Humor for Speakers

from Tom Antion & Associates

Accounting
Ads from Newspapers
Advertising
America
Animals
Banking & Money
Blondes
Bloopers
Brunette
Bumper Stickers
Business
Cats
Church
College
Computers
Consulting
Definitions
Diet
Diplomacy
Dogs
Dreaming & Sleeping
Headlines
Language Differences
Medical & Pharmaceutical

Quotations:
Government
Real Estate and Home
Real Estate Humor Links
Stupidity
Taxes
Taxes (page 2)
Test Humor for Introductions
Bloopers
From Tom Antion & Associates

SPEECH GOOFS

"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job"
--George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

"This is a great day for France!"

--Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering
it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'"
--George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes.
We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks."
--George Bush

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change."
--Dan Quayle

"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is
an island that is right here."
--Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that is."
--Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland."
--William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake
a stick at."
--George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people
are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the
unemployed."
--Ronald Reagan

"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
--Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that
the microphone was already on

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important.
We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
oxygen, that means we can breathe."
--Dan Quayle

"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed."
--Ronald Reagan

AND GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL DEBATES:

Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize.
Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.

FOREIGN GOOFS

"Bite the wax tadpole."

-- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."

-- ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

I am a jelly doughnut"
--English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

"We pray for MacArthur's erection."

--sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

--from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant."

--Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad
ANAL--Original version for Al Nippon Airlines Logo.
Tom's note: How would you like to see that on a 747 coming at you? hahahahaha

MISCELLANEOUS

"I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that."
--Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

"Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been
exposing himself to the people of the United States."
--Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in
1972

"Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18
inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize
for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused."
--correction printed in The Daily Californian

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls
off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing
for the Padres!"
--Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

"I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and
then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your
hands?"
--announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience

They X-Rayed my head and found nothing.

--Jerome "Dizzy" Dean

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this

century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this
century."
-Dan Quayle

And these beauties from the radio:

o Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous
figure.

o When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green
bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

o Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs

from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
Blonde Humor

She was so blonde......

she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
she tried to drown a fish.
she thought a quarterback was a refund.
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
she tripped over a cordless phone.
A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of the
English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally
reached shore hours later, completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked breathlessly, "I don't want to complain, but I think those
other two girls used their arms!..."
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?", asked the Dr. "You have to help
me, I hurt all over", she said. "All over? Be a little more specific". said the Dr. The woman touched her right knee
with her index finger & yelled. "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe,"That even hurts," she cried. The Dr. looked at her thoughtfully for a moment &
asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown. A few
days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the
cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The
shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible
reason said, "Three hundred and fifty two." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally
amazed. "You're right!" he exclaimed. "I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than
any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you.
If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
How are a Budweiser beer bottle and a Blonde alike? They are both empty from the neck up.
Why does a Blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge? They are for those who don't drink!
What do you call a dead Blonde in a closet? 1984 hide and seek champ.
How did the Blonde die ice fishing? She got ran over by the Zamboni.
Why did the Blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate.
Why was the Blonde proud for finishing a puzzle in only six months? The box said "2 to 4 years!"
What did the Blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "I wonder if it's mine?"
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Why do Blondes have "TGIF" written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
Two Blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Linda: "I can't
seem to get this door unlocked!" Sylvie: "Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is
down!"
How does a Blonde change a light bulb? She holds the bulb in the socket and waits for the world to go around.
Cat Humor & Quotes

Before a cat will condescend

To treat you as a trusted friend,
Some little token of esteem
Is needed, like a dish of cream.
--T. S. Eliot
I gave my cat a bath the other day ... they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick
to my tongue, but other than that ..
--Steve Martin
The cat who doesn't act finicky soon loses control of his owner.
--"Morris the Cat"
Garfield's Law: Cats instinctively know the precise moment their owners will awaken ... then they awaken them ten
minutes sooner.
--Jim Davis
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
--Garrison Keillor
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
--W. C. Fields
We have two cats. They're my wife's cats, Mischa and Alex. You can tell a woman names a cat like this. Women
always have sensitive names: Muffy, Fluffy, Buffy. Guys name cats things like Tuna Breath, Fur Face, Meow Head.
They're nice cats. They've been neutered and they've been declawed. So they're like pillows that eat.
--Larry Reeb
Cat: A pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs and patronizes human beings.
--Oliver Herford 1863-1935 American Writer.
A little girl cried. Daddy, Daddy Fluffy is dead. That’s OK dear. Fluffy has gone to Heaven to be with God. What
would God want with a dead cat?
I’m not one of those as can see the cat in the dairy and wonder what she’s there for.
--George Eliot.
What astonished him was that cats should have two holes cut in their skins at the exactly the same places where
there eyes were.
--Georg Christoph Lichtenberg 1712-1799
It is not worthwhile to go around the world to count the cats in
--Zanzibar. Thoreau.
Ignorant people think it’s the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravation, but it ain’t so; it’s the sickening
grammar they use.
--Mark Twain.
One of the striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
--Mark Twain.
Headline Humor

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Boys Cause As Many Pregnancies As Girls

Stiff Opposition Expected To Casketless Funeral Plan

Hospitals Are Sued By Seven Foot Doctors

Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction

Yellow Snow Studied To Test Nutrition

Scientists Note Progress In Herpes Battle; Ear Plugs Recommended

Antique Stripper To Demonstrate Wares At Store

Sadness Is No. 1 Reason Men And Women Cry

Mayor Says D.C. Is Safe Except For Murders

Check With Doctors Before Getting Sick

Neighbors Said Sniper Not Very Neighborly

Court Rules That Being A Jerk Is Not A Crime

Bumpersticker Humor

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
All men are Idiots, and I married their King!
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
My kid can beat up your honor student.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
I Brake For Hallucinations.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Wink, I'll do the rest!
No Radio - Already Stolen
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Few women admit their age, Few men act it!
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering..
Forget about World Peace......Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity, or give me something else.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekasion
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?
Language Difference Humor

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American ad campaign:

"Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not
discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female
horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close
phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely
translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring
your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When
smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means
"it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets
to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang
for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and
embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass.
Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead
of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in
another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a
caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in
slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving
requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its
name.
Definition Humor

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was
responsible.
Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from
extensive use. (And it only happens when you only have $.23 cents in your wallet)
GOOD Job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they
will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in
the class; the rest were just tourists."
Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode).
Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.
SnailMail: "REAL" mail that the post office actucally sends
PS. In the US, Personal snail mail has dropped 10% because of email
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the
kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. ARE YOU ONE?
Computer Humor

Remember the bookkeeper

Perched on the stool,
Green eye-shade tilted,
Quill for a tool?
It wasn't too fast,
But nowhere in town
Did you hear the excuse
"Our computer is down."
R.S. Sullivan

It's great because I'm now perfect. Anything that is wrong I can blame on my computer.

Experts say that soon every home will have a computer. That's great because then our personal lives can be just as
screwed up as things are at the office.

The computer has revolutionized business. It used to take months to find out you were broke.

To err is human, but to really screw up requires a computer.

Go ahead and put it on the computer. At least you'll know where it is even though you can't find it again.

Kids used to forget their homework. Now they claim it's lost in the computer.

You get your kids a new computer and they bring home the same old report cards.

Computers perform complex calculations in one hundred thousandth of a second, and send out invoices ten days
late.

Top Five reasons computers must be female:

5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you,
then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Top 5 reasons computers must be male:

5. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on, but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter

Redneck Computerease

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.

Log Off: Don't add wood.

Monitor: Keep a close eye on the wood stove.

Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.

Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin' (watch th' toes!)

Floppy Disk: Whatcha get from pilin' too much firewood.

RAM: The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.

Hard Drive: Gettin' home in mud season.

Prompt: What you wish the mail was in mud season.

Windows: What to shut when it's 30 below.

Screen: What you need for black fly season.

Byte: What black flies do.

Chip: What to munch on.

Micro Chip: What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.

Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.

Modem: What you did to the hay fields.

Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.

Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy

Keyboard: Where you hang your keys.

Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.

Mouse: What eats the horses' grain in the barn.

Main Frame: The part of the barn that holds the roof up.

Port: Fancy wine.

Enter: C'mon in!

Random Access Memory: You can't remember how much that new rifle cost when your wife asks.

__________________
The boss was informed that a virus had infected his PC. He said that made perfect sense to him since he was ill the
previous week.

The computer screen read "Press F8 to continue". so the new hire pressed the F key and the 8 key.

HR Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper
management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions".

So you think you know what most computer acronyms really mean? . . . Think again.

CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

IBM I Blame Microsoft, I Bought Macintosh

PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN It Still Does Nothing

APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

DEC Do Expect Cuts

CA Constant Acquisitions

OS/2 Obsolete Soon Too,

SCSI System Can't See It

DOS Defunct Operating System

BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

WWW World Wide Wait

You know your an E-mail Junkie . . . if:

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You get a tatoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."
3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.
4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap . . . and your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
7. You laugh at people with 14,400-baud modems.
8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and
manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. ....And you succeed.
10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."
13. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
14. Your cat has its own home page.
15. You can't call your mother. . . she doesn't have a modem.
16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
18. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never
bothered to ask.
19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
20. You tell the cab driver you live at
" http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html ."
21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

The Top 12 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support

12> "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

11> "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

10> "So -- what are you wearing?"

9> "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

8> "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."

7> "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes.

Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

6> "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife,
a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."

5> "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."

4> "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

3> "Hold on a second . . . Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

2> "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."

and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support...

1> "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

Viruses

Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to
200MB.

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of an impending hard disk attack
once if by LAN, twice if by C:>

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Ross Perot Virus: Activates every componenet in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

Mario Cuomo Virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Ted Turner Virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Arnold Schwarzeneger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Dan Quayle Virus #1: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary
network.

Dan Quayle Virus #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe just cant figyour out watt!!

Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically
nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Gallup Virus: Sixty percent of PC's infected will lose 38% of their data 14% of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5%
margin of error)

Texas Virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file

Adam & Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half
blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard.

PBS Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self
destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Ollie North Virus: Causes your computer to become paper shredder.

Nike Virus: Just does it.

Sears Virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and set of shocks.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.

Congressional Virus: Runs every program on the hard drive

simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

Imelda Marcos Virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken
account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy

Star Trek Virus: Invades you system in places no virus has gone before.

Health Care Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

George Bush Virus: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs . . . No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill
up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
Cleveland Indians Virus: Makes your Pentium II/233 perform like a 286/AT.

The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Do Not Use Computers...

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon is very frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www . pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Do Not Use Computers...

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.*