Kids Funny Quotes

“There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about.”
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

“People worried too much about their children. Suffering when you're young is good for you. It immunized your body and soul...”
― Jeannette Walls, The Glass Castle

“മ്പീട ഒര്കൈച്ച് നാലണ. മ്പീട രണ്ട്കൈച്ചും ഒന്നിനുംകൊട രണ്ടു കാലണ!”
― Vaikom Muhammad Basheer

“Seeing a big scratch on Andy's cheek, he tried again. "You win this fight?" he
touched the little boy's cheek lightly.
Andy's eyes filled with tears. "I fallded down."
"Fell," Jordan corrected automatically.
"DADDY!! COME HERE!!" JD commanded furiously. He stomped off to
behind the sofa. Jordan rolled his eyes and followed.
Leaning down, Jordan whispered, "What?"
JD had on his 'frog face'. The one he wore when grownups have been bad.
Brows wrinkled, mouth all scrunched and frowny, hands on hips, all 33 inches
of righteous indignation, he hissed, "He be's just a baby. He dunna talk good
yet."
Jordan cocked his eyebrow at his son.
"I'm a big boy, Daddy. I know this stuff.”
― Grasshopper, Just Hit Send

“Winny had learned from books... you had to be tested in life to discover who you were and what you were capable of doing. Hopeless sissy, noble warrior, maniac - he could be anything, and he wouldn't know until he was tested. One thing he could never be was Santa Claus. Nobody could be Santa Claus. Santa Claus wasn't real like the FedEx guy.”
― Dean Koontz, 77 Shadow Street

“What is it with folks always talking about where they’re from? You could grow up in a muddy ditch, but if it’s your muddy ditch, then it’s gotta be the swellest muddy ditch ever.”
― Jennifer L. Holm, Turtle in Paradise

“In a sec.......let's see if this will help. Once there was a bunny that was very sad
cause his ears were long and floppy and he stepped on them all the time."
"Like my shoelaces?"
"Yep, just like that. One day a beautiful fairy,,,,,,,,"
"The shoelace fairy?"
"Yep. She landed on the bunny's head and.........."
"Didn't that hurt? Does she have a wand?"
"Nope. She lifted up the bunny's ears and crossed them over like an x."
"I can cross my eyes.........look."
"Lovely. She put one ear through the bottom of the x and she pulled."
"She pulled the bunny's ears..........bad fairy."
"No, she was trying to tie his.........."
"Dan," Jordan laughed, "Stop. That is the worst thing I've ever heard."
"Well, it's better than the teepees and the arrows and crap," Danny huffed.
"Can I go see Andy now?"
"Yes, go see Andy and his Velcro sneakers," Jordan snickered. "We give up.”
― Grasshopper, Just Hit Send

“So for some reason everybody makes this huge deal about pandas. I don't know why. They never actually do anything except eat and poop. But they're really famous.' 'Yeah," said Suzana. 'They're like the Kardashians of zoo animals.”
― Dave Barry, The Worst Class Trip Ever

“I thought she liked you now. I've seen her kiss you and she says your name the special way she says Rina's and mine - like it tastes good.”
― Deborah Hale, Carpetbagger's Wife

“Culver is a language magnet school. What it's mainly a magnet for, if you want to know the truth, is nerds.”
― Dave Barry

“I really, really like Suzana Delgado, who is the most beautiful girl in the eighth grade and probably the world. She has like 183 million Instagram followers.”
― Dave Barry, The Worst Class Trip Ever

“People say the day your baby is born is the happiest day of your life. It certainly is for the dads. Call me crazy if you want, but the day I watched my doctor sew stitches into my torn vagina was not my favorite.”
― Teralyn Pilgrim, Don't Dance on the Toilet, and Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids

“Every year when I take my girls in for their yearly checkup, the nurse hands me a questionnaire about their upbringing. It asks how many fruits and vegetables they eat, how much TV they watch, how much I read to them, how much physical exercise they get, etc.

Each time I see the questionnaire, I laugh and think, “Yeah. I’m not answering any of these questions honestly.”
― Teralyn Pilgrim, Don't Dance on the Toilet, and Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids

“Never in a million years did she expect to be doing her first real mission with Agent Ace Knight, the number one spy in history!”
― Austin Stack, Kat Doggers: Superspy: Book 1 of the Kat Doggers Series

“Like I said before, kids were okay from a distance, but I didn't think they'd ever replace hamsters.”
― Janet Evanovich, Three to Get Deadly

“Child-- "I can't be patient, that's not a word, so don't even say it mommy."

Mommy-- "What?”
― Mel Brown

“Life doesn't need to be perfect to be wonderful.”
― Steven Stanaszak, The Manhood Manual: A Comic Adventure

“Me: “Grace, what is that white stuff all over your face and arms?”
Grace: “I don’t know. It isn’t Daddy’s birthday cake.”
― Teralyn Pilgrim, Don't Dance on the Toilet, and Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids

“Me: “Oh no, it looks like the TV is broken.”
Rose: “We need to move.”
― Teralyn Pilgrim, Don't Dance on the Toilet, and Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids

“Look, girls, the Easter bunny is here at the mall," I said. "Do you want to go say hello?”

Rose peeked over the picket fence around the photo area. She cocked an eyebrow. “Mom,” she said, “Why is the Easter Bunny hiding inside that scary costume?”
― Teralyn Pilgrim, Don't Dance on the Toilet, and Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids

“I took the boys [ages 2, 5 & 7] to Olan Mills Photo Studio to get a portrait made of them. The photographer was a young woman. She arranged them several different ways to get good photos for us. At one point she had them lined up in a row and said, “Cross your arms.” All three instantly crossed their arms across their chests as we do to receive Holy Communion. The photographer, surprised, exclaimed, “Not like you're dead!”
― Elizabeth P. Fitzgerald, “Do birds know all their letters?”: Funny Book of Quotes

“Beep deedly oden boden bodash skadutendaten.”
― Ian Slatter, Danny Mann Super Fan

“In my school, if your skirt is just one centimetre too short, they make you change into the stinkiest, skankiest pair of lime green joggers they can find in the lost property box, with stains that you really don’t want to know
where they came from and the stench of a thousand backsides.”
― Ian Slatter, Eco Worrier

“I planted a rose bush and Stephen, age 2, asked, “Can I bless the rose?” I said yes and he did the sign of the cross over the rose bush. Then he turned to me and said, “Can I bless the hose?” And so he did.”
― Elizabeth P. Fitzgerald, “Do birds know all their letters?”: Funny Book of Quotes

“When I asked Stephen, age two, for a kiss he would say, “I’ll give you a smooch.” He'd put his hands on each side of his face and pucker up, musing contentedly, “What kind shall I give her? […Grandma Joy’s ducky kisses, butterfly kisses, or….]”
― Elizabeth P. Fitzgerald, “Do birds know all their letters?”: Funny Book of Quotes

“When Sean and Daniel were two and four years old I opened their play kitchen fridge door and found a stack of stuffed bears.

"Why are the bears in here?"

They replied with authority, “We’ve been huntin’!”
― Elizabeth P. Fitzgerald, “Do birds know all their letters?”: Funny Book of Quotes

“Water goes hand in hand with food, just like children and crying.”
― John Joclebs Bassey, Night of a Thousand Thoughts