Being Human

PART ONE: BROTHERS

IT IS SAID VAMPIRES forget their human lives. As soon as they are turned, the memories start fading. One theory is that it’s because of need. The need to sate the hunger and thirst overtakes their senses. It consumes their thoughts and washes every little bit of human away until they no longer remember their human life. Another theory is that their mind changes too much. They no longer know how to think, move, talk, or feel like a human. The final theory is simply that they let it go. They aren’t human anymore so what’s the point of remembering?

Maybe it’s a combination of the three.

What I do know is that vampires forget being human. I can vouch for that because I forgot being human. Can’t even remember the biggest details. Did I get along with my parents or was I a bad seed? Was I good in school? Did I enjoy sports? Did I have lots of friends? Or maybe even a girlfriend?

I don’t know any more or care. Why should I? That human life is behind me, forgotten with the first taste of blood.

Guess the first theory is accurate. Wake up in the evening with thirst burning in my throat, and by dawn it’s still there, simmering in my stomach. Sometimes I feel like a junkie, always looking for my next hit, my next meal—a victim according to humans.

There are some things from my human life that matter a lot. Events, places, and one human, in particular, I can’t forget. I know these things because they happened after I was turned.

The first thing that came to me, when I woke in a small clearing in the woods, was the darkness. It was dark, but at the same time...not. I could see everything; every tin detail was clear as if a light illuminated it. I stumbled around the small clearing, disoriented as the world bombarded me with sensations.

A gentle breeze howled in my ears and felt like talons ripping across my cheeks. The world beneath me felt unstable, as if it slowly rotated. When I reached to touch the ground, the grass beneath my fingers felt uneven and sharp, biting into my skin. I jerked my hand away, drawing a breath. The smells hit me like a hammer. Dirt, grass, rocks, trees, air, and animals that were no longer there. Hundreds of scents hung in the air; my nose twitched as it took every scent in and my mind distinguished everything.

As I stood in this familiar—yet alien world—I felt memories start to fade into nothing. What had happened in the clearing was the first memory to start slipping away. I didn’t try to hold onto it. It must have been a dream, I told myself. That couldn’t have happened to me! I needed to get home before I was grounded.

Maybe I had been a bad seed.

The journey home felt like it took forever, but in reality, took a matter of minutes. I stopped often. First, because my new sight had me stumbling, but as I grew accustomed to it, my stops became ones of confusion. Where was I going? The answer was home, but I grasped at the reasons why. Did I need something there? A drink? Could it be that simple? After all, my throat burned as I had swallowed a mouthful of hot coals. A need to quench that fire burned in my mind and drove me forward.

When I reached home, only a sliver of human denial persisted. It’s a bad dream. Get a glass of water and go to bed, it whispered. But a much more insistent part of me screamed, Get inside and satisfy your thirst.

Welcomed home, my parents fussed over me. My mother sighed I needed to get to bed, and my father scowled and scolded me for being irresponsible. Why had I disappeared without telling them where I was going? Didn’t I know vampires were waiting in the shadows to feed on the unsuspecting?

Humans knew that vampires existed. It had been an accident, an unintentional slip on the old vampire’s part. Tired of living, she sat outside to wait for the sun. The rays washed over her, and her body burst into flame while a tourist bus witnessed the event. The tourist company called the news stations. A few reporters investigated and found all that remained of the vampire—a pile of ashes. The ashes were sent to some scientists for testing, who discovered the ashes used to be human, but there was something not quite right—not quite human—about them. Then, a video taken by one of the tourists surfaced on the Internet then national news, and then it became open season on vampires.

After that, any vampire caught was bound and left to greet the morning sun. Or set on fire. Anything to make the vampire burn until nothing remained but a pile of ash. Scientists gathered the ashes to study and figure out how to best destroy a vampire. It was, of course, an approved genocide. Who would protest the killing of a creature so evil?

Now comes the part in the story where I’m expected to say everything turned out okay. My family was horrified I had been turned but accepted me as a vampire and we hid it well.

That’s not what happened. What happened was I hid in my room, huddled in the corner, as the overwhelming vampire instinct washed away the last remnants of my human life. Only one thought remained and that thought consumed me: Hunger. It devoured everything else and dominated my mind with its heat. It drove me out of my room and into the dark hallway. Rhythms echoed in my ears, sounding like a drum set that beat just for me. Maybe the rhythm was instinct, telling me what to do and where to go. At the time, all that mattered was the ravenous hunger consuming me. I knew exactly what would quench it.

When I opened the door to the room that contained the loudest rhythms, it didn’t make a sound.

The next few moments were the best of my new vampire life. Blood and heat, life slipping into death, all flowing into me like a river I couldn’t get enough of. I wasn’t aware of who I was feeding on, only that I was quenching the hunger and need. It was the most blissful thing I could do. No longer did I care about the humans who had been my parents. They meant only one thing to me now: sustenance.

My fangs deep in my mom’s neck, something came to me. A warm hand touched my shoulder and a rhythm behind beckoned to me. I abandoned the dead human in my arms; she fell away to the beige carpet next to the other lifeless human. Both were already forgotten as I turned to face the human behind me.

The rhythm halted and the noises stopped. Not a single creak or chirp was heard. Every breath stopped as the world paused.

He looked just like me!

I wasn’t sure how I knew that. The human memory of what I looked like had faded away, but I felt deep down, where my heart lay, I looked like him. Dark brown hair, fair skin, rosy cheeks, and eyes as blue as the sky. He was skinny too, sinewy and lanky. His voice would be mine as well; we were identical. Or used to be.

He looked like a healthy human boy and I knew that I didn’t. My skin had to be pale with a permanent sheen of death on it. Where my eyes that blue?

A tormented look shone in his blue eyes. His fingers grazed my cheek like he was afraid I wasn’t real. Then he whispered one word, and everything changed.

My brother said my name.

A weight slammed into me, crushing me with ugly realization. The humans behind me were more than blood. They were my parents and I had murdered them. The thought ripped through me like a tornado. My eyes twitched and my throat tightened like I was going to cry. Tears never came. My eyes stayed dry as I whispered, Danny, what have I done?

It’s okay, he said, instead of answering. He knelt in front of me. His eyes locked with mine and he placed his hands on my shoulders. It’s okay, he said my name again. You’re going to be okay. Just relax.

How? I asked unable to grasp the concept of relaxing. Every emotion felt foreign, as if they no longer applied to me. My voice must have sounded void of emotions because my brother’s face wavered and I heard whispers of his thoughts.

They say vampires stop caring. Has he already stopped caring about me?

I considered answering his thought but said something else instead. I can’t stay here.

Why not? he asked.

I looked at him, his eyes still locked with mine. Humans should never look into a vampire’s eyes. Thoughts whisper from behind the eyes, telling the vampire what the human is thinking, enabling the vampire to take control of those thoughts, and bend the human’s will.

You can’t be seen with me, I said, but I thought to myself, I’m terrified I’ll kill you. I didn’t want to scare him. He was acting so reserved; his voice didn’t tremble in fear. Any other human would have panicked, started screaming. The smell of their fear would have been like a drug I couldn’t resist.

Maybe my brother knew it was vital to stay calm. He knew that as my twin, I wouldn’t want to kill him, that I couldn’t—which was why I stopped when he touched me. The horror I had felt about murdering my parents was fading. There would be no guilt over their deaths or for any of my victims to come. Human belief is that vampires don’t feel. They say we are cold and emotionless monsters.

That’s a lie.

Love, hate, or sorrow; a vampire still feels them. Our reactions are simply different. Faster and often missed by humans. If I had harmed my brother that night, I would have felt the emotions. Guilt and anger would have torn at me, demanding to know why I had hurt him.

It doesn’t matter, he said. You can’t leave me. We have to stick together.

I shoved him away. My strength sent him flying across the room. He landed against a wooden dresser with a yelp of pain. His cries tore at me, but I didn’t dare turn back. I dove out the window, landing on my feet and sprinted away. Behind me, I heard my brother yell my name, his voice filled with anguish.

I have to leave, I said despite knowing he wouldn’t be able to hear me. Your brother is dead. There’s only me now.

I ended up in the woods outside the town I was certain I had lived in as a human. I wandered among the trees until the sky started to lighten. Then, I dug with my bare hands deep into the ground where it was cool and quiet. I drifted through the day in half-awareness but never really slept. You don’t need to sleep when you’re dead. You only need to lie still and rest.

As the day passed, I wondered. Not about the vampire who turned me—that no longer mattered. Vampires were not like loving parents who stayed by your side to watch over you and made sure you got everything right. No, they bit you and drained you until you started to turn, then they left you to wake alone, confused and to figure stuff out for yourself. I guess vampire instinct was enough to keep any vampire alive.

My mind wondered again and again about my brother. I couldn’t help myself; my thoughts returned to him unbidden. There were no memories other than the ones from the night before. Anything else about him I felt. Love and caring, concern over his well being. I felt connected to him; I didn’t want to leave him. I knew he felt the same for me. I had seen it in his eyes in our parents’ room. Even in death, the twin bond was strong.

When the sun began to set my body vibrated with energy. Eagerly, I dug myself up and shook the dirt off. My first and only thought was to feed. Hunger lay curled like a beast inside me and I remembered how good it felt to feed. Heat had coursed through me as I fed, giving me a surge of energy and power that strengthened me, and made me feel more than alive.

Then I remembered my brother.

Somehow, like I knew who he was when I saw him, I knew he wouldn’t want me to kill. That mattered to me. What he wanted shouldn’t matter, but it did. He was important to me and the urge to not disappoint him gnawed at me.

"I want to feed!" I told the night sky, knowing he wouldn’t hear. I paced back and forth, trying to figure out how to get the blood I needed. No, it wasn’t need fueling me, it was want.

How?

How could I feed and not sadden my brother?

It was impossible. I couldn’t feed without hurting my brother. I slammed my fist into a tree and sent bark flying as the dry wood splintered. With a growl, I shoved the tree, sending it crashing to the ground.

Why do you have to matter? I shouted. Why can’t I forget you like I’ve forgotten everything else? I’m not human! I don’t want to be!

I froze. I already didn’t want to be human? That was how fast vampire instinct worked? Washing everything human away in a matter of hours until there was nothing left but a lethal predator. I couldn’t even grasp the concept I was once human anymore.

I sank to the forest floor, ignoring the urge to hunt and drink blood, and letting the night slip by. Bats flew above, crickets chirped, the stars sparkled, and the moon shone. I ignored everything, lost in thought over the puzzle of my brother and my hunger.

Eventually, I rose. Enough musing and agonizing over my brother. It was time to satisfy myself. No destination or plan in mind, I headed out of the woods and into the town. I knew what I was going to do and how to do it. I was in no rush.

Well, maybe a little rush. With only so many hours in the night, I couldn’t afford to waste too much time. There were more hours during the day, but I would be useless then.

The streets were deserted, all humans inside their homes, so I moved outward, hanging along the roads. Cars sped by and I raced to catch one. Above the drone of the engine, the rhythm of four hearts beat. Tempting, but I wanted to take it easy. I dropped back and away to wait for another car. The next one had a single human in it, one rhythm beating. I picked up my pace, pushing myself to match the speed of the car and jumped.

I landed silently on the roof of the little sedan. The wind whipped around me, wild and chaotic. I paused for a moment, enjoying the feeling. It felt pure. Nothing could corrupt the wind or stop it from moving across the earth—unlike the rhythm beating below me.

Music muffled through the roof. The rhythm of the human’s heart almost kept beat to the tune. Who am I/Who am I that you have brought me/This far, this far/Who am I/That you have brought me /So far. All those years of spoiled complaining/I said it’s not enough/And you have forgiven me for everything/Everything/And you have given me everything/Everything.

The last line stuck in my head—a truth ringing in the words.

I had murdered my parents and thought about killing my brother, and yet, he didn’t hate me. I wasn’t necessarily sure that was right. I didn’t know how humans dealt with family members being turned into vampires. How would I have felt if it had been my brother who was turned and the one to murder our parents?

With no memories to indicate how I should feel, I turned my attention to the human below me. I smashed the passenger side window and the human inside screamed. The car swerved, out of control, and veered into the other lane. Moving quickly, I slid through the shattered window, instinct directing me. My eyes connected with the human’s and I pushed my will against hers. The car slowed to a stop, pulling to the side. The human didn’t move, her eyes locked on me and her thoughts blank from the force of my will. I did not want her thinking about dying. That would only make her struggle.

Maybe it was because my first kill had been my sleeping parents. They hadn’t been conscious so there was no struggle or screaming and that had imprinted on me. Or maybe I liked the idea that if the human submitted to my will and stayed calm, I could enjoy the blood more. Savor the taste instead of struggling to contain a frightened human.

The fear never left her eyes as I moved closer. I thought about reassuring her, saying it that was all right and it would be over quickly. But it felt like it’d be in vain. My words would be a lie. She would disagree that killing her was all right.

I had to say something, though. I felt like my brother would want me to. He’d rather me say I’m sorry or Nothing personal. A small reassurance instead of nothing.

But those words wouldn’t help, my mind reasoned as my lips touched her neck. I should say something though, I argued.

Then it didn’t matter.

It didn’t matter what my brother thought or how scared this human felt. Didn’t matter if a torch-bearing mob surrounded me. My teeth were buried in her neck, the crimson blood pulsing onto my tongue, and flowing down my throat. My want and yearning were satisfied. That was all that mattered as I fell further and further into the rhythm of blood.

I left the dead human in her car on the side of the road. It was fine where it was, where it would be found. That’s how it should be, I mused. Vampires feed on humans and leave the bodies so the humans can bury them.

Why did humans bury their dead?

The question took me back. I should know the answer. I did know the answer when I was human.

It doesn’t matter! I yelled at the world around me.

Why was I talking to nature? I should be in a good mood. I just fed and the human had good blood. What would humans compare it to? What foods were considered a luxurious treat? More answers forgotten.

Why couldn’t I forget my brother?

As if on cue, a faint breeze carried a familiar scent. The scent drifted to me, surrounding me and tickling my nose. I took off in the direction of it, following it like a sailor would follow a beacon to safety. The scent intensified, growing more pungent in the dark air. It seeped into my surroundings, embedding itself in the trees and the ground. The scent said it belonged here; my brother belonged here. Why?

Was it because I was here?

The sound of water gently lapping broke the silence as I ran. I changed direction slightly and moved toward the water, knowing my brother would be near it. The trees around me thinned, opening up to a large field. No, it wasn’t a field, it was a yard.

A few hundred feet ahead, on the edge of a lake, a cabin stood bathed in the light of a half-moon. The sides were roughly hewn wood with windows cut into them. The closed curtains on the inside were well kept. A chimney nestled against one side of the peaked roof. A porch stretched across the length of the front of the cabin, uneven steps leading to it. Nothing adorned the porch, no chairs, tables, or mats.

I knew you’d remember this.

I turned toward the voice to find my brother standing on the edge of the lake. His shoes were off, and his pants rolled up as the water lapped at his toes. Across the lake were more cabins, a few with twinkling lights. If I listened closely, I could make out the rhythms beating inside them.

I don’t remember. I only caught your scent and followed, I replied.

Oh. His shoulders slumped. He perked up a little. You still came.

I didn’t want another to find you.

Another what?

Vampire. Because if one’s going to kill you it should be me, I said.

His eyes widened and his mouth opened in shock. He croaked one word, Oh...

I looked at him, seeing and smelling his fear. I wouldn’t do that though.

Oh, my brother repeated, not so horrified.

I don’t want you dead, I continued.

Oh?

No, I confirmed and paused, considering my next words carefully. You’re my brother. I don’t remember being your brother, but I feel it. It’s why I stopped when you touched me. I saw you and knew who you were. I looked at him, catching his gaze. I won’t let anyone hurt you. If they do, I’ll kill them.

The Adam’s apple in his neck bobbed as he swallowed. You don’t have to do that.

I tilted my head to the right. Why not?

Another bob of his Adam’s apple was accompanied by a step backward. You look creepy when you tilt your head. It looks like you’re thinking about eating me.

I untilted my head. It’s crossed my mind.

But you said you didn’t want me dead. His voice was slow and uncertain.

I don’t, I assured him. I can bite and not kill. I choose not to.

For a long moment, he was silent. Emotion flashed across his face: confusion, fear, and anger. His words seemed carefully chosen when he finally spoke. "You choose not to. So, you don’t have to kill, but you do because you want to?"

Before I could answer, he turned away from me, heading back to the cabin. I followed him, wondering why he didn’t want to hear my answer. Should I have lied to him? There was no reason to lie to him. Lying was pointless.

He tugged his shoes on, unrolled his pants, and lay down on the grass. He spread his arms above his head, staring at the dark sky. I lay next to him, looking at the sparkling stars and half-moon glowing. The scene felt peaceful, full of serenity that was missing here on the ground. I wondered what it’d be like to be up there, surrounded by peace.

Are you mad at me?

My brother looked at me and I realized that the question had come from me.

No, he said. I’m trying to understand you. It’s unnerving, seeing you this way. So emotionless and void. You say everything in a matter-of-fact tone, like it’s the truth and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I feel emotions.

You don’t sound like it.

I sat up, looking at my brother. He stared back at me, waiting. I smiled. Still, he stared.

Well? I asked.

What?

I smiled.

I didn’t see you smile, he replied. Your lips twitched. Were you smiling again?

I was frowning, I corrected and lay back down.

Guess you do it too fast for me to see.

We lapsed back into silence. The only sounds I heard were the water lapping at the lake’s edge and my brother’s breathing and heartbeat. All three were steady and soothing noises. I felt like the world around us didn’t matter. It was me and him, and I didn’t want it to end.

Tom...

In a flash, I sat up, silencing my brother with the sudden movement. I stared at him, a feeling of unease welling in me. Don’t, I whispered, ever say my name. Don’t say mine and I won’t say yours. Understand?

Okay. He raised an eyebrow at me. Guess it’s true what they say, vampires fear names.

Names have power. Power to make you see what you don’t want to see.

What don’t you want to see?

I leaned closer and my brother shifted uncomfortably. He kept his eyes on mine, trying not to let his fear overpower him. Was that human instinct? To naturally fear vampires? Had I? It made sense. Vampires hunted humans. Humans were my prey and he should be my prey. But he wasn’t, he was more than just blood to me. He was my brother and that was so important it trumped every vampire instinct in me.

My voice was whisper soft, just loud enough for him to hear. We don’t want to see you.

The next night, I returned to the cabin. As I wandered around the dark building, my mind shifted between my brother and my hunger. I had no intention of hunting; last night I hadn’t needed to, that was me being a glutton. The reality of vampires is the hunger is always there, but the need—the driving force behind the hunger—isn’t. Need arises once or twice a week, maybe less, and it depends on the vampire.

While I waited for my brother, I peeked into the windows of the cabin. White sheets covered the furniture. The fireplace had been cleaned of soot. I turned and looked at the cabins across the lake, glowing with twinkling lights. Why did this one feel abandoned?

Time ticked by as I waited for my brother. I paced across the length of the porch. The moon moved across the sky, disappearing behind the trees. My brother still didn’t appear. I figured he’d come back. Okay, so I hadn’t said anything to him about meeting at the cabin again, but I figured it was a given.

I jumped off the porch and stalked around the cabin, smelling and listening. The smell of grass, water, and wood was thick in the air, but my brother’s scent was faint and fading. I headed down the gravelly driveway.

There was still no sign of him when the gravel turned to pavement. I kept walking, moving into the ditch in case a car passed on the road. I could always have a snack, I mused. I shook my head. No time for snacks tonight. Not until I found my brother.

At the edge of the town, I melted into the shadows and headed to the only other place I figured he could be: our home. Yellow police tape was strung across the front door. The curtains on the first-floor windows were pulled tight, so I climbed to the second story to check those windows. The room where I had murdered my parents was also covered in yellow tape, white chalk outlines, and little numbered markers. Blood hung in