Assholes Finish First Quotes

“... the devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for ...”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“No one has it all figured out, especially not the people who are acting like they do and judging you because of it. Pretending to be something you aren't because you're trying to please a bunch of judgmental hypocrites and shitheads is not the way to be happy. Living the life you want to live is. It really is that simple.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“If people try to judge you or shame you for doing safe, consensual things that make you happy, I can guarantee you they're bad people.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“You look like the type of people who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“I could never kill myself. What if it doesn't work. Then I'll have failed at the only thing that could save me from my failures. Where do you go from there?”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“WAKE UP! WE'RE LATE FOR DRINKING!!”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“Look, I know everything is shitty right now, but if you don't stop acting like such a bitch, someones gonna fuck that pussy on your face.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“Motherfucker. She leaves me no choice. Now I have to break her self-esteem, sleep with her and steal the shirt.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“I take a lull from my CamelBak and choke at its potency. It tastes like bad decisions. It's perfect.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“... If God invented anything better than drunk sex with a hot girl, he kept it to himself.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“Gotta love alcohol and sex hormones.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“Leave it up to hipster nerds to pretend to hate something that they actually want”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“One of us needs to get laid."
"Just one of us?"
"What are the odds of both of us getting laid?”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“I masterbate in the shower. My action figures judge me. Especially the Justice League.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“I feel like taking her money AND her soul is not cool. One or the other.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“His first question shows how well he knows me:
TheRoommate: "Did you take any money out of her purse?”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“5:16 I shotgun two beers, piss out the bedroom window, catcall passing girls, burp violently, put cage fighting on tv, play with myself. I feel manly again.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“You play crotch roulette, you're gonna hit double zero once in a while.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“FUCK. This is not good. I'm allergic to whiskey. I think maybe I should explain this to her, and request a different alcohol. Then I remember that I am awesome. Even fighting through anaphylactic shock, I can STILL bury this emotionally unstable, bulimic undergrad.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“I wish I could bottle the seductive look she gave me so I could sniff it when I jack off.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“credit, youre jewish, your best friend is black, and your girlfriend is a cheating whore. Even if I wore gay, I'd still have it better than you.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“5:15 I have never put makeup on. It's hard. "You assholes are crowding my mirror space. Gimme some room, I keep smearing my blush." Everyone's glares at me. I feel like a gay homosexual.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“I prefer to keep fooling myself, at least for a little while longer.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“Earl "The Goat" Manigault was probably the greatest basketball player of all time, but Michael Jordan is universally regarded as the best ever. This is because The Goat only did it at Rucker Park, while Michael did it where it mattered: in front of the world.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“When I got beers for all of us, I discovered something mildly amusing about Milwaukee. If you are ever there, order a Budweiser. Seriously, people FLIP OUT at you. I was confused at first, until it was explained to me: The city of Milwaukee is basically owned by Miller Brewing Company, and of course their big rival is Bud, presumably because they are located in St. Louis. Hey, Milwaukeeans, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Bud, MGD, Bud Light, Miller Lite—it’s all shitty beer. No one cares except fat-assed cow town hicks like you. Get over it and focus on something important, like why you’re out of breath when you go from the La-Z-Boy to the kitchen.”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First

“Your fancy book learnin' should've thaught you that the strong do what they want and the weak endure what they must. Now bring me your finest meats and cheeses and be quick about it!”
― Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First