When I Knew
Summary: On the cusp of war and parenthood, James asks a question that’s been lingering for years.
James noted he was leant forward, too far forward, and sat back. "When did you know?"
At the stove, Lily stopped stirring and stared ahead at the wall for several seconds before she turned, brandishing her wooden spoon. He'd offered to cook, but she refused with a gentle rap over his reaching hand.
"Know what? When I was pregnant? I told you as soon as I realised."
"Nah, I figured that." He rubbed the back of his neck. The world was on fire, their baby was coming. Why was he asking? But the need to know blazed through him like a fire and he pushed on. "When did you know…you loved me?"
She cocked her head like a listening cat. "Now that's a question." She turned to the gas burner and resumed stirring.
There was a long, painful silence, or so it seemed to him. He almost said never mind, but it was unwise to rush her. The longer she was quiet, the more thought she was giving him.
"Do you want any help?" he tried.
"No, I'm fine." The spoon slowed. "I think it was seventh year that I really knew it, I mean, all the way. But I got an idea of it in sixth year. You know when Mulciber did that to Mary and you wouldn't have it?"
"Yeah, I remember. But why that?"
"You thought of someone else besides yourself, it wasn't for image. And you were kind to Quirinus too, just because you could be, not because it was expected."
That kid. James grinned. "Did he ever switch to the sitar?"
"I don't think so. I think he gave up playing anything." A pause. "What about me, then? When did you know?"
"You?" He could've been offhanded, flippant, but he tried to meet Lily's consideration in kind. "Third year, I got the idea, I reckon. You were pretty combative at first, kind of a know-it-all sometimes too."
"But by third year? I could see you in there. Brave enough to give anyone a chance, to stand by them. You didn't care who I was. By fifth year?" He smiled. "I was a lost cause, mad about you. That was when I knew."
Note: Thank you for the warm welcomes and everyone who helped me. This is the first Jily thing I ever wrote. I just wanted to understand it and try to respectfully get it right. It's not great and I apologize, but I did my best