What War Is
(A sort of poem by me.)
What is war?
To me, war is
The streets of my city lined up with makeshift tents
The run-down school next to my place now hosting refugees
Every public school now closed because they are hosting refugees
Seeing places that were once so familiar to me, get destroyed in a wink
Passing apartments destroyed by bombings, and
Seeing workers already working on rebuilding them
The instructions and maps for bomb shelters on the website of my university
My professors constantly reminding us that we are going through uncertain times (but please take your responsibilities seriously)
The countless online lectures on stress management and living through times like these
The hybrid class arrangements where only a maximum of four students show up to class in-person, because many are out of the city or even out of the country
The extra burden of balancing stress from this situation and class requirements we fell behind on due to schools and universities closing for a while at the start
Learning the difference between the sound of a sonic boom and a bomb
Briefly mistaking every loud noise I hear for a bomb sound
Hearing more sirens outside than usual, and
Wondering more than usual where these sirens are headed to
Anticipating every day the familiar buzz of a reconnaissance drone over my city (I keep trying to troll it)
Losing sleep from being startled awake at night by distant bombings
The most depressing kind of packing for a trip ever
Living half a live in one place and half a life in another
Missing things I once took for granted
Texting and calling loved ones living in a certain area after a bombing, to see if they are still alive
My family always leaving the TV on for news and updates while I am catching up on my assignments
Me and others telling each other jokes about the politicians and military forces perpetrating the destruction
Feeling a certain sense of extra kinship with my fellow countrypeople
Discovering new points of view, on- and offline, new allies and new enemies, surprising or not
People online, living thousands of kilometers away, who see us as collateral damage or think we somehow deserve this suffering because of our political situation
Finding out how very little some people know about our lives here
Sometimes resenting people overseas for living their best life
Reminding myself not to let the situation corrupt my mind and turn me into an asshole
Learning more and gaining wisdom (but at what cost)
“Relatable” posts on Tumblr taking a whole new meaning
Understanding famous stories of war, real or fantasy, the true effects of war, more than ever
My friends and loved ones overseas asking me near-daily if I am okay, and
Me replying every time that yes, I am okay, I am safe
Being grateful that I am alive and well, but still not being quite happy
The awareness of the unreality of the situation
Living through historical times, and resenting it
Agreeing with others that we are experiencing a Lite™ version of survivor’s guilt
My weekly therapy sessions now becoming more necessary than ever
Generational trauma becoming not-so-generational-anymore
Oscillating between complete desperation, and determination to not give my enemies the satisfaction of my submission to fear
The tiredness and stress I carry, often without knowing, and
Being aware that everyone around me carries that same tiredness and stress, often without knowing
Reflecting on hypothetical scenarios
Reflecting on where to go
Reflecting on whether the next bombs will drop on me or on people I know
Reflecting on what I might leave behind
Reflecting on the possibility of suddenly losing everything I hold dear
Reflecting on the possibility of suddenly losing everything
Reflecting on the very possible eventuality of death
Reflecting on my life itself.
But even so, I see that I am privileged, because
I still have access to food and clean water (some don’t.)
I still have a roof over my head (some don’t.)
I still have access to my education (some don’t.)
I still have enough money to afford those basic needs (some don’t.)
I still have all of my brain, both my eyes, ears, my nose, both my arms, legs, and all my fingers (some don’t.)
I still have nearly all the trinkets and indulgences, useful or trivial, that are dear to my heart (some don’t.)
I still have some time to focus on leisure (some don’t.)
I haven’t developed any serious mental issues from all this (yet) (some did.)
I live in a relatively safe area (some don’t)
Me and my family have at least one option for areas to retreat to (some don’t.)
My loved ones are all still alive
I am still alive.
(some are not.)