Medical Humor Quotes

“Dear patient (first name, last name)! You are presently located in our experimental state hospital. The measures taken to save your life were drastic, extremely drastic (circle one). Our finest surgeons, availing themselves of the very latest achievements of modern medicine, performed one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten operations (circle one) on you. They were forced, acting wholly in your interest to replace certain parts of your organism with parts obtained from other persons, in strict accordance with Federal Law (Rev. Stat. Comm. 1-989/0-001/89/1). The notice you are now reading was thoughtfully prepared in order to help you make the best possible adjustment to these new if somewhat unexpected circumstances in your life, which, we hasten to remind you, we have saved. Although it was found necessary to remove your arms, legs, spine, skill, lungs, stomach, kidneys, liver, other (circle one or more), rest assured that these mortal remains were disposed of in a manner fully in keeping with the dictates of your religion; they were, with the proper ritual, interred, embalmed, mummified, buried at sea, cremated with the ashes scattered in the wind—preserved in an urn—thrown in the garbage (circle one). The new form in which you will henceforth lead a happy and healthy existence may possibly occasion you some surprise, but we promise that in time you will become, as indeed all our dear patients do, quite accustomed to it We have supplemented your organism with the very best, the best, perfectly functional, adequate, the only available (circle one) organs at our disposal, and they are fully guaranteed to last a year, six months, three months, three weeks, six days (circle one).”
― Stanisław Lem, The Futurological Congress: From the Memoirs of Ijon Tichy

“ENT is commonly known as Early Nights and Tennis - a good choice of specialty if you like a quiet Christmas. See also, dermaholiday.”
― Adam Kay, Twas the Nightshift Before Christmas

“I'm about to break the news to them when my eyes drift a little further down the screen. Context! 'Scant sample, mixed with dirt, fluff, detritus. Please repeat.' Did he... wank into a hoover bag?”
― Adam Kay, Twas the Nightshift Before Christmas

“If you live on Statin Island, cholesterol is not a problem.”
― Jon Obermeyer

“A new midwife supervisor, Tracy, has started this week and seems absolutely lovely - calm, experienced and sensible. She is now the second midwife supervisor on the unit called Tracy, the current one being a flappy, angry nightmare. To avoid confusion, we have nicknamed them 'Reassuring Trace' and 'Non-reassuring Trace'.”
― Adam Kay, This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor

“antibiotic: (n.) drug that requires immediate administration of probiotics.”
― Sol Luckman, The Angel's Dictionary

“What do you think, Doc?"

The patient's question penetrated Auster's reverie. "I think you're doing about as well as you're going to do, Mr. Johnston. You're not going to play ball for the Yankees, but you're not going to drop dead anytime soon either. You'll probably still be fishing when they bury me."

Johnston gave a little laugh. "I hope so, no offense. But I was thinking, Doc, you know. . . . I might need some tests."

Auster looked back in puzzlement. Johnston had the tone of a patient who'd read some article on preven tive medicine in [i]Reader's Digest[/i]. He probably wanted a goddamn sixty-four-slice CAT scan of his heart.”
― Greg Iles, Third Degree