Eoin Colfer Quotes

“No, mademoiselle, I would not like to see the children's menu. I have no doubt that the children's menu itself tastes better than the meals on it. I would like to order à la carte. Or don't you serve fish to minors?”
― Eoin Colfer, The Eternity Code

“Can we please focus? We are supposed to be professionals." Holly said.

"Not me!" said Orion cheerily, "I'm just a Teenager with hormones running wild and may I say, young fairy lady, they're running wild in your direction.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Atlantis Complex

“Jon Spiro had not hired Pex and Chips for their debating sills. In the job interview, they had only been set one task. A hundred applicants were handed a walnut and asked to smash it however they could. Only two succeeded. Pex had shouted at the walnut for a few minutes, then flattened it between his giant palms. Chips had opted for a more controversial method. He placed the walnut on the table, grabbed is interviewer by the ponytail, and used the man's forehead to smash the nut. Both men were hired on the spot. They quickly established themselves as Arno Blunt's most reliable leiutenants for in-house work. They were not allowed outside Chicago, as this could involve map reading, something Pex and Chips were not very good at.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Eternity Code

“Friendship isn't a science mudboy. Just do what you think is right.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Opal Deception

“I can grow cameras!" she had shrieked at the Brill brothers during one briefing. "Who's to say that despicable centaur Foaly hasn't succeded in splicing surveillance equiptment to plants? So get rid of all the flowers. Rocks, too. I don't trust them. Sullen little blebers.”
― Eoin Colfer

“Why can't we for once have a meeting in Starbucks?”
― Eoin Colfer, The Lost Colony

“Now I can do the bolts," she slurred. "I've been trying to focus enough magic all week."
The magic shifted and swirled, finally etching a picture in the air. It was a rough picture of Foaly, and he was laughing.
I hate you, centaur!" screamed Opal, lunging toward, and then through, the insubstantial image. Her eyes rolled back into her head, and then she collapsed, snoring, on the floor.
Artemis straightened his tie.
Freud, he was certain, would have a field day with that.”
― Eoin Colfer

“The Theory of Evolution has more holes in it than a dam made out of Swiss cheese.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Time Paradox

“She can't afford to commit more troops,' Holly whispered. 'The gate is her priority, and she needs to have as many Berserkers watching her back as possible. We are secondary at this point.'
'That will be her undoing,' Artemis gasped, already suffering under the weight of the flak jacket. 'Artemis Fowl will never be secondary.'
'I thought you were Artemis Fowl the Second?' said Holly.”
― Eoin Colfer

“Certain battles were won by retreating.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Eternity Code

“Some people just needed to be stolen from.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Opal Deception

“Pizza, pizza,
Fill up your face,
The thicker the pastry,
The better the base!”
― Eoin Colfer, The Eternity Code

“They were in a position of total ignorance and people in that position often died without being enlightened.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Time Paradox

“I am not qualified to deal with this. Why does everyone I meet seem to have mental problems?

Ah...but did they have mental problems before meeting you? Who’s the common denominator here, Dan?

I do not have mental problems! I say to the voice in my head, perfectly aware how damning it would sound were I to say it aloud.”
― Eoin Colfer, Plugged

“M...maybe,’ I stutter. ‘Whatever the reason, this woman has problems. We need to be compassionate, show understanding.’

‘Or slice her head off. I have plastic bags.’

Sure. We could toss her in the car beside her partner, then drive to the mall where I dumped Macey and line up all three bodies together in the Lexus. Hell, why not steal Connie’s corpse from the morgue to complete the set?”
― Eoin Colfer, Plugged

“I am surprised. ‘A disk? A bloody disk. What do I look like to you? Jason goddamn Bourne?”
― Eoin Colfer, Plugged

“This is working out pretty well, all things considered. My giddy side wants to giggle, but I choke it down. Later for the girlishness.”
― Eoin Colfer, Plugged

“Deacon laughs. ‘People like you and me, Dan, trouble sniffs us out. Maybe you can hide out for a while, maybe even a few years, but eventually someone needs to be saved or someone needs to be killed.”
― Eoin Colfer, Plugged

“Why don't you write that sentence down and read it? Then perhaps you would realize how insane you are. -Linus Wynter”
― Eoin Colfer, Airman