Premarital Counseling Packet

Table of contents

How does Pierpont Presbyterian Church view marriage?.............................Page 2-3

Before and after the wedding..Page 3-4
Marriage and repentance .......Page 4-5
Wedding policy and costs.....Page 5
What the premarital counseling sessions will cover........Page 6-9
Position paper on the sanctity of marriage.Page 10-15
Monthly spending worksheet...Page 16
Build a budget worksheets..Page 17-20
Position paper on divorce..(If you are divorced, ask the pastor for this document)

How does Pierpont Presbyterian Church view marriage?

Congratulations on your engagement! Marriage is a gift from God and our
church community is looking forward to supporting you both in your wedding and
your marriage. We view our responsibility toward you as much more than just
providing a location and a pastor to marry you on your wedding day. We will be
here as fellow Christians helping you to strengthen your marriage and family.
Because we view marriage in the Church in a Biblical way, we require that any
couples in the church share this Biblical view of marriage including: both husband
and wife be Christians seeking to strengthen each other and any children in the
worship of God and active participation in the church beginning at least with the
start of premarital counseling. According to our Book of Worship 5-2 Who Should
Marry: A man and a woman who are able to give their consent may marry unless
their blood relationship is forbidden by Scripture. The partners should share a
common Christian faith and a common intention to build a Christian home.
Christians would be wise to seek as partners those who share a common faith and
heritage. No weddings will be preformed outside this definition of one man and
one woman, able to give consent, not closely related, and showing serious
intention of building a Christian home together. If you share this Biblical view of
marriage you have found the right community to come along side you for your
marriage. If you are not both Christians looking to join a church community I have
listed some local judges, officiates, and churches that may be a better fit for your
wedding.
If you live in Ashtabula county or out of the state, then you will both need to
go to the clerks office at 25 West Jefferson Street in Jefferson, Ohio to apply for a
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marriage license approximately 30 days before the wedding. Bring $45 in cash,
and either a social security card, birth certificate, or drivers license with a correct
current residence. If your drivers license has an incorrect current residence, bring
a piece of mail as proof of current residence inside Ashtabula county. If you have
been previously divorced, you will need to bring a copy of the divorce decree. If you
live in Ohio but outside Ashtabula County, call your local county clerks office for
details on how to obtain a marriage license. The wedding may still be preformed in
Ashtabula, but the marriage license must be obtained in your county of residence.
If you prefer to get married by a judge, the following judges in Ashtabula
county are available: Judge Robert Winn (440) 576-3619 located in Jefferson,
Judge Thomas (440) 593-7410 located in Conneaut, Judge Camplese (440) 9927109 located in Ashtabula .
If you prefer a non-judicial wedding officiant the following women are
available: Jennifer Feher (440) 361-4225, Elizabeth Fray (440) 265-7225
If you prefer a wedding in a church, and neither the bride or groom is a
Christian, contact Rev. Robby Kincaid at (440) 576-6556 located in Jefferson.
If only one of you is a Christian, I cannot personally advise marriage
because of the following Bible verses 1 Cor 7:39, 2 Cor 6:14-18, Deu 7:3-4. Mixed
faith marriages make unity in marriage difficult, especially for raising children.
The divorce rate is three times higher for mixed faith marriages. I appreciate that
this is not welcomed news or easy at this point in your relationship, however if you
would like to discuss this with me personally, I would be happy to advise you and
pray for you at this important time.

Before and after the wedding

Before the first premarital counseling session both of you should read
through and discuss this packet and schedule the first of three premarital
counseling sessions at least three months before the wedding date. Before each
session, read the appropriate chapters in the book Strike the Original Match, and
have a discussion with your fiance about each of the topics that we will be
discussing. There are two copies of a sample budget included at the end of this
packet. Before the first session, individually fill out what you expect your budget
will look like. Then compare notes and discuss how you will create a unified
budget. If you are unsure of how much money you spend in a typical month, there
is a monthly spending worksheet attached at the end to help you track where your
money goes during the month. There will be three total premarital counseling
sessions during which we will go over any questions you have about the wedding or
marriage as well as a curriculum to prepare for the most important aspects of
marriage. After the premarital counseling sessions, we will have one rehearsal in
the sanctuary. After the wedding at your convenience and necessity, a post marital
counseling session is available to discuss any unforeseen difficulty you have in
adjusting to marriage. I will also continue to be available for any pastoral
counseling one or both of you may need for any reason in the future.

Marriage and repentance

Marriage, just like the rest of Christian life, means continual repentance.
When we first become Christians we look at our lives to see where we need to
repent from any sin against God so that we can be better Christians. As we

continue on in our Christian life we continue to look for sin in our lives so that we
can repent. Although we are never perfect, we continue to look for ways to
improve. In the same way, marriage means continual repentance. When we first
enter into a relationship we look at how we treat our significant other to see where
we need to repent of any sin against them so we can be better mates. This includes
things like being sexually inappropriate towards them, emotionally inappropriate,
or physically inappropriate. Take some time to ask your fiance the ways you are
currently sinning against them so you can repent. As you continue on in your
marriage, look for ways to repent so you can be a better spouse. If you are
currently living with your fiance, sexually active with your fiance, or doing
anything else inappropriate now is the time to discuss it at premarital counseling
and stop. No marriages will be preformed for couples unwilling to repent of sin
against each other. Marriage is not to be entered into if you are unwilling to stop
unhealthy behavior towards your fiance.

Wedding policy and costs

Cost:
Honorarium for the minister: $150 for non-members, $100 for members

Fee for the organist: By donation only for members, $80 if rehearsal required, $50
if no rehearsal requires for non-members

Fee for the janitor: $35 for wedding, an additional $35 if reception included

Fee for rental: For members no fee, for non-members $65

Policy:
All music used during the wedding ceremony is to be submitted and approved of
by the pastor of Pierpont Presbyterian Church. No rice, confetti, or birdseed inside
the building. If candles are used please take special care that they do not drip.

If the church fellowship hall will be used for the reception: No dancing, alcohol,
smoking, or gambling.

What the premarital counseling sessions will cover

Every week bring any questions you have from the book and topics to be
covered that week. Expect to discuss each area beyond the questions you bring.

Week #1
-Pages 1-46, 135-158, 241-248, 270-273Strike the Original Match
-Money
-Separate or joined bank account
-Budgeting
-Are you a spender or a saver
-Standard of living expectations
-What is and is not worth spending money on
-How and when will you get out of debt
-How will you handle credit
-Investing

-Who pays bills

-Children
-How many
-When
-Who will care for them
-Discipline
-Chores
-Values
-Dealing with infertility: Adoption, Foster care, Disabilities
-Home
-Where will we live? (city or country)
-What will our home look like? (House or apartment)
-How clean will the home be? Who will clean it?
-How will the home be decorated? Budget?
-How long will we stay in one place?
-How involved will we be with the community?

Week #2
-Pages 67-82, 101-134, 253-257, 262-269 Strike the Original Match
-Arguments
-What has been difficult in disagreements in the past
-What has been successful in disagreements in the past
-How did your parents disagree
-How to deal with anger
-How to look through a different point of view
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-How to love your spouse as yourself

-In-laws
-What did / didnt you appreciate about the way you were raised?
-Where will you spend holidays
-How much time will be spent with in-laws
-How much advice will in-laws give? Be received? Be rejected?
-How will you establish boundaries with in-laws?
-What should your spouse know about relating to your side?

-Role expectations
-Who will keep the finances
-cooking
-home repair
-cleaning
-yard work
-grocery shopping
-laundry
-car maintenance
-childcare

Week #3
-Pages 47-66, 83-100, 159-196, 249-252, 258-261, 274-282 Strike the
Original Match
-Sex
-Expectations about sex life
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-comfortable expressing likes and dislikes

-frequency
-birth control
-self image
-love languages: physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of
service, words of affirmation
-keeping sexual purity avoiding affairs, pornography, thoughts
about someone other than your spouse
-Friendships with members of the opposite gender boundaries
-Church
-What have been positive experiences with church
-What have been negative experiences with church
-How will we raise our children in the church?
-How will we form community with the church
-Reasons for missing Sunday worship
-Involvement outside worship service
-Tithes and offerings
-Work
-Who will work?
-How long and often will you work?
-Will you take work home with you?
-How much income do you expect?
-How much income is too little?

-How will you plan for large purchases like: education,

transportation, housing, vacations, etc

Evangelical Presbyterian Church Position Paper on the

Sanctity of Marriage
I.

Introduction

We believe marriage is a gift from God for the blessing of men, women and
children and for the good of society. However, given the present practice of
cohabitation outside of marriage, the prevalence of same sex unions and the
disintegration of marriages in Western culture, we of the Evangelical Presbyterian
Church offer the following Biblical principles relative to the sanctity of the
institution of marriage. In this position paper we seek to think about marriage
under the authority of the Lord Jesus Christ and Gods written Word, the Bible (2
Timothy 3:16). We believe that God has revealed to all people in all cultures at all
times a sense of morality in the ordering of human relationships. Therefore, there
is a moral imperative which governs all human relationships, including marriage.

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II. Marriage as a Creation Ordinance

When God created Adam and Eve, He ordained marriage as the
fundamental institution of society (Genesis 1:27-28). In marriage, a man and
woman leave their families of origin and become united as one flesh in a new
family unit (Genesis 2:24). The judgment of Scripture is that marriage is to be
honored by all (Hebrews 13:4).
Marriage is a covenant between one man and one woman and between the
participants and God (Malachi 2:14-16). It is therefore more than a temporary
agreement of convenience, a contract or a well-intentioned promise. As a binding
relationship established by promises, the marriage covenant is solemnly sealed by
a ceremony witnessed by family and friends and regulated by the state. When a
believer marries, it is Gods will that he or she should be united only with another
believer (2 Corinthians 6:14). Because God has created and instituted marriage as
a lifelong covenant (Matthew 22:23-30) and because the marriage covenant is to
reflect the strength of Gods covenant love for His people (Hosea 3:1), any variation
from His ordained decree is harmful to the participants and in violation of Gods
mandates for all people (Mark 10:11-12).
God ordained marriage for the following ends:
The Glory of God: Marriage exists first and foremost to glorify God. Human
beings individually are image bearers of God (Genesis 1:26), but man and woman
in marriage also display His glory (vv. 27-28). Marriage as a creation ordinance
glorifies God as creator. Beyond that, however, marriage is to glorify God as
redeemer, for Christian marriage is the consummate illustration of the redeeming
grace of God in Christ (Ephesians 5:22-33). To the degree that Christians live out
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this pattern of Gods love through His grace in Christ (Ephesians 5:1-2), they
witness to one another, their children, the church and the world the gospel of
Gods redeeming love in Christ. However, Gods glory and our good are
complementary. For this reason, marriage exists also for our good in the following
ways.
Companionship: Genesis 2:18a teaches that it is not good for a man to be
alone. Therefore, from the beginning God called men and women to promote
mutual care and friendship within their marriage relationship.

Mutual Assistance: Genesis 2:18b adds I will make a helper suitable for
him, reminding us that we are to be a help to one another in the marriage
relationship. Also, each husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and
gave Himself for her (Ephesians 5:25).
The Bearing, Nurturing & Training of Children: Genesis 1:28 and Ephesians
6:4 teach that the marriage relationship is also for procreation and moral teaching
of children (Deuteronomy 6:4-7).
Promoting the Stability of Society: When marriage, the foundational human
relationship, is degraded, the family unit disintegrates and the fabric of any nation
unravels (cf. Genesis 2).
Affirming the Proper Context of Human Sexuality: Hebrews 13:4 clearly
teaches that sexual intimacy should be reserved for a man and a woman within the
covenant of marriage.

III. The Biblical View of Singleness

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The sanctity of marriage does not negate the gift of celibacy (1 Corinthians
7:6). While marriage is a great blessing, it is not Gods will that all should be
married. This was certainly the case for the Lord Jesus and probably for Paul.
Singleness in Scripture is also a great blessing and offers unique
opportunities for an undivided devotion to the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:1, 35).
Consequently, those whom God has called to be single for His sake should be
recognized and honored in the Evangelical Presbyterian Church.

III. The Biblical View of Marriage

Scripture teaches that the one-flesh union of marriage constitutes an
intellectual, emotional, physical and spiritual unity. So they are no longer two, but
one (Matthew 19:5-6). When the two become one flesh, the God-created
individualities of the husband and wife are not lost; rather they complement and
enrich each other. Furthermore, the Apostle Paul demonstrates that this profound
mystery is analogous to the spiritual relationship between Christ and His church.
I am talking about Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:31-33).
From Genesis to Revelation, sexual union in marriage is to be between a
man and a woman. Scripture emphatically condemns same-sex unions and sexual
intercourse between people of the same sex. In the Old Testament a homosexual
relationship was a capital offense, and in the New Testament it is repeatedly
condemned (Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13, Romans 1:24-27, 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, and
see the EPC Position Paper on Homosexuality).
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God designed marriage to be a lifelong relationship. Jesus said, What God

has joined together, let not man separate (Mark 10:9). The marriage covenant
should be kept sacred and unbroken under those conditions stated in the Bible.
Given the complexities and challenges inherent in the merging of two lives into
one, pastoral counseling or guidance is strongly recommended in the period prior
to the marriage ceremony. (See the EPC Position Paper on Divorce and
Remarriage and Book of Worship 5.5.).
God-ordained marriage should remain pure in thought, motive and
practice. The seventh commandment prohibits adultery (Exodus 20:14). Jesus sets
an even higher standard in his statement: anyone who looks at a woman
lustfully has already committed adultery (Matthew 5:27-28). Furthermore, sexual
relations outside of marriage are forbidden by Scripture (1 Corinthians 6:16-20
and 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4). The Apostle Paul specifically commands believers to
abstain from sexual immorality (1 Thessalonians 4:3). In contemporary culture
infidelity all too frequently occurs with tragic consequences. Thus, the author of
Hebrews solemnly warns that God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually
immoral (Hebrews 13:4). The modern axiom that everyone is doing it, so it must
be okay is condemned by unequivocal Biblical teaching. Emotional unfaithfulness
to ones spouse is equally sinful
and hence, destructive to the marriage relationship. In order to strengthen their
covenant relationship, couples are encouraged to seek godly and practical ways to
enrich their relationship through marriage retreats, couples seminar or classes and
pastoral counsel. (See the EPC Position Paper on Divorce and Remarriage.)
All forms of emotional and physical abuse violate the one-flesh covenantal
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relationship. We urge abused persons to consider their own safety and that of
family members first and to seek help from the church and, as necessary,
professional and legal resources, to bring healing to the individuals and to the
marriage relationship. (See Position Paper)
Gods Word indicates how husbands and wives should relate to one another
in the home. Ephesians 5.21 states that Christians should submit to one another
out of reverence for Christ. Mutual submission means that Christian husbands
and wives must respect and honor one another, acknowledge one anothers gifts,
mobilize one anothers strengths and build one another up.
Out of reverence for Christ as savior and lord of their marriages, Christian
wives are to respect and subject themselves to their husbands as to the Lord. And
Christian husbands are to love their wives even as Christ loved the church and
gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:22-26). In such a marriage bond in Christ,
husbands and wives seek together the Spirits guidance in family decisions, in the
nurturing and training of their children in the Christian faith and in all aspects of
the well being of their family and as a witness to the grace of God in their life
together. This relationship between the man and the woman in marriage is
informed by the relationship of the three persons of the Trinity, where Father, Son
and Holy Spirit are equal in essence, power and glory, while admitting different
functional roles.

Conclusion
The Bible teaches that marriage is a covenant, formal and sacred, and is to
be held in honor among all people. Marriage is a serious commitment, involving
vows taken publicly before the God of truth and covenant.
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The familiar text of the wedding liturgy states, Dearly beloved we are
assembled here in the presence of God to join this man and this woman in Holy
marriage, which is instituted by God, regulated by His commandments and to be
held in honor among all.
May the words of our Lord Jesus Christ rule in our hearts: What therefore
God has joined together, let not man separate (Mark 10:9).

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Chapter 5: Christian Marriage

BOOK OF WORSHIP
CHAPTER 5
CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE
5-1 While marriage is not a sacrament of the Church, it is ordained of God and
intended to last as long as the couple shall live. God has designed marriage for the
mutual help of husband and wife and for the development of their moral and
spiritual character, and for the propagation of children who are to be reared in the
discipline and instruction of the Lord.
5-2 Who Should Marry: A man and a woman who are able to give their consent
may marry unless their blood relationship is forbidden by Scripture. The partners
should share a common Christian faith and a common intention to build a
Christian home. Christians would be wise to seek as partners those who share a
common faith and heritage.
5-3 The Churchs Role in Marriage: Marriage ordinarily should be performed in
the place of common worship by an ordained Minister of the Church, and with the
family of faith present. In approving the marriage, the Church affirms the divine
institution of marriage and invokes Gods blessings upon those who enter the
relationship according to Gods Word. As the Church hears the vows a couple make
to one another, it should assure the couple of Gods grace within their new
relationship.
5-4 The Remarriage of Divorced Persons: It is the divine intention that persons
entering the marriage covenant become inseparably united, thus allowing for no
dissolution save that caused by death of either husband or wife. However, the
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weaknesses of one or both partners may lead to gross and persistent denial of the
marriage vows, yet only in cases of extreme, unrepentant, and irremediable
unfaithfulness (physical or spiritual) should separation or divorce be considered.
The remarriage of divorced persons may be sanctioned by the church, in keeping
with the redemptive Gospel of Jesus Christ, when sufficient penitence for sin and
failure is evident, and a firm posture of an endeavor after Christian marriage is
manifested. Divorced persons should give prayerful thought to discover if Gods
vocation for them is to remain unmarried, since one failure in this realm raises
serious questions as to the rightness and wisdom of undertaking another union. If
the Minister has any questions about the readiness of divorced persons to remarry
according to these principles, the Church Session should be consulted and its
concurrence sought.
5-5 The Ministers Role in Marriage: It is the duty of the Minister to consult with
the couple contemplating marriage. They should be given godly advice concerning
the establishment of a Christian home, as well as instruction in the meaning of
marriage in Gods sight, and the biblical teachings of the roles, duties, and
relationships within the home. The Minister should give such other counsel which
seems needful, wise, and helpful that the couple may be well prepared for their
new estate in marriage. Should the Minister be convinced that genuine faith is
absent, that full responsibility for one another is missing, and that the blessings of
God are not likely to rest upon such a relationship, the marriage ceremony should
not be performed. It is the duty of the Minister to meet all civil requirements in
performing and properly registering the marriage. In addition, the Minister shall
report the marriage to the Church Session which shall record it in its permanent
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records. It is wise for a Minister to keep a personal record of marriages which

includes the names, the dates, the place, and the civil body issuing the authority to
marry.
5-6 The Service of Christian Marriage: The marriage ceremony is an act of
worship. For that reason, it is under the direction of the Minister only and shall
always be characterized by reverence throughout. Music should be appropriate to
the occasion and the Church Session or
Book of Worship Chapter 5: Christian Marriage
the Minister may determine what music is acceptable. Appropriate hymns sung by
all are always proper. The decorations and all appointments should not be
ostentatious or so call attention to themselves as to distract the worshipers from
their duty to God on such a solemn occasion. The service itself should be
conducted with dignity and reverence, beginning with prayers for the new home
being established and for the members of the new family. Vows shall be
exchanged, appropriate Scriptures read, and a charge may be given which sets
forth both the duties and privileges of marriage. The Minister shall conclude the
ceremony by publicly declaring that the couple is now husband and wife and the
benediction shall be pronounced.
5-7 The Blessing of a Civil Marriage: Persons who have been married by a civil
authority may desire to have that marriage blessed by a service in the Church,
performed by a Minister of the Gospel. It is proper to perform such services,
provided all the conditions for a couple preparing for marriage are observed. A
marriage should never be sanctioned that does not meet the criteria laid down
herein.
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