TUESDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2015 | Year MMXV | Number 8.

2 | PRICE: YOUR FIRSTBORN CHILD

INSIDE THIS
ISSUE
KCDC Does
Happy Play,
Explodes

Peirce Lounge Too

Good for You

Student Body is
Pretty Hot Body

Newly Renamed
Moms Taxi Wont
Stand For Patriar-
chal B.S.

Frat Pranksters
Break Into Yoga
House, Mis-align
Chakras
Morose E. Wimberley 19 bids farewell to his family fortune, unwilling or unable to sacrifice his plaids.
COLLEGIATE

Tax On Plaid Bankrupts STAFF

Hannibal Lecter . . . . Kat Schrodinger

Freshman Class
Will Graham . . . . . . . . Irving Mellish
Alana Bloom . . Col. Elton P. Dramadery
Jack Crawford . . Showtime Henderson
Beverly Katz . . . . . . . . Jimmy Crispix
Bedelia du Maurier . . . . . Floyd Culkin
Brian Zeller . . . . . . . . Matches Malone

Criss-cross enthusiasts struck by economic hardship

Freddie Lounds . . . . . Jimmy Crispix
Abigail Hobbs . . . . . . Ord Dimmesdale
Miriam Lass . . . . . . . . Calvin Thrust
Chiyoh . . . . . . . . Dallas Hernandez
right to wear exactly what they had been took up their posts at the Gates of Hell and
by COL. ELTON P. DRAMADERY Frederick Chilton . . . . . Phil Tippett
wearing throughout all of high school. the entry to Peirce. Current rates for the

R
Margot Verger. . . . .Miguel ngel Kill
My father was a Brooks Brothers man, tax have been set at $5 per plaid item worn
ANSOM HALLCiting budget shouted a protest organizer into a mega- at any one given time, with an additional Mason Verger . . . . . . .[REDACTED]
concerns and fundraising difficul- penalty for clashing patterns. The Great Red Dragon . . . . . . . . .
ties, the Administration of Kenyon
Current rates for the tax
. . . . . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis
Critics of the bill have cited concerns
College voted last week to begin taxing the
that the new priciness of plaid may, in fact,
wearing of plaid on campus. The unpre-
cedented legislation has caused an uproar have been set at $5 per lead to it becoming an anti-establishment Sponsors . . . . . . . Lard Lad, Duff Gar-
dens, Krusty Burger, Globex Corpora-
symbol, or even a luxury item. Unconfir-
throughout the student body, as some
believe the financial strain placed on the
plaid item worn at any med reports suggested that a number of tion, The Springfield Nuclear Power

plaid-covered Mercedes Benz sedans may Plant, Oui Monsieur Clothing for Boys,
heaviest plaid-indulgersmembers of the
freshman classmay be too much for them
one given time, with an have been seen parked by the Delt Lodge. Laramie Cigarettes, Legitimate Business-

additional penalty for Provost Joseph Klesner explained in a mens Social Club, The Leftorium, The
to bear.
mass email to the student body that the Frying Dutchman, Barneys Bowlorama,
Its such bullshit, said Shane Matthews
19. I bought my entire wardrobe for clashing patterns. reasoning behind the new tax is to help
raise money during a difficult fiscal year,
Girdles N Such, Luigis, Expensive Bros.
Jewelry, Costingtons, I Cant Believe
college at L.L. Bean, and now this happens.
and to gently remind some of us on campus Its a Law Firm!, Dr. Nick Riviera, Com-
What the hell am I going to wear?
phone, and I have every intent of following to wear more than just J. Crew. pu-Global-Hyper-Mega-Net
Matthews sentiment seems to be echoed
in his footsteps. Kenyon will not infringe Asked if he felt that the new tax unfairly
by his classmates, who took to Peirce Lawn
upon my God-given right to look exactly targeted certain members of the student Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . .
yesterday in a demonstration against the
like everyone else my age! body, Klesner simply replied, Oh, theyll Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicho-
new tax. Waving Gap button-downs affixed
The controversial measure went into learn. n las Collegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of
to flag poles, the Freshman class marched
effect the following day, as tax collectors Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
with the stated intent of preserving their
2 THE COLLEGIATE, TUESDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2015 THE COLLEGIATE, TUESDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2015 3

NEWS Student Life Student Life NEWS

Tour Guide
Campus Asshat Diversity Above
CONTINUED FROM PAGE 2

Reprimanded luck, because the Circ-Desk has

for Overly
long been Knox Countys largest

National Average
repository of both Baseball and

Personalized UNO cards. From Micky Mantel

to a Sandy Koufax Limited Edition
Tours Rookie, youre sure to impress the
gang and make some great trades.
improve our attractiveness slovenly ilk. the bastion of asshattery on

R
by IRVING MELLISH
by [REDACTED] to the various asshat com- I juss got here a week this campus, Steinbaum Just make sure to be wearing a ball

R
munities around the country ago, an like, HOLY SHIT, said. Weve produced scores cap and ask to see the dugout.
ANSOM HALL
Discouraged by and throughout the world, Erikkson said. Theres, like, of Obscure Author Asshats, Confirmed Alibi. Weve
ANSOM HALL
stagnant statistics, Hedge added. For example, a whole section in the Peirce hundreds of Literary Snob all been thereTuesday night, a
Sources inside the
the Office of Admis- we tripled the funding to the allergy section jus fer us. Iss Asshats, well over 2,000 casual B n E, and the fuckin cops
Admissions Office
sions implemented a series lacrosse and Ultimate Frisbee Disaffected Chain-Smoker show up. Danny got pinched and
report that newly em-
teams to appeal to the Prep Asshats, and 17 Obtuse But
ployed tour-guide Jeb Rockman of updates to campus life to
encourage Asshat Diversity on School Athlete Asshats, and we We all love Well-Read Asshats in the
youre afraid hes gonna squeal?
has been reprimanded for giving Good news! The Circ-Desk has
excessively personalized tours to campus. added courses in the History
Department to encourage
Jason, said close last year alone. To suggest
anything less is frankly quite
teamed with the Writing Center
Recent surveys have placed
prospective students.
Kenyon in the 99th percentile Revisionist Asshats to realize friend Hannah offensive. to provide you with an alibi that is
both compelling and plausible.
See that bench? Thats whe- their full potential. Steinbaum said that she
re I got my first M-Path handy,
of Asshat Diversity as a result
of these changes, Admissions George Stephensen, 17, Banamahn 17, and others within the English Hermit Crab Shell. While

Anthropology Major
Rockman bellowed to the pa-
rents and adolescents reluc-
Dread fills Spitz. It is too late. How could he not have seen it before?
representatives said. president of Amnesty For
Almost Everyone, said he is
and we really Department plan to petition
President Decatur to imple-
some of us may be shy to discuss
it, its a historical truth that deca-
Weve done a lot of re-
tantly trailing behind him. Her evaluating in the past year or thrilled by these develop- tried to warn him. ment similar accommodations pods have a harder time finding
technique wasnt great, but man, ments. for English Major Asshats as homes than almost any other
so, said Admissions represen- But now.

Realizes Too Late

was she determined. Probably tative Ashley Hedge. In the I was often afraid to be soon as possible. amphibious species. Fortunately,
what got her into Kenyon. past, we were only attracting open as a Tumblr-Inspired The sooner we have our the Circ-Desk has gone beyond the
While sharing a usually one kind of asshat. It was rea- Socially Conscious Asshat on own over-priced coffee shop/ liberal rhetoric, and has commit-
delightful anecdote about Phi- lly shameful. this campus, Stephensen said. got like Advil and a shitton of rare and obscure literature li-
ted itself to stockpiling gastropod
lander Chase, Rockman devol- Hedge noted that in the But with the new Social Ni- hash brown triangles an shit. brary, the better, Steinbaum
shells. So if you, or a crustacean
ved into hysterics as the group While the revelation is shocking news to you wait! Wake up, sheeple! Stop sucking past, only Unaware Upperclass ceties Watch Blog that Admis- Iss great. said.

P
by MIGUEL NGEL KILL
Spitz himself, many friends and close asso- on the teat of higher education! Youre all you know is in need, the Circ-Desk
passed a corner of the Gund Asshats had a strong repre- sions started up, Im sure Ill Not everyone is enamo- All Kenyon Collegian
ciates say that they saw this coming from a part of a power dialect! find all kinds of like-minded red of the changes, however. Sensationalist Asshats were has a truly diverse selection of
Gallery he fondly remembers ALME HOUSEAfter stepping sentation on the campus, with
while away. We all love Jason, said close individuals. English Department Head unavailable for comment, but calcium-based homes.
urinating on last March. It was out of his Thursday seminar on small contingents of Oblivious
right under the Capitalism insta- sneaker culture, anthropology friend Hannah Banamahn 17, and we We all love Jason, said Asshats and Unhygienic As- Self-Identifying Sad Stacy Steinbaum referred to requested that all campus ru- Pesticide Handler Licen-
really tried to warn him. But now. Drunken Mess Asshat Kendra the Admission Departments mors be reported to kenyon- se. Hey, we get it, the hand tools
llation piece! Nothing more em- major Jason Spitz 17 finally woke
up to the blaring warning signs all around Indicators that it was too late can be close friend Hannah shats also present.
We did our best to iden- Erikkson 19 said she has been efforts as an outrage. collegian@kenyon.edu. n just arent enough to take care
powering than actually getting
the chance to pee on our broken him. Predicted to have been a long time traced back as far as the end of Spitzs fres-
hman year, when he registered a change of
Banamahn 17, and we tify places in which we could especially impressed with the
accommodations made for her
For 187 years now, the
English Department has been
of that pokeberry creeping up to
coming, the realization nevertheless came your NCA. You want to use the
political system. Rockman
went on to discuss how Kenyon too late for Spitz. advisors from Professor Baumann of the really tried to warn him. good stuff, but you want to do it
Political Science department to Professor
It just came to me, Spitz told the Co-
But now. the right way, and the Circ-Desk

Weaver Wednesday Cancelled: Not

students are noted for their bold Suggs in Anthropology.
social activism. llegiate during an interview, Oh my god. is there to facilitate that. All you
Shit. Spitz now points to a lack of foresight
Apparently most shocking need to do is watch a half-hour
Spitz now faces difficult questions in and planning, coupled with an intangible With the new understanding that it is
was when Rockman lit a joint on ennui and purposelessness early in his by far too late, Spitz assured friends and video on the correct application
the aftermath of his revelation, including:

Enough Cupcakes For Everyone

the tour in front of Bexley in ho- sophomore year, that led the hapless junior family that this would work out in the end, of Garlon-4 and youre in. Theyll
Now what?, Why bother?, What was it
nor of the joint he lit on his last to his current predicament. and that his Spring semester abroad would print and laminate your certifica-
all even for?, and Am I just my father?
tour in front of Bexley. We love I guess I just didnt think itd be me, reset the clock for a new beginning next tion right then and there.
Sources report that Spitz was later seen in
traditions here, guys. Cough. Spitz was overheard muttering from the Fall. Invisibility Cloak. Its about
Peirce Hall waiting for an omelette, as if
Puff-Puff-Pass that. everything was all right, before realizing third floor of Olin, No. It cant really be. Im just really excited, Spitz told that students may only bring in cupcakes invitation was simply lost in the mail, time you had a classy way to
Theres no way that its actually. There has reporters, for when Im able to come back by MIGUEL NGEL KILL
The Collegiate caught up

W
that it was still too late. Spitz was then seen if they have enough to share with ever- everyone talking about how fun the bir- enter class late. Just behind the
with Rockman for a comment abandoning the Fusion line and opting for to be something. When asked to please to Kenyon as a senior and have all the time yone. Kenyon policy also states, Smith thday party had been on Monday did not Circ-Desk, there is a small square
on the scandal this past Tues- be respectful of others, the anthropology in the world. n EAVER COTTAGE
a pizza muffin instead. added, that students are not allowed to improve the situation. of visible hardwood. Look a little
major laughed maniacally, saying, Oh just Wednesday night quickly
day, Im, just like, not that bring invitations to Birthday parties into Phi Tau brother Brandon Holli 16 closer, and theres a small latch,
devolved into chaos this
involved on campus, you know? classrooms unless everyone is invited. sent out an all-student email the next underneath that latch, is a limited
week when it soon became

8 Things You
So when they said Show off of stylish jimmy jams for your nocturnal If you are trying to have a private party, day, apologizing for the lack of cupcakes. edition embroidered noseeme
by DALLAS HERNANDEZ apparent to the brothers of Phi Kappa
what Kenyon means to you in please remember to mail your invita- Holli cited confusion over whose mom cloak. While the latch has been
needs. Colors include baby blue, chartreu-

O
Tau that there simply werent enough
the meeting, I was like, Imma tions, or have your parents call your was bringing the second box as the lea- locked for years, rumor has it that
se, Big Red, and chamomile. cupcakes for everyone at the event.

Didnt Know
give it everything I got. And LIN LIBRARYWhile weve all
Latts. I bet you didnt know that Circ- Campus Safety quickly responded to the friends parents and make arrangements ding factor of Wednesday nights fiasco. the code will be apparent to one
what I got happens to be a lot of heard that Circulation services
Desk has a Delonghi Magnifica behind the outcry by shutting down the Summer that way. This policy has been put in We hope that no one felt excluded with a solid mastery of the Dewey
routine debauchery. encompasses the borrowing and place to make sure no ones feelings are because of our mix-up, and we encoura-

You Could
counter. Well, they do, and their joe is no Birthday Bash party. Decimal system.
When asked about if he felt lending of items of Kenyon, Consort, Ohio- hurt. ge everyone to attend the next Weaver
joke! The Collegiate recommends zshooing Tacci Smith, Associate Dean of Stu- Flintstone Gummies. Ton-
he deserved being demoted to link, and SearchOhio (Circ-desk mission Students have taken the schools Wednesday, this Wednesday: Whats
statement), few of us fully understand what up your drink with the complimentary dents, released a statement the next day: gue and cheek aside, youve got
the Saturday 8 A.M. Tour Slot, side on the issue, clearly still affected by Up Scott? We will be watching Looney

Get at the
nutmeg. We had no choice but to close to try these. Seriously, no fakes,
Rockman was unflappable. exactly these items include. Fortunately for last years scandal when everyone was Tunes all night, and our own Scott Gil
Rare Baseball Cards. Upset that down Summer Birthday Bash after lear- Circ-Desk always has Flinstone
Nah, its okay. Ill have some our esteemed readership, The Collegiate invited to Stacey Milkins 18s late-April Jacobson will be performing free back
your collection aint up to snuff? Youre in ning that Phi Kappa Tau hadnt brought Gummies on hand. n

Circ-Desk
great Friday night material. n has taken the time to find out. birthday party except Betty Jopland rubs for whomever wants one. n
enough cupcakes for everyone. Let me
Pajamas. Feeling sleepy? The Circ- 18. While Milkins insists that Joplands
Desk has got you! They offer a wide variety CONTINUE ON PAGE 3 reiterate that Kenyon policy clearly states
 THE COLLEGIATE, TUESDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2015

LOCAL Rising stories, covered by upcoming journalism stars.

This piece was authored by Rodney
Winterfeld, a sophomore Collegian
News Editor who was this years reci-
pient of the Fred Baumann Internship
Fellowship Award (FBIFA). The FBIFA
is a prestigious award given to an
exceptional Collegian writer who has
expressed a desire to develop their cra-
ft through a year-long position at the
intergalactically-acclaimed Collegiate.
Past FBIFA recipients include: Edward
R. Murrow, Walter Cronkite, Nicholas
Kristof, and Daniel Tosh. We are cu-
rrently accepting applications for the
2016 FBIFA Recipient.

D
O YOU KNOW WHATS IN
YOUR FOOD? Peirce SAYS ITS
PRODUCTS ARE LOCALLY
SOURCED, but new insider informa- Pictured: THE FACE OF PURE EVIL

THE SCOOP ON PEIRCE MEALS

tion SUGGESTS OTHERWISE.
According to one member of the
Housing and Dining Committee, most
of Peirces food options ARENT FROM
KNOX COUNTY. THEYRE NOT
TERN AUSTRALIA!). What more MAJORS! get information from more than one sou-
EVEN FROM OHIO!
can I tell you? he said, trying to kick this Academic departments have also rce? YES, BUT NONE OF THEM HAVE
Assuming our man is really IN THE
investigative machine off the scoop. The weighed in on the issue, with Biology TOLD ME THE TRUTH. Are you sure
KNOW, Peirces products actually come
only thing we dont locally source are and Anthropology coming down on two youre not getting too excited about this?
from a wide variety of places. Those un-
bananas in the wintertime. NICE TRY, opposite ends of the spectrum. Jim Rash, DONT YOU UNDERSTAND HOW IM-
dercooked hamburger patties? Theyre
BUSTER. Anthropology Chair, said that [b]uying PORTANT THIS IS! THE PEOPLE NEED
not from cows in Licking County, but
Amazingly, fellow students are taking jam from the Khan family is the first step TO KNOW, AND YOURE WORRYING
from the pile of RECENTLY AM-
the news pretty apathetically. Im okay in righting the wrongs perpetrated on ABOUT INTEGRITY!?
PUTATED HUMAN LIMBS at MT.
with gangrenous human flesh as long as the Pashtuns by decades of colonialism, Throughout the investigative process,
SINAI MEMORIAL HOSPITALl! That
its been cooked first, said sophomore while Jane Neweson, Biology Chair, Peirce remained good at one thing: STIC-
strawberry rhubarb jam from the Yoder
Toni Daniels. EVEN ECO/PEAS has expressed concerns that Peirces ethical KING TO THEIR TALE OF LIES. Chef
family in Martinsburg? TRY THE RAH-
come out ambivalently, saying in a state- violations would make the departments Meagan went so far as to take me on a
MAN FAMILY IN TRIBAL PAKISTAN!
ment that synthetic, sulphuric chicken is research ineligible for grant funding. tour of the Yoder family farm to prove that
Even though the Collegian blew
more environmentally friendly than Tyson The English department is the only the jam wasnt coming from mountainside
the lid off with this investigation, those
or any other big, factory farm product. group on campus to doubt the findings of farms in North Waziristan. I WASNT
in charge of Peirce continue to DENY
While wed prefer Peirce stop serving this report. HOW DARE THEY? In a BUYING.
RESPONSIBILITY. What youre saying
meat entirely, they continued, we recog- meeting with this author prior to pu- The powers that be tried as hard as
is patently false, said Chef Scott when
nize that this is a healthy compromise. blishing, writer-in-residence and faculty they could, but I saw through their RUSE.
confronted about the origins of the chic-
WHAT!? WAKE UP, SHEEPLE. advisor for the Collegian D.T. Whethers- Be careful, people; Peirce isnt what it
ken pot pies (spoiler alert: THEYRE
THATS NOT COFFEE, ITS THE PLAS- field asked, Are you sure you want to go says it is. Watch your backs, while I watch
FROM SULPHUR MINES IN WES-
MA OF UNEMPLOYED ENGLISH through with this? YES. Do you want to mine... n

Penis Draws Meaningful Self-Portrait on Whiteboard

who intends to be a studio art major, sat in eighteen of its impromptu canvas. Its shape curves irrevently,
by KAT SCHRODINGER

L
quiet hours of contemplation of the self-portrait. even carelessly, across the board. Although there is
EWIS HALLSources report that the Alienation, he muttered, at hour six. Self-ha- a certain vulgarity to the work, a jarring suddenness
penis of a human male has left a self-portrait tred, he added at hour eleven, and Enlightenment, that arrests the viewer, it cannot be described in vul-
on the whiteboard of CA Johnson Richardson at hour seventeen. When asked about his experience, gar terms. There is something sensitive to this peniss
18, who lives in lower Lewis hall. he shook his head solemnly. Description fails me, self-portrait, something that suggests an asking rather
Richardson said that he awoke Wednesday to find but suffice it to say: the profundity of my experience than an answer.
the drawing scrawled across his whiteboard, and im- cannot be overstated. This is art. Naythis is life. The penis could not be reached for comment, due
mediately burst into tears of joy. How do I describe The piece itself has been described by prestigious to the tragic fact that it has not yet been named. No
its beauty? he said. When I saw that portrait drawn publications including the New Yorker, the Los dick has declared this its own; no cock has claimed
across the hours of my availability and a note from my Angeles Times, and the Onion. An attempt must be it. Some suggest that this is simply another part of
third-best friend, Mitchell, something stirred in this made here, too, however rudimentary, to describe its the puzzle. A critique of the anonymity of genitalia,
hollow husk of a heart I call my own. beauty to unfamiliar readers. Drawn in a palette of the unidentifiability of that most personal of regions?
Richardsons residentsthe young men of lower red erasable markerundoubtedly a commentary on Certainly. The finest piece of this generation? Argua-
Lewiswere similarly struck. Michael Dhaboz 17, the simultaneous rage and fragility of toxic masculini- bly. n
tythe penis stretches up from the bottom-left corner

the kenyon collegiate PLEASE RECYCLE ISSUE BEFORE OR AFTER READING