One time in highschool our teacher said that it was never under any circumstances okay for a boy to hit a girl and I asked “not even in self defense?” and he said “no” so I pointed to the kid next to me and said “so if I just started whaling on this guy then he’d just have to take it? What the hell” and he was like “you two have had the same homeroom for three years do you not know his name” and I was like “that’s not the point right now” and Mr. K if you’re out there reading this I’m still mad about it

the argument actually took up most of the class after that but there was a point where he said “why do you want men to hit women so badly?” And I answered “I don’t want anybody to hit anybody, I just think assuming that no woman you meet could possibly hurt you is kind of insulting” and I didn’t WIN per se but you could kind of feel the air shift as the conversation went from “chivalry good” to “girls might WANT to kick your ass”

Anyhow it’s been like 15 years now but I still swear by “capacity for harm is not gender-specific”, “nobody should be hurting anybody”, “men can be abused too”, and “gender equality means accepting that women CAN hurt you” so suck it, Mr. K

You can believe in magic, but watch out.

It's fun learning astrology until you start to make broad assumptions about real people's behavior based only on their birthday.

It's fun to speculate about alien civilization until you say early cultures weren't competent enough to build their own pyramids or until scientologists stalk you for every penny you have.

It's fun dressing symptoms in mystical language like "empath" or "indigo child" until you go through life undiagnosed, unaccomodated and feeling less and less human.

It's all fun and games until Tiktokkers tell you hallucinations are actually attunement with a higher dimension and that you should stop taking your antipsychotics.

It's fun to think about possession and changelings until mom starts trying to "save" her child's soul or dad kills his family for having "serpent genes."

It's fun to see natural formations as if they were manmade until you start believing cultists when they say flying saucers are Antarctic Nazis.

You can believe in magic. It's fun to believe in magic. Believing in magic is valuable stimulation. But watch out. Remember your reality checks. There's a lot of cults and scams and white supremacists out there who want to sell you something, and that longing for magic to believe in is how they get you.

You can believe in magic, but watch out.

It's fun learning astrology until you start to make broad assumptions about real people's behavior based only on their birthday.

It's fun to speculate about alien civilization until you say early cultures weren't competent enough to build their own pyramids or until scientologists stalk you for every penny you have.

It's fun dressing symptoms in mystical language like "empath" or "indigo child" until you go through life undiagnosed, unaccomodated and feeling less and less human.

It's all fun and games until Tiktokkers tell you hallucinations are actually attunement with a higher dimension and that you should stop taking your antipsychotics.

It's fun to think about possession and changelings until mom starts trying to "save" her child's soul or dad kills his family for having "serpent genes."

It's fun to see natural formations as if they were manmade until you start believing cultists when they say flying saucers are Antarctic Nazis.

You can believe in magic. It's fun to believe in magic. Believing in magic is valuable stimulation. But watch out. Remember your reality checks. There's a lot of cults and scams and white supremacists out there who want to sell you something, and that longing for magic to believe in is how they get you.

How to Make Your Own Binder that Fits Well and Looks Good

A while back I was in need of some new binders and thought hey, I bet I can make one way cheaper than buying it from somewhere (especially cus some of the ones I’ve bought in the past didn’t really fit right). Except when I started looking for a binder patterns online, I was very surprised that I really… couldn’t find many that looked very nice lol. Most of them had really wrinkled necklines, or didn't bind well, or just overall looked weird. A lot of the patterns also required a serger, which I don't have.

So I just said fuck it and made my own pattern! And it ended up being relatively easy! And the binders fit REALLY WELL and are comfortable to wear, even for long periods. The neckline doesn't show under shirts with loose collars, and the bottom hem doesn't gap or stick out. Here's me wearing one:

(plus I was able to make myself 5 of them for a total of like ~$50.)

So I figured I could throw together a guide to help out anyone else who wanted to make their own binder but was dissatisfied with the patterns available!

Disclaimer: This tutorial is going to assume a baseline level of sewing experience, and also will require access to a sewing machine. It is not a complicated pattern, but it will most likely require some tweaking and adjustments after you make the first one. Don’t be afraid to make alterations to make it fit better!

This tutorial is for a gc2b-style half-tank binder. It could be altered to be a full-tank binder, but all instructions will be for the half-tank design.

So I am currently working on using your guide to sew a few binders for myself! Right now I am still in the prototype phase with the pattern, making sure everything fits and sits right. It is going well so far! I definitely am having less problems sewing with stretch fabric, I usually do but I think this fabric I got was higher quality than stuff I have used previously.

Once I finish prototyping and have everything solid, I am planning on posting a bunch of pictures!

Finished prototyping and my first one that day actually, but I had a lot going on and didn't have time to post! It's a little big and the curve on the arm hole needs some adjusting, but I'm very happy with it!

I'm working on making a second white one today, and then I'm going to make one in black with space fabric on the inside and one in blue with space fabric on the inside!

Binder #2! I decided to do another in the white since I'm still tweaking the pattern a bit. This one went much smoother and quicker! I do want to note that for me, the interfacing is refusing to stick to my stretchy fabric, which hasn't been a big deal, I have just used the webbing and it's been plenty.

I also decided to use some different stitches this time. I used one of my favorite decorative ones on the bottom hem

And just a standard stitch on the top

I still used the zigzag stitch on the inside for connecting the straps and sides, as I think it's better structurally, but I had fun with the outside since it's mostly held together by the wonderweb anyways!

WOAH it looks so good!! The decorative hem stitch is so nice 👀

The straight stitches along the neckline and arm holes may end up popping/breaking if the fabric there is stretched much - I did the same thing with one of my early test-runs and found that it just doesn't have the stretchability of the zig-zag stitch, but I'm interested to see if it holds up with the addition of Wonder-Web/interfacing!!

like, okay, consent does literally just mean agree. which is what enables this little rhetorical trick. because there's all this cultural emphasis on sexual consent, which is just expressed as consent, a lot of phrases whose intended meanings are "rape is bad" can be taken literally to mean "i should get to agree to everything that happens in my vicinity."

for an example, "i didn't agree to seeing you wear that shirt" is straightforwardly a fucking insane thing for someone to say, but people regularly make use of this trick to make the (functionally identical) statement "i didn't consent to seeing that"

Strongly recommend that people familiarize themselves with the white supremacist concept of "right to comfort" because of how scarily that concept aligns with this behavior

THIS is where the logic comes from that drives misogynistic control of what women wear, how fat people exist in public, how disabled people exist in public, miscontrues kink-related fashion as the same as sex itself, and prevents people breastfeeding their children in clean environments.

Its interesting what demographics are effected most negatively by this huh

RIP Joann, now what?

I wanted to make a post I could copy and paste and or link when I see folks asking where to buy fabrics when Joann is gone. I sew a lot, generally between 100-200 items a year and I don't do it on a big budget. Stores are not in a particular order.

Notions:

Wawak.com - start here, mostly stay here. Wawak is a supplier for professional sewing businesses and have the prices that show it. I will not pay for gutermann Mara 100 anywhere else. I buy buttons, tools, thread, and most elastic here.

Stitch Love Studio - this is where I buy lingerie supplies https://www.etsy.com/shop/StitchLoveStudio?ref=yr_purchases

Fabric:

Fabric Mart - this is one where you want to sign up for emails and never buy unless its on sale. They run different sales every day and they rotate. Mostly deadstock fabrics but I buy more from here than anywhere else. Fantastic customer service and if you watch you can get things like $6 wool suiting or $4 cotton jersey. https://fabricmartfabrics.com/

Fabrics-Store - again, buy the sales not the full price. Sign up for the emails but redirect them to a folder because it is TOO MANY. They stock linen or good but not amazing quality. https://www.fabrics-store.com/

Purple Seamstress - This is where I buy my solid cotton lycra jersey. They have other things, but the jersey is what I'm here for. Inexpensive and very good quality. If you ask she will mail you a swatch card for the solids. https://purpleseamstressfabric.com/

LA Finch - deadstock fabrics with a fantastic remnant selection https://lafinchfabrics.myshopify.com/

Califabrics - mix of deadstock and big brands, easy to navigate and always seem to have good denim in stock. https://califabrics.com/

Boho Fabrics - good variety, nice bundles. I have also gotten some really great trims from here. https://www.bohofabrics.com/

Firecracker Fabrics - garment and quilting fabrics, really nice selection and great sale section. I've bought $5 yard quilting cottons here several times. https://www.firecrackerfabrics.com/

Hancock's of Paducah - Quilting fabric and some limited garment fabric. AMAZING sale section. Do not sleep on the sale section. This is my first stop when buying quilting fabrics. Usually the last stop too. Not particularly speedy shipping. https://www.hancocks-paducah.com/

Itokri - This is something a little different. Itokri is an Indian business with incredible traditional fabrics. Shipping to the US is expensive, but the fabric is so inexpensive it evens out. I generally end up paying like $30 for shipping. Beautiful ikat and block prints. https://itokri.com/

Miss Matatabi - this is a little treat. This isn't where you go to save money, but there are so many beautiful things in this shop. Ships from Japan incredibly quickly. https://shop.missmatatabi.com/

Lucky Deluxe - Craft thrift store, always has an incredible selection and fantastic customer service. I need to close the tab fast because I never go to this website without finding something I need. https://www.luckydeluxefabrics.com/

Swanson's - the OG of online craft thrift stores, but I find their website harder to navigate. https://www.swansonsfabrics.com

Honorary Mentions: I haven't shopped at these places yet but I have had them recommended and likely will at some point.

A Thrifty Notion - https://athriftynotion.com/

Creative Closeouts - https://creativecloseoutsfabric.com/ being rebranded to sewsnip.com on March 1 - quilting deadstock

Hawthorne Supply Co. - I just got this rec and I think I need to not look too closely or I'm going to slip with my debit card. https://www.hawthornesupplyco.com/

This is not an exhaustive list of everywhere you can buy fabric, or even a full list of where I shop. There are SO many options out there in the world. You also need to think outside the fabric store box. I thrift men's shirt fabrics for quilts and sheets for backing fabric. I don't do a ton of in person thrifting and my local stores don't get a lot of craft materials but every thrift store is its own universe and reflects the community it is in. Go out and find something cool.

Oh and final note: Don't shop at Hobby Lobby.

Oh I just had this conversation with my friends group yesterday. Btw while you can, buy brother machines at the going-out-of-business sale! I just got a serger for $270 which is insane! There's EMBROIDERY MACHINES!!! Anyway, here's some more places--my stash of websites is very orientated toward natural fabrics, and historical ones in particular--I'm a rennie.

https://dharmatrading.com - silks

https://renaissancefabrics.com - linen, cotton, wool, silk, notions.

https://periodfabric.com - more historical fabrics

https://bigduckcanvas.com - duck and canvas like it says. tent fabric.

https://fabrics-store.com - linen and cotton. They sell kits for kitchen towels too.

https://woolsome.shop - wool

https://www.papercityfabrics.com/ - everything is $4/yd

https://metrotextilesnyc.com - has a lot of quilting fabric

https://fabricdepot.com - general fabric store

https://onlinefabricstore.com - general fabric store

https://burnleyandtrowbridge.com - SYNTHETIC PLASTIC WHALEBONE FROM GERMANY. BEHAVES LIKE WHALEBONE!!! they also carry clothing, fabric etc but the whalebone is the exciting thing bc I do not know many places in the states to get this stuff.

https://farthingalecorsetmakingsupplies.com - Corset supplies, another place to get synthetic whalebone.

https://firemountaingems.com - bead store!

https://beadtin.com - bead store, emphasis on pony beads.

https://jetpens.com - pens, inks, anything you want for calligraphy etc.

https://tiedtohistory.com - goldwork supplies and other notions, patterns, some fabric too. Mostly sparklyshinies. This is my source for actual real genuine Thread-of-Gold and Thread-of-silver!

https://angelusdirect.com - Angelus paint, which is a paint used by cosplayers the world over to paint leather and fabric and shoes. It dries flexible and comes in a zillion colours.

https://shop.smooth-on.com - Silicone and moulding supplies.

https://dickblick.com - ART supplies, but I'm putting this here bc Joann's did sell art supplies.

https://sculpey.com - Sculpey clay, buy it directly from the company.

https://hollanders.com - Bookbinding supplies!

https://leatherhidestore.com - Leather, mostly the sizes for garments or upholstering.

https://tandyleather.com - Another leather crafting store, focus more on crafting. They sell tools and machines as well as leather and notions for leather.

https://patterns.bootstrapfashion.com - DIY dress forms! Plus sizes and men included!

https://herrschners.com - string things! Embroidery, latchook, macrame, etc! I hesitate to say a general craft store, but it does have a LOT of stuff. The prices for their DMC embroidery floss are particularly attractive though.

https://trimsbytheyard.com - TRIMS! They got fringe, they got tassels, they got ruffles and beads you want it they got it!

https://sonomawoolcompany.com - wool but more specifically, wool batting for quilts!

https://furlscrochet.com - ERGONOMIC crochet hooks!

If you have supplies and like them, see if the brand has a website you can buy from direct.

If you need a sewing or serging machine, Bernina is the best, followed by Viking. Brother is best for embroidery machines. Get an older Bernina if you can.

If you live near a fashion city (LA, NYC, Paris, London) then GO TO THE GARMENT DISTRICT. LA has a place you can buy fabric BY THE POUND. It's not got a website it's just a little hole in the wall on like the second floor of a building and a tiny old man is at the counter and has probably been there like a hundred years. NYC has fabric stores that are over a century old. Even my tiny little village has a quilting shop.

Also, join your local historical re-enactors or SCA chapter, that is chock full of crafters looking for new blood. The SCA is a great way to learn crafts you've never heard of, too, like Nalbinding. If you're not careful you'll wake up with an inkle loom and a spindle in your house and like five bags of roving from someone's pet alpaca.

Joann's itself was a corporate takeover of a bunch of smaller local fabric stores, and was sterile and devoid of the REAL kind of community that crafting has. Go look for NON-chain stores, go local! That is where you will find resources--crafters know crafters, because everyone tends to have at least 2+ crafts they do.

Yoinking this because while most of my materials are secondhand; I will always need some new stuff.

And this thread has it all

I'm not an aplatonic or loveless aro, but to complete my aro posting this week, I want to express my gratitude to them — for teaching me that I don't need to make up for, or otherwise justify, my (disabled) aromanticism by proving how much I love my friends, or by proving how deep and profound my friendships are. My neurodivergence made it incredibly difficult to make friends as a child, and my neurodivergence and physical disabilities combined make it even harder to maintain IRL friendships as an adult. The vast majority of my life can be categorized into either "had no friends," or "had very few, usually zero, friends that society saw as 'real'," because the majority of social interaction actually accessible to me was all online. And people around IRL me saw online friendship as less serious — as less deep.

So, because I'm disabled, I can't look back at my life and say: "oh, here's the friendship so profound it can substitute for romance, here's the friendship so deep and intimate that it makes up for not experiencing those things in a relationship." But the diversity of the aro community has taught me that's okay. I don't need to justify my aromanticism. I'm just aromantic, and disabled, and that's okay. If neither of those things make me less of a person individually, they can't make me less of a person together, either. And I know that thanks to loveless and aplatonic aros — who, by the way, are very cool.

At the end of the day you have to understand some people are mentally ill like really really mentally ill on a level you can’t understand. I see this a lot when someone does something weird or incomprehensible and people are shocked trying to figure out their intentions and why they’d do it and it’s like there’s people who are psychotic or delusional or have rapid mood swings you’ll never be able to comprehend and very often people with other mental illnesses who are able to function more acceptably have a bad lack of understanding of that and compare what they can do and act like as the standard not understanding that’s not the same playing field

People facing addiction, eating disorders, abuse, etc as well will do things you’ll never understand. Getting in the habit of not judging or at the very least not making the lives people who aren’t harming you worse, is actually, a pretty good thing to do

We ask your questions anonymously so you don’t have to! Submissions are open on the 1st and 15th of the month.

i'm so tired of the yaoi-ification of mlm ships where people feel the need to make one of them (usually the fandom-assigned bottom) into a teeny tiny waifish twink and the other into a huge musclebound super aggro guy (usually the fandom-assigned top) i know this is like a thing many people have been saying for years but i just feel like it has never actually gotten better in fandom spaces. the fatphobia of it, the gender essentialism, the homophobia, it's all so fucking annoying it makes me want to scream

^^^ absolutely agree with both of these, that's been a big trend particularly in the last several years. i think people truly do not realize how much they're replicating gender essentialism when they do trans headcanons like that and how much it perpetuates transphobic ideas. it's just gross and weird and as a trans person it feels awful to see people repeatedly pigeonhole every guy they view as a bottom as a tiny transmasc twink or every transmasc guy as a small feminine bottom. it's just exhausting.

and in a broader sense i think people don't realize how much they're boiling down all the different ways people can express themselves and have sex and relationships when they do this kind of thing. acting like the only possible mlm relationship is "big masculine top x tiny feminine bottom" goes completely against the varied lived experiences of so many people and contributes to this overall idea that relationships can only resemble cisheteropatriarchal ideals. even straight relationships between cis people don't usually look like this! you're falling for an invented fantasy that serves to maintain systemic hierarchies!

and that's not even getting into the race angle of it all-- the idea that men of color are more sexually aggressive is SO pervasive that people cannot even fathom why it's an issue to always automatically assume a man of color will be the top in a relationship with a white man. it's particularly pervasive with black and latino men and it's so obviously racist and yet people do not seem to understand when they themselves are perpetuating it. and i'll add that for asian men specifically it's often the opposite; asian men are frequently emasculated and viewed as the inherent bottoms in relationships with non-asian men.

i also want to point out that wlw relationships are not exempt from any of these dynamics either. frequently people decide on one woman in a relationship being the top or the domme (which i will point out very strongly are NOT the same thing, but are often conflated, particularly in fandom spaces) entirely based on arbitrary traits that follow with their own cultural assumptions. women of color are seen as inherently less feminine, inherently more sexually aggressive, and therefore nearly always viewed as tops. asian women are treated like inherently submissive objects rather than their own people, and are often depicted as the demure bottoms in wlw relationships with non-asian women.

in both regards, and obviously including the various ways that nonbinary and genderqueer people are affected by all of these dynamics, people of color, as the exoticized other to white, western fans, are viewed as having strict, unchangeable roles in sexual dynamics which further other racial stereotypes and erase the actual varied experiences and relationships between people. all of these dynamics cement cultural assumptions within fandom spaces. and it's just really fucking obvious how pervasive gender essentialism and racism are in fandom when i see people talk about ships with such stringent roles and dynamics, without any nuance or acknowledgement of the kinds of mentalities being replicated.

and this is why i just can't quit the xelloss/zelgadis dynamic where the older, more powerful, femme-leaning one bottoms and dominates the younger, more butchy one.

as an aside - it's also very frustrating that it's next to impossible to find porn of trans guys topping, and i think it has everything to do with how the audience (i.e. the paying customers) see us and what sexual role they expect us to play. has holes, must bottom, i guess?

Saying that a certain group of people is too privileged to complain about the way that things are is its own sort of defense of the status quo

Like if a white person from the American suburbs who had doctors for parents says "the suburbs are set up in a way that's designed to alienate the people within them from their neighbors growing up there can be an incredibly lonely isolating experience" and you respond with "shut up you had everything you ever wanted growing up" you are sort of pretending that this asocial way of living we've set up based on harmful ideas like castle doctrine and individualism is in some way desirable for someone when the reality of the situation is that everyone is miserable.

Oh boy this is popping off. But I just want to put on this post that this isn't just about the example that I used this is also when people get mad at you for complaining about aspects of living in America because other people are getting bombed by America how dare you, or when (usually neurodivergent) white people complain about how wasp monoculture is high key hostile to be raised in, or when people with middle class jobs complain about the shit their boss pulls, or any other number of situations in which a relatively privileged potential ally talks about the unique ways the oppressive systems we're looking to overthrow effects them negatively. Like yes sure if you have a minimum wage job it's annoying to listen to someone with a salary and benefits say "my boss treats me like shit and my company is doing x evil thing" but if you're in that situation and you're actually down for the cause instead of just here to play oppression Olympics, you want to gain allies in this fight by saying "have you considered unionizing" instead of pushing people away by saying "shut up at least you can afford rent"

I had a rhetoric professor in college that said she felt like "queer" is the only slur that has been fully successfully reclaimed because of the fact that "queer" is even used in an academic context (like "queer studies"). I don't believe she's queer, but she *is* black, so I can see her point -- I can't imagine taking a class called "(n-word) studies", and as a queer person myself that discussion in class was the final push I needed to be comfortable calling myself queer, because... Yeah, I *would* be totally fine taking a queer studies class, haha.

Present Tense: The Long Shadow of an Eating Disorder 

After a devastating college break up, Maggie Slepian spiralled into a full-blown eating disorder after years of intermittent restriction. For Longreads, she recounts how controlling food was her way to reclaim power over her life, what drove her to seek treatment, and why those with eating disorders may never be truly cured.

Read the full essay. 

one of the things i deeply hate about terfs is how hard they've made asking questions/being curious about gender. Everythings a fucking dogwhistle and you can't even be confused about wtf is gender without being associated with their fucking asses. Like I've recently been reading about transfeminist theory (mostly in short chunks) and the 'genders are social classes', thing is confusing the shit out of me.

i have so many questions that i'm not getting answers to. what is it that women experience that other gender minorities don't? if privilege is defined by identity rather than experience, then how do we even decide what the privilege is? what does it mean to be trans? if gender is a social construct how is sexuality inherent? is gender inherent? if gender is inherent then what is it defined by?

and i don't what to ask theses questions to general fucking society becuase they're just gonna give me transphobic bullshit but if i ask these questions to the trans community im going to get called a terf

ASHDKJFGLJFAHSKLGFHDSKL

Personally, I tend to disregard a lot of aspects of theory about gender, (not just transfeminism) written by perisex people because it completely and utterly does not account for intersex experiences or identity at all.

If your transfeminist framework isn't including intersex people it just isn't good enough and you need to change it. Same can be said about a lot of things regarding other minorities.

At the end of the day, this literature is just someone else's worldview that is informed by their lived experience and their biases. There's nothing wrong with that, but by nature of being just one person, it means you cannot, on your own, truly create an accurate analysis of queer oppression because you are just not every kind of queer person. Works like these must be collaborative on a wide scale. We have to listen to each other, or groups (like my community) will continue to erased from the conversation entirely. And I won't stand for it. I don't want to be told to sit down and shut up in my own community by perisex people who have decided their struggles are just more important than mine and deserve to have all theory regarding gender oppression revolve around them.

I view most things with a critical eye, including theory from communities I ostensibly agree with & am part of; because I want this rhetoric to be improved to be more inclusive and reflective of the actual reality of every queer group. This tends to put me in hot water because people online think questions and criticism of any kind towards queer theory & literature is always rooted in bigotry because of how sludgebrained TERFs have poisoned the well.

#my worldview is that there's as many genders as there's ppl bc it's all subjective stuff#like every society and every person views their gender in a different way; they may agree that certain things are “manly” or some things are#“womanly” or whatever that's called but at the end of the day everyone experiences & interacts with their gender differently

^^^Yeah now see this is what i thought. But then what is trans? Cause if everyone's a different gender, then no ones the gender they were assigned at birth. so it warps back to what is trans and/or what is gender

These things are social constructs. They do not have rigid all encompassing definitions that will work in every context. I feel like a lot of people don't really realize what a social construct even is. Especially people who try to argue that "gender is biological its just in your brain structure", they're no different from the "gender is in your pants" idiots.

Gender is in your self-conceptualization. And it isn't rigidly defined. Everyone's gender is unique and different in their own way. We have words like transgender to give a name to a group of people whose gender variance is significant from what is typical. That's how I see it, anyway.

My metaphor for understanding gender roles as social constructs is parentage.

Being a parent is a social role. The parent is almost always the biological donor, in the same way a cisgender person's gender matches their biological sex (as well as it can be defined.) However, sometimes, a non-biological parent fulfills the social role of a parent- or a biological parent does not fulfill the social role of parentage.

This example doesn't account for all gender variance or the intricacies of intersex peoples, and comes with moral implications due to being an interpersonal relationship, but it does highlight the difference between something biological and social. And similar to genders, there's so many different ways to be a parent, to the point it often can't be precisely defined, so you must trust people to define themselves.