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    The Book of Bieb
    The Book of Bieb
    The Book of Bieb
    Ebook50 pages39 minutes

    The Book of Bieb

    By David Javerbaum and God

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    About this ebook

    A new book of the Bible devoted to the unholy life and times of Justin Bieber, penned by the Bieb's #1 fan and popular Twitter personality, @TheTweetOfGod.

    It has been nearly 2,000 years since anyone has written a new book of the Bible. Now @TheTweetOfGod, the Twitter account belong to the Lord thy God King of the Universe, ends that literary dry spell with The Book of Bieb, which tells in chapter-and-verse format the story of the rise and fall of Justin Bieber, the only begotten Son of God.

    This eGoodBook original also includes an excerpt from God's memoir, The Last Testament.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherSimon & Schuster
    Release dateMar 17, 2014
    ISBN9781476786537
    The Book of Bieb
    Author

    David Javerbaum

    David Javerbaum is a former head writer and executive producer of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He is the coauthor of that show’s bestsellers, America: The Book and Earth: The Book, and author of the pregnancy parody What to Expect When You’re Expected.

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      Book preview

      The Book of Bieb - David Javerbaum

      THE BOOK OF BIEB

      ALSO BY GOD (WITH DAVID JAVERBAUM)

      The Last Testament

      America (The Book): A Citizen’s Guide to Democracy Inaction

      The Old Testament

      Earth (The Book): A Visitor’s Guide to the Human Race

      The New Testament

      What to Expect When You’re Expected: A Fetus’s Guide to the First Three Trimesters

      The Koran

      Let’s Go! USA 1992 (assistant editor)

      Title Image

      CONTENTS

      CHAPTER 1

      CHAPTER 2

      CHAPTER 3

      CHAPTER 4

      CHAPTER 5

      CHAPTER 6

      CHAPTER 7

      CHAPTER 8

      CHAPTER 9

      CHAPTER 10

      EXCERPT: THE LAST TESTAMENT

      CHAPTER 1 (THE ADORATION OF THE RAP GUY)

      ¹ In the beginning was Bieb, and the Bieb was with God, and the Bieb was God.

      ² By Bieb was he known; and also the Blessed Bieb, Bieb in the Woods, Bieb in Toyland, and Bieb: Pig in the City.

      ³ He was the only begotten Son (at the time) of the Father, Jeremy Jack Bieber, whose skin bore many motley scars of mall-drawn stigmata.

      ⁴ Yet the skin of the Son (at the time) was devoid of all markings; for he was the Word made flesh: lithe, hairless, twink-y flesh.

      ⁵ Now there was an agent of God, i.e., a Jew, whose name was Braun, Braun the Rappist; an exile from the tribe of the Sosodef.

      ⁶ He was not Bieb; indeed he had little talent at all; he was an overgrown schoolboy named for a children’s vehicle (bit.ly/1fue6y4).

      ⁷ But he had by Providence clicked upon a vision of Bieb performing his first miracle: turning Ne-Yo into white music (bit.ly/M7LWkS).

      ⁸ And whilst beholding the vision Braun the Rappist was overcome, and drooled into his coffers, the profit-seeking prophet speaking:

      ⁹ "Lo, I come to usher in a new age, and age out the old Usher; for an angel have I seen, a child of the land of moose, maple, and Poutine.

      ¹⁰ The LORD has favored him with comely pipes, and flaxen tresses, and dimple-ponds recessed in cheeks smoother than vintage Sam Cooke.

      ¹¹ So I say, prepare ye the way of the Bieb; for he will be one the straps of whose Reeboks I will be unworthy to de-Velcro.

      ¹² And his followers will be as numerous as the grains of sand in the ocean, and equally responsive to reason.

      ¹³ And his words will resonate inside a million Peaveys; and his unblemished visage will appear in a thousand Proactiv ads.

      ¹⁴ And like a dove he will tweet messages of peace and upcoming concert events, until he makes the whole world a tweendom of heaven.

      ¹⁵ He was sent down

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