Semi-Pro (2008)
Will Ferrell: Jackie Moon
Photos
Quotes
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Jackie Moon : In the anals of history people are going to be talking about three things: the discovery of fire, invention of the submarine, and the Flint, Michigan Mega Bowl.
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Jackie Moon : Everybody panic! Oh my God, there's a bear loose in the coliseum! There will be no refunds! Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life! If you have a small child, use it as a shield! They love the tender meat! Cover your sodas! Dewie loves sugar!
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Jackie Moon : [to referee] Suck my cock! I'll murder your family!
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Jackie Moon : Goddamn it, Vakidis! Learn fucking English!
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Jackie Moon : [to teammates] If you see a possum, try to kill it. It's not a pet.
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Jackie Moon : Everybody panic! It's just like the Titanic but it's full of bears!
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Jackie Moon : ELE! Everybody love everybody!
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Cornelius Banks : [to Lou] You were never in 'Nam, you jive turkey.
[long silence]
Lou Redwood : [coldly] Did you just call me a jive turkey?
[Cornelius shakes his head]
Jackie Moon : No. No, he did not, he uh... he called you cocksucker. Right Cornelius?
Cornelius Banks : Yeah, I just called you cocksucker.
Lou Redwood : Pretty sure you called me a jive turkey.
Dick Pepperfield : No, no, now Lou, nobody called anyone a J.T.
Lou Redwood : Jive turkey is a little over the line, my man!
Jackie Moon : Look. We were all here, we all heard what was said, and we're in agreement, Cornelius said cocksucker. Right?
Bobby Dee : He just said you suck cock!
Dick Pepperfield : That's all he said about you!
Jackie Moon : Come on. Dig into that fondue... little cocksucker.
[laughs]
Lou Redwood : We like playing games, don't we?
Jackie Moon : It's true, we're playing one right now.
Lou Redwood : I'm gonna show you guys this game I learned when I was in FUCKIN' NAM!
[Lou draws his gun and aims it at Cornelius]
Lou Redwood : Who's the jive turkey now?
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Jackie Moon : No refunds, consider your refund escaping this death trap with your lives!
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Jackie Moon : [to Monix] I wish you were still a washing machine!
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Jackie Moon : Nothing in the rulebook that says you can't play drunk.
Dick Pepperfield : Well actually there is.
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Jackie Moon : It feels like I got cat piss in my eyes.
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Jackie Moon : There'll be a lotta television cameras out there so we just gotta be tip top.
Clarence 'Coffee' Black : So what's the plan?
Jackie Moon : Brought a secret weapon. It's going to make us look extra cool on Tv.
Bee Bee Ellis : What the hell is that?
Jackie Moon : It's eyeliner dummy. Now who's first? Monix?
Monix : Oh yeah... Let me get a fresh Maxi-Pad outta my purse.
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Jackie Moon : [screaming angrily at Father Pat the Ref] I'll burn your house down!
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Jackie Moon : I'm so excited I can't feel my arms!
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Jackie Moon : Everyone can eat shit! A big bag of shit!
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Jackie Moon : Oh fuck that shit! Spumoni!
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Jackie Moon : Fuck you Clarence! Spumoni!
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Jackie Moon : [jokingly aiming an unloaded gun at his head] I'll see you fuckers in hell.
[pulls trigger, all laugh]
Bobby Dee : [aiming the gun at Jackie] Jackie, "Love Me Sexy" is the worst song I've ever heard.
[pulls trigger, all laugh]
Cornelius Banks : Watch this.
Cornelius Banks : [aiming the gun at Lou] I did call you jive turkey.
[pulls trigger, all laugh]
Dick Pepperfield : [aiming the gun at Lou] I know you slept with Mrs. Pepperfield!
[pulls trigger, all laugh]
Lou Redwood : [laughing] We're saying nutty things 'cause they're not true... especially that, more than the rest.
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[Jackie tosses a gun onto the table. The gun fires a bullet. Everyone ducks as the bullet ricochets across the room]
Jackie Moon : Everybody okay?
Bobby Dee : I think so.
Cornelius Banks : Yeah.
Jackie Moon : I'm fine.
Bobby Dee : Wow!
Dick Pepperfield : We just literally dodged a bullet.
[laughs]
Jackie Moon : [laughing] We sure did!
Jackie Moon : [looks at Cornelius] Except for Cornelius!
[blood starts coming out of Cornelius' arm cast]
Cornelius Banks : [smiling] Woah! I did get shot!
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Jackie Moon : Use small children as shields, bears like soft tender meat.
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Jackie Moon : Cock sandwich, that hurts!
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Jackie Moon : [Mispronouncing everything] It's called fondue. It's a mixture of three different cheeses. There's gorgonzola, muenster, and cottage.
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Jackie Moon : It's like Titanic with bears.
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Father Pat the Ref : [blows the whistle] Traveling!
Jackie Moon : No, no, no, no! One of the half steps!
Father Pat the Ref : Come on, Jackie. You walked.
Jackie Moon : Suck my cock, I'll murder your family!
Father Pat the Ref : [blowing the whistle at him] You're gone, Jackie Moon!
Jackie Moon : What?
Dick Pepperfield : Jackie Moon is ejected from the game.
Jackie Moon : What did I say?
Father Pat the Ref : You said "S my C!"
[Jackie grabs the ball and kicks the ball]
Dick Pepperfield : And one lucky fan will go home with a game ball.
Jackie Moon : That's your head next time!
Father Pat the Ref : You're a big baby, Jackie! You cannot tell me to S my C!
Dick Pepperfield : Jackie Moon and the referee are really going at it here.
Jackie Moon : I didn't say anything!
Father Pat the Ref : You said S my C!
Jackie Moon : I barely raised my voice!
Father Pat the Ref : I should call your mother!
Jackie Moon : You need a phone to heaven to do that!
Father Pat the Ref : Maybe, your ma didn't go to heaven!
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Jackie Moon : [wrestling Dewie the bear] Crazy fists! I'm coming in with crazy fists!
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Jackie Moon : Just livin' in a world of urine and pancakes.