depth affects

like a voice that sounds deep, it's a voice that reflects itself in some waves or
in the glass or something that has a deeper relationship
and it is in that relationship that the beauty is reflected

I wonder if there are beautiful things in the world of mirrors

I wonder if there are wonderful things in the world of mirrors
beautiful and wonderful
aesthetics and curiosity
Openness to experience, Feminine Openness
I (doubt, only what I can speak about, subjectivity, relativity, receptivity,
relation)
I wonder (mind, state, curiosity, broaden, accommodate) (like an ocean, like the
space, like mindfulness)
The whole
I wonder if (hypothesis, hypothetical, counterfactual, imagination, wonder's
relation to imagination, Openness)
I wonder if there (existence, quantify, not here, pointing, context, absorb,
immerse)
I wonder if there are (existence, quantify, being, properties, substance)
I wonder if there are beautiful (aesthetics, beauty, search for beauty, aesthetic
experience, wonderment, wonder zest, desire)
I wonder if there are beautiful things (object, entities, metaphysical, plural,
assortment, variety, mechanical, static)
I wonder if there are beautiful things in (containment, vessel, part, context,
world, inside, absorption, immersion)
I wonder if there are beautiful things in the (determinant, known, reference,
determination, definite description)
I wonder if there are beautiful things in the world (possibility, alternative,
otherness, collection, ecosystem, whole, unity, common sense, self-evident)
I wonder if there are beautiful things in the world of (part, material, belong,
property)
I wonder if there are beautiful things in the world of mirrors (reflect, surface,
apparent depth, appearance, pretence, listening, replica, model, knowledge
instinct)
I wonder if there are wonderful things in the world of mirrors (alliteration,
correcting, open a world, imagination, surprise, curiosity, exploration, rarity,
colors, dimensions, implications, memory, visiting, desire, candy, light, small
(sublime)) (wonder as mood?)

My self in the world of mirrors makes a bored face, just like I do

My self (the self, mine, in the world of mirrors, not other, but my self,
intersubjectivity!)
My self in the world of mirrors makes a bored face (lack of contentment for the
current state of affairs, dull, desire, restlessness, task negative network, not
engaged in something intersting)
My self in the world of mirrors makes a bored face, just like I do (exact, same,
reflect, gesture, see, observe, inference to mental properties, acts in the same
way)

This is what I have access to

But can I potentially have access to much more than what I have already?
To things that I personally value
This involves an assessment about my attitude with respect to what I'm observing

I want to reach but something obstructs

That is the wings of imagination are cut short by the inability of the present to
render the actuality of my desire! :D
A simulation in other words but here it's much more than just that, it's about
caring for your readers, stating your desire but describing your current standing
making a contrast, making them aware of the difficulties currently face

It's about her relating herself to the book, it's about a personal identification
within the looking glass..
That it perfectly reflects her world that is itself reflected within
it's like double symmetry, symmetry of wholes and symmetry of parts
and the domain she's using is her whole world, her current present, the situation
she's living
In the same way that Alice would wonder if there are beautiful things
she wonders if there are wonderful things (though both of them are hers though
still mirror like) * (though it would be more impressive if it was that way)
while you do this I do that... (beautiful) (model, reality, understanding)

the use of my self is a sophisticated use (she's not saying I do that.. but rather
my self does it just like it happens in the book)
When she says I wonder if there... she's bringing her means as the first thing
(that's why it's important to make feelings the first part of the conversation,
because they reflect the means, or well the difference between the perceived and
the expected) (but here though she goes from the expected to the perceived, and the
expected is mentioned through emotions of wonderment and the perceived is mentioned
through emotions of ennui) (there's a bridge to be filled) (it goes from abstract
to concrete) (from unrealized to realized) (from distance to proximity)
Is there a reason for this?
Maybe she gives priority to what she wants (I suppose we all do in some way) (we
are end-fixed)

The same bored face as the person in this boring world (just notice the use of
language, bored face and boring world, they are different forms of the verb to
bore, insofar as adjectives) (same and as get the idea just right) (this boring
world establishes the contrast ) (also she's speaking of herself in the third
person) (as the person in this boring world) (speaking with distance about herself)
(which might reflect her desire again to know the beautiful things in the world of
mirrors)

(notice it's all refreshing, just like a mirror, ti's beautiful, it's cool, the
voice sets that, wonder sets that, space and mindfulness sets that, the dispotiion
to accomodate and to bracket sets that, though not worrying about the being bored
currently so that is way this is the backdrop, a refreshing backdrop)

I wonder why alice thought the world of mirrors was different from ours
apparently she took the desire as if it was her own (perhaps one of her actual
desires)
and then now dissasociates herself from it
So she's trying to understand Alice from the inside
And how this reflects her world
So it's all in the purpose
her desire to understand, to learn! that Journey!
The journey of understanding
using the same format as above just slightly different
I wonder why.. (it's no longer a counterfactual situation)
it's about the reasons behind

No. She saw that the world was reversed, and she wondered
if the smoke coming from the fireplace was real

This first of all reveals us why she thought Alice could have wondered the world of
mirrors as distinct from ours, and thus as wonderful and beautfiul
In other words she's searching, she's looking for an answer
It is this inquiry, this search that characterizes her! :D
But she's making here a distinction, that she might not care about the whole world
of mirrors, but about the specific smoke that came from the fireplace

is reversed smoke real?

(maybe it's the order, she now stars with the observation and then goes to ask if
the fire is real in the world of mirrors) (instead of the way around of starting
with the wonder and asking if the fire could exist that is instantiate the wonder)

But even in the world of mirrors, I'm still making a bored face.. That side might
be boring too (therefore if one starts from the observations and goes to the
wonderment then one might conclude that the world of mirrors is not that different
that the other side is boring too, as that is more probable or that's what's at
focus in the object of "might")

That's why it all makes sense

because Zakuro is not speaking about herself (only perhaps figuratively) (she's
speaking about her insofar as Alice) (and the substitution process, or basically
the concretization of the abstractions is her way to make sense of it, see much
like in a computer program.. she tries to read the code by making the appropriate
substitutions in the various applications... Just like in mathematics giving
specific values to the operations, or like in engineering tinkering with the
various geefaws or however they are called of the contraption
but now linked to the humanities, to the understanding of the human (equivocation
lol), but still see she makes the process concrete, she simulates it and if
something goes wrong in the simulation she asks, if something is abmiguous she
asks, she tries to understand why the contradictions make sense, why her
perspective makes sense by constructing models, that is concretions (however
abstract in some level) but concrete for the sake of understanding them! (or unless
of course if treated patronizingly)
(I want to read S/Z)

That's what I think

The world of mirrors is just like this one (in both levels of course)
note also that the world of miirrors is a tricky world.. (it has lots of
connotations) (I fucking love literature!!!!!)
but you see it's stepping up from the narrowed world, from the application, from
her journey, from her musing, from her experiment
It's an integration it's the end of the aesthetic experience, it's the quieting of
the internal voice like Virginia Woolf would say, it's the synchrony between model
and reality, between map and territory, it's the current resolution of the problem,
is the new gained understanding

The world of mirrors is just like this one (again using the format of the face
being just like) (just like.. see) (and so the world of mirrors is just like this
one)

But to Alice, the world of mirrors looked like a wonderful place (she's describing
the difference and her current understanding and her inability to bridge the gap
between the way Alice saw things and the way she see things, even though she did
understand some things the gap remains, there's still a but, there's still
discussion, there's still fight)

To alice it's wonderful because she has her ideas, because she relates it to a
model that makes sense to her, because she's fascinated and enthralled by the way
this all communicates with her imaginary! With her theoretical ideas, with her
system, with how it triggers her insofar as organism, insofar as this dynamic
structure) (the model of latent variables and theoretical constructs, about
imagination, and the possibilities it entails, that despite going from observations
to the unknown she still wonders, because it does not come from her objective but
it is a result from her observation, or that is why I believe she doesn't really
see why Alice thinks it's a wonderful place or it might be that she relates it to
her world and she's unable to grasp why would anyone find that wonderful place to
be so wonderful or for such a place to exist in the first place, because she
doesn't yet have such an experience even though she does realize that she does have
a wonder and zest for that, she has curiosity but she does not believe that this
could be realized, that is to Alice looked like a wonderful place even though she
didn't thought of it as different or necessarily different and that is why she's
confused maybe she's not attending to the inner life of Alice or perhaps it's
really contradictory..

She addresses mamiya-kun, that is she approaches Mamiya-kun because he tends to

generate certain kinds of positive feelings, or because she has a reference goal
that in the end increases her benefits or decreases her losses (perhaps from being
bored, or because of liking Mamiya-kun, or because of curiosity for Mamiya-kun or
for some combination of these three) (and therefore ultimately in relationship with
what happens above, and perhaps some desire to understand Mamiya-kun, though I
doubt that was the reason approached him or because of previous experiences of
trying to understand people) (but either way she has somewhat of a person-
orientation)

She backs away slightly when Mamiya does not recognize her and she feels insecure
and doesn't know how to react so she says "Uh... Umm..." while she processes the
new state of affairs given the psychological entropy that has increased in her
system
In addition he was smoking and this increases the entropy even more because she
recognizes him not as a low life and in past experience low lifes have produced her
negative emotions (and therefore she tries to avoid low lifes) (see classical
conditioning) however she still feels she has reasons to thikn that Mamiya-kun
might not be a low life but she's not so sure about that because of the increase in
psychological entropy
Moved by the psychological entropy she doubts, she falters: "Wh-What a coincidence
seeing you here." It is indeed a coincidence, it has a familiar style but because
of the faltering it feels kind of forced like if that was her behavior at trying to
reduce the inapproachability of Mamiya-kun in the first place as trying to make a
rapport with Mamiya-kun, and also a way to escape from the strangeness of that
place where Mamiya-kun might be the only person she recognises
disinterested response came back at her (unlike what she expected) (so it's kind of
difficult, might feel as frustration) (and she'll respond trying to probe further
or get angsty and leave)
"He might be harder to get along than I thought" (that means that she's
experiencing a negative emotion, though who knows what emotion, maybe anger? or
sadness?)

she sometimes uses the word strange (to denote something that goes differently from
expected) (she uses a lot of but and and?)
she might overuse adjectives?
she's shy (she tends to withdraw and she's introverted and therefore reserved) and
she hates lowlifes (she's neurotic |ultra-aware of negative stimuli| and has had
previous bad life experiences)
and someone smoking here, at a time like this, might be the kind of person who
would hurt her (that person might be a lowlife)
Despite all those reasons she talked to him
Or in other words to her, he was much more valuable than all that and she didn't
understood why she thought it like that (why is he more valuable than all that?
isit because he induces curiosity? is she in love? [I doubt that it's because she's
avoiding strangers, but could be - because she might feel uncomfortable not talking
with someone, but I don't think so])

First she doubted if it was sensible but at the end she asked him if he was a
lowlife because that was what was at her consciousness at that moment, and so she
used that thought to talk to him, or in other words she didn't constraint herself
especially perhaps because of a lack of things to say and he was expecting at first
that he'd say something else but since he didn't she said that.. and even though at
first he reacted as he wouldn't take it well her anxiety drove her forward ignoring
whatever he was signaling

when he responded negatively then she led the conversation to the observations she
made to come up with those conclusions
Or the support of those conclusions is an obstacle to her naively accepting his
unargued refutation
so observations-conclusion?
but nope according to him since he gets bullied and everyone thinks he's disgusting
and of course she gives most importance to what he says about he thinking that
everyone thinks he's disgusting
however she does with as little assumptions as possible, that is asking it directly

disgusting? (as a good listener, not someone who wants to dominate the
conversation) (and of course as someone who keeps thoughts to herself, and who's
kind of anxious of revealing them but who might nonetheless do it at the end) (and
she's also paraphrasing him, slightly, by taking some keywords, and by following
the garden path rather than caring about what matters) (and by paraphrasing him
she's also noticing her flow and when she sees that the flow doesn't work as well
because she can't process then she asks a question about it, that is when her
understanding is not going well at some point in the evaluation of what he said)

since he didn't respond

she added something more "But I think you have a really pretty face"
she's signaling her difference to him about what she thinks about him
so when he says that he's disgusting because of all of that
she asks if that's his conclusion though aimlessly and she wanders back to what he
said initially and takes the other part of what he said instead of construing a
strawman and argues that he's no longer bullied
in other words she is testing every part of what he said
and now he's wondering about his power relative to others and this led her
awareness to the fact that he's carrying a knife and now she asks about him
carrying a knife, and thus she asks about the observation and the conclusion
It's because I'm an otaku he responds
Since she's totally befuddled she asks Huh?
when repeats himself slightly more verbosely
she responds by asking "really?"
in both cases still befuddled (so perhaps a rule) (but really is not as taken aback
as huh, it's like if there was a reciprocation)
she doesn't know how to test the hypothesis at the moment
so she just wonders if that's true (therefore she doesn't know how to proceed and
lets him expand on the details)

again since he said something that did not go with her test
then she says "but you don't wear glasses" (but xyz) (where xyz is readjusted)
the test also involves simulation and the imagination thus
then how can you see?

he mentions how it's all wrong

and then she asks
by framing it in some way:

isn't that a problem? (a kind of paraphrasing in some frame) (it's a frame that
involves a solution and all that)
(she minimizes the amount of what she says by asking if it's a problem)
but he answers by saying that there are people who are bette'r off blind suggesting
that the benefits of being "blind" are greater than the losses he mentioned earlier
she asked that because she saw a contradiction in him not wearing glasses, that
causing problems and at the same time not trying to solve the problem
he restates his motivation

reframing instead of narrowing :D

And so she arrives at an understanding! and it makes it all worth

it's like if she's in search of an aesthetic experience
"I felt that I could understand it.
The reason why I called out to him...
The boy who carries a knife because he's an otaku...
Who doesn't get his glasses fixed because he doesn't want to see...
I know him.
No... I know his world (she understands his world) (imprecise => precise)
xyz No.. zyx (this she did before)
it's just like the world of mirrors (his world is like)
your world is mine
it reflects beautifully. That world reflects me.
My boring face...
The me reflected in the world of mirrors is also...
Boring (me and the me reflected, that's the reason for both of them)
Understanding is also thus about intersubjectivity

In part she thinks that he reflects her but at the same time she has some doubts
it's just like the model of the knowledge instinct and aesthetic appreciation.

I wonder... Right now, I can't really think like that... I kind of... Wouldn't mind
if the two could live on happily... and be happy forever. That's... What I thought
when I talked to Mamiya-kun. That the world could be happy... That you could be
happy... (mamiya-kun I suppose) That's what I wanted to pray for.
(she values happiness, and the happiness of others even if her life is not
necessarily happy) (she's empathetic thus unlike Mamiya-kun)
x y z conclusion z y x

I absentmindedly looked out the window (how wonder begins, at first there's
nothing)
someone was walking across the schoolyard (until she recognizes a movement of a
person)

Why's he out there (two things: it goes against her model of her world and it also
means that she has to substitute in order to understand, make it concrete that is,
to test it to reframe it)

What is he doing? (in general terms: movement of her model) (she narrows it
slightly, what is he doing... and this raises further questions)

Is he going behind the school? (more concretely: movement of her model) ( is he

going behind the school? she's not precisely sure about what she's observing
because this conflicts with other of her assumtions) (or surprise motivates her)

and her consciousness moves likewise: "actually that's where the old pool is" "it
looked like he was carrying a bunch of books" backlinking to her other questions
and in a sense giving surprises to her question of where is he going and what is he
doing

where's he going? doesn't he have class? raising the question because the books
he's carrying and the incompatibility between that and the old pool

doesn't he have class? finding other absurdities to the whole thing, and testing
those absurdities oh indeed the clock agrees with it being an absurdity
... therefore he's skipping class yada yada
and linking that with other observations she's made
apparently he skips classes a lot
though i'm in a different class, so I don't really know how often he skips (only
apparently, but she isn't sure, she's not falling into the bias of assuming that
she's correct)

Understanding the intention of mamiya takuji involves in part knowing what is that
he's doing because the intention is the internal representation of the performance
that one is executing through one's actions

intention has a relation to the future of course therefore when he does something
that just leads to what he'll do next..
"is he going behind the school?"

Actually, that's where the old pool is...

It looked like he was carrying a bunch of books

"where's he going? Doesn't he have class?" it's a behavior whose intention is

probably not the common intention

since that's not the case then you try some other behavior from teh behavioral
repertoire or the first behavior is extinguished and so you search for an
alternative, in this case "Maybe he's skipping class?", that's your alternative
hypothesis
apparently, he skips classes a lot (not sure from where does that follow perhaps
from the one instance or from a previous instance she hasn't yet mentioned but'll
mention after

"though I'm in a different class, so I don't really know how often he skips"
implying that she's searching for a reason to backup the claim that apparently, he
skips classes a lot and by not finding such support then she might retract such
claim but on the other hand he also said that his grades are terrible and he skips
classes all the time... so she does have at the end a reason to suspect that (so
maybe that was why she could find that idea so easily because it was just there
behind the idea that he apparently, skips classes a lot.

Then she went on to analyse the part that he said that his grades were bad and then
she wonders how bad as in testing his claim most likely because of how she responds
latter: "Well, if he's skipping class all the time, they can't be all that great"
in other words she responds by backlinking and then returns back to the problem
saying that she has a reason to suspect that his grades aren't good.. (and so it's
a kind of pause the backlinking, the reflecting..) :) (but see she always wonders
or starts with a question)

she pays attention to the things she sees and asks about each one
including "why does he have to walk in the shadows" which is part of what she
noticed", which might be involved in his intention for whatever he's doing. And
here's she's asking about a specific aspect of his intention
but what's important to highlight is that she doesn't care about blaming, but about
understanding

and she starts this musing by thinking of others and not so much about himself (so
that might be a difference between her and him, she thinks about what others think
about her, while he thinks about himself, but that's just a possibility of a
tendency will have to be explored as the story develops)

"He would stand out if he walked across the middle of the schoolyard, but either
way, it's not like people aren't going to see him"
so it's contradictory to that idea, to a deafult idea? so she has to search for
another idea to find the truth

note though that the difference might matter and is subtle between that question
and the one that follows
"why's he walking in the sadows?", she's no longer askinng why does he *have to*
but why he's doing it, why it is so.. which means that it's probably more like
inside-out in terms of improv, as in he doing it not for others but for himself
(where as have to is related to how others interpret it, the expectations of the
rest and him thus being seen by other people) and thus it's more of a personal
decision than a need to do so (a social need especially, it's just a representation
of himself though it still amounts to a need: heat in this case)

"What was he going the other direction for?" after she noticed that he once again
disappeared behind the school
which might just remind her of the former question she did but now applied to the
other side;.. klike being primed perhaps, she has this available to her and so she
wonders why

then she thinks about place: "the front gate is on the opposite side of the school
from teh back courtyard" (in the exact same way as she did it the other time,
thinking about the swimming pool)

and she summarizes by connecting these two: "going back and forth between the main
gate and the back courtyard" (because it's happened more than once)

a summary after the opposite is dissected

"Now that I think of it..."

There's a bicycle rack outside the front gate
The time between him disappearing and showing up again was too long for him to just
be going to the front gate
Which would make the bicycle rack his most likely destination
(she could be demonstrating her reasoning, starting by some kind of solution like
"there's a bicycle rack outside the front gate" that actually comes from the time
between him disappearing and showing up again "once she had thought that he was
going back and forth between the main gate and the back courtyard (in that sense
it's kind of contradictory that he goes to the main gate therefore that causes some
kind of exception and makes her think ohh maybe there's some other reason, he took
a long time soooo mmmm.... what could there be at the front gate.. enumerate
enumerate, oh I know!! the bicycle rack :D and that's how she went in her thinking
process and then she used that idea of him disappearing for so long as a way to
support her hypothesis that he went to the bicycle rack and so she concludes "which
would make the biccyel rack his mpost likely destination))

but now she has to connect this small conclusion to the greater whole (from
narrowing to broadening)

so that means...
"maybe he's carrying something from the bicycle rack?" which might work in view of
all the rest (since it's several trips that he's making) (and you don't go to a
place and return many times just to experience that place but it has to be
something that is fragmented that isn't whole, that isn't complete, that needs many
trips, and that connects both places through locomotion and with respect to an
object it means moving, moving that object, so for that use of locomotion,
importing or exporting are both possible solutions.. Though I suppose there are
other reasons for locomotion that also involve some state of affairs that is
incomplete and that requires a connection between two places (like message passing,
an inefficient plan, two things that need to be satisfied simultaneously because
they're constantly exhausting or dying out or withering that he needs to keep them
alive so to speak, though who knows what that might be (perhaps cooking in two
places?) but something that has to be attended at both places or something that has
to be attended at only one place but that needs from the other part but the other
part cannot be brought in its entirety at once.

so for some reason she knows that he brought some books (perhaps he knows him from
before) and now he's carrying them somewhere?

but that's the point you know that there's something that still amiss in the
picture where is he bringing them to?
"But where's he bringing them to?"
"I don't think tehre's any place to put books over in that direction..."
by that she exemplifies
"I don't think there's a library or a warehouse or anything over there..."

she feels slightly guilty now for not doing what she had expected to do: pay
attention to class "I just ended up drawing more boring pictures." "I wasn't
listening at all" "I accidentally scribbled all over my math notes." in part
narrativistically it matters for it shows that she was exercising her negative task
network by wandering and wondering, so to characterize her. And thus she couldn't
keep with her demands or the demands of the teacher, the shcool, or her
responsibility, and it also points to her deviance in spite of her willingness to
not deviate as it foreshadowing the subsequent non-attendance from her part: all of
this narrativistically of course. But the point is that she's careless, didn't
regulate herself as she should have, and feels disappointed with herself for not
keeping up with the expectations but she also finds amusing what she draw and feels
that that's why everyone thinks she's creepy "Hahahaha... that'"s why everyone says
I'm creepy", once again demonstrating the temporality and the transition between
states separated by time with every new piece of dialogue that reveals something
that wasn't revealed before

which isn't exactly part of her personality but you could use that element to
better illustrate her: how her thoughts change based on what she notices as time
goes on.

but you know it's also important to be aware that she's saying "everyone says I'm
creepey", here again she displays an other-orientation, she cares about what others
think of her and she lets them define her and she blames herself for the things she
do but also finds herself at fault for not being able to change in the way she
would hoped to so she's hard on herself (and well all of this serves to illustrate
one day of her life so to speak)

then she connects this situation with the larger whole

"I won't be able to use my notes to study with all these scribbles on them... I
guess I'll have to throw this notebook away and get a new one" Or in other words
the use of notes is not accessible at the moment for the greater purpose of
studying that was emphasized by the teacher and which she readily agreed with
(rather than questioning the teacher say about intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation
and the like) (but could also meran that she doesn't see school as intrinsically
valuable but something she has to do for the sake of others) but still maybe it's
just some worrying that she won't be able to use those notes for the future that
might soon come, and thus of course demonstrating that she's at least slightly
neurotic, worrying and all that about the future, because she pays attention to the
negative aspects not only of that but of course of her drawing silly pictures or
not attending to class or scribbling over her notes. In other words an unpalatable
situation, one that she hopes she could change perhaps in some way, which leads to
her revisionism: "I guess I'll have to throw this notebook away and get a new one"
so as to change the situation but in a "have to" sense which means some
responsibility towards what she has to do, this sense that the ideas of others
matter or that her academic performance and thus her reputation or her future
matters too but that she's not caring enough because of not being able perhaps
since she gets to distracted but she wants to change her situation either way so
it's mostly some exasperation combined with some amount of worry and sure self-
pitying

"Eh? Ah, yes?" after being called by Megu: "Takashima!",

which means she was slightly spacing out so she was surprised when she wasd called
and so she reified by adding to the eh? a yes?, as in first a confusion remark and
then as in what's your demand?

so that's why she leads to asking why she's spacing out to what Zakuro responds by
apologizing as interpreting that the asking for a reason is a demand for a
justification as in seen in deviance with what it's expected of her and that one
would desire that she didn't space out, and the interpretation of course comes
from the fact that she's more likely to attend to the negative and see herself as
problematic (and thus she has in this sense a low self-esteem which reflects more
than anything her low social influence that occurs because of how others treat her
mostly and how they simply go against her needs (say, of freedom, love, and power)
so in that sense she perceives others as being controlling, hostile, and of which
she has to be dependent of (especially with respect to their expectations)

and she's also taken aback by the perceived negativity of her friend demanding for
an explanation of her behavior

she always says eh? when surprised or Oh, uh or um uh...

and that happens a lot, apparently the world is quite unpredictable
and she might feel some slight amount of fear that this unpredictability might lead
to her getting punished somehow (especially around strangers or other people)

"Like I said, there's a concert in Raika. Do you have a ticket?" this means that
there's a good reason for Megu to think that she was spacing out, perhaps she asked
before or maybe it's just a way for her to gaslight her.. or who knows maybe she
just noticed she was spacing out... though who knows second and third hypotheses
might work though I don't think Megu would gaslight her... so perhaps Zakuro did
space out..

maybe Raika is a CD store

but one thing is certain, both are into music

"Raika? Oh, yeah. The concert at the CD store, I have one."

"first she half-asks-for-confirmation: Raika?; to herself perhaps as in processing
what she said.. then she says Oh, yeah. by confirming. And then "the concert at the
CD store, I have one", this makes it all meaningful as in why she asked Raika? in
the first place and that is because, she wasn't so sure she understood what it
meant but after some pause she knew oh yes I know what you're talking about (so
from uncertainty to certainty) (from worry to relaxation): so this leads to her
restating what she said in her own words "the concert at the CD store", "I have
one".. from uncertainty to being self-assured..

but that also means that she's not caring too much about what she should say but
whether she understands it in the first place that she might not notice that Megu
is just manipulating her (or she might but she perhaps prefers to defer and hence
the pause..) between her own words and "I have one" but it's not very well
understood...

"Oh, I see. I couldn't get a ticket, since I didn't get to the CD store soon
enough."
she's making her worries explicit of her not getting a ticket and faking some
amount of sorrow so that zakuro would pity her and crave to her implicit demands

and then Zakuro questions her if that's really the case by saying "Really?" perhaps
because she doesn't want to give her ticket but then Megu changes her inflection
and respods angrily so Zakuro perhaps because of that decides to give her her own
ticket so that she doesn't suffer as she did in the past..

"I-I think there were still tickets. I went there yesterday too." and this provides
the explanation of why she's questioning her, the fact that there were still
tickets in Raika and that perhaps she's just being lazy but at the same time Zakuro
is being reluctant to saying that so she's approaching it slowly and thus she
falters when saying I-I because she's not so sure saying that is a good idea, and
tries to use unassertive language by syaing "I think" instead of "there were"
making it sure that it's only her perspective but her own inflection might be
perceived by Megu and this will lead to some profiting from her current state...
and Zakuro has pretty much failed so to speak but she doesn't know how to act so as
to not lose her ticket to Megu and also this is a change from saying Really? to
saying I-I, like she's aware now that she might be triggering some land mines and
understanding that there might be some intention behind what Megu wants to say..
though it's not necessarily obvious what might it be but who knows what Zakuro
thinks.

"No way, there weren't any" no longer a need to be punitive, so she doesn't feel a
need to be angry at her because she sees that she's being more uncertain and all
that

yet Zakuro is still argumentative and doesn't want to yet let it go but doesn't
know exactly how to defend herself because she feels her reality was invalidated:
"But..."

Megu: "You must have been mistaken. There weren't any when I went"
in an angry tone

it's clear that Megu doesn't want any discussion to be done about that, since she
doesn't want to fail to it and so she recurs to violence which is for her more
simpliciter.. and she uses an assertive language "you must have been mistaken.
THere weren't any when I went" speaking about mistakes and about being right
instead of perspectives like Zakuro

so she defers "Oh, yeah..." to avoid any further confrontation

"Jeez, even though you got one." now Megu is complaining and making Zakuro's
favorable circumstances explicit so that she gives in and gives her a ticket..
because also it's not obvious that Zakuro is getting the meaning of Megu wanting
Zakuro to give her a ticket (Zakuro might be confused as to what Megu wants or
maybe she just doesn't want to argue about Megu's worldview..)
and now recognizing that Megu is complaining, Zakuro can see that there is a want
behind Megu's desire (confirming that perhaps it's clear that Zakuro didn't
understand her and find her anger kind of conflicting)

Zakuro: "Y-Yeah...", "Akasa-san. Do... Do you want my ticket?" (though she falters
slightly since she's not so sure about saying it but probably because of deference
to Akasa-san though maybe also because of losing her ticket)

after Megu's confirmation, Zkauro expresses with quite a few pauses: "Okay.. then
'll give it to you.. . I'll bring it tomorrow", or in other words she perhaps feels
sadenned or slightly conflicted by the future that she's renouncing to

and she keeps her defernece "Yeah." when she sees Megu happy, she knows thus that
she might not have much of a problem then..

So Megu's power triumphed, and the ticket Zakruo bought surrendered to Megu's
service

and Zakuro used the submission to gain social influence and avoid a negative
reaction from Megu, and was affiliative to keep that influence (though slightly
superstitiously since it's not clear that it would help)

she hesitates when responding to "We're best friends, you know?"

"Oh, y-yeah..."

"I hesitaed beofre I responded... Her face looked really scary for a second"
not necessarily because of her disagreeing with it (though based on the history of
this it does seem it could be that she did dissent) but it could also be because of
being deferent since Megu looked scary (instead of her looking scary as a
consequence of her hesitation)

"I'm probably safe"

And all this means she wants some safety
but isn't very trusting of the rest since her "friends" are too ambivalent and it's
difficult to get at the core by just trying to guess

"Oh, sure!..." after being asked if she wants to go the bathroom, the "Oh" could
mean some amount of upset for further possible aggression and prospect of emotional
labour and then correcting to "sure!" or just some amount of surprise to not
expecting that she would ask that..

She invited me to the bathroom. She's usually in a good mood when she does that.
She must be happy about the ticket (however this indicates that the second
hypothesis is more probable)

Satoko: Oh, Megu, you're going too?

Sakoko: We'll go too. Tachibana, you too.

first she notices the threats "Kimika always bullies me" "but she's kind of strong
who would never let someone change her mind and she's kind (she's really nice)"
"But I don't really get along with Akasaka Megu or Kitami Satoko"

"So I have to be really careful... I have to be super careful around them."

and thus this might be worrying, because the space is narrow in which she could
appropriately act..

so then Megu starts talking about an old guy that asked if 30,000 yen would be
enough, and Megu saying "Isn't that ridiculous?"

So Zakuro tries to paraphrase in her own words "Y-You mean... he asked you if you
were a prostitute?" because someone wouldn't ask that to anyone but rather to a
prostitute of course...

but since she got ignored she felt she stepped on a landmine and now she's sweating
since she feels that she's getting hated by Megu (enhanced especially because she
feels that she has to be "very careful")
"Maybe she's annoyed because I said something so stupid. Seems like I stepped on a
landmine..."

and well she tries to inauthetnically agree with Megu "...Yeah, disgusting"

Kimika has firm beliefs and when Zakuro once again agrees "Y-Yeah..." she states
the wrong on that

and Zakuro feels questioned so she is taken unexpectedly: "Eh?"

"U-Uh..."

she now feels cornered and doesn't know how to act since now she feels they'll go
all against her, that her insincerity was uncovered and she's now in a catch-22.
but she's also wanting to say something to defend herself without triggering a
landmine..

and then they say weird stuff about her

"Takashima has to be popular with the geezers, right? ... Maid outfits or bunnygirl
outfits.": stuff that depicts her shamefully, that mocks her, but that might not be
true, so in that sense is kind of like teasing but her voice is drowned and they
don't let her speak.. which leads to lower self-esteem perhaps, with a worse view
of herself since she depends on others for her self image.. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Cosplay, right? The one with all the cosplay stuff.

"why" has to do in part with normality...

"Oh, y-yeah..." to not complicate things takashima reponds like that when asked
whether she's heard about cosplay... and she does affirm she knows a bit that it's
called cosplay but not that she's heard much about it (in her imagination)
but people take it too a greater extent than what she intended and so she might
feel frustated by them taking things to an extreme extent and also ashamed of being
seen like that to the extent that she responds impatiently for having her words
mis-taken (as some kind of complaint) saying that "I-I don't really do anything
like that."

"You don't? lol"

"You would be perfect for it lol."

Aha, ahahaha...

she's apparently supposed to laugh and she doesn't understand very well but she
just desperately tries to smile (according to her) maybe she doesn't understand why
she would be perfect for it but she doesn't want to challenge them..

When she saw that, Kimika laughed at me.

Did I mess up again?
this confirming that she's just laughing to conform and not be at the mercy of
others' punishments she thinks: "Here at school, aything I say can turn into a
landmine... I'm always sweating in fear.", she fears Kimika because she laughed at
her even though she was trying to keep calm but she just can't satisfy them all
simultaneously

and this shows why it's not good for her to keep silence: "And of course, silence
is just as bad. I stand out even more if I don't say anything."

so there's very little room for her, for what she can do...

"I prayed for the bell to ring soon." one can clearly read her worrying..

"But she draws manga lol." Satoko

"She draws during class too." Kimika

Zakuro: "No, that's..." (probably saying that it's not manga... something else
perhaps?)

then again confused by them addressing her: Eh? Oh, yeah..." or because she doesn't
agree that it smells like shit or about the nerds being all there... (and she
clarifies in her mind in the same manner starting with well: "Well, there are lot
of mselly guys... and sometimes the women smell too." which is a more complex
flexible thought than what the others are painting

and then following the convo about anime then it goes to:
Satoko: What the hell lol? Why would you draw porn like that, Takshima?

Zakuro: U-Um, for the record... I'm one of the producers and that's kind of...

Watashi wa ichiyou sousaku kede sou yuu no wa

I (wa) a sort of creation idk kind of is..

(I don't really know what that means, it's just a really mysterious statement..)

then megu adds: "I bet she draws those manga where the two guys fuck"

Zakuro retorts: "I-I'm..." wanting to say something that denies that... since she
doesn't want to be seen as that or just that

Satoko: Two guys? Really? What the hell is wrong with those people?

Zakuro: U-Um...: again she wants to add but can't add much, her voice is again
frustrated and then the bell rings

and the conversation is changed to english class

so satoko asks if the next class is english to zakuro

and now feeling to shy and ashamed because of all that and flustered and annoyed:
Zakuro answers: Y-Yeah, it is..." faltering of course

Satoko: No waaaay.

Kimika: What is it?

...
But isn't it Zakuro's turn today too?"
Zakuro:
"Yeah, probably... I'm not sure, but it probably is." again being unassertive

first she says something and then clarifies

"Yeah, probably... I'm not sure, but it probably is." saying what's not and what is
and thus making it clear

and she responds because Kimika knows that she'll be asked her book if she agrees
to it.. and maybe Zakuro by Kimika's deference notices that and that's why she says
probably.. or perhaps she doesn't see it coming... because perhaps she wasn't
paying attention and all that... (or maybe she doesn't want to lie

so...

Satoko: Did you do it?"

Zakuro: Yeah I did it but..." she doesn't know how to defend herself but she wants
to say something (there's something that she's filtering, that she's keeping out
from the discussion.. she doesn't et want to submit so...

let me borrow your notebook.

"Eh? But...

it has to do with her notebook containing stuff she doesn't want others to see...

"But if I give you my notebook..." and it might also be related to not having a
notebook in class and being admonished by her teacher and failing to deliver and
all that.. but since she's freed from not attending by Satoko and Megu's concession
then she's feels freer and says "Sure.." since she doesn't want to keep fighting
all this...

"All right... I'll let you borrow it." when Megu asks really? because she's
affirming it.. so Satoko is pretty happy about it.. Sure...

and of course she disagrees with Satoko's statement: i guess this is what friends
are for! Ahahaha
She doesn't want to put them in bad moods as she says:
"I can't put them in a bad mood over something small like this."

"I'll lose my award for three years of perfect attendance, but still, compared to
what could happen, it's not a big deal."

"So..."

"I guess I have no choice;"

uses her imagination sure this could happen but at the same time this is more
urgent

then she's pinched by Kimika who has strong beliefs about she should act

"Ow!"

After she said that, she pinched my arm for some reason
She didn't seem all that happy about my decision.

Also she won't have what to draw while absent...