STUDENT DEVELOPMENT AUTOBIOGRAPHY 1

Student Development Theory Autobiography

Katelyn Spencer

California State University, Fresno

Student Development Theory Autobiography

When I first enrolled in college, I had just completed high school and chose to enroll at

the local community college in my home town. I was living with my parents at the time, and my

main concern was to not be a financial burden on them as they had generously offered to pay for

my schooling. This factor had a huge impact on my decision to not attend a four-year college

after graduation. Even though I chose to attend a two-year college compared to a four-year

college, the type of institution did not stop me from putting all of my hard work and dedication

into my school work.

Although I am not the first in my family to attend college, neither of my parents earned a

college degree and went to work after they graduated from high school and could provide little

knowledge on what was expected to obtain a college degree. My brother attended the University

of Southern California, and was the closest, and only, point of reference that I could rely on

when it came to what needed to be done to earn a degree. However, by the time I attended

community college, he had since graduated and was focused on taking care of his first child,

which made me feel as though I could not ask him any questions about what college life was

like. On top of that, because he went straight to a four-year institution rather than going to a

community college first, he would not have been able to relate to what that type of education

experience would look like. Needless to say, I had no immediate family around me that I could

rely on to help me navigate college, and it was up to me to understand what is expected of me

and do everything I could to succeed.

The work load and expectation to receive high marks in all my classes came naturally,

and I was able to handle it with ease. During this time I also held a part-time job at the

community college’s bookstore, which scheduled me for the full twenty hour a week shift on top
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of my full-time credit load. Although the part-time job was just another factor in developing time

management skills, I was able to adapt to the expectation put on me to work and take college

courses at the same time. The expectation to remain productive and go to work and school at the

same time was an additional pressure imposed on by my parents, and I felt as though I had to

listen to my parents because they knew best. My parents constantly reminded me of the fact that

had I not decided to attend college I would be expected to immediately find full-time work. At

the time, and even now, I recognized that an eighteen year old who just graduated high school

with little to no work experience was going to find a full-time job with benefits was very

unlikely. It was hard to explain to them that sort of practice was not how companies hire

anymore, which had radically shifted from how they were able to find jobs right after high

school. Before I knew I was accepted to the community college, they expected me to report back

on how many jobs I had applied to so that I would not waste my time while I was at home. I

struggled with this aspect in the beginning, as work cut into the spare time I had to finish projects

and papers, but I had to make do of my situation.

Up until my second year of community college, I felt like I was merely following the

expectations and whims of others, especially from my immediate family. One of the only

comforts I had was that I was able to choose to pursue a degree in art and design. My mentality

was that I wanted a degree that I was happy to work towards rather than pursuing a degree and

taking courses for something that would only put me in a position to get a job and being

miserable while doing so. However, that did not mean that I did not receive push back from my

parents for pursuing a degree in art and design, and I was pressured into pursing a certificate in

bookkeeping from the community college to appease them. Although I did reap some of the
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benefits of the bookkeeping certificate, a part of me complied with their demand so that they

would stop pressuring me to pursue a “real” degree.

These experiences during the beginning of my undergraduate career coincide with Baxter

Magolda’s (2001) crossroads section in her theory of self-authorship. This section is

characterized by an individual having conflicting feelings of “what they wanted and what others

expected of them” (Baxter Magolda, 2001, p. 94). I was internally struggling with wanting to go

to college for myself and taking courses in a field that I enjoyed versus going to college and

obtaining a degree in what my parents wanted. However, it is in this same section of self-

authorship that denotes “a need to stop depending on external influences totally” (Baxter

Magolda et al., 2012, p. 67). Out of my own frustrations with the situation I was in, I was

beginning to realize that I could not allow my parents, or anyone else, to decide what I wanted to

do with my college career just so that I could please them. I knew what I wanted to accomplish

and be my own person when it came to my education. However, there was still that conflict of

listening to external voices versus developing my own internal voice (Baxter Magolda et al.,

2012). When I began my second year of college, it was a turning point developing my

confidence and inner voice.

My second year of community college was a defining moment in my identity

development as this was when I entered into a same-sex relationship with my current long-term

partner. When I was in, and had graduated from, high school, I was not against the thought of

being in a relationship of someone of the same gender as it did not matter to be with how they

would identify. However, I never anticipated that it would actually happen. When I was first

confessed to, I was unsure of my feelings, and the implications of what it means to be confessed

to by another woman. This set me down the path of exploring and questioning my previous
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heterosexual relationships and critically looking at why my previous relationships never worked

out. That is not to say that those previous relationships were not meaningful or impactful, but the

feelings that I had for her were drastically different compared to what I felt with her. I would

consider this exploration of my sexual identity falling into the beginning stages of Dillon et al.’s

(2011) unifying model of sexual identity development. Entering into this relationship is what

lead to me moving into what Dillon et al. (2011) called active exploration, which is traditionally

characterized by the “purposeful exploration, evaluation, or experimentation of one’s sexual

needs, values, orientation and/or other preferences for activities, partner characteristics, or modes

of sexual expression” (p. 660). Even though this move traditionally takes place prior to entering

into a relationship, I found myself having to navigate coming to terms with being no longer

considering myself heterosexual and concurrently exploring this new identity (Dillon et al.,

2011). I struggled with coming to terms with this identity as I was unsure of how to navigate this

type of relationship in the beginning, and I lacked support from the LGBT+ community because

I feared that my relationship would be considered disingenuous.

For many months, I was agonizing over what this relationship meant while only revealing

our relationship to a select group of people. “What would others think of this relationship?”,

“What are the consequences?”, and “Would I still be accepted by those who mean the most to

me?” were questions that were flying through my mind, and only served to heighten my anxiety

of revealing out relationship to my family. I learned later that these feelings were common for

those who were raised with preconceived notions of who would be considered a preferred

partner, such as opposite gender (Dillon et al., 2011). I found that I was more concerned about

receiving approval from others which had an impact on my decision to conform to the

expectation of others versus what I knew would make me happy, similar to what Baxter Magolda
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(2001) pointed out in relation to the self-authorship theory. Baxter Magolda et al. (2012) also

noted that these types of feelings are based around how important figures in your life would feel

and was a critical factor in deciding whether or not I should come out to my parents.

When I was finally confident enough to disclose my relationship to my parents indirectly,

I felt as though a new path was opened up for me. This feeling was characterized by a realization

that I can finally have more autonomy over my life, and that I did not have to allow the

expectations of others dictate how I live my life and how I should pursue my education. This

shift in my internal voice and identity development is a characteristic of Josselson’s (1987)

theory of women’s development, more specifically the identity achievements pathway. Identity

achievements signifies a change in women who “break the psychological ties to their childhood

and form separate, distinct identities” (Patton et al., 2016, p. 295). Josselson noted that a

woman’s identity is an amalgamation of “aspects of who they were with whom they choose to

become” despite feelings of guilt or anxiety that come with giving one’s self permission to have

autonomy over their life (1987, p. 72; 1996). I recognize that while I was embracing everything

that made up my identity up until that point, I was also taking advantage of the opportunity to

develop my identity into something that would be reflective of who I am as a person.

After transferring to a four-year college to complete my upper division level courses, I

noticed my desire to start building stronger relationships with not only my peers, but my

professors and employers as well. I was no longer just concerned about my own well-being but

the well-being of others as well, and I naturally stepped into the role of being the “mom friend”.

With this developing identity, I became more concerned about my peers and their backgrounds,

and the struggles that they had to endure throughout their life. As Chickering and Reisser (1993)

noted in Chickering’s developmental vectors, specifically within the developing mature

interpersonal relationships vector, relationships with others and having the capacity to

understand their experiences can lead to one’s own development. Conversely, this developmental

vector further developed as a result from a falling out with a once close friend from high school

while I was still in community college. The behavior that was displayed at the time and the

contradictory actions that took place between myself and this friend was slowly turning our once

friendly relationship into one that was exasperating to have to deal with and frustrating when this

friend claimed that they were acting like an adult when all actions proved otherwise. It was at

this time that I recognized that there was an unhealthy relationship between the two of us, and I

had to critically assess and determine if it was worth my mental and emotional health to remain

friends. Ultimately, a falling out between this individual and my group of friends took place, an

occurrence that I did not lead, which lead to the decision that the best course of action would be

to no longer have contact with one another. As a result, the need arose to reevaluate my current

relationships. I had to determine if my remaining relationships were reciprocally nurturing for

myself and the other individual, and assess if they were going to remain long-lasting

relationships, a common trait within this vector (Chickering & Reisser, 1993). Ultimately, those

individuals who I kept in close contact with during this time of turmoil have remained some of

my closest confidants.

During this time, I became more concerned with understanding my friend’s views on the

environment around them. Most of my friends throughout my undergraduate career were

students who were minoritized, and some had a drastically different view of the world compared

to my own upbringing. I wanted to understand what factors impacted their way of thinking, and

how each and every one of us has a unique story to tell. I would have considered this train of

thought the beginning stages of developing a constructivist lens based around Chickering’s
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theory concerning interpersonal relationships. Creswell and Creswell (2018) define

constructivism as relying “as much as possible on the participants’ views of the situation being

studied”, which I believe fuels my desire to understand other’s worldviews, and can in turn lend

itself to developing meaningful and intimate relationships (p. 8). Because of my desire to

understand other points of view and empathize with others, I was unconsciously constructing a

new identity based strongly around relationships and the desire to help where I could, even if I

was merely a sounding board for others to share their experiences.

In recounting the various ways that I have seen my own identity develop through my

undergraduate career, it would be considered negligent on my part if I did not recognize the part

that my partner played in the development of my current identity, both in the confidence that I

exude and the relationships that I have built on trust. Although I lacked support from my

immediate family when it came to my wants and desires in my educational career, she was my

foundation and the one who supported many of my decisions since our meeting in my second

year of college. She understood how important it was for me to pursue a degree in art and design,

even if we both knew it was not going to lead to a high paying job upon graduation. However,

she never suggested that I should change my major just to appease other people and help me

focus on what was important to me and my future. The decision to choose to abandon my major,

to keep to myself, and not wanting to be involved on campus were very real educational

challenges for me, and if it were not for her support, I do not believe I would have remained on

the same undergraduate path that I started on because I lacked the confidence and conviction for

myself.

As I reflect on how I developed through my undergraduate education, it was a struggle to

gain the courage that I needed to develop my own identity and not allow others to dictate what I
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should be just to please them. However, despite the growth that I experienced at both my two-

year and four-year institution, I believe that my identity is not as fully developed as it should be

for someone my age. Baxter Magolda et al. (2012) noted an aspect of the crossroads pathway

that is characterized by understanding and listening to my inner voice while simultaneously

being influenced by external voices. Although I am much for confident now that I have had some

time to grow and develop more into the confident and dependable person I strive to be, I

continue to struggle with placing my thoughts and values first rather than what I do being

dictated by others. I believe that my current role as an administrative assistant has temporarily

cemented me in this section of Baxter Magolda’s self-authorship theory as I have the ability to

voice my viewpoint and concerns over something, but I am at the whim of my supervisors and

their final decision of what needs to be done. Although the process is slow, I am working on

developing my inner voice and growing more confident in expressing my beliefs and standing

behind my convictions without allowing another person to sway me with a contrasting point of

view (Baxter Magolda et al., 2001).

In student affairs, if we wish to have the most impact on our students, I now understand

just how imperative it is to understand our own growth and development. Even though every one

of us has a unique identity, it is vital that we recognize that all of us are developing at different

rates and have different levels of proficiency in specific areas. I believe that if I have the

opportunity share my story of how I developed my identity, I would hope that it would inspire

others to evaluate their own identity development and provide them with the tools and resources

that they need to critically think about themselves on a holistic level.

References

Baxter Magolda, M. B. (2001). Making their own way: Narratives for transforming higher

education to promote self-development. Stylus.

Baxter Magolda, M. B., King, P. M., Perez, R. J., & Taylor, K. B. (2012). Assessing meaning

making and self-authorship: Theory, research, and application [Special issue]. ASHE

Higher Education Report, 38(3), 1-138. https://doi.org/10.1002/aehe.20003

Chickering, A. W., & Reisser, L. (1993). Education and identity (2nd ed.). Jossey-Bass.

Cresswell, J. W., & Cresswell, J. D. (2018). Research design: Qualitative, quantitative, and mix

methods approaches (5th ed.). Sage.

Dillon, F. R., Worthington, R. L., & Moradi, B. (2011). Sexual identity as a universal process. In

S. J. Schwartz, K. Luyckx, & V. L. Vignoles (Eds.), Handbook of identity theory and

research (p. 649-670). Springer Science + Business Media. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-

1-4419-7988-9_27

Josselson, R. (1987). Finding herself: Pathways to identity development in women (1st ed.).

Jossey-Bass.

Josselson, R. (1996). Revising herself: The story of women’s identity from college to midlife.

Oxford University Press.

Patton, L. D., Renn, K. A., Guido, F. M., Quaye, S. J., & Evans, N. J. (2016). Student

development in college: Theory, research, and Practice (3rd ed.). Jossey-Bass.