Ed The Elf: A Short Story Collection

STRIPPERS AND STOCKINGS

Ed The Elf #1

ED THE ELF GETS PROMOTED

Edward Hendricks, I hereby promote you to Supervisor Level 3, old Poo Shanks, Ed’s manager and boss of the small manufacturing plant, said.

All of Ed’s practiced speech went out the window. He knew that one of the five elves standing next to him could have gotten the promotion today. They had all worked hard over the past seven Christmases. Anyone of them would have been a good pick for the position. Ed was just glad that it was him.

Poo Shanks ignored Ed’s obvious enthusiasm and pointed to the others with his long crooked index finger.

You four may leave. I hope you will work harder in the future if you wish to rise as this elf has today.

The others gave Ed angry looks and then bowed their heads in shame. He would not be welcome around the milk and cookies stand for a few days until he was forgiven, but it was always that way with promotions in The Great Santa Corporation.

Poo Shanks shuffled some papers on his desk.

You will be happy to know that I have an assignment for you, he intoned.

Ed’s little eyebrow rose. Already?

We have some guests coming in from the Polish branch today.

What sort of guests, sir?

Poo Shanks picked up the stapler from the desk and casually biffed it Ed’s way. The small nimble elf side stepped it, but Shanks had used a little magic on the steel plated stapler and it knocked off a invisible wall to leave a nasty dent in the back of Ed’s head.

Ouch!

Poo laughed as Ed leaned over and held his head.

That will teach you for being impatient. Now, listen carefully.

Poo Shanks adjusted his suit. He was fluffing himself up, which meant that Ed was going to get one of his little speeches as well as his marching orders.

You are to pick them up at the Santa International Airport by 5pm and get them back here by 8pm. If you fail in this mission, you will be demoted.

DEMOTED? Ed squeaked.

Yes.

The stapler flew up from the ground behind Ed and hit him in the back of the head again.

I will see you at 8pm.

Ed looked at the clock. It was 3:30pm. The airport was over 2 hours away. He was going to be late!

Sprinting for the door, Ed could hear Poo Shanks’ laughter as he ran down the hallway. The bastard had probably set him up for this. Maybe, Ed was going to be welcome around the cookie stand sooner than he thought.

POLES ON THE GO

Ed raced into the huge airport and found it crowded to the limit with elves of all kinds.

Running past tour groups here to see The Great Santa Corporation’s headquarters and perhaps catch a glance of the man himself, Ed made it to the exit gate for all sleigh flights heading into the North Pole. The Poles were nowhere to be seen.

Have you seen a bunch of Polish business elves anywhere? he asked the service person.

She shook her head and went back to working on her computer.

Ed looked around. There were dozens of business elves in their greenish suits and little black boots, but everyone had the white skinned look of people from the continent.

Someone pulled on his pants leg. Ed looked down to see a small child with sharp features and red hair parted in the center.

I heard you are looking for a group of Poles. I might know where they are.

Ed smiled. What luck! The elf had come to save him.

Quickly, child. Where can I find them?

The elf child smirked at him.

$50.

What?

Pay me $50 and I’ll tell you where you can find them.

Ed noted the greasiness of the child’s hands and hair. This kid was probably one of the street hooligans that roamed the big city.

You have to be kidding me.

Afraid not.

Ed looked over to the woman behind the desk who was firmly ignoring the situation. He noticed that she had red hair as well.

Great a family scam, he thought.

He pulled out his big green purse and dropped $50 into the waiting hands of the small boy.

Thanks so much. They came in through gate number 2 and left via exit 5.

Ed immediately sprinted back the way he had come. That exit was just next to the grand entrance with its Christmas light display. If he could make it in time then he might find the Poles before they got a taxi into town.

He sped by tour groups, sports teams and all manner of other types of tourist on his way to the exit.

Ed couldn’t help but think about what Poo Shanks would do and say to him if the Polish elves turned up without an escort. It would not be a good look for the corporation or for either of them. He remembered last week when he had spilled some coffee on some documents and accidentally given one that had a small stain on the side to Shanks. The multihour yelling at had not been pleasant.

Ed got through the exit in record time and looked around.

Nothing. There were old people, honeymooners and children, but the elves he wanted were not out here.

Ed ran down the taxi rink looking in the cabs. If he couldn’t find the Poles before they set out then he was going to be in massive trouble.

He came to the end just as a large mini-van pulled out.

STOP!

The Poles were inside laughing and chatting away.

The driver looked back at him as he pulled out and gave him the ‘too full’ sign.

Ed raced down the road after the taxi. He just wasn’t fast enough. The van sped off down the snow lined road and disappeared onto the ramp up to the 67th Santa Highway.

You need a lift?

An elf on a motorcycle with the words ‘fast taxi’ on the side pulled up beside him.

Ed jumped up behind the elf and the chase was on.

The caught up to the van as it pulled off the highway.

Oh, shit!

The van was going towards the red light district. Elf whores, reindeer strippers and even a few humans (if you liked that kind of thing) were plentiful in that area. The Poles were dumping work to go play. Ed would be fired if they turned up to the meeting after going to a place like this.

He looked down at his watch. Only 2 hours left. He was in real trouble.

*****

‘The Pink Titty Twister’. Ed watched as the Poles went inside. This was the filthiest establishment in all of the North Pole cities. They had all the races and a few other things from other worlds that Ed had no idea why anyone would want to look at.

The poster outside said ‘Angel Night’. Ed noted that someone had done a poor job of photoshopping wings onto a passable looking elf female.

I need to get in, Ed proclaimed pulling out his Santa’s Worker Badge.

The human on the door laughed.

So does everyone else, shrimp.

He pointed at the sign.

No underage entrance. You’re badge says you are only 120 years old. 121 is the lower limit.

Ed squinted at the sign. It did say 121.

He growled. Was being 1 year to young going to stop him from keeping his promotion.

Ed pulled out a half dozen bills.

Come on. Look. I have money.

The human eyed the money and then took a few notes.

I’m still not letting you in.

Eh? But you just…

The human clenched his fists. Ed realized that it was time to go before the human decided to crush him with his huge body – humans were prone to that he heard.

I’ll be back.

The human laughed and shooed him off.

Ed walked down the road a little. When he had been very young – only 50 years old – he had snuck into this very same strip joint. He wondered if it wasn’t time to reenact that daring entrance.

Walking down the alleyway just beside a pawn store that was next to the strip joint, he found the small window that he had used last time to get in.

This was going to be tricky. The window was 2 meters up the wall and Ed wasn’t the tallest of Elves. He wouldn’t be able to get up to the window by just reaching. He was going to have to balance on some of the debris in the alleyway if he wanted to get up top.

Ed stacked a few small steel trash cans that the club used to dispose of bottles on top of each other.

That should do it, he said to himself in pride at his careful balancing work.

He climbed up to the top carefully. The bins were wobbling about like crazy and he was having a very hard time balancing.

Ed got about half way when the bins toppled down. Glass smashed and the top bin fell to the ground in a shower of broken glass.

There was the sound of running footsteps from the other end of the alleyway Ed quickly righted the bins and ducked behind them into a pile of trash.

The human bouncer from the door stalked into the alley.

Ed held his breath. He was already imagining what those big arms could do to him.

Coming to a halt in front of Ed, the human picked up the broken bottle from the ground.

A dog barked nearby.

Must have been one of those damn mutts again.

Ed breathed a sigh of relief as the human walked back to the front of the alley and left. He wouldn’t have any second chances at this.

Putting the bin back on top, he started to climb once more. This time he made it to the top and was able to get his hands up to the window sill.

Ed pushed on the window and opened easily. It was probably too high for the elf staff to get at inside, so they didn’t bother to check