Nineteen Unsaid

Dedication

I dedicate this book to anyone who has had to learn to survive sexual trauma. The broken reflection you see in the mirror is far from the real you. I pray my story in some way helps you to not feel alone in your journey of healing.

I also dedicate this book to my mother for seeing me when I could no longer see myself. She is truly my angel.

Contents

Dedication

The Breakup

The Three Musketeers

New Boyfriend

Complicated

Heartbeat

Lust

January 10th, 2013

Plan B

Denial

Gasoline

Three Bleak Nights

Bleak Night Number 1

Bleak Night Number 2

Bleak Night Number 3

A Frigid Snow Day

Spring Break

Homecoming

Insanity

Collide

More Beautiful You

Bad Blood and Wild Turkey

Shelter from the Storm

Cold Exposure

Run

Cops

Pitiful Awakening

The Ugly Truth

The Clinic

The Apartment

Twisting the Knife

The End of Silence

Flicker of Hope

Cold Water

Free Falling

Cruel Summer

Bruises

The Dot

Go Fish

Wake Up-Drink.

Bitter Talks

End of an Era

Learning to Breathe

A Rock and a Hard Place

A New Toad

Learning to See

The Dealership

An Onion

The R Word

Forgiveness and Fallen Tears

Every Little Thing’s Gonna Be Alright

The Love Contract

Diving in

Resentments and Trenches

Forgiving Me

The Beautiful Now

Oh nineteen. How is it that over ten years have come and gone, and I still remember every moment of that year as if it were yesterday? I have these moments, especially now as a mother, where I feel so completely free of it all, and other moments or even days that suck me right back in. Especially when October comes around; October through January, my mind still takes me back. The smell of a bonfire, Halloween, my birthday, seeing or hearing from old friends, watching certain movies...it brings me back to the melancholy essence of that year of my life. It was one of the craziest emotional roller coasters I’ve ever experienced, and that’s putting it lightly. But at the beginning of it, I remember nothing but a transcendent feeling of pure happiness. Outside of falling in love with my husband and having children, the months surrounding turning nineteen were probably the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I was free...for a little while anyway.

January 10th, 2013, changed my life forever. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about it in one way or another. Sometimes I experience a reflection of gratitude for finally feeling beyond it. Other times, the past can feel like an all-consuming clenching of my breath as I remember laying in the backseat of a truck as my best friend raped me. That night is always there, tucked into the shadows of my mind, and I still involuntarily relive it. However, I no longer give the horrific remembrance power over my heart the way I once did. I have learned over the years that while that scar will never go away, the darkness of the memory does not hold me prisoner anymore; it does not define me. It took me nearly ten years, but through an unfortunate series of events, I miraculously found myself again. I guess that makes those events not so unfortunate because they helped shape who I am today. This is not a story unlike many others out there; frankly, it is probably a lot lighter than most. Not everyone gets to hear a tearful apology from their rapist, as I eventually did. Not everyone has the kind of parents that will love them at their very worst, and still somehow see the very best in them. And not everyone that loses their faith comes back to it. I am grateful to say that I did.

This is a story about forgiveness. Not forgiveness for my rapist as much as finding the ability to forgive myself. Within these words, I’ll take you back in time to everything that led up to what happened, the unraveling of me, and finally, how I eventually came back to life. These words are quite literally my diary. They are raw, they are real, and they are being placed before you for one purpose...to provide a light in the dark. I think the worst part of being in a mental prison from such an event is the loneliness and inescapable self-blame.

My journey to freeing myself from the demons that were born into my head during these rough times in my life was a long one. I may sound utterly crazy or wildly stupid as you read the mess that became of me, and that’s okay because I can honestly say, I was both of those things at times. My only hope in sharing my story is to say, no matter what you’ve done to cope with your pain, how far you’ve fallen from who you were, it’s never too late to be who you are now, because who you are now is enough. I believe that God holds all of our tears and our pieces, and if we let Him, He will turn them into something more beautiful than we ever imagined. And if you don’t believe in God, that’s okay...He believes in you.

So, let’s start at the beginning. About eleven years ago...

The Breakup

I remember the breakup. Finally, the never-ending relationship from high school came to an end. No more toxic psycho family to deal with, no more worrying if my boyfriend was going to be able to get himself up and to work in the morning, no more worrying about him not taking care of himself, and best of all, no more worrying about literally everything else under the sun apart from myself.

After my boyfriend left his abusive family, I thought he might have had a shot at a better life. He does seem happy now, and I’m very grateful for that because even though our relationship finally came to an end after four long years, he will always be family to me after the way he loved mine. He deserved so much more from his own, and despite their ugliness, I will never have regrets about the four years we spent together.

14 years old to almost 19...first kiss...first almost everything. The biggest surprise to everyone would be...I was still a virgin when we split. Everyone, including his family, assumed that was not the case, but the truth is, we never quite crossed that line. That’s not to say that we didn’t try, but I guess you could say I just wasn’t ever able to fully relax enough for that to happen, and he was very gentle with me. Something I would later miss.

I never expected to get into Westwood Christian University, yet I didn’t apply anywhere else. My GPA was good, but my ACT sucked. Writing skills were my thing, and my paper and GPA got me in the door. I was so excited when I received the news that I got in. I had been so stressed with my personal life, mainly with making sure my boyfriend, who was a year older than me, landed on his feet.  I had also been helping take care of my grandparents since I was 15 and I was always knee-deep in whatever was going on with my family. My boyfriend had helped me take care of them on my weekend shifts, too. That was part of what kept me so bonded to him; his heart was pure.

To this day, I’ll never forget what he said one morning on his way to work after he was living on his own. He had brought donuts by, and I was still in bed, so he talked with my parents in the living room. He said that the only reason he believed in God was because of me. That in itself was enough for me to hold no regrets with us and all we went through together. But something interesting happened when we split...something no one saw coming who knew me well. I got over it in a matter of two days.

My family fully expected that if we ever finally came to an end, I would be wrecked for months and months to come based on how attached at the hip he and I were. I had lost 15 pounds during high school when we had split once before. But something was different this time...I think I finally saw that even being away from his family wasn’t going to change the fundamental differences between us and what I needed in a life partner. So, I cried for a couple of days, and was released from it somehow.

The toxicity of his family had been such a tremendous burden, and the repercussions that affected him also affected me, and frankly my family too. When I realized he needed to go further down a road that wasn’t for me, I finally had enough self-respect to rise above it. I’m proud of the person he is today, and we are still friends, but there was a short chapter where that wasn’t the case, and it gave me the room to breathe and the room to see everything for what it was. I realized that I had a future outside of him. That sounds obvious and even silly to say, but first loves can really feel like your whole world. Especially when you want to save them from such an abusive situation; having that in the mix amplified my feelings into a role that never should have been mine.

It’s hard when you carry someone else. It’s so easy to lose sight of who you are. My family had been there for him more than his own ever had in those few years, and while they cared about him very much, they worried that all of this was taking too heavy of a toll on me. I was relieved for them to see me finally blossoming after the split. I always carried so much guilt for all the unnecessary drama that came with being in that relationship.

I felt lighter than I had in years when we finally called it quits; I was able to see myself for the first time in so long...and it’s going to sound weird to say, but I couldn’t stop smiling. Between my family and him, I didn’t make much room for many friendships in my life. I decided to change that with my new free time and rekindle with some of my friends from when he and I had split for a few months in high school. Jamie and I had technically known each other since we were 12. He met me at my most awkward stage...my innocence was beyond intact.

We had just moved here from the West Coast after I had done a homeschooling phase for two years during all of our moving and my grandmother’s illness battles. Needless to say, the innocence and homeschooling showed a lot. And it didn’t take long before I became a target for bullying. I handled it pretty well with my newly found sarcasm, but it was a very lonely time for me. Not at all what I expected when I moved to the south...I expected some charming Southern bells. Church didn’t work out well for me either after they switched the staffing around; the woman who took over our youth group almost seemed to dislike kids. My only two other friendships that were out of state imploded with time and revealing circumstances.

Jamie was one of the few people that had always stood the test of time with his kindness. We had some laughs in high school, but never really talked much outside of random events. I called him and told him what happened, and he instantly got me connected with some other friends I had known in school. One of those friends was named Charlie.

The Three Musketeers

Charlie had always had these amazing bonfires at his house, and back when I had my old Bronco, I’d take the top down, grab friends and head over there to hang out. It was always a memorable night. Jamie called him and told him that my ex and I had finally split, and he called me up to check in on me. I was flattered and excited when he invited me to a bonfire he was throwing like old times for Halloween.

Jamie was supposed to bring me but had a date come up instead, so I drove myself, and we all rekindled. There were several people there, but at the end of the night, it was just me, Charlie, Jamie and his date whom I can’t remember...Jennifer or Jessie. Anyway, the girl started snoring louder than you can imagine when the three of us were still awake and trying to go to sleep in Charlie’s basement. Jamie randomly said, Oh my God... and we couldn’t stop laughing. That was the beginning of what I call The Three Musketeer phase of our friendship.

Me, Charlie, and Jamie became inseparable for the next few months. And I was the happiest I had been in years. The memories that unfolded were so special to me. It was like I finally got to be a kid, and the best part was, it was innocent fun. We didn’t drink, we didn’t do drugs...the humor may have been a little off-color at times, and we pretty much always stayed out until 2 in the morning, but it was always the best time. It was everything I had missed out on in high school and then some.

I had known that Charlie’s stepmother went to high school with my ex’s mother, so I did warn him that he may end up hearing negative things about me, but nothing seemed to come of that for the first few months. And even if it had, I sensed that Charlie was a true friend who would set the record straight on my behalf.

Jamie and Charlie were very different personalities, but I felt like we all molded together somehow, and I was so grateful to have them by my side. Jamie was the listener; I could vent to him for hours, and he’d put up with every bit of it. He was also the one who would say the most hilarious things when you’d least expect it; his stories (true or not) always had me cracking up. He would zip around town with his ginormous subs in his Suburu WRX and be the goober I always needed to be able to unwind from school and any reminisce of past relational drama with my ex’s family.

We’d come to a red light and blare songs like Take on Me or Jump Around, and it would make my day to see a stranger’s reaction to us expressing our weirdness so shamelessly. To this day, I’m pretty confident that we would gladly get our crazy on at a red light to the same songs right on cue.

And then there was Charlie, in his Chevy, always ready to go off-roading at any time of the day or night. He would say the most outlandish things that would have me laughing when I needed it, too. He also had a love for music and would play guitar and sing, which I thought was cool. He was not the person I would talk to about deep things or anything really outside of in-the-moment stuff, but he had a way about him that kept me on my toes. And my instincts told me he was an awkward but pure soul...kind of like me. He would just show up at my house unannounced and act like he was family, joining in on whatever we were doing. And I loved it.

I loved finally being able to enjoy friendships and laugh so hard that it brought tears to my eyes almost every time we hung out. I loved our adventures. I loved that I no longer felt like a prisoner of so many things that were out of my control. Jamie and Charlie became my daily bliss in some way or another. Inappropriate jokes and all. And I felt a peace in my heart with no strings attached for the first time since we had moved here.

After the Halloween party at Charlie’s with the snorer, we kept at our usual bonfires, going to the movies, and spending time at Charlie’s house or my parent’s house. My 19th birthday was just around the corner, and it was probably to date, one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had at the hands of friends. Charlie had brought Pete, who was going through a rough time (I’ll get into more about him later), and Jamie had picked me up, and we all met at Charlie’s. They bought steaks, canned stuff and things to make a fire, and we all hopped in Charlie’s truck and drove out into the woods through the neighborhood behind his house. The boys built a fire and cooked these steaks with sticks and literally ate them...a few bites, anyway. Their faces were too priceless not to capture with that first bite.

Pete was only with us at the beginning of the night, and then Charlie took him back to his parents and joined us again. I remember them singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me and us laughing a lot that night. Even though I took a hard pass on the steaks, I was so touched that they did that for me. We said a birthday cheers with our glass Colas and went four-wheeling after our fire died down. I was in heaven.

New Boyfriend

A semi-close girlfriend of mine, Jessica, had known that I was single and decided to try and hook me up with one of her friends (Ralph) for a double date. She and her boyfriend had been dating for a minute, and Ralph and Jessica had known each other for at least a year or so before this. We hit it off, and I was so surprised that I was able to feel anything for anyone after just coming out of such a long relationship. But I did. We decided to make it official even with the long-distance dating situation.

He went to school over three hours away, and he was only in town for his Thanksgiving break when we got together originally. Over the coming weeks, we texted and called daily, and when he was home, we went to each other’s houses. And I, of course, introduced him to Jamie and Charlie, whom Jessica also knew from high school.

Lots of fun memories ensued, and I got to the point where I was genuinely so happy that I couldn’t stop singing every time I was alone. I couldn’t believe my life had gone from this dark and dim place for so long to this wide-open space filled with nothing but hope and excitement. I was even managing to make a 4.0 GPA at Westwood...something I never dreamed I’d accomplish. My blank canvas brought me unexplainable joy. I remember pinching myself, thinking, you can’t be this happy...something has to give at some point. I just wish I hadn’t been right.

I remember that I began to get calls from Charlie nearly every day during my first class, and he even showed up on campus one day at random. He managed to find my truck, park by it and wait for the shuttle to come crash a class with me. It made my day that he wanted to spend time with me enough to go through the effort to make it happen...I wasn’t used to that. I also had some mild drama beginning with Ralph as he was ready to move faster than I wanted in our new relationship.

I didn’t feel as strongly for him, mainly because the timing was so short, and I had such a balance in my life...I wasn’t ready to give my whole heart when I was just finding myself again. I wanted to stay in my happy bubble and soak it all up. And I was honest about that when he wanted me to transfer schools within the first few weeks of dating...too much too fast began to creep up on me, and I began to push him away. But, if I’m honest, that wasn’t the only reason I pushed him away.

Complicated

In addition to Ralph being too much too fast and being so easily offended that I wasn’t ready for that much so quickly, I had begun falling for my best friend. And some small part of me thought he was falling for me, too. I had gotten to know Charlie more and more as we spent nearly every day together. Jamie was still with us a lot of the time, too, but Charlie would just show up, and it began to be a comfort to me, knowing he would just be there.

I’ll never forget my chapel credits. I had a few I needed to make up, but they were only available to make up at night. Charlie would have me pick him up from work, and we’d go together so I wouldn’t have to walk in the dark to my car; he’d insist. And it would be hilarious because he’d be dressed to the nines in a suit from his place of work (Jos. A. Bank), and I’d be in sweats and a hoodie. I was always able to be myself with him.

As if that wasn’t enough to start turning my head, there was this one night when he asked me to come by his work to get his credit card and go buy two toys for the Angel Tree because he had just learned it was the last night for donations. He wanted me to get one toy for a boy and one for a girl, and he didn’t want to worry about the expense cap. It began to make my heart melt that he seemed so selfless and pure.

Jamie had admitted he had feelings for me on a couple of occasions prior to Ralph and I becoming a couple, and I was starting to feel like my happy bubble was about to implode with too much emotional turmoil on the rise. I had told Jamie that our friendship was too important to me to risk losing it in a relationship, and he seemed to agree whenever that topic arose the first time. I just didn’t know if he’d be as accepting of my reasoning if he knew that I was falling for Charlie. So, in order to not jeopardize my newfound happiness, I decided to ignore my feelings for Charlie to spare our friendships, and, of course, to preserve my new commitment to Ralph.

While I did genuinely feel the same way about wanting to preserve my friendship with Charlie, hiding my feelings wasn’t easy...the more time we spent together, the more my heart ached to know if he felt the same way. And I began to feel more and more guilty about being in a relationship. I know, total mess. But the first two weeks we were dating, I would happily leave Charlie to go to Ralph’s side of town when he was home, or I’d invite him to come do whatever we were doing. Heck, I remember dropping Charlie off at his truck to go meet Ralph one night because he invited me to ‘pizza night’ with his family. I don’t know...something just changed the more I got to know him and the more I got to know Charlie. And it bothered me. I felt like I made a mistake agreeing to be Ralph’s girlfriend so quickly.

Charlie’s birthday rolled around, and Mom helped me throw him a party at our house. We got him a cake, pizza, balloons, and a ton of silly string that we attacked him with. We had a blast, and I could tell it meant a lot to him in his way. After we finished having cake, he wanted to go to this beautiful hotel that had a gorgeous Christmas light display. It was a popular place to go in our city, and this was the first time I had ever been. It was me, Jamie, and Charlie’s friend Daniel. He drove us in my car...he always drove even if we were in my SUV. We blared music that I can still hear to this day in my mind when I think back on how special that night felt.

After the hotel lights, we went to this giant arcade and took silly pictures, and then he wanted to drive us out to Infinite Circle, where he said his dad proposed to his stepmom. It was a pretty hilltop where you could see a full skyline view of our city. The music we listened to on the way home was slower, deeper, and I felt so full of joy to be right in the moment where I was...utterly happy. Even with how stupid and silly we were 90 percent of the time, there was always this 10 percent where things felt as real as the lyrics we listened to. Nights like that led my heart to believe that we’d have each other’s backs forever.

The next morning, Charlie was his usual obnoxious self and had shown up at my parent’s house unannounced when I was still in my PJs. He got himself a bowl of cereal and literally invited himself to join mom and me at the movies. He seemed to make her laugh, too.

After we got home, she needed us to run to the store to get stuff for dinner (which we assumed he would be staying for at this point). We hopped in his truck and went off to the store, but on the way there, in front of my parents’ neighborhood, there was a new development in process across the street. He floored it over there, and we went mudding. There wasn’t one inch of his