Ten Reasons to Live

TEN

REASONS

TO LIVE

JAMES PECORA

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Published by AuthorHouse 01/12/2023

ISBN: 978-1-7283-7746-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-7283-7745-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023900765

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CONTENTS

Acknowledgements

Ten Reasons to Live - Why We Must Continue to Survive

Chapter 1 My birth and formative years

Chapter 2 Entering Adulthood

Chapter 3 My Twenty-first birthday

Chapter 4 New Horizons

Chapter 5 A new decade and a new career

Chapter 6 Some positive family reinforcement and help from the almighty

Chapter 7 Sunny Sicily

Chapter 8 Back in the U.S.A.

Chapter 9 Entering a different syndrome as well as a relationship

Chapter 10 Continuing on

Chapter 11 The worse is yet to come

Chapter 12 Sunny California

Chapter 13 The beginning of tragedy

Chapter 14 The Election

Chapter 15 A Renaissance

Chapter 16 Depression and Desperation

Chapter 17 I remember Germany

Chapter 18 Just when everything seemed alright

Chapter 19 A stroke of luck would occur

Chapter 20 More disappointments and depression

Chapter 21 Keeping focused

Chapter 22 Depression from a scientific standpoint

Chapter 23 Known Neurotransmitters or chemicals of the Brain

Chapter 24 A ray of sunshine

Chapter 25 Greater anxiety or greater depression?

Chapter 26 How to find out how serious your depression really is

Chapter 27 When it rains it pours

Chapter 28 Memory and medications

Chapter 29 Ushering in the New year 2003

Chapter 30 Tragedy and horror

Chapter 31 Trying to be strong and brave

Chapter 32 Starting the new job

Chapter 33 War with Iraq

Chapter 34 More disappointments

Chapter 35 The beauty of Springtime

Chapter 36 The darkness and the light

Chapter 37 Reigning in the new year 2004

Chapter 38 Faith and the passion of Jesus Christ

Chapter 39 Recent discrepancies in drugs that deal with depression

Chapter 40 Dealing with thoughts of suicide

Chapter 41 The Pecora Family Reunion

Chapter 42 Things Seem To Be Improving

Chapter 43 Rainy Days and Sunny Days

Chapter 44 A Short Vacation

Chapter 45 Homosexuality and Schizophrenia

Chapter 46 Come September

Chapter 47 Feast or Famine

Chapter 48 More Warnings on Depression Medication

Chapter 49 The Problems of Dealing with Stress

Chapter 50 Depression and Darkness on All Levels of Society

Chapter 51 Finding a School That Will Be Convenient

Chapter 52 On The Road to California

Chapter 53 Waiting For Results

Chapter 54 How We Look At Ourselves and Our Relationship to God, Man and the Government

Chapter 55 Anxiety and Worry

Chapter 56 A Journey Back To a Nostalgic Case of Depression

Chapter 57 Still Waiting

Chapter 58 Returning Back To Newark

Chapter 59 Tying Up Some Loose Ends

Chapter 60 A Somewhat Dangerous Turn

Chapter 61 Suicides Are Going Down

Chapter 62 Returning Back To Newark

Chapter 63 Back To School

Chapter 64 More Tragedy

Chapter 65 Selling the House

Chapter 66 Looking For another Place to Live

Chapter 67 Preparing For the Holidays

Chapter 68 Reigning in the New Year

Chapter 69 My New Apartment

Chapter 70 A Very Dreary Day

Chapter 71 ‘More Cold, Snow and Depression’

Chapter 72 Things Are Looking A Little Better

Chapter 73 Spring, Sunshine and St. Patrick’s Day

Chapter 74 Things Are Looking Brighter

Chapter 75 Things Are Improving

Chapter 76 The Summer Is Near

Chapter 77 The Grand Finale

Epilogue

Editor’s Note

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

To my family: The late Mr. and Mrs. James Pecora, my mother and father

My brothers and sister; Anthony, Ricky, Steven, and Christina and their families

My late aunt Vi and Uncle Manny, Aunt Phyllis, Aunt Angie, and their children.

To all my cousins, nieces, nephews and my mother’s family in Germany including her brother (all deceased) Fritz, cousins Marie and Suzy and their children, Helmuth, Stefan, Rita, Doris

In Memorium to my close friend: the late Ralph Scola, an actor and fellow school mate still alive Tony Branco, Artist and collaborator

Dr. Robert Brezinski, Chiropractor and all the members of his family

Karl Petry, Producer, Metro Video Inc. Producer of such films as Ironbound Vampire

Dear Diary, and co-producer of Psycho sisters He is the husband of Dr. Sueli Petry

The late Matt Myers, actor and to everyone in his family, Philadelphia, PA

Victor and Octavia Matos, The late Tony Tavares Interlink productions

Joe Baione, Music teacher at East Side high school. The late Henry Martinez, Former councilman of East ward, Newark, N.J. Miss Diane Haig of Newark, N.J. Mrs Donna Seay of Newark, N.J. The Deutcher club of Clark, N.J. The late Walter Lehman, president The late Mr. Jerry Leopaldi of the Jerry Leopaldi school of theatrical Arts. Councilman

Augie Amador of the East ward, Newark The Augie Amador civic assoc. Newark, N.J.

The Hennessey VFW Post, Newark, N.J. John Giordano, Cmdr, no relation to Pres. of Ironbound Executives The Frang Krug Assoc. Newark, N.J. Ed Orth, President

Viscentina Dos Santos and her daughter, Daisy. Mr. and Mrs. Dale Tyson of Philadelphia. Mr. and Mrs. Rob Canfield of Philadelphia PA.

The late Mr. and Mrs. David Flitter of Philadelphia, their son Carey and his family. Also in memorium to their late son, Ira Flitter, a close and dear friend.

Posts Kearry, N.J. Post 99, Tom’s River 129 and The American Legion

The Ironbound Executives assoc, Newark, N.J. John Giordano, President

The Naval Enlisted Reserve Assoc. New Jersey Chapter also: Unico, the Kearry Chapter

To all my relatives and friends who are deceased Ruelina Cobral, Dr. Edward Salgado, Ronald Pecora, and Frank Russo

To Germania Park, Rockaway Twp, N.J.

TEN REASONS TO LIVE - WHY WE MUST CONTINUE TO SURVIVE

By James Pecora, with comments by Sueli Petry, candidate for Master of Arts degree in clinical psychology at Montclair State University currently, a Doctor in Clinical Psychology

Ten Reasons to Live

1. God created us - we serve a universal purpose. He never intended for us to be miserable.

2. Our family and friends who love and care of us to share with them some form of unity.

3. Sense of community - we belong. Our contribution, clubs etc., sense of belonging.

4. Our country, our planet, its beauty, its greatness, its freedom which we were meant to enjoy. Nature’s beauty.

5. A professional goal - what we would like to pursue with our lives. The kind of work we would be most happy doing.

6. Hobbies - things we enjoy doing in a spare time. Art, photography, gardening, music.

7. Every person has to rise above his or her environment (strong character).

8. Material things are not everything but try to enjoy the things you have and if you can attain more - fine.

9. Try to be sociable especially trying to meet members of the opposite sex. Look for if not marriage at least some companionship.

10. Overall, try to appreciate the basics having your health, freedom, dignity, food, and clothing. Remember, there are many people that do not have any of these things. We may be rich in many ways that we are unable to realize.

H.G. Wells claimed that ancient Neolithic man (as early as 10,000 BC) was feeling out for guidance and knowledge, becoming aware of a need for protection and direction. In response to this human need, bold men arose to become magicians, priests, chiefs and kings. The human thought processes intrigued philosophers and other theorists for at least 2,000 years. The Greek philosopher Aristotle proposed laws for learning and memory, and emphasized the importance of mental imagery.

JP: This is a story of one man’s battle against one of the most common social problems in modern society: depression. Depression can be the cause or the result of other contemporary menaces such as crime, homicide, suicide, alcoholism, drug addiction, physical and/or sexual abuse.

I have taken upon myself the very difficult task of writing this story because I have dealt with depression. It is never easy for one to talk about these things, but if one is to clean up one’s mind and soul, the excess garbage or baggage must be eliminated. It is a tragedy that people who suffer from depression often refuse to get help because they may be considered abnormal or inadequate. We like to feel as though we are in control, when in reality we simply cannot control many occurrences; we can only react to them. Excessive worry will do you no good, take it from a real worrywart!

SP: In accordance with the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV), to be diagnosed as having depression a person must exhibit within the same two-week period at least five symptoms from a list that includes diminished interest or pleasure in customary activities, poor appetite, sleeping difficulties, fatigue, inability to concentrate, and suicidal thoughts.

Depression is more than an illness, which invades the brain. It enters and disturbs not only the brain; it also disturbs the feelings, behaviors and beliefs of the individual. It invades and changes the very core of our being. The chances are overwhelming that most of us, at some point in our lives, will have to face depression in ourselves or in somebody close to us. It is estimated that in the United States 12 to 15 percent of women and 8 to 10 percent of men will struggle with a serious mood disorder during their lifetime. Rates of depression have climbed over the last 50 years and are significantly higher in those born after 1945. The average age of the on-set of a first depressive episode is mid-20s (whereas it was once mid-30s). More disturbing is that the United States has a higher rate of depression than almost any other country, and as Asian countries Westernize their rates of depression increase correspondingly. The data suggests that the rise in depression is a product of our culture.

Depression is a mood disorder. We use the words mood and emotion interchangeably in everyday speech, but is important to distinguish them. Emotions are usually transient, emotions that change in response to our thoughts, activities and social situations throughout the day. Moods, however, are a consistent lingering emotion over time, sometimes lasting for hours, days, or even months in the case of some forms of depression.

JP: Some very successful people have suffered from depression. Coping with depression is often a very difficult process, which requires the patience and understanding of family and friends of the afflicted person. There are all sorts of Band-Aid approaches; believe me, I know from experience.

CHAPTER 1

My birth and formative years

T he year 1952, was a very interesting year in many ways. Some of the most popular shows on television started in that year. The Gary Moore Show, I’ve Got a Secret, The Honeymooners, The Abbott & Costello Show. 1952 was also a fateful year politically. The nation would elect a republican for president for the first time in twenty years, former general Dwight A. Eisenhower, who served as supreme commander of allied forces in Europe a decade earlier was elected with a vice presidential candidate, Richard M. Nixon a congressman from Whittier California, who became famous during the Alger Hiss trial. Just after the second World War. He would later be elected President in 1968 and would resign in 1974 due to the stigma from the Watergate Scandal.

The nation was in the very midst of the red scare a republican Senator from Wisconsin, Senator Joseph R. McCarthy was conducting an investigation as to how many card-carrying communists had actually infiltrated our government. This would lead to the famous "McCarthy vs. Army hearings which were viewed on television by millions of viewers.

The 1950’s were a fabulous period. So many things about that period fascinated me as a child. So why would one ask should I become so depressed? The reasons perhaps may become more apparent as time goes on. My brother, Anthony, was born on January 28, 1955. I was particularly fascinated by cars and lights. Also, Elvis Presley and Rock and Roll were my other obsessions. It was probably one of the greatest times to be a teenager or to be alive. Great television programs were in over abundance. American Bandstand, The Lone Ranger, Superman, Zorro, and I Love Lucy, just to name a few.

I loved The Three Stooges in spite of their violence. I start with school in the winter of 1957. It was during the month of January 1957, of course, I cannot remember exactly what the weather was like, but I was placed in Ann Street School, which was in the ironbound section of Newark. Ironically, three of my cousins attended the same school, Janet, Lucille the daughters of my father’s eldest brother Sam and my cousin Jim, the only son of my father’s older sister Filomena (Phyllis).

Needless to say, I did not enjoy school at all and took an instant dislike to it immediately, which would continue up until the late 60’s or early 70’s. My life it seems had already been planned out by parents and family. This is perhaps when the depression started and I constantly fought showing tears. I tended to be a very creative child not very interested in being around other children. In fact I couldn’t be. Among my interests at that time were stamp collecting, television, movies, air planes my drawing, cars, trains and boats. Of course, first and foremost by all the famous recording artists of time, such as Elvis Presley, Pat Boone, Perry Cuomo, Jerry Lee Lewis and others such as the Everly Brothers and Platters.

I had no interest at all in sports and after the summer in September 1957 I was put into St. Benedict’s grammar school, where I would spend the next eight years. It seemed to have been providential that I would not like school and take an indifference to it. I could not be confined, in fact. I really hated it and it is just not parochial school for I think there would have been problems in public school in which there were. The strict discipline of the nuns was not something I could immediately conform to and I did not. Fortunately, I had my diversions in the mornings I would get up extra early and play my records, mostly 45 rpms. When I came home for lunch, I would watch Johnny Jelly-Bean and then after school I would watch Dick Clark and American Bandstand which incidentally just celebrated its fortieth anniversary. It was by listening to this that we found out about the latest hit records which my mother would buy because she loved these records too. She was only twenty-six or twenty-seven at that time.

There are several things that stand out in my mind about this period. First, I remember the nuns taking all of us to downtown Newark to see the film The Ten Commandments (with Charlton Heston) at the Adams Theater. The opening up of the sea is one of the greatest scenes ever filmed. I still watch the movie faith fully when it comes on television around the time of Passover and Easter every year.

MY FIRST HOLY COMMUNION (1958)

In the beginning of 1958, in January, I received a break a few days from school when my mother gave birth to my sister, Christine (Tina). My father brought me to stay with my Aunt Mary who lived in Nutley, New Jersey. I can still remember the drive with the snow on the ground driving along Route 21 North and going up to my Aunt’s house. Mary was my father’s oldest sister. Her husband Joseph Turiello was from the Ironbound section of Newark and he was born around 1906 on Oliver Street. He married my Aunt Mary during October 1929, just a few days before the stock market crash of October 29, 1929. They had three children, Joseph Jr. born in 1932, Betty, otherwise known as Elizabeth born in 1939, and Ronald who was born in 1944. My cousin Joseph was my sponsor at my confirmation when I was twelve years old. He served with the army in Korea during early 1950’s. He later became an English teacher and became Vice-Principal of Irvington High School until he retired in 1994. One of my fondest beautiful memories was going to the homes of my aunts and uncles as a child. This was another form of relief for me as a child because growing up in Newark is not exactly the best environment for any child. I was often melancholy as a child and would tend to withdraw. I did not get along always with my classmates because I did not share their interest in sports. I would go to a secluded section of St. Benedict’s playground closer to Barbara Street and spend most of the recess there. Academically, I was not an outstanding student. I often thought that I would not finish high school. This is however, a very interesting fact which has been very illustrative of my life. Although I was a poor student and hardly ever received an A in a subject, I hardly ever failed a subject. I was never left back and I always did study and would pass just about all my tests. During my entire life I decided that I would always try as hard as I possibly could and this always pulls me through, no matter how bleak and difficult a situation may look. You have to try hard and keep going and possibly with some help from Almighty God, we can persevere. This brings us to reason number one of why we should live.

A purpose for why we are here. Around the time I was six or seven I demonstrated some talent in drawing. Many of my classmates as well as my teachers noticed. Drawing became one of my favorite past times and although I have not done any drawing in recent years, it is definitely a very healthy release for and frustrations because of the fact that I was very shy as a youth and what I was unable to express verbally could be drawn on a piece of paper as to any possible insight as to what was really on my mind. I was also watching a great deal of television, especially Million Dollar Movie on channel 9. The problem with that was that I would be watching it almost every night and during the weekends. I would not do this during the warmer months because it was too hot to stay in the house. We did not have any air-conditioning at that time so I would be out playing with some of the other children that lived on my street. The Million Dollar movie would come on about 7:30 p.m. Monday through Friday and three times Saturday and Sunday. My parents, aunts and uncles were somewhat annoyed at this habit. My mother insisted that I do my homework before everything else, which I did and the rest of the time was mine until 9:00 p.m. when we had to go to bed. I would get home from school a little after three and immediate change my clothes and start doing my homework.

The following will help to explain why I do not like to procrastinate. I like to get things done and out of the way. I always wanted to get the written homework out of the way first by the time we ate supper, around 5:00 or 5:30. The Three Stooges would come on Channel 11 and I would watch them. They were very funny, but violent, in later years would be put on much later time after numerous complaints from parents. I would do my studying and finished usually around 7:30 in time to start watching Million Dollar Movie which ended at 9:00. Another interesting thing that happened around this period was that I was overcoming my fear of horror movies. Around 1957, the year I started school, Channel 7 (ABC) introduced all the famous horror movies which were made during the 1930’s and 1940’s. By the 1950’s science fiction films were in vogue and stars of the classic horror films, Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi, Lon Chaney and Peter Lorre had found themselves out of work. It was a full scale revival which had actually revived the careers of the stars previously mentioned with the exception of Bela Lugosi who died in August of 1956, during the filming of Plan 9 from Outer Space. These films were shown around 11:00 in the evening, past my bedtime. So I did not watch them and in fact I was very frightened of them, my mother mentioned this to our family doctor and he suggested that she have me watch them. After viewing Godzilla on Million Dollar Movie, on Saturday afternoon, I would watch Shock Theater" on Channel 7 and as a result of this I slowly overcame my fear of monsters, large and small. It was this experience alas, that introduced me to reality that eventually we all die and if we believe that there’s a God and also Satan that there is good and evil in the world and how it will affect us in life or in the world beyond, the supernatural. Needless to say, these believes would help me later in life for my mother and father never tried to hide reality from me and growing up in Newark would help me to become more resilient.

My mode of living was becoming constant. In 1956, my father started his own business. Prior to this he worked as a plumber for his older brother Sam for nearly seven years after he was discharged from the army in 1949, the same year he married my mother in Germany. In the beginning his business had not been doing too well. He had one truck and spent long hours working trying to make ends meet because by now he had three children to support. We did not have car at that time. By 1959 he had three trucks so his business was starting to do well but my mother had to handle all the paperwork. Raising three children, running the business, taking care of the house and already having health problems was beginning to take its toll. My mother was never a healthy woman, something which would give me a great deal of stress in my life as well. I recall my mother being frequently ill and what really frightened me more than anything was the fact she was a very young woman only twenty-nine or thirty years old. My mother was not a person who enjoyed going out a lot. My father was the opposite. After the week was over and with all the pressures of running the business and raising a family, each of my parents had a different method of escape.

My mother simply wanted to be left alone and to and be with her children. My father wanted to be with his friends and enjoy himself. Ironically, I have been both ways and I can see where this comes from. Neither of my parents drank or smoked and I often wondered why I started doing both of these habits in the first place. Of course, now the answer is or was perfectly obvious. Although, I don’t really smoke now, I did for twenty-seven years and I drink moderately where before I drank indiscriminately. Fortunately, I never was in any serious trouble caused by excessive drinking. Earlier, perhaps in the back of my mind, but I did possess my basic reasoning power and maintained my mental facilities. I was never in a drunken car accident or any serious trouble with the law. Thank God. I always made it a point to eat if I was going to have a drink.

By the winter of 1960, the problem with my mother’s health was becoming alarmingly worse. I was eight years old at the time and emotionally, this would prove to be very stressful, even devastating.

Nearly every week my mother would become ill. One reason that was determined was the fact that she was anemic. This condition went back to the war. Sadly and unfortunately, many people because they had very little food would become ill just eating what we consider an average meal. My mother was not one for going to parties. As I stated earlier, she did not smoke or drink so all this had an adverse affect on her. The doctor would have to come over frequently and I was afraid of doctors. There were times she was so ill that she wanted to die. I prayed God that everything would be alright. The thought of losing her was enough to make me cry and I cried often. This brings us to our second reason for living. There are people who want us to live. Those who need us. Our family and friends. How will they feel if we took our lives. I have seen a perfect example of this just a few years ago. A very close friend of mine committed suicide. I have seen first hand what it this did to his family and to us, his good friends who loved him and wanted him to live. He was unemployed, had sugar diabetes, serious blockage of arteries due to cholesterol. He broke up with his girlfriend just few months earlier. I had practically begged him to seek out professional help, but he seemed to be in a state of self-denial. Ironically, the same week that my friend committed suicide. My maternal Grandfather died and that of course had been a very emotionally trying time because I did not have the money to travel to Germany to see him.

I mentioned earlier that some very successful people had suffered from severe depression. The most famous example was Abraham Lincoln. There were certainly many good reasons for him to be depressed. He had lost a woman he loved. He failed in business on two separate occasions and suffered a nervous breakdown. He ran unsuccessfully for eight different political posts before being elected President of the United States in 1860. What can definitely be learned from Lincoln’s story is that you have to be persistent in fighting your problems otherwise you have little hope of overcoming them. My life in many ways parallels Lincoln’s -- that is his failures.

I have searched for years, not so much to find the reasons for depression. I know there are cures such as medication. But I always wondered what the cause was. This was one of the many reasons that I decided to go back into my ancestral background to try to find the origin. That is all well and good, but thank God that I have finally found out what the problem was all these years. Many people go through life never realizing what the problem is, what caused it and how to successfully combat it. They are constantly in a very severe state of depression and unable to communicate with others. There are numerous examples of things that I would like to forget. Many of my experiences as a child, just to name one: I was not physically attractive between the ages of seven and thirteen. I was often the subject of taunts and frequent beatings by either classmates or kids in the neighborhood. Very few of my teachers were sympathetic. However, occasionally, there were some teachers who would speak up on my behalf. I mentioned earlier that I attended St. Benedicts Grammar School. But this could have happened in a public school as well. One of the problems as I see it was that it was always very difficult for me to fit in so the obvious solution to this problem was to find other children who shared my interests. By the fourth grade, I started to like school a little more for several reasons. As had been the case, I started to develop a talent for drawing in the second grade. I had a woman teacher or lay teacher, not a nun. This particular lady had children of her own which helped her relate better to us. The second reason, in addition, we were introduced to art and history and geography, subjects I still enjoy today. I also started to read Classics Illustrated. Famous novels in comic book form. My reading, spelling, and appreciation of good literature developed as a result.

From Mr. Fischer’s Art Class

TAKEN (1968) EAST SIDE HIGH NEWARK, N.J.

I decided now that I could concentrate on stronger points. I developed a great interest not only in American geography, history and literature, but of many foreign cultures as well. I started to read even more and was especially interested in the era of the Civil War, which ironically was approaching the Civil War Centennial 1961. By late 1960, things began to improve for me and in household. My maternal grandmother visited us from Germany and was going to stay with us. This had been her second time in the United States. The first time she visited was the winter of 1954-55. We all had a very enjoyable Christmas having her Mother over had definitely improved my mother’s spirits as well, and the year 1961 got off to a very good start. A year that I still fondly reminisce upon. My grandmother spoke no English and I could not speak German so attempted to learn. There was a problem involved here, however. Adolph Eichman had been caught in Argentina in the spring of 1960 and was taken to Israel to stand trial for the murder of millions of Jews in concentration camps during the second World War. I was very proud of my half German background, but it was better to suppress for the war had only ended fifteen years earlier and this trial of one of the most infamous Nazi war criminals opened up a renewed interest and revival or reexamination of the Nazi era and of Adolph Hitler. Scores of films and documentaries had been produced. Films such as Operation Eichman. Judgment at Nuremberg, Hitler Town without Pity were produced during this period and films made during the war were shown constantly on television. It seemed that Hollywood was cashing in. This where suppression had begun (my earliest memories of) and I decided that I did not want to be or appear un-American. Several children on our street dressed up in Civil War uniforms, myself included to celebrate the Centennial. We also dressed up in uniforms of the Revolutionary War to look like some of George Washington’s Army. I wanted to identify more with the United States and began to do so more strongly. The years later, the same conflict would re-appear during the height of the Vietnam War era. I did not particular agree with the American troop involvement in the war, but I did not like the campus left-wing radicals who burned the American flag, burned and vandalized college buildings and created disturbances and civil unrest. In fact, I did not like their idea of revolution and down with the establishment and I realized that I would not join their ranks. I wanted to identify strongly with being American, but I will get back to this in an upcoming chapter.

As time goes on we will see where many of my inhibitions came from. But this in fact was the period of my life where I was really starting to discover myself. I was going on ten years of age. My fascination had encompassed many things well beyond what I ever expected. Children this age and even younger generally like to explore and I guess I was no exception to the rule. Besides reading Classics Illustrated stories about historical events, mainly about the Civil War, I was introduced by a friend to a magazine called Famous Monsters of Filmland and also Horror Monsters. On Saturday nights on Channel 11 at 10:00 and about the same time Sunday night on Channel 9 WOR-TV, Horror Films were shown and I watched them faithfully, I also started collecting cards: Civil War, baseball, Horror cards, Mars Attacks. This was my best form of escapism. There was another program that was very popular around this period called The Untouchables which aired every Thursday night. Unfortunately, the Italian-American Civil Rights League threatened to boycott the producers because they did not feel that the program portrayed Italians or Italian-Americans in a respectable image. One might say that Hollywood put the double whammy on my ethnic-background for the time being. I found myself entering other dimensions and I found something out about myself that I still have a conflict with today. There was a young man who helped my father during the summer. He had blond hair and a perfect body. Very well developed. He was about six years older that I, sixteen. I found myself attracted to him physically. I was very fat and out of shape so perhaps this was understandable. Other attractions to others would follow. I have never had a sexual experience with someone of my own sex, but I must admit there were times I was tempted. I am not ashamed to say that I am sympathetic to gays and lesbians, even though I have never participated in that lifestyle, I am ashamed, however, of my vindictiveness or any condemnation of them. I will take this opportunity to apologize to gays and lesbians .. another perfect example of my suppression. I do believe that this was not abnormal. I was not aware of sex at the time and I think that it is very common for boys of ten or eleven to look up to older boys, especially if there are problems going on in the home. Unfortunately, in many cases gang leaders, usually older boys, take the place of the parents and gang violence and prospective criminal career are in the making. Fortunately, this never happened to me because I was to one to usually follow others. I was introverted and wanted to have my own separate identity.

By Christmas of 1961, both my maternal grandparents had arrived from Germany. This was the first time I met my grandfather. This was now my grandmother’s third trip to the United States. They would stay for a month. We looked back to that Christmas as one of the happiest times we ever had. My mother’s health was also improving. On the downside, I was having difficulties at school. There was one boy who had been left back and I quickly became friends with him. I always felt like an outcast in school and was not very popular with the teachers or the students. I was very fat, a little slow and had not performed well in either my studies or in sports so I related more to those who could not compete. Another form of suppression. I was having trouble with the nuns that were teaching me and many problems would follow.

There was one nun who used to enjoy hitting me as well as a few of the kids. Although, I still go to the same church today, I would never want the nuns teaching there again. Of course now they all have lay teachers. I did not have too many problems in school before the fifth grade. I was starting to show some form of rebellion and could only surmise that those around me including my parents did not like it. I was transferred to another class which is where the problems took place. This is not something I imagined because there have been recent reports of child abuse, in some cases sexual, by numerous victims who feared coming forward. Ironically, this nun that I was having problems with was transferred the following year as well as some of the students that I was having problems with so was it really all my fault. This nun that had been transferred wrote a letter to my mother, but I confiscated it and ripped it up.

In contrast to this almost unbearable situation, we did have some fun. My father, as a boy enjoyed baseball a great deal and with the overmounting pressures of his business needed a release from the stress so he too me and a few of my friends, bought some bats, gloves and balls. We would play at the old Rupert Stadium (which was torn down in 1967) at least two or three times a week, and we enjoyed it, although I was not good at it. There was a man named Lou who was like a second father to us. He took us to Freedomland, swimming and other places. Louis Lowe was his full name and he was never married. Lou lived by himself in a trailer camp in Union, New Jersey.

Perhaps we substituted for his family and he was always very good to us. He was a friend of my Uncle Manny (Manuel Fernandez and my Aunt Viola, my father’s older sister.) The summer finally came and we were out of school. There was a small pool in our yard where we could swim and I also started going to the movies with some of my friends. I always enjoyed watching the movies of Vincent Price and I would have the pleasure of meeting him in person some fifteen years later. I had a used bicycle that I received from my cousin because he was now seventeen or eighteen and had a car. So we would ride our bicycles, play softball at Rupert Stadium, go to the movies, swim or put plastic models together. Also, we often had fights, which I sometimes lost. On September 1, 1962 my mother gave birth to my second brother Frederick (Ricky). School started again and the nun I had was an older but very kindly woman, Sister Mary Alquin. She knew how to bring out the best in me and she usually did. She would give us projects for history and science. She cast me in the first school play I was ever in. I played a Roman soldier. This was my introduction to acting and I really enjoyed it. My mother made the uniform and I bought the helmet. We also had a science fair and I made a large drawing of the circulatory system. For history, we studied ancient civilizations such as the Egyptians, Babylonians, Greeks and Romans. I started to like school now and my grades actually improved. I thought that 1963 would come off to a good start and then came several devastating blows. Sister Mary Alquin became very ill and was taken to the hospital. My mother was starting to have recurring bouts with the nerve spasms she suffered with and having just given birth had complicated everything. One of the substitute nuns that I had told me that Sister Alquin had just come out of the hospital and was convalescing at the convent. She also told me that Sister Alquin wanted to see the uniform that I had for the play. Unfortunately and sadly, this would be the last time I would see Sister Mary Alquin. She did, however, like the roman soldier uniform and told me that she was proud of me. She would not be able to see the play which was put on in the auditorium of St. Benedict’s School. The audience liked me and the play, but I was saddened by the fact that Sister Alquin could not see it. She was diagnosed with cancer of the throat and required more surgery. This would be her last year of teaching. She was removed from the convent and placed in a convalescent home. By 1964 she was unable to speak at all and she died in the fall of 1965 at the age of sixty. Of all the years that I have spent at St. Benedict’s she represented my fondest and saddest memories.

1963 would go down as one of the worst years of my life. After Sister Alquin left, we had another nun teaching us. This was the sixth grade. This woman was cruel, arrogant and totally unsympathetic. She would be transferred the following year as well, which was a tremendous surprise to me. My grades had started to go down and we were given unbelievable amounts of homework and studying. I became very ill and had to remain home a few days. The doctor said I had a virus, I had been feeling very nauseous and congested. I had already had the measles, the German measles and the mumps. This would happen only one more time in my life thirteen years later. Speaking of sad events, the mother of one of my classmates died and this reinforced my fear of losing my mother. My mother had been quite ill and I can remember her saying that she wished she was dead. This is now where the depression would start setting in. I began to cry a great deal. Something I had not done since three years earlier when my mother had been quite ill. Unfortunately, the man I had mentioned earlier, Louis Lowe, who had been like a second father had to be hospitalized. My school work was failing also. I could not keep up with the strictness and demands of this new nun whom I personally disliked. Her personality was horrible and I began to fail my subjects. I had to go to summer school to make up the grade, but that was not the worst of it. This was a public school, Lafayette Street School in Newark, and I had a male teacher who was over 6 ft tall, well built man who was really vicious and cruel. He constantly yelled and even some of the toughest kids in the school were afraid of him, myself included. I can remember one boy begging not to be hit and another boy wanting to get some water at the fountain and this teacher yelling at him to get away. It was very hot and there was no air conditioning either at home or at school. I only failed one subject out of four in summer school, but that subject, I had passed in regular school, so I would graduate. During this period, my mother took me to see a child psychologist, Dr. Silverman, and he was of some help. I did enjoy talking to him. His office was located upon no Clinton Avenue across from the huge synagogue which was right near the pediatrician that my mother would take us to, Dr. Finkelstein. Incidentally, Dr. Finkelstein was the doctor who told my mother to make me watch horror films. He also told my mother that I should have a bicycle and I really liked him after that because I would not have had one otherwise. My father once yelled at me for riding with my friend on a bicycle and we were riding on the sidewalk. Our regular family doctor was a Dr. Pasquale Amato who was a very good doctor also. These gentlemen are all deceased now, but they all influenced me one way or another. My parents were afraid I would get killed by a speeding vehicle if I had a bicycle, but they relented and bought me one to train on before I got my cousin’s which was bigger. It was a Schwinn, a popular brand at that time. Around this time I was reaching the age of puberty and I started to become interested in women. Occasionally, I would notice nude magazines on display in the candy store and I would go in there despite the objections of the nuns who prohibited us from going in there, insisting the proprietor was morally corrupting the youth of the neighborhood. I started the new school year on a new slate with a very strict and firm nun (Sister Mary Ellen) whom I did not like personally. She was of a strong German background and it showed. She has since left the nunnery and I saw her in a store where I worked, Channel Lumber, in 1980. Naturally, she did not recognize me. She did however bring out the best in me and tolerated no nonsense. My grades had improved considerably. I had two other nuns, Sister Colette and Sister Veronica, the principal, whom were both very nice. I even started to do well in mathematics and we were learning about hypotenuse, isosceles triangles and cubular which I found rather interesting. Of course the year of 1963 could not abate its cruelty and Louis Lowe died at the age of forty and a weeks afterwards President John F. Kennedy. A man who I great admired was assassinated in Dallas November 22, 1963, a week before Thanksgiving. That Sunday after Thanksgiving, we attended the memorial service at St. Paul’s Presbyterian Church on Lafayette Street. This was an altogether new experience for me, because I was catholic and we were prohibited from going into Protestant churches. I can remember the speakers and minister of the church, a powerful man, Reverend Monteiro, who had been from Portugal and I never