5 People Get Super Honest About Their BDSM Lifestyle

BDSM, which, fun fact, stands for “bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism,” is one of the top sexual kinks in the world. In Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life by relationship and sex expert Justin Lehmiller, PhD, he found that nearly 65 percent of people were more open to the idea of submission than they were dominance.

Do we credit this recent interest to a certain character lead named Anastasia Steele from a semipopular (lol) franchise called Fifty Shades? Maybe! There’s no denying that both women and men have since explored this fetish rapidly because of its acceptance in pop culture. But don’t think this is a new thing, y’all—people have been exploring and engaging in a BDSM lifestyle for years.

Here are the tales of six women who are regularly involved in the BDSM sex scene (whether as a dominant, sub, or switch) and their experiences:

What are your favorite BDSM-ish things to do in bed?

“I love restraint and/or impact play. I enjoy being choked, bound, spanked, and bitten and exploring breath play. While bound, I enjoy wrist and ankle cuffs as well as being bound with rope or silk scarves. Being restrained allows me to submit fully, so adding a blindfold into the mix with bondage incorporates sensory play and makes everything that’s done to my body feel ten times better.” —Tammy*, 31
“I love corporal punishment, tease and denial, and worship.” —Jane*, 33
“Bondage and role-play are big parts of my sex life with my dominant: ropes, duct tape, ball gags, typical ‘damsel in distress’ stuff. In our heavy scenes, I like to experience toys like floggers, paddles, and canes for intensity and then rabbit fur or feathers for a counterbalancing soft effect. It all tends to act more like foreplay before sex. But it’s not uncommon to incorporate things like spanking and nipple play in our lovemaking as well.” —Denise*, 29
“Specifically, I like edge play that involves some amount of restraining the other person while asphyxiating them off and on. I’m also super into sensory deprivation. Most people find they also are because it heightens anticipation. Let me be clear: Most of this cannot happen on a bed.” —Allison*, 25
“I really like domination, impact play, and restraints. I also love bare-bottom spanking or using implements like whips or paddles to cause sensation on my skin from light to intense. I also love doing strap-on sex with partners (especially with my male partners).” —Kayla*, 33
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Are you dominant, submissive, or a switch?

“I’m a switch. I’m submissive to my husband and other female partners, but I’m dominant with most other partners.” —Tammy, 31
“Dominant.” —Jane, 33
“I’m submissive to one man.” —Denise, 29
“I am dominant. However, I have been a switch for the sake of my partner or with partners who want to see what happens first and I want them to be comfortable. For example, I will show them the wax doesn’t leave burns on me or that nothing will cause bloodshed.” —Allison, 35
“I’m a switch, but I lean submissive.” —Kayla, 33

How old were you when you first tried BSDM?

“I was introduced to BDSM activities in my early 20s on accident. I was playing with a partner who didn’t want me to move my position, but I decided not to listen to his requests. One thing led to another and I didn’t expect him to move so swiftly or use force with me, but when he did, I quickly discovered that my body responded positively to his restraints. Once I told him I liked it after getting over the initial shock, I realized this was something I needed to look more into.” —Tammy, 31
“Probably around 16 or 17. I had a male peer worship my foot in a supermarket.” —Jane, 33
“I’ve always been curious about it since my first sexual encounter but I didn’t really get to experience it until I was 24 and met my dominant.” —Denise, 29
“I was 17. I didn’t know what I was doing was a form of BDSM, but I was really just saying horrible things to my partner. Now, as an adult, I realize it was humiliation.” —Allison, 35
“There were several times in high school when partners would do things with me that I didn’t know were BDSM at the time—like being tied up and controlling me or doing consensual fear play—dragging a knife across my body sensually as a way to take me to the edge of trust with him.” —Kayla, 33

What made you want to try it?

“When I consciously began to explore BDSM in 2016, I wanted to express a side of myself that I was experiencing fear around. Being a black woman who enjoys dominating and being dominated isn’t something we see regularly in mainstream depictions of BDSM play. I wanted to move past those misconceptions and connect and express myself fully without shame.” —Tammy, 31
“I loved the power of having men do what I wanted and seeing them beneath me.” —Jane, 33
“It just seemed to be everything that I wanted in my sex life. It seemed fun, exciting, and extremely passionate.” —Denise, 29
“I was always the sort of person who would push things to the edge, watch the scariest movies, or go on the fastest rides. When I started becoming sexually active, all I could think about was how these three bases weren’t it. There had to be more than this.” —Allison, 35
“I remember seeing a scene in The Addam’s Family when I was 6 where Morticia was tied to a torture wheel and Gomez was talking to her in such a sensual and passionate way. Since then, I had always wanted to experience that kind of dynamic of mixing fear and consensual, loving torture with passionate love.” —Kayla, 33

Did it live up to your expectations?

“I didn’t go in with any expectations because I knew that I would feel disappointed if I did. I’m here for the journey of discovery for as long as I live on this earth, and I choose not to have expectation to avoid disappointment. But what I discovered was that there isn’t anything or anyone within the BDSM space to be afraid of.” —Tammy, 31
“Oh yes, and more!” —Jane, 33
“It exceeded my expectations and that’s mainly due to finding my perfect match to experience it with. When you have a partner who is very compatible with you, it makes BDSM that much more exciting.” —Denise, 29
“Yes, it’s been my way of life for decades.” —Allison, 35
“And then some! It was the most thrilling experience, unlike anything I could have imagined it would feel like.” —Kayla, 33

What do you like most about BDSM?

“What I like most about BDSM is that the acts within it can be pleasurable within themselves. Penetrative sex isn’t necessary for the dom, sub, or switch to feel pleasure. Knowing that I have another way to express myself outside of the heteronormative, penetrative sex that is so prominently displayed and promoted is powerful. Whether I have a dom spank and bind me or I do it for myself to myself, I know I’m receiving pleasure. It is a guarantee that if I request the things I desire and use my safe words to negotiate the intensity of play, I’m going to receive pleasure in the exact way that I want it.” —Tammy, 31
“I love that it is the carefully negotiated and consensual world of doing things you aren’t ‘supposed’ to like or do. Do you love hitting people and calling them names? You can do it in BDSM to the exquisite enjoyment of everyone involved.” —Jane, 33
“I love the level of trust and communication it fosters with your partner. These aspects are paramount in any healthy relationship, but it is especially important with BDSM. You have to communicate your wants and needs, when it’s too little or too much. There is no room for keeping things to yourself.” —Denise, 29
“That it’s all good and fun for playfulness to share an experience outside of just getting it in.” —Allison, 35
“It has helped me break some patterns of shame I experienced around my sexuality and what was turning me on in my fantasies. I thought I was weird or broken because I liked these kinds of things, but what I came to realize is that BDSM actually gave me my power back around sexuality because I create scenarios with my partners that are otherwise ‘taboo’ and we have total control over when it stops, how far it goes, and what happens in it.” —Kayla, 33

Is there anything you don’t like about it?

“The only thing I don’t like about BDSM is the vanilla-world misperceptions of what it means to be kinky and to play in this way. Other than that, there isn’t anything I don’t like about the space. I have my hard limits of things that I will not play with or experiment with, but that’s like everything in life.” —Tammy, 31
“I don’t like that it can have a bad reputation that people who practice BDSM are freaks. Almost everyone practices some form of BDSM, whether they call it that or not—like those who engage in role-play or even the rougher side of sex.” —Jane, 33
“I do not like the closed-minded and negative stereotypes that people have about BDSM and people who think they know everything there is to know about BDSM when all they did was read Fifty Shades. There is so much to learn and it can take years, and you can still learn new stuff even then.” —Denise, 29
“Honestly, no.” —Allison, 35
“There are some dominants who can use the structure of the BDSM community to prey upon people who are less experienced. Meaning, if there is a new person who wants to try it out but doesn’t know the difference between healthy domination and abuse, these newbies often think it’s ‘normal’ for a dominant to be controlling and toxic in ways that have not been negotiated or agreed upon—causing gaslighting and potential emotional abuse to the new person.” —Kayla, 33

How do you negotiate consent with BDSM stuff?

“Negotiating consent with kinks is the same as negotiating with anything else in life, except there is more communication in a specific way. Before going into any play scene, the dom and sub speak about what the sub wants and their limits, health issues or previous injuries, and triggers. Safe words are established to help navigate the scene and help gauge the sub’s temperature during play.” —Tammy, 31
“I ask people about their loves and likes first, then I talk about dislikes, limits, hard limits. I also go over any medical conditions as well as a safe word. Lastly, I ask what kind of aftercare they want.” —Jane, 33
“By talking about it. Communicate what you like and what you don’t like, what you want to do and with whom. Identify and communicate your limits. This is especially important for submissives. Just because you are a sub does not mean you have to bend to the will of every person claiming to be a dominant.” —Denise, 29
“We always agree on what is okay and what’s not. Also, there needs to be a safe word or signal to communicate that it should stop. Aftercare is also majorly important, which is when you make sure your partner is physically and emotionally okay after play.” —Allison, 35
“The most important thing I have found is to get very clear with myself first: What are my hard limits and why? What are the things I am hesitant to try but also want to explore? What do I like and want? When I can get clear about those things, I can communicate them well to my partners and not fold under pressure of the moment in negotiation.” —Kayla, 33

How important is BDSM to your sex life?

“BDSM is an important part of my sex life because I express some part of it within my play consistently. This is a form of erotic self-expression that makes me feel complete. Again, the acts that I enjoy are pleasurable within themselves, so sometimes a spanking session is the sex.” —Tammy, 31
“It’s pretty important in my sexual relations with people, but I wouldn’t say it’s a requirement. But again, where do you draw the line of BDSM and creative sex? However, I am always in a dominant role, that’s nonnegotiable.” —Jane, 33
“BDSM is very important for my sex life, but it’s not something I need every time I have sex. Vanilla sex is just as necessary—it’s good to mix things up!” —Denise, 29
“It’s very important. It doesn’t have to happen every time we have sex, but more than half the time.” —Allison, 35
“It’s really important, it gave me my sexuality back. I suffered from pelvic pain for over a decade, and I was able to have a fulfilling sex life again by finding ways to indulge, enjoy sexual activities, and experience deep orgasms with another partner without ever having to be penetrated vaginally. I don’t have to have BDSM activities included in every sexual situation; however, I do see being kinky as my sexual orientation. I’m hardwired to seek out these kinds of sexual situations and engagements with someone.” —Kayla, 33

What do you think are the biggest misconceptions about BDSM?

“People believe that expressing kinks is some form of deviant behavior that borderlines abuse, and this is far from the truth. There are some people who are into receiving pain because it brings them pleasure, but the act of receiving lashings or beatings isn’t abuse. It’s actually consented by the receiver, and they gauge how much they can take. People assume that BDSM is all about pain, but it’s really about pleasure.” —Tammy, 31
“I think the biggest misconceptions about BDSM is that it is all about pain.” —Jane, 33
“That it has to be harsh and cruel. My dominant and I have an educational system called The Crow Academy, which is a unique BDSM style that centers on romance and passion. We teach people that BDSM can be incredibly loving and help strengthen the bond between lovers.” —Denise, 29
“For one, it’s unsafe—we are not rage-aholics looking to go crazy on someone. Two, it means you were abused or molested—my sister and I are both a part of the community and it’s simply not true. And three, it means you aren’t in love with your partner—you need to trust each other and be super comfortable, so there’s love. —Allison, 35
“That everyone who does it is a freak or that something is wrong with them. Also, that BDSM or kink has to be extreme. It’s not! It can range from mild to wild. Also, that we’re all walking around in gimp outfits when we go home. Another one is that it’s all trauma-based, but that’s so inaccurate—thank Fifty Shades of Grey for that load of lies.” —Kayla, 33

**Do you have any advice for Cosmo readers who want to try BDSM?**

“Get into a coaching program or take classes on BDSM. There are Youtube videos, books, online courses, local dungeons, and play spaces that host classes and so many more options for people to use in becoming educated and indoctrinated into the BDSM world. Education is key. Kink requires training. Training provides safety.” —Tammy, 31
“Start slow! Check out classes and books, and consider hiring a professional to get you started. Make sure that you trust the partner you are choosing to explore with and never do this while intoxicated. Consent cannot be given if you are under the influence.” —Jane, 33
“Educate yourself as much as possible in order to discover the things you do want to try and to identify the things in which you have no interest. Get connected with your local BDSM community and take classes so you can learn from people with good experience. Online discussions are great, but nothing beats really learning from people who you know have a great reputation in the BDSM community.” —Denise, 29
“Look up a list of things to see what you might like and don’t like. Read over it alone or with your partner. Talk about why you like what you like or what part is appealing to you.” —Allison, 35
“Talking to local sex therapists can be a great way to enter into the world safely and to learn educationally from a professional who has access to accurate information about how to do that.” —Kayla, 33

*All names have been changed.

Carina Hsieh

Sex & Relationships Editor

Carina Hsieh lives in NYC with her French Bulldog Bao Bao — follow her on Instagram and Twitter • Candace Bushnell once called her the Samantha Jones of Tinder • She enjoys hanging out in the candle aisle of TJ Maxx and getting lost in Amazon spirals.