Kiersten Umberger

OGL 220
Assignment 3
December 2, 2016

Assignment 3
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Prompt #1 Set-up:
First, complete Activity 10.2 in your textbook, “Conflict Style Inventory.” Once you complete
and score the instrument, please respond to Prompt #1. (This instrument and scoring criteria
are also included at the end of this document for your reference.)
Prompt #1: Take a moment to reflect on your scores on the Conflict Styles Inventory, and
respond to the following questions:

a)
What was your highest score? Do you agree with the assessment? Name the style and discuss
your perceptions regarding this style with respect to your own thoughts regarding how you
approach conflict situations. Provide an example from your own life of your experience with this
style of conflict (either using the style yourself, or as employed by someone else in a conflict
situation). Be specific.

The area I scored highest in was the accommodating style and I completely agree.
Accommodating style is characterized by a high degree of interest in the relationship and a low
degree of concern about one's own interests (Hamilton, pg 323). I wish that I was not extremely
accommodating but whenever I am in any sort of relationship or friendship with someone I
completely drop my needs in order to make things work. In conflict I typically express my
wishes and my needs but if things turn on me and I end up in a serious conflict where I could
lose the person I cave and conform to whatever they need in order to mend the issue. I do not
like conflict and I do not like dealing with issues and I absolutely do not like losing people. I
know deep down that this is not a good way to be because relationships are about compromise
and you cannot put yourself last always but this is just how I have always been. I always place
others before myself in conflict situations because I am easily sueded into believing my
problems do not matter. This is a result of a few toxic relationships but luckily these days I have
some very good ones that do not have conflict like this and the people care about my needs as
well as their own. I am learning to be more compromising every day with the help of the right
people. For an example of accomodation I can think of a million that occur with one of my close
friends. We have disagreements more often than we should and who is typically at fault switches
off. I can recall many times where I confronted this friend about a lie she told that hurt my
feelings with honest talk and proof of the situation. She usually does not like to be called out on
her mess up and in turn denies it to the death only making the situation worse. She refuses to
understand where I am coming from, only making the once healthy conflict grow into something
unnecessary. All i needed was for her to acknowledge my feelings and apologize but she could
not do that and actually many times used a technique to flip the blame. Even in a situation
where I would think there was no possible way to shift the blame she manages to do it thus
endangering our friendship. Some would say that this is just a bad friend but i have always
refused to see it that way, so in these times I typically drop my feelings and needs and
immediately begin to focus on the relationship. I would not want to actually lose her as a friend
so I forget whatever it was I was upset about and figure out how to end the conflict. Outside of
context I see this as very pathetic but it's hard to stop that in the moment.

b)
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What was your second-highest score? Was it very close to your highest score, or significantly
lower? Do you agree with the assessment? Discuss your perceptions regarding this style (and
any interactions with your highest score) with respect to how you approach conflict situations.
Provide an example from your own life of your experience with this style of conflict (either using
the style yourself, or as employed by someone else in a conflict situation). Be specific.

My second highest score was only a fraction lower than the highest and that was in avoiding.
Avoiding is characterized by a low interest in pursuing one's own goals, as well as a low degree of
interest in supporting the relationship or other persons goals (Hamilton 324). I would like to say
that based off of that definition of avoidance, i disagree with my results. As I read further into
what it means however it did become more accurate. The text notes that these are people who
avoid conflict as a result of negative experience or a low tolerance to the emotional stress
(Hamilton 324). Often times when I am in a conflict that is really bad or something really bad
happens to me I save face and act as if it was not a big deal. One night, years ago, I went out with
some friends and after a long night and a small argument a girl punched me in the face really
hard. There was not really a good or well justified reason for the hit, because there really never is
any reason to make something physically violent. I remember all of our friends were shocked
and asking what I was going to do and what would happen next and how I felt. I was extremely
upset and in pain but I made a joke saying I probably deserved it and continued on. Everyone
thought this was weird but I just did not want to make the issue bigger at all. I had a black eye
for three whole weeks and was constantly asked about it but just wanted it to be over with. I was
a lot younger then and I do not think I would be okay with something like this ever happening
again but it's in the past now, I just feel like this is a perfect example of avoidance. The issue was
clearly large but I was downplaying the significance of it to avoid it in general (Hamilton 324).

c)
Discuss one thing that works pretty well about your preferred conflict style; in other words, what
is one advantage for you about it?
The main advantage of accommodating is that I basically am the one that ends the conflict. I
resolve the issue because I let go of my needs and it's much easier if one person is willing to
make the change. I do not lose relationships because I am willing to forget things that bother me
in order to make stuff work.

d)
Discuss one disadvantage you’ve found in using your preferred conflict style.
The disadvantage of accommodating is that I never end up on top, I never get what I want, and it
starts to seem like my feelings do not matter. This is clearly because I let them be unimportant
but sometimes I wish the other person would stop me from doing that and cater to my needs
every now and then.

e)
Finally, what is one specific way you could improve your general approach to conflict? (This
answer might include incorporating more of one of your lower scores, etc.)
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I need to be more open to conflict first of all. It is a myth to think that conflict is unhealthy or
destructive (Hamilton 320). I need to deal with my problems and I need to stop letting people
walk all over me. My feelings and desires are just as important as the other persons and I need
to be strong enough to make them important. I need to figure out how to be more integrating
and make both people important as well as the relationship itself.

Prompt #2: INSTRUCTIONS: For each of the following five scenarios (a – e), identify at least
one of Gibb’s categories of defense-arousing communication. Then rewrite the original
statement in a way that replaces the defense-arousing statement with more supportive
language. Then add two of your own scenarios (f – g) following a similar format, based on
experiences.

Following are Gibb’s categories:

Evaluation vs. Description
Control vs. Problem Orientation
Strategy vs. Spontaneity
Neutrality vs. Empathy
Superiority vs. Equality
Certainty vs. Provisionalism

Example: Girl to her older brother: “You don’t have a life. All you do is play on the computer!”

Types of defense-arousing communication: evaluation, certainty

More supportive way of communicating: “I’ve noticed that you’ve been playing on your
computer several hours a day lately. I’m concerned that you might be neglecting the other
aspects of your life. Can we talk about this?”

a)
Girl to her ex-boyfriend: “You’re never going to graduate from high school, and you’ll just end
up in a blue-collar job for the rest of your life!”

Types of defense-arousing communication: evaluation, certainty

More supportive way of communicating: I have noticed you are not doing so well in school and I
am concerned that you might not be thinking about your future career goals. Can we talk about
it?

b)
One person to co worker: “You keep whining about missing your girlfriend, and we’re tired of
listening to you. Why don’t you just move to Arizona so you can be with her?”

Types of defense-arousing communication: Neutrality

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More supportive way of communicating: It sounds like you are lonely and missing your
girlfriend and do not know what to do about it.

c)
Girl to her brother: “If I thought about business half as much as you do, I’d be 10 times more
successful than you.”

Types of defense-arousing communication: SUperiority

More supportive way of communicating: We all have strengths and weaknesses, business can be
very difficult to comprehend.

d)
One person to her brother: “All you do is party. You’re wasting the money
Mom and Dad are spending to put you through school.”

Types of defense-arousing communication: evaluation, certainty

More supportive way of communicating: I've noticed that you have been partying a lot and
spending a lot of your school money and I am worried, can we talk about this?

e)
A boss to an employee: “You’re always taking time off work to take care of your baby. I’m going
to have to let you go if this continues.”

Types of defense-arousing communication: evaluation certainty.

More supportive way of communicating: I am concerned about the time you have been taking
off of work can we work to come up with a solution?

f)
Your Example #1: You do not make any money we are going to end up on the streets.

Types of defense-arousing communication: evaluation, certainty

More supportive way of communicating: I am concerned about out income and how we will pay
the bills, can we talk about this?

g)
Your Example #2: All you do is cry about your body image, go to the gym.

Types of defense-arousing communication: Neutrality

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More supportive way of communicating: It sounds like you are not pleased with your
appearance, maybe we can figure out a way to help you feel better?

Prompt #3: INSTRUCTIONS: For each of the following five scenarios (a – e), identify two
different ways you could respond non-defensively to the speaker – then add two of your own
scenarios (f – g) following a similar format, based on experiences.
In your responses, choose from the following non-defensive response styles:
Ask for specifics
Guess about specifics
Paraphrase speaker’s ideas
Ask what the critic wants
Ask about the consequences
Ask what else is wrong of your behavior
Agree with the critic’s perception
Agree with the truth

Example: A boss says to an employee: “Don’t ever treat a customer that way again!”
One type of non-defensive response: Ask what the critic wants
How you could say it: “What would you like me to do differently next time?”
Second type of non-defensive response: agree with the truth
How you could say it: “You’re right; I lost my temper. I’m sorry.”

a)
A mom says to her daughter: “If you move in with those other girls you’ll just end up fighting
with them because you have a hard personality to live with.”

Non-defensive response type: Paraphrasing

How you could say it: It sounds like you are worried for me, maybe because we have had a
difficult time getting along in the past?

Non-defensive response type: Ask what the critic wants

How you could say it: Do you have any suggestions on how I could get along better?

b)
A husband to his wife: “Must be nice to have a day off to just do whatever you want.”

Non-defensive response type: Ask if something is wrong

How you could say it: You have never been upset by my days off before, is something bothering
you?

Non-defensive response type: Agree

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How you could say it: You are right I am excited to have the day to myself!
c)
A guy to his girlfriend: “You spend way too much money on clothes.”

Non-defensive response type: Agree

How you could say it: You are right I spend way too much money on clothes.

Non-defensive response type: Understand the critics perception

How you could say it: I can see how you would think I spend too much money on clothes
considering that shopping spree I went on.

d)
One roommate to another: “You’re neurotic!”

Non-defensive response type: Ask what the critic wants you to do differently.

How you could say it: Do you have any suggestions on how I could change?

Non-defensive response type: Paraphrasing

How you could say it: It sounds like you are worried for me because I have been acting different
lately.

e)
A girl to her boyfriend: “Your life is out of control—you have no direction!”

Non-defensive response type: Guess about specifics

How you could say it: When you say my life is out of control are you talking about the fact that I
quit my job recently?

Non-defensive response type: Ask about the consequences

How you could say it: What are you afraid might happen in my life?

f)
Your Example #1: You always quit your jobs and are never stable!

Non-defensive response type: Ask if something else is wrong

How you could say it: You have never been concerned about what jobs I quit before has
something happened?
Non-defensive response type: Paraphrase
How you could say it: It sounds like you are concerned at how much I bounce from job to job?
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g)
Your Example #2: You are going out every night you're going to have a breakdown!

Non-defensive response type: Agree

How you could say it: You are right, I have been going out more often than usual.
Non-defensive response type:Understand the critics perception
How you could say it: I can see how you think something is wrong because I've been going out
very often, more than usual.

CONFLICT STYLE INVENTORY (For Prompt #1)

PART 1
INSTRUCTIONS: For each of the following statements, choose a number between 1 and 7 that
represents the degree to which you agree or disagree with the statement.
(1= strongly disagree, 7=strongly agree)

1. I generally try to satisfy the needs of my peers.6

2. I try to work out a compromise that gives both of us some of what we want.6
3. I try to work with my peers to find solutions that satisfy our expectations.6
4. I usually avoid open discussions of differences with my peers.6
5. I exert pressure on my peers to make decisions in my favor.1
6. I try to find a middle course or compromise to resolve an impasse.6
7. I use my influence to get my ideas accepted.4
8. I use my authority to get decisions made in my favor.1
9. I usually accommodate the wishes of my peers.5
10. I give in to the wishes of my peers.6
11. I bargain with my peers so that a middle ground can be reached.5
12. I exchange information with my peers to solve a problem together.5
13. I sometimes bend over backwards to accommodate the desires of my peers.7
14. I sometimes take a moderate position so that a compromise can be reached.6
15. I usually propose a middle ground for breaking deadlocks.4
16. I negotiate with my peers so that a compromise can be reached.4
17. I try to stay away from disagreement with my peers.7
18. I avoid conflict situations with my peers.7
19. I use my expertise to make others decide in my favor.2
20. I often go along with the suggestions of my peers.6
21. I try to give and take so that a compromise can be made.5
22. I try to bring all our concerns out in the open so that the issues can be resolved in the best
possible way.6
23. I collaborate with my peers to come up with decisions acceptable to us.6
24. I try to satisfy the expectations of my peers.6
25. I sometimes use my power to win a competitive situation.2
26. I try to keep my disagreement with my peers to myself in order to avoid hard feelings.3
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27. I try to avoid unpleasant exchanges with my peers.7

28. I keep disagreements with my peers to myself to prevent disrupting our relationship.5
29. I try to work with my peers for a proper understanding of a problem.6

Source: Deborah Cai and Edward L. Fink, “Conflict Style Differences Between Individualists and
Collectivists” Communication Monographs 69, pp. 67–87. Copyright 2002. Reprinted by
permission of Taylor & Francis and the authors.

PART 2: SCORING

INSTRUCTIONS: Score your inventory by adding up sets of numbers as follows:

A. Add up your scores for 1, 9, 10, 13, 20, and 24; then divide the total by 6.
This is your Accommodating Score. 6
B. Add up your scores for 2, 6, 11, 14, 15, 16, and 21; then divide the total by 7.
This is your Compromising Score. 5.1
C. Add up your scores for 3, 12, 22, 23 and 29; then divide the total by 5.
This is your Integrating Score.5.6
D. Add up your scores for 4, 17, 18, 26, 27, and 28; then divide the total by 6.
This is your Avoiding Score.5.8
E. Add up your scores for 5, 7, 8, 19, and 25; then divide the total by 5.
This is your Dominating Score.2

Works Cited

Hamilton, V. (2007). Human relations: The art and science of building effective
relationships. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson/Prentice Hall.