Fearing Regret

CHAPTER 1

If I had to deal with one more jerk in my life, I was going to lose it. My soon to be ex- boyfriend had just stood me up again. Please, if you know the answer, tell me why it is that girls always fall for the biggest loser in the group? Yeah, I don't know that either. The only thing I knew at the time was I needed to call my best friend, so that’s exactly what I did. Oh, and by the way, my name is Katherine but everybody calls me Kate.

Hello? Kara, can you hear me? I need you. What are you doing and why's there all that noise?

I could hear she was out already. I just needed her to tell me where and I was on my way.

Kate! What's up, girly? I can barely hear you. Hold on a second until I can get somewhere that I can hear you better. Damn this place is crazy tonight.

She was screaming into the phone, forcing me to hold my arm way out so she didn't blow my eardrum.

Kara, quit screaming. Just tell me where you're at.

Kate, why aren't you out with Jarrett?

That asshole didn't show up again! I'm dressed, ready to go and have been for two hours now. I'm done Kara!

You should've been done a long ass time ago. He was never good enough for you. Quit settling!

I don't need to hear this. I need a drink. Where are you?

I don't know the name. Chad and the guys come here a lot, I just rode along. Hold on, let me ask somebody.

I could hear her even after she pulled the phone away from her ear. She had to be in the bathroom because everything she said echoed.

It’s called Bar 51. It’s not actually bad either. I don't know why we’ve never been here before.

At this point I wouldn't care if it was a total dive. I need a drink. Hell, I needed one an hour ago. I'm on my way.

Do you need directions? I could get them from one of the guys?

I have navigation on my phone. I'll be good. See you in a few. Love you, girl.

All right, love you too. Oh, we're in the front, right next to the bar as you walk in.

I'll find you. Just have one ready for me. Actually, have a bucket. It’s going to be one of those nights.

That's what I'm talking about!

I hung up the phone and grabbed my purse. As I walked out of my house and got in my car, I thought to myself: how is it that I can run one of the most re-noun charities for under privileged children in the country, yet I can't even manage my own personal life? I put the car in reverse and was almost out of my driveway, when I saw Jarrett's car coming down the street. I paused for a second, thinking maybe I should get an explanation for the two hour delay and then decided against it. He didn't even deserve my attention. I was done and that was that. I pulled out onto the road and drove off.

He started calling when he saw me drive away and I ignored it completely. He even had the nerve to follow me for a while, but eventually he gave up. Thank God for small favors. Ten minutes later, I pulled into the parking lot of Bar 51. Kara was right. The place was packed.

I parked my car but when I walked around the building and saw the line to get in, it stopped me in my tracks. There had to be at least fifty people waiting. I walked to the end of the line and waited for about fifteen minutes before Kara was calling.

Where are you?

She sounded drunk already. I couldn't have been more jealous.

I'm in line still. This place is insane. Are they giving away something at the door?

At the door? What are you talking about?

I'm just trying to figure out why there are so many people here. It's just a bar.

I don't know, but it’s packed in here too. Do you want me to help out? The bouncer looks like he could be persuaded.

Kara, don't you dare! I will see you soon enough. Just have those drinks ready.

You’re no fun, but I will. See ya in a bit.

It took another twenty five minutes for me to get through the door and then five more to find my friends. When my eyes finally locked on their table, Kara was getting up and running to jump in my arms.

You’re finally here!! Come on over. Your drinks are waiting.

She grabbed my hand and pulled me back over with her. Chad, Kara's husband, was across the table with a goofy grin on his face. Somebody else had too many already. Next to him sat Ryan and Chris. We had all been friends since college.

Hey guys! What's up?

I have known Kara my whole life practically. She and I met in kindergarten. Both of us came from families that were not struggling in the least, let’s put it that way. Our parents both made the choice that mainstreaming us was a good idea. Fortunately for us, our parents didn't listen to their bratty little girls, crying that they wanted to go to the elite private schools. They forced us to attend public like everyone else, giving us the chance to meet. As an adult now, I couldn't be more grateful. Whether I have money or not doesn't make me. Believe me, if it brought happiness like so many think, my life would be a hell of a lot different. Kara and I decided our senior year that we would go away to school and try to find our true selves along the way. What she found was Chad. I found more exes to add to my list. And believe me, it’s long.

Chad came along our sophomore year at Yale. We may have gone to public grade school, but there was no way either set of our parents would send us off to anything less than the best as far as college went.

I looked at Chad, leaned across the table so he could hear me and said, "What’s got you smiling so big?

Kate, I'm just so happy you left that asshole and are out with us again. I’ve missed you.

I walked around the table and threw my arms around him.

I missed you too. Jarrett actually drove up as I was leaving. Can you believe he would still show up after two hours, with no form of communication whatsoever? I texted him, called him, I even left voice mails and still got nothing. Then he thinks he can just come any time and all is forgiven. Piece of shit!

I grabbed a beer and slammed it. I started to look around at the crowd and realized how crazy it was that I grew up here and never had heard of this place. Just then Chad said, Kate, you let them all walk all over you. When are you going to see that you always pick the same guy, they just look different on the outside?

He was right and I knew it. I had a fantastic example to go off of with my parents and yet I couldn't find a decent man to save my life. I would have to trip over him and even then I would probably just say sorry and head for the asshole laughing at me.

You're right. I think staying single for a while would be the best thing for me.

Chris leaned over so he could join the conversation and said, Kate you are fantastic in every way. You could have any man you want. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and just have fun. Let me order you a shot of something. What would you like?

I wanted to smack him for being so harsh, but he and I both knew what he was saying was true. I did need to stop the pity party and have fun.

Goldschlager, please.

Kara came back from who knows where and said, Make that two. Kate and I are going to have some fun tonight!

I looked at her and just loved how much confidence she had. Kara was on the shorter side for a girl. She was only five foot two, but she would tell you it’s not the size that counts. Her hair was cut in an asymmetrical bob so one side of her head was damn near shaved. It was also as red as a tomato, but she could pull off anything. Her fierce green eyes could mesmerize anyone. She has always dressed ahead of the trends, but her spunk allows her to get away with murder. Everyone loved Kara.

Me, on the other hand, I was not so bold. I consider myself pretty boring actually. I’m five foot six with long brown hair and blue eyes. I wear a size five, so I'm not too skinny, but I am far from fat. It’s funny sometimes to me how we don't see in the mirror what everybody else does when they look at us. My whole life I have heard that I was stunning, naturally beautiful, blah blah blah! I see not exciting. I do what everyone else does. I dress how everyone else dresses. I fit in.

I looked up just as Chad brought over the shots for us. Kara and I each grabbed them, tapped our glasses together in cheers and then downed the contents. It burned, but I knew instantly that it was just what I needed.

Do you want to do another one?

Chad answered before Kara ever had a chance.

I think you need one, but Kara is already on her way to puking. Let her pace herself a little. Chad looked over to Kara and said, Baby, why don’t you go grab it for Kate?

Kara was definitely drunk. She just smiled at him and walked back over to the bar. The shot we had just taken was kicking in, on top of the beer I was consuming at lightning speed. It certainly didn't help that I never did get to eat any dinner.

Kara came back with two shots in hand.

I thought you were going to slow down for a little bit?

Oh I am. These are both for you. Time to play catch up.

She placed them in front of me with a wicked grin on her face.

What did you do? What's in these?

Don't be a wimp. Just drink up!

I slammed one right after the other and then I almost threw up. Yuck!!!

What in the hell did you give her Kara?

Ryan looked pissed. He always was overprotective of me.

Calm your ass down, Ryan. She needs to loosen up. I just helped her get there a little quicker.

I got up from the chair I had been sitting in to walk over to where the guys were. Just as I put my arms around the shoulders of Chris and Ryan, I heard Kara gasp. My head immediately followed her line of vision and there was Jarrett. He was searching the room frantic enough that I knew he was looking for me. My stomach dropped out. Now that I had some liquid courage, I knew I should go over to him and tell him what a piece he turned out to be, but I felt it better to let him find me.

Ryan looked around trying to see what had suddenly caught our attention and then grabbed me, pulling me onto his lap.

I was so surprised by Ryan that I forgot all about Jarrett until he walked up to us, staring directly at me.

Kate. May I have a word with you?

No, you may not. You can go right back to whatever caused you to be two hours late to begin with.

Kate, stop acting childish and let’s go.

Chad and Chris stood up at the same time. I could feel Ryan's legs contract like he would have also, if I weren't sitting on his lap. That didn't stop him from speaking up though.

I think you need to turn around and walk back out the way you came in, Jarrett. Kate isn't going anywhere with you.

Jarrett looked directly at me and said, I'm giving you one more chance and then I'm out of here.

I couldn't believe what he was saying. Give me one more chance? Had he lost his mind?

I don't want another chance. I don't want anything from you, ever again. Thanks for coming. Hopefully I don't see you later.

Chad and Chris stood a little taller, intimidating the hell out of Jarrett. Not that he was a small man; he had nothing on the size of my friends. At that moment, veins were sticking out of Chad’s neck. He looked like he was going to pounce. Jarrett gave me one last look and then turned and walked away. Ryan still kept his hold on me. I attempted to get up, but he pulled me back down.

Ryan, he's gone. You can let me go now.

No, I can't. I don't trust that you won't go after him or that he isn't waiting somewhere for you to be alone. Just stay. I’m enjoying having you here anyway.

Kara came over and said, Ryan, she will be fine. I just saw him go out the door. Let her go.

Ryan let me up, but when I turned, I saw something in his expression that confused me. Maybe in a sober state I would be able to figure it out, but I knew there wasn't a chance at that moment. Kara grabbed my hand and pulled me behind her.

Where are you taking me?

We’re dancing! Just like old times. Remember how much fun we used to have back in college? Things aren't that much different, Kate. We're older not old. Have some fun.

I knew she was right. We used to party until the next morning and not have a care in the world. Now my job and my life had become so serious. I think maybe I did forget to throw some fun in the mix.

We walked out on the dance floor and immediately we were surrounded by guys. It felt great to just let loose and not think for a change. I'm pretty sure we were out there for a couple hours, only taking breaks to go the bathroom or grab another drink. Chad, Chris and Ryan even joined at one point. All five of us were having a blast and it felt great. When the bar closed, I had no choice but to call a cab. I was way too drunk to be driving. Ryan demanded he share one with me in case Jarrett was waiting at my house when I got home. I repeatedly told all of them that he may be a douchebag but he wasn't going to hurt me. Not one of them cared to hear what I was saying. Taking care of me was their priority and I couldn't be more grateful for friends like them. We all said our goodbyes and then Ryan and I got into our cab.

I’m glad you came out tonight, it even looked like you were having fun.

He always loved to give me shit but something about the way he was looking at me was different. Ryan had always had looks on his side. He had blond short hair, a chiseled jaw which never lacked a five o'clock shadow and a mouth that would make every girls heart skip a beat. His eyes were a lot like mine, an icy blue color. His body was in great shape, but so were all the guys. Health and fitness was one of their main focuses. He graduated in the top of our class from Yale. He could have had any job he wanted, but he chose to stay true to his word. The three boys all agreed that together they would open a chiropractic office. Chad was going to be wherever Kara wanted to be, which was home. So that's how we all ended up still being together after all this time.

I never thought about any of the guys past friendship. Friends are irreplaceable and relationships just screw that up. Kara and Chad are an exception to the rule. With Ryan, he had never come right out and said anything, but every now and then I would get a feeling he would want more if I was on board. The way he was looking at me was telling me so.

I had a great time out with you guys again. I didn't realize it, but I kind of sheltered myself when I was with Jarrett. I'm sorry if I neglected my friends in the process. You included.

You don’t need to apologize to me pretty girl. I’m always going to be here for you when you need me. Just promise to try harder to not do it again.

He was looking straight into my eyes when he grabbed my hand and kissed it. I knew at that moment, if I wanted something with Ryan, now would be the time to act. But I didn't. I wasn’t willing to lose him when things failed.

You didn't have to come with me you know. Jarrett won't be there.

I really don't think he would be stupid enough to be there either. I just wanted to make sure you got home safe.

Just as that was said, the cab driver pulled down my street. I looked out the window and could see my house. No one was waiting, just as I had suspected. We pulled into the driveway and I grabbed my purse to get money out when Ryan stopped me and said, I got it covered. Don't you even look at me like that either, you know better than to think I would let you pay for a thing.

I have my own money you know.

Yes, I know you have plenty, but when you're with me, you will be taken care of. End of discussion. Now get out so the meter can stop running.

I looked at him and smiled. He knew just what to say to push my buttons.

Next time you won't get out of this conversation so easily, Ryan Eaton.

I leaned over, brushed a kiss on his cheek and got out of the cab. They stayed in the driveway; I am sure due to Ryan's persistence, helping me see the buttons for the garage code more clearly. When the door began to open, I looked over my shoulder and blew Ryan a kiss goodbye.

My phone chimed two seconds later with a text from Ryan.

Ryan: U LOOKED PHENOMENAL 2NITE! IT WAS GREAT TO SEE U AGAIN. DON'T BE A STRANGER.

I smiled and then thought, oh shit! This was the last thing I needed. I didn’t want to encourage myself or him. So I responded with simply,

Me: THANKS. I PROMISED DIDN'T I?

After I hit send, I went inside and threw my stuff down on the kitchen counter. I grabbed some aspirin and a glass of water. Anything I could do to beat the hangover that I knew was coming tomorrow would be done. I made sure I had my phone and walked straight to my bedroom. Just as I was climbing into bed, my phone chimed again. I grabbed it off my nightstand, ready to tell Ryan I was passing out and I would talk to him later, when I saw a text from Jarrett.

Jarrett: I WANT TO STILL HAVE THAT TALK. I WILL BE BY TOMORROW.

Crap! He was the last thing I wanted to deal with.

Me: DON'T BOTHER ITS DONE BETWEEN US. I WONT BE HERE ANYWAY.

Jarrett: NOTHING IS DONE UNTIL I SAY IT IS.

Can any of you kill me now for being so stupid as to get into a relationship with him to begin with?

CHAPTER 2

The next morning, I woke up instantly thinking about the text I got from Jarrett. I never responded, but something told me he would come by today regardless, which meant I needed to get out of my house. I had no intention of sticking around to hear anything he had to say.

I got up and showered, feeling the need to get all, and I mean all of the bar smell off my body and out of my hair. Being that it was Saturday, I allowed myself to sleep in, but I wouldn't do the same for the whole day.

When I got out to my garage, I realized my car wasn't there. Thank God my brother talked me into buying an SUV with four wheel drive for the snow we get in the winter or I would be trapped. After I turned the key, I realized I hadn't put one thought into where I was going to go. I pulled out my phone and called my parents. Unfortunately, they were at the country club and I had no desire to go there today. Next, I tried my brother. Luckily he was home and told me to come on over.

For the first time in my life, I was nervous backing out onto the street. I prayed Jarrett wouldn't be waiting and luck was on my side, because there was no sign of him. Thank God! It didn’t take long to get to my brother's house, being we lived in the same subdivision, just on opposite ends.

I pulled into his driveway and went through the garage, helping myself inside his home. Hopefully he wasn't doing anything I didn’t want to see.

I called out for him several times before I saw him coming out of the media room.

Sorry Kate, I didn't hear you come in. What's up?

How could you hear anything when you watch movies that loud?

Not you too, Mom is bad enough. Anyway, what brings you over?

Can't I hang with my little brother for the day without needing a reason?

Sure you can. It’s not like you, but I love the idea. Well except for the fact that I'm leaving in a little bit.

Ash, where are you going and why wouldn't you have told me that before I came over?

I gave him a smug look and then went to his fridge for a drink.

I'm not leaving for a while. I still need to shower and get ready.

So I'm supposed to just sit here while you get ready? That is not what I had in mind.

Believe me. I'm meeting all of Sadie's friends at a graduation party. I would rather be in your place. Speaking of your place, why don't you want to be there?

No reason.

Bullshit. This is so out of character for you.

I looked away for a brief second. I just wanted to compose myself but Ash knew me too well.

What's going on, Kate?

I could no longer hide what I was feeling.

Jarrett and I broke up last night.

And?

And I kind of pissed him off.

I hardly believe this was your fault. You put up with way too much. So please explain to me how you upset him?

I looked away again. This was so embarrassing. Still staring at the floor I said, He was two hours late to pick me up, so I left.

Good for you.

As he was pulling down my street.

Great for you!

I wish I could see as clearly in the relationship as I do out of it.

Ash walked over to me and wrapped me in his arms.

Don't we all.

I let him hug me a little longer before I broke away and offered to cook him lunch. Anything to keep me busy and away from my house would work.

What do you plan on making? It has to be quick. Like I said, Sadie is taking me to meet her friends.

Speaking of Sadie, you really like this one don't you?

He looked straight in my eyes and said, I have never met anyone like her. She's just different.

Good for you. You finally met a normal girl.

Oh, she is far from normal. So far from normal, that I can't stop thinking about her.

You do realize you sound like a love sick puppy. Yuck!

Kiss my ass. I do not. You just wish you were me.

Uh, no I don't. I have no desire to hook up with her no matter how special or different she is.

He bumped in to me as he passed by on his way to the fridge, laughing out loud. Don't worry. I've already told her I'm not sharing with anybody. She's all mine once she is mine.

That threw me. What do you mean once she is? Are you not together?

This time it was Ash's turn to look away and I gave him his time. We have all been there; when we don't know what information we want to give away. He finally looked back up at me and said, She has this thing with another guy. I don't really know what is going on with them anymore, but I know what I want. She needs to decide if it’s me she wants before we move forward.

I took a step back. My little brother seemed to have more sense than me at the moment.

Ash, that is so good to hear. I mean, it’s not good that she doesn't know what she is getting with you, but it’s great that you respect yourself enough to not take what's left over.

It’s not like that, even though I know that is exactly how I said it is. I don't want you to get the wrong idea of her. The last thing I want is for that to happen because I made her sound bad. She is amazing, Kate. She is worth waiting a lifetime for. And I will wait, because I know in the end that I will have her.

His confidence struck a chord with me. If my little brother could stand that strong then so could I. Jarrett can kiss my ass.

I believe you. She just better not take too long. With this new side of you, I know plenty of girls who would love a chance to have a man like you. Hell, I would do anything to find one man that is as good as you.

Ash walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me again.

It will happen for you, girl. I know it will. You just need to stop wasting your time with all the douchebags and make space for a good one to come along.

I pulled back from his hug and smiled at him, knowing he was right. I needed to change the subject, because quite frankly I was sick of the whole 'woe is me' conversation.

Enough already. What do you want to eat, I'm starving.

I don't care. Whatever it is, it has to be quick. Sadie will be here soon and I have to get ready.

Sandwiches it is then.

I went to work, getting everything out and piling it on. We both grew up with an Italian mother that loves to cook. There were no skimpy sandwiches or anything else for that matter in our upbringing.

When I finished Ash's, I slid the plate across the counter to him and went back to making my own. His first bite let me know I had done it just the way our mother would have. His second moan had me laughing.

Ash, it is a sandwich not sex. I don't need to picture what you sound like during it while I'm eating.

He about spit his food out he was laughing so hard.

It’s about as good as an orgasm and truthfully it’s been so long since I've had one, this sandwich might just get me there.

Asher!!! Way too much information. Way, way, too much! I am your sister for God’s sake and I think I might have just lost my appetite.

Good. Then slide that baby on down too. Nothing like getting my fill, if you know what I mean?

I'm done! Here. I slid my plate to him. Have it, you disgusting pig.

He laughed harder than I have seen him in a long time while I pouted like a little kid would.

He pushed the plate back to me saying I'm full or I would eat that too. I need to go jump in the shower anyway, so eat in peace. I’ll be back to give you more shit in a minute.

He pushed himself off the counter and turned to walk away. I love my brother something fierce, but God he can be so disgusting at times.

I picked the sandwich up and after taking a bite, I found myself making the same noise he had. Ewww! That is just plain gross. But God was the sandwich so good.

After I finished eating, I started to clean up. Everything was put away and I was just finishing wiping down the counter tops when I heard the doorbell. I wasn't sure if I should answer it or not, so I stayed in the kitchen, pretending to still be cleaning. It rang again. Surely Ash heard it this time. The counters have never been so clean by the time I heard him answer the door. I walked closer, but not to where they could see me. I wanted to know what the fuss was all about with this girl. When I saw her, it all made sense. I noticed Ash's demeanor change the second the door opened. She was adorable. Short, petite and cute as a button. Her long hair finished it off because it was so thick and laid perfectly down her back. She was nothing like my brother's usual type. They made for a perfect couple.

I listened closer and heard them talking back and forth about the fact Ash answered the door still naked and wrapped in a towel. Leave it to my brother to do something so crass. Nothing was funnier than when I walked up introducing myself though. Her face was priceless. It turned the most awkward shade of red, that it almost looked purple.

It’s nice to put a face to the name I have been hearing so much about lately. You're very pretty. And she was. The more I looked at her the more beautiful she became. Her embarrassment only got worse as Ash teased her about the towel he was wearing. Sadie had made a comment about what she would do to him and he just ran with it. This girl had a lot to learn about my brother if this has got her all upset.

Ash, shut up!

Yep, she was never going to last. I felt I needed to help her as best I could, so I just said, It’s okay Sadie, I heard you too. You guys go have fun today and I will call you later Ash.

Is that when you want the details? He just couldn't help but humiliate her and I could do nothing to ease her pain. The only thing I could think of was to say, It's fine, he's my little brother, I’m used to it. See ya later. Sadie, it was very nice meeting you.

I looked back at my brother giving him a warning look. He was in for it and sure enough, as soon as I closed the front door on my way out, I heard her scream, Are you fucking kidding me?

I laughed under my breath as I got in my car. I don't see it lasting for them, which is too bad. They could be great together. I started the car and backed out of his driveway before the thought even hit me, now where the hell do I go?

I called Kara to see what they were up to but of course they had plans. My office was the last place I wanted to be on my day off but I refused to go home yet. This is pathetic, I said to myself.

Why do I drop everyone when a man comes into my life? Normally Jarrett and I would be doing something together, not me going to sit at a desk looking over more paperwork. I drove there in a daze wondering what was next for me. I had been so desperate to find a man that would be perfect for me that I was making them up in my head. Never had Jarrett had any of the qualities that I dreamed of in a man.

Coming out of my own pity party, I looked up and found that I had already reached my work parking lot. Never in a million years would I have thought he would be here.

Shit! I said, once again to myself.

I parked and got out of my car reluctantly. There he was, standing against the door of my building, dressed clad in his standard jeans and button down shirt. I walked over hesitantly but was forced to hold eye contact once it was made.

When my feet made their final move, I found myself in front of him. He spoke first which only made things more awful.

I thought you might come here. Why didn't you call me?

What words could I use to get out of this situation? To hell if I know either. So this came out of my mouth.

Ryan, how did you know?

Well, let’s see, I know you probably heard from him last night. I also know that if you did, then you bolted out of bed and left before you had to face a confrontation with him. Since I talked to Chad earlier and he said you were wanting to hang out with Kara again today but I knew she was busy, I figured you would come here. Oh, and I was right. Does that answer your question?

I had no choice but to laugh. I was just called out on how pathetic I am. If you can't find humor in yourself then you’re just screwed.

I'm that readable, huh? Well thanks for pointing out all my faults. What are you doing here is the one thing you left out?

I'm here for you. Time to go have some fun, don't you think?

What can you say to a great friend that has your back when you need it the most other than, What do you have planned?

Ryan looked me over and then said, Let’s go find some trouble to get into.

No, no and no again, Ryan Eaton. I'm not doing that again. You got me in so much trouble last time I had to get my dad to help me out of the charges.

Come on, sissy. We won't get caught this time. You just can't scream again and we will be fine.

Ryan seemed to think it’s funny to set all the car alarms off at the same time in parking lots. I have to admit it was fun running to each car as fast as we could and lifting the handle. And of course it was the parking lot of the country club my parents are members of. It was like being ten years old again.

Come on, Kate. We need to get your head out of the mess it’s in. Live a little.

Ryan, I'm all for living. I just don't look forward to getting arrested again if that's okay.

He looked at me with a smirk and said, I have another idea. Now get in my car. You can leave yours here.

I never knew what Ryan could conjure up from one minute to the next, but I didn't want to sit in my office all day either. So, reluctantly I went along with his plan.

After we got in his car and started driving away, Ryan grabbed my hand and put it in his. He didn't even glance in my direction, like it was so natural of an action to do. For some reason, I felt things shifting between us and I wasn't sure