How I Met Your Mother - Season 01

CONTENTS
01 - Pilot
02 - Purple Giraffe
03 - Sweet Taste of Liberty
04 - Return of the Shirt
05 - Okay Awesome
06 - Slutty Pumpkin
07 - Matchmaker
08 - The Duel
09 - Belly Full of Turkey
10 - The Pineapple Incident
11 - The Limo
12 - The Wedding
13 - Drumroll, Please
14 - Zip, Zip, Zip
15 - Game Night
16 - Cupcake
17 - Life Among the Gorillas
18 - Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M.
19 - Mary the Paralegal
20 - Best Prom Ever
21 - Milk
22 - Come On
01 - Pilot
Scene One
[Title: The Year 2030]
Narrator: Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story. The story of how I met your mother
Son: Are we being punished for something?
Narrator: No
Daughter: Yeah, is this going to take a while?
Narrator: Yes. (Kids are annoyed) Twenty-five years ago, before I was dad, I had this whole other life.
(Music Plays, Title "How I Met Your Mother" appears)
Narrator: It was way back in 2005. I was twenty-seven just starting to make it as an architect and living in New York
with my friend Marshall, my best friend from college. My life was good and then Uncle Marshall went and screwed
the whole thing up.
Marshall: (Opens ring) Will you marry me.
Ted: Yes, perfect! And then you're engaged, you pop the champagne! You drink a toast! You have s*x on the kitchen
floor... Don't have s*x on our kitchen floor.
Marshall: Got it. Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted.
Ted: Dude, are you kidding? It's you and Lily! I've been there for all the big moments of you and Lily. The night you
met. Your first date... other first things.
Marshall: (laughs) yeah, sorry. We thought you were asleep.
Ted: It's physics Marshall, if the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves too. My god, you're getting engaged
tonight.
Marshall: Yeah, what are you doing tonight?
(Scene Freezes)
Narrator: What was I doing? Your Uncle Marshall was taking the biggest step of his life, and me-I'm calling your
Uncle, Barney.
[Cut to Later: Barney's in the barber shop, Ted's talking from home]
Barney: (on the phone) hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian girls? Well, now I've got a new
favorite: Lebanese girls! Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians.
Ted: Hey, you wanna do something tonight?
Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes, and Suit up!
Scene Two
(The Bar)
Ted: Hey.
Barney: Where's your suit!? Just once when I say suit up, I wish you'd put on a suit.
Ted: I did that one time.
Barney: It was a blazer!
Ted: You know, ever since college it's been Marshall and Lily and me. Now it's going to be Marshall and Lily... and me.
They'll get married, start a family-before long I'm the weird, middle-aged bachelor their kids call "Uncle Ted".
(Barney hits Ted)
Barney: I see what this is about. Have you forgotten what I said to you the night we met?
[Cut to Flashback the night Barney and Ted met]
[Still in the Bar]
(Ted is talking to another couple; Barney randomly joins them and interrupts)
Barney: Ted, I'm going to teach you how to live. (Ted's shocked) Barney, we met at the urinal.
Ted: Oh, right. Hi.
Barney: Lesson one, lose the goatee. It doesn't look good with your suit.
Ted: I'm not wearing a suit.
Barney: Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool. (Points to self with bear bottle in hand) Exhibit A. (Flirts to a woman
unseen) Lesson three, don't even think about getting married till you're... thirty.
[Flashback ends]
Ted: Thirty, right. You're right. I guess it's just, you're best friend gets engaged-you start thinking about that stuff.
Barney: I thought I was your best friend. Ted, say I'm your best friend.
Ted: You're my best friend, Barney.
Barney: Good! And as your best friend, I suggest we play a little game called... "Have you met Ted?"
Ted: Wai-no, no, no. We're not playing "Have You Met Ted?"
Barney: (Taps a woman names Yasmine) Hi, have you met Ted? (Leaves and watches from a distance).
Ted: (To Yasmine) Hi, I'm Ted.
Yasmine: Yasmine.
Ted: It's a very pretty name.
Yasmine: Thanks, It's Lebanese.
Scene Three
(The Apartment)
Marshall: Hey!
Lily: Urgh. I'm exhausted. It was finger painting day at school, and a five year old boy (takes coat off revealing a purple
hand print on her right breast) got to second base with me. Wow, you're cooking?
Marshall: Yes, I am.
Lily: Aww-(They kiss) Are you sure that's a good idea after last time? You looked really creepy without eyebrows.
Marshall: I can handle this; I'm full of surprises tonight.
Lily: So there's more surprises? Like what?
Narrator: Marshall was in his second year of law school, so he was pretty good at thinking on his feet.
Marshall: BOOGITY BOO! And that's all of them! I'm goanna go... cook. (Leaves)
[Cut to the bar, Ted is chatting with Yasmine]
Ted: I'm so happy for Marshall, I really am. I just couldn't imagine settling down right now.
Yasmine: So do you think you'll ever get married?

Ted: Well maybe eventually. Some fall day. Possibly in Central Park. Simple ceremony, we'll write our own vows. But--
eh--no DJ, people will dance. I'm not going to worry about it! Damn it, why did Marshall have to get engaged?
(Yasmine laughs) Yeah, nothing hotter than a guy planning out his own imaginary wedding, huh?
Yasmine: Actually, I think it's cute.
Ted: Well, you're clearly drunk (pulls her wine glass away. Hold up glass to bartender) ONE MORE FOR THE LADY!
[Cut to Kitchen with Marshall and Lily. Lily has a pan out sautéing, Marshall jumps off a countertop]
Marshall: Okay, look what I got (runs to the fridge. Takes out wine bottle)
Lily: Aw-honey. Champagne! (hands it to Marshall)
Marshall: (after short silence) Yeah. (hands it back)
Lily: (realizing) No, you are too old to be scared to open a bottle of champagne!
Marshall: I'm not scared.
Lily: Then open it!
Marshall: Fine (takes bottle. Looks at it for a couple of seconds) Please open it (hands it to Lily)
Lily: You are unbelievable, Marshall. No-(Scene splits in half and shows both Lily and Marshall on top arguing and Ted
and Yasmine on the bottom mingling)
Narrator: There are two big questions a man has to ask in life. One you plan out for months, the other just slips out
when you're half drunk at some bar.
Marshall: (To Lily) will you marry me?
Ted: (To Yasmine) you wanna go out sometime?
(Scene split ends, and returns to Lily and Marshall's scene)
Lily: Of course, you idiot! (hugs him and they fall back)
[Cut to Scene with Ted and Yasmine at bar]
Yasmine: I'm sorry; Carl's my boyfriend (points to bartender)
Ted: Sup, Carl?
[Cut to Scene in Kitchen, Marshall and Lily lay up while on the ground, after s*x]
Marshall: I promised Ted we wouldn't do that.

Lily: Did you know there's a pop tart under your fridge?
Marshall: No, but dibs. Where's that champagne? I wanna drink a toast with my fiancé.
Lily: aww (claps. They kiss)
Marshall: I don't know why I was so scared of this. Pretty easy right? (Pops cork, hit's Lily's eye)
Lily: (YELLS)
Marshall: (covers mouth) OH!
Ted: Why am I freaking out all of a sudden? This is crazy! I'm not ready to settle down.
Barney: (ignoring) how does Carl land a Lebanese girl?
Ted: It's always been "don't even think about it till you're thirty"
Barney: Exactly-the guy doesn't even own a suit!
Ted: Plus Marshall's found the love of his life. Even if I was ready, which I'm not, but if I was it's like, "Okay, I'm ready!
Where is she?" (Spots Robin)
Narrator: and there she was.
[Fade out]
Scene Four
(The Bar-Focusing on Ted and Robin)
Narrator: It was like something from an old movie. Where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor,
turns to his buddy and says, "see that girl? I'm going to marry her someday"
Ted: Hey Barney, see that girl?
(Breif cut-out portion)
Barney: (to Robin) Hey, have you met Ted?
Robin: Let me guess, (points) Ted?
(Ted Nods)
Scene Five
(Taxi on the way to hospital)

Marshall: I'm sorry, Lily. I'm so sorry. Take us to the hospital.
Cabdriver: Whoa, whoa, whoa-did you hit her?
(Laughter)
Lily: Hit me? Please, this guy could barely even spank me in bed for fun. He's all like, (hits ice in bag using to cover
eye) "Oh, did that hurt?" and I'm like, "Come on, let me have it you pansy!" (realizes) Wow, complete stranger.
Cabdriver: no, no, no, no-it's okay, go on. (Turns meter on.) So these, spankin's...you in pajamas or going "naturelle"
[Cut to bar with Robin]
Ted: So what do you do?
Robin: I'm a reporter for Metro News 1.
Ted: (nods) Oh.
Robin: Well, kind of a reporter. I do those dumb little fluff pieces at the end of the news, you know. Like-um-monkey
that can play the ukulele. I'm hoping to get some bigger stories soon.
Ted: Bigger like, uh, gorilla with an up-right bass? Sorry, you're really pretty. (Robin laughs and waves to her friends)
Oh, your friends don't seem too happy.
Robin: Yeah, see the one in the middle just got dumped by her boyfriend so tonight every guy is... "The enemy".
Ted: You know if you don't make your friend feel better you could throw a drink at my face. I don't mind.
Robin: She would love that! It does look fun in the movies.
Ted: Hey, you wanna have dinner with me Saturday night?
Robin: Oh, I can't. I'm going to Orlando for a week on Friday. Some guys attempting to make a big (cut) so my news is
covering it.
Ted: That's going to take a week?
Robin: Yeah, he's going to eat it too, it's another record.
Robin's Dumped Friend: Hey, what's taking so long?
Ted: Uh, I know this is a long shot, but how about tomorrow night?
Robin: (stops) Yeah, (agrees) What the hell (passes number to Ted. Throws drink on Ted's face) JERK! (Walks away.
Whispers) that was fun.
Barney: (comes back laughing) De-wait for it-nied! Denied!

Ted: We're going out tomorrow night.
Barney: I thought we were playing laser tag tomorrow night?
Ted: Yeah, I was never going to go play laser tag. (Wipes alcohol off his face)
Scene Six
(Bistro, Ted's date with Robin. There's a blue French horn showcased on the wall a table away from theirs.)
Narrator: The next night, I took her out to this little bistro in Brooklyn.
Robin: Wow that is one bad-ass blue French horn.
Ted: Yeah.
Robin: Mhmm.
Ted: Sort of looks like a... Smurf pen1s.
(Scene Freezes)
Narrator: Son, a piece of advice. When you go on a first date you really don't wanna say "smurf pen1s". Girls don't
ordinarily like that.
(Scene unfreezes. Robin spits her drink back into her glass. Laughs)
Narrator: But that was no ordinary girl.
[Cut to the Apartment]
(Lily and Marshall are sitting on the couch. Lily's wearing an eye patch on her left eye and is totally unaware that
Marshall is sitting bedside her because of the eye patch.)
Marshall: Lilly?
(Lily jolts)
Lily: How long have you been sitting there!? Stupid eye patch.
(Ted enters)
Ted: Mom, dad, I have found the future Mrs. Ted Mosby! Marshall, how have I always described my perfect woman?
Marshall: Oh let's see (thinks) she likes dogs?
[Flashback to Date]
Robin: I've got five dogs.
[Flashback over.]
Marshall:...she drinks scotch?
[Flashback to Date]
Robin: I love a scotch that's old enough to order its own scotch.
[Flashback over.]
Marshall: Can quote obscure lines from "Ghostbusters"?
[Flashback to Date]
Robin: Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god you say, "Yes!"
[Flashback over.]
Ted: And I'm saving the best for last.
[Flashback to Date]
Robin: Do you want these? (Holding up remaining olives from her plate) I hate olives.
[Flashback over.]
Marshall: She hates olives! Awesome!
Lily: The olive theory.
[Flashback to Date]
Ted: The olive theory is based on my friends, Marshall and Lily. He hates olives, she loves them. In a weird way that's
what makes them such a great couple. A Perfect balance (eats olive).
Robin: You know, I've had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever.
Ted: (flirting) I can take them off your hands.
Robin: (flirting back) they're all yours.
[Flashback over]
Marshall: Oh, it is on! It is on (imitates robot) till the break of dawn.

Lily: wait, it's only the break of ten-thirty. What happened?
[Flashback to Walking Robin home]
Robin: I've gotta get one of those blue French horns for over my fireplace. It's gotta be blue, it's gotta be French.
Ted: No Green Clarinet?
Robin: No.
Ted: Come on, no purple tuba?
Robin: It's a smurf pen1s, we're no dice.
(Metro News 1 Van appears)
Producer: (from inside van) there you are! We've got a jumper! Some crazy guy on the Manhattan Bridge. Come on,
you're covering it!
Robin: Um, alright. I'll be right there. (To Ted) I'm sorry. I had a really great time tonight.
Ted: Yeah.
[Flashback Over]
Marshall: So? Did you kiss her?
Ted: No. The moment wasn't right. (They sigh) Look, this woman could be my future wife; I want our first kiss to be
amazing.
Lily: Aww, Ted that's so sweet. So you chickened out like the little bitch.
Ted: What? I did not chicken out! You know what? I don't need to take first kiss advice from some pirate who hasn't
been single since the first week of college.
Lily: Ted, anyone who's single would tell you the same thing. Even the dumbest single person alive, and if you don't
believe me...call him.
(Calls Barney)
(Barney's playing laser tag on the other end of the line)
Barney: (Phone) Hey loser, how's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome! Oh, I killed you Connor;
don't make me get your mom!
Ted: Hey, listen. I need your opinion on something.
Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes-AND SUIT UP!

[Slides to Bar Scene]
(Lily, Ted, Barney and Marshall sitting at a table)
Ted: So these guys think I chickened out. What do you think?
Barney: I can't believe you're still not wearing a SUIT!
Ted: She didn't even give me the signal.
Barney: What is she goanna-is she goanna bat her eyes at you in Morse code (bats eyes)?? Ted (bats eyes) Kiss me-
No, you just kiss her!
Ted: Not if you don't get the signal.
Barney: Ee-(Kisses Marshal) Did Marshall give me the signal?
Marshall: No! (To Lily) I didn't, I swear.
Barney: But see-at least, tonight, I get to sleep knowing, Marshall and Me... never going to happen. You should've
kissed her.
Ted: Urgh, I should've kissed her. What about when she gets back from Orlando?
Barney: A week? That's like-a year in hot girl time. She'll forget all about you. Mark my words: you will never see that
one again.
(notices Robin on Metro News 1 On TV)
Ted: There she is...
Lily: Ooo. She's cute! (To Carl) Hey Carl, turn it up!
Robin: (on TV)...persuaded him to reconsider at which point the man came down off the ledge, giving this bizarre
story a happy ending. Reporting from
Marshall: Huh, guy didn't jump
Robin: (on TV) Metro One News, back to you bill.
Ted: I'm goanna go kiss her. Right now.
Marshall: Oh-Dude, it's midnight. As your future lawyer I'm goanna advise you: that's freakin' crazy!
Ted: I never do anything crazy! I'm always waiting for the moment! Planning the moment! Well she's leaving
tomorrow this may be the only moment I'm goanna get! I gotta do what that guy couldn't, I gotta take the leap! Okay
not a perfect metaphor, for me it's fall in love and get married-for him it's... death.
Barney: Actually, that is a perfect metaphor. By the way, did I congratulate you two? (Raises glass to Lily and Marshall)
Ted: I'm doing this. (Starts to leave)
Lily: Let's go (pulls Marshall up)
Marshall: Word up!
Lily: We're coming with you.
Ted:...Barney?
Barney: Alright, but under one condition.
[Cut to Scene in Taxicab]
Barney: (happy) look at you, you beautiful b*st*rd, you suited up! This is totally going in my blog!
Ted: (To Ranjit-Cabdriver) Stop the car. Uh-pull over right here. I gotta do something.
(Runs into the bistro he was in on his date with Robin climbs on peoples table)
Ted: Excuse me, pardon me. (grabs the Blue French Horn) Enjoy your coffee. (Runs away)
Waitor: Hey, HEY!
(Jumps back into the taxicab)
Ted: go, go, GO! (looks to his friends. Shrugs) Everybody brings flowers.
[Fade out]
Scene Seven
(Taxicab)
Ted: (Exhales) Okay. Moment of truth. Wish me luck. (Exhales)
Barney: Ted's goanna get it on with a TV reporter (nods. Laughs.) This just in. Okay (holds hand up for high-fives)
Lily: Kiss her, Ted. Kiss her good.
Marshall: Kiss the crap out of that girl
Ted: Marshall, remember this night. When you're the best man at our wedding and you give a speech, you're goanna
tell this story. (exits cab)
Barney: Why does he get to be the best man? (Shouts out) I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND!
Narrator: As I walked up to that door a million thoughts raced through my mind. Unfortunately, one particular
thought did not.
[Flashback to Date]
Robin: I've got five dogs.
[Flashback Ends]
(Ted presses the buzzer, dogs begin to bark. Walks down the steps back toward the cab)
Ted: Not good, not good, not good, not good.
Lily: No!
Marshall: Go back in there!
Barney: You're wearing a suit!
(Ted walks back toward the door)
Robin: (from window) Ted?
Ted: Hi! (Silence) I was just uh-(hold up Smurf pen1s, aka French Horn)
Robin: Come on up.
(Ted enters)
[In the Cab]
Marshall: He's in.
Barney: So, (looks to the cabdriver) Ranjit... you must've done it with a Lebanese girl.
Lily: Okay-that's my Barney Limit. (Starts to leave the cab) I'm goanna see if that Bodega has a bathroom. (Leaves)
Ranjit: Actually, I'm from Bangladesh.
Barney: The women hot there?
Ranjit: Here's a picture of my wife! (Shows picture)
Barney: (Whispers to Marshall) Simple no would have sufficed. (To Ranjit) She's lovely.
[Cut to Robin's Apartment]
Robin: So, Ted. What brings you back to Brooklyn at one in the morning in a-suit.
Ted: I was just hoping to get those olives... that you said I could have.
Robin: Would you like those olives with some Gin and Vermouth?
Ted: Are you trying to get me drunk?
Robin: For starters (turns music on. Leaves to the kitchen)
Ted: (Looks up and mouths) Thank you.
[Cut to the Cab]
Barney: So, Marshall. This "Olive Theory" based on you and Lily?
Marshall: Yeah...
Barney: You hate olives? Lily loves them, you can't stand them.
Marshall: Yeah, hate olives.
Barney: Two weeks ago, Spanish bar on 79th Street, dish of olives-you had some. What up?
Marshall: (looks around for sign of Lily) You have to swear that this does not leave this cab.
Barney: I swear.
Ranjit: (Cuts into conversation) I swear.
Marshall: On our first date, I ordered a Greek salad; Lily asked if she could have my olives. I said, "Sure... I hate
olives."
Barney: But you like olives!
Marshall: Well, I was eighteen, okay? I was a virgin. Been waiting for my whole life for a pretty girl to want my olives.
Barney: Marshall, I'm going to get you an early wedding present. Don't get married.
(Robin and Ted are dancing, all five dogs are watching)
Robin: I think I like your "Olive Theory".

Ted: I think I like your French Horn.
Robin: I think I like your nose.
Ted: I think I'm in love with you.
[Cut to the bar]
(After Ted tells them the story)
Lily, Marshall and Barney: What?
[Cut to the year 2030.]
Son and Daughter: What?
Robin: What?
[Cut to the Cab]
Barney: Come on man, you said your stomach's been hurting, right? You know what that is! Hunger. You're hungry for
experience. Hungry for something new. Hungry for olives. But you're too scared to do anything about it.
Marshall: Yeah, I'm scared, okay? But when I think about spending the rest of my life with Lily... committing forever,
no other women (Lily appears behind Marshall in the open window) doesn't scare me at all. I'm marrying that girl.
(Lily pops her head in from the window. Marshall turns around) Lily. Lily, I like olives.
Lily: We'll make it work. (They kiss.)
Ranjit: aww.
(Long Silence)
Ted: So Orlando, you goanna hit Disney World?
Robin: You love me?
Ted: Oh, god, I can't believe I said that. Why did I say that? Who says that? I should just go. (Gets up)
Robin: Hold on. (Gets up) Wait a minute. (Hands him Olives) Promised you these.
Ted: Olives. Thanks. I love you. What's wrong with me?

[Cut to cab]
Barney: Why are we still sitting here? Let's go! We can still make last call. What do you say Lil? (Pirate Accent) Yo, ho
ho and a bottle o' rum? (Silence) 'Cuz you're a pirate...
Lily: Okay, eye patch gone-(takes eye patch off and throws it at Barney) And we can't just abandon Ted. If it doesn't go
well up there he's gonna need some support.
Marshall: It's been like twenty minutes. You think they're doin' it?
Barney: You think they're doing it in front of the dogs?
Marshall: Doggie style. (Laughs)
Barney: I had this girl in college; she had a golden retriever-
Lily: Okay, we can go to the bar, just stop talking.
Barney: Hit it Ranjit. (They drive off)
(Ted and Robin come out the door)
Ted: So when you tell this story to your friends, could you avoid the word "psycho"? I prefer...eccentric.
Robin: Good night, psycho (smiles). (Ted sarcastically clutches heart. Realizes friends left him)
Ted: Great (before Robin closes the door) Umm... how do I get to the F Train?
Robin: Oh, um-two blocks (comes out) that way (points) and take a right.
Ted: (upset/tired) Thanks. (Walks down the steps. Robin begins to walk in) You know what? (Robin stops. Ted turns
around). I'm done being single. I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met you love her.
But... it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman-not you... just some hypothetical woman-
were to bare with me through all this. I think I'd make a damn good husband. Because that's the stuff I'd be good at.
Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father... and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser.
Robin: Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.
Ted: Oh, I've got references.
Robin: Good night, Ted. (Shake hands.)
Ted: And I'm a good hand shaker
Robin: that's a pretty great hand shake. (Looks him in the eyes)
[Cut to later at the bar]

Ted: And that was it, probably never see her again. (Silence) What?
Marshall: That was the signal!
Lily: That long lingering handshake-you should've kissed her!
Barney: There's no such thing as the signal. But yeah-that was the signal.
(Ranjit appears)
Rangit: Signal (nods)
Marshal: Ah, Carl thank you. Something I gotta do.
Carl: By the way, you should've kissed her.
Ted: Carl!? (turns to friends) You guys weren't there.
(Marshall Pops cork without injuring anyone)
Lily: I am so turned on right now.
Ted: Guys, trust me. I've seen the signal. That was not the signal.
Barney: Yeah Ted, we're not on you anymore.
Marshall: (Toasting) To my fiancé!
Lily: (smiles) to the future!
Ranjit: To one hell of a night!
Ted: That was not the signal!
(Scene pans out)
Narrator: I asked her about it years later, and yeah, that was the signal. I could've kissed her. But that's the funny
thing about destiny.
[Flashback to Robin Throwing Drink in Ted's face]
Narrator:... it happens whether you plan it or not. I mean I...
[Flashback to Robin laughing at Ted's "Smurf pen1s" joke]
Narrator:... never thought I'd see that girl again. But it...
[Flashback to Robin looking down at Ted from her apartment window]
Narrator:...turns out, I was just too close...
[Flashback to Robin and Ted dancing]
Narrator:...to the puzzle to see the picture that was forming. Because that kids...
[Cut to year 2030. Kids intently listening keenly interested]
Narrator:...is the true story, of how I met your Aunt Robin.
Son: Aunt Robin?
Daughter: I thought this was about how you met mom!
Narrator: Will you relax? I'm getting to it. (Son and daughter sit back unpleased) like I said:
[Cut to panning out at the bar]
Narrator:...it's a long story.
[Fades out]
02 - Purple Giraffe
Scene One
Narrator: Okay, where was I?
Daughter: You were telling us how you met mom.
Son: In excruciating detail...
Narrator: Right, so (While Flashbacks take place) back in 2005 when I was twenty-seven, my two best friends got
engaged. And it got me thinking, "Maybe I should get married." Then I saw... Robin. She was incredible. I just knew I
had to meet her. That's where your Uncle Barney came in.
Barney: I suggest we play a little game I like to call, "Have you Met Ted?"
Ted: No, no, no-we're not playing "Have you Met Ted!"
Barney: (Taps Robin's shoulder) Hi! Have you met Ted? (Leaves)
Narrator: So I asked her out, and I know this sounds crazy... but after just one date, I was in love with her, which
made me say something stupid
Ted: I think I'm in love with you.
Robin: What?
[Cut to Year 2030]
Daughter: Oh, Dad.
Son: So then what happened?
Narrator: Nothing. I mean, I made a complete fool of myself. So... a week went by and I decided not to call her.
[Cut to Entering the Bar]
(As Marshell, Barney and Ted enter)
Marshall: So you're not goanna call her? You went from, "I think I'm in love with you" to "I'm not gonna call her?"
Ted: I wasn't in love with her, okay? I was briefly in love with the abstract idea of getting married! That had absolutely
nothing to do with Robin. (Finds Lily and Robin chatting at a table.) Robin!
Robin: Hey!
Lily: Look who I ran into!
Ted: Since when do you guys know each other?
Robin: Uh... since about (points to glass) here. Lily recognized me from the news and-(Lily and Marshall kiss) Hello,
Sailor!
Ted: They just got engaged.
Robin: Well, I should get back to the station. See you guys. (Marshall raises a hand while still kissing Lily) Nice seeing
you, Ted.
Ted: Yeah, you too. (Robin leaves, Barney walks closer) Damn it.
Lily: What?
Ted: I'm in love with her.
Barney: (hits him) No! As your sponsor I will not let you relapse. You blew it; it's over-move on.
Ted: I don't know! I just have this feeling. She's the future Mrs. Ted Mosby.
(Lily Squeals)
Ted: Lily, you squeaked?
(Lily shakes her head)
Ted: She said something about me didn't she? Come on, spill it, Red.
Lily: Fine!
[Flashback to Earlier. Lily and Robin talking at the bar]
Lily: So what do we think of Ted?
Robin: (laughs) Ted's something else.
[Flashback ends]
Ted: Huh... I'm gonna spin that as good. Lots of guys are "something", I'm "something else".
Robin: Comes on a little strong.
[Flashback ends]
Ted: But...that's part of my charm.
Lily: But that's part of his charm.
Robin: Oh, totally. I mean, he's sweet, he's charming, he's just looking for something a little bit more serious than I
am. I mean the most I can handle right now is something casual. This just stays between us, right?
Lily: Are you kidding? This flapper-for knocks.
[Flashback ends]
Lily: (shy) Oops...
Ted: She wants casual. Okay, I'll be casual. I'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual. You know why? Cause it's a
game! I wanted to skip to the end and do the "happily ever after" thing but you don't get there unless you play the
game.
Marshall: So're you gonna ask her out?
Ted: Yeah-No! I can't ask her out, because if I ask her out I'm asking her out. So how do I ask her out, without asking
her out? (thinks)
(Silence)
Lily: Did you guys get high?
Ted: I got it! I don't ask her out... I invite her to our party next Friday.
Marshall: We're having a party next Friday?
Ted: We are now-Casual
Barney: Yeah, cuz nothing says "Casual" like inviting a hundred people over just to "Mac" on one girl. Oh, and Lily-
that's my leg.
Lily: You waited five minutes to tell me that?
Marshall: Alright-so call her up!

Ted: No-calling's not casual! I just gotta bump into her somewhere. If only I knew her schedule I could arrange a
"chance" encounter.
Lily: that's great, Ted. You'll be the most "Casual" stalker ever.
(They laugh)
Scene Two
(The Apartment)
Narrator: Now ever since Marshall put that ring on her finger, Lily had been...well... extra affectionate.
Marshall: Baby, no. I have a twenty-five paged paper on unconstitutional law due on Monday, I barely started,
Lily: Hey, I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring... my beautiful ring. Kind of makes wearing other stuff seem wrong.
Like my shirt. Kind of don't wanna wear my shirt anymore. Or... my underwear. Oh-that's right-I'm not wearing any.
Marshall: (Closes laptop screen) No underwear?
Lily: Not slightly.
(Scene widens to show Ted is on the couch listening)
Ted: Guys, boundaries! There she is!
Robin: (on TV) Thanks Bill, I'm reporting from the Razzle Dazzle Supermarket on 75th in Columbus
Ted: 75th in Columbus. (Gets up and grabs coat) Game on! (Leaves)
[Cut to Razzle Dazzle Supermarket. Robin's reporting on the news]
Robin: where four year old, Leroy Ellensburg, climbed inside a grab a prize machine (You see child stuck in toy
machine) and gotten stuck.
[Cut to Ted running down the street]
[Cut to Razzle Dazzle Supermarket. Robin reporting on the news]
Robin: And on the pursuit of a stuffed purple giraffe. (Ted appears behind her, leaves nervously) From Metro News
One, I'm Robin Scherbatsky. (News report ends)
(Ted re-enters running)
Cameraman: We're clear
Robin: (To cameraman) Thanks. (Notices Ted) Ted?

Ted: (Turns around nonchalant) Robin, wow! What are the odds?
Robin: What are you doing here?
Ted: Oh, you know, just-uh-Shopping for-uh-dip (holds dip) I love dip... I mean I don't love dip, I like dip. As a friend,
you know. So-uh-hey, you-uh-reporting a news story or something? (puts dip back)
Robin: Yeah, kid stuck in a crane machine, how sweet of you to call it news.
Ted: Wow, kid in a crane machine (approached machine. To boy) You just had to have that toy didn't ya? Couldn't play
the game like everyone else.
Leroy: You're all sweaty!
Ted: Cute kid (wipes forehead) Um yeah it's f-it's so funny running into your we're having a party next Friday if-if you
like swinging by! But, you know, whatever.
Robin: Oh, I'm going back home next weekend. It's too bad it's not tonight.
Ted: (Shocked) It is, it's tonight. This Friday, Did I say next Friday? Yeah-sorry-cuz I've been saying "next Friday" all
week, but yeah it's tonight. The-uh-party's tonight. But, you know, whatever.
Scene Three
(Marshall and Lily in bed after s*x)
(Phone rings, Marshall answers)
Marshall: Hello?
Ted: (on Phone) hey, am I interrupting anything? (Holding party mixes)
Marshall: No, no I'm just writing my paper. Hitting the books.
Ted: (on Phone) Yeah, well you and Lily might wanna put some clothes on. We're throwing a party in two hours. Okay,
bye (hangs up)
[Fade out]
Scene Four
(The Party #1)
Marshall: So, Gatsby, what are you goanna do when Robin shows up?
Ted: Okay, I got it all planned out.
[Shows Fantasy "Plan" as Ted tells story]

Ted: She steps through the door, and where's Ted? Not eagerly waiting by the door. Nah I'm across the room at my
drafting table showing some foxy young thing all my cool architecture stuff. So Robin strolls over and I casually give
her one of these, "Hey, what's up?" She says, "Hey, nice place" etcetera, etcetera. And then I say, "Well make yourself
at home," and I casually return to my conversation. Then, an hour later, "Oh, you're still here?" I say like I don't really
care, but it's a nice surprise. And then very casually, "Wanna see the roof?"
[Fantasy pauses]
Lily and Marshall: (Gloating) The roof.
Ted: Get her up to the roof and the roof takes care of the rest.
Barney: What's so special about the roof?
Lily: Oh, the moon, the stars, the shimmering skyline. You can't not fall in love on that roof.
Marshall: We do it up there sometimes.
Barney: Solid plan, my little friend.
Ted: We're the same height.
Barney: But may I suggest one little modification.
[Fantasy Continues as Barney takes over]
Barney: That foxy young thing you were chatting up, take her up to the roof and have s*x with her! Crazy monkey-
style.
Ted: That's not the plan.
Barney: Should be the plan, I mean look at her. Ted, look at her. She's smokin'!
Fantasy Girl: Thank you.
Ted: Yeah, but she's not Robin.
[Fantasy Ends]
Barney: Exactly! Ted, let's wrap. Statistic, at every New York party there's always a girl who has no idea whose party
she's at. She knows no one you know, and you will never see her again. Do you see-where I'm going-hu-with this?
Ted: Barney, I don't wanna say-
Barney: Aargh! (Pulls down imaginary scope) Scoping, beep, scoping, beep!
Lily: Man you're a dork.

Barney: beep, beep, beep, beep. Target acquired! And now it's time we play a little game I like to call "Have You Met
Ted?"
Ted: No, come on not this.
Barney: (taps woman) Hi! Have you met Ted?
Tatiana: No.
Ted: Hi.
Tatiana: Hi.
Barney: Do you know Marshall? Lily?
Tatiana: No. (smiles)
Barney: Hmm, do you know anyone at this party?
Tatiana: I work with Carlos.
Barney: Excuse me, (to group) Anyone know a Carlos?
Ted: No.
Lily: No.
Barney: On a silver platter! Bon appetite!
Ted: I don't think so.
Barney: Your loss, her gain. (To Tatiana) Excuse me, can I show you the roof? It's magical up there!
Tatiana: Sure (Smiles)
Ted: Whoa-whoa-Hey hey. I got that roof reserved!
Barney: Dude, Robin's not coming.
Ted: Hey, she's goanna show up. (Silence) She'll show up.
[Cut to day after party in the Apartment]
Narrator: She didn't show up.
Lily: At least it was a great party.

Marshall: I ate like four whole cans of dip!
Ted: You always know what to say old friend.
(Phone rings.)
Ted: It's Robin.
Lily: Answer it!
Ted: No, no, no. Not right away. I gotta seem casual. (Answers phone) Hello?
Robin: (on Phone) I'm so sorry I missed your party.
Ted: Who is this? Merideth?
Robin: (On Phone) Robin.
Ted: Oh, Robin! Hey, yeah, guess you never showed up did you?
Robin: (on Phone) no I got stuck at work, but they finally got that kid out of the crane machine.
Ted: Did he get to keep the purple giraffe?
Robin: (on Phone) Yeah, they let him keep all the toys. He was in there a long time and little kids have smaller
bladders.
Ted: (scoffs)
Robin: (On Phone) I wish your party was tonight.
(Silence)
Ted: It is the party's tonight. (Marshall's mad) Yeah-uh-it's a two day party. Because that's just how we roll. Uh-so if
you wanna swing by its-uh-you know, Casual. See ya. (hangs up) So that was Robin.
Marshall: What are you doing to me, man. I got a paper to write.
Ted: I know I'm sorry. It's terrible (grabs coat) I'll buy more dip (runs out)
Marshall: TED! TED WAIT-GET FRENCH ONION. (Closes door) Can you believe this guy, I got a paper to write. (Lily
smiles) Okay, fine-(they walk into the bedroom) but it's gotta be like super quick.
Lily: Oh!
Marshall: And no cuddling after.

Lily: I'm the luckiest girl alive (runs into bedroom. Marshall strips.)
Scene Five
(Party #2)
Barney: Oh, you were so right about the roof. The roof. The roof is on fire, Ted! Girl from last night, took her back to
my place then this morning took her outside, spun her around a couple of times sent her walking-she will never find
her way back and there she is. How did she get here? Did you invite her?
Ted: I have no idea who that is.
Barney: She said she works with Carlos, who's Carlos?
Ted: I don't know any Carlos.
Barney: Grr. (Turns around) Hi, you. You're back.
Tatiana: I sure am (kisses Barney). Come on, sweetie, I need a drink.
Barney: "sweetie"? Really? (They walk into the kitchen Barney mouths) Sweetie?
(Marshall and Lily walk towards the stairs to the roof)
Ted: Whoa-Whoa rabbits! Come on, I got that roof reserved.
Marshall: Alright.
Barney: So, it's over between me-and-works with Carlos girl.
Ted: Oh, that was fast.
Barney: Yeah, I was trying to think what's the quickest way to get rid of a girl you just met?
[Flashback]
Barney: I think I'm in love with you.
Tatiana: What?
[Flashback ends]
Barney: Thanks, bro (walks away)
Ted: (straight-faced) Glad I could help.
(Marshall's on his way up to the roof)

Ted: What the-no, no, no, no-come on!
Marshall: Sorry, Ted. (Goes up)
Ted: Great! What am I going to do when Robin shows up. (Silence) She'll show up.
[Later after the party]
Narrator: She didn't show up.
Marshall: Alright, we threw two parties. Everybody had fun. Everybody wanged, everybody chunged. Now the kid has
got to get to work, and the kid is not to be disturbed. Repeat after me, "I will not have s*x with Marshall".
Lily and Ted: I will not have s*x with Marshall.
(Phone rings)
Ted: It's Robin. (sighs. Answers) Hello?
Robin: (on the Phone) Hi, Ted.
Ted: Amanda? Oh, Denise-Sorry you totally sounded like Amanda (Does weird hand thing with Marshall)
Robin: (On Phone) It's Robin.
Ted: Oh, Robin-(laughs)-Hi.
Robin: (On Phone) I totally wanted to come; I got stuck at work again. I feel like I live there. I'm sorry I missed your
party...again.
Ted: Hey, ain't no thing but a chicken wing mamacita. (To Lily and Marshall) WHO AM I?
Robin: (On Phone) I guess there's no change your two-dayer turned into a three-dayer.
Ted: (Silence) It did indeed, the party continues tonight. (Marshall grabs for him, Ted runs away) Yeah. Last night
people were like, "KEEP IT GOIN' BRO! PARTY TRIFECTA!"
Robin: (On Phone) Wow, okay-well I'll be there.
Ted: Great, see you tonight. (hangs up. Looks to Marshall) So that was Robin.
Scene Six
(Party #3)
Narrator: So I threw a third party for Robin. On a Sunday night (Very Little people in the apartment)
Barney: Oh, this is lame.
Ted: lame or "Casual"?
Barney: lame.
Ted: Or "Casual"?
Lily: Hey little old books. Ready for a little fifteen minute recess?
Marshall: Sorry, baby, I gotta work. I need all my blood (points to brain) up here. Has anybody seen an introduction to
contract work institution statutes from 1865 to 1923? (Silence) Anybody seen a big-ass book?
Crowd: (mutters) No, no.
Tatiana: Hello, Barney.
Barney: Of course.
Tatiana: You look well. Isn't it weird they invited both of us?
Barney: Who? Who invited you? No one even know who you are!
Tatiana: I understand you're hurt, but, you don't have to be cruel. Carlos was right about you.
Barney: Who is Carlos!?
Marshall: Okay, where the hell is my-OHH! (Book has been used as coaster, all wet) Okay, introduction to contract
work institution statutes from 1865 to 1923...is not a coaster! Ted! I'm jeopardizing my law career so that you can
throw not one, not two, but three parties for some girl that you just met who's probably not gonna show up. (Ted's
shocked) I mean where is she, Ted, huh? Where's Robin? (Finds Robin) Hi! Hi Robin. (Throws book on the floor and
grabs Lily for s*x)
Robin: so you threw all these parties for me?
Ted: No! Oh you thought that-oh, no! I c-okay yes. You got me-I-(laughs)-one of the reasons I threw these parties was
so that I could introduce you to uh-(Barney throws Ted a random guy) this guy. I figured, you know, since it didn't
work out between us and now we can just laugh about it (nervously laughs)-Anyway Robin, this is.
Carlos: Carlos (shake hands)
Barney and Ted: Ohhh.
Scene Six
(Party #3. Robin's sitting with Carlos, happy. Ted's being supported by Lily and Marshall.)
Ted: She's still talking to Carlos. I can still win this, it's not over.
Lily: Okay, buddy, time for the "tough-talk". Robin seems great. But let's look at the facts, you wanna get married and
right now there's a million women in New York looking for exactly you, but Robin ain't one of them.
Ted: She's not just "one of them" she's the one.
Barney: Yeah well, "the one" is heading up to "the roof". (Robin leaves to the roof with Carlos)
Marshall: What are you gonna do?
Ted: Nothing. It's a game, I gotta just-keep playing it.
[Flashback to Leroy playing the crane machine, and then crawling into the hole to get what he wants. Just like what
Ted does by climbing out the window to reach the roof-what he wants]
[Cut to the rooftop]
Robin: Hey.
Ted: Hey. Carlos, can you give us a minute?
Carlos: Hey, no sweat hombre.
Ted: Robin, look I didn't invite you to this party to set you up with Carlos. Or the one before that. Or the one before
that. (Robin smiles) I threw these parties because I wanted to see you.
Robin: Well, here I am.
Ted: There's something here, look, unless I'm crazy.
Robin: (exhales) you're not crazy. I-I don't know, Ted, I mean we barely know each other and you're looking at me
with that look and it's like-(struggles)
Ted: Like what?
Robin: like-let's fall in love, and get married and have kids and drive them to soccer practice.
Ted: I'm not gonna force sports on them unless they're interested.
Robin: (laughs) It's a great look. But you're looking at the wrong girl.
Ted: No, I'm not.
Robin: Yes, you are. I don't wanna get married right now, maybe ever and if we got together I'd feel like I'd either
have to marry you or break your heart and-I just couldn't do either of those things. Just like you can't turn off the way
you feel.
Ted: (reaches in his Jacket) Click. Off. Let's make out.

Robin: (laughs) What?
Ted: What? That was the off switch! And I turned it off. I mean sure yes, I wanna fall in love get married blah, blah,
blah, but-on the other hand... you... me...the roof.
Robin: There's no off switch.
Ted: There is an off switch... and it's off.
Robin: (smiling) no, it's not.
Ted: (silence) yes, it is. (They draw closer)
Robin: No (smiles)...it's-not.
Ted: Yes-it is (they kiss long) No it's not. You're right, there's no off switch. God I wish there was an off switch.
Robin: (sighs) me too.
(Silence. They laugh)
Ted: So (They mutter together. Then laugh)
Robin: we could be friends (shrugs)
Ted: Oh (clutches heart)
Robin: look, I know it sounds insincere when people say that but... we could.
Ted: I don't know, Robin. I made such a jackass out of myself here, every time we start hanging out it'll be like, "Oh-
that's right-I'm a jackass."
Robin: You're not a jackass. I'm sorry. I only moved here in April and I'm always working and-I just haven't met a lot of
good people so far. But I understand.
Ted: Well-uh-maybe in a few months after it's not so fresh, we could all-uh...you know, get a beer.
Robin: yeah. (sighs) That sounds good. I'll see you, Ted. (walks away)
Ted: Or, you know-now. (Robin looks at Ted) We could all get a beer now.
Robin: (Smiles) I'd like that.
Ted: My friends are goanna love you-like you-you know, as a friend. (Robin giggles) Jackass.
[Fades to Bar Scene]

Barney: Unbelievable. That is just a recipe for disaster, they work together (Carlos and Tatiana are making out)
Ted: You jealous?
Barney: Oh, please, what does Carlos have that I don't?
Robin: a date tonight?
Marshall, Lily and Ted: Ohh!!
Lily: Stop the tape, rewind-play it again.
Robin: (Imitates a rewinding tape) a date tonight? (smiles)
Mashall, Lily and Ted: Ohh!!
Barney: I'm not sure I like her.
Ted: Hey, don't you have a paper to write?
Marshall: Dude, you're talking to the kid.
Ted: I know it.
Marshall: I'm goanna knock back this beer. I'm gonna knock back one more beer. I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna write
a twenty-five page paper. I'm gonna hand it in and I'm gonna get a A. My name is Rufus, and that's the Trufus.
[Scene Freezes]
Narrator: He got a B Minus. But still-twenty-five pages in one night, B minus? The kid was good.
[Scene Continues]
Ted: At least let me buy you a beer. Come on I'll buy everyone a beer.
Robin: I'll help carry. You know something, Ted?
Ted: What?
Robin: You are a catch. You're gonna make some girl very happy, and I am going to help you find her.
Ted: (laughs) Well, good luck. I mean maybe New York's just too big a town, you know? There's millions of people in
this city. How in all this mess is a guy supposed to find the love of his life? I mean, where do you even begin?
(Robin taps a random woman at the bar)
Robin: Hi, Have you met Ted?

(Cute girl shakes head)
(Music Takes over)
Ted: (mouths) Hi, I'm Ted (Robin takes the beer to the table. Ted watches her while the Cute Girl talks to him. Robin
looks back. Smiles. Ted engages into a conversation)
03 - Sweet Taste of Liberty
Narrator: So there was this one night, before I met your mother when I really wanted to go to the bar.
Son: The bar? Big surprise!
Daughter: You sure spend a lot of time in bars...
Narrator: Well that's just what we did back then.
(Shows picture of Ted)
Narrator: Me.
(Shows picture of Marshall and Lily sitting at a booth at the bar)
Narrator: Marshall and Lily.
(Shows picture of Barney using a payphone)
Narrator: Barney
(Shows picture of Lily and Robin, Pans in on Robin)
Narrator: We all used to hang out at this one bar called "MacLaren's".
(Shows picture of the whole gang in front of a camera)
Narrator: But then one night.
[The Year 2005]
[In the Street - Ted/Lily/Marshall]
(Ted and Lily on the phone walking with Marshall)
Ted: (On Phone) Why don't we go to MacLaren's?
Lily: (On Phone) Let's go to MacLaren's.
Marshall: You guys talking to each other? Nobody's listening.

Ted: What's wrong with MacLaren's?
(Cut to Barney in Taxi)
Barney: (On Phone) MacLaren's is bore, snore. Ted, tonight we're going to go out. We're going to meet some ladies.
It's going to be legendary. Phone-five! (High-fives the phone)
(Scene Freezes)
Narrator: I had no idea why I hung out with Barney.
(Scene unfreezes)
Barney: You didn't phone-five did you? I know when you don't phone-five, Ted. Come on, we always go to
MacLaren's.
(Cut to Ted)
Ted: Yeah, cause MacLaren's is fun...
Barney: MacLaren's is this much fun. What I'm offering is the chance to have this much fun.
Ted: See, you say that. You say it's going to be this much fun. But most of the time it ends up being this much fun.
This much fun is good! It's safe. It's guaranteed!
Barney: This hand gesture thing doesn't really work on the phone, does it?
Ted: No it doesn't.
(Cab pulls up right beside Ted. Barney's head pops out of the window.)
Barney: Get in the cab. Marshall you too.
Marshall: Oh, I wish I could... I think Lily and I are just goi...
Barney: I understand. (To Ted) Get in the cab.
Ted: Why can Marshall say no?
Barney: Uhh... because he's getting laid.
Marshall: Consistently.
Barney: (Doing "I see you" hand motion) Ted, Ted, Ted. Right here. You keep going to the same bar, you're in a rut and
I am a rut buster. I'm going to bust your rut (Smiles).
Ted: It's not a rut, okay. It's a routine and I like it!
Barney: Ted, what's the first syllable in rutting (trying to make it sound like "routine". Ted gives in and jumps in the
cab) Peace out, suckers. (Cab speeds off.)
Ted: Alright, so what's this legendary plan.
Barney: First we got to pick someone up at the airport.
Ted: Okay, I'm outta here.
Barney: (To cabdriver) Estaban, doors! (Cab doors lock)
[The Airport - Barney/Ted]
(Ted walks alongside Barney who is carrying two suitcases, one in each hand.)
Barney: Just this one little thing and the rest of the night is ours.
Ted: Why do you have those suitcases, and who are we picking up?
Barney: I don't know. Maybe her? Or her.
Ted: Wait so when you said you were going to "pick someone up at the airport". You meant you were going to "pick
someone up at the airport".
Barney: (winks) Scenario. Couple of girls fly into town, looking for a fun weekend in NYC when they meet two
handsome international business men just back from a lucrative trip to Japan. Sample dialogue, "You have a wheelie
bag? Wh... I have a wheelie bag!"
Ted: You've gotta be kidding me.
Barney: False. Sidebar, tuck in your shirt. You look sketchy.
Ted: I'm sketchy?
Barney: Trust me, it's going to be legendary.
Ted: Don't say "legendary", okay? You're too liberal with the word legendary.
[Flashback - Ted answering the door to Barney]
Barney: We're building an igloo in Central Park. It's gonna be legendary. Snow suit up!
[Flashback ends]
Barney: Ted, Ted, Ted. Right here! This is happening. Now you can either put your bags on the carousel now, or you
can listen to me give you a really long speech convincing you to put the bags on the carousel. Your move. (Silence)
Ted, since the dawn of time mankind has struggled... (Ted puts bags on carousel)
[The Apartment - Marshall]
(Marshall studying in the Apartment)
Narrator: That night, Marshall had a ton of studying to do. So Lily went out with Robin who was new to New York and
looking for a friend.
[The Bar - Lily/Robin]
Lily: I'm so glad we finally get to hang out just the two of us!
Robin: Yeah.
Lily: You sure you're okay giving up your Friday night to hang with an old almost-married lady?
Robin: Oh please, I'm so sick of the "meet-market" scene. Guys are like a subway. You miss one, another one comes
along in five minutes.
Lily: Unless it's the end of the night, then you get on anything.
Robin: Heyow!
(Carl, the Bartender, gives them two drinks)
Carl: Compliments of that guy.
Lily: Really? Sweet.
Carl: Oh, for you it's six dollars.
Lily: I guess that's one drawback to being engaged. I'm sure that's why he didn't...
(Man interjects)
Guy#1: Hey.
Lily: (peeking over his shoulder) Oh. Oh, hello!
[The Airport - Ted/Barney]
Ted: (To waiting woman) So...uh, did you just get in from Detroit? (Points to self) Japan. (Woman leaves)
Barney: Okay, carousel four is tapped out. Ready? Because I'm about to drop some knowledge. Cute girls are not
from Buffalo. Time-out. Ten o'clock. You ready to rock this, Tedder?
Ted: Alright, um, I think we need to refine our back-story first. How did we...
Barney: Ted, you klutzy, great guy, you! (Barney shoves Ted into two lady's cart and Ted trips backwards. To Women)
Hey, Barney. (Adjusts tie)
Laura: Oh, my god. (To Ted) Are you okay?
Ted: I... I'm so sorry.
Laura: It's fine, oh, you were a little shaky on your landing. I'd give you a 9.2. (Laughs)
Ted: So, hi... I'm Ted.
Laura: Laura. (Shaking hand) Look I'm really sorry that we have to hit and run but we've got a plane to catch. (Looks
to friend, Tatiana)
Ted: Oh, where're you headed?
Laura: Philadelphia.
Barney: Philly? That's where we're headed!
Laura: You are? Well...uh...guess we'll see you on the plane.
Barney: Yes, you will. (Girls leave. To Ted) Follow them, tickets on me.
Ted: No, Barney. Don't you get on that escalator! And don't you dare get on that subsequent escalator!
[The Apartment - Marshall]
(Marshall studying)
Marshall: (singing) Studyin' law. Making a responsible choice for my future... on a Friday Night. Bein' a lawyer had
better be awesome.
(Phone Rings)
Marshall: (on Phone. Singing) What's up, Ted?
Ted: (on Phone) Are you alright?
Marshall: (on Phone) Yeah.
Ted: (on Phone) Hey, guess where I am? I'm on a... ready? Plane to... ready?...Philadelphia.
Marshall: (on Phone) That is awesome.
Barney: Hey, is that Marshall? (Takes Phone) Marshall, stop whatever you're doing, get in that hoopty-ass Vierro of
yours and come meet us in Philly. It's going to be legendary.
Marshall: (on Phone) Man, I wish I could, guys, but...
Barney: Yeah, yeah, yeah... I sent you some pictures on my phone, check it. (Pictures show Barney doing "I see you"
hang gesture) Philly! (Hangs up. To Ted) Admit it, you're having fun. This much fun. Thirty-five thousand feet of fun!
Ted: Well I didn't think we'd be on a flying to Philadelphia when I woke up this morning, I'll give you that.
Barney: Let's go talk to those girls.
Ted: Whoa, whoa, whoa, the seatbelt light is on.
Barney: Ted, you've been living your whole life in a seatbelt. It's time to unclick. (Unclicks)
Fight Attendant: (Walks by) Sir, seatbelt light's on.
Barney: (sits back down) Yeah, sorry, sorry.
Lily: So I grew up in Park Slope.
Robin: Oh, I love Park Slope. When did you move to Manhattan?
Guy#2: (Interrupts. To Robin) You're from Park Slope.
Robin: (Smiling) Uh, no she is. (Points to Lily)
Guy#2: (Ignoring Lily) So where're you from? Heaven.
Robin: Yeah, I'm a ghost! Died fifteen years ago, like that pickup line.
Lily: (Laughs) Heyow.
(Guy#2 leaves)
Robin: God, I'm so sorry.
Lily: Oh, believe me I've been there. I have this line that I use when guys come (Guy#3 walks by) Check it out.
Guy#3: (To Robin) Hey.
Lily: You take this one, I'll save it for the next one.
[In the Plane - Ted/Barney/Laura/Tatiana]
(Ted and Barney are chatting with Laura and Tatiana)

Ted: So what brings you guys to Philly?
Laura: We're visiting our boyfriends.
Tatiana: I think Chris is going to propose this weekend!
Laura: (laughs) Isn't that great.
Ted: (To Barney) So great.
Narrator: So there we were, stuck on a plane to Philadelphia with two very unsingle girls. All thanks to your Uncle
Barney.
Laura: (Shows them pictures) Aren't they cute? They're both linebackers for the Eagles.
Ted: Both? (To Barney) Both of their boyfriends are linebackers.
(Lily on cell phone with Marshall)
Lily: (On Phone) You're going to Philly? Why...
Marshall: (On Phone) I...I didn't ask.
Lily: (On Phone) Well it sounds like you're having a lot more fun than I am. I'm just talking to guys' backs while they
hit on Robin.
Marshall: (On Phone) Ouff, yeah... I bet she gets that a lot.
Lily: (On Phone) Don't you bet I get that a lot?
Marshall: (On Phone) Not with a ring on your finger. I mean, you know, guys see the ring and it's like Cha-Chung!
Marshall parking only.
Lily: (On Phone) Oh, of course, that's it the ring! I guess I'm not used to it yet.
Marshall: (On Phone) Oh, it's totally the ring. If you took that ring off your finger, you'd have a ton o' guys crowding
around your junk.
Lily: (On Phone) I'm not going to take off my ring! Wouldn't you be jealous of guys swarming all over my beeswax?
Mashall: (On Phone) Oh yeah, you know me, I'm the jealous type. Any groom so much as look at you, I'm a sack him
in the kisser, no seriously, you girls have a good time tonight. (hangs up)
Lily: (On Phone) Bye.
(Lily takes ring off and places it in her pocket)

Lily: Robin! Robin. (Waves her left hand ridiculously to show that she has no ring. Robin walks over) Hey, I'm over
here.
[Marshall's car - Marshall](Split scene of Barney and Ted vs. Marshall)
Marshall: (On Phone) G-g-g-going to Philly!
Ted: (On Phone) Marshall, don't come to Philly.
Marshall: (On Phone) But we're on an adventure!
Ted: (On Phone) We're on a Tarmac in Philadelphia, crazy adventure.
Marshall: (On Phone) Fine! (Hangs up)
Barney: (To Ted) No! No! The night is just started. Look, airport bar. Flight attendants! They'll get your tray table at its
full upright position. Say what? (Goes for a high five)
Officer McNeil: Passengers Mosby and Stinson? Please come with us, gentlemen. Keep your hands where I can see
them.
Ted: Barney, I am going to kill you.
Barney: Don't say you're going to kill someone in front of airport security, not cool. (To security) Not cool.
[Officer McNeil's Office - A cop/Officer McNeil/Ted/Barney]
Barney: This is an outrage. We are international businessmen on an international business trip. I demand you release
us immediately.
Ted: You demand!? No, no, no, no, no... he does not demand. We... we... we have no demands!
Officer McNeil: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to remain calm.
Ted: (Whispering) Okay, yeah. I'm calm... I'm totally calm.
Officer McNeil: We got footage of you placing two bags on JFK carousel three, and abandoning them to purchase a
last minute flight with cash.
Barney: (To Ted) Those bags were your responsibility.
Ted: They were your bags.
Officer McNeil: Sir, please. We're assessing the bag situation.
(Cut to JFK Airport, Carousel three. Bomb squad are hovering equipment over their bags)
(Officer McNeil's office)

Ted: Look, this is all just... it's a misunderstanding.
Barney: (Stopping him) Please. (Silence) We are international businessmen. My colleague accidentally left the bags
there now please let us go before we miss our international business meeting.
Officer McNeil: Can't remember the last time I saw an international business man with an untucked shirt. In addition,
we received this footage taken over the last few months.
(Footage shows Barney placing two bags onto a carousel and JFK airport. And then a footage of a bag unzipping itself,
and Barney jumps out of it to flirt with a woman)
Barney: Believe it or not, that duff bag thing worked.
Ted: Truth is, my friend... he does this thing where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls and we
followed some here to Philadelphia. That's it! That's all this is!
Officer McNeil: Nobody's that lame.
Ted: Yes, he's that lame. Tell them you're that lame!
(Silence)
Barney: We are international businessmen...
Ted: OH COME ON!
Officer McNeil: Sir! Lower your voice or we'll restrain you.
Barney: Dude, seriously, relax.
Ted: We at least get to call our lawyer.
Barney: Exactly! (To Ted) We have a lawyer?
[Marshall's car - Marshall]
Marshall: (On Phone) Listen to me, you're both American citizens. Don't let them pull any patriot-act voodoo. You
both retain the right to refuse to answer any questions without an attorney present so don't say anything until I get
there, alright? Okay, goodbye (Hangs up. Sings) To Philly! The adventure continues! Destroy!
Robin: It's ridiculous in here, why don't we go somewhere else?
Lily: (Unbuttoning sweater) No, this place is great (positions mouth in an inviting kiss position)
Robin: What are you doing?

Lily: What?
Robin: With your lips and everything...?
Lily: My lips are always like this (drinks martini and drops it all over her blouse)
[Officer McNeil's Office - Ted/Barney/Officer McNeil]
(Ted and Barney have their heads on the table and their hands tied behind their backs)
Ted: You had to play the race card.
Barney: Relax, Ted. We didn't do anything wrong. And, B.T.W, we'd be out of here by now if you'd have tucked in your
shirt. (Ted turns his head to face away from Barney)
Officer McNeil: Go ahead, JFK... what is the baggage status?
)Cut to JFK Airport, Carousel three with the Bomb Squad)
Bomb Squad Guy: They're clean. It's just a whole bunch of condoms... and a power bar.
(Cut back to Officer McNeil's Office)
Officer McNeil: You're free to go.
[Marshall's car - Marshall]
Ted: (On Phone) Don't come to Philly.
Marshall: (On Phone) Man, I'm almost half way there!
Ted: (On Phone) Yeah, we just got released and we're heading back on the next flight. Meet us at MacLaren's maybe
we can still make last call.
Marshall: (On Phone) Can't we just... just...
Ted: (On Phone) No, we can't just... we're going home!
Barney: (To Ted) We're going to Sascha's?
Ted: Who the hell is Sascha?
Barney: Sascha. (Points to Security Woman) She's having friends over for drinks at her house. It's goanna be legen...
wait for it...and I hope you're not lactose intolerant 'cuz the second half of that word is... dairy.
Ted: No.
Barney: Legendary!
Marshall: (On Phone) Legendary, that sounds awesome!
Ted: (On Phone) No, Marshall, we're going back.
Marshall: (On Phone. Sighs) Fine. (Beep) Hold on I have another call. (Presses button) Hello.
Barney: (On Phone) Marshall, we're going to Sascha's!
Ted: No, we're not.
Barney: (On Phone) Ted, Ted, Ted. (Does I'm watching you hand gesture) Yes, we are.
Marshall: (On Phone With Ted) Sorry, Buddy, two against one. (hangs up)
Robin: Ooh, look a booth opened up.
Lily: Really.
Robin: Yeah, I thought we could finally go talk, and you're not listening to me, so I'm going to walk away. (notices Lily
is busy staring at a stranger)
Lily: Yeah, yeah...booth (throws purse to Robin, spots a man. Robin leaves to booth. Man walks up to Robin.)
Derrick: Hey.
Lily: (Smiling) Hey. (Silence) I'm engaged, sorry. (Puts ring on) I took my ring off! It's very, very sweet of you to come
over and talk to me, but I... just...
Derrick: Yeah, I'm gay. Just came over to let you know that you sat on a grape. (Lily peels squished grape off her
dress)
Lily: Oh, damn it! (Takes ring off and places it in her pocket, upset)
[Cut to Scenes of Philly]
Narrator: So, Barney and I hit the town. Philadelphia, PA. Our first and only stop... Sascha's party.
[Sascha's house - Sascha/Sascha friend's/Ted/Barney]
(It's messy and Ted is extremely bored. He's sitting on a couch beside Barney and they are both sitting between to
men on a yellow couch staring at space)
Barney: So, uh... you're Sascha's friends, huh?

Dana: You know it.
Sascha: (Comes down the stairs with drinks) You guys, keep the volume down. You're goanna wake my grandpa. Who
wants hard lemonade? (They all take some)
Barney: Philly!
Sascha: Shh!
Barney: (Whispers) Philly!
Narrator: Back at the bar, the girls night out wasn't going as Robin had hoped. (Cell Phone rings)
Robin: (On Phone) Lily's phone.
Marshall: (On Phone) Robin! Uh... Where's Lily
Robin: (On Phone) She's uh...
Marshall: (On Phone) Is she talking to some hot guy? Oh, you can tell me. It's totally cool. It was my idea! Hell, I told
her she could take the ring off.
Robin: (On Phone) Really? Well I thought it was kinda weird, but if you're cool with it. Yeah. It's off and she's talking
to some guy. Do you want me to go over and...
Marshall: (On Phone) No! Don't interrupt it's awesome. So the rings really off, huh? (Realizing what he's done) It's
awesome... Well just tell her I called and... tell her that... she's awesome. (Hangs up. Sings dryly) Really, really
awesome. Our relationship is built on mutual trust. (Dryly) I can't breathe!
[Sascha's house - Sascha/Saschas's friends/Ted/Barney]
Barney: (Laughs) Did you hear that, Ted? Dana works security at the Liberty Bell.
Dana: (Smiling) I do okay.
Barney: Wow it must be really well cornered off over there. You ever go behind the rope and touch it?
Dana: Only all the time.
Barney: Ever, like, stick your head inside it?
Dana: Yeah.
Barney: D'you ever lick it?
Dana: Nope, I have never licked it.

Barney: Hmm... I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell! If someone were to pull that off I dare say it
would be... what's the word?
Ted: (Decides he's going to leave) Well, this is my stop.
Barney: Legendary, Ted, LEGENDARY!
Ted: Barney, I'm going to the airport. Sascha, thank you... and uh... tell your grandpa I'm sorry I walked in on him in
the bathroom. (Leaves)
[The Bar - Robin/Lily/Derrick]
Derrick: I'll get some Club Soda for that stain. (Leaves)
Robin: (enters) Lily, I thought tonight was about us hanging out, what are you doing?
Lily: Just fending up the advances of that totally hot guy.
Robin: Dude, I think that guy is gay.
Lily: (Gives in) Oh, I know that guy is gay. Just Marshall and I have been together for nine years. I haven't been single
since high school.
Robin: You wanna be single? (Laughs) You wanna fight off loser guys all night, does that seem like fun to you?
Lily: I guess I wanted to throw this net back into the ocean and see how many fish I could catch. So far, one. One gay
dolphin. (Smiles)
Robin: And Marshall. Lily, all these girls here tonight are looking to catch what you've already got.
Lily: You're right I know. Hey do you wanna get some coffee and have an actual conversation?
Robin: If, by "Coffee" you mean "Cheesecake", then yes.
Derrick: (enters) Hey, I got that Club Soda. Let's see that booty. (Lily bends over for him to clean the stain, Marshall
walks in)
Lily: Oh, thank you so much.
Marshall (infuriated) You wanna mess pal? That's my fiancé's hot backside that you're dabbing.
Lily: Marshall, no.
Marshall: Baby, please don't ever take that ring off again. No matter how awesome I say that it is.
Derrick: It's okay, man...
Marshall: BACK OFF HOMBRE. I'm not that afraid to fight you. You wanna test this guy? Be my guest!
Lily: Marshall, he's gay!
Marshall: Oh, thank god... I've never been in a fight before. (hugs him)
Derrick: You don't say!
(Scene Freezes)
Narrator: So it turns out Uncle Marshall really was the jealous type. Unfortunately, that guys boyfriend... also the
jealous type.
(Scene Unfreezes)
(Boyfriend pulls Marshall off Derrick and drops him on the floor)
Lily: Hey!
[Taxi ride to Airport - Ted/Barney]
(Ted is exhausted and crabby)
Barney: Could have licked the Liberty Bell.
Ted: We're going to the airport.
Barney: Bong, bong...
Ted: Why do I hang out with you? Why? All I wanted was to have a regular beer, in a regular bar with my regular
friends, in my regular city!
Barney: Ted, Ted... you're not even looking.
Ted: No, I'm not.
Barney: Look, our forefathers died for the pursuit of happiness, okay. Not for the sit around and wait of happiness.
Now if you want, you can go to the same bar, drink the same beer talk to the same people everyday, or you can lick
the Liberty Bell! You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it!
Cabdriver#2: That was beautiful, man!
Barney: Thanks, Leonard. Ted, you're missing out on a valuable life lesson!
Ted: Look, I don't need you to teach me how to live, okay. I know how to live. If you want to go lick the Liberty Bell
just go lick it yourself.
Barney: No, it has to be the two of us.
Ted: Why? Why do you need me?

Barney: Because, you're my best friend, alright? You don't have to tell me I'm yours. But the way I see it, we're a
team. Without you, I'm just the dynamic uno. You know what, fine. If you wanna go home... then we'll go home.
Ted: Fine...we'll go lick the Liberty Bell!
Barney: Good, (smiles) 'cuz we're here! (Hops out)
Ted: (voice) I had no idea how Barney redirected the cab without me knowing, but we got out, Dana let us in and by
god we licked the Liberty Bell. And you know what it tastes like?
[The Bar - Ted/Cute Girl]
(Ted talking to a woman)
Cute Girl: What?
Ted: Freedom... No actually it tasted like pennies.
Cute Girl: (laughs) My, god. Did you guys really do that?
Narrator: We really did and that was when I realized why I hung out with Barney. I never got where I thought I
wanted to go, but I always got a great story.
Daughter: So, that girl you were talking to... that was mom?
Narrator: Kids, every story in a man's life is like a dot in an impressionist's painting. And when you...
Son: So that's a no?
Narrator: Yeah, that's a no. (Kids are fed up) What? Come on!
THE END
04 - Return of the Shirt
Narrator: Kids, when you're single all you're looking for is happily ever after. But only one of your stories can end that
way. The rest end with someone getting hurt. This is one of those stories, and it starts... with a shirt.
Daughter: A shirt?
Narrator: Just listen...
[The Year 2005]
[The Apartment - Ted]
(Ted in the closet taking out a shirt)
Narrator: Because none of this would have happened if it hadn't have been for that shirt.
Ted: (mouths) Wow.
[The Bar - Barney/Lily/Robin/Marshall/Ted]
(Ted enters)
Robin: Nice shirt!
Ted: Right? Right?
Lily: Look at those colors! Green and brown together at last!
Marshall: Hot top, Bro, is it new?
Ted: That's the crazy part. I've had this shirt for, like, six years... Until this morning I wasn't into it at all, but now it's
like my tastes have changed.
Barney: Booger.
Ted: Yes, hello, Barney.
Robin: Barney's offering me fifty bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.
Barney: Not some stupid word, "Booger".

Robin: But I'm not doing it, I am a journalist.
Barney: What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys... that's
not journalism, that's just things in a diaper.
Robin: For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to the City Hall beat.
Lily: City hall, Miss Thang!
Robin: So I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying "Booger" for fifty bucks.
Barney: Of course not, because now you're saying "Nipple" and it's a hundred! (Whispers) Step into my web.
Ted: (Sipping drink) Mmm... Who's bourbon is this?
Lily: Ooh, I don't know. It was here when we sat down.
Ted: Aaah, point is. I seem to like bourbon now. I could have sworn I hated bourbon. First the shirt, now bourbon. I
spent twenty-seven years making up my mind about things, right? The movie I saw once in Haden, the city I'll never
go back to because it was raining the day I visited. Maybe it's time to start forming some second impressions...
Marshall: You're finally gonna watch "Goonies AGAIN? Slow love, Chuck".
Ted: (Laughs) Not Goonies, girls. What if there's someone from my past, who I thought was wrong for me at the time,
but in fact she, like my shirt, is actually a perfect fit?
Barney: Hold up, there are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated. Breast, Implants.
Lily: That's not a bad idea. Let's think, Ted's greatest hits... what about that girl, Steph?
Ted: Steph...
[Flashback to Dinner with Steph]
Stefanie: Okay, this is difficult to say, back when I lived in LA, I was pretty broke, so I spent a month making adult
films.
Ted: Wow, okay... how many did you make?
Stefanie: A-hundred-and-seventy-five.
[Flashback ends]
Lily: Say what you will about the p0rn industry... they are hard workers.
Marshall: What about that chick...um...Jackie?
[Flashback to Dinner with Jackie]

Ted: And my bathing suit had fallen completely off.
Jackie: (laughs with Ted) I know the feeling, once... when I was sixteen, I was driving, and I hit this hitchhiker. Don't
know what happened to him... just kept drivin'! (Laughs)
[Flashback ends]
Ted: Uh...no.
Lily: What about Natalie!
Marshall and Ted: Natalie!
Robin: Who's Natalie?
Narrator: Natalie, I had so many fond memories of her. The tea candles on her dresser. The sock monkey collection on
her bed. That one Belle and Sebastian song that she always listened to. Her smile.
Ted: Man, I haven't seen her in like three years!
Robin: Well why'd you guys break up?
Ted: I just wasn't looking for a big commitment at the time, of course now a big commitment doesn't seem so bad...
maybe I should call her? What do you guys think?
Barney: You dumped a p0rn star? Friendship over (gets up) FRIENDSHIP OVER!
[Robin's Boss's office - Robin/Joel Adams]
Mr. Adams: Come in, (On Phone) Alright, I'll get back to you. (Hangs up)
Robin: You wanted to see me, Mr. Adams?
Mr. Adams: Yes, I did. I need you to cover a story. (Nods) It's down at City Hall.
Robin: City Hall? (Pans In) Oh, my god.
[City Hall, Hotdog stand - Robin]
Robin: So, next time you're passing City Hall, make sure and stop by New York's oldest hotdog cart. Today a delicious
hotdog will cost you $2.50, but back when the stand first opened in 1955, you could get one for only a nipple.
Reporting live, Robin Scherbatsky, Metro News One.
[The Apartment - Robin/Lily]
Robin: I said, "Nipple" on the news! That was so unprofessional! I said, "Nipple" on the news!
Lily: At least it's better than booger. (Laughs) Booger.

(Barney Enters)
Barney: There she is. Hey is it cold in here, because I can kind of see Robin's nickels? Now for your next challenge...
Robin: No, there is not going to be another challenge, I don't care how much you offer me.
Barney: Oh, search your soul, Robin. You and I both know this wasn't about the money. Sure, Metro News One pays
you jack and hey, a little green salad on the side's good for you, me and Mr. McGee.
Lily: Seriously, who talks like that?
Barney: Well baby really likes, is the thrill of pulling one over on those bean counters, who under appreciate you and
still haven't promoted you. And for two more hundy-sticks, baby's going to look in the camera and say this (Whispers
in her ear)
Lily: Eew. I'm just assuming.
Robin: (sighs) I gotta get back to work. See ya.
Lily: Bye.
Robin: (To Barney) Baby's going to think about it.
(Robin leaves. Ted enters from bedroom)
Ted: Found it! I found Natalie's number.
Lily: Hey, Ted. Nice shirt! Is it yesterday already?
Ted: Thank you. I am calling her; this is crazy I haven't talked to her in, like, three years. I wonder if she even
remembers me.
[Natalie's Apartment - Natalie]
(She picks up the ringing phone)
Natalie: Hello?
Ted: Natalie, its Ted Mosby.
Natalie: Go to hell. (Hangs up)
Ted: She remembers me.
[The Apartment - Ted/Lily/Barney]
Lily: Why would Natalie hang up on you?

Ted: I don't know!
Barney: Did you sleep with her sister?
Ted: No.
Barney: Sleep with her mom?
Ted: No.
Barney: I'm losing interest in your story.
Lily: Well, you must have done something. Why did you guys break up?
Marshall: He wasn't ready for a commitment.
Lily: Uh-huh.
Ted: And her birthday might have been coming up.
Lily: (angrier) Uh-huh...
Ted: Okay, so I didn't wanna get a boyfriend level gift for a girl I was just about to break up with.
Lily: So you dumped her right before her birthday?
Ted: No, I didn't dump her... right before her birthday.
Marshall: Uh-oh.
[Flashback to Day of Break up. Ted's on the phone]
Ted: Natalie! Hey, Happy Birthday! Listen...
[Flashback ends]
Lily: (hitting Ted with every word) Never...break...up...with...a...girl...on...her...birthday!
Ted: LILY WAIT, THE SHIRT! I KNOW, IT WAS A MISTAKE!
Lily: Well, did she cry her eyes out?
Ted: I don't know.
Lily: How do you n...Oh, you didn't!
[Flashback to Day of Break up. Ted's on the phone]

Ted: Natalie! Hey, Happy Birthday! (Scene splits in two to show he's leaving a message on her machine) Listen...
you're awesome. You really are... awesome. I'm just like super busy right now, so... maybe we should just... call it a
day. But you're awesome.
[Flashback ends]
Lily: (Hitting with every word) On...her...answering...machine!? And...on...her... birthday? Oh... who... breaks... up...
with... somebody... on... their... answering... machine... on... their... birthday?!
Marshall: Yeah, dude, email!
Lily: Not exactly the point I was trying to make, Marshall. That is a terrible way to break up with someone.
Marshall: Okay, in my client's defense. Is there an unterrible way to break up with somebody? No. Personally I'd
rather hear the bad news on an answering machine than face the humiliation in person. (Lily Picks up her phone) It's
the least painful way you can do it. Who are you calling?
Lily: (On Phone) Hi, Marshall, it's Lily. We're not going have s*x for at least a month. But you're awesome. Okay bye-
bye. (Hangs up)
Barney: Know, that was a big mistake, Ted. You should've done it in person.
Lily: Thank you.
Barney: Desperate "Please-don't-leave-me" s*x is amazing.
Ted: Okay, it was childish and stupid, I just...I didn't want to see her cry.
Lily: Well guess what? She cried! You just didn't have the sack to face those tears.
Ted: That was me then, okay? This is the new old shirt-wearing, sack-having Ted. I'm gonna make this right.
Barney: You know what else? My younger sister just got married and I'm about to turn thirty-sex. Fantastic.
[Robin's in a deceased's house]
Robin: An occasion that was supposed to be joyous suddenly turned tragic when Ethel and Sadie Marsolis, New
York's oldest twins, suddenly passed away on this, the eve of their one hundredth birthday. I'm a dirty, dirty girl (Slaps
behind). Ow. Reporting live, Robin Scherbatsky, Metro News One.
(Camera man mutters a word or two)
Producer: Joel Adam's wants to see you in his office (leaves)
[Mr. Adam's Office - Robin/Mr. Adams]
Robin: Before you say anything, I just want to say, I really like working here at Metro News One.
Mr. Adams: That's great. So my dog keeps going (Makes three consecutive dog scoffs)
Robin: What?
Mr. Adams: Well you have dogs, right? What do you... what do you think that means?
Robin: Take him to the vet?
Mr. Adams: Genius. (Smiles) That's one I owe you.
Robin: Was that all?
Mr. Adams: Yeah.
(Robin gets up to leave. Then stops)
Robin: And nothing about the twins' story?
Mr. Adams: Oh, yeah, great job on that one. New York loves you. You're a superstar, bye-bye.
Narrator: That's when Robin realized, no one, not even her boss, watched Metro News One.
[Natalie's Apartment]
(Bell Rings. Natalie looks through the peephole and sees a giant sock monkey. Opens the door)
Ted: Hi.
(Natalie slams door shut)
Ted: Natalie. Come on, I just want to say I'm sorry. I only came down here because you wouldn't take my call.
Natalie: I have an idea. Why don't you leave a message?
Ted: (Fake laughs) Good one. Okay, fine. I'm just going to leave this sock monkey here (Pretends to walk away)
Goodbye.
(Natalie opens door. Ted jumps in)
Ted: Natalie... I.
Natalie: OH!
Ted: OKAY, okay... I... look, look. I know you're mad. Happy Birthday (hands her a sock monkey) Three years ago.
Natalie: Oh yeah? Up yours... three years ago (closes door. Ted opens it)
Ted: No, look... I was an idiot for leaving that message. I realize how much that sucked.
Natalie: (shakes her head) No you don't.
[Flashback to Day of Breakup]
(Pans out on Answering Machine to show people listening in the apartment because it's a surprise party)
Ted: (On Machine) Maybe we should just, call it a day? But you're awesome. Okay, bye. (Hangs up)
(Natalie walks in. Everyone stands up)
One Guest: Surprise...
(Awkward moment)
[Flashback ends]
Ted: There was a surprise party that night? (Natalie nods) How come nobody told me? People think I can't keep a
secret but I totally can! Sorry, not the issue... Look, Natalie, I was just a stupid kid back then, terrified of commitment.
Natalie: And I suppose you're suddenly ready to get married and settle down?
Ted: Well, yeah, actually (smiling). I'm a different guy now. Give me another chance.
Natalie: You must think I have absolutely no self respect.
Ted: Come on... Just a cup of coffee. (Pretending the sock monkey's talking) Please Natalie. Give the guy a chance.
(Natalie looks at the sock monkey) Self respect is over-rated! (Monkey raises right arm as though it's a fact. Natalie
laughs)
[Natalie's Apartment - Ted/Natalie]
(After s*x)
Natalie: Wow. Maybe it was the caffeine, but you really brought your game up to a whole new level.
Ted: Thanks. I did just start subscribing to esquire. They have some helpful columns. The following, is from the
October issue.
Narrator: So, Natalie and I started dating again and just like that it all came back. The tea candles. The Sock monkeys.
Belle and Sebastian... all of it. It seemed like happily ever after wasn't far off.
[The Bar - Ted/Natalie/Lily/Marshall/Barney]
Natalie: Well I better run, I have my Krav Maga class in half an hour.
Ted: Krav Maga, how cool is it that she does Krav Maga?
Natalie: Thanks honey.
Ted: Hmm...
Natalie: Bye, guys.
All: Bye.
Marshall: Dude, what's Krav Maga?
Ted: I have no idea. Some kind of yoga?
Barney: You know, that Natalie... she's good times.
Marshall: Yeah, she's like the best girl you've dated in years.
Lily: Yeah, Ted, hold on to that one.
Ted: Yeah, I have to break up with her.
Marshall: I don't get it, man, Natalie is awesome.
Ted: I know, she's terrific, but I have to break up with her.
Lily: (Hitting with every syllable) Why... couldn't... you... leave... that... poor... girl... alone?
Ted: I know! I hate this. These past three weeks have been great. I should be in love with her, but I'm not feeling that
thing. It's ineffable.
Marshall: Ineffable... good word. So when are you going to do it?
Barney: She's probably on the subway by now. You could call her Voice Mail. Beep, dumped. Click. Done!
Ted: I have to do this face-to-face. I just... I don't know what I'm going to say!
Marshall: "I'm not ready for a commitment."
Lily: Oh, that's such a cliché.
Marshall: It's not a cliché, it's a classic. It's the stairway to heaven of breakup lines.
Lily: Well, I think Natalie deserves better.
Marshall: Better. There's no better in breaking up. There's only less awful. A cliché's a cliché for a reason. It's
comforting.
Ted: It doesn't matter, I already told her I am ready for a commitment, so... oh, my god... there's no way out... I'm
going to have to marry her.
Marshall: No, no. We're going to get you out of this. Okay, how about... "It's not you it's me"?
Barney: Mm... Mm! Six words! You... look... fat... in... those... jeans..., you're free to go.
Lily: Ted, have you considered telling her the truth?
(Barney and Marshall share a laugh)
Barney: Seriously, honey, men are working, here.
Lily: Ted, what is the truth? Why do you want to break up with her?
Ted: The truth? She's not the one.
Lily: So, tell her that.
Marshall: Oh, you can't tell her that. That's horrible.
Lily: Why? What is so horrible about that?
Ted: Yeah, what is so horrible about that?..."She's not the one." Why is that such a heart-breaking thing to hear? The
chances of one person being another person's "The one" are like six billion to one.
Lily: Yeah, you have better chances of winning the lottery.
Ted: Exactly, you wouldn't take it personally if you lost the lottery.
Marshall: Alright, man, tell her the truth. She's goanna cry.
Lily: Yeah, and he's going to sit there and he's going to take it like a man.
Ted: I have to do the mature thing.
(Robin enters)
Robin: Want to talk mature? I just wrapped up a live newscast by honking my own boobs.
Barney: And great TV was had by all. Alright Scherbatsky, new challenge. And this one's big. But so, is the cash
reward. For one thousand dollars, you heard me, all you have to do is get up there on the news and do one of these...
(does odd dance)
Robin: What the hell is that?
All: The Ickey Shuffle.

Barney: And as you do it, you say this, "Elbert Ickey Woods. The bangles were fools to cut you in '91. Your 1521
rushing yards and your 27 touch downs will not be forgotten. So Coach Dave Shullah, screw you and your crappy
steakhouse."
Robin: Just write it down for me. What do I care, it's not like anyone's watching anyway, right? (Sits down)
Ted: Man, she's gonna cry.
Lily: Slow loves junk
Ted: Thanks, Lil.
[At the Restaurant - Natalie/Ted]
Narrator: So the next night I took Natalie out to dinner. To do the mature thing.
Ted: Look, uh, Natalie there's something I have to say.
Natalie: Oh wait, wait. There's something I have to say first. Today at work, I had not one, not two, but three birthday
cakes, so tonight; can we just skip the cake?
Ted: Today is your birthday?
Natalie: Yeah, no that's okay... I wasn't telling anyone about it.
Ted: Today's your birthday! I... I didn't get you anything.
Natalie: Oh, it's okay. You know you've already given me the best present of all. I can trust again.
Ted: You're welcome. (Chugs wine. To waiter) Oh, so much more wine.
[West 53rd Street, Horse Stable - Robin/Henry]
Robin: Henry, as New York's oldest handsome cab driver, you've seen quite a lot.
(Cut to TV in bar)
Robin: (On TV) In your past sixteen years on the job what is your most exciting memory?
Henry: (On TV) Well...
Barney: Ahh! This is it.
Lily: Oh, boy, here we go.
Barney: (To everyone in the bar) Everyone, everyone... If I may direct your attention to the television. You're about to
see something... amazing.
Henry: (on TV) And them, in '72, Mickey Mantle rode my cab for the fourth time.
Barney: Come on, baby... bring it home.
Henry: (on TV) But the most exciting moment, that would have to be this one, right now.
Robin: (on TV) What?
Henry: (on TV) Look at me, I'm on TV. I never thought I'd have my story told. Thank you, Miss Robin Scherbatsky.
(Cut to outside West 53rd Street, Horse Stable)
Henry: Thank you.
Narrator: And right then, Aunt Robin realized how important her job truly was.
Robin: It's an honor to tell your story, Henry.
(On TV in Bar)
Robin: (on TV) You know, Metro News One may not be number one in viewer ship. But this reporter takes pride in...
(trips and falls off camera) Whoa!! OH! Oh, my god! I'm covered in horse crap! It's in my hair!! Oh my, ow... ow my
knee.
Marshall: You planned that?
Barney: No, Marshall. That was beyond my wildest dreams (Robin's wailing on TV)
[At the Restaurant - Ted/Natalie]
Natalie: So, if you ever come to Alabama, my mom throws these huge crawfish boils and she's just dying to meet you,
by the way.
Ted: Look, Natalie, there's something I have to say and there's no good way to say it. I wanna break up. I don't think
you're the one for me. I don't want to waste your time because I really like you. I wanna do right by you, and I think
the best way to do that is just to be honest. I'm sorry. (Natalie covers her face) Just let it out. They're only tears.
(Throws her spaghetti on him) Aah!
Natalie: I'm not the one for you?
Ted: I'm sorry. I just thought the mature thing to do would be...
Natalie: It's my birthday!
Ted: Yes, I know I didn't realize that it was...
Natalie: It's my birthday and you're telling me I'm not the one for you?
Ted: It's really not such a big deal. I mean it's the odds. It's like you lost the lottery.
Natalie: Oh, so dating you is like winning the lottery?
Ted: No, no, no. I didn't mean that.
Natalie: Okay, So what's the problem?
Ted: It's... I can't explain it.
Natalie: TRY!
Ted: It's... ineffable.
Natalie: I'm not "F-able"?
Ted: No, no, no, no. Ineffable, ineffable means it can't be explained.
Natalie: Oh, so I'm stupid?
Ted: Oh, god what's going on?
Natalie: Okay, "what's going on" is, you broke my heart over my answering machine... on my birthday, waited three
years for me to get over you. Tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again only so you could dump me
three weeks later. Again on my birthday!
Ted: No, it's... it's not like that. I'm just... it's, it's, it's.
Natalie: WHAAAT!?
Ted: I'm just like super busy right now.
Narrator: Remember when Natalie said.
[Flashback]
Natalie: I have my Krav Maga class in half an hour.
[Flashback ends]
Narrator: Turns out Krav Maga is not a kind of yoga. It's a form of gorilla street fighting developed by the Israeli army.
(She kicks Ted and he flies back)
[The Bar - Robin/Barney/Marshall/Lily]
Waiter: This is compliments of those two gentlemen at the bar. (For Robin)
Guy#1: (mimicking) My knee!
Guy#2: (mimicking) It's in my hair!
(Robin's embarrassed)
Barney: But isn't it nice to know that people are watching?
(Robin shakes her head. Ted enters bruised)
Marshall: Oh, my god. Are you alright?
Lily: What happened to you?
Ted: Told the truth, turns out the truth has a mean round house kick.
Marshall: Oh, man.
Lily: Oh, well you did the right thing. I'm proud of you.
Ted: I'm bleeding internally.
Barney: Hey, Ted, you know what always picks me up when I'm down? Other people's misfortune. You missed
something so amazing.
Robin: Please can we please have one person in this whole bar who didn't see it?
Barney: Fine.
Lily: Are you okay?
Ted: I really thought I was going the good way this time. I guess there is no good way. Sometimes no matter how hard
you try to do the right thing, you just end up flat on your back flailing around in a big pile of horse crap!
Robin: You saw it?
Ted: It's going against the internet now! It's okay, grow up.
Narrator: And that's how it ended with Natalie. No happily ever after. Just a whole lot of hurt. And just like that all
those wonderful memories were replaced. By this one
(Cut to Natalie beating him up)
Narrator: But you know, bad as that night was... within a year Natalie was married. With three beautiful children. So
that's the up side of her. Sometimes it happens for a reason.

Son: Wow, so you beat up by a girl?
Narrator: Is that all you're taking away from this story?
Son: You got beat up by a girl?
Narrator: Hey, she knew Krav Maga.
THE END
05 - Okay Awesome
Narrator: So kids, would you like to hear the story of the time I went deaf?
Son: Why does he even ask?
Daughter: I know, he's just going to tell us anyway.
Narrator: I sure am. It all began.
[The Bar - Ted/Robin/Barney]
Narrator: When Robin strolled into the bar and said.
Robin: Say you're my bitch.
Ted: I'm your bitch. Why this time?
Robin: Because tonight, I am getting us all into "Okay".
Barney: "Okay"!? Awesome!!
Ted: What's going on, did I just have a stroke?
Barney: "Okay" is the name of a club. Yeah, it's supposed to be incredibly exclusive. This friend of mine once waited
outside for two hours, he couldn't get in.
Ted: A friend of yours named you?
Barney: No... a friend of mine named, shut up.
Robin: Yeah, well the owner goes to my gym. It turns out that he is a fan of my reporting for Metro News One. So
now, I'm on the list for tonight.
Ted: Nice going, Scherbatsky. You're becoming a long and difficult-to-spell household name.
Robin: He's even getting me into the VIP room.
Barney: Yeah, he just wants to show you his own VIP if you know what I mean...
Robin: Okay, what does "VIP" stand for in your universe?

Barney:... I know that the "P" is pen1s.
Robin: Alright, so you guys are in. Should I invite Marshall and Lily?
(Ted and Barney laugh)
Narrator: Why was this funny? I'll explain. You see.
(Shows picture of Lily's Classroom)
Narrator: Lily was a kindergarten teacher. And so, one fateful naptime...
[Flashback - Lily's Classroom]
(Kids Napping and Lily talking to friend, Claire)
Claire: Austin and I spent Saturday night at the most charming bed and breakfast. It was so nice. What did you do this
weekend?
(Cut to the Bar)
Crowd: CHUG, CHUG, CHUG (etc...)
(Lily chugs beer)
Marshall: TEN SECONDS!!
Lily: SUCK IT LOSERS! (Burps)
(Cut to Kids Napping and Lily talking to friend, Claire)
Lily: You know, quiet time with the fiancé.
(Cut to the Apartment. Lily talking to Marshall)
Lily: I don't know, I just felt embarrassed. Claire is my age, and she and her husband do all these classy grownup stuff.
Maybe we should start doing some grownup stuff.
Marshall: That was some pretty grownup stuff we did this morning.
Lily: (Laughs) Yeah, but it wasn't classy. Maybe we should have a wine tasting party.
Marshall: I like wine. I like tasting. You know I can party, let's do it. Let's rock it, maturity style!
[Flashback ends]
Ted: Ever since then she's been signing him up for book clubs, cooking classes...
Barney: All the things you do when you know where the next ten thousand lays are coming from.
Ted: So, no. Lily and Marshall will not be doing this.
Robin: Got it. Anyway, Ted, part two of my story: my friend Kelly's going to be there.
Ted: Kelly, who supposedly I'm gonna love?
Robin: Oh, you are gonna love Kelly. She's fun, she's smart, she lives in the moment.
Barney: Translation, she's ugly, she's ugly, she ugs in the ugly.
Robin: Oh, and she's totally hot.
Ted: Okay, I guess I can take her off your hands for an evening.
Barney: So, do you have any other hot single fr...
Robin: No, Kelly works with the news breakers...
[The Apartment - Ted/Lily/Marshall]
(Ted walks out of his room, well-dressed)
Lily: Oh, no, Ted, your blazer!
Ted: What, what, what...?
Lily: Somebody spilled gorgeous all over it. Love it!
Ted: Thank you.
Barney: (enters) And his hair was perfect.
Lily: Hey we're wearing the same shirt! Oh, wait no that's just my shirt reflected in yours.
Barney: One of the twenty-four similarities between girls and fish is that they're both attracted to shiny objects. You
really never read my blog, do you?
Ted: Alright, Tin-Man. Let's hit it.
Marshall: Alright, well, have fun at your little disco, guys.
Barney: What the hell happened to these two?
Lily: Marshall and I are just growing up.

Marshall: Yeah, it's going to be sweet, too. Like tonight we're tasting all these different wines, pairing them up with
these cool gourmet cheeses...
Barney: Wow, who knew being committed in a heterosexual relationship could make a guy so gay.
Ted: Alright, cool kids are leaving now. Grandma, grandpa... don't wait up.
[Outside the Okay club - Ted/Barney]
Barney: My, oh, my there are some ferocious looking cutlets here tonight. Alright, hookup strategy, colon, find a
cutlet; lock her in early, grind with her all night till she's mine.
Ted: Do strategies ever work for you?
Barney: Question is: do these strategies ever not work for me? Either way the answer's "about half the time".
Robin: (Shows up) My bitches! Check this out. (To Doorman) They're with me. (Doorman allows them in)
Bradley: (Geek on the street) Uh... we're her bitches too. (Doorman gives them a look) We'll wait here...
[The Apartment, the Wine Tasting Party - Marshall/Lily/Their friends]
Chris:...And with todays interest rate climbing, you gotta go for the thirty year fixed mortgage.
Austin: Oh, totally. (High-five) So, Marshall, what about you? You guys thinking house, baby?
Claire: Ah! (Laugh)
Marshall: Ah, no I think we're going to wait on the baby thing. I mean I love babies. Babies rule. Pudgy arms and stuff,
but they make you old. Kind of like this anchor weighing you down to one spot...forever.
Claire: I'm three month's pregnant.
Marshall: I don't know guys. It's not awkward unless we let it be awkward.
["Okay" Club - Robin/Ted/Barney]
(Coat check)
Ted: This place seems great. Is Kelly here?
Robin: Yeah, she's around somewhere. Let's go find her, I'll introduce you guys. Then I should probably dock into the
VIP room, so stupid and arbitrary isn't it, who get's to be in VIP and who doesn't?
Ted: Can we come?
Robin: It's... not that arbitrary...

(They walk closer to entrance)
Ted: Whoa... this place in lourd!
Barney: You think?
(The enter dance floor)
(Incredibly loud music. You can't hear anything the characters are saying... you see subtitles)
Barney: (Subtitle) Okay, it's a little loud.
Robin: (Subtitle) There's Kelly. (Leads them through the crowd)
(Barney opens shirt a little. Robin finds Kelly, they hug. You see them being introduced)
Ted: (Subtitle) You want to go somewhere we can talk?
Kelly: (Subtitle) Totally! (Walks him to the middle of the dance floor and starts dancing)
Ted: (Subtitle)...Okay...
(Barney dances behind a woman he doesn't know. Woman doesn't notice who he is but accepts. They grind.)
[The Apartment - Lily/Marshall/Their friends]
Marshall: You think it was kind of weird that Ted didn't invite me out with him?
Lily: Why, you'd rather be out at some dance club, all noisy and sweaty with the... (Imitates music beat). Is that what
you want? (Imitates music beat.)
Marshall: Is this what you want? (Imitating Chris) Thirty year fixed mortgage. (Imitating Claire) I'm three months
pregnant. (You see Claire behind him) That was awkward. (Claire turns around and leaves)
Lily: (to guests) Let's start drinking!
Chris: Oh, not so fast. In order for the tannins to mellow, you should let it breathe for about thirty minutes.
Marshall: Freaking ten ends.
[Okay Club - Robin/Ted/Kelly/Barney]
Robin: (To VIP room doorman. Subtitle) Robin Scherbastky? (Door man shakes head) Robin Scherbatsky! (Doorman
refuses. Robin walks away)
Ted: (Subtitle) So, how do you know Robin?

Kelly: (Subtitle) Sagittarius.
Ted: (Subtitle) Is that near Westchester?
Kelly: (Subtitle) I would love one. Just a beer! (Imitates shooter. Ted mouths "Oh, okay" and leaves)
[The Apartment, Wine Party - Lily/Marshall/Their friends]
Marshall: You know what they're doing in there right now? They're watching Claire's ultrasound video and I swear to
god even the baby looks bored.
Lily: Come on, it's not that bad. We're really starting to click with these guys. Claire and Austin just invited us to their
fondue fest next Saturday night.
Marshall: You're also trying to get me excited about fondue?
Lily: It's dipping stuff in hot cheese, what's not to love?
Marshall: Okay, that does sound good. But it's dipping stuff in hot cheese with boring people.
Lily: Marshall, it's time for us to grow up.
Narrator: Marshall knew she was right. He had to stop acting like a kid.
[The Apartment (Bathroom) - Marshall]
Narrator: But not tonight. Now our apartment was on the third floor, so I'm not sure if this part is actually true, but
Uncle Marshall swears it happened.
(Cut to alleyway)
(You see Marshall landing a jump on the ground, then walking off camera)
Marshall: Taxi!
[Okay Club - Ted]
(Ted edges over to the bar and orders two beers)
Bartender: (Subtitle) "34".
Ted: (Subtitle) "14"?
Bartender: (Subtitle) "34"
Ted: (Subtitle) "7"?

(Bartender writes down "34", then shows Ted)
Bartender: (Subtitle) "34!"
[The Apartment - Lily/Her friends]
Chris: The new album is great; it's all smooth and polished, not all dark and heavy like the early stuff.
Claire: Oh, yeah. Norah Jones just gets better and better.
Lily: Please tell me we can drink the wine now.
Chris: Five more minutes, we don't want to rush to tannins.
Lily: Freaking tannins.
[Okay Club - Ted/Kelly]
Ted: (Subtitle) You really like this place? (Kelly nods. Subtitle) You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? I'm from
outer space! I got thrown out of Sea World for humping a dolphin! (Music stops. Ted yells) I'M WETTING MY PANTS.
(Everyone stares at him. Music begins again)
Narrator: I think that's when I realized, clubs weren't awesome. Clubs weren't even "okay". Clubs sucked. I had to get
out of there.
[Outside the Okay Club - Marshall/Robin]
(Marshall runs in)
Marshall: Hey, Robin.
Robin: Hey!
Marshall: Why aren't you inside?
Robin: I'm calling the owner, there's a guy in there who won't let me in to the stupid VIP room. What are you doing
here?
Marshall: Oh, I had this move. So I came here to bust it. Can you get me in? (Motions to doorman that he's with her)
Robin: Great, voicemail.
Marshall: Thanks, I'll see ya.
Robin: Bye.
Phil: (another geek outside) Oh, come on! He just got here!
Man on Street: Probably famous.
Bradley: Oh yeah, isn't there a third Affleck Brother? Keith Affleck or Brian Affleck or something?
Phil: Holy Crap. We just saw Brian Affleck! (High-five)
Robin: (On Phone) And it's not that I care so much about getting into the VIP room, I have been in tons of VIP rooms,
not exactly a VIP room virgin. (You see doormen changing shifts) Seriously, call me back. (Turns around to doorman
#2) Oh, um... I was just in there. Robin Scherbatsky, I'm on the list.
Doorman#2: Name's already crossed off, sorry.
Robin: But, I'm Robin Scherbatsky. I'm a reporter for channel one.
Doorman#2: There's a channel one? Back of the line!
Phil: You shoulda snuck in with Brian Affleck.
[The Dance floor in the Okay Club - Barney/Ted/Marshall]
(Barney grinding with random woman. Barney tries to see her face, can't. Ted walks by.)
Ted: (Subtitle) I'm bailing, see ya.
Barney: (Subtitle) Oh hey, I can't see her face. Is she hot?
(Ted checks)
Woman: (Subtitle) Hi.
Ted: (Subtitle) Nice eyes. Cute smile. Out of your league.
(They continue grinding. Ted leaves. Bumps into Marshall)
Marshall: Aah! Coat wench do not uncheck that man's jacket. Sorry, just being dramatic. You're not a wench.
Coat Check Girl: No, no, no. Coat wench, I like it. I should get a sign made of it.
Ted: What are you doing here? Lily let you go?
Marshall: Lily? Pfft. Who cares right?
Ted: You are so dead.
Marshall: Oh, I'm so dead.
Ted: Wow. Uh... I'm going home.

Marshall: Aah! I put my ass and probably other parts of my body on the line to party with my bro. Now damn it,
we're gonna party.
Ted: Alright, one beer.
Marshall: Yes, finally I don't have to wait half an hour for a drink.
[Title: One Half Hour Later...]
(They come out of the bar with drinks)
Marshall: (Subtitle) Yeah. No tannins.
(Scene Freezes)
Narrator: Oh man, I can't believe I forgot to tell you this. This is important to the story. Earlier that day, Marshall went
to the dentist and got a temporary crown put in. Okay, so anyway.
(Scene unfreezes. Marshall drinks beer. Jolts, falls to the ground)
Marshall: (Subtitle) AAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!! (Pulls out crown)
Ted: (Subtitle) Come on, let's go. (Marshall refuses)
Marshall: (Subtitle) I'm staying. (Marshall dances ridiculously, in pain)
[The Apartment (Bathroom) - Lily]
(Lily talking to the bathroom door)
Lily: Marshall, are you okay?
(Walks in and discovers he ran away out the open window. She calls Marshall and hears loud music, hangs up
shocked.)
Narrator: Again, I wasn't there. So I'm a little foggy on the details. (Lily jumps on the ground of the alleyway)
Lily: Taxi!
[Outside the Okay Club - Robin/Lily]
Lily: Hey.
Robin: Hey.
Lily: Marshall just ditched out on our own party. Can you get me in there? I kind of need to kill him.
Robin: Actually, I can't even get myself in. I was such a dork. I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm Julia
Roberts. No VIP. I'm not even an IP. I'm just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter.
Lily: Know something; I'd take a pee in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day. (They realize it sounds gross and laugh)
[Okay Club - Ted/Marshall/Barney]
(They play music that stops and plays every few seconds.)
Ted: (Subtitle) There's Barney. I'm leaving. (Marshall wobbles over to Barney)
(Music stops for five seconds)
Marshall: Broke my tooth.
(Music plays for five seconds, stops for five seconds)
Marshall:...Do you have...
Marshall:...any aspirin?
Barney: Maybe theres...
Barney: a machine in...
Barney: The restroom.
(Marshall goes to the restroom)
Narrator: Now to this day, I don't know what happened in there. But when Marshall came out a few minutes later,
(Marshall comes out happy and relieved)
(Ted asks for coat)
Coat Check Girl: Rough night?
Ted: Yeah, these clubs are supposed to be fun, right? Why do I hate them so much?
Coat Check Girl: Because all of the stuff you're supposed to like... usually sucks. Like these clubs or cruises.
Ted: Or New Year's Eve.
Coat Check Girl: Or the Super Bowl.
Ted: Or parades.
Coat Check Girl: The rockettes.
Ted: Or parades.
Coat Check Girl: (laughs) You said that already.
Ted: I really hate parades. (Laughs)
[Outside the Okay Club - Lily/Robin]
Lily: He just left, in the middle of our own party, you don't do that. Unless, of course, you're chasing after someone
who's already done it, and then I think it's okay.
Robin: Well, I hate to take his side... but come one a wine tasting? What's the big plan for next Saturday, scrabble
night?
Lily: Don't check your email.
Robin: Why are you becoming this person? I heard that in college you flashed a campus tour group on a dare.
Lily: Once on a dare. The other times were just for fun. I'm not in college anymore. I'd love to go back and be that
person again, but you can't move backwards you can only go forward.
Robin: Um, pause... you can go wherever you want. I guess the question is where do you want to go?
Lily: I want to go into this club and find my fiancé.
Robin: Well that you can't do. (Silence)
Lily: Wanna bet? (They get up) Follow my lead. (To doorman) Hey, big guy. (Flashes doorman, geeks watching.) I said
follow my lead.
Phil: "Follow my lead".
Bradley: Please, please, please.
(Robin flashes. They enter)
Bradley: Those were the four greatest and only breasts I have ever seen.
[Inside Coat Check room in the Okay Club - Coat Check Girl/Ted]
Coat Check Girl: Yeah, see, everyone keeps telling you something is supposed to be fun, it's usually not.
Ted: Right.
Coat Check Girl: Right!
Ted: So, by that logic, if you and I were to, say, go out on a date.
Coat Check Girl: Then we couldn't go anywhere that's supposed to be fun.
Ted: Right. The DMV it is.
Coat Check Girl: Then we'll get our teeth cleaned.
Ted: Sounds awful, it's a date.
Coat Check Girl: (laughs) Okay.
Ted: But there's still one big question that needs to be answered.
(Music stops)
Ted: How many of these coats do you think I could put on all at once?
(Music starts)
[The dance floor - Lily/Robin/Marshall]
(Lily motions for them to split up and look for Marshall. He's in the middle of a dance circle busting his moves. Lily
just watches amazed. Marshall notices his fiancé. Lily laughs.)
[The Apartment - Marshall and Lily's friends]
Chris: Okay, this question is for the wedge. (Takes a question card)
[The dance floor - Barney/Leslie/Ted]
(Barney grinding. They turn around and finally see each other)
Woman: Barney?? (Pushes him away and storms off. Barney walks out to the coat check)
Ted: (Comes out wearing many coats) Barney.
Barney: Ted, bring your coat, we're leaving.
Ted: What? What happened to that, uh, cutlet you were grinding with?
Barney: That was my cousin, Leslie.
Ted: (laughs) What?!
Barney: No, no, no... we are not laughing about this, Ted. This is not going to be some funny story that we'll be telling
in a couple months. It's not gonna be like, "Hey, remember that time when you were grinding with... NO! And you
know why? Because, italics, this night did not happen. And you promise me that you will never, ever, ever tell
another soul what transpired here tonight. You promise. Promise
Ted: (Laughing) Alright, I promise. Let's get Marshall and go, okay. (Takes coats off. To Coat Check Girl) Hey. Thanks for
saving my night. I'll talk to you soon? Umm, hey... tip her, Barney.
Barney: Why, I didn't check a coat. And even if I did, on principle tip jars have become so...
Ted: Funny story, Barney was grinding with this girl all night...
Barney: FINE! Just... eh. (Leaves)
Ted: That's a handy new trick. (They run up to the dance floor)
Narrator: So, Marshall and Lily rediscovered their youth. It was nice, and then it got icky. (Lily and Marshall kiss and
she grabs his ass)
Barney, Ted and Robin: (Subtitle) Eww.
[The Cab ride home - All]
(They're all deafening from the loud music. Silence)
Ted: (Yelling) I'M REALLY GLAD YOU GUYS CAME OUT TONIGHT.
Marshall: (Yelling) YOU KNOW DUDE, CAN I JUST SAY SOMETHING? IT KIND OF HURT THAT YOU GUYS DIDN'T INVITE
ME OUT (Lily's asleep on his shoulder) I MEAN I KNOW THINGS HAVE CHANGED SINCE I GOT ENGAGED BUT IT
WOULD'VE BEEN NICE TO BE ASKED.
Ted: I'M SORRY, I JUST ASSUMMED YOU...
Barney: THEY PLAYED SOME GOOD SONGS TONIGHT.
Ted: --HAD OTHER PLANS. I MEAN LATELY...
Marshall: I KNOW, I KNOW. IT JUST SEEMS LIKE SUDDENLY WE'RE LIVING IN TWO DIFFERENT WORLDS. MAYBE
YOU'VE GOT MORE IN COMMON WITH BARNEY.
Barney: WHAT?
Ted: YOU CRAZY? YOU THINK I LIKE GOING TO THOSE CLUBS? I'D SO MUCH RATHER GO TO YOUR FRUITY LITTLE WINE
TASTING.
(Lily wakes up)
Lily: Oh, my god...I'm going to barf. Where's my purse, where's my purse? (Sleeps) I'm okay.
Ted: PROBLEM IS... YOU CAN'T DO ANY OF THAT COUPLE STUFF UNLESS YOU HAVE SOMEONE TO DO IT WITH. AND
THE ONLY WAY I'M GOING TO FIND THAT SOMEONE IS BY GOING OUT DOING STUPID SINGLE STUFF WITH BARNEY.
Barney: WHAT?
Ted: BUT MAN, WHEN I FIND HER. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SOME BADASS WINE TASTINGS.
Marshall: IT'S A PLAN! HEY MAYBE IT'LL BE THAT CUTE COAT CHECK GIRL!
Ted: YEAH, MAYBE IT WILL BE.
(Scene Freezes)
Narrator: It wasn't.
(Scene unfreezes)
Marshall: YOU KNOW, TED, I DON'T SAY THIS NEARLY ENOUGH BUT REALLY...
Barney: THAT PLACE MAKES GREAT SALADS!
(Music begins as Lily shifts her head over to Ted's shoulder.)
THE END
06 - Slutty Pumpkin
[The Year 2030]
LIVING ROOM
(Daughter and Son sitting on couch)
Future Ted: You know how Aunt Robin's a big fan of Halloween, always dressing up in crazy costumes? Well, she
wasn't always that way. Back in 2005, she thought she was too cool for Halloween, unlike Aunt Lily.
BAR
(Present day, Marshall, Barney and Robin sit at booth; Lily enters bar and heads over to them)
Lily: Guess what came in the mail today?
(Lily sits down next to Marshall)
Marshall: Our costumes? Do they rule?
Lily: They rule. And yours is 100% wool so you won't get hypothermia like last year.
Marshall: Tarzan nipple blue.
Barney: You know what I love about Halloween? It's the one night of the year chicks use to unleash their inner ho-
bag. If a girl dresses up as she a witch, she's a slutty witch. If she's a cat, she's a slutty cat. If she's a nurse...
Lily (interrupting): Wow, we get it.
Barney: She's a slutty nurse.
Marshall: Robin, what are you doing for Halloween?
Robin: Oh, I don't know. Probably hanging out with Mike, this guy I've been seeing.
Lily: Mike? There's a Mike? You have a boyfriend? You haven't told us?
Robin: No, I mean, he's not my boyfriend. He's just this guy I've been seeing for a couple of weeks.
Lily (in a sing-song voice): Boyfriend.
Marshall: So why haven't we met him?

Robin: We're not really ready to go public yet.
Barney (in a sing-song voice): Married.
Lily: How about we go about a Halloween double-date?
Robin: I don't know, we were kinda thinking about staying at home and dressing up as naked people.
Lily: Come on, Robin, trot our your new fella. Let us judge and evaluate him behind your back. It'll be fun.
(Marshall looks over to see Ted approaching)
Marshall: Hey, Ted, you'll never guess what happened?
Ted: Your costumes came.
Marshall: Our costumes...yes, that is why we're best friends.
Robin: Hey, Ted, what are you doing for Halloween?
Ted: Well.
Marshall, Lily, Barney: Awww.
Robin: What?
Lily: Every Halloween Ted waits for the Slutty Pumpkin.
Ted: That's right.
Robin: What's the Slutty Pumpkin?
Ted: You mean, who is the Slutty Pumpkin? It was four years ago.
EXT. ROOFTOP
(Ted at Halloween party 4 years ago)
Ted: I was at this Halloween party up on the roof of our building. I'm about to call it an early night when out of
nowhere appeared this girl in the sexiest pumpkin costume.
BAR
Robin: Wait, how can a pumpkin costume be sexy?
Ted: It was carved in strategic places.

Ted: So, uh, we're at the bar and I see her mix kahlua...
Lily: Kahlua and root beer
Marshall: A cocktail she invented herself.
Ted: And she...
Barney: And she called it the Tootsie Roll.
Lily, Marshall, Barney: Because it tastes like an alcoholic Tootsie Roll.
Ted: Hey, can I please tell this story? So we had this instant connection. She gave me her number, but then
something...
Marshall, Lily, Barney: Something went terribly wrong.
Ted: Guys! Something went terribly wrong.
APARTMENT
(Halloween four years ago, Lily, dressed up as Sonny, is passing out candy at front door)
Lily: Happy Halloween.
(Ted walks in through front door)
Ted: Sonny, where's Cher?
Lily: Cher?
(Marshall walks in from his bedroom dressed up as a woman)
Marshall: Right here, babe.
Ted: I just met the perfect woman. She's funny. She's beautiful. She loves Star Wars.
Marshall: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. What's her take on Ewoks?
Ted: Loves them.
Marshall: Oh good. I don't know why people are so cynical about Ewoks. The Rebellion would have failed without the
Ewoks.
Ted: Get this, she's a marine biologist. She spent a year in Antarctica studying penguins.
Marshall: Oh, penguins are cool, kinda like black and white Ewoks. I approve.
Ted: Hey, where's my, uh, Kit Kat? I put it right here on this table.
Lily: I don't know, but we have plenty of chocolate here.
Ted: No no no, you don't understand. I need that Kit Kat. She wrote her number on that wrapper. Where is it?
Lily: Uh-oh.
(Ted runs out front door and chases down kid dressed up as Dracula)
Ted: Hey, Dracula. Come on. Give me your candy. Gimme!
(Ted grabs kid's candy and dumps it on the floor)
Ted: Where's the Kit Kat? Where's the Kit Kat!
BAR
Ted: Never found her number, never saw her again. But every year they have a Halloween party up on the roof so
that's where I'll be.
Barney: You know, Ted, it's been four years. She could be engaged or married or, God forbid, fat.
Ted: I don't know, I got a feeling. This could be the year. Halloween is a night of wonder and magic.
(Lily, Marshall, and Barney groan)
Ted: OK, bring the mockery. Fine, I can take it. Come on, wouldn't it be the coolest story ever if the Slutty Pumpkin
turned out to be my future wife?
Lily: Oh, on the off chance that that could happen, maybe we should stop calling her the Slutty Pumpkin.
(Marshall, Barney, and Ted mumble in agreement)
APARTMENT
(Ted sitting on couch alone with laptop)
Lily (from bedroom): Ted, is your world ready to be rocked? (echo)rocked-rocked-rocked.
Ted: Can't wait.
(Marshall and Lily walk out in their pirate and parrot costumes)
Marshall: So, what do you think?
Lily: (repeats like a parrot) So, what do you think? (squawks)

Ted: Wow! Marshall, you wearing eye liner?
Marshall: Oh, yeah. Weirdly hot, right?
Lily: We are so gonna win the costume contest this year.
Marshall: First prize, $50 gift certificate at the bar.
Ted: And how much did you pay for your costumes?
Marshall: $100
Lily: (like parrot) Each.
Ted: Well, I think you guys look great.
(Ted gets up from couch and leaves laptop on couch)
Lily: What are you going as? Oh, like I even have to ask.
Ted: Hey, I want the Slutty Pumpkin to recognize me and she knows me as a hanging chad.
(Ted puts on his costume as a ballot with a hanging chad)
Ted: What? She thought it was hilarious.
Lily: Yeah, four years ago, but nobody remembers what the hell a hanging chad is.
Marshall: What a sad commentary on our national attention span that we could forget such a turbulent time in our
political history.
Lily (like parrot): Sad commentary. (squawks)
Lily: All right, Polly gotta pee.
Marshall: Again?
(Lily and Marshall walk toward bathroom)
Ted: Where are you going?
Marshall: It's an elaborate costume.
(Ted goes over to couch to shut laptop, Ted hears music coming from direction of door, Ted opens door to find Barney
dressed in flight suit with "Danger Zone" playing behind him, Barney walks in a few steps, takes off his sunglasses and
shakes his head around)
Barney: No, no, not again. Not this year. You're going as my wingman. Flight suit up!
(Barney throws a costume to Ted)
Ted: No thanks. I'm sticking with the hanging chad.
Barney: Oh you're dangerous, Maverick. Your ego's writing check your body can't cash. OK. Here's the plan, and I crap
you not. I'm getting us into the Victoria's Secret Halloween party. Trust me, by the end of the night, your chad will not
be hanging.
Ted: We can get rejected by supermodels any night of the year. Tonight, I'm going up to the roof, I'm gonna have a
few beers, I'm gonna wait for the Slutty Pumpkin. That's just what I do.
Barney: Hm, (putting up left hand) Victoria's Secret models prancing around in bras and panties, or (putting up right
hand) Yale preppies reuniting their stupid a capella group. What's that left hand? Right hand sucks? Word.
Ted: I'm heading up to the roof.
Barney: Well, boys, looks like it's just the three of us. What's that? Self-five? Nice. (high fives himself) We out.
(Robin comes in front door)
Robin: Hey, Chad, how's it hanging?
Ted: Hey, word play. Funny.
(Ted and Barney walk out front door)
Robin: (to Barney as he walks by her out the door) Whoo.
Robin: (to Lily) Nice outfit.
Lily: I'm a parrot.
Robin: You sure are.
(Robin closes door)
Lily: Where's Mike?
Robin: He's meeting me here. I ran late covering the Halloween parade in the Village. There are like a zillion gay
pirates this year.
(Marshall walks into living room from bathroom)
Marshall: Seriously, does my eye liner look OK?
Lily: Yes, it's weirdly hot.

Lily (to Robin): So, where's your costume?
(Knock at door)
Robin: Uh, you know, Mike and I joked about doing something together but we decided not to dress up.
(Robin opens door and Mike is standing there dressed as Hansel)
Robin: Oh, geez.
Mike: Hi.
Robin: Ah, everyone, this is Michael. Th-that is not his real hair.
Mike: Where's your costume, Gretel?
Robin: You thought I was...Oh, I was just kidding. I gotta stop making jokes in e-mails. It's so hard to convey tone.
Marshall (aside to Lily): I think we got them beat.
(Marshall gives Lily five)
EXT. ROOFTOP
(Barney and Ted walk through Halloween party)
Barney: I can't believe you talked me into this.
Ted: I didn't. You followed me up here.
Barney: This party sucks. There are seven chicks here.
(guy in dress takes off blonde wig)
Barney: There are six chicks here.
Ted: Relax, the night is young. It's gonna get better.
King Costume Guy: Ladies and gentlemen, as on-pitch as they were at Spring Fling '95, it's my pleasure to welcome
back the Shagarats.
(People applaud)
Shagarats: (singing) My bonnie lies over the ocean. My bonnie lies over the sea. My bonnie lives over the ocean. Oh
bring back my bonnie to me...
(Barney walks over to bar and drinks from large bottle)

BAR
(Lily, Marshall, Robin and Mike at booth)
Barney (talking like pirate): What be a pirate's favorite kind of sweater?
Lily: Arr-gyle.
Barney (talking like a pirate): And what be a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant?
Lily: Arrr-by's
Barney (talking like a pirate): Would think it would be Arby's, (talking normal) but actually it's Long John Silver's.
Robin: Actually I kinda need this hand to eat.
Mike: Oh.
(waiter brings food over)
Lily, Robin: Oh yeah. Oh, thank you
Marshall (like pirate): Starrr-ving
Lily: It's so nice to meet you, Mike. You guys are really cute together.
Mike: Yeah, we've been spending a lot of time together. We're even getting to that point where we finish each
other's (stops talking, waiting for Robin to finish sentence)
Robin: This cheeseburger is so...
Mike: Good. See.
Lily: I think you won the dish-off tonight, baby. This steak totally bitch-slapped my pork chop.
Marshall: That might be true but your rice pilaf kicked my spinach in the crotch so hard it threw up a little bit.
(Lily feeds Marshall some food)
Mike: (holding a fork of food out) Robin, you have to try this chicken.
Robin: Oh, well, that's good. I'm OK, thanks.
Mike: Really tasty.
Robin: I'm just really feeling this cheeseburger.

Mike: Come on, just try a little bite.
Robin: Dude, I'm kind of in the zone here.
Lily: Oh for God's sake. (Lily grabs Mike's hand and eats food from his fork)
Lily: Really tasty.
EXT. ROOFTOP
(Shagarats finish singing, Barney approaches girl in hula outfit at bar area)
Barney: Hey.
Hula Girl: Hey.
Barney: So, what does a fella have to do to get lei'd around here? Yeah.
Hula Girl: Right, cuz I'm wearing a lei.
(Hula Girl walks away)
Barney: It isn't funny if you explain the joke.
(Ted walks over to Barney)
Barney: Let's bail.
Ted: Oh, Barney, come on, I'm having fun. It's really great seeing these guys again.
Barney: Name one person you know at this party.
Ted: Well, there's ninja, back of horse. Where's front of horse? That guys a riot. Where is he?
Barney: OK, I'm leaving, but just know that this Victoria's Secret party is on a yacht. And what will be sticking to that
yacht? The Barnacle. (points to self)
Ted: Really? That's the nickname now?
Barney: Yeah, the Barnacle.
Ted: The Barnacle.
Barney: That's it. Barnacle out. (Barney walks away)
Ted: Have fun, Barnacle.

LADIES ROOM
(Robin and Lily walk in towards sink area)
Robin: So, do you like Mike?
Lily: Do you like Mike?
Robin: Of course I do. Why?
Lily: It just doesn't seem like it. You won't share your food. You won't wear a costume.
Robin: Ah, Lily, you know me, I'm just not into all that couple-y stuff.
Lily: OK, I know that stuff looks dumb from the outside, but it's kinda the greatest thing in the world when you're a
part of it. If you just give it a chance, you might like it.
Robin: Are you trying to get me to join a cult?
Lily: Robin, Mike likes you. If you don't start meeting him halfway, you're gonna lose him.
Robin: What?
Lily: Look, it's Halloween. Just put on the girlfriend costume for the night.
Robin: OK, what am I supposed to do? Buy him a giant teddy bear or something?
Lily: How about you start by sharing dessert.
Robin: I can share dessert. He better want the brownie sundae, but yeah, yeah, I can totally share.
(Robin and Lily walk out of the ladies room)
EXT. ROOFTOP
(Ted notices Barney at party wearing devil costume)
Ted: Barney. What, you're back?
Barney: That's right.
Ted: In a totally new costume.
Barney: Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have
a second chance to make a first impression.
Barney: What's with the face?

Ted: It's half you're pathetic, half I have to pee.
Barney: So go to the bathroom.
Ted: No, there's a huge line. I don't want to miss the Slutty Pumpkin.
Barney: So pee off the roof. Ooh, Ted, pee off the roof.
(Barney gets behind Ted's right shoulder, guy in angel costume comes up to Ted's left shoulder)
Angel Guy: Whoa, I wouldn't do that if I were you. There's people walking down there.
Barney: Come on, Ted, who are you going to listen to? Me or Mr. Goody-goody over there.
Angel Guy: Yeah, whatever. You guys got some weed?
BAR
(Robin is trying to take Marshall and Lily's picture so that it looks like Lily as a parrot is sitting on Marshall's shoulder)
Robin: A little to the left, Marshall. Lily, squat down.
Marshall: This is gonna be a slaughter. None of these other costumes even come close to ours.
Lily: Take the damn picture. (squawks)
Robin: Got it.
Marshall: I still think we should have won as Sonny and Cher. Maybe if I had worn that red dress. Ha! If I could turn
back time.
(Marshall, Mike, Lily and Robin sit back down at booth)
Robin: Wow, this sundae looks so good I could eat the whole thing.
(Lily taps Robin on arm)
Robin: But, um, I would much rather share this small, one-scoop sundae with you, Mike.
Marshall: Apple tart, excellent choice, Lilypad.
Lily: Thanks, Marshmallow.
Robin: Well, let's dig in, Mi... Mi... Microwave Oven.
EXT. ROOFTOP
(Barney approaches Hula Girl)
Barney: Let me guess. Every guy has used the lei'd line on you tonight.
Hula Girl: You wouldn't believe.
Barney: I apologize for my gender. Let me make it up to you. Make you a drink.
Hula Girl: You certainly are a charming devil.
Barney: I'm also a horny devil. (pointing to horns on top of head) Yeah.
Hula Girl: No.
(Hula Girl walks away, Barney turn around to see Angel guy smirking at him)
Barney (to Angel Guy): Oh, go to hell.
BAR
(Robin and Mike, Lily and Marshall share desserts)
Mike: You know, if you guys like tiramisu we found this little Italian place...
Robin: No, you found it. I came with you. Go on.
Mike: I'm just saying we love tiramisu.
Robin: I cannot get enough of it.
Mike: We're crazy for this stuff.
Robin: I'm crazy and you're crazy for tiramisu.
Mike: We love tiramisu. Am I wrong in saying that.?
Robin: No, no, no, I mean it just sounds a little bit weird, doesn't it? We love tiramisu. Is it really a group activity,
loving tiramisu? Right?
Marshall: So this Italian place? How's their cannoli?
Robin: See there, hungry.
(Robin grabs dessert from Mike)
Mike: Yeah, looks like we're both hungry.

(Mike reaches over for dessert)
Robin: Hey, is that Gary Oldman? (pointing behind Mike and Marshall)
Mike: Wait, where?
(Mike and Marshall turn around to look, Robin tries to scarf down the sundae)
Mike: I don't see...
(Mike turns back around to see Robin trying to eat the sundae as fast as she can, Robin looks up to see everyone
looking at her)
Robin: Brain freeze.
EXT. ROOFTOP
(Barney and Ted talking)
Barney: OK Victoria's Secret party right now.
Ted: Nope.
Barney: Come on, I can't stand to watching my delusional friend waste another precious Halloween. The Slutty
Pumpkin is not coming.
Ted: She might.
Barney: Oy.
Ted: Come on, Barney, this is not about the odds, this is about believing. This girl, she represents something to me, I
don't know, hope.
Barney: Wow. I did not understand a word you just said. Lingerie models on a boat!
Ted: (shrugs) See ya.
Barney: No, see ya. (evil laughs, sparks something in his hands) Ow.
BAR
Robin: Wanna drink the melty part?
Mike: You know what, it's getting late. I think I'm gonna take off.
(Mike gets up to leave, Robin follows)

Robin: Hey, I thought we were gonna follow those bread crumbs back to my place, Hansel
Mike: Robin, I don't get the sense you like being with me.
Robin: I like being with you.
Mike: Not as much as you like being alone. You like eating your own food, sleeping in your own bed, doing your own
crosswords.
Robin: Well, who uses ink? Sorry. OK, I'm a bit set in my ways. That doesn't mean that this won't work.
Mike: Actually, it kinda does.
Robin: Wait, are we breaking up?
Mike: We aren't breaking up. I'm breaking up with you.
(Mike walks away)
EXT. ROOFTOP
(Ted standing alone)
Future Ted VO: And then just when I was about to lose hope.
(Ted notices someone in a penguin costume)
(flashback to 4 years ago when Ted was telling Marshall and Lily about meeting the Slutty Pumpkin)
Ted: She spent a year in Antarctica studying penguins.
(Penguin pours kahlua and root beer into cup)
Future Ted VO: Kahlua, root beer, could this penguin be the Slutty Pumpkin?
(Ted walks over to Penguin)
Ted: Uh, excuse me, this is gonna sound crazy, but I met someone up on this roof four years ago and they mixed that
cocktail and they loved penguins. By any chance, was that you? It's you. I was crazy but I can't...
(Penguin removes head to reveal Barney)
Barney: You are such a loser. Come on, I came back for you, Ted. I penguin-suited up to show you the error of your
ways. And to score hula girl's number. Check and check.
Ted: Unbelievable.
Barney: Yes, it is.
(Hula Girl walks over and notices Barney in penguin costume)
Hula Girl: Wait a minute. You're that lame army guy.
Barney: What? No no, that's some other guy and he was a kick-ass fighter pilot
Hula Girl: I cannot believe I gave you my number
Barney: Yeah, well, you did, thanks.
Hula girl: Well, give it back.
Barney: Uh, I don't think so. I earned it fair and square. I'm calling you.
Hula Girl: But I'm never gonna go out with you.
Barney: But how will you know it's me? I'm a master of disguise. Yeah.
(Hula Girl sighs and walks away)
Ted: Nice.
Barney: Come on, Ted, Victoria's Secret party now. Let's go.
Ted: I'm staying.
Barney: Fine. Fine. (puts his flipper up towards Ted)
Ted: What are you doing?
Barney: I'm flippering you off.
BAR
(Lily, Marshall and Robin sitting at booth)
Lily: Sweetie, I'm so sorry.
Robin: Seriously it's not a big deal. He wanted to be a 'we,' and I wanted to be an 'I'. Dudes are such chicks. You guys,
I'm fine.
Carl: Ladies and gentlemen, the results are in. And the winners of this year's costume contest are Lily Aldrin as a
parrot and Marshall Eriksen as a gay pirate.
Marshall: Oh yeah!
(Marshall and Lily get up from booth)
Marshall: Wait. What did he say?
Lily: Oh, who cares, Marshall? We won!
Marshall: Gay pirate, where are you getting that from?
Carl: Dude, you're wearing eye liner.
Marshall: OK, I just want everybody here to know that I'm not a gay pirate. I have s*x with my parrot all the time.
That came out wrong. Oh yeah, it doesn't matter! We won!
Lily: I love you, Marshmallow.
Marshall: I love you too, Lilypad.
(Lily and Marshall kiss)
Robin: You guys, let me get a picture.
(Robin takes picture)
EXT. ROOFTOP
(Ted sitting as people leave Halloween party, Robin walks in)
Robin: I had a feeling I'd find you here.
Ted: Hey. If you're here for the Shagarats, you just missed the fourth encore.
Robin: I never played any team sports
Ted: Are we playing 'I never' cuz there's nothing left but peach schnapps.
Robin: I played tennis in high school. You know why? Because it was just me out there. I couldn't even stand playing
doubles. I just got dumped.
Ted: Man, that sucks.
Robin: Yeah, it's OK. I wasn't that into him. Story of my life. Everyone else is all falling in love and acting stupid and
goofy and sweet and insane, but not me. Why don't I want that more? I want to want that. Am I wired wrong or
something?
Ted: No. Look, you didn't want to be with me so clearly you have abysmal taste in men.
(Robin laughs)
Ted: But you're wired just fine.
Robin: Well, what if I'm just a cold person? Tonight, Mike was willing to look like a complete idiot for me, but I
couldn't be Gretel. Why can't I be Gretel?
Ted: Because you just haven't met the right Hansel yet. One day you're gonna meet a guy who's gonna make you
want to look like a complete idiot.
Robin: Really?
Ted: Yeah, he's out there somewhere, just like the Slutty Pumpkin. (echoes) pumpkin-pumpkin...
Robin: How do you do this, Ted? How do you sit out here all night on the roof in the cold and still have faith your
pumpkin's gonna show up.
Ted: Well, I'm pretty drunk. Look, I know that odds are the love of my life isn't going to magically walk through that
door in a pumpkin costume at 2:43 in the morning but it seems as nice a spot as any to just, you know, sit and wait.
(Robin sits down by Ted and shares blanket)
Robin: Scoot.
END
07 - Matchmaker
LIVING ROOM
Future Ted: Kids, before I met your mother, when I was still out there searching, I learned something valuable, that
love is not a science.
Daughter: Wow, that was a great story, Dad.
Son: We're gonna go watch TV.
(Daughter and Son get up and leave)
Future Ted: You see, sometimes in life, you just have to accept that certain things can't be explained. And that's kinda
scary.
(Daughter and Son return to sit on couch)
BAR
(year 2005; Ted, Barney and Robin sitting around table; Lily and Marshall run in)
Marshall: Oh my God.
Lily: I know, I'm still shaking.
(Lily grabs Barney's drink and drinks from it)
Barney: What the? Haha, joke's on you, I have a cold.
Robin: Are you guys OK? Marshall (yelling over to bartender): Another round and back it up for me and Lily.
Ted: What happened?
Marshall: We saw something, up in the apartment.
Lily: Something bad.
(flashback to Lily and Marshall entering apartment while kissing)
Marshall: I don't know what it is, but margaritas make me sexy.

Lily: Oh, mucho sexy. You quiero Marshall.
(Marshall and Lily hug and kiss, Lily looks over and sees something and looks scared)
Lily: Oh my God.
(Lily and Marshall scream and run out of the apartment)
(cut back to present scene in bar)
Ted: What was it?
Marshall: Only the craziest, meanest looking mouse you've ever seen.
Lily: Mouse? Sweetie, that wasn't a mouse. That was a huge cockroach.
Marshall: Baby, it was a mouse. It had a whiskers.
Lily: But those things coming out of his head, those were antennae
Barney: Marshall ran away from a cockroach.
Marshall: It, it was a mouse.
Barney: Oh, yeah, sorry, my bad. You're a man.
Robin: Ooh, my story's on. Ted, pay attention. Carl, turn it up.
(newscast on TV)
Robin: I'm here with Ellen Pierce, New York's premiere matchmaker. Ellen, your company, Love Solutions boasts a
100% success rate. What's your secret?
Ellen: Science. Everything in life can be broken down to ones and zeros, even love.
All I have to do is input the variables, run the algorithm, and presto manifesto, you have a soulmate, and it works.
Just ask all of my happy couples. And these are just the attractive ones, I have more photos in the bathroom.
Robin: Love Solution's Ellen Pierce, a beacon of hope for New York city's lovelorn. Robin Scherbatsky...
BAR
Barney: Was that chick at the end really a client?
Robin: Yes.
Barney: We're signing up.

Ted: What?
Barney: Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot. That's a perfect cocktail. Shake well, then sleep with.
Ted: I'm not going to a matchmaker. That's like giving up. It's the man version of getting a cat.
Marshall: No, it wasn't a cockroach. It had fur and only mammals have fur.
Lily: It was a cockroach.
Marshall: Come on, Lily, the only way that that was a cockroach was if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed.
Lily: Oh my God.
(Lily grabs Barney's drink as he's about to take a drink from it and drinks it herself)
Barney: Come on.
APARTMENT
(Ted sitting on couch reading magazine, Ted hears squeaking and tiny footstep noises, Barney barges into the
apartment_
Barney: Ted, hurry, you gotta help me. My boat is sinking.
Ted: What?
Barney: My boat is sinking.
Ted: You have a boat?
Yes, I bought a boat last year at a police auction. I just got a call from a guy down at the marina that it's leaning
starboard at a 45 degree angle. If I don't get there right now, it's gonna capsize. Now, come on!
(Ted and Barney run out of the apartment)
OFFICE
(Ted and Barney are filling out applications for Love Solutions)
Ted: Your boat is sinking. That was good.
Barney: Come on, Ted, this is an incredible opportunity. We'll meet our soulmates, nail 'em and never call them
again. (chuckles)
(Ellen enters the office)

Ellen: All finished, gentlemen? Congratulations, you have just taken your very first step.
Barney: Gosh, thanks, Ellen. I sure hope this works. I'm so done with the single life, all the games, the meaningless
s*x.
Ellen: You deserve more.
Barney: That is so true, Ellen. I really think I'm ready to stop being a me and start being a we.
Hey, is there anyway I can let it be known that I love cuddling?
(Ellen, Ted and Barney sit around desk)
Ellen: Oh, of course you can. That is so...
Barney: It's kinda hard to talk about with Ted here, but I just want someone who's not afraid to hold me at night
when the tears come. Ellen, can you help me find her?
Ellen: Get out.
Barney: What?
Ellen: I get 15 guys like you every week. Jerks who just want to meet vulnerable women, nail 'em and never call them
again.
Barney: Oh my God, people do that.
Ellen: You wanna do this the easy way or the hard way?
Barney: What's the hard way? Security roughs me up and tosses me out?
Ellen: That's the easy way. The hard way is that I stomp the crap out of you myself.
(Barney looks like he doesn't believe her, Ellen stands up quickly, Barney stands up to run away)
Barney: OK, Ted, let's go.
(Ted gets up to leave)
Ellen: Not you, you stay.
(Ted and Ellen sit back down)
Ellen: You're cute. You're an architect. Good career and you didn't use an obvious alias on your application like your
friend, Jack Package.
Barney (through office door): It's pronounced 'Pa-kojj.'

Ellen: Get outta here!
(Barney runs away)
Ellen: You I can work with. You give me three days and I will find the woman you will marry.
Ted: Ah, no thanks. I don't need an algorithm to meet women. It's New York City. You know, plenty of fish in the sea.
Ellen: Plenty of fish in the sea. Yes, there's 9 million people in New York, 4.5 million women. Of course you wanna
meet someone roughly your own age, let's say, plus minus 5 years. So if we take into account the most recent census
data, that leaves us with 482,000. But, uh, wait
48% of those are already in relationships and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and
compatibility and then you have to take out the ex-girlfriends and the relatives and oh, we can't forget those lesbians
and then that leaves us with 8 women.
Ted: That can't be right. Eight? Really, eight?
Ellen: There are 8 fish in that big, blue ocean, Ted. And if you feel confident that you can reel one into your boat
without me, there's the door.
Ted: Do you take credit cards?
BAR
(Barney and Robin sitting at booth; Marshall and Lily walk in)
Lily: OK, it's back and this time we got a good look.
(Lily sits by Barney and takes his drink away from him and drinks it)
Barney: Hey, seriously, you have to stop doing that.
Marshall: It's bigger now. It's been feeding.
Lily: We were just upstairs watching TV.
(flashback to Lily and Marshall sitting in apartment on couch in front of TV)
Marshall: Ah gosh.
(Marshall and Lily see something on ground)
Lily: OK, let's do this.
(Lily grabs aerosol spray can, Marshall grabs large phone book, Lily sprays and Marshall throws phone book on it, Lily
screams and Marshall holds her)
Marshall: Shh, shh, it's OK, it's over.
(phone book starts moving towards kitchen, Marshall and Lily run out of apartment)
(back to scene at bar)
Barney: So did you get a good look at it?
Lily: Yeah. It has six legs, a hard exoskeleton like a roach...
Marshall: But it has mouse-like characteristics. Grey-brown tufts of fur, a tail.
Robin: So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse?
Lily: It's a cockamouse.
Robin: What?
Lily: It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. It's as if a cockroach and a mouse...you know...
Barney: Hit the horizontal ten-legged interspecies cha-cha?
Robin: That's impossible. That simply can't happen.
Lily: Oh, but it can.
Marshall: And it has
Lily: And it's pissed.
(Lily and Marshall down shots)
(Ted walks into the bar)
Ted: Dude, is everything OK? You left the front door open.
Marshall: There was no time.
Robin: So Love Solutions, did you meet the love of your life?
Ted: She said it'd take three days. It's been five days. Should I be worried?
Lily: Oh, just play it cool. Don't Ted out about it.
Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?

Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. Ted-out: to overthink. Also see Ted-up. Ted-up: to overthink
something with disastrous results. Sample sentence: Billy Tedded up when
Ted: OK, I get it. Don't worry, I'm not gonna ted anything up or out. I'll just give it a few more days.
LOVE SOLUTIONS OFFICE
(subtitled '20 minutes later,' Ted enters Ellen's office)
Ted: Hi, Ellen. Remember me? I'm Ted.
Ellen: Ted, hi. I meant to call you. The computer is still crunching the numbers. Busy as a bee, that little computer.
Ted: You said it was gonna be three days.
Ellen: Did I?
Ted: Hm.
Ellen: Three days? Really?
Ted: Yeah. When someone says you're gonna meet the perfect woman in three days, you gotta put that in your
datebook, so...
Ellen: How do I say this? This is gonna be really hard. Ted, there are absolutely no women out there for you. Phew,
actually I got through that OK.
(return from commercial break)
Ted: There are no women for me out there? I thought you said there were 8.
Ellen: I know. There are supposed to be. I don't know where they are.
Ted: But, I'm an architect. And you said I'm cute. I'm a cute architect.
Ellen: How do you think I feel? I have a 100% success rate. It's my hook. I could probably find somebody for you if you
were gay.
Ted: Well, I'm not.
Ellen: A little bi maybe?
Ted: No. You're messing with me, right?
Ellen: Come see for yourself.
(Ellen brings Ted over to her computer)

Ellen: I cannot set you up unless you have a compatibility rating of 7.0 or higher, and look, 5.4, 4.8, 5.6...
Ted: There's a 9.6 right there.
(Ted points to something on computer monitor)
Ellen: Don't touch the computer. Yes, Sarah O'Brien. I fixed her up six months ago. She would have been absolutely
perfect for you.
Ted: What about the guy you set her up with? Is he a 9.6 compatibility rating?
Ellen: 8.5.
Ted: So he sucks.
Ellen: No, 8.5 is an extremely good match-up quotient.
Ted: Oh, sure, it's good. It's solid. But a 9.6?
Ellen: Yes, 9.6 is off the charts, but Sarah is matched up. Ted, look, I have a lunch. Please. I promise we will find you
somebody. Don't lose hope. There are new women turning 18 every day.
(Ted and Ellen leave office, Ted sneaks back into office and goes to computer and takes printouts, hides them in his
jacket and runs back out of office)
BAR
(Lily and Marshall giving presentation at bar, Marshall is drawing something on a little chalkboard)
Lily: He's a whole new species. The cockamouse.
Marshall: And it's the size of a potato.
(Marshall shows everyone his drawing of the cockamous)
Robin: So, what, now it's a cockapotatomouse?
Marshall: Don't make it sound ridiculous. It's a cockamouse.
(Barney and Ted are sitting at booth with Ted looking at printouts he took from Love Solutions)
Ted: My God, this is incredible. We're like the same person. Sarah O'Brien loves brunch.
She wants to have two children. Her guilty pleasure song is Summer Breeze by Seals and Croft.
Barney: Wow, Ted, sounds like you're her perfect woman.

Marshall: And like the majestic seahorse it's hermaphroditic.
Lily: Obviously the whole thing is shrouded in mystery.
Marshall: For as much as we know about the cockamousse, there are still so much we don't know.
Robin: Well, we know that there's no such thing as a cockamouse. What we don't know is what you guys have been
smoking.
Marshall: So you really don't believe in the cockamouse?
Robin: Well, I believe that you saw something perfectly normal but you've exaggerated it in your mind, you know,
um, like the Loch Ness Monster.
Marshall: If by 'like the Loch Ness Monster,' you mean, totally exists and is awesome, then yeah, it's like the Loch
Ness monster.
(Robin walks over to Ted and Barney)
Marshall: It's diet is not unlike our own, grains, cereals and it's awfully fond of cheese...
Ted: OK, this is getting weird, the similarities go on and on. She hates phonies. I totally hate phonies too. She's a
dermatologist. I have skin.
Barney: You wanna be her boyfriend. She already has a boyfriend. It's uncanny.
Ted: All right, but it wouldn't hurt to check her out, right? See what my 9.6 looks like in person, as, you know, a frame
of reference. And if she thinks she can do 11.45% better, who am I to deny her that?
Future Ted VO: That's right, I did the math.
DOCTOR'S OFFICE
(Ted waiting in examination room, doctor walks in)
Ted: Hi.
Sarah: Hi, I'm Dr. O'Brien.
Ted: I'm Architect Mosby. Sorry I just wanted to say my job too.
(Sarah laughs)
Ted: Hi, I'm Ted.
Sarah: So, what are we doing today?
Ted: I have a kind of mole on my back. It's probably nothing but I'm a cautious guy.
Sarah: I'm exactly the same.
Ted (singing): Summer breeze makes me feel fine, blowing through the jasmine in my mind.
Sarah (joining in singing): Blowing through the jasmine in my mind.
Ted: Sorry about that, Summer Breeze is my guilty pleasure song.
Ted: Oh, it's been stuck in my head ever since I heard it this weekend at brunch.
Sarah: I love brunch.
Ted: It's the best, as long as I don't have to spend it with a bunch of phonies.
Sarah: I like the way you think, Architect Mosby.
Ted: Hey, this may sound weird but it'll definitely sound more weird once my shirt's off so I'm gonna ask you now. Do
you wanna have dinner with me Saturday night?
Sarah: Oh, that's very sweet, but I'm actually getting married on Saturday.
Ted: Friday night?
Ted: Wow, you're getting married. Congratulations.
Sarah: Thank you.
Ted: I'm really sorry I asked you out. If just felt like there might be this weird connection between us. How crazy am I
coming off here?
Sarah: Only a little.
Ted: Well, by some million to one shot, and I'm not rooting for this, you wind up not getting married this weekend,
give me a call.
Sarah: OK, but it's not likely. I look damn good in my dress.
Ted: I'm sure you do.
APARTMENT
(Lily and Marshall working on contraption in living room area, Robin walks in from kitchen)
Robin: Wow, that's a pretty sophisticated trap. You think the road runner's gonna fall for it?
Lily: OK, we get it. You're skeptical. But Marshall and I, we're believers. We believe.
Marshall: Yeah, look around. The universe is mysterious and awesome. You got the Bermuda triangle, ghosts, Big
Foot.
Robin: Bad maps. Creaky houses. Hillbilly in a gorilla suit.
Marshall: Aliens.
(Robin shakes her head)
Marshall: Oh, come one, you gotta give me aliens. Stonehenge. Area 51. There's alien crap all over the place.
Robin: You can't be serious.
Marshall: My friend, you just poked the bear.
(Marshall walks toward his bedroom, Ted and Barney walk in through front door)
Ted: So, my 9.6, beautiful, charming, intelligent, engaged.
Robin: Oh.
Lily: Oh, Ted, I'm so sorry.
Ted: Yeah, it was a long shot. I told her to call me anyway if she changes her mine, but I don't know...
Lily: Whoa whoa whoa, let's not skip over this. Raise your hand if earlier today you hit on an engaged woman.
(Ted and Barney both raise their hands)
Barney: Come on, Lily, don't hate the player, hate the game.
(Marshall walks in from his bedroom reading from a book)
Marshall: On the night of July 2nd, 1947, conditions were clear over Roswell, New Mexico.
Robin: Oh geez.
Marshall: Oh, hey, Ted, there's a message on the machine for you. Dr. O'Brien.
Ted: What?
Marshall: When suddenly, an array of
(Ted jumps over to machine and shushes Marshall to listen to message)

Sarah (on answering machine): Ted, hi, this is Dr. O'Brien. About today, listen, I really need to talk to you. Call me, I'll
be at the office all day.
Barney: The doctor will see you now.
Ted: What should I do? I should totally go down there, right?
Lily: Don't interfere. Some guy is expecting to marry this woman on Saturday.
Ted: Yeah, an 8.5 guy. Look, if I was marrying the wrong person and the right person was out there and knew it, I'd
want that person to come down to my dermatology office and tell me so.
In that scenario, I'm not interfering, I'm a happy ending.
Barney: (chuckles) Happy ending.
Ted: Look, I have to go down there. I don't know what's gonna happen when I get there but I have to give it a shot.
(Ted leaves apartment)
Barney: All right, see you later. Happy hunting.
(Barney and Robin get up to leave)
Lily: Wait, where are you guys going? Don't you want to stay and see the cockamouse.
Barney: Yeah, we're gonna make some crop circles.
(pot falls down from contraption)
Marshall: Oh my God!
Lily: Holy crap. We got it! What do we do with it?
Marshall: Calm down, I have a plan. I told my friend, Sudeep, about it. He wants to show it to the Columbia biology
department. But it has to be alive.
Lily: Wait, no no. They'll do lab experiments on it. That's so mean. Shouldn't we just beat it to death with a bat?
DOCTOR'S OFFICE
(Ted enters Dr. O'Brien's office)
Ted: Hello again.

Sarah: I'm glad you came down. I would prefer to say this to you in person.
Ted: Go ahead, Sarah, you can tell me anything.
Sarah: You have a basal cell carcinoma.
Ted: Anything else?
Sarah: Your mole. The biopsy came back. It's not life-threatening, but we should excise the rest of it.
Ted: Wait, then you're still getting married.
Sarah: Of course I'm still getting married.
Ted: But we're a 9.6.
Sarah: Excuse me.
Ted: OK, I, I went to Love Solutions and I saw on Ellen Pierce's computer that you and I are a 9.6. Your fiance's only an
8.5.
Sarah: You looked at my file.
Ted: I had to. You're my only match. Aren't you even a little curious? The woman who set you up with your fiancé
thinks we're a better match.
Sarah: I am getting married on Saturday.
Ted (singing): Summer breeze...
Sarah: Ted.
Ted: Look, don't you think you're being a little impulsive marrying a guy you just met a few months ago?
Sarah: Don't you think it's a little impulsive for you to proposition an engaged woman you don't even know?
Ted: See, we're both impulsive. We're perfect for each other.
Sarah: Ted, just calm down.
Ted: Calm down! You're my only match! There was a computer and there were 8 fish in the sea full of lesbians.
Sarah: Ted, Ted, do you honestly believe deep down that there is no one else out there for you just because some
computer says so.
Ted: Didn't used to. There was math, I got confused.

Sarah: Love isn't a science. You can't calculate a feeling. When you fall in love with someone, 8.5 equals a perfect 10.
Ted: You're right.
LAB
(Marshall bring Sudeep cockamouse in pot)
Sudeep: If this thing is what you say it is, it could be huge for my career.
Marshall: Brace yourself, dude. This is gonna blow your mind hold.
(Sudeep moves cover to peek into pot)
Sudeep: You b*st*rd, I actually got excited about this.
Marshall: What?
Sudeep: It's empty.
(Sudeep removes cover of pot completely and Marshall looks in)
Marshall: Wait, but if it's not here, that means...Lily.
APARTMENT
(Robin sits on couch, Lily walks into living room area but backs away and hides)
Lily: Robin.
Robin: What?
(Robin walks over to Lily and sees what she sees)
Robin: Oh my God. It's real.
Lily: Oh, is it? Do something.
(Robin throws drink at it)
Lily: What the hell was that? You trying to get it drunk?
Robin: It was the only think I could think of.
(Marshall runs into apartment)
Marshall: Lily thank God.

(Lily points over to cockamouse)
Marshall: Lily, I love you.
(Marshall grabs cockamouse and run towards window)
Marshall: Robin, open the window!
(Lily, Marshall and Robin run over to window and Robin tries to open window, Marshall throws cockamouse out the
window)
Robin: It can fly.
Lily, Marshall: Wow.
Marshall: Be free, mutant beast. I'll miss this private war of ours. I grew to admire your tenacious...Oh my God, it's
headed this way.
(Marshall slams window shut and animal flies into it)
LOVE SOLUTIONS OFFICE
(Ellen sits alone in the dark, Ted enters office)
Ted: Hi Ellen. I think I want my money back.
Ellen: I'm a failure. I'm all washed up. I tried everything, Ted. I widened the search parameters. I tweaked the
program. Last night, I stood out on the street for five hours showing your photo to random pedestrians, no takers.
Although this transvestite hooker said he/she would do you for half price because you kinda look like John Cusack
and his/her favorite movie was Say Anything.
Ted: Come on, Ellen, I mean, a pint of ice cream isn't that a bit cliché?
Ellen: It's for the bourbon.
Ted: This isn't hopeless. You're gonna find someone for me.
Ellen: No, I won't. You're gonna die alone.
Ted: I'm not gonna die alone. Look at me. I'm bright, I'm attractive. You just have to get back out there and keep
looking.
Ellen: No, you're never gonna find anybody. And every year, you're just getting older and it's getting harder and
harder.
Ted: You're being ridiculous. I'm gonna be up on that wall one of these days.
Ellen: No you won't.

Ted: Yes I will
Ellen: How do you know? Ted: I don't know, but I believe. Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse can find love in this crazy
city, then, dammit, so can I.
Ellen: You're losing me.
Ted: Point is, something good is going to happen to me. Maybe your computer will help, maybe it won't, but it'll
happen.
Ellen: So I should keep looking?
Ted: Of course you should. And now you're gonna do it for free.
END
08 - The Duel
THE YEAR 2030
LIVING ROOM
Future Ted: So kids, there are many buildings New York City.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY BUILDINGS
Future Ted: Thousands of apartments. Millions of stories. And even though it's been decades and someone else lives
there now, there's one apartment in particular that will always be our apartment. I have so many great memories of
that place.
EXT. APARTMENT
(Marshall sitting on couch playing video game)
Future Ted VO: Marshall playing video games.
(Lily painting on fire escape, drops paintbrush)
Future Ted VO: Lily painting on the fire escape.
Mr. Madsen: Hey!
Lily: Sorry, Mr. Madsen.
(Ted in kitchen making coffee)
Future Ted VO: And me making the coffee. I had this coffeepot that was probably 50 years old at that time, and it
made truly terrible coffee. We called it Shocky
Ted: Plugging in.
Marshall: Saving game.
(Ted plugs in coffeemaker and lights flicker and Ted gets shocked)
(Interior shots of apartment)

Future Ted VO: I loved every last detail of that place. Right down to the incredibly tacky swords we hung on the wall. I
never wanted any of it to change. But that's not how life works.
(Marshall and Ted sitting in living room, Lily and Robin enter through front door holding four paper bags)
Lily: You guys will never believe what just happened to us.
Robin: I don't even believe it myself.
Lily: We were in Queens and we decided to stop by my apartment.
INT. LIVING ROOM, YEAR 2030
(Daugher and Son sitting on couch looking bewildered)
Daughter: Wait, her apartment? I thought Aunt Lily lived with you and Uncle Marshall.
EXT. STREET
(flashback to Lily and Robin walking to Lily's apartment)
Lily: I could see how you would think that but I have to have my own place. It's an independence thing.
Robin: When was the last time you were there?
Lily: Three months ago.
(Robin laughs)
Lily: What? It's like fat pants. You hope you never have to use 'em but you're glad to know they're there.
(Lily and Robin stop walking, Lily looks confused)
Lily: What the hell?
Robin: What?
Lily: This is my apartment.
Robin: Where?
Lily: Right here.
INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT
(Lily and Robin enter through front door)

Lily: What the hell?
Robin: Lily, this is a Chinese restaurant.
Lily: No, no, this was my apartment. My dresser was right...
(Lily looks around to point out to Robin where her dresser would be)
Lily: That's my dresser! And this is my closet.
(Lily opens closet door)
And I spilled nail polish there. There's the stain.
(Lily and Robin look at something on carpet)
(Waitress walks in from kitchen)
Waitress: Hi, how many?
(Lily looks up at Waitress) Waitress: Lily.
Lily: Yes, you know me?
Waitress: Yeah, from your homecoming picture. You're much prettier in person.
Lily: Yeah, I know, the bangs were a mistake. Where's my stuff? Waitress: It's all in the back. We could wrap it up for
you. You want it to go?
Lily: This is my apartment!
Waitress: Not anymore.
INT. APARTMENT
(back to Lily and Robin telling this story to Ted and Marshall)
Ted: No way. You're making this up.
Marshall: Yeah, the building would have had to give you some sort of notice.
(back to Chinese restaurant flashback)
Waitress: They sent you a notice about this.
Lily: When?
Waitress: Three months ago. Here's your mail minus the magazines.
(back to everyone in apartment)
Marshall: Well, still, legally, they can't just toss you out onto the street. You have a lease.
(back to Chinese restaurant scene)
Lily: OK so I didn't have a written lease as such but, but go ask my landlady, Mrs. Conroy.
(Lily turns to Robin)
Lily: She may be 98 years old but she's still...
(Lily turns back to Waitress)
Lily: She's dead, isn't she?
Waitress: Never even saw the bus.
INT. APARTMENT
Lily: My apartment is a Chinese restaurant. What am I gonna do?
Ted: Come live with us.
Lily: Really?
Ted: Of course.
Marshall: You sure about this, Ted?
Ted: Yeah. I mean, you basically live here anyway. It's not like it'll change anything.
INT. BAR
(Barney, Robin and Ted sit at booth)
Barney: No, it's like it'll change everything. Oh, Ted, you are so screwed.
Ted: What? What are you talking about?
Robin: And why is that girl checking you out?
(Girl at another table is looking at Barney)

Barney: Because I look good. Now focus, you and Marshall are roommates. You have an amazing apartment. Marshall
and Lily just got engaged
Ted: Yeah, so?
Barney: So, you're not still gonna be his roommate when he gets married, are you? Someone's going to move out. So
who's it gonna be?
Robin: Come on, Barney, I'm sure they've talked about who gets the apartment. You talked about who gets the
apartment, right?
Ted: Yeah, we've talked about it.
(flashback to Ted and Marshall playing video games in their apartment)
Marshall: So, when Lily and I get married, who's gonna get the apartment?
Ted: Oh, that's a tough one. You know who I think could handle a problem like that?
Marshall: Who?
Ted: Future Ted and Future Marshall.
Marshall: Totally. Let's let those guys handle it.
(back to Ted, Barney and Robin in bar)
Ted: Dammit Past Ted
Barney: You blew it, dude. Now that Lily's there, it's a whole new dynamic. They're edging you out.
Ted: That's crazy. They're not edging me out. Marshall's my best friend.
(Barney exhales loudly)
Ted: One of my best friends. He wouldn't do that to me.
Barney: Just keep your eyes open. That's all I'm saying, Ted. Little things are gonna be changing around that
apartment.
Robin: Come on, Barney, you're just being paranoid. OK, seriously, what is this girl's deal?
(Girl at other table waves at Barney, Barney waves back)
Barney: Sort of on a date with her.
Ted: What?
Barney: I found her online. I'm tired of the whole bar scene, the one-night hookups. I'm looking for a soul-mate,
someone who I can love and cuddle, or so it says in my profile. (evil laugh) But this girl, she wants the same stuff and
it's bumming me out. All right, Ted, call me from the hospital.
Ted: All right.
Robin: You're going to the hospital?
Ted: No, see, he's gonna go back over there and I'm gonna call him and he's gonna pretend that it's an emergency call
from a family member at the hospital.
Robin: Oh, Lord, fake emergency? That is lamest, most pathetic cop-out in the book. I expect more from you, Barney.
Barney: Well, stay tuned, I'm working on some stuff. But in the meantime, wish me luck.
(Barney gets up to sit with Girl)
Robin: So, are you gonna talk to Marshall?
Ted: He's gonna want the apartment. I'm gonna want the apartment. It's gonna lead to an argument, so no.
Robin: Hm, that's real healthy. So, when a serious issue comes up, your response is just to avoid it.
Ted: I should really make this call.
(Ted takes out his cell phone and starts dialing)
Robin: Ooh, can I do it?
(Ted pushes phone over to Robin)
(Barney's phone rings, he answers)
Barney: Hello? Robin: Hi there, sexy.
Barney: Hello, Aunt Kathy, what's up?
Robin: Oh, nothing. Just sitting here, thinking about you, hot stuff.
Barney: An accident? Well, is Uncle Rudy gonna be OK? Robin: Aunt Kathy's got an itch that only you can scratch, big
boy.
Barney: Oh God! Why did he think he could build his own helicopter?
Robin: Come on, daddy, break me off a piece of that white chocolate.
Barney: Well, if he needs a transplant, he can have mine. I'll be right there.
(Barney stammers and gets up to leave, walks by Ted and Robin's booth)
Barney: See you guys later.
(Barney walks out of bar)
INT. APARTMENT
(Lily is painting by fireplace, Ted is sitting on couch drinking coffee, Marshall is at table studying)
Ted: Ah, this'll be nice, the three of us living together. I think it's a good setup.
(Marshall smiles at Ted and Lily, Lily smiles back)
Ted: Man, this coffee's great. It's really great. Too great.
(Ted puts down coffee cup and runs to kitchen and sees a different coffeemaker)
Ted: What happened to Shocky?
(Ted notices Shocky in trash can and gasps)
(Ted carries new coffeemaker into living room)
Ted: What's this? Lily: My coffeemaker from my apartment. Makes great coffee, right?
Ted: Yeah, definitely. I mean, so does Shocky.
Marshall: Really? I always thought Shocky's coffee tasted kinda rusty.
Ted: Yeah, no, it did. I mean, I kinda liked the rusty taste. I'm used to it. I don't know.
Marshall: Also Lily's coffeemaker doesn't, you know, shock you.
Ted: No. You gotta admit, that shock, wakes you up in the morning
Marshall: You know what else wakes you up in the morning? Coffee.
Ted: That's great. You're right. Roomies! I love it.
INT. BAR
(Robin, Ted and Barney sitting at table)
Ted: They're edging me out. They're totally edging me out. I didn't' believe it but you're right.
Barney: Told you. That Lily, she's a shrewd one.

Robin: Yeah, she got you a nice new coffeemaker. How dare she!
Ted: It's not just the coffeemaker.
INT. APARTMENT
(Lily painting, Marshall studying close by, Ted walks into living room from his bedroom)
Lily: Done. The painting's done.
Marshall: That is great.
Ted: Nice.
Marshall: Where do you wanna hang it?
Lily: I don't know. Um, over the piano?
Ted: Yeah, that would be a good place for it. Too bad the swords are there. We kinda love those swords.
Marshall: Well, those swords have been up there a long time.
Ted: I know, right? I'd really miss them too. So, maybe Marshall's room?
Lily: OK.
INT. BAR
(Robin, Ted, and Barney at table)
Ted: He was gonna take the swords down. Can you believe that?
Robin: Ted, why don't you just talk to him? He's your best friend.
(Barney makes protest sounds)
Robin: One of your best friends. The point is, maybe it's time for some healthy communication.
Barney: Healthy communication? That's the worst idea ever. Look, you held off their first advance. That's good. Now
it's time to counter-strike.
Ted: Yeah, well, what am I supposed to do?
Barney: You gotta mark your territory, and I don't mean missing the toilet. You gotta do something big.
Ted: What, like buy a new sofa?

Barney: Bigger.
(Barney looks over and sees Katie enter bar)
Barney: Katie's here. OK, real quick, last night, epiphany! I realized what the world of dating needs. Ready? A lemon
law.
Robin: A lemon law, like for cars.
Barney: Exactly. From the moment the date begins you have five minutes to decide whether you're going to commit
to an entire evening. And if you don't, it's no hard feelings just good night, thanks for playing, see you never. Huh?
Huh? The lemon law, it's gonna be a thing, possibly starting right now.
(Barney walks over to booth where Katie is sitting and sits down)
Barney: Hi Katie. Barney.
Katie: Hi, it's good to finally meet you.
(Barney looks over at Ted and looks back at Katie)
Barney: Hm, yeah. Katie, you are about to be a part of history.
(Barney talks to Katie and she gets up to leave)
Barney (yelling to Katie as she leaves): Tell your friends.
Barney (to Robin and Ted at other table): It's gonna be a thing.
KITCHEN
(Marshall making sandwich, Lily grabs some drinks from the refrigerator)
Lily: Man, Ted's been acting weird. He started labeling all his food. He even carved "Ted" into that block of cheese.
Marshall: Yeah. Well, now it's Ed's.
Lily: He's not cool with me moving in.
Marshall: No, that's not it. I mean, you basically lived here all along. Ted loves you.
Lily: So, what's he PMS'ing about?
(Lily and Marshall take food into other room to eat at table)
Marshall: I don't know. But when he's ready to talk to me about it he'll come and talk to me about it.
Lily: Are you kidding? You guys never talk about anything.
(knock on front door)
Lily: He'll just let it fester under the surface until he does something big and passive-aggressive.
Marshall: You clearly don't know Ted.
(Marshall opens front door)
Delivery guy: Delivery for Ted Mosby.
LIVING ROOM
(Marshall sitting on couch, large red phone booth is next to couch, Ted walks in through front door)
Marshall: Your English phone booth arrived.
Ted: Oh, awesome. It's great, right?
Marshall: Yeah, I guess. Just not sure if Lily's gonna like it.
Ted: Well, I like it, so I'm just gonna keep it right here, if that's cool.
Marshall: Of course, we all live here so we should all be able to have things the way we want them.
Ted: Exactly.
Marshall: Great
Marshall: Terrific.
(Marshall walks over to painting)
Marshall: You like the phone booth. It stays. I like this painting so I'm just gonna hang it...right here on the wall.
(Marshall takes swords down and throws them down on the ground, hangs painting in their place)
Ted: Oh, so it's like that, is it?
Marshall: Bring, bring.
(Marshall walks over to phone booth and picks up phone)
Marshall (in British accent): Oh hello governor, oh it's like isn't it? Cheerio.
(hangs up phone)
Marshall: Yeah, it's like that.
Ted: I want this apartment.
Marshall: Well, I want it too.
BAR
(Girl #2 standing at table Barney's sitting at)
Girl #2: You're a jerk.
(Girl #2 walks away)
Barney: No, I'm a visionary. Lemon law, it's gonna be a thing!
(Barney walks over to Robin at bar)
Robin: For the record, your little lemon law is a symbol of everything that's wrong with our no-attention span society.
Barney: No, wrong, lemon law is awesome.
Robin: It takes longer than five minutes to really get to know someone. You keep giving up on people so quickly,
you're gonna miss out on something great.
Barney: OK, you're on a blind date, sitting across the table is that guy.
(Barney points over to geeky guy)
Barney: You really think it'll take more than five minutes to realize there will be no date number two?
Robin: Yes I do. For all I know, that guy's my soul-mate.
Barney: Bad move, Scherbatsky.
(Barney goes over to geeky guy)
Barney: Hi, have you met Robin?
Kevin: Hi.
Robin: Hi.
INT. APARTMENT
(Ted and Marshall talking)

Ted: All right Marshall, we're deciding right now who gets this apartment. It may lead to an argument, but we're
settling this.
Marshall: Or we could flip a coin.
Ted: Yeah, let's flip a coin.
Marshall: Flip it.
Ted: OK, I'm flipping it, here I go.
Marshall: Flip it.
Ted: OK, here I go.
Marshall: Flip it.
Ted: I'm flipping. But before I do, I just wanna say something. You didn't even wanna move in here in the first place.
You said a pre-war building was bad for your allergies.
Marshall: That was five years ago. Now you can get prescription-level antihistamines over the counter. Oh snap. What
else you got?
Ted: OK, I'm flipping. Heads or tails.
Marshall: You don't need two rooms
Ted: Heads or tails, Marshall. Like you need two rooms?
Marshall: We might be starting a family soon.
Ted: Oh, no you're not. There's no way you're having a baby while you're in law school. It's gonna be at least three
years.
Marshall: It could be sooner, we're not that careful with our birth control Two-zip.
Ted: Oh, come on, you know damn well I move out that room's going unused.
Marshall: Oh, and I suppose you'll get a new roommate? Who's it gonna be? Barney? You know he cooks naked.
Ted: Yeah, well, at least Barney wouldn't take the swords down.
(Ted runs over to the swords, picks up a sword)
Ted: We were bros! These swords represent our bro-hood. And you took 'em down to make room for your fiance's
stupid painting?
Marshall: My fiancé...suddenly, she's my fiancé.

(Marshall picks up other sword) Marshall: Lily's a part of who I am. And if you're such a bro, she's a part of who you
are too. She's a bro by extension.
Ted: I deserve this apartment, Marshall.
(Ted taps Marshall's sword with his sword)
Marshall: No more than I do.
(Marshall taps Ted's sword with his sword)
Ted: Great, so let's flip for it.
(Ted taps Marshall's sword with his sword)
Marshall: Flip it.
(Ted gets ready to flip coin, Ted and Marshall start sword fighting)
Ted: So, is this how we're deciding who gets the apartment?
Marshall: I guess so.
Ted: How are we doing this exactly? Is this like to the death?
Marshall: We should probably figure that out.
(Marshall swipes at Ted, Ted jumps back and falls into chair)
Ted: It's OK, it's OK.
(Ted gets up and goes to other side of room)
Ted: Can I observe something?
Marshall: That this is kinda awesome?
Ted: Totally.
Marshall: I can't believe we didn't do this before.
Ted: I know!
INT. RESTAURANT
(Robin and Kevin sitting at table, waiter dressed in futuristic costume serves them drinks)
Robin: Thank you.
Kevin: I can't believe this. I'm sitting here with a beautiful woman I just met eating at my favorite restaurant. Sweet.
Robin: It's a nice place. It's good to know the future has ribs.
Kevin: In the future food will most likely be served in gel-cap form. Plus cows will probably have died out by then... or
be our leaders.
(Robin's cell phone rings)
Robin: Just a second.
(Robin answers her phone)
Robin: Hello.
(Barney on phone looking at his watch)
Barney: (laughs) Time's running out, Scherbatsky. Last chance for the lemon law.
(Robin on phone)
Robin: Leave me alone.
(Barney on phone looking at his watch)
Barney: 4:56, 4:57, 4:58.
(Robin on phone)
Robin: We're only just getting to know each other.
(Barney on phone)
Barney: Say I'm right and this could all be over. This could be your call from the hospital.
(Robin hangs up phone)
Robin: Sorry.
Kevin: Let me guess, there's been a crazy accident and you have to go.
Robin: No, I would never do that. I don't wanna go anywhere. I'm all yours.
Kevin: Look, if you're a hooker, I don't have a lot of money.

INT. APARTMENT
(Marshall and Ted hit swords, Ted spins around and they hit swords again)
Marshall: That was awesome.
Ted: I know.
Marshall: Do it again.
Ted: OK, but this time, jump up and I'll swipe your legs.
(Marshall and Ted hit swords, Ted spins around and they hit swords again, Marshall jumps up and Ted swipes sword
beneath his feet, the continue sword fight)
Ted: Look. Here's why I should get the place. You and Lily, you get to be married. What do I get, right? I get to be
unmarried, alone, minus two roommates. And on top of that I could be homeless. Does that seem fair?
Marshall: Oh, boo-freakin-hoo.
Ted: What?
Marshall: Woe is me. I'm not married yet. My ovaries are shrinking. Ted, if you wanted to be married by now you
would be but you're not. And you know why? Because you're irrationally picky. You're easily distracted and you're
utterly anhedonic.
Ted: Anhedonic?
Marshall: Anhedonic. It means you can't enjoy anything.
Ted: The hell I can't. I'm enjoying this.
Marshall: I know, this rules.
(Marshall and Ted continue sword fight)
Marshall: Hey, I'm sorry I took the swords down.
Ted: That's OK, it led to this totally rad sword fight, didn't it?
Marshall: Yeah it did.
(Marshall is standing on table and they lock swords)
Marshall: You remember when we first got these swords?
Ted: It was the day we moved in.

(flashback to day they moved in, Marshall is assembling coffee table, Ted just mounted swords on wall)
Ted: Congratulations, Marshall. We live in an apartment with swords on the wall.
Marshall: List of lifelong dreams, you're not half as long. Crap. I'm missing one of the screws for this table
Ted: Just use this wood glue, it'll hold.
Marshall: Yeah.
(back to present scene, Lily enters apartment through front door, table collapses under Marshall and he falls back
towards front door, Lily screams, Ted screams with horror with hands to face)
INT. RESTAURANT
(Robin is on phone)
Robin: Oh God, I'll be right there.
(Robin hangs up phone)
Robin: Kevin, I'm so sorry. I have to go. My friend's been stabbed with a sword.
Kevin: Hab slosi quch! You have no honor. You know, if you felt this way you could have just been upfront.
Robin: No, I swear that was a real call. I just...Oh forget it.
(Robin gets up and leaves restaurant) INT. HOSPITAL WAITING AREA
(Ted and Marshall sitting, Marshall's holding flowers)
Marshall: I stabbed Lily. I stabbed my fiancé.
Ted: Come on, Marshall, do you really think she's still your fiancé? I'm kidding. Hey, I think you guys should have the
apartment. Marshall: But you fought so bravely for it.
Ted: I wasn't fighting for the apartment. I was fighting for...I don't know...for everything to stay the way it is. But I'm
not gonna get that, so, seriously, take the place, it's yours.
(Robin and Barney enter waiting area)
Robin: Is she OK?
Marshall: They're just patching her up. She's gonna be fine.
Barney: So get this, I was on a date with this girl, Jackie.

(Ted, Marshall and Robin look at him surprised)
Barney: What? You said she's fine. So, anyway, I was on date with this girl, Jackie.
INT. BAR
(Barney sitting at table with Jackie)
Barney: Wow, Jackie, you make a really great first impression. I have a feeling that tonight you might end up being
Jackie O.
Jackie: Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to lemon law you.
INT. HOSPITAL WAITNG ROOM
Barney: It's out there, it's a thing. The lemon law is a thing. Damn, I should have called it Barney's law.
Robin: But you're totally...
Ted: Just let him have this one.
(Doctor exits examining room to go into waiting area)
Doctor: All set. She said she'd like to see the knights of the poorly constructed round table?
Marshall: That's us.
(Marshall and Ted get up and go into examining room)
INT. EXAM ROOM
(Ted and Marshall stand sheepishly in front of Lily, Lily sits on exam table with right shoulder bandaged)
Lily: A sword fight?
Marshall, Ted: Sorry, Lily.
Lily: On Monday, I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class who I teach not to run with scissors that my fiancé ran
me through with a frickin' broad sword.
Marshall: Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.
Lily: I'm sorry, is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me?
Marshall: You're right. I'm sorry. We were fighting to see who gets the apartment. And I won.
Ted: Uh, you didn't win. I gave it to you.

Marshall: Uh, you know, if I tried...
Lily: Wait wait wait wait wait. I don't want that apartment. It's a boy apartment. It's full of swords and videogames,
and kinda smells like dude. It's fine for now, but when we get married, I wanna start a new life with you in a new
place.
Marshall: Gonna miss the old place.
(Marshall sits next to Lily)
Lily: I will too. We're not getting married for like a year.
Ted: Yeah, that's Future Marshall's problem. Let that guy deal with it.
Marshall: Totally.
Lily: Maybe it's the massive blood loss talking but I'm starving.
Marshall: Let's go get some dinner.
Lily: I know just the place.
INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT
(Robin, Marshall, Lily, Ted, and Barney sitting around table)
Ted: Chinese restaurant, I still don't believe it.
Lily: I told you. OK, a toast.
(Everyone lifts their cup)
Lily: Life is full of changes. One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a house of dumplings. But the important
stuff doesn't change. To the important stuff.
(Everyone clinks glasses)
Everyone: Here here. Cheers
Barney: And to the lemon law.
(Barney lifts up his glass, no one joins him)
Barney: Self-clink.
(Barney picks up another cup and clinks his two cups together)
Lily: And by the way, I bought these glasses. I bought them at Ikea. These are my glasses.
Marshall: I love this song. I haven't heard this in forever.
Lily: I'm pretty sure this is a mixed tape you made me in sophomore year.
Robin: Lily, your apartment makes the best Shanghai dumplings.
Marshall (on tape): I love you, Lily. Happy Valentine's Day 1998.
END
09 - Belly Full of Turkey
THE YEAR 2030
INT. LIVING ROOM
Future Ted: Kids, this is a Thanksgiving story.
(exterior shots of New York City)
Future Ted VO: Thanksgiving in New York is a wonderful time. It's a time for giving of yourself, for thinking of your
fellow man, a time when the unforgiving city becomes a little kinder.
INT. APARTMENT
(Robin and Ted sit on couch, Lily enters from bathroom)
Lily: Well, I just ralphed.
Robin: How much did you guys drink last night?
Ted: Not how much? What.
(flashback to Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall at MacLaren's sitting at booth)
Barney: The Thankstini. A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka and a
bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner.
(Barney puts bouillon cube in each of their drinks, Marshall drinks his Thankstini)
Marshall: It's like Thanksgiving in my mouth.
(back to present scene)
Ted: You want a good holiday drink, try his Kwanzaapolitan.
(horn honks, Marshall runs out from his bedroom and looks out the window)
Marshall: The shuttle's here!
(Marshall runs back into his bedroom)

Lily: He hasn't been back home to Minnesota since Christmas. He's a little excited.
(Marshall runs into living room area)
Marshall: Baby, we're holding up the shuttle, do you have everything you need? Toothbrush, pajamas, underpants.
Underpants.
(Marshall runs back into his bedroom, Lily gets up to get ready to go)
Ted: So, Lil, Marshall's family. Whole weekend with the future in-laws, you excited?
Lily: Yeah, no, it'll be fun.
Robin: Lily, you just said, "yeah, no."
Lily: Did I? No, I, I love Marshall's family.
Robin, Ted: Oh.
Lily: But, yeah, no, it'll be great.
Ted: You just did it again.
Lily: Yeah, no, shut up.
Robin: Wait, so you're not going home for Thanksgiving.
Ted: No, I have to work on Friday. You?
Robin: I'm Canadian, remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.
Ted: Oh, right, I forgot you guys are weird. You pronounce the word out, "oat"
Robin: You guys are the world's leader in handgun violence, your healthcare system is bankrupt and your country is
deeply divided on almost every important issue.
Ted: Your cops are called Mounties.
Robin: So, probably hanging out with Barney then?
Ted: No, Barney's got his own Thanksgiving tradition.
(flashback to Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall sitting at booth at MacLaren's)
Barney: Thanksgiving in a strip club, who's in? The Lusty Leopard has a surprisingly good Thanksgiving buffet. Plus,
they do this thing. Heather dresses up as a pilgrim and Misty dresses up as an Indian, and they share a meal.
Lily: Oh, Barney.
Barney: I'm sorry, Native American.
Ted: I think I'm gonna go to a homeless shelter, serve food.
Robin: That's awesome.
Ted: Yeah, I thought I'd just spend the day giving back, you know, doing some good.
Barney: Canceling out Barney.
Ted: Exactly.
(Marshall runs into the living room)
Marshall: Where are all my underpants?
Lily: Did you check your suitcase?
(Marshall checks his suitcase, gives a thumbs-up)
Marshall: Let's go.
Future Ted VO: And go they went, all the way to St. Cloud, Minnesota, Marshall's hometown. And as Lily stepped into
her fiance's boyhood home, she received a big welcome.
INT. ERICKSEN HOME
(Marshall opens door and Marshall and Lily walk in to the kitchen)
Marshall: Hello, we're home!
(tall Ericksens come in to the kitchen to greet Marshall and Lily)
Future Ted VO: A very big welcome. You see, at 6'4", Marshall was the runt of the Ericksen clan.
Lily: Wow, I forgot how tall you guys are.
(Mr. Ericksen walks in and stands in doorway)
Mr. Ericksen: Where's my almost daughter-in-law?
Lily: Here I am. (Lily raises her hand)

(Mr. Ericksen hugs Lily)
Mr. Ericksen: You got yourself a great little bride here, son.
(Mr. Ericksen pushes Lily aside and goes over to Marshall)
Mr. Ericksen: All right now, no farting around. Put your skates and your pads on, boys. Game on in five minutes.
Lily: You're gonna go play hockey?
(Mr. Ericksen tosses a basketball to Marcus)
Lily: With a basketball?
Mr. Ericksen: Well, it's a combination of the two. We call it baskiceball.
(Marcus passes the basketball to Marshall and Marshall spins it on his finger)
Marshall: We invented it. It's the most dangerous and awesome sport in the world.
Lily: Baskiceball? Not iceketball?
Mr. Ericksen: Iceketball? Just sounds weird.
Ericksens: Yeah.
(Marshall passes ball back to Marcus)
Marcus: It's baskiceball, OK? And I'm the best.
(Marcus tossess ball to Lily)
Marshall: You wish.
Lily: Oh, well maybe that's just 'cause you haven't seen me play.
(Lily throws ball to Marcus who throws it to Marshall)
Marshall: I don't know honey, it's not really a sport for a girl.
Lily: Well, that's funny because your brother throws like a girl.
(Lily takes ball from Marshall and throws it to Marcus, Marcus throws it back at Lily and hits her in the head and she
falls back)
Mrs. Ericksen: (quietly) Marcus!

INT. HOMELESS SHELTER KITCHEN
(Robin and Ted enter, lots of volunteers bustling around)
Robin: This is gonna be great.
Ted: I know. I'm so psyched we did this. Look at all these people, giving up their Thanksgiving to help their fellow
man. These have got to be the best people in New York.
(Barney enters kitchen from dining area singing)
Barney: Excuse me, guys. Coming through.
Ted: Barney?
Barney: Well, hi guys.
Ted: What are you doing here?
Barney: Oh, just the Lord's work.
Ted: But you're Satan.
Barney: Guys, OK, look, I don't advertise it, but I volunteer here. I think it's important to help the less fortunate. I'm
the Angelina Jolie of incredibly hot guys.
Robin: This is a joke, right? You don't actually volunteer here.
Kendall: Barney, we need you out front. There is a logjam on the stuffing line. Can you show them how it's done?
Barney: I'm on it.
Ted: Wait, so, this is real. Barney does this?
Kendall: Every Sunday, all year long. He's our best volunteer
Barney: That's because I was trained by the best, Kendall.
Ted: Anyway, uh, we're psyched to be here, Kendall. What do you need us to do?
Kendall: Go home, we're full.
Robin: What? Ted: We're volunteers, we're unpaid help. Can you really ever have enough unpaid help?
Kendall: On the biggest volunteer day of the year, yeah, you can.
Robin: Come on, we just wanna help out.

Barney: Kendall, they're cool.
Kendall: Fine, but I'm not promising anything. Wait here, we'll let you know if we need you.
Barney: OK, well, I better get out there. There's a lot of food to give out. And a lot of smiles.
(Barney goes back out to dining area, Ted and Robin look at Barney with mouths agape)
INT. ERICKSEN'S KITCHEN
(Ericksen women preparing Thanksgiving dinner)
Mrs. Ericksen: Oh, I almost forgot. I know it's early but you are a future Mrs. Ericksen.
(Mrs. Ericksen puts a "Mrs. Ericksen" apron on Lily)
Lily: Thank you. It'll go great with my...I just love it.
Mrs. Ericksen: OK, Lily, we're putting you on salad duty.
Lily: Oh, I make this great frisee and endive salad with a coriander lime vinaigrette.
Pregnant Mrs. Ericksen: But this is an American holiday.
Mrs. Ericksen: Now that you're going to be a Mrs. Ericksen, I'm going to let you in on a secret recipe. The Ericksen
family seven-layer salad.
Lily: Seven-layer salad?
(Mrs. Ericksen hands Lily paper with recipe on it)
Lily: Six cups of mayonnaise? That can't be right.
Mrs. Ericksen: Oh no, dear, sixteen cups.
(Mrs. Ericksen places a large glass cylinder next to Lily)
Mrs. Ericksen: Mayo's in that cabinet.
(Lily goes over to cabinet to get mayo, Marshall comes in through front door limping)
Marshall: Oh my God, there is some serious baskiceball going on out there. Dad totally nailed Marcus in the face with
a snowball, which is a foul because you only get one snowball per possession, so I nailed him in the shin with my
skate and I totally dunked it.
(Mr. Ericksen and Marvin enter)

Mr. Ericksen: Yeah, you were sitting pretty until I whacked you with that mallet.
Mr. Ericksen: (to Mrs. Ericksen) Hey Gorgeous!
Marshall: You having fun? Lily: Yeah, but I kinda miss you. Could you stay in here for a little bit?
Marshall: Yeah, yeah yeah, no problem, it's halftime.
Mr. Ericksen: Oh, halftime's over. Get yours butts out here, come on.
Marvin: And I hope you like the taste of stick, dorko.
Lily: Go.
Marshall: Thanks baby.
(Marshall hugs Lily)
Marshall: Oh, isn't this great? Can't you see why everybody from my high school stays in this town?
(Marshall heads out the door)
Marshall: Hey Marvin, you're the dorko, dorko!
(Lily scoops out a lot of mayo)
(Barney talking to Ted and Robin)
Barney: Man, it's amazing out there. I've done so much good today, I've got like a soul boner.
And the way the faces of the less fortunate light up when you give them a hot, nutritious meal, is there a better
feeling on earth?
Robin: Yesterday you said the best feeling on earth was getting your toes sucked. Then you requested a high-five with
your foot.
Ted: Hey, Barn? What do you say you let us sub in for you, scoop stuffing for a little bit?
Barney: (laughs) You wanna scoop stuffing your first day out? Hello, NFL, can I be quarterback this Sunday? Dude.
(Barney walks away)
INT. ERICKSEN KITCHEN
(Ericksen women preparing Thanksgiving dinner)

Lily: OK, I finished the gummy bear layer of the salad. What's next?
(Lily looks at recipe)
Lily: Potato chips.
Mrs. Ericksen: So, Lily, when are you gonna start thinking about having a baby?
(Lily drops some potato chips)
Lily: Baby? Uh, you know, I hadn't really thought about it at all.
Future Ted VO: Actually Aunt Lily was lying. It'd been all she'd been thinking about. You see, remember when she
said...
(flashback to Lily coming in to living room from bathroom)
Lily: Well, I just ralphed.
Future Ted VO: At that point she was five days late. This was day six.
Lily: Yeah, I mean, I'm way too young to have a baby, right?
Mrs. Ericksen: Oh, are you kidding? I was younger than you when I had Marcus. Beautiful 15 pound boy. Not much
bigger than this turkey right here.
(Mrs. Ericksen puts turkey on counter)
Lily: (staring at turkey) Oh my.
(back from commercial break)
Future Ted VO: Now if Lily was already uneasy about joining the Ericksen family, imagine how she felt about possibly
having a 15-pound Ericksen growing inside of her.
Lily: That's a big baby, Judy.
Mrs. Ericksen: The doctor thought he was twins.
Lily: (laughs nervously) Twins. Twins!
(Ted and Robin talking)

Ted: This is crazy. When did it get so hard to do charity work?
Robin: I do charity work all the time. Remember when I said I'd find you a girlfriend.
Ted: Ha ha. Delightful. How is that little project coming along anyway?
Robin: I'm working on it. I'm gonna introduce you to that girl you've been staring at.
Ted: What? That's crazy, I haven't been staring at any girl...
(Robin walks over to girl)
Robin: Have you met Ted?
(Ted goes over to shake her hand)
Ted: Hi, I'm the aforementioned Ted, and this is...
(Ted looks around for Robin to introduce her and notices she's walked away)
Ted:... gone.
Amanda: I'm Amanda.
Ted: Hi.
Amanda: So, what do you do here, Ted?
Ted: Well, I've been...nothing. I do nothing.
Amanda: If you want to do something, you and your girlfriend can help sort through these donations.
(Robin walks back over)
Robin: Oh, um, I'm not his girlfriend. I used to be but, um, I just wasn't enough woman for Ted, emotionally or
sexually. Oh my God.
Ted: So, Amanda, what do you need us to do?
Amanda: OK, this is important. Go through all these boxes of food donations, take out the really good stuff and put it
into this box.
Ted: Got it. Consider it sorted.
(Amanda walks away)
Robin: Hey, we're in business.

Ted: Hey, Barney's not gonna get all the glory today.
(Ted moves some boxes which uncovers framed photo of Barney as "volunteer of the year", Ted puts boxes back to
cover photo)
Ted: Let's start with this one.
Robin: Yeah.
INT. ERICKSEN DINING AREA
(Ericksen join hands in prayer)
Mr. Ericksen: Amen.
Ericksens: Amen.
(Pregnant Mrs. Ericksen comes in carrying baby boy)
Pregnant Mrs. Ericksen: Look who came to say good-night. It's little Martin. Three-months old.
Lily: Three months! Three months?
Marshall: He's been drinking his milk.
(Ericksens lift up their large glasses of milk)
Ericksens: Here here.
Lily: And she's already pregnant again.
Mr. Ericksen: Well, that's 'cause those Ericksen boy's boys can swim. They've got two tails and a drill bit for a head.
Marshall: Dad, you're embarrassing me.
Mr. Ericksen: Ah, son, she's cool. She's gonna be an Ericksen.
Lily: Yeah, well, well, not literally because, you know, I'm keeping my name.
Mrs. Ericksen: But the apron.
Marshall: Well, we haven't actually decided anything yet so...
Lily: No, I've decided and I'm keeping my own name.
Mr. Ericksen: But Ericksen is a great last name. People know the Ericksen's.
Lily: Oh, sure, in St. Cloud but our kids aren't gonna be growing up in St. Cloud. Right, baby?
Marshall: Why not St. Cloud? I mean, I loved growing up St. Cloud. St. Cloud is a great place to have a childhood.
Lily: Oh, so is New York.
(Ericksens laugh)
Lily: What? It is. And we grew up just fine. And we grew to the proper size and then we stopped.
(Lily looks at Marcus to her left and Marcus stops smiling)
(Ted, Robin and Amanda sort through food donations)
Ted: Hey, Amanda, what's this box for?
Amanda: Oh, that's for me. You can put it in my car.
Ted: In your car, um, then you'll take it...
Amanda: Home? We get so much extra food, no one can eat it all. Oh, Truffle oil. Score.
Ted: People donated this food thinking it was going to feed the hungry.
Amanda: I know, and I'm starving.
INT. ERICKSEN DINING ROOM
(Ericksens around table having Thanksgiving dinner)
Lily: But, Marshall, you love New York.
Marshall: Yes, I do. But you always said that when we had kids, you wanted to move out of Manhattan.
Lily: Yeah, to Brooklyn.
Marshall: Why are we even talking about this? This is way down the road.
Future Ted VO: But Lily knew way down the road might not be so far down the road.
Lily: I need to go to the restroom.
(Lily gets up from table and goes out the door)
Marshall: Lily, the restroom's the other way.

Future Ted VO: So she headed down the road.
Marshall: Lily.
(sound of car starting outside)
Marshall: Lily!
(car drives down road)
(Barney, Ted and Robin talking by where food donations are)
Barney: So, wait, not only have you not done any good for anyone today, you're actually helping someone steal from
the homeless. You know, Ted, it's called Thanksgiving, not Thankstaking. Damn.
Kendall: Barney, you need me to sign your time sheet, right?
Barney: Yeah, Right. Thanks.
(Barney gets paper out of his pocket and gives it to Kendall, Ted and Robin look at each other)
Ted: Barney.
Barney: Yeah, what's up?
Ted: You have a time sheet. No one else has a time sheet.
Barney: Yeah, so.
(Kendall gives paper back to Barney)
Ted: All right, let me see that.
(Ted grabs paper away from Barney)
Barney: That's my private personal business!
Ted: Court-mandated community service.
Oh my God, you're on probation? What did you do?
Barney: That's my private personal business.
(flashback to urinating against a wall in an alley, police siren and lights approach, Barney turns around, zips up his
pants and runs away)
Barney: I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church.
Ted: You peed on a church?
Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see because I was drunk.
Ted: Oh, you are evil.
Robin: Now, all's right with the world again.
Barney: OK, fine, so a judge is making me do this but I'm still doing it, and kicking ass at it, BTW.
(Barney points to his "volunteer of the year" picture and poses like his picture)
Barney: When's the last time either of you did any good? Huh?
(Ted grabs a bag of Portobello mushrooms and walks over to Kendall)
Ted: Kendall, ah, Kendall, Amanda is stealing Portobello mushrooms from homeless people.
Kendall: Amanda! I called dibs on the Portobello mushrooms.
(Amanda smiles and shrugs)
Ted: Those are for the hungry.
Kendall: I know, and I'm starving.
(Kendall and Amanda laugh; Ted grabs mushrooms from Kendall and runs out to dining area and Kendall chases after
him)
Amanda: Those are good mushrooms!
INT. HOMELESS SHELTER DINING AREA
(Ted runs in with mushrooms and starts throwing them towards people)
Ted: Mushrooms. Mushrooms. Portobello mushrooms for everybody! Take them and run! They're very expensive!
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE
(Lily pays for something, clerk takes money and makes change and gives it to Lily)
Clerk: Happy Thanksgiving.

Lily: Happy Thanksgiving. As in check out the chick buying the knock-up test everybody, wonder what must be going
through her head. Yeah, well, since you asked, a family of mayonnaise-guzzling giants is trying to suck me into their
suburban nightmare. And there's a solid chance that I have an Ericksen the size of a 15-pound turkey growing inside
of me.
Clerk: You know the Ericksen's? Marshall's fiancé.
Lily: Fantastic.
Clerk: So nice to meet you. You are taller than described.
Lily: I'm sorry I just yelled at you. You mind if I use your bathroom?
Clerk: Don't have one.
Lily: So what do you do when you have to...?
Clerk: I hold it.
(Clerk takes sip from his drink, Lily walks out of store)
EXT. STREET
(Ted and Robin sit on curb)
Ted: You can't fire a volunteer.
Robin: Apparently you can. And his two non-mushroom-throwing friends.
(Barney walks over to Robin and Ted)
Barney: I can't believe that I told Kendall you guys were cool. I had 40 hours left on my community service and now
I've got to spend it spearing trash on a freaking median strip.
(Barney picks up his "volunteer of the year" poster and holds it in front of him)
Barney: Volunteer of the year!
Ted: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. OK, look, if there's anything I can do to make it up to you, just tell me, I'll do it.
Barney: Ted, I'm glad you asked.
INT. LUSTY LEOPARD
(Dancer twirling around pole; Barney and Robin eating Thanksgiving dinner, Ted sitting with head in hands)
Robin: Surprisingly good.

Barney: Right? I told you so.
Ted: Public urination. Who gets arrested for public urination?
INT. ERICKSEN DINING ROOM (Marshall has his cell phone to his ear and puts it down to his chest)
Marshall: Lily's been arrested.
Judy: Oh dear, what for? Marshall: Public urination.
INT. JAIL CELL
(Lily sitting on cot, officer opens cell door to let Marshall in)
Marshall: Thanks, Pete.
Pete: No problemo Marsh.
Marshall: You all right? Lily: No. I embarrassed myself in front of your family and now I'm celebrating Thanksgiving in
probably the most depressing place ever.
INT. LUSTY LEOPARD
(Dancer takes money from Barney's mouth
INT. JAIL CELL
(Marshall and Lily talking)
Marshall: Well, I'm glad that you're safe. Hey, weird question, why did you drive three miles down Route 23 and take
a pee behind a convenience store?
Lily: OK, I'll tell you but before I do, promise me that we are not gonna move to St. Cloud, Minnesota, promise.
Marshall: Look, I'm not suggesting that we move here tomorrow. I'm just...
Lily: Just promise.
Marshall: Why do you want me to promise you that?
(Lily stands up)
Lily: Because I don't fit in here. I'm not eight feet tall and I don't think you can call it a salad if it has Funyuns in it.
Marshall: I'm Funyuns and mayonnaise and gummy bears and baskiceball and I love St. Cloud. And yes, there is a part
of me that would like to move here someday, and why are we having this discussion in a jail cell on Thanksgiving?
(Pete walks into cell with a bag of Lily's things)
Pete: OK, personal effects, one wallet, one cell phone, one pregnancy test.
(Lily takes bag with pregnancy test from Pete, Pete walks out of cell)
Lily: Pete arrested me before I could look at it.
(Lily sits down, Marshall sits down next to Lily)
Marshall: Whoa.
Lily: Yeah.
Marshall: Lily, we can't let our kids play baskiceball. Baskiceball is really dangerous.
Lily: Yeah, what are the rules to that game, anyway? Marshall: There are no rules, we just wail on each other.
(Lily leans on Marshall and grabs his arm, Marshall puts his hand over Lily's)
Marshall: Look, I don't wanna be exactly like my family, and don't take this the wrong way, but I don't wanna be
exactly like your family either.
(Lily shakes her head) Marshall: We'll be our own family, and we'll find our own way to freak out the people our kids
bring home.
(Lily smiles and wipes a tear away)
Lily: Great, now I'm crying. Look, we may have some really big decisions to make in about 10 seconds but right now, I
don't care where our kids grow up as long as they have you for a father.
(Lily leans into Marshall's open arm, Marshall kisses Lily on the top of her head)
Lily: Gosh, I hope you're the father. Just a little joke to lighten up the mood.
Marshall: What does it say? Lily: I'm afraid to look.
Pete: (yelling from outside cell) It's negative.
Lily: Thank God.
(Lily and Marshall hug)
Lily: (to Pete) And hey!
INT. LUSTY LEOPARD

(Robin and Ted talking)
Robin: Ted. Are you listening? You're a good guy.
Ted: You wanna know why I have to work tomorrow? My firm's designing an executive lounge for a tobacco company.
In the fight against cancer, I'm on the side of cancer.
(Barney walks over to Ted and Robin, homeless guy follows him)
Barney: OK, Ted, I found a way for you to help someone, to do some good. This is Walter, and Walter is homeless.
And Walter would like a lap dance.
Ted: Are you joking?
Barney: I never joke about the sublime art of burlesque entertainment.
Ted: No, Barney, that's insane. Sir, would you like me to buy you a ticket to the buffet.
Walter: No, I'm stuffed. Just a lap dance would be fine.
Barney: Ted, Walter's been to three shelter dinners. You know where he hasn't been? To heaven with Samantha.
Look, it's the one chance you've had all day to help someone in need. Now buy this man a lap dance.
Robin: You said you wanted to see the joy in someone's eyes.
Ted: You know, I don't think I'm gonna watch.
Ted: Here you go, Walter. Happy Thanksgiving.
(Ted gives money to dancer)
Walter: Thank you so much. No really, thank you.
Ted: Happy Thanksgiving, guys.
Robin: Thanksgiving in November. Weird.
(scenes of Ericksen Thanksgiving dinner and Ted, Robin and Barney's Thanksgiving at the Lusty Leopard)
Future Ted VO: So that was Thanksgiving 2005. To be honest, it didn't go great. But like has plenty of good parts. It's
the rough parts that make you thankful that you have people to share it with.
INT. LUSTY LEOPARD
(Ted at buffet line, dancer approaches him)
Dancer: Hey, I saw what you did for that guy? It was really sweet. Do you wanna dance?
Ted: Uh, no thanks. You want some yams?
Dancer: No thanks. I'm Amber.
(Dancer extends her hand out, Ted shakes it)
Ted: I'm Ted.
Dancer: Actually, I'm Tracy.
Ted: Still Ted.
Future Ted VO: And that, kids, is the true story of how I met your mother.
INT. LIVING ROOM
(Year 2030, Daughter and Son sit on couch, sit up suddenly)
Daughter, Son: What?!
Future Ted: I'm kidding.
(Kids relax on couch again)
END
10 - The Pineapple Incident
EXT. NEW YORK CITY
Future Ted VO: Now I remember a lot of stories from back in the days before I met your mother, but there's one story
I don't remember. Uncle Marshall still refers to it as the pineapple incident.
The night started like any other. We were downstairs at the bar.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Lily, Marshall, Ted, Robin and Barney sit at booth, Carl comes over with drinks)
Carl: On the house.
Everyone: Whoa.
Carl: It's my own concoction. I call it the Red Dragon.
Everyone: Wow. Thanks, Carl.
(Carl walks away)
Ted: We're not really doing shots, are we?
Lily: I hope not.
Barney: No, no.
Lily: These look kinda like blood.
Marshall: OK, I know that you've all dismissed this theory before, but is there any chance that Carl is a vampire?
Barney: That's ridiculous.
Marshall: I'm serious. Think about it. He always wears black, we never see him in the daylight, only after dark.
Robin: Oh my God, that does describe a vampire, or you know, a bartender.
(Everyone but Marshall laughs)
Robin: Well, I should go get dressed.

Ted: Where are you going, buddy? Hot date?
Lily: I'll say, she's going out with a billionaire.
Robin: Lily, I told you not to call him that.
Ted: Wait, you're really going out with a billionaire?
Robin: He's not a billionaire. He's a hundred millionaire. Why do people always round up?
Ted: So, uh, where's Thurston Howell taking you?
Robin: A charity dinner.
Lily: Yeah, $2000 a plate.
Robin: $1500, Stop rounding up. And it's for third world hunger.
Barney: You gonna put out?
(Everyone looks at Barney incredulously)
Barney: What? There's only one reason he's taking her to this dinner and it's not so little Mutu can get his malaria
pills.
Lily: I think my soul just threw up a little bit.
Robin: Well, I'm gonna be late. You guys have fun. Bye.
(Robin gets up and leaves)
Ted: See ya.
Lily: Bye.
Marshall: You OK?
Ted: Sure, why?
Marshall: I don't know. Girl of your dreams dating a billionaire.
Ted: OK, first of all, hundred millionaire. And second, she's not the girl of my dreams. We're just friend. Look, it would
not be smart if we got together. I mean, I'm looking to settle down. She's looking for...
(Barney starts snoring, Ted stops talking)

Barney: What? You done? Great. Check out table number four. See that little hottie on the end. She's short but has an
ample bosom. I love it. She's like half-boob. Let's go.
(Barney stands up)
Ted: Yeah, and say what? What's our big opening line?
Barney: Daddy's home.
Ted: Daddy's home?
Barney: Yeah.
Ted: You want us to go over there right now and say to those girls, 'daddy's home.' Really think about that, Barney.
Barney: Hm. Yeah, I think it's pretty solid.
(Barney walks away from their booth over to table four)
Marshall: OK, think about this, is there even a single item on the menu that has garlic in it?
Lily: Garlic fries.
Marshall: OK, well, I'll get back to you.
(Barney walks back to their booth)
Ted: Oh, daddy's back. See, if you'd taken a moment to think about that...
Barney: (holding up small yellow piece of paper) Then Daddy wouldn't have gotten this seven-digit Father's Day card
from Amy, huh?
Ted: That worked. I hate the world.
Barney: Ted, your problem is all you do is think, think, think. I'm teaching you how to do, do, do.
Marshall: Doo-doo.
Barney: Totally.
Ted: So, I think a lot. I happen to have a very powerful brain. It can't be helped.
Barney: Oh yes it can.
(Barney puts a shot in front of Ted)
Marshall: Interesting
Barney: Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It's like the universe was saying, hey, Barney, there's this dude, he's
pretty cool but it's your job to make him awesome. Your brain screws you up, Ted. It gets in the way. It happened with
Robin, it happened with half-boob. And it's gonna keep on happening until you power down that bucket of neuroses
inebriation-style.
Ted: So, what? You want me to do a shot.
Barney: Oh no. I want you to do five shots.
Marshall: Oooh, more interesting.
Ted: Barney, I think you've officially...
Barney: No, don't think. Do.
Marshall: Ted, he's right. You overthink. Maybe you should overdrink.
Marshall, Barney: Drink, drink, drink, drink...
Ted: Ah, Lily, will you tell these guys how stupid they're being?
Lily: Guys, you are being immature and moronic and drink, drink, drink
Marshall, Lily, Barney: Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink...
(Ted takes a shot)
Marshall, Lily, Barney: Yes! Drink, drink, drink...
Ted: Let me tell you something about this brain, OK?
(Ted takes second shot)
Marshall, Lily, Barney: Drink! Drink, drink...
Ted: Even alcohol cannot stop this brain.
(Ted takes third shot)
Barney: I love it, I love it, I love it.
Marshall, Lily: Drink, drink, drink...
Ted: This brain, dear mortals, is no ordinary brain.
(Ted takes fourth shot)

Marshall, Lily, Barney: Drink, drink, drink, drink...
Ted: This is a superbrain.
(Ted takes fifth shot)
Ted: This brain is unstoppable. This brain...
(screen blacks out)
Future Ted VO: And that's all I remember, except for a few hazy memories.
(black screen with white swirls spinning around and fire on the side, pineapple spins around, the words, "I am Ted,
please call" spin around)
Future Ted VO: But really, the next thing I remember is waking up the following morning.
INT. TED'S BEDROOM
(Ted lying in bed rolls over to his right side to see pineapple on his bedside table, gets up slightly looking surprised,
rubs side of head and gets up and notices girl sleeping next to him on other side)
Future Ted VO: So, there were some unanswered questions.
(Ted sits up in bed and puts on some sweatpants)
Future Ted VO: How much did I drink? How did I sprain my ankle?
(Ted gets up and grabs left ankle in pain)
Future Ted VO: And who was this girl in my bed?
INT. APARTMENT
(Lily and Marshall sitting in living room area, Ted walks in from his room) Lily: There's our rock star
Ted: OK, what the hell happened last night?
Marshall: You really don't remember, Superbrain?
Future Ted VO: So, Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily filled me in.
(flashback to previous evening at bar, Marshall, Lily, Barney and Ted sit at booth, Carl walks over)
Carl: And how did you guys like the shots?
Ted: I drank all five, bitch.

Marshall: (laughing) I love drunk Ted.
Ted: Marshall thinks you're a vampire.
(Marshall laughs and then gives Ted a stern look)
Carl: If he pukes, one of you guys cleans it up.
(Carl walks away)
Lily: No dibs. (Lily puts index finger on her nose)
Marshall: Oh. (Marshall puts index finger on his nose)
(Barney moves top put his index finger on his nose)
Barney: No....Dammit.
Ted: How quickly you all forget. I haven't puked since high school. I am vomit-free since ninety-three. Vomit free since
ninety-three. That's funny. I'm funny.
(Ted gets his cell phone out)
Lily: Who are you calling?
Ted: Robin.
Marshall: Oh, bad idea.
Barney: No, no, that's a great idea. That's the whole point of getting drunk. You do things you would never do in a
million years if you were sober.
Lily: Says every girl you've ever slept with.
(Lily puts her hand up for a high-five from Barney)
Marshall: (pointing to Lily) Say what?!
(Barney shakes his head, Lily puts her hand down)
Ted: Hello Robin, it's Ted.
(Robin sitting in back of limo dressed up, talking on phone with Ted)
Robin: Oh hi Ted.
(Ted on phone)
Ted: Hello Robin, it's Ted.
(Robin on phone)
Robin: Hi Ted. Sounds like you're having fun.
Ted on phone)
Ted: Robin, have I ever told you that I'm vomit-free since ninety-three?
(Robin on phone)
Robin: Listen, Ted, I can't really talk right... '93? Dude, that's impressive.
(Ted on phone)
Ted: I don't say this enough, but you're a great woman, and a great reporter. You should be on 60 Minutes. You
should be one of the minutes.
(Robin on phone)
Robin: That's sweet and odd. But I'm kinda on a date right now.
(Ted on phone)
Ted: Yeah, and I disagree with Barney. Just 'cause this guy is spending a lot of money doesn't mean you have to put
out. Take it slow, Robin, take it slow. Slow.
(Robin on phone)
Robin: Bye Ted.
(Ted on phone)
Ted: Slow.
(Lily takes away Ted's phone)
Marshall: Wow, right, that's why we don't do shots.
Lily: Friends don't let friends drink and dial.
Ted: I need that phone back.
Lily: You'll get this back at the end of class.
Barney: Ding, class dismissed. Here you go, kid, you call whoever you want.
(Barney takes phone from Lily and returns it to Ted)
Ted: Thank you kind sir. At least someone appreciates the fact that I'm doing and not thinking. And now I don't think I
won't not go to the bathroom.
(Ted walks away)
Lily: Was that necessary? He is not making smart decisions. Barney: Exactly. It's like, what's he gonna do next. I don't
know, but I want to find out.
(Cheap Trick's "Voices" starts playing on the jukebox)
Marshall: Cheap Trick? Oh Ted.
(Robin in car, her phone rings, she answers)
Robin: Hello again, Ted.
(Ted on phone singing along with jukebox)
Ted: Hey, it's me again.
(Robin on phone smiles)
Ted: (singing along with jukebox) Plain to see again.
(Ted jumps up on table)
Ted: (singing along with jukebox) Please can I see you every day?
Ted: (yelling to everyone in bar) I love everyone in this bar.
Marshall: And we love you, drunk Ted.
Ted: (singing along with jukebox) I'm a fool again.
(Robin in car on phone with mouth wide open)
Ted: (singing along with jukebox) I fell in love...
(Ted falls off table)
(Robin on phone)
Robin: Ted?
(back to present scene in apartment)

Ted: Well, that explains the ankle.
Lily: And then we brought you home and put you to bed.
Ted: Was there anyone else in there with me?
(Lily and Marshall get up and run over to Ted's bedroom door, Ted limps behind them, Lily opens door and she and
Marshall peek in room to see girl lying on bed, Lily closes the door)
Lily: There's a girl in there.
Ted: I know.
Marshall: And a pineapple.
Ted: I know.
Lily: Who is she?
Ted: I don't know.
(Ted sees his jacket burnt)
Ted: What the hell happened to my jacket? Marshall: Whoa.
Lily: That girl in there is alive, right? Ted: I should call Barney, maybe he knows what happened.
(Marshall gets his phone out of his pocket and dials and gives to Ted, sound of phone ringing from bathroom, Lily, Ted
and Marshall walk into the bathroom, Lily pulls curtain aside to find Barney lying in the tub)
Barney: Hello.
Ted: Why are you sleeping in our tub?
Barney: The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling.
Lily: Wait, were you here when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night?
Barney: Don't worry, I slept through it. (laughs) I totally didn't sleep through it. For a little girl, you've got a big tank.
Marshall: How did you get in here anyway? We put Ted to bed around one.
Barney: Oh, you put Ted to bed all right.
(flashback to Marshall and Lily putting Ted to bed)
Ted: You guys take care of me. You guys are the best. I love you guys so much.
Lily: Good night, Ted.
Marshall: Love you too, buddy.
(Lily turns out light, Marshall and Lily leave Ted's bedroom and close door, Ted asleep on his bed)
(Ted enters MacLaren's)
Ted: I'm back baby doll!
Barney: Hey, hey hey hey, he rallies. And the night begins now.
(Barney and Ted high-five)
Barney: All right, game face on. Carl, two more. All right, all right, what do we think of this one?
Ted: I think....
Barney: Ehhh! Trick question, no thinking. You know what time it is? It's do o'clock. Let's ride.
Ted: Bring it.
(Barney walks over to table and sits down next to girl, Ted walks in another direction)
Barney: Have you met Ted?
(Barney gestures behind him and finds that Ted's not there, sees Ted standing by jukebox with his phone) Barney:
Excuse me.
(Barney walks over to Ted)
Barney: You're calling Robin.
Ted: I'm calling Robin.
Barney: Ted, as your mentor and spiritual guide, I forbid you from calling her.
Ted: Oh yeah? What you gonna do?
Barney: If you complete that call, I will set your coat on fire.
Ted: You're bluffing.
(Ted completes call to Robin)
Ted: Hello, Robin, it's Ted.

(Robin at dinner, answers phone)
Robin: Ted, for the last time, stop.
(Robin hears Ted screaming)
Robin: Ted!
(back to present scene at apartment, Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall sit around living room)
Ted: You set me on fire.
Barney: Real suede wouldn't have gone up so fast. You got robbed, this is a blend.
Ted: You set me on fire. And who's the girl in my bed?
(Barney looks at Lily and Marshall and Ted, stumbles over to Ted's room and peeks in, closes door and stumbles back
to living room) Barney: There's a girl in your bed.
Marshall: And a pineapple. Am I the only one who's curious about the pineapple?
Barney: Who is she?
Ted: I have no idea.
Barney: Nice.
Ted: You really don't know who that is?
Barney: No, after I hosed you down with a beverage gun, I brought you back here.
Ted: I better not have gotten burned.
(Ted pulls up sleeves to check his skin, notices writing on his right arm)
Ted: Did any of you write that?
Lily: (reading what's on Ted's arm) Hi, I'm Ted, if lost, please call...Who's number is that?
Ted: I don't know.
Marshall: Dude, call it. Hold on, I'm gonna make some popcorn.
(Marshall runs to kitchen)
(Marshall runs back from kitchen with bowl of popcorn)

Marshall: OK, you can call now. God, this is intense, I love it.
(Ted calls number on arm)
Guy: Hello.
Ted: Uh, hi, who is this?
Guy: You called me, who's this?
Ted: It's Ted.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Carl on phone)
Carl: It's Carl, from the bar.
INT. APARTMENT
(Ted on phone)
Future Ted VO: And then Carl filled us in.
(flashback to Barney putting Ted to bed)
Ted: Barney, you've always taken care of me. You are a gentleman and a scholar. Go into my stable and take my finest
stallion. He's yours, his name is Windjammer.
(Ted lies down)
Barney: Sleep it off, bra.
(Barney turns off light and closes down behind him)
(Ted enters MacLaren's)
Ted: I'm back, baby doll! Ted: And I am gonna throw up.
(Ted walks over to bathroom)
Ted: I threw up? My streak is over. Vomit-free since '05 doesn't sound good. Sorry, Carl, go on.
(flashback to Ted talking to Carl at bar)

Ted: Carl, did you know the word karaoke is Japanese for empty orchestra? Isn't that hauntingly beautiful? Are you a
vampire? Carl: I am cutting you off. Go home and get some sleep, Ted.
Ted: Yeah, sun's gonna come up soon. Wouldn't want to be around for that, would we?
Ted: Hey, how easy do you think it'll be to sneak into the zoo? I have to see some penguins, like right now.
Carl: Give me your arm.
(Ted puts arm on bar)
Carl: This way, if you pass out in the gutter...
(Carl writs on Ted's arm, Ted starts laughing)
Ted: That tickles.
Carl: Someone will call me and I will come get you.
Ted: Thanks Carl. We can't just be friends, we're attracted to each other and we both know it.
Carl: Excuse me?
Ted: Me and Robin. Me and Robin, I have to make one more call.
(Ted makes call on his cell phone)
Carl: Yeah, this'll go good.
Ted: Hey, it's me again. Look, who are we kidding? You and I are both attracted to each other. We're young, we're
drunk, half of us anyway. And we only get one life, so shy don't you come over to my apartment and we'll think of
something stupid to do together? Really? Great. Wait, really? Great.
Ted: Thanks Carl.
Ted: It's Robin. That's Robin in there.
Marshall: Did you guys?
(Barney puts up hand for high-five)
Barney: Oh come on. You've gotta give me this one. Those five shots got you farther with Robin than your brain ever
did. See what happens when you don't think? You do! More importantly, you do Robin. Come on.
(Ted high-fives Barney)

Lily: All right, right over here.
(Lily and Ted high-five)
Ted: Still, what does this mean? Are we dating now? I mean, I never pictured it going down this way, but maybe that's
how it had to happen. I mean, think about it...
Barney: Someone get him a shot, he's thinking again.
Marshall: Maybe it's not such a bad idea to think about this one. You and Robin went down this road before, you got
dinged up pretty bad.
Lily: You know who might have something to say about Ted's future with Robin? Robin. Go wake her up.
Ted: Wake her up and say what?
(Ted limps over to his room)
Marshall: Good luck buddy.
INT. TED'S BEDROOM
(Ted limps in, phone rings, Ted hurriedly answers it)
Ted: Hello.
(Robin in cab on phone)
Robin: Ted, it's Robin.
(Ted looks at girl lying in bed then looks at phone then back to girl, puts phone back to his ear)
Ted: Are you sure?
INT. APARTMENT
(Ted closes bedroom door behind him and walks over to living room)
Ted: Hey, Robin, how are you?
(Lily, Barney and Marshall look at each other)
(screen splits in two with living room scene on top half of screen, Robin in cab on phone on bottom half)
Robin: Ted, I think you and I should have a talk about those phone calls last night. Do you mind if I swing by?
(While Robin is talking, Lily, Barney, Marshall and Ted whisper to each other about girl in bed)
Marshall: Ask her about the pineapple.
Ted: Yeah, sure, come on over.
Robin: Thanks.
(Robin hangs up phone, full screen of apartment scene)
Ted: No, wait, don't, no.
(Ted hangs up phone)
Ted: She's coming over. Crap.
Lily: Wait, this is killing me. We have to find out who that girl is.
(Trudy walks into the living room)
Trudy: Trudy. My name is Trudy.
Future Ted VO: And then Trudy filled us in.
(flashback to previous evening at bar, Trudy sitting at booth with three girlfriends)
Trudy's friend: I'm just surprised you didn't dump him sooner.
Trudy: I know, it's two years of my life I'm never getting back. A little part of me just wants to jump the bones of the
next guy I see.
(Barney walks over)
Trudy: Or the one after that.
Barney: OK, fair enough. I've got to prove a point to a friend, so you just gave me your number and your name is Amy.
(Barney takes out yellow paper and pen from inside jacket pocket, scribbles on paper)
Barney: Ladies.
(Barney puts pen back in his pocket and walks away)
(flash forward to Ted standing on table while singing)

Ted: I love everyone in this bar.
Trudy's friend: Look at that idiot go.
Trudy: He's kinda cute.
(Ted falls down and Trudy and her friends laugh)
(flash forward to Trudy washing her hands in the ladies room, Ted walks out of stall)
Ted: What are you doing in the men's room? What am I doing in the ladies' room? Oh right, I came in here 'cause I
thought I was gonna throw up.
Trudy: Did you?
Ted: I did not.
Ted: And the streak continues. Vomit-free since '93.
(Ted and Marshall high-five)
Ted: Sorry, Trudy, go on.
(flashback to Trudy and Ted in ladies room)
Trudy: I liked your performance.
Ted: What? The karaoke? Domo arigato.
Trudy: I wish I had your guts, getting up and making a complete idiot of myself.
Ted: Do it.
Trudy: I don't know. Still, I've had a pretty serious week. I could sure stand to do something stupid.
Ted: I'm something stupid, do me.
Trudy: You're funny.
Ted: Hey, can I call you sometime? Trudy: OK.
(Ted gets his phone out) Trudy: Here, let me.
(Trudy takes it and puts her phone number in)

Ted: Why do they call it karaoke anyhow? Was it invented by a woman named Carrie Okie? These are the kinds of
things I think about. Trudy: Karaoke is Japanese for empty orchestra.
Ted: That's hauntingly beautiful.
(Ted presses send and Trudy's phone rings)
Ted: Hey, it works.
Trudy: Then I guess you're gonna have to call me.
(Trudy walks out of ladies room)
(flash forward to Ted and Carl talking at bar)
Ted: I need to make one more call.
(Ted gets phone out, cut to Trudy sitting in back of cab, her phone rings and she answers)
Trudy: Hello.
(screen divides into two with Trudy talking on phone on left side, Ted on phone on right side)
Ted: Hey, it's me again.
Trudy: Hey.
Ted: Look, who are we kidding? You and I are both attracted to each other. We're young, we're drunk, half of us
anyway. And we only get one life.
(back to present scene, Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall listen to Trudy telling story in living room)
Trudy: So I came over here. And now I'm really, really embarrassed.
Marshall: Dammit, Trudy, what about the pineapple? Sorry.
(knock on door)
Ted: Uh, Robin's here. Um, look, Trudy, I need you to hide in my bedroom.
(Ted grabs Trudy's hand and drags her to his room)
Trudy: Why, is that your girlfriend?
Ted: No, that's not my girlfriend. Look, it's complicated.
Trudy: You're married. Yeah, I can't believe I did this.

Ted: No, I'm not married. Um, I'll explain after you hide.
(Trudy goes into Ted's room, Ted goes over and opens front door)
Ted: Hi.
Robin: Hey guys.
Barney: Robin.
Lily: Hi Robin.
Barney: Top of the morning.
Ted: Um, sorry I kept calling you like that. I was very drunk.
Robin: No kidding. Those calls were really weird. Look, Ted, maybe we need to talk.
Lily: Let's go get a snack.
(Lily stands up)
Marshall: I love to snack.
(Marshall stands up)
Barney: I'm good.
(Lily pulls Barney up, Marshall, Lily and Barney walk over to kitchen)
Ted: Come on, those calls weren't that weird.
(Robin clears her throat, gets her phone out of her purse, presses button and phone replays Ted's call to Robin)
Ted: (recording form phone) Robin! Come hang out! OK, I'm gonna make this sound until you come hang out.
(Ted makes weird sound)
Robin: That goes on for three-and a half minutes.
Ted: Without a breath? That's gotta be some kind of record.
Robin: Ted, you can't do this. Please, we're to be friends and now you're making it all confusing.
Ted: No I'm not. Look, I just turned off my brain for the night. Nothing's changed, you've moved on, I've moved on.
Robin: Really, you moved on?

Ted: Yes. What, you don't believe me?
(Robin exhales)
Ted: Oh, OK.
(Ted limps over to his room)
Ted: Trudy, come on out.
(Ted points to Robin) Ted: You are gonna laugh.
Robin: Wait, you were with someone last night? Ted: Yeah, Trudy, she's cool.
(Ted knocks on his bedroom door)
Ted: Trudy, come on out.
(Robin walks over to Ted)
Ted: Seriously, it's OK. This is so Trudy. She's really shy, I think.
(Ted opens door)
Ted: Trudy?
INT. TED'S BEDROOM
(Ted and Robin enter to find room empty, Robin walks over to pineapple)
Robin: Hi Trudy, I'm Robin. It's nice to meet you. You're right, she is shy.
Ted: I'm not making this up. She must have climbed out the fire escape.
(Robin looks at Ted incredulously)
Ted: Whatever, whatever. I don't care what you think.
Robin: Then why did you hide her from me? Ted: Wow, you're good. Did anyone ever tell you you should be on 60
Minutes?
Robin: Yes, you did, last night.
Ted: Really? Well.
Robin: Get some sleep, Ted. You had a long night. And don't feel bad, I've woken up with worse.
(Robin walks out of his room, Ted sits down on bed and lies back)
Future Ted VO: I left Trudy a message but she never called me back. That's just how life works sometimes. You turn
off your brain for a night, and all you're left with is a bad hangover, a sprained ankle.
(Ted looks at pineapple)
INT. APARTMENT
(Barney, Robin, Lily, Ted and Marshall sit around table eating pineapple)
Future Ted VO: Oh, and we never found out where that pineapple came from, but it was delicious.
END
11 - The Limo
Ted from 2030: Kids, the thing about New Year's Eve is that it sucks. Sure, it looks great on TV, but in reality, it's
always just a big let down, but in 2005, I attempted to do the impossible, to give my friends a great New Year's Eve. I
had an idea of how to do it, too. And all it cost was half my Christmas bonus.
Ted: Yeah, that's right...a limo.
[3 hours before midnight]
Robin: Oh, man, Ted, this is great.
Ted: Okay, people, let's talk strategy. Last new years, we went our separate ways, and it sucked. This year we party
together or not at all. Now, I sifted through your party submission and I narrowed them down to these five.
Barney: Question?
Ted: Yes, Barney, your submissions were received and no, we will not be attending any parties in your pants.
Barney: But you enjoyed the e-vite, right? Thas an actual picture of my pants.
Lily: Yeah.
Ted: We will hit all five parties before midnight, and then narrow them down to one, the most awesome party in New
York City and that is where we will ring, nay rock, in the new year.
Lily: All right, and party number one that's where we get to meet Mary Beth?
Robin: Mary Beth?
Ted: Oh, she works in my office. She seems like she might be into me. She's always finding reasons to hug me. So
tonight...
Barney: People often ask me "Barney, how is it that you're so psyched so much of the time?"
Lily: By who? Who asks you that?
Barney: And the answer is right here... my own, personal "get psyched" mix. Now, people often think a good mix
should rise and fall, but people are wrong. It should be all rise, baby. Now prepare yourselves for an audio journey
into the white-hot center of adrenaline. Bam.
Lily: It's working.

Ted: I am definitely getting psyched.
Marshall: Oh, God. I'm reaching dangerous levels of psychage. Must do robot.
Barney: Let's do this!
Ted: Yes! Let's! Oh, driver?
Barney: Ranjit! Dude, you're driving a limo now. That's awesome.
Ranjit: I've moved up in the world.
Robin: How do you guys know each other?
Ted: Oh, we rode in his cab one time. It's a long story.
Barney: Hey, what are we waiting for? We got five parties to hit, and three hours to do it.
Robin: Oh, I wish I could come with you guys but Derek should be coming by any minute to pick me up.
Ted from 2030: Oh, yeah, Robin was spending New Year's with her boyfriend, Derek. Derek. He was like rich,
successful, handsome. I hated that guy.
Robin: Oh, I'll miss you guys. Have fun.
Lily: Bye.
Ted: See ya next year. Go get 'em.
Lily: Well, this kind of sucks.
Ted: Okay, nobody get down. We knew this going in. We're a man down. That just means we're gonna have to party
that much harder. Ranjit! Party number one.
Ranjit: Party number one!
Barney: Party number one!
[2H30 before midnight]
Marshall: I can't believe we're leaving a party that had pigs in blankets. If you think we can beat that, you got some
brass ones.
Ted: Hey, we've got four more parties to hit. If party number one turns out to be the best, we'll just limo on back to it.
Lily: We didn't really get a chance to meet. I'm Lily, and this is my fiance, Marshall.
Mary Beth: Hi. Mary Beth. So great to meet you guys.
Marshall: My word.
Lily: You're, you're friendly.
Mary Beth: American party friends of Barney's.
Lily: Oh, no.
Ted: So, Barney, who's your new friend?
Barney: Natalya.
Natalya: Oh, friendly.
Lily: So, where are you from, Natalya?
Barney: She... Who knows? The former Soviet Republic of Drunk-Off-Her-Ass-Istan?
Natalya: Super-drunk-fantastic, huh?
Barney: Isn't she awesome?
Marshall: How are your feet doing, baby?
Lily: Okay, I love these shoes, but the pain-to-hotness ratio is pretty steep. Can we swing by the apartment, so I can
change?
Ted: Come on, Lily, we have a tightly scheduled evening of awesomeness ahead of us. I need you to power through
the pain.
Lily: Okay, Ted, but these dogs are really barking.
Barney: It's true. I can hear them. What's that, little boys? What's that? You wanna go for a... rock?
Ted: Ranjit! Party number two.
Ranjit: Party number two.
[1h55 before midnight]
Ted: Party number two? Not so good.
Marshall: Let's go back to party number one.
Ted: No, no turning back. Ranjit, party number three.

Ranjit: Party number three. Yeah.
Barney: Oh, wait, wait, wait. We have to turn around. We left Natalya.
Lily: Barney, none of us really liked her.
Barney: What?!
Lily: Sorry.
Barney: Oh, very nice, Lily. You know, she is a guest in this country. So while you may chose to turn your back on her, I
choose to turn my front on her. What up?
Ted: I'm sorry about Barney.
Mary Beth: No, I'm having a great time. I'm really glad that you asked me out tonight.
Ted: Me, too. (Ted's phone starts ringing) Hey, Robin.
Robin: Ted, Derek stood me up.
Ted from 2030: Pfft. Derek. Now, we had a tight schedule to keep that night and I was already on a date with another
girl. But... it was Robin.
Ted: Ranjit, turn it around.
Robin: Oh, God, I'm so sorry about this. You guys had your schedule and I screwed it all up.
Ted: No, this is perfect. It's meant to be. We're all back together.
Lily: What happened?
Robin: Derek's stuck in Connecticut closing some deal. Who works on New Year's Eve? Okay. Now I feel worse. I was
really looking forward to this night. This sucks.
(Barney puts the music on)
Marshall: Oh, dude, not now!
Barney: What? She needs to get psyched. Fine.
(Barney stops the music)
Robin: Maybe I should just go home.

(Barney puts the music back on)
Barney: My finger slipped.
(He stops the music one more time)
Ted: Look, Robin, you're not going home. Come on, it's New Year's Eve. Look, so your date fell through. So what?
What do you need a date for? Someone to kiss at midnight? Fine. I'll kiss you at... a little bit after midnight.
Robin: Hi, I'm Robin.
Mary Beth: Mary Beth.
Robin: You're friendly. I haven't eaten dinner yet. Is there anything to eat in this thing?
Ted: That's it. I know what you're jonesing for. Ranjit, take us to Gray's Papaya!
Robin: Oh, yes. Ted, you rock.
Barney: We couldn't go back for Natalya, a human being, but we do have time for hot dogs?
Marshall: Yeah, we like hot dogs.
Barney: No. No. We are already behind schedule. Ted, come on. We have an hour and a half before midnight I don't
want to be kissing Ranjit.
Ranjit: You don't know what you're missing.
Ted: Come on, it's only a 20-minute detour.
Lily: Which is exactly how much time I need. Ranjit, stop the car.
Ranjit: Stopping the car.
Marshall: Wait. Baby, what are you doing?
Lily: I'm going home.
Ted: What? No!
Lily: I can't stay in these heels any longer, I just can't. There's a cab over there. I'll just run back to the apartment and
change shoes.
Marshall: But... hot dogs.
Lily: Well, I know, baby, I'd love to go, but it's two against one.
Marshall: Okay, I'll go with you.
Lily: No, baby. Baby, you go with them and I'll meet you at, at... party number three.
Marshall: Are you sure?
Lily: If I don't see you, happy new year.
Marshall: Don't say that. We'll find each other. We'll find each other.
Lily: I know we will. (Lily leaves the limo)
Marshall: Hell of a woman. Let's go get some hot dogs!
Ted: Ranjit, party number three.
Ranjit: Party number three.
Marshall: Oh, yeah! Look at us. Riding around in a limo. Eating hot dogs. It's like we're the president.
Ted: Hey. I'll bet you're feeling better now.
Robin: Oh, so much better.
Marshall: Guys. Is that Moby? I think that that's Moby.
Ted from 2030: Now, kids, Moby was a popular recording artist when I was young.
Ted: No way.
Robin: That's totally Moby. That's awesome.
Ted: Should I say something? I should say something, right? Moby! Hey, Moby!
Barney: Oh, my God. He's coming over. Everybody be cool. Everybody be cool.
Ted: Hey.
Moby: Hello.
Ted: What's up? Uh, you, uh, going somewhere?
Moby: Yeah, I'm just going to this party downtown.
Ted: You want a ride?

Moby: Sure.
Ted: Welcome.
Moby: Wow. You're friendly.
Barney: Big fan. Barney Stinson. So, uh... what about this party?
Moby: It's just a New Year's thing. You know, with some friends.
Robin: Wow, that sounds awesome.
Moby: You guys want to come?
Ted: Yeah, we'd love to.
Moby: All right.
Marshall: Uh, Ted. Sidebar?
Ted: Um... Moby, switch up, will you? Yeah, what's up?
Marshall: What about Lily?
Ted: Call her.
Marshall: I've been trying to call her. I can't get through. All the circuits are jammed.
Ted: That's New Year's Eve for you. Well, look, we'll just swing by Moby's party and then afterwards...
Marshall: No, I-I can't. Lily's waiting. I gotta... I gotta find her. Okay, I'll meet you at party number three.
Ted: But... Come on! Moby's party! Moby's party! Moby's par... Ranjit. Moby's party.
Ranjit: Moby's party.
Moby: This is a cool mix. You know, people think a great mix has to rise and fall. I think it should be all rise.
Barney: Yes. Moby... Yeah, it should start high, get higher. This mix is my pride and joy. I never leave home without it.
Moby: Oh, that's how I feel about Janice here.
Barney: Jan... Aah!
Moby: So then I say, "your motorcycle was like that when I got here."
Ted: You're not Moby, are you?

Moby: Who?
Robin: Moby... the recording artist, Moby.
Moby: No.
Barney: But when we said, "Hey, Moby," you said, "Yeah."
Not-Moby: I thought you said "Tony."
Ted: So your name is Tony?
Not-Moby: No. Oh, hey, we're here. All right. You guys going to come in?
Ted: Nah.
Not-Moby: You're sure? Come on. It's going to get nuts in there. There's this dude who owes me money.
Barney: No, uh, we're good. We're good. Happy New Year, Not Moby.
Not-Moby: Oh, hey, hey, um, be safe.
Barney: Why did we think that guy was Moby?
Ted: I don't know. I see a short bald hipster, my mind goes straight to Moby.
Barney: That's Marshall's phone. Hello.
Lily: Oh, Marshall, thank God I got through.
Barney: Hey, sexy.
Lily: Barney, where's Marshall?
Barney: He left his phone in the limo. He's out looking for you.
Lily: What? Where?
Barney: Party number three.
Lily: Well, I'm here at party number three and... Oh, my God! Guess who just walked in... Moby!
Barney: Moby?! She's upstairs.
Ted: Lily, you have to get out of there this instant. That's not Moby.
Lily: Uh, no, I know Moby and that's Mo... Does he have a gun?
Ted: Run! Oh, my God, Not Moby's party is party number four. What are the odds?
(Lily comes in)
Lily: Who was that guy?!
Barney: Well, we know it's not Moby and it's not Tony.
Ted: Ranjit, drive!
Ranjit: Where to?
Ted: Party number three!
Ranjit: Party number three!
Lily: No, but I was just at party number three.
Ted: No, no, no, no you were at party number four. You must have looked at the list wrong.
Barney: Well, after that rather unpsyching experience, you know what it's time for? It's time to... what? That's right,
re-psych. Re-psy... Where's the...? Oh, my God! Not Moby took my "Get Psyched" mix!
Ted: Barney, Barney, Barney, it's not worth it! Let it go. We need to get back on schedule.
Ranjit: Ah, nuts.
[28 minutes before midnight]
Ted: Ranjit, are you sure I can't help?
Ranjit: No. I am pissed. Ted, I don't want you to see me pissed.
Ted: Okay Okay, not a problem. He'll jack it up, slap on a tire and we'll be at party number three in no time.
Lily: I wish Marshall would call. I guess the circuits are jammed.
Barney: Yeah, you know why all the circuits are jammed because everyone's calling their loved ones, everyone
around the world. Everyone except Barney. Oh, sure, laugh. Laugh for Barney Stinson. Laugh for the sad clown
trapped on his whirling carousel of suits and cigars and bimbos and booze. Round and round it goes. And where's it
all heading? Nowhere.
Robin: Is this just 'cause you lost your "Get Psyched" mix?
Barney: I'm sorry. Am I not allowed to have a pensive side?
Robin: No. No, not tonight. Not in the limo. We got to stay psyched. Ted went to a lot of trouble to make this an
awesome New Year's. (singing...) *Shot through the heart And you're to blame, darling*
Ted and Robin: *You give love a bad name*
Ranjit: *A bad name*
Ted and Robin: *I play my part and you played your game*
Mary Beth: I'm going to get some air.
Ted and Robin: *Darling, you give love a bad name, bad name!*
Ted: It'll be fine. We'll be out of here in a jiff.
Mary Beth: Ted, I'm going to head out. My roommates are having a party not far from here.
Ted: No. Look, I know this night isn't turning out the way I planned, but...
Mary Beth: How long have you been in love with Robin?
Ted: I'm not in love... We're just friends. Where are you getting that from?
Mary Beth: Ted, it's okay. I'm fine. And I can tell that she's into you, too.
Ted: That's ridiculous. Wait. Really?
Mary Beth: Happy New Year, Ted.
Lily: I can't believe Mary Beth left before midnight.
Ted: Oh, she just had to make an appearance at this other party. It's no big deal.
Barney: The first time I rode in a limo I was five. I was on the way to my grandfather's funeral. I suppose, in a way, I
still am.
Lily: Okay, wow, it's getting weird in here. I'm going to call Marshall.
Ted: But he left his phone.
Lily: Marshall! Marshall!
Robin: I'm sorry about your girl.
Ted: Sorry about your guy.
Robin: Well, at least we both have someone to kiss at midnight. Did you forget about our little deal? Because I did
not.
Ted: I did not, too.
(Robin's phone starts ringing)
Robin: Derek. Hi. How's work?
Ted: I'll give you some privacy.
Lily: Marshall!
Ted: Okay, how's this for a plan? We start walking now, we get to party number three by 12:45. We celebrate the New
Year in Central Standard Time.
Lily: Marshall!
Barney: Give it a rest, Ted.
Ted: Give what a rest?
Barney: Trying to turn this night into anything more than what it is, which is New Year's Eve which is the single
biggest letdown of a night every single year.
Lily: Marshall!
Ted: Come on, come on, we can still turn this thing around. We've still got ten minutes.
Barney: Stop trying to chase down some magical, perfect New Years, Ted. It doesn't exist.
Lily: Marshall!
Marshall: Lily!
Ted: Holy crap.
Lily: Marshall!
Marshall: I knew I'd catch up with you guys eventually. So much to tell. I couldn't find Lily at party number three so I
walked... I walked to the next party on the list.
Ted: Not Moby's party?
Marshall: Yes, Moby's party. Check it out. He signed my shirt. And guess what I found. Yeah, I heard it playing at the
party, so I swiped it. Yeah, I know. Come on.
Barney: Come on! Oh! Oh!
Lily: Baby, baby, I was so worried about you. Why didn't you call me?
Marshall: I tried, baby. All the circuits were jammed. But wait, there's more. After party number four, I figured you
guys went to party number five. And so I went there, too, and it is awesome. I want to cry, it is so awesome. We have
to go there.
Ted: How? We'll never get a cab.
Ranjit: The flat's fixed.
Ted: Let's do this! Come on! In! Go, go, go!
Lily: Natalya?
Barney: Yeah, it turns out she was asleep in the front seat the whole time. Ranjit, why didn't you tell me?
Ranjit: I didn't want to awake her. She looked so peaceful.
Ted: Party number five is 20 blocks away and all the way across town. Ranjit, can you get us there in eight minutes?
Ranjit: I get you there in six.
Ranjit: I don't think I can do it.
All: No! Come on!
Lily: Move, you stupid taxi!
Marshall: Three minutes!
All: Come on!
Ted: Ranjit, put her in park. Dudes, I'm sure party number five is awesome, but it's not the best party in New York.
'Cause this is, right here.
Barney: Cheers. Well said.
All: Cheers.
Ted from 2030: And just like that, we were having the perfect New Year's Eve. The funny thing is all night long, I'd
been trying to chase something down that was right there in that limo.
Robin: Derek?! Derek.
Derek: Hey.
Ted: Hey, uh, come on in.

Derek: I cut my meeting short because I wanted to see you at midnight.
Robin: I can't believe you made it.
Derek: I made it, baby.
Natalia: I super love you, okay?
Barney: Here, you need a mint.
All: Eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! Happy New Year!
Ted from 2030: You probably want to feel bad for your old man at this point in the story. Well, don't. Not every night
has a happy ending. But all of it's important. All of it was leading somewhere. Because suddenly, it was 2006. And
2006 was a big one.
Robin: What the hell, man? I thought we had a deal.
Ted: What about your guy? It's midnight. Go kiss him.
Robin: Eh, he kept me waiting. I can keep him waiting.
Ted: Well, a deal is a deal.
Robin: Happy New Year.
Ted: Happy New Year.
[END]
12 - The Wedding
INT. APARTMENT
(Ted opening wedding invitation, Ted sits down and looks at R.S.V.P card, makes check mark)
Future Ted VO: When you're single and your friends start to get married, every wedding invitation presents a strange
moment of self-evaluation. Will you be bringing a guest or will you be attending alone? What it's really asking is
where do you see yourself in three months? Sitting next to your girlfriend or hitting on a bridesmaid? I always
checked that I was bringing a guest. I was an optimist.
('Two Months and 26 Days Later,' Ted sitting on couch talking on phone)
Ted: Who the hell am I gonna bring to this wedding?
(screen splits, Barney in cab on phone on left side of screen, Ted on right side)
Barney: Ted, have you ignored all my teachings? Ted: For the most part, yeah.
Barney: You don't bring a date to a wedding. That's like bringing a deer carcass on a hunting trip. Oh Ted, oh Ted, no,
no date.
Ted: Deer carcass, really? That's the metaphor you're going for?
Barney: Ted, it's a simile.
Ted: Well, it's too late now. If I don't bring a date, a $200 piece of chicken-slash-salmon will go uneaten. I gotta bring
someone, but who?
Future Ted VO: Of course I knew who I wanted to bring: Robin.
(TV screen showing Robin reporting in front of bridge)
Future Ted VO: The big unanswered question in my life. Problem was, she was dating this really rich guy named
Derek.
(shot of Derek and Robin sitting in back of car)
Future Ted VO: Pft, Derek.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Marshall, Lily, Ted and Barney sit at booth, Robin stands by booth)
Robin: Well, Derek and I just broke up.
Lily: No, that's terrible, are you OK?
Marshall: Yeah, do you need a drink or something?
(Robin sits down next to Lily)
Robin: Never really clicked. I felt bad though, he was pretty bummed.
Barney: Don't beat yourself up. He'll be fine. I mean, the guy's like a billionaire. He can put his platinum card on a
fishing line and reel in 10 chicks hotter than you.
Robin: Thanks, I feel a lot better. Think I'll get that drink now.
(Robin gets up and walks over to bar)
Ted: OK, guys, I gotta say something. I think my feelings for Robin may be resurfacing.
(Marshall laughs)
Lily: Oh, because they were buried in a shallow grave.
Marshall: Not again. Come on, dude, we all know how this movie ends. Ted falls in love. Love kicks Ted in the sprouts.
Roll credits.
Ted: No, you guys just have to look at the whole picture. Fact.
(flashback to Robin and Ted dancing in her apartment)
Ted: Robin was into me when we first met. Fact.
(flashback to Ted and Robin kissing on roof)
Ted: Even though she didn't want a relationship, we had an amazing kiss on the roof. Fact.
(flashback to Ted and Robin kissing at New Year's)
Ted: On New Year's Eve, we kissed again. Fact.
Ted: I need a date to this wedding. Wish me luck
(Ted gets up and walks over to Robin at bar)
Barney: What I don't get is, why is Claudia marrying Stuart? She's way hotter than him. How way? Way way.
Marshall: This wedding does sound pretty amazing though. Fancy hotel ballroom, everybody all dressed up.
Lily: Ah, here we go.
Barney: What?
Lily: We can't get anywhere with our wedding plans because I want it to be fun and Marshall wants it to be lame.
Marshall: Oh yeah, OK, that's a pretty fair assessment of our two arguments.
Lily: I thought so.
Marshall: You know what, excuse me if I don't wanna get married barefoot in the woods next to Lake No-one's-
gonna-drive-that-far. Yes, I want a ballroom and I want a band and I want shoes.
I've been dreaming about this day since I was like...
Lily: A little girl?
Barney: What up?
(Barney and Lily high-five) Marshall: OK, I'm just saying, that it's my wedding too and I should have a say in it.
Lily: Yes, but I'm the bride so I win.
Marshall: Well, I thought marriage was about two equal partners sharing a life together.
Lily: Right. But I'm the bride, so I win.
Barney: Seriously, Claudia and Stuart?! I mean, I've hooked up with the odd lass who was beneath my level of
attractiveness, but, you know, I was drunk. There's no way Claudia has been drunk for three years.
(Ted and Robin talking over by bar)
Ted: You know, I've always found that the best way to get over a failed relationship is to celebrate someone else's
successful one.
Robin: Well, makes sense.
Ted: So, with that mind, our friends Claudia and Stuart are having this crazy, black-tie wedding on Saturday. You
wanna be my 'plus one'?
Robin: Ooh, 'plus one', you make it sound so romantic. Ted: Fine. You wanna be my date?
Robin: Your date? I'd love to. Um, how fancy are we talking about here?
Ted: Oh, you're gonna wanna bring your A game.

Robin: Oh, I'll bring it. I'll bring it so hard the bride's gonna look like a big white bag of crap.
(Robin puts her drink down on the bar and heads over to booth)
Robin: Lily, I need a dress.
Lily: You're going. That's awesome. Oh my God, four days to find a dress?
Robin: I know, it's a suicide mission.
Lily: Well, if we leave now, we can still have a fighting chance. Let's do it.
(Lily and Robin rush out of bar)
Marshall: Bye babe.
Ted: Whoa, did you see how fired up she was? I don't know, there's something there. And come Saturday, a little
music, a little dancing, a lot of champagne. Who knows? Barney: Wow, Ted, you're gonna have to find another
gender for yourself 'cause I'm revoking your dude membership.
Ted: Yeah, how was that manicure yesterday?
Barney: Invigorating, thanks.
Future Ted VO: OK, I wasn't going to say it in front of the guys but back then I really thought that's how it worked.
(Ted and Robin dressed up dancing)
Future Ted VO: You put yourself and a girl you like in some romantic setting. The stars line up and shazam.
(Ted and Robin lean in towards each other as if to kiss)
Future Ted VO: I know now that life is never that simple.
EXT. STREET
(Ted sees Claudia talking on phone)
Ted: Hey, Claudia!
Claudia: (on phone) Yes, I want Tahitian vanilla. You wrote it down wrong? No no no no no, listen to me. If I go to my
wedding and the cake is not Tahitian vanilla, I will come down there and burn your little shop to the ground. Do you
wanna find out if I'm kidding? Good-bye.
(Claudia hangs)
Ted: Hey, how's it going? Claudia: My wedding's in two days, that's how it's going.
Ted: Oh, don't worry, it's gonna be great. I'm so excited.
Claudia: You should be, lots of single girls.
Ted: Oh, well, yeah, I'm bringing a date, so I'll be off the market.
Claudia: What? Ted: I'm bringing a date.
Claudia: You're not bringing a date.
Ted: Uh, yes I am.
Claudia: Uh, no you're not.
Ted: I checked 'plus one'.
Claudia: No you didn't.
Ted: Claudia, I'm pretty sure I checked...
Claudia: Ted, you did not check 'plus one', you are not bringing a date to my wedding.
Ted: But I already invited someone.
Claudia: You are not bringing a guest, Ted. The guest list has been closed for months. Months!
Ted: But I checked 'plus one'. I always check 'plus one'.
Claudia: You absolutely did not check 'plus one'. If you had checked 'plus one', I would have called you to get the
name of your guest so I could get the guest cards printed up. Did I call you to get the name of your guest? Is there a
place card with her name card printed on it?
Ted: She doesn't need a place card, she knows her name.
Claudia: What's she eating? You ordered the chicken, what did she order? Do you see how your story is full of holes?
Ted: Come on, Claudia, we go way back. Isn't there room for just one more person?
Claudia: Don't make me hurt you Ted.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Marshall, Barney and Ted sit at booth)
Ted: I don't believe this, Claudia is crazy.
Barney: But to be fair, she's also hot.

Ted: I totally checked 'plus one', I'm sure I did.
Barney: Yeah, right.
Ted: I did.
Barney: Yeah, I don't think you did. You know why? Because deep down, you didn't want to show up at this thing
with a date. See, for all your big talk about being ready for a relationship, deep down you're single. It's your default
setting. Ted, you know what's in the back of your brain?
Ted: Oh great, here comes the 'little Barney' speech.
Barney: Behind a curtain, in a dark little room, secretly controlling your every move...
Ted, Marshall: A little Barney.
Barney: A little Barney. And you know what he said? (changing tone of voice) "Ted, you will bring no dates to this
wedding. You will hit on drunk bridesmaids with actual-size Barney."
Marshall: Wow.
Ted: Please stop. I gotta call Claudia. If I just explain to her...
Marshall: Ted, no. Let it go. She's about to get married. She's got enough to worry about.
Ted: Then what am I gonna do?
Marshall: The only thing you can do. Tell Robin she can't come.
INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT BUILDING
(Ted walks towards Robin's front door, Ted knocks on door)
Robin: (from inside apartment) Just a second.
(Lily opens door and steps out into hallway with Ted, Lily closes door behind her)
Lily: Hey.
Ted: Hey, listen.
Lily: Wait, two things. First of all, I've been laying groundwork all afternoon, totally subtle, totally cool, not pushing,
not even nudging. Just the theme of today is Ted rocks. And she's picking up on it lying down.
Ted: Lily's there's a problem.
Lily: Wait, no, thing number two. The dress, we got a dress.
(Lily opens door and steps aside)
Lily: Go.
(Ted walks into Robin's apartment)
INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT
Robin: Well, did I bring it? Or did I bring it?
(Robin spins and flips her hair)
Robin: I think I brought it.
Ted: Wow.
Robin: That's what I was going for. I'm so excited about tomorrow. We're gonna have so much fun.
Ted: Yeah, about that.
(Robin looks at Ted) Ted: I'll pick you up at five.
(Robin smiles)
INT. CAB
(Ted and Lily sit in back of cab)
Lily: So, the dress?
Ted: I don't have a 'plus one' for the wedding.
Lily: What?
Ted: I ran into Claudia and she told me I didn't check 'plus one' on the reply card.
Lily: Why didn't you check 'plus...
Ted: I did check 'plus one'.
Lily: But Robin is so excited.
Ted: I know.
Lily: And the dress.
Ted: I know.
Lily: Oh. OK, OK, we'll, we'll sneak her in.
Ted: We can't sneak her in, we're not ninjas.
Lily: I wish we were ninjas.
Ted: I know.
Lily: You can always ask Stuart.
Ted: Can I do that?
Lily: Sure, you guys have been friends for a long time, and it's 40% his wedding too.
Ted: Oh, it's gonna be a tough sell.
INT. STUART'S APARTMENT
(Ted and Stuart standing and talking)
Stuart: Dude, no problem whatsoever.
Ted: Really? Stuart: Sure, the more the merrier.
Ted: Wow, wow, thanks for being so cool about this 'cause you know Claudia said...
Stuart: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, this morning at the rehearsal, Claudia called our 7-year-old flower girl a whore. So,
don't take it personally, she's just a little stressed.
(Stuart opens front door)
Ted: Yeah, she's not usually like that.
Stuart: No.
Ted: Well, thanks, Stu, it's gonna be a great wedding.
(Ted walks out front door)
INT. APARTMENT
(Lily sitting on couch reading magazine, Marshall sitting at table behind couch)
Lily: Honey, this magazine says more and more couples are opting to have nontraditional weddings out in the woods.
Marshall: Well, if a magazine says so, we should go get married in the woods like a couple of squirrels.
Lily: Squirrels don't get married, Marshall.
Marshall: Like you could possibly know that.
(Ted enters front door)
Ted: I did it. I did it. I'm taking her to the wedding.
Lily: Nice.
Marshall: What? How?
Ted: I talked to Stuart.
Marshall: Oh, you went around the bride. "Oh, this hornet's nest looks harmless. Maybe I'll poke it with a stick. Oh,
look, some gremlins, let me go feed them after midnight." Did you known about this?
Lily: It may have been my idea.
(Marshall exhales)
Lily: What? Stuart doesn't get a say.
Marshall: Ha! So you admit it, the groom should have an equal say.
Lily: Oh, yeah, sure, on the stupid stuff, like who comes.
Marshall: So I can invite whoever I want.
Lily: Sure, there's plenty of room in the woods.
(Cell phone rings, Ted takes his cell phone out of his pocket)
Ted: It's Claudia.
Marshall: So, it begins.
Ted: Come on, it can't be that bad.
(Ted looks at phone)
Ted: Here, Lily, you answer it.
(Ted hands phone to Lily)
Lily: What? Why?

Ted: Because this whole thing was your idea. And Claudia scares me.
Lily: But...but you're the guy...oh.
(Lily takes Ted's phone and answers it)
Lily: Ted's phone. Oh, hi Claudia. What?
Future Ted VO: Now I wasn't there, but what I heard, it went something like this.
(flashback of Stuart and Claudia talking in their apartment)
Stuart: Uh, by the way, honey, Ted stopped by and I told him he could bring his date to the wedding.
Claudia: You what?
Stuart: I told him he could bring a date to the wedding.
(scene fast forwards)
Claudia: Always undermining me at every turn.
(scene fast forwards again)
Stuart: Try to show a little flexibility, but no, it's all about you.
(scene fast forwards some more)
Claudia: And your mother, calling me all the time...
(scene fast forwards yet again)
Stuart: You know what, the wedding's off.
(Stuart walks out and slams door)
(back top present scene)
(Lily covers mouthpiece of phone and whispers to Ted and Marshall)
Lily: They broke up.
(Marshall slaps Ted)
Ted: Ow!
Lily: (to Claudia on phone) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Ted: It's not because of me, is it?
(Lily nods to Ted)
Lily: Uh-huh.
(screen splits to show Claudia in back of cab talking on phone on right side of screen)
Claudia: My dad already paid for this huge wedding. He's gonna kill me. He's gonna kill Ted, then I'm gonna kill Ted.
(another cell phone rings, Lily passes phone to Ted)
Ted: It's Robin.
Lily: Answer it.
Ted: Uh, Lily's phone.
(screen splits with Robin on phone on left side and Ted on phone on right side)
Robin: Ted. Where's Lily? I need to tell her about these awesome shoes I just bought.
Ted: Uh, Lily's busy.
Robin: Oh, OK, well I just wanted to say they're gorgeous and Ted's gonna love them.
Ted: That's great. I'll tell Lily to tell me. Uh, listen, I really wanna keep talking but now's not a good time so, um, I'm
really excited about tomorrow. OK, bye.
Robin: Bye-bye.
(Ted and Robin hang up)
Ted: Crap, she bought some expensive shoes. She's really looking forward to this. Do you think she's into me?
Marshall: Ted, focus.
(split screen with Lily and Claudia on respective phones)
Lily: Sweetie, just calm down. Do you wanna go somewhere and talk?
Claudia: I wanna go somewhere and drink.
Lily: OK, meet me at MacLaren's. I'll see you there.
(Lily and Claudia hang up phones)

Ted: I feel terrible.
Marshall: Well, feel terrible later. Right now, we gotta fix this. Lily, you go down to the bar and comfort Claudia. Ted
and I will go and try to talk some sense into Stuart.
Ted: Tell Claudia I'm sorry. Did she seem pissed at me?
Lily: She said if there's no wedding tomorrow, you owe her father $400,000.
Ted: Let's say we get these crazy kids back together.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Claudia sitting at bar drinking and looking sad, Barney approaches her)
Barney: Hi, sad-eyes. What's got you down? Claudia: Stuart and I just broke up.
(Claudia starts to cry)
Barney: Oh, God, I'm so sorry. That's just, that's just... (to bartender) two vodka cranberries.
Claudia: You remembered I drink vodka cranberries.
Barney: Remember? When it comes to you, how could I forget?
Barney: (to bartender) They all drink vodka cranberries.
Barney: So, is there anything else you need, sweetie?
Claudia: You got $400,000?
Barney: No, but I do have a hug.
(Barney puts his arms out, Claudia hugs him)
Barney: (looking up, whispers) Thank you.
INT. STUART'S APARTMENT
(Ted and Marshall talk to Stuart as he packs books into boxes)
Ted: Stuart, I don't know what to say. If I caused this in any way...
Stuart: Ted, for all I know you did me the biggest favor anyone's every done me.
Marshall: Oh, come on, man, you don't mean that.

Stuart: Yeah, I do. This whole thing's made me realize, I miss being single. I miss staying out late and making messes
and not cleaning them up. I miss owning p0rn.
Marshall: Dude, who doesn't.
Stuart: You know, I'll see some super-hot model chick and I'll think, "why am I with Claudia? I can be with her."
Ted: That's crazy. I mean, you're the luckiest...you and Claudia both...
Stuart: The point is, I wanna get married, I wanna settle down. But right now, that's just not who I am. I'm not a
commitment guy, I'm a single guy.
Ted: Stuart, you don't have to be one or the other. Everybody feels this way sometimes.
Relationships aren't easy, they're hard work. It's about compromise, growing together, all that Dr. Phil crap.
Stuart: How would you know, you're not even married?
Ted: OK, ask this guy. Nine years he's been with Lily. He's the pro. This guy knows relationships. Tell him, Marshall.
Marshall: Stuart, don't get married.
Ted: Dude.
Stuart: What?
Marshall: I'm sorry. Being in a couple is hard and committing, making sacrifices, it's hard. But if it's the right person,
then it's easy. Looking at that girl and knowing she's all you really want out of life, that should be the easiest thing in
the world. And if it's not like that, then she's not the one. I'm sorry.
Ted: You know I don't have $400,000, right?
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Barney and Claudia sit next to each other in booth) Claudia: Maybe we got together too young. Maybe that's what
the problem was. I mean, I'm 28 years old. I've really only been with one man.
Barney: That's just, that's... (yelling over to bartender) two more vodka cranberries please.
Barney: Claudia, it's all gonna be OK.
Claudia: Thanks for listening, Barney. Really means a lot to me.
Barney: Isn't it weird that we should run into each other like this? Two souls of equal levels of attractiveness, both
fitting together like two pieces of a very attractive puzzle.
Lily: Oh, hell no.

(Lily grabs Barney's ear and drags him away from Claudia)
Barney: Oww
Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God, if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air
as her, I will take those peanuts you try to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and
then I'll feed them to you like grapes.
Barney: Wait, my eyes or my testicles? Lily: One of each.
Barney: All right, all right.
(Stuart, Marshall and Ted enter MacLaren's)
Stuart: Claudia.
Claudia: Stuart. I'm so sorry.
(Claudia stands up)
Stuart: I'm so sorry too.
Claudia: I love you.
Stuart: I love you too, babe. Marshall and Ted set me straight, and when Marshall told me not to marry you, it made
me realize...
Claudia: Marshall said what?
(Claudia pushes Stuart out of the way to try to attack Marshall, Marshall hides behind Lily)
Stuart: He made me realize how much I love you. These guys got us back together.
(Stuart and Claudia kiss)
Ted: So, where did we land on the whole 'plus one' thing?
(Claudia turns around and tries to attack Ted, Ted runs away) Future Ted VO: It took three more vodka cranberries to
subdue Claudia but eventually she graciously agreed to let me bring Robin.
INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT BUILDING
(Ted walks up to Robin's front door in tuxedo, knocks on door, Robin opens door)
Ted: Still wow.
Robin: Wow yourself. Look who else brought it.

INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT
(Ted walks into Robin's apartment)
Ted: Oh yeah, I thought about leaving it at home, but I figured I don't wanna get there and realize I need it and have
to go all the way back to get it, so, yeah, I brought it.
(Robin's cell phone rings)
Robin: Sorry.
(Robin takes phone out of purse and answers)
Robin: Hello. Oh my God, tonight? You're kidding. Robin: (to Ted) They want me to anchor the news tonight.
Robin: Really? Like, anchor anchor? What happened to Sandy? OK, OK, sure, what time do you need me to...Right
now! Oh.
Ted: Do it. Do it.
Robin: OK, I need like five minutes to change and um, I'll call you from the cab...
INT. WEDDING RECEPTION
(Ted and Barney sit at table, Marshall and Lily dancing)
Marshall: So, admit it, this wedding is both indoors and amazing.
Lily: I'll give you the crab puffs. The crab puffs are good.
Marshall: Crab puffs were incredible.
Lily: We should totally have them at our wedding.
Marshall: Definitely. Hey, we just agreed on something.
Lily: Did we just start planning our wedding?
Marshall: I think we did.
(Marshall and Lily kiss)
Lily: We totally have to get that brown dipping sauce.
Marshall: Oh, I thought the red sauce was like aweome.
Lily: My God, were you born without taste buds? (Marshall smiles and laughs)
Lily: What?
Marshall: I love you.
(cut to Robin anchoring the news)
Robin: Coming up, are there snakes living in your walls? The answer may surprise you, after the break.
(back to wedding scene)
(Stuart and Claudia dance)
Barney: Man, you know something, Stuart's my new hero. If that dude can bag a nine, I gotta be able to bag like a
sixteen.
Ted: What's a sixteen?
Barney: Those two eight's right over there. Yeah.
(Claudia and Stuart walk over to Ted and Barney)
Claudia: Hi Ted.
Ted: Claudia.
Claudia: We just wanted to get a picture with the woman who almost ended our relationship.
Stuart: Yeah, where is she?
Ted: Um (clears throat) She couldn't make it.
(Claudia laughs)
Ted: What's so funny? Claudia: Plan a wedding, you'll see.
(Stuart and Claudia walk away)
Ted: Look at that. That's how it's supposed to be, that, right there. Easy. Simple. It's just not like that with Robin. It's
not easy, and on some level, it has to just be easy.
Barney: Speaking of easy, bridesmaids, Ted. Bridesmaids.
(Claudia walks towards Ted)
Claudia: By the way, I almost forgot. We found this.
(Claudia hands Ted his reply card, Ted takes it and looks at it, Claudia walks away)
Ted: I didn't check 'plus one'. You were right. Barney: Of course I was right.
Ted: I'm single. Maybe that's just who I am. And you know what? I like being single.
Barney: Being single's the best.
Ted: Stay out as late as you want.
Barney: Answer to no one.
Ted: The whole world full of endless possibilities.
Barney: Never having to go to a farmer's market.
(Ted and Barney clink champagne glasses)
Barney: OK, ah, doing some math here. Table six has got three bridesmaids, an eight, an eight and a seven. I am
willing to give you one of the eight's, lowering myself to a fifteen, which means you owe me...
Future Ted VO: So there we were, two single guys doing our usual single guy thing. For whatever reason, I had let
myself believe that this night would be a turning point, that this was the night that my life, my real life, would finally
begin. Funny thing is, I wasn't totally wrong.
(Ted notices girl at table, Girl looks at Ted and smiles
Future Ted VO: 'Cause that night was just beginning.
END
13 - Drumroll, Please
(pictures of brides and grooms at their weddings)
Future Ted VO: Kids, in life there are a lot of big romantic moments, and they make life worth living. But here's the
problem, moments pass, and lurking just around the corner from those moments is a cruel, unshaven b*st*rd named
reality.
INT. WEDDING RECEPTION
(Ted, Barney and Tanya, a bridesmaid, sit)
Future Ted VO: And so, back in 2006, on the night of Claudia and Stuart's wedding, reality was the enemy.
Tanya: Wow, the Peace Corps?
Barney: Yeah, I ship out tomorrow for two years. You know, some people say the Peace Corps is the most noble thing
a person can do. To those people, I say, "Is it?" And usually they say, "yes it is."
Tanya: Barney, they are so right. I wish there was something I could do.
Barney: Oh, Tanya, I'm so glad you said that.
(Barney leans over and whispers to Tanya)
Future Ted VO: This wasn't how I thought the night would turn out.
(Ted's dream scenario of him and Robin dancing)
Future Ted VO: This was finally supposed to be my big moment with Robin. But then reality came along.
(flashback to Robin getting called to do news, then flashback of Robin anchoring the news)
Future Ted VO: Robin got called up last minute to anchor the 11 o'clock news. It was her big break.
Future Ted VO: And I went to the wedding stag. Then, when I least expected it...
(Ted notices girl and smiles, Girl smiles back)
INT. APARTMENT
(Lily and Marshall sitting on couch, Ted walks over to them)
Lily: Hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night?
Ted: I had the most amazing night ever.
Marshall: Tell me about it, that cake, best cake I ever had. Seriously. My stomach was like, hey bro, I don't know what
you're eating 'cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down gullet alley.
Lily: Yeah, I know. My stomach was like, girlfriend, we don't always get along but that cake...
Marshall: Say what?
Ted: Lily.
Lily: Oh right. Most amazing night ever, and go.
(flashback to Ted talking to Victoria at wedding)
Victoria: I should tell you, I have a rule. I never hook up at weddings.
Ted: I'm guessing you haven't always had this rule.
Victoria: Well, here's the thing. Those big romantic moments, they're great when they happen, but they're not real.
Ted: Exactly. Exactly, like, like just now, when I saw you doing the chicken dance out there, I'm not gonna lie to you,
big time thunderbolt.
Victoria: You should see me tap-dance. You'd be down on bended knee.
Ted: Sadly not out of character. But I know now it's just a mirage.
Victoria: Wedding goggles.
Ted: Exactly. And that, in a nutshell, is why I'm not putting the moves on you.
Victoria: This isn't the moves?
Ted: What, you think this is the moves? Believe me, you'd know the moves. People ten tables away would know the
moves.
Victoria: That's too bad.
Ted: Tell me about it.
Victoria: You know, I think I have a solution.

Ted: Interested.
Victoria: And, to preface this, we're not going to sleep together tonight.
Ted: Less interested.
(Victoria laughs)
Ted: Go ahead.
Victoria: OK. So the thing that always screws it up is the next day, right? So, why don't we just cut that part out.
Ted: What are you saying?
Victoria: I'm saying, I'm here, you're here, and this is a big, romantic wedding. Why don't we just dance and have a
great time and then when it's over, never see each other again.
Ted: Unless...
Victoria: No, no unless. No emails, no phone numbers, not even names. Tonight we will make a memory that will
never be tarnished. And then, when we're old and gray, we'll look back on this night and it'll be perfect.
Ted: Wow. OK, I'm in.
Victoria: OK.
Ted: I guess, what, we'll need fake names?
Victoria: Um, you can call me Buttercup.
(Victoria extends hand, Ted shakes it)
Ted: Pleased to meet you, Buttercup. I'm Lando Calrissian.
(Victoria laughs)
Ted: Wow, this is kind of exciting. Our names will forever be shrouded...
(Barney comes up to Ted with a bridesmaid)
Barney: Ted, Ted, Ted, look, I got a bridesmaid, Ted, look, look, Ted, the second hottest bridesmaid, Ted, look. See ya
Ted.
(Barney leaves quickly with Tanya)
Ted: So, I'm Ted.

Victoria: Victoria. But no last names.
Ted: No last names.
Marshall: Oh.
Lily: Oh, what is wrong with you?
Marshall: Dude, that is just like... a weenie ass idea.
Ted: No, it was awesome. I had a great night, I'm never gonna see her again, and there's no way to ruin it.
Marshall: Ted, how do I explain this to you? Last night I had the best cake of my life. You think I'm gonna let that cake
out of my life? Hell, no. I'm gonna find out what bakery made that cake and then I'm gonna get some more cake.
Ted: That cake really got to you, huh?
Marshall: It haunts me.
Lily: So, what happened next?
(flashback to Ted and Victoria at wedding) Victoria: OK, ground rules have been established.
Ted: Mm-hm.
Victoria: Now let's see some of these moves I've heard so much about.
(Ted gets up and grabs a bottle of champagne and two glasses and comes back over to Victoria and grabs her hand
and leads her out of the reception area)
Victoria: Wait wait wait wait wait.
(Ted and Victoria slow down and stop by the cake table)
Victoria: Let's do all the single ladies in this joint a big favor and steal the bouquet.
Ted: Yes, but we'll need a diversion.
(Ted grabs utensil from table and starts clinking his glass with it)
Ted: Kiss.
(Other people at wedding start clinking their glasses and chanting "kiss, kiss...", Victoria grabs bouquet and she and
Ted rush out of reception)
Ted: Go. Go, go, go
Lily: So, that's what happened to the bouquet. You know, good for Victoria. It's such an evil tradition.
Ted: You're not gonna do it at your wedding?
Lily: Oh, yeah, I'm gonna take that flower grenade and chuck it into the crowd and scream, crawl for it, bitches. It's
just what girls do.
Marshall: So, where did you guys go?
(flashback to Ted playing piano and Victoria tap-dancing)
Ted: Very nice.
Victoria: Yeah?
(Victoria sits down on piano bench next to Ted)
Victoria: OK, I don't really know how to tap-dance.
Ted: I couldn't really tell.
(Ted and Victoria laugh)
Ted: Well, it's too bad you're not gonna get some tonight.
Victoria: Oh, if I wanted some, I could get some.
Ted: No you couldn't.
Victoria: You're a dude. I could totally...
Ted: Totally get some.
(Ted and Victoria look at each other, Ted starts to lean in towards Victoria)
Victoria: We're not gonna kiss tonight.
(Ted pounds keys on piano)
Victoria: If we kiss, all of this becomes real. You, you might use too much tongue, or not use enough and then
suddenly, poof, spell's broken.
Ted: I will use exactly the right amount of tongue.

Victoria: OK, how about this? The best part of any first-kiss is the lead-up to it, the moment right before the lips
touch. It's like a big drumroll. So, how about, tonight, we just stick with the drumroll.
Ted: OK.
Victoria: But we can't kiss.
Ted: OK.
(Victoria and Ted lean in to each other as if to kiss and pull away)
Marshall: A drumroll? That's it. So, what, you just said good-night, came home, and performed a drum solo?
Lily: Oh, Ted, you're such a doof. I mean, this girl sounds amazing.
Ted: She was completely amazing. She was amazing and funny and we connected on every level. And, I'm never
gonna see her again.
(Ted gets up and walks towards kitchen, turns back suddenly toward Lily and Marshall)
Ted: Dammit, I have to see her again.
Lily, Marshall: Yes.
Marshall: So, let's get to work, man. What else do you know about her?
Ted: Nothing. Her name's Victoria, that's all I got. Wait, Claudia, Claudia would know.
Lily: Well, Claudia's on her honeymoon. She'll be back in two weeks. Call her then.
Ted: Yes, two weeks, good idea. I'm calling her now.
(Ted starts dialing his cell phone)
Lily: No, Ted, you don't mess with a honeymoon.
Marshall: Yeah, come on, dude. Ask her about the cake.
INT. AIRPORT
(Claudia and Stuart are in line to board, Claudia's phone rings, she answers it)
Claudia: Ted?
(Ted on phone in his apartment) Ted: Hey, Claudia, great wedding, beautiful toast, touching stuff. How's the
honeymoon? Listen, I'm calling because last night I met this girl and I was wondering if you had...
(Claudia on phone)
Claudia: Oh, you have got to be freakin kidding me.
Stuart: Oh, here we go.
Claudia: 24 hours ago, you were begging, begging me to bring some other girl to my wedding, and now, what, you're
over her?
(Ted on phone)
Ted: I've moved on.
(Claudia on phone)
Claudia: What was her name? Was it my fat cousin, Lindsay? Don't be embarrassed. She has pretty eyes.
(Ted on phone)
Ted: Uh, no, her name was Victoria, I don't know her last name.
(Claudia on phone)
Claudia: Well, lucky for you, I know that guest list backwards and forwards.
(Ted on phone)
Ted: Thank God.
(Claudia on phone)
Claudia: Unlucky for you, there was no Victoria at my wedding. Good-bye, Ted.
(Claudia hangs up)
INT. APARTMENT
(Ted puts phone down from his ear)
Ted: There was no Victoria at the wedding.
Lily: Maybe she used a second fake name. Oh, she's good, she's very good.
Marshall: Maybe she was a ghost. That's why she didn't wanna kiss you, because you'd just pass right through her
and feel really cold for a second. Oh my God, I just had a great idea for a screenplay.
Ted: Marshall. She was not a ghost.
Marshall: I know that she wasn't a ghost, she picked up a bouquet, proving she had corporeal form.
Ted: Wait, wait, wait, she was sitting across from a couple of bridesmaids. She must have been at their table. Maybe
they know who she was?
Lily: Great. How do we get in touch with the bridesmaids?
(Ted dials his phone)
INT. MASSAGE PARLOR
(Barney lying down getting massage, masseuse is standing on Barney's back, Barney's phone vibrates, he answers)
Barney: This better be good, I'm about to enter nirvana. By the way, I should give you Nirvana's phone number, she
gives a great massage. Say what?
Nirvana: Barney.
(Nirvana kicks Barney)
Barney: Ow. I know the house rules. Es un chiste.
(Ted on phone)
Ted: Uh, listen, Barney, I saw you talking to that bridesmaid last night. Did you happen to get her phone number?
(Barney on phone)
Barney: You know I did.
(Ted on phone)
Ted: Great. I'm gonna need you to call her for me.
(Barney on phone)
Barney: You know I won't.
(Ted on phone)
Ted: Why not?

INT. MACLAREN'S
(Ted, Barney, Marshall, and Lily sit at booth)
Barney: Because we just hooked up last night. I can't call the girl the next day. I have to wait at least, like, forever. Oh
snap. Never gonna call her. Besides, she thinks I'm on my way to India.
Lily: Oh, come on, Barney. It's for a good cause.
Barney: Ted going all castrati over another girl is exactly not a good cause. Sorry, buddy, I wish I could help you, my
hands are tied. Oh no, wait, that was last night.
(Barney makes whip sound)
Ted: OK, Barney, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. You make this call and I will go with you to Foxy Boxing.
Barney: Really? Ted: Yeah.
Barney: But you always said that Foxy Boxing girls were neither foxy nor good at boxing.
Ted: I'm ready to be proven wrong.
Barney: Tonight? Ted: Tonight. Dial.
Barney: (on phone) Yeah, Tanya, turns out I don't leave for the Peace Corps until tomorrow. Yeah, I know, sucks. Just
one fewer day I get to help people. Anyway, this girl, any idea who she was? Hold on.
Barney: (to Ted) What kind of shoes...
Barney: (on phone) Tanya, he's a dude. He's not gonna know what kind of shoes she was wearing.
Ted: Actually.
Barney: Oh come on.
(flashback to Ted walking out of piano room)
Victoria: Hey.
(Victoria throws bouquet to Ted, Victoria walks up to Ted)
Ted: So, what do you want to do next?
Victoria: Uh...
Ted: Don't think...first thing that comes into your mind.

Victoria: Hold this.
(Victoria takes off her shoes and hands them to Ted, Victoria does a cartwheel)
Ted: Whoa. There she goes.
Barney: (on phone) Apparently she was wearing brown shoes with little snowflakes on them.
Yeah, they do sound cute. Any idea who...? OK, well thanks anyway. Yeah, you take... Tonight? Well, I'm shipping out
pretty early so I won't be able to stay over, but, yeah, sure, I'd love to. OK, I'll talk to you later.
(Barney hangs up phone)
Barney: Sorry, Ted, I won't be able to make foxy boxing tonight.
Ted: I understand.
Lily: OK, let's not lose hope. We'll call the hotel, maybe she was staying there. We'll have them check the registry for
anyone named Victoria. Or maybe she goes by Vicky or Tori...
Marshall: Or Ictor. Probably doesn't go by Ictor.
Ted: No, you know what? This is fate. I am never supposed to see this girl again. That was the whole point of the
night. I've just been saved from myself. Let's drink many beers.
Marshall: Agreed.
(Marshall and Ted clink beer glasses)
Future Ted VO: And I thought that was the end of it, but then...
INT. APARTMENT
(Lily sits on couch reading magazine, knock at door, Lily gets up and opens door, Robin comes in)
Lily: Hey, there's the anchor lady! How was it?
Robin: Oh, I don't know. Why don't you ask the new substitute weekend anchor. Robin? Thanks, Robin, it was
awesome. Back to you, Robin.
Lily: Congrats, that's so cool.
(Lily and Robin hug, then sit down on couch)
Robin: Yeah, I felt really bad bailing on Ted though.

Lily: Oh, don't even worry about it. In fact...
(flashbacks of Ted and Victoria running out of reception with bouquet, Victoria sitting next to Ted on piano bench,
Victoria doing her cartwheel)
Future Ted VO: And then Lily told her the whole story, right down to the brown shoes with the little snowflakes on
them, and by the end of it...
(back to present scene, Robin sits there with her mouth agape)
Lily: What?
Robin: I know who she is.
Lily: You know who she is? But, you weren't even at the wedding.
Robin: Actually, I kind of was.
Lily: What?
Robin: Well, after the newscast, I was so excited, I decided to surprise Ted by going to the reception.
(flashback to Robin walking in hallway of reception in her red dress, she stops at doorway of piano room and sees Ted
and Victoria lean in as if to kiss each other, Robin walks away and walks into bathroom, Robin goes into stall and sits
down and starts to cry)
Robin: Dammit. Stop it. What the hell?
Victoria: Hello? You OK in there?
Robin: Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Just allergies or something. I'm fine.
Victoria: Listen, do you wanna come and cry out here? I've been told I'm an excellent hugger.
Robin: Oh, thanks, but I don't actually cry in front of people, or cry at all for that matter. Man, it's gross. Does
everyone snot up this much when they cry?
Victoria: Hey, you're speaking to a fellow snotter. So, why are you crying?
Lily: Because you have feelings for Ted.
Robin: I don't know, maybe.
Lily: OK, what is wrong with the two of you?! Seriously. He likes you and you like him, just, just, just be together.
Geez, Louise, happiness is not that difficult.
Robin: Oh, look, OK. Yes, I cried in the bathroom, and that was weird. But that doesn't mean I'm in love with the guy.
The fact is I don't know how I feel.
Lily: Yes you do. Seeing him with someone else and crying about it. Guess what? That's how you feel. That is nothing
but how you feel.
Robin: OK, fine, I have feelings for him. Happy? Lily: Kinda, yeah.
Robin: But it doesn't change anything. I still don't wanna get married and he's still... Ted. What I should do is just tell
him who Victoria is so he could be happy.
Lily: Or you could tell him you're into him and then you could both be happy.
Robin: I'm gonna go find him.
(Robin walks towards the front door)
Lily: Well, wait. Which one are you gonna tell him?
Robin: I have no idea.
INT. MACLAREN'S
(Marshall, Ted and Barney sit at booth)
Barney: And here's the most amazing part. Because I told her I converted all my money to India dollars, she gave me
fifty bucks to take a cab to the airport. That's right, I just got paid for s*x.
(Barney takes a 50-dollar bill out of his pocket)
Barney: I really should give this money to the Peace Corps. They've done so much for me lately.
(Robin walks up to booth)
Robin: Hi, guys,
Ted: Hey.
Robin: Um, Ted, can I talk to you outside for a second?
Ted: Sure. What's up?
(Ted gets up, Ted's phone rings)
Robin: Uh, I, I have to tell you something.
Ted: Oh.
Robin: Oh, just get it.
(Ted answers his phone)
Ted: Hello.
(Stuart sitting in airport on phone with Ted)
Stuart: Ted, it's Stuart. My lovely bride would like to say something to you.
(Stuart passes phone to Claudia)
Claudia: Ted. I'm sorry I hung up on you earlier. My new husband and a vodka cranberry which cost $10.50 at the
freakin' airport bar. When is this plane going to board?!
Stuart: Sweet pea.
Claudia: Have helped me realize that sometimes I can act like a crazy person. And I don't want my new husband to
think I'm a crazy person.
(Ted on phone)
Ted: It's fine, Claudia. Don't worry about it.
(Marshall whispers to Ted about cake and makes cake-eating motions)
Ted: Oh, um, Marshall wanted to know where you guys got that cake.
(Claudia on phone)
Claudia: Cake.
(Robin looks at Ted) (flashback to Victoria passing bouquet to Robin under bathroom stall door)
Victoria: Why don't you take this? Sounds like you could use it.
Robin: Thanks. You're very sweet. So, are you a friend of the bride or groom?
(back to present scene of Claudia on phone)
Claudia: We got it at this little bakery downtown.
(flashback to Victoria and Robin talking in bathroom)
Victoria: Actually, neither.
(back to present scene of Claudia on phone)

Claudia: It's called the Buttercup Bakery.
(flashback to Ted and Victoria sitting at reception)
Pleased to meet you, Buttercup.
(flashback to Victoria talking to Robin in bathroom)
Victoria: I made the cake.
(Ted hangs up phone)
Ted: She made the cake.
(back from commercial break)
Ted: Buttercup Bakery. She wasn't on the guest list because she wasn't a guest. She made the cake.
Marshall: She made that cake. Ted, this is the girl. You gotta marry her, today. She has to move in with us.
Ted: I'm going down to that bakery.
Lily: No, no, don't do it.
Marshall: Baby, what are you talking about?!
Ted: Yeah, all day long, you've been busting my apple bag about finding this girl.
Lily: Well, I just think that maybe she's not that into you and that's why she didn't give you her number. Robin, care to
chime in with anything? Robin: Yes. Ted. Go get her.
Ted: Going. Getting.
(Ted turns to leave, Barney gets up also)
Barney: Ted, oh my gosh, I love this moment. You know why? Because I'm gonna say it and this time you're actually
gonna say yes. You ready? You ready to say yes? Ted, suit up!
Ted: Yes! No.
Barney: Oh come on!
(flashback to Ted and Victoria returning to reception hall to find everyone has left)
Ted: Whoa. Guess we were gone a while.

Victoria: Well, that's too bad. I was looking forward to one last dance.
(Ted sees little boom box on table and turns it on, Ted and Victoria begin to dance)
Ted: Why yes I am. Sorry, I could tell what you were just thinking.
Victoria: Wow, what was I thinking?
Ted: Damn, he's looking mighty fine in that tux.
Victoria: You got me, you are good.
Ted: You know, I don't look like this every day. On a real weekend, the real Ted wears a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt
with bleach stains on it.
Victoria: The real Ted sounds real sexy. It's too bad I'll never get to see it.
INT. CAB
(Ted sitting up front in sweatshirt, Barney, Lily and Marshall sit in back of cab)
Lily: Buttercup Bakery. This is it.
Marshall: Good luck, dude. Grab me a cupcake.
Barney: Ted, you still with us?
(flashback to Ted and Victoria dancing, they lean in to kiss but pull away)
Ted: Tell me your last name.
(Victoria shakes her head)
Ted: You know, there's one little flaw in our plan.
Victoria: What's that?
Ted: I'm gonna go home tonight with a lot of great memories and one really sucky memory: the memory of you
walking out that door.
(Victoria pulls away from Ted)
Victoria: Hey, Ted.
Ted: Yeah?
Victoria: Close your eyes, and count to five.
(Ted closes his eyes)
Ted: One, two, three, four, five.
(Ted opens his eyes to find Victoria gone)
Ted: And to our dying day, we will remember everything about that night as perfect. Maybe we both need that. So
many things go wrong in life, but this is the one thing that never will. It'll always, always be pure, unadulterated
awesome. If I walk in there, I'm robbing both of us of what could be...
Barney: The meter's running, dude. Crap or get off the pot.
Ted: OK.
(Ted gets out of cab)
INT. BUTTERCUP BAKERY
(Ted stands outside bakery looking in to see Victoria icing a cupcake, Ted enters bakery, bell on door tinkles, Victoria
turns her head to see Ted standing there)
Victoria: Oh thank God.
(Victoria rushes towards Ted and they kiss)
END
14 - Zip, Zip, Zip
Ted from 2030: When you meet someone special, suddenly life is full of firsts. The first kiss. The first night together.
The first weekend together. For me, all those firsts happened within 48 hours of meeting Victoria.
The appartment
Marshall: They have to come out soon, it's Monday.
Lily: Do you think they've been in there the whole time? I don't know whether to be proud or concerned.
Marshall: Maybe they're not even in there.
(The door of Ted's room opens and Marshall Lily runs away from it)
Victoria: Good morning.
Ted: Hey, guys.
Victoria: I'm just going to ignore that.
Marshall: Thank you!
Ted: I wish you could stay.
Victoria: I know, me, too. But I have to go to work, and you have that meeting.
Ted: Call you afterwards?
Victoria: I'll inappropriately text you during. Bye.
Ted: Bye.
Marshall: Two days straight?!
Lily: Wow, your room must smell like a monkey cage!
Marshall: Come on, give us a number. Lily guessed eight, but I know my boy got to double digits.
Ted: Zero.
Marshall: What?
Lily: What?
Ted: Guys, we just met. And we both screwed up relationships in the past by jumping in too quick, so we talked about
it, and we decided to take this one slow.
Marshall: Her idea.
Ted: Totally her idea! But, I don't know, I'm really into this girl, and if going slow is what it takes to make this happen, I
say bring it on.
[3 weeks later]
The Bar
Ted: I don't feel so good. t's like my testicles mixed pop rocks and soda.
Marshall: I can't believe she's making you wait a whole month. I would never put up with that.
Ted: You've only had s*x with one girl in your whole life.
Lily: Burn!
Barney: Ted, the only reason to wait a month for s*x is if the girl is 17 years, 11 months old.
Robin: Good news: I don't have to cover the cat show tomorrow night. Who's up for hanging out?
Ted: Oh, I can't, I'm taking Victoria out for dinner.
Lily: No, no, we can't, it's our nine-year anniversary.
Robin: Wow, nine years? Your relationship's a fourth grader. Congrats.
Lily: Thanks. We're going to the Berkshires for the maple syrup harvest.
Marshall: It's one of New York Magazine's "Top five romantic getaways on a budget." Who says sexual can't be
sensible?
Robin: Well, looks like it's going to be just you and me.
Barney: Really?
Robin: Actually, I was talking to my martini.
The appartment
Marshall: Ready to go?

Lily: Hell, yeah. Nothing better than a weekend at a good bed and breakfast.
Marshall: Yeah. Waking up for breakfast at 7:00 A.M....Sharp.
Lily: Complimenting the odors and their collection of needle-point geese.
Marshall: Awkward conversations with middle-aged couples trying to stave off divorce.
Lily: Yeah, well, we'd better get going, it's like a four-hour drive.
Marshall: And it's supposed to rain tonight.
Lily: Or we could just stay home.
Marshall: Maybe watch some TV.
Lily: Order in some Chinese.
Marshall: Oh, Sichuan Garden! Are we really bailing?
Lily: Hell, yeah.
Marshall: Good, cause this thing's empty.
The Bar
Barney: Hundred dollars says when you turn around, I say "wow."
Robin: Barney, this is the third time you've hit on me by accident.
Barney: It's one of the many risks of the blind approach. It's usually a two-man operation where Ted signals that the
target is hot. But Ted's too busy being in a lesbian relationship.
Robin: Why don't you just check out the girl's reflection in the bar mirror?
Barney: You can't just... Wow!
Robin: Hey? What's taking so long? I have to go.
Barney: Not so fast, Scherbotsky. I like the way you think. That mirror thing. Simple. Elegant. Okay, limited-time offer:
I need a "bro" for my bro-ings on about town. How would you like to be said bro?
Robin: Well, as tempting as that sounds, I'm hanging out with my friend who just got dumped. She really needs some
support... or a stranger's tongue down her throat. That seems healthy. All right. Guess I'm in.
In a cab
Victoria: So... one more week and it'll be a month.
Ted: Really? Are you sure? Wow, that snuck up on me.
Victoria: Oh, come on.
Ted: The 18th can't get here fast enough.
Victoria: Wait, the 18th? Oh, crap! I can't believe I forgot this... I'm going to be out of town on the 18th!
Ted: Oh. Well, um, we can just... wait until you get back. I mean, the whole point was not to rush into this.
Victoria: Yeah. Or we could do it tonight.
Ted: 75th and Amsterdam.
In the bathroom
Lily: I'm so glad we decided to just stay home.
Marshall: Oh, I know. Can you imagine if we'd gone? We'd be just getting there now, all tired and cranky.
Lily: And yet we'd feel obligated to have s*x.
Marshall: Yeah, for 89 bucks a night, we're doing it. I would like to propose a toast. To the most awesomely mellow
anniversary ever.
(Ted and Victoria enters the appartment, kissing)
Ted: I'm so glad you have to go to your parents' next weekend.
Victoria: I'm so glad your roommates are out of town.
Lily: Oh, my God, what are they doing home?
Marshall: They think we went away. Oh, it is on for my boy, Ted.
Lily: But we didn't go away, we're in the bathroom.
Marshall: They don't know that. All we have to do is hide out in here until Ted moves his mojo into the bedroom.
Lily: But I don't want to hide out in here.
Marshall: Honey, Ted has been going out of his mind waiting for this. If we go out there and spoil the mood, it's not
going to happen. Then one of us is going to have to have s*x with Ted, and... not going to be me.
Lily: Okay, fine. I guess I'll actually floss.

In a bar
Barney: You suited up!
Robin: Well, I figured if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this right.
Barney: Emilio? The woman will have...
Robin: I'll have a Johnny Walker Blue, neat, and a Montecristo No. 2 Thanks.
Barney: Ah, the No. 2, a.k.a. "The Torpedo." Or, as the rollers call it, "Piramide."
Robin: My father was a cigar fanatic, it was the only way to get his attention.
Barney: Father issues. Hot.
Robin: I know... I was this close to being a huge slut.
Barney: Slut would have been better, but I'll settle for bro. Especially now that Ted's with Victoria and can't drink.
Because he's pregnant. Cause he's the girl.
Robin: Oh, come on, Ted can't be pregnant. You need to have s*x to get pregnant.
Barney: What up! Freeze frame high five!
The appartment
Victoria: I think this may be a perfect moment. I wish we could hold onto it forever.
Ted: No. Because the beauty of a moment is that it's fleeting. By its very nature, it... slips through our fingers...
making it that much more precious.
(In the bathroom, Lily and Marshall are ears dropping...)
Lily: Ugh, that is bad. That is, like, high-school-literary-magazine bad.
Marshall: And they're not even high.
Lily: It's actually working.
Marshall: Yeah, smooth but slowly. God, close the deal, already. It's been, like, 45 minutes... we could have had s*x
three times by now.
Lily: Yeah, try five.
Marshall: What up! Maybe we should just go out there.

Lily: No way! We can't go out there now. They'll know that we've been sitting in the bathroom the whole time. It'll be
too weird.
Marshall: Fine. But if we're stuck in here... I'm turning up the volume. Shh. Shh.
(Marshall opens the door)
Victoria: I want to know you. Like, know your soul. Ted, what makes you cry?
Lily: Honey, could you hold my hair back, I think I'm going to hurl.
In a bar
Robin: So. What do you and Ted usually do after the cigar bar?
Barney: Are you kidding? Ted's never been here. You've already flown higher and faster than he ever did. Still...
Robin: What?
Barney: There is one other thing we could do. If you're up for it.
At Laser-Tag
Robin: Oh, I had no idea laser tag still existed!
Barney: Yeah, well, enjoy it before it becomes cool again. I give it two months.
Robin: Oh, I believe it... this is awesome!
Barney: Okay, follow my lead, stay low, and never underestimate a 12-year-old with a... Scherbotsky, you have to
focus! You just saved my life, didn't you?
Robin: Thank me later. Let's keep moving. These little bastards are everywhere.
The appartment
Marshall: He's just staring into her eyes.
Lily: I don't know, we used to be even more nauseatingly into each other than Ted and Victoria. Now look at us.
Marshall: Yeah... now we just make fun of people like that. It's the circle of life.
Lily: No, I'm serious, Marshall. I mean, we couldn't even get it up to go on our big trip. And now we're celebrating our
anniversary stuck in a bathroom.
Marshall: Well, it's not fair to compare us to Ted and Victoria. This is their first time.
Lily: Yeah, but we could still have some more romance. Now, you just say, "Want to do it?" And I say, "Yeah."
Marshall: Want to...
Lily: No! Maybe we're just out of firsts.
Marshall: Looks like they're about to have theirs.
Ted: Should we take this to the bedroom?
Marshall: Yes!
Lily: Yes!
Victoria: Yes.
Marshall: Yes!
Lily: Yes!
(Ted's phone starts ringing)
Marshall: No. No, don't answer it!
Victoria: You can answer it. We have all night.
Marshall: You're answering it? He's answering it!
Lily: No! Do her! Do her now!
Ted: Sure. Good luck with that. (He hangs up) Sorry about that.
Victoria: How about a little more wine?
Ted: I'll get another bottle.
Lily: I need a drink. Do we have any cough syrup in here?
Marshall: Shh...
At Laser-Tag
Robin: Oh, God. These brats have us completely surrounded. I counted nine, maybe ten. I'll lay down some cover fire,
you make a run for it.
Barney: No. Leave no man behind. Either we all get out of here or no one does.
Robin: But I...
Barney: Don't be a hero, Scherbotsky.
Robin: See you on the other side.
Barney: Damn. Want to go get a soft pretzel?
Robin: Yeah.
Barney: All right.
The appartment
Lily: Marshall, what happened to us? We used to just stare into each other's eyes all night long. Have we lost that?
Marshall: Maybe. But I think I just found it. Right here. Baby, I'm giving you sexy smoldering with just a hint of crazy
eyes.
Lily: Okay, well, get ready for my sex-ray vision. Did you remember to pick up the dry cleaning? Oh, damn it.
Marshall: It's all right. We can do this.
Lily: Let's just hold hands. This is nice.
Marshall: You love that move. It's a classic Marshall.
Lily: All right, we totally suck at this. We really, really need to get out of here.
Marshall: Well, we can't.
Lily: Baby, there's something I have to do, and if I do it in front of you, it'll change the entire nature of our
relationship.
Marshall: What is it?
Lily: I have to pee.
Marshall: This is bad.
Lily: Yeah.
Marshall: We've gone nine years without peeing in front of each other. You always think there'll be more time.
Lily: Look at us. We're basically an old married couple, and we're not even married yet. The flame of our romance is
flickering, and if I pee all over it, it might go out forever.
Marshall: How much longer do you think you can hold it?
Lily: I drank a Big Gulp of Mountain Dew during that Quantum Leap marathon.
Marshall: Oh, boy.
The Bar
Robin: Playing laser tag really takes me back. You know what game I really miss? Battleship. I've never lost a game.
Barney: Neither have I. Of course I cheat.
Robin: Oh, yeah, me, too. The trick is to bend the aircraft carrier so it makes an L.
Barney: Ah. I always just stacked the ships on top of each other.
Robin: Nice. You know, we should have a cheaters grudge match. I think I still have a... Hello. Target acquired. Hottie
by the jukebox.
Barney: Ooh, good eye, Scherbotsky. I got someone for you. Two o'clock, blue shirt.
Robin: That's a woman.
Barney: Oh, my mistake. Or is it?
Robin: Let's just focus on your target.
Barney: Right.
Robin: Yeah, I got this one. Oh, my God. I love your jeans.
Woman: Okay. Is this a lesbian bar? Because that girl with the blue shirt just...
Robin: Oh, no. I am all about the dudes. Although pickings are pretty slim tonight. Only hot guy here is blondie in the
suit, and he's playing hard to get.
Woman: Really? 'Cause he's totally vibing me right now. Must be the jeans.
Robin: Well, jeans will only get you so far. I'm going home with him.
Woman: We'll see about that.
The appartment
Lily: Oh, my God, I hate Ted. I hate him so much.
Marshall: Baby, why don't you just go? Tons of other couples have peed in front of each other.
Lily: No, but we haven't, because I want to keep some of the mystery alive.
Marshall: Well, you have farted in front of me.
Lily: Yes, but I always cover it with a cough.
Marshall: You always do.
The Bar
Barney: Hey.
Robin: Hey.
Barney: Let's get out of here. Let's go somewhere else.
Robin: What happened?
Barney: Eh, you sometimes like to do a little catch and release.
Robin: But why?
Barney: Leave no man behind. Either we all score or no one scores.
Robin: Right on. Hey, you want to go play Battleship?
Barney: Hit!
The appartment
Victoria: Ted, I can't wait any longer.
Ted: Should we move to the bedroom?
Victoria: There's no time for that.
Marshall: They can suck on each other's fingers for an hour, but there's no time to take two steps to the bedroom?
Lily: Baby, I can't hold it in any longer. It's time.
Marshall: I know.
Lily: I love you, Marshall.
Marshall: I love you, Lily.
In front of Robin's appartment

You know, Barney, I had a surprisingly good time bro-ing out tonight.
Barney: Well, you make a good bro. You're a better Ted than Ted. Hey, in fact, you have just earned yourself an invite
to Marshall's bachelor party. And you don't even have to come out of the cake.
Robin: Thanks. And, um, thanks for sticking around tonight. I hope you're ready for some hard-core Battleship. Come
on, boys.
Barney: Hard-core? That's the only way I play. (Barney strips down)
Robin: I found it. Are you ready to... What the hell are you doing?
Barney: I'm birthday suiting up.vI'm sorry, did you want to undress me?
Robin: No! I thought we were just hanging out as friends.
Barney: Oh, come on, you have been throwing yourself at me all night.
Robin: What?! I did the opposite! I threw some other girl at you.
Barney: You invited me up to your apartment to "play Battleship." Is that not an internationally recognized term for
s*x?
Robin: No.
Barney: Great. I hope you're happy. You sunk my battleship.
The appartment
Lily: I'm okay. You okay?
Marshall: I feel the same. And yet, strangely different.
Lily: I'm happy for my bladder, yet sad for us.
Marshall: You had to do it, sweetie... for Ted. And, hey, look, at least now we can stay in here as long as it takes.
Lily: Yeah. I guess our relationship had to take a hit so a new one out there could blossom. Oh, crap!
Marshall: They must have heard that.
Lily: Well, I guess we can come out now. I don't believe it. They're gone.
Marshall: Good. 'Cause I got to take a whiz.
At Robin's
Robin: Okay, you and me, that's insane. If you even thought about it for one second...
Barney: But I have thought about it for three seconds, and it makes a lot of sense. We both think the marriage
commitment thing's a drag. We both want something casual and fun. And we clearly get along really well.
Robin: Wow, that actually did make a lot of sense. But what about Ted?
Barney: I checked with Ted.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: Ted, so now that things with you and Victoria are going pretty well, I assume you're over all the girls you
were into before, right? I take your silence as a yes, so say I were to hook up with someone, say Robin, you'd be cool
with that, right?
Ted: Sure. Good luck with that.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Totally gave us his blessing.
Robin: Really?
Barney: Really.
Robin: So Ted didn't care that you wanted to make a move on me?
Barney: Didn't care at all. Oh. Oh...
Robin: What?
Barney: You like Ted.
Robin: I didn't say I liked Ted.
Barney: You like Ted. Wow. This is huge.
Robin: Barney, I don't like Ted. He's moved on, and I'm really happy for...
Barney: Yeah, yeah. Look, are we gonna play Battleship or what?
Robin: You're not gonna tell him, are you?
Barney: No. That's the bro code. A bro doesn't tell a mutual bro that a third bro has a crush on him. Just like the third
bro doesn't tell the mutual bro that the original bro went bare pickle in front of her. It's quid pro bro.
Robin: A-7.
Barney: Miss.
Robin: Of course.
The appartment
Marshall: Well, we still have one frontier left. Still got the deuce.
Lily: Not making me feel better.
Marshall: Well, it certainly was a first.
Lily: It was, wasn't it? We still have firsts.
Marshall: Of course we do. And you know what, I actually feel closer to you now. I want to know you. Like, know your
soul.
Lily: Marshall, what makes you cry?
Marshall: This moment is fleeting because it's being chased by another moment.
Lily: Oh, just grab my boob already.
(Ted comes out of his room)
Ted: Come on, guys, get a room.
[END]
15 - Game Night
Ted from 2030: Kids, something you might not know about your Uncle Marshall is that he's always been good at
games. I mean, unbeatable. Gin! Yahtzee! Poker!
Ted: You don't have to shout out "poker" when you win.
Marshall: I know. It's just fun to say.
Ted from 2030: We all finally agreed Marshall should be running our game nights instead of playing in them. Which
he took to mean, "invent your own game."
The Bar
Marshall: It's called "Marsh-gammon." It combines all the best features of all the best games... Candy Land, I Never,
Pictionary.
Robin: Backgammon, obviously.
Marshall: No. Backgammon sucks. I took the only good part of backgammon, the "gammon," and I left the rest of it in
the trash where it belongs.
Lily: I'm so excited Victoria's coming.
Robin: I'm going to go get another round.
Ted: Okay, I want to lay down some ground rules for tonight. Barney, I actually like Victoria... a lot, so don't say
anything embarrass... Don't say anything. And guys, I haven't exactly told Victoria that I used to have a kind of thing
for Robin, so we you could just avoid the...
Barney: Well, well, well. How rich. You make me promise to be on my best behavior around your girlfriend, yet, you
have been lying to her since day one. Excuse me.Hi. Leg Warehouse? Yeah, my friend Ted needs something to stand
on. So, nothing for him to stand on? Okay, and thanks so much. Ted, doesn't Victoria deserve to know that you once
had the hots for Robin? I have half a mind to tell the story of the re-return.
Ted: No. I-I swore you to secrecy on that.
Lily: Ooh, I am smelling dirt. What is the story of the re-return?
Ted: Nothing. It's nothing. And speaking of digging up dirt, can I count on you two to behave around Victoria?
Lily: Us? What would we do?

Ted: Look, um, you guys have always been like the parents that I still have and, in fact, moved here to get away from.
However, could we skip the traditional interrogation of the new girlfriend tonight?
Marshall: Fine.
Lily: Fine.
Ted: Thank you.
Lily: I should go help Robin.
Robin: Hey.
Lily: Hey. So, are you going to be okay hanging out with Victoria tonight?
Robin: Oh, sure. She's great. Oh, what? Because of the whole thing where I said I liked Ted? No. Victoria's great. She's
fun, she's free-spirited, she's great. I said, "She's great" too many times, didn't I?
Lily: You must really hate the bitch.
The appartment
Marshall: But if you roll an even number while adjacent to the Peppermint Forest, then you "Marshall out," and all
your chips go into the pot, and remember, if you ever ask the question "What?", then... you got to drink. Got it?
All: No
Marshall: Okay, okay, no, no, we'll just start, you guys'll pick it up. Newbie goes first. Roll.
Victoria: Okay.
Marshall: Three! You got Autobiography. Now, that's where you have to answer a personal question about your
dating life truthfully in order to move on.
Ted: Marshall, come on.
Marshall: Hey, she's the one who rolled a three. Victoria, "Have you ever cheated while in a relationship?" Wow, good
question.
Ted: You don't have to answer that.
Victoria: It's okay. Um, well, I was in a really crappy relationship in college, and I wound up kissing this guy at a party
one night, and I felt terrible about it, so, I came clean, and we broke up.
Marshall: Victoria, that was an honest and mature answer. You may advance to The Gumdrop Mountains.
Barney: So Victoria, did you ever re-return to this guy?

Victoria: What?
Marshall: You said what, you got to drink!
Lily: Oh, Barney, by the way, I went to a party in that new building on 82nd, and the host said she knew you. What is
her name? Sharon? Shannon?
Barney: Shannon?! Shannon, Shannon... No, don't remember any Shannon.
Lily: Really? Well, 'cause she gave me a videotape to give...
Barney: Where's the tape?
Lily: Fine. I'll go get it.
Barney: Cool, okay. You know, whenever.
Marshall: Okay, Robin, your roll. Five! Another Autobiography... for the player to your left, which... Victoria!
Ted: Of course.
Marshall: Victoria, "How many boyfriends did you have before you started dating Ted?"
Ted: Wait, the card actually says "Ted?"
Victoria: Okay, uh, well, boyfriends--I guess I've only had... two.
Robin: Prude alert.
Victoria: Well... that's serious boyfriends. I've dated other guys in between.
Robin: Oh, slut alert!
Barney: Oh, great, there it is. Thanks, Lily. You're a peach. Oh, wow, look at that. Robin landed on the Chocolate
Swamp. That's five chips for me.
Marshall: Thank you! Finally somebody understands Marsh-gammon.
Lily: Barney, what was on that tape?
Barney: Too bad you'll never find out.
Lily: Oh, damn it! If only I'd given you a fake tape and hidden the real tape in my purse. Oh, wait. That's exactly what I
did.
Barney: What?!
Marshall: Drink!
Lily: Yeah, you were acting so weird about it, I gave you Ted's graduation tape instead. So, should we pop it in?
Barney: Give it to me, give it, give me...
Ted: Play the tape, play it, play it!
Barney: Ted! Fine, fine. You cannot play it. Shannon! I love you! I love you so much. What about us changing the
world together? Don't tell me you've forgotten. I know I haven't. Will I ever see another rainbow? Will an eagle ever
soar through this tempest of woe? Baby, please Don't go There's a thief in the palace, she's stolen all my love There's
a thief in the palace and she's...
(Barney stands up and leave the appartment)
The Bar
Marshall: Did you try his cell phone?
Ted: Yeah, I left two messages. I checked the cigar club, the Lusty Leopard. He's off the grid.
(Barney arrives)
Barney: Hey, guys, what up?
Robin: Barney, where have you been?
Ted: Yeah, we're-we're really sorry about that.
Lily: Yeah, so sorry. But seriously, what was up with the tape? No, no, stay.
All: Come on. Stay!
Barney: I'm sorry. I don't want to talk about it. It was the most embarrassing, and humiliating thing that ever
happened to me.
Marshall: Well, we all have embarrassing stories. Sometimes it's good to-to talk about it.
Barney: Oh, really? Then why don't you tell us your most humiliating moment, Marshall? Show me how good it is.
Marshall: All right.
[FLASHBACK]
Marshall: I was stopping by Lily's kindergarten class to say hi, but they were all at recess. I really had to pee, so I went
into the class's restroom. It was a-a smaller target than I'm used to, so I figured I should sit down. What I didn't
realize was, it was a shared bathroom. I wish I'd pulled up my pants.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: The kids still call him Funny Butt.
Barney: Okay. I'll tell you my story. Believe it or not, I was not always as awesome as I am today.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: It was 1998. I was just out of college, and I was working at a coffeehouse with my girlfriend. My girlfriend...
*Shannon. Yeah, you were meant for me And I was meant for you. Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh.* Thank you. All right.
Shannon: I love your singing, Barney.
Barney: And I love you, Shannon.
Shannon: Joining the Peace Corps with you is gonna be legendary.
Barney: I know. Only five short weeks till we're down in Nicaragua.
Man: Hey, nonfat latte to go.
Barney: Mellow order, bro, mellow order.
Man: Dude, that your g-friend? All right, high five!
Barney: Sorry, I only give high twos.
Man: Whatevs. As long as you're nailing that.
Barney: Listen to you. That? You know, women aren't objects. They're human beings. And FYI, Shannon and I have
decided to wait till we're married. You can read about it in my zine.
Man: Hey, haircut, right here. Open up your knowledge basket, 'cause here it comes. Forget that touchy-feely crap.
You get money, you get laid. End of discussion.
Barney: I feel sorry for you, man.
Man: Peace out, hombre.
Barney: Suits. Five weeks later, we were all set to leave for the Peace Corps. Only problem was... she never showed
up.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: She never showed?
Ted: So, what happened next?

Barney: You know what? This was a mistake.
Lily: Wait... What if somebody else told their most humiliating story?
Marshall: Oh, I know just how to decide who.
Lily: You brought the game to the bar?
Marshall: Well, we're not quitting just 'cause Ted's so far ahead.
Ted: I was winning?
Robin: Fine. I'll go next.
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: I was doing a report on live TV about a hansom cab driver.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Not the slipping-in-horse-poop story!
Ted: Yeah, we all know that one.
Victoria: Okay, how about this? I will tell you my most humiliating story.
Marshall: Yeah, Victoria, way to step up!
Victoria: Okay, it involves a game of truth or dare, a squeeze-bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot
tub at my grandparents' retirement community.
Ted from 2030: Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way in hell I'm telling you this one. Don't
worry, though, it wasn't that great.
Marshall: That is the greatest story ever!
Lily: Oh my God!
Ted: Wow, wow!
Barney: Victoria, I deem your offering... worthy. My saga... continues.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: I went back to the coffeehouse to find Shannon.
Shannon: Barney.
Barney: Sugar Bear, where were you?
Shannon: Oh, I'm sorry. My dad won't let me go.
Barney: But the Nicaraguans need us!
Shannon: It's just, he's still supporting me, and... Look, he's coming by soon to talk about it, but I think you should go
on without me.
Barney: Shannon, there is no...
Shannon: Barney, it's your dream. It's only two years. I know we can make it.
Barney: As I walked away, I realized Shannon was an adult. Her father couldn't control her life. I had to go back and
confront him. She was in the middle of a heated argument with her dad.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
What?!
Marshall: Now we all got to drink.
(They all drink, except Barney)
Ted: Oh, my God. What happened next?
Barney: I don't know, guys.
Lily: Okay, okay. Marshall's mom sent us cookies...
Marshall: Lily, no!
Lily: For the team, Marshall, for the team.
[FLASHBACK]
(Lily's on the phone)
Lily: Hey, Mrs. Eriksen, it's Lily. Thank you so much for the delicious cookies. Mayonnaise. Really? Never would have
guessed. Well, I will definitely give Marshall a kiss for you. Okay. Take care.
Marshall: Oh, crap. My mom sent cookies?
Lily: Yeah. I wish we had a dog, so they wouldn't go to waste.
Marshall: So we've got the whole place to ourselves.

Lily: I'm thinking floor s*x.
Marshall: Sounds reasonable.
Lily: Ooh, floor's cold. Grab that afghan your mom made.
(Marshall's mom was stil on the phone...)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: The whole time?
Lily: The... whole... time.
Marshall: Barney, that was really embarrassing for both of us. We just earned a huge chunk of story.
Barney: Right. So where was I? Oh, yeah. Shannon was sucking face with her dad.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: How can... With your dad? I mean, I know judge not lest ye be judged, but gross!
Shannon: Barney, that's not my dad. His name's Greg. I've been seeing him for a few weeks. I was hoping you'd just
leave, and we could avoid all this.
Barney: We're breaking up? But what about the Peace Corps?
Shannon: Yeah, all this granola business, it was just a phase. Greg's older. He's successful. He buys me all this cool
stuff.
Barney: But I love you.
Shannon: But he has a boat. You should go to the Peace Corps and forget about me.
Barney: I didn't go. That night, I recorded my video and mailed it to Shannon. I didn't see her until a week later.
There's sugar in the basket. Shannon! Shannon, you came back!
Shannon: I'm just picking up my last paycheck.
Barney: Oh. Did you... did you get my tape?
Man: Oh, she got the tape.
Barney: You? It was you?
Man: Will I ever see another rainbow Oh, man.

(Barney leaves the coffee shop, crying. A man gives him a flyer on which you can read "Suit up". He grabs his hair and
cut them short. He then shaves and put on a suit)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Oh, you poor thing.
Barney: The story's not over. I did see Shannon one more time.
Robin: When?
Marshall: Sorry.
Lily: You've got to tell us.
Barney: I don't know, I think I might need one last story to get me through it.
Ted: Fine. Um... oh! The green testicle story. So I was playing ultimate frisbee in college and there was this barefoot
dude with weirdly sharp toenails...
Barney: Oh, come on, Ted! You know what story I want to hear. Everyone else here has manned up tonight and told
the truth. Why can't you?
Ted: You're right. Victoria, I'm sorry I haven't told you this yet, but a while back, I was kind of into Robin. In fact, on
our first date, I might have said, "I love you." Understandably, she freaked out and I left. But unfortunately, the night
did not end there.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: We all ended up at the bar with our cab driver Ranjit.
Ranjit: To one hell of a night!
Ted: And I drank... a lot. So you guys think I should have kissed her? Well, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna go kiss her
right... now.
Barney: Yes! Do it!
Ranjit: To the cab.
(Ted arrives in front of Robin's door, he throws up on her doormat)
Robin: Hello? Is someone out there?
( Ted, Barney et Ranjit run out. Robin opens her door, et sees her doormat...)
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: You ralphed and ran?
Marshall: I thought you were vomit-free since '93. So that was a lie?
Robin: You re-returned for me. That's really sweet. Though you kind of ruined my customized Scherbotsky doormat.
Ted: Sorry.
Robin: It's okay.
Ted: Victoria, I know this must be...
Victoria: Yeah. It kind of is.
Barney: Wow, Ted, you were right. You shouldn't have told that story. But you did earn yourself the right to the end of
mine. We fast-forward eight years into the future.
Marshall: Wait, eight years, that's, that's this year.
Barney: Marshall, not only is it this year, it's tonight.
[FLASHBACK]
Barney: Hi.
Shannon: Barney?
Barney: Hi, Shannon.
Shannon: What are you doing here?
Barney: Just listen. When you left me for that guy Greg, it changed me. Now I'm this. I-I know this is crazy. It's just,
you were once such a big part of my life. And it just seemed insane that you didn't know who I am now. So here I am.
And then she told me about her life.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: She and Greg dated for a while and then split up. But here's the real kicker: Shannon's a mom. She has a little
kid named Max. That's crazy. That could have been my kid. But instead, what do I have? My whole life's some money
in the bank, some suits in my closet and a string of one-night stands.
Lily: Hey. Come on. I mean, just because her life went one way and yours went another, it doesn't make your life any
worse.
Barney: My life rocks! Money, suits and s*x. These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in some tiny apartment
changing some brat's poopy diapers. But instead, I'm out in the world being awesome 24-7, 365! You let me dodge a
bullet, Big Guy. Plus, here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is
my life. After Shannon and I talked, I nailed her.
Lily: Nope.
Barney: Yeah.
Lily: Nope.
Barney: Yeah.
Lily: Sorry. Don't buy it. You're making it up. You're just trying to cover the fact that you actually had a profound
moment of doubt about yourself and... Oh, my God.
Shannon: Oh, Barney!
Barney: Video's pretty good on this phone, huh?
Shannon: Is your phone on?
Barney: Oh, no. It just takes a while to power down.
Lily: Ew, gross. Just stop it.
Barney: Ladies, gentlemen... Ted. This has been a wonderful evening. I got great dirt on all you guys. I got Ted to tell
the re-return. I finally nailed Shannon! Told her I'd call her tomorrow. Yeah, right. And I rediscovered just how
awesomely awesome my life is. Peace out, hombres!
(Barney leaves the bar)
Marshall: I think Barney just won game night.
Ted from 2030: We spend so much effort trying to keep parts of our lives hidden even from our closest friends. But
those rare times when we do open up, it's amazing how minor those secrets all end up seeming. Of course, not every
secret was told that night. But that's getting ahead of the story.
[END]
16 - Cupcake
Ted's kitchen
Ted from 2030: Kids, when it comes to love, the best relationships are the ones that just come naturally.
Ted: My first solo batch.
Victoria: Um, I think those need to stay in the oven a while longer. Here's a professional tip. If it's still runny, it's not a
cupcake. It's a beverage.
Ted from 2030: Yeah, well, things with Victoria were fun, and easy, and uncomplicated. It was pretty great.
(Barney arrives, while Marshall is coloring his butt)
Barney: Um, are you coloring in your butt?
Marshall: I have a big interview coming up, and my suit has holes in it. I can't sew, I don't own Navy boxers, so, yeah,
I'm coloring in my butt.
Barney: So wear another one.
Marshall: I don't have another one. I'm flat broke. My only other suit options are track or birthday.
Barney: Dude, you show up to an interview in that, even the hippie lawyers from Granola Mountain Earth Pals will
hackey sack you straight out the door.
Marshall: Okay, it's the National Resource Defense Council, and it's my dream job. Except it's only an internship, and I
won't be getting paid. Mostly getting people coffee. But the people I'm getting coffee for... their bosses are going to
save the world.
Barney: Okay, tomorrow... oh, and I should mention this is going to rock your world-- tomorrow I'm taking you to my
personal tailor.
Marshall: A tailor? Barney, I make negative $300 a week, and I need every negative penny of that for my wedding.
Barney: Relax, my guy does everything for one third the cost. And there is no way you're getting married in that
sarcastic-quotation-marks "suit." Tomorrow, noon, my tailor.
Marshall: No thanks, dude. (Barney grabs Marshall's pants and tears them apart) Noon?
Barney: Noon. See you then.

The Bar
Victoria: Hey, girls.
Robin and Lily: Hey.
Victoria: Hey. I'm on my way to meet Ted. It's our two monthiversary, so we're going out to dinner.
Robin: Great! Well, that answers all the questions I didn't ask.
Lily: Robin!
Robin: Oh, come on. We bust on each other. We're just at that place in our strong friendship.
Victoria: Really? Oh.
Robin: Get off me. Oh, see? I did it again.
Victoria: What are you guys up to? Oh, dress shopping. You know, I make wedding cakes for a lot of fancy bridal
shops. If you want, I could take you shopping, maybe get you a discount.
Lily: Really? That'd be great.
Victoria: Yeah. Huh. I should take this. Hello.
Robin: Hey, I thought it was going to be just us tomorrow. What's with inviting Punky Brewster?
Lily: Robin, you've got to get over this Ted and Victoria thing. You had your chance, and now he's moved on. Can't you
just be happy for them?
Robin: The best I can give you is a fake smile and dead eyes.
Lily: Sold. Victoria, what's wrong?
Victoria: I've just been offered a fellowship at a culinary institute in Germany.
The Bar
Ted: Wait. Germany, Europe?
Victoria: It's for two years. I figured I didn't have much of a chance, 'cause they don't let many Americans in, but... I'm
in.
Ted: So, this is the Europe Germany?
Victoria: What other Germany would it be?

Ted: The one in Epcot?
Victoria: Ted.
Ted: Sorry. Congratulations.
Victoria: Thank you. I don't know if I'm going to go.
Ted: Mm-hmm. And if you do, what does that mean for us?
Victoria: I don't know. I just... I don't think that long distance really works for anyone.
Ted: Oh, God, no. Long-distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.
Victoria: So, that leaves us with...
Ted: Either you stay here, or we break up. Wow. Um, look, let's just see how things progress, and if by September, we
still feel...
Victoria: I have to leave on Monday.
Ted: Monday, September the...?
Victoria: Ted. Do you have any thoughts?
Ted: Maybe we should each take some time to think about what we want. We'll meet up tomorrow to discuss it.
Victoria: It's a date.
Ted from 2030: And that's when things got complicated.
Marshall is At Barney's tailor / Lily is shopping for her wedding dress with Victoria and Robin
Marshall: Hey, baby, how's the dress place?
Lily: Everything's so fluffy and white. It's like shopping in a marshmallow. How's Barney's tailor?
Marshall: Um, everything here is dark and sketchy and seems illegal. It's like shopping in Barney's mind.
Lily: Well, good luck, baby.
Marshall: Bye. Hey, Barney, I'm not sure about this. A tailor in the back room of a pet store?
Barney: Look, do you want a quality suit and a free rabbit or not? Ted, Sergei says stop moping around. You're
distracting him from his process.
Marshall: You speak Ukrainian?

Ted: Guys, I'm kind of screwed here. I don't want to lose Victoria, but I can't ask her to stay just for me. And long
distance definitely isn't an option.
Marshall: No. No, no, no. No way. You know who likes long distance? Girls. It's all talking and no s*x. Kill me now.
Barney: Don't knock long-distance relationships. I really think they can work.
Ted: Really? You?
Barney: Absolutely. I'm juggling four right now. There's Lisa in Madrid, there's Erica in Tokyo, there's Laura in
Denmark, and Kelly on 34th Street. The lass thinks I'm a humble sheep shearer from Killarney.
Marshall: Ted, do you remember in college when Lily did that summer art program in Paris?
Ted: Yeah.
Marshall: Well, she kept talking about this cheesy French guy, Gabriel. So, I went out to visit, and there was this party.
And who shows up but Gabriel. And he's got this weak-ass, thin French moustache. I'm not much of a fighter, but I
knew I could take this weird little dude. So, I took him aside, and I got all creepy quiet, I got the crazy eyes going, and
I said, "You stay away from Lily, or I swear to God I'll eat that moustache right off of your ugly French face." Yeah.
Yeah, he literally ran away. I think he was crying. I never told Lily about it. To be honest, I'm not very proud of it. To be
even more honest, I am.
Ted: Um, other than confirming a lot of European stereotypes about Americans, did that little story have a point?
Marshall: Yeah, the point is that even though Lily is my soul mate, long distance still almost killed us. If you think that
there's any chance that Victoria is your soul mate, you should ask her to stay.
Ted: Well, I don't know if she is. It's still so early, but yeah, she could be.
Marshall: Oh, please. You barely know this girl. What's her favorite color? Is she a cat person or a dog person? Is she
open to a three-way? Ted, I do more research than this before buying a cell phone. FYI, yes, I have three-way calling.
Ted: Look, she can't be a cat person. I'm a dog person, I'm attracted to other dog people.
Barney: Are you sure?
Ted: All right. (He calls Victoria)
Victoria: Hello.
Ted: Hey, random question. How do you feel about cats?
Victoria: Cats. Hated the musical, love the animal.
Ted: Good to know. Um, okay. Good-bye. (He hungs up) She's a cat person. I don't know this girl at all.
Barney: Oh, excellent. We'll take this one.

Marshall: Whoa. Hey, hey, it's my suit. Shouldn't I be the one to choose?
Barney: Here. Play with this pin cushion.
Marshall: God. I'm going to look hot.
Barney: Marshall, I can't let you waste a suit this nice fighting a losing battle for our planet's survival. This is a suit for
winners. I am getting you an interview at my office. We need good men like you in our legal department. We get sued
a lot.
Marshall: No way. The Kid does not sell out.
Barney: Oh, come on, dude! Three months working with me, you'll make more than Lily makes in a year.
Marshall: No. I've made my decision.
Ted: So have I. If I ask this girl to give up her dreams for me, and two weeks later, it's not working out, I'm, like, the
biggest jerk of all time. It's just too much pressure on a new relationship. I'm going to tell her to go.
In a restaurant
Ted from 2030: And so I met her that night to tell her my decision.
Victoria: All right, I've been thinking a lot about this... Okay, wait, before you say anything, I wanted to give you this.
This is what happens when you, you know, let them finish baking.
Ted: I want you to stay.
At the Tailor / At the wedding shop
Marshall: Everything here is dark and sketchy and seems illegal. It's like shopping in Barney's mind.
Lily: Oh, good luck, baby.
Marshall: Bye.
Woman: Now, what sort of dress did you have in mind, dear?
Lily: Nothing too huge or-or poofy. I'm not really a girlie girl. But I would like to look like a beautiful princess.
Robin: I saw a couple up front that were nice.
By the window? No offense, dear, but those are a little out of your price range.
Lily: Where does she get off? She doesn't know how much money I make.
Victoria: Oh, these women are experts. They can guess your net annual income just by looking at your underwear.
Lily: Damn you Old Navy and your reasonably-priced three-packs!
Victoria: At least we get free champagne!
Robin: And cake.
Victoria: Mm-hmm.
Robin: Speaking of which, Victoria, have you decided what to do about your doughnut fellowship?
Victoria: You know, I don't know. I mean, I want to go, but I don't want to lose Ted. I even thought about long
distance, as if that ever works.
Lily: Ugh. All talking and no s*x. Kill me now.
Victoria: I know it sounds lame, but I actually think that Ted might be The One. That's pretty hard to walk away from.
Robin: Well, I don't know. I'd feel a little Stepford turning down a huge opportunity to chase some guy I'd only known
two months.
Victoria: But this isn't just some guy. This is Ted. He's amazing. He's the best guy I know.
Robin: Yeah, in America, but German guys? Whew! I would let them bread my schnitzel any day, if you know what I
mean.
Victoria: I really don't...
Robin: s*x. Oh, excuse me, ma'am. This b*st*rd's kicked.
Woman: Thanks.
Victoria and Robin: Oh!
Lily: It's okay, guys, I hate it.
Victoria: Just horrible.
Robin: It's bad, it's really bad. Short in front, long in the back? That is the mullet of wedding dresses.
Lily: You know, Victoria, Marshall and I did long distance once. In college, I did an art course in Paris. I was the only
American there. It was really lonely. I only had one friend, Gabrielle. She was kind of homely and strange-looking, and
she was really self-conscious about this little moustache she had. Anyway, halfway through the semester, she just
stopped talking to me, and I never figured out why. And then I had nobody. The only thing that got me through was
knowing that my soul mate was back at home waiting for me. If Ted's your soul mate, then it may be worth it to hang
onto him.
Victoria: But how am I supposed to know if we're soul mates? It's too soon. Ooh. Speak of the devil. Hello.
Ted: Hey, random question: how do you feel cats?
Victoria: Cats. Hated the musical, love the animal.
Robin: A cat person. Why am I not surprised?
Victoria: Bye. Why does Ted want to know if I like cats?
Lily: Maybe he's going to buy you one.
Victoria: I did hear barking in the background. Maybe he was in a pet store. Does he want us to get a cat together?
Robin: Maybe he's using an adorable kitty to guilt you into staying.
Victoria: That is low. Do you really think that's what he's doing?
Robin: Oh, I wouldn't even wait to find out. I would be on the next plane to Germany.
Victoria and Robin: Aw.
Lily: Oh, God, you guys are sucky liars.
Robin: Ugly, ugly, ugly.
Victoria: I don't know what to say. You know what? We're doing this all wrong. I am going to get you one of those
front window dresses, just for fun.
Lily: Are you okay?
Robin: I'm fine.
Lily: Okay. Just kind of seemed like you're trying to hustle Victoria out of the country.
Robin: I'm not, I'm just trying to support her. She got a super-important dessert scholarship.
Lily: Stop being sarcastic. It is a super-important dessert scholarship. Wow, that's hard to say without sounding
sarcastic. Look... I know you're not Victoria's biggest fan, but she seems to make Ted happy. So think about that
before you use your miles to buy her a plane ticket.
Victoria: Somebody say "beautiful princess."
Lily: Oh, my gosh, it's perfect! Oh! This dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.
Victoria: Oh, look how happy she is. You know, I've always thought of myself as one of those independent women
who would never let any guy mess with my career. And now I'm actually thinking about it. I feel guilty, like it's un-
feminist or something.
Robin: I know what you mean.

Victoria: You do?
Lily: Well, I'm always putting my career ahead of my relationships, and... to be honest, there's a lot of lonely nights in
that job description.
Victoria: See, that's what I'm afraid of.
Robin: Choosing Ted over your career doesn't make you un-feminist. Maybe it just means that you guys would be
happy together.
Victoria: Robin... I think that you are the coolest. I'm so glad that we're friends.
Robin: Oh, no way... you're the coolest.
Victoria: No, you are.
Robin: Okay, I am.
Victoria: I'm going to stay.
Victoria and Robin: Aw.
Lily: Oh, I am so beautiful! Oh, don't tell me how much it costs. Just snap my neck now, so I can die this pretty.
Robin: Wow, you look incredible.
Lily: Oh. Okay, okay, how much is it, on a scale of never to never ever?
Robin: Never ever, ever, ever, ever... times infinity.
Lily: Well, it's okay. You know, what makes a bride beautiful is that she's just happy to be getting married. (She sits on
the cake, without noticing it) Oh, guys, I know I look amazing, but the important thing is that Marshall and I love each
other, right?
Robin: Yes, you're right. But also... you just sat down in the cake.
Victoria: But, you know what? It's going to come out because it's only... chocolate and raspberry.
Robin: Okay. Come on, get up, let us see how bad it is.
(Lily stands up and tears the dress apart, the woman arrives at the same time)
Lily: It was like this when I found it?
Woman: And how will you be paying for this?
Lily: Credit card... s.

In a restaurant
Victoria: I wanted to give you... this. This is what happens when you... you know, let them finish baking.
Ted: I want you to stay.
Victoria: I have to go to Germany.
Ted: You're going?
Victoria: Yes. I have to.
Ted: So that's what you decided?
Victoria: Well, no... I mean, I actually came here tonight leaning toward staying, but when you just told me to stay, it
made me realize that I have to go.
Ted: What is this, opposite day or something?
Victoria: No.
Ted: So it is?
Victoria: Ted, we've only been dating for two months. I can't let you make this decision for me.
Ted: I was totally going to tell you to go, but then you gave me this cupcake, and it reminded me how great you are.
Victoria: Well, is there any chance that you would move to Germany with me?
Ted: Well, that's just crazy.
Victoria: Oh, okay. So it's fine for me to make sacrifices for you, but for you it's crazy.
Ted: But you have a job here and a life; I'd have nothing there.
Victoria: You'd have me.
Ted: We've only been dating two months. Oh, it's not fair. It's not fair that we have to break up. I hate this.
Victoria: So... we're breaking up?
Ted: I guess so. I guess so.
At the appartment
Marshall: God, that sucks, man. I'm so sorry.

Ted: It was just too much pressure too soon. I mean, maybe it was silly to even think... Yes, Marshall, I see your new
suit, and it's awesome.
Marshall: Well, thank you for acknowledging it. It was weird that you hadn't. Look, I understand that you guys had to
break up eventually, but why today?
Ted: She's leaving tomorrow.
Marshall: Yeah, but she's still in town.
Ted: Yeah, she... she's still in town.
Marshall: Yeah, so you spend one more amazing day together. Ted, think about it this way: if you knew that you were
going to lose your leg tomorrow, would you sit on the couch and cry about it, or would you run, and jump, and do
some awesome air kicks while you still could?
Ted: Awesome air kicks, huh?
Marshall: New pajama bottoms?
Ted: You know it.
The Bar
Ted: So we can sit around and cry, or we can run, and do awesome air kicks before our leg gets chopped off.
Victoria: Wait, so we're sharing the leg?
Ted: No, the leg is a metaphor.
Victoria: How could the leg be well enough to do awesome air kicks one day, and yet still so sick it needs to be
chopped off the next? I don't know, Ted.
Ted: Come on, we've had a good run. Why end on a fight?
Victoria: Well, what would you want to do?
Ted: Let's do all the stuff we talked about doing and never got around to.
Victoria: Like go to the Mets.
Ted: Yeah, we'll walk across the Brooklyn Bridge.
Victoria: See some monkeys at the zoo?
Ted: Go to that French-Vietnamese place we keep passing and say we want to try?
Victoria: Wow! We better get going.

Ted: Yeah, big day.
Victoria: Yeah.
Ted from 2030: And, kids, that's exactly what we did with our last day. The museum, the bridge, the restaurant, and
all of those nice things.
The Bar
Robin: Lily, you have to tell him. That dress cost a fortune.
Lily: No, I'm just gonna wait for the next time Marshall really screws up, and then, I'll just slip this in, and it won't
seem so bad by comparison.
Robin: Well, here's hoping he cheats on you.
Lily: Yeah, but only, like, second base.
Barney: Look at us: two guys in suits. You feel that slight tingle? That's every girl in the bar wanting you, and every
guy wanting to be you. Actually, it's mostly me, but you're getting some of the splash.
Marshall: Hey, babe. Dollar beer night, so I splurged and got us each our own.
Barney: So, have you thought more about coming to work for Barney Corp?
Marshall: Oh, please... your company is not called Barney Corp.
Barney: Yet. Oh, I almost forgot. Sergei sent me your bill.
Marshall: B... Barney, this says $4,000. I thought you said that it was one-third price.
Barney: Yeah, must be a $12,000 suit. Oh, well, guess you'll have to come work at my company.
Marshall: You set this up! You set this whole thing up!
Barney: I most certainly did...
Marshall: Well, it won't work. Even if I have to get two extra night jobs, I'll pay your precious tailor. I'm not selling my
soul. Baby, I know that this will make things harder, but I will make it work, I promise.
Lily: I destroyed an $8,000 wedding dress.
Marshall: What time is the interview?
Barney: 9:00 a.m., and you'll need new shoes. Don't worry, I know a guy.
At the airport
Victoria: I'm glad we got to spent the day doing awesome air kicks.
Ted: Yeah, I was almost too tired for all the s*x.
Victoria: I'm going to miss you so much.
Ted: I'm going to miss you, too.
Victoria: Hey, you know, I mean, if, when I get back, we're still single, we can...
Ted: Even if we're not.
Victoria: Okay.
Ted: Look, I know it never works for anyone, but... do you want to try long distance?
Victoria: Yes. Yes!
Ted: We can beat the odds.
Victoria: Odds, schmodds.
Ted: It's gonna work. We're going to make it work-- it'll work.
Ted from 2030: It didn't work. Long-distance was and is a terrible idea, a really terrible idea, just awful. But more on
that later.
[END]
17 - Life Among the Gorillas
(In 1988, a little boy is reading a book)
Ted from 2030: When your Uncle Marshall was ten years old, he read a book called Life Among the Gorillas. It was
written by an anthropologist named Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez, it told the story of the year she spent living among
the Western Lowland Gorillas of Cameroon. When Dr. Birnholz-Vazquez came to the local community college to give
a lecture, Marshall, the youngest member of the audience, raised his hand with a question.
Marshall: What advice do you have for a budding anthropologist?
Dr. Birnholz: So you want to be an anthropologist?
Marshall: Yep. When I grow up, I want to go live with the gorillas, just like you did.
Ted from 2030: What she said next changed his life.
Dr. Birnholz: Oh, that's wonderful, but I'm afraid you can't. They'll all be dead by then...
[in 2006]
Marshall:...and if economic sanctions and trade restrictions aren't enforced, the destruction of the rainforests will
continue and over a million species will be wiped out.
Ted: So you don't want coffee.
Marshall: I'm saying that the coffee industry is causing irreversible...
Ted: All right. I'm pouring it out.
Marshall: Okay, one cup. The kid needs to be alert. First day on the job and everything.
Ted: I still can't believe you're going all corporate on us. "The kid" has become "the man."
Marshall: Okay, it's just an internship to make a little money. After law school, I'm going to work for the NRDC.
They're gonna stop global warming.
Ted from 2030: Well... I mean... they did their best.
Lily: Here's your sack lunch.
Marshall: Okay, I love you because, one, you made me a sack lunch and two, you laugh every time you say the word
"sack".
Lily: I love you, Marshmallow.
Marshall: I love you.
Ted: I love you too, Marshmallow.
Marshall: Uh-oh. Ted?
Ted: Oh, no. No, she didn't.
Marshall: Yeah. Yeah, she did.
Ted: Another care package?
Ted from 2030: Another care package. I'd been in a long-distance relationship with Victoria for nearly a month. Long-
distance relationships are a bad idea.
Marshall: How many is that so far?
Ted: Three.
Lily: And how many have you sent her?
Ted: In the mail or in my mind? Zero. She's up three-zip. Oh! Cupcakes! Great. I bet they're delicious, too. Yup, they're
delicious. Damn it! I don't deserve these delicious cupcakes. God, I hate myself right now.
Marshall: God, that is so me at 15.
Ted from 2030: Marshall was going to work for a big corporation called Altrucel. Altrucel was most well-known for
making the yellow fuzzy stuff on the surface of tennis balls. I mean, this was a huge company, so they did other
things... But mostly they wanted the public to focus on the yellow fuzzy stuff. Anyway, Marshall managed to score an
internship in their legal department because he knew someone who worked there.
Barney's office
(Barney's on the phone)
Barney: Go for Barney.
Voice: Mr. Stinson, this is Willis from lobby security. Sorry to bother you, but we've had reports of a sasquatch loose
in the building.
Barney: A sasquatch?
Voice: That's right, sir, a Bigfoot. We don't want to alarm you, but he's been spotted on your floor.
Barney: Yes! Look at you. You suited in an unmistakably upward direction.

Marshall: Whoa. That is a butt-load of motivational posters.
Barney: Yeah, hell, yeah. I got 'em all: Teamwork, Courage, Awesomeness...
Marshall: There's one for awesomeness?
Barney: Yeah, I had it made. Sit.
Marshall: Hey, so, now that I'm working here, are you finally going to tell me exactly what your job is?
Barney: Please.
Man #1: My dawg!
Man #2: My dawg!
Barney: Hey, Blauman, Bilson, this is Marshall. These guys are in legal. You're gonna be working with them.
Marshall: Marshall Eriksen. Nice to meet you.
Bilson: Nice tie. Steak sauce.
Blauman: Oh, steak sauce! For true, though.
Marshall: Where, I don't, I don't see...
Barney: Marshall? Sidebar. Your tie is steak sauce. It means A-1. A-1? Get it? Try to keep up.
Bilson: Okay, Eriksen, let's get to work. It's 2:00 a.m. It's raining outside. Ding dong! What? The doorbell? Oh, hello,
Jessica Alba in a trench coat and nothing else. But wait-- knock, knock. Somebody's at the back door?
Marshall: I don't have a back door.
Bilson: Oh, my gosh, Jessica Simpson? What a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one. What do you do? Go.
Marshall: Right. Well, uh... I'm engaged, so--
Bilson: Fiancee's out of town. What do you do? Go.
Marshall: We're still engaged, even if she's...
Bilson: Okay, fiancee's dead. Hit by a bus. What do you do? Go.
The Bar
Ted: Sure you don't want one?

Robin: How many of those have you eaten?
Ted: Four. Teen. No, just four. And the icing from two more. So, anyway, here's the problem.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: Hey, it's Ted. I guess you're asleep. Anyway, I got the care package, and it's just great. Here, listen... Mmm.
Mmm!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: So I'm standing there, my mouth full of this delicious relationship-winning cupcake... And... I said something
dumb.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: Oh, and, um... don't worry, yours is in the mail. I sent it a couple days ago. And it's awesome. Really, really
awesome.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Why did I say that? I think frosting makes me lie.
Robin: Oh, Teddy boy.
Ted: Yeah. So now, whatever I send her, she'll know I sent it after I talked to her. So that's the problem. You work on
that. I'm gonna eat this cupcake.
Robin: All right, here's what you do: Put together a care package of stuff from New York-- some H&H bagels, an
Empire State Building keychain... and then, top off the package with a New York Times... Ready? From three days ago.
Ted: That's brilliant. You're brilliant. You know, it's funny, not so long ago, I was coming to Marshall and Lily for advice
on how to impress you.
Robin: That is funny.
Ted from 2030: And here's why it was funny.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted from 2030: Little did I realize, a few weeks earlier, here's what Robin was saying to Lily about me.
Robin: Okay, fine, I have feelings for him.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Now it's ironic, the girl I used to like is helping me impress the girl I now like.
Robin: The irony is clear, Ted.
The appartment
Lily: Hey! How was your first day?
Marshall: I don't wanna talk about it. The guys I work with are a bunch of jerks.
Lily: What?
Marshall: They're jerks!
Lily: What makes them jerks?
Marshall: Forget it, I don't want to talk about it. Well, like today at lunch..
[FLASHBACK]
Bilson: What do you got there, Ericksen? Mommy pack your lunch?
Marshall: For your information, my fiancee did.
Blauman: Oh... Does she cut the crusts off your sandwich, too?
Marshall: No.
Blauman: What's that?
Marshall: Nothing. Give it.
Bilson: "Dear Marshmallow. Good luck today. I love you. Lilypad."
Marshall: Give it.
Bilson: P.S. If you've unfolded this note, your kiss already got out. Quick-- catch it."
Marshall: Give it back. Hey, give it. Gimme... Give it!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Oh, screw those guys! We're adorable.
Marshall: I know. God. It's like freshman year all over again. Only this time, my sweet dance moves aren't going to be
enough to win them over. Not even Old Reliable.
Lily: Sweetie... It would be cool to have some extra money, but, but, if you're unhappy, it's not worth it.
The Bar
Marshall: I quit.
Barney: What? No. We're having so much fun. You, me, working together. It's great.
Marshall: We're not even working together, Barney. I'm in the legal department and you're... Seriously, what is it that
you do?
Barney: Please.
Marshall: I'm sorry, dude, this corporate thing, it's just... it's not for me.
Barney: Oh, of course it's not for you. It's for Lily.
Marshall: What?
Barney: Marshall. Lily's a catch. But do you really think you're going to hang onto a girl that great without the
package?
Marshall: The package?
Barney: The package. The house. The car. Sending your kids to a great school. A vacation once in a while.
Marshall: Lily doesn't care about that stuff.
Barney: Well, no-- now she doesn't, but how's she going to feel in a couple years, when she's supporting you on a
kindergarten teacher's salary while you're off in court defending some... endangered... South American... flying
beaver.
Marshall: She'll be happy.
Barney: Okay. But will you be happy knowing you could have made her a lot happier.
At Marshall's work
Bilson: And all four are totally naked. You gotta choose one. What do you do? Go.
Marshall: I guess, uh... Bea Arthur.
Bilson: Ahh! Wrong! Betty White. Clean this stuff up, Eriksen.
The Bar
Robin: So, did she get the awesome care package yet?
Ted: Yep. Yesterday.

Robin: Did she love it?
Ted: Ooh, she loved it.
Robin: So what's the problem?
Ted: So I was talking to her last night. And, I should tell you, we've been talking on the phone every other night for,
like, an hour and a half. Eventually you just run out of stuff to say.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: What did you have for lunch today? Oh. Rye bread. Yeah.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: Oh, Teddy boy.
Ted: I'm usually so good at being a boyfriend, but this never-seeing-each-other thing, it's a bitch. Maybe it just can't
be do. I think it's clear what I have to do.
Robin: It's pretty clear.
Ted: I have to go to Germany and surprise her.
Robin: Totally what I was thinking. Get out of my head, man!
Barney's office
Marshall: Barney, how do I get these idiots to leave me alone?
Barney: Marshall, consider the penguins.
Marshall: The penguins?
Barney: On the wall.
Marshall: "Conformity. It's the one who's different that gets left out in the cold." This is a motivational poster?
Barney: Look at yourself, Marshall. You're not happy. And you know why? Because you're different. Now, I suppose
you could learn to love yourself for the unique little snowflake that you are, or... you could change your entire
personality, which is just so much easier.
The appartment
Lily: Change your personality? That is so awful, and not at all motivational.
Marshall: Not necessarily. Okay, at first, I was appalled, but then I realized it's just like Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vasquez in
Life Among the Gorillas. I have to gain the acceptance of the herd by behaving exactly like one of them. It's an
anthropological study. Isn't that cool?
Lily: It sounds kinda like peer pressure.
Marshall: No, no, no. It's totally anthropological and it's cool and I'm doing it.
Lily: Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's peer pressure. We have an assembly every year.
Marshall: I'm portraying someone who succumbs to peer pressure.
Lily: All right, but if those guys try to pressure you to smoke, what do you say?
Marshall: Only when I'm drunk.
Lily: Good boy.
Ted from 2030: And so, to fit in with the gorillas, Marshall had to learn to act like a gorilla, and that meant gorilla
lessons.
The Bar
Barney: Okay, I'm psyched about this. But if I'm going to mentor you, I need to know you're psyched about this, too.
Marshall: Oh, I am. I'm, I'm psyched.
Barney: Yeah, but it's one thing to say it, it's another thing to show it. Show it.
Marshall: I'm psyched!
Barney: What was that? Marshall, I should feel tremors of psychitude rock my body like a seizure. That was like a
declawed pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Marshall: Wow, that was really specific.
Barney: Show me you're psyched! Let's do this! Ow! That hurt!
Marshall: So badly.
Barney: And then you slip it to the guy with a discreet handshake and he'll get it done.
Marshall: Right. Get what done?
Barney: Whatever.
Marshall: Cool. And what guy is this?

Barney: There's always a guy.
Marshall: Okay, all right, I, uh, I think I'm ready.
Barney: You sure? You want to practice your story one more time?
Marshall: All right. So dude, check it. I'm in San Diego with two of my bro-sephs from Kappa, and they're all, "Yo,
Eriksen, let's roll to the strip clubs." So I'm, like, "Snapadoo!" So we find this choice nudie nest near the
airport......and that is when the bouncer kicked us out. Now, I have no idea if Svetlana ever got her green card, but
dudes, fake diamond ring? Worth every penny, bruh.
Blauman: Eriksen...that was steak sauce!
Bilson: Great story.
The appartment
Ted from 2030: The next moning, I was about to buy my ticket to Germany when I got an e-mail.
Ted: Uh-oh.
The Bar
Victoria's voice: "Hey, Ted, sorry I missed your call last night. This long-distance thing sucks, huh? Listen, I've been
thinking and I really need to talk to you tonight. I'll call you at 11:00. Victoria." So?
Ted: So she's going to dump me. Has anyone ever said, "Listen, I've been thinking," and then follow it up with
something good? It's not like: Listen, I've been thinking, Nutter-Butters are an underrated cookie. What else can it
be? What could she possibly have to say to me that she couldn't write in an e-mail?
Robin: I cut off all my fingers? Ted, you're a great guy. I know it, you know it, she knows it. I would bet you a gazillion
dollars-- no, I'm even more confident. I would bet you a floppity jillion dollars that she's not calling to break up with
you.
Ted: Thanks. You're right. I'm being crazy. So I should still buy that plane ticket, right?
Robin: I'd wait.
The Appartment
(Marshall is on the phone, Lily is painting)
Marshall: 'Sup, Blauman? E-bomb here. We still on for karaoke? Dope. I'm going to rock you on the mike so hard your
hears are going to bleed gravy. Catch you on the flip, butt puppet.
Lily: Okay...what do you think?
Marshall: Steak sauce.

Lily: Steak sauce?
Marshall: Yeah.
Lily: Look, you know, whatever anthropology you do at work is your business, but please don't act like that around
here.
Marshall: Lily, when Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-...
Lily: No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline came home from the gorillas, she didn't run around picking nits out of
people's hair and-and throwing feces. I'm begging you just, just leave it at the office.
Marshall: Why?
Lily: Because you're acting like one of those guys, and those guys are lame.
Marshall: Okay, those guys were mean at first, yes, but they're actually good guys, and if you got to know them, then
you would see that. Come karaoke with us tonight, and you'll see how totally not that lame they are, okay?
Lily: Okay.
At the karaoke
Blauman: But wait, knock-knock, back door, who's there? Angelina Jolie... wait, in a wheelchair. What do you do? Go.
Bilson: Dude, Scarlett Johannsen with no arms, any day of the week. Yeah.
Lily: You're right. They're delightful.
Marshall: So, Barney, you gonna sing anything?
Barney: Nah. I'm so over karaoke.
Marshall: Really? I thought you'd be totally into it.
Barney: Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm good. The best, really. But it's the greatest samurai who lets his sword rust in its
scabbard.
Lily: Oh, baby, they have our song. Let's do "Don't Go Breaking My Heart."
Bilson: What?
Marshall: "Don't Go Breaking My Heart." Elton John, Kiki Dee.
Bilson: No way. You got to go with some Black Sabbath.
Lily: Well, actually, Marshall and I have this little dance routine.
Marshall: "Iron Man." I could do "Iron Man."
Blauman: Steak sauce.
Bilson: Steak sauce, dude.
Blauman: Should we tell him? All right, Eriksen, I've got some good news. On Monday, Bilson and I are going to talk to
Montague in HR. When you graduate, we want you working with us. What do you say? Yes!
Bilson: That's my man!
Blauman: I told you he would. Aw, we're gonna own the office.
Lily: Okay, that was gross. When were you going to tell me you changed your entire career path?
Marshall: Nothing has changed, okay? I still want to help the environment. I just thought that maybe I could make
some money for a few years. We could buy an apartment, send our kids to good schools. You could quit your job and
focus on your painting. I know that you say you don't need it, but... I love you and I want to give it to you anyway. I
want to give you the package.
Lily: The package?! You've already given me the package. You've got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.
Marshall: Lily, you're the most incredible woman I know, and you deserve a big package.
Lily: Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this, Marshall Eriksen, but you've got a huge
package.
Robin's work place
(Robin is on the phone with Ted)
Robin: Hello.
Ted: Why hasn't she called yet?
Robin: Okay, you're making yourself crazy. It's Saturday night. Go out and do something.
Ted: No, what's the point of going out? I got a girlfriend... for now. Besides, if I go out, who's going to watch the
news? I'm, like, half your viewership.
Robin: I'm flattered you think we have two viewers. She's not going to break up with you, Ted. You're awesome.
Ted: Thanks. Anyway, it's almost 11:00. I should let you go. Break a leg.
Ted from 2030: And so I was sitting at home, waiting for the phone to ring, something occurred to me.
Ted: I'm actually sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring.
At the karaoke
(Ted arrives)
Barney, singing: *He's giving you the blues. You want to graduate, but not in his bed. Here's what you got to do Pick
up the phone...*
Ted: Marshall.
Marshall: Hey, hey.
Ted: Dude, I feel like I haven't seen you in a month.
Marshall: Yeah. Yeah. How you doing?
Ted: I think Victoria's about to break up with me.
Marshall: Oh, God, I'm sorry, man.
Ted: Yeah, well, honestly, I'm having trouble remembering what she looks like. The more I try to picture her, the more
I can't. Like, I remember how she makes me feel. I just... I don't completely remember her. It's like I'm trying to
preserve something that's already gone.
Marshall: Preserving something that's already gone. Sounds like environmental law.
Ted: I don't know. We struggle so hard to hold onto these things that we know are going to disappear eventually. And
that's really noble, but even if you save every rainforest from being turned into a parking lot, well, then where are
you going to park your car?
Barney, singing: *Done dirt cheap! Dirty deeds. Done dirt cheap! Dirty deeds. Done dirt cheap! Dirty deeds and
they're done dirt cheap, ow. Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap...* Uh, rockupied. Dude, what...?
(Marshall says something to Barney, who then passes him the microphone)
Next up, Marshmallow and Lillypad.
Marshall: *Don't go breakin' my heart*
Lily: *I couldn't if I tried*
Marshall: *Honey, if I get restless*
Lily: *Baby, you're not that kind...*
Ted from 2030: It turns out some things are worth preserving. But here's the real question: It's 2:00 a.m. Your friends
are still out singing karaoke, but you're home early 'cause you're expecting a call from your girlfriend in Germany,
who was supposed to call four hours ago. And then the phone rings.
Ted: Hello.
Robin: Hi, Ted. It's Robin. Um, listen, I know it's late, but, uh, do you want to come over?
Ted from 2030: What do you do? Go.
[END]
18 - Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M.
Ted from 2030: Previously on How I Met Your Mother...
Ted: She was completely amazing. She was amazing and funny and...
Lily: You have feelings for Ted.
Robin: Maybe.
The Bar
Victoria: I've just been offered a fellowhip at a culinary institute in Germany.
Ted: Do you want to try long distance?
Victoria: Yes.
Robin: "This long-distance thing sucks, huh? And I really need to talk to you tonight."
Ted: She's going to dump me!
Robin: She's not going to break up with you, Ted.
Ted: Hello?
Robin: Do you want to come over?
Ted from 2030: Kids, your grandma always used to say to me, "Nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m.," and she was
right. When 2:00 a.m. rolls around, just go home and go to sleep. Case in point:
Ted: Hello.
Robin: Hi, Ted, it's Robin. Um, listen, I know it's late, but do you want to come over?
Ted from 2030: Let's back up a little bit.
Robin: Sit. Good boys. Okay, remember, stay out of the liquor cabinet. I'll see you tonight.
In Lily's class
Robin: And so the life of a television reporter is very rewarding, and I stronly urge you to consider it as a career. Thank
you. Yeah?
Little Girl: Do you have a fiancé?
Lily: Marshall was here yesterday. They just learned the word "fiancé."
Robin: Oh, no, I don't have a fiancé.
Little Girl: Then who do you live with?
Robin: Well, actually, I've got five dogs.
Little Girl: Don't you get lonely?
Robin: No, I've got five dogs.
Little Girl: My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely.
Robin: Well, yeah, that's cats. I'm not some pathetic cat lady. Not that your grandmother is...
Robin: Does anyone else have a...? Yes?
Little Boy: Are you a lesbian?
Robin: No. Are you? Just because a woman lives alone doesn't mean she's a les...
Lily: Okay, let's have a big hand for Robin the reporter. All right, our next guest is another friend...
Barney: So, Robin, you ever report on train wrecks? 'Cause I just saw one. What up? Tiny five.
Robin: Ha-ha. Laugh now, those kids are monsters. They're going to eat you alive.
Lily: He has a job doing... What do you do?
Barney: Please. Kids, let's rap. You guys don't give half a brown Crayola what I do for a living, do you?
All: No.
Barney: No. I know what you want. Magic.
[FLASHBACK]
Robin: Hello.
Ted: Why hasn't she called yet?
Robin: Okay, you're making yourself crazy. It's Saturday night. Go out and do something.
Ted: What's the point of going out? I got a girlfriend... for now. Besides, if I go out, who's going to watch the news?
I'm, like, half your viewership.
Robin: I'm flattered you think we have two viewers.
Director: And we're clear.
Man: So, Scherbotsky, got a boyfriend?
Robin: No, and why does this keep coming up today?
Man: Oh, I just thought that guy you were on the phone with...
Robin: What? Oh, no, that was Ted. He's just a friend. I mean, there was this moment where we almost dated, but we
want completely different things. Anyway, now he has this girlfriend in Germany and he thinks she's calling to dump
him tonight, but I don't think she is. And besides, we want completely different things.
Man: We should have s*x.
Robin: What?
Man: Why not? We're both available, we're both attractive, we're both good at it. At least, I'm good at it. And even if
you're not, don't worry, I'll have a good time either way.
Robin: Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, don't get involved
with people I work with.
Man: Get involved? Who said get involved? I'm just saying we should have s*x, it could be fun.
Ted from 2030: Having s*x is fun.
Man: Home number. Call me anytime. A lot of local teens in action tonight...
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Robin: Hey, guys. Miss me? I missed you, too. Hi, Ted, it's Robin. Um, listen, I know it's late, but do you want to come
over? Ted?
Ted: Uh, yeah... Uh, hi, I'm here.
Robin: Do you want to come over?
Ted: Why? What's up?
Robin: Well, um, I just finally set up my new juicer and I was going to make some juice, and I was, like, "You know
who likes juice? Ted."
Ted: I love juice.

Robin: Great. So you want to come over and make juice?
Ted from 2030: When it's after 2:00 a.m., just go to sleep because the decisions you make after 2:00 a.m. are the
wrong decisions.
Ted: Okay, sure. I'll come over. We'll... juice.
Robin: Yes, we'll juice.
Ted: Okay.
Robin: Okay... bye.
Ted: Bye.
In a cab
Ted: This is fine. This is totally fine.
Cab driver: What's fine?
Ted: Oh, I'm, uh, going over to this girl's house to make some juice.
Cab driver: Nice.
Ted: No, it's not like that. We're juicing as friends. See, I have this girlfriend, I would never cheat on her. She lives in
Germany. See, she was supposed to call me four hours ago to have a serious talk. I still haven't heard from her. I don't
know. Sorry to bug you with my problems. Guess cab drivers are the new bartenders, huh?
Cab driver: You ain't kidding, kid. Want a nip?
Ted: You can just let me out right up here.
In another cab
Cab driver: Where you going to, buddy?
Ted: Park Slope, Eighth and Eighth. Okay, here's where I left off with the last guy. See, I have a girlfriend, but I'm going
over to this other girl's house...
Victoria: And you're wondering if I'd be upset. Hi, Ted. Remember me, your girlfriend?
Ted: Okay, relax, Robin's just a friend.
Victoria: Right. You're going to go make some juice.
Ted: Yes, yes! Juice is perfectly harmless. In fact, it's healthy.

Victoria: Oh, yeah? Then why are you wondering what she looks like naked?
Ted: I am not won... Okay, even if I am wondering that, it's only 'cause you put it in my head.
Victoria: Ah, but I'm just a manifestation of your subconscious, so actually, you put it in your own head.
Ted: Damn it! Nothing's going to happen.
Victoria: Right.
Ted: Okay, okay. You want a second opinion? Fine.
At the Karaoke
(Marshall's phone is rigging)
Marshall: Hey, did she call?
Ted: No. I need a ruling. Um, I'm... Yeah, this is stupid. It's not even a big deal, but I'm on my way over to Robin's right
now. She got a new juicer. Whatever. We're going to test it out.
Marshall: Let me call you back. Honey, there's a situation developing. Do you remember the huge secret that you told
me that you weren't supposed to but you did? The thing... about Robin?
Barney: Oh, you mean how Robin's in love with Ted?
Marshall & Lily: What?
Barney: Yeah, she told me already. Go on.
Marshall: Wait. So I'm the only one that she didn't tell? She told you and not me?
Barney: Well, I guess I'm just better friends with her than you are.
Marshall: Well, I'm better friends with Ted than you are.
Barney: That is a lie!
Marshall: It is not a lie.
Barney: Okay, that's it! You and me! I'm not afraid of you!
Marshall: I'll show you things you never seen before! I used to box in the Army!
In the cab
Ted: Come on, pick up. Damn it, Victoria, where are you? Pick up, pick up!
Victoria: Cupcake?
Ted: No, thanks. Where are you? Why haven't you called?
Victoria: Oh, I'm out hooking up... with three other guys. Or maybe I'm a devoted girlfriend and I'm calling you right
now.
Ted: Yeah. Why do I doubt that? Hello.
Marshall: Ted, I just saw the news and a truck carrying sulphuric acid overturned right in front of Robin's house. And
it's melting through the sidewalk. You can see straight down into hell. It's bad. You should go home, dude.
Ted: Marshall, it's fine. Nothing's going to happen.
Marshall: Ted, what does your mom always say?
Ted: Nothing good ever...
Marshall: Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m. Go home! It's too late for juice.
Ted: Dude, Robin and I are just friends. She doesn't even like me that way.
Lily: Yes, she does! She likes you. She told me.
Ted: What?
Lily: It's a big secret, so don't tell her I told you, but she's very vulnerable right now and you have a girlfriend. Go
home, Ted.
Ted: She-she likes me?
Lily: Yes. So you see why it would be a very bad idea for you to go up there. Go home, Ted.
Ted: She likes me?
Lily: Go home, Ted.
Ted: Uh, you're right. I'll, uh, I'll see you at home.
Lily: Good. He's going home.
Marshall: He is so not going home. I cannot believe you just told him that.
Lily: What do you mean?
Marshall: Lily, here's what you just said: "Ted, whatever you do, don't go up there. There's a beautiful girl who wants
to have s*x with you. And then she's gonna make you some delicious juice."
Lily: No, he's not going up there. He has more sense than that.
Ted from 2030: I did have more sense than that.
Ted: Keep the change.
Cab driver: Thanks.
Ted from 2030: But after 2:00 a.m, my good sense was sound asleep.
Victoria: So you're doing this? You're going up there?
Ted: You want to get out of the way?
Victoria: I'm not in the way.
Ted: You know, if you had just called me, I...
Robin: Hi.
Ted: Hi. Um, I got some vegetables. I got carrots, I got beets.
Robin: Or we could just drink wine.
Ted: Wine... not? Well, that's the stupidest thing I've ever said.
Robin: Thanks.
Ted: Make it a big glass.
Robin: Sure.
Ted: So, how's it hanging?
Robin: Have you ever had one of those days where nothing at all that monumental happens but by the end of it you
have no idea who you are anymore or what the hell you're doing with your life? Do you ever have one of those days?
Ted: Uh, about once a week.
Robin: I don't know, it was just a, a rough day and the only person I wanted to see at the end of it was you. So... um...
how was the big phone call with your girlfriend?
Ted from 2030: When the clock strikes 2:00, just go to sleep.
Ted: We broke up.
Robin: What?
Ted: Yeah. Yeah, she finally called. We talked for a while-- how hard long distance is-- and then... she dumped me.
Robin: Oh, Ted, I'm so sorry. That's just terrible. I feel awful.
Ted: You're smiling.
Robin: Am I? No I'm not. I'm a news anchor. Smiling's a part of the job. Thousands died in a tragic avalanche today.
See? You're smiling, too.
Ted: Yeah. I have no idea what that's all about.
At the karaoke
*There's got to be a morning after...*
Marshall: How much does Korean Elvis rock? I'll answer that. Infinity. He rocks... infinity.
Lily: Okay, it's time for bed.
Barney: What? No. It's 2:30.
Lily: Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m.
Barney: You know, I have found, in my travels... that all the best things in life happen after 2:00 a.m. When I look back
at the best stories of my life-- the Liberty Bell incident, the little scrape I got in at the Russian Embassy, the almost
four-way.
Marshall: You never had a four-way.
Barney: I said "almost." All those things happened after 2:00 a.m. because after 2:00 a.m. is when things get--
audience, say it with me-- legendary.
Lily: We're going home.
Barney: What's that? Interesting theory, Barney, but I'll need some proof? Okay. Korean Elvis. How would you like to
have a drink with me and my friends?
Korean Elvis: Rock 'n' roll.
Barney: And it begins.
At Robin's
Ted: So, um... Hey. I got a new phone. Same as yours. Look.
Robin: Oh, yeah. Do you like it?

Ted: Yeah. Yeah. This is some solid small talk. I had that other phone, and it was good, but I think the whole time a
little part of me wanted this phone instead. This phone... um... feels right.
(Ted's phone starts rigging)
Robin: Wow. Weird.
Ted: Yeah. Uh, I should probably take this.
Robin: I'll be here.
(Ted goes out in the hall)
Ted: Hello?
Korean Elvis: Ted, this is your main man, K.E. I want you to shake your tail feathers down here ASAP, you dig?
Marshall: Sorry about that.
Ted: Was that Korean Elvis?
Marshall: I'll explain later. Hey, we're headed down to MacLaren's.
Ted: Um... Actually... I'm at Robin's. Yeah, and, um... I might have done something bad. I just lied and told her I broke
up with Victoria.
Marshall: Ted, I don't want to swear in front of Korean Elvis, but what the bleep are you doing, dude?
Ted: What do you expect from me? It's Robin. Victoria's great, but, it's Robin. I've made up my mind. I'm going to end
it with Victoria.
Lily: Gonna?
Ted: Yes. First thing tomorrow.
Lily: Okay, but, but, as of right now at-at... 2:45 a.m. you still have a girlfriend. Ted, I love you. I love Robin. But if you
do this right now, your entire future with her will be built on a crime. Just go home, Ted. Don't do this the wrong way.
Ted: I hate how you're always right.
Lily: It's my best and most annoying trait.
Ted: Okay. I'm coming home. I'll see you soon.
(Ted comes back to Robin's appartment)
Robin: Hey.
Ted: I should probably get going. It's pretty late. I'm sorry. I...
Robin: Oh. Oh, no. I understand. It's fine. Yeah.
Ted: Can I call you tomorrow?
Robin: Totally. Totally. Call me tomorrow.
Ted: Okay. Good night, Robin.
Robin: Good night, Ted.
They embrace each other
Robin: Oh, my God. We're making out.
Ted: Right.
Robin: This is crazy.
Ted: Right? Right?
Robin: Should we go to my room? I mean, there's five dogs in there, but...
Ted: Yeah.
Robin: Yeah?
Ted: Yeah. I just, um... I have to run to the bathroom real quick.
Robin: Okay.
(Ted goes to the bathroom while Robin waits in the living room)
Ted: Stop doing that.
Victoria: Whatcha doin'?
Ted: I'm calling you. We're breaking up. I'm doing this right now, I'm coming out of this bathroom a single man.
Victoria: Okay. Say, Ted... how long do you think that conversation's going to be? Length of an average pee? No. We're
gonna be on the phone for at least 20 minutes. Robin's out there. She's gonna think you're in here taking a massive...
Ted: What do you want from me? People break up. It happens.
Victoria: Not like this. Not from the bathroom of the girl that you're about to sleep with.
Ted: It's not ideal.
The Bar
Ted from 2030: Meanwhile, back at the bar, Barney was still trying to prove that good things can happen after 2:00
a.m.
Barney: Come on, Lily. How many women can say they've been personally serenaded by Korean Elvis?
Lily: I think he just spat on me.
Marshall: Barney, you tried, I think that's great, but we're going.
Barney: No! No, come on.
Marshall: Yes!
Barney: Dude, we haen't hit legendary yet. We're only at the "le". We still got the "gen." The "da." The "ry."
Lily: Okay, if we're at the "le," then I say we follow it up with a "t's go home."
Marshall: Oh, wow, you just got burned, phonics style.
Korean Elvis: No, no, no, no, no. Baby, baby, baby, don't go. Just one dance, huh?
Lily: Okay, seriously.
Korean Elvis: Hey, I know what you like.
Ted from 2030: And so, Barney was right-- the night was legendary. It would come to be known as The Time Lily
Kicked Korean Elvis in the Nards.
Marshall: Hey, you guys remember the time that Lily kicked Korean Elvis in the Nards?
At Robin's
Ted: You're right. I owe you a real breakup call. I'll call you tomorrow.
Victoria: Good. So you're gonna go home?
Ted: Why should I have to go home? You know, there's every chance Robin's the woman I'm going to marry.
Victoria: Ted.
Ted: It could happen. And so really, what's it gonna matter in 50 years if I jump the gun by one night? Look, I-I know
this is a moral gray area, but... It's Robin. And I'm exhausted. I am. I'm exhausted from pretending I'm not in love with
her. I think that makes this okay.
Victoria: Oh, please. You just want to get laid.
Ted: Yes, I do. You got me. That is exactly what I want right now. And so what? I want this. She wants this. It's
happening, and if you have a problem with it, don't be in Germany. It's been nice pretending to talk to you. Thanks
for not calling me and good night.
Victoria: That's not your phone.
Ted: This isn't my phone.
(He goes back to the livingroom; Robin's on the phone)
Robin: Okay. Bye. (She hungs up) I thought it was mine, so I answered it.
Ted: Was it...?
Robin: It was your girlfriend. You might want to call her back.
Ted from 2030: I called Victoria from the cab and we broke up. Yes... And there you have it, kids. The stupidest thing
I've ever done. In one night, I managed to hurt two people I cared about. And none of it would've happened if I just
listened to my mom. So I guess if there's a lesson to be learned here, it's this: when it's 2:00 a.m., just go to sleep.
[END]
19 - Mary the Paralegal
[In 2006, 3 months earlier, at the Bar]
Ted: Her favorite CD in the Otis Redding box set? Disc three. My favorite? Any guesses? Anyone? Come on. Disc
three! God, Victoria's so amazing! I could talk about her for hours.
Lily: What do you mean "could"?
Ted: I'm sorry, it's just... God, I... I'm crazy about this girl. It feels like maybe... I don't want to say it.
Barney: Trust that impulse, Ted.
Robin: Hey. Something kind of cool just happened. My story on Pickles, the Singing Dog, just got nominated for a
Local Area Media Award.
Lily: A... LAME-A?
Robin: We prefer Local Area Media Award. Um... there's going to be this big banquet. I know these things aren't
much fun, but it would really mean a lot to me if you guys came. And there's an open bar.
All: Yes! Word up!
Ted: Yeah, put me down for two.
Robin: Really? It's three months away.
Ted: I know, but... guys, I'm sorry, I'm going to say it. I have a feeling Victoria's going to be around for a long time.
[3 months later, at the Bar]
Ted: I'm going to miss Victoria. I should just skip this thing entirely. Robin's still pissed at me after... you know.
Barney: You lied and said you were broken up with Victoria before you actually were so you could try to nail Robin
and you wound up losing both girls in one night?
Ted: Yes, that's what I meant by "you know." I haven't seen her in three weeks. She won't return my calls. Look, I
shouldn't go.
Marshall: You should definitely go. Look, it's a chance to show her you're still friends and that you support her.
Barney: Or it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter. Even better, triple threat-- hotter
and bigger boobs.
Ted: That's only two.
Barney: Count again.
Ted: Barney, I'm not bringing a date. Even if I wanted to, the thing's in two hours.
Barney: So get an escort.
Ted: By "escort," you mean prostitute?
Barney: Why not?
Ted: Because... gross?
Barney: Oh, gross. What, you have some puritanical hang-up about prostitution? Dude, it's the world's oldest
profession.
Marshall: You really think that's true?
Barney: Oh, yeah. I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers, like, an extra fish for putting out.
Marshall: Aha, so then the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! You've been lawyered.
Barney: Come on, Ted, let's get you a hooker. It'll be fun.
Ted: Okay, to bring to the banquet and hang out with ironically or to actually have s*x with?
Barney: Yes.
Ted: No! It's illegal. And did I mention gross?
Barney: That's adorable. Ted, you're such a hayseed. The companionship business is the growth industry of the 21st
century. You do realize that one out of every eight adult women in America is a prostitute.
Marshall: You just made that up.
Barney: Withdrawn.
Marshall: Lawyered. The point is, how long has it been?
Ted: 57 days.
Barney: Is that your water? May I?
Ted: Yeah, go ahead.
Barney: Much obliged. 57 days?! Ted, you are in a slump.

Ted: No, it's not a slump. It's an intentional hiatus from girls. A slump is when you strike out every time you step up to
the plate. But I'm off the roster, baby. I'm in the locker room sitting in the whirlpool. And I'll tell you something, it
feels pretty good.
Barney: Yeah, you know what else is in that locker room? A naked dudes hanging brain. Ted, you need a lady. And I've
got the next best thing-- Mary. She lives in my building. She's smart, she's hot, she's totally cool.
Ted: Oh, she sounds great. And who knows? Maybe we'll wind up getting married someday. You know, if we can get a
blessing from her pimp.
Barney: You want to judge a fellow human being based solely on one external characteristic? That's racism. And I do
not drink with racists. Good day.
Ted: You're just waiting for me to speak, so you can...
Barney: I said good day!
At the appartment
Robin: So should I wear my hair up or down? Lily.
Lily: What?
Robin: You okay?
Lily: Oh, yeah, sorry. I'm just exhausted from work. The stupid school board took away nap time in all kindergarten
classes and now the kids are just going crazy by the end of the day. It's much harder to deal with because, well, I
don't get my nap.
Robin: Wait, you were taking naps when the kids were? Is that safe?
Lily: Well, they're only five. What are they gonna do to me?
Robin: Ted's still coming to this thing, right?
Lily: Yep.
Robin: Do you think, um... hypothetically... it would be weird if I bring a date?
Lily: Look at you, Scherbotsky, blatantly trying to make Ted jealous.
Robin: No, it's just this guy at the station. I never get involved with co-workers, but he asked me and I said yes. Is it
going to be weird?
Lily: No, it's not going to be weird at all. (Lily's on the phone with Marshall) Robin's bringing a date.
Marshall: Boy. That's going to be really weird.

Lily: I know.
The Bar
Marshall: Robin's bringing a date.
Ted: Oh. Okay. That's not weird. She's bringing a date. I'm glad she's moving on.
Marshall: Dude, it's going to be weird.
Ted: No, it's fine. Look, in spite of whatever happened between us, Robin and I are still friends. I don't think it'll be
weird.
Barney: Yeah, it won't be weird.
Ted: Thank you.
Barney: Because you're going to bring your own date.
Woman: Hello, Barney.
Barney: Hi, Mary. Have you met Ted?
Mary: Nice to meet you Ted.
Ted: Hi, Mary. Wow. It's, uh, nice to meet you, too.
Mary: So we're going to an award show?
Ted: Uh, yeah, will you just excuse us for one minute? Barney.
Barney: See you in two shakes, Mare. You two make yourselves comfortable.
Ted: What the hell?
Barney: Dude, your narrow-minded views on professional fornicators were harshing my mellow. So I got you a date
for the evening.
Ted: You got me a hooker. A really hot hook-- A hooker!
Barney: Think about it, this is perfect. A: it will make Robin insanely jealous... B: you get to have s*x with her... and C:
maybe by getting to know Mary, you'll come to see that courtesans are people, too. And D: "B" all night long.
Ted: I'm not taking a prostitute to Robin's banquet.
Barney: The only people who will know are you, me and Marshall. No one will suspect a thing. They'll just see you
with this unbelievably smoking hot girl and... Okay, that's a little bit suspicious. Look, I'm just trying to expand your
horizons a little bit tonight. But if you're not interested, fine, I'm out 500 bucks. Whatever.
Ted: 500 bucks?
Barney: Ted, you're my cabron. You think I'm gonna stick you with some toothless tranny from the Port Authority?
Look at how hot she is. Robin would be so jealous.
Ted: I'm not trying to make Robin jealous, Barney. Look, I... tell Mary, thanks, but no thanks. I have a soul.
Ted from 2030: And then your Uncle Marhsall and I had one of our famous telepathic conversations.
Marshall: Check out Robin's date.
Ted: I know.
Marshall: Is that who I think it is?
Ted: Yep. It's Sandy Rivers.
Ted from 2030: Sandy Rivers was the face of Metro News One, the most low-budget cable news network ever.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: Sandy time. Sandy time!
Ted from 2030: He was best known for his morning segment "In Today's Paper," during which he literally flipped
through today's papers, reading them aloud to viewers.
Sandy: Here we have, on the front page, a story about a... I guess, a guy in a superhero costume climbing the Empire
State Building. Looks interesting.
Ted from 2030: These idiotic filler pieces were a guilty pleasure of ours.
Ted: Which Sandy do we want today? French Sandy, p0rn star Sandy...?
Marshall: Yosemite Sandy, definitely.
Ted: Excellent choice. I love this guy.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: I hate this guy.
Lily: Hey.
Mary: Hi.
Lily: I'm Lily.

Mary: Hi. Mary. It's nice to meet you.
Marshall: Mary is a friend of Barney's. Barney invited her. Just met Mary ourselves. Don't know too much about
Mary. Look, a beer.
Ted: Hey.
Robin: Hi.
Ted: You look nice.
Robin: Oh, um, Ted, this is Sandy.
Sandy: Hi. Sandy Rivers. Use my full name. People get a kick out of it.
Ted: Hi, Sandy. Rivers. So are you two, uh...
Sandy: Starting a bunch of office rumors? Looks that way. Looks that way.
Ted: Oh, how rude of me. Uh, Robin, Sandy... Rivers... this is Mary, my date.
At the ceremony
Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 45th annual Local Area Media Awards. Please say hello to our host for
the evening, king of the Saturday Afternoon Kung Fu Movie, Vampire Lou!
Vampire Lou: Tonight we celebrate the very best in broadcasting and the triumph of the human spirit.
Marshall: Man, Vampire Lou just looks great.
Ted: I can't believe I'm on a date with a hooker.
Marshall: Yeah, I can't believe you let her and Lily go to the ladies' room together, man. Secrets come out in there.
Barney: Oh, please. How's it's going to come out? "Uh, pass me a towel. P.S., I have s*x for money."
Lily: Who has s*x for money?
Marshall: Nobody. What did you guys talk about in there? Anything interesting?
Lily: No, not really. We just chitchatted and I borrowed her lipstick. Why is Vampire Lou the host of a Saturday
Afternoon Kung Fu Movie? You know, it just makes no sense. God, that pisses me off.
Ted: Lily, you okay?
Lily: Oh, yeah, I'm just tired. And when I get tired, I get cranky.
Sandy: Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky.
Lily: "Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky."
Mary: Wow. Why are you so tired?
Lily: Well, I teach kindergarten and the school board took away my nap time, the kids' nap time.
Barney: Lily, quit your job. Work at a private school. You won't have to deal with the school board, and you'll make a
ton more money.
Lily: Well, guess what, Barney? I don't base all my life decisions on how much money I'm going to make, unlike you
and, sadly, my fiance.
Marshall: Well, it's just an internship, for the record.
Lily: Yeah, because if I did sacrifice all my values just for an easy buck, what would that make me?
Mary: A prostitute.
Lily: Exactly. Thank you, Mary.
Robin: So, Mary, what do you do for a living?
Barney: She's a paralegal.
Mary: Yes, I'm a paralegal.
Robin: Oh, so, Mary the paralegal. What does a paralegal do exactly?
Mary: I just assist with day-to-day clerical work in a law firm downtown.
Lily: Oh, what firm?
Mary: Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp.
Marshall: That's a real law firm.
Mary: I know.
Marshall: Nice.
Ted: You're pretty good on your feet.
Mary: Are you flirting with me?
Ted: Is that allowed?

Mary: Yes, it's encouraged.
Ted: You know, I wouldn't normally say this on a first date, but... well, considering... I'm just going to say it. You are so
hot!
Mary: Well, thank you.
Ted: You're welcome.
Robin: Mary, Ted is a great guy. You hold on to him. Don't let him out of your sight for a minute.
Ted: So, Sandy, what do you do? Oh, wait, I know what you do. You're the guy who reads the paper in the morning.
Sandy: You got me. What do you do, Ted?
Ted: Oh, same thing as you-- I read the paper every morning. But then after that, I finish my coffee and I go to my real
job as an architect where I make an actual contribution to the world. I'm just kidding. Love your show. You're terrific.
Sandy: Thanks. I never tire of hearing that.
Mary: Hey, you know that scene in Empire where they lower the helmet onto Darth Vader's head? Do you think that's
how Sandy puts his hair on in the morning?
Ted: You just insulted someone I hate by referencing something I love. Damn, you just got even hotter.
Ted from 2030: And so, as the night wore on, I started to realize, this girl, despite what she did for a living, was kind of
great.
Ted: Hey.
Robin: Hey. Mary seems nice. Have you kissed her yet, or are you waiting until you're in a serious relationship with
someone else?
Ted: I, uh... I wanted to apologize for everything that happened.
Robin: And just like that, it's all okay. Roll credits.
Ted: So you're going to be mad at me forever? What, we're not even friends now?
Robin: We're still friends.
Ted: Are we? You don't return my calls, we never hang out and now you're trying to make my jealous by waving
Edward R. Moron in my face?
Robin: Oh, and Paralegally Blonde isn't here in her low-cut dress to make me jealous?
Ted: Oh, so now she's a whore?

Robin: What?
Ted: You know something? Mary the paralegal is awesome. And you know what else? I didn't come here tonight to
make you jealous, I came here to support you as a friend. And frankly, I'm sick of trying.
Sandy: I like that guy.
Ted: Hey.
Sandy: Hey. What were you guys talking about over there?
Ted: Oh, I was, uh, just telling my friend that I think you're awesome.
Sandy: Well, thanks. You know, this is one of the nicer hotels I've ever been in.
Ted: Oh, yeah, my friend did the remodel. You should see the rooms. The views are amazing.
Mary: Yeah? Maybe it's too bad we don't have a room.
Barney: Room 1506. My treat. You kids go nuts. Actually, don't use the mini-bar. Do it. Come on, Ted, do it. This is one
of those things you have to do before you turn 30.
Ted: Sleep with a prostitute?
Barney: No, lose your virginity. What up. Statistic-- men who have had at least one relationship with a prostitute are
75% more likely to have success in future relationships.
Marshall: You just made that up.
Barney: Withdrawn.
Marshall: Lawyered. Okay, three things. First of all, Robin's category's almost up. And second of all, you cannot do
this. It's wrong on every level. And third, I've been placing small items in Sandy's hair all night. He still hasn't noticed.
Ted: I know I can't do this. I'm not doing this. It's just... it's a shame. She's really cool.
Marshall: Yeah, well... there we go.
Vampire Lou: Scooter "Bam-Bam" Branson for A Bicycle-- Joyride or Deathtrap? Mike Murphy for 13, Pregnant and
Addicted. And Robin Scherbotsky for Pickles, the Singing Dog. And the winner is... Robin Scherbotsky.
Robin: Thanks. Oh, wow. This is really a surprise. Um, you know it's nice to be able to share this award with my
friends. They're all here tonight. Marshall, Lily, Sandy Rivers... Barney... And that's it. Those are all my friends. Thank
you.
Marshall: Congratulations.
Robin: Oh, thanks. Um, Sandy, do you want to get a cab?

Sandy: Sure. Let's go.
Ted: Yeah, this party's dead. Mary, you want to go upstairs? We, uh, got a room.
Marshall: Dude, what are you doing?
Ted: What's it look like?
Marshall: It looks bad, is what it looks like. You cannot do this.
Ted: Marshall, she is a really cool girl when you get to know her. Besides, I'm trying to make Robin jealous.
Marshall: Oh, that's real mature.
Lily: Marshall, what is up with you and Ted?
Marshall: Nothing, baby. Don't worry about it. Fine. Do what you want. Hey.
Mary: Should we go?
Ted: Yeah. Thanks. Well... Good night.
Robin: Good night.
In the elevator
Ted: So, did you and Barney ever...?
Mary: There's not enough money in the world.
Ted: Oh, thank God.
Marshall: Wow, so they're...? Robin, where's Sandy Rivers?
Robin: I put him in a cab.
Barney: So you and he aren't...?
Robin: I don't date people I work with. I was just trying to make Ted jealous. Is he...?
Marshall: He's off trying to make you jealous.
Robin: Oh, well, good for them. And, you know, if Ted likes her, she's probably pretty cool.
Marshall: Lily, I know you're asleep, but I have to tell someone this, and we tell each other everything. So, here it
goes. Mary's not a paralegal. She's a prostitute.
Lily, waking up: Mary's a prostitute?
Robin: What?!
Marshall: Barney paid for her.
Lily: Is that true?
Marshall: We were having a conversation about prostitution, and then Barney calls her up and then she shows up at
the bar and now she and Ted are upstairs.
Robin: Okay, seriously, what is going on with Ted lately? Is he having a nervous breakdown?
Lily: You know, Barney, for anyone else, this would be a new low, but sadly, for you, it's just a new middle. Oh, my
God, I used her lipstick! Ah!
Marshall: That's her napkin.
Lily: No!
Barney: Okay, well, I guess now is as good a time as any. In keeping with tonight's award show motif, I'd like to
announce this evening's big twist ending! Vampire Lou, would you do the honors?
Vampire Lou: "Mary's not really a prostitute."
Marshall: What?
Barney: That's all, Vampire Lou. Nicely done.
Marshall: So she's not...?
Barney: No. Mary's just a paralegal who lives in my building. Oh-- ha-ha! And here's the best part-- she has no idea
that Ted thinks she's a hooker. Oh, come on. If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.
In the hall of the hotel
Ted: I feel kind of like Richard Gere.
Mary: Not shy about your looks, are you?
Ted: No. You know, Mary, I've never done this before.
Mary: Done what?
Ted: You know, been... on a "date."
Mary: Yeah, right. Wait, you're kidding, right?

Ted: No. Why, is that so odd?
Mary: Well, Ted, I mean, I've been going on dates since I was 15.
Ted: God, you were just a kid. Well, look, let's just have a few drinks. We'll relax and...
Mary: Yeah, that sounds great. I had clients riding me all day long.
Ted: Must be tough.
Mary: Yeah. I mean, this one guy just wouldn't leave me alone. I mean, talk about a**l. Well, here we are.
Ted: Okay, look, Mary, I like you a lot. I'm sort of amazed at how much I like you, but I can't do this. You're a hooker.
Mary: What?
Ted: Look, maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I'm sorry, that's a deal-breaker for me. I'm not going to have s*x with a
prostitute.
Mary: No... Ted, I'm a paralegal.
Ted: Come on, Mary, there's no one else around. You're a hooker.
Mary: No, Ted... I'm a paralegal.
Ted: No, you're a hooker.
Mary: No, I'm a paralegal.
Ted: You're a paralegal.
The Bar
Ted: That was not funny.
Marshall: Not funny, dude.
Barney: I know, it was hilarious.
Ted: Why would you do that?
Barney: I did it to prove a point.
Ted: What point?

Barney: Stay with me. It's going to come to me. No. Ah, okay, here's the point. You thought that Mary was a sure
thing, right? So what happened? She took you up to a hotel room on the first date. All you have to do is be that
confident with every girl you meet and your slump is over.
Ted: So the message is, I should treat every woman like a whore?
Barney: Come on, dude, you should be thanking me.
Ted: She slapped me and stormed off.
Barney: Can you blame her? You called her a hooker.
Marshall: I'm sorry, dude, it was funny.
Ted: Yeah. Well, it's getting late. I should get back to my room.
Barney: Your room?
Ted: Yeah, that really expensive hotel room you put on your credit card-- never checked out. By the way, you know
what's super fun? Pouring Dom Perignon down a bathtub drain. Well, it's almost 3:00. Got a massage. Toodles.
(Ted leaves)
Marshall: Come on, if you don't laugh, it just seems mean.
[END]
20 - Best Prom Ever
Lily and Marshall are running in the streets
Ted from 2030: Kids, about eight months into Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall's engagement, there occurred a game-
changing emergency.
[12 minutes earlier, at the appartment]
Marshall: Van Smoot is available.
Lily: Oh, my God!
Ted from 2030: Van Smoot House was a gorgeous mansion right on the Hudson River. It had everything Marshall and
Lily wanted for their wedding, but it was never available. And then, suddenly, it was.
Marshall: There was a cancellation two months from now.
Lily: You want to have our wedding in two months? No. It's impossible.
Marshall: It's Van Smoot, Lily. It's the dream!
Lily: No, there's just not enough time. There's no way... Oh! Mini-vomit.
Marshall: Okay, look, look, look. I know that it's sudden, but check it. If we don't take this, guess who's on their way
with a deposit check.
Lily: Todd and Valerie?
(An other couple is running)
Ted from 2030: When you're planning a wedding, there's always one couple with similar taste that seems to be one
step ahead of you. Todd and Valerie were that couple.
Marshall: We got to make a decision. Todd and Valerie are in motion. Van Smoot!
Lily: Oh! Kids, color!(Lily runs out of class, Marshall runs out pf the appartment, they join in the street) Come on,
baby.
Marshall: Come on, come on, come on.
Todd: Hello, Marshall. Lily.

Marshall: Todd. Valerie. Stairs.
The Bar
Lily: I can't believe it. We got Van Smoot House.
Marshall: It is on. It is on! Like the former Soviet Republic of Azerbaijan.
Robin: What?
Marshall: You're a wonder.
Ted: Wow! You guys are getting married in two months.
Robin: How are you going to get everything done?
Lily: Division of labor. Everyone's got a job to do, so listen up. Okay, Robin, you and Ted go to the florist.
Ted from 2030: Robin had been mad at me since the night I slightly exaggerated my not-having-a-girlfriend-ness.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: Was it...?
Robin: It was your girlfriend. You might want to call her back.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Or, actually, Robin, why don't you go to the florist? And, Ted, I could use your keen architectural eye on... on the
invitations.
Marshall: Wow. That was really awkward, Lil. And still. It's still really awkward right now.
Barney: Hey, what about me? What's my job? What do I get to do?
Lily: Okay, your job is very simple. At the wedding, do not sleep with anyone even remotely related to me.
Barney: Lil, you know I can't promise that.
At the appartment
(Lily fell asleep on wedding books, Marshall and Ted enters)
Marshall: Shh! Shh! Look how cute she looks. All tuckered out. Hey, babe. Hey, little one. Hey, Lilypad.
Lily: Crap! Band! We forgot a band! It's just gonna be silence and then people chewing.
Marshall: Shh! Shh! Baby, don't worry about it. I called The 88!
Lily: Who?
Marshall: The 88. They're this awesome band. They played my law review party. They were found guilty. On three
counts of rocking.
Ted: I saw them two months ago at my cousin Bonzo's wedding, they were great.
Lily: John "Bonzo" Bonham from Led Zeppelin?
Ted: Yes, Lily, my cousin, the drummer from Led Zeppelin, who died in 1980, got married two months ago.
Lily: Look, I... I can't sign off on a band I've never even seen. We... we don't even know if they can play our song.
They're... they're going to have to come over here and audition.
Marshall: Baby, The 88 don't audition. They're, like, the Wiggles of wedding bands.
Lily: Well, then... I have to say no.
Marshall: Baby, they're only holding the date until Monday.
Lily: Well... well, are they playing anywhere this weekend?
Marshall: Let me check their Website.
Lily: What?
Ted: Lily, you're being a wee bit intense about this band thing.
Lily: Intense? I have a wedding to plan in nine weeks for 200 people. Even if a dinosaur should poke his head out of
my butt and consume this coffee table, I need you to roll with it, okay?
Ted: Wow.
(Barney enters)
Barney: Guys! I just tasted an amazing caterer.
Lily: We already have a caterer.
Barney: Oh, right. You're getting married. You see what I did there? Took a...
Marshall: It looks like The 88 are playing at a high school prom in New Jersey tomorrow.
Lily: A prom? Can... can we go to that?

Marshall: Yeah, we'll just call the high school, they'll let us stand in the back and watch.
[11 secondes later...]
Lily: Yeah. No, they won't.
Marshall: Why not?
Lily: 'Cause it turns out we're not in high school.
Barney: No sweat, we'll just sneak in.
Marshall: We're not sneaking in to a high school prom.
Lily: Yes, we are. It's the only way.
Ted: You're getting on board with Barney's idea? Man, you really have snapped.
Lily: It's nine weeks till the wedding. At this point, I'd say yes to just about anything.
Barney: Well...
Lily: No, Barney.
The Bar
Ted from 2030: And so, Aunt Lily had the plan to crash the prom.
Robin: I'll go with you.
Lily: Really?
Robin: Yeah. I never got to go to my prom. We always had field hockey nationals in the spring.
Barney: Lesbian.
Robin: The cough is supposed to cover the "lesbian."
Barney: No, I'm trying to start a thing where the cough is separate.
Lily: Do you think we look young enough to blend in at a high school?
Barney: Please, I'm ageless, Scherbotsky just needs a good night's sleep, and you've got "statutory" written all over
your body.
Ted: Hey, why don't we all go?

Robin: I don't know-- more people might be harder to sneak in. We don't want to mess things up for Lily.
Ted: Yeah, you're right. Besides, Marshall and I have been planning on having a guy's night out before the wedding.
Why don't we just make it tomorrow night?
Marshall: Sounds awesome. We should go out and just get freakin' weird.
Ted: Yeah.
Marshall: 'Cause, you know, you be a bad, bad man, and I be an outlaw.
Barney: Wow. Hey, Thelma, Louise, y'all don't drive off no cliffs now, ya hear? Lame! But seriously, leave me a
message, and we'll meet up later.
At the appartment
Lily: All right, what do you think?
Barney: Horrible.
Lily: You're gonna make such a great dad.
Barney: You look so classy and nice. You're going to stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are
dressing these days, with the Ashlee and the Lindsay and the Paris? They all dress like strippers. It's go ho or go
home.
Lily: Well, we have to get in. I have to see this band, 'cause we have to make a decision by Monday, 'cause I'm getting
married in 71 days, and we still don't have...
Robin: Shh. Sweetie, just focus on one thing at a time, okay? Right now, you just have to dress like a whore and that's
it.
Lily: All right.
Barney: That's the spirit. Now, ladies, slut up!
In the bedroom
Robin: I never thought this would be a bad thing, but my wardrobe just isn't slutty enough.
Lily: I didn't know I still had this.
Robin: What?
Lily: The dress I wore to my actual prom.
[FLASHBACK]
Scooter: Dude, you are the hottest girl at this prom, and not like in a corporate, plastic way. Like, truly, truly hot. Like
a hot soul.
Lily: Aw, you look great, too, Scooter.
Scooter: So big news. I heard from umpire school. I'm in!
Lily: Oh, disco! I am so happy for you.
Scooter: You mean happy for us, right, babe?
Lily: Scooter, you're gonna be an umpire someday.
Scooter: No, baby. We're gonna be an umpire someday.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Barney: Nice. You ladies look good, but your outfits are missing just one thing.
Robin: No, Barney, this is as far as we're going to go. I'm not showing anymore...
Barney: Two beautiful flowers for two beautiful flowers.
Lily: Aw. Sweet. Thank you.
Barney: Oh, Robin, are you tearing up?
Robin: No. I've never been to prom before, okay?
Lily: We got to go. See ya.
Ted: Bye, have fun. See you.
(Lily, Robin and Barney leave)
Marshall: They grow up into skanks so fast, don't they, Ted?
Ted: So, what, we ready for tonight?
Marshall: Yeah. Just one thing we got to do first.
Ted: Shot of Jim Beam?
Marshall: Yeah.
Ted: Yes!
Marshall: And then I promised Lily that we'd stuff 200 wedding invitations.
Ted: What?!
Marshall: I'm sorry, dude, but you saw how stressed out she is.
Ted: Come on! You've been doing wedding stuff nonstop. Take a break. Once you're married, if we go out and you get
so drunk you throw up, it'll be sad, but if we do it tonight... it'll be less sad.
Marshall: Okay, it'll be cool-- I'll tell you what. We'll make a game out of it. First one to stuff a hundred invitations gets
a big prize.
Ted: Do I look like I'm four? All right, what kind of prize are we talking?
Outside the prom
Lily: Wow, a lot more security than when we were kids.
Robin: Is this gonna work?
Lily: Yeah. Look, when I was 17, I used to sneak into clubs all the time. It's all about confidence. Follow me. Whee-
hoo! Happy prom, everybody. Going to prom-- whee-hoo!
Security guard: Uh, you're adults.
Lily: Okay, bye. Okay, look, I just need to see the band. I'm getting married in two months, and...
Security guard: And you're just finding a band?
Barney: Hey, ho, hey!
Security guard: I'm sorry, ma'am. You either need to be a student or the date of a student.
Lily: Wow. "Ma'am?" Check and mate.
Barney: It's cool. Time to activate plan B. Scherbotsky, how comfortable are you with a crossbow? Scherbotsky?
Robin: Hey, guys. Do you want to take two hot girls to prom?
Boy: We don't have that kind of money.
Robin: For free.
Boy: Oh, hell yeah!
Robin: Great. I'm Robin, this is my friend Lily.

Lily: Hi. Shall we?
Boy: Sure. I knew it would happen. This is the dream.
Robin: Oh, hey, wait. How's Barney getting in?
Barney: Don't worry about me. I'll get in. Oh... I'll get in.
Inside the building
Lily: We're in!
Singer: Thank you. We're going to take a break.
Lily: Oh, you're kidding me.
Boy #1: Hey, uh, you ladies want something to take the edge off?
Robin: Yeah, what the hell? It's prom. That tastes like cough syrup.
Boy #1: Yeah, we couldn't get any alcohol. Um, our fake IDs say we're only 20. We didn't realize it till after we bought
them.
Robin: Nerds who aren't good at math? Life's going to be rough, boys.
Lily: Hi. Excuse me. I was wondering if you guys could play "Good Feeling" by the Violent Femmes. I know it's
probably not in your repertoire, but I'm getting married and my fiancé wants to hire you guys as the band, but I can't
sign off on it until I hear you play "Good Feeling" because that's our song, and what kind of wedding band would you
be if you couldn't play our song, right? Right?
Man: Look, I'm kinda wasted right now, so I didn't understand any of that. But, uh, if you get us the sheet music, we'll
play your song.
Boy #1: So, you buzzing, baby?
Robin: My phlegm feels looser.
At the appartment
Ted: This is pathetic. It's guys' night. We should be out in a bar getting in fights. If I got in a fight, would you have my
back?
Marshall: You know it.
Ted: I'd have your back, too.
Marshall: That's cool.

Ted: What, you don't think you'd need my help? You don't know what I can do. I'm like... like a berserker.
Marshall: Okay, Ted. (His phone starts rigging) Hello.
Robin: Hey, it's Robin. Um, Lily needs you to download the sheet music for "Good Feeling" and bring it out here, like,
now.
Marshall: Hang on. It's Robin. She wants me to go to prom. Can Ted come?
Ted: Wait! Don't ask! That's so lame! I don't even want to go anyway.
Robin: Uh, I don't know. Things have been so weird between us.
Ted: What'd she say? What'd she say?
Robin: He lied and told me he broke up with his girlfriend to try to hook up with me. I mean, I know he apologized for
it but it's just, it's not easy to forgive. Look, if you absolutely must bring Ted, it's, it's not like I'm going to claw my own
eyes out if he comes.
Marshall: Okay, bye. She totally wants you to come.
At the prom
Robin: All right, sheet music's on the way. Are you okay?
Lily: There's just so much to do for this wedding. My head is swirling. It's just all moving too fast.
[FLASHBACK]
Scooter: How is it moving too fast? We've been together for two years.
Lily: I just... I just don't want everything in my life to be decided already.
Scooter: What's decided? I go to umpire school, you go to college. We move into my dad's house in Staten Island. We
have kids, we grow old together. What's decided? It's wide open!
Lily: Scooter, when I go off to college, that's the end for us.
Scooter: You're, you're breaking up with me?
Lily: There's still so much I want to do. I want to travel, live overseas as an artist, maybe have a lesbian relationship.
Plus, I think I was just dating you 'cause you look a little bit like Kurt Cobain.
Scooter: I can't believe this. I can change. I can look more like Kurt Cobain. Please, just don't leave me. I'm nothing
without you, baby.
Lily: Please don't put that kind of pressure on me! It's too much!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Boy #2: It's just one dance, God!
Lily: What?
Robin: Well, we did promise them one dance.
Lily: Yeah, sure, okay. So Andrew, what's your big plan? What's life going to be like after tonight?
Andrew: Well, you know I got it all worked out. Uh, leave this place in my dust, four awesome years at college, and
then I'll move to Prague or start my own video game company or something.
Lily: No, you won't.
Andrew: I won't?
Lily: No, you won't accomplish anything you set out to. You'll get a girlfriend the first day of college and you'll give up
your independence and you'll never live abroad and you'll wind up old before your time wondering "Whatever
happened to my hopes and my dreams?"
Andrew: Whoa. You really think I'll get a girlfriend?
Boy #1: So, uh, what's the deal here? Am I getting lucky tonight?
Robin: Oh, Sean, look, um, you're a nice guy, but I just don't... No, you're not getting lucky tonight.
Giant Turtle: Okay, just be cool. Don't look at me.
Ted: Okay.
Giant Turtle: How'd you get in here?
Marshall: What's it to you, giant turtle?
Giant Turtle: It's me, Barney.
Marshall: Oh, hey. Where's Lily?
Barney: She's in the bathroom.
Marshall: Wait here, I should go talk to the band.
Ted: All right.
Barney: How did you guys get in here?

Ted: We just snuck in the back.
Barney: You just snu... Are you serious? I've been trying to get in here all night. I finally paid a janitor 200 bucks to let
me borrow this mascot costume.
Ted: But you got in. Slow and steady won the race.
Marshall: Hey, bro, have you seen my fiancée Lily?
Andrew: Your fiancée? Whoa, tonight she's with me, bro. Unless you're looking for trouble.
Marshall: Listen, little buddy, I understand it's prom and the adrenaline's pumping, but...
Andrew: No, not tonight. I've waited too long for this. I finally got a girl and I'm not going to let you take her away
from me.
Marshall: Whoa, whoa. Look, let's not get carried away.
Andrew: Yah! Nunchaku!
Lily: I can't believe I unloaded like that on a high school senior.
Robin: I can't believe a high school senior unloaded like that on me. I'm going to ask you something and, um, maybe
it's crazy 'cause you guys are the cutest couple ever. But, um, are you having second thoughts?
Lily: Yeah. But not about Marshall. About me. I just keep thinking about the girl I was ten years ago and wondering
what happened to her.
[FLASHBACK]
Lily: I don't want to be tied down. I want to live in France and Spain and Italy and just soak up life and put it on a
canvas, even if it means being a waitress in crappy cafés for five years, I don't care. I'm going to be a painter. And I
can't do any of that with a, with a boyfriend shackled around my neck, you know? But anyway, I'm blabbering. Way
to make new friends, Lily. I'm sorry. What was your name again?
Man: Marshall.
Lily: Nice to meet you, Marshall. Guess we're hallmates.
Marshall: Yeah.
Lily: It works.
Marshall: Violent Femmes. I love this song.
Lily: Me, too.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: I didn't have any of the experiences I set out to. The travel, the bohemian art life, my big lesbian experience. I
didn't do any of it.
Robin: Lily, you're marrying your best friend in the world. I mean, isn't that worth all the other experiences
combined?
Lily: Yeah.
Robin: And look, you can still travel, I mean, you can still paint. And as far as your lesbian experience... Happy?
Lily: Yeah. So field hockey, huh?
Robin: Shut up.
Outside
Security guard #1: Trespassing, assaulting a minor. This mascot costume you stole cost $5,000.
Security guard #2: We can have you guys arrested, you know that?
Ted: Oh, come on-- you're the one who let in a kid with nunchakus. You call yourself security guards? I was just
defending my boy here.
Marshall: I totally could have taken that kid.
Ted: Uh, yeah, and I totally had your back, so...
Marshall: Well, I don't need it, but thanks.
Ted: Uh, yeah, you did, and you're welcome.
Marshall: No, the kid was totally, like, a white belt and I'm gigantic. Listen, guys, I'm sorry. Please, I just need to get in
there for one more song.
Security guards: Absolutely not.
Barney: You guys will thank me for this later, okay? Listen, Don, Ray, can't we all...?
(Barney takes the head of the turtle, and starts running away)
Security guard #1: Hey!
Ted: You know, for a turtle, he's surprisingly quick.
Singer: This one goes out to that redhead girl and that tall guy.
Ted: So how was your first prom?

Robin: You tell me. I hated my dress, my date got wasted and puked on me, there was a huge fight and I kissed a girl.
Ted: So, basically, it was a prom.
Robin: Okay, I've missed you. Not in a we're-going-to-make-out way, not even in an I-forgive-you way. Just in a I've-
missed-you way.
Ted: I'll take what I can get.
Barney: And that, my friends, is why you don't get your money's worth when you wear jeans to a strip club.
Marshall: So you got to admit, The 88 are rocking our song.
Lily: Yeah, it's good.
Marshall: Band? Check. Two months, baby. Two months.
Lily: Two months.
[END]
21 - Milk
Ted from 2030: Kids, life is a dark road. You never really know what's up ahead. One night you're cruising along
enjoying the ride, and then all of a sudden, you're 28.
At the Bar
Waitress: And for the birthday boy, lasagna.
Ted: Thank you.
Waitress: Careful. The plate is very hot.
Ted: 'Kay. Oh, go on, touch it.
Lily: Ah! Sweet damn, that's a hot plate.
Ted: All right, so, Barney, are you doing this or what?
Robin: Oh, geez, Barney, don't do this.
Barney: I have to, it's my birthday present to Ted.
Marshall: You don't have to. Please, it's going to be embarrassing and we're going to have to stop coming here, which
will suck... in addition to probably being kind of healthy.
Ted: Come on, Marshall, it's the greatest pickup line of all time. Barney.
Marshall: Oy, gevalt.
Barney: Ah... Happy birthday, Ted.
Ted: Whoo-hoo!
(Barney stands up and approaches a woman)
Barney: Uh, excuse me, has anyone ever told y... Oh, my God.
Woman: What?
Barney: Oh! Call an ambulance!
Woman: What's going on?

Barney: Try not to speak. Here, sit down. Just don't talk, don't talk.
Waitress: Is she okay?
Barney: I'm serious, call 911.
Woman: What's wrong? What's the matter?
Barney: Shh! Shh! Just don't move. Don't move. Just try... Here, have some water. Water! Here, drink this. Shh! Shh!
Robin: You know, the more I watch this, the less convinced I am that it's the greatest pickup line of all time.
Ted: Wait for it.
Lily: 28. Two more 'til the big one, three-oh.
Ted from 2030: Actually, my 30th birthday wasn't so bad. Well, except for the goat in my bathroom. Which is a great
story. But I'll get to that later.
Lily: Still, you know, another year older. Still single. You don't hear your Tedological clock ticking?
Ted: Nope. I hit the snooze button.
Robin: And here come the paramedics.
Barney: Oh, thank God, you're here.
Paramedic: What is going on?!
Barney: I think there might be some internal bleeding. Probably some fractures. We got to get her to the hospital.
Woman: What are you talking about?
Barney: You've had a terrible fall.
Woman: No, I haven't.
Barney: Really? 'Cause I could swear you fell straight out of heaven. Angel... Give him your number. What? Give him
your number. What?
All: Give him your number.
Barney: Come on, guys, you're embarrassing me.
All: Give him your number.
Barney: What are you...? Come on. They're not going to stop 'til you give me your number.
Woman: All right!
Barney: It works!
Marshall: I cannot believe that she gave him her number.
Robin: Maybe she really does have a brain injury.
Barney: Thank you, everyone. Thank you, everyone. It's been fun. It's Wendy the waitress. Tip her well. Thanks a lot,
guys. Troilus and Cressida. Neighborhood Playhouse. Check them out, they're good.
Ted: I realize why I'm still single. I'm picky. I'm not going to settle. If I'm going to marry someone, she has to be
perfect.
Lily: Well, what's perfect?
Ted: It's not like I have a list.
Robin: Oh, yes, you do.
Ted: Attractive, college-educated, she wants two kids-- a boy and a girl...
Lily: That's not hard. I know at least...
Ted: I'm not done. She likes dogs, Otis Redding, does the crossword. She's into sports, but not so much so that her
legs are, like, more muscular than mine. That weirds me out. And she plays bass guitar like Kim Deal from the Pixies.
Marshall: Or Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth.
Ted: Any Kim from any cool band, really. Can't be too picky.
Lily: You're never going to find this girl.
Ted: Exactly. So I'm just going to wait for her to come to me. I am done trying to plan the unplannable.
Marshall: So, what, you think fate's just going to take care of it?
Ted: That's the plan.
Ted from 2030: And little did I know, at that very moment, fate... in the form of a 600 gigahertz superprocessing
computer... was taking care of it.
At the appartment
Ted: Whoa, you're up early.
Lily: Yeah, thought I'd whip up some pancakes.

Ted: Does Marshall know?
Lily: He's still sound asleep.
Marshall: Awesome. So awesome. God! Best girl ever. Screw these pancakes, I should cover you in syrup and gobble
you up.
Ted: Please don't do that. Hey, is this milk any good?
Marshall: Oh, yeah, that totally got me yesterday.
Ted: God, why didn't you throw it away?
Lily: I'm going shopping after work. I'll pick up some milk.
Marshall: Oh...! These pancakes are delightful.
Lily: What's wrong, baby?
Marshall: This is the high point of my day.
Ted from 2030: It was true. See, Marshall had always dreamed of using his law degree to protect the environment.
But he needed money for the wedding, so he'd been interning for two months at Barney's firm... and he hated every
minute of it.
Barney's office
Marshall: Hey, Barney, I had some questions about filling out these requisition forms.
Barney: Binoculars. Second pair on my desk.
Marshall: I don't have time to be creepy, dude. I have a lot of work to do.
Barney: Just take a look, will ya? Okay, corner office. Top floor. Check out that guy. Name's Clark Butterfield. He works
over at Nicholson, Hewitt and West and every morning, he orders a sandwich from the deli downstairs.
Marshall: So?
Barney: So guess what I did to that sandwich? Here, I took a picture.
Marshall: Oh! Sweet Lord.
Barney: And now I'm e-mailing said picture to him.
Marshall: Ooh! Duck! That is sick! Why would you do that?
Barney: Who knows? This feud goes so far back I can't remember who fired the first shot.
Marshall: You?
Barney: Totally. Well, look, if you would just... help me fill out these forms, that would be great.
Marshall: What?
Barney: Butterfield is going to retaliate within the next four hours. That's been his pattern. This is war, Eriksen. I need
you to clear your schedule, call Lily, tell her you'll be home late.
Marshall: This is stupid.
Barney: Stu... Come on, man, I didn't recruit you to work here for your lawyering skills. I recruited you to be my
executive mischief consultant.
Marshall: This is a job for me, Barney. It's a way to make some extra wedding money, and that's it. Now I'm sorry, but
I have work to do.
Barney: Tracy, could you come in here, please? Would you please inform Mr. Eriksen that I'm no longer speaking to
him.
Tracy: Mr. Eriksen, Mr. Stinson is no longer...
Marshall: I get it. Thank you, Tracy.
At the appartment
Ted: Hello?
Man: Hello. May I speak with a Mr. Ted Mosby?
Ted: Speaking.
Man: Mr. Mosby, how you doing, sir? Bob Rorschach over here at Love Solutions. You signed up for our services
about six months ago.
Ted: Uh, yeah. You guys never found me a match.
Bob: Right. Well... actually, that's why I'm calling. We found her, sir. We found your soul mate.
At Love Solutions
Ted: I don't understand. What happened to Ellen Pierce? Doesn't she run this place?
Bob: Well, my firm bought out the company. You know, we're a high-end meats and textiles conglomerate, but the
geniuses at corporate decided they wanted to diversify, so... here I am.
Ted: So I'm in good hands. You found me a match?

Bob: There she is. Your soul mate. That'll be 500 bucks.
Ted: No way. The last time I did this, the girl turned out to be engaged.
Bob: She's not engaged. She's your soul mate. Just read the file.
Ted from 2030: So I read the file. And by God, this woman was perfect. She liked dogs, she spent her summers in
North Carolina, she played bass guitar, she did the Times crossword, she played tennis, she liked old movies, her
favorite food was lasagna, her favorite book was Love in the Time of Cholera, her favorite singer was Otis Redding
and she wanted two kids-- a boy and a girl.
Ted: All right, fine. Set it up.
Barney's office
Marshall: You wanted to see me, so I guess that means we're talking again?
Barney: Will you taste this latte for me? I think they gave me decaf.
Marshall: Tastes normal to me.
Barney: That's what I thought, too. Then I got this e-mail from Butterfield.
Marshall: Oh, God!
Barney: It got me as well.
Marshall: Well, then why did you have me drink it?!
Barney: Because now... you're in.
Marshall: Okay. Don't think I'm overlooking the obvious fact that I should just be mad at you. But Executive Mischief
Consultant Marshall Eriksen reporting for duty. Let's make that b*st*rd pay. You think that we should brush our teeth
first?
Barney: Yeah, it's probably a good idea.
In a bar
Ted from 2030: So that night I had a blind date with my perfect match. I was so excited, I got there early. But before it
even started...
(Ted's phone starts ringing, he picks up)
Ted: Lily?
Lily: Hey, Ted, are you busy?

Ted: Um... yes.
Lily: Oh, right. Soul mate. Forgot. Listen, could you take a cab out to Duchess County and change a flat on Marshall's
Fiero?
Ted: What? What? No. Can't you just call Marshall?
Lily: Marshall can't know about this. Look, Ted, it's dark, I don't know how to change a tire, and I've stumbled into the
beginning of a very scary campfire story. Can you please hurry?
Ted: I can't, I'm waiting...
Lily: Oh, my God, is that a drifter with a hook for a hand? No, drifter, no!
Ted: Come on, Lily.
Lily: But you see my point.
Ted: All right, stay there. I'm on my way.
At Duchess County
Ted from 2030: And so, one $90 cab ride later, I was in the middle of nowhere.
Lily: Oh, thank God. I'm so sorry about this. Did you get ahold of your date?
Ted: Yes.
Lily: And was she okay about pushing it back?
Ted: Yes. Because she's perfect. So what am I doing here?
Lily: You can never tell Marshall.
Ted: I won't.
Lily: Ever. Swear. Swear on the lives of your unborn boy and girl.
Ted: I swear on Luke and Leia.
Lily: About a month ago, I started getting insomnia. Marrying Marshall had been all I wanted for a long time. But, now
that it was really happening, it seemed kind of huge and scary.
Ted: Did you talk to Marshall about it?
Lily: He wouldn't have understood. He's not exactly nervous about tying the knot. So I spent my nights reading,
painting, setting the high score on Super Bomber Man...
Ted: That was you? Awesome!
Lily: I know! I just got in the zone and... Not the point of the story. And then I started thinking about Victoria and how
she followed her dream to Germany, and I found that art fellowship.
Ted: Let me guess. It's somewhere far away.
Lily: San Francisco. But it's not like I'm going to do it. The dates conflict with the wedding. But I love painting, and I've
always wondered if I'm any good. This was a way to find out. And the interview is tonight. In New Haven.
Ted: You don't want to get married.
Lily: Of course I want to get married. I... It's not like I was ever going to do it. I just... I just really wanted to see if I
could get this.
Ted: Lily, we live in the center of art and culture in America. I'm sure you could find a program here that's just as
selective. But you chose one in a city 3,000 miles away, and you didn't tell Marshall. I think it's pretty clear what that
means.
Lily: Okay, I was... I was having second thoughts. But I'm not any more. I... I mean, this flat tire was a sign. I'm not
supposed to do this. I'm supposed to go home and-and be with Marshall. You must think I'm so stupid.
Ted: I don't think you're stupid.
Lily: I love Marshall.
Ted: I know you do. Come here. It's okay. Look... Marriage is big. You're allowed to freak out.
Lily: But why am I the only one? How come Marshall isn't doing anything crazy?
Barney's office
Marshall: So all we need is one large shipping box and 100 white mice.
At Duchess County
Ted: All done.
Lily: Ted, let's go to New Haven.
Ted: Lily, don't do this to yourself.
Lily: I just need to know if I can get in. If I do this interview, and get into the program, then I'll know, and I can forget
all about it, and get married. Come on! It's an adventure.
Ted: No, it's not an adventure. It's a mistake.

Lily: Okay, yes, it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake. But there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake
but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake, and
look back, and say, "Yep. That was a mistake." So, really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake,
because then you go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not. And, damn it, I've made no
mistakes! I've done all of this-- my life, my relationship, my career-- mistake-free. Does any of this make sense to you?
Ted: I don't know. You said "mistake" a lot. Lily, don't do this.
Lily: Ted, I'm getting married in two months, and I'm freaking out, and you're my best friend, and you just have to
forgive me for this.
Ted: Forgive you for what? (Lily leaves with he car) Lily. Lily! Hey, Lily, this is Ted, the guy you left stranded by the side
of the road. I just wanted to say good luck with the interview, remember to pick up some milk... Oh, and, when I get
home, I'm going to kill you. And, also, I texted you the same thing. (He calls Barney) Hey, I need a big favor.
Barney: Anything, bro.
Ted: I need you to come up to Duchess County and pick me up.
Barney: No.
Ted: It's kind of an emergency.
Barney: What are you doing in Duchess County?
Ted: Apple picking. Can you just get up here?
Barney: I wish I could help, buddy, but I'm stuck here at work. We're kind of swamped.
Marshall: Is that Ted?
Barney: Yeah. He's stuck in Duchess County.
Marshall: Don't you have a big date tonight?
Ted: Uh... Marshall. Hi. Yes. Yes, I do.
Marshall: So what are you doing in Duchess County?
Ted: Can't a brother go apple picking without getting the third degree? Damn!
Marshall: Okay, well, hang on. I'm coming to get you.
Ted: No!
Marshall: Relax, man. I'll take the Fiero.
Ted: No, no, no. Just... forget it. Ha, ha! A little prank. I'm not in Duchess County.
Marshall: So that's the prank? That you're not in Duchess County?
Ted: Yep. Gotcha! Classic! Gotta go.
Barney's office
Barney: Hey, check out this one. It actually looks like Butterfield.
Marshall: You know, over at the NRDC, it's a bunch of really committed people who take their job of saving the earth
very, very seriously. Which is great, and everything, but I can't imagine having this much fun over there.
Barney: You thinking about coming to work here full-time?
Marshall: Maybe. Don't tell Lily, okay?
Tracy: Taking off for the night.
Barney: Thanks, Tracy.
Tracy: Are you guys planning on punching some holes in that box?
Barney: Of course we are. Were you going to think of that?
Marshall: No.
Barney: That would have been bad.
Marshall: Horrible.
At Duchess County
Ted from 2030: Luckily, there was still one person I could call to get a ride home.
Robin: Need a ride, cowboy?
Ted: Sorry. I don't get in vans with strangers.
Robin: Hmm, too bad. I got candy.
Ted: Candy?!
Robin: So you're not going to tell me what you were doing by the side of a highway in Duchess County?
Ted: Nope. Sworn to secrecy.
Robin: Oh, come on.

Ted: I like your hat.
Robin: Right. This is embarrassing. I got highlights.
Ted: Oh, for the waiting room of your dental practice? Highlights is a children's magazine.
Robin: Yeah, I got it. I thought it might look cool. Of course my colorist took "highlights" to mean, "I want to look like
a tiger," hence the hat.
Ted: Oh. I gotta see this.
Robin: No way.
Ted: Please. I bet it doesn't look that bad. I bet it looks grr-eat!
Robin: So, she says, changing the subject. Big date tonight. How does she rate on the Mosby checklist?
Ted: Kind of amazingly. Uh, she's 28, like me.
Robin: Wow, I'm 28. Hmm.
Ted: Uh, college educated-- check. Plays tennis-- check. Uh, favorite book is Love in the Time of Cholera-- check.
Robin: I read that. More like "Love in the Time of Don't Bothera."
Ted: You know, it's very rude to wear a hat indoors. I'm just saying.
Robin: We're not indoors. We're in a van.
Ted: Vans have doors-- let me see your hair.
Robin: Never. What else?
Ted: She loves lasagna.
Robin: Barf.
Ted: You know, I am sensing a pattern here.
Robin: What else?
Ted: Let's see what else... Oh, she doesn't look like a tiger-- check.
Robin: And she's looking to get married and have kids?
Ted: Check and check. She wants two kids... a boy and a girl.
Robin: Wow. You know, I've been thinking about this. I think I want to have zero kids.
Ted: Really? You don't want kids?
Robin: You know, Ted, not everyone is as much of a woman as you. Hey. I'm driving. Look at that. 8:56. You're early.
Ted: Hey, thanks for picking me up.
Robin: Good luck on your date. I hope she's everything you're looking for.
Ted: Thanks.
Robin: All right, you've clearly had a rough night. I want you to go in there with a smile on your face, so, uh, here's
what I'm going to do.
Ted: You're going to show me your hair?
Robin: Actually, I was going to show you my breasts, but... sure, we can do hair.
Ted: You just made my night.
Robin: Go.
(Ted gets out of the van et watch Robin leaving. He sees himself at his wedding, except Robin is not the bride)
At the appartment
Marshall: Tomorrow morning, Barney's going to send out the package, and Butterfield's going to be knee-deep in
angry white mice. Oh, hey, dude.
Ted: Hey, guys.
Lily: Hi.
Ted: Hey. So, Lil, did you, uh, get the milk?
Lily: Yeah. Yeah, I-I got it.
Ted: You think you might want to... drink the milk?
Lily: No. Nope, I'm good. I don't need any milk.
Marshall: Look, guys, I know milk is important-- it's got vitamin A, vitamin D, it's a great way to start the morning--
but Ted just had a huge date. How'd it go, dude?
Ted: I didn't go.

Marshall: What? Why?
Ted: I changed my mind. I don't want to meet her.
Marshall: Why? She sounds perfect.
Ted: I don't want perfect. I want Robin.
Marshall: Oh, God, not this again. Ted, it's a mistake.
Ted: Maybe. But it's a mistake I have to make.
Marshall: Wrong. It's a mistake you don't have to make. Look at the evidence. You and Robin have tried this again and
again...
Ted from 2030: Here's the thing about mistakes. Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake, you gotta
make it anyway.
[FLASHBACKS]
Lily: Ah, sweet damn, that's a hot plate.
Ted: Hey, is this milk any good?
[END OF FLASHBACKS]
Ted from 2030: Even really really dumb mistakes.
[END]
22 - Come On
Ted from 2030: It was May of 2006 in New York City and life was good. But everything was about to change.
At the Bar
Ted: So... what do you think?
Barney: Robin again? Ted, the universe clearly does not want you and Robin to be together. Don't piss off the
universe. The universe will slap you.
Ted: But don't you think the universe has more important things to worry about than my dating life?
Marshall: Unless your dating life is the glue holding the entire universe together... Whoa. Chills. Anybody else get
chills?
Ted: Look, I realize we've been down this road before, but the fact is, whatever I do, it all keeps coming back to Robin,
so... I gotta do this. (Barney slaps him) Ow! What the hell?
Barney: That wasn't me. That was the universe.
Ted from 2030: The funny thing was, at that very moment, the universe was working on something... a storm.
At Metro News One
Weather man: And so tropical storm Willy is going to be with us at least until Monday. It's gonna rain cats and dogs,
folks. So don't step in a poodle. Sandy? Robin?
Robin: Thanks, Lou. Boy, too bad. Our big Metro News One camping trip was going to be this weekend.
Sandy: Yeah, but camping out in the rain? No fun. Muddy. Yuck.
Robin: Guess we'll have to take a rain check.
Sandy: And we'll check in with you tomorrow, New York.
Robin: Have a great night.
Man: And, we're clear.
Sandy: Bummer. I was hoping to finally have s*x with you this weekend, Scherbotsky.
Robin: Well, I'd give you the "I don't date coworkers" speech again, but, God, you must have that sum'bitch
memorized by now.
Sandy: Shame, though. It was a pretty hot show tonight. The rhythmic give and take of our improvised banter there
at the end really got my freak juice flowing.
At the Bar
Marshall: Dude, he's right. How many times do you have to watch this crash and burn before you say, "enough"?
Ted: One more. One more time. One more big, beautiful, stupid romantic gesture. And then, whatever she says, yes
or no, that's it. If it's yes, great. If it's no, then I am done going after Robin forever.
Lily: So what's this big, beautiful romantic gesture?
Ted: I am going to make her... a mix CD. No, I'm kidding. I got a plan. Lily, I'm going to need the spare key to Robin's
apartment.
Barney: I see where this is going. Ted, waiting naked in a girl's bed wearing whipped cream undies does not work...
usually. The setting-- Martha's Vineyard, 1999. The characters: Yours truly and a raven-haired au pair by the name...
(Lily slaps him)
Lily: Universe. So, this plan you speak of?
Ted: Remember the first night Robin and I went out? I stole a blue French horn for her and it almost worked.
Marshall: Yeah. Dude, that was awesome, but how are you ever going to top that?
At Robin's appartment
(Ted is waiting for Robin, with a small orchestra)
Ted: She should be here any second.
Musician: Uh, we're pretty hungry. When do we get our pizza?
Ted: Enough with the... we'll go get pizza later, all right? Just...
(On the other side of the entry door, Robin is looking for her keyes)
Robin: Damn it.
(Ted sees the keyes on the coffee table)
Lily: Hello.
Robin: Hey, Lily, I'm locked out of my apartment. I need to come pick up my extra key.
Lily: Extra key? Do I have an extra key to your apartment?
Robin: Yes, I gave it to you.
Lily: Oh, right. That key. Yeah, I lost it.
Robin: Great, now I gotta go to the locksmith.
Lily: No, wait, uh... Maybe you should just knock.
Robin: Knock? Lily, my dogs aren't that well trained.
(Marshall comes in their appartment andlistens to the voice mails)
Voice mail: Hello, Lily, this is Janet Kagan at the Russell House Art Foundation here in San Francisco. I'm pleased to
inform you that we've accepted your application for our summer fellowship. We look forward to hearing from you.
Bye-bye.
Lily: Uh, Robin, I-I gotta go. Just knock, okay?
Marshall: Summer fellowship?
Robin: Just knock. Okay.
(Robin knocks, and Ted opens the entry door)
Ted: Hi.
Robin: Hi.
Ted: Robin... I've sort of said this already. I mean I've half said it. I've tried to say it, and I've said it badly. So this is me,
just saying it. With strings. I'm crazy about you. I think we should be together. What do you say? What do you say?
Robin: Yes. No. I don't know.
Ted: Those are the three options.
Robin: Ted, this is so...
Ted: I know.
Robin: I mean, I come home, I was going to watch Jeopardy and there's a string quartet and... I have to pee.
Ted: Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, well, go ahead. We'll, uh, we'll wait.
(Robin goes to the loo)

Musician: Yeah, 'cause when we talked earlier, you said there'd be pizza.
Ted: No, I said I'd get you a pizza afterwards. Look, could we talk about this later? I'm sort of professing my love here.
Musician: Sure. We're not getting any pizza.
(Robin comes back)
Robin: Okay. Let's talk.
Ted: Okay. Oh, hey, you guys want to take five?
Robin: Thanks, guys. Just need a minute. Sort of a big life decision. Love the blue instruments, though. Kind of an
inside joke. Thanks. (The musicians leave) You're crazy.
Ted: Right. Come on.
Robin: It's not that I haven't thought about this. You know that I have, but let's look at this, okay? We only just started
being friends again.
Ted: I know. But... come on...
Robin: And we want different things. That's still there. That's not going away. I mean, what if we do this and it doesn't
work out and I'd lose you as a friend? I gotta think about this.
Ted: Okay, fine. Think about it on the plane. Let's go to Paris for the weekend. I'm serious. I'm kidding. I'm serious.
Robin: I can't go to Paris, I'm going camping.
Ted: I thought that thing was canceled.
Robin: Well, it's back on.
Ted: Since when?
Robin: Since like an hour ago.
[FLASHBACK]
Weather man:..sending the storm back out into the Atlantic. So it's blue skies this weekend. Sandy? Robin?
Sandy: Thanks, Lou, but that blue sky isn't without at least one cloud. I'm sorry to announce that one week from
today I will be leaving Metro News One. It has been an honor to bring you the news each night, and read the paper
to you each morning. I will always treasure it. Good night, New York.
Man: And we're clear.
Robin: You're leaving?

Sandy: There. I quit my job. We're not coworkers. Will you please have dinner with me? I'm joking. I got offered a job
at CNN.
Robin: Oh, congratulations.
Sandy: Congratulations yourself.
Robin: What do you mean?
Sandy: Well, Joel asked me who I thought should replace me as lead anchor. I told him you. They're announcing it
next week. Act surprised.
Robin: Wow. Thanks. And, yes.
Sandy: Yes, what?
Robin: Yes, let's go get dinner.
Sandy: How about this weekend on the camping trip? I roast a mean weenie.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: Oh, you're kidding me. No way. Don't go on this thing.
Robin: Ted, I have to go. It's a company camping trip.
Ted: Really? Because it also kinda sounds like a date. With Sandy... and his weenie. I mean is this not a date?
Robin: I don't-I don't know.
Ted: So, what? You actually like this guy now?
Robin: I don't know.
Ted: Are you gonna hook up with him?
Robin: I don't know.
Ted: Yes, you do.
Robin: No, Ted, I don't. And you know what? That's okay. I don't plan out every second of my life like you do.
Ted: I don't plan out every...
Robin: Oh, really? What is all of this? I mean, why can't you just say, "Hey, Robin, let's go get some sushi?" No, it has
to be a-a string quartet and-and Paris and flowers and chocolates and let's spend the rest of our lives together.
Ted: Don't you think we're a little bit past sushi at this point? God, you are so terrified of anything real. It's like you're
floating out in space. Touch the ground, Robin. Live in the world, make a mistake. Make this mistake.
Robin: I need to think about this.
Ted: Fine.
Robin: No, I'm sorry, I... I can't do this anymore. I need an answer.
Ted: If you want me to say yes right now, I-I can't do that.
Robin: Well, if it's not yes, then it's a no.
Ted: Then I guess it's not meant to be.
At the Bar
Barney: Nice try, buddy.
Good hustle out there.
Marshall: Look at the bright side. At least you got some closure. She's made her choice and you can finally move on.
Ted: Screw that. This ain't over.
Marshall: Ted, you sat here in this very booth and you said...
Ted: I don't care what I said. This is gonna happen. She can't say it's not meant to be. It is meant to be, and you know
why? 'Cause I mean it to be.
(Ted goes away, Barney is following him)
Lily: Unpause?
Marshall: Unpause.
Ted from 2030: Let's pause. See, Marshall and Lily had a rule that at any point during a fight they could pause and
take a break. Their fights often lasted for days.
Marshall: A painting fellowship?
Lily: I was never going to take it.
Marshall: In California?
Lily: I was never going to take it.

Barney: Ted, she is going on that camping trip. Dude, barring some act of God, Robin's gonna be with Sandy this
weekend.
Ted: Fine. If an act of God is what it takes, then an act of God it is.
Barney: What are you talking about?
Ted: I'm gonna make it rain. I can't let Robin go camping with this guy. So how do I keep that from happening?
Simple... I make it rain!
Barney: Ted, do you want me to slap you again? 'Cause I kind of enjoyed it the first time.
Ted: Look, I-I might be crazy right now... No, you know what? I am definitely crazy right now, but I have a plan. That
girl you used to go out with, Penelope, wasn't she getting her PhD in Native American culture?
Barney: Yeah.
Ted: Are you still in touch with her?
Barney: Sure. I mean, even though we stopped having s*x, we still get together, like, once a month to chat and catch
up, and of course I'm not in touch with her!
Ted: Well, you're gonna need to get in touch with her. She's gonna teach me how to do a rain dance.
Barney: Did you just say a "rain dance"?
Ted: Yes.
Barney: A rain dance.
Ted: Yes.
Barney: A dance to make it rain.
Ted: Yes. (Barney slaps him once again and Ted slaps him back. Barney tries again to slaps Ted but he stops
him) We're finding Penelope!
Barney: No, we are not!
Ted: Yes, we are!
Barney: Ted, you're forcing me to be the voice of reason, and it's not a good look for me!
(They both leave the Bar)
Inside a library
Penelope: Why the hell should I help you?

Barney: Come on, I know it didn't work out between us, but we did... have a relationship.
Penelope: We had s*x twice in your car, and then you dumped me. How is that a relationship?
Barney: Twice!
Penelope: Barney, there is no way...
Barney: Shh!
Penelope: Seriously, come on.
Ted: Penelope, I really need to make it rain this weekend.
Penelope: Why?
Ted: There's this girl...
Penelope: "There's this girl." You know, the traditional rain dance is a sacred prayer to nature. I don't think the Great
Spirit looks too kindly on white dudes who co-opt it to get laid.
Ted: Penelope, this is the girl I love. If it doesn't rain this weekend, she's gonna end up with the wrong guy. Please.
Penelope: This wrong guy, is he a huge jackass?
Ted: Absolutely.
Penelope: Kind of like Barney?
Ted: Kind of.
Barney: Hey.
Penelope: You hit on my mom!
Barney: We weren't exclusive!
Penelope: I'm in.
Ted from 2030: And so the three of us headed up to the roof of my building.
On top of the roof of Ted's building
(Barney is drinking a beer while Penelope is teaching Ted how to dance a rain dance)
Penelope: Okay. Crouch down and bend over a little bit.

Barney: Wow, it took five shots of tequila to get you in that position.
Penelope: I will throw you off this roof.
Barney: There's so much of your mom in you.
Robin is at the veterinary with her dog
Robin: And she's been throwing up ever since.
Veterinary: So how'd she manage to eat so much chocolate?
Robin: Remember that guy, Ted, that I was telling you about? Well, I came home and I found him waiting in my
apartment with a string quartet and roses and chocolates...
Veterinary: Oh, that's so sweet.
Robin: Okay, yes, it's sweet in theory, but isn't it also kind of crazy? I mean, a string quartet in my living room... who
does that?
Veterinary: Nobody does that.
Robin: Exactly.
Veterinary: No, honey... nobody does that. But I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic. I'm gonna put my hand up your
dog now.
At the appartment
(Marshall and Lily are fighting)
Lily: So you're saying you would forbid me from going?
Marshall: Forbid? Who said forbid? I was just reminding you that there's this wedding coming up in a couple of
months, and I was kind of hoping you'd save the day. Look for me... I'll be the guy in the awesome suit. Come on, Lily.
It's what you've always wanted.
Lily: Yeah, but there's a lot of things I've always wanted, and I haven't done any of them. I'm sorry. I just need to do
this before settling down forever.
Marshall: So now we've gone from "I was never gonna do it" to "I need to do this"? Did I leave the room at some
point? When did that happen?
Lily: Oh, maybe when you said you wouldn't let me do it.
Marshall: I never said that! You know, if you're having these kind of doubts now, what's gonna change in three
months? Maybe we just shouldn't get married at all.
Lily: Maybe not.
Marshall: Pause.
Lily: So, are you just, like, starving?
Marshall: Totally. Red Lobster?
Lily: Oh, lobster, lobster, lobster, you are delicious!
Marshall: Oh, God, I love butter sauce! There's nothing bad about it. Say something bad about butter sauce, I dare
you.
Lily: I wouldn't dare. (Marshall starts crying) Marshall, no. We're on pause. There's no crying in Pauseland! Pauseland
is a magical place, with... with popcorn shrimp mountains and butter sauce rivers! Damn it!
Waiters: Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy birthday, happy, happy, happy, happy, appy, happy birthday,
happy, happy...
On top of the rooftop of Ted's building
(Ted is dancing)
Barney: Ted, this is funny. Still funny. Still fu... And now it's sad.
Ted: Hey, Penelope, you sure I'm doing this right?
Penelope: I think so.
Ted: Does it, uh, look anything like a real rain dance?
Penelope: I think so.
Ted: Hey, Penelope, have you, uh, have you ever actually seen a rain dance performed?
Penelope: No.
Ted: No?
Penelope: I've read extensively on the subject: firsthand accounts, theoretical criticism, the anthropological...
Ted: Have you ever seen a rain dance?
Penelope: I've seen a film strip.
Ted: Terrific. Uh, look, I should run. I'm getting brain surgery from some guy who's seen a couple episodes of E.R. I
can't believe this. We've been up here for the past hour making complete asses of ourselves.
Penelope: What do you mean "we," white man?
At the appartment
Marshall: How did we get here? Couple of days ago, the biggest problem in my life was, did Ted eat the last pudding
snack pack in the fridge.
Lily: I think there's still one left.
Marshall: Dibs.
Lily: Unpause?
Marshall: Unpause.
Lily: Look... I know this sucks. It's just something I'm going through. I'm not asking you to understand it. I'm not
asking you to be happy about it. I'm just asking you to support it.
Marshall: I want to, Lily, okay? I really do. But I just can't.
Lily: Why not?
Marshall: Because you're scaring the hell out of me, that's why not. What if you decide to go be a painter and then
you realize I don't fit in to your life anymore, and three months becomes forever? Can you promise me that that's not
gonna happen?
Lily: Marshall...
Marshall: 'Cause if you can't promise me that, we shoul just break up right now. I'm not gonna wait around for three
months just to have my heart ripped out.
Lily: Marshall, I love you.
Marshall: Can you promise me that that's not gonna happen?
Lily: Pause.
Marshall: No, Lily, we cannot pause this anymore. Can you promise me that that's not gonna happen?!
Lily: Pause!
Marshall: Why do you want me to pause?! (She throws herself on him et kisses him) That's just a great use of the
pause function, baby.
Lily: Thank you.
On top of the rooftop of Ted's building

Barney: Hey, Ted. Whatcha doing?
Ted: A rain dance.
Barney: Dude, that's not a rain dance, that's a fat kid with a bee in his pants.
Ted: Look, I highly doubt the Great Spirit is a stickler for choreography. It's the thought that counts. She's leaving in
half an hour.
Barney: These are your awesome years. You're wasting them on this girl. This isn't gonna work!
Ted: Yeah. I know that.
Barney: Well, then why are you doing this?
Ted: Because I love her. I love her! I told her that the first night we went out, and here it is, eight months later, and
nothing's changed. So yes, I know this isn't gonna work. But it has to work! You hear me, universe? This is Ted Mosby
talking! Give me some rain! Come on! Come on! Come on...!
(Rain starts falling down)
Barney: Oh, come on!
In the street
Weather man: Pushing the front back into the Tri-State area and giving Manhattan one of its worst storms in over a
decade.
At the Bar
Barney: How about that? He did it.
(Barney and Penelope kiss)
In front of Robin's building
(Ted goes out of a taxi et calls Robin while the rain is still falling down)
Ted: Robin! Hey, Robin! (Robin opens up her window) Oh, thank God you're here!
Robin: My camping trip got rained out.
Ted: I know. I'm sorry.
Robin: It's not your fault.
Ted: Yeah, it is. Come down here.

Robin: It's pouring. You come up.
Ted: No, you have to come down here.
Robin: Why?
Ted: Why? Because I made it rain, that's what I did today! And that's enough. I-I've done my part. Now, get down
here!
Robin: I'm not dressed, Ted. No. Come up.
Ted: I'm not coming up there, Robin, I'm not. You have to come down here!
(She closes her window, opens her entry door et finds Ted there)
Robin: I was gonna...
Ted: I know.
(They kiss)
Ted from 2030: And that's how Robin and I ended up together. Turns out, all I had to do was make it rain. As I rode
home the next morning, the city looked the same, the people looked the same. It all looked the same. But it wasn't.
In just one night, everything had changed.
(Ted arrives in front of his building and finds Marshall sitting down the stairs, with Lily's engagement ring in his hand)
[END]

How I Met Your Mother - Season 01

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How I Met Your Mother - Season 01

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CONTENTS

03 - Sweet Taste of Liberty

04 - Return of the Shirt

09 - Belly Full of Turkey

10 - The Pineapple Incident

14 - Zip, Zip, Zip

17 - Life Among the Gorillas

18 - Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M.

19 - Mary the Paralegal

20 - Best Prom Ever

[Title: The Year 2030]

Son: Are we being punished for something?

Daughter: Yeah, is this going to take a while?

(Music Plays, Title "How I Met Your Mother" appears)

Marshall: (Opens ring) Will you marry me.

Marshall: (laughs) yeah, sorry. We thought you were asleep.

Marshall: Yeah, what are you doing tonight?

Ted: Hey, you wanna do something tonight?

Ted: I did that one time.

Barney: It was a blazer!

(Barney hits Ted)

[Cut to Flashback the night Barney and Ted met]

[Still in the Bar]

Ted: Oh, right. Hi.

Ted: I'm not wearing a suit.

Ted: You're my best friend, Barney.

Ted: (To Yasmine) Hi, I'm Ted.

Ted: It's a very pretty name.

Yasmine: Thanks, It's Lebanese.

Marshall: Yes, I am.

Marshall: I can handle this; I'm full of surprises tonight.

Lily: So there's more surprises? Like what?

[Cut to the bar, Ted is chatting with Yasmine]

Yasmine: So do you think you'll ever get married?

Yasmine: Actually, I think it's cute.

Lily: Aw-honey. Champagne! (hands it to Marshall)

Marshall: (after short silence) Yeah. (hands it back)

Marshall: I'm not scared.

Lily: Then open it!

Marshall: (To Lily) will you marry me?

Ted: (To Yasmine) you wanna go out sometime?

(Scene split ends, and returns to Lily and Marshall's scene)

[Cut to Scene with Ted and Yasmine at bar]

Yasmine: I'm sorry; Carl's my boyfriend (points to bartender)

Ted: Sup, Carl?

Marshall: I promised Ted we wouldn't do that.

Lily: aww (claps. They kiss)

Marshall: (covers mouth) OH!

Barney: (ignoring) how does Carl land a Lebanese girl?

Barney: Exactly-the guy doesn't even own a suit!

Narrator: and there she was.

(The Bar-Focusing on Ted and Robin)

Ted: Hey Barney, see that girl?

(Breif cut-out portion)

Barney: (to Robin) Hey, have you met Ted?

Robin: Let me guess, (points) Ted?

(Taxi on the way to hospital)

Cabdriver: Whoa, whoa, whoa-did you hit her?