Becoming The Inner Child: The Inner Child, #1

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UGH.  The sun is so bright. I just want five more minutes to sleeeeeep.... Leyah! Get up little girl, we are not sleeping our whole day away, we have things to get done. I rolled somberly out of my bed. I am at my Meme’s house. It always smells funny here. To my four-year-old self her home always smells like Alka-Seltzer, and her face scrubs. Some nights when she would apply her face scrub, she would playfully rub a little bit on my nose, we would both giggle and I would always run out and show her husband my Pap-pap. He unfailingly always laughs and leans back like he is shocked and says, Who are you?!? Where is my little Leyah? I go back to Meme, and she cleans my face as we all laugh. Sometimes she laughs.

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I watch as she lays across her bed and reads her bible. Sometimes she sings to me, other nights she tells me stories. If I allow her to peacefully read her bible first. She is a deeply religious woman. I always knew my Pap-pap was not though. However, he still respected her choice and never said anything to her. He made sure she had gas to go to church on and even when she got a speeding ticket or a ticket for her famous California Rolls {not completely stopping at stop signs}, he made sure they were paid in full by the end of the week. How many times I wished I could have stayed home with him instead of going to church, getting pinched for moving too much, or going to a Sunday school class where I was looked at funny for whatever reason. I never really felt comfortable there. Not sure why but it always bothered me going with her.

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I always had fun with Pap-pap rather it was going to a store or running errands with him. No matter what, we always had a blast together. If I did not sleep in my room at their house, I slept in his room with him. When I did, he would say, Ok little Ley-Ley crawl up here and lay against my back. Your body heat helps my back so I can sleep. It was my favorite place to sleep. I always felt so safe and protected. For hours he would I would restlessly ask him random questions, he would answer most of them. Then it was, Leyah, go to sleep please. We have things to do tomorrow and you're going to be tired. If you don’t go to sleep in here you will have to go get in your bed. I laid most nights trying to count imaginary sheep or cows jumping over the moon.

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When I started school and would ride the bus to their house, he always had a snack waiting for me. One day I went in and Pap-pap said to come outside, he had a surprise for me. When I came out, he had his hands behind his back. He told me to close my eyes, which I did. When he said to open them, I was so excited to see a beautiful black and white puppy. I named her Boots after I examined her for a few minutes. She was black with what looked like little white boots on all four paws. Hence her name. We were best friends for almost 2 years before she died giving birth to her first litter. While feeding her babies she was snake bit on one of her paws. Unfortunately, it was too late by the time we found her the next day. Before that though about a week or two after getting her my Pap-pap started putting up a chicken coop. At the time, I was a little confused about why we had to put up a second one.

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However, I was raised that I was a child and to stay in my place, so I never asked why. I just assumed I was going to find out soon enough anyway. That I did, the next day we went to this little store in the next town and got hens and chicks. I was in love with the chicks. Soon after, my Pap-pap and I went into the woods on their property and dug about a four foot by six-foot hole. I watched as he laid a tarp in it and lined it with big rocks. After he connected, I know fifteen water hoses {ok maybe not that many but it seemed like it}, he filled the hole with water. He did tell me as soon as it was full, I could jump in, that it was my new pool. I do not think I have ever been so excited except for when I got Boots and the baby chicks. I had to be careful though seeing how it was lined up in rocks, but I had the best time ever in that little pool.

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Other than the little plastic pools our dollar store sold I had never had a pool. That summer we also planted a small garden behind their house. I could not wait to get a hold of freshly grown strawberries and watermelon and honestly, I could not even begin to remember everything we planted that year. I remember they had a blueberry bush growing between the back of their house and our garden. Meme was always after me to stop eating all the ripe blueberries because she never had enough for a pie.

As much as I loved my time with my Meme and Pap-pap. I desperately could not wait to be back with my mom. She worked a lot as a single mom. Which is why I had spent so many years staying with them. I rarely went home. Which was part of why I loved going home so much. Other than the fact that I finally got to see my mommy. With my mom I was always safe. Never felt like anything would happen to that was not supposed to.

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This is where if you are too tender hearted you may want to reconsider finishing this book because what you just read is the happiest, innocent, and purest days of my childhood. I warn you now, what is too come will be an emotional rollercoaster. One ride I was not prepared for at the age of four. I was about to embark on a journey in life that I wouldn’t understand for years to come. I would question so much and at times my own existence.

By the end of summer, my little pool had dried up from the southern heat. Pap-pap had gone and covered it with a tarp and laid large rocks on the edges of it. I remember the morning it all started. I was in my room I had used a lamp, a mirror, some plastic {God only knows where I found it}, and I had found an erasable marker {blue} in one of Pap-pap’s drawers. Do not judge me, I found it helping him put his clothes away. Plus, I had already asked him, and told him why I had wanted it. To which he chuckled and said even then I had a creative mind. He told me when I got it set up, he wanted to see. So, I went to my room and found an old record player, found some old records in milk creates. Once I set up the record player on a small table next to my only window on the outside wall of my room. I put on a record. It was an Elvis Presley record, it featured, I ain’t nuttin’ but a Hound dog. I took the other records out and laid them on the floor next to the table with the record player. I took both crates, turned them on their sides, laid the plastic on them, placed the little face mirror on floor under it, and placed the lamp beside it and took the shade off. Once I got the mirror positioned exactly right it worked exactly like the projectors, I seen my teachers use.

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I called Pap-pap into my room and showed him how it worked. His face lit up as he smiled ear-to-ear. He was so amused and intrigued at how I had it set up. He was ecstatic about how his little friend could produce something so advanced. After that he had to go tell Meme. Who was not so enthused that I had rummaged through their stuff and made such a mess in my room. Eye roll. Pap-pap and I just snickered. Then my cousin, Seth, who I had just recently met. Came to my room to see what all the commotion was about. He too was intrigued and amused at my little set up.

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So, I sat there, content and entertained for hours after that. Later my cousin came to my door and knocked. I told him to come in. He asked if I wanted to go for a walk with him. Since I was informed after he got there that he would be staying a while with us, I figured a walk to get to know him would not be that bad. So, we told Meme that we were going outside she said just be back before dinner. Which was in an hour. We said yes ma’am and walked out the door. He led me to the path to the pool and we continued to walk. When we reached the pool, he uncovered it halfway and told me to get in. I looked at him for what seemed like forever before he finally spoke and said to pretend, we are playing a game. A war game and we are hiding in a bunker to get away from the bombs and bullets. My stomach churned, but reluctantly I slid under the tarp.

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Once he was in, he covered us up under the tarp. He smiled and said, Ok, pretend you can hear our soldiers yelling, bombs landing, shaking the ground. Dirt hitting the tarp. Do you hear it? I nodded, still confused but slowly becoming amused by the game. He flinched beside me and looked terrified and whispered, Oh man someone is coming, do you hear them? It’s the enemy close your eyes and lay very still do not make a sound. Soon I felt his hand over my mouth, I flinched but did not make a peep as I had been instructed not to. He whispered, Do not say anything they will hear us. Just relax and stay still and do as I say. It will all be over in a minute. As I laid there his hand on my mouth, my eyes closed, I could feel his other hand. Moving up and down my body. I was scared, I wanted to scream but I was frozen in fear. He whispered again, Don’t tell anyone about what’s fixing to happen, or I’ll come back and hurt you." I nodded. His hand come off my mouth as he used both hands to slide my pants and panties off and slide up my shirt. I laid there motionless.

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Scared of his threat. What scared me more was as he entered my body and from what I vaguely remember because I seemed to be going in and out of consciousness as my vision blurred in and out and my vision seemed to grow black and come back. He seemed to be enjoying what he was feeling. I. Was numb. I felt nothing. I no longer felt his hands on me. When I visually seen his mouth on my chest. I did not feel a thing. Eventually as he was sliding my pants back up, I felt like I was coming out of a slumber sleep. He was rushing me saying Meme was calling for us. He pulled me out from under the tarp and was basically dragging me through the woods down the path, back to the house. As we came back into view of the house, and I could hear meme screaming our names. I knew we were in trouble, and I knew, just knew in the pit of my stomach, Seth would blame me. As he did. His excuse was we were playing a game in the back of the woods and did not hear her calling me and somehow, he managed to convince her I just wanted to pretend we did not hear her so we could keep playing.

Meme spanked me for ignoring her, because I of all people know better than to ignore her. I resented my cousin for that. I barely touched my dinner. For which I was scolded by Meme and Pap-pap stopped her and told her something was wrong with me. Seth tapped my arm and gave me a remember what I said look. I knew not to say anything. I dropped my head and told everyone I did not feel good, I just wanted to go to bed. My head hurt and so did my heart. The longer Isat there I wanted to cry. Meme ordered me to go to my room, change my clothes, say prayers, and go to bed. Pap-pap sorrowfully looked at me and said as softly as possible, Go on little Ley-Ley, and Pap-pap will be in here shortly to tuck you in. I did as he asked. Honestly, I just wanted him to hold me.

Once I had changed, said my prayers, and crawled into bed, as I listened to Meme and Pap-pap shout at each other, he eventually came in and asked if I was ok. I sat up, looked at him trying not to break down and cry, remembering my cousins’ threat and nodded. He sat down beside me and lifted my small face in his hands and asked me one more time what was wrong with me. All I could say was I felt sick, I was hungry, I felt dirty, and scared. He lifted me out of bed and took me to the bathroom. He started some bath water, as it hit the right temperature, he plugged the tub and let it start filling. He looked at me with sad eyes and gently said, Get undressed, I will not touch you, I am going to get you some clothes. When I come back to shut the water off, I want you to close the curtain, ok? It was different because I trusted him so much it never made a difference before and still almost did not, but for some reason, at that moment I felt relieved. I got undressed after I heard the click as the door shut and got into the bath and shut the curtain immediately.

He came back a few minutes later and told me he had some hominy cooking for me; to just