Kids Do Well If They Can

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Kids Do Well If They Can

Author(s): Ross Greene


Source: The Phi Delta Kappan, Vol. 90, No. 3 (Nov., 2008), pp. 160-167
Published by: Phi Delta Kappa International
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Kids with behavioralchallenges are not attention-seeking, manipulative,
limit-testing,coercive, or unmotivated.But they do lack the skills to
behave appropriately. Adults can help by recognizing what causes their
difficultbehaviors and teaching kids the skills they need.

BY ROSS GREENE

160 PHI DELTA KAPPAN corn


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IDSWITH SOCIAL, EMOTIONAL,AND BEHAVIORAL

challenges lack important thinking skills.


Now there's an idea that can take some
getting used to. Let's begin by
considering your philosophy of kids: what kids are
about, why they do what they do, what they're up
to (ifthey're really up to anything).
Many adults have never given much thought to 16S
b%
FaW TbWouw
Crci

their philosophy of kids. But ifyou re trying to help | W |


kids with behavioral challenges, you're going to RxcW.pedfroLosD,
Excerpted from Lost at

need one, because it'syour philosophy of kids Schoolby RossGreene,


that's going to guide your beliefs and your actions 2008 byRoss Greene.
of Scribner, an imprint
inyour interactions with them, especially when the ofSimon and Schuster,
going gets tough. The philosophy that serves as Inc.
* RossW Greene is
the foundation of what you're about to read is "kids associate
clinicalprofessor
in theDepartment of
do well if theycan. atHarvard
Psychiaty
Medical Schooland the
This philosophy may not sound earth-shattering, authorofTheExplosive
but when we consider the very popular alternative founding directorofthe
Coll,aborative Problem

phi losophy- "kidsdo well if theywant to the Solving Institute,


a
program based in the

significance becomes clear. These two disparate Departnent ofPsychiatry


atMassachusetts General

phiosophies have dramatically different Hospital.


has been Greenes research
Anded by the
ramifications for our assumptions about kids and U.S. Departnent of
how to proceed when they do not meet our Institutheonrgbey
Medical Research
expectatilo n s. Institute.

NOVEMBER
2008 161

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When the "kids do well if they want to" philoso You see, there'sa spectrumof thingskids do when
phy is applied to a childwho's not doingwell, then life'sdemandsexceedtheircapacityto respondadap
we believe that the reason he's not doing well is be tively.Some cry,or sulk,or pout, orwhine, orwith
causehe doesn'twant to.This verycommonassump draw- that would be the milder end of the spec
tion isusuallywrong and causesadultstobelievethat trum.As we move towardthemore difficultend of
theirprimaryrole in the lifeof a challengingkid (and the spectrum,we find screaming,swearing,spitting,
hitting, kicking,destroyingproperty,lying,and tru
ancy. And as we move even further toward the ex
Behind every challenging tremeendof thespectrum,we findself-inducedvom
behavior,drinkingor usingdrugs
iting,self-injurious
behavior is an unsolved to excess,stabbing,and shooting.But allof thesebe
problem or a lagging skill (or haviorsoccur under the sameconditions:when the
demands being placed on a kid exceed that kid's ca
both). Why do some kids re
pacity to respondadaptively.
spondat themilder endof thespectrumwhile others
the goal of intervention) is to make the kid want to are at themore severe end? Some kids have the skills
dowell. This is typicallyaccomplishedbymotivating to "holdit together"
when pushed to theirlimitsand
the kid, by giving him the incentive to do well, by re somedon't.
warding him when he behaves in an adaptive fashion
and punishing him when he behaves in amaladaptive With thisnew perspectiveon challengingkids,much
fashion. of what we say about them no longer makes sense.
By contrast,the "kidsdowell if theycan"philoso Take a look:
phy carries the assumption that if a kid could do well.
he would do well. If he's not doing well, he must be >> "He just wants attention."
lackingtheskillsneeded to respondto life'schallenges We allwant attention, so this explanation isn't very useful
in an adaptive way. What's the most important role for helping us understand why a kid is struggling to do well.
an adult can play in the life of such a kid? First, as And ifa kid is seeking attention ina maladaptive way,
sume he's alreadymotivated, alreadyknows right doesn't that suggest that he lacks the skills to seek
fromwrong, and has alreadybeen punishedenough. attention in an adaptive way?
Then, figureoutwhat thinkingskillshe's lackingso >> "He just wants his own way. "
you knowwhat thinkingskills to teach. We allwant our own way, so this explanation doesn't help
LAGGING SKILLS us achieve an understanding of a kid's challenges.
Adaptively getting one's own way requires skills often found
If you know what thinking skills a kid is lacking,
lacking in challenging kids.
you'll be in a much better position to teach those
skills. You'll also be in a better position to anticipate >> "He's manipulating us."
the situationsinwhich challengingbehaviorismost This is a very popular, and misguided, characterization of
likely to occur. If you don't know what skills a kid is kids with behavioral challenges. Competent manipulation
lacking, they probablywon't get taught, itwill be requires various skills - forethought, planning, impulse
much harder to anticipate his worst moments, the control, and organization, among others - typically found
kid's challengeswill linger(orgetworse), andhewill lacking in challenging kids. Inother words, the kids who are
become increasinglyfrustrated,hopeless,andalienat most often described as being manipulative are those least
ed, just asmost of us would ifwe had a problem no capable of pulling itoff.
one seemed able to understand and were being treat >> "He's not motivated."
ed in away thatmade the problem worse. This is another very popular characterization that can be
When ischallengingbehaviormost likelytooccur? traced back to the "kids do well if they want to"mentality,
When the demands being placed on a kid exceed his and itcan lead us straight to interventions aimed at giving a
capacityto respondadaptively.Of course,that'swhen kid the incentiveto do well. Butwhy would any kidnot
all of us exhibitmaladaptivebehavior.The problem want todo well?Why would he choose not to do well ifhe
forkidswith behavioralchallenges(andthosearound has the skillsto do well? Isn'tdoingwell alwayspreferable?
them) is that they'rerespondingmuch more mal
adaptivelythan the restof us, andmuch more often.
162 PHI DELTA KAPPAN

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>> "He's making bad choices." * Difficulty considering a range of solutions to a problem.
Are you certain he has the skills and repertoire to
* Difficulty expressing concerns, needs, or thoughts in
consistently make good choices?
words.
:> "His parents are incompetent disciplinarians. * Difficulty understanding what is being said.
This, too, is a popular way of thinking, but it fails to take
* Difficulty managing emotional response to frustration
into account the fact thatmost challenging kids have well
so as to think rationally (separation of affect).
behaved siblings. Blaming parents doesn't help anyone at
school deal effectively with the kid in the six hours a day, * Chronic irritabilityand/or anxiety significantly impede
five days a week, nine months of the year that he's in the capacity for problem solving.
building. , * Difficulty seeing the "grays"; concrete, literal, black
and-white thinking.
>> "He has a bad attitude."
He probably didn't start out with one. "Bad attitudes" tend * Difficulty deviating from rules, routine, original plan.
to be the by-product of countless years of being * Difficulty handling unpredictability, ambiguity,
misunderstood and over-punished by adults who didn't uncertainty, novelty.
recognize that a kid was lacking crucial thinking skills. But
* Difficulty shifting from original idea or solution; difficulty
kids are resilient; they come around ifwe start doing the
adapting to changes in plan or new rules; possibly
- right thing.
perseverative or obsessive.
,> "He has a mental Illness."
* Difficulty taking into account situational factors that
While he may well meet diagnostic criteria for a psychiatric
would require adjusting one's plan of action.
disorder and may even benefit from psychotropic
* Inflexible, inaccurate interpretations; cognitive
medication, this description is a nonstarter. Fifty years ago,
a psychiatrist named Thomas Szasz understood that distortions or biases (e.g., "Everyone's out to get me,"
"Nobody likes me," "You always blame me," "It'snot
"Smentally ill"
was a limiting (and potentially inaccurate and
derisory) way to describe people with social, emotional, and fair,""I'm stupid," "Things will never work out forme").

behavioral challenges. He advocated for reconceptualizing * Difficulty attending to and/or accurately interpreting
these challenges as "problems in living,"a more fitting and social cues; poor perception of social nuances.
productive way of viewing things.
* Difficulty starting a conversation, entering groups,
>> "His brother was the same way." connecting with people; lacking other basic social
Ah, so it's the gene pool! Alas, we can't do anything about skills.
the gene pool, and it's likely that his brother was lacking * Difficulty seeking attention in appropriate ways.
some important thinking skills, too.
* Difficulty appreciating how one's behavior is affecting
other people; often surprised by others' responses to
The followinglist ismuch more useful. It's the list his or her behavior.
ofmany skillsfrequentlyfound lagginginchalleng
* Difficulty empathizing with others, appreciating another
ingkids:
person's perspective or point of view.
* Difficulty handling transitions, shifting from one mind
set or task to another (shifting cognitive set). * Difficulty appreciating how one is coming across or
being perceived by others.
* Difficulty mustering the energy to persist on tasks that
are challenging, effortful, or tedious.
* Difficulty doing things in a logical sequence or You may have noticed that this list contains no di
prescribed order. agnoses. That's because diagnoses don't give us any
* Poor sense of time. information about the cognitive skills a kid may be
* Difficulty reflecting on multiple thoughts or ideas lacking. All too often adults get caught up in the quest
simultaneously. for the rightdiagnosis,assumingthata diagnosiswill
*Difficulty
maintainingfocus forgoal-directedproblem
help themknowwhat to do next.The realityis that
solving. diagnosesaren'tespeciallyuseful for understanding
kidswith behavioralchallengesor forhelping adults
* Difficulty
consideringthe likelyoutcomes or
*know what to do next. Plus, kidsdon't generallyex
consequences of actions (impulsive).
hibit challengingbehavior in a vacuum. It usually
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takes two to tango: a kid who's lacking skills and an nativesolutions,or anticipatinglikelyoutcomes.
environment(teachers,parents,peers) thatdemands Approachingproblems in an organized,planful
those skills.Diagnoses don't reflectthat reality,they manner, consideringa varietyof solutions, and re
simplypathologizethechild. flectingon theirlikelyoutcomesarecrucialdevelop
Let's focus on a few of the lagging skills on the list mental skills. Most 2-year-oldsdon't yet possessthese
for the purposeof making clear the connectionbe skills.Neither do a lot of challengingkidswho
tween laggingskillsand how theycan contributeto chronologically, at least- are a lot older.
challengingbehavior. Clearly, we have some skills to teach. But if the
schooldisciplineprogramemphasizesformalconse
IN FOCUS
quences, they'renot going to get taught.Conse
Difficulty reflecting on multiple thoughts or ideas quencesonly remindkidsofwhatwe don'twant them
simultaneously (disorganized).
to do and give them the incentiveto do something
Difficulty considering a range of solutions to a more adaptiveinstead.But they alreadyknowwhat
Problem. we don't want them to do, and they're already moti
Difficulty considering the likely outcomes or vated to do somethingmore adaptiveinstead.They
consequences of one's actions (impulsive). need somethingelse fromus.

When you're facedwith a problemor frustration, IN FOCUS


your primary task is to solve the problem that caused Difficulty expressing concems, needs, or thoughts
in words.
your frustration. To accomplishthis task,thesethree
skillswill be absolutelyessential.That's becauseprob
lem solvingrequiresa greatdealof organized,planful Most of the thinking and communicating we do
thinking. involveslanguage,so it'sno accident thatmany kids
Let's ponder that for a moment. To solve a prob with language delays also have trouble handling the
lem,youmust firstidentifytheproblemyou'retrying social, emotional,and behavioraldemands that are
to solve. Then you'll need to think of solutions to the placedupon them.Forexample,many kidshave trou
problem.And thenyou'llneed to anticipatethe like ble finding thewords to tell someone what's themat
ly outcomes of those solutions so as to pick the best ter orwhat they need. This can present a big problem;
one.That's how peoplemake decisions. life's a lot easierwhen you have the linguistic where
Many kids areso disorganizedin theirthinking withal to let people know you "don't feel like talking,"
they have somuch difficulty sorting throughtheir that "something'sthe matter," that you "need a
thoughts - that they're unable to figure out what's minute to think," that you "don't know what to do,"
frustratingthem, inwhich case theprocessof prob that you "need a break," or that you "don't like that."
lem solving comes to an abrupt halt, the problem The reminder "use your words" won't help at all if a
doesn'tget solved,and theirfrustration
heightens(of kid doesn't have thewords. It's the lack of words that
ten setting in motion one of the behaviors on the often sets the stageforchallengingbehavior.
spectrum). Many are so disorganized that even if they Some kids cry or become withdrawn when they
can manage to figure out what problem they're trying manage inter
lackthe languageskills to successfully
to solve, they can't think of more than one solution actions with classmates and teachers.Of course, that's
to the problem. Many are so impulsive that even if themild end of the spectrum. Other kids express their
they can think of more than one solution, they've al feelings or needs with "Screw you," "I hate you,"
readydone the first thing that popped into their "Shut up," "Leaveme alone," and other more color
heads. The bad news? Our first solution is often (not ful expressions (now we're a little further down the
always,but often) ourworst.Good solutionsusually spectrum).And stillothersvault rightpast these in
come tomind after we've inhibited our less optimalappropriateverbaloptions andwind up expressing
initialimpulsesand consideredour betteroptions in themselvesphysically (shoving, hitting, throwing
amore organizedfashion. Many kids- often thedis things,destroyingproperty,runningout of the class
organized,impulsiveones-are notorious forput room).
ting their"worstfoot forward."Inotherwords, there A crucialdevelopmentalleapoccurswhen kids be
aremany kidswho are respondingto life'schallenges gin to usewords to let theworld knowwhat's bug
in a maladaptive fashionbecause they aren't very ging them,what theyneed, andwhat they'rethink
skilledatorganizingtheirthoughts,thinkingof alter ing.The social,emotional,and behavioralchallenges
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emotion, and that'sgood. But kidswho lackskill in
thisdomain tend to respondto problemsor frustra
tionswith more emotion and less (or no) thought,
and that's not good at all. Learning how to put your
emotions "on the shelf" so as to be able to think ra
tionally is an essentialdevelopmentalskill, and one
many challengingkids have failedto develop.
At the milder end of the spectrum, kids who are
having difficulty separatingthought from emotion
may becomehighlyanxiousover,forexample,an up
coming test, a new socialsituation,not understand
ing an assignment,or being embarrassedin frontof
their classmates. They may cry over a bad grade, at not
beingpickedfirstfora team,orwhen theyfeelsocial
When lagging skills are invoked lyexcluded.At themore extremeendof thespectrum,
as excuses, the door slams theiremotionsmay burst throughin such a powerful
way that they scream,swear,throw something,hit
shut on the process of thinking somebody,or worse. These kids may actually feel
themselves"heatingup"but often aren'table to stem
about how to teach the kid the when theemotionshave
theemotionaltideuntil later,
subsidedand rationalthoughthas returned. Natural
skills he lacks. ly,theheating-upprocesswill be greatlyintensifiedif
of many kids can be traced back to a developmental adults or peers respond in away that adds fuel to the
lag in these and relateddomains.Regrettably,lan fire.
guage-processingproblems are frequently over IN FOCUS
looked.Adults often don't think to assesslanguage
Difficulty seeing the "grays"; concrete, literal,
skillswhen they're trying to figure out why a challeng
black-and-white thinking.
And sometimesthe testingin
ingkid ischallenging.
strumentationused in standardlanguageassessments Difficulty deviating from rules, routine, original
plan.
doesn't pick up on some of the finer-grained language
issues thatmay be involved; in such cases, the test re Difficulty handling unpredictability, ambiguity,
uncertainty, novelty.
sults may not only fail to pinpoint the kid's difficul
ties,but alsoerroneouslyconcludethatthekid hasno Difficulty shifting from original idea or solution;
languagedifficultiesat all. difficulty adapting to changes in plan; possibly
perseverative or obsessive.
Can kids be taught to articulate their concerns,
needs,and thoughtsmore effectively? Absolutely.But Inflexible, inaccurate interpretations; cognitive
distortions or biases.
not until adultsunderstandthat it's the lackof these
skillsthat issettingthestageforchallengingbehavior.
Youngkids tendtobe fairlyrigid,black-and-white,
IN FOCUS They're stillmaking sense
literal,inflexiblethinkers.
Difficulty managing emotional response to of the world, and it's easier to put two and two to
frustration so as to think rationally (separation of gether if they don't have toworry about exceptions to
affect).
the rule or alternative ways of looking at things. As
kids develop, they learn that, in fact, most things in
Separation of affect refers to the ability to separate life are "gray,"that there are exceptions to the rule and
the emotions (affect) you're feeling in response to a waysof interpretingthings.Sometimeswe
alternative
problemor frustrationfrom the thinkingyoumust have a substitute teacher, a field trip needs to be
do to resolvethe problem.While emotions can be rescheduledbecauseof theweather,someone issitting
quite useful formobilizing or energizingpeople to in our usual seat in the cafeteria,recesshas to be in
solveproblems,thinkingishow problemsget solved. doors insteadof outdoors.
Kids skilledat separatingaffect tend to respondto Unfortunately,forsomekids, "gray"thinkingdoes
problems or frustrationswith more thought than n't developas readily.Though someof thesekids are

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tionstoaworldwhere fewsuchrulesapply.Some sulk
or become anxiouswhen eventsdon't conform to
theiroriginal configurationor when they've inter
pretedan event in a distortedfashion.Some scream.
Some swear.Or throw things. Of course, those are the
things they do. All that tells you iswhere they are on
the spectrumof challengingbehaviors.Now you
know why and when they'redoing them.That's
where theaction'sat.

Kids who haven't responded


to natural consequences don't
need more consequences.

Can black-and-whitethinkersbe helped to think


Tomove fromanoriginalway of think
more flexibly?
ing and adapt to circumstancesor perspectivesthey
may not have taken into account?Most definitely ...
so long as adults recognize that it's hard to teach kids
to bemore flexibleby being inflexiblethemselves.
There's a big differencebetween interpretingthe
laggingskillsdescribedaboveas "excuses" ratherthan
When laggingskillsare invokedas
as "explanations."
excuses, the door slams shut on the process of think
ing about how to teach the kid the skills he lacks.
Conversely,when laggingskillsare invokedas expla
nations for a kid's behavior, the door to helping
swings wide open.
diagnosedwith disorderssuch as nonverballearning
UNSOLVED PROBLEMS
disabilityor Asperger'sdisorder,it'smore useful to
thinkof themas "black-and-white thinkersstuck in a So far,you've read about a sampling of the lagging
grayworld."Predictably,thesekids aremost likelyto skills thatcan set the stagefor challengingbehavior,
exhibit challengingbehaviorwhen theworld places but there'sanotherpieceof information missing.We
demandson them forgray thinking. can learn a lot about a kid's social, emotional, and be
Many suchkids arequite comfortable with factual havioralchallenges,and identifypotentialavenuesfor
informationbecause it's black-and-whitebut grow intervention,by noting the situationsinwhich chal
uncomfortablewhen life demandsproblem solving lenging behavior ismost likely to occur. A situation
because it'sgray.These kids lovedetails (black-and al analysis can give you invaluable information about
white) but aren't so adept at handling ambiguity the circumstances or unsolved problems - some
(gray)and oftenmiss the "bigpicture"(gray).They times called triggers or antecedents- that precipitate
but don't do
lovepredictability(it'sblack-and-white) social,emotional,and behavioralchallenges.
sowell when thingsare unpredictable(gray).They For example, if a kid ishaving some of his greatest
lovecertainty(black-and-white) and routines(black difficulties during circle time, then circle time is a cir
and-white)but don't handle uncertainty (gray)or cumstanceprecipitatingchallengingbehavior.If akid
changesinplan (gray)verywell. gettingalongwith otherkidsdur
ishavingdiffilculty
These black-and-whitethinkersoften presentsig ing recess,thengettingalongwith other kids during
nificantchallengesto theirteachersand classmatesas recessis an unsolvedproblemprecipitatingchalleng
they struggleto applyconcreterulesand interpreta ing behavior.And if a kid is refusingtOworkwhen

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pairedwith a particularclassmate,thenworkingwith isn'tespeciallyeffectivefor the challengingones be
thatparticularclassmateisa circumstance
or unsolved cause it doesn't teachany laggingskillsor solve any
problemprecipitatingchallengingbehavior.A lotof problems.
adults nominate theword "no" as a trigger.But it's not
specificenough. It'swhat theadult is saying"no"to
-going to thebathroom (yetagain),sharpeninga There's a big difference
- that
pencil (yetagain),excessivetalkingor teasing
helps adultsknow the specificproblem theyneed to between interpreting the
solve (so they don't have to keep saying "no" so of
ten).We know theseproblemshaven'tbeen solvedyet
lagging skills as "excuses"
becausethey'restill setting the stageformaladaptive rather than as ''explanations.
behavior.
NEW LENSES
What option invariablykicks in next?Those very
There aremany lensesthroughwhich challenging powerful,ever-present,and inescapablenaturalcon
behavior in kids can be viewed. Here's themantra that sequences:praise, approval,embarrassment,being
encapsulatesthe view of this author:Behind every scolded, being liked or disliked, being invited to
challenging behavior is an unsolved problem or a lag things(ornot), and so forth.Challengingkids expe
ging skill (orboth). riencelotsof naturalconsequencesbut are farmore
Whether a kid is sulking,pouting,whining,with likely to experiencethe punishingvariety than their
drawing, refusing to talk, curling up in a fetal posi lesschallengingcounterparts. While naturalconse
tion, crying, spitting, screaming, swearing, running quences are inescapable,they don't teach lagging
out of the classroom,kicking, hitting, destroying thinkingskillsor solveproblems,so formany chal
property,orworse, youwon't knowwhat todo about lengingkids theyaren'tespeciallyeffectiveat reduc
the challengingbehavioruntil you've identifiedthe ingdifficultbehavior.
laggingskillsor unsolvedproblemsthatgave rise to If thefirsttwooptionsdon't achievethedesiredef
it.Laggingskillsare thewhyof challengingbehavior. fect, adults usually turn to a third option and add
Unsolved problems are the who, what, when, and more consequences,thoseof the imposed,"logical,"
where. cunnatural," or "artificial"variety. These include pun
Once you have a decent handle on a kid's lagging ishments,such as staying in from recess,time-out
skillsand unsolvedproblems,you've takenamajor from reinforcement,detention, suspension,and ex
step in the rightdirectionbecausethekid'schalleng pulsion;and rewards,such as specialprivileges.Of
ing episodes are now highly predictable,which is course, the kids who are on the receiving end of most
good news if you're a teacher and have a class full of imposed,logicalconsequences aretheoneswho haven't
25 other students. You don't have towait until the kid respondedto natural consequences.But imposed,
is disrupting the class before you try to teach skills or logicalconsequencesdon't teachlaggingskillsor help
solve problems; you can do it in advance because the kids solveproblemsany better than naturalconse
disruption ispredictable.A lotof adults find it hard quencesdo. Indeed,when logicalconsequencesare
to believe that a kid's challenging behaviors are high being liberallyappliedbut arenot effectivelyreduc
ly predictable,believing insteadthat such behaviors ingakid'schallengingbehavior,I thinkthey'reprob
are unpredictable and occur out of the blue. But that's ably more accurately referred to as illogical conse
not true, not if you know what skills the child is lack quences.
ing and what his triggers are. My view is that kids who haven't responded to nat
ural consequencesdon't need more consequences,
ILLOGICALCONSEQUENCES
they need adults who are knowledgeable about how
Beforemoving on, let'sconsiderwhy consequences challenging kids come to be challenging, who can
may not be an effective way to teach skills or help kids identifythe laggingskillsandunsolvedproblemsthat
solveproblems.There area varietyof ways tOaddress are setting the stage formaladaptivebehavior,and
a kid's challengingbehavior.One commonoption is who know how to teach those skillsand help solve
to simply tell thekid you don't approveof his behav thoseproblems. We've learneda lot about children's
ior and to suggestalternativebehaviors. While this brainsin the last30 years.It's time forour actions to
canbe an effectiveapproachfora lotof kids, itoften reflectour knowledge. KC

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