Parent Unit 11
Parent Unit 11
Parent Unit 11
Table of Contents
Conflict Resolution........................................................................................................................................1
What Is Conflict?............................................................................................................................................1
Myths about Conflict....................................................................................................................................1
Truths about Conflict...................................................................................................................................2
Homework..................................................................................................................................................... 15
one person right and the other wrong, invites the other person to manage
but to find a solution that meets the conflict in healthy ways.
basic interests of everyone involved.
This is called a “win-win” rather than a As we can see, conflict can be constructive or
“win-lose” result. destructive, depending on how we manage it.
• It takes two people to resolve a Conflict can be constructive when it:
conflict. It takes only one person to • Opens up issues of importance to
begin resolving a conflict. both parents and children, resulting in
clarification and possible resolution.
Do these sound familiar? Even though we • Increases a child’s involvement in
may have experienced conflict in one or issues that are important to them.
more of these ways, conflict is as important • Causes open and honest
to the development of relationships as is communication to occur.
cooperation. Consider the following “truths”: • Helps build relationships especially
when sharing a settlement.
Truths about Conflict
• Conflict will occur. Conflict is natural We also know that conflict can be destructive
when working or living with others. It when it:
is not necessarily a sign of something • Destroys morale or attacks our self-
unhealthy. The more important esteem.
question is what you do with it when it • Diverts us from more important issues.
occurs. • Produces irresponsible and regrettable
• Most conflicts can be managed. There behavior such as name-calling and
are some basic skills, strategies, and fighting.
techniques that can help you manage
conflict effectively. We will cover these Parenting Responses to
in this unit.
• Conflict can build relationships.
Conflict
When two people figure out how to There are a number of parenting styles
honestly resolve differences as they that can be used to handle conflict with
live and work together, then stronger children, which can range from permissive
relationships emerge. to authoritarian. One parenting strategy is
• Conflict can be a motivator for change. to avoid conflicts by giving in and allowing
Few people or organizations change a child to do as she pleases. We call this the
unless confronted with some kind Permissive Approach. At the opposite end of
of conflict. Understanding and then the parenting continuum is the Authoritarian
resolving the conflict often results in Approach. This approach to handling conflict
positive change. is to set overly strict rules or to “crack down”
• It takes only one person to begin in an attempt to curb a child’s behavior. In
resolving a conflict. By initiating the middle of this continuum is an approach
resolution, you can set the stage called the Compromising Approach, which
for how the conflict will proceed. holds children accountable and allows for
Demonstrating good conflict some flexibility when needed.
resolution skills models, teaches, and
Children may like their parents more in the Children can’t constructively deal with
short term authority figures
Doesn’t require much energy or skill Children are often self-centered and
impulsive
Parents feel in control when children comply Children react to conflict by giving in
Doesn’t require creativity in problem solving Children allow others to solve their problems
and may be dangerously susceptible to peer
pressure
Relieves parent’s feelings of anger Children avoid conflicts by using sneaky and
manipulative means to get their way
The first step in effectively resolving conflicts is to be aware of the strength and limitation of our
own preferred style when dealing with conflict. The second step is to realize that when in conflict,
we have choices.
In addition to the more common styles described above, there are actually five distinct approaches
and choices that we have. Consider the following approaches and determine when each might be
an effective choice.
the argument fairly, she told Darla to divide these options have been exhausted or they
the snack between the bowls and let Denise are simply not feasible. When confrontation
pick the one she wanted. “There,” Mrs. seems inevitable despite these efforts and
Greene told the girls. “You can have some. when the parent is a player in the conflict
Now stop the name-calling and help me rather than the referee, Conflict Resolution is
clean up, please.” an intelligent way of managing a problem.
As Darla washed the dishes and wiped Conflict Resolution involves working out
the table, she munched on the snack mix, a positive solution to a problem that is
carefully picking out all the pretzels and acceptable to all persons involved. Similar
goldfish crackers and pushing the nuts to contracting, Conflict Resolution involves
aside. Denise, meanwhile, took her snack working together to resolve a problem. But
into the family room and, just as carefully, unlike contracting, Conflict Resolution may
picked out all of the peanuts and cashews. involve compromise.
Mr. Greene looked perplexed as he watched
her throw the remaining pretzels and Critical to creating an effective compromise
goldfish crackers into the trash. is knowing when to and when not to use
it. Consider a compromising approach to
“I don’t want that part,” Denise explained conflict resolution when:
matter-of-factly. • Motivation problems exist.
• A problem keeps coming up or
As it turned out, Darla couldn’t eat the nuts persistently bothers you and results in
because they were too hard to get out of her yelling or nagging.
braces. Denise didn’t even like the snack mix. • Something that really bothered you and
She just wanted to pick out the nuts to feed you want to prevent a re-occurrence.
to her hamsters. The Greens heard the girls • You feel angry and resentful whenever
fighting over snack mix and assumed that by a certain topic is considered.
dividing it in half, both girls would get what • You are frequently ordering the child
they wanted from the compromise. Granted, or repeatedly encounter “control”
the conflict was resolved, but not quite the battles.
right way. Each girl got her own bowl of • A child requests/suggests it.
snack mix, but only needed half of what was • The child asks to do something that
in it. The Greenes didn’t take the time to fully the parent doesn’t approve of or is
understand the problem. uncomfortable with.
While you are doing this work behind If handled correctly, conflict situations can
the scenes, you will also be looking for be resolved even if people have different
opportunities and preparing to engage viewpoints.
your child in collaborative problem solving
– conflict resolution discussions. Even • Understand and manage your
when you come to a mutual agreement on a emotions
resolution, there often will be new skills that
your child will need to develop, so formal Our feelings about the conflict and the
and informal opportunities for teaching will people involved can have a significant
continue. impact on the conflict resolution process.
The facts are only part of a conflict.
Personal Preparation
One of the first challenges we have as parents Identify and describe your feelings about
in managing conflicts with children is being the issues.
appropriate and professional and to serve as
a role model. This is easier said than done, Include your feelings about the other
since most parent-child conflicts can be just as people involved and conflict in general.
emotional for the parent as it is for the child.
Here are a few tips to consider for personally Know how strongly you feel about the issues
preparing yourself for conflict. involved. The strength of your feelings will
greatly influence your participation in the
• Define your concerns and needs process.
Decide on the two or three issues that are Analyze those feelings based on the impact
most critical for you at this point. Identifying they may have on your ability to solve the
your needs is what makes conflict resolution problem (i.e., how invested are you in being
possible. Until you know what you need, right or winning)?
it is impossible for others to change their
behavior accordingly. Assess those feelings based on personal and
program needs. Are those needs different?
Be careful not to confuse “needs” with Think about statements your child has
particular actions: made about the issue. Identify and describe
your feelings about those statements. What
Example: A child’s safety is a need. Refusing impact do they have on your ability to
to go to school is an action. proceed in the conflict resolution process?
(Refer back to the “What Are Your
Identify the needs that you feel are most Buttons?” activity from Unit 2)
important.
If you are unable to get a handle on those
Understand that your culture and learning feelings, it is helpful to ask someone to be a
history have shaped what you consider to consultant to you.
be needs. Not everyone may feel the same
way. Remember forcing your perspective is • Understand the child’s concerns and
not a productive goal for conflict resolution. needs
The first rule of conflict is that the other Wait until your child is calm to have the
people involved will have markedly conflict resolution meeting. Be prepared
different perceptions of the problem from to help them manage “emotional flare-
your own. ups” during your conversation. Prepare
yourself for how you will handle possible
To successfully resolve conflicts in a attempts by your child to disrupt or derail
collaborative way, you must gain an the meeting.
understanding of the other’s perspectives.
Some of this understanding can only come If the outcome of a conflict is important, you
from careful listening during the conflict should instead schedule a planned meeting to
resolution process and managing your own resolve it. When a conflict resolution meeting
reactivity. takes place depends on many factors, such
as urgency, importance, deadlines, work and
First, assume they mean well. school schedules, etc. Resolving conflicts
impulsively or waiting too long can end in
Second, imagine yourself in their role. bad feelings, bigger conflicts, and damaged
relationships.
Third, generate ideas about their interest
and needs in this area. The following techniques can help you model
and teach important skills in the conflict
Finally, assess for differences that may resolution process. The steps of the conflict
be the results of cultural and individual resolution technique that follows can also
differences. be adapted for use as the guidelines for a
“family meeting,” where areas of concern
Manage your reaction to strong emotions that affect the entire family can be discussed
and provocative statements by your child and resolutions agreed upon by all family
by using positive self-talk, focusing on members.
understanding, and using I-Feel messages.
The Conflict Resolution Technique
• Prepare for a meeting The following steps of this technique are to
be done in order.
Even with good personal preparation,
successful resolution of a conflict can be Step 1: Establish the Ground Rules
threatened if the actual conflict resolution
meeting goes badly. As we stressed All sides will have a chance to be heard
previously, resolving conflicts is usually without interruption.
not a “shoot from the hip” activity. In the
hustle and bustle of daily family life, it can Everyone stays until some mutual agreement
be tempting to solve problems on the spot has been reached.
with either a permissive or an authoritarian
response. This is especially true when Set agreement on behavior expectations about
you are directly involved in conflicts with voice volume, swearing, one person speaking
children and other family members. at a time, remaining seated, etc.
Step 2: Identify and Deal with Feelings Pay attention to your non-verbal behavior
Allow strong negative feelings to be verbally when the child is suggesting solutions.
drained off. Often, the child will need to vent This will assist in preventing your feelings
before she can focus on the actual issues. regarding the situation from influencing her
participation.
Be aware of and manage your emotions
as discussed in the previous “Personal Trades are often a great solution, such as
Preparation” section. when a child won’t perform one chore, but
would be willing to take on one (or two) that
Showing empathy for your child’s feelings she dislikes less in exchange. Be certain to list
and concerns can lessen anxiety and open the trades if they’re a possibility.
doorway to better communication
Be sure that there are enough possible
Also, use Active Listening to assure that the solutions so that at least one of them could be
child’s feelings are validated. mutually acceptable.
Step 3: Define the Problem Step 5: Evaluate and Decide on the Best
Solution
Get the child to state her need or interest
rather than just stating her positions. Again, Ask yourself what it is that you really want,
show empathy and understanding for their and what you’d be willing to settle on.
needs. Take turns evaluating the ideas by stating
whether each person could live with that
Both the parent and child should restate the solution.
other’s concerns to show that they understand
the other point of view. It is important to Record each person’s vote with a “plus” or a
discover each other’s needs, goals or values “minus” next to each idea.
rather than simply restating emotional
positions. From the ideas rated with a “plus” by
everyone, mutually select the best solution or
Modeling active listening responses and combine several to reach a final solution.
reflecting the content and feelings expressed
can help clarify the situation for all involved. When all else fails, go back to the
You may find that there is more than one brainstorming step and generate other ideas
problem. If so, decide how and when to for consideration as a solution to the problem.
explore solutions for each problem. If both the adult and child become “stuck”
and cannot think of reasonable solutions,
Step 4: Explore Options/Brainstorm then this may be a signal that the problem is
Solutions not defined clearly enough.
Take turns offering all of the possible Step 6: Plan and Implement the Solution
solutions, even ones that seem silly or possibly
Discuss all of the details of the solution, such
inappropriate. It’s the quantity, not the quality,
as when it takes effect, who does what and
of solutions that count here, so don’t worry
how the plan will be monitored.
about evaluating them quite yet.
Step 7: Follow-Up
Check back once the solution has had time to
be implemented to see how well it worked.
Child: Your girlfriend is over and you want to go to your bedroom for privacy and listen to records.
You see nothing wrong with this, but your parents say no. You are old enough to conduct your own
behavior and resent their implication. You don’t need a watchdog. After your friend leaves, you
decide to talk to them about it.
Situation #2
Parent: Your 14 year-old child is too young, in your opinion, to date. You are concerned about
her getting “too serious” and growing up too fast. You worry about physical and emotional
involvements because you don’t think the child is ready to handle them. She disagrees and admits
that she has already been dating when she had said she was going out with a girlfriend.
Child: All your friends are dating and you have decided to tell your parents you are dating too. You
had been doing this without anyone knowing because they said you were “too young.” You don’t
think you are too young and have decided to tell them you have been dating. (You are 14 years old.)
Situation #3
Parent: Your 15 year old child is having a great deal of difficulty with school. You decided that the
only way to get him to do homework is to say he can’t go out until the homework is done.
Child: Your parents want you to stay home until you get all your homework done. You don’t think
this is fair and want to go out. You think you’re old enough to establish your own priorities and
time schedule and tell them so.
Situation #4
Parent: You believe it is important for children to gain some sense of religion and family, so you ask
your 13 year old child to attend church with the rest of the family.
Child: Sundays are really good days for you. You get to hang-out at your neighbors’ house, play ball
and talk to friends. Lately your parents have been pressuring you to attend church in the morning
with the rest of the family. You don’t like the idea of getting up early and you especially don’t like
the idea of getting dressed up to attend church.
Situation #5
Parent: Last evening there were so many children in the house you nearly went crazy. Your 16 year
old child had invited numerous friends over and you weren’t able to get any work done, or enjoy
watching television or listening to the radio. It felt like you were being pushed out of your own
home and finally you ordered everyone out and told all your children that “from now on, no more
than two friends at one time in this house.”
Child: You have invited a group of friends over to the house and are really excited about their
coming. However, you remember you mother specifically saying “no more than two friends at a
time” last night when a lot of children were over and making a racket. It is too late to say anything
as you have already invited them. Besides, you feel you have a right to have your friends over when
you want.
Situation #6
Parent: Your 18 year old daughter refuses to go to family get‑togethers. This embarrasses you
because you always have to make excuses for her and she is the only one who doesn’t attend. There
is a party planned for this Sunday.
Child: Your parent is always nagging you to attend family get‑togethers. You feel that they are
boring and a waste of time. But most of all, you resent your parent trying to force you to go. You
feel it is your decision to make.
Situation #7
Parent: You have been in your 15 year old son’s room and you think you smell marijuana. You
suspect that your son has been smoking it in his bedroom. This frightens you because it is illegal
and you think it is dangerous. You also feel angry because he has been doing something behind
your back that he knows you disapprove of. You have told him he cannot smoke marijuana.
Child: You suspect that your parent has been searching your room because he/she thinks you
smoke marijuana there. This upsets you because the family policy is that everyone’s room is private.
You resent your parent interfering in what you do in your room, including smoking marijuana.
Child’s problem:
Parent’s problem:
1. Vote on Solutions. Select from the solutions that were OK with both of you. If you didn’t
agree on any, keep generating solutions. If you had more than one, select your favorite.
3. Set a time to evaluate if the solution worked – Date ____ / ____ / _____
Homework
1. Read the unit on Conflict Resolution and list any questions you have.