4

Session Four

Great Communication:
Love, Respect, and Empathy

In the last chapter, we looked at how each of us is wired uniquelyso much so that our personality
differences can make us feel like we are from different countries. Some of us may feel like were from
different planets!
We noted that people from different countries speak different languages. They have different customs,
different cultures and perspectives. And thats not just true about personalities. The same is true of how
we give, receive, and communicate the language of love.
If youve been with your partner any length of time, you know by now that real love takes real work
to maintain it. A young Hollywood starlet was recently quoted in a national magazine, saying, If you
really love someone, you shouldnt have to work at it. If thats the prevailing mindset in our culture,
no wonder our divorce rates are as high as they are! The reality is, if you really love someone, you will
do everything in your power to demonstrate itand to make it last.
The backbone of any relationship is communication. Effective communication is more than just words,
many times our actions communicate more poignantly. Values and commitment should be followed
up with action. Good communication includes many things:
Talking
Listening
Freely expressing thoughts, opinions, and feelings
Honestly and respectfully giving and receiving feedback
Understanding and being understood
Demonstrating selfless love
Recognizing and receiving expressions of love and affection
Copyright 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved.

35

There are a number of factors that significantly affect a couples ability to

communicate, and to give and receive
expressions of love. However, the three
most important factors to recognize
are: you and your spouses personality,
patterns, and past. Personality is the
basic hardwiring of who each partner
is at his or her core. Patterns are the established skill set that each person has
developed (or may possibly be lacking)
that enables him/her to speak and listen to other people effectively. The
third factor is the pastthe way each
partner has been shaped by his or her
previous experiences of relationships,
including (and especially) in his/her
family of origin.
We talked about personality in the last chapter. In this session of Oxygen for Your Relationships, were
going to look at how your patterns and your past contribute to your communication styleand how
you can overcome both to enhance communication and intimacy in your relationship.

Developing Empathy
If you do not know a great deal about how your partner was raised and the nature (and quality) of his/
her primary relationships, now is a great time to learn. You may not always like how your husband or
wife behaves under stress or in a crisis. But when you understand why he or she is reacting or behaving
in a certain way, you can better communicate with him or her to find a solution.
To really understand a persons patterns and past, you need to step back from the urge to judge and
criticize. Instead, learn to empathize.
Well say it again, just for emphasis: EMPATHIZE, not CRITICIZE!
The difference between sympathy and empathy is this: sympathy=compassion for someones situation;
empathy=understanding and relating to someones emotions and feelings; reaching inside yourself to
feel what the other person is feeling.

empathy

noun \em-p-th\
1: the action of understanding, being aware of, being
sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings,
thoughts, and experience of another without having the
feelings, thoughts and experience fully communicated
in an objectively explicit manner.

36

Copyright 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved.

Empathizing with Your Partners Rootsand Understanding Your Own

Developing an understanding of a persons pastwhether your own or that of your partneris much
like studying the root system of a tree. Just looking at a majestic tree, you can sense its history and
strength, but the truly amazing part is the area you cant see: its root system.
A trees roots transfer moisture, minerals, and oxygen to the tree, bringing it life. Similarly, we are all
impacted by our personal root system. The values, modes of communication, safety and security, love
(or lack of love) in our childhood and developmental years affect our current relationships.
So, in this section of Oxygen, welcome to Horticulture 101!
There are many different kinds of tree roots, but for our purposes we will look at four main types that
will help us to understand the way we were imprinted as children to receive and respond to love:
Now, lets take this analogy of a trees root system and apply it to your marriage:

The Feeder Roots

The primary function of feeder
roots is to do just thatfeed
the tree. They lie just below the
surface of the soil, in the upper
few inches.

The Anchor Roots

These are large lateral roots that
support and anchor the tree.
They provide the framework for
the entire root system and the
foundation for the tree.

The Investment Roots

(striker roots)
These provide backup. They often
form a second layer deeper down
in the soil and store extra food
and water for the tree.

Copyright 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved.

The Wounded Root

(adventitious root)
This root is a mystery. Horticulturalists have not yet been able
to target what causes its growth.
They do know however, that a
wounded root forms spontaneously and seems to develop
because of injury.

37

THE ROOTS
The Feeder Roots in your marriage are the results of the seeds you have
sown into your relationship. These are the values and communication
patterns/behaviors you have accumulated and incorporated into your life and
relationships, based on such things as your personality, heart motivation, and
ability to empathize. These give your relationship the oxygen it needs and are
what continues to spur growth in your marriage.
The Anchor Roots in your marriage are how YOU came to be. These are
your foundation and family of originyour learned relationship patterns.
As we all know, past and patterns vary greatly for each person. Some people
may have had a stable, loving environment; others may have had a volatile
environment growing up where anger, lack of stability, and, for some, even
abuse occurred. No matter what your upbringing, it is important to realize
how those experiences have impacted your life and are impacting your marriage today. Every family has specific modes of operation and its own unique
functions and dysfunctions. The important thing to understand is that these
roots do affect your marriage and family now.

Investment Roots are secondary roots that provide extra support and
nutrients. For someone who has faced tough issues or did not have the
easiest of childhoods or family systems, Investment Roots are crucial to the
success of your marriage. Taking time to work through past hurts and be
present in the moment will help you be even more effective in your current
relationship. The more we understand about where we have come from,
the better perspective we have.
This brings us to the most amazing and exciting part of the tree root system:
the Wounded Root (i.e., adventitious root). Horticulturalists claim that
these roots grow due to injury in the root system. We have all heard the old
saying, What doesnt kill you makes you stronger; apparently trees feel the
same way. They turn their injury into strength. This is also a key to creating
the lasting relationship we want and deserve.

The
problem with communication
is the illusion that it has been accomplished.
~George Bernard Shaw
38

Copyright 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved.

Reflecting on Your Roots

So, you may ask, I didnt have the best childhooddoes that mean I cant have a good marriage?
Absolutely not! You can change old patterns and choose to grow new roots: Investment Roots. One
way to increase your Investment Roots is to spend time personally looking at the patterns and experiences of your upbringing, and the modes of communication used in your household of origin.
Some of you may be saying, Oh no, I have become my mom/dad. That can be a good thing for some;
for others maybe not. But there is good news. You can bring about change and make new patterns for
your marriage, family, children, and future generations. That is the reason you are here today, giving
new Oxygen to your relationship. You have already started to grow and put down new rootsgood
for you!
Do a persons childhood and Anchor Roots have an effect on how he or she processes current relationships? YES! Does it have to define him (or her)? NO! As we continue to work hard on our marriage
and work against some of the negative inheritance or dysfunction we may have witnessed growing
up, it does one thingit helps us grows new roots. And guess what: They make us STRONGER.1

A powerful resource for looking at your upbringing and recognizing the impact it has in
your current relationship is the book How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. We strongly
recommend this as a resource for your relationship. If your childhood was especially tumultuous we would suggest going through it with a counselor or trusted friend/advisor. The
more we know and understand about our history, the greater perspective we will have as
we move into our future. Making sure you have a solid root system will ensure that when
the storms comeand we all know they willyour marriage will be the tree that is still
standing despite the odds: big, beautiful, and strong!

The Art of Knowing

The fruit of empathy is that the person who is
feeling heard also feels known. To know and be
knownand fully accepted in that knowledgeis
the deepest and truest sense of belonging. That is
the root of true bonding and deep intimacy.
In order to practice the art of knowing, you
must first learn the art of listening. Most of us
tend to be passive listeners, picking up only
those things that have some direct bearing on
me rather than listening to how things are
for our partner. Steven Covey, author of The 7
Habits of Highly Effective People, states that to
be an effective communicator, First seek to understand and then to be understood.
Copyright 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved.

39

As poor listeners, we tend to interrupt, wait for openings to make a counter point, and think about
what we will say when the other person finishes talking. (Does this sound familiar?)
Listening with empathy is a learned skill, not something we develop automatically. The two crucial
ingredients we need to develop are:

UNDIVIDED
ATTENTION:

Being fully present for your partner and not distracted by

either the cares of the day or emotionally checked-out in
your nothing box.

EMPATHY:

Seeking to understand what your partners thoughts and

feelings mean to him or her. You are simply acknowledging
and affirming that this is important to your partner. Whether you agree or not, resist the temptation to search for the
effect of your partners words on you. Put yourself in his
or her shoes. Notice his/her emotions, facial expressions,
level of tensionchoose to try and feel what your partner
feels.

Most of us tend to add our own agenda to what is said or change its meaning altogether. But when
we do this, we are not offering our partners the courtesy of truly listening to what they say. This goes
back to the its all about me problem mentioned earlier. We all suffer from it. The key is learning
to get over it in the best interests of our partnerand our relationship.
Its been said that the greatest impediment
to good listening is our self-interest and selfprotective mechanisms. So heres an exercise
to help with that: Instead of listening to look
for openings to get your own point across,
be willing to listen solely to understand what
your partner thinks, means, and feelsNOT to
judge, rebut, advise, or contradict.
Make a choice to silence your critical voice and
focus entirely on what your partner is trying to
tell you. You may find yourself hearing things
you never allowed yourself to hear before.
Learn to identify with what your partner is feeling, even if its not your own experience. Thats
part of good communication. And its an essential part of demonstrating authentic love.

40

Copyright 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved.

Using the Couplelogue

The Couplelogue technique enables you to share the meaning of what you heard and validate that
you HEARD what your partner MEANT. There are three reasons you might want to have a Couplelogue:
1. You want to be listened to and understood.
2. You are upset about something and want to discuss it with your spouse.
3. You want to discuss a topic you think might be touchy.

Part 1: Mirroring (The Listening Level)

Step One:
Ask permission of your spouse to have a Couplelogue. If your partner declines, initiate setting a time
and reschedule; do not let more than 24 hours pass by if possible.
Step Two:
The partner who raised the issue begins by stating the message as simply as possible. Speak in SHORT
sentences so your partner can remember everything that was said.
Speak using I statements. Be as direct and concise as possible.
The listeners job is to do only that: LISTEN! The listener will have an opportunity to respond
later on.
The listener gives feedback (mirrors) what she/he has heard, being careful not to add or leave
anything out.
After the message is given, the listener responds, using a two-part mirroring process:
a. What I heard you say is...
b. Am I mirroring you accurately?
Make sure each person gets a chance to be the speaker!
NOTE: Never assume you
know something unless
it is clearly stated by your
partner. Ask for clarification if you are not clear
on something or if you
find yourself mentally or
verbally filling in blanks
for your partner. Keep all
deflecting modes of communication out of the
equation. Guard against
sarcasm, interruption, rolling eyesthe goal is to find
mutual understanding.
Copyright 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved.

41

Stuck?

Good communication flows from the Couplelogue model.

But if youve not communicated this way before, it may feel
unnatural at first.
Here is an example of an effective Couplelogue between
Kate and Kevin:
Kevin
Kate

Hey Kate, can we sit down and talk for a few minutes tonight? I have some things
to share regarding how Ive been feeling lately.
Yeah, lets talk right now. Whats up?

Kevin

Well, lately I dont feel valued for the work I put in to take care of our family. I feel
like I only hear about what Im not doing right.

Kate

I think you are saying that you feel like I am taking you for granted and that I dont
value what you do for us.

Kevin

Yes, and it hurts to be told what Im not doing right rather than what I am doing to
support us.

Kate

You think Im a nag and that I dont love you.

(This is a statement to avoid an ineffective communication technique. Try to stay away
from labeling yourself or your partner and do not make reactionary and generalized
statements.)

Kevin

No, that is not what I said. I know you love me and I dont see you as a nag, but I do
feel like I could use more appreciation and respect for what I do offer.

Kate

OK. I hear you saying that you need more encouragement, appreciation, and respect
in what I am saying to you.

Kevin

Yes, thank you for hearing me. Thats all for me. What are YOU feeling?
(Now its Kates turn to share)

Kate
Kevin
Kate
Kevin

You feel like I am not valuing you and that I am focused on work.
Yes, and I guess this has impacted what I am communicating with you. I am really
tired.
You are tired and feel like my work is more important than you.

Kate

Yes, I am very tired but no, I do not feel like your work is more important than me.
More so, its that you seem to give it more attention than you give me.

Kevin

Kevin: You make a good point. I have been really busy lately, I can see how your
feelings could get hurt.

Kate
42

I have been feeling very taken for granted lately. I am here all day with the kids and
I feel like work is the only thing that you care about.

I think this may be why I have been negative lately; I really miss you. Thats all.
Copyright 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved.

As you can see, Kate and Kevin took a frustrating situation and were able to make their communication come full circle by sharing, listening, and empathizing with each other.
In the end, a deeper issue was revealed. Kevin had no idea that his work and how busy he is was making Kate feel lonely. And Kate didnt realize that her frustration was coming out so strongly toward
Kevin in her communication. This is the beauty of the Couplelogue!
Important Tips for Using the Couplelogue Model:
Talk about yourself (your experiences, and your feelings), use I rather than you statements. (i.e.,
I feel like Im not important when I dont hear from you at all during the day rather than You
never call me.)
If the listeners response or body language is making you uncomfortable, speak up honestly about
what you are seeing and how it makes you feel. For example, Im not feeling safe because your
tone of voice sounds angry and defensive.
If you start to feel angry yourself, excuse yourself for a time-out. Dont resort to name-calling
or accusing. This is never acceptable in any communication. Learn to walk away and compose
yourself if you feel those emotions rising up in you.
Use feeling words to help explain your experience. (See page 107 of the Appendix for a list of feeling words you might use.)

Part 2: Validation (The Thought Level)

Step One:
When he or she is finished communicating everything on his/her heart, the speaker says,
That is all.
Step Two:
When the speaker says That is all, the listener
responds, I heard you, thank you for sharing,
and/or one of the statements below, validating
the speaker. (Validation is when the listener lets
the speaker know his or her communication is
understood and the listener affirms the speaker.
Very important: This is crucial whether you agree
or not.)
Examples of validation:
I can understand how you would think that
I see why that bothers you
Wow, you are really excited about what happened today
You made a very good point about
I would probably be upset, too, if that had
happened to me
Copyright 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved.

43

Keep Your Listening Ears On!

If youre the listener, you job is to do just that: open you ears and close your mouth! Dont
defend yourself, argue, problem-solve, or explain. You dont have to agree. You just have to
listen. Here are some ways to help you do that:
Focus on the speakers experiences and feelings, not yours.
Dont be defensive. When youre defensive, you dont listen well. Remember the speaker
is his or her own person with a right to his/her own opinions and feelings.
Watch your body language. Dont sigh, cross your arms, or roll your eyes. Be respectful
in tone and appearance. Maintain eye contact with the speaker and affirm his or her
efforts to communicate with you.
If you forget easily and need to make some notes so you know what to respond to, do so.
But keep them brief and keep eye contact with the speaker. This is also why it is important
to keep your statements short so the receiver doesnt get lost. Let your partner know that
his or her feelings are very important to you.

Part 3: Empathy (The Feeling Level)

Empathy is the process of reflecting or imagining the feelings the sending spouse is experiencing
about the event or the situation being reported. This deeper level of connecting with your spouse
attempts to recognize, reach into and, on some level, experience the emotion of the speaker.
Empathy allows both spouses to transcend,
perhaps for a moment, their separateness and
to connect at a heart level. This has remarkable healing power.
Step One:
The listener expresses empathy to the speaker
about the issues he/she has raised
Ways to communicate empathy:
I can imagine you might be feeling/might
have felt
When you experience that, I hear you saying you feel
I understand you feel
It sounds as if you feel
If I were in your shoes, I might feelDo you
feel like that?

44

Copyright 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved.

Make some guesses as to what the speaker is or was feeling. Try to identify feelings in one word (e.g.,
angry, confused, sad, upset) If your guess entails more than one word, it is probably a thought, not a
feeling. For example, You feel you dont want to go with me is a thought and not a feeling.
Dont be overconfident in your empathy. One never knows for sure what another person is feeling!
Its always wise (and humble and respectful) to check out your guesses by saying:
Is that what you are/were feeling?
The goal is for the listener to reflect and relate personally to the speakers message, thoughts,
and feelings. When the speakers complete message is transmitted and understood, the process is
reversed. The listener has the opportunity to be the speaker, and it is the speakers turn to be the
listener.

Part 1:

Mirroring
(The Listening Level)

Part 2:

Validation
(The Thought Level)

Part 3:

Empathy
(The Feeling Level)

Final Result:
You will be poised to experience greater
healing and increased intimacy as a couple.

Copyright 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved.

45

The 3 Rs to better understanding your spouse

Speaking Each Others Language

Understanding how to live with those from Control Country

As you learn to understand and relate to one another with empathy, based on your country, your
Countryrules,
residents
are Three
all about:
it need
doneto remember something
motivations,Control
your relational
and your
Rs,Getting
you both
VERY important: These principles you are learning are meant to help you understand, love, and serve
Their Greatest Need: To be appreciated
one another. They are not for the purpose of manipulating the other person to accommodate you,
but rather to help
you learn
to modify
your own behaviors to accommodate him or her. In essence,
Favorite
Vehicle:
Bulldozer
you are learning to speak the same language so you can hear, understand, and bring reassurance
Favorite Environment: Conducting the orchestra, always in the lead and usually running th
to one another.

getfor
it done,
appreciate,
accomplish,
achieve
When each of Language:
you does thisGrasp,
selflessly,
the benefit
of the other,
the results
will be transformational.
Well talk more
about
that Impatient
in a later chapter.
But but
for now,
simply intense,
keep it inquick
mind words,
that being
otherTheir
voice:
tone, talk
not listen,
abrupt
and to the poin
centered in this process will put more Oxygen back into your relationship than you ever dreamed
possible.
At their best: Born leader, tons of confidence, goal setter, independent, bold, quick to action
theirtoworst:
Bossy,
demanding,
know itthink
all, arrogant,
quick-tempered
Here are someAtthings
keep in
mind impatient,
about how the
various countries
and respond
that will
help you communicate more empathetically and selflessly:
How To Respond to Control Country
Be firm and direct
How to
Respond
Focus to
onControl
actionsCountry
and goals
Be firm and direct
on
Caring
confrontation
may be necessary
Focus
actions
and goals
their attention
Caring confrontation
may be
necessary to get their attention

How to Relate to Control Country

How to
Relate
to Control
Be brief
and toCountry
the point
Be brief and to the point
Explain
togoals
achieve goals
Explain
how to How
achieve
Allow them time to consider your
Allow them time to consider your ideas
ideas

How to Reinforce the Control Country

How to Reinforce Control Country

Offer appreciation
this is their greatest
Offerappreciationthis
is their
greatest need
Give bottom
- line instructions
Givebottom-line
instructions
Get
outGet
of their
out way
of their way
How to Build a Better Relationship with Control Country
If you are from Control Country: Continue to talk straight with them, but know when to
back off.
If you are from Fun Country: Modify your need for a totally unstructured environment.
If you are from Peace Country: Be willing to risk change and security.
If you are
22 from Perfect Country: Be willing to modify your rules and structure if it
doesnt sacrifice quality.

46

Copyright 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved.

Be specific and accurate

Make allowance for initial response to be cautious and/or negative

elationship
thequestions
Perfect Country
Allow
freedomwith
to ask
How to Respond to Perfect Country
em involves
change,
we shouldnt expect them to make a
relate
to Perfect
Country
Beabout
specific
allow them time to think
it. and accurate
allowance
for initialmanner
response
Answer
questions in aMake
patient
and persistent
tle structure in our life wont hurt us.
to be cautious and/or negative
Mix
accurate
information
with
assurances
more
Allow
freedom
askquestions.
questions
sitivity
levels and
being
patient
withto
their

position,
whether
its popular
or not.
Allow
time
to validate
information
How to Relate to Perfect Country
you to know
are questions
under stress
reinforce
the when
Perfect
Country
they
Answer
in a patient and
persistent
with
my thoughts
until I am
ready tomanner
speak.
I need time to
Provide
a step-by-step
approach
to a goal
Mix accurate information with assurances
d me; allow me quiet time.
ofAllow
time to validate information
Provide
reassurance
support
o express
my true feelings
and understand that they are

t of view, but dont expect or demand me to agree with you

Give permission to validate data with third parties

How to Reinforce Perfect Country

Provide
step-by-step
to a goal
t me getcountries
off by myselfhad
and
give
meathe
freedom
toapproach
talk with
other
to say
about
Perfect
Country
Provide reassurance of support
Country: It is difficult
providing
the kind
of detail
they
Give
permission
to validate
data
with third parties
gs,
but dont
judge their
me forquestions.
them. Be patient with me." Help
order
to satisfy

mething to do, but reassure me as to how you will support

Build
a Better
Relationship with Perfect Country
untry: To patientlyHow
dealto
with
all their
questions

If
you
are
from
Control
Country: If your plan to include him or her involves change, you
getting defensive. Sometimes we just respond
expect
a decision right away. The loving thing is to allow time for processing.
ose
from Peace
intending
to be Country
takenshouldnt
seriously,
but Perfect
be
If you
are fromcommitment.
Fun Country: Submit to the fact that a little structure in your life wont
s take everything to
a concrete
tting along
hurt you.
ountry: Consistency in understanding their sensitivity levels.
If you are from Peace Country: Understand his or her sensitivity levels and be more patient
with ourselves
his/her questions.
Country: Being able to
forgive
and lower our expectations.
If you are from Perfect Country: Let the other Perfect Country state his or her position,
ve
whether its popular or not (or whether you agree with it or not).
maintenance,

25

ur comments,
ws in voice, very

How to Respond to Peace Country

Be non-threatening and patient
Allow time to process and adjust to change
Make allowances for family

ty, patient, good

otivated, indecisive, resists change, cant be pushed

o change

How to Relate to Peace Country

Use friendly tones when instructing
Give personal, nonverbal acceptance and
assurances
Allow time to process information
How to Reinforce Peace Country
Repeat any instructions
Provide hands-on reinforcement
Be patient in allowing time to take
ownership

Copyright 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved.

47

untry would want you to know about them when they are

lk to me about what you want me to do and not about abstract feelings.

Howand
to Build
Better
Relationship
with
Peace
Country
y: Listen to me
thenaask
questions.
If I get
too
loud,
its OK to hit me with a
If you are from Control Country: Back off from your need to have immediate answers
times!

and working within their pace.

rceful and loud.
I may
express
some
radical
options
thatin Idrawing
really dont
mean, so
If
you are
from Fun
Country:
Be more
patient
them out.
eriously.
If you are from Peace Country: Patiently listen as they try to give their insights.
If you are from Perfect Country: Be more patient in knowing you wont get a lot of feedntry: Give me the
opportunity
to think
issues
expecting
me and Peace
back
from them. You
have a through
tendency to
desirebefore
a great deal
of information,
Country folk are not in the habit of sharing that much.

need correction, give me affirmation, then correct the actionbut dont make it a

ow to live with those from Fun Country

nts are all about: Having fun

Howthey
to Respond
oval for the way
act to Fun Country

Be friendly and positive

Allow for informal dialogue
Allow time for stimulating and
nt: Being aroundfun
people
activities

plane

appy, good time, funny, great

How to Relate to Fun Country
Use friendly
voice tones
n the phone, humor
in everything,

Allow
time
for
them to verbalize their
and highs.
feelings

siastic, optimistic,
Youinspirational,
transfer talk togreat
an action plan
es people, sincere
How to Reinforce
Fun Country
too much, exaggerates,
phony,

Offer positive encouragement and

ciplined, distractible

incentives for taking on tasks

You organize the action plan
Communicate positive recognition

23

How to Build a Better Relationship with Fun Country

If you are from Control Country: Be willing to accept the fact that Fun Country desires
to build relationships first and that goals may be of secondary importance. His or her
bottom line is not the same as yours.
If you are from Fun Country: You need to be willing to share the stage with another Fun
Country and not be threatened by it.
If you are from Peace Country: You need to be willing to take risks allowing your Fun Country spouse to participate in activities that dont make sense to you. Be willing to break your
routine and try something different with him or her.
If you are from Perfect Country: Be willing to lower your expectations and modify your
demand for perfection. You have a tendency to try to build a rigid structure around the
Fun Country and it doesnt work.
48

Copyright 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved.

Br
Breakout Exercise

Breakout: Create a Wish List

In this exercise, you will individually make a wish list of things you would
like more or less of in your relationship. Then you will take turns sharing
your wish lists with each other.
Use the Couplelogue model you learned in this session to help guide
your discussion.

When you share your wish list with your partner, you will be demonstrating your commitment to
communicate honestly and respectfully with your spouse. In giving feedback to your partner about
his/her wish list, you will be demonstrating your listening and empathy skills, and your ability to
speak his/her language.
Make a wish list of three things you would like more or less of in your relationship.
1. _________________________________________________________________________
2. _________________________________________________________________________
3. _________________________________________________________________________

Alternative Discussion
You may not want to start with the hot spots of your relationship. If you are de-vitalized or feeling
conflicted in your relationship, identify some strengths in your marriage and use the Couplelogue to
talk about some things that are going right. Make a list of three things that you value about your
marriage to your partner. Use this to build your discussion. Instead of starting with I wish you will
start your statements with I value You can still practice speaking, listening, and empathizing with
these affirmations.

Couple Discussion
Take turns sharing your wish list with each other.
Speakers Job

COUPLE DISCUSSION

Speak for yourself (use I statements, i.e., I wish...).

Describe how you would feel if your wish(es) came true.

Listeners Job
Repeat/summarize what you heard.
Describe your spouses wish by repeating it back to him or her, mentioning how your partner said
he/she would feel if the wish came true.
Copyright 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved.

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After completing the Wish List Exercise, discuss the following questions:
How good were each of you at communicating honestly?
How good were each of you at listening patiently until the other was finished speaking?
In what ways did you each effectively demonstrate empathy?
Above and Beyond:
Try this exercise at home, over and over again. When it becomes more comfortable, you can use the
Couplelogue any time you want to discuss an issue that may cause stress in your relationship. It can
be a safe way for you to have difficult conversations.
Here are a few more pointers:
1. When initiating a Couplelogue, make a clear statement about your desire to talk about ONE TOPIC.
For example, I need to talk to you about the monthly finances. Dont hint, (Maybe we could
spend some time together) and dont drop bombs, (Well, the bank is going to take the house this
month).
2. Be respectful of the other persons time and interest. Ask, When would be a good time for you
to discuss this?
3. Learn to ask one another, What do you need from me right now? In the Empathy Phase, this is
particularly helpful. Your spouse will be encouraged knowing you understand, but going the extra
mile might mean showing reassurance (Everything will be okay), forgiveness (I forgive you),
or sometimes comfort (e.g., holding him/her).

Not Feeling It Yet? No Worries!

If it doesnt feel to you like this exercise worked, dont worry! Good communication takes
practice, practice, and more practice. Long-term marriages that are thriving have spent a
lifetime perfecting these skills and they didnt learn it the first time either!
There are resources available to help you learn the Couplelogue. You can request this by logging
into your online membership at www.oxygenseminar.com. Stronger Families is here to help!

50

Copyright 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved.

Action Plan

Action Plan

This exercise should be done first apart, then together. On your own,
reflect on the following questions. Write your answers in the space
provided below.

AP

How did your family handle conflict?

_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
What emotions were expressed?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
Did you feel valued and loved?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
When stress was present, what was your parents reaction?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
How did your parents interact? Did they show affection, raise their voices, show rage or anger,
withdraw?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
Copyright 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved.

51

Now look at your own, current marriage relationship, and reflect on the following questions.
Again, write your answers in the space below.
How do you handle conflict with your spouse?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
What emotions do you express most regularly?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
Do you feel insecure in your relationship?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
What is your reaction in stressful times?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
How do you and your spouse interact? Do you show affection? When you communicate, do you
raise your voices, show anger or rage, withdraw?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
The chances are that when you look at your family system of communication and methods
of conflict resolution, there are some parallels. This may give you some insight into why you
communicate and or behave the way you do.
Get together with your spouse and share your answers with one another (do it together, dont
just hand off your workbook and walk away). As you each share, you will have the opportunity
to empathize with one another, thus creating a deeper intimacy.
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Copyright 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved.