~Ravenpuff

I blame people like Korby and MutedHands with their activity on xitter, cuz I’m not even a Sonic the Hedgehog fan yet just woke up from a crazy dream with the cast in it.

It followed Shadow having to run a store for card games as some sort of rehabilitation project, and absolutely hating it cuz the nerds showing up were all rude and self important about their “power levels” in this card game thing.

Sonic and friends would encourage Shadow to try get into the game himself just to enjoy his predicament better, but is not going easy.

Things start to get out of hand where it leads to catastrophic consequences, but that’s when this mysterious new character would start to show up. I have no idea what animal she is, but she has wings and would appear out of nowhere, hold up a device in her hand and call out “rewind” as she presses a button. And everything rewinds back to before the catalyst for the chaos, no one remembering what happened yet Instinctively taking a different action or choice that leads to a better outcome.

This keeps happening and Tails starts to notice this odd feeling of deja-vu and catching sight of an odd figure just out of the corner of his eye. Trying to draw this mysterious figure in his notes about these observations, that he shares with Sonic.

Next time chaos ensues and this mystery angel shows up to rewind, Sonic is fast enough to reach and grab her while everyone else are getting rewinded.

The angel pops out of their regular plane as usual but now with Sonic in tow, in absolute panic cuz this ain’t supposed to happen. Regular mortals ain’t supposed to pop along into different planes beyond their comprehension.

And Sonic’s is just like “… Cool. Getting a headache, but kinda cool. Sooo.. WHAT are you?”

And the angel is just busy panicking trying figure out how to fix THIS mess cuz rewind won’t work between different planes. And she REALLY doesn’t want to get into trouble for messing up things.



.. Aand that’s as much I remember from the parts that were comprehensive story telling of last night’s dream.

Crazy. Like, seriously, I’m no Sonic fan. Anything I know about Sonic is all from osmosis by following people who are big fans.

Sigh, back at it again with the doom prophecies people have for this site after what happened to its owner.

Still not going back to DeviantArt but I need a site where I can archive my art, preferably with options to sort in folders like here on FA.
Just in case this site really will have to close down eventually, so I don't lose too much stuff.

Blegh

Anyone knowing of any options?"

Update on the walker chronicles

A friend seeing on Facebook about my rejection of getting a walker by the state, contacted me to let me know her inlaws had an old walker standing around they wanted rid of anyway.

Is old, a bit rusty, need the breaks checked, no basket and not too practical the way it folds.

But absolutely top notch for a free tool for support gifted so generously! It fits my size as far I can tell and the wheels run smoothly.

Is more to practice walker usage on more than anything. As a birthday gift my Mom told me she and my grandmother were going to donate some money each to help me afford a proper walker from new, from a reputable store. She'll even come along to help me work my way through the process.

Both been absolutely great to cheer me up after the original rejection. Along with the many comments and messages from everyone wishing to show support and share advice on the matter. I feel very blessed being surrounded by so many kind and generous people, both online and offline.

Thank you, everyone

Welp, my request for a walker was denied after the lady watched me walk to the grocery store once on a good day with my cane and I told her getting the walker now was for preventional purposes, to get used to it BEFORE things gets worse.

Granted I just spent the last two days crippled in bed for no reason, but what do I know.

Really is on me for hyping myself up, thinking a good positive vibe at the meeting meant a positive outcome for my request. I really don’t have the money to invest in a walker on my own right now, turns out disability pension dun pay that much and you don’t exactly have much options for a pay raise. Still got bills and rent to use it on first.

And I only do voluntary work cuz anything that pays require a schedule I can’t promise to stick to, with how unstable my health is.

All I can do is do my best with commissions but I tend to spend my PP money on donations and charity instead of a second income.

Just venting, I still got it relatively well compared to a lot of other people in my situation. I still live in a country with free healthcare that ensures I got a comfortable living situation.

A walker was the only other thing I’ve ever requested from the state to help with my condition, besides rent support. I can still request again should I feel my condition has changed enough to warrant for better better evidence second time around.. but again, the point was to obtain a secondary tool for support BEFORE things get that much worse..

Because if I have to push myself that far first that it’ll be ‘visibly acceptable’… it gonna hurt. Reall’ bad, and I don’t like that. That’s why I asked for the walker NOW! To prevent that!

Urgh, just ranting.

Due to my fibromyalgia, I use a cane for mobility aid. Meant to help me preserve my energy when I go out, the longer I stay on my feet the more it exhausts me even if we only talk minutes.

Even on outings where full fatigue is not a risk, I also have the cane to help adjust my feet and walk properly. I'm hyper flexible in my ankles which has caused some minor issues over the years, but today mixing with the fibro, it has given me an on-off limping I'm very self conscious about. The cane helps me to walk correctly, or when fatigue makes it too hard to hide, the cane makes it excusable to walk weird. Walking with a weird limp without a cane makes me feel judged, while a cane shows it is a medical issue and excuses it.

I don't use the cane in my own home, unless I have guests over that I wish to conceal my limping from, I bring the came where ever I go now, for mentioned above reasons, but aware I don't always NEED it. Working on my self esteem I have been showing trust in family by leaving my cane to the side when visiting them. When not out in public, I'm not as ashamed of my limping.

Additional note, I've never received comments or judgement about my limping, is just my own social anxiety making me so self conscious about it.

But on occasions.. when in the privacy of my own home, I need the cane. I hate when my legs get so weak, that I need a cane to walk a few meters to the kitchen for a glass of water. I hate how the limping ads to my exhaustion from fibro. I hate having to use the cane outside the usual perimeters. Because it shows a growth in my sickness, that I cannot escape.

I fear a day the cane won't be enough. That I'll have to give in, and upgrade to much more visible mobility aid. A walker or wheelchair might be in my future one day. I'm already limited to so much as is, but the further limitations that change will bring..

And recently I was struck by a terrifying realization. Currently I can keep up with friends and family on outings because they are all having children. Pregnant people or adults with infants and toddlers are slowed down significantly, for the needs of their children.

But one day those children will grow up, big enough to set a much faster pace. And I've been struck by the fear of being left behind by then, especially if my conditions still worsens.

I don't seek motivational words or speeches, I don't look for rolemodels 'showing how it's done', that the only limitations of disability is what I set myself and blah blah. There are realities one must face. Not everyone has an ever running spring of will and strength to pull from, ESPECIALLY when disabled.

I can admit I'm afraid without needing being comforted. Is just facing up about parts of my reality so many don't have to face themselves.

I know my family would never leave me behind. So far I've lost no one to my disability, only met understanding and support. I'm not being babied either, as during get togethers they plan for tasks they know I can handle, so I'm still part of everything. I know how lucky I am, having so much support in my life.

It'll never erase the natural fear and worry that comes with limitations and facing up to what one used to take for granted. And what you know people around you still take for granted. It'll never be rid of the mourning one feel, for the life you can no longer live the way you once did.

Just thoughts I felt a need to share. All spurred on by the last couple of days of on-off needing to use my cane in my own home, knowing it's a sign how bad things are getting. But I also know it's not all bad. I still have a stable life, I'm still functional and able to live in my own. The limitations grow, but only ever so slowly, so I'll merely take it as a reminder to enjoy the moments of now.

It's scary to realize the new levels of "normal" to my every day life, compared to the past. But looking too far ahead into an unknown future is no help today.

Thank you for reading, as I share my thoughts.

Last night I had a pretty scary experience and still unsure what happened or why.

Just any other day, just doing my thing as I draw the day's daily doodle. Just as I finish scanning and upload I notice a little dot in my vision, much like them light spots so I don't think much of it though I don't recall having looked into any lights to cause it. Oh well.

It doesn't go away and I start noticing it has changed shape. Amusing myself over it starting to look like amongus in shape, lol.

It's growing, starting to become a bit of an annoyance for me vision. I question where it's from, again I'm pretty sure I didn't look into my lamp to cause it.

Yeah it's definitely growing. And the outline around it is getting an odd zigzaggy lightning effect that really disturbs my vision.

It starts blocking my vision more and more. I can't see. Not completely blinded, I won't walk into any walls, but I can't see details or what my hands are doing. Trying to look anything up online I can't read. I'm fighting the urge to panic, trying to keep calm and just wait it out.

Finally it goes away, seemingly just grown so large the worst disturbance, the flickering outline, is now only in the corners of my eyes. Bit by bit my vision go back to normal and I can resume my night.

I have no frigging clue what that was about, I just hope it doesn't happen again.

Commissions are OPEN once again

Yo, a friend on tumblr found the breaks on her car broke at the worst time (luckily no worse accidents)

But fixing the breaks alone is still a tall order because of the amount the workshop need for it

So if you got a handful of change you can throw her way through her Ko-Fi that would be grand!

>>> Buy Dana-Chan a Ko-Fi for her breaks! <<<

I only got one. Everything else I could possibly think of are all goals already existing for years and that'll take years of ups and downs anyway.

What I want to actively improve on is to catch up on my reading.

Recently I realized the reason for how far I fell back on reading compared to how I used to, was cuz for years I heavily relied on public transport to and from work and/or school, recess and breaks.

Once I had to give up work due to chronic illness I lost a lot of the typical reading time I so heavily relied on. Attempts to just sit down and read at home too often lead to me falling asleep into a nap due to the chronic fatigue. Or I felt forced to focus on more "practical" things I needed done while I could still stay awake and focused.

Or pain was just too distracting to focus on reading.

I'll try to make up for it, for I do miss reading and keeping up with a good story, whether it be a physical book, ebook or a fanfic.

I'm still finding the balance in new routines after having to retire at the age of 35, moving back to my home region to be close to family and find things to do, to keep from just curling up into a ball and give up. Gotta keep moving, gotta keep whatever levels of activity I still got left. No reasons to make all that NY resolutions, had to work on that anyway, and will hafta keep on either way until I die.

So Imma just note I wanna read again. And see where it goes.



I hope ya'll had a happy holidays, whatever you celebrate or if you don't, may you have had a blessed time. May the new year have mercy on us all, and just know - No matter what, I'm proud of you.

This week be last chance to get in on a commission slot or YCH, for this year.

After the 17th I'll close up shop until some point into 2024, just a heads up

My Commission price list
Current YCH

Enjoy!

I get so frustrated at my own productivity, yet I know I already do more than plenty and have no reason to push myself.

I get daily doodles done, I get commissions done timely, I keep my apartment clean, I get embroidery projects worked on to gift family, I bake, I cook, I go out, I see friends and family.

Yet I only keep it to a surface level, because I have to preserve my energy, fatigue always looming, the pain and soreness never far away. I cannot be inactive, if I stop or give up I'll be giving into the chronic illness and only make it worse.

Yet it's never enough to feel naturally tired, to get a healthy rest through a night's sleep. My brain never fully turn off, my body shakes, and I hallucinate people present asking me if everything is okay just so I can tell them that no I'm not doing okay. Yet I am. Cuz I can't give up.

I am doing okay.

I am just tired but never able to fully rest. I'm sore, always on the brink of chronic pain. All the extra things I used to be able to do, just out of reach. I have all the time in the world but not the ability to properly use it and I know that thought is bs.

I'm doing enough. I just have to keep going. Is just so tiring to know this is my new normal. It feels like the marker for normal is always moving to the worse bit by bit, but all I can do is keep on going.

I wanna prove I can live on my own, that I can take care of myself. I have proven I can reach out when needing help, and I can give back for everything people do for me. I might be harsh on me but I know I can always be harsher, and I could be too lenient too. I need to push myself just enough to keep going, stopping only makes it harder to get moving again.

I just needed to vent a bit. Living with chronic illness is a bitch. I wish you all that rest of 2023 is gentle on you, no matter what you are going through. Your struggles are valid, never compare them. Just know I love you and know you can go through it. We all can, together.

Praying for a gentle 2024

Not done Sexy Saturday in ages and curious what audience I got at this point

So drop Sexy Suggestions and let me know what fandom, characters and OC's you might see in it just for ideas, when I got time for it.

Plz look at front page of my account and appreciate how nice it looks with matching banner and icon and everything, I'm very happy with it

Thanks

Now Officially retired on disability pension.

Went through much faster than expected, thought I had two months to get used to the thought and instead was approved in only two weeks.

Still stings losing my dream job that I worked so hard for, all my exams and papers now useless as my time now is to be focused on my health. To be functional in my everyday life without sacrificing that for work instead.

Next big hurdle is to plan the move back to my home region. To get closer to my family. Only moved to this region for my workplace, which is a moot point now. Now I just wanna be near family, especially my nieces and nephews. To be the best auntuncle I can be!

Building up a new life around not working gonna take some adjustments, but got my hobbies, friends and family to help fill out that void. All for the better, I just never planned to retire at age 34, ya know?

Welp, just an update on life and stuff.

Welp, time for some quick status updating.

J-PopCon in Copenhagen is next week already! I’ll be there in my bat hoodie, gushing over all the amazing stuff in artist alley.

Now for the more serious stuff.

Had the finale meeting today about my future according to what the state can offer. I’m approved to have my case moved on to the retirement department, to request disability pension.

Been long time coming, so I’ve had the time to accept I can’t keep down a job with the way fibromyalgia treats my health and stability.

I’ve had the greatest team possible working on my case, covering all bases, to ensure this decision would be made smoothly with no issue. Can’t thank them enough for the help and support through it all.

Been a few years of fighting my old GP to see any specialists that could help find out what was wrong with me, getting a diagnosis through the right channels, struggling with keep working despite my condition worsening, getting forced off work onto sick leave for the sake of my health, struggle to try get back to work to prove myself, the stress and anxiety from failing, going through the process through state and medical staff, up until now.

Now... I wait. Should take 2-3 months to finally get the last approval through. No more meetings to explain and retell my story.

Once it’s finally done and over, I can finally plan to move back to my home region and finally live near my family again.

One heck of a ride.

Just a lil ramble I need to do, enjoy the wall of text, yo


How we view our own arts are often time as our own worst critics. And it comes in many layers. No matter how amazing an artist is, you'll often see them complain how their piece never turn out exactly how they want to. We see artists compare themselves to others who are just as critical of their own art. We see people openly cringe at their older art, from before their current levels of improvement. We see people act like people with more experience than them just means they are naturally more talented and not merely more practiced. And don't forget those people always mentioned incredibly talented artists who are younger than themselves while showing a different skill level.

How we view our own art always differs in many ways. One in particular that makes cringe at our own work, is our own expectations. We view the world around us and can't help but compare. We view so many styles we can't help getting inspired and think up ideas from all these influences and get upset when the resulting piece doesn't match the mental image, because we were stuck in a different style than we are practiced in, when thinking up the idea.

Why am I rambling about this? Because I've noticed a change in my own view as of late. I still see all the flaws in my art, I still note how the results differs from the original idea.
Yet.
I love looking at my own art.

I love staring at anything new I've created and just go "Wow, I made that." In no means to be full of myself, but to be appreciative of what I'm able to do. I have no reason to compare myself to other artists. They work through different mediums and styles they trained up to do differently from what I can do. And vice versa. Are there things I wish I could do too? Oh yes, absolutely. Only solution is to get off my lazy arse and actually learn it, take the time to practice. If I'm not willing to do that, then why whine about it? Just enjoy what others create and admire the work they put into something they so eagerly share with everyone.

Art is such a beautiful medium and I love how I'm part of it.
I'll even look up my old art to enjoy and go "Wow, I made that years ago. I was at that artistic level back then," because sure it's a vast difference in skill than I have now, but I still remember the praise and joy that came from sharing that art back then. I remember the characters and stories behind each piece, that makes it all a special part of my journey. I remember each step in honing my skills and adjusting my style. The jumps I had to make between fandom interests, change in fixations and what sources I had for inspiration and references.

All culminating to what I can do now. Every new piece I make, I enjoy looking at. Even despite the mistakes and flaws I see and recognize, they are all just little whoopsies I'll know to look out for better next time. I love uploading my art on different platforms because I get to look at that new piece a few extra times for a purpose. I love getting comments cuz I get to skip back to the art to look at it again real' quick before replying. I like looking up my own art real' quick to share again on discord for old references and jokes being brought up again, or to use as reference when drawing a continuation.

Maybe it's a result of forced hiatus and art breaks due to my health, where I just got so desperate to draw again that I'm just so grateful I love everything I create, now I can draw once more. Maybe part of re-uploading tons of old art onto this site when I abandoned DeviantART, letting me on a journey down memory lane to really appreciate all I've made to make it to where I am now. Maybe it's just the maturity of growing old.
I dunno. Whatever it is, I find it welcoming.

Just... relaxing and enjoying what I can make, stressing less over how bad or good it is. I have no tricks or tips to reach so appreciation of your own art, but I wish it upon everyone I know as well as everyone else! Yeah we are our own worst critics to push ourselves to keep learning and better ourselves even more. But we should also just go "wow, I really made that" no matter the skill levels we demand of ourselves. It makes it so much more fun to create, when we can also just enjoy it.
Far too many whine how they hate their art and skill level, people who keep comparing themselves to others with different styles, who gets a complex whenever someone younger is shown as more successful.. And that's valid. You cannot just turn a switch in your brain and magically change how you view these things. But maybe take a few moments to sit down and just go "Wow.. I really made that" without all the comparison, now and again.
Instead of cringing at your old art, agree with yourself there will always be people still going "Wow, that's so cool" when they see it even today. And know it was all part of the journey to how you draw and create now.

Just something I wanted off my chest for a while, admitting to some self love I'm very grateful for. Art is amazing, and you are all amazing too, so keep at it!

Welp, had a meeting with my case worker to discuss my future now my contract officially out and I’m proper unemployed and stuck on sick leave on support from the state.

Due to the unstable nature of my condition, was decided I should go on disability pension, since I can’t stay functional enough to keep a job even on just a few hours a week. The wonders of fibromyalgia once it starts getting bad. Takes too long to recover and is too easy to fall back down to zero again.

But is a long process to get approved for early retirement. So I’ll only get any results on whether or not I’m approved at some point in 2023.

Wonderful.

For now all I need to focus on is recovery and try rebuild some functionality that doesn’t come with pain and fatigue, rather than worry about anything else. I just wanna make sure I can still function living on my own, not be a burden.. and get back to do the things I enjoy, like drawing. But all that is only gonna happen in babysteps.

And can’t move back to my home region until the full process with the pension thing has gone through. Cuz moving region means starting over from scratch when it comes to the bureaucracy of it all.

Been a rough day, I spent most of it moping in bed after that, cuz my emotional state ALSO triggers my physical symptoms. The wonders of a broken nervous system misreading brain signals as if it was a sport at the Olympics.

I’m just mopey cuz the plan always been to try get back to work again, but is now officially not gonna happen. Maybe I can luck out in enough years to get a more stable functionality to do something akin work again. But that’s currently not the goal anymore, and that requires some rewiring in my brain for how I was planning things. I’m only 34.

I know I’m blessed living in a country with free healthcare to support cases like me and ensure I got a life worth living despite my losses. I just wishes to stay being the one providing to society, to help others rather than be the one accepting the help. But that’s a me-problem to work on. The human mind truly is a dumb wonder.

Just a lil update on things and to help myself put it better to words as I restack the goals and feelings in my head.

Thanks for reading.

Learned a valuable lesson that prolonged heat like a frigging heatwave created by climate change to haunt areas not built for such temperatures, also doubles as the perfect trigger for fibromyalgia symptoms.

No wonder all of last week felt just horrible, culminating into me being completely crippled and stuck in bed all of yesterday due to fatigue and chronic pain.

We are having a lil breather from the heat now after the temperatures dropped to 17C after passing 30C a few days ago.

But temperatures already be climbing up again and I should probably call my doc Monday about getting some heavier pain meds to prepare for more summer fun with chronic illness.

Just a lil update on health and stuff. Not much else to report when health is taking up most of my waking hours.

Still miss drawing so bad.

Been off to see family this weekend. See my baby niece and how much she has grown. Just hang out with people and get myself away from my phone and computer cuz rest of the time I’m left alone cuz I live so far away. We even went to a Medieval Fair and a haunted castle.

I knew I would come out of it incredibly sore and fatigued once back home, but definitely worth it.

Did come with a lot of introspective too, cuz was first time really facing my family after openly reporting on my current status with fibromyalgia since the last downward spiral in health.

Being chronic middle child was a bit jarring with all the attention. And a sense of confused panic in me from all the promises of help I was given.

I’m not used to let others help me. I’m more used to be the helper myself. The assistant, the pack mule, the supplies runner, the comforter, the quiet one trying their hardest to not take up more space than ‘earned’.

Getting a big reminder that changed A LOT now, even if I do recover I can’t expect to return to any old normal, only hope to stabilize. And as much as I know everyone means well, I have a strong suspicion not all promises will be kept, least of all once the novelty of chronic illness wears off.

So, just a lot of things I have to work on unlearning from myself, while adjusting expectations as well. Once everything settled healthwise and whatever the state figures is best for me if I can’t work, I’ll be moving back to my home region to at least be close to my family again. That alone is a lot to juggle with, so I rather just focus on one step at a time and just try not push myself in the process.

Just a lil update on things.

Also my grandmother provided me a full starter kit to decoupage after hearing I haven’t been able to draw for weeks now cuz of what the fm is doing to my limbs. Might give it a try once I’ve recovered from the trip and family gathering.

We seen the usual gag of "After Pride Month it should be Wrath Month" and so on, while we shouldn't forget the importance of Disability Pride Month in July either. But I think we also do need a moment to consider the rage that comes with disability too.

A semi venting and just sharing my thoughts on the subject



We are all people with a full range of emotion, chronic illness and disability isn't just sadness, pain, bravery and so on with what's usually used to depict different conditions that limits one's abilities.

Rage and anger is still very much a part of it too.

Whether it's anger at one self for being 'broken', anger at the known cause to one's condition, rage at a broken system or individuals making things harder than necessary. It's not just sadness or hurt or about being positive and brave. Gotta recognize anger is an emotion too.

It's not always a righteous rage, it can't always fuel someone to 'try harder' or 'do better' and so on. Often time it can be an impotent anger, because you cannot use it beside feel it and let it pass.

Sometimes you CAN use it for something. But not always.

I still wake up some days to realize, today I'm just angry. I'm angry at the memories from a 2 year battle with a GP who refused to take me seriously. While any other member of medical expertise listened to me, the one who had the power to keep me from getting help I needed - was the one using that power by simply ignoring me and whatever anyone else said.

To a point that when I broke down crying in their office, they literally told me "I know it doesn't work that way, but when you feel sad like this just try and think happy thoughts."

I changed GP since, I'm listened to now, I'm getting support and treatment. That one person can't hurt me anymore. But I'm still angry. And you don't need to link me to that clip from The Golden Girls. I've seen it and yes. It's just like that. Except I'll never get the satisfaction of saying those words to my old GP. I'll never get to teach that person how much they hurt me and probably still are hurting others like me.

And it leaves me angry, with impotent rage.

The only good thing it does, is I have a focus point for my anger. Instead of being angry at myself for not being healthy and normal, my anger is pointed at a person whose face I don't even remember anymore. The anger and rage, the feeling of hurt, never goes away for good.

And its intensity and source differs from person to person. Is an emotion worth recognizing as much as the sadness, the anxiety, the hope, and so many other feelings that feels so intense the more you have to battle.

It'll lie dormant and sometimes just awaken.

Just some thoughts I wanted to share in this year's #DisabilityPrideMonth, as my contribution. Many people deal with rage for different reasons. In different ways. And that's just how it is, sometimes. Just like any other emotion.

Thanks for reading.

So, after slow months of showing recovery, not too long ago it suddenly all dropped back to zero. All it took was seemingly a couple of days sick with daycare plague provided by my baby niece, and I lost all my recovery I worked so hard for in my battle with chronic illness.

Would not recommend fibromyalgia to anyone.

Tried going back down in hours at work rather than go back to full time sick leave again, but stubbornness alone isn’t enough to help on a health issue.

The other day I had another meeting with my consultant and my supervisor and we all agreed I had struggled enough. I had nothing to prove other than the will to keep working cannot push a failing body forever. Best every party involved I gave up on keeping a physically draining work position in a career that’ll always be physical labor oriented.

Just signed the paper today that shows it is a mutual agreement, I’m not quitting and they are not firing me for being sick. We merely agree is best for everyone I leave. I get my benefits and liquidation, they got their back free in case anyone questions I’m not staying after fighting illness so long.

I gave at least 7 years of my life to that place. I started in apprenticeship to learn the trade, I had the education behind me to show my dedication. It was my life and identity, and that was part of my downfall because that only made me push myself for too long to stay, when my symptoms became more and more insistent.

Now I’m back to focus on recovery to at least be functional. Can’t even draw right now, due to the pain and trembling in hands and arms. Even that was something I pushed, as art is my way of expression.

I’m lucky living in Denmark, I have all the safety nets I can hope for as I focus on health. My contract doesn’t fully expire until August and thanks to the state’s support, I’ll still receive full payment until then.

I’ll be in process still to figure out something else for me with help from the many wonderful people working the system to help people like me. It has been brought up more than once that maybe, just maybe, I should consider disability pension at this point. But that’s still up in the air until I’ve talked in full with my case worker.

I won’t be in any dire situation economically, but I still got a lot of struggle ahead to focus on getting better and functional again. Future is rather unknown and scary. But I know I won’t be left to struggle on my own. Just gotta take it one day at a time.

So yeah, on art break again, dunno how long.

As with many chronic illnesses, Fibromyalgia can hit anyone at any time. And the cause is not one easily pointed out beyond theories. Just as it is a difficult condition to diagnose as it does not appear in blood samples or other physical examples.

Why it in many cases can be very difficult to get properly diagnosed or even taken seriously.

I fought tooth and nail with my GP for two years before I could get taken serious enough to see the specialists I needed to finally get diagnosed. And even after that, MY GP continued to refuse to take me serious.

To a point I broke down crying in their office and then literally saying “I know it doesn’t work that way, but when you feel sad like this, just think happy thoughts,” and made it clear they wanted me out of their office.

Luckily I have a new doctor now who actually cares and listen, who takes it serious and openly admit when something is out of their expertise, but understands they don’t need to understand my condition when all I need is my GP’s stamp to be send on to those who knows everything I need.

I’m blessed to live in a place with free healthcare and social support system paid by my taxes. Without the support system I would have been so much worse off today than I am. I get the help I need, the treatments possible, the time without having to worry about job and/or rent. I am blessed and I know it.

Fibromyalgia, or any chronic illness, is a different yet similar story for many people. We each have our struggles and experiences unique to us, while still facing many a things from it that we can all nodding agreeingly to,

This is just my personal experienced condensed down heavily to as few sentences as possible, A life long struggle I will have with me to the end. The hardest part being to just find recognition what was wrong.

Others have struggled less, many many many more struggled much worse and still are.

Be kind and empathetic. Just because it is an illness you can’t see on an x-ray doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. You can never feel another’s physical pain, nor the toll it has on their mind. It is real and many still suffers from not getting the diagnoses they need, to get the help required to make things just a little easier.

I’m just rambling to share my thoughts on this day for awareness on the condition I share with many, yet feels like I suffer with on my own far too often when it’s at its worst.

So send a happy thought to those who needs the support and learn about the illnesses around you, that you cannot see or feel yourself. Understanding and support is the best help to offer.

Happy International Fibromyalgia Day

Woke up this morning with the words "Is all the little things" in my head like someone had whispered them in my ear as a threat.

The sense of amnesia as I try to remember backwards whatever dream I had to lead to that point. Remembering rats and being stuck in a hole in the dirt, only light a flashlight not held by myself.

Vibes of a serial-killer-keeping-you-trapped yet never did I feel any fear, never did it feel like a nightmare despite the elements of a slasher movie. Like I was just passively present.
Given instructions and lessons, like I was merely a student to a slasher killer teaching me the ropes, yet never any bloods or victims ever present. Just given lectures and shown the tools, like getting to crawl into that hole full of rats to get an idea what to use on potential victims.
Disrupted only by my own sense of not being scared of rats cuz they just so adorable.

And that’s as much as I remember, but it sure was a mood or a vibe or something. Something for sure.

Anyone knows what's up with that art site Buzzly?

Was originally suggested to me as new gallery base when I was escaping from dA, and it did look good at the time. Sadly it wouldn't load on my main browser and I didn't felt like using a secondary browser for a main gallery, so I just left it at that.

Tested today to see if it would finally load and it sure did

And all I see are posts of people leaving the site, mentioning controversy without details or just lots of deleted posts.

I have no clue what's going on.

After 4-5 months of sickleave due to chronic illness, I’m finally getting back to work!

Will be a testing period to not rush things and fall back into how my body acted just months ago.

A two hours work day two days a week for starters, to test the grounds before seeing if I can handle more days and/or hours.

I’ll still be on sickleave pay, so won’t change my finances until the testing period is over (for now planned as a 7-8 month period).

I’m excited to finally get back, while hoping I can prove to both be productive AND hold myself back to avoid fatigue again.

Just some news I wanted to share.