Developing

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Positive Assertiveness
Third Edition

Sam R. Lloyd
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™
A Crisp Fifty-Minute Series Book
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 Developing Positive Assertiveness

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Third Edition

Sam R. Lloyd

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 Learning Objectives For:

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DEVELOPING POSITIVE ASSERTIVENESS
The objectives for Developing Positive Assertiveness, Third Edition are listed below.
They have been developed to guide the user to the core issues covered in
this book.

THE OBJECTIVES OF THIS BOOK ARE TO HELP THE USER:

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1) Improve relationship skills

2) Learn about aggressive, assertive, and nonassertive speech and

body language

3) Understand assertive behavior according to personality type

ASSESSING PROGRESS
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NETg has developed a Crisp Series assessment that covers the fundamen-
tal information presented in this book. A 25-item, multiple-choice and
true/false questionnaire allows the reader to evaluate his or her compre-
hension of the subject matter. To download the assessment and answer
key, go to www.courseilt.com and search on the book title, or call 1-800-
442-7477.
Assessments should not be used in any employee selection process.
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About the Author

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Sam R. Lloyd is president of SuccessSystems, Inc., of Boulder, Colorado. He is a
past director of the Management Center of Southern Methodist University and
has been Assistant Dean of the School of Business at University of Missouri, St.
Louis.
For the past 25 years, Mr. Lloyd has trained tens of thousands of individuals in
many major organizations, including Motorola, Bristol-Myers Squibb, Hewlett-
Packard, Frito-Lay, and Procter & Gamble, among others.

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He specializes in assertiveness training, listening skills, interpersonal effectiveness,
coaching and counseling, leadership, and customer relations.
Mr. Lloyd is a member of ITAA, ASTD, and SHRM; and is listed in
Who’s Who.

How to Use This Book

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This Fifty-Minute™ Series Book is a unique, user-friendly product. As you read
through the material, you will quickly experience the interactive nature of the
book. There are numerous exercises, real-world case studies, and examples that
invite your opinion, as well as checklists, tips, and concise summaries that rein-
force your understanding of the concepts presented.
A Crisp Learning Fifty-Minute™ Book can be used in variety of ways. Individual self-
study is one of the most common. However, many organizations use Fifty-Minute
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the books as a part of a system-wide learning program—supported by video and
other media based on the content in the books. Still others work with Crisp Learn-
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Regardless of how it is used, we hope you will join the more than 20 million
satisfied learners worldwide who have completed a Fifty-Minute Book.

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Preface

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This book is for anyone who wants to take charge and live life. Developing
positive assertiveness can create personal and professional success and make
things happen for you.
Will reading this book result in your being assertive? Not if all you do is read it.
If, however, you read and complete the exercises and practice the techniques as
recommended, you will learn how to develop assertiveness. This Third Edition
includes a helpful new collection of follow-up practice situations in the summary.

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Completing these exercises over the course of several days or weeks will help you
apply and hone your new skills. The book can’t make you assertive, but you
can!
Developing assertiveness is more than just learning to talk differently. Being
assertive requires thinking assertively, feeling confident, and behaving positively.
In this book, you will learn how to develop each of these aspects of assertiveness.
Explanations of personality and basic psychological concepts will help you gain
an understanding about yourself and other people. Guidelines for word choices
and behaviors, and numerous exercises, will help you change how you interact
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with others. Additional exercises will help you change your attitudes that inter-
fere with being assertive.
Assertive people enjoy their work, play, friends, and family. Assertive people are
effective, vital, and valued by others. With this book, some personal commit-
ment, and a little time, you can become an assertive person and experience these
benefits for the rest of your life.
You can do it!

Sam R. Lloyd Developing Positive Assertiveness

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Contents

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Introduction .......................................................................................................... viii

Part 1: How to Develop Positive Assertiveness

Three Basic Behavior Styles ................................................................................... 3
Can Behaviors Change? ......................................................................................... 5

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Part 2: Ensuring Successful Change
The Five Ps of Successful Change ........................................................................ 11
Are You Using the Right Maps? ........................................................................... 13
Self-Fulfilling Prophecy ......................................................................................... 15
Positive Mental Imagery ....................................................................................... 19
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Programming Yourself for Success ....................................................................... 20

Part 3: Feelings: The Emotional Part of Assertiveness

The Emotions of Assertiveness ............................................................................ 27
Choice and Win-Win Relationships ..................................................................... 30
Talking About Feelings ......................................................................................... 33

Part 4: Changing Your Behaviors

Choosing Assertive Words Carefully ................................................................... 37
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Body-Language Signals ......................................................................................... 42

Stop Signs and Green Lights ................................................................................ 47

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Part 5: Expanding Your Assertiveness
Four Assertive Styles ............................................................................................. 51
Sending Assertive Messages ................................................................................. 55
Identifying Styles to Enhance Communication ................................................... 59

Part 6: Assertive Power Steps

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Four Steps to Assertive Communication .............................................................. 63
Step 1: Repeat the Question or Statement ..................................................... 63
Step 2: Command, Don’t Ask ........................................................................ 64
Step 3: Add Emotion ...................................................................................... 65
Step 4: Introduce Consequences .................................................................... 67
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Part 7: Assertive Confrontation
Defining the Problem ............................................................................................ 71
Five Tools for Successful Confrontation .............................................................. 73
Active Listening ..................................................................................................... 79
Goals for the Present and Future ......................................................................... 84
Giving Yourself Credit for Success ....................................................................... 86

Appendix Developing Positive Assertiveness

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Summary and Review........................................................................................... 89

Follow-Up Practice Exercises ................................................................................ 99

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viii

Introduction

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Assertive Behavior and Why It Is Important
What do you think of when you hear the word assertive? Many people think of some-
one adamantly standing his or her ground, pushing for his or her own way, refusing to
give an inch. Others think of someone who is generally pleasant but stubborn on
certain issues. Most people don’t understand what assertive behavior really is.
Assertive behavior as defined in this book is a natural style that is nothing more than
being direct, honest, and respectful while interacting with others. So what’s the big deal?

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Why is there a need for assertiveness training courses and books? Why do cartoonists
poke fun at assertiveness training? Why is there resistance among management in some
organizations when assertiveness training is mentioned?
Poking fun and open resistance are symptoms of a lack of understanding. When people
do not understand, they are resistant to change. Assertiveness is a most desirable
human behavior. It is necessary for honest, healthy relationships. It is the behavior
required for “win-win” outcomes in negotiation, conflict resolution, family life, and
normal business dealings.
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The courses, books, and cassette tapes are necessary because so many people do not
understand the desirability and importance of using assertive behavior. As more people
develop assertiveness, and begin to influence others, the awareness and acceptance of
assertiveness will increase. This book explains why people have to make a conscious
effort to develop their assertiveness. Although assertive behavior is natural, it is not the
only natural behavior. We humans also use nonassertive and aggressive behavior.
These styles create many problems in our relationships, business dealings, and social
interactions.
All of us use all three behavior styles throughout our lives. Most of us are not as consis-
tently assertive as we might think. As we learn to become more assertive, we reduce
our conflicts, failures, dissatisfactions, and stress. Developing assertiveness requires
effort, but the rewards are worth it. This book provides you with information, simple
directions, and plenty of opportunities to practice becoming more assertive.
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After first finding out how assertive you are right now, you will then learn how to
identify the three behavior styles previously mentioned: assertive, nonassertive, and
aggressive. You will also learn how to ensure successful change, and how to develop
positive assertiveness. Once you have learned to develop your assertiveness, you will
learn how to maintain the changes you have made. All of this in about 100 pages.
Whew!

The first step is to find out how assertive you are now.
How assertive are you?

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 ix

AN ASSERTIVENESS QUIZ
Before learning how to develop your assertiveness, take a few moments to

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get some idea of where you are right now. Answer the following questions
honestly. They will help you gain some insights about your current level of
assertiveness. Assign a number to each item using the following scale.

5 = Always 1 = Never

____ I ask others to do things without feeling guilty or anxious.

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____ When someone asks me to do something I don’t want to do, I say no
without feeling guilty or anxious.
____ I am comfortable when speaking to a large group of people.
____ I confidently express my honest opinions to authority figures (such as my
boss).
____ When I experience powerful feelings (anger, frustration, disappointment,
and so on), I verbalize them easily.
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____ When I express anger, I do so without blaming others for “making me mad.”
____ I am comfortable speaking up in a group situation.
____ If I disagree with the majority opinion in a meeting, I can “stick to my guns”
without feeling uncomfortable or being abrasive.
____ When I make a mistake, I acknowledge it.
____ I tell others when their behavior creates a problem for me.
____ Meeting new people in social situations is something I do with ease and
comfort.
____ When discussing my beliefs, I do so without labeling the opinions of others
Developing Positive Assertiveness
as “crazy,” “stupid,” “ridiculous,” or “irrational.”
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____ I assume that most people are competent and trustworthy and do not have
difficulty delegating tasks to others.
____ When considering doing something I have never done, I feel confident I can
learn to do it.
____ I believe that my needs are as important as those of others, and I am entitled
to have my needs satisfied.
____ Total Score (sum of the 15 numbers)

Turn the page to learn your present level of assertiveness.

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HOW ASSERTIVE ARE YOU?
If your total is 60 or higher, you have a consistently assertive philosophy
and probably handle most situations well. You may receive some ideas from
this book to further improve your skills and effectiveness.

If your total is 45–60, you have a fairly assertive outlook. You are probably
naturally assertive in some situations, but this book will help you to increase

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your assertiveness through practice.

If your total is 30–45, you may be assertive in some situations, but your
natural response is either nonassertive or aggressive. Using the suggestions
in this book to change some perceptions, and practicing new behaviors,
should enable you to handle things much more assertively in the future.

If your total is 15–30, you have considerable difficulty being assertive. If you
follow the road outlined in this book, practice and allow yourself time to
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grow and change, you can become much more comfortable in situations
where asserting yourself is important.
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