Humorous Quotations Quotes

“Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. (T-Shirt)”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is NOT for you. (BUMPER STICKER)”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience - well, that comes from poor judgment.”
― A.A.Milne

“A Prince asked the dying spanish statesman, "Does your Excellency forgive all your enemies?" "I do not have to forgive all my enemies," answered the stateman, "I have had them all shot.”
― Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power

“Leo could run pretty fast when someone was trying to kill him. Sadly, he’d had a lot of practice.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“99% of all problems can be solved by money -- and for the other 1% there's alcohol.”
― Quentin R. Bufogle

“if everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane(T-Shirt)”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“Ask me about my complete lack of interest. (T-shirt)”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go."

"You just got here."

"Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress."

"You're making that up."

"I'm not."

"So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?”
― Rick Riordan, The Hammer of Thor

“I'm half good and I'm half bad. My mama is a very good girl and my daddy is a very bad boy. And I guess that leaves me somewhere sort of...here.”
― C. JoyBell C.

“What is it you’re interested in exactly?” the man asked
slowly. “Just the color?”
“I think we both know,” said Adrian cunningly. “I want the
color. I want the ‘bonus effects.’ And I want it to look
badass. You probably can’t even do the design I want.”
“That’s the least of your worries,” said the guy. “I’ve been
doing this for years. I can draw anything you want.”
“Yeah? Can you draw a skeleton riding a motorcycle with
flames coming out of it? And I want a pirate hat on the
skeleton. And a parrot on his shoulder. A skeleton parrot.
Or maybe a ninja skeleton parrot? No, that would be
overkill. But it’d be cool if the biker skeleton could be
shooting some ninja throwing stars. That are on fire.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” said the
tattooist.
“That’s not what the ladies are going to say,” said Adrian”
― Richelle Mead, Bloodlines

“Some people make things happen. Some people watch things happen. And then there are those who wonder, 'What the hell just happened?”
― Carroll Bryant

“Enjoy every ounce of your life, get high and be sincere to anybody that comes around you.”
― Salman Aditya, High in School

“I'm an American, our names don't mean shit.”
― Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction: A Quentin Tarantino Screenplay

“If laughter is the best medicine, let's OD together.”
― Michael P. Clutton

“I meditate fourteen hours a day—two hours out of bed and twelve hours in bed. The mortals call it sleeping, but the enlightened are awake. It’s just the body that sleeps.”
― Merlin Franco, Saint Richard Parker

“Intelligence is being intelligent enough to know you're not so intelligent as you intelligently once thought.”
― Carroll Bryant

“Somebody has to be sane during regular business hours, and it's not going to be me, missy.”
― Darynda Jones

“Froi heard Zabat's voice echo over and over again throughout the gorge. Wonderful. The gods had found a way of multiplying the idiot's voice.”
― Melina Marchetta, Froi of the Exiles

“This guy had more lines than loose-leaf.”
― Cara Lynn Shultz, Spellbound

“Don't eat earwax avoid roasted cabbage and look on the bright side of life -Angela”
― Christopher Paolini, Eragon, Eldest & Brisingr

“So that's the telephone? They ring, and you run.”
― Edgar Degas

“What do you read, Westbay? Romance novels?” She said it like reading romance was on par with chronic farting.”
― Hieronymus Hawkes, Effacement

“We are never so generous as when giving advice.”
― François de La Rochefoucauld

“I believe in love. Unfortunately, it doesn't believe me. Lust, on the other hand, is a nagging wife poking constantly at my DNA.”
― Carroll Bryant

“Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.”
― Addison C. Arthur

“Smoking will probably kill me, but so will natural selection.”
― Carroll Bryant

“God made him, and therefore let him pass for a man. In truth, I know it is a sin to be a mocker, but he! why, he hath a horse better than the Neapolitan’s, a better bad habit of frowning than the Count Palentine; he is every man in no man. If a throstle sing, he falls straight a-cap’ring. He will fence with his own shadow. If I should marry him, I should marry twenty husbands.”
― William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice

“Have you ever noticed that folks will say ‘Look, he has his mama’s eyes’ or ‘his daddy’s nose,’ but they never say ‘We’re so proud! Look! He’s hung just like grampa’?”
- Zach McKnight”
― Suzie Quint, A Knight in Cowboy Boots

“Do you believe your gentle birth will turn a bullet?"
"Why, yes," Rhett said solemnly. "Hell yes! Gentle birth's got to be good for something!”
― Donald McCaig, Rhett Butler's People