Fool Quotes

“I love you above all things, even pie.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“Love needs room to grow. Like a rose. Or a tumor.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“Sarcasm will make your tits fall off.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“This is a bawdy tale. Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, murder, spanking, maiming, treason, and heretofore unexplored heights of vulgarity and profanity, as well as non-traditional grammar, split infinitives, and the odd wank.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“There's always a bloody ghost.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“We've been rehearsing a classic from antiquity, Green Eggs and Hamlet, the story of a young prince of Denmark who goes mad, drowns his girlfriend, and in his remorse, forces spoiled breakfast on all whom he meets.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“...Heinous Fuckery, most foul!”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“I was seven before I realized that you could eat breakfast with your pants on.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“What is your name?" asked Lear.
Caius," said Kent.
And whence do you hail?"
From Bonking, sire."
Well, yes, lad, as do we all," said Lear, "but from what town?”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“It turns out that one can perpetrate all manner of heinous villainy under a cloak of courtesy and good cheer. . .a man will forfeit all sensible self-interest if he finds you affable enough to share your company over a flagon of ale.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“Love? Sodding, bloody, tossing, bloody, sodding, bloody love? Irrelevant, superfluous, bloody, ruddy, rotten, sodding love? What ho? Wherefore? What the f*ck? Love?”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“Oh, we are but soft and squishy bags of mortality rolling in a bin of sharp circumstance, leaking life until we collapse, flaccid, into our own despair..”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“Will there be heinous fuckery, Pocket?”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“I fear you may become a lonely man, even in the company of others.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“Cofishes-other fish in a group, coworkers, cohorts, etc. Shut up, it's a word.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“Like looking down on a lubricious chess set, isn't it? The king moves in tiny steps, with no direction, like a drunkard trying to avoid the archer's bolt. The others work their strategies and wait for the old man to fall. He has no power, yet all power moves in his orbit and to his mad whim. Do you know there's no fool piece on the chessboard, Kent?" "Methinks the fool is the player, the mind above the moves.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“Moi?", said I, in perfect fucking French.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“WARNING
This is a bawdy tale. Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, murder, spanking, maiming, treason, and heretofore unexplored heights of vulgarity and profanity, as well as non-traditional grammar, split infinitives, and the odd wank. If that sort of thing bothers you, then gentle reader pass by, for we endeavor only to entertain, not to offend. That said, if that’s the sort of thing you think you might enjoy, then you have happened upon the perfect story!”
― Christopher Moore , Fool

“Ydych chi'n cymryd cerdynnau credid?" said the highwayman, no doubt trying to frighten me further, his consonants chained like anal beads strung out of hell's own bunghole.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“I'm beginning to wonder," said Kent, sitting down now on an overturned wooden tub. "Who do I serve? Why am I here?"

You are here, because, in the expanding ethical ambiguity of our situation, you are steadfast in your righteousness. It is to you, our banished friend, that we all turn—a light amid the dark dealings of family and politics. You are the moral backbone on which the rest of us hang our bloody bits. Without you we are merely wiggly masses of desire writhing in our own devious bile."

Really?" asked the old knight.

Aye," said I.

I'm not sure I want to keep company with you lot, then.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“Advice, then, young yeoman: When referring to the king's middle daughter, state that she is fair, speculate that she is pious, but unless you'd like to spend your watch looking for the box where your head is kept, resist the urge to wax ignorant on her naughty bits." -Pocket
I don't know what that means, sir." -Yeoman
Speak not of Regan's shaggacity, son" [...] -Pocket”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“I fink I gots deaf on me willie.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“I'll not have an exchange with an impudent fool." [Oswald]
He's not impudent," said Jones [the puppet]. "With proper inspiration, the lad sports a woody as stout as a mooring pin. Ask your lady."
I nodded in agreement with the puppet, for he is most wise for having a brain of sawdust.
Impudent! Impudent! Not impotent!" said Oswald, frothing a bit now.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“She can be a whirlwind of tits and terror when she puts her mind to a purpose, can't she, sir?”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“Next out of the hall came the sisters and their husbands. Before I could say anything, the captain had clamped his hand over my mouth and was lifting me off my feet as I kicked. Cornwall made as to draw his dagger, but Regan pulled him away. "You've just won a kingdom, my duke, killing vermin is a servant's task. Leave the bitter fool stew in his own bile."
She wanted me. It was clear.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“A hundred brilliant witticisms died suffocating on the captain's heavy glove. Thus muted, I pumped my codpiece at the duke and tried to force a fart, but my bum tumpet could find no note.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“He always had a problem with the purity of others. Never his own.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“An original thought would crack your feeble skull like a thunderbolt, you craven vulture.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“Creep we did, until we were just outside the halo of firelight. Three bent-backed hags were walking a slow circle around a large cauldron, dropping in twisted bits of this and that as they chanted. “Double, double, toil and trouble: Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.” “Witches,” whispered Kent, paying tribute to the god of all things bloody fucking obvious.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

“[...] Y'know, the Duchess Regan is living here at the tower now? I took your advice about not talking about her boffnacity [footnote], even with the duke dead and all, can't be too careful. Although, I caught sight of her in a dressing gown one day she was up on the parapet outside her solar. Fine flanks on that princess, despite the danger of death and all for sayin' so, sir." -Yeomen
Aye, the lady is fair, and her gadonk as fine as frog fur [...]" -Pocket

footnote: Boffnacity: an expression of shagnatiousness, fit. from the Latin boffusnatious”
― Christopher Moore, Fool