Let's Talk About Sex Scenes
This isn't going to get particularly graphic, but I know there are a lot of people who follow me who might not want to read about this, so this is my warning right now that this post will be a fairly blunt discussion of writing sex scenes and (some of) my thoughts on how to make them sexy.
Writing sex scenes can be complicated and awkward, and lots of people have lots of feelings on what makes a good sex scene (or sexy scene) in a story. Here are a few of my thoughts on them.
Figure out how graphic you want to make the scene. Sex in books can range anywhere from closed door (it's just implied that they had sex) to fully explicit detailed descriptions of what's happening, and everything in between.
But even if you don't want to write closed door, you can write fairly sexy/sensual scenes without actually mentioning most body parts. This is where you want to rely on a combination of senses and emotions. You can describe what a character is feeling, seeing, tasting, etc. and their emotions without every describing at Tab A into Slot B situation.
Avoid overly technical language unless that is your goal. One thing that can make sex scenes feel awkward or stilted is when they fall into very technical descriptions of what's going on. Some of this comes down to the language you use for specific body parts ("cock" is often seen as sexier than "penis," for example) but it can also be about the level of description you go into for how they're moving. If you start describing every time they shift a body part or change position, it can start feeling more like a list of actions than a sexy or sensual moment. It also feels extremely in the character's head to the point where it can feel like overthinking as opposed to being more of an indulgent or fun experience.
Sometimes, though, the point of a sex scene is actually about the technical aspect of it. This may be one character teaching another about sex, about characters exploring sex after a trauma or other reluctance, or about a kink exploration. In those cases, having more technical details can make it feel more real and grounded and can give you a way to provide clear insight into a character's experience with it. It allows you to show that this touch is the good or bad one, as opposed to the general experience of having sex.
Pick a couple of words for things and stick to them. You don't need seven euphemisms for a body part. You can leave "throbbing manhood" behind. If you stick to one to two words for each thing, it can help the word fade to the background in the same way that a dialogue tag does, making it easier for the reader for focus on the emotions or experience you're trying to describe, rather than being jarred every time a new euphemism for clitoris pops up.
Know how you're approaching consent. This is not to say that every sex scene needs to start with a negotiation or even an explicit yes, but you as the author should know whether the characters have consented to the sex, what it means if they haven't, and what impacts that might have. And if a sex scene is consensual or nonconsensual, we as the reader should be able to tell.
For example, I've read a ton of sex scenes where one of the characters (usually a female character) will say no at the start, sometimes more than once. But the other character(s) progresses with the sex they've initiated, and in the end, nobody seems to remember that it started with a no. Often it leaves me wondering whether I'm supposed to take that as having been consensual sex. And it leaves me wondering if the author thinks it was consensual sex.
Characters can be messy, and we don't need perfect characters who are perfect at consent. But at least for me personally, I find it really hard to root for a romance where it feels like one of the characters has sexually assaulted the other one.
So if you're writing sexual assault, you should know that you're writing sexual assault--and do it on purpose.
If you want to write kinky stuff, you should read kinky stuff. Real kinky stuff. Sometimes I read sex in stories, where it feels like Baby's First Foray Into Kink--but the author has clearly only read kink in other stories that were also Baby's First Foray Into Kink. It will be random spanking that's never really addressed, or he will choke her and then never talk about it (please for the love of everything that is good do not do this in real life), or she will inexplicably call him Daddy once. It will often feel either random and disjointed or extremely unnegoatiated (or both). And again, your characters don't need to Be Good At Kink, but if you want to write kink, you should at least know what you're intentionally leaving out. And to do that, you need to read things by actual kinky people.
Be specific. One of the biggest pitfalls that I see in a lot of sex scenes, especially but in no way exclusively in straight romances, is that they feel very generic. We are cycling through the same five pieces of dirty talk that every one of these stories uses, with the same three mild kinks. Someone says "say you're mine." She calls him Daddy. He spanks her. He comments on her mouth when she says a a sexual word.
But consider what these characters are into. Characters shouldn't lose their personality or interests simply because they're having sex, and they shouldn't all be the same. Are they interested in touching? Being touched? What body parts are they into on other people, and what of theirs do they like being focused on? Is there anything they're not into?
Do they make jokes during sex? Are they competitive? Do they want it slow? Fast? Are there toys that they like? Scents? Music? Do they make noise or are they quiet?
How would they talk? You don't need to default to Daddy/good girl if you're writing M/F romance. How do they feel about someone commenting on their body during sex?
How long have they been together? Sex between people who have been together for twenty years will look and feel different than a first-time hookup.
Are their restrictions (self-imposed or otherwise) on how they can have sex? How does that change how they talk to each other?
Sex scenes will always be better if you approach them thinking "how would these characters have sex" than "what is The Sexy Way To Write A Sex Scene."
