Mothers Without Custody Project

Utah State University Women and Gender Studies, Fall, 2013 WGS 6900-L01 Final Paper Breaking the Silence—Non-Custodial Mothers Voices Dr. Anita Armstrong Student: Dee Ansbergs  Introduction For generations, motherhood has been the foundation of society. This began with the matriarchal hunter-gatherer groups and continued through to agrarian communities, then the industrial revolution and post-World War 11 changes. These changes cemented women’s roles in the family as the nurturer and child care provider while the father left the home to work and provide the financial means for his family. The emergence of a nuclear family as the core unit of society placed mothers as primary care-givers and is to some degree, still the ideal vision of our society’s family. The emergence of various waves of feminism have opened doors and opportunities, but also created a system where mothers work 2 shifts, one at work and another at home. Divorce adds a further complication, and society has many negative ideas about mothers without custody. As I’ve learned in my studies, motherhood is both idealized and shaped by multiple forces, including capitalism, and patriarchy. The media sends many conflicting messages about the ideal mother which are impossible to reach. It is obvious that fathers usually have the ability to pay more expensive and influential lawyers.  Men are more likely to remarry quickly, (Arditti & Madden-Derdich, 1993) making their homes more “normal” to those outside looking in. In our class readings it was made clear that single moms are generally looked down upon and blamed for their circumstances by those watching from the outside. That their children’s fathers are contributing little financial support for their children is overlooked. Single mothers are viewed as irresponsible or incompetent, undesirable, and lazy, whereas a man in the same situation is judged differently, more positively.   This has been a very difficult paper for me to write, and I’ve cried many tears not only for my own pain and loss but for these women who are brave enough, courageous enough and compassionate enough to start and maintain these on-line support groups to help others and those whose voices are held in this paper. As one of the mom’s commented, just breathing each day becomes a victory (Kym, 2013). These non-custodial mothers were asked to answer the following questions. How does society to respond to non-resident or non-custodial mothers? What happens to mothers lives when an essential aspect of their identity (their children) is gone? What resources are available? As a society, how do we collectively respond to these women? How do we, as non-custodial mothers, cope? My Story In my personal life, being a mother has always been my primary role. I started in childhood raising my five younger brothers while my parents fought their addictions to alcohol and to each other. I raised two families, added children by adoption, and thought my parenting was complete, at least as far as having young children at home. Then I married on 2000, moved to the U.S. and my then husband and I felt a need to offer our home to older children who wouldn’t get adopted as easily. Our first adoptee was Isaiah, Black American and Native America who came to us at the age of eight days. When he was eight months old along came Isaac, Black Cherokee, the product of a rape and a young woman who didn’t want to raise a child in her circumstances. I was present at Isaac’s birth and his mother and I remained very close for five years. Later came our four Black America biological sisters, three of whom spent most of their lives in group homes, and their youngest sibling was taken away at birth, and raised separately. It took months of convincing the authorities that we had the skills to care for them. Several years later, through coincidence, we adopted four Mayan children, aged fourteen months to eight years old. We felt we were complete. The adoption agencies had told us prior to adoption that all our children were ‘normal’. That label was short-lived as our four black daughters were later diagnosed with a wide range of mental health issues, the most difficult being reactive attachment disorder. Of our four Mayan children, two required tracheostomies to breath and later feeding tubes to eat. This medical care had been overlooked while they were in foster care. Our little Isaiah also required a feeding tube and other surgeries. We were living in Orem Utah which wasn’t very friendly to mixed race families. Neither my then husband and I, nor our children were welcome or invited to social activities. As the children’s issues emerged, I had hired two nannies to assist with medical and other care. As a family the children were bonding to me and each other. Their medical conditions were being managed carefully and all were progressing ahead of the expectations of the experts involved. After discovering that my husband had molested Isaac at the age of five, I obtained a court order, and moved the children to a home I’d located. I thought that the courts would protect my children. This was wrong. The Judge was school buddies and fishing friends with my ex-husband’s father (a very wealthy man). The Judge refused to recuse himself from the case. Every decision, no matter the evidence, came down on their side. I was forced to take my children to supervised visits with him at my cost for almost two years, including the children he had molested. He cancelled their health insurance, didn’t pay child support, refused to sign off on medical treatments, bombarded me with court appearances, and accused me of “hypnotizing” him into doing all that he did. This forced me to spend thousands of dollars in my attempts to protect my children. On Oct. 14, 2006, at 2:30 am, and with no warning, the police entered my home with guns drawn and took my beloved children. My ex-husband had lied to the Judge, waking him at 1 a.m. in his home to tell him I was fleeing the country with our children. After the police woke my children, who were frightened and crying, the police refused to allow them to hug me or say good bye. I was pushed up against a wall, along with the two nurses and one nanny who were on duty that night. The officers held us at gunpoint. I was not allowed to get clothes or medications to send with them nor were either of the two registered nurses who on duty that night. That was the last time I saw any of my children. Court was a farce. The 4th District (divorce) court slapped me with restraining orders forbidding me from contact with anyone in my support system, my nannies, the children’s doctors, teachers, etc. The Family court where family law issues of children’s placement were decided refused to lift that restraining order, and then placed the same restraints on my attorney so he was not able to subpoena witnesses. Both Nannies were willing to testify until they were threatened with having their own children taken away. One, a mom of eight adopted children herself, fled the state in fear. Another returned with her children to her home country of Bulgaria. I could present no evidence. The Judge in family court refused to read any of the medical reports I provided as evidence and refused to allow me to present any witnesses. Nor would the court issue subpoenas for hospital and doctor records. My children were separated to different foster homes, no two children remained together. One of my sons was institutionalized (the one who was molested) and remains there today. I am allowed no contact. Every friend I had at the time turned their backs on me. I was no longer welcome at church, or in my community. I lost my home and during the moving process my neighbors stole many precious items because they “thought I didn’t need them anymore.” The church leadership threatened me with excommunication based on accusations spread by my then husband. The local social support network of adopted trans-racial families with whom our family had been very active stopped supporting me completely. Suddenly I was truly alone, the core of my identity stripped bare. For months I was barely functioning. I slept for days with the aid of sleeping pills, only getting up to go the bathroom. I lost 30 pounds in three weeks. I had nightmares, which left me terrified, sweating and crying for hours. Sleep was my only refuge, until the nightmare of my life crept into my dreams and there was no respite at all. How Do Mothers Become Non-Custodial? According to Read (Read, 2013) “The reasons women live apart from their children are many, of course, including a move, a job, family preference, a prison sentence, or a court order .” This paper will focus on those mothers who involuntarily lost custody of their children through the legal system. I connected with these women via four on-line Facebook Groups that provide support to non-custodial mothers. How does society to respond to non-custodial mothers? The following quotes illustrate what non-custodial mothers have said about their situations. (Joy, 2013) writes: “In the past 29 years, many mothers who have their children in their lives have said to non-custodial mothers, ‘That would never happen to me.’  This implies we did something to ‘deserve’ not having our children in our lives.  Also, I often heard, ‘I would have fought for my child’; (implying we didn't).   Most people cannot really relate to the emotional pain unless they have been through it.” Christina, (2013) expressed similar thoughts: “In my experience, most people are puzzled.  Some people have been straight forward, and asked me why my kids don't live with me.  They assume it must be something I did wrong for them to be with their father.  Most people assume either I did something to have them taken away from me or I abandoned them.  I always felt like I have to explain the situation, otherwise they will judge.” Finally Kym (2013) stated: “Society shuts us out as failures. There are no second chances. I've lost friends that have known me since elementary because I must be a bad person.” For some mothers, the media unjustly portrays them as kidnappers when the system fails to protect their children and they run away with their children to protect them. Some mothers are pushed into difficult decisions, as Juliett Gilbert was. To protect her son, she fled with him to New Zealand and remained safe for three years. Her ex-husband expertly manipulated the media to make her a villain, stealing “his” son. Once captured, she served a prison sentence. No contact with her son after her release led her to suicide. As Joy (2013) writes about her dear friend: “Juliette was the most gentle, soft spoken, down to earth, artistic person who loved nature.  She was nurturing and loving to her son.  I am familiar with the abuse that occurred, since Juliette told me, along with many who knew Juliette and her ex-husband in CA.  I received alot of mail after Juliette died and apparently, even co-workers in CA knew.  It would be very unusual for any mother to go to the great lengths Juliette went to...if there were nothing serious happening to her child.  Mothers usually do not do this on a whim or for no reason.  Joy continued by explaining that Juliettes death is a lesson for us all. “We can all learn something from Juliette's death.  It spoke volumes.  Shame on every "Social Worker" who did not believe she was abused and to the media for its portrayal of a "fugitive mom."  Juliette was absolutely, positively nothing like the descriptions you read.  Juliette could be any of us, I assure you.  Sometimes, the "battle" becomes too rough.  Sometimes we become fragile and break.  Sometimes, the courts can just push a parent too far.  This is why I have a problem when people declare, ‘Never give up.’  Not all of us have the same emotional reserves to fight.  Or the stamina, energy or sanity.  Each of us has to do what is best for us. Some may not be able to continue fighting emotionally or financially.  Juliette's death just devastated me.” (Joy, 2013) Joy wrote about her friend Juliette Gilbert  (Henely, 2007)  and the story appeared in the New Zealand media: Tug of War Mom Dies of Broken Heart (Tug of War Mom Dies of Broken Heart, 2007). “It is of my experience that non-custodial mothers are misunderstood and constantly have to explain their story.  People generally have the old-fashioned impression that mothers get custody the majority of the time and that they do not win custody unless they have something very wrong happen like they are drug addicted.  Usually when I tell people that I do not have custody of my daughter I would like to leave it at that and let them acknowledge the pained look upon my face, but I can tell that I have to explain to them that there is nothing wrong with me as a parent-that the judge was only attempting to use the system as it stands and provide equal parenting time and my former spouse abused the system.  They are usually astounded that it is so easy to do.  They are sometimes unsure that I am truthful about their American justice system being so easy to manipulate.  They can see that I am articulate, and not mentally unstable.  Even so I am often heavily scrutinized or seen as an outlier or as having radical views.  I speak out about my situation though I feel ashamed so that I can reach out to other women who may be suffering in silence (Heidi, 2013).” The judgment, guild and blame experienced by these women from the surrounding society seems almost universal for non-custodial mothers. After being judged and condemned multiple times I began to tell my story when I met new people. If they could move past that, so did I. Trust in anyone was and remains a issue in my life. What happens to a mother’s sense of identity when she becomes a non-custodial mother? Joy further explains the effect of losing children and the effects it has on one’s identity. She explains: “Devastation and loss of identity as most of us were in mother roles.  We were Primary Caretakers who were loving, nurturing mothers who share a prenatal bond with our children- i.e. conception, labor and delivery.  Our lives must make drastic changes as we now build our lives around the next court hearing, "visitation" schedules, preparing for that next court hearing, the fear of false allegations and having to protect ourselves, wondering how we will pay absurd child support payments, and how we will function in day-to-day life being sleep deprived and devastated.  Many mothers had their cars repossessed, lost homes, etc. because they had to give the money for these payments to their attorneys (Joy, personal communication, 2013).” This echoes my own experiences. After being a mother for nearly all of my then 53 years of my life, without that, there seemed little value to me in continuing to live. Verna, a grandmother , and dear personal friend, who was raising her grandchildren writes: “There is no thing, no person, no anything that can replace my grandsons that have been stolen from me.  Unless/until they find a way to break away from this woman when they are grown, I shall never see them again, and my family, for all intents and purposes, becomes extinct.” (C, 2013) “My life spiraled after they were taken from me.  At the time of my divorce, my boys were 8 and 2.  It was so difficult, heart breaking, like there's a hole you can never fill.  A void that will never go away, because part of you is missing.  Even after I remarried, and had two more children, the void is still there  (Christina).” “There is no emotional anguish quite like it. I pray, I curse.  Life has no feeling, everything tastes like ashes.  It is a grief acknowledged by no other but a woman in the same position as yourself.  (Heidi, 2013).”  For some this deep anguish diminishes over time and continued contact with their children, however brief that contact is. But for non-custodial mothers who aren’t able to see or communicate with their children, the impact lessens much more slowly and the gut-wrenching agony is like a tsunamai of grief that catches us unexpectedly and overwhelms us. Only those who’ve experienced it can begin to fathom how dark the world becomes. Personally, there were many nights where I prayed I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. I’d lived my life for my precious children for so many years, and all my friends had disappeared as if what happened to me was contagious. Almost three months after my children were taken, in December of 2007, I found a job living full time with an elderly lady who’d had a stroke. I poured all my love and energy into that elderly woman until she passed away. I also went back to college and completed my bachelor’s degree in health care administration, and then my master’s degree in American Studies. Presently now working on a graduate certificate in Women and Gender Studies. Eventually I met and married a wonderful man, a widower. Life began to seem a bit more normal and a great deal less nightmarish. I’m open with everyone about what happened to my children and I. That eliminates those who can’t be compassionate almost immediately. My openness also helps educate others about the lack of justice in America’s justice and legal system. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss my children, pray for their welfare and ache with longing to see and hold them again. What resources are available to non-custodial mothers? “There are many support groups, web pages, authors, educators and caring social workers who help to promote awareness.  The best resource is still each other.  We are the experts because we have lived it.  In an ideal world, others would have compassion, concern, and want to learn from us.  Some people lack the compassion and concern because they intentionally gossip about our situations when they do not know the facts.  They can't step out of themselves long enough to realize the seriousness of this.  How do we respond?  By telling other mothers we are here if they need to talk or vent, sharing resources, and praying for one another.” (Joy, 2013) No one except another non-custodial mother can understand our sorrow, pain and grief. Amy was able to locate a local counselling program: “The only resource I found was counseling through my county. Which kind of helped. There wasn't any legal aid to assist in my battle. There isn't a neutral court official to make sure decisions are made appropriately and fairly. I was forced to pay his attorney fees to his close family friend which never required him to pay. She racked up the hours and sued me when they won. He makes 3 times what I do per month. So that sent me into financial hardship. My attorney fees were 4500, his were 9500. His attorney spent twice as much time on the case than mine. My attorney had no reason to be invested like his attorney was (Amy, 2013).” Like some of these mom’s I couldn’t afford counselling at first. Most programs were out of my reach financially. I didn’t trust anyone, another barrier to receiving help. Once I was registered in college, the school counsellor was there and I could see her regularly. That helped me begin to heal and move forward. I have been able to continue an on-again, off again relationship with my now 21 year old step daughter, and she shares what she feels is ‘safe’ with me about my children. That helps a bit. I didn’t find these on-line support groups as they hadn’t yet begun when I was enduring the beginnings of my own tragedy. As a society, how do we collectively respond to these women? The National Association of Non-Custodial Mothers Association (2012) citing the 2001 Census Bureau statistics states that 2.2 million women lost custody of their children in the U.S.” Society has many conflicting standards regarding motherhood in America. Most seem to assume negative judgments about non-custodial mothers as the women below relate. “I used to think about a non-custodial mom in a negative way. I thought about someone who must have some pretty major issues. They must be drug addicts, have serious mental issues or they are so self-absorbed, they didn't want to take care of their children once they were free from the bonds of matrimony…… Most of the non-custodial mothers don't want to speak up because of the fear of what others will think about them. After all, the stigma is strong against these women (Block, 2013).” “As a society, we don’t quite know what to make of mothers who don’t live with their kids (Read, 2013).” “Society generally responds negatively to any hearing of any noncustodial mother. You must be "a dead beat, druggy, thief, unstable, whore" if you are a mom and don't have custody (Amy, 2013).” The night before my husband and I were married his adult children kept him up all night trying to convince him to NOT marry me because I had lost custody of my children. One of his daughters sobbed loudly throughout the ceremony saying “Daddy don’t do this” until the officiator told her to stop. For months they asked my step son every week if he was being abused or hurt by me. He eventually told them all off and they backed off a bit. They remain non-supportive of our marriage. “I really feel Non-Custodial mothers are looked down on without a second thought.   I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "Only crazy crack whore mothers lose custody of the children."    This makes my blood boil.  I've been shunned from volunteering with my sons' Boy Scout troop because my ex is buddies with the leaders and made sure they knew he had custody (Jackie, 2013).” This emotional isolation and judgment further limits non-custodial mothers from receiving support and leaves them struggling, often alone, on their own to rebuild their lives. “I couldn't afford private counseling, so we went through the county.  I tried meeting with my son's elementary school counselor, because I wanted her to be aware of what was going on in his life.  She wasn't very responsive (Christina, 2013).” This aforementioned comments resonate for me as well. I had worked in the education system for many years and often volunteered at schools and my children’s schools. Part of the restraining order put against me stated I couldn’t walk into any elementary school in the state of Utah. Even though this was an illegal order, like many of these mothers I had no funds to fight or appeal it. I found a job in an assisted living facility for a few months. When the nursing home administrator found out about my children I was immediately let go, despite there being no criminal charges ever placed against me. Arditti & Madden-Derdich,( 1993) discuss strategies for assisting non-custodial mothers explain that these mothers have “In general, mothers had difficulty dealing with their discomfort and guilt over their noncustodial status.” The transition from being a custodial mother to having little if any voice in the lives of one’s children remains the most devastating event in my life and in the lives of other mothers with whom I spoke. “I have no resources other than the women's groups I speak to on Facebook and yahoo.  I have tried therapy, but I found my therapist was even ill equipped to handle the trials of a long term custody battle with an HCP (high conflict person) and a protracted custody battle.  I would like society to stop vilifying them and to acknowledge them.  Even high profile women such as Katie Holmes and Christie Brinkley are slandered.  Provide pro-bono services to low income families!  When we see the cost as a nation that these women shoulder, we will find solutions.  Make mediation mandatory for all divorces.  Make men with DV (domestic violence) tags have a high profile court review process (Heidi, 2013).” During the divorce proceedings I discovered that my then husband had multiple prior arrests for domestic abuse, but his family had bought him out of any consequences. The lack of resources for non-custodial mothers makes it much harder for women to cope with the devastating grief and loss. There are few, if any local face-to-face groups for support of non-custodial mothers. Their grief is profound. I have known Verna for seven years, before she lost custody and after. There are often times when I fear for her safety and have contacted other acquaintances to physically check in on her. She has withdrawn from life and from interacting with others.  Feeling judged by everyone we meet increases the emotional burden and affects our ability to create new relationships. For years I felt as if everyone I met was assigning me negative labels as the women above experienced and shared. In many situations I was correct in this assumption. My husband’s adult children don’t allow me to interact with my step grandchildren unless one of them is present and they stand over me like I will turn into a monster. I’m not allowed on the second floor of their house during visits. After the first year of our marriage we began to stay at a hotel while visiting, which made things more comfortable. How do we put ourselves back together again? What coping skills do non-custodial mothers use? Verna copes by “I throw myself into my job, in spite of intense physical pain and the resulting  surgery, a dislocation, and now some sort of back injury.  I am working full time and probably should not be.  I have to keep my brain engaged in a mental task at all times, or I am shrieking to the heavens in pain and agony.  Tricks like cryptic crosswords, paying bills, research trails, etc., keep my brain active.  Menial tasks do not as they only occupy part of my brain and allow the remainder to relive every pain and sorrow, refight every lost battle, cry and suffer and go through all of it again and again and again  (C, 2013).” In my own recovery, I bought word search books from the dollar stores and spent hours searching for the words to keep my brain active and focused on something besides the agony I felt at missing my children and fearing for their safety. For her, every part of her home and surroundings remind her of her losses: “I relive and mourn all that has been lost.  There is no corner, no ornament, no place I can look anywhere in my house, (I say house, because I have no home), my car, on the street, around every corner, on any billboard of Disney or Movies, …I am inundated with them and I mourn every second of every day,  BUT I do not have the luxury of that.  If I am not constantly cheerful and HAPPY I will lose my job. It has become an issue and I have been warmed that it is not good; that I am not a happy person.  What is it I am supposed to do (C, 2013)?” My home was covered in pictures of my children. I had to pack them away and leave them in a friend’s basement as simply looking at them was too painful. Just before I moved to Massachusetts due to a family illness, I contacted my step daughter and arranged for her to take possession of all of my children’s life books and pictures. It was a heart-rending, emotional meeting for both of us. Afterwards , I struggled for weeks with a return of the nightmares of my children calling out in the night for me, and I couldn’t do anything for them. It was as if the six years between loosing my children and present time just vanished, and the wounds were open, bleeding and aching as if freshly created once more. I find hope and comfort in Joy’s statement: “It is important to remember that we will ALWAYS be the mother- regardless of the circumstances.  We cope by praying, having faith, having a solid support network of family and friends, connecting with other mothers who have been through the ordeal, keeping a Chronology of Events (that can be admissible in court), learning all we can about alienation and its effect upon children, being aware of community resources, crying buckets of tears, managing stress, refusing to play any games or create drama, and vowing that we will never allow the stress and events of this journey to destroy our health or kill us.” Jackie writes: “At first I was lost without my sons.  I was very involved.  Team mom, room mom, PTO, and even coached their basketball teams early on.  It was hard to get back to being Jackie and not B & A's mom.  But I did it by volunteering and helping other victims of DV.  By realizing I was much more than just a mother.  I was Jackie (Jackie, 2013).” Her statements resonate strongly for me and other non-custodial mothers I’ve spoken with. Rebuilding our own sense of who we are is difficult and takes a long time. Christina, (2013) states: “For me, I coped in a very negative way in the beginning.  A year after my children were taken away from me, I started going to church.  I've learned that leaning on God, and praying over the situation, praying for my children, and forgiving their father (in my heart) has been cathartic.  It doesn't fill the void in my heart, it never will, but I've learned to live with it.” Amy (2013) states “At this point (1.5 years later) I find that staying in contact daily, sending mail on our longer times apart, and being involved with school and extracurricular activities has helped. Researching rights as a noncustodial parent has helped. But I live each day in fear... hoping I'm not doing anything that will fuel his fire to take me to court and get time removed or something. I will never be free. My ex has control of my life now and he has the power to destroy my everything even more than he already has. And I can't take him to court for anything for fear that I'll have to pay his fees or that I will lose time with my daughter.” This sense of fathers using the courts to continue to control their ex-wives and getting back at the women through the children is a consistent theme for non-custodial mothers. “My life was shattered. My whole reason for living was/is being held hostage. It's been 12 years since the divorce. Thirteen since I left. I spent the first year cowering in corners crying unable to sleep more than an hour or so. I was in intensive therapy for over 5 years. I learned to cope. I learned to forgive myself of mistakes that I held. …Some days all I could do was remember to breathe and that was a feat. At this point and the past couple years maybe with age I show up unannounced at birthdays, graduation, school functions. It is my right as their mother (Kym, 2013).” I can recall hours of feeling like each breath would be my last, the anxiety was so strong. I developed panic attacks which continue to this day, six years later. Verna C writes: (C, 2013) “I have no answer for any of this.  I pray every day that God will end my life as this pain is too much to bear.  I am trying so very hard, but I feel I am failing, as I have failed everything else at every turn of my life.  I am hopeless, bereft, without any reason to breathe, yet I have no choice but to do so.  I am an open wound that cannot heal, without answers, without hope, without life.  I am what it means to be a zombie.” Verna lives in a rather isolated place, has no family remaining and is ostracized from her church community. She refuses to seek any help through counselling, has lost immense amounts of weight, and continues to remain stuck in her despair. Kym (2013) reminds me of my own darkest days when she says: “We cope by remembering to breathe...every day. We cope by crying in the shower so no one sees. We cope by shutting everyone out. We cope by screaming in the forest. We cope by running away and never settling down. We cope by whatever means necessary because we are mothers above all else and mothers love their children no matter the consequences. We cope by putting every minute we spend with our children locked into special memories because we don't know if we'll have another opportunity. We cope by joining groups to realize we are not alone. We cope.” Breathing each day remains a battle for many of us. Prayer is a common way we deal with our losses, and pray for our children’s safety and eventual return. For those non-custodial mothers with no hope of seeing their children again, hope no longer is a part of one’s existence. “We cope by talking with others and we never let go of Hope... (Windy, 2013).” Heidi (2013) asks “Do we?  We prepare.  We educate ourselves.  We communicate and exchange information.  We plan for a future that will eventually have our children in it full time and be free of abuse from our former spouses and the courts.  Somedays we just cry, or pray .She ends with a quote “When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall — think of it, always. ……An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind (Ghandi, 1927).”Heidi’s quote from Mahatma Ghandi helps me put things in perspective. Love will win out. When my children are adults I hope they will seek me out and we can rebuild our relationships. During those long periods of complete hopelessness and dark despair I coped by throwing myself into a job that took every ounce of my energy, working 24 hour shifts, back to back, five days a week. The quiet hours were spent working on my academics, and I took pride in finishing a four year degree in two years with a 3.88 G.P.A. My own grief remains, but not so overwhelming as it was. Building new friendships, and finding my loving husband helped me want to live again. I feel driven to help others have their voices heard, to raise awareness of the complete inequity and lack of fairness for non-custodial mothers. I MUST help their voices be heard. Conclusions It is important to note that all the women who shared their stories in this paper had custody taken away rather than voluntarily giving up their parental rights. As the doctrine of ‘tender years’ where it was thought that children were best served by being with their mothers, has given way to ‘best interests’ of the child (Arditti & Madden-Derdich, 1993) as determined by the courts and expert witnesses (who all make a great living), resulting in more fathers are gaining full custody. Fisher (1983, Pp 356) explains that since a father generally often has more financial resources than the mom because they have more financial resources than the mom and can provide , more material comforts and opportunities are better for a child, thus fathers receive custody far more often. Most argue that the economic situation of men post-divorce is the reason they gain custody. Men, more often than women, have the means to hire high price attorneys and use their funds to ruin these women financially (and, often emotionally). Women have difficulty obtaining legal representation in contentious divorces, and even when they have the funds, current research, along with these women’s narratives, show that men are getting additional help from the Father’s Rights initiative which pays off therapists, Guardian Ad Litems and the like to support the father’s custody demands. In Utah, no attorney would work pro-bono, despite my calling literally hundreds of attorney’s in the state. My on-line research indicates that no state in America provides Legal Aid to cover attorney’s fees for custody expenses for mothers unless there was a guilty finding on the father for abuse of the children. I personally know of cases where the Father’s Rights Initiative has assisted men, many of whom were physically abusive and/or emotionally abusive toward the children and their mothers to be granted custody of the children. Their lawyers then frequently sue the mothers to have their funds recovered again, leaving many non-custodial mothers in complete financial ruin. Personally, I can’t have a bank account because my ex-husband’s attorney watches and any time I have any funds what so ever, he illegally takes every penny. Many mothers are left with no legal means to assist them in their custody cases because lawyers were only willing to take on so many pro bono cases because they know these cases can drag on for years . “A lack of financial resources is an important contributor for mother’s inability to fight back (Arditti & Madden-Derdich, 1993).” It certainly was a major factor in my case. No local lawyer wanted to go up against the very powerful Special Master nor the Judge involved. The attorney I hired drove an hour and a half to get to hearings in the county where I lived. Once he was late due to a major snowstorm and the Judge threatened to have me arrested because of his tardiness. Arditti & Madden-Derdich continue “Limited choices, support, lack of supports and financial resources all point to the oppression that these mothers experience. As a result of their marginalized status and oppression these women remain largely invisible and outside the legal and mental health systems (Pp. 313).” “From a feminist framework it is acknowledged that the potential difficulties mothers face by virtue of their non-normative status, lack of choice, inaccessibility of the legal system, points to a clear need to provide a means of empowerment for these women (Arditti & Madden-Derdich, 1993).” The women who agreed to share their stories within this paper concur that changes need to begin at the very fabric of society to address the inequities women now face in maintaining contact and relationships with their children. These inequities are deeply rooted in a patriarchal system that favors men, allowing father to gain full custody more frequently. All of the complexities we studied about during this class provided me with a deeper understanding of how our current society views motherhood. My personal experience as a non-custodial mother combined with my interactions with the women in this paper helped strengthen my resolve to be part of the change and to continue to give non-custodial mothers a voice that can be heard. This paper has come at a great cost to me emotionally and psychologically as I’ve relived my own trauma. Interacting with these brave women has also strengthened me as I know now that I am not really alone and there are others who understand the soul-wrenching pain that is part of everyday life for non-custodial mothers. The coursework for the Politics of Mothering class has helped me understand how deeply patriarchy contributes to the oppression of women in America. I am aware that the politics involved in this situation are a topic best discussed in future research. This class, combined with my own life’s experiences increased my knowledge of the complex factors involved in the increasing numbers of non-custodial mothers. The topic of non-custodial mothers is one that needs to be explored much more deeply. The numbers of mothers without custody continues to grow each year. Until their voices are fully heard it is difficult to organize or work collaboratively to create the changes needed to more fully empower these mothers. It is time to break this silence and create supportive environments for these women and their children. Facebook Groups Hope for Noncustodial Moms https://www.facebook.com/groups/277348013047/ Mothers Without Custody https://www.facebook.com/groups/MothersWithoutCustody/ Mothers Apart from their Children https://www.facebook.com/groups/326632450691507/ Abuse Survivors from Court and Legal System https://www.facebook.com/groups/218664308294840/ Works and Interviews Cited Amy. (2013, Dec. 1). Non-Custodial Mothers paper. (D. Ansbergs, Interviewer. Personal Communication) Arditti, J. A., & Madden-Derdich, D. A. (1993). Noncustodial Motherse: Developing Strategies of Support. Family Relations. Vol. 42. No. 3. Family Diversity, Pp 305-314. Block, L. (2013, Dec 13). The Non Custodial Mother. Retrieved from Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lee-block/the-noncustodial-mother_b_824916.html C, V. (2013, October 2). Non-custodial momther's Paper. (D. Ansbergs, Interviewer. Personal Communication) Christina. (2013, Dec. 13). Non-Custodial Mothers Paper. (D. Ansbergs, Interviewer Personal Communication) Daly, M. (1990). Gyn/Ecology: The Metaethics of Radical Feminism. Boston, MA: Beacon House. Fischer, J. (1983). Mothers Living Apart from Their Children. Family Relations, Vol. 32. No. 3. , Pp 351-357. Ghandi, M. (1927, 2007). International Day of Non-Violence The Story of My Experiments with Truth . Retrieved from United Nations: http://www.un.org/events/nonviolence/2008/ Heidi. (2013, Dec. 14). Non-Custodial Mothers Paper. (D. Ansbergs, Interviewer. Personal Communication ) Henely, J. (2007, June 29). The Suicide of Non-Custodial Mom, Juliette Gilbert. Retrieved from Victims of the Law: http://victimsoflaw.net/gilbert_juliette_suicide.htm Jackie. (2013, Dec. 14). Non-Custodial Mothers Paper. (D. Ansbergs, Interviewer. Personal Communication ) Joy. (2013, Dec. 12). Non-custodial Mothers Paper. (D. Ansbergs, Interviewer Personal Communication. ) Kym. (2013, Dec. 14). Non-Custodial Mothers Paprer. (D. Ansbergs, Interviewer. Personal Communication) National Association of Non Custodial Mom’s. (2012, July). National Association of Non Custodial Mom’s. Retrieved from National Association of Non Custodial Mom’s: http://www.nancm.org/?page=company_profile R, J. (2013, Nov. 28). Non-Custodial Mothers Paper. (D. Ansbergs, Interviewer Personal Communication. ) Read, K. (2013, Dec. 13). Mothering From Afar. Retrieved from Brainchild--The Magazine for Thinking Mothers: http://www.brainchildmag.com/2013/04/mothering-from-afar/ Tug of War Mom Dies of Broken Heart. (2007, July 7). Retrieved from Bay of Plenty Times: http://www.nzherald.co.nz/bay-of-plenty-times/news/article.cfm?c_id=1503343&objectid=10958159 Windy. (2013, Dec. 1). Non-Custodial Mothers Paper. (D. Ansbergs, Interviewer. Personal Communication ) nsbergs 25