How To Be Me in My Family Tree

How To Be Me In My Family Tree
Copyright 2012 by Gary R. Sweeten

Sweeten Life Systems Publishing
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any
means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written
permission from the author.
This book is the service of Sweeten Life Systems, a non-profit faith based organization in the
United States of America.
Executive Editor Andrea Bowsher
Editing Assistant RuthAnn Koepke
Cover Design and Graphics: Halter Design
Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version
Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, International Bible Society
Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers
The stories and anecdotes are a combination of real events and creative interpretations with
names and places changed to keep the information private.
For additional course material contact:
http://www.sweetenlife.com
P.O. Box 498455
Cincinnati, OH 45249
531-744-4630
Table of Contents
Dedication ................................................................................................................................................ 1
Preface ...................................................................................................................................................... 3
Chapter 1 Biblical Foundations: Creation Ordinances and Fallen Nature ...................... 10
Chapter 2 Capturing a Family History with Genograms ........................................................ 26
Chapter 3 Human Growth and Maturity ...................................................................................... 38
Chapter 4 Triangl es in Family Life................................................................................................ 49
Chapter 5 Triangles in Christian Ministry .................................................................................. 63
Chapter 6 Christian Couples and Conflict ................................................................................... 75
Chapter 7 Is My Family Like A Furnace or a Wood Stove? .................................................... 89
Chapter 8 Family Rol es and Rel ationships ............................................................................... 97
Chapter 9 Improving Family Relationships ............................................................................ 110
Chapter 10 The Results and Healing of Bitter Roots ........................................................... 118
Appendix A. Three Aspects of Sanctification .......................................................................... 129
Appendix C. Blank Genogram Form ........................................................................................... 133
Appendix D. Sweeten Family Model .......................................................................................... 134
Appendix E. A Harrowing Story about Names (Author Anonymous) ............................ 135
Appendix F. The Moth Struggles to Grow................................................................................. 136
Appendix G. The Double Dirty Dozen of Codependents ..................................................... 137
Appendix H. Examples of Reactivity: A Case Study of Jan and Irene .............................. 138
Appendix I. The Night I Stopped Being a Referee ................................................................. 146
Appendix J. The Good Report Card............................................................................................. 149
Appendix K. A Separation Agreement for Committed Couples ........................................ 150
Appendix L. Encouraging Children to Leave Home .............................................................. 151
Appendix M. Family System Coaching....................................................................................... 152
Appendix N. Works Cited ............................................................................................................... 156
Appendix O. Bibliography ............................................................................................................. 158
How to Be Me in My Family Tree

Dedication
To my Great Grandfather, Thomas Dempsey, his wife Belle McKinney Dempsey, and their
daughter Nancy Dempsey Taylor. I thank God for their legacy of following Christ, openness to
the Holy Spirit, and fervor to share the good news. Rev. Tom was a farmer, an evangelist, a
church planter, and a pastor. Nannie was a model of a Spirit-filled woman, a Bible scholar, a
worship leader, and a fearless woman of faith. She was full of God-inspired compassion and
used her small retail store to help the poor.
Dempsey Family, Tom, Nannie and Belle, circa 1904
Dempsey Family: Cousin Paul, Adopted Daughter Minnie, Rev. Thomas. J.,
Wife Belle, Daughter Nannie, and unnamed mule on homestead near Spring Garden, IL.
Free Will Baptist Pastors at Tamaroa, Il in1903. T.J. in middle
Rev. T.J. Dempsey and flock. The date is unknown
Preface
But may the righteous be glad
and rejoice before God;
may they be happy and joyful.
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Sing to God, sing in praise of his name,

extol him who rides on the clouds,
rejoice before himhis name is the LORD.
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A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.
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God sets the lonely in families,

he leads out the prisoners with singing;
but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land. Psalm 68:3-6
The family is naturally fallen, broken, dysfunctional, and lonely, but God has a plan to make
them places of healing and growth. The number of children who go to bed hungry for love in
America and the world is larger than that of those who go to bed hungry for food. Yet it is much
easier to provide physical food than it is love, nurture and care. These are the invisible
necessities of life.
A few years ago our ministry applied for and won a small grant from the State of Ohio. The state
officials had decided there was a crisis of hunger in the citizens. In an attempt to better meet the
needs of people, they offered grants to non-profit groups, including faith based groups like ours.
Their charge was to come up with innovative ways to feed emotionally hungry children and
families. The crisis was a lack of parental love, especially a lack of fathering.
Before receiving the grant, we attended training laying out the extent of the crisis and the needs
that came as a result. One of the illustrations came from Beech Acres, an organization dedicated
to fostering healthy family life. The Beech Acres staff visited an inner city school in Cincinnati
to find out how many children lived in a home where the father was present. She was stunned to
discover that less than 10% raised their hands. This is a serious crisis in all of America, not just
inner city Cincinnati.
This book is a continuation of the Breaking Free materials but has a focus on healing and growth
in family life. As Psalm 68:6 says, God sets the lonely in families. Many people in the world
have been abandoned by humans but God wants families to be places of refuge and healing in
love. I am writing this on the weekend of Fathers Day. Anyone who reflects on the meaning of
this holiday will recognize the depth of the crisis we face.
When we first heard of Inner Healing in 1972 the teachers cast it as a way to minister to the inner
life of emotions. The human body was considered outer life and the soul as inner life. The early
teachers placed a big emphasis on healing the family tree. However, there was no systematic way
to analyze family issues other than praying general prayers to cover every possible sin and
behavior. We needed a way to analyze the multi-generational family system perspective. Several
years ago, we discovered that Genograms were a great way to study our family tree. It allows us
to combine genealogy with a personal and spiritual family history.
Genograms were developed by doctors, psychologists, social workers, and counselors who
specialized in family concerns. It allows us to trace and note specific family patterns from
generation to generation. These patterns were implied and listed by early writers and teachers but
with Genograms we can draw charts showing how families are connected. You will quickly see
connections in your family physically, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally by using
Genogram Charts.
From what we can find, the current Genogram symbols and studies were originally developed by
Monica McGoldrick and Randy Gerson in the book Genograms in Family Assessment. Since
that time Dr. McGoldrick and her colleagues have written extensively about family of origin
work and further developed the Genogram symbols and meaning. Dr. Gerson died in 1995. Most
of their basic theories were based the research of Dr. Murray Bowen.
Very little of the Bowen theory and its practitioners like Dr. McGoldrick deal with religion and
spirituality except as a cursory part of the family culture. However, the number of Christian
clergy and counselors who understand and use Bowen theory in Pastoral Care has grown
dramatically because of the influence of Rabbi Dr. Edwin Friedman. He studied with Dr. Bowen
and wrote an influential book for religious leaders. That book, From Generation to Generation:
Family Process in Church and Synagogue is an essential guide for leaders of Christian
organizations.
I studied with Dr. Friedman for a year, traveling back and forth to his quarterly seminars in
Bethesda, Maryland. Dr. Friedman was a wonderful man and one of the best teachers I ever had.
However, he was, like many Reformed Jews, an agnostic that did not look at the supernatural
aspects of generational issues. Dr. Friedman approached religious leadership by focusing on the
human dynamics of four families: The Historic Family, The Family of Origin, the Nuclear
Family, and the Religious or Congregational Family. He showed how the human issues of ones
Family of Origin impact every following Nuclear Family for generations. He also showed us
how the roles we play and rules we follow from those human families play themselves out in
religious systems.
To the insights offered by Bowen, Friedman, McGoldrick and others we have added biblical
principles about family behavior from generation to generation. I have also added information
and insights about the supernatural dimensions of family life and healing into the teachings of
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Bowen, Friedman and McGoldrick. In this study we will examine not only human factors that
cause families to get stuck in dysfunctional patterns, but also the impact of spiritual life as both
positive and negative factors in family life. We also add teachings on ways to unleash Gods
supernatural power for healing. This means that we must invent new symbols and ways to gather
information about the family tree that secular therapists do not include in their Genograms.
Because we take the reality of sin, guilt, shame, bondage, and evil seriously, we also present the
dynamics or spiritual warfare, healing prayers, confession, repentance, renewing the mind, etc. as
part of the toolbox of healing/growth interventions. These are in addition to the interventions
devised by insightful, caring and wise humanist thinkers. We owe a debt of gratitude for the
leadership of secular men and women who are helping us find a gold mine of insights about
family systems. The Bible mentions generational blessings and curses in passing but with little
detail. God leaves it to us to discover how to find freedom from grandmas idolatry. Although I
had read the Bible many times, it was not until I was thirty that I started to understand the
biblical teaching about supernatural healing.
Many of the dysfunctional patterns that we inherit from our family tree are behavioral in nature
and require repentance to change. Those changes can promote the health of our current family
and work. Other patterns will require sessions of prayer and spiritual warfare plus changes in
behavior. Still others will require discernment and Gods wisdom to figure out how best to
handle the issues revealed. Any and all interventions are best implemented in a caring, loving,
Spirit-filled community as described in Hope and Change for Humpty Dumpty from Course I.
Most human wounds come from unhealthy relationships so they must be healed in healthy
relationships.
I have been working on understanding my family of origin for almost four decades. Each time I
look over my Genogram, I get new insights and ideas about how I have been impacted by my
family past. Dr. Friedman taught us that one could not understand himself or herself until he/she
had looked at the family patterns of four generations. The first time I heard that comment I knew
almost nothing of my family history. Now I know quite a lot, but there is much more that awaits
my research. In fact, as I currently review notes from the past, I rediscovered an incident that
brought up more painful memories that need Gods massage.
You will read about and see the Genograms of many famous families. Each is used by Dr.
McGoldrick to illustrate certain types of family systems. For example, scripture and family of
origin theory both assert the importance of honoring parents and yet leaving home emotionally.
Genograms of some famous families show what happens when there is a violation of those
principles. The writers do not invoke biblical truth as their source but make several insightful
statements about ways to heal the results. They do not, however, draw on the supernatural
interventions that we have in our toolbox, so we have added biblical interventions to their
insights. We have the best of both worlds.
In many instances there are no formulas or required prayers to use in a situation, so you must
hear God and invite His healing and change. There are principles we can follow from the Bible
and from studying our family tree, but there are very few rigid rules that we must always follow.
This is one reason that teaching these principles and seeking Gods healing is best and most
effectively accomplished in a group setting.
God often places others in the group who emotionally represent a relative the member needs to
deal with to bring healing from a past event. For example, in our classes we use Family Recreation Plays. A member acts as Director to recreate an important family event that brought pain
or confusion to him or her. The student chooses classmates to represent each family member,
including the Director. In many instances, the people chosen to act out the parts will reexperience similar events in their own lives. This allows Gods Spirit to release the Balm of
Gilead on several class members at one time.
We will share with you the testimonies of former students who used the Genogram process to
understand their own families and found healing and release. We will not reveal details that
would allow you to know their identities. We have changed names, locations, and some specifics
to protect their identities, unless we have received permission to reveal those details.
These situations will be told quickly and you may conclude that the healing occurred
immediately. In some cases that is true, but in most cases the people have spent days, weeks,
months or years reviewing their Genogram and seeking Gods healing intervention. If it has
taken years to develop the dysfunctional patterns it may take some time to unravel the twisted
family ties that blind.
Most of the interventions require repentance and the development of new habits as well as
miraculous interventions of the Holy Spirit. For example, we often discover that anger and
bitterness are deeply ingrained habits of the mind, will, emotions, and body as well as spiritual
strongholds. It may take years to reverse compulsive habits even after the root is cut off. This is
why we recommend that every person study the Power Christian Thinking and Breaking Free
materials as well as How To Be Me In My Family Tree.
Most of our materials were developed when we were on the staff of College Hill Presbyterian
Church in Cincinnati, Ohio. God called us to implement Ephesians chapters four through six,
about equipping Gods people to be priests and ministers to each other. Our church became an
equipping center building loving relationships with God, self and others. We also focused on
discovering our gifts, call and ministry.
The term equip in Greek is katartismos and has several possible meanings, all of which point to
growing into maturity. My Swedish friends say in that language it is used to mean to outfit a
Viking ship of war. The image of a captain recruiting and establishing a ship going on a long
voyage into hostile territory is an apt image for the churches of Christ.
The ships Officers, Elders in a church, must think long term about the health and welfare of
their ship. Viking ships and other sailing vessels travelled for months and even years; they had to
plan for every contingency for a long, dangerous journey. They had to select and train gunners,
food servers, carpenters, doctors, sail makers, navigators, and so forth. People became sick,
wounded, and sometimes rebellious. The officers had to discipline the crew. It was warfare,
which meant every crewmember had to be well equipped and cross-trained. (Captain and
Commander, 20th Century Fox, 2003 is a view of the requirements of leadership.)
We believe that equipping means that leaders are to:
Mend the broken hearted
Mobilize Christians for service, caring, sharing, and loving ministry
Master the Bible and spiritual teaching
If you wanted to be an influential Christian, would you desire to:
Witness to thousands of people about Jesus?
Build a big congregation with many campuses and movie screens?
Write a book?
Preach on TV?
Serve others?
Disciple/equip a few people deeply?
All of these activities can be godly and impactful. However, the method taught by Jesus is to
disciple/equip a few people so they can multiply themselves. Multiplication is more impactful
than addition, but exponential growth is best of all. From 30 A.D. to 300 A.D. Christian growth
was phenomenal. Growth came fast and deep because it operated on the notion that every
Christian was called to serve, evangelize and heal. Each one reaches one and each one teaches
one. Christian influence grew so powerful that the Emperor of the Roman Empire was
impressed. He, like all politicians, wanted to get the Christian vote, so he made Christianity the
state supported religion. Priests became politicians and bureaucrats. They were concerned about
pleasing the Emperor and his henchmen whether it pleased God or not. Only a few special,
carefully selected people were allowed to preach, teach, serve and evangelize. The model that
Jesus taught was exponential in growing disciples. The model we inherited from Emperor
Constantine is subtractive. Only a few Christians could minister.
The Church of the Savior in Washington, D.C. taught us how to build a balanced congregation.
They taught about leading people through a journey into the heart to discover Gods life in the
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vine. Once the inner life was strong we can take our insights to others on a journey out in a
continuous cycle. We wanted every one of the 2500 members of College Hill Presbyterian
Church to become teleios: mature in Christ. Mature Christians would minister at home,
neighborhood, work, and ministry. Thousands of lay and clergy are still involved in rearing
multiplied generations of healthy offspring while leading churches and non-profits all over the
world.
God longs to build congregations that equip, train and coach every member to operate as a
mature minister. Unfortunately, church members are as liable to divorce as atheists. From news
reports about mega-churches and authors selling millions of books, we see that the preferred
mode of leadership is not coaching or disciple making but marketing. The only gift sought by
many church boards is the gift of gab, not the gifts of teaching, mentoring, and caring.
In our book Hope and Change for Humpty Dumpty, we related many stories and research studies
about the ways a church, small group, friendships and families can become a healing community.
We strongly suggest that you reread chapters two and three in that book to remind yourself of
how important relationships are to healing. In fact, research from many Clinical Counseling
studies indicates that the relationship between the Counselor and the Seeker is more important
than the interventions, which the Counselor attempts.
The same is true of Christians involved in healing and growth. As St. Paul says in I Corinthians
13:13, These three remain, faith, hope and love but the greatest is love. This means that it is
more important for a fellowship to live in love than in power. The fruit of the Spirit is superior to
doctrine and gifts when it comes to healing.
I have an acrostic to remind me of the balance needed to help churches, small groups and
families become healing communities. GRACE: Gracious Relationships And Christ Encounters.
As Ephesians 4; says:
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Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and
there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful
scheming. 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the
mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. 16 From him the whole body, joined and held
together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its
work.
By speaking the truth in love we will grow up in every way. This includes mental, physical,
relational, social, willful, and so forth. Grace and Truth with life changing Christ Encounters will
bring changes to our lives. The focus of this course is healing the family tree from generation to
generation. Let us not get so caught up in the promise of power encounters that we lose sight of
the importance of love encounters with each person we interact with daily. Love and caring have
a powerfully positive effect on the body as well as the soul. There is a saying among Counselors
that illustrates the importance of warm caring. We need four hugs a day to stay sane; eight hugs a
day to keep our balance emotionally; and twelve hugs a day to grow as a person.
In Romans 16:16 Paul tells us to Greet one another with a holy kiss. Maybe we need sixteen holy
hugs and holy kisses to be healed and grow into maturity in Jesus. Wherever and whenever we
gather holy hugs and holy kisses bring Gracious Relationships And Christ Encounters.
The truths contained in the materials on healing and growth will be distributed widely. Many of
our friends are teaching these principles in places around the world. Truth separated from
experience will always remain in doubt. What is needed most are not broad and shallow
teachings but narrow and deep discipleship. This is how Jesus changed the world. We want to
see homes and communities where Gods truth, love, and power are exercised daily and hourly,
where friends, family members and needy strangers will find the way of Christ.
Irving Stone wrote a book They Also Ran about men who ran for the Presidency of the United
States but lost. William Jennings Bryan was described, perhaps unfairly, as having a mind that was
as Deep as a dishpan and as wide as the Pacific Ocean because he had big dreams. The push
for more passion and big dreams has some utility but seems like American marketing and
strategic planning more than Holy Spirit inspired equipping. Let us go forth and equip Gods
people to do the ministry of truth and love.
Chapter 1 Biblical Foundations: Creation

Ordinances and Fallen Nature
(Note: many of these concepts were also covered in other materials but are essential to
understanding how to bring positive changes into families.)
God believes that families are important. It was the first institution that He created. From the
foundation of the world family life was given a central place in Gods plan. There were no
churches, no political organizations, no schools, and no businesses; but there was a family. We
cannot separate In the beginning God created from family life. It is essential to our
understanding of Gods love and His plan of redemption.
The first two chapters of Genesis describe the only time in history that there was a normal
family. The relationship of Adam and Eve prior to the Fall was the only functional family in all
of history, and even they were imperfect. Here is a family before dysfunction became the norm.
What was life like for the first family? How did they relate to each other before men were from
Mars and women were from Venus? Unfortunately, we have only a sketchy view of life in that
period in history.
In His Image
Adam and Eve were each created in the image and likeness of the Creator. This is a fabulous
and wonderful truth. Its power and importance are enhanced since it is the highlight of the first
chapter of the first book of God's revelation. Lets look at Genesis 2:26-27.
So God said, Let us make man in our image, according to Our likeness; and let
them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle
and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth.
And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him;
male and female He created them.
The Creator God of the universe made all humanity in His image and likeness. I get emotional
just reading the passages for they move me with a sense of awe. I want to worship the God who
created everything in the universe, including me. In response to the Word of the Lord I begin to
sing The Doxology with great enthusiasm, but only in my mind lest my life partner wake up with
a shock.
Most commentators take this statement about the imago Dei to mean that humans are a dim
reflection of God and we share His communicable attributes. A desire for justice, an ability to
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make moral decisions and the desire to love sacrificially are evidence of His image in us. It
takes the imago Dei to be a spark of deity within humankind that enables us to make decisions
that are extensions of Gods will.
The scripture uses a play on words to describe His creation. God created Adam (human person)
out of adamah (the ground). We are grounded on this earth but fashioned into something wholly
other. Origin does not indicate destiny. Although taken from the earth we were fashioned and
formed for something far greater than earthbound animals, Adam and Eve were an entirely new
order of life. That life form is wholly different from the plants and animals that surrounded it
then and now. Human life is called nephesh, an alive being. However, we are also a nephesh
chaiyah, an ensouled-being. Even though we originated in the dust and dirt of earth, we were
destined for a divine relationship; humans were designed for eternity from the beginning. We
were destined for an eternal relationship with the Creator Himself. Animals have nephesh, an
enlivened energy, but humans are different. Although our bodies come from the ground, our
inner being, nephesh chaiyah, comes from God.
Then the Lord God formed man out of the dust from the ground and breathed into
his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being. (Gen. 2:7)
This sentence describes the single most important reality in life. It is the basis for our faith and
for the love of God shown in Jesus Christ. Plants are not destined for glory nor are animals.
This truth is central to our faith and our life. It forms our understanding of humanity. It guides
us ethically and informs our morals. It offers hope for eternity and it commands us to treat every
person with dignity. Glory means that we have status, importance, significance, identity and an
eternal inheritance.
The Image As Ambassador

But this is not the full extent of what it means to having been created in the image of God. In
Created in the Image of God: The Ancient Near Eastern Background of the Imago Dei, Scott N.
Morschauser supposes that the imago Dei has more application to our exercise of spiritual
authority than anything else. Kings in the Ancient Near East used the term imago Dei to indicate
a certain subject was his representative who carried his authority. The image bearer was a
herald, an ambassador, or a person who carried the standard of the king. He always pointed to
the one from whom the power came. The image was not a mirror of the king, but a
representation of his power.
The image bearer had no authority to act on his own. He carried out the orders and wishes of the
sovereign. The imago dei bearers were usually judges, ambassadors, priests, and generals. It
was a political/legal concept rather than a psychological or spiritual attribute. These
representatives of the king had to understand, and obey his word. They carried out his orders
because they served under the kings authority.
The statement in Genesis He created them male and female is not just an indication of gender,
but also an indication of responsibility and authority for both men and women. Males and
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females are representatives of the sovereign Lord. Both must acknowledge that the source of
their authority and mission is God. Morschauser points out that males and females had roles in
the service of God.
And God blessed them and said to them: Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth
and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the
air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth. And God said: Behold,
I have given to you every plant yielding seedyou shall have them for food. And
to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that
creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every plant
for food. (Gen. 1:28.)
This is God's blessing for all humanity. It is a three-fold royal grant.
The servant/heralds are given the right to reproduce forever.
They are to subdue and have dominion over the rest of creation. The Hebrew words
imply not total control but a limited, even benign, approach to domesticate and shepherd
under God's divine will.
Provision of food is promised like it would be to any ambassador.
All of this comes from the grace of the sovereign Lord who viewed His handiwork and called it
very good. In the Ancient Near East, this meant that which is agreeable to the one who initiated
the covenant. Adam and Eve fit into the plan for ruling and reigning with God over the created
world. After offering a divine blessing of goodness, the story closes with God instituting the
Sabbath. God said, You can use the Sabbath to rest from your labor to worship. (Gen. 2:2)
Since God is the beginning and the end, the creator and the sustainer of the universe, Adam and
Eve do little else but worship and serve Him as ambassadors. It is the only appropriate response.
Created Male and Female

The second creation story adds texture and excitement to the relationship between our ancestors.
As a result of meditating on it, I have a fuller appreciation of Gods original intention for His
people as He placed them in the pristine garden.
It is not good for man to be alone so I shall make a helper fit for him. (Gen. 2:18)
The word helper in Hebrew is ezer and means to be an ally with power. The same word is used
elsewhere to describe three kings who are going to war as allies. The supporting term, fit for
him, is translated from the Hebrew kenegdo and means equality. When the two are placed
together we get allies of equal authority. Gods pronouncement makes the co-equal status of
Adam and Eve plain.
After creating the animals God said, There is no helper suitable for Adam. Adam had plenty of
animals. He did not, however, have an ally of equality with whom to share heart and soul. God
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created Eve because He wanted His ambassador to have a support system for communion and
teamwork.
And the Lord fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken out of the man
and He brought her to the man. (Gen. 2:22)
God did not fashion Eve out of the mans feet to be trod upon, nor out of his head to be thought
about, or out of his hands to be his servant; but out of his side to be his partner and colleague.
God created us to develop communication and mutual relationships with intimate interactions
created to walk side by side. Adams response was powerful and ecstatic. I hold this to mean that
couples are to work together in a harmonious team by drawing on each others gifts, talents,
emotional temperament, personality traits, and motivational energy. God created a family in His
image.
This is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman because she was
taken out of man. (Gen. 2:23)
The Creators next statement is as unexpected as it is astute. For this cause a man shall
leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife and the two shall become one
flesh. (Gen. 2:24)
As a family therapist I have great confidence that this is a comment of incredible power and
importance. It sets the stage for families to develop into functional communities from generation
to generation. We see it as a summary of many of the principles that we hold dear. If we gave
this command the deference it deserves and followed it closely to make sure children leave home
emotionally, our families would be stronger. Our children would then be able to assist their kids
to also leave home well, and the status of Christian families would be far less dismal.
To leave father and mother does not mean a physical or geographical move, but a mental,
emotional, and spiritual emancipation. Each new generation is to have its own personal, unique
relationship with mates, children and God. God has no grandchildren. Christianity is always just
one generation from extinction. This is so important that He said it before the Fall. It is located
in the creation ordinances and indicates His desire for all humanity for all time. It is as applicable
today as then.
There is a three-fold process indicated in this passage:
1. Leave father and mother
2. Cleave to your wife (spouse); and
3. Become one flesh with her/him.
Leaving home emotionally, spiritually, and mentally is an essential prerequisite for the other two
to successfully occur. It is emotionally impossible to cleave to a spouse if we have not first left
home emotionally and spiritually.
To cleave means to be glued to in a total commitment. The Old English word is troth. A man has
nothing to give a woman if he is not emancipated from his parents. When we are more
committed to our parent than to our spouse, we are in danger of divorce.
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To cleave also means that the relationship is a sexual union as well as emotional and spiritual
union. The union of children with parents is emotional and spiritual but never sexual. This
reveals a key boundary for all families for all time.
It is likewise impossible to move to the third stage and become one flesh if we have not fully
glued ourselves to our spouse. Becoming one flesh as described by the Bible is more than
simply sexual intercourse. Being woven together includes the mind, will, emotions, and spirit as
well as the body. Many couples experience frustration and disunity because one or both has
failed to leave home. It can only be remedied by emancipating and becoming fully committed to
one another.
God laid out this plan and structure for all humankind. We violate His structure at our peril. The
three stages of the structure are: (1) Grow up; (2) Commit our grown-up self to a grown-up
spouse; and (3) Develop a deep, grown-up, committed intimacy together. Humans can and do
violate all of these commands. We may think we are rebelling only against God if we fight the
commands, but we are also hurting ourselves.
And the man and his wife were both naked and they were not ashamed. (Gen. 2:25) is a simple
yet profound truth. It has deep implications for us as individuals, families, and a culture. We
shall not be able to plumb the deepest parts of this passage, but we can explore it.
When it comes to the importance of male/female communication the statement has no peer.
What can be more profound than the Creator of the universe blessing our union by removing all
reasons to hide from each other? Despite all the paintings to the contrary, this statement is not
about fashion, clothing, or nudity. Did Adam and Eve have clothing on in the Garden of Eden or
were they nude? How long did they live in this blissful state before the snake entered the garden
party? Was sex a part of their relationship prior to the Fall? Did they have children prior to Cain
and Abel?
We do not know the answer but I am sure that the issue was not clothing. The couple was naked
in heart and soul. Adam and Eve were living transparently with God, themselves, and each
other. They related with an open heart and open mind with nothing hidden. It means that sexual
union was holy and right with no resulting guilt or shame. Some Christians mistakenly think that
the first sin was sexual because sex is inherently evil. That is not true.
God
Adam
Eve
Here we see the symbols for an open heart. God has opened Himself up to intimacy with His
creatures and they, in turn, are wholly open to Him. Adam and Eve had the ability to know
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themselves fully. In modern parlance, neither had an unconscious mind so all inner information
is recoverable to them.
When scripture says that they were not ashamed it gives us a glimpse into the mind of God about
the state of His creatures. The Hebrew word for shame is bwash and means to have a pale
face. When a person lowers his face and eyes and breaks visual contact with another person, it
usually indicates shame. As my mother would say, You cant trust that man because he has no
countenance. A lack of countenance means that one cannot face us.
The term shame is common in scripture and has many implications. To shame another person is
to dishonor them. We noted above that being created in God's image means that we share His
glory or honor. When we treat others disrespectfully we take their honor away. Dishonor is to
bring disgrace on another human.
Guilt has to do with getting justice for disobedience. To be guilty means that we owe a just
penalty. However, once that debt to society has been paid, we are restored to the community. In
guilt, I am personally liable, and I must personally pay for the deeds I have done. In the Bible,
guilt is an important concept with specific terms and phrases used to describe what it means and
certain ritual to remove the guilt.
Shame, however, is associated with a loss of status, inheritance, and person-hood in the
community. It is a communal experience. Shame indicates a loss of favor, honor, respect, or
face with the community. We deserve to be removed from the community with no hope of
restoration by our actions to the community. We can only be restored by action of group. They
alone can invite us back into the circle.
Adam and Eve were transparent. They were open and naked in every respect yet without shame.
In other words, they had open faces and could look God and each other in the eye without fear of
a loss in status. Their position was one of high status, honor, importance, inheritance, and
authority. The central placement of this passage indicates just how important it is to God for His
creatures to live in such a state. It is my goal to be transparent in my marriage.
The status and transparency of the first family occurred in living, emotional, interacting beings.
How do we know they were emotional and lively? We read the passage that describes the way
God chose to make them into living beings.
He breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and the man became a living being. (Gen. 2:7)
The word nostrils is very interesting. It can be translated as the nose. However, in some places it
is translated emotions, especially anger. Why would the term nostrils indicate emotional life?
Scripture often uses poetic or symbolic terms to describe things. Here nostrils is a non-verbal
symbol of emotions. Does this indicate that emotions are an integral, foundational dimension of
what it means to be a living creature? Does it mean that our ability to experience emotions,
including anger, comes originally from the Creator? Yes!
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A Summary of Creation Ordinances with Implications for Families Today
Both male and female were created in the image of God. Men and women are similar to God
but different from God.
Equality of male/female person-hood is indicated.
Male and female were equal in authority, responsibility, and ambassadorship.
God assigned both men and women to be servant leaders over the rest of creation.
Adam and Eve were created to have an equal partnership in service. This can be called
mutual submission or teamwork.
God gave a command for parents to rear their children so they would leave home for and be
committed to a mate.Gods command for spouses is to be glued together for life.
Gods command for spouses includes a deep intimacy by becoming one flesh.
Adam and Eve had an open, transparent, shame-free relationship.
Humans were created for sexual union, so sex is holy and sanctified within marriage.
Gods breath endowed Adam and Eve with a rich emotional life.
Each of these is a part of the differentiation process.
Fallen Nature and Family Life

The story of Eden is like good news--bad news joke. We have heard the good news of creation,
authority, union dominion, and love, but now we must face the music: the bad music--the
distorted music. The bad news comes and forces us to again look for the Good News of
redemption. Everything that was created to be good became distorted and confused. All of the
wonderful characteristics of the first family became unbalanced and dysfunctional. Sin,
sickness, and psychopathology entered the world.
Fallen Nature causes sickness and distortion to ruin every aspect of Gods perfect creation.
However, we shall focus primarily on its impact in family life. In Genesis Chapters 1 and 2 we
see Gods intention for a harmonious, well-formed family to rule and reign with Him. We shall
now examine what happens when disharmony enters the universe and His creatures misplace that
ruling. Genesis 3:
6
When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight
to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, she took from its
fruit and ate; and she gave some to her husband who was with her and he also
ate. 7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were
naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves girdles for
coverings.
8
And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of
the day, and man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God
among the trees of the garden. 9 Then the Lord God called to the man, and said to
him, Where are you? 10 And he said, I heard the sound of your presence in the
garden and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself.
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11
And God said, Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the
tree of which I commanded you not to eat? 12 And the man said, The woman
whom You gave to be with me, she gave me food from the tree and I ate it. 13
Then the Lord God said to the woman, What is this that you have done? And
the woman said, The serpent deceived me, and I ate.
16
To the woman He said, I will greatly multiply your conceptions and your
sorrow in childbirth. In pain you shall bring forth children; yet your desire shall
be for your husband and he shall rule over you.
17
Then to Adam He said, Because you have listened to the voice of your wife,
and you have eaten from the tree about which I commanded you saying, You
shall not eat from it; cursed is the ground because of you; in toil you shall eat of
it all the days of your life. Both thorns and thistles it shall grow for you; and you
shall eat the plants of the field; by the sweat of your face you shall eat bread. Till
you return to the ground, because from it you were taken; for you are dust, and to
dust you shall return.
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The man called the name of his wife Eve because she was the mother of all
living humans. 21 And the Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and for his
wife and He clothed them.
The following remarks give a short summary of the major points about family life from these
passages. Because they are so central to our faith and to our healing, you need to contemplate
their meaning to you. Ask God to lead you into a deep understanding of the truth they contain. It
may be helpful to write them out by hand so you get their exact feel and weight.
Some scholars suggest that these stories are archetypes. This does not mean they are not real
events or that the results are not factual in our life. Rather, archetypes are factual and more than
facts. They are guiding ideas which have a much greater impact on us than if they were simply
isolated stories about ancient people. They are supra true or foundational that continue to
influence the lives of every human being through history.
Salvation History
A few words about salvation history are in order. We can look at scripture and history as having
several different eras or epochs:
Era One - Creation
Era Two - Fallen world
Era Three - The Atonement and its implications for Christian life
Era Four - Growing in the Christian life
Era Five - Heavenly redemption
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We have pointed out the most basic implications of the Creation and how its principles are the
goal God intended for humanity. We will now discuss Era Two, Post-Fall family life and how
the events and Gods response are still impacting humanity. These Post Fall-Pre Atonement
statements are operative in our lives. However, they are not fully prescriptive as Gods will for
us who are now in Christ. Thankfully, we can accept the Post Atonement promises of the New
Testament as being Gods will for us today.
All humanity and especially families must deal with the following fallen realities. It is what
theologians mean when they speak of original sin or total depravity. It is not that we are totally
bad or totally depraved to the point where nothing good can be done by us but that we are deeply
flawed and we cannot change, heal, or save ourselves. Without Gods radical interventions, we
are lost, broken, spiritually rebellious and in slavery to sin. We all live under the curse of the
Law and need Gods grace if we are to be healed.
Think of it like this. If I were to buy a brand new airplane it would be perfect as far as the
creators were concerned because they had found no flaws in it. However, imagine that the pilot
was involved in a terrible crash, tearing the craft to pieces and deeply wounding the pilot. It
would take years for both to be healed or rebuilt. That is our situation. God created us to soar
with Him in the heavenly places. Unfortunately, Adam and Eve drove it into the ground and
were both eternally damaged. Restoration is possible, but even then, the pilots and the crews and
the craft would be less than perfect.
Post-Fall Situation
The first thing that Adam and Eve did after eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and
evil was hide (V. 7, 8, 9, 10). Prior to this time they were naked and not ashamed. They were
transparent with God, themselves, and each other. However, they now hide furtively in all three
areas: God, self and others.
In Genesis 3:8 we read the powerful description of God who came to the Garden for a time of
communion with His creatures. He discovered that they were hiding from intimate communion.
God was not surprised by this fact. Being omniscient, He already knew the facts of their
disobedience. He initiated contact and gave them an opportunity to respond, but they could not
respond as they had in the past.
There is a dramatic move from intimacy, transparency, and joy to fear, hiding, and anxious
hearts; from transparency to shame; from life and eternal hope to certain death and punishment.
No wonder they hid. No wonder they had fear and self-loathing.
They hid unsuccessfully behind leaves, lies, and trees. Imagine the couple squatting like
guerrilla fighters behind a maple tree in their pitiful, little aprons of leaves. They transitioned
from co-rulers of the Garden into frightened, withdrawn, guilty, shameful little children. But the
most interesting action is yet to come. The Lord God comes into their domain and calls out to
them with love.
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The Creator: Where are you? I want to have some fellowship. (God desires
deep intimacy with His creatures.)
Adam: I heard you coming in the Garden and I became afraid. I experienced my
nakedness and I hid from you. (Guilt and shame kept them from communion.)
Creator God: Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the
forbidden fruit? (He gave Adam an opportunity to speak honestly.)
Adam: Uh, well, that woman that You put into my life gave me the fruit and I
ate it.
It was not a confession but an attempt to shift the blame to God and Eve. This is an example of
the broken relations between all three principal players. Adam is alienated from God, himself,
and his mate, Eve. Humans were created to have no subconscious or unconscious parts. Here
we see the beginning of what counselors call defense mechanisms. Adam defends himself
against facing his failures. Defensiveness has not remained dormant over the past generations; it
has grown within us. We who minister hear blame shifting every today. Adam is no longer
celebrating the bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh that he shouted in the Creation story.
Instead he is complaining, blaming her for his own bad decision.
Then the Lord God turned to the woman and said, What have you done? And the
woman said, The serpent deceived me, and I ate. (Eve also looked for someone else to
blame and found the serpent as a convenient scapegoat.) Now their relationships look like
this diagram, all broken and blocked.
Adam and Eve chose to rebel against God and cut themselves off from His life. Adam and Eve
are also largely cut off from their own inner lives. They are not even intimate and transparent
with themselves.
Tragically, they are also cut off from each other. From then onward until today all persons will
experience life and humanity as divided and deceitful. In order for these breaches to be healed,
God sent His only Son to die. However, even after the salvation we need the truth, love and
power of Gods Spirit to help us to face our dysfunctions and sinful patterns personally and
generationally so we can be healed.
The Lords response to Eve in Verse 16 reverberates through history in every family,
relationship, and culture.
I shall greatly multiply your sorrow and your pregnancy; in sorrow you shall
bring forth children.
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Although God actually cursed Satan, He did not curse Adam and Eve. Instead, He informed
them of the long-term consequences of their wrong-headed behavior. The second part about
multiplying pregnancies in this phrase in Hebrew, I shall greatly multiply your sorrow and your
pregnancy is partially left out of some English versions. What does it mean historically for
women to greatly multiply their pregnancies? I think it indicates that Adam and Eve had
control over conception before the Fall. God had told Adam and Eve to be fruitful and
multiply, so pregnancy was not an issue. Rather, prior to the Fall, the first family could choose
when to conceive; following the Fall, that ability was lost.
There is no indication that children were born into this union prior to the Fall. Thus, we assume
that they controlled their fruitfulness for a number of years. We do not know how long it was
before they rebelled. It seems logical that compulsive pregnancy and/or an inability to conceive
are the results of the Fall. The original command to be fruitful could be obeyed at their will.
The statement in Verse 16 is not a command to persons but a demand to nature and obviously
has an enormous impact on all families.
The statement I will greatly increase your sorrow in bringing forth children is important to
unpack, understand and pray about for healing. First, it means women will very likely experience
physical discomfort in childbirth. However, it means more than that. It also includes all of the
agonies of body, mind, emotions, relationships, and spirit found in marriage and parenting. For
example, it means the pain of relating to an uncaring husband, a jealous family, children who
rebel, and others who are not supportive.
It also indicates the dangers women face in bearing children. The dangers and sorrows include
genetic deformities, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, difficult deliveries, and babies hurt in
birthing. Deformities and sickness are imbedded within the DNA of fallen human nature to be
transmitted from generation to generation. There is great pain, as well as joy, in bringing forth
and rearing a child.
Despite the pain of pregnancy, God notes that women will still want to join themselves to a man.
As part of the curse: Yet your desire shall be for your husband.
What deep emotional need or drive would push women to want a male in light of all the
problems that result? There is sorrow, compulsive pregnancies and relational pain and still a
woman seeks a man. The Bible tells us why: You shall desire your husband. It is desire that
propels a woman to seek a man despite the painful consequences. But what does desire mean? It
must be more than a simple wish or interest.
Keil and Delitzsch, the well-known commentators, interpret the term desire as a compulsive
desire bordering on disease. The word is derived from the Hebrew term that describes a person
who has a violent craving for a thing, to subdue it. Women will be emotionally driven to control
men. Lights of recognition go on in the eyes of both men and women when they first hear this
biblical term. Eve was created for mutual cooperation and mutual submission, but now she
would have a compulsive craving to subject, control, and rule her husband. As Paul Harvey says,
this is not the end of the story. It is, in fact, the beginning of the real problems.
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The fact that nature brings together two people with great differences in temperament and needs
would be enough to keep marriage counselors busy, but the Bible lays out an even deeper reason
for conflict. The Lord says to Eve, You shall desire to control a man and he shall rule over you.
This is the second and most complicating part of post fall husband-wife relationships. Women
will have a compulsive desire to control their men, but men will have a compulsive drive to rule
over women. Can anything good come out of such an arrangement? It sets up a cycle of chronic
unhealthy conflict. Is there hope?
Although they were created to be allies who stand and fight together against a common foe, war
has been declared on each other. Men and women are destined to spend a lot of time and energy
trying to rule, control, manipulate and subject each other. This is one reason why so many
couples fight and divorce unless love intervenes.
Creation-allies
Desire to Serve-Support
Post Fall-conflict
Desire to Control-Rule
World history is filled with examples of the sorrow that have comes about when men and women
attempt to control each other. For the most part, women have been denied legal and religious
power and have made up for it with wiles, wisdom and superior relational skills. Thankfully,
Christian theology has brought a massive reduction to the abuse of power by males of women.
The life, death, and resurrection of Christ promises to set women free from the need to control
their husbands and men from the drive to rule over their wives. In cultures where the Word of
God is preached, restoration is occurring but more must be done. We are learning how to lead
folks to live more consistently with Gods creation as allies rather than competitors.
After giving Eve the bad news about the future of family life, He turns to Adam.
Cursed is the ground because of you; in toil you shall eat of it all the days of your life.
Both thorns and thistles it shall grow for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field; by
the sweat of your face you shall eat bread till you return to the ground. Because from it
you were taken. For you are dust, and to dust you shall return. (Gen. 3:17-19)
The implications of the Fall for Eve are primarily focused on the realities of relational and family
disorientation. However, for Adam its impact is focused on the world of work outside the home.
It had been the mission of Adam and Eve to serve and enhance the garden. Work and serving the
world are not a result of the Fall. However, the distortion and pain of work are. The pain and
sorrow of work and the natural world order are focused on Adam. God did not create disease and
disorder; He is not the author of disasters or decay. The blame for those tragedies must fall upon
fallen nature.
In the idyllic Garden of Eden the first family had no worries about finding food or clothing.
Daily Communion with God and one another while tending nature must have been a wonderful
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experience. Work in the Garden of Eden was blissful. But, that is now also distorted. Adam shall
now eat by the sweat of his face. However, a deeper look at this passage reveals more about what
it means.
The Hebrew word for face can actually mean the nostrils into which God first breathed the breath
of life. It is as a result of His breath that Adam and Eve became living creatures. In the present
context, the term is used as a metaphor for anger, competition and aggression. This passage can
be better translated Eat your bread by the force of angry, flared nostrils, conflicts, aggression,
and pain.
This analysis indicates that anger and competition will always haunt the world of work. In order
to survive, all humans will be forced work with intense competition and even anger. The salad
days are over. From now on you shall not labor with joy and freedom but with the heat of anger
and strong emotions showing in your face.
Union-management conflicts that bring strikes around are examples of this principle. My father
was a staunch union man and I heard a lot about the anger that he and other union leaders felt
toward the management. As an adult, I can see it in the words and actions of managers who want
to destroy unions and workers. It also answers the question of the compulsive drive of a
billionaire to work incessantly. I recently heard a caller to a radio program loudly and angrily
call all union members scum. What could possibly make man so angry and hateful?
The Forbes List of Americas Richest People shows Bill Gates is worth over 40 billion dollars.
Despite his wealth he pushes and struggles to expand his empire and destroy competitors. My
dad was fond of telling a story about Henry Ford. He was asked just how much money it would
take for him to be satisfied. Mr. Ford was supposed to have replied, Just one more dollar.
In some ways Dad was wrong. It is not dollars but winning and competition that were most
important. Dad was just as competitive as the managers. His angry competition took the form of
fighting against injustice and bad working conditions. He was proudly claiming Adams mantel
of an angry, competitive, win-lose worker who ate his bread by the heat of his flared nostrils.
Slavery
It can also partially explain the hurt, pain, and anger African Americans feel when they consider
the way they were treated as economic units during slavery. Economic unfairness and economic
struggle are built into the universe. Since the Fall, we have been compulsively involved in
angrily attempting to get what we want and need, no matter if it enslaved other humans or killed
them.
Biblically and historically, the angry compulsion has been more pronounced among men than
among women. It appears that most males enjoy the economic challenges and the competition of
fighting for market share or defeating a rival company for first place in their field. It appears that
men are more naturally drawn into the world of work. Men seem to get their identity from the
work they do. Unfortunately for all of us, there is a growing indication that women are moving in
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this unhealthy direction. Womens liberation has too often been attracted to the worst flaws of
males.
In order to understand and communicate with men we must be able to face the issue of angry
males. In some ways, most churches are far too feminine to attract strong, competitive males. If
it is the nature of most males to love the rough and tumble world of competition, we need to
design programs that can bring them to Christ for growth and appropriately managing those
drives.
Is it any wonder that a symbol for the stock market in America is a raging bull with flared
nostrils? We all pray for a bull market. The Wall Street Journal and other capitalists take great
delight in urging us all to compete and defeat one another. Of course we also see the symbol of a
market down turn is a mad bear. Nobody, but nobody wants to meet up with an angry bear.
Whether the market is up or down the symbols are the emotions of anger and win-lose
competition. Is it a coincidence that the world economic indicators are exactly the same as the
symbols God gave Adam and Eve? Was the writer of Genesis a psychological genius or led by
the Spirit? You decide.
Although Gods ideas about the functions and behavior of men and women are clearly laid out in
Creation they have been distorted as a result of the Fall. We were created to be natural allies with
healthy emotional attachments to God as well as to our spouse and children. Tragically, our
mental/emotional status has been redefined, reoriented and retrograded. Not only do men and
women compete to control and manipulate each other, their distorted emotions have brought
conflict into the family.
Genesis 4 reveals that it is the distortion of healthy emotions that leads Cain to kill his younger
brother Abel. Cain approaches the Lord with predictable anger and jealousy. The Lord had
accepted the offering of Abel but not the offering of Cain. God said:
Why are you angry? And why is your countenance fallen? (Gen. 4:6)
The Lord recognizes the emotional and non-verbal aspects of Cains relationship with Abel. God
connects anger and facial expressions. God predicted Adam and his offspring would be forced to
toil by the heat/sweat of their nostrils. Now He tells Cain that his anger and competition toward
his brother is obvious. The nostrils say it all: that angry bitterness is interfering with his offering
of worship. The Lord says:
If you do well will not your face be lifted up? (Gen. 4:7a)
God says that the issue is the condition of his heart. It is not Abels offering. If your heart is
clean, says the Lord, your face will be open and upright. Remember that the word for shame is
bwash, to have no face. God seems to be saying Cain, if you do well, you will be able to have a
strong countenance and look me in the face with no shame. You will have face. In fact, your face
will be lifted up. This is powerful. God saw the non-verbal signs and offered Cain a way to
change them.
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And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at your door; and its desire is for you, but you
must master it. (Gen. 4: 7b)
This sentence, with its symbolism and double meaning, is pregnant with understatement. The
word used here for desire is the same used in Chapter Three to describe the desire women will
have for their husbands. Sin is personalized and alive and demands a victim. Like a hungry lion
it crouches, ready to pounce. God tells Cain how he is in spiritual trouble.
If your countenance is bad and you cannot look at me with an open face, Sin is stalking
you like a wild animal. The desire of Sin is to subdue you. It is a roaring lion. But, says
God, you can and must master it.
Conflicts, murder, and wars have all been traced to competitiveness in the marketplace and, like
here, in the family. It all began with one family in a perfect garden but haunts today by turning
gardens into waste heaps of ashes. Family fights, divorces, wars, and competitive, win-at-all-cost
ventures destroy us. We went from serving the garden to raping nature and one another. Only
God can help us.
A Summary of Fallen Characteristics
The universe and world suffer from sin, sickness and pain. All disease, accidents, natural
disasters and problems stem directly from that event.
Humans are separated from God.
Humans are separated from each other.
Humans are separated from themselves.
Conception and the sorrow of conception are increased.
Sorrow is increased in bearing children.
Women lost ally status and have a compulsive desire to rule her man.
Men lost ally status and have a compulsive desire to control his woman.
Women are drawn to family and relationships.
The world of work is distorted and cursed.
Men are drawn to the world, competition and work.
Anger and competition in the work place are a result of the Fall.
Separation of body and soul at death.
The return of the body to dust.
The particular intensity of any of these dimensions of sorrow varies from person to person
and from family to family. Some cultures seem to amplify certain aspects of the Fall while
others emphasize a completely different part.
The Falls impact is transmitted from generation to generation.
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These aspects of Fallen Nature are passed from generation to generation by sinful persons and
sinful families that impact us and our children.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
Fallen Nature
Acts of sin
Family neglect and trauma
Illnesses, accidents, and wars
Birth defects
Self-neglect and trauma
Key assumptions
All of the items mentioned above are indelible aspects of human nature.
All of these are undesirable and miss the mark of God. They are, therefore, sinful.
Gods plan includes the elimination of all fallen dimensions.
Some of that work is accomplished immediately when we come to know Christ, but much of
the substantial healing God has for us occurs during our Christian walk.
Believers use a number of different principles from scripture and from science to overcome
the distortions and pain of the Fall. We are encouraged to wisely apply any technique not
forbidden in scripture.
There are many examples of scientific responses to the problems caused by the Fall. For
example: air conditioning, fertilizer, birth control methods, psychological study of marital
communication, and psychiatric medications for depression and anxiety.
The Christians redemptive response to the Fall is found in the truth, fruit and gifts of God. This
paper will examine many of the biblical and spiritual responses to family dysfunction. We shall
also look at some psychological research as well as the wise practices of Christian leaders in an
attempt to guide us in our quest to grow in stature, maturity, and relational wholeness in each of
our families.
The traditional role of Christians and the church is called Soul Care or the Care and Cure of
Souls. We tend to currently call these traditions Inner Healing as opposed to Physical Healing.
Those of us interested in the care and cure of the soul need to understand all the potential causes
of problems as well as the biblical ways to bring relief, healing, and growth as well as foster
prevention.
Without the love, truth, and power of God there is no real hope for healing or changing
humankind. However, with Gods direction, leadership and grace we can expect to see
substantial healing in every one of these problematic areas. This is an important assumption. I do
not believe that total healing and change is possible on this earth. However, I am always pointing
individuals and families to God with the clear expectation that He can do much more than any of
us can think or imagine.
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Chapter 2 Capturing a Family History with

Genograms
The first and most influential group for humans is the family. The experiences we have there
mark us for life. Our generational history, genetics and birth order impact us more powerfully
than any other human experience. For the rest of our lives we act and react in ways that were first
imprinted in our hearts and minds by the interactions we had as children. One way to figure out
the nature and impact of a familys history is by drawing a family map or a genogram. The
diagram below is an example. An explanation of the symbols will follow shortly.
This genogram shows a youngest daughter with two older siblings marries an only son. We can
see that the home environments the new husband and wife grew up in are radically different from
each other. From the time they were born they have lived in differing universes. She has always
had two older siblings to play with. She was forced to share space, time and parental attention.
Now she will share life with a man who has been the center of parental and family attention. A
single child has no experience of sibling competition. He has never had to share his life
emotionally or physically. The two partners radically differing life experiences do not make
marital harmony impossible, but it does mean that the new couple will have to work hard to
understand each other.
A genogram allows us to place important relational, physical, emotional, and spiritual life on
paper and compare them with others for mutual understanding. Family and medical researchers
have developed symbols to describe the kinds of relationships that exist between various
members of a family. These symbols and the types of relationships they represent help us
understand the factors that have influenced our lives. The illustration above is a snapshot of how
a family looks over time. Family maps use similar symbols but place them in different places to
show the quality of the relationships at any one point in time. This chapter explains how to
construct genograms and family maps.
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We are members of several different families at the same time. Some are biological, some are
spiritual, some are marital, and some are legal / adoptive. For purposes of this paper we will
begin with an explanation of ones biological/adoptive family and then apply our understandings
to the other types of families.
Historical family: Our heritage from grandparents to great-grandparents on.

Family of origin: Mother, father, and siblings.
Nuclear family: Husband, wife, and children.
Extended family: More than one generation or siblings interacting together.
Religious family: The family dynamics of a church or religious group to which one belongs
and in which one interacts.
Work family: The family dynamics of ones work group.
Family dynamics at work and church are not the same as they are in our biological family.
However, the ways we interacted as children certainly influences our behavior, perceptions, and
expectations in other settings.
Genogram Symbols
Male
Female
Marriage
Marriage 11/12/61
Remarried
Divorce
12/05/73
Fraternal twins
Identical twins
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Adoption out
Adoption into a family
Record each pregnancy Children are placed in the family genogram according to birth order.
The first-born is placed on the far left and each following pregnancy will be moved one place to
the right. Put the dates of birth and death next to each circle or square under the persons name.
Miscarriage
Abortion
Conditions, sicknesses and problems In fact, there is no limit to the information you can
choose to represent if you can find room on the paper. Feel free to create any symbols, which
assist you in your search for meanings. As we discover in Breaking Free, the patterns and sins
of our ancestors can definitely have an impact upon us. If one of your ancestors was involved in
occult or cult activities, note that on your family map/genogram so you can trace its impact and
pray to remove all its effects. The symbols below are examples.
Alcohol/drug abuse
Cancer
Christian
Emotional distress
C
Emotional enmeshment occurs when two persons are so emotionally interlocked that they dont
separate their thoughts and feelings from the other. They think and feel for each other. This is
somewhat normal when mother first has a child. However, when parents and children continue to
feel each others feelings deeply in childhood and adulthood, it causes conflict and confusion.
The child will not develop emotional maturity.

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Enmeshed or fused children do not leave mother and father.

The enmeshed parent will be unable to have a mature relationship with his/her mate
because the child takes too much emotional energy.
Parents cannot successfully launch the child into marriage because they are holding
onto him or her and jealous of the new mate. This is the usual cause of motherin-law
conflicts.
The parents will not speak directly with each other, choosing rather to speak either
through the child or about him. This is called a triangle.
In the diagram below the mother and son are enmeshed for their symbols overlap. Mom and dad
are distant, partially because of the fusion of mother/child. It also forms a triangle with mom and
son on the inside and dad on the outside. We indicate enmeshment either by overlapping symbols
or by three lines connecting them. Being very close, but not enmeshed is indicated by two lines.
Emotional distance The term distant describes a relationship that is emotionally disconnected.
In the above example mother and father are emotionally distant as the mother/child interaction is
so close. All of mother's time, energy and focus are placed in the child. That may be okay while
the child is young. However, if it continues, the husband/wife relationship will suffer. Distance
can also be indicated by a dotted line.
Conflicted relationships Conflict is normal for all families. Research shows that healthy
families have as much open conflict as unhealthy families. The difference lies in the fact that
healthy families deal with the conflict in positive ways. We show conflict between two persons
by a wavy line that resembles an electrocardiogram. The straight single line shows closeness.
Mother-Father conflict with Mother-Child enmeshed
Sometimes people develop relationships that are close and conflicted. The slightest variance in
thoughts and feelings in one person is immediately felt by the other so reaction is normal.
Enmeshed families not only feel close to each other they also have frequent conflicts. In some
families it is not acceptable to have open conflict so the two may engage in passive aggressive
behavior. They may forget something or have unavoidable problems that keep them apart.
Wives can have unbearable headaches that frustrate her husband's sexual advances. The man can
show his anger subtly by forgetting to do something that is important to his wife or kids.
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Drawing the relationships among all three of the family members shows the triangle. Father is
distant from mother and conflicted with son. Mother is distant from father and enmeshed with
son.
Mother-Father distance, Mother-Child enmeshed
Father-Child conflict
This view shows father-mother as distant and father-son as enmeshed but conflicted.
Enmeshed Father-Child with conflict

Boundary symbols Children sometimes parent their parents. This upsets Gods order and
boundary of authority and responsibility. Sex among family members also destroys family
boundaries.
Parent/child inversion
Fathers abuse of daughter
God has arranged each member of the family to have protection and appropriate boundaries.
Parents are to rear the children. Each person is to have the right of privacy and protection from
sexual, physical, emotional and spiritual abuse. The couple is to have a boundary around their
relationship that parents and children must not be allowed to violate. The nuclear family needs an
appropriate boundary to separate it from the extended family and society.
A Cut-off occurs when a person turns his/her back on a person or group. Cut-offs destroy
intimate communication through alienation.
Mother-Son enmeshed with Father-Son cut off.
Father-Mother distant
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Closed systems are one of the most disturbing family patterns develops when the boundaries
between people and groups are too rigid. Rigid family systems keep parts of the family totally
separated from others. We can close off from other members of the family or people outside the
family. Mafia families are extreme examples of rigid boundaries and closed-systems. Some
allow no information about the family to be shared with outsiders and others allow little if any
outside information into the family.
A system closed to those outside the nuclear family:
Each extended family, grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins and in-laws, can also be divided
into important sub-systems. A sub-system is any group that has a separate identity. The
mother/father coalition is a sub-system separate from the nuclear family system. Each child is a
separate subsystem with an identity separate from others in the family. The nuclear family is a
subsystem of the extended family. Closed systems have rigid boundaries that do not allow
healthy interactions between subsystems.
A pastor friend related that his parents reared him with very strict, rigid rules of conduct that
included spankings. Their rigidity included a strict prohibition against crying after a spanking.
Rigid families try to control the roles, feelings and the behavior of members. Mother is always a
mother; father is always a father; each child has to play a certain role; extended family members
are expected to stay the same with feelings and thinking set in stone.
Lack of boundaries Some families have the opposite problem to rigid roles. They do not
establish structure, order, appropriate distance and authority between and among the various
parts of the family. In some families, parents have a no closed-door policy. They do not expect to
have a private life separate from the children. Privacy and boundaries seem selfish and cold.
Some families have no privacy for the children. Parents regularly search their childrens rooms,
read their private mail and allow no sense of personal boundaries. Sexual abuse and emotional
enmeshment are extreme examples of open or boundary-less family systems.
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Intruding systems
Lack of personal and family boundaries
A completely open system has no adequate boundaries. It allows the world to invade its private
spaces, leaving its members with a lack of identity and security. Children gain personal security
with good boundaries at a very early age.
Identified Person/Patient The person that is the focus of our counsel is the Identified Person or
the Identified Patient. (IP for short)
The person who is troubled or sick.

The person who is the primary focus of the discussion.
A double-square or double-circle indicates the IP.
Allows us to diagnose the patterns of the IP.
Helps the IP shed guilt and shame.
Instructs the IP how to change his patterns of conduct.
Identified Patient
Alcohol
IP
IP
An over focus on the IP and an under focus on the rest of the family system is one of the
weaknesses of the Medical Model. This approach sometimes reduces treatment to the place that
the person is ignored and the disease becomes paramount.
First order changes are alterations in a family of behavior as individuals that do not alter the
overall patterns of the family system. The family may continue to rely on a hero or have a
scapegoat after a death or change in the former hero or scapegoat. Repeating triangles or a
chronic IP does not easily change. The IP may change with counseling, but the pattern of a
chronically ill member does not.
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Example: A move from Mother-Son enmeshment to Mother-Daughter enmeshment. The

individual changes do not alter the overall patterns of the family.
Change
Homeostasis or family balance Family systems develop a certain cycle of habit patterns that
endure over time. They developed homeostasis or balance. The term balance does not mean that
the family is well maintained or healthy. A relational system, like water, seeks its own level of
emotional functioning.
Every family has a comfort level of processes that develops over a period of one, two or several
generations. A family operates on certain unwritten rules about roles, traditions, food, parental
functions, parent-child relationships, male leadership and so forth. The unwritten rules of a
system are more difficult to change than written rules. Each system is anxious to communicate
its roles and rules. You can show these rules and roles by making special notes on your chart.
Multi-Generational patterns Both sinful and blessed patterns of family behavior are passed from
generation to generation. We can indicate that fact on a genogram in the following manner.
Father is distant from Mother and conflicted with Son. The pattern repeats for each generation.
Take immediate spiritual and behavioral steps to avoid its continuation.
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Spiritual blessings We prayerfully claim our spiritual heritage while cutting ourselves and
family members free from negative spiritual events.
Pastor
Prayer warrior
Alcoholic
Spiritual leader
Elder
Violent
Index Person
In this genogram we can see that the Lord has been active in the family for several generations.
Our prayers will be directed to claim the blessings of those past generations and cut off
everything of a negative nature. It would be helpful if the genogram also included other possible
items of spiritual religious nature.
Religious Rebellion The issue that can have a terrible impact on families for many generations
is involvement in behavior that rebels against God. This includes cultic and occultic behavior as
well as bitter reaction against God, the church and Gods people. The genogram of Marilyn
Monroe on page 305-6 of Monica McGoldricks book shows how Marilyn rejected the
Pentecostal faith of her foster parents. They raised her to fear movies as evil. Marilyn married a
Jewish man and converted to Judaism from which she never left.
Some children rebel against the faith of their parents and the parental history of spiritual
practices while others stay true to their genealogical traditions. In my own family I seemed to
follow my great grandfather Thomas Dempsey who left the Union Southern Baptist Church after
attending a Holiness Camp Meeting in 1893 where he and Belle were baptized with the Holy
Spirit for complete sanctification. They and twenty others left Union Baptist to found New Hope
Free Will Baptist Church down the road a few miles.
My wife and I left a Southern Baptist Church in 1969 in a manner very similar to that of my
great-grandparents. I was studying the power of small groups to promote healing and decided to
start small group meetings for the youth for Bible study, prayer, worship, and fellowship. The
pastor and deacons found those practices to be threatening because we focused on hearing God
along with reading scriptures. They asked us to stop our meetings and we left the church.
Hearing God may be the most threatening thing that can happen to a church leader group.
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I had an encounter with the Holy Spirit similar to that of Great Grandfather Dempsey several
years prior to this. Unknown to me, I was mimicking the experiences of my ancestors. The
traditional church frustrated me, like J.T. and Belle. So, like them, we left the Baptist church to
set up a house church near the University of Cincinnati. Interestingly, I had learned about nontraditional house church meetings from his daughter, my maternal grandmother. She took me as
a child to Cottage Prayer Meetings where they prayed, sang, and read the Bible spontaneously.
When I related my experiences to Grand Mom Taylor, she said, I have been trying to tell your
Mom, and Dad about the Holy Spirit for years. She noted that I was Just like her Daddy. You
look like him, talk like him and pray like him. I refused to follow the Baptist traditions of my
parents. Was it rebelling against authority or following Gods authority over the traditions of
humans?
Polygamy and multiple marriages are complex relationships to study
Polygamy and Multiple Marriages
m-75
b-77
m-78
b-80
b- 80
m-81
b-81
adopted in-85
Second order changes are significant pattern changes which alter the way the family system
functions. The pattern of relationships of the system is different after a second order change.
Removing oneself from a triangle or changing ones habitual pattern of relating to a sibling are
usual examples.
Significant or nodal events in family history are events in a family, which impact its emotional
life in significant ways because they rearrange its balance. Family theorists call these nodal
events. The birth of a baby and the death of a family member are examples. But there are other
events, which can have a real impact on the emotional functioning of the family system. The last
child to leave home and the retirement of a parent can make the dynamics and patterns operate in
new ways. Many of the symbols above have been devised to indicate just such family events.
The genogram places several years of family history on paper. In a family map, we show the
changes associated with a specific family system at any time in its life cycle. Every major change
impacts all of the members of the family. This will become more apparent as you construct your
family map.
Traumatic losses or shaming events are powerful in a familys life cycle. These include
deaths, loss of a job, crimes, adultery, etc. Anger, roots of bitterness, lack of honoring parents,
etc. can have a long-term negative impact on generations of families. Healing the family tree
almost always involves confession, repentance, forgiveness, reconciliation, etc.
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Differentiation or maturing means that we are developing different patterns from the rest of the
family. Emotional dependency and following traditions is normal for children, but adults need to
find their own ways of acting, thinking and feeling. We are supposed to gradually mature from
childhood to adulthood to the place that we can rationally respond to the family without reacting
with emotional intensity instinctively.
The goal of Christian care, counsel, and ministry is to help people

develop peace within themselves and in relationship with others. The
various roles one plays are not as important as the peace they bring to
that role. Peaceful people rarely divorce.
Differentiated persons have an appropriate sense of the boundaries. They interact with peace and
calmness to adverse events. Undifferentiated persons react instinctively and anxiously to
emotional cues. Differentiated persons are able to respond to emotional situations without great
anxiety. Differentiation implies that we interact with our family without being re-active. We can
be peacefully present with other family members.
There are four ways to respond/react to life.
Dependence: Anxiously doing whatever another person wants

Counter-dependence: Reactively doing the opposite of what the authority wants.
Independence: Doing whatever I want despite other persons wishes.
Inter-dependence: An attitude of peaceful cooperation with a desire to serve the greater
good of the family. It is also called differentiation.
Why did this occur at this time? It is very helpful to look at the timing of events and ask some
simple questions. If, for example, a person begins to act out by doing poorly at school, we could
ask: Why now and not at another time? Did something happen in the family the year prior to the
acting out? Did the family system go through a nodal change?
Birth order and birth spacing: The order in which we came into this world will impact us
forever. Look at your birth order and note if you are first born, second born, or an only child. My
family shows how complicated this question can be. My first-born sibling died soon after birth.
The second born was reared as an eldest but in the family story was always a second. I was born
third but reared as the younger brother to an older brother. The fourth born was reared as an only
child because he was seven years younger than me and ten years younger than the eldest
surviving child. If a child is separated by at least five years from the other siblings, he/she is an
only child. We also ask, Why a birth at this time? to see if there is a precipitating event in the
family history.
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Extended family involvement: In some families, the grandparents or the extended family
members are vitally involved in the life of children or a certain child. This can be noted on the
genogram and family map. Draw a circle around the extended family to show who was living
together or emotionally close. For example, my maternal grandparents lived next door to us and
were very close emotionally.
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Chapter 3 Human Growth and Maturity

Note for the Global Awakening Classes: Some of the principles found here will be familiar to
you if you have already been through the Breaking Free Course.
Eph. 4:14 so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro with every wind of doctrine, by
the cunning of others who are crafty in their use of deceit.
The Church of God is often referred to as a family. In fact, Israel's offspring became the 12 tribes
of Israel, the Hebrew children and the foundation of the Judeo-Christian tradition. Like all
families, God's family is concerned about the reproduction and growth into maturity of its
children. It is normal for families to reproduce and abnormal when they do not. It is normal for
families to plan for the growth, development and maturity of their offspring. This will allow
them to stand alone and not be tossed about by the opinions, beliefs, doctrines and values of
others.
It is abnormal and unbiblical when families do not assist children to grow away from dependence
upon the parents toward self-responsibility and interdependence with family, community, and
church. On the following pages I have attempted to offer some guidelines for assessing the level
of maturity that one has achieved in life, as well as to suggest some ways for families to
encourage growth into maturity.
The Greek term for maturity is teleios and is often called perfect in the King James Bible.
However, committed Christians can easily misinterpret this to mean without imperfection. This
has led millions of sincere believers to try to live above sin. Even St. Paul, one of the most
powerful Christians in history, admits he had not attained perfection in Philippians 3:
8
I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my
Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9and
be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is
through faith in Christthe righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. 10I want to know
Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings,
becoming like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
Pressing on Toward the Goal
12
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to
take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet
to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what
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is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward
in Christ Jesus.
15
All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think
differently, that too God will make clear to you. 16Only let us live up to what we have already
attained.
This passage may be the best way to understand the biblical approach to healing, growth, and
maturity. We begin our journey at the lowest level of maturity. At conception through birth, all
of us are totally dependent upon our mothers. The infant in uterus feels mother's feelings and
experiences his or her self as a unity with mother. A baby does not know a sense of self separate
from his/her mother. We are completely undifferentiated from our mother, and dependent upon
her for physical, mental, and emotional life.
Within the womb, the state of undifferentiated dependence is natural, normal and to be desired.
However, that is not true for a baby, toddler, adolescent, or adult. A prime goal of parenting is to
encourage the newly formed fetus to begin developing a self separated from its mother, a self
that is connected to mother and father, but separate.
Psalm139 reminds us that every conception re-enacts the first creation in the garden. The
Psalmist says in his powerful hymn of praise that "God knits us together in our mother's womb."
Even in conception God gave us a unique personhood that reflects His image. Each person
reflects God and belongs to Him as well as to the biological parents. Each new conception reenacts the first creation of Adam and Eve and celebrates the fact that every human being is
created in the image of God.
Psalm 139 makes it clear that each fetus is a "Self" with unique boundaries meant to protect him
from abuse or rejection. Thus, God sees us as unique in the universe and has a plan for us
wherein all of our days are pre-recorded in the book of life. (Psalm 139:16)
Differentiation, Leaving Home, and Intimacy for the Married

This unique status requires that children leave home and differentiate from their parents,
reaffirming again the most common statement made in Scripture about family: For this cause
shall a man leave mother and father, cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. This
is the desire of God prior to the fall. It is not the result of Sin. Let us examine how this biblical
sequence fits with differentiation as it applies to marriage.
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I offer this definition of a Christian marriage: A lifelong commitment

of a man and woman to each other to work out together all of the
problems and difficulties they failed to work out with their family of
origin.
Leave: This means that we must emancipate ourselves from our parents. We emancipate
ourselves from mother and father by developing separate, mature values, thoughts,
commitments, and relationships. God has no grandchildren--only children. Although parents
might want to guarantee the salvation of our children, it cannot be done. Parents do, of course,
have responsibility to train up a child in the way he should go... but in the final analysis, until the
child personally adopts those values, she has not left home emotionally and spiritually even
though her residence is 1000 miles away.
However, the purpose of God to get children to leave home is often thwarted because of sin. For
example, some people go to old age without developing their own values and commitments.
Instead, they live with a positive or negative reaction to their parents' teachings. When this is the
case, the next stage of development, cleaving, is deeply impaired. Any person that clings
reactively to his parents values without a personal commitment to his/her own values is
immature. My ability to act maturely in marriage is based on how much I have developed
differently from my parents. I cannot act maturely if my emotional state is not mine but
borrowed from my parents, grandparents, and siblings. Unthinking allegiance to the past is a sure
predictor of pain in future relationships.
Cleave: This is best translated as commitment or loyalty. The Old English phrase used in most
marriage ceremonies is I pledge thee my troth. Troth is similar to the term hesed or covenant
love found so often in the Old Testament. When one has difficulty in making a whole hearted,
unreserved commitment to another person, it is usually because he has not left home completely.
He is not his own person, so he has no person to offer and give another person.
For example, couples often come for marriage and family counseling and point out the sins,
errors, and defects of their partner. This list is often followed by the verbal or non-verbal
assertion that should the mate simply change those defects, the marriage would be a perfect
match. In other words, the fault lies only in my partner, and there is no need for me to change to
make my marriage better. That was certainly my attitude when we married, but not now.
Each and every marital partner enters the marriage covenant with defects of character, behavior,
attitude and ideas that must be left behind if the two are to become one flesh. The cleave part of
the command is a necessity if the two are going to be able to stick together long enough to in
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actuality leave home. Anything short of a lifelong commitment is too short a time for each
person to leave behind the family values they brought into the marriage.
After the Fall, a life-long commitment of cleaving together became essential to the leaving
process. In Greek, the word for cleave is koalla and means to glue together. Every couple since
Adam and Eve has had to work at the process of leaving home. Being glued together by a lifelong covenant under God's authority can help a couple accomplish that goal. No one fully leaves
home prior to marriage so the cleave/covenant is essential. It can give us the security we need to
work out the problems we brought into the marriage.
It is best if the partners have achieved a high level of maturity prior to marriage. It is the purpose
of a Christian family to move its children toward maturity/adulthood prior to marriage. Wise
Christian parents will help their children grow up in major ways well before they reach the age
of consent. Parents can release their children from their family values, customs and beliefs. This
will allow God to more fully mold children in His ways so they can develop their own unique
roles and rules as a family.
Rearing children is like running a relay race. Each participant must pass the baton to the next
runner. If one person refuses to turn the baton loose, the
next will not only get off to a slow start, he will be
encumbered and loaded down by having to carry the first
person around the track. A family which fails to adequately
release a child emotionally is like a runner refusing to
release the baton. Some children enter the world of work
and family carrying the emotional baggage from previous
generations. Rather than being emotionally separate
(differentiated) from the family past, they are stuck in the
past to the point that it stifles their future.
Undifferentiated people are emotionally stuck to their families in such a way that they have a
difficult time making mature, adult decisions. When people are stuck to the past they also get
emotionally stuck in the present. Parents give their children a lasting legacy when they cut the
apron strings and launch them to independence.
Even though God created each of us in His image as a unique self, we can get stuck in the
emotional system of our family and fail to fully develop that self. Leaving home means being
mature enough to stand on my own self-chosen thoughts, values, and convictions. Without this
kind of self-development, one is always in danger of being blown about by every wind of
doctrine.
Weave: We have briefly established the notion that God wants His people to leave home and
cleave together in a life-long commitment of fidelity and love. Now we come to the issue of
intimacy, or to become one flesh. I call this phase to weave together (thereby leave, cleave,
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and weave). This challenge must be understood within the context of the other two factors. When
one fails to adequately leave home then cleaving in a lifelong covenant of loyalty, weaving
(intimacy) becomes difficult. When cleaving is left out, weaving is almost impossible. Each
depends on the former.
First, to weave together does not mean that we are called to lose our personal identity in
marriage. To lose our personhood in a mate is to deny the image of God in us. Those who want
to merge into another person emotionally have never differentiated from their family of origin.
They are looking for an emotional black hole with whom to replace their family of origin. They
have not developed a solid self with mature thoughts and emotions and lust for a member of the
opposite sex to make them whole.
Intimacy in the biblical sense means openness to a mate, while maintaining personal autonomy
from the mate. However, some people wish to get lost in or fused with a mate. Although it is
understandable during sex, at no other time would the fusion of two separate persons be
desirable.
Fusion or enmeshment of two people confuses the proper boundaries of each other. God created
us as individuals to have a personal space. This is one reason that fornication and adultery are so
devastating. Each human has been created in the image of God as a separate self. Sex outside of
marriage promotes emotional fusion and confusion without the permanency of marriage. Perhaps
this is the deeper meaning of Jesus' startling statement that lust is adultery. It violates the
emotional boundary of a person.
Unfortunately, many people think fusion or enmeshment is normative. It is actually undesirable.
Some people develop feelings of guilt and shame because they are not enmeshed. They have
different thoughts and feelings from their spouses and wonder if they are really in love. It is
healthy for a couple to maintain separate, distinct, and independent beliefs from each other.
Differences are very much to be desired and lead to increased intimacy through dialogue and
interaction. Such intimacy is a challenge to achieve but is the goal of a Christian marriage. Even
describing it is difficult. The Apostle Paul said in Ephesians 5:32 that marriage is a great
mystery but it is comparable to Jesus and the church.
Spouse marital relationship is like Jesus and the church. Jesus and the church are not the same
(They are not fused.). Members of a church have "Jesus in their hearts" but they are obviously
separate from Jesus as human beings. We have our own minds, wills, and emotions. To think
otherwise is to encourage Hinduism (or the New Age), which teaches that "we are God" and that
the goal of life is to merge into a fused state with God.
Our goal is to relate to God without continually getting lost in God or thinking we are God. We
need to develop an intimate relationship to a spouse but maintain our individual humanity. One
of the key facets of Judeo-Christian thought is found here. Although we reflect God's image, we
are not God or gods. We are different from God. We have unique boundaries from God and He
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has unique boundaries from us. During worship or prayer, we may momentarily lose ourselves in
God in what is called a Unitive Spiritual State. However, a Unitive State of Spiritual Experience
is brief, and we must regain our own sense of selfhood or die.
The ability to develop an intimate relationship with others without getting lost in them requires
us to successfully leave mother and father. When that developmental process is distorted, then
intimacy will also be confused. In the family of origin we can see the continual re-enactment of
creation, growth, leaving home, committing ourselves to another person, finding intimacy, and
re-doing the cycle in reproduction. Every family is designed to model Jesus' relationship to the
church.
1. Children are to reflect the image of their parents and Gods image.
2. Children have their own unique personal selves, even from the first moment of creation.
3. The Fall retards our growth and development. However, parents can prepare children to
leave home by encouraging their children to choose their own values, goals, plans, hopes,
and dreams.
Differentiation, Leaving Home, and Intimacy for the Unmarried

For Christians, relationships of intimacy among singles do not include sex. However, it is
desirable to consider what it means to leave mother and father for unmarried persons. In some
ways, the process is similar to that outlined above for marriage. The reason that many are not
successful in cleaving in marriage is because they have not successfully left home. However,
singles need to also develop successful, ongoing, covenantal relationships based on Christian
love, loyalty, and eternal commitment; differentiation is crucial.
The issue of intimacy without sex is one that causes confusion to believers and non-believers
alike. For me, intimacy is sharing one's deep heart with another person. If that is to happen, we
must first develop a sense of trust and safety with the listeners. Opening up intimate and scary
feelings and thoughts of life is not very likely to happen without "cleaving" (covenanting)
together first.
I learned about the importance of the covenanting (cleaving) process in developing intimate nonsexual relationships. Covenanting is also very helpful in the process of therapy with individuals,
groups, and families. It is a part of God's order to set up boundaries, expectations, and
accountability in families and in other deep, intimate relationships such as therapy.
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A Scale of Differentiation or Leaving Home

The Maturity Scale runs from 0 to 100. The highest is100 and indicates an undifferentiated and
dependent/reactive person. Zero indicates perfect peace that allows us to take appropriate stands
on issues whether others agree or not. Infants in the womb might be said to be at 100 on the scale
since they are dependent in every way on mother. When she feels, the infant feels. When mother
is physically ill, the infant is directly affected in some way.
A fetus is appropriately close to being a 100 on the differentiation scale because she reacts to the
mothers moods completely. At birth and cutting the umbilical cord, the process of
differentiation begins in earnest. Although thoroughly dependent and emotionally reactive to
family, the infant is supposed to develop along the scale of differentiation toward zero. Because
of Sin, this is an imperfect and bumpy ride. No human being other than Jesus gets a Zero for
perfect peace. Notice that the two main issues are dependence and reactivity versus freedom and
peace.
The infant can change little of its environment and must take whatever it gets. She tends to react
to outside stimuli rather than dealing pro-actively with the environment. However, as any parent
knows, even the tiniest baby also does things to stimulate the family to act in certain ways. This
is part of the differentiation process. When a baby cries for no apparent reason, it is taking a
stand for itself without an outside stimulus. If she is always successful at influencing others,
however, she will not learn to be independent in thought, feeling, and deed. Instead, she becomes
dependent upon having all her desires met by others and attempts to get other people to meet her
needs. We call this automatic reactivity enmeshed or fused emotionally with the family system.
The opposite of enmeshed emotional reactivity would be emotionally cut off. This occurs when
she is overwhelmed by emotions and shuts down her connections to family. She withdraws from
emotional contact. It appears, for example, that some people have difficulty in integrating the
inputs from their senses and cut themselves off from the world.
This is also a form of not "leaving home" because she never learns how to live independent of
parents yet emotionally connected and respectful of them. Differentiation depends upon her
learning to act independently as a person while staying emotionally connected to others. If she
does not learn to take independent stands, or conversely does not learn to stay connected to
people, he gets stuck at an early emotional stage. For example, children normally go through a
time of saying no to almost everything. This is taking a stand. This stage as normal and natural
the child needs to stay connected by learning obedience while also learning to be independent.
The boundaries must be established so she also learns to accept her personhood created in God's
image (independence).
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It is important to stay in relationship with family members who also have certain personhood
requirements (connectedness). Leaving home is the ability to make independent decisions about
life while being concerned about other humans, especially family. Accomplishing this dual task
as parents is easy! (If you also find it easy to stand on your head and stack BBs in a hurricane.)
However, even if you were a perfect parent, your kids would not be perfect. Adam and Eve both
had a perfect father yet, they chose to rebel.
Differentiation and Co-dependency

One of the most popular terms in the church today is co-dependency. It usually means that a
person is over-functioning in a relationship or a persons thoughts or feelings come from other
persons. The common joke is that a person says to his spouse, Good morning, dear. How do I
feel today? The term was originally coined to describe a person who unwittingly enables a
loved one to be dependent on alcohol. In our context it describes an undifferentiated member of
the family. We prefer lack of differentiation to co-dependency because:
1. It speaks to all people and relationships, not just in addiction.
2. It speaks to both dependency and to over-functioning, whereas "co-dependency" as it is
currently being used focuses on the over-functioning end of the scale.
3. It speaks of a current pattern but has hope of movement toward maturity where being codependent is a diagnosis that can leave one feeling helpless and hopeless to change.
4. It speaks to the process of growth that every person needs to follow, whereas the term codependent seems to imply that one has become a victim of a disease.
5. It speaks of a growth process that is consistent with scripture.
Assessing levels of differentiation

1. Family of origin
How objective can you be in describing your parents and siblings? Are you calm or
reactive? Do you have resentments, hurts or pain when you think of them?
Can you see them in context of their own life histories, or only in terms of how they
relate to you?
Can you see them as humans with strengths and limitations rather than either
glorifying or condemning them? Are they superhuman or super bad?
Can you appreciate what each family member has had to deal with? Do you understand
their challenges in life?
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Do you see yourself or your family as being primarily responsible for the way your life
has gone?
2. Marriage
How does husband deal with wife's anxiety? Can he remain calm when she is upset?
Can he hear a problem from wife without distancing (it's her problem), blaming
(she's the problem), or over-involvement (how will I solve this problem)?
Does he try to take over her duties--or expect her to take over his?
Use the same questions for wife
3. Parent/Child Relationships
How does a child make his needs known to parents? With open and direct requests or by
acting helpless or by acting out?
How do the parents respond to a child's needs? Are they appropriate to the childs age
and circumstance? Are they unresponsive, resentful or impatient of demands? Are they
overprotective, rescuing, and sympathetic? Are both parents similar in response?
Does one parent promote closeness or stand in the way of closeness between a child and
the other parent? Does the parent feel shame when the child does not perform well?
Identifying Reactivity In Yourself And Others

Level 100-75
People who are in this higher quadrant live in a totally feeling world. They are dependent upon
others for defining who they are and are thereby very reactive to what others say and do (or what
I think they are thinking about me.) Therefore, feelings control thoughts and behavior rather than
vice versa. All energy goes into "loving" and "being loved" which means I must be affirmed and
accepted by all significant others all of the time. Any perception, imagined or real, of rejection,
insensitivity, or lack of caring is devastating to them. Such persons focus on the fact that others
(parents, spouse, counselor, pastor, etc.) should somehow meet their emotional needs.
Thoughts of failure (guilt) and self-condemnation (shame) dominate waking hours and the
person therefore lives in chronic anxiety and fear. Persons at this level of leaving home are often
morbidly afraid of God who they see as a punisher. Thoughts of hell, condemnation, and losing
their salvation may dominate.
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People here are unable to develop goals, a vision of life, hear the call of God or see their gifts.
They are dependent upon someone else such as a parent, spouse, pastor, counselor, etc. to tell
them who they are. As a result, they may be easily manipulated. Stuck persons are at risk for
chemical dependency or chronic illness.
Level 75-50
People in this quadrant have a very poor sense of self-hood and self-respect, but a much greater
potential for growth than those above. These folks have developed few firmly held beliefs and
values and instead "borrow" ideas from others. They often look to books, tapes, leaders, pastors,
fads, movies, etc. for what is truth and what to value. If parents, they will likely follow some
teacher/author/personality and attempt to do exactly what he says to do because they have no
sense of self.
Sometimes they develop a self on the values of others. This is called a pseudo self because others
may see these values and opinions and thoughts as being genuine. Upon closer examination it
becomes clear that they are borrowed. Usually a pseudo self seems very strong, rigid, or
absolutist. They may become expert at reading others nonverbals and do almost anything to
please certain people from whom they want to borrow an identity. They adopt the fads in clothes,
looks, and styles and spend great energy attempting to fit in the chosen group. They are very
sensitive to criticism, rejection, and disapproval implied or direct and are susceptible to group
thinking or idol making. Think of teenage girls swooning over Justin Bieber.
In relationships they look for the perfect match, the one person in my life who will make me
eternally happy and who will meet all of my needs. They want a soul mate.
It is quite normal for adolescents to evidence these characteristics but adults must move beyond
fads and people pleasing behavior to a sense of solid personhood. This is why it is so important
for teens to deal with issues of independency and personal value development and so crucial for
families to encourage personal value formation in children. We who skip this development as
teens will repeat it in midlife.
When teens perceive that they cannot develop values, goals, and standards of their own without
great resistance from family, they will rebel or passively accept the rules of others. When a
family provides no values or boundaries, the child likewise fails to mature. In other words,
families need appropriate rules and boundaries with encouragement for the children to develop
self-chosen values. Either total dependency in passive obedience or open rebellion can indicate a
lack of appropriate differentiation. The teen who passively obeys has no solid sense of self-hood
and looks to others to be defined. The rebel also has no sense of personhood so fights against all
authority in order to be defined as opposed to the rules of family. In either case, he is highly
reactive to others not acting for self.
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Level 50-25:
At the higher (40-50) end of this quadrant we find those who are developing the ability to take
stands based on their own considered, thought-out values, but who continue to be very sensitive
to saying and doing the "right thing". Thus, they have occasional anxiety in relationships. A little
lower on the scale (40-30) we find people who are less anxious (less reactive) when confronted
with value choices and can be flexible in the midst of differences. When with a group who are
disagreeing about an issue, such people would have a good bit of discomfort while allowing the
conversation to proceed.
At the very low end of this quadrant (30-25) are the persons who are rarely reactive so they can
remain open to people of all sorts while maintaining solid values and beliefs. Their values and
commitments are held non-anxiously while staying connected. They are solidly convinced of
their beliefs, values, and loyalties but are not worried when others do not agree.
At this level the mind controls emotions and behavior rather than vice versa. Thoughts, beliefs,
and attitudes about God, self and others as well as a vision for the future directs the person's
feelings and actions rather than allowing anxieties, fears, or irrational happiness to control their
lives. They can be concerned but not worried, interested but not anxious.
Level 25-10
Very few persons are at this point of maturity. Those who are can be a peaceful presence in the
midst of change or conflict. They can speak the truth in love and choose to appropriately lay
down their own lives in sacrifice for others, but are not irrationally pulled into chronically
receiving family, friends or clients in a way which encourages dependency. They are inner
motivated with solid, clear, sure values and beliefs regardless of societal support or group
pressure.They:
1. Are not easily swayed by criticism, praise, or rewards and stand up for self regardless of
the risks.
2. Can listen to another's pain and not be reactive while responding with appropriate care.
3. Can be confrontational and warm, tough and tender, and forgiving, combining law and
grace.
4. Take personal responsibility rather than blame others.
5. Confident in call of God, personal gifts and abilities and yet humble in one's humanity.
6. Have a sense of humor and can laugh at one's own idiosyncrasies.
Level 10-0
Jesus - Fully human, fully God - fully at peace.
People more reactive on the scale resist change and move quickly to keep homeostasis if it is
disturbed. This is especially true if a member of the family is moving toward maturity
(differentiation). So, if you are moving away from anxiety and reactivity toward the peace of
God, not everyone is going to be happy. The most anxious people will get more anxious and
unconsciously act to make us get anxious.
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Chapter 4 Triangles in Family Life

An emotional triangle is a key way families and thereby all groups organize their interactions.
Both the Bible and good fiction have many stories about triangles because they are universal in
life. Now that I understand how they operate, I see them in every TV show and movie and cannot
help but think about them when I listen to people discuss holiday conflicts, marital stresses, and
troubles at work.
A triangle is a repetitive emotional pattern among three people or two people and a symptom. An
ongoing triangle is unconsciously designed by all humans to dissipate the anxious energy that
develops between two persons or an individual and a life pattern or symptom. Two persons are
on the inside of the relationship because they feel emotionally closer to each other. The third
person is on the outside, feeling either rejected or left out.
Examples of Triangles
Genesis 3 and 4 show us how symptoms can be the third leg of the triangle stool. The stories are
full of triangles where two persons are on the inside coalition and a third is on the outside. Adam
tries to draw God close to him by withdrawing from Eve. When God asks Adam who told him he
was naked, he responds by pointing to his wife, pushing her emotionally away from him and
attempting to pull God on his side. Adam says, That woman you gave me did it. Triangles
usually have three roles: victim, persecutor and rescuer. The devil made me do it. This may be
the oldest and most often used excuse in history.
God approaches Eve to talk face to face. However, Eve knows she is guilty because she has
disobeyed God. This makes her fearful to face God, so she tries to sneak in closer to God by
blaming the devil, putting him away from her emotionally and spiritually. This is a very common
thing to do in relationships with God and others.
It happens daily in families as well. Dad and Mom are in conflict and draw a child into the
discussion to keep from facing the real issues. The child can be emotionally close, on the inside
with Mom, so Dad is on the outside, feeling abandoned. When parents are in conflict, a child is
a useful way to block open communication. This is a way to hide behind emotional fig leaves.
When Mom and Dad come together to discipline the child they usually join together emotionally.
They are on the inside and the child is on the outside. So, emotional feelings and triangles shift
and move around easily. In the diagram below we can see Mom and Dad are emotionally close
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in order to take a stand with their child. The child is considered to be on the outside emotionally.
Being inside means that two people are emotionally closer to each other by pushing the other
away to the outside.
Here is an example. Nick and Jessica become anxious about their marriage. It has not been as
intimate or happy as it was since baby Apple was born. This is an unexpected development and
they do not know what to do. The young couple has not been trained in the art of conversation,
especially when there are difficult emotional issues to discuss. Before marriage their hormones
kept them close. After their sex drive was satiated, good skills in communication, problem
solving, and conflict management are extremely important. However, few couples learn those
skills before marriage. All they knew as singles was how to be cool and attractive.
Jessica was the first-born of three with two younger brothers. Dad was a blue-collar worker with
a 7:00 A. M. to 3:00 P.M. job. He left early for work and came home to a wife who did not work
outside the home. Dad and Mom fixed dinner together and served the family at a regular time
each day. If there were conflicts between them, they were resolved behind closed doors and the
children never saw it. Mom and Dad believed families were to be calm and hide any conflicts so
the children never learned how to argue well or fight fair.
Nick was second of four kids. His elder brother was a star football player, and their parents both
had jobs in sales. They were extraverted and verbally excited and fought openly and often. Dad
traveled three days each week and Mom was home each evening after a hard day at the local
travel agency. Meals were taken alone. Whenever someone was ready to eat, they grazed out of
the refrigerator and kitchen cabinet. Sports dominated the conversations, and soccer practices
were more important than family times.
Jessica and Nick were from two different universes and never expected them to collide after
marriage. When Apple came into the family, Nick was worried about finances and worked
harder at his coaching position to earn extra money. He agreed to coach the track team as well as
the junior varsity football team and was rarely home to assist Jessica with Apple.
Jessica was very close to her mother and began to spend a lot of time back home. As Nick
became more involved in competitive sports, Jessica complained that he was away too much and
was never available to be with her. Nick became frustrated and hurt that Jessica did not
understand his dilemma. He was working hard to provide for his family. It is in these kinds of
difficult situations that triangles thrive.
When two people experience anxiety (hurt, anger, fear, distance, rejection, etc.) in their
relationship, the most natural thing is to complain to a third person. The one who complains and
the listener are on the inside, and the third is emotionally distant.
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A triangle can begin over a negative issue such as we do not spend enough time together or a
positive emotion like I love my wife so much that I am embarrassed. When anxiety blocks
open, honest, direct, truth in-love communication the couple will draw a third person into the
discussion, making it a triangle.
Jessica is dissatisfied with her relationship with Nick. As a result, she talks openly and often
about her frustration to her mother. A complaint can be a healthy interaction if it is handled
properly. However, when it is wrongly directed and wrongly received, it keeps the couple from
resolving their own issues directly.
In this scenario, Jessica and Nick wont properly handle their marital tension unless Mother
knows how to help her daughter deal directly with Nick and not get in the middle of the conflict.
Work
Dad
Mother Grandma
Apple
Jessica is close to Apple and Mom, but there is emotional distance between her and Nick. She is
hurt that Nick works so much. She is angry and jealous of Nicks work, punishes him for
abandoning her, and moves emotionally closer to Apple and Mother, keeping Nick even more
emotionally distant.
The energy and interests of Jessica are diverted from Nick to Apple and then her mother. If the
pattern continues, the relationship will get stuck in an unhealthy habit pattern. She talks openly
with her mother but not with her husband. When she does share with Nick, it is full of
frustration and blame rather than understanding and compassion. Nick is already upset with
Jessica, so he blames her for the problem. This leads to even more hours away from home as the
cycle of frustration, blame and anger escalate and they move farther apart from each other.
He and Jon, another coach, go out for pizza after practice. During the conversation, Nick
complains that Jessica is nagging him and on his case all the time. Unfortunately, his friend has
the same problem at home and gives Nick advice that is not helpful. In fact, it aggravates the
situation and adds additional feelings of hopelessness and frustration to Nick. However, Nick
and his buddy feel emotionally close, so they are on the inside of the triangle with Jessica on the
outside.
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Nick has triangled with Jon. Jessica has triangled with her mom. Nobody has intentionally
attempted to hurt the couples marital relationship, but it is in danger of a collapse. If they cannot
resolve the tension there will be additional conflicts and additional triangles. Who would you
blame?
Blame vs. Responsibility

In my view, neither is to blame, but both are responsible for the situation. Many books and
sermons will blame Nick for working too hard. He should, they say, love her and stay home with
her. Others preach that Jessica needs to submit to Nick and make everything right between them.
Neither actions will solve the dilemma. In fact, both of those interventions will make things
worse.
In a family system all parts are involved in making the patterns function the way they do. No one
person is in charge of the problem, nor is one person able to completely change the pattern. One
person can change his/her pattern and force the other person to alter their behavior a little bit. In
this case, Mother could change by insisting that Jessica not spend so much time with her. Jon
could positively influence the couple by telling Nick to go home early from practice. Or, Jessica
could stop nagging and thank Nick for spending so much time at work providing for her and
Apple. All of these would alter the interaction patterns and might lower the frustration level.
In some instances, the third part of the triangle is a child. The child might learn to take on the
pain and fears of both the parents. However, despite trying hard, he discovers it is impossible to
please them or stop the conflict. Mom might depend on her childs love and caring to make up
for Dads distance. Moms motivation is pure, but it will not work. She wants to heal the
unsatisfactory relationship with Dad, but it will fail. The triangle between Mom and the child
actually promotes more distance between Dad and Mom.
Father
Mother
Child
A triangle stabilizes the emotional patterns and connections. However, it is not a good kind of
stability. Nick and Jessica need to speak directly with each other about their relationship and stop
bringing others into the fray. Triangles send mixed messages and fail to deal directly with
feelings. Unfortunately, the relationship suffers even more as a result.
Triangles tend to become repetitive. Couples and families develop consistent patterns over
stressful issues. Thus, third parties find themselves volunteering over and over to be in the
middle of two conflicted people. In cultures where male/female roles are tightly prescribed, a
wife may find it impossible to speak honestly with her husband about her needs. The overt
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cultural power held by the man stifles open, intimate relationships. However, a clever wife
knows how to influence him with her superior ability to form emotional bonds. She can make up
for a lack of physical or legal power with feminine wiles. She will usually control the emotional
processes in the family even if the male is the official head.
Father
Mother
Work
Children
To outsiders it may appear that males hold all the power. Careful observation reveals that the
female is often firmly in control of the emotional map. Each child will be in an emotional
triangle with the parents and siblings. Mother normally controls the triangles. One child may
play a prominent role by regulating the emotional map between mother and Father. These little
professors seem to intuitively understand triangles and how to push our buttons.
In some Asian families, the elder son is essentially the emotional mate for Mother. Father is
often physically absent and emotionally distant. He may rule the roost financially and legally, but
she rules the roost at home. This pattern is of long standing and often causes great pain in the
family. While teaching in Taiwan, I saw this repeating pattern at home and in the churches. My
interpreter told me about the following Chinese proverbs.
Father rules the outside world and Mother rules the inside.
Big Brother replaces Father with Mother.
The social and financial restrictions of some cultures make it difficult for Fathers to be
emotionally close with his wife and children. So, Mother and the eldest son are enmeshed. The
eldest son has many religious and social expectations placed upon him. The roles and
expectations are rigidly enforced. Anyone who attempts to change these roles will be punished.
In many Asian homes, however, Mother will not have a direct relationship with her children. If
Mother hears that one of the children has a problem with money, she will tell the elder brother,
who is expected to solve the problem. The sibling will not go directly to the elder brother for
help but will ask Mother for assistance, and Mother will tell elder brother what to do. In these
cultures, neither Mother nor Father takes care of the problem directly. In fact, Mother will not
usually be able to solve it. Requests for assistance are normally solved indirectly through a
triangle. It is rare for anyone to speak directly to Father or ask him for assistance.
In some cultures spouses rarely speak directly to one another about their emotional wants or
needs. While I was counseling with a separated couple, the wife was upset because of the
husbands affairs for the past 25 years. He replied, I never knew you cared about those flings
because you and the children did not say anything about them to me.
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She wept and said, I was a good Chinese wife who told my kids that it was our job to give you
face, so we never brought it up. We assumed you knew how we felt. He was shocked and
replied, I did not know how you felt. I was hurt that you didnt care enough about me to
complain about it. I kept having affairs to see if you would show me enough love to complain.
In this instance, the man triangled other lovers into his marriage, but he never spoke to his family
directly about his emotional or relational desires. Nor did he speak openly about his love and
concern for his family. Mother triangled the two kids in between her relationship with Father and
colluded with them to keep it a secret.
They then kept their intentions secret from even him so he would save face. Triangles are
designed to lower the anxiety in a relationship. However, they actually keep the anxiety alive and
chronically spread throughout the whole family system. Secrets grow and the truth is rarely
spoken because of its potency to hurt. We tend to think that triangles and secrets will reduce
pain, but they increase it dramatically.
In this situation, Mom was in an inside emotional coalition with the kids, and they agreed to keep
the secret to save Dads face. Father was on the outside of that coalition. She was strong and
powerful in the coalition with children while he was weak and ineffective. She was in control
inside the family map. He was a very rich man who ruled the outside activities by building a
mansion overseas and developing inside coalitions with lovers where he felt emotionally
accepted and powerful. Because neither spoke directly about their needs, the vicious cycle
persisted for years even though neither was happy about it.
They wanted to change but did not know how. In desperation a Pastor friend asked me to meet
with them. He had met often with the man and wife separately, but had not been able to heal
what he thought was the mans sex addiction. I set a boundary of a two-hour meeting so they
were willing to open the communication lines with me immediately. After seeing the triangles,
they decided to speak directly and frankly about their needs. In two hours, they decided to be
reconciled. He moved back to Singapore from Thailand and the children moved out of the home.
A basic principle to remember about triangles is this: Anything Peter says

negatively about Paul to Phillip has much more to do with Peter's
relationship with Phillip than any problem with Paul. Gossip, complaints
requests for being rescued almost always come from a desire to send a
message to the listener rather than change the problem supposedly caused
by the third person.
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Common Triangles
Below are several scenarios that many of us will find familiar in the families we know, for they
are representative of family life and church family life all around the world.
Janie tells Mother that her teacher is so mean that she cannot face going to school today. The
triangle is formed by Janie, the teacher, and the mother. Where is the anxiety? Upon
examination, Mother discovered that Janie had not finished her homework and wanted to triangle
Mother in to help her avoid the teacher. (Can you find the triangle? Is there more than one?)
1. George runs to Daddy crying and complains that big brother Joseph is teasing him. Dad
wonders, is this a triangle? Is this sibling rivalry with George trying to pull me onto his side
against Joseph? (What do you think? What is Dads best course of action?)
2. Gloria complains to Pastor Wagner that the Assistant Pastor is rude. Pastor Wagner wonders
if the complaint is legitimate or church family sibling rivalry. (What do you think? What is
the best thing for Pastor Wagner to do?)
3. Hillary asks her teacher to make the other children stop talking so loudly because she cannot
study. Is Hillary attempting to study or trying to get the teacher to like her at the expense of
the other children?
4. Jenny complains to a member of the elder board about the Pastor's lack of
preaching/spirituality/biblical literacy/sensitivity/family life. Who does Jenny wish to
influence, and what does she want emotionally?
Repeating Triangles In A Family System

1. Mother and Father have a strained relationship. He works far too much and she feels
powerless to change him. Daughter comes into an inside coalition by spending time and
energy by having Mother help her with homework. Mother gets a great emotional boost.
Father is on the outside, emotionally.
Father
Mother
Work
Daughter
2. Mother and daughter have conflict or stress between them and Father is drawn closer to
Mother in agreement about the need for better child discipline. The child acts out and mom
says, Wait until your father comes home. You are driving me mad. He will punish you for
this. Daughter is on the outside of the triangle while mom and Dad are on the inside. When
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Father comes home, Mother tells him to discipline her by sending her to her room without
dinner. The power coalition between parents is secure.
3. Mother feels closer to her husband as they are in a coalition to control the daughter. She
feels he is more distant to work and focused at last on the home fires. Dad feels powerful and
needed because he has Rescued Mother who was victimized by the out of control daughter.
Father --Mother
Work
Daughter
4. When Father enters the discipline coalition he seems to be closer to Mother and more distant
from work, but that is short lived. The emotional cost is very high. It is at the expense of a
good relationship with his daughter. He is in a double bind. In order to feel close to Mother,
he has to attack his daughter and damage his relationship with her. The coalition leads to:
a.
b.
c.
d.
Giving mom more power over daughter

Drawing mom and Dad together emotionally
Pulling Dads emotional attention away from work and closer to home
Alienating Dad and daughter
5. Later Mom feels badly about Dads treatment of daughter. He is just too harsh on her. He is
too much like my dad. He is not as sensitive about her as I.
6. She slips up to give daughter the food she had secretly saved from supper. Dont tell Dad
that I am feeding you. I feel sorry about what happened. He is just too harsh on you, but I
really understand girls feelings. Mom and child are again in a close coalition. Mother and
daughter are on the inside and Dad on the outside.
7. The power and closeness of the emotional relationship and the shared secret has shifted the
triangle from Mom and Dad to Mom and daughter.
Father
Mother
Daughter
8. Father is also feeling badly about his behavior toward daughter. He slips up to her room to
make up. He apologizes to her and offers her a bit of candy he had brought home. He also
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asks if he can read her a book until she goes to sleep. This brings Dad into a coalition with
child and distances him from Mom. The daughter may feel confusion, power, or split.
Father
Mother
Dad and daughter are on the inside and Mom is on the outside.
9. The child is confused but excited, so she cannot sleep. Mom hears the noise and catches him
reading the book. She severely scolds Father for getting the child all energized at bed time.
She tells the child that men just do not understand these things. She attempts to calm her
down. Mom and daughter have an inside coalition with Dad on the outside.There is again
closeness between Mom and child but at the cost of conflict between the parents, anxious
confusion in the child, and disrespect for Dad.
Father
Mother
Daughter
10. When daughter refuses to obey and go to sleep, mom and Dad form a coalition to force her to
sleep. The parents feel together and seem closer to each other. They are on the same team
with a common goal. Working together, they are able to get her to sleep.
11. The parents spend two hours discussing how to better raise this hyperactive child who is a
real handful. Mother has bought a new book called Discipline Gods Way that promises to
straighten out rebellious kids by using a series of strict interventions and punishments.
Childhood rebellions are, according to the author, the result of lax discipline and children
who do not respect parental authority. The philosophy is to spare the rod and spoil the child.
They agree to spank her in the future when she refuses to obey them. By continuing this
conversation, Mom and Dad feel close to each other and maintain the coalition that evening.
They are not sharing their own thoughts, frustrations, fears and joys. Instead, the
conversations always focus on the child. It is a child-centered family.
12. Since Mom and Dad never actually discuss their relationship, wants, needs or goals, the
repetitive, compulsive pattern of triangling daughter, work and discipline will continue and
get stronger. The child will not cooperate and be a discipline problem, refusing to obey and
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being disrespectful to her parents. The parents will continue to invite her to join their
coalitions and she will volunteer for that role even though she is terribly confused by it all.
The couples unresolved marital issues reappear as problems of the child.
The following repeating pattern of Triangles includes Mother, Son, Father, and Math Homework.
In many families triangles occur daily around homework because there is so much chronic
anxiety about school performance. In the following scenario, we will see how triangles move
around from parent to parent and the child as well as his homework.
Stage One
The Son complains to Mother about not being able to do his math homework. (He is a Victim,
math is the Persecutor.) He needs Mother to Rescue him from the evil math.
Mom
Son-Victim
Homework-Persecutor
Stage Two
When Mother attempts to Rescue him, the Victim Son refuses to perform the problems. Mother
gets angry and yells at the child, so she is now a Persecutor. The roles roll from one to another.
Mother gets over-involved in attempting to help Son. Her failure to motivate him to do his own
math results in her becoming frustrated, angry, and scolding.
Stage Three
Father hears the fight and intervenes (Rescues) to help Mother. Son complains that Mother is not
helping him at all. In fact, she is making things worse. This becomes an overlapping triangle of
Father, Mother, Son, and Homework, which are all intertwined and overlapped with conflict
swirling all about them and frustration rising.
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Homework
Son
Mother
Father
Stage Four
When the parents learned about triangles, they discussed a strategy to deal more effectively with
the ongoing situation. This is a key step to resolve problem patterns. The parents, as authorities
in the home, must establish the rules and the boundaries. This requires intimacy, honesty, mutual
respect, and mutual problem solving processes by Mother and Father. Son may become involved,
but the parents are the responsible architects of a healthy family system.
Father-Mother
They decided that Mother was too emotionally enmeshed with son to handle the homework
situation without getting hooked. Second, Father met with son to support him as he did his
homework. He instructed Son not to ask Mother for assistance. He and Father would work
together. Father would not do the homework nor would he be responsible for the results. Son
would have to live with the consequences of his own work habits.
Father
Partners to work on the homework together.

Son is worker and Father is guide/facilitator.
Son
Math
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Stage Five
Mother was anxious about how well Son was doing, and she worried that Father was too harsh
with Son and it might wound his self-esteem. She discussed her concerns with Father, not Son.
When Son complained that Father was mean and did not treat him as nicely as she did, Mothers
anxiety rose to great heights. However, she was able to calm herself and resist the temptation to
criticize her husband. Both Mother and Father were able to escape from the Toxic Triangles.
They did this by communicating openly with each other and refusing to get involved in trying to
Rescue their Son. Instead, they decided to help Son face his responsibilities with homework and
deal with reality.
When Toxic Triangles Persist

If these patterns do persist, and parents are not able to remove themselves from the Rescue
Triangles, we are likely to see the child become an Identified Patient who needs a counselor.
In the first example, Mother and Father became compulsively involved in repeating their
dysfunctional behavior and sending confusing messages to their daughter. Most children take
one of two options when the parents engage them in repeating triangles. They will engage in
either Acting In or Acting Out.
The repetitive patterns of triangling in which the child and parents are chronically caught raise
chronic anxiety. The child is especially vulnerable to the effects of this stress because of her
position in the triangle. The parents over-attention to her behavior and under-attention to
themselves adds great stress to the childs life. She is not causing the problem but is caught in
forces she neither understands nor can control. All her life she was tossed back and forth
between the forces of Mom and Dad. By developing a problem, she might actually be trying to
help her parents get some help.
Linear thinking will, of course, suggest that the problem is the child. The Identified Patient is
usually taken to see a counselor by her parents. They are concerned about her strange and
mysterious behavior. Acting In describes behavior that is destructive to the childs persons
inner life. Acting out denotes behavior that is external to the person and is socially undesirable.
In either case the parents will assume that the problem is inside the child and not in the family
pattern.
When counseling an Identified Patient we need to understand her role and position in the family.
It is important to understand the repeating patterns and processes in which she and her family
engage. Then we can try to help her change that position and pattern of responses.
If she can change her role and the patterns of her relationships in the triangles, it will allow her to
shed the IP role. In fact, it may even bring about a second order change to the system. The whole
family and all of the repeating family roles can be altered by the shift of one person.
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Patterns of Acting in
Patterns of Acting Out
Depression
Anorexia
Bulimia
Anxiety
Fearfulness
Obsessive thoughts
ADD/ADHD
Drinking
Drugs
Gangs
School problems
Sexual promiscuity
Religious compulsions
Risky behavior
The Inner Anxiety is, of course, related to the Outer Behavior. They reinforce each other in a
vicious cycle of destruction. If we drink or do drugs to calm our anxiety we will become more
anxious and guilt-ridden, producing a stronger desire for medication, legal or illegal.
Triangles and Addictions

Sometimes the third party in a triangle is a symptom such as alcohol, smoking, or eating. It is
also popular to use religion, work, or the computer as the third leg of the triangle. When a couple
fails to deal directly with their relationship, time, energy, and attention gets focused on
something else. In some cases, it is a lover or pornography.
A major cause of anxiety among Christians is the rise of pornography and fantasy sex. In my
experience, the root problem is conflict between a couple with pornography as the symptom.
Some men use pornography to provide them with a false sense of emotional acceptance. If Mom
places all her emotional affection on a child and Dad feels frustrated, angry, and rejected, he may
turn to pornography as a way to both feel accepted romantically and get even with his wife.
Father
Mother
Child
Porn
It is more common for Father to get over involved with work and get his emotional fix there.
Mothers tend to become over-involved with the children. Dads are usually over involved with
things outside the home, while Moms emotional involvements revolve around the family. The
results are overlapping triangles that can develop a life of their own. If the mutually reinforcing
patterns are not broken, they will escalate over time into a series of serious conflicts.
Dad can become obsessed with money, work, gambling, or _______ and talks about it
incessantly. Mom is obsessed with children, religion, makeup, or _________ and can think or
speak of little else. This obviously detracts from intimacy in the marriage. Remember, in
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triangles, two people are on the inside of the emotional processes and one is on the outside. The
result is an increased pattern of anxiety and shallow marital relationships.
When a childs acting in or acting out becomes so great that both parents think they must get
involved, another coalition is formed. They have a strong inside coalition with the child on the
outside. This may give the parents a sense of deep intimacy and harmony. For a while they are
on the same team struggling with a common concern. However, unless they begin to work on
their own relationship, the good feelings will not last.
A family crisis can either weld a couple together or drive them apart. Illness, behavioral
problems, or emotional challenges give families an opportunity to change their dysfunctional
roles and patterns. In some families, a crisis degenerates into accusations and recriminations. If
the couple is unable to deal with differences and conflict effectively, an Identified Patient (IP)
can rip the marriage and family apart. (Church conflicts are similar.)
Our ministry at Sweeten Life has recently been involved with parents with a child who has
serious chronic illness. We are developing materials to assist parents do a Quality Of Life selfassessment to help them look at patterns of stress and support. One of the most common items of
stress in such families is the temptation to emotionally focus on the needs of the IP and neglect
the rest of the family. This can bring about toxic triangles and increase the stress of all the family
including the IP. Cyndi Wineinger, a parent well trained in understanding triangles, and I did a
teaching on this topic. It is available at the SLS Vimeo Channel.
In some cultures, mothers are assigned the role of rearing the children. If one of the children fails
academically, emotionally, or legally, she will be blamed and shamed. This approach to family
life places enormous pressure on mothers to make sure her children do not act in or act out. It is a
partial explanation for why many mothers take extreme measures to push their children to
succeed. Such unconscious rules place mothers in a no-win double bind situation. The stress
placed on working mothers in Asia is incredible. It is best if both parents are mutually engaged in
parenting.
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Chapter 5 Triangles in Christian Ministry

One of the most common questions asked at our seminars has to do with triangles. Pastors and
other Helpers will say something like this: What should I do to keep people from getting upset
with me when I try to help them? This is an indication of a common pastoral mistake: attempting
to give advice. When that happens, we move into the middle of what is called The Responsibility
or Rescue Triangle. Here is a phrase to remember to keep you out of a triangle more dangerous
than the one in Bermuda.
If you try to Rescue a Victim from a Persecutor, The

Rescuer will be perceived as the Persecutor, and then
feel like the Victim.
My nephew, Jeff, tells me that the domestic violence run is the most dangerous type of call to
make as a police officer. He says that a cop who shows up in a home ready to Rescue a battered
wife from a Persecuting husband must watch his back at all times. The great danger is that the
Victim will attack the arresting officer she had called to Rescue her. The Triangle continues, but
the roles are transferred to other people.
Persecutor
Victim
Cop Rescues Victim, arrests Persecutor
When the case comes to court, the Victim wife drops the case and blames the cops for being
violent, the courts for being mean, and the neighbors for being nosy. The cop is confused. Why
is he, the good guy, considered the bad guy?
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In some states it has been necessary to pass laws requiring victims to go to court because so
many were dropping their complaints. Why do these battered, helpless Victims have so much
hatred for the police who are repeatedly called on to Rescue them?
Why is the U.S. so often blamed for the problems the government and military try to solve in
foreign lands? Why are U.S. troops attacked and shot in Africa, Asia and Bosnia when they are
only there to Rescue the people? Why are wealthy Christians so often attacked for trying to help
the inner city poor? Why do people gossip, tell tales, and attack pastors who are trying to help
them? The reason is simple: the rules of relationships say, When a Rescuer attempts to save a
Victim from a Persecutor, he/she gets blamed for the problems.
Mom attempts to Rescue a little brother/sister from being Victimized by a big brother Persecutor,
but finds that the cycle of conflict increases rather than decreases. The little brother then blames
Mother for her inability to discipline big brother and big brother blames Mother for her taking
the side of the other brother.
In most churches, the pastor is assumed to be Rescuer, parent, care giver, and saint who must
keep the church and its members in constant harmony. The pastors role:
If I could teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
Any perceived failures of harmony, growth and offerings are laid at the door of the pastor.
Churches can be ripped apart by triangles. Members are used to getting their way by using
triangles. Every congregation is a family of families, so all the old family patterns are played
over and over again in the church family. Coalitions, triangles, and blaming are so normal that
we do not even see them as unbiblical. The members will not change so if the pastor wants to
stop being blamed he must change his behavior from Rescuer to Facilitator.
Nodal Events And Systemic Changes

Any small or large change in the family relational pattern has an immediate impact on all
members. Since the entire relationship system is emotionally interconnected, a change in one
pattern sets off a chain reaction in the other patterns, resulting in increased anxiety and an
attempt to change back to the old ways of behaving. The system reaction is mindless and
automatic in its response to change. It hates any disturbance in its homeostatic balance. When
our balancing partner slides in closer to the middle on a see saw, we react automatically to the
imbalance and scoot quickly in the other direction to restore the feeling of safety. So does a
church system.
Imagine what would happen if a normally distant father suddenly changed his position to being
emotionally close to the wife and children. Instead of being gone from home, he spends more
time with Mother and Child. Would that be an improvement? Would Mother be happy or sad or
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confused? Mother may complain to her friends and family members that Father is bugging me.
He is in my way and interfering with the things I do at home. I never have any peace now. Why
would she not be happy that he is doing what she has asked him to do for years?
Also imagine what would happen if he began to assert himself in rearing and disciplining the
child. This is the scenario that greeted us in an Asian consultation. Father was a high ranking
official with the Drug Enforcement Agency who took an early retirement. For 25 years he had
worked 60 to 70 hours each week. Mother ran the home and family, and he ran the drug
enforcement agency.
They had three children who were well-behaved and doing above average academic work.
Before retirement, the emotional map looked like this.
3. Daughter
Father
Mother
Work
2. Daughter
1. Son
Father is emotionally close at work. Mother is emotionally close with the family. Homeostatic
balance is evident in the family. There is little if any conflict and little intimacy between Father
and Mother. When Father retires, the balance is disturbed. He enters into the family system in a
different manner than ever before.
Father is present daily in the home. That is a big change from the time his work kept him
occupied. Second, Father is a very active, powerful leader who gave orders to and received
obedience from an entire division of police officers. He naturally attempted to transfer that
military style of relating to the home. Mother had run the home quite successfully for 20 years.
She had reared the three children with little or no input from Father. She had been in charge, but
he has suddenly displaced her as the authority figure with the children.
Soon after retirement, the youngest daughter, age 16, begins to act out. She 1) Paints her hair
green; 2) Dates a motorcycle gang member; 3) Starts fights with Father; 4) Stays out late at
night; and 5) Talks on the telephone a lot.
Father became very upset and tried to control his daughter. This makes things worse. Father had
just come to Christ and heard the pastors talks about submission of wives and children to the
fathers. So, he went in to see the Youth Pastor and asked for advice about how to make his wife
and children submit. The conversation went something like this. My wife and children will not
submit to me. They are rebelling against my authority. I think you must demand that they obey
scripture.
If you were the pastor, what would you say and do? Do you tell them to submit? Do you blame
the rebellious daughter and tell her to submit? Whatever you do will cause conflict. You are in a
difficult spot. Assess the situation. Name the Persecutor, the Victim, and the Rescuer.
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Youth Pastor decided that his authority was being questioned, and he wanted to show Father he
was a good pastor. He went to their home for a family conference and attempted to Rescue the
Victim, Father, from the Persecuting Family Members. He met with the whole family and taught
them that the Bible commands total submission to Father. Before he finished the lesson,
Youngest Daughter attacked Youth Pastor verbally. She ran out of the house in a rage to her
gangster boyfriend waiting nearby on his motorcycle. Youngest Daughter shouted as she drove
away, You crazy Christians are why Im becoming a Buddhist.
Father reported Youth Pastors failure to Senior Pastor, who became very angry. The famous
police inspector was upset, and the daughter was becoming a Buddhist. By the time the Youth
Pastor came to the Family Class, he was devastated and embarrassed. However, he was
interested in finding new ways to work with these common situations. His young colleagues said
that such things often happened and they had no idea about how to respond to these requests.
This is a Rescue Triangle because the Youth Pastor is trying to Rescue a person who is in
conflict. Pastors are often urged to Rescue people but it rarely turns out well for anyone. The
Rescuer tries to solve the conflict but fails and then he gets blamed and called the Persecutor but
feels like a Victim.
Before discussing the trap the pastor unwittingly fell into, we will diagram the family system
after the nodal change when Father retired:
Stage 1: shows that the Conflict between Father and Mother increased dramatically after Father
switched his time, energy, and focus to home and family from the police force. She had been in
charge at home, but now he wanted to take over and run things leaving her powerless. Mother,
by cultural rules and Christian tradition, was unable to assert herself with Father. She needs help,
and the whole family system feels extremely tense and anxious.
Youngest Daughter stays close to Mother.
Son becomes distant by withdrawing to school

Elder Daughter moves closer to Mother
Stage 2: Youngest Daughter comes to Mothers aide without being asked. She unconsciously
stops the parents from fighting. She feels Mothers anxiety and fear the conflict between her
parents. She acts out with a Buddhist motorcycle gang member, a person hated by her straightlaced father. This shifts the conflict from Father-Mother to Father-Daughter and keeps Mom
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from being displaced as the caregiver to the children. It also Rescues Mother from being blamed
by Father. The Daughter defies Dads values, and now Mom and Dad are in agreement that
something must be done. First Daughter supports Mother emotionally but does not act out. Son is
still distant. Mother is calm and pleased.
Mother
Youngest Daughter
Dad
Elder Daughter
Son
Father and Mother have more peace. Mother-Daughters are close.

Stage 3: Father seeks support from the Youth Pastor, who gets very anxious. The Father is
famous and he is embarrassed that one of the members of his Youth Service Corps is in
rebellion. Youth Pastor decides to Rescue Father. He visits the home and preaches to Mother and
Children on submission. (Son is absent.) Youth Pastor is in the middle of the conflict Triangle.
Elder Daughter
Father Mother
Younger Daughter
Pastor
Son
Stage 4: Pastor is the focus of Father, Mother, and Childrens complaints. He is a Persecutor to
them. They feel closer because they have a common enemy.
Mom
Daughter
Father
Pastor
Younger Daughter
Son
Father complains to Senior Pastor that the Youth Pastor is not making the family submit; Mother
complains that Youth Pastor has been too harsh on Youngest Daughter; Youngest Daughter
complains that Youth Pastor is a big bully just like Father and says that her Buddhist boyfriend is
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upset with all this Christian business. Youth Pastor is shocked, confused, and stunned. He thinks,
I have ruined the family and made the girl seek Buddhism instead of Christianity. It is entirely
my fault. (Linear thinking is attractive to clergy.)
Stage 5: Youth Pastor attends my teaching on triangles and removes self from Rescue Position.
He comes up with a plan to meet with Father and Mother to discuss how they can cooperate in
managing the home. He takes emphasis off Youngest Daughter and focuses on the Couple. He
does research on the deeper meaning of Ephesians 5 for Christian couples and leads them in a
Bible study about mutual care and support. He is a Facilitator, not a Rescuer.
Father
Mother
Pastor
The goal is for Youth Pastor to help Mother and Father work out a new style of relating. He stays
out of the Responsibility Triangle and challenges them to find a process that works. Pastor
communicates openly with both of them and helps them communicate openly with each other to
set reasonable goals and expectations. They get involved in a couples group to learn how to rear
children. Youth Pastor meets with Father to mentor him in relationships. He knows that the
Father needs something to do outside the home and suggests that Father work part time as a
security manager at the church. Father is delighted and accepts the job. Father feels powerful
again and has less time at home, allowing Mother to influence the children.
The best way to avoid unhealthy triangles is to have a well-defined, open, straight relationship
with each person. Becoming emotionally committed to either side of the triangle changes a
healthy triangle to unhealthy. Each person needs to discover his gifts, call, talents, and life.
Healthy triangles are globs of Gorilla Glue that keep the family stuck together.
Triangles With God

Perhaps the most seductive and powerful of all possible triangles occurs when Christian leaders
try to Rescue people from the world, the flesh, and the devil. Many of us in ministry grew up as
the caregivers in our families. It seems natural for us to fall into that role in ministry. The
temptation for us is to be more concerned about the spiritual, mental, and relational health of our
members than they are for themselves. One of the most common questions we get at our
seminars is from Pastors and Leaders who ask: How can I motivate the unmotivated? My
answer for the past several decades has been, be careful when you try to motivate the
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unmotivated. You may motivate them to be less motivated to do what you want them to do.
Everyone is motivated, but not everybody is motivated to do what we want them to do. If we
push on one side of the triangle, we are most likely going to motivate people to be less motivated
to change.
Most religious systems encourage leaders to think of ourselves as Rescuers. Whether the leader
received training through a Seminary or Bible school, I hear it from almost everyone. As a Priest
in Asia told me, I was taught to never take time off or take a vacation because I was responsible
to meet the needs of all the members. I learned that exhaustion was the mark of a mature
minister.
If we are not careful, we who reach, teach, and pray for the needy can unconsciously think of
ourselves as the Rescuers of the unsaved and healers of the sick. But that is just the beginning,
for we can also try to be responsible for church growth in numbers and the spiritual growth of the
entire flock. We are born, bred, and conditioned to believe we must take on all the loads of the
world. If the church does not grow and people are not healed or saved, the people look at us as
failures and we agree with them. This is why we ask people to go through Hope and Change for
Humpty Dumpty and Power Christian Thinking before learning about Inner Healing.
The usual hook for a Rescuer is a plea for help. Pastor, please tell me what to do. What should I
do in life? How much should I pray? What is God saying to me? Do you have a word from the
Lord for me? Can you heal me? You are the best, the only true Christian, the greatest
In the diagram below the Pastor/Priest is in the middle between the Member and God. This
makes idolatry very tempting. In modern Christianity people tend to look to the superstar
leaders for healing and growth rather than God. In fact, the more gifted, talented, and anointed a
leader is, the greater the temptation of members to idolize him. The problem with this approach
is the depression, anxiety, and stinking thinking that occur when we are not able to be a
superstar. I often remind leaders of 1 CO 3:5: I planted, Apollos watered but God gave the
increase. No leader gives an increase. That is the job of God.
God
Pastor/Priest
John and Joan Member
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If a member actually does not know the appropriate scripture, the request for information may be
legitimate. However, this is known as The Pharisees Query. It puts the Pastor in a no-win
situation by asking him to reply to a question which might be a trap. Jesus was extremely wise in
dealing such queries. He instructed us to be as wise as serpents and as gentle as doves when
confronted by tricky issues.(Matthew 10:16.)
Each Christian must learn to hear and follow God for himself. Many believers look for someone
to Rescue them from having to face God directly. In the above graphic we see that John Member
is not looking to God for guidance. He wants the Pastors answer. People will often argue with a
Pastor or friend about an issue if they do not want to face God personally.
If the Pastor responds in a way that is confrontational, he will likely be seen as the Persecutor
with John and Joan Member as Victims. John and Joan Member will then complain to another
member who will sympathize with his plight and blame the Pastor. John Member needs a
Rescuer who will assist him as he Persecutes the Pastor/Rescuer. This is how gossip and rumors
spread like wild fire. The people we attempt most mightily to Help/Rescue will usually be the
ones who attack us most viciously.
Another tempting triangle scenario is common in churches when a person tries to recruit a leader
to be on their side against someone else. Mrs. Taylor calls Pastor Charles and complains that Mr.
Clark, her Bible teacher, has failed to follow scripture. He asked a sinful woman to pray in class.
She tells the Pastor that he must intervene and confront the Teacher. Can you see the roles? Who
is the current Victim? The Persecutor? The Rescuer?
What is the wise thing for Pastor Charles to do? Should he attempt to Rescue the Victim? Should
he confront Mr. Clark or remove him from the class? Or, would it be best to defend Mr. Clark by
telling Mrs. Taylor how wonderful he is as a teacher? Jesus teaches us in Matthew 18:15-19 how
to deal with complaints to church leaders.
1. If two people have a complaint, let them settle it privately between themselves. Do
not get involved in trying to Rescue the person who sees herself as the Victim. Do not
meet privately with either party.
2. If the two people cannot become reconciled between themselves, get one or two
neutral persons to act as counselors as they meet personally with the two parties. Do
not meet privately with either party.
3. If they cannot resolve the conflict when witnesses are involved, take the matter to the
church leaders for resolution. Do not meet privately with either party.
Pastors, church workers, and lay persons often violate these commands of Jesus and get into hot
water. We attempt to Rescue a Victim but are accused of being a Persecutor, so we feel like a
Victim. No wonder so many Pastors complain about being Victims with a lot of gossip in their
churches. When Rescuing becomes a repetitive pattern in a leader, it can even get worse and turn
into compulsive behavior. The Compulsive Rescuer is called a Codependent. The Compulsive
behavior of a Rescuer/Codependent is harmful and actually fosters compulsive behavior of those
we try to Rescue.
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Victims look for Persecutors. Victims keep their power by continually being helpless. Their
power comes from the blame and shame game at which they have become experts. When a
Victim cries out to a compulsive Rescuer/Codependent for help, the cycle is repeated. A
Compulsive Rescuer cannot resist the temptation to find Victims to assist. This is what it means
to be a Codependent. An alcoholic must have a drink and a Codependent must find an alcoholic
to Rescue. One must ask the question: Who is the Addict and who is the Helper?
Rescuers look for Victims to take care of. Being a constant hero means that we always need a
crisis to rescue people from. Rescuers need to be needed. We are not altruistic or loving. We are
not selfless or giving. We are arsonists who set fires just so we can put them out. If there is not a
Victim to help we will push someone in the water so we can save them from drowning. The
Rescuers message to a Victim is plain: You cannot operate your life without me. You are
inadequate, helpless, and hopeless without my assistance. Rescuers are actually disrespectful
because they imply others are helpless.
We can get so overinvolved in the situations of other people that we do not examine our own
life. We can unknowingly neglect our family, our feelings, and our faith. God and others are far
away. Victims are on the inside of the triangles and this keeps the Holy Spirit and family on the
outside. The emotional pain of a Rescuer can push him/her to look for someone or something to
do which will replace the pain. The rush of good feelings gives us a high, and that high
reinforces our compulsive patterns.
The Rescuer is often manipulated into this position. Victims know how to hook us. They may
complain that we are doing too little to help them get out of their dilemma, and we cannot stand
the false guilt that arises inside us. Their complaints makes us feel like Persecutors. We then
react with false guilt and shame, the great motivators of chronic, compulsive Rescuers. A
Rescuer cannot resist the temptation to jump into the water and pull the expert swimmer out.
Never Persecute, accuse, blame, or shame any person. Never Rescue, take monkeys, or try to be
the expert. If we can change these roles, we can stop repeating our favorite triangles. Sometimes
we who are programmed to be Rescuers become angry when our attempts to Rescue fail. Our
hurt and anger at being rejected can turn us into Persecutors, causing a cycle of hurt,
recrimination, and rejection. This is a role I found myself in with my mother. She often called me
from Illinois to complain about her spiritual condition. She seemed anxious about her salvation
and I was sure I could convince her that she had no worries.
Almost every time she called and complained, I jumped in, eager to teach her the Bible. Those
conversations usually ended in a predictable manner. I lectured and she cried. I felt terrible after
we hung up the phone. I would study harder so I could be more successful the next time. I asked
Dr. Friedman, my Family Therapy teacher, about this pattern, and here is what he said: You
know too much. To which I replied, It is impossible to know too much, and he replied, See?
You are addicted to knowledge.
The next time Mother called, I was ready. I gently probed and asked questions then listened to
her answers. Despite having written several books on the importance of listening, I was stuck in
a role of Rescuing Mother from herself and talking instead of listening. Dr. Friedman was right: I
knew too much. When I quit knowing so much and offering Mother all my answers, she came up
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with them herself. In fact, I finally asked her a key question: Mother, are you saying you doubt
your salvation? She said in a disgusted tone, Why of course not, Gary Ray. I was saved at age
15 and never doubted it. I have taught the security of the believer for over 50 years. Then she
gave me all the verses I had tried to share with her for so long. I could not hear her before
because I needed to be the Hero Rescuer.
When I knew less, Mother knew more.
Points to Ponder
1. These repeating patterns are based on emotional insecurity and lies. Much of our emotional
pain is caused by 'shoulds and oughts' rather than the truth.
2. Every position in the triangle both results from and causes pain. Thus, the patterns will get
stronger over time if they are not broken.
3. We usually have a favorite starting place. Some are tempted to start as Rescuers while others
are stuck in a pattern of Victim who consistently cries out for help. My favorite pattern has
been the Rescuer, but I have also retreated into the Victim role when I was tired or needy.
After being rebuffed by my mother when I attempted to Rescue her from depression, I would
get angry and Persecute (scold) her until she was upset with me. I broke this pattern when I
learned to listen without offering any advice or counsel despite her repeated requests to be
Rescued. (Lord it is hard to be humble)
4. Many pastors are chronic Rescuers who worry more about their members spiritual life than
the members do. This is one key to assessing whether we are about to enter into a Rescue
operation. Do I worry more about the persons behavior than they do? Am I working harder
to help this person than they are to help themselves? Do I chronically attempt to help or
change people who do not want to change? Do people complain that my attempts to help are
inadequate? Do I feel overwhelmed by peoples problems?
5. Rescuers carry monkeys others are supposed to carry. If you want to be a Rescuer:
Be very worried and anxious about the person and/or his problems.
Attempt to be the answer expert for people when they have a problem or concern.
This is called Omniscience.
Be available at all times for all people. This is called Omnipresence.
Become angry when people do not get well, change, or take your advice.
If you want to let people grow up and care for themselves, do these things.
Relinquish the person to God who loves them.

Receive God's Word about what to do, how to pray, and what to say.
Resist evil and do the right things.
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Relax. As the psalmist David said, Be still and know that I am God.
How To Get Out Of Triangles
Recognize your past role and pattern. Define your new role in the triangle. Selfawareness is important. Slow down and think about how you may be pulled into
triangles. Revisit the materials on the Golden Rule in Hope and Change for Humpty
Dumpty (Sweeten and Griebling).
What is the pay off? What is the cost? How do I feel after the triangle? Recognize the
emotional rewards you get for agreeing to be in the triangle. Examine your role in your
family of origin. Were you the Rescuer, Persecutor, or Victim?
Think about your boundaries. What are you willing to do and what are you not willing to
do? Describe them to others. Write them down.
Speak directly to people. Stop being a conduit for others. Do not try to speak or take up
for others. Do not offend and do not defend. Speak only for self at all times.
Do not gossip. The people who murmured against Moses were strongly confronted by the
Lord.
How will you increase your tolerance for their anxiety? In the past you reacted. What will
be different this time?
Be concrete about what you will do and not do. Speak directly to each person. List what
you want, you need, and you like.
Be at peace. No one can make you anxious.
Prepare for a lot of mental, emotional, and physical stress. Pray for God's protection and
guidance.
Expect others to be surprised and upset at your newfound peace. Think of a non-anxious,
playful way to describe your new focus.
Expect resistance. You have decided to change and it is impacting others, so why would
they not resist? People do not like surprises and changes.
Do not preach or explain why this is good for the other people.
Jesus teaches Peter a lesson about triangles in Matthew 16:

13
When Jesus came to the region of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, Who do people
say the Son of Man is?
14
They replied, Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one
of the prophets. 15 But what about you? he asked. Who do you say I am? 16 Simon Peter
answered, You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.
17
Jesus replied, Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by flesh
and blood, but by my Father in heaven. 18 And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I
will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. 19 I will give you the keys of
the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you
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loose on earth will be[e] loosed in heaven. 20 Then he ordered his disciples not to tell anyone
that he was the Messiah.
Jesus Predicts His Death

21
From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and
suffer many things at the hands of the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and
that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life.
22
Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. Never, Lord! he said. This shall never
happen to you!
23
Jesus turned and said to Peter, Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you
do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.
24
Then Jesus said to his disciples, Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and
take up their cross and follow me. 25 For whoever wants to save their life[f] will lose it, but
whoever loses their life for me will find it. 26 What good will it be for someone to gain the whole
world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? 27 For the Son
of Man is going to come in his Fathers glory with his angels, and then he will reward each
person according to what they have done.
Peter goes from spiritual hero to satanic failure. He recognized Jesus as the Messiah, but tried to
stop him from carrying out his call. He was so caught up in the Hero Rescuer role that he tried to
dominate God. The teaching of Jesus is very instructive for us as well. He said to Peter, You are
not concerned about the concerns of God but merely human concerns. Much of what passes for
godly compassion is human anxiety. When Jesus said we had to die to self it was a selfish desire
to Rescue people and to be important. Death and resurrection are the answers to dysfunctional
behavior.
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Chapter 6 Christian Couples and Conflict

A stable family life is a great contributor to healthy lives. The marital couple is the foundation of
future generations and the key to healthy living from generation to generation. Despite a general
acceptance of these statements, the stability of married couples is threatened by several factors.
According to Churchgoers Live Longer by Robert Roy Britt:
There are many things you can do to increase your life expectancy: exercise, eat well,
take your medication and ... go to church.
A new study finds people who attend religious services weekly live longer. Specifically,
the research looked at how many years are added to life expectancy based on:
Regular physical exercise: 3.0-to-5.1 years

Proven therapeutic regimens: 2.1-to-3.7 years
Regular religious attendance: 1.8-to-3.1 years
The role of religion

The study, which is actually a review of existing research from the three categories,
does not reveal what the link between faith and health might be.
"Religious attendance is not a mode of medical therapy," said study leader Daniel Hall,
a resident in general surgery at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center. "While
this study was not intended for use in clinical decision making, these findings tell us that
there is something to examine further."
The findings are detailed in the March-April issue of the Journal of the American Board
of Family Medicine.
Cost-effective
Hall also looked at the cost of these three approaches, examining typical gym
membership fees, therapy costs from health insurance companies and census data on
average household contributions to religious institutions. The estimated cost of each
year of additional life apparently gained by each method:
Regular physical exercise: $4,000

Proven therapeutic regimens: $10,000
Regular religious attendance: $7,000
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We have always had to live with chronic family dysfunction. There has never been a perfect
family on the earth. Not even the mother and father of Jesus were perfectly sinless. Even if
parenting perfection were possible, our children would be imperfect due to their inherited fallen
nature.
But make no mistake about the importance of marriage. The marital dyad is central to the health
or dysfunction of a nuclear family as well as future generations. How couples relate to each other
and to other family members impacts every member of the family system. Our marital behavior
will reverberate positively or negatively throughout many future generations.
The Response Of Christians

Where can a couple turn to find assistance for their marital problems? Do God and His church
care for the couples who are in conflict and pain? And, if so, can they do anything about it? The
answers are all a resounding, YES!
God loves to help distressed people and calls us to support those with marital difficulties.
Research shows the value of faith in the development of healthy family life. Christians fondly
discuss family values, but what about the value of a Christian family? The following important
statistics from the keynote address of David Larson are little known in evangelism and churchgrowth.
Religious commitment is associated with positive mental, emotional and relational

benefits about 80% of the time.
Church attendees are four times less likely to commit suicide. Church attendance
predicts suicide risks more accurately than any other factor.
Patients with strong religious commitment were less depressed and recovered more
quickly from hip replacement surgery.
Religious commitment is negatively correlated with teen substance abuse. Religious
people drink less and abuse alcohol less. The only exceptions are teens from homes
where religion is talked but not walked. When hypocrisy rules, alcohol consumption
rises.
Church attendees have less sex out of wedlock.
Teens from homes where a parent is unavailable during the day are more likely to
have sex. However, even these teens have less sex outside of marriage if they attend
church.
Church going couples experience divorce about 18% of the time, while nonbelievers
do so at twice (36%) that rate.
Couples who are committed to Christ have greater life satisfaction, greater marital
satisfaction, and greater sexual satisfaction.
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Why is it important to look at some of these disturbing and controversial issues? First, family
functioning is critically important to a nations welfare. Family dysfunction is a growing and
costly fact. Second, not all Christian families are functional or healthy. Every family suffers from
what we can call the fallen humanity syndrome, and we must learn to deal with its reality and
heal it. Third, we can all learn how to become more functional. We know that couples can he
healed. Fourth, scripture offers many principles for healthy, functional family living.
Unfortunately, politics and polemics dominate many of the comments on family life.
Conservative Christians often make political statements for the press rather than giving helpful
guidance for couples.
Research That Is Biblically Integrated

One of the most important and influential researchers on the healthy and unhealthy patterns of
couples is Dr. John Gottman. His unique approach reveals important principles and process for
enhancing couple and family health. Gottman watches the mental, emotional, and physiological
reactions of the couple as they relate to each other while discussing a family situation such as
planning a vacation. By hooking couples up to sensitive brain wave monitors, he has been able to
track the positive and negative aspects of their relationship.
His insights are consistent with the biblical record and they reveal the destructive habits that
couples have practiced since the Fall. Successful marriages come in different packages.
However, despite individual differences and commonalities, all successful marriages have
similar characteristics and all destructive marriages have identical markers. We will focus on the
research by Gottman and integrate them with biblical principles.
Conflict can either strengthen or destroy a marriage. The way couples handle conflict is the most
significant aspect of being successful or unsuccessful in keeping the marriage together. Those
who handle differences appropriately will be able to make it through life with success and an
intact marriage. They will not divorce or suffer other traumatizing problems. If, however, they
cannot deal effectively with the differences which plague every couple, they will very likely
separate and divorce.
Couples come to a critical path in the road of marital togetherness. If they travel along the
positive path, their marriage will grow. If not, it will very likely dissolve. That fork in the road
can be called attack or attend. If the mates personally attack each other, the marriage is in real
danger. If, however, they find a way to attend to each other when disagreements arise rather than
attack, the marriage will grow. The emotional, verbal attack of a Christian mate is as traumatic
as that of a non-Christian.
Some people were reared in homes where verbal attacks were the only way to resolve conflicts.
So, when a disagreement arises, they hone their verbal thrust and go in for the kill. The purpose
of a functional partner is not to hurt or kill, however, but to get a loving response. An attack
actually prevents loving relationships from occurring. However, when it is the only way we
know, we do it automatically.
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Gottmans research looks at the changes in a mate's heart rate, breathing, and other physiological
manifestations of anxiety during a conversation. Other researchers have done similar studies but
with less reliable self-reports and clinical observations. Thus, Dr. Gottman is very accurate in
predicting present and future problems. After many years of research, he and his colleagues have
gathered data from thousands of marriages and correlated it with marital satisfaction. They know
when a couple is in trouble.
I adapted the Gottman information into a simple, seven-point scale, which can be used to assess
the level of a couples marital distress and danger. The scale is useful for teaching couples how
to assess their level of resiliency. It also offers suggestions for taking appropriate action at each
stage. Gottmans insights can be used to prepare couples to avoid the attack marriage and
emphasize attending skills.
The Cycle Of Conflict Intensity

Level of Interaction
Resulting Physical Symptoms
1. Contented: A peace with others.

Thinking and feeling calm
1. Relaxed. Male heart rate 72

Female heart rate 80
2. Complaint: A specific behavior

2. Slight anxiety & fear. Increased
Healthy activity of I" statements (I want, Heart rate-BPM & breathing, muscles
I think, I don't like, etc.).
tense. Minor Fight/Flight Response.
3. Criticism: A vague blaming. "You"
statements. Focus on person not
behavior. A flawed personality. Global
statements.
4. Contempt: Personal insults, shaming
attacks on the character sense of self and
identity. Opposite of admiration,
mocking lack of respect.
3. More anxiety and fear. High blood

pressure & breathing rate, muscles tight,
blood sugar, and eyes dilated, reduced
digestion. Feel attacked.
4. High anxiety and high stress. Feel
heartbeat. Shallow breathing, fight/ flight
response on alert, hyper vigilant.
Reactive to threat.
5. Consuming defenses: rejects all

communication. Attacks the mate.
5. Severe anxiety. Cant think. Feelings

rule. Fight/Flight. Shaking or trembling.
6. Crushing reaction, withdrawal, or

aggressive pursuit of the other. Cycle of
miscommunication/misunderstanding.
6. Emotional flooding: Chronic state of

hyper vigilance and hypersensitive selftalk.
7. Complete Isolation: withdrawal.
7. Too painful to interact with rational

discourse. Filled with constant thoughts
of attack and condemnation.
a. Problem is impossible to resolve
b. Talking is useless
c. Hopeless
d. Overwhelmed
John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed
or Fail, Simon and Schuster.
Gary Sweeten, Sweeten Life Systems
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I presented these materials at a recent conference. Before the talk, I received a note from a
woman whose husband had divorced her for another woman. She asked how do I deal with such
an evil man now that we are divorced? Should I allow him to be with our children? He is really a
bad person and I think his presence will
damage the children.
After hearing my teaching, she wrote me
another note. I now know why my husband
wanted to be with someone else. I never gave
him a chance to tell his side of things and I
attacked him about a lot of issues. Thanks for
telling me this information. I am going to ask
him for forgiveness and tell him that he can
see the children.
Let me hasten to add that this could have been
a man. Being critical is not limited to females.
Many persons see themselves as the innocent parties in a divorce or serious marital conflict. If
they never committed adultery or other gross sins, they perceive themselves to be innocent.
However, the sins of the tongue can be as damaging to intimate relationships as the sins of
pornography and physical sex.
The Cycle is useful in understanding and handling the inevitable conflicts that occur in marriage.
The data about stress, anxiety, blood pressure, and heart rates are also applicable to every
relationship. For example, church conflicts produce the same cycle of anger, resentment and
revenge as in marriage. It is helpful to see church groups as extended families with spiritual
connections. Spiritual connections have physical ramifications, and when one is suffering from
enormous stresses at work or church, they also affect us at home, leading more easily to
emotional flooding.
Conflicts Are Inevitable, But Break-Ups Are Optional

Successful relationships only happen when we learn how to resolve Conflicts without chronically
moving beyond healthy Complaints. Healthy Complaints actually keep a relationship clean and
growing. However, when out of frustration and pain we start to Criticize or show Contempt,
there is danger of a permanent break in the relationship.
Healthy Complaints use I Statements to share my concerns.
Example: I do not like the way we are interacting. We do not spend enough time together,
especially on fun things.
Unhealthy Criticism uses You Statements to attack others behaviors.
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Example: You never come home and spend time with me.
Unhealthy Contempt uses You Statements to attack others character
Example: You dont care anything about being a husband/wife and never fulfill your
commitment to the kids and me.
Learning to resolve interpersonal differences makes marriage and family life fun, interesting and
fulfilling. By using I Statements, we take responsibility for our own thoughts and feelings.
Complaints can be very healthy: We need to learn how to state our wants, needs, and desires
directly so the people around us can understand exactly what we are saying. A good Complaint
states openly what the person wants. For example: I want to eat at home tonight. I am tired of
eating out. or I want to eat at Bob Evans tonight. They have a special pot pie that I really like.
This kind of a direct statement is easily understood and easily responded to by our family.
Okay, we can go to Bob Evans for the pot pie, but I want to eat at Panera next week. Such
statements may cause us to become a bit nervous about being selfish, but clear statements are
much easier to deal with than hints that require us to read minds or a passive-aggressive response
that erupts into a fight later.
Example: Verbal comment: Of course we can eat at the Greasy Spoon, dear.
Internal self-talk: That rat never does what I want. He always gets his way.
The second way it seems humble but nearly always ends up in a fight for the internal discussion
and self-talk is filled with Criticism and Contempt.
Criticism is blaming others
Contempt is shaming others
Remove all B.S. from your marriage and family life. Stop accusing others of being totally
responsible for problems that have two or more people involved in them. In a family, no one
person is to blame, but all members must accept their part of the responsibility.
For additional optional information about the Seven Levels of Conflict at
http://tinyurl.com/7LevelsofConflict.
Accept Personal Responsibility

Feelings and behavior are not a direct result of anothers behavior. My feelings are the result of
what the others behavior means to me. If Karen comes home from work and fails to speak to
me, I could respond with anxiety, hurt, and some anger. Or, I could respond with sympathy.
What makes the difference? The difference in my feeling state is directly related to my
perception of what her behavior means.
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If I perceive that Karen is so worn out after work that she needs some peace and quiet before she
will have enough energy to even speak, I will have empathy. However, if I perceive that Karen is
mad and rejecting me, I will feel upset. Note that Karen does not make me feel mad, sad, or glad.
My feelings are actually the result of my own thoughts.
I could say: You make me so mad when you come home from work and dont even say a word.
What is wrong with you? Why are you so cruel to me? This is an illogical statement that gives
my wife power over my thoughts and feelings. In fact, whenever I use a You statement to
describe my feelings, I am giving power to others. Since I do not like to give power over my
thoughts and feelings to others, I try to remember to use I statements. Example: Karen, it
doesnt feel good when you come in the house without speaking. I wonder if I have done
something wrong.
Scale of Reactivity
Perfect Peace ------------------------------------------- High Anxiety/Reactivity
0--1--2--3--4--5--6--7---8--9----10
Family members who overreact emotionally to unimportant events are probably so close to them
that they feel into what they are saying. A strong reaction means that my mind, emotions and
body automatically go into high gear when the person to whom I am connected says something.
Some people have stronger emotional reactions than the activity warrants. My granddaughter
recently went into an angry funk when her brother said he wanted to sit next to me rather than
next to her. She pouted, shouted, and acted very hurt. Her reactivity was very high even though
the event that she reacted to was not a big deal.
If I go into a raging attack when Karen does not speak as soon as she comes home, it is obvious
that I have over reacted. Karens behavior might be at most level two on a ten-point scale, but
my emotional reaction to her was an eight at least.
Responding at the same level of the event indicates more internal peace. I am feeling much less
anxiety. Responding means I have perceived the events realistically and allowed the Holy Spirit
to control my feelings. My mental and emotional faculties correlated closely with reality. I do
not overreact, but respond with emotions that are appropriate to the situation. Not long ago I
overreacted to my wife. She left the computer on overnight, and I became angry and acted badly
toward her. That was my sin. Her mistake was to leave the computer on, but mine was wounding
my wife.
When people are emotionally distant to a person, they do not over react to their behavior. When I
am at peace with myself, I do not give other peoples behavior power over my feelings, no
matter what they say to me. However, when I love and respect another person, I may give them
too much power over my reactions. Every remark can cause me to react.
Reactions: Emotional states that are more intense than the situation warrants.
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Responses: Emotional and behavioral actions in line with the facts.
In both cases we need to interact with I statements rather than You statements because we choose
to feel our feelings. No one else is causing me to feel this way. (Note: My immediate feelings
may be automatic but over time I can change them by renewing my mind according to the
scripture.)
The ABCD Of An Emotion

A = Activating Event
B = Beliefs about the A
C = Consequential Feelings (mad, sad, glad) that arise as a result of my Beliefs
D = Decisive Behavior describes what I decide to do because of the way I feel
Most people say, You make me feel mad or sad or bad when you do those things. In reality I
make myself feel mad when I think that you do not love me. But we are often irrational and
blame others for our feelings. It is our own thoughts, perceptions, and beliefs that control our
feelings.
Belief Systems include:
Perceptions
Self-talk
Memories
Convictions
Values
Thoughts
Our unique perceptions arise from family background. Personality, memories, etc. can cause
miscommunication and misunderstanding. In my family, Mother did all the cooking with a very
small contribution of other female family members. The males did no cooking. If I had told
Mother that I did not want her to cook on a holiday so we could relax, she would have been hurt.
She would have perceived my suggestion to mean that she should change her role. She might
perceive that I was implying she was incapable.
If we perceive that a spouse or church member or boss is Criticizing us or showing us Contempt,
we will have an automatic Reaction of defensiveness. Couples who interact with chronic
misunderstanding of Criticism and Contempt live in a state of continual defensiveness. This can
also lead to emotional flooding.
Chronic defensiveness leads to negative ruminating about that person. This leads to Negative
Self-Talk and a state of perpetual attack, defensiveness, and emotional flooding. My Belief
System becomes filled with audio and video memories that lead to a state of emotional and
physical exhaustion.
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From Possibilities to Pessimism

Even though we give others power over our thoughts and feelings we can change. Those of us
who once believed that we were Helpless Victims to other people and events now realize we can
change. We know change is possible because we have become Victors, not Victims. The slogan
Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional offers hope for healing and growth. People with a
Victim Mentality think that pain inevitably leads to misery, but we know differently.
Some cannot handle pain and deny that it is real. Some religious groups even teach that sickness,
disappointment, and rejection are figments of our imagination. This is not so. Illness and disease
are very real, as are evil people and bad marital partners and crazy kids. Pain is real. On the other
hand, misery is the result of our own mental processes.
Robert Schuller has become famous for Possibility Thinking. I was critical of his approach until
I read the research about mental/emotional/spiritual health. Now, I must eat crow and admit that
he has a lot of good things to say. Schuller agrees with Dr. Martin Seligman, who has researched
and written extensively about the power of the Belief System to produce hope or despair,
pessimism, or possibilities. Dr. Seligman and other Cognitive Therapists have helped me move
from misery to victory. I can also help others. See Power Christian Thinking for an explanation.
I recently developed an acrostic to help assess whether thinking styles lead to pessimism or
optimism. If we perceive events in a pessimistic manner, it leads to misery. However, we can
change and choose life instead.
The APART Acrostic of Pessimistic Thinking
Adversity = Any Activating Event that I perceive as a threat

Pessimism = An attitude/belief system that tends to see the negative aspects of life. The
Pessimistic Belief System can be changed, but takes some work and at least a month of
renewed thinking. The Pessimistic Belief System is filled with Memories, Perceptions,
Self-Talk, and Values of Four Ps.
o Shame
Personal Flaw: I am fatally broken that is the reason for the Adversity
Pervasive: The Flaw is all encompassing in my life
Permanent: The flaw is hopelessly difficult to change
Perfect: I should have no flaws and imperfections
o Blame
Personal Flaw: You are fatally broken and that is the reason for the
Adversity
Pervasive: The flaw affects every part of you
Permanent: The flaw is too much for you to change
Perfect: You should be without weakness
Action: Anguish or Anger Consequential Feelings lead to sadness or attacks and I move
from pain to misery
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Ruminate = My mind chronically replays the Adversity and Ps, leading to increased
Anguish and Misery
Traumatic Thinking = My thinking is black or white and traumatizes me
Conversation between an Elder and Pastor

Elder: I am not sure I liked that sermon, Pastor.
The Pessimist Pastor thinks: This elder said I preach badly. I am a failure. This will never
change and I can never get over it; it is a hopeless situation. What if he recommends that I leave
the church? I better leave the ministry before I am fired.
A Possibility Thinker develops ways to overcome Adversity. He or she is like a Timex Watch
that Takes a licking and keep on ticking.
He says, I wonder why that Elder missed what I was saying. He must have had a bad day. I will
pray for him to understand me better.
Male/Female Relationships
A woman, although weaker in bodily physique than a man, has the power to kill or maim him
with words. Before marriage she controls her man with the promise of sex. After marriage and
sexual satisfaction this approach does not work. She cannot as easily manage and control the
relationship and gets frustrated enough to use emotional language.
He cannot control her with words and tries to do it with acting like a stone wall. He gets over
involved in work. (Religious leaders have a perfect alibi, for it is God that forces them to stay
away from home.) She attacks, and he stonewalls by being absent. This is the most damaging
thing that can happen to a couple and a family.
The man is normally more interested in work, male friends, and sports than he is in her. After
marriage, most men become extremely interested in outside activities while the wife becomes
deeply involved in children and the home. She wants to change that scenario, of course, so she
attacks him for abandoning her and the kids. He withdraws even more into his own world of
work and golf and leaves her to be a mother. She nags, but he gets defensive and he withdraws.
The more she accuses, the more fragile he becomes, and the more he resists her goals. This is a
deadly cycle with both husband and wife driving the problem. It is not her fault or his fault. It is
their fault. The cycle has taken over, and the pattern must be reversed if the marriage is to
survive.
In an act of desperation, she resorts to angry challenges to get his attention. She feels abandoned,
betrayed, and hurt. She thinks he wants only sex and pushes him away, but she too is lonely.
After a short while, he gets weary of fighting her for sex and getting rejected, and she thinks he
is no longer interested in sex. Are you having an affair? she asks. He is stunned but puzzled
that she has forgotten that it was she who stopped being physical. This exacerbates the problem,
and he withdraws faster and more often.
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Thinking that he cannot hear or understand her, she becomes louder, longer, insistent, and more
brutal. Women are normally able to express their feelings more freely, and she can use her ability
to attack her man. The cycle continues as he reacts and withdraws and she shouts ever more
loudly. They are stuck in a dance of death.
A male attacks the woman he loves with withdrawal of attention and affection. He is more
sensitive than she to emotional pain, so these discussions cause him to fear intimacy. Intimacy
means he will get hurt, so he becomes dedicated to work, sports, male friends, and external
activities where he gets affirmation. The guys affirm him, as do his bosses and colleagues. He is
a hero at work but a bum at home.
God created a man to protect a wife and children. Males for the past 10,000 years or so have
been deeply involved in wars, hunting and gathering and physical labor. All develop physical
qualities that reward action and a terrific Fight or Flight Syndrome. Male bodily functions are
designed to make a living or to destroy attackers. Any threat is automatically met with a
physical reaction designed to Fight an enemy or take Flight lest they overcome us.
This causes a tremendous challenge for modern men. The threats of today are rarely physical or
personal but arise from interpersonal conflict with people we love rather than a wild animal or
attacking warrior. It is miscommunication, lack of time together, difficulty with the extended
family, high expectations, and marital and family conflict that lead to the Fight/Flight Syndrome.
In the past times, we men knew what to do if a cougar jumped out of a tree and snarled: either
kill it or climb a tree real fast. But what does he do when his wife attacks his manhood or
threatens his courage? No wonder men like football. We can root for a 250 pound back who hits
a runner as hard as he can. That makes me secretly wish I could hit somebody without going to
jail.
If a male believer of 220 pounds feels threatened by his wife of 100 pounds he is faced with a
terrible dilemma. His body says to fight her or run away. Any man who abhors domestic
violence will resist the Fight mode and Withdraw. It is the only rational response he can take to
protect himself and his wife. But, it sends her the wrong message.
She may see withdrawal is a lack of love and concern when it is really a matter of love and
protection. She is angrier and increases the attempt to get his attention. She says to herself, He
does not hear me, so she gets louder and more aggressive. She calls him names and attacks his
character. This results in even more stonewalling and withdrawing. The cycle continues
indicating to his sweet wife that he is emotionally dead and physically deaf. She gets louder!
In frenzy the man leaves home and retires to the gym or bar to talk to other men. He tells his
buddies what is happening. They are having the same problems and tell him to play more golf or
drink more beer. Nobody understands women. Just leave them alone, is the advice he gets. In
some cases he finds a woman who listens to his tales of woe. Her listening soon turns to passion,
and romance occurs.
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The same things happen in the Christian community, but people go to church rather than to the
bar. Women take classes on making him love you and men study about submission. Neither
works very well. Some, like Jobs friends, give bad advice such as, pray more, repent, submit,
change jobs, or curse God and die. In many cases the enemy will provide a person of the
opposite sex who cares, listens to, and respects him. He does not attack or withdraw. Passion
rises, and love is once again in bloom.
This is not the answer, of course, but it is tempting. Breaking the dysfunctional cycle is the best
approach. Insight, understanding, and a calm head are essential to resolving the cycle, but it is
not easy. A female must understand that her man is sensitive, not deaf. Males must understand
that their wives want the same intimacy like they had before marriage. They do not really want to
castrate him. Both must learn how to change the dance.
What does Scripture Say?

Although my Sunday school teacher warned me to stay away from psychology, I discovered that
Jesus was a great psychologist and a student of the soul. Matthew 5:21-26 describes this soul and
family-damaging process well.
"You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who
murders will be subject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother
will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' is answerable to the
Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell.
This is one of the few times that Jesus warned about hell. He mentions three stages of conflict
and they correlate exactly with Gottmans research.
Angry feelings
Calling a person Raca (stupid)
Character Assassination (fool)
The Conflict Cycle shows how misunderstandings can grow into destructive interactions. It is
consistent with the teachings of Jesus. We all would like to be in a home where contentment and
peace reigns all the time but that is impossible. In fact, such a state would be harmful to us for it
is only when people are discontent that we grow and change. This leads to a Complaint, but
frustration and anger can get out of hand and lead us to attack with Criticism when we do not get
the results we want.
1.
2.
3.
4.
Contentment-Peace (I will keep him in perfect peace)

Complaints-Anger (I do not like the way this is happening)
Criticism-Raca (You are failing in your actions; Blame)
Contempt-Fool (You are a failure in your person; Shame)
Over time when Criticisms fails we may move into Contempt. These are attacks of disrespect
and character assassination. It disrespects us as a man, a woman, a wife, a provider, or a
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Christian. Jesus warns us that Character Assassinations and Disrespect makes us worthy of hell.
Hell is allowing the devil to tear us APART. Thankfully, Jesus does not leave us in hell but leads
us to resolve conflicts.
Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has
something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to
your brother; then come and offer your gift. Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is
taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the
judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell
you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.(Mt. 5:23-25)
Only two forgivers who live out mercy and grace can survive in a marriage. If we have not left
home emotionally and differentiated from them, we will still be stuck to the family emotionally.
When that happens, even small changes can seem like emotional mountains, and we get
defensive toward the ones we love. This leads to being reactive, blaming, and shaming because
we cannot face our own issues.
As James 5:16 says, Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another that you may be
healed. This requires self-awareness and self-responsibility rather than blaming and shaming. A
couple that interacts and overreacts with Criticism and Contempt that leads to a dance of Fight
and Flight cannot be healed without mutual confession, repentance, and forgiveness.
A chronic lack of forgiveness and inner vows inevitably lead to a Root of Bitterness. This
becomes Criticism, Contempt, Continual Defensiveness, Emotional Flooding, and Divorce, legal
or emotional. Anger is not fatal, but a root of bitterness produces multiple generations of bitter
fruit in children and grandchildren. The Holy Spirit inspired scripture offers us a better way.
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that
is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament,
grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all
members of one body. "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you bitter
and do not give the devil a foothold.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building
others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the
Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all
bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and
compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Eph.
4:29-32)
Complaints can be useful to a family or church if we handle them well. They can lead to better
relationships. However, we need to get conflicts straightened out before they grow into
Bitterness that leads inevitably to Criticism and Contempt.
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Once that happens it is difficult to change and often requires a well-trained couples counselor or
church consultant to serve as an objective third person.
Cycle of Conflict with Scripture

Level of Interpersonal Interaction
Resulting Personal State
1. Contented: At peace with others
1. Relaxed. Thinking and feeling calm Male

heart rate: 72 Female: 80
Jesus brings a new teaching about caring in
addition to physical relationships. This is
critically important in family life.
You have heard that it was said to the

people long ago, 'Do not murder, and
anyone who murders will be subject to
judgment. But I tell you that
2. Complaint: A specific behavioral
statement. Healthy "I" statements (I
want, I think, I don't like. May have some
anger but is handled well.
anyone who is angry with his brother
will be subject to judgment. (Attack or
Attend?)
3. Criticism: A vague blaming. "You"
statements. Focus on person not
behavior. A flaw in person. Global
statements. Somewhat attacking.
Anyone who says to his brother, Raca is
answerable to the Sanhedrin.
4. Contempt: Personal insult, shame
mocking, character attacks. Opposite of
admiration and respect.
One who says, 'You fool!' will be in
danger of the hell fire. Mt 5:21-22
5. Consuming defenses: Immediately
reject all communication. All-out Attack
6. Crushing physical response. Acts out
by withdrawal or aggressively pursuing
the other. Miscommunicatemisunderstand
7. Complete Isolation: withdrawal.
a. Problems impossible to solve
b. Talking is useless
c. Hopeless
d. Overwhelmed
2. Slight anxiety & fear. Increased heart

rate-BPM & breathing muscles tense. Minor
Fight/Flight
Be careful about anger, bitterness and rage.
It is not always a sin but it must be handled
carefully. Judge ourselves or we shall be
judged
3. Raised anxiety and fear. Raised blood
pressure, increased BPM& breathing rate,
muscles tighten, eyes dilate, reduced
digestion, elevated blood sugar, etc.
Increase in Flight/Fight
Raca is calling a brother or sister stupid
or a failure. (*Note Bitter Root below)
4. High anxiety and stress. Feel heart beat.
Shallow breathing fight/flight response
hyper vigilant, brain freezes Reactive
Character attacks cause severe emotional
wounds.
5. Severe emotional & physical anxiety.
Cant think. Feelings rule. Fight/Flight.
Shake and Tremble
6. Emotional flooding - A chronic hyper
vigilance and hypersensitive self-talk along
with emotional pain, reactivity, bitterness,
mental freezing, rage, bruises.
7. Too painful to interact with rational
discourse. Filled with constant thoughts of
attack and condemnation. Must either stay
away from the person or fight them with
bitterness. They may come for counsel.
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Chapter 7 Is My Family Like A Furnace or a

Wood Stove?
Several years ago I received an early morning emergency call from a woman who rented one of
our apartments near the University of Cincinnati. It was, she said, freezing cold. The furnace
would not work and she was upset. She insisted that I immediately come down and fix the
problem. Dragging my body out of a warm bed to work on a furnace was about the last thing I
wanted to do, but I had no choice. Off I went to Clifton.
I drove hurriedly down the ten miles to U.C., complaining all the way. After examining the
furnace, checking the wires, the gas line and the pilot light, I found nothing wrong. Every major
part was working, but the furnace would not fire. I walked up three flights of stairs to be greeted
at the door by my renter dressed in a heavy sweater and a scarf.
I was also greeted with a blast of air so hot that I immediately started to perspire. She had lit the
gas burners of the stove as well as its oven. The kitchen was filled with the smell of burning gas
fumes. The living room, though, was a cool 65 degrees.
After a short investigation in the midst of verbal jousts and
noisy kids, I discovered the problem. It was not a faulty
furnace but a faulty tenant. Valerie did not understand how
the heating system worked. The thermostat was located in the
kitchen, which was 92 degrees Fahrenheit. The thermostats
limit was 90, which meant that it would not tell the furnace to
fire up. Every individual part worked, but the system was
blocked.
Valerie was reared in a country home heated by a coal stove.
In that system, a hotter fire in the stove meant that more
warmth would fill the rooms. She was now in an apartment
heated with a furnace that operated on a thermostat. If the
room where the thermostat was located was warm, the
furnace shut down. By heating the kitchen, Valerie stopped
the furnace from running.
I had a difficult time convincing her that the furnace was not broken. She thought it operated like
a stove. It was she who had shut it down by raising the temperature so high that the thermostat
put the furnace on hold. The thermostat was over the cooking stove. To make things worse, the
heat generated by the gas stove in the kitchen did not reach the other rooms. Had Valerie been
heating with a coal stove, her approach would have been a success. Coal stoves operate in a
linear or individualistic manner. The more coal you put in the stove, the bigger the fire and the
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more heat that comes out to warm the rooms. Additional warmth from a heater in another room
will not affect the coal stove.
Modern furnaces work on a very different model. They are in a system designed to regulate the
heating and cooling by setting a thermostat. To turn the heat up or down, I do not touch the
furnace directly. All I do is move the thermostat and it will sense the level of warmth or
coolness in the room and either turn the fire on or off in the basement electrically. The circuit or
system is designed to keep each room moderately warm. Do families operate like a gas furnace
with a thermostat or a wood stove? Does helping a member of the family change come from
stoking a fire inside the troubled person, or should we look for how the system works and reset
the thermostat? Or, is it both? If the temperature of a member goes up, will it impact the whole
family? If family closeness changes, will it impact all individuals within that system?
Most American psychology and thereby the counseling methods it produces, is based on the
notion that family problems, concerns, and issues operate like a coal stove. If a child is acting up,
we need to heat him up or cool him down. We need a direct intervention such as a threat, a time
out, or medicine to directly change him.
Understanding Family Behavior

Linear/Individualistic Thinking There is a direct cause and effect relationship between the
actor and the one acted upon. A can make B change the way A wants him to change. The
problems or successes of a child are a direct result of a parents good or bad parenting. It is a
linear causality. For example, angry words will bruise the childs ego and cause low self-esteem.
A
B Direct Linear Changes in C
In the above formula, A stands for the father, B for the son, and C as the sons behavior that is a
direct result of the father-son interaction. We might hear a person say, Just look at that boy. He
is exactly like his father. Parenting is seen as predictable as kicking a soccer ball. It is a linear
action and reaction. However, the play of a whole soccer team is systemic. When the ball is
kicked in any direction, a good team responds as a whole by changing positions and playing as a
unit. This belief is firmly ensconced within the American psyche. This poem, especially the last
four lines, affirms that point of view.
Invictus
By William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
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Under the bludgeoning of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
Multiple Causes Another view of the cause-effect philosophy indicates that people are
influenced by multiple factors but still in a linear fashion. The childs personality, behavior, and
preferences are the result of several influences not just the father's acts.
A
B
D=E
Multi Causal Changes
C
In this model we do not assume that only one person or event is influencing the behavior of the
child. Rather, we would suggest that several factors, A, B, and C, are influencing the son, D, and
cause E to happen. A neighbor may say, Just look at that boy. He is doing poorly in school
because his parents and family do not make him study and he has gotten in with the wrong
crowd. It looks at behavior as a combination of individualistic/linear events.
Systemic causality says cause and effect is circular because the family is a closely
interconnected emotional system. The furnace was impacted by the heat of the gas stove in the
kitchen three stories above it. The heat of the stove lowered the flame in the furnace through the
thermostat. The furnace was controlled by factors external to its machinery. A thermostat keeps
the system from getting too hot or too cold by receiving feedback from the room temperature.
The best way to understand what we mean by the family is an emotional unit is to think of the
family as a flock of birds, which all swoop and dive at exactly the same moment without any
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external prodding. Some kind of inner radar or sixth sense from within the flock operates to keep
all of them flying in perfect harmony. I do not remember ever seeing even one bird swooping up
when everybody else is diving.
I do not know how they know, but it seems as though they are mystically connected to each other
and that is how we operate as a family. Some mysterious emotional bond keeps us in touch with
each other and tugs us toward the same patterns, even when we vow never to fall into that pattern
again. According to Bowen theorists, the thing that keeps us operating together is anxiety, which
runs like electricity through a family system at an unconscious level. When we become
conscious of anxiety, we call it feelings.
Each family seems to have developed its own unconscious electrical system like a flock of birds.
If there are two flocks flying side by side and one dives because of a seeming threat, the other
may simply observe and go on its way unperturbed because it operates on a different system.
Too much anxiety in a family system has negative effects on its members and the family unit.
Much of this book deals with the result of overanxious systems and how we think we can reduce
it and move toward peace.
What Did Moses Think

Moses and other biblical writers seem to indicate that family systems operate like a furnace with
a thermostat, not a coal stove. What did he know that others missed? The Bible indicates that a
change in any members behavior over time affects every other member. Feedback is
automatically sent from one persons thermostat to another. It is like sending an instant message
letting others know what they should do in reaction to the actions of their mom, dad, or sibling.
Patterns of family life from generation to generation become habits that automatically send
spiritual, emotional, relational, and physical messages to everyone else in the system, letting
them know what they are expected to do. If the
family temperature gets too hot the assigned
peacemaker will do something to cool things off
and if it gets too cool and distant the agitator
will warm it up by acting out. There is a certain
type of balance in a family, which, like birds,
everyone intuitively knows what to do in
reaction to the emotional flow in its members.
Balance in this sense is not a good or bad term.
It means that everyone knows what to expect
and will react in a predictable manner. However, if the hothead comes to church, gets converted
and healed and learns to change her overbearing actions, it will disturb the whole family system
at home. It is like a mobile that is balanced until one of the parts falls off and the entire system
must rearrange itself.
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An unbalanced system causes anxiety, fear, and a desire to return back to the old ways of doing
things. This is one of the reasons there is so much pressure on a spiritually growing person to
change back to her old dysfunctional ways. The message is, Stop rocking the boat. Go back to
being a hothead because we can blame you for being the cause of our family troubles. By
getting better, the former hothead is seen to be causing the family to get upset when she is
becoming peaceful. When God brings positive changes in a persons life, the family will get
worse before they get better.
A Negro spiritual says it well: The hip bones connected to the, thigh bone, the thigh bones
connected to the, back bone, the back bones connected to the, This song comes from the
biblical image of a community and notes that any event that influences one member of a family
impacts every member. The human body, soccer teams, and furnaces operate as an
interconnected system. So do families, committees, businesses, and churches. Since we are all
affected and connected, it might be helpful to learn how the thermostat works.
Families are kept in a healthy or unhealthy balance by thermostats with emotional feedback
lines. The thermostats consist of traditions, beliefs, values, patterns, and habits. Some members
of a family know how to cool themselves and the system down as soon as there is a sign of
conflict. Others seem to enjoy a good fight with lots of yelling, so the feedback lines run in the
opposite direction. When one member of the family system changes a pattern of initiation or
reaction, every other member will feel the change in the emotional climate and get
uncomfortable.
The more sensitive one is to emotional feedback- the greater will be his reaction. The stronger
the reaction, the harder he attempts to return the system to its former familiar balance. This is
the reason members do not immediately alter their behavior when the preacher tells them to
change. Even if one is motivated to please God and the preacher, it can cost too much
emotionally to comply. Family and church members may punish him for getting better.
Remember Peters resistance to eating the food that God placed in front of him? (Acts 10:9-16)
A lunatic who prowls the streets naked all day does not feel
ashamed of his nakedness; but the shame automatically goes to his
close relatives and associates. Dr. Edem Enian, Nigeria
We can guarantee that a Seeker can impact his family system by changing himself. However, we
cannot guarantee exactly how it will change. If I repent of my rebellious behavior in hopes it
will make my family system healthier and conflict free, it might not work. A sibling may slip
into the vacated position, and the system continues on as before. Many times after a person
comes to Christ and stops drinking, someone else in the family takes his place. A teetotaler who
has never tasted alcohol may start to drink or a non-smoker has an urge for tobacco. To prevent
this system switch back or the relapse of the former addict, we urge family members of addicts to
prepare for anxiety and a desire to fill the vacuum. A co-dependent family member may need to
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find another problem to solve or person to rescue. They may not be able to stand not being a
caretaker. The drive to rescue can be as strong as the addicts need for drugs.
In Russia, our ministry partners require all persons desiring personal ministry to first go through
a one year 12 Step Group. They choose either to work on issues of dependency or over
functioning we call co-dependency. If a Seeker is dependent on alcohol or drugs and wants to
get sober we invite them to take part in our specialized group for dependents. However, we also
strongly urge family members to enter treatment to learn how to affirm and reward positive
change. Far too often, the addicts begin to change, but the spouse, parent, or sibling turns against
them in a Change Back Reaction. It is very difficult to recover if the family and friends do not
support him.
Imagine this scenario. An oldest sister has always been very close with Mother and Dad. She
maintained emotional closeness by being a caregiver who was always available to help them
with any problem. However, she and her husband were in chronic conflict. He complained that
she was not available to do as much for him and the children as she did for her parents. This put
her into a double bind. On the one hand she wanted to support mom and dad, but on the other,
she knew her children were her first priority. How could she find a solution?
People can be very creative in getting out of double binds. The solutions are not always stress
free, but they work for a while. One day Big Sister came home and discovered that her daughter
was pregnant. She was devastated, embarrassed, and ashamed. She blamed her husband for
working so much and skipping church. She called Pastor Petersen and demanded to meet with
him. Pastor Petersen had been in our training and learned that family systems are like a furnace.
He observed how the couple was handling this crisis. It was apparent that they disagreed on
what to do and blamed and shamed each other instead. The pastor suggested that they find a
family therapist who could coach them through the crisis.
He referred them to Dr. James, who listened to them pour out their feelings and conflicts. He
saw that Mother was over-functioning with her parents and her kids. This left Dad with all the
non-relational aspects of life. He stayed on the sidelines emotionally. That was the way he was
reared, so being emotionally involved with his kids was too taxing.
Mom complained bitterly about his emotional and spiritual absence from the family. She made
certain that Dr. James knew that the daughters pregnancy was his fault. In her mind, he failed to
be the spiritual leader of the home, so Satan came in and attacked the kids. Mom said, I have
begged Dad to get involved with the kids and church, but he always refuses. Now this is the
result.
As Dr. James listened to them and as they described the familys emotional relationships, it was
obvious that there was no emotional room for Dad to be involved with the kids. Every time he
tried to help, she criticized him for being harsh, uncaring, and insensitive. This hurt Dad but
relieved him as well. He was a success at work and was affirmed as a great engineer, but he was
rebuffed at home and treated like an idiot. The result was anger at her mixed with relief that he
did not have to get deeply involved. This dance pattern was the feedback mechanism that turned
the relational thermostat off and on no matter what was being said. Actions do indeed speak
louder than words.
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Mom and Dad learned to be more direct and honest in their communication with each other and
the kids. They stopped blaming and shaming and decided to act as a team. Mom learned to allow
her parents to take more responsibility for their own lives. She stopped rescuing them when they
complained, and that gave her more emotional time for her husband. She learned about the ways
she was placing him in a no-win double bind and stopped her behavior.
Dad learned to stop over-functioning at work and spend more time with his wife and family. He
delegated at work and started doing more fun things with the children. He also volunteered to
help his in-laws when they asked his wife for assistance. They resisted the change and
complained that she was not the loving, Christian daughter that she had been in the past. (The
family balance had been upset by these changes.)
Moms younger sister, who had been unavailable to help her parents, suddenly started showing
up and providing the assistance formerly offered by big sister. She lectured her big sister about
letting their parents down and failing to do her duty. The former prodigal daughter now quoted
scripture about the Golden Rule, Honoring Parents and serving others. Mom had panic attacks
and felt guilty about being a slacker. She asked Dr. James for medicine to calm her down, but he
suggested that she renew her mind about the situation and delegate her anxiety to God.
Moms family of origin did not alter the ways they interacted as a system. The parents tried to
suck her back into rescuing them, but she refused. They turned to the younger sister, who had
complained for years that her parents loved big sister best and now finally felt loved by them and
superior to big sister. Little sister stepped into the system and carried on the role of overfunctioning that big sister had formerly filled. Now that she was no longer the Hero in her
family of origin, big sister was able to do a much better job of relating healthily to her husband
and kids.
Larger Extended Systems

Churches and businesses also work in similar ways. A new president or pastor arrives with big
plans for change, but the system stays the same. If the new leader attempts to bring change too
quickly or unwisely, he will be rejected. The body of the organization, like the human body, will
reject a transplanted organ.
We cannot bring change to a system without joining it. It takes emotional and spiritual energy to
bring changes. However, if a leader becomes too much a part of the system, it will change him.
He will lose his enthusiasm, and the system with still be stuck. It requires a delicate balance of
authority, power, and wisdom to be connected but differentiated at the same time. This is why
we all need a coach.
When coaching a person about taking a new leadership position, I try to assist them in the
transition. They may draw a genealogy of the churchs history that includes past leaders, major
nodal events, crises and times of growth. If five pastors died in office or had a moral crisis, ask
why. The system may be so toxic that almost any leader will die in office.
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Linear thinking emphasizes analytical or separated thinking while systems thinking points to
synergy and togetherness. An auto mechanic with analytical thinking will take the vehicle apart
and look at each component to find what is wrong. Systems thinkers will want to see how the car
works as a whole. Medical treatment in the past was analytical, but it is becoming more systemic
because we learned that all parts are interconnected. Medicine today must assess how all the
parts of the person interrelate and not just examine the organ where the pain is located.
Several years ago, pro golfer Jose Olazabol was unable to compete. The pain in his feet made
walking impossible. Some doctors thought he had arthritis and indicated that he may never play
golf again. However, a German physician saw Olazabal on TV and thought the problem was not
in his feet but in his back. Olazabol went to his clinic, and a pinched nerve was discovered. After
appropriate treatment of his back, Olazabol was able to play golf again and won the Masters in
1999. Back problems can also be foot problems.
Think about a family of acrobats and high wire artists. They form a pyramid on the rope or floor.
Everyone one has a role and proper placement of their feet, shoulders, and hands. If one person
changes the placement, the pyramid may come apart, and all family members are in danger of
falling. It does not take much to change the balance of the rest of the family and cause them to be
anxious.
I have learned that I am much happier when I am miserable

and my wife is happy, than when I am happy and my wife is
miserable. Ryrs
Visualize a series of interconnecting gears that whirl one way-clockwise. When one gear
(person) starts to change and move the other direction, counter-clockwise, the chain of gears
locks up. So when an alcoholic goes to treatment, it is important for family members to join her
so that the family can begin to learn to whirl in the same directions.
All families tend to maintain homeostasis or balance, and this is affected when internal or
external changes occur to challenge this homeostatic state.
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Chapter 8 Family Roles and Relationships

It is an amazing fact of life that there are certain people in our families and work places whom
we allow to push our buttons. One group is constantly doing things that make us mad, sad, or
frustrated. We want to fight them or take flight to keep from having a fight. Another group
makes us react in an opposite manner. They seem fragile and helpless, and it makes me want to
rescue them or to protect them from other people. The way they look and sound is irresistible to
my mercy side, and I chronically find myself trying to care for them. I simply cannot resist the
temptation to rescue.
Perhaps the most surprising group of all is made up of people with whom I get along quite well
and whom I have no problems trying to rescue. I can have a good debate but keep cool and
listen. I can hear their woes yet remain calm. Their requests for loans of a few thousand dollars
do not move me to write a check and bail them out. I am at peace when they are anxious.
Some people suggest that it isn't these other people that are making me feel so strongly or react
so automatically. They say that I need to first look at the log in my own eye before I find the
fault in others. I don't think that is very realistic. It must be their problem and not mine. At least
I hope so. It couldnt be my problem, could it? (The following exercise will help us decide
whether it is them or me.)
Exercise 1
On a scale of 1-10, where 1.0 is peaceful and non-reactive and 10 is the extreme in anxious
reactivity, place yourself according to the way you respond or react to the persons listed.
I. Fight or Flight: The ways I react with persons to either fight their ideas or find a way to
take flight away from them and their ideas.
A. Little or no emotional reactivity. This is a 1-3 on the scale. Think of someone you can have a
good, deep discussion with and stay "unhooked." There are rarely sparks or deep emotions and
you can have a calm dialogue about almost any topic.
Person 1
Person 2
B. Some reactivity, but I do not automatically want to fight or run. This is a 4-6 on the scale. It
may be a person with whom I have occasional fights or flights with occasional anxious blow-ups
mixed with times of calmness and peace. It can be a relationship that varies in intensity.
Person 1
Person 2
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C. Major reactivity that is chronic and fairly constant. This is a 7-10 on the scale and describes
an "oil and water" person with whom I conflict on a consistent basis. When I think of the person
I get emotional. My heart beats faster and I want to either run away or tell him/her what I think
in no uncertain terms. I just cannot stand being with them.
Person 1
Person 2
II. Protect or Rescue. The way I react to others who are in need of assistance.
A. Little or no Emotional Reactivity toward protecting a person. This is a 1-3 on the scale. I can
interact with these people with little or no desire to protect or to rescue them. I can discuss their
problems, concerns, anxieties and needs without reacting to save them. I can rationally think
about and respond to their needs appropriately.
Person 1
Person 2
B. Some Reactivity of protecting. This is a 4-6 on the scale. I feel "sorry for the person, want to
please them, am concerned about their needs, wants and views, and want to conform to them. I
often think about the persons and worry about them. I can't discuss their emotional issues,
problems, or concerns without feeling their feelings and worrying.
Person 1
Person 2
C. Major Reactivity to rescue and protect. This is a 7-10 on the scale. It means that I
compulsively think and worry about the person and their needs, weaknesses, fears, or problems.
I may even be able to read their minds and feel their feelings at almost the same level they feel
them--or even more intensely.
Person 1
Person 2
Anxiety and Family Roles

One of the most important concepts in family systems theory has to do with the debilitating role
of chronic anxiety in causing us to be dysfunctionally reactive. Acute anxiety is appropriate
because it comes from threatening situations. Fight/Flight/Freeze reactions are built into the
brain as a way to protect ourselves from harm, but chronic anxiety is absorbed into our brains
and bodies from the world we live in. None of us grew up in a home completely free from
chronic anxiety. Even if we did, we would not be free from it because it is a primary result of our
Fallen Nature. Anxiety and habitual practices conspire together in such a way that each of us
tends to get stuck in a consistent role in our family of origin. Family life is similar to a dance in
which each of us hears the music of past practices and relational expectations that we tend to
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instinctively dance to like a familiar tune. We often unconsciously fall into prescribed roles and
relationships.
Habitual practices are hard to break. I am typing this on Windows Seven after using a Macintosh
system for about ten years. Just now I tried to perform, a Mac function on Windows. Needless to
say, it did not work. But old habits are hard to break.
It isnt that we cant change these roles. We can and do change in other circumstances and
settings where the music of the system is different. At school, I played a different role than I did
at home. The way my parents described my behavior shocked my teachers and vice versa.
However, changing our role with the people closest to us emotionally is something we usually
dont consider. It is an unthinkable thought unless we are in counseling or taking a class like this.
We do not think about changing a behavior that is as natural as breathing. We simply breathe the
way we have always breathed. We have always danced in that manner when we hear certain
music. Learning a new step is not an option. Then, in a class or during counseling, we learn
something new. We may see that some ways we act are harmful. Now what do we do? How do
we go about making changes in a role?
You have probably heard this definition: Insanity is doing the same old things the same old ways
and expecting different results. Yet, most of us go through life doing exactly that. We try to
change outcomes without changing our patterns/roles. We do the same old things the same old
ways and cannot understand why things do not change. This leads to saying, The more we do
what weve always done, the more we get what we always got.
The more anxious or reactive we are as a family the more we tend to become unthinkably stuck
in a certain pattern or role. The deeper the rut into which we are stuck, the greater the difficulty
of bringing change. It is popular among recovery workers to talk about the roles played by
members of an addicts family. A more realistic view reveals that all families produce
complementary roles in its members. The roles of addicted or other dysfunctional families may
be more entrenched, but they are not unique. All of us tend to get stuck in repetitive patterns that
are hard to change.
Our family of origin produces in us not only deeply engrained habit patterns, but also a whole
lifestyle of interacting habits and reinforcing behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. One neat thing
about systems thinking is its ability to partially explain how and why a lifestyle is so hard to
alter. It also gives us insights into the music we have danced to all our lives and some innovative
ways to change the music, face the music, or change your dance steps. It may also help us decide
to stop dancing all together.
One way to find out about the level of our habitual reactivity is to use the following scale to plot
the pattern of each family member. Think about the ways you reacted or responded to the
members of your family of origin as you were growing up. Did you consistently act in a certain,
predictable manner? Could your parents and siblings tell stories about your predictable patterns?
Did the family even give you a nickname, which describes that pattern/role in the family? Did a
role become more vivid under stressful conditions? Did it change from home to school or from
home to the extended family? Are you still tempted to play that role under stressful conditions?
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In order to more concretely think about family roles, I have come up with a simple assessment
tool that consists of two intersecting lines or axes. The Vertical Axis helps us assess the ways we
habitually responded/reacted to authority, and the Horizontal Axis indicates our
response/reaction to the energy level we showed in our family relationships.
Authority Axis
Acts to Please
Authority
Energizes
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
Relationship-Energy Axis
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
1
2
De-energizes
3
4
5
6
7
8
Acts to Provoke Authority
9
10
Scaling the Vertical Axis

Those of us who habitually responded to parents by acting pleasantly are on the positive side of
the Pleaser Line. The higher one rates him/herself as a Pleaser, the more likely it is that he/she is
stuck in that designation and would not think about challenging a parent. If a level five is
normal anxiety with a normal level of reactivity, then the numbers above five mean that we were
more anxious than the average person in trying to please our parents. A person who rates himself
between zero and five would consistently act in ways that would be pleasing to parents.
However, they would not always slavishly agree with the parents ideas and values, even if they
never openly disagreed with them.
There are some family members who, because of birth order, patterns of relationships, or other
factors, tend to react to parents as a Provoker. The higher one perceives self to be on the
Provoker Axis. The more likely he is to be stuck in that role even if the parents do not act in a
parental manner. Some children feel strongly that their parents are wrong or foolish but never
speak their concerns openly. They would be a quiet Provoker, but still over on the Provoker side
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of the scale. Others may disagree slightly with parents or family, but it doesnt seem to bother
them very much (from 3 to 5) and they are only slightly in the Provoker category.
Horizontal Axis
The scale from 0 to 10 works exactly the same as on the other axis. The scale is designed to
indicate the way we use our energy to relate to others. Some are reactive but quiet about it. They
keep their ideas to themselves even when they have resistance on the inside when an authority
demands submission. On the other side are the people who wear their feelings on their sleeves
and let everyone know exactly what is happening inside.
Do I react with an automatic desire to hide my true thoughts and feelings from parents or a boss?
If so, I could be considered to be a Hider. An automatic outward reaction of energetic
defensiveness is the opposite and its extreme form on the left side is called a Hyper Role. Some
of us are so reactive and extraverted that we relate to authorities like a fast forward film. At the
other extreme is the Hider, who withdraws from almost any interaction when there is conflict,
stress or anxiety.
The top left part of the quadrant brings together the need to be outwardly Energetic with the need
to Please. If we are high on these two scales, we are a person who actively and consistently seeks
to be a Hero who over-functions for those whom they see as under-functioning. It denotes the
classic Rescuer/Victim interaction that has existed throughout history. Although this may appear
to be a good thing and some pastors urge it upon their people, it is not biblical. It is an
unbalanced style that leads to serious problems in both the Hero/Rescuer and the underfunctioning/Victim.
Those on the top right of the quadrant are Quiet Pleasers who really want to be in harmony with
people in authority, but do not get overly involved with leading their projects. Energetic Pleasers
will noisily request to help a teacher, while their Quiet siblings would simply hope that a teacher
will call upon them to answer a question. The Hyper Pleaser would pick up an eraser and start
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cleaning the chalkboard without being asked. The Quiet ones would sit with doleful eyes
desperately hoping for a teachers attention but refusing to demand it.
Pleasers are actively sought to be leaders in the church. They are the 20% who carry the 80% of
the congregation. Pastors are usually Active Pleasers who have been pushed into this role. They
may fit into it naturally as young men and women but eventually run out of energy, burn out or,
collapse from overwork. Pastors who aggressively pursue the Hero Role must find Victims to
Rescue and crises to calm. As one commentator said, If there is no crisis to solve, he will invent
one.
The bottom left group will fall either into the Hyper Rebel or the Outspoken Provoker Role. The
Rebel leads marches against government injustice and writes the articles challenging school
policies. The quieter group on the other side will have similar thoughts and feelings and may
even join the march, but they will not organize it or lead it. Rebels are the focus of evangelism in
the church because they seem to be the primary prodigals who need Jesus.
People whose reactions place them on the bottom right tend to be upset with authority, but do
little to indicate their displeasure outwardly. Some will speak up in a group where there is a lot
of trust, but even then, their openness causes personal anxiety, and they react by buttoning up.
Sometimes they act in a passive-aggressive manner by getting sick, procrastinating on projects,
or forgetting to complete a project. All of these are things that quietly sabotage the authority
structure.
Hyper Hero Leaders Love To Rescue Perceived Victims Of Rebellious

Provokers
These Roles are not arising from the Myers-Briggs Temperament Types of Extraversion and
Introversion. Instead, they are a Reaction to chronic anxiety. These roles are attempts to manage
the anxiety in their family system. A woman that was a natural Introvert on the Myers-Briggs
told me how she had developed the Hero Role to cope with the dysfunction of her family. During
chaotic meals, she would stand on a chair and talk as loudly as possible to get attention and
manage her anxiety and the anxiety of her family. Her brother reacted in a totally different
manner. He took a plate of food to his room and ate in the closet to reduce his anxiety She
developed into a raging Hero and he developed into a recluse.
Exercise 2
As you think about your family of origin, ponder these ideas.
What Role was most comfortable for your Father? For your Mother? For you?
Who was least reactive / predictable in your family?
Who was most reactive / predictable in his/her Role?
What would your father say was your preferred Role?
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Was your family high on worry and anxiety? Was there a great deal of generalized fear?
Did you play the same role at school as you did at home?
When are you most tempted to return to the old Role?
Personal Reflections
I have developed several of these ideas and scales as a result of teaching and counseling
experiences. As a child I was involved in trying to solve a complex problem in the way my
family of origin related with the extended family. The way we handled chronic anxiety of this
situation marked me for life. It has had a dramatic impact on my personal and professional life
and shows the transmission of emotions from generation to generation.
Sweeten Family from 1945-1952
Ray Taylor-ill
Nancy
Taylor
Gary
T.J. Sweeten
Leota Taylor Sweeten

Maurice
Upon the birth of my younger brother, I moved next door to care for Grandfather Taylor. I
received great affirmation for being a Hero, so I compulsively over-functioned as a Christian. At
home with my parents and siblings, I was a Rebel. At school, I was a Pleaser who counseled
teachers and other students. The anxiety I absorbed in the Over-Functioning Role at home
pushed me to adopt other roles at church and school.
Taylor Family
Sweeten Family
Gary
High and Low Anxiety

Low levels of family anxiety will produce members who are more flexible. They do not react,
but respond to people and situations in an appropriate and calm manner. They can move from
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one side of the scale to the other because various situations call for a variety of responses. When
quiet thoughtfulness is appropriate they are contemplative. However, when a dramatic
intervention is needed, they are able to respond. Peaceful persons are free to choose an
appropriate action regardless of the stress level of the people around them. The chronic anxiety
level of a work, church or family system does not determine a peaceful persons role. In fact,
they tend to bring peace into reactive systems.
The primary model for peaceful behavior is Jesus. He was not controlled by the chronic anxiety
and anger of the people or the culture. He was able to be both gentle and confrontational
according to the need at hand. He often challenged authorities and systems, but it was certainly
not His only mode of operation. Had Jesus been stuck in a Provoker Role, He would have always
confronted authorities even if it were unwise. He prudently and calmly taught the Jews to Turn
the other cheek with the occupying Roman army. (Matthew 5:39)
Sometimes Jesus gently accepted and nurtured sinners. However, He also challenged and
confronted people with their sins. He was not predictable according to Role, nor did He follow a
formula. He was able to respond with wisdom, insight, and awareness of a good goal. He did not
react because He had no inner turmoil and anxiety. He was the epitome of perfect peace.
Jesus prepared His followers in Matthew 10:16 to interact with non-believers by telling them to
be as wise as serpents and as gentle as doves. The word used here for wise can also be translated
as shrewd and means to be prudent in regulating your emotions, relationships and
conversations. To be imprudent is to be mentally and emotionally unaware of how we are
affecting others. Witnessing to outsiders requires peaceful caring that will allow us to speak to
heads and hearts.
It is especially important for us to grow in both wisdom and gentleness when it comes to family
relationships. The fruit of the Holy Spirit is the greatest asset we have to build family health and
functioning. Paul makes this clear when he teaches us about family life, especially in the books
of Ephesians and Colossians.
It is not our goal to try to teach Christians how to play a specific Role. To the contrary, we hope
to help each of you become peaceful enough to follow the model of Jesus and relate with
appropriate behavior rather than a formula. It is my goal to help believers move toward Peace in
Jesus. One of His last promises in John 14:27 was peace.
Peace I give you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled,
nor let it be afraid.
When we abide in Jesus we have more peace than when living on our own ideas. When we have
peace we respond with the fruit of the Holy Spirit. When we relate with the Holy Spirit and walk
in His ways we are not concerned about playing a certain defined role. Many young Christians
are anxious about the roles they should play at home and work and in church, sports, and
friendships. They ask, Should I always serve? or How do I act as the head of the house?
Should I always be in charge?
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Those who are educated about spiritual warfare may take on the role of a Warrior Hero. They
talk warfare, walk on warfare marches, and pray warfare prayers. They are stuck in an out-ofbalance reaction that keeps them in a certain role.
Scripture is clear about the need for balance between love and truth, rest and action, challenge
and submission. In fact, the Apostle Paul, who was an angry challenger before he came to Christ,
wrote about the need for balance that comes from peace. In the first letter to Timothy, he gave
instructions about church leaders. (I Tim 3:2)
The overseer must be above reproach, the husband of only one wife, temperate, prudent,
respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not addicted to wine or pugnacious but gentle, not
contentious, free from the love of money.
Pastors need the following qualities:
Temperance. Not given to anger or anxiety.

Prudence. Balanced in thinking and feeling. Under emotional control.
Not an alcoholic or compulsive drinker.
Not pugnacious but gentle. Not fond of arguments but open to others ideas.
In the next few passages we get an idea about what characteristics St. Paul wants to see in the
family of a leader.
One who leads his family well with his children showing dignity and self-control. If a
man cannot lead his family how can he lead the family of God?
My paraphrase of this verse:
An elder must be the kind of person who has proven himself by leading his own family
well. The proof of this will be his children. If they act with maturity and dignity toward
others it is a good sign that he has reared them well and that he has the ability to also
lead the church family. (GRS paraphrase)
The word used in the Greek text and translated as dignity or maturity is semnotes. It is described
by the Greek-Hebrew Key Study Bible as decency, from semnos. Aristotle defined it as the
average or the virtue that lies between two extremes. On the one extreme is authadeia, which is
related to authades, arrogance, and the desire to please nobody. The other extreme is areskeia
that means the desire to please everybody no matter what the issue or ethic. The term semnotes
then balances the extremes of endeavoring to please nobody regardless of the consequences and
the intention at all costs to please everybody. Such a stance is essential in carrying out ones
duties as a citizen. It is the essence of integrity and character.
The following chart illustrates the kind of balance that Paul is seeking.
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Self Reflected
Truth Teller
Self Respected
Truth in Love
authadeia
Deny Others
Rights.
Reactive
semnotes
Balanced
Rights.
Responsive
Self Rejected
Love Giver
areskeia
Deny
My rights.
Reactive
St. Paul put great store in the importance of a leaders emotional and relational maturity. To him
it is an indication of his personal differentiation. What level of personal maturity is required for
one to rear children who live and relate with semnotes? Would any of us qualify today? For a
family to produce such mature children would require parents who live in harmony with each
other, their parents, and their children. Peace and/or anxiety are equally intergenerational.
Parents who desire to produce mature, peaceful children with dignity need to prayerfully seek
peace in past, present and future family relationships.
My father used to say to me, 'Whenever you get into a

jam, whenever you get into a crisis or an emergency
become the calmest person in the room and you'll be able
to figure your way out of it.' Rudolph Giuliani
Family Anxiety And Its Impact

Anxiety is the inner sense of fearful anticipation of the unknown. Healthy fear is a
feeling/thought that prepares us for a genuinely dangerous event. When we have chronic fear
and are anxious about events that have no real threat, it causes us to get stuck in an unhealthy
Triangle role emotionally. Anxious thoughts develop into irrational patterns that keep our mind
filled with negative expectations about things that will never happen.
Is your Fear:
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real
Frightening
Evidence of
Actual
Reality
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When a threat is actually present, our automatic thoughts/feelings prepare us to take appropriate
action so we can react with a proper level of emotional and physical energy. If the threat is
extreme our reaction must be equally strong so we can meet the challenge. Our ancestors may
have faced life or death situations daily, so the Lord prepared them to meet the crises with
emotional, physical, and mental energy. If a lion attacked my great grandpa and he failed to
have an appropriate level of fear, his physiological and emotional response could be disastrous to
him and his family. If the threat was a nine on a ten-point scale, he needed to have an immediate
level nine reaction. In fact, God has created us with a brain designed especially to make us react
with the amount of chemicals to have the visual acuity, muscle readiness, hearing, and speed
necessary to stay alive.
God constructed the brain to analyze some issues like a computer. The analytical part of the
brain processes data analytically without emotion. However, another part of the brain records
the feelings that are appropriate to the situation. The emotional aspects thinking are essential to
our well-being. The analytical, computer part tries to get the facts straight, but those facts do not
tell us if it is good or bad. In order to accurately assess our emotional surroundings, we need to
also develop the emotional brain.
A person who does not have the ability to gather and store facts for immediate or long-term use
is considered to have a low Intelligence Quotient. Although it is important to have a good IQ, it
is even more essential in modern life to have a high Emotional Intelligence Quotient. Many of us
are unable to accurately assess the meaning of the data our brain picks up, so we cannot apply
the facts to our lives in a meaningful manner. Some of us consistently fail to engage the
appropriate emotions of anger, grief, sadness, affection, or fear and live in a world of muted or
inappropriate feelings.
Others, especially those from anxiously dysfunctional homes, consistently confuse their present
situations with past events. Their current situation gets all mixed up with their unresolved
emotional bank of pain or joy. The result is emotions that are actually in response to memories of
past events rather than the present circumstances. Children reared in environments where there
is mental and emotional confusion are less able to respond to adult situations with appropriate
emotions and behaviors.
When a family lives in anxious FEAR, its members absorb the anxiety like a dry sponge and the
think/feel continuum becomes disturbed. Chronic anxiety causes both the IQ and the EQ to be
low. Anxious persons fail to interact with the full range of thoughts and feelings of a peaceful
person. Children raised in a "False Evidence Appears Real" environment consistently confuse
reality and fail to think/feel appropriately. Such fear is part of every family, but some families
are more expert at passing it around. For example, great anxiety is produced when children are
threatened by abandonment. Adults know this, of course, and, unfortunately, use its power to
threaten children into obedience.
When a child is afraid to go into their pre-school class, a sensitive parent will take the time
necessary help him work through his fears of abandonment. If instead he raises the level of
anxiety even further by chiding, threatening, or shaming the boy into compliance, damage to the
childs spirit can occur. A cruel parent might say something like, "You quit crying right now or
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no one here will be your friend. They are all looking at you and think you are a baby." Instead
of helping the child develop a healthy sense of trust in parents and other caregivers, the adult
adds to the stress and anxiety he already feels.
Healthy parents do not threaten children with abandonment. Because the fear of it is such a
powerful event, the emotional brain will retain its panic for many years. Whenever the adult
experiences anything similar to being abandoned, flashbacks to these kinds of events will occur.
The emotional brain is not good at making fine distinctions between harmful and virtual threats,
so any similar event may be confused with the past threat.
Some parents have the opposite problem and fail to allow the child to grow from dependence
into adult independence or interdependence. Parents can emotionally smother a child by
projecting fear about his decisions. Smothering can lead the child to experience fearful anxiety
whenever he enters a relationship of intimacy. Those with anxiety about abandonment react with
a sense of terror each time a mate wants some emotional distance. Terror occurs because we
cannot differentiate between the actual abandoning experiences in our childhood and a natural
desire for distance and privacy in a marriage. A parent might become so emotionally enmeshed
with a child that he/she cannot stand to have them develop intimacy with anyone else.
Just imagine a marriage between a male who fears being smothered and a female who fears
being abandoned. He hides and she seeks. He withdraws and she pursues him. In fact, this kind
of relationship is not unusual. The dance is fairly predictable. When she wants intimacy he feels
overwhelmed and seeks some distance. She asks for time together and he works more hours,
plays golf or works at church. She pursues and he flees. The harder she tries to develop intimacy
the faster he runs away.
This and many other family patterns will change only when one spouse learns how to change
his/her pattern. This is very difficult to do because it surfaces his fears and pain from the past.
She thinks, If I do stop pursuing him will he stop running, or will it reward his behavior? Or he
may say, If I do stop running, will she quit trying to smother me? It is frightfully difficult for
an anxious person to gain enough peace to bring about change.
The best way to stop a repetitive dance is for one person

to move in the opposite direction of their habitual
pattern.
Exercise 3
Family rules and roles: Assess the rules and roles of your family origin and then your current
family
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1. How were differences settled in your family? Argued until it is settled? Avoid conflict at
all costs? Calmly work conflict through? One parent made all difficult decisions? Fought
but never settled it?
2. Male/Female Roles? Very clear and very different? Who did what in the family?
Confused about roles? Dad did work outside home? Mom did work inside home?
3. Communication Patterns: Everyone talked freely to everyone else? Mom talked to each
child separately? Dad talked to no one or favorites? Nobody communicated openly?
4. Discipline: What are some emotional threats? Physical threats? Threats never carried out?
Sometimes carried out? Systematic and consistent? According to emotional climate of
how the parents felt?
5. Finances: Who made the money? Who spent the money? Who was the spendthrift and
who was tight?
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Chapter 9 Improving Family Relationships

The following principles will help you grow personally and in developing great relationships
with others. The things we suggest are applicable to all the various family sub systems. This
includes the historical family, the family of origin, the nuclear family, the extended family, and
the church family. We normally begin our ministry with the present time frame and focus on
dealing with Bondage, Guilt, Rebellion, and Shame (BGRS). We take our time to thoroughly
cover the basic issues we find that are interrupting the lives of the Seekers in order to analyze
their motivational level, support system and depth of difficulty.
Then we move on to deal with past areas of BGRS in what is usually called breaking the ties of
generations or healing generational curses. We also include praying to receive the blessings of
past generations and asking God to use us to continue planting good seeds for future generations.
We develop positive plans for accepting the grace and mercy of God by praying for guidance and
wisdom. You may need to review Course Three Breaking Free materials for additional
information on healing.
Our approach is to teach you how to do a systematic and in depth assessment of the Seekers
personal and family history. Most of these principles were learned from other pastors and from
our personal experiences of prayer, training, and listening to Seekers. After you do a thorough
assessment and ask the Seeker to make notes in his/her journal and on his/her Genogram to guide
you when it comes time to schedule an intensive prayer session. At that time you will need to
revisit these principles and implement them in love, truth, and power.
Resources For Healing The Family

Prayer for others as commanded in Ephesians 6:10-20
10
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that
you can take your stand against the devils schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and
blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and
against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of
God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you
have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your
waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the
readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of
faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of
salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18
And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in
mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lords people. 19 Pray also for me, that
whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the
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gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I
should.
There is power in the sword of the Spirit to cut us free from past, present and future
entanglements and unhealthy bonds. Gods word can be wielded as a sharp sword for battling
against all kinds of spiritual forces of wickedness including those from past generations. These
spiritual forces of wickedness have been troubling people since the exit from Eden so it is no
surprise that they are still hassling many of us who are their offspring. Colossians 3 has a
wonderful promise about freedom from sin.
13
When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made you alive
with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, 14 having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness,
which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross. 15 And
having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing
over them by the cross. (Ask the Apostle Paul! Sometimes he just could not seem to find a
period.)
God cancelled the charges we built up on our Discover Card and disarmed the evil powers of
darkness in our family history. One time, we were ministering to a young woman who was
addicted to drugs and had a severely troubled child of three. Gods Spirit led us to discern that
one of her ancestors had been a Roman soldier with many evil acts of idolatry and violence on
his record. We prayed fervently to cut her free from all those influences, and she experienced
great release.
The testimonies of our friends from the USSR came from families who suffered greatly. Some
were persecuted and many joined the Communist Party in order to prevent from being
persecuted. The Communist Party was devoted to anti-Christian ideas that produced several
generations of traumatized offspring. Thankfully, Jesus died to set us free from destruction
sowed by evil men and women. We are commanded to pray with the sword of the Spirit to set
people free from every stronghold of the enemy. Here is how to do battle.
For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight
with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish
strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the
knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. (2 CO 10:35)
Healing the Family Tree

The Bible has many warnings against idolatry.
Exodus 20: 5 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the LORD your God am a
jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation
of those who reject me,
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Exodus 34:7 keeping steadfast love for the thousandth generation, forgiving iniquity and
transgression and sin, yet by no means clearing the guilty, but visiting the iniquity of the parents
upon the children and the children's children, to the third and the fourth generation.
Deuteronomy 5:9 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the LORD your God
am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and fourth
generation of those who reject me
Genesis 31:19, 34; 35:2 As Jacob prepared to leave his uncle Laban and return home, Jacob's
wife feared losing their inherited riches. 19 Now Laban had gone to shear his sheep,
and Rachel stole her father's household gods. 34 Now Rachel had taken the household gods
and put them in the camel's saddle, and sat on them. Laban felt all about in the tent, but did not
find them. 35:2 So Jacob said to his household and to all who were with him, "Put away the
foreign gods that are among you, and purify yourselves, and change your clothes;
The next generation was free from worshipping false gods.
The results of the idolatry skipped Joseph's generation, but returned with his son Ephraim.
Sin can travel through generations in religious or political groups and families.
Matthew 23 says: 29Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you build the tombs of
the prophets and decorate the graves of the righteous, 30 and you say, 'If we had lived in the
days of our ancestors, we would not have taken part with them in shedding the blood of the
prophets.'
31 Thus you testify against yourselves that you are descendants of those who murdered the
prophets. 32 Fill up, then, the measure of your ancestors. 33 You snakes, you brood of vipers!
How can you escape being sentenced to hell? 34 Therefore I send you prophets, sages, and
scribes, some of whom you will kill and crucify, and some you will flog in your synagogues and
pursue from town to town, 35 so that upon you may come all the righteous bloodshed on earth,
from the blood of righteous Abel to the blood of Zechariah son of Barachiah, whom you
murdered between the sanctuary and the altar. 36 Truly I tell you, all this will come upon this
generation.
God Promises Generational Healing
Prophets promise to break generational bondage in Jeremiah 31:29-30: God will send the people
exiled in Babylon back to their land. 29 In those days they shall no longer say:
"The parents have eaten sour grapes, and the children's teeth are set on edge." 30 But all shall
die for their own sins; the teeth of everyone who eats sour grapes shall be set on edge.
Ezekiel 18: 1The word of the LORD came to me: 2 What do you mean by repeating this proverb
concerning the land of Israel, "The parents have eaten sour grapes, and the children's teeth are
set on edge"? 3 As I live, says the Lord GOD, this proverb shall no more be used by you in
Israel. 14 But if this man has a son who sees all the sins that his father has done, considers, and
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does not do likewise... 17 withholds his hand from iniquity... and follows my statutes; he shall not
die for his father's iniquity; he shall surely live.
God promises the healing of many generations
Isaiah 61:4 They shall build up the ancient ruins, they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations.
Daniel 9: 20 While I was speaking, and was praying and confessing my sin and the sin of my
people Israel, and presenting my supplication before the LORD my God on behalf of the holy
mountain of my God-Deuteronomy 18: 10 No one shall be found among you who makes a son or daughter pass
through fire, or who practices divination, or is a soothsayer, or an augur, or a sorcerer, 11 or
one who casts spells, or who consults ghosts or spirits, or who seeks oracles from the dead.
God's blessings also pass from generation to generation
Psalm 103:17-18 But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those
who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children, 18 to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
Genesis 27: 27 So he came near and kissed him; and he smelled the smell of his garments, and
blessed him, and said, "Ah, the smell of my son is like the smell of a field that the LORD has
blessed. 28 May God give you of the dew of heaven, and of the fatness of the earth, and plenty of
grain and wine. 29 Let peoples serve you, and nations bow down to you. Be lord over your
brothers, and may your mother's sons bow down to you. Cursed be everyone who curses you,
and blessed be everyone who blesses you!"
Genesis 48: 15 He blessed Joseph, and said, "The God before whom my ancestors Abraham and
Isaac walked, the God who has been my shepherd all my life to this day, 16 the angel who has
redeemed me from all harm, bless the boys; and in them let my name be perpetuated, and the
name of my ancestors Abraham and Isaac; and let them grow into a multitude on the earth."
Leviticus 26: 39 And those of you who survive shall languish in the land of your enemies because
of their iniquities; also they shall languish because of the iniquities of their ancestors. 40 But if
they confess their iniquity and the iniquity of their ancestors, in that they committed treachery
against me and, moreover, that they continued hostile to me-- 41 so that I, in turn, continued
hostile to them and brought them into the land of their enemies; if then their uncircumcised heart
is humbled and they make amends for their iniquity,
42 then will I remember my covenant with Jacob; I will remember also my covenant with Isaac
and also my covenant with Abraham, and I will remember the land.
Jesus defeated death.
John 5: 25 Very truly, I tell you, the hour is coming, and is now here, when the dead will hear the
voice of the Son of God, and those who hear will live. 26 For just as the Father has life in
himself, so he has granted the Son also to have life in himself; 27 and he has given him authority
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to execute judgment, because he is the Son of Man. 28 Do not be astonished at this; for the hour
is coming when all who are in their graves will hear his voice.
At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. The earth shook,
and the rocks were split. The tombs also were opened, and many bodies of the saints who had
fallen asleep were raised. After his resurrection they came out of the tombs and entered the holy
city and appeared to many. Now when the centurion and those with him, who were keeping
watch over Jesus, saw the earthquake and what took place, they were terrified and said, "Truly
this man was God's Son!" Matthew 27:51-54
1 Corinthians 15: 6 Then the risen Christ appeared to more than five hundred brothers and
sisters at one time, most of whom are still alive, though some have died.
Romans 8: 38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things
present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all
creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 14: 7 We do not live to ourselves, and we do not die to ourselves. 8 If we live, we live to
the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord; so then, whether we live or whether we die, we are
the Lord's. 9 For to this end Christ died and lived again, so that he might be Lord of both the
dead and the living. 10 Why do you pass judgment on your brother or sister? Or you, why do you
despise your brother or sister? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God.
1Peter 3: 18 For Christ also suffered for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, in
order to bring you to God. He was put to death in the flesh, but made alive in the spirit, 19 in
which also he went and made a proclamation to the spirits in prison, [that is the dead]
The Power of Christ to Heal every Disease and Problem
Acts 13: 38Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is
proclaimed to you. 39 Through him everyone who believes is set free from every sin, a
justification you were not able to obtain under the law of Moses. 40 Take care that what the
prophets have said does not happen to you:
41
Look, you scoffers,

wonder and perish,
for I am going to do something in your days
that you would never believe,
even if someone told you.
42
As Paul and Barnabas were leaving the synagogue, the people invited them to speak further
about these things on the next Sabbath. 43 When the congregation was dismissed, many of the
Jews and devout converts to Judaism followed Paul and Barnabas, who talked with them and
urged them to continue in the grace of God. (NIV)
Note: The Law of Moses was unable to set people free from idolatry, adultery, murder, and past
guilt. The New Covenant is so powerful that idolatry and other grave sins can be forgiven, and
their entanglements can be rooted out. Because of this we boldly come to the throne of grace
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and find mercy and grace (Hebrews 4:16). There is nothing too great for God to heal, forgive, or
cleanse.
Luke 4:18, Jesus claims that he is the restorer promised in Isaiah 61.
Matthew 26:27, Jesus indicates that Communion is the sign of His New Covenant in Christs
Blood. At last, a once and for all shedding of blood was accomplished at the Cross. We often
take an opportunity to pray for generational healing during Communion.
1 Peter 4:6 For this is the reason the gospel was proclaimed even to the dead, so that, though
they had been judged in the flesh as everyone is judged, they might live in the spirit as God does.
Hebrews 12: 1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also
lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the
race that is set before us,
How to Pray for My Own Family

My first and most important task is to better understand myself. It is very difficult to lead others
farther than we have gone ourselves. Although you can use these same queries to minister to
others, at this point respond to them for yourself and place them in a journal for examination and
insight.
We can grow by asking such questions as: What are my thought and feeling patterns in key
relationships? How do I feel and think about my own goals for life? I attempt to learn more
about myself by asking the following questions about my family.
I want the family to___________________________________________________
I feel best when _____________________________________________________
I enjoy it when ______________________________________________________
I am upset when_____________________________________________________
The person I have the most conflict with is ________________________________
I will change the ways I interact with _____________________________________
The person I have least conflict with is____________________________________
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Specific Interventions and Ideas for Healing

1. I can change myself, but not others. When I attempt to change anyone else it tends to make
the problem harder to change. I can influence others by making changes in my own thinking
and behavior. Any changes I make will inevitably lead to changes in all of my family
systems. I cannot guarantee how the system will change, but it will.
2. The power to influence a system gives me confidence that I can make a positive difference. I
realize that there will be resistance to my new behavior because I have upset the systems
balance.
3. Healthy change occurs when I alter the way I relate. Unhealthy conflict occurs when my
processes are flawed. It is not the topic that causes the problem, but the way I handle it. I
will examine my role in the unhealthy processes and try not to reinforce problems. When I
discover those processes I will try to change the way I relate.
4. I will attempt to relate to my family and friends with five times more affirmation than
negative comments. I will follow Philippians 4 and look for truth, love, grace, joy, beauty,
praise, and Gods blessings.
5. When troubles arise:
I will apologize when I am perceived to be offensive.

I will use soft answers to turn away angry words.
I will not let the sun go down on my bitterness, but will grant forgiveness
I will listen twice as much as I speak.
I will not speak in anger.
I will not attack, criticize, show contempt, or dishonor.
6. I will not run away from my family, but will persevere in my relationships until I am able to
be a source of peace and joy. I will reconnect with all branches of the family tree.
7. I will assess the events, sins, and patterns in my family tree and pray to bring release and
relief from all areas of problems. I expect Gods blessings, mercy, and grace to flow freely.
Pray to receive all your spiritual blessings from past generations.

Pray to stop all curses, sins, and patterns from past generations.
Pray to ask for forgiveness from God for all ancestors sin and guilt.
Ask for blots and stains to be cleansed from the family tree and guilt to be released.
Prayerfully place the blood of Christ and power of Christ between self and each side of
the genogram. Pray specifically for three generations.
Put the blood of Christ between myself and children and grandchildren.
Bless the entire family in the Name of the Lord.
8. Pray for Gods power to change behavior patterns.

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Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the compulsive roles I play, and the power to change my
role. Ask God to help me change my patterns one person at a time.
Share any family secrets with other family members on a limited basis. Take my
genogram and discuss it with siblings and parents. Ask about various mysterious or
hidden events.
Look for triangles and change my position in them and ask God to show me ways to get
out of them.
Reduce anxiety and seek the peace of Christ.
Look at all inner vows and change them. Examples: I will not be like _________. I will
always take care of mother. I will never be bossed by anyone.
Repent of negative expectations. Example: I will never amount to anything.
Ask God to heal the generational patterns of anger, bitterness, manipulation, marital, and
family dysfunctions and patterns.
Ministry to Others
As we prepare to intercede for others, we will:
1. Get permission to pray with the person and make sure he or she is also praying to be set
free.
2. Name the sins, and guilty bonds that are to be severed in prayer.
3. Use scripture as a sword and declare:
In the Name of Jesus Christ and with the Sword of the Spirit
I cut all the bonds of (name them) and set you completely free.
4. Pray to seal the person in Jesus' blood. I now seal you, body, mind, and soul, in the blood
of Jesus and enfold you in the strong protections of his love. No longer can any bonds
attach to you!
5. Join the person in giving thanks and praise to Jesus in faith!
New Revised Standard Version used unless otherwise noted.
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Chapter 10 The Results and Healing of

Bitter Roots
Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet, so
that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed. Make every effort to live in peace with
everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one falls
short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. Heb
12:12-15
Many generations of people are living with the pain, sickness, and death of bitter roots. Here we
see some examples of how it happens and why the healing of Jesus is essential to break the
curses. For several years, Chuck Clark wrote an interesting weekly newsletter called
www.StationedHere.com. The issue of Monday, March 21, 2005 had a powerful story about how
a root of bitterness can defile many generations.
As surely as God lives, who has denied me justice, the Almighty, who has made me taste
bitterness of soul, as long as I have life within me, the breath of God in my nostrils, my lips will
not speak wickedness, and my tongue will utter no deceit. (Job 27:2-4)
In 1824, the Prussian government decreed that a long-standing practice that Non-Christians
could not attend schools was to be enforced. A Jewish attorney named Hirschel, who lived in
Trier, Germany, converted to Christianity in order not to be discriminated against.
Hirschels six-year old son Karl could not understand the situation. The boy asked his father:
"Why must we surrender our Jewish faith and start to attend Lutheran services here in
Germany?
The father replied, "Son, we must abandon our faith so that people will accept us and support our
business adventures!" The young lad never got over his disappointment and bitterness. His faith
in his father and in his religion was crushed.
After Karl graduated from the Berlin University, he went to England to study at the British
Museum where he formed his philosophies for life. From those intensive investigations he wrote
a book that changed the world called, The Communist Manifesto. From that book one-third of the
world fell under the spell of godless Marxist ideology. The name of that little boy was Karl
Marx. He influenced billions of lives for more than 100 years and brought to them ruin,
imprisonment and death.
Soviet Communism and Destruction of Successful People in Ukraine

The following details of the Kulak purge come from the Wikipedia. We are including the details
to show how careful the Communists were to spread jealousy, coveting and class hatred between
the people. Stalin deliberately passed policies designed to sow seeds of bitterness in the hearts
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and minds of the less performing people in Ukraine, the country where he was born and reared.
We must be careful not to allow our government agencies to do the same in our countries.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kulak
According to the Soviet terminology, the Ukraine peasants were divided into three
broad categories: bednyaks, or poor peasants; serednyaks, or mid-income peasants;
and kulaks, the higher-income farmers who had larger farms than most Russian
peasants. In addition, they had a category of batraks, landless seasonal agriculture
workers for hire.
The Stolypin reform created a new class of landowners by allowing peasants to acquire
plots of land for credit from the large estate owners. They were to repay the credit (a
kind of mortgage loan) from their farm work. By 1912, 16% of peasants (up from 11%
in 1903) had relatively large endowments of over 8 acres (3.2 ha) per male family
member (a threshold used in statistics to distinguish between middle-class and
prosperous farmers, i.e., kulaks). At that time an average farmer's family had 6 to 10
children.
After the Russian Revolution of 1917, the Bolsheviks considered only batraks and
bednyaks as true allies of the Soviets and proletariat. Serednyaks were considered
unreliable, "hesitating" allies; and kulaks were identified as class enemies because they
owned land. But, often those classified as kulaks were not especially prosperous. The
average value of goods confiscated from kulaks during the policy of "dekulakization" at
the beginning of the 1930s was only $90$210 (170-400 rubles) per household.
Both peasants and Soviet officials were often uncertain as to what constituted a kulak.
They often used the term to label anyone who had more property than was considered
"normal," according to subjective criteria, and personal rivalries played a part in the
classification of enemies. In the early years, being classified as a kulak carried no
penalty other than mistrust from the Soviet authorities. During the height
of collectivization, however, people identified as kulaks were subjected to deportation
and extrajudicial punishment. They were often murdered in local violence; others were
formally executed after conviction as kulaks.
In May 1929, the Sovnarkom issued a decree that formalized the notion of "kulak
household" Any of the following defined a kulak:
use of hired labor

ownership of a mill, a creamery butter-making rig, other processing equipment, or a
complex machine with a mechanical motor
systematic renting out of agricultural equipment or facilities
involvement in trade, money-lending, commercial brokerage, or "other sources of nonlabor income"
By the last item, any peasant who sold his surplus goods on the market could be
automatically classified as a kulak. In 1930 this list was extended to include those who
were renting sawmills, or who rented land to other farmers. Grigory Zinoviev, a well-
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known Soviet politician, said in 1924, "We are fond of describing any peasant who has
enough to eat as a 'kulak'."
In July 1929, Stalin said, "Now we have the opportunity to carry out a resolute
offensive against the kulaks, break their resistance, eliminate them as a class and
replace their production with the production of others." On 30 January 1930
the Politburo approved of the extermination of kulaks as a class.
Some effort has been made to bring healing to the families of people so brutally murdered during
the bloody reign of the Communists. The Communist hatred of productive people, Christians,
priests, and other religious groups was so great that the devastation is continuing to impact
millions. Over the seventy years of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republic, some 92,000 Russian
Orthodox Priests and 12,000 church buildings were destroyed.
To my knowledge, the Teleios Moscow Ministry of Russian Christians is the only ministry to
that teaches them how to break the laws of generational curses. We are very happy to see the
Russian Orthodox Church leaders had a special service in 1998 to confess and repent of the
murder of the Russian Czar and his family.
Christian Confession and Repentance

For Immediate Release, June 10, 1998
STATEMENT
by Patriarch Alexy II of Moscow and All Russia and the Holy Synod of the Russian
Orthodox Church on the 80th Anniversary of the Murder of Emperor Nicholas and His
Family. Beloved in Christ, most reverend arch pastors, venerable pastors, God-loving
monks and nuns, and all the faithful children of the Russian Orthodox Church:
The 17th of July, 1998, marks the 80th anniversary of the murder of the Russian Emperor
Nicholas and members of his family. Time takes us increasingly away from the day when this
evil deed was committed. Several generations have given way to one another during this time,
but the memory of that crime and the feeling of guilt for the lack of repentance for it has not been
blotted out in our people. The murder of the Imperial family is a heavy burden on the people's
conscience still conscious of the fact that many of our ancestors, through either direct
participation or approval or acquiescence, are guilty of this sin. Repentance for it should become
a sign of the unity of our people which is reached not through indifferent acquiescence but
thoughtful reflection on what happened to the country and the people. Only then it will be a unity
not in form but in spirit.
Today, as it was five years ago, when we sent to the pastors and the flock a Letter devoted to the
75th anniversary of the Yekaterinburg tragedy, we testify again that "our people have not
repented for the sin of regicide committed with the Russian citizens remaining indifferent. We
call to repentance all our people - all their children regardless of their political convictions or
views of history, regardless of their ethnic background or religious affiliation, regardless of their
attitude to the idea of monarchy or to the personality of the last Russian emperor".
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Let the memory of the crime committed move us to make on this day a general repentance for
the sin of apostasy and regicide- repentance accompanied by fasting and abstention, so that the
Lord may hear our prayers and bless our Motherland with peace and prosperity. On this day we
call upon and bless the archpastors and pastors of our Holy Church to conduct requiem services
commemorating the murdered Emperor Nicholas II, his wife Empress Alexandra and their
children, Olga, Tatiana, Maria, Anastasia, Alexis, and their faithful servants and all those
martyred and slain in the time of fierce persecution for the faith of Christ, whose names are
known to the Lord. Making this appeal, we profoundly regret that the sad anniversary of the
murder of the Emperor and his family has been darkened by hard arguments around the remains
found near Yekaterinburg.
On this day, the 17th of July, these remains will be buried at the Cathedral of Sts Peter and Paul
in St. Petersburg. The State Commission identified them as those of the Imperial family. As is
known, the decision of the commission has provoked a twofold response in our society and the
Church. Along with those who trust the Commission's conclusions, there are those who do not
accept them. The Church and the secular public have been divided in their judgment, and this
division is apparently confrontational and painful. In this situation, the Supreme Church
Authority, whose duty it is to take care of the unity of the Church and to promote civic peace and
accord, is called by the very logic of the conflict to restrain from supporting a particular point of
view.
Requiem services for the murdered Emperor, his family and all those martyred in the years of
persecution will be conducted on this day in our churches; the same requiem service will be
conducted at the Cathedral of Sts Peter and Paul in the city on the Neva. This divine service will
not be an act of recognition or non-recognition of the scientific conclusions with regard to the
"Yekaterinburg remain", but rather a fulfillment of Christian duty, the Church's response to the
requests for conducting a service for the repose of the souls during the burial of the remains.
Most reverend archpastors, all-honorable pastors, God-loving brothers and sisters! Today the
plenitude of the Church is working hard to restore the ruined shrines, recovering the image of
Holy Russia. Blessing this work, we call upon you to lift up prayers not only for the repose of the
Imperial family, but also for all those slain and killed in the years of trouble, so that we may
survive the difficult time experienced by the church and our people today in the spirit of
harmony, not yielding to the pressure from vain discordance which is alien to the good of the
Church.
Let us then pursue what makes for peace and for mutual up building" (Rom. 14:19). "Now may
the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times in all ways" (2 Thes. 3:16).
ST. PETERSBURG, Russia (CNN) -- Nicholas II was buried Friday, 80 years to the day after the
emperor and his family were executed by Bolshevik revolutionaries. The czar was laid in a
common grave alongside his wife Alexandra, three of their daughters and four faithful retainers.
With cathedral bells ringing, Boris Yeltsin and dozens of dignitaries gathered Friday at a
riverfront fortress for the burial. The Russian leader called the czar's murder "one of the most
shameful pages in our history." Many leading figures chose to skip the service due to
controversies it generated. Yeltsin was planning to stay away as well, but changed his mind,
saying Thursday he would participate. Friday, he delivered a powerful message of regret.
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"We must tell the truth -- the (czar's) massacre has become one of the most shameful pages of
our history," Yeltsin said in opening the ceremony in the St. Peter and Paul Cathedral. "By
burying the innocent victims we want to expiate the sins of our ancestors."
The burial has reopened long-suppressed chapters of Russian history, stirring fresh debate about
the Bolshevik Revolution of 1917, the Romanov dynasty that preceded it, and the nature of
national guilt and repentance. The Soviet Union collapsed in 1991, but Russia has not previously
held any major, formal ceremonies dealing with the abuses committed during communist times.
Friday's service brought the issue to the fore. "This is not just a funeral, but a national
repentance," said Mstislav Rostropovich, one of the world's leading conductors and cellists, who
was exiled during the Soviet era.
It has been difficult to turn on a television in Russia this week without seeing programs about the
royal family, with archival footage of Nicholas, his wife, Alexandra, and their children. Russians
who grew up in the communist era knowing little about the Romanovs are being inundated with
their history. But the burial has also raised multiple disputes among political and religious
leaders.
Testimonies of Healing Generations of Families

The following testimonies from Russia show why teaching about the ways to deal with
generational sins, guilt, trauma and shame can be such a powerful evidence of the good news.
We have ministered in Russia since 1994 and taught on these topics ever since.
A Young Woman
The young woman of thirty or so looked sad and upset. She was one of the prettiest women I had
met in Moscow, but her natural beauty was covered over by dark circles under her eyes and
inability to look me in the eye or smile. I was visiting the Liferoute Team in their tiny office in
an old, beaten Palace of Culture located not too far from the Metro. This meant that it was an
expensive property even if it looked as though it needed to be condemned.
These Palaces of Culture were built during the Lenin and Stalinist periods as an alternative to
church buildings. The Communists had essentially outlawed any active involvement in religious
activities, and they knew they needed to come up with places where the people could gather and
enjoy some basic social interactions. They were a lot like community centers and YMCAs in
America with square dancing, classes for adults, and other things to keep the people from
missing church.
Now when the term Palace of Culture is applied to these run down, unpainted, badly managed
buildings, it seems to be a metaphor for the nation as a whole. The Communists were famous for
soaring rhetoric and heroic statues of ordinary people, but the realities were much different.
Under Stalin and Lenin and their Secret Police, no one was safe from persecution, prison,
starvation, and time in a gulag for any or no reason. Men were especially at risk, and a new
word, Gendercide, has been spawned to describe their coldblooded and vicious treatment.
Almost every family I have ever met lost a father, grandfather, or uncle in the senseless purges of
the paranoid Bolsheviks.
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So, my meeting of Alexandria, a beautiful young woman with a bruised and battered psyche in a
pitiful community meeting hall should have been no surprise to me because I have seen the signs
of abuse, neglect, and overwhelming grief before. But I never get used to it. It always takes me
by surprise, even after almost twenty years of personal ministry among these deeply traumatized
believers. I suppose I am so used to seeing Americans, Scandinavians, and Asians with bright
eyes and quick smiles indicating a life of comfort and health that the massive amount of
emotional and spiritual pain of the Russians still comes as a surprise.
The teaching topic Steve Griebling and I had chosen was on Healing Generational Pain and,
wow, it opened up an unbelievable can of generational worms for three days in that small, hot
office. Alexia was one of the first to volunteer her life to be examined and prayed over. She had
travelled for 36 hours by train from the Caucus Mountains in Siberia to come for healing. Galina
and her team of Helpers had travelled to her home village on three occasions to teach our
patented classes in overcoming the pain of dependencies, caring, and Power Thinking. But
Alexia wanted more, so she came all the way from Siberia just to share her story and get some
relief.
Her story was and is, unfortunately, quite common among the Russians. Her grandfather had
owned a small farm and sold his vegetables to the community for years before the 1917
Revolution. Because he was a successful member of the middle class, he and his family were
considered to be an enemy of the state by the Communists. One winter night, the local police
came to his home, rousted the family of eight out of bed, and threw them out of their home with
no opportunity to dress for the snow and cold weather or take any of their food or goods with
them. Several of the children died, and her grandfather was later sent to a labor camp in Siberia.
Her grandmother followed with the surviving children and settled in a tiny village near the camp.
But this was not her presenting problem. We discovered all that because we asked our students to
do a genogram that explained their family history. What she wanted healing for was an inability
to have a successful relationship with a man. She showed morbid fear of men and reacted
dramatically to any males attempt to get close to her.
Thank God, Alexia and several others of our students experienced powerful insights and healing
as we explored their family of origin. This opened up doors for inner healing prayer and the
opportunity for God to move in her past and present for deliverance and freedom. At the end of
the workshop, Alexia had a smile on her face and she was beginning to look others in the eye
with some boldness. Her healing process is not over and will very likely continue for many
months. It began with a year of involvement in our Christ Centered 12 Step Group and
continued in learning how to take every thought captive to the mind of Christ through worship,
prayers and reading Gods word.
There is a big difference between being healed and being cured. Lazarus was healed, but he was
not cured of human weakness, sickness, and pain unto death. Alexia was healed of fear, posttraumatic stress issues, and pain from past wounds. She will not be completely cured until she is
in heaven.
These stories continue to be told and retold all around the nation of Russia. There will be no
lasting peace among the good people of that huge country without the presence and power of the
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Prince of Peace. Thank God we have an opportunity to equip the Russian Believers to do the
works of service. Ephesians 4:11-15
The Testimony of Russian Woman

Healing the Family Tree of a Christian in Moscow
Those from among you will rebuild the ancient ruins; You will raise up the age-old
foundations; And you will be called the repairer of the breach, The restorer of the
streets in which to dwell. Isaiah 58:12
The Russian Revolution of 1917 and the communist regime that followed had a
devastating impact on the family, relationships and bonds. It dealt a blow to the very
foundation of the society. Many families were forced to flee, leaving their homes
behind. Millions of people including children experienced death, separation, betrayal
etc. Family traditions were cast aside. Confusion and wretchedness invaded peoples
hearts. This traumatic experience of family bonds torn apart was inherited by
generations to come.
I suppose that most Russians, like me, feel lost, insecure, angry and ashamed. Not long
ago, I suffered from depression and low self-esteem. People are trying to find their
place and failing to do so. They do not know their roots and family traditions. As a
result, new families fall apart because of addictions and despair.
Yet we have our Lord! He warms us with His love and grants us His mercy. He gives us
all: peace, joy and love. But can we accept all this? I would love to say yes! However,
I realize that it will take work to rebuild with the Lords help the ancient ruins of my
family (including previous generations) and my soul. The further I go down this path of
rebuilding, the deeper I can embrace the joy of the Lords love and the more I regain my
lost integrity and understand my purpose.
I came to this conclusion while studying my family history and working with the
genogram. It was important for me to recognize historic, psychological, social, and
religious aspects of my family. I wanted to connect the past with the present to
determine family patterns, and to realize what I could improve, develop or correct
Studying my genogram, I found the effect of past tragic events on my family, my life,
and my personality formation, as well as my children. I was shaken by the discovery!
I will try to outline my family history.
My father comes from a prosperous Ryazan region peasant family. By the beginning of
the 20th century, many of the family members were educated and moved to Ryazan.
There were teachers and artists; my great granduncle was a priest. My grandfather was a
treasurer in Izhevskoe village. Some were philanthropists, who supported local churches
and helped the needy. My grandfathers family: his wife and their 8 or 9 children all
lived in a large house near the Kazan icon of the Mother of God church. My aunt had
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memories of going to that church with my grandmother. My grandfather had two

brothers and many other relatives.
The calmness of their regular and successful life came to a crashing end one cold night
in 1930 (or 1929), during the dispossession of the kulaks. The whole family had to hide
in a barn till dawn and then flee to Moscow, where some of their relatives lived. They
lost everything. One of the children got cold that night and died later. I dont know
much of that night; my father never told me about it. He was 3 or 4 years old at the
time, the very age when the foundation for a persons life is established. My aunt was
12 or 13 years old then, and she was the one who told me about the tragedy. Only three
children survived those tragic events: my aunt, my father, and their older brother who
later died in the war.
The family lived through a tragedy. All family members experienced fear and shock
that night. The hardship that followed brought a lot of stress. How did my grandparents
react? How did they explain these events to their children? One can only imagine how
such horrors could affect a 3-4 year old child, my father. However I could guess the
profound effect judging by the following years of my fathers life. I cant speak of the
faith in the family. Yet I know that my aunt used to go to church as a child and my
father was christened.
My father grew up in the city. He grew up removed from his roots, from those family
traditions that formed over centuries in the Ryazan region. He never wanted to go back
and instead he started a new life: became a communist, studied to become a navigator,
and later worked as an engineer. It all was simple: leave the past behind, forget it all,
build a new life.
The very fact that my father never told me about my family speaks volumes. He either
deemed the past so insignificant it wasnt worth to share or the memories were so
painful, that he chose to forget. I dont want to judge him. Yet how could anyone build
a new life casting aside the foundation? Ignoring that little faith that helped my
grandfathers family to survive the struggle? Without adopting the family traditions and
crushed by a family tragedy as a child?
My father cast aside everything old. Without feeling his feet, yet sure of the bright
future, he married my mother. Soon my brother and I were born. However, my fathers
lack of faith in God and alienation played a tragic role in his life. My father earned
decent money, yet he turned to alcohol. Quarrels with my mother followed; as a result,
she wanted to take her life. My fathers new family now was enduring a tragedy. I grew
up in this difficult environment: afraid of the quarrels, not knowing my roots, realizing
that something was out of place with me and my parents. I was feeling guilty. I was
ashamed of myself and my family. I felt lost and unsure
Finally, after taking the Family History Classes at Lifegate, I made a decision to
reconnect with my past. One of the biggest events in my life was a journey to Ryazan
region where I visited Izhevskoe village. I literally felt my feet as I walked the land of
my ancestors. I looked around me: at the houses, at the trees, at people as if I had
opened my eyes for the first time.
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Then, new strange feelings arose in me: of acceptance, peace, participation, of reunion
and finding something that was forever lost. I was inspired with respect for my family
and my parents. It was such a beautiful feeling. I entered a completely different state.
One could say I was cured or started to heal myself and my family. I dont think I ever
experienced such inner harmony, completeness and gratitude before. I walked down
Izhevskoe streets, prayed at the ruins of the old church, at the cemetery and near
grandfathers house, and I felt at home.
Now I believe it is important to pray for my departed relatives, strengthen my faith, and
reestablish relationships with my remaining relatives and cherish these connections. I
think this somehow might help the future generations of my family. What else can I do
to oppose the evil that overwhelmed my country and my family?
From the beginning of her taking the Lifegate Teleios Classes to doing the Genogram and
praying over her family tree was about five years. She was in a 12 Step Group, Power Christian
Thinking, Breaking Free, and Forgiveness. From the time she started doing the Family Classes
until this testimony was another four years. During that time she has been involved in ministry
with many other members of her church.
Three Russian Females Need Generational Healing

One of the first retreats we ever did in Russia was just a few years after the fall of the Soviet
Union was held at the Saltikova Baptist Retreat Center about thirty miles from Moscow. Galina
and I gathered with about 40 pastors, deacons, elders, and Christian leaders and 12 Step Leaders
to discuss and pray about Breaking Free and Healing the Family Tree. This group of people was
unmatched in terms of Spirit-filled Evangelicals in Russia in terms of commitment, influence,
and spiritual power.
Two of the women were head Sisters of the Baptist Church in Russia, with one in charge of
Moscow and the other the rest of Russia and the former USSR. The most powerful of the bunch
was a beautiful woman of about forty with raven black hair, dark skin, and flashing eyes. I later
learned that she was a convert from Islam who had recently moved to Moscow from Tajikistan.
When she spoke, the rook shook with spiritual power.
Several of the people were doctors and recent converts to Christ out of alcoholism and drug
addiction. They currently pastored churches that reached out to that large subculture. One church
was located within the walls of a hospital and focused on getting the medical personnel saved
and sober. One of our friends had been a key woman in smuggling Bibles into the USSR before
the wall came down. Now she is active as a Nurse in the Christian Medical Society and training
12 Step Group Leaders.
The final trio is the focus of this testimony. A mother, daughter and granddaughter came to the
retreat together to learn how to minister more effectively to women they brought from a life of
drug addiction and prostitution. Many had been abandoned and suffered from years of physical,
emotional and sexual abuse. They had no place to leave the younger womans daughter, so they
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brought her along and we all enjoyed the presence of a ten year old child to remind us what
innocence could look like.
Soon after we arrived, each person was asked to share their testimony and give a brief overview
of their ministry. That is how we learned about the amazing things that they were doing despite a
lack of training and almost no money. I cannot speak Russian, of course, so Galina translated for
me so I could get the gist of the stories. The two women I mentioned held up a magazine with a
pink cover and photos of women who had been given another chance at life. It was a powerful
story.
The young women Maria was a gifted artist and photographer and wanted to attend Bible school
in St. Petersburg to learn better how to write and design educational materials for their magazine.
There was one problem. The school cost $500.00 US Dollars and she was broke. She asked us to
pray for God to provide that $500.00 before Monday. It was Thursday when we prayed.
All that day and into the early evening I taught on Breaking Free with a special emphasis on
generational curses and blessings. I knew that the Bolsheviks had wrought evil so dark and deep
that we westerners cannot even imagine the damage they did to families. I taught on Genograms
and asked each participant to include as much as they knew about their parents and grandparents
as well as their children and grandchildren. That covered the years of Communism and we
planned prayer to set people free later in the weekend.
Because of jet lag and teaching all day, I turned in fairly early. Just when I was in a deep REM
sleep, Galina knocked on my door and woke me up. She said through the door, Gary, you must
come to the chapel. We are praying there and we dont know how to proceed. I walked over to
the chapel and listened to the story of the Grandmother and Mother. Their Genogram showed
several generations of divorce and alcoholism beginning about the time of the Revolution. In
fact, Grandmother Irene Akalov knew that her husbands grandfather had left his wife and
abandoned the family during the Revolution after 1917. Like many Russians, he disavowed his
faith in God and joined the Communist Party as an atheist.
Irenes husband Olav Akalov was the father of Maria. He was an alcoholic who abandoned Irene
and the family when Maria was a young girl. He took a job somewhere in Siberia. He had not
been heard from in years. Finally, Marias husband Georgi Balakal, the father of little Irina, had
left that family when she was three, and they had never heard from him since.
You may wish to develop a rough Genogram showing as best as you can the situation with these
generations since the Bolshevik Revolution. Think about how would you minister to the
Grandmother and Mother and the little girl? What would you seek God to do for them?
The Rest of the Story of Three Female Christians in Russia

The chapel was about half full of earnest men and women who felt that the Lord was going to
heal the generations of abandonment and the curse of alcoholism and drugs. They had been
praying together and crying out to God for wisdom but hit a brick wall. They decided to call me
into the chapel to guide their prayer. I was overwhelmed and unsure about how to pray but, as
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usual, I said, Lets give it a go. There is no formula, but lets seek the Holy Spirits guidance
and see where God leads.
We prayed using Dialogue Prayers with each other and God for an hour or so, and it seemed as
though the Spirit showed up in a very real way. We were sure that God had answered those
prayers, but we knew not how. If nothing else, Irene, Maria, and Irina felt 100% better than
before.
About 3:00 AM, I was woken by the ringing of a telephone located just below my second story
window. I was irritated and quickly fell back asleep. When I got up for morning prayers and
breakfast the entire group was abuzz with big news. The 3:00 AM call was from Irenes former
husband and Marias father from who they had not heard in years. Somehow he had
miraculously tracked her down from Siberia to tell her he had a gift for her of $500.00. All she
had to do was take the 6:00 AM train from Saltikova to some distant city in Siberia and meet him
at the station that day. They got Maria onto the train at 6:00 AM and she was well on her way to
see her long lost father.
I did not need to convince the skeptics any longer that God still does miracles and that He was
going to use the Breaking Free lessons to help these people accomplish their efforts to bring
people to salvation and sobriety. The miracle of the 3:00 AM call was all we needed to persuade
that group that God longs to Heal the broken hearted and set the captives free; to rebuild the
ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have
been devastated for generations. (Isaiah 61:1-11)
It is never too late to have a happy childhood when we have God in our lives.
One of the ways Christians can pray for their nation is to identify issues of past sin and bitterness
and confess them to God, asking for His mercy and grace to break the people free from bitter
root judgments. In the USA we can name slavery, abortion and maltreatment of Native
Americans as areas of gross sin to be confessed.
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Appendix A. Three Aspects of

Sanctification
Definitive Sanctification (Imputed Righteousness)
_____________________________________________________________________________
Emphasizes I Have Been -
An overemphasis
Forgiven
Denies sin, sickness and evil
Saved
Fails to recognize the need for repentance
Healed
Can lead to pride and simplistic religion
Sanctified
Lacks forgiveness, cleansing and power
Made Whole in Christ
Leads to hypocrisy, anxiety, loss of faith, sickness
Key Scriptures:
II Corinthians 5:17 A new creature in Christ, the old has passed away and all things have become new
Colossians 2:9 The Fullness of the Godhead bodily dwells in my Lord and I am complete in Him
Focus: The believers POSITION in Christ now is complete wholeness and perfection by faith.
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Progressive Sanctification (Daily Growth)
_____________________________________________________________________________
Emphasizes I am Being -
An overemphasis
Forgiven
Denies Christs healing now
Saved
Leads to a works approach to life
Healed
Focuses on negative aspects of life
Sanctified
Focuses on evil
Leads to self-condemnation
Key Scriptures:
Romans 7: The Things I want to do I cant do
Philippians 3:12 Not that I am now mature but forgetting the past I strain toward the goal
Focus: The believers CONDITION in Christ now is substantially healed but not complete
Realized Sanctification (Glorification)

_____________________________________________________________________________
Emphasizes I will Be An overemphasis can lead to
Forgiven
Lack of repentance and growth now
Saved
Pie in the Sky by and by

Fail to appropriate my Position in Christ
Healed
Fatalism: Im helpless, its hopeless
Sanctified
Focus on the Second Coming of Christ
Become so heavenly minded that were no

earthly good
Key Scriptures:
I Corinthians 13:10-12 Now we see through a glass darkly, but then we shall see face to face.
I John 3:1-3 It does not yet appear what we shall be, but we know that when He appears we shall be like
Him, for we shall see Him like He is.
Focus: The believers HOPE in Christ now the future when we shall be resurrected with Him with a
new body and a new earth
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Appendix B. Nodal Events Recording

Forms
Gary Sweeten (Make as many copies as you need.)
Fill out a different series of Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual forms for each of your
interconnected families. This is on a Word Document so you can cut and paste as many forms as
you need. Start with your Family of Origin with Mother, father and Siblings. That would be the
Thomas Sweeten and Leota Taylor Family. Since these events are experienced as a family unit it
is good to record them in units. You can always place one event into several family forms. My
grandparents lived next door and the important events in life impacted all of us in both families.
Place in here the events that are both good and bad, Christian and other religions, uplifting and
destructive. Look for generational patterns like you see in The Genogram Journey by Monica
McGoldrick. Divorce, mental patterns, salvations, outstanding involvements, secret societies,
cut-offs, bitterness. Many of the events will be transferred to the Genogram found in Appendix A
but you will have room here to write more extensive notes that will be your guide when you pray
for God to bring healing, release and peace to the past, present and future.
Nodal Events and Patterns
Family Name _________________Husband ___________________ Wife _________________
Children: _____________________________________________________________________
Date
Event and Pattern
Impact and Connections
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Possible Intervention

Children: _____________________________________________________________________
Date
Event and Pattern

Children: _____________________________________________________________________
Date
Event and Pattern

Children: _____________________________________________________________________
Date
Event and Pattern
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Appendix C. Blank Genogram Form
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Appendix D. Sweeten Family Model
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Appendix E. A Harrowing Story about

Names
HARRY Medieval form of the name HENRY
Long ago, my great grandfather, HARRY, met and wed a girl named MARY.
They had a son whom they named HARRY.
HARRY the 2nd grew up and also married a girl named MARY.
MARYS fathers name was HENRY.
Time passed, and HARRY and MARY had a son.
They named him HARRY.
HARRY the 3rd grew up, and married.
He also had a son whom he named HARRY.
HARRY the 4th grew up and married a girl named MARY.
But it doesnt stop here.
HARRY the 3rd also had a sister named HELEN.
She grew up and married a man whose parents names were...
You guessed it HARRY and MARY.
HARRY and HELEN also had a brother named JOHN.
JOHN grew up and married a girl named HELEN.
HARRY and HELENs older sister grew up and married and man named JOHN.
So my maternal grandfathers parents were named HARRY and MARY.
My maternal grandmothers fathers name was HENRY.
My maternal grandparents were named HARRY and MARY.
My paternal grandparents were named HARRY AND MARY.
My uncles name was HARRY.
My 1st cousins name is HARRY, and his wifes name is MARY.
I have two uncles named JOHN.
My mothers name was HELEN.
My aunts name was HELEN.
My eldest brothers middle name was HENRY.
My older brothers first name is JOHN.
And, oh yes, my middle name is MARY.
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Appendix F. The Moth Struggles to Grow

A man found a cocoon of an emperor moth. He took it home so that he could watch the moth
come out of the cocoon. On the day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the moth for
several hours as the moth struggled to force its body through that little hole.
Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and
it could go no farther. It just seemed to be stuck. Then the man, in his kindness, decided to help
the moth, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The moth
then emerged easily.
But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the moth
because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to
support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the little moth spent
the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to
fly.
The man in his kindness and haste did not understand that the restricting cocoon and the struggle
were God's way of preparing it for flight. The small opening was actually forcing fluid from the
body of the moth into its wings so that it would be light enough for flight the fluid was gone. So,
when it had finally achieved freedom from the cocoon, there were no more obstacles to taking
off. Freedom and flight would come only after the struggle. By depriving the moth of a struggle,
he deprived the moth of strength and health. When it came time to take flight, he was too
weighed down by the water still hanging to his body.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. It is the only way to grow up. If God
allowed us to go through life without obstacles, it would keep us from taking off. As St. Paul
said, Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. Trials get us ready to soar. They strip us
of the weight of sin that hangs on to us from the past. Without them, we will not be as strong as
we could have been, or as strong as we need to be.
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Appendix G. The Double Dirty Dozen of

Codependents
1. Often think and feel responsible for other's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants,
needs, well-being, lack of well-being, salvation, and ultimate destiny. No boundaries of
feelings.
2. Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
3. Feel compelled --almost forced -- to help others solve their problems.
4. May offer unwanted advice, give rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fix feelings.
5. Feel angry when their help is not effective or not accepted.
6. Anticipates needs of others.
7. Often wonders why others do not feel and act the same toward them.
8. Do not really want to be doing more than their fair share of the work, or work that others
are capable of doing for themselves.
9. May not know what they want and need, and tell themselves that wants and needs are
unimportant.
10. Try to please others instead of themselves.
11. Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others rather than
injustices done to them.
12. Feel safe and secure when giving, helping, and rescuing.
13. Feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them.
14. Feel sad spending their lives giving to other people without receiving.
15. Are often attracted to people in need.
16. Needy people are often attracted to them.
17. Feel bored, empty, and worthless if there is no crisis, problems to solve, or people to
help.
18. Will abandon their own projects and routines to help others.
19. Commit themselves to more than they can do.
20. Often feel harried and pressured.
21. Believe that others are responsible for them.
22. Blame others for their situation.
23. Think that others make them feel and act the way they do.
24. Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.
25. Find other people become impatient or angry because of these characteristics.
These are the characteristics of a person with few, if any, boundaries. They send a message that
others can cross over their boundaries of time, family, prayer, worship, study, recreation, and
work. The result is usually burn-out, exhaustion, and sometimes, moral problems. Although codependent people seem to make good church leaders at first, in the long run, they will cause
dysfunction. Co-dependents fail at the core characteristic of a disciple: trusting God. This
problem arises from being a rescuer in a dysfunctional family.
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Appendix H. Examples of Reactivity: A

Case Study of Jan and Irene
Couple 1. Anders & Anna with a Reactivity of about 20
They are very open and elastic, able to move and grow separately or together. Anders could say
Im going fishing. Do you want to go? Anna could say yes or no and Anders would not be
hurt, upset, or rejected. Or, Anna could ask Anders to stay home from fishing to mow the lawn,
and Anders would not be hurt or upset with the request even though he may not want to mow the
lawn.
There is no blaming and a lot of self responsibility. Neither will blame the other for his/her
feelings or frustration. Anders would not blame Anna for asking him to defer the fishing trip, nor
would Anna think that Anders was responsible for her feelings.
They can be very close or far apart without anxiety. Neither expects the other to meet his/her
needs. Each can ask the other for something without demanding that they comply. This
relationship can move back and forth with great flexibility and agape love. They can stay closely
related to each other while demanding little. They can be respectful, understanding, and attentive
without violating their own values, beliefs, convictions, or commitments. If Anders is not as
interested as Anna in going out to eat, she will not attack him or be upset. If Anna spends time
with friends or family, Anders will not be jealous.
Couple 2. Bjorn and Barbara with a Reactivity of 70-75
At a level of 75 reactivity, the two are stuck together as if held together by an electrified metal
rod that automatically transmits thoughts and feeling (especially anxiety) to each other. The talk
is always we and us, and the blaming is you. Their marriage may last 50 years, but the children
are likely to dysfunction all over town. If Bjorn wants to go fishing, Barbara will likely believe
that she must go along to make Bjorn happy or she must be with him to be happy. Each feels
dependent upon the other although, one may seem more dependent than the other. Women
usually seem more dependent than men in these cases, but that is almost never true. We usually
marry someone whose level of differentiation approximates our own. Bjorn may not seem to be
emotionally dependent upon Barbara as she is upon him, but that is because they show their
dependency in opposite ways.
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He is cool, distant, and a loner, while she is a warm, extroverted lover. He wants to go fishing
and she wants to be together. The two complement each other perfectly. If, for example, she
encouraged Bjorn to go away alone on fishing trips, he might become more interested in staying
home. His emotional under functioning is, in this case, dependent upon her emotional over
functioning. A couple like Bjorn and Barbara might dance the steps of a pursuer/pursued for 50
years of a marriage. He pulls away, and she moves toward him. Or, she moves toward him and
he pulls away.
In the parlance of the modern Christian writers, however, it is Bjorn who refuses to meet her
needs. Numerous books, articles, and radio programs focus on how to get him to be more
responsible and note she is a victim of his callousness. This advice is what many women want to
hear because it confirms their established convictions. However, it is not an adequate
explanation.
1. It leads to blame. It is based on the belief that one person is always at fault; that one person is
right and one person is wrong.
2. It focuses on the inside condition of one person not on the relationship.
3. It puts one mate in charge of the other mates thoughts, feelings, needs, and life. The only way
Barbara can be happy is for Bjorn to meet her needs.
4. If anything happens to Bjorn, Barbara cannot be happy nor have her needs met.
5. She is helpless, hopeless, and dependent.
We do not agree with this model because we see it as idolatrous. Only God can meet all our
needs. It exacerbates the problem because it urges the overly active one, usually the woman to
get more active. It tells the pursuer to pursue even more. It raises stress, anxiety, worry, guilt,
and shame, the root causes of this in the first place. The issue that keeps Bjorn and Barbara stuck
is chronic anxiety. Each is emotionally reactive to the other. The way to help this family is to
reduce anxiety, and reactivity while helping them stay in a caring relationship. It is no little task.
Several years ago I met with a couple overseas who were very stuck together. The event which
brought them to see me after the seminar was the problem with their adopted Korean son. The
couple was very committed to the Lord, and had taken their son Joshua in from a refugee camp
when he was only 6 months old. They also had three other biological children.
Jan and Irene had grown up during the sexual and drug revolutions of the Sixties. They traveled
around Europe experimenting with the alternate lifestyles of that era. In 1969, Irene became
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pregnant with their first son. Per was born in 1970. A year later Jan met the Lord while
recovering from drugs and alcohol in a Christian Commune outside Oslo, Norway. Immediately
upon leaving the commune, he began to search for Irene and Per. Doing his duty, he married her
in Uppsala, Sweden. They returned to the commune and became enmeshed in the ministry of
witnessing to alcoholics and drug addicts and in caring for them at the same place where Jan had
found his answer. Now, some 17 years later, their adopted son Joshua was involved in illicit sex
and experimenting with drugs.
Jan and Irene sought me out following a seminar on family therapy and I met with them to
discuss Joshuas problem. Irene blamed Jan for the problem, saying that he was too busy
traveling around the country saving the world and that she was forced to do everything for the
kids.
Jans own sense of guilt and shame covered him like a wet blanket of despair. The depression so
long denied was wearing him down. Although his words sounded brave and full of faith, his
nonverbals had the look of hopelessness.
As Irene sobbed out the story of Joshuas problems (caused by everyone else but Joshua) Jan sat,
defeated and lonely but attentively listening to her outpoured grief. Suddenly, Irenes weeping
turned to rage as she looked at Jan, pointed to him and shouted, It is all your fault. God is
punishing us for all the sins we committed before we were married. Now you sit here judging me
for making you marry me.
The level of Irenes reaction is evidence of the issue addressed here. She is stuck to Jan so firmly
that his behavior causes an immediate and deep emotional reaction. For her to become
emotionally enraged as the result of Jans sneer is to see that her emotional state is dependent
upon him.
Although it does not matter whether Jan did in fact judge her as Irene thought, we shall look at
the interaction a bit further. I was stunned by the change from grief to rage and taken totally by
surprise by her question: Do you see how he judges me? Then her directive to Tell him about
how when he does that how hurtful it is. He wont believe me when I say it. He even denies that
he is judging at all, so tell him how he comes across.
I re-focused the question so it stayed between them, and asked him what he was thinking as Irene
told her story. According to Jan he was thinking how awful he had been as a father and that she
was right. He was also thinking that God was punishing them for all of the wild things they did
before marriage. Joshua was their cross to bear, so he thought. I was not judging you but myself
for dragging you into this mess, Jan said. I was on the verge of tears because I feel so badly.
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Irenes rage again flared and she pointed out in no uncertain terms how he refused to
acknowledge his sin and pointedly told me that I should tell him that. So, I said, you really
perceive Jan to be mocking you and putting you down when you cry out for help? You dont see
him as supporting you or even trying to meet your needs?
He doesnt support me or meet my needs. He never has and he isnt now. He only married me
out of Christian duty because we had a baby before we were married. Hes always blamed me for
getting pregnant.
Jan replied in a whiny, defeated voice, But Honey, I dont blame you. I really do love you but I
just cant seem to ever please you. I work so hard trying to please God, trying to please you, and
trying to help the residents. I know Ive failed but I dont know what to do.
This type of interaction captures how each is a prisoner of the others perceptions and demands.
Neither has a sense of living, thinking, or acting outside the frame of reference of someone else especially each other. Irenes emotional life is fused with Jan and Jans with her. As long as
Irenes emotional life is dependent upon Jans thoughts, feelings, and behavior, Irene is stuck in
an emotional prison. She does not think and act according to biblical principles or rational
thought but re-acts automatically and emotionally with no sense of rational or biblical thinking.
If she perceives or thinks that her husband is not loving her or meeting her needs, she becomes
an emotional wreck.
It is this phenomenon that leads us to describe the two as being held together by an electrified
metal pole. When either one feels a strong emotion it is communicated to the other or a
predictable, shocked reaction follows. It is this lack of differentiation that many people are now
labeling as emotional co-dependence. It is now used to describe co-feelings between two people
when one person reacts to the thoughts and feelings of another person automatically.
The cure for Irene is to become more of the person God created her to be. To be a different
person from her family, her husband, her children, and even from God. To focus on being codependent may well keep her stuck in the relationship because the term actually encourages her
to look at Jans issues rather than at her own inner strengths and weaknesses.
The cure is the same for Jan. It is obvious that he is not differentiated from Irene or from his
clients. He hasnt developed his own biblical values, thoughts, and convictions to guide his
feelings and behavior. His feelings and actions come directly from others. In fact, both of them
are conforming to the world rather than being transformed by the renewal of their minds.
(Romans 12:2)
Such re-activity is obviously multi-generational. No one could develop such a deep level of
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chronic anxiety in one life time. We get a clue to the multiple generational issues when we look
even briefly at the lifestyle Jan and Irene had adopted in the Sixties. Their lack of stability and
the cutoff from family, as well as their attempts to get their deep emotional needs met through
drugs and sex, attests to the truth of generational dysfunction or generational anxiety and a lack
of differentiation. A careful examination of their genogram will reveal this. For example, Irene
was the fourth child of six and had become lost emotionally in the pressures of family life.
Irene left home at 16 to follow a rock group and lived off the streets. Her parents were not very
religious, although her grandfather was a pastor. Irene continues to feel rejected by her mother
and has never spoken to any of her family about the circumstances of her marriage. Irene has a
superficial relationship to her seafaring father and believes that he preferred the boys and older
sister Marie-Therese to her.
Whenever Irene remembers her father, she feels sad, hurt, and confused. Thoughts
of mother lead to feelings of deep pain and loss. A Christian knows she should witness to her
family, so her letters are filled with religious warnings and biblical passages on the need for
repentance. Irene prays often for her lost family that they might be saved and is worried about
their going to hell.
In this brief description, it becomes obvious that there is a great deal of emotional reactivity in
Irenes family. In other words, she never really left home emotionally and continues to react to
the internal thoughts and memories of mother, father, and siblings. It is this lack of fully leaving
home that causes Irene to have such difficulty in finding an intimacy with Jan. She is unable to
speak honestly with her family about the pregnancy and marriage and puts on a mask of hyper
religiousness to cover up her pain.
The severe reactivity Irene experiences now in her relationship with Jan, Joshua, and others
cannot be fully healed until Irene is able to fully leave home, nor will Jan ever be able to meet
Irenes needs because the trouble lies deep within Irenes own family network. Even though
Irene left home physically at 16, she continues to be stuck at home emotionally some 20 years
later.
Jans family was also a painful place to live. Being the eldest of eight, Jan had taken care of his
family since the age of seven. His mother was chronically depressed and unable to serve the
family in basic ways. She had seven live births and 3 miscarriages in 12 years, and Jan became
her substitute husband because father was away at work so much and Jan was much easier to
love than father.
At age 16, Jan left home to work to help support the children left at home. While away in the city
he began to drink occasionally to medicate his depression. After two years, the drinking had
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progressed to drugs, and he lost the factory job because of absenteeism and poor performance.
The guilt/shame and remorse Jan experienced followed him throughout Europe as he traveled
from place to place hoping to find peace from his depression and help for the addictions.
Thoughts of failure hammered inside his head and he continued to have a shallow, even
occasional interaction with any of the siblings or mother who lived in a nursing home nearby.
Several of the siblings did receive money from Jan whenever there was a crisis - which was
often. Even though he supported the family on these occasions, Jans sense of guilt,
condemnation, and shame at abandoning his family were daily prods to an over developed
conscience.
Jans highly developed sense of responsibility and his own internal anxiety kept him stuck to the
family of origin, then to his nuclear family, and finally to family of residents to whom he
ministered. The unresolved anxiety and systemic reactivity of Jans family of origin is passed
along from generation to generation. In other words, Jans reactivity to Irene and his reactivity to
the children and the patients are all interconnected. In fact, Jan had grown up too quickly, so he
never grew up at all. His anxiety kept him from ever leaving home. The same is true for Irene.
She had not resolved her major issues of emotional independence with the family of origin, so
those same anxieties reared their ugly heads in relationship to Jan (e.g. his judging sent Irene into
rage) and to her children.
Neither Jan nor Irene had accomplished the goal stated for all persons by our Creator God when
He said in Genesis 2: that For this reason shall a man leave his mother and father and cleave to
his wife and the two shall become one flesh. In one way, Jan and Irene were too close (fused or
enmeshed), but in the wrong way. Their lack of emotional independence from the family of
origin drew them into a fused but not intimate marital relationship.
The greatest task of childhood is to leave home. Although both Jan and Irene left home
physically in their teens, neither has left emotionally. Their acts of leaving were desperate
attempts to escape. There was no maturing process, and the natural result was leaving the nest in
an appropriate fashion. Here we see two immature, emotionally dependent kids. They fled home
to escape pain. Today each is projecting their emotional reactivity onto God, the residents in
treatment, each other, and their children. Perhaps the problem child Joshua is in reality simply
reacting to their reactivity. Maybe he is trying to tell them something. Jan and Irene were too
close so they had conflict, and their son Joshua got caught in the conflict and is telling the world
exactly what is happening in his family.
As we return to the incident of reactivity related above, it is obvious why I began to assume that
the problem with Joshua, the son on drugs, was, at the root, a multigenerational family systems
issue which could only be healed by dealing with the family being stuck. For example, I assumed
that if mother and father were both stuck to their own families of origin, and if each was stuck to
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the other in a vicious cycle of reactivity, then the next generation would also be stuck in the
insidious web of undifferentiated emotional issues. It took no rocket scientist to conclude that the
children would be reacting predictably to all of the emotional anxiety floating around. Each child
usually chooses a role or is chosen to be in a role that is unconsciously designed to
functionally keep the dysfunction alive and is intended by that person, at the same time, to heal
the family by serving as a metaphor to describe the problem of the family. In any event, it
seemed clear to me that Joshua was not the patient or the problem, but had his role to play in the
family system. He was as stuck to his family of origin as his parents were to theirs.
As you can imagine, emotional fusion leads to the captivity of all of its victims. Any time any
member of any of these families (including the addictive residents) had a crisis, every other
person in the system had a deep, anxiety driven, reaction. The reaction would be almost pure
feelings with no regard for the assessment of whether or not such an emotional reaction was
rational.
Look at these examples:
1. Irene thinks of mother and feels sad
2. Irene sees husband judge her and rages
3. Jan thinks of mother in nursing home and feels shame
4. Jan hears of a brothers problem, feels condemned, and sends money
5. Son is on drugs and feels ashamed, condemned, and worthless; believes God is
punishing them
Anxiety/worry is the primary language of love for some people. To have peace means that I
dont love. To be worried means that I care. As one mother said to a son who indicated a lack of
worry about the prodigal in the family, Why, you dont even love your brother!
REACTIVITY
In this scheme, then, a high number on the reactivity scale means that a person has not left
home emotionally and carries the worries, anxieties, pain, and emotional baggage of that
previous generation into their present family, church, and work system. Since people usually
marry someone with a similar level of reactivity, the nuclear family that results will often mirror
health functionality dysfunctionality of the family of origin. Whenever a relationship is highly
reactive, then we can be fairly sure that they are living out the reactive traditions of their own
genealogy in combination with the unresolved anxiety found in their nuclear family.
In working with dysfunctional families, it is good to keep in mind that the level of functionality
changes very slowly. If my family was highly reactive it is not very likely that I will become a
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paragon of peacefulness and stability overnight. In fact, by pressuring people to change quickly
we simply add to the generalized anxiety of the person and the family and sabotage the process
of gaining peace. Attempting to save my life, I lose it, but when I lose myself in Christ, I find
peace in the family.
At each stage of development the goal is to encourage people to stay connected to family while
working to maintain peacefulness. It is easy for some people to remain peaceful if they are cut
off from family. On the other hand, they can be connected but very anxious and reactive. It is,
however, tricky to maintain a close, caring, and open relationship with people we love while
being non-anxious, non-reactive, and non-worried.
Power Christian Thinking is a very valuable tool in developing peaceful relationships because it
is designed to eliminate irrational thoughts that lead to emotional reactivity. For example, we
could help Irene examine the belief system she holds which led her to become enraged when she
saw what she perceived to be a sneer on her husbands face. RCT would allow Irene to grow in
peacefulness from the inside out rather than focusing on finding peace and fulfillment through
the approval of her husband. She would learn that it was her responsibility to get her needs met,
and that Jan could not really meet her needs. Further, PCT would help her see that as long as
Irene looked to Jan for happiness, the happiness she sought would evade her.
Breaking Free brings the healing power of God into the broken, painful, and bitter places which
keep us bound reactively to the past. The healing flow of grace brings freedom, deliverance, and
release so peace can grow inside each participant and enable them to interact with less reactivity.
In ministry and church life we can facilitate a couples growth toward peace within and with
others in several ways.
1. Support the more differentiated members.
2. Do not focus primarily on the most anxious people.
3. Coach the most mature members to grow and change. Ask them all to write down
what they want. Have them use a journal to write what they want and need.
4. Also ask them what they do not want.
5. Remain peaceful when you are with anxious people. Reactive people criticize when
they want to move us back to their comfort level of anxiety. We must respond by
listen respectfully. In a Helping Ministry, there is no place for heroics.
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Appendix I. The Night I Stopped Being a

Referee
Sweeten Life Systems, Inc. 2007
Linda Watson
One of the roles I have played for years for my two boys is a referee. My boys are 2 & 1/2 years apart
and they often fought other. A fight brought one of them running to me and I became the referee. I
thought if only I could become a better referee and come up with just the right punishment, lecture or
scripture verse to make them be good Christian brothers, the fighting would cease or at least get better.
But it was getting worse as they got older. Joel was 10 and Ethan 8 at the time and I, who swore I would
never scream at my kids, was reacting to the conflict as a screaming maniac.
One typical evening, I told the boys they had five minutes to get ready for bed and whoever was not ready
with teeth brushed and pajamas on was getting a spanking. (One of my better referee tactics was to set a
time limit so short they didnt have time to fight.) In a few seconds the screaming and fighting began.
Ethan, the younger, came running and said, Mom! Joel hit me in the stomach!. I tried to respond by
asking, What did you do but Joel said, Mom, he threw my pajamas across the room. Besides you
always let him get by with more than me. (There was a grain of truth in that accusation and I was
stunned.)
My own anger escalated because I failed as a referee. However, I rather calmly said, You have five
minutes to get ready for bed. If you are not ready then you will be spanked. You have to make your own
decisions about how you are going to treat each other. I am no longer going to referee your fights.
They left the room and in a few minutes I heard the usual chaos. Mom, Joel hit me. Then, Mom, Ethan
hit me first. I called back, I want to remind you that you have exactly three minutes to get ready for bed.
If you are not ready you will be spanked. I am not coming in there to referee so you can do whatever you
want to each other.
About three minutes later both came into my room. Ethan was very quiet but Joel fell down before me
crying and started to beg me to be a referee again. Mom, dont do this please. Just go back to the way
you were before. (I said to myself, Maybe I have hit on something good here. Is this what we have
discussed in Gary Sweetens Family Class about how changes cause shock waves throughout the entire
system? Is Joel just acting out to try to suck me back into my old patterns of refereeing?)
When I said I would no longer referee I was unaware I was making such a big change in my pattern and
the entire family system. I just needed to do something. I said it more out of desperation than anything
else. I was unaware of the role I was playing and how I was getting caught into the triangle between the
boys. To Joel I replied, This is very interesting. Just a few minutes ago you were complaining how unfair
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I was as a referee. I gave you five minutes to do anything you want to Ethan without getting into trouble
and you want me to go back to a referee.
Joel began to cry loudly and say, Please Mom; please! Dont do this! Please just be the way you were.
What if we hurt one another or kill one another? I said, I guess if you made that choice you would have
to live with it wouldnt you. I was amazed at how calm I was. I did not yell or scream. I was not
enmeshed with him! He was crying but I did not comprehend all the dynamics or why he was so upset but
I simply said, Joel, I am going to change. I will not be a referee any more. We will talk more when your
father is home.
Bill arrived a few minutes later but we didnt have enough time or calmness with Joels weeping to get
everything straightened out so Bill just said, Hold it. Lets go to bed now and talk tomorrow.
It had been a good start but I was still pretty anxious. The next day the boys and I were talked in the car
but the discussion was too brief for real insights. However, things were smoother. The real test came at
supper. With Joels baseball game after school we had a tight schedule, just right for a big fight. I served
spaghetti for dinner, Joel said to Ethan, Now that Mom will not referee we can do anything we like. .He
proceeded to fire a fork load of spaghetti at Ethan who smiled and loaded his fork. I said, I think you
have this all wrong. I need to redefine referee. Any food that lands on the table, floor or walls you will
have to clean up.
Ethan promptly picked up one of Joels carrot sticks and dunked it into his milk and Joel retaliated. I
said calmly, excuse me but the rule still applies that you must eat all your veggies. Joel turned and
started to say something belligerent when I said, Another thing has not changed. You may not be
disrespectful to me.
Then we began to eat in silence. I was amazed at my new peace. Maybe they were not having fun but I
sure was, but the calm did not last for long. Joel finished first and swatted Ethan on the head as he rose
from the table. Ethan took his shoe off and reared back to fling it when I said, (With some anxiety)
Whatever the shoe hits you are responsible for. Joel retorted, Yes, and if I get hurt you will have to
pay the doctor bills.
That caused me to question myself. (What if he gets hurt? Will I be responsible for the bills?) But before
I could go much farther with the What ifs Ethan broke in and said, Mom, you are a Mom, right? I
said, Yes. Ethan, I am a Mom. Ethan continued, Moms are supposed to be referees. I smiled and said,
Ethan, I am not going to be a referee any more but I am still going to be your mother.
We had to leave immediately to get to the game on time so I ran to get the car keys. I was really enjoying
myself in this new role. But the good feelings did not last long before I heard Ethan screaming. Oh, no I
thought. Ethan is probably injured and how can I explain my non-refereeing stance to the ER when my
children were trying to kill one another? And, who is responsible for the Doctors bills?
At the bottom of the stairs Ethan was lying on the kitchen floor weeping profusely with loud groans. I
cant walk, I am hurt bad. Joel kicked me in the leg with his baseball cleats! My old referee habit
immediately sprang into action and I yelled, Joel! Come here immediately! Then I saw him peeking
around the door with a look that said, Come on Mom. You can do it. You can be the referee again!
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That look brought me to my senses and I inspected Ethans badly bruised leg to find no marks at all. I
calmly informed them that as soon as Ethan could walk we would go to the game. Joel complained
loudly I just knew we would be late for the game but I refused to take the blame bait. Instead I said,
Joel, one of the consequences of choosing to hit your brother is being late to the game. But, it seemed
that Ethan was able to recover quickly so we were able to leave with no delay.
I tried to fill Bill in on these matters while watching the game but not much of the new developments
were made clear or understood. I left for my evening commitment somewhat apprehensive that the boys
would get out of hand. When I got home and asked Bill how things went he said, It was fine. In fact, I
also told the boys I am not going to be a referee either. To which Ethan replied: I may run away from
home.
We went into their room to pray for the boys and I said, Ethan, daddy says that you really dont like us
not being referees any more and you might run away. I want you to know that if you choose to run away I
will really miss you. Joel chose that moment to begin to cry and beg us to return to our old ways.
Please, please dont do this, he said. I want be punished so I can be a good adult, We may kill each
other if you dont go back to what you were doing.
With so much bombarding us we did not know where to start but we said that we have so many other
choices and ways to manage conflict other than killing or hurting each other. There are other alternatives
to channeling anger. We also wanted to address Joels idea that punishment would make him a good
adult. That night we made a promise to ourselves that we would be parents instead of referees or police
officials.
There are times when I tend to slip back into my referee mode but I am definitely having more fun as a
parent when I play the game of life with my children rather than being on the sidelines with a whistle. So
often I was ready to frantically blow the whistle in the midst of a fight but now I have changed. I
discovered that being a referee is not much fun but I love being a MOM! Linda Watson 1989 revised
2007
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Appendix J. The Good Report Card

Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is
helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. In
obedience to Gods word about building others up, I covenant to speak with good reports about
people. I also pledge to receive only good reports and not gossip about others. If I violate this
pledge I will:
Ask God to search my heart and lead me to reconcile with the person(s) I have offended.
Take the initiative to privately go to the person(s) I have offended whether they know it
or not and confess my failures; ask their forgiveness and seek their peace. MT 5:23-24
When I discover I have been offended by bad reports I shall:
Ask God to prepare my heart for reconciliation. Take the initiative to go privately to the
perceived offender and ask if we need reconciliation. If he/she confesses I will forgive
and release him/her from any claims of justice. MT. 18:15-19
If the personal and private attempts at reconciliation fail I will ask a spiritual friend to go
with me to seek complete reconciliation with the offender. Mt. 18:16-19
If a personal encounter is liable to cause more harm than good I will seek Gods guidance
as to how to release any and all perceived offenders. I will not share my hurt or pass the
offense on to others lest it cause harm to the person I thought had offended me.
When I violate these promises I will confess to a spiritual friend that I trust and seek forgiveness
and cleansing of my guilt from God.
Name: __________________________________________
Date: ___________________________________________
Box 498455 Cincinnati, Ohio 45249
A 501 c3 non-profit ministry
www.sweetenlife.com
Dr. Gary Sweeten. Original by Dr. Ron Rand
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Appendix K. A Separation Agreement for

Committed Couples
Gary Sweeten adapted from Gary Emmanuel
1. I agree that I will not feel abandoned even if my partner abandons me.
2. I agree not to feel angry, upset, defeated, depressed, hopeless or anxious even when my
partner feels bad, sad, mad or glad.
3. I agree I will not interfere with your relationship with our children. I will further support
your attempts to develop an intimate relationship with each child.
4. I agree to support your efforts to develop your own friends, hobbies, relationship with
God, and times alone.
5. I agree that you and I may develop friendships with other people.
6. I agree to allow you to have your own unique relationship with our parents, siblings and
extended family.
7. I agree to let you know when I appreciate you and when I am upset.
8. I agree to allow you to differ with me emotionally, politically, mentally, and spiritually.
9. I agree to disagree agreeably with you and our family and friends.
10. I agree that we will share our chores and take out the garbage.
Agreed this _______ day of ______________, 20___
_____________________
_____________________
Distributed by
Sweeten Life Systems
www.sweetenlife.com
P.O. Box 498455
Cincinnati, Ohio 45249
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Appendix L. Encouraging Children to

Leave Home
Dr Gary Sweeten
One of the most profound statements in scripture about family life is the command that parents
are to prepare their children to leave their mother and father and cleave to their spouse and
weave themselves together in one flesh. (Genesis 2:24) There is, however, a balancing verse
found among the Ten Commandments and repeated in many other places: Honor your father
and mother so your days will be long on the earth. (Ex 20:12)
When we think about these two concepts together is makes sense to encourage our children to
emancipate from their parental home while maintaining a healthy sense of a self in a new family
system. Dependent children are still part of the parental system. At the age of emancipation,
however, they become adults with equal standing in their own system while honoring and
blessing both father and mother.
At marriage, the child develops a separate system with a spouse, and the parents must take care
lest they intervene inappropriately in that system. An overactive parent can disturb the health of
an offsprings spousal arrangement. If the child is too enmeshed with one or both parents, the
honorific pattern is disturbed, implying a lessening of long life.
Emancipation begins at birth and continues throughout ones life.
1. I commit myself to support your independence of thoughts and values.
2. I will not feel abandoned when you make choices with which I disagree.
3. I will not nag you about your friends or career, but I will be honest about them.
4. I will not intentionally cause you to become dependent upon me financially, emotionally,
educationally, or spiritually.
5. I will not take your side against your wife or husband. You may not come home instead
of dealing with a marital dispute.
6. I will not encourage you to be with me instead of your in-laws.
7. I will not attack your child rearing or disciplinary practices.
8. I do not expect you to rescue me financially or emotionally.
9. I will speak the truth in love to you about my concerns, but I will not abandon you for
any reason.
10. I will support your efforts to try new things and take chances.
Distributed by Sweeten Life SystemsP.O. Box 498455Cincinnati, Ohio, 45249
www.sweetenlife.com
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Appendix M. Family System Coaching

Mary and Joseph were worried about their son Steve. He was often anxious and angry with his
younger sister, Marin. Steve had been diagnosed with ADHD, and it worried his parents greatly.
One morning before school Steve broke down and wept because he knew that he would fail the
English test that day. He had always done well in English, but he was almost hysterical. Joseph
immediately began to write items for Steve to memorize, and Mary told Steven he should have
studied earlier. Mary and Joseph then got into shouting match before he left to take the kids to
school.
A week later Joseph called Dr. Good and asked for an appointment to see what was wrong with
Steven. That same day, Mary called Dr. Good for an appointment to help Joseph get over his
anger problem. On Monday the couple came in and related their perceptions of the familys
problems. As a counselor, where would you start to work? What do you see as the issue facing
Mary and Joseph?
Thinking Systemically
To assess the roots of Stevens behavior we look not only at the factors that directly impact the
child, but also at the patterns of the people around him. It is not just the shock of an individual
traumatic event that scars us for life. It is also the repeating patterns of dysfunctional behavior
arising from the trauma that keeps us in bondage.
Having a parent who was abused can influence the childrens behavior even if the abuse is never
mentioned. A young woman named Beth came to see me in 1978. She suffered from her fathers
sexual misbehavior. The facts about her abuse were kept secret from the other children, but the
siblings still had severe problems. The younger children hated their older sister and had little to
do with her.
The siblings felt pain, confusion, and conflict even though they knew no facts about the abuse.
They felt excluded from the fathers care and thought he loved her best. He had indeed loved her
but wrongly. She allowed him to do bad things to her as an attempt to protect the younger girls,
but they saw her behavior as self-serving. Beth felt rejected, angry and hurt by their lack of
support and understanding. Thirty years later, they are still divided, and the siblings refuse to
believe her stories of abuse.
Kids and Divorce
Divorce ravages families and leaves its painful reminders in the hearts and souls of the next
generations of offspring. Many if not most of the children of a divorced couple feel responsible
for the breakup of their parents marriage. Despite verbal assurances to the contrary, kids often
develop a deep sense of guilt and shame. Their ruminations and self-talk about failing to keep the
parents together continues to haunt them for decades. The pain of the marital conflict flows
downward for generations and no amount of rational explanations will change it because Tellin
aint sellin.
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Additionally, many children feel a need to choose sides in the separation. They are pulled into
inappropriate relationships by supporting one of the parents. This triangle causes them to be
emotionally close to one parent and conflicted or distant with the other. In the same way that a
thermostat regulates the furnace, the intuitive sense of family members regulates the behavior of
the persons involved in a split and attempts to restore the former balance.
Sensitive children will often choose to be on the side of the uncaring parent. Why? It makes
some sense in the way a child thinks. The kids assume that the caring parent will always be there,
but the less functional parent will bail out. By drawing close to the uncaring parent, the child
protects himself from abandonment. It does not usually work, but kids usually try to protect
themselves as much as possible.
When Valerie turned on the gas stove the heat sent a message to the thermostat. It said, It is
too hot in this house. Stop the furnace. That message shut the gas valve and the fire went out.
The warm air was not circulated and the living room got cooler. As the temperature dropped,
Valerie felt chilled and assumed that the furnace was broken. She had intended to warm the
whole house, but her actions had the opposite effect.
Families operate in a similar fashion. A desire to change another persons behavior may
backfire. Change requires us to understand that feedback to thermostats work about like feedback
to a person. Parents try their best to punish a child in order to stop him or her from behaving in a
certain manner. However, they often discover that the punitive intervention has the opposite of
its desired effect. The child sees moms actions as a reward instead of punishment so the
behavior is strengthened and continues at an even higher rate.
One day I was visiting a friend who placed her three year old in time-out. In a few seconds the
boy began to chatter. He continually asked his mother how much longer he was to be punished.
Mom responded by telling him the time yet to be spent in the penalty box and to be quiet. He
insisted that she was wrong about the time and an argument ensued. She angrily argued back and
the cycle continued.
Later, she complained to me that punishment just did not work with James. He kept doing that
which she was trying to eradicate. I asked if she would like some input from me about what I
saw. She said Sure so I explained that the time out was a reward, not a punishment. In order to
punish a child and extinguish the behavior, she would have to stop her own cycle of rewards.
Here is how it could work. If she chose to place him in time out, it must be with peace and quiet,
not with debate. Mom must never respond to his arguments or complaints, no matter how
animated or angry James gets. Her arguments were seen as emotional rewards and inspired him.
He was winning the battle of wits with mom.
Archimedes said that he could move the world if he had a long enough lever. He was not entirely
correct. A lever is useless or damaging if the fulcrum is not placed in the best position of
influence. My young friend tried to punish her son, but she placed the fulcrum in the wrong
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spot. Valerie also misplaced the lever when she raised the heat in the same room with the
thermostat.
When working with families, we need to assess where to push or pull to get them to stop putting
the fulcrum in the wrong places. If what we are doing is not working, we need to stop them and
assess where to place the lever. Stop the dysfunctional behavior and start relating in healthy
ways.
For example, Dr. Good listened to Joseph and Marys story and asked some questions to
discover where to place the fulcrum. In systemic work, we often discover that there is actually a
counselor in the house that has already diagnosed the dysfunctional patterns. In this family, big
sister Marin had seen the patterns and had predicted that her little brother would have such a
crisis.
What led Marin to her conclusion? Before the big blow up, Dad was busily helping Marin
prepare for a test and little Steven was being ignored. Marin loved it when Dad helped her even
though she was a straight A student; she often asked him for assistance so they could be closer.
In the middle of his tutoring her, Marin said: Just wait, Dad. Steven will come up with a
problem that will make you help him instead of me. She saw the family dynamics by thinking
systemically. Mom and Dad were stuck in the analytical cycle of causation. Steven knew that
he could be the center of attention if he just had an educational crisis that only dad could solve.
Sure enough, his educational crisis trumped Marins need for emotional support.
Stevens ADHD was once again rewarded and strengthened.
After asking a few process questions and listening for the system feedback routes, it was easy to
see the familys emotional dance. Anyone familiar with choreography can discern between the
Black Bottom, a waltz, and the Fox Trot. A person who thinks systemically can see the repeated
family patterns. You can learn how to discern the dance if you ask some questions.
As a famous teacher and consultant said, I just act ignorant and ask simple questions. They
think I am an expert.
Content Questions
What did he say?
Who is in charge?
What is promised?
He is adopted, brilliant,
ADHD, abuse survivor,
Royalty, beautiful,
He is paid the most
She makes good grades
He is godly.
Is she sick?
Process and Dance Step Questions

Who said what to whom, when
What happens when people speak?
What does he do?
Who does what when?
Who gets things done?
Who asks mom for help?
What does he do?
When does she get sick?
154
Is he doing poorly in school?

Is he saved?
Doe he drink beer too much?
Is he angry, jealous or fearful?
Who caused this to happen?
When does he do best and worst in school?

When does he rely on the Lord?
When does he drink too much and when not?
With whom does he get angry, jealous or fearful?
Why did it happen at this time?
Individual vs. Systems Thinking

Linear or Individual Thinking
(Coal Stove Psychology)
Direct cause and effect. One person or
event causes the problems.
Individual, disconnected, personal
Personal blame on one person
Content of words critical
Inner focus on pain, weaknesses and
problems.
Change? Heal the Identified Patient, he
/she is sick. Parents are not involved in
Every issue is individual and personal.
Focus? Sensory details
Persecutors control Victims
Victims should Blame Persecutors
Counselors must diagnose what is wrong
with the IP and fix him/her.
Helper Counselor has expert skills,
wisdom, medical interventions, brilliance
to heal the sick IP
Helper must be expert in gender, culture,
age, race, sexual preferences, etc.
IP is passive/dependent on expert
Helping is seriously anxious business
Expert Helper does all the work.
Systems or Circuit Thinking

(Gas Furnace Psychology)
Indirect, circular cause and effect
Community, family, connected, , relational,
generations extended family
Responsibility on all
Patterns, modeling, relationships key
Focus on strengthening each persons
behavior, relationships, habits, dreams,
Change? Coach motivated persons Adjust
personal patterns of interaction among all
family members.
Focus? Intuitive whole
Persecutor and Victim provide mutual
interaction and systemic balance
All are responsible and accountable.
All positively affect each other. Look for
dysfunctional patterns and make small
adjustments in relationships.
Helper is a Coach that empowers the IP to
grow, change, see strengths, seek peace and
develop resiliency
Helper understands healthy systemic
interactions and challenges IP to grow
regardless of race, creed, sex, etc.
IP is responsible, active, creative, insightful
Helping is playful and peaceful
IP, family and friends crucial to success.
155
Appendix N. Works Cited

Britt, Robert Roy. Churchgoers Live Longer. LiveScience. N.p., 3 Apr. 2006. 2 July 2012.
Clark, Chuck. Stationed Here. 2005. Web. 3 July 2012.
Foster, Richard. Money, Sex & Power: the Challenge of the Disciplined Life. Scranton: Harper &
Row, 1985. Print.
Friedman, Edwin H. Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue. New
York: The Guilford Press, 1985. Print.
The Greek-Hebrew Key Study Bible. Ed. Spiros Zodhiates. Chattanooga: AMG Publishers,
1990. Print.
Gottman, John and Nan Silver. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. New York: Fireside Press, 1994.
Print.
Keil, C.F. and F. Delitzsch. Keil & Delitzsch Commentary on the Old Testament, 10 Volumes:
Updated Edition. Peabody: Hendrickson Publishers, 1996. Print.
Kulak. Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Wikimedia Foundation, Inc.. 6 June 2012. Web. 29
June 2012.
Larson, David B. and Byron R. Johnson. Religion: The Forgotten Factor In Cutting Youth
Crime and Saving At-Risk Urban Youth. The Manhattan Institute. Web. 3 July 2012.
Marx, Karl. Communist Manifesto. London: Allen and Unwin, 1961. Print.
McGoldrick, Monica, and Randy Gerson. Genograms in Family Assessment. New York: Norton,
1985. Print.
Morschauser, Scott N. Created in the Image of God: The Ancient Near Eastern Background of
the Imago Dei. Theology Matters. N.p., Nov./Dec. 1997. Web. 1 July 2012.
The New American Standard Bible. La Habra: The Lockman Foundation, 1977. Print.
Sanford, John. The Invisible Partners: How the Male and Female in each of us Affects our
Relationships. New York: Paulist Press, 1980. Print.
Schuller, Robert H. Possibility Thinking. Nashville, Tenn.: T. Nelson Publishers, 1993. Print.
Seligman, Dr. Martin. Authentic Happiness. University of Pennsylvania. Web. 3 July 2012.
156
Stone, Irving. They Also Ran: The Story of the Men Who Were Defeated for the Presidency.
Garden City: Doubleday, 1966. Print.
Stone, Irving. They Also Ran; The Story of the Men Who Were Defeated for the Presidency.
Garden City: Doubleday, Doran and Company, inc., 1943. Print.
Sweeten, Gary R., Ed.D. Breaking Free From the Past. Cincinnati: Christian Information
Committee, Inc., 1980. Print.
Sweeten, Gary R., Ed.D. Breaking Free to Be All God Intended You to Be. Cincinnati: Sweeten
Life Systems Publishing, 2012. Ebook.
Sweeten, Gary R. and Steven Griebling. Hope and Change for Humpty Dumpty: Successful Steps
to Healing, Growth and Discipleship. Cincinnati: Sweeten Life Systems Publishing,
2010. Ebook.
Sweeten, Gary R. Power Christian Thinking. Cincinnati: Sweeten Life Systems Publishing,
2012. Ebook.
157
Appendix O. Bibliography
1. Aulen, Gustaf. Christus Victor. New York: The MacMillan Company, 1969. Print.
2. Barlow, D. H., G.G. Shel, and E. B. Blanchard. Gender Identity Change in a Transexual: An
Exorcism. The Journal of Healing and Christianity, pp. 20-23. Print.
3. Byrd, R.C. Positive Therapeutic Effects of Intercessory Prayer in a Coronary Care Unit
Population. Southern Medical Journal, 81, No. 7. 1988. Print.
4. Ferguson, Sinclair, David Wright and James Packer, eds. New Dictionary of Theology
(Master Reference Collection). Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press, 1988. Print.
5. Francis, Glen. Shame and Guilt in the Orient. Unpublished paper.
6. Kallas, James. A Layman's Introduction to Christian Thought. Philadelphia, Pa.:
Westminister Press, 1969. Print.
7. Leon Morris, The Atonement: Its Meaning and Significance. Downers Grove, Illinois: InterVarsity Press, 1983. Print.
8. Linn, Dennis and Matthew. Healing the Purpose of Your Life. Mahwah, New Jersey: Paulist
Press. Print.
9. Lynch, James. The Broken Heart: The Medical Consequences of Loneliness. New York:
Basic Books, 1977. Print.
10. Matthews, Dale, M.D. and Connie Clark, The Faith Factor. New York: Viking Press, 1998.
Print.
11. McNeill, John T. A History of the Cure of Souls. New York, N.Y.: Harper & Row
Publishers, 1951. Print.
12. Misar, R. Sonny. Journey to Authenticity. Cape Coral: Master Press, 2010. Print.
13. Sanford, John Loren and Paula. Why Good People Mess Up. Lake Mary, Florida: Charisma
House, 2007. Print.
14. Seligman, Martin E.P. Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. New
York: Free Press, 1998. Print.
15. Solzhenitsyn, Alexander. 1974. From Under the Rubble. Trans. A. M. Brock and others.
Washington, D.C.: Regnery Gateway, 1981. Print.
16. Sweeten, Gary R. The Healing Release of the Holy Spirit. Cincinnati, OH: Sweeten Life
Systems, 2011. Ebook.
17. Sweeten, Gary and Steven Griebling. Healing Souls, Touching Hearts; Pastoral Counseling
and Care in the Cell Church. Singapore: Touch Ministries International, 2000. Print.
18. Sweeten, Gary R., Anne Clippard, and David Ping. Listening for Heavens Sake. Cincinnati,
OH: Teleios Publishing, 1993. Print.
19. Sweeten, Gary R. The Development of a Systematic Human Relations Training Model for
Evangelical Christians. Ed. D. Dissertation, Univ. of Cincinnati, College of Education, 1975.
Print.
20. Verny, Thomas, M.D. (n.d.). Retrieved 4 09, 2012, from Birth Psychology:
http://birthpsychology.com/content/apppah. Website.
158
21. Walters, R., G. Gazda, W. Childers, and E. Deselle. Human Relations Development for
Educators. Boston, MA: Allyn and Bacon, 1973. Print.
22. Watson, Ed., Phillip S. The Message of the Wesleys. New York: MacMillan Company, 1964.
Print.
159
Vision
We see an increase in the number and strength of
lively, healthy, growing servant leaders expanding
Gods truth, love and gifts to impact others in
socially, emotionally and spiritually responsible
ways.
At Sweeten Life Systems we:

o Help people build a lifetime of great
relationships.
o Train people in Business, Teams,
Leadership, and Families to live effectively
and healthily.
o Consult with organizations and provide
coaching and mentoring.
Great relationships help people feel better about
their work, themselves, and others as well as
inoculate them against emotional and relational
problems. We focus on using and teaching the latest ideas from Positive Psychology and
biblical wisdom to foster wholeness and maturity.
Let us help you build great relationships within your family, organization and business.
Contact us at:
http://www.sweetenlife.com
P.O. Box 498455
Cincinnati, OH 45249
531-744-4630
160
Inner Healing and Soul Care EBook Series

Healing Release of the Holy Spirit
Power Christian Thinking
Breaking Free to Be All God Intended You to Be
How to Be Me In My Family Tree
Other EBooks by Dr. Gary Sweeten
Hope and Change for Humpty Dumpty
Healing Souls Touching Hearts
Listening For Heavens Sake
Free Downloads available at Sweetenlife.com
The Impossible Dream - Family Harmony in Everyday Stress by Dr.
Gary Sweeten and Cyndi Wineinger
How to Have a Peaceful Heart in a Stressful World by Dr. Gary
Sweeten and Cyndi Wineinger
Generation to Generation by Dr. Gary Sweeten
161
At SweetenLife, one of our main concerns is discovering ways we can support families who have a
child with a chronic special need. The Hatton Foundation of Cincinnati provided a generous grant to
Sweeten Life to conduct a yearlong, in depth study to investigate their strengths, needs and best prac-
tices. The research provided many insights and revelations. Some key points are:
1. Hardly anyone, doctor, educator, counselor, physical therapist or minister had visited the
family or seen them in a natural environment.
2. Hardly anyone had asked the parents and other care givers how they were faring emotion-
ally, relationally, spiritually or physically.
3. The parents and care givers were almost never asked for insights about their childs behav-
ior or reactions to treatment, education, medication or patterns of behavior.
4. Despite having insights about successful ways to rear a child with special needs, there was
no platform to share their best practices.
5. No one asked if the parents were receiving emotional and spiritual support.
6. No one asked about what stresses them or brings them peace
7. No one asked about helping with the overwhelming daily tasks.
These results indicate the places churches and community groups can be very useful and helpful to
these families without having to get advanced training. Sweeten Life VIP Family Care will network
with those organizations already involved in supporting families and develop supportive materials to
enhance their work. Come in to see what we have already developed for interested parties and get a
taste of what great things are coming.
Can you and your family
bene it from the Sweeten Life
VIP Family Care Self Assess-
ment? Score the 10 questions
on the Snap Shot Assessment
and see for yourself.
VIP Family Care SnapShot App 1.0

Can you and your family benefit from the Sweeten Life VIP Family Care Resources? Score these 10 questions and see
for yourself.
1.Caring for my familys needs (circle 1 number closest to your situation)
We take care of all my familys needs
We routinely allow others to help us

1
2.Getting the resources my disabled family member needs

We easily get what our disabled family member needs
1
We must fight for everything our disabled family

member needs
We dont have time or patience to plan ahead, life is too

chaotic
We work until we are physically and emotionally

exhausted
3.Planning ahead
We always plan ahead and are very organized
4.Physical & Mental effects of Work

We get our work done and still feel good both
physically and mentally
5. Caring for our spiritual needs

We have the time, resources and relationships to care
for our familys spiritual needs
We do not have the time and relationships to care for

our familys spiritual needs
1
6. Family relationships
We have the time, skills, and resources to build and
maintain great family relationships
We do not have the time, skills, and resources to build

& maintain great family relationships
1
7. Circle of great friendships

We have a circle of great friendships that care for us
We do not have a circle of great friendships that care

for us
8. Great support system that is working well

We have a great support system (medical,
educational, etc.)
We have a poor support system
9. Mom has the personal support she needs

Mom has the support system she needs
Mom does not have the support system she needs
10. Dad has the personal support he needs

Dad has the support system he needs
Dad does not have the support system he needs
Add up your score for the 10 items. If your score is ____________
21 - 35
You and your family are feeling good about the 10 Quality of Life measures on the SnapShot. You have probably learned some
personal and family skills that other families can benefit from. Have you thought about sharing those skills with others?
Have you identified one or more of the Quality of Life measures that you would like to focus on improving over the next year? Reaching
out to resources and sharing your needs with those that want to help can be a great first step toward improvements. Youll find
additional helping resources from Joni and Friends, online at SweetenLife.com, and from family members and friends in the community.
36 - 50
Have you identified several of the Quality of Life measures that you would like to focus on improving over the next year? Reaching out to
resources and sharing your needs with those that want to help can be a great first step toward improvements. Youll find additional
helping resources from Joni and Friends, online at SweetenLife.com, and from family members and friends in the community.
10 20

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How To Be Me In My Family Tree

Copyright 2012 by Gary R. Sweeten

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

Dempsey Family, Tom, Nannie and Belle, circa 1904

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

Free Will Baptist Pastors at Tamaroa, Il in1903. T.J. in middle

Rev. T.J. Dempsey and flock. The date is unknown

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

Sing to God, sing in praise of his name,

God sets the lonely in families,

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

Mend the broken hearted

Mobilize Christians for service, caring, sharing, and loving ministry

Master the Bible and spiritual teaching

If you wanted to be an influential Christian, would you desire to:

Witness to thousands of people about Jesus?

Build a big congregation with many campuses and movie screens?

Disciple/equip a few people deeply?

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

Chapter 1 Biblical Foundations: Creation

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

The Image As Ambassador

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

The servant/heralds are given the right to reproduce forever.

Provision of food is promised like it would be to any ambassador.

Created Male and Female

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

A Summary of Creation Ordinances with Implications for Families Today

Fallen Nature and Family Life

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

A Summary of Fallen Characteristics

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

Chapter 2 Capturing a Family History with

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

Historical family: Our heritage from grandparents to great-grandparents on.

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

Adoption into a family

The child will not develop emotional maturity.

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

Enmeshed or fused children do not leave mother and father.

How to Be Me in My Family Tree

Enmeshed Father-Child with conflict

Fathers abuse of daughter