Oh What A Lovely War Crib Sheet

Stand in choir formation, back row.

Sing WW1 Medley with copies.
Put files away and move to CS, sit by Rhodri
Row, row, row
Young Johnny Jones he had a cute little boat.
And all the girlies he would take for a float.
He had girlies on the shore.
Sweet little peaches, by the score.
But master Johnny was a wise un you know,
His steady girl was Flo.
And every Sunday afternoon,
Shed jump in his boat, and they would spoon.
(Get up and stand in line) (rowing RH first)
And then hed row, row, row,
Way up the river he would row, row, row,
A hug hed give her,
Then hed kiss her now and then,
She would tell him when,
Theyd fool around, and fool around,
And then theyd kiss again,
And then hed row, row, row,
A little further he would row, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Then hed drop both his oars,
Take a few more encores,
And then hed row, row, row.
(Move right)
And then hed row, row, row,
Way up the river he would row, row, row,
A hug hed give her,
Then hed kiss her now and then,
She would tell him when,

Theyd fool around, and fool around,

And then theyd kiss again,
And then hed row, row, row,
A little further he would row, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Then hed drop both his oars,
Take a round of applause,
And then well go, go, go.
(Move off DSR) (Short Exit)
(MC talks for a bit, listen for Good. Milords, Ladies and gentlemen, we will now
perform for you the ever popular War Game!)
(Come on, marching to the music, following Aled)
(Come to a stop, standing by Aled, L of C)
(Listen for Aled: But if you threaten us, then we have the supreme deterrent,
which we will not hesitate to use)
(During dialogue, move towards DSL, then across the front to finish DSR)
The German Army will win this battle by an envelopment of the right wing, and
let the last man brush the Channel with his sleeve.
Kaiser: Violate the neutrality of Belgium and the Netherlands?
World power or downfall. Liege twelve days after mobilisation M-Day. Brussels
M.19, French frontier M.22, and we will enter Paris at 11.30 on the morning of
M.39. I send all the best brains in the War college into the Railway Section.
Kaiser: And the Russians.
They will not be ready until 1916. (Face audience, standing DSR)
(Dialogue, Frenchman, then Russian, then British. Listen for Rhi: SARAJEVO.
Move to USC, pub scene. Interact, wait for Rhodri to be marched off, then This
means war. Exit USL) (Short Exit)
Business women
Cast on for train scene
Wait for Until further notice, there will be no more passenger trains leaving this
station.
(Come on USL, walk behind Aled along front of the stage)
Kaiser:...England, France & Russia have conspired together for our annihilation.
France has mobilised, Your majesty.
Kaiser: We have run our heads into a noose. England?
They have not yet made up their minds.

Kaiser: Abandon the plan.

It is too late. The wheels are already in motion.
(Kaiser speaks, then Frenchman (Richard), Englishman (Alex), Luxembourg
(Dylan), Kaiser (Aled))
English Soldier: No it is a mistake.
Advance into Luxembourg.
(On blimey, theyve crossed into Belgium after all, go off DSR, change coat to
green.)
(Enter when music starts, stand just DSL of C. Rhi sings to you. Exit DSR,
change coat to dark) (VERY Short Exit)
(Enter on change of music, riding a horse!)
Bonjour, mes-amis!
Soldier: Bonjour, mon capitaine.
Il fait beau pour la chassevive la republique!
Soldier: En avant
Maintenant mes amis
Soldier: Ah oui!
Pour la gloire!
Solidier: Charge (charge forward, die on floor)
(Jane sings Kibosh on Kaiser, get up on First stop Paris, but he hasnt got there
yet)
When Belgium put the kibosh on the Kaiser,
Europe took a stick and made him sore.
On his throne it hurts to sit,
And when John Bull starts to hit,
He will never sit upon it anymore.
(On knees DSC, face US for 2nd verse)
Oh, Belgium put the kibosh on the Kaiser,
Europe took a stick and made him sore.
And if Turkey makes a stand,
Theyll get gurkhad and japanned,
And it wont be Hoch the Kaiser anymore.
(Stand in lines, R of C, turn to face US at end of 3 rd verse)

For Belgium put the kibosh on the Kaiser,

Europe took a stick and made him sore.
We shall shout for victrys joy,
Hold your hand out, naughty boy,
You must never play at soldiers anymore.
For Belgium put the kibosh on the Kaiser,
Europe took a stick and made him sore.
On his throne it hurts to sit,
And when John Bull starts to hit,
He will never sit upon it anymore.
(Follow line, sit DSL before exit)
French Officer (Richard): The cannonading goes on; whenever it stops we
hear the wounded crying from all over the woods. Two or three men go made
every day.
Nothing more terrible could be imagined; we advanced way too fast. The men
are desperately tired. I feel great pity for many of the civilian population, who
have lost everything, but they hate us. One of them fired on us; he was
immediately taken out and shot. Yesterday, we were ordered to attack the
enemy flank in a forest of beeches, but the enemy gunners saw us and opened
fire; the men were done for, the shells fell like hail.
(Exit DSL) (VERY Short Exit, swap coats to green)
(Wait for music to change, enter with gun DSL for Drill Sergeant)
**DRILL SERGEANT SCENE**
(At end, watch Sian sing song from front of stage ***Subject to change***. Exit
after song) (Long exit: Scene with Richard, Dai and Jim)
(Listen for Lovely violets. Standard, etc Enter DSL, follow at back, with a
limp)
Sergeant, then Soldier dialogue (short), listen for
Soldier: They cant do that Sarge, they aint got any.
Thank you, sergeant, carry on.
Sergeant and Corporal dialogue, listen for:
Sergeant: Excuse me, sir, if you care to step this way we have transport laid on
for you.
(Cross to SR)
Nearly home George. Thank you, sergeant.
2nd Soldier (Richard): Sir, sir, Higgins sir. B company.

Hallo, Higgins
2nd Soldier: Better than up the old Salient, eh, sir?
Indeed yes, good journey home?
2nd Soldier: Yes thank you sir.
Chin up then. See you back at the front.
(Exit DSR) (Medium Exit: End of that scene, followed by Hitchy-Koo)
(Enter SL with Aled and Dylan, dark coat)
Long dialogue, Stille Nacht, more dialogue, Christmas in Cookhouse, more
dialogue, listen for I reckon theyll put that in the gazette, What?, About
Jerry sending us a present. GET UP AND START TO MOVE TO CS.
(Meet soldiers in middle)
Aled: Hallo, Tommy
Alles gut, ja.
3rd Soldier: Thanks very much.
Bitte schurn
(2 lines then off SL)
**End of Act 1**

Act 2
Oh, oh, oh its a lovely war.
Who wouldnt be a soldier, eh?
Oh, its a shame to take the pay;
As soon as revally is gone,
We feel just as heavy as lead,
But we never get up till the sergeant
Brings our breakfast up to bed.
Oh, oh oh its a lovely war.
What do we want with eggs and ham,
When weve got plum and apple jam.
Form fours, right turn,
How do we spend the money we earn?
Oh, oh, oh its a lovely war.
Up to your waist in water, up to your eyes in slush.

Using the kind of language that makes the sergeant blush.

Who wouldnt join the army?
Thats what we all inquire;
Dont we pity the poor civilian sitting beside the fire.
Oh, oh, oh its a lovely war.
Who wouldnt be a soldier, eh?
Oh, its a shame to take the pay;
As soon as revally is gone,
We feel just as heavy as lead,
But we never get up till the sergeant
Brings our breakfast up to bed.
Oh, oh oh its a lovely war.
What do we want with eggs and ham,
When weve got plum and apple jam.
Form fours, right turn,
How do we spend the money we earn?
Oh, oh, oh its a lovely war.
(Exit USL, change to dinner jacket) (Short Exit: Girls talking, Gassed Last
Night then Sergeant and Commanding Officer scene.)
Listen for:
Nia: Heads, trunks, blood all over the place, and hes worried about a damned
leg!
USC, with Rhi
Roses are shining in Picardy in the hush of the silver moon.
Roses are shining in Picardy, but theres a never a rose like you.
And the roses will die with the summertime, and our roads may be far apart.
But theres one rose that dies not in Picardy. Tis the rose that I keep in my heart.
(When announce by Tony, walk down and stand just R of DSC)
Rhi: Isnt that Sir Douglas Haig the new man?
Yes, damned upstart. That other blighter Robertsons here too.
Rhi: Intrigue upon intrigue
Hold your tongue, Fanny.
Dialogue, listen for:

Rhi: Haig! The name rings a bell.

Whisky.
Rhi: Trade
Fraid so.
(Dialogue Richard and Dylan) Listen for:
Ann: The uniform is so becoming.
(Turn to Richard, turn back on him at how proud I am to serve)
Like to talk to my officers without interruption sometimes.
(More dialogue.) Listen for:
Myfanwy: Keeps him waiting like a lackey.
A word in your private ear, Wilson.
Wilson: Yes, sir.
Now, do take that sour expression off your face.
Wilson: Ive always understood it from you, sir, that the job was mine.
Well, its your own fault. Youre such a brute. Youll never be nice to people you
dont like. Anyhow, the days by no means lost. Youll have to make love to
Asquith when you meet him.
Wilson: none of them are friends of yours either; you know that of course.
Oh yes, quite. Anyway, Im showing them the kind of man I am. Giving
Robertson the position I marked down for you. Ive refused to mess with him
pretty good, what! Snubbing him just now in the middle of the room.
Wilson: You made your attitude pretty clear, sir.
Well, there you are then. You depend on me. Im very fond of you, Henry.
Wilson: Thank you, sir
So keep your pecker up and dont be so gloomy.
(Exit DSL) (Short Exit: One more verse of Roses Of Picardy, change from
dinner jacket to green coat)
(On DSL, creeping)
Hush, heres comes a whizzbang,
Hush, here comes a whizzbang,
Now, you soldier men, get down those stairs,
Down in your dugouts and say your prayers
Hush, here comes a whizzbang,
And its making straight for you.

And youll see all the wonders of no mans land,

If a whizzbang hits you.
(HIT THE DECK! Scene with Jim and Alex) Listen for:
Jim: Were going to walk through enemy lines
(Sing following a capella, and hum tune after last line)
Theres a long, long trail a-winding,
Into the land of my dreams.
Where the nightingale is singing,
And the white moon beams
(Hum until I feel like every step I take is guided by the divine will)
Til the day when Ill be singing down that long, long trail with you.
FebruaryVerdunTotal loss One and a half million men
Jim: This is most unsatisfactory. Where are the Sherwood Foresters? Where are
the East Lancs on the right?
Out in no mans land.
Jim: They are sluggish from too much sitting in the trenches.
Most of them sir, will never rise again.
Jim: We must break through
Regardless of the loss, sir?
Jim: The loss of say, another 300,000 men may lead to really great results.
Yes, sir
Jim: In any case, we have to calculate on another great offensive next year.
If the slackers on the Home Front see it our way, sir.
Jim: Quite.
We are rather short of men, sir
Jim: Whats left?
The new chappies from Ireland have just arrived.
Jim:and what they lack in training, theyll make up for in gallantry.
Theyve just got off the train. Most of them havent eaten for forty-eight hours.
Jim:capture the German line, without further delay.
Right boys, up and at em.
(Run off DSL) (Long Exit: Irish scene, Mrs Pankhurst, Dai singing I Dont
Want To Be A Soldier)

On at:
Tony: Quick March!
(Lead on from DSL, whistling Pop Goes The Weasel, kneel behind Jim. Washer
woman scene) Listen for:
Jim: Advance!
(March around singing)
Kaiser Bill is feeling ill,
The crown prince, hes gone barmy.
We dont give a cluck for old von Fluck
And all hi bleeding army.
Australian (offstage): Are you the reinforcements?
Yeah! On our way up to Vimy.
(2 lines)
Australian: No, coffins!
Right lads, form fours. Rum ration.
(Settle down for rest) Sing after:
British General: Runners
(Slow, a capella) One staff officer jumped right over another staff officers back.
And another staff officer jumped right over that other staff officers back.
A third staff officer jumped right over two other staff officers backs.
And a fourth staff officer jumped right over all the other staff officers backs.
They were only playing leapfrog.
They were only playing leapfrog.
They were only playing leapfrog.
When one staff officer jumped right over another staff officers back.
(Sing again, quietly, under dialogue) Listen for:
Haig: We shall attack at dawn.
Right, dig in for the night lads. Pack off.
(Settle in) Listen for:
Jim: Attack, five ack emma
(Song) If you want the old battalion,
We know where they are, we know where they are,

We know where they are.

If you want the old battalion, we know where they are,
Theyre hanging on the old barbed wire,
Weve seen them, weve seen them,
Hanging on the old barbed wire,
Weve seen them, weve seen them,
Hanging on the old barbed wire.
Jim:she was upset. Id exercised her every day for a year.
(Song) Far far from the Wipers, I long to be,
Where the German snipers, cant get at me,
Damp is my dugout, cold are my feet,
Waiting for whizzbangs to put me to sleep.
(Dialogue, Dai sings If A Sergeant steals your rum, never mind)
Jim: There must be no squeamishness over losses. Give the orders to advances
immediately.
Right, over the top boys. Jerrys doing well.
(3 lines)
2nd Soldier: So theyd know where we was.
Did you say our blokes?
2nd Soldier: Yeah
1st Soldier: Oh, I get it, so our guns dont get us before Jerry does.
(Explosion)
You stick with me lads. Ill see you through this lot. Heads down and keep
spread out.
2nd Soldier: (sings) Far far from the Wipers I long to be.
Blimey, you still here?
2nd Soldier: Yeah! Why?
I drew you in the sweep. Ive had enough of this.

2nd Soldier: Me and all.

Every man for himself
3rd Soldier: Every man for himself
2nd Soldier: See you after the war, sarg.
Yeah in the Red Lion.
1st Soldier: Eight oclock.
Make it half past.
1st Soldier: Eh?
I might be a bit late.
(Exit____) (Medium exit: Haig, British General and Junior Officer, then
Chaplain.) Listen for:
Tony: We will now sing from Hymns Ancient and Modern, number 358:
(March on from DSR)
(Song) We are Fred Karnos Army.
The ragtime infantry,
We cannot fight, we cannot shoot,
What bleeding use are we?
And when we get to Berlin,
The Kaiser he will say.
Hoch, hoch, mein Gott, what a bloody rotton lot,
Are the ragtime infantry.
Amen.
(Chaplain speaks)
(Sing) When this lousy war is over,
No more soldiering for me.
When I get my civvy clothes on,
Oh, how happy I shall be.
No more church parades on Sunday,

No more putting in for leave.

I shall kiss the sergeant major,
How Ill miss him, how hell grieve!
Amen.
(2 lines, follow Rhodri offstage)
(sing) On the wall!
(Exit DSR) (Short Exit, Tony, Rhi & Jim scene)
(Sing, wandering about) I want to go home, I want to go home,
I dont want to go to the trenches no more,
Where whizzbangs and shrapnel they whistle and roar.
Take me over the sea, where the Alleymen cant get at me.
Oh my, I dont want to die, I want to go home.
(Long speech by Jim) Listen for:
Jim: The wounded are very cheery indeed.
(sing, moving sandbags) The bells of hell go ring-a-ling-a-ling for you but not for
me.
And the little devils how they sing-a-ling-a-ling, for you but not for me.
Oh death, where is thy sting-a-ling-a-ling, Oh grave, thy victory.
The bells of hell go ting-a-ling-a-ling for you but not for me.
**May have to sing again***
(Flop to floor on explosion, lie while dialogue goes and Rhi sings her song)
(Stand in a line, read highlighted line)
Sept 20, Menin Road, British loss 22,000 men, gain 800 yards. Sept 25, Polygon
Wood, British loss 17,000 men, gain 1,000 yards.
(Exit SL) (Long exit: Lanashire Lasses, Sister Susie, After Nia goes off,
enter SL, marching)
Alors. Again, for the glory of France, prepare for the attack. En avant!...En
avant!...Are you deaf?
Soldier (Richard): Non, mon capitaine.

What is this? A mutiny?

Soldier: We think it is stupid to go into the trenches again.
You dont think you obey. If you refuse, you will be shot!
Soldier: Very well. We follow you like lambs to the slaughter.
Bon. Like lambs to the slaughter Pour la gloire de la France! En avant!
Soldiers: Baa!
Vive la Republique.
Soldiers: Baa!
En avant
All: Baa
(Exit SR) (Short exit: Richards French song) (Enter DSL, singing, move to
DSR)
I dont want to be a soldier,
I dont want to go to war,
Id rather stay at home, around the streets I roam,
And live off the earnings of a lady typist.
(Jim gives newsreel)
I dont want a bayonet in my belly,
I dont want my bollocks shot away,
Id rather stay in England,
In merry, merry England,
And fornicate my bleeding life away.

(Sing) And if they ask us, how dangerous it was,

Oh, well never tell them, no well never tell them.
We spent our pay in some caf,
And fought wild women night and day,

Twas the cushiest job we ever had.

And when they ask us, and their certainly going to ask us,
The reason why we didnt win the Croix de Guerre,
Oh, well never tell them, no well never tell them,
There was a front, but damned if we knew where.