The Narrative of The Life of Theresa: A Memoir of Marriage

The Narrative of the Life of Theresa Carter

Trilogy Christian Publishers

A Wholly Owned Subsidiary of Trinity Broadcasting Network

2442 Michelle Drive

Tustin, CA 92780

Copyright © 2022 by Jacqueline Little 

For information, address Trilogy Christian Publishing

Rights Department, 2442 Michelle Drive, Tustin, CA 92780.

Trilogy Christian Publishing/ TBN and colophon are trademarks of Trinity Broadcasting Network.

For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Trilogy Christian Publishing.

Manufactured in the United States of America

Trilogy Disclaimer: The views and content expressed in this book are those of the author and may not necessarily reflect the views and doctrine of Trilogy Christian Publishing or the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN: 978-1-68556-276-2

ISBN: 978-1-68556-277-9

Dedicated to my mother and father,

who adopted me and gave me a family.

For this, I am forever grateful.

Chapter One

A wrenching pain, a fiery anguish, an uncontrollable ache, and a deep-seeded disappointment.

All the descriptors for being a married woman and still lonely! Again! She sat on the couch and looked out the window, tears streaming down her face. She cried out shrieks of turmoil for about an hour that turned into whimpers now. Theresa Carter just couldn’t understand how a godly, sophisticated woman could find herself in such a desolate place. Her whole life was about finding her happy place – God, a man, a family, a successful contribution to society. She worked earnestly for these things, and yet, she was only halfway there. A middle-aged woman now, whose life was half lived was running out of time. Yet her goals, which she felt were reasonable, just were not panning out for Theresa. The men, Theresa thought shaking her head. My choices in men have always failed me. But why? I am a good woman! Why do these men not see what is blaring in front of them? As she reflected over her life, her shame began to burn again. The men. The marriages. Hiding the marriages from the people in the church because the women would judge her, and the men would prey upon her. It was just too much!

Suddenly full of hope, she leaped up and looked out the window as if she had an epiphany. The Holy Spirit reminded her of a future and an expected end. She dashed back to the bedroom looking for evidence of her hope, trying to find a place of solace from all her despair, but she could not find what she felt to be within her reach. She studied the woman in the floor mirror next to the window. There was a beautiful face there. She was not unhappy with the reflection of the outer appearance looking back at her. That woman was sharp and respectable. On the outside, she was accomplished and proud. But it was the part of her womanhood that she couldn’t see in the mirror that nagged at her. That part was a failure; at least by God’s standards that part was a failure. So grateful she looked the part – no one could see but God the heartbreak that Theresa was enduring every day. She looked stunning every day. Her face was beautiful. Her hair was not her strong point, but with today’s hair techniques - wigs, weaves, extensions - she could always compensate for that. Theresa was also a fun-loving woman, who was sweet, smart, and sincere. She loved God. She believed in God for her life. All of these things made her very attractive and could fool people. Theresa was even fooled for a while, but eventually she grew up and realized that a truly mature Christian woman was both physically and spiritually fit.

Theresa then collapsed and sprawled out on her bed to find comfort. That bed was comfortable too. The My Pillow down comforter and the fluffy pillows were a perfect comfort when she was alone or sometimes when her husband made love to her, which was hardly ever, but neither satiated the inner comfort that she starved for. So, Theresa rolled around in her bed dissatisfied. Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, it is the evidence of things not seen rose up within Theresa loud and clear again. Fulfillment was in reach. The God who resided within her would remind her from time to time that it was within reach! All that Theresa had hoped for existed and were possible. But how do I grasp hold of it, pondered Theresa. Theresa hadn’t learned that yet, so her heart continued to grow sick as her emotional wellbeing desperately sought for an exit out of its current state of torture. Man-torture. He-will-change torture. He-will-stop-cheating torture. That kind of torture.

Theresa tormented herself more as she thumbed through an old journal and landed on one of her entries, June 24, The Year of Realization: There is nothing worse than the experience of a woman who is not loved by her husband. Why do men marry women who they do not love anyway? They marry women pretending they have an eternal well of love to offer. Then, they shift gears and meander off into the sunset leaving nothing behind. Not a kiss. Not a word of kindness. Just a lifeless, see you later until they coldly return home hours later.

The cruelty of this betrayal is like no other because the woman gets married for the sole purpose of companionship. For the most part, women are independent, especially black women. From the poorest woman in the inner city, to the executive on Wall Street, women are always resourceful and can create her own opportunities to acquire a key and a car. She usually doesn’t need a marital status to experience the basics of life. African American women have learned to make it without a man in the household for generations! It’s the companionship from a man that a woman needs – any woman of any people groups for that matter – from black to white. This part she can’t do for herself. No matter the number of friends, girlfriend trips to the islands or successful money moves she makes, nothing can substitute a man’s companionship. She expects love-making and gentle caresses to her face -- maybe some other parts of her body, too.

Theresa looked away from her journal, internalizing these truths that she wrote so many years ago. She thought about Raymond. He seemed not to understand that it was love that motivated Theresa to do anything for him, not money nor his simple presence in her life. Or maybe he did understand this, which is why he would mistreat Theresa, keeping her in viscous cycles of emotional deprivation. Maybe there was some sick satisfaction that Raymond got from this. Theresa turned the page of her journal and read a few more lines written so long ago. Now, a woman who is victim of this kind of emotional abuse rarely wants to perform or produce anything for her man from a position of love because there is nothing but a bitter, dead heart left over. She might perform out of obligation for fear that the toxic relationship might finally come to an end but not from a position of love anymore. The man reacts to the lack of respect that he created within her, and then he sinks deeper and deeper into more neglect, but now he justifies it, when in the beginning he could not.

Chapter Two

Theresa and Raymond were both professed Christians, but never really solved their marital problems as if they were. The loud voices and distorted faces were not what concerned Theresa the most. It was the inability to feel the other person’s side. Well, she believed she understood his side of everything; however, she just disagreed with it. For Raymond, disagreement meant arguing. If you did not agree with him, then punishment was next – no lovemaking for months, no dinners out, no movies, and no attendance at home, no church.

This time when she begged him to stay home, he had to go play ball with his brother, James. She knew what that meant. Whenever Raymond wanted to go woman-bashing, James was the brother to call. He cheated on his wife too, and blamed all women for his failures, too, just like Raymond did. Theresa knew the real reason why Raymond found solace in talking to his brother – in his secret thoughts, Raymond wanted to be married and separated like James that way he could have a reason to be unfaithful and still return to his wife. It was a game of manipulation. But Theresa hoped that she could hinder Raymond’s typical, next move. She did not want him to stoop to the level of sharing their marital business with his brother – also known as, the entire family. So, she desperately tried to keep him home that late afternoon. If they could only solve some of their issues before he left out, he would be less prone to spread their problems. It was all to no avail though. Raymond pushed her aside as if she were trying to steal his diamond ring and told her that she was crazy - a typical statement from a man who presupposes that all women are the enemy.

Would you want God to treat you the way you are treating me?! she pleaded with him as he determined himself to leave Theresa in great distress once again.

It’s always somebody else. It’s Bishop, my mom, or it is me! You wanted to get married. I married you, now be happy and quit tripp’n. You got what you wanted! Raymond yelled out his last words as he slammed the door behind him. He deranged all the facts and entangled the details so intricately that he left Theresa completely speechless and flabbergasted. A fifteen second sound bite could not undo all his damage to reality. The door was shut, and Raymond believed that he had won the debate because Theresa stepped back silently as he falsely accused her. She knew better to respond to him as she sighed, cleaning away her tears, and again she was the bigger person. Theresa instinctively knew that he would eat those words eventually. She knew it, so she let it go and let him go. The tissue began to break into pieces along her face and dried it out, leaving streaks of white speckles around her eyes, which would cause a problem with her contacts if even the tiniest particle slipped behind it.

As she looked into the mirror, she noticed that the bronze cream concealment was all washed away, revealing the raccoon appearance around her eyes that she hated. She thought about how ugly she must have looked to her husband as she begged him to sit down and pray with her. Theresa thought that maybe if she were the beautiful Sasha, Raymond’s ex, who he refused to stop talking to even after he cheated with her, he would love her.

Theresa’s memory flashed back to their first shopping experience seven years ago. She was so happy to be out and about with her new man, and Raymond was handsome too. She didn’t expect their relationship. Actually, she wasn’t even ready for a new relationship after that Godzilla of a man whom she was now three years free from. That short marriage was very abusive. Theresa hadn’t been all the way healed from that traumatic experience, but three years had passed by, and she never thought she would ever be attracted to anyone again. She was really afraid. Theresa wanted to give love another try against her intuition though, so she gave it another shot with Raymond who was very persistent and; as a result, her affections grew for him.

During their excursion on that particular day, Raymond reminisced about how much he loved Pency’s Outlet just as they pulled into the parking lot. He and Sasha, his ex, always shopped there and got great bargains on clothes before vacating was the topic of his conversation. His stories did not annoy Theresa at first because she was initially not jealous of what they once had. She had no reason to be, but after they began shopping, looking through the clothes and deciding what to purchase, that sentiment began to change as Raymond walked away lost without hope in the world. Now, a need to compete with Sasha sprang up within Theresa. Whatever high he was looking for as they approached the door to Pency’s Outlet, did not manifest itself for Raymond, leaving him dissatisfied and Theresa disappointed as well. Shattered, Raymond’s imagination was clearly evident.

Theresa was not Sasha, and the exhilarating experience that those two shared together was not an experience that she could recreate. Sasha was the sexy one, the one who was cute and shapely and would flaunt herself around in her tight jeans so that Raymond would lust after her and be proud of the sexy lady on his shoulder, but Theresa was not like that and had other things to offer that he could not appreciate at that moment in time at Pency’s Outlet. Alone, Theresa shopped as a great cloud of rejection depressed her spirit. Finally, the failed Pency’s excursion ended, and they left out quietly not speaking to each other or looking at each other. It was a very awkward moment returning to the car. For the first time, Theresa was embarrassed that she was not what he wanted, and her jealousy of Sasha was set on fire, and the seed of competition germinated.

She reflected back on her intuition that she was moving too fast. And Theresa searched back further into her memory to the night of their very first date. Raymond shockingly asked for an exclusive relationship and kissed her by the end of the date. It was an odd, mechanical kiss for Theresa, not the passionate kiss that two people have for the first time. It took her aback because she didn’t expect or want it, but she gave into the kiss because she was afraid to be alone again. And, once again God’s purpose for her life was stalled. Raymond walked Theresa to her car, which was next to his black Mercedes Benz. For the first time in her life, the man was moving too quickly, and not Theresa moving too quickly. Her heart and conscience screamed out no, but Theresa didn’t slow Raymond down. Instead, she let him set the pace for their relationship, which later she would discover was a big mistake.

Chapter Three

Raymond was not entirely the blame for his dysfunctional attitude towards women. Theresa kept a journal about his history on this topic of conversation. He first acquired negative feelings towards women through his mother. He told Theresa that he thought his mother was not good as a parent. In her first marriage, her husband mentally and physically abused her. She was beaten so badly, that her father-in-law, Raymond’s grandfather, paid her to get away from her husband because Raymond had grown old enough to try to defend his mother, but often times found himself beaten. Theresa wrote in her journal about his most