Level 2 Training Manual

Copyright © 2000–2014 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.
Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

PROPER USE OF THESE MATERIALS
Please note that copyright and other laws protect these materials. Participants in Gottman
Method Therapy training workshops have our permission to reproduce materials as necessary
for use with their clients in couples therapy and for no other use. If a therapist wishes to place
Gottman Method Assessments on their personal web site, they may do so only on their own
private website for use with their own clients, and may do so only if passcode access is required
of their clients, so that public access is prohibited. They do not have our permission to use these
methods or materials in any form to offer workshops either for couples or for other therapists or
to make these materials available to the public. This permission is reserved as the sole province of
The Gottman Institute, Inc., and may be revoked at any time. Any misuse of these materials may
be the subject of legal action.
COPYRIGHT AND TRADEMARK NOTICE
Copyright © 2000–2014 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. All
rights reserved. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc. This manual may
not be used, modified, rented, leased, loaned, sublicensed, distributed, re-distributed, or
reproduced in any manner whatsoever, in whole or in part, without the written permission
of The Gottman Institute.
The “Gottman Method” is a trademark owned by The Gottman Institute, Inc. Any
promotion of this trademark or the Gottman name without the express written
permission of the Institute may be subject to legal action.
“The Gottman Institute,” “Gottman Therapist,” “Gottman Trained Therapist,” “Certified

Gottman Therapist,” “Couples Therapy: A Research-Based Approach,” “The Gottman
Referral Network,” “The Art and Science of Love,” “The Sound Relationship House,” and
our logo are trademarks of The Gottman Institute and may not be used in any manner
without the prior written consent of The Gottman Institute.
A Certified Gottman TherapistTM
A Certified Gottman Therapist is an individual who has completed the certification program
offered by The Gottman Institute. This program includes completion of the following steps of
training:
GOTTMAN METHOD COUPLES THERAPY:
1. Level 1—Bridging the Couple Chasm—

A two-day professional workshop led by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz
Gottman or by a Certified Gottman Trainer, either in person or on DVD/videotape
2. Level 2—Assessment, Intervention, and Co-Morbidities—
A three-day workshop led by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman
or a Certified Gottman Trainer, either in person or on DVD/videotape
3. Level 3—Practicum Training—
A three-day workshop led by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman or by
a Certified Gottman Master Trainer
4. Certification Track—
• Consultation
At least eight individual sessions or 12 group sessions of consultation with a Senior
Certified Gottman Therapist Consultant
• Tape Review
Submission and passing of required DVD/videotapes for review by a Senior Cer-
tified Gottman Therapist Video Reviewer.
Please note: Any therapist or health professional that has not completed ALL of the
above requirements may not refer to him- or herself as a “Certified Gottman Therapist,”
“Gottman Therapist,” “Gottman Trained Therapist,” “Gottman Method Therapist,”
“Level 1, 2, or 3 Gottman Therapist” or any name of similar title. Use of these terms are
reserved ONLY for use by Certified Gottman Therapists, as they have demonstrated
their competency in these methods. Certified Gottman Therapists must comply with our
guidelines for continued use of this certification mark.
For more information on becoming a Certified Gottman Therapist,

please contact us at 888-523-9042, ext. 2 or email training@gottman.com
TERMINOLOGY
Therapists that have completed The Gottman Institute’s Levels 1, 2, or 3 training in
Gottman Method Couples Therapy may use the following description(s) to represent
themselves.
COMPLETED LEVEL 1 TRAINING IN GOTTMAN METHOD COUPLES

THERAPY:
a. Therapists may state that they have completed Level 1 Training in Gottman
Method Couples Therapy, and that they use Gottman Method Couples Therapy
in their work.
b. Therapists may NOT refer to themselves as a “Level 1 Gottman Therapist,”
“Gottman Therapist,” “Gottman Trained Therapist,” “Gottman Method Thera-
pist,” “Certified Gottman Therapist,” or refer to themselves with a name of
similar title.
COMPLETED LEVEL 2 TRAINING IN GOTTMAN METHOD COUPLES

THERAPY:
a. Therapists may state that they have completed Level 2 Training in Gottman
Method Couples Therapy, and that they use Gottman Method Couples Therapy
in their therapy work.
pist,” “Certified Gottman Therapist,” or refer to themselves with a name of
similar title.
COMPLETED LEVEL 3 PRACTICUM TRAINING:
a. Therapists may state that they have completed the Level 3 Practicum Train-
ing in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, and that they use Gottman Method
Couples Therapy in their therapy work.
“Certified Gottman Therapist,” “Gottman Therapist,” “Gottman Trained
Therapist,” “Gottman Method Therapist,” or refer to themselves with a name of
similar title.
CERTIFICATION TRACK:
Participated in Certification Consultation Training in Gottman Method Couples

Therapy:
a. Therapists may state that they have participated in Certification Consultation
Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, and that they use Gottman
Method Couples Therapy in their therapy work.
b. Therapists may NOT refer to themselves as having “completed Consultation
Training,” or as a “Level 3 Gottman Therapist,” “Certified Gottman Therapist,”
pist,” or refer to themselves with a name of similar title.
Completed Certification Consultation and Video Review in Gottman Method

Couples Therapy:
a. Therapists may state that they have completed Level 3 Certification Training
in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, and that they use Gottman Method
Couples Therapy in their therapy work.
b. Therapists MAY refer to themselves as a “Certified Gottman Therapist,” “Gott-
man Therapist,” “Gottman Trained Therapist,” “Gottman Method Therapist,”
or refer to themselves with a name of similar title once they have completed the
post-Level 3 consultation process and have passed all required video segments
for Certification Video Review and have received a certificate designating them
as a Certified Gottman Therapist. The preferred recognized title by The Gott-
man Institute is, “Certified Gottman Therapist.”
i
Created by
Drs. John and Julie Gottman
ii
About Drs. John and Julie Gottman
John Gottman, Ph.D., is world renowned for his work on relationship stability and divorce
prediction, involving the study of emotions, physiology, and communication. Dr. Gottman is the
co-founder of The Gottman Institute where he currently teaches weekend workshops for couples
and clinical training workshops for professionals. He is the Executive Director of the Relationship
Research Institute, where programs have been developed for parents transitioning to parenthood
and are beginning a new research project on treatment for Domestic Violence. He is Professor
Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he founded “The Love Lab” at
which much of his research on couples’ interactions was conducted. His 40 years of breakthrough
research on marriage, relationships and parenting has earned him numerous major awards.
Dr. Gottman is the author of 190 published academic articles and author/co-author of 40 books,
including the bestselling The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; What Makes Love Last?;
The Relationship Cure; Why Marriages Succeed or Fail; and Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child.
He was recently voted as one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-
century by the PsychoTherapy Networker publication.
Dr. Gottman is also available for intensive marathon couples therapy on Orcas Island, WA, where
both he and Dr. Julie Gottman also offer weekend retreats for small groups of couples.
Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D., is the co-founder and President of The Gottman Institute,
co-creator of a curriculum for couples in poverty, and Clinical Director for the Couples Together
Against Violence research study. A highly respected licensed clinical psychologist and educator,
she is sought internationally by media and organizations as an expert advisor on marriage, the
treatment of trauma, the treatment of affairs, sexual harassment and rape, domestic violence,
gay and lesbian adoption, same-sex marriage, and parenting issues. She is the co-creator of the
immensely popular Art & Science of Love weekend workshops for couples, and she co-designed
the national clinical training program in Gottman Couples Therapy. Dr. Gottman was also
recently honored as the Washington State Psychologist of the Year. Julie is the author/co-author
of three books: Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, And Baby Makes Three, and The Marriage
Clinic Casebook, and receives wide recognition for her clinical psychotherapy treatment, with
specialization in distressed couples, abuse and trauma survivors, substance abusers and their
partners, and cancer patients and their families
Inspiring, empowering, respectful, and kind, Julie’s leadership of The Gottman Institute has made
it possible to identify and integrate the expertise of her staff, therapists, and the wider research
and therapeutic community. Her commitment to excellence and integrity assures that as The
Gottman Institute grows, it continues to maintain the highest ethical and scientific standards.
She is in private practice in the Seattle area, providing intensive marathon therapy sessions for
couples.
iii
Welcome to
Gottman Method Couples Therapy
Level 2
Assessment, Intervention, and Co-Morbidities
Dear Clinician,
Welcome to Level 2: Assessment, Intervention, and Co-Morbidities training for mental health
professionals. This workshop provides a wealth of information about relationship theory, observation,
couple dynamics, relationship assessment, treatment planning, when and how to use interventions,
and working with co-morbidities. All materials may be used in clinical settings.
At the completion of Level 2, you should have the clinical familiarity, knowledge and resources to
integrate Gottman Method Couples Therapy assessments and intervention into your practice.
In this you will learn:
• How to assess the quality of a couple’s friendship, romance and passion using Gottman
Method Assessments;
• How to assess the effectiveness of a couple’s management of conflict and what key areas need
improvement, and
• How to evaluate a couple’s ability to create shared meaning and honor each other’s dreams.
You will be able to use research-based interventions to strengthen your couple’s relationship skills,
including:
• How to interrupt the Four Horsemen in order to have a more constructive dialogue;
• How to physiologically self-soothe in order to prevent escalated quarrels;
• How to avoid “Attack-Defend” cycles in order to listen, and
• How to help couples dialogue about their grid-locked conflicts, rather than avoid them.
You will be able to help your couples deepen their connection by:
• Helping them create rituals of connection, and

• Guiding them to create a system of shared values and meaning.
And for the more difficult couples, you’ll be aided to:
• Identify, assess and provide intervention for at least five different co-morbidities common to
couples, including affairs, PTSD, domestic violence, and addiction.
Wishing you all the best,

John M. Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D.
iv
Objectives
1. Describe the three qualities every therapist needs.

2. Explain the basics of observation including why it’s important to recognize Emotions
on the Human Face, Tension in the Voice, the Importance of Words and the use of the
SPAFF coding system.
3. Describe the seven levels of the Sound Relationship House theory.
4. Describe how to recognize Bids and Turning Towards.
5. Explain and demonstrate how to conduct an Oral History Interview.
6. Assess a couple’s “Friendship Profile,” “Conflict Profile,” and “Shared Meanings Profile”.
7. Explain and demonstrate how to use the 3 profiles to choose appropriate interventions for
the couple.
8. Describe the use of the core assessments with couples, including the Locke-Wallace,
Weiss-Cerretto, Gottman Sounds Relationship House Questionnaires, Gottman 19
Areas Checklist, EAQ, SCL-90, Detour Scales, CAGE, b-MAST, and Supplemental
Assessments.
9. Formulate a treatment plan and present it to the couple including using the Sound
Relationship House model.
10. Develop interventions that couples can use as antidotes to the “Four Horsemen.”
11. Help couples to physiologically soothe when flooded.
12. Select and implement interventions to help deal with conflict.
13. Apply different modes of changing the “Attack/Defend System” in a couples interaction.
14. Assist couples to establish dialogue about their grid-locked conflicts.
15. Select and implement interventions to help couples deepen their “Friendship System” with
Rituals of Connection.
16. Select and implement interventions to help couples create a shared system of values and
meaning.
17. Use and describe the Stress-Reducing Conversation to minimize relapse.
18. Identify and formulate a plan for different co-morbidities common to couples using
Gottman Method Couples Therapy Assessment and Intervention.
19. Describe how to apply Gottman Method Couples Therapy to a couple who has experi-
enced an affair.
20. Describe when it is appropriate and inappropriate to use Gottman Method Couples
Therapy with a couple dealing with substance abuse.
21. Describe the differences between situational and characterological domestic violence and
when it is appropriate and inappropriate to use Gottman Method couples therapy with a
couple dealing with domestic violence.
v
Gottman Method Couples Therapy

Level 2
Assessment, Intervention, and Co-Morbidities
OUTLINE
DAY ONE
INTRODUCTION
• Overview of Workshop
BASICS OF OBSERVATION
• Emotions in the Human Face
• Tension in the Voice
• The Words Themselves
BIDS AND TURNING

• Overview
• “Spain Without Interest,” “Bread With Interest”
• “Greg and Jennie—Northwest Afternoon”
SESSION #1: ASSESSMENT

FRIENDSHIP PROFILE: ORAL HISTORY INTERVIEW
• The spirit of the interview
• Content and Questions in the interview
• Coding notes
• Oral History Benchmarks
• FILM: “Oral History Interview Samples”
EVALUATING CONFLICT AND REPAIR

• Setting up a Conflict Discussion
• Evaluating Conflict
• Gridlocked Conflict
• Videotaping and Physiological Flooding
SESSION #1: PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER

• FILM: “Initial Session”
• Couple’s Narrative
• Oral History Interview
• Conflict Discussion
• Group role play practice: Oral History Interview
vi
SESSION #2: INDIVIDUAL INTERVIEWS

• FILM: “Assessment Individual Session - Michael & Trudi”
• Assessment Questionnaires and Scoring
• Scoring Summary Sheet
SESSION #3: GIVING FEEDBACK AND TREATMENT PLANNING

FEEDBACK SESSION
• Overview
• Feedback Session benchmarks
• Clinician’s Checklist for Relationship Assessment
• Sound Relationship House Theory
• Gottman Method Clinical Hours Documentation Form
• Gottman Treatment Plan Form
• FILM: “Masters and Disasters”
• Group Role Play Practice: Feedback Session
GOTTMAN METHOD INTERVENTIONS

INTERVENTION OVERVIEW
• Intervention benchmarks
• Three qualities every therapist needs
INTERVENTIONS TO MANAGE CONFLICT
INTERVENTION: GENTLE START-UP
CASE INTRODUCTION: STEVE AND CRYSTA

• FILM: “Family Dinner”
• FILM: “Four Horsemen Examples”
INTERVENTION: LABEL THE FOUR HORSEMEN AND REPLACE THEM

WITH THEIR ANTIDOTES
• FILM: “Four Horsemen examples”
vii
DAY TWO
INTERVENTIONS TO MANAGE CONFLICT

INTERVENTION: FLOODING
• FILM: “Flooding & Soothing”
• Group Role Play: Flooding
INTERVENTION: GOTTMAN-RAPOPORT EXERCISE

• FILM: “Gottman-Rapoport Intervention”
• Group Role Play Practice: Gottman-Rapoport
INTERVENTION: THE DAN WILE INTERVENTION

• FILM: “Dan Wile Intervention”
• Group Role Play: Dan Wile
INTERVENTION: INTERNAL WORKING MODEL

• FILM: “Internal Working Model”
INTERVENTION: COMPROMISE
• FILM: “Compromise”
• Group role play practice: Compromise
INTERVENTION: DREAMS WITHIN CONFLICT

• FILM: “Dreams Within Conflict”
• Group role play practice: Dreams Within Conflict
INTERVENTION: AFTERMATH OF A FIGHT OR REGRETTABLE INCIDENT
• FILM: “Aftermath of a Fight”

• Group role play: Aftermath of a Fight
INTERVENTIONS TO STRENGTHEN FRIENDSHIP AND ROMANCE

• Overview
• Turning Towards Exercises
INTERVENTION: WORKING ON FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION “I

APPRECIATE...” ADJECTIVE CHECKLIST
• FILM: “Working on Fondness & Admiration”
viii
DAY THREE
INTERVENTIONS TO STRENGTHEN FRIENDSHIP AND ROMANCE

(continued)
INTERVENTION: STRESS REDUCING CONVERSATION
• FILM: “Stress Reducing Conversation”

• Group role play exercise: Stress Reducing Conversation
INTERVENTIONS TO CREATE SHARED MEANING

INTERVENTION: CREATE SHARED MEANING AND BUILD RITUALS OF
CONNECTION
• FILM: “Rituals of Connection”
RELAPSE PREVENTION

CO-MORBIDITIES
DEALING WITH AFFAIRS
DEALING WITH ADDICTION
PTSD
DEALING WITH DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

• “Pit bulls”
• “Cobras”
• “CTAV Collage Video”
ix
CONTENTS
Outline................................................................................................................... v
1. Basic Observation..................................................................................1-1
1.1. Introduction..........................................................................................................1-1
1.2. Facial Expression Drawings................................................................................1-4
1.3. Facial Expression..............................................................................................1-12
1.3.1. About Brows.........................................................................................1-12
1.3.2. Beyond Brows......................................................................................1-17
1.3.3. Conversational Markers .......................................................................1-20
1.3.4. Detecting Emotion from FACS..............................................................1-21
1.3.5. Table of Action Units of the Human Face ...........................................1-22
1.4. Specific Affect Coding System Manual..............................................................1-23
1.4.1. DISGUST..............................................................................................1-24
1.4.2. CONTEMPT.........................................................................................1-25
1.4.3. BELLIGERENCE..................................................................................1-26
1.4.4. DOMINEERING....................................................................................1-28
1.4.5. CRITICISM...........................................................................................1-30
1.4.6. ANGER.................................................................................................1-32
1.4.7. TENSION..............................................................................................1-33
1.4.8. TENSE HUMOR...................................................................................1-35
1.4.9. DEFENSIVENESS...............................................................................1-36
1.4.10. WHINING..............................................................................................1-37
1.4.11. SADNESS............................................................................................1-38
1.4.12. STONEWALLING.................................................................................1-39
1.4.13. NEUTRAL.............................................................................................1-40
1.4.14. SPECIAL NOTE FOR POSITIVE CODES............................................1-41
1.4.15. INTEREST............................................................................................1-41
1.4.16. VALIDATION.........................................................................................1-43
1.4.17. AFFECTION.........................................................................................1-44
1.4.18. HUMOR................................................................................................1-46
1.4.19. SURPRISE/JOY...................................................................................1-46
1.4.20. SPAFF CRIB SHEET............................................................................1-48
2. Tension in the Voice...............................................................................2-1

2.1. Fear (Tension/Stress/Worry/Fear).......................................................................2-1
3. The Words Themselves..........................................................................3-1

3.1. How the Story Is Told...........................................................................................3-1
3.2. Specific Affect Coding System (10-Code Version) Test Tape Segments.............3-4
x
4. Bids and Turning....................................................................................4-1

4.1. Introduction..........................................................................................................4-1
4.2. Bids......................................................................................................................4-2
4.2.1. Definition.................................................................................................4-2
4.2.2. Bantering................................................................................................4-2
4.2.3. Exclusions..............................................................................................4-3
4.3. Bid Types.............................................................................................................4-3
4.3.1. Silent Bid................................................................................................4-3
4.3.2. Comment Bid..........................................................................................4-3
4.3.3. Question.................................................................................................4-4
4.3.4. Playful Bid...............................................................................................4-5
4.3.5. Negative Bid...........................................................................................4-6
4.3.6. Rebid......................................................................................................4-7
4.3.7. Drop Out.................................................................................................4-8
4.4. Turning Towards Responses...............................................................................4-8
4.4.1. Passive Response..................................................................................4-8
4.4.2. Low-Energy Response...........................................................................4-9
4.4.3. Attentive Response..............................................................................4-10
4.4.4. Enthusiastic Response......................................................................... 4-11
4.4.5. Playful Response..................................................................................4-12
4.5. Turning Against Response.................................................................................4-12
4.5.1. Contempt..............................................................................................4-13
4.5.2. Belligerence..........................................................................................4-13
4.5.3. Domineering.........................................................................................4-13
4.5.4. Criticism................................................................................................4-13
4.5.5. Defensiveness......................................................................................4-13
4.6. Turning Away Response....................................................................................4-14
4.6.1. Preoccupied Away................................................................................4-14
4.6.2. Interrupt Away.......................................................................................4-14
4.6.3. Disregard Away....................................................................................4-14
4.7. Embedded Codes..............................................................................................4-15
4.7.1. Affection................................................................................................4-15
4.7.2. Gender..................................................................................................4-16
4.7.3. Humor...................................................................................................4-17
4.7.4. Shared Moment....................................................................................4-17
5. Couples Assessment Overview............................................................5-1

5.1. Format of the Couples Assessment: Session 1: Conjoint 1½ Hours...................5-1
5.2. Session 2: Individual Meetings............................................................................5-4
5.3. Session 3: Conjoint Treatment Planning.............................................................5-4
6. How to Conduct an Oral History Interview...........................................6-1

6.1. The Spirit of the Oral History Interview................................................................6-1
6.2. The Actual Content of the Interview.....................................................................6-2
xi
6.3. Things to Notice...................................................................................................6-4

6.4. Oral History Questions........................................................................................6-4
6.4.1. Part 1: History of the Relationship..........................................................6-5
6.4.2. Part 2. Their Philosophy of their Relationship........................................6-6
6.5. Oral History Interview Benchmarks.....................................................................6-6
Oral History Interview Summary Sheet...........................................................6-7
Group Role Play: Oral History Interview .......................................................6-9
6.6. Oral History Coding Notes................................................................................. 6-11
7. Evaluating Conflict Management and Repairs.....................................7-1

7.1. Setting Up the Conflict Discussion .....................................................................7-1
7.2. Observing Conflict Management ........................................................................7-3
7.3. Symbolic Conflict ................................................................................................7-3
7.4. Repair - Definitions from the Research............................................................. 7-11
7.4.1. Affection................................................................................................ 7-11
7.4.2. Agreement............................................................................................7-12
7.4.3. Compromise.........................................................................................7-12
7.4.4. Defining the Conflict.............................................................................7-12
7.4.5. Guarding...............................................................................................7-13
7.4.6. Humor...................................................................................................7-13
7.4.7. Making Promises..................................................................................7-14
7.4.8. Monitoring Discussion..........................................................................7-14
7.4.9. Repair Questions..................................................................................7-14
7.4.10. Request for Direction............................................................................7-15
7.4.11. Self-Disclosure.....................................................................................7-15
7.4.12. Softening..............................................................................................7-16
7.4.13. Stop......................................................................................................7-17
7.4.14. Taking Responsibility............................................................................7-17
7.4.15. Tooting Your Own Horn.........................................................................7-18
7.4.16. Understanding......................................................................................7-18
7.4.17. We’re OK / Teamwork...........................................................................7-19
7.5. Responses ........................................................................................................7-19
8. Individual Interview ...............................................................................8-1

8.1. Setting the Stage for the Individual Interview......................................................8-1
8.2. Content of Individual Interviews...........................................................................8-2
Individual Interview Summary Sheet...............................................................8-3
9. Gottman Method Assessment Questionnaires....................................9-1

9.1. Gottman Core Assessment Questionnaires
Locke-Wallace Relationship Adjustment Test��9-3
Weiss-Cerretto Relationship Status Inventory��9-5
The Sound Relationship House Questionnaires (5 item scale)��9-7
Love Maps..............................................................................................9-7
Fondness and Admiration System..........................................................9-7
xii
Turning Towards or Away.......................................................................9-7

Negative Sentiment Override.................................................................9-8
Harsh Startup.........................................................................................9-8
Accepting Influence................................................................................9-8
Repair Attempts......................................................................................9-9
Compromise...........................................................................................9-9
Gridlock on Perpetual Issues..................................................................9-9
The Four Horsemen.............................................................................9-10
Flooding................................................................................................9-10
Emotional Disengagement and Loneliness..........................................9-10
Quality of Sex, Romance, and Passion in the Relationship�� 9-11
Shared Meanings Questionnaire��9-13
Your Rituals..........................................................................................9-13
Your Roles............................................................................................9-13
Your Goals............................................................................................9-13
Your Symbols........................................................................................9-13
Trust��9-14
Commitment��9-15
The Gottman 19 Areas Checklist for Solvable and Perpetual Problems��9-17
The Three “Detour” Scales��9-27
Chaos...................................................................................................9-27
Meta-Emotions (Your Own Feelings About Emotions)..........................9-28
My Family History.................................................................................9-30
Gottman Emotional Abuse Questionnaire (EAQ)��9-33
Control, Fear, Suicide Potential, and ��9-35
Acts of Physical Aggression Questionnaires��9-35
Control..................................................................................................9-35
Fear......................................................................................................9-35
Suicide Potential...................................................................................9-35
Acts of Physical Aggression.................................................................9-36
SCL-90��9-37
The CAGE Questionnaire Adapted to Include Drugs (CAGE-AID)��9-41
Brief Michigan Alcohol Screening Test (b-MAST)��9-41
9.2. The Gottman Relationship Checkup..................................................................9-43
9.3. Core Assessment Scoring and Interpretation��9-45
Locke-Wallace Relationship Adjustment Test Scoring & Interpretation��9-47
Weiss-Cerretto Relationship Status Inventory Scoring & Interpretation��9-48
Sound Relationship House Assessment 5-Item Scale
Scoring & Interpretation��9-49
Gottman 19 Areas Checklist for Solvable and Perpetual Problems in Your
Relationship Scoring & Interpretation��9-51
The Three “Detour” Scales Scoring & Interpretation��9-53
Emotional Abuse Questionnaire (EAQ) Scoring & Interpretation��9-54
xiii
Control, Fear, Suicide Potential, and Acts of Physical Aggression

Questionnaires Scoring��9-55
SCL-90 Scoring & Interpretation Instructions��9-56
The CAGE Questionnaire Adapted to Include Drugs (CAGE-AID)
Brief Michigan Alcohol Screening Test (b-MAST)
Scoring & Interpretation.....................................................................................9-58
9.4. Gottman Assessment Scoring Summary Sheet and
Interpretation Guidelines��9-59
9.5. Supplemental Assessment Questionnaires��9-63
Gottman Areas of Strength Checklist��9-65
The Distance and Isolation Questionnaires - Overview��9-67
Self-Test: Flooding��9-69
Self-Test: Do You Lead Parallel Lives?��9-71
Self-Test: How Lonely is Your Relationship?��9-73
Areas of Disagreement��9-75
Areas of Change Checklist: Solvable Problems��9-77
Innocent Victim and Righteous Indignation Scale��9-79
9.6. Supplemental Assessment Scoring and Interpretation��9-81
Gottman Areas of Strength Checklist Scoring & Interpretation��9-81
The Distance and Isolation Questionnaires Scoring ��9-81
Self-Test: Flooding................................................................................9-81
Self-Test: Do You Lead Parallel Lives?.................................................9-81
Self-Test: How Lonely is Your Relationship?........................................9-82
Areas of change checklist: Solvable Problems��9-82
9.7. Reliability and Validity of the Gottman Sound Relationship House Scales
By John Gottman, Ph.D.��9-83
References��9-106
10. Feedback Session and Treatment Planning......................................10-1

10.1. Feedback Session—Overview..........................................................................10-1
10.2. The Sound Relationship House and The Gottman Theory
for Making Relationships Work..........................................................................10-1
10.2.1. Build Love Maps...................................................................................10-1
10.2.2. Share Fondness and Admiration..........................................................10-2
10.2.3. Turn Towards........................................................................................10-2
10.2.4. The Positive Perspective......................................................................10-2
10.2.5. Manage Conflict....................................................................................10-3
10.2.6. Make Life Dreams Come True..............................................................10-5
10.2.7. Create Shared Meaning.......................................................................10-6
10.2.8. Trust .....................................................................................................10-6
10.2.9. Commitment.........................................................................................10-6
xiv
10.3. Clinician’s Checklist for Relationship Assessment ...........................................10-7

10.4. Feedback Session Benchmarks......................................................................10-12
Group Role Play: Feedback Session...........................................................10-15
Gottman Assessment Scoring Summary Sheet for Steve and Crysta.....10-16
10.5. Treatment Planning.........................................................................................10-17
100 Gottman Method Clinical Hours Documentation.................................10-19
Gottman Treatment Plan...............................................................................10-21
Interpretation Guidelines..............................................................................10-24
Gottman Assessment Scoring Summary Sheet.........................................10-25
11. Gottman Method Interventions Taught at Level 2............................. 11-1

11.1. Interventions Related to Building Friendship and Intimacy................................ 11-2
11.2. Interventions to Help Couples Manage Conflict................................................ 11-2
11.3. Interventions to Build Shared Meaning.............................................................. 11-3
11.4. When to Terminate Therapy.............................................................................. 11-4
11.5. When to Give Up............................................................................................... 11-4
11.6. Gottman Method Interventions Taught at Level 2.............................................. 11-5
Intervention: “I Appreciate . . .” Adjective Checklist........................................... 11-9

Exercise: “I Appreciate . . .” Adjective Checklist.............................................. 11-11
Intervention:The Stress-Reducing Conversation and Earning Points in

the Emotional Bank Account............................................................................ 11-15
Exercise: The Stress-Reducing Conversation and Earning Points in
the Emotional Bank Account............................................................................ 11-17
Group Role Play: Stress Reducing Conversation............................................ 11-19
Intervention: Gentle Start-up........................................................................... 11-23

Exercise: Gentle Start-up .............................................................................. 11-27
Intervention: The Four Horsemen - The Concept ........................................... 11-29

Intervention: Labeling and Replacing the Four Horsemen With
Their Antidotes................................................................................................. 11-31
Group Role Play: Stop The Four Horsemen and Replace Them With
Their Antidotes................................................................................................. 11-35
Intervention: Flooding - Physiological Soothing and the Relaxation

Exercise........................................................................................................... 11-37
Exercise: The Relaxation Exercise................................................................. 11-39
Group Role Play: Flooding - Self-Soothing and How to Do It.......................... 11-43
Intervention: The Gottman-Rapoport Exercise................................................ 11-45

Group Role Play: The Gottman-Rapoport Exercise........................................ 11-47
Intervention: The Dan Wile Intervention.......................................................... 11-49

Group Role Play: The Dan Wile Intervention................................................... 11-51
Intervention: Internal Working Model............................................................... 11-53
xv
Intervention: Compromise............................................................................... 11-55

Exercise: The Art of Compromise................................................................... 11-57
Group Role Play: Compromise........................................................................ 11-59
Intervention: Dreams Within Conflict - The Concept....................................... 11-61

Intervention: Dreams Within Conflict - Releasing the Dreams........................ 11-63
Exercise: Dreams Within Conflict - Releasing the Dreams............................. 11-65
Group Role Play: Dreams Within Conflict........................................................ 11-67
Intervention: Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident............................... 11-69

Exercise: Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident ................................11-71
Group Role Play: Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident....................... 11-77
Intervention: Build Rituals of Emotional Connection........................................ 11-81

Exercise: Build Rituals of Emotional Connection............................................. 11-83
Group Role Play: Build Rituals of Connection................................................. 11-85
12. Additional Gottman Method Interventions.........................................12-1

Intervention: The Gottman Love Map Exercise ................................................12-5
Exercise: The Gottman Love Map Exercise .....................................................12-7
Intervention: Build a Map of Your Partner’s Everyday Life................................12-9

Exercise: Build a Map of Your Partner’s Everyday Life................................... 12-11
Intervention: Injury and Healing.......................................................................12-13

Exercise: Injury and Healing ...........................................................................12-15
Intervention: Ask Open-Ended Questions.......................................................12-17

Exercise: Ask Open-Ended Questions Card Deck..........................................12-19
Intervention: Thanksgiving Checklist...............................................................12-23

Exercise: Thanksgiving Checklist....................................................................12-25
Intervention: 7-Week Guide for Creating Fondness & Admiration...................12-27

Exercise: 7-Week Guide for Creating Fondness & Admiration........................12-29
Intervention: Fondness and Admiration in Everyday Life................................12-31

Exercise: Fondness and Admiration in Everyday Life.....................................12-33
Intervention: An Exercise in Thanksgiving.......................................................12-35
Intervention: Behavior Exchange.....................................................................12-39

Exercise: Behavior Exchange..........................................................................12-41
Intervention: Working as a Team: Building the Paper Tower...........................12-43
Intervention: Negotiating Power: Who Does What in the Relationship?..........12-47

Exercise: Negotiating Power: Who does what in the relationship?.................12-49
xvi
Intervention: The Aftermath of Failed Bids......................................................12-53

Exercise: The Aftermath of Failed Bids ..........................................................12-55
Intervention: How Do You Change Your Relationship?...................................12-59

Exercise: How Do You Change Your Relationship?........................................12-61
Intervention: The Emotional Communication Game........................................12-63

Exercise: The Emotional Communication Game.............................................12-65
Exercise: The Emotional Communication Game.............................................12-69
Intervention: Sex, Romance, and Passion (Salsa Card Deck)........................12-73

Exercise: Salsa Cards.....................................................................................12-75
Intervention: Three Skills of Intimate Conversation.........................................12-81

Exercise: Three Skills of Intimate Conversation..............................................12-83
Intervention: Choosing One Gridlocked Issue and One Solvable Issue .........12-89
Exercise: Choosing One Gridlocked Issue and One Solvable Issue .............12-91
Intervention: Ending Gridlock: Fears of Accepting Influence...........................12-95
Intervention: Accept Influence: Find Common Ground....................................12-97
Intervention: Consensus Decision-Making Task:

Mountain Survival Problem..............................................................................12-99
Exercise: Mountain Survival Problem Individual Form..................................12-101
Exercise : Mountain Survival Problem Consensus Form..............................12-103
Intervention: Working Together as a Team: The Island Survival Task...........12-105

Exercise: Island Survival Task Individual Form.............................................12-107
Exercise: Island Survival Task Consensus Form..........................................12-109
Exercise: Evaluation Form: Island Survival Task.......................................... 12-111
Intervention: Accept What You Cannot Change; Accept One Another.......... 12-113
Exercise: Accept What You Cannot Change; Accept One Another............... 12-115
Intervention: Find Dreams In Each Other’s Gridlock..................................... 12-117

Exercise: Find Dreams In Each Other’s Gridlock.......................................... 12-119
Intervention: Video Playback.........................................................................12-135
Intervention: Repair Checklist........................................................................12-137
Intervention: Meta-Emotions and Relationship Communication....................12-141

Intervention: Meta Emotion Interview Questions...........................................12-145
Intervention: Dealing with Meta-Emotion Mismatch............................................ 12-151
Exercise: The History and Philosophy of Your Emotions..............................12-153
xvii
Intervention: Which Relationship Style Do You Prefer? ................................12-155

Exercise: Which Relationship Style Do You Prefer?......................................12-157
Intervention: The Meanings Interview............................................................12-161

The Meanings Interview: Creating Shared Symbolic Meaning .....................12-161
Intervention: The Meanings Interview Questions..........................................12-165
Intervention: Build Shared Meaning..............................................................12-169

Exercise: Build Shared Meaning ..................................................................12-171
Intervention: Mission and Legacy..................................................................12-175

Exercise: Mission and Legacy ......................................................................12-177
Intervention: Triumphs and Strivings.............................................................12-179

Exercise: Triumphs and Strivings .................................................................12-181
12.1. Interventions for Preventing Relapse...............................................................12-183

Intervention: The Relationship “Poop Detector”............................................12-185
Exercise: The Relationship “Poop Detector”.................................................12-187
Intervention: Preventing, Assessing, and Managing Relapse.......................12-189

Exercise: Relapse Questionnaire..................................................................12-191
Intervention: Expect Relapse.........................................................................12-193
Intervention: The Magic Five and One-half Hours a Week ...........................12-195

Exercise: The Magic Five and One-half Hours a Week.................................12-197
13. Co-Morbidities.......................................................................................13-1
13.1. Affairs................................................................................................................13-1
13.2. Addiction............................................................................................................13-3
13.3. Alcoholism and Drug Addiction........................................................................13-17
13.4. Treatment of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)....................................13-21
13.5. Violence...........................................................................................................13-23
14. Therapist Disclosure Statement and Additional Gottman Forms........ 14-1

14.1. Therapist Disclosure Statement........................................................................14-1
14.2. Video Recording Sessions and Release Forms................................................14-3
Permission for Digitally Recording and Videotaping Therapy Sessions............14-5
Therapist Release Attestation............................................................................14-7
100 Gottman Method Clinical Hours Documentation........................................14-9
Gottman Treatment Plan................................................................................. 14-11
Interpretation Guidelines.................................................................................14-14
Gottman Assessment Scoring Summary.........................................................14-15
15. Additional Training and Services........................................................15-1

15.1. Introduction........................................................................................................15-1
15.1.1. Post-Level 2 Teleconferences..............................................................15-1
xviii
15.1.2. Membership in the New Gottman Referral Network.............................15-1

15.1.3. The Art & Science of Love Weekend Workshop for Couples ..............15-2
15.1.4. Level 3 - Practicum Training.................................................................15-3
15.2. Becoming Certified - Next Steps.......................................................................15-4
15.2.1. The Gottman Method Certification Track..............................................15-4
15.2.2. Fees......................................................................................................15-4
15.2.3. Certification Readiness Check-list .......................................................15-5
15.2.4. Certification Track Application..............................................................15-6
15.2.5. Consultation..........................................................................................15-6
15.2.6. Consultation Content............................................................................15-7
15.2.7. Asking for Help.....................................................................................15-7
15.2.8. 100 Hours of Gottman Method.............................................................15-8
15.2.9. Submitting Videos for Certification.......................................................15-8
15.3. The Seven Principles for Making Certification Work ........................................15-9
15.4. Six Steps to Sail Through Certification............................................................15-12
15.5. Intervention Criteria for Submitting Certification Video....................................15-14
15.5.1. General Requirements for All Interventions........................................15-14
15.5.2. Criteria for Specific Interventions........................................................15-16
FOUR HORSEMEN............................................................................15-16
FLOODING ........................................................................................15-17
DREAMS WITHIN CONFLICT ..........................................................15-18
COMPROMISE USING TWO OVALS................................................15-19
15.6. Basic Video Skills for the Gottman Therapist..................................................15-20
15.6.1. Types of Video Cameras (camcorders)..............................................15-20
15.6.3. Selecting a Camcorder.......................................................................15-22
15.6.4. Recording with a smartphone or tablet...............................................15-23
15.6.5. Video Production ...............................................................................15-24
15.6.6. Burning a Disk for Playback...............................................................15-30
15.6.7. Using Video Playback with Couples...................................................15-30
15.7. HIPAA Summary..............................................................................................15-31
15.8. Professional Opportunities for Certified Gottman Therapists..........................15-43
16. Assessment, Intervention, and Co-Morbidities Slides......................16-1
1-1
1. Basic Observation
In this section, we will teach you how to become an expert
observer. We believe that observation is one of the keys
to becoming a good therapist and is, therefore, a part of
Gottman Method Couples Therapy. With observations made
about their clients’ habits, lifestyles, and personalities,
therapists can move toward a deeper understanding of who
their clients are and how to help them.
1.1. Introduction
Shakespeare suggested that all the world is a stage. If
that were true, people-watching would be easy. People
would then work at revealing their character to us, and
they would actively display their roles in their unfolding
drama. Hamlet would wait in the airport for his luggage
and deliver his famous speech lamenting the hollowness of
life on this planet and his lack of delight in both man and
woman. But these soliloquies and other dramatic episodes
are rare, and most human behavior is far more subtle than it
is on the stage.
Yet in an important way the world is a stage. You know

very well that you are the central character, playing—even
when alone—to some unseen audience that appreciates
your actions, playing to what Kurt Vonnegut called the
Great Eye in the Sky. You turn to the Great Eye and replay
the latest scene in which your feelings were hurt, only this
time it is a retake and you are the victor, ready with the
immediate devastating comeback that leaves your opponent
cringing in humiliation and the secret audience howling
with laughter.
In this Great Play, you observe all the others, the

minor characters in your play, with great interest. You
scan them carefully, waiting for them to reveal their
roles, to perform in the subplots you live through. In
the Great Play, you are the director, and the director is
the ultimate interpreter of human nature. And so you
see that people-watching is something you do when
you wait in an airport, when you sit in a staff meeting,
when you are alone at home, or when you read the
newspaper and try to understand the motives and
psychology of a mass murderer.
1-2
Although people-watching is a very human and a very

frequent activity, you probably have not considered that it
is possible to fine tune your abilities. But that is precisely
what we will teach you to do. If you follow some basic
principles and dedicate yourself to the pleasant task of
people-watching, you will become much more skillful at it.
Perhaps the greatest people-watcher of all was Sherlock

Holmes, and, in fact, the inspiration for this section of the
Specific Affect Coding System (SPAFF) manual came from
a Sherlock Holmes story called “A Study in Scarlet,” which
describes Dr. Watson’s first meeting with Sherlock Holmes.
In this story, Holmes reveals a small bit of the methods he
uses to astound others with his ability to watch and analyze
people. He alludes to his methods, but he never spells them
out.
Watson has just returned from the war in Afghanistan,

impoverished financially, depressed, and aimless, when he
runs into an old friend named Stamford at the Criterion Bar.
Stamford tells Watson that he knows someone who might
be interested in a roommate, and together they ascend the
dark creaky steps leading to Holmes’s laboratory. Holmes
is immersed in an experiment, surrounded by bubbling
test tubes and Bunsen burners. As they enter, Holmes
proclaims, “Egad, we found it! A reagent for hemoglobin
and nothing else!” Looking up, Holmes sees Stamford and
a stranger, and Stamford introduces them, “Dr. Watson, Mr.
Sherlock Holmes.”
Holmes looks at Watson, says, “How are you?” and then

quickly adds, “You have been in Afghanistan, we perceive.”
“How on earth did you know that?” asks Watson, amazed,
and Holmes replies, “Never mind,” chuckling to himself.
Later the two men have been living together and Watson
has been observing his new roommate’s habits for a few
weeks when, one morning at breakfast, Watson notices a
magazine opened to an article called, “The Book of Life.”
He does not realize that Holmes is the author of the article
and he reads,
“From a drop of water,” said the writer, “a logician

could infer the possibility of an Atlantic or a Niagara
without having seen or heard of one or the other. So
all life is a great chain, the nature of which is known
1-3
whenever we are shown a single link of it. Like all

other arts, the Science of Deduction and Analysis is
one which can only be acquired by long and patient
study nor is life long enough to allow any mortal to
attain the highest possible perfection in it. Before
turning to these moral and mental aspects of the
matter which present the greatest difficulties, let
the enquirer begin by mastering more elementary
problems. Let him, on meeting a fellow-mortal, learn
at a glance to distinguish the history of the man,
and the trade or profession to which he belongs.
Puerile as such an exercise may seem, it sharpens
the faculties of observation, and teaches one where
to look and what to look for. By a man’s fingernails,
by his coat-sleeve, by his boot, by his trouser knees,
by the callosities of his forefinger and thumb, by
his expressions, by his shirt cuffs—by each of these
things a man’s calling is plainly revealed. That
all united should fail to enlighten the competent
enquirer in any case is almost inconceivable”
(Sherlock Holmes, in Arthur Conan Doyle’s “A
Study in Scarlet,” p. 13).
Watson is unimpressed. He says, “What ineffable

twaddle. I never read such rubbish in my life.” Holmes
appears then and announces that he is the author. He
says, “Observation with me is second nature. You
appeared to be surprised when I told you, on our first
meeting, that you had come from Afghanistan.” “You were
told, no doubt,” says Watson, but Holmes responds:
Nothing of the sort. I knew you came from

Afghanistan. From long habit the train of thoughts
ran so swiftly through my mind that I arrived at the
conclusion without being conscious of intermediate
steps. There were such steps, however. The train of
reasoning ran, “Here is a gentleman of a medical
type, but with the air of a military man . . . . Clearly
an army doctor, then. He has just come from the
tropics, for his face is dark, and that is not the
natural tone of his skin, for his wrists are fair. He
has undergone hardship and sickness, as his haggard
face says clearly. His left arm has been injured. He
holds it in a stiff and unnatural manner. Where in
the tropics could an English Army doctor have seen
1-4
such hardship and got his arm wounded? Clearly

in Afghanistan. . . . I then remarked that you came
from Afghanistan, and you were astonished (Arthur
Conan Doyle’s “A Study in Scarlet,” p. 24).
In this way, this chapter is an attempt to complete the

fictional article that Watson read at breakfast. Holmes tells
us that his powers are not magical, that they can be learned
through patient study. We will demonstrate to you that this
is the case.
1.2. Facial Expression Drawings

Now we’ll look at drawings of seven fundamental
emotional expressions. They are fear, sadness, disgust,
anger, surprise, happiness, and contempt. In each drawing,
let’s examine how the parts of the face differ and together,
form a universal expression of each emotion.
1-5
Fear
1-6
Sadness
1-7
Disgust
2-81-8
Anger
Anger
© 2000–2007 by Dr. John M. Gottman. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.
1-9
Surprise
1-10
Happiness
1-11
Contempt
1-12
1.3. Facial Expression

The state of the art in coding facial expressions is, in my
opinion, Ekman and Friesen’s (1978) Facial Action Coding
System (FACS). The FACS is an anatomically based
coding system that describes facial movement in terms of
the action of specific groups of facial muscles. Each muscle
group is called an “Action Unit,” abbreviated AU, and is
given a number. For example, the muscle group that draws
the brows down and together and creates a vertical furrow
between the brows is called AU4, “brow lowerer.”
1.3.1. About Brows
In the Human Ethology1 paper, Paul Ekman distinguishes

two types of facial signals: emotional expressions and
conversational actions. He uses an anatomically based
catalog to describe facial action; it is centered on describing
the muscles involved in creating any particular visible
facial expression. To better illustrate this point, in this paper
he focuses on a rather salient party of facial expression: the
eyebrow movement.
There are seven distinctly different eyebrow actions. Each

of these is the result of a different muscle or a combination
of muscles. All seven eyebrow actions could be considered
a social signal; five are also involved in displaying
emotional expression; two of the eyebrow actions play an
important part in many conversational signals.
To describe facial action, Ekman and his colleague

Wallace Friesen spent two years studying anatomy,
learning to move their own facial muscles in
accordance with anatomical descriptions, and
acquiring the ability to contract specific muscles. They
also reviewed more than 5,000 different combinations
of specific muscular actions. They then taught other
people how to recognize facial actions, determining which
actions could be reliably distinguished. The results of
these findings were incorporated into a manual and other
accompanying self-teaching material (Ekman & Friesen,
1
Ekman, P. “About brows: Emotional and conversational signals.” In: M. von Cranach, K.
Foppa, W. Lepenies, and J.D. Ploog (eds.). Human Ethology. London: Cambridge University
Press, 1979.
1-13
1978)2 on how to score facial behavior. The following

description of eyebrow movements is taken from this
manual.
Ekman describes the muscle units used in eyebrow

movements as “action units.”
Action Unit 1 (denoted AU1) shows the change that

occurs when just the medial portion of the frontalis muscle
contracts. The inner corner of the eyebrow is raised, which
may result in the appearance of short wrinkles in the center
of the forehead.
Action Unit 2 (AU2) describes the appearance changes

when just the lateral portion of the frontalis muscle
contracts. The outer corners of the eyebrows are raised.
The skin in the lateral portion of the forehead is pulled up,
which may cause short wrinkles to appear in the lateral
portion of the forehead.
Action Unit 4 (AU4) describes the appearance changes

when the corrugator, depressor gabella, and/or depressor
supercilli contract. The eyebrows are pulled down and
drawn together. The skin between the brows is bunched,
often causing a vertical wrinkle between the brows.
These three action units are the building blocks for the
three combinations shown in subsequent text. Note the
inverted horseshoe form of the brow in AU 1 + 4. In AU 1
+ 2 + 4, only the medial brow is horizontally furrowed. The
horizontal lines do not extend all the way across the brow
as they do in a 1 + 2 (full brow raises). The 1 + 2 + 4 is the
distress or fear facial expression.
In describing emotional expression, there is cross-

cultural evidence to support the theory that specific
patterns of facial actions universally signify particular
emotions. These studies include the work of
anthropologists, ethologists, pediatricians, psychologists,
and sociologists.
However, some still argue that there are no universals

in facial expressions of emotion. They offer a linguistic
analogy. In language, particular sounds are not associated
Ekman, Paul, and Friesen, Wallace V. 1978. Unmasking the Face. Copyright 2003.
2
1-14
with particular meanings. Because this is the case, there

also may not be any consistent association between
nonverbal signals and meaning in different cultures.
Ekman explains that, while a linguistic analogy is

misleading concerning facial expression of emotion, it is
useful in describing the function of facial conversation
signals. He attempts to clarify this while offering a
theoretical framework that incorporates the theory of those
who argue for a linguistic analogy as well as those who
argue from an evolutionary viewpoint.
Disagreement stems from many sources—such as the

failure of universalists to explain what they mean by
emotion terms such as anger, fear, surprise, happiness,
etc. Ekman considers that these emotive terms also imply
an antecedent and classification system that includes the
following:
l Elicitors—This is what stimulates the event to take

place.
l Co-occurring response—This term refers to the skeletal

muscular action, autonomic nervous system action,
vocalization, etc., that occur.
l Subsequent interpersonal behavior—This refers to how

a person copes with the source of emotional arousal.
Having discussed, to some degree, what he means by

emotion, Ekman then asks us to regard the seven
eyebrow movements (we will discuss only four of
them here) and consider their role in a few emotions
for which there is clear-cut universal evidence of
definition.
In Sadness, Action Unit 1 or 1 + 4 occurs.
In Surprise, Action Unit 1 + 2 is accompanied by raising

the upper eyelid and dropping the jaw.
In Fear, the combination, 1 + 2 + 4 is accompanied by

raising the upper eyelid, tightening the lower eyelid, and
horizontally stretching the lips (AU20). The 1 + 2 + 4
Action Unit makes the brows appear horizontal.
1-15
In Anger, Action Unit 4, without brow raising, is

accompanied by the same actions around the eyes as
described for fear, but the lips are pressed together or
tightened and squared.
The preceding has described and classified the role of

eyebrow action in emotional expression. In comparison
to emotional expression, there is little known about
conversational signals. In focusing on eyebrow action,
Ekman describes the most frequent facial actions used as
conversational signals.
Speaker conversation signals include what Ekman called

the “baton,” “underliner,” “punctuation,” “question mark,”
and “word search.” The baton usually coincides with voice
stress (or with a word that is spoken more loudly). The
usual accompanying facial expression for the baton is 1 +
2 and 4. The underliner is also for emphasis, but usually
stretches out over more than a single word. Action units
most common with the underliner are 1 + 2 and 4.
Punctuation is the term used when there is a pause,

much like a comma, after each event in the series.
Both 1 + 2 and 4 appear to be used as punctuation. The
question mark refers to brow-raising to indicate a
question. Both 1 + 2 and 4 are used. In the word
search, the speaker is holding the floor with “ah” while he
is searching for a particular word or turn of phrase. Facial
expressions associated with this may include 1 + 2 (with
eyes toward the ceiling in concentration) or 4.
In addition to the speaker’s conversational signals, listener

responses are associated with facial expressions and, in
particular, with specific eyebrow movements. Agreement
responses are associated with 1 + 2 with a smile or a head
nod. Eyebrows can indicate a call for more information:
Action Unit 4 or 1 + 2 can indicate perplexity or that the
individual does not understand and needs more explanation.
While the previous signals involved spoken conversation,

the following will refer to “emblems” or conversational
signals without speech: the eyebrow Flash is a repeated
brow raise (1 + 2), and it can be used as a greeting signal;
Disbelief is shown by 1 + 2 and pulling the corner of
the lips down, relaxing the upper eyelid, pushing up the
lower lip, raising the upper lip and/or rocking the head
1-16
from side to side; Mock Astonishment involves 1 + 2 with

raised upper eyelid, and a dropped open jaw; Affirmation–
Negation is shown in two separate ways. Affirmation is
generally associated with eyebrow raise (1 + 2) in most
cultures; negation is often associated with the drawing
together of the brows (AU4).
As you may have noticed, Action Units 1 + 2 and 4 are

the two eyebrow actions that appear most frequently. It is
suggested that, because they are the easiest to perform, they
might be the most prevalent social signals.
Thus, Ekman distinguishes between emotional and

conversational facial signals, although both occur in
conversation. He chooses to separate them on the basis
of their differences. Emotional expressions are
precursors of speech as well as of conversational
signals. Emotional expression is not always voluntary,
whereas conversational facial signals usually are
voluntary. Conversational facial signals only occur in
the presence of others, although emotional expressions also
occur when a person thinks he is unobserved. While there
is much evidence for the universality of emotional facial
signals, for conversational facial signals there may be no
universals, although this is not known.
For both emotional and conversational signals, why

do some actions rather than others become particular
signals? Some investigators believe certain actions have
been incorporated into our repertoire through natural
selection and that facial actions associated with emotional
expressions originally served a biological function for
our early ancestors 3. Through ritualization, a particular
behavior is modified through genetic evolution to
become an efficient signal. I will illustrate this kind of
comparative evolutionary speculation by examining what
has been written about the adaptive value of certain facial
expressions.
The adaptive value of 1 + 2: Darwin offered the

explanation that 1 + 2 helps raise the upper eyelid
quickly and that this movement increases the
superior portion of the visual field. Blurton, Jones,
and Konner (1971) noted that children use this
3
Andrew, 1963; Darwin, 1872; Eibl-Eiblesfeldt, 1970.
1-17
action in visual search and when looking up at an

adult.
The adaptive value of 4: This action will decrease

the visual field, shutting out extraneous influences
and aiding concentration.
The adaptive value of 1 + 4: Darwin

explained that, when we want to inhibit
crying, the only way to counteract the involuntary
action of the depressor glabellae, which lowers
the inner portion of the brows, is by the upward
movement of Action Unit 1. But the corrugator
muscle, which we see drawing the brows together,
cannot be completely prevented from movement by
Action Unit 1. This results in the combined action of
brows being drawn together while, at the same time,
being raised at the inner ends.
The adaptive value of 1 + 2 + 4: This merges two

actions observed in other primates during threat
behavior; 1 + 2 and 4. If we think of this action as
anticipatory of fight or flight, it would make sense
that the initial action of 1 + 2 would increase the
superior visual field in preparation for attack, while
4 would narrow the visual field in concentration as
well as making the eyeball less vulnerable to blows.
In conclusion, by focusing on just a particular part of the

face, the eyebrow, Ekman and his colleagues were able to
demonstrate how an anatomically-based descriptive system
can be a powerful tool for classifying, discriminating and
describing facial movement.
1.3.2. Beyond Brows
All SPAFF coders are expected to be proficient

coders using FACS and EMFACS (“Emotion FACS,”
unpublished). They use the FACS materials4 to help
recognize specific facial actions that Ekman and Friesen
have identified in an emotion predications table (p. 142 ff.
Investigator’s Guide, Part 2). It is, therefore, necessary to
supplement this manual with the FACS materials. I have
added a few facial expressions to Ekman and Friesen’s
4
Available from Consulting Psychologists Press, Inc., 577 College Avenue, Palo Alto, CA 94306.
1-18
EMFACS list, based on consultation with Ekman, but

I have been conservative. Wherever possible, I have
followed the recommendations of Ekman’s and Friesen’s
more rapid coding EMFACS system. I have also followed
those expressions used in Ekman, Levenson, and Friesen’s
(1983) directed facial action task, which produces distinct
autonomic profiles.
Researchers who read this manual should note that I think

that the SPAFF coders ought to be trained to be FACS
coders and not just to recognize the specific set of facial
cues I have selected that may or may not have emotional
significance. However, I have used SPAFF coders in three
studies to date (1986), and most of them have not known
the FACS. Still, my experience with those SPAFF coders
who learned the FACS, suggests that it is a good idea for
SPAFF coders to learn the FACS. One word of caution:
investigators should be sure that FACS coders pass the
post-test, administered at cost by Ekman and Friesen’s
laboratory 5. Coders will receive feedback about errors they
are making. I take full responsibility for including these
selected facial actions as emotions in this manual and do
not claim that they are Ekman’s and Friesen’s choices.
To continue, I would like to call your attention to a small

set of facial expressions that could be indicative of specific
emotions. Note that these are only a few examples. You
will still be acting as a cultural informant, not a physical-
features coder.
It is important to begin by knowing a person’s neutral

face. It is always important to begin by finding a neutral
face so you can identify permanent facial features that are
not facial expressions. For example, one person can have
a permanent vertical brow furrow that becomes deeper
during a facial action, while another person may not have
this feature. These features are unrelated to either emotion
or character.
Distress or Sadness. Distress in the brow area of the

face: The central portion of the brow is raised, giving
the brows an oblique shape. (This is due to Action Unit
1.) The brow is furrowed, but only the medial (central)
portion of the brow is furrowed. The brows are also
5
Write to the Human Interaction Laboratory, 401 Parnassus Avenue, San Francisco, CA 94143.
1-19
drawn together (AU4). This produces inverted-U

wrinkles in the medial portion of the brow, also called
“Darwin’s grief muscle.” In a complete brow raise (AU1
and AU2), the entire brow is furrowed.
Contempt, Disgust, Disapproval. There are two possible

indicators for disgust. One is the nose wrinkle, produced
by Action Unit 9 (AU9). The second is created by raising
the upper lip, a result of action unit 10. For contempt, a
possible indicator is the result of Action Unit 14, called the
dimpler muscle. Another contempt indicator is the eye roll.
Sadness. Sadness may look like distress in the upper face.

Look for the following cue in the lower face: mouth corners
pulled down (AU15). Remember to make sure this is not
a permanent feature. Sadness is also conveyed by the
combination of two action units: AU6, which raises the
cheeks and creates crows feet in the eye corners, and AU15
(lip-corner depression). Ekman, Levenson, and Friesen
(1983) include in sadness the following action units: 64
(glance down), 17 (chin raises), and 6 + 12 (cheek raise and
lip-corner pull).
Anger. The lips and chin boss regions of the face provide
clues to anger. The action unit is AU23, rolls the red part
of the lips inward so that they are tight and lips are more
narrow; AU23 can affect only one lip. AU24 presses
the lips together without pushing the chin boss up. It
tightens and narrows the lips. The chin boss may also be
contracted. Action Unit 17 (AU17), called the chin raiser,
pushes the chin boss up, wrinkles the chin boss, and gives
the mouth a slight inverted-U shape. If AU17 is strong,
the lower lip may protrude as in a pout. AU17 can act
in combination with AU23 or AU24 to create a stronger
potential signal for anger. Sometimes this action unit is
involved when someone is trying to control a display of
emotion on the face.
Sometimes a strong signal for anger may be observed in the

upper face. Anger can also be portrayed by the action units
4 + 5 + 7 + 23.
Fear. Signals of fear may be detected in the mouth,

particularly the result of AU20.
AU20 may entail an open mouth, which can be open
1-20
to varying degrees (i.e., lips part, jaws drop, or mouth

stretched).
Fear Brow. In a 1 + 2 + 4, only the medial portion of the

brow is horizontally furrowed. The horizontal lines do not
extend all the way across the brow as they do in a 1 + 2
(full brow raise). The 1 + 2 + 4 is the distress or fear facial
expression.
1.3.3. Conversational Markers
As Ekman suggested, not all facial expressions are

emotional signals. At least five are: (1) underliners
that emphasize words or phrases; (2) expressions that
express questioning; (3) punctuation; (4) expressions that
accompany a word search (when a person cannot find the
right word); and (5) turn taking (giving up or wanting the
floor of the conversation).
In particular, I want to call your attention to two

conversational markers that might, at times, relate to
an inner feeling about what is being said. These two
expressions are AU4 and AU 1 + 2.
The Action Unit 4 pulls the brows down and together

and creates a vertical furrow between the brows. Linda
Camras suggested that it is usually used when a person is
expressing worry, doubt, or consternation; and when the
person is anticipating or discussing something difficult
or complex or asking a question for which the answer is
unknown. People tend to lower their pitch when doing
an AU4. Try it the other way: i.e., try doing an AU4 and
raising the pitch of your voice. It is difficult.
People use AU 1 + 2 when they are looking forward to

something, have positive expectations about is outcome, or
are asking a question that they do not know the answer to.
It is usually accompanied by rises in pitch.
You will, of course, need to use other information to have

confidence in these judgments of tone color.
My goal is only to sensitize you to some cues that might

have emotional significance. They also might not. You are
the judge. Do not use automatic, easy rules. Use your own
personal sensitivity.
1-21
1.3.4. Detecting Emotion from FACS
Affect AU combination
Happiness 6 (cheek raise)

12 (lip corner pull)
*Sadness 1+4 (inner brow raise + brow lowerer)

15 (lip corner depress)
17 (chin raise)
6+20 (cheek raise + lip corner stretch)
*Anger 4 (brow lowerer)

5 (upper lid raise)
17 (chin raise)
23 (lip tight)
24 (lip press)
Fear 1+2+4 (inner brow raise + outer brow

raise + brow lowerer)
5 (upper lid raise)
7 (lids tight)
20 (lip stretch)
*Disgust 9 (nose wrinkler)

10 (upper lip raise)
16+25 (lower lip depress + lips part)
19 (tongue show)
*Contempt 14 (dimpler)
*Surprise 1+2 (inner brow raise + outer brow raise)

5 (upper lid raise)
26 (jaw drop)
*Interest 1+2 (inner brow raise + outer brow raise)

6 (cheek raise)
12 (lip corner pull)
*Domineering 2 (outer brow raise)

1+2 (inner brow raise + outer brow raise)
4 (brow lowerer)
5 (upper lid raise)
7 (lids tight)
*Used in SPAFF coding system
1-22
1.3.5. Table of Action Units of the Human Face6

Action Unit # Name Facial Muscles
1 Inner Brow Raiser Frontalis pars medialis
2 Outer Brow Raiser Frontalis pars lateralis
4 Brow Lowerer Depressor Glabellae, depressor super cillii,
corrugator
5 Upper Lid Raiser Levator Pal pebrae superioris
6 Cheek Raiser Orbicularis Oculi, Pars Orbitalis
7 Lid Tightener Orbicularis Oculi, Pars Palpebralis
8 Lips Toward Each Other Orbicularis Oris
9 Nose Wrinkler Levator Labii superioris, alaeque nasi
10 Upper Lip Raiser Levator Labii superioris, caput infraorbitalis
11 Nasolabial Furrow Deepener Zygomatic Minor
13 Cheek Puffer Caninus
14 Dimpler Buccinator
15 Lip Corner Depressor Triangularis
16 Lower Lip Depressor Depressor Labii Inferioris
17 Chin Boss Raiser Mentalis
18 Lip Puckerer Incisivii Labii Superioris; Incisivus Labii
Inferioris
20 Lip Stretcher Risorius
22 Lip Funneler Orbicularis Oris
23 Lip Tightener Orbicularis Oris
24 Lip Presser Orbicularis Oris
25 Lips Apart Depressor Labii, or relaxation of Mentalis or
Orbicularis Oris
26 Jaw Drops Masseter; Temporal and Internal Pterygoid
Relaxed
27 Mouth Stretches Pterygoids; Digastric
28 Lip Suck Orbicularis Oris
38 Nostril Dilator Nasalis, par alaris
39 Nostril Compressor Nasalis, pars transversa, and Depressor Septi alae
nasi
41 Lids Droop Relaxation of Levator palpebrae Seperioris
42 Eyes Slit Orbicularis Oculi
43 Eyes Close Relaxation of Levator palpebrae Seperioris
44 Squint Orbicularis Oculi, pars palpebralis
45 Blink Relaxation of Levator Palpebrae and Contraction
of Orbicularis Oculi, pars palpebralis
46 Wink Orbicularis Oculi
6
from Ekman and Friesen 1978
1-23
1.4. Specific Affect Coding System Manual
20-CODE VERSION (4.0)
JOHN M. GOTTMAN
ERICA M. WOODIN
JAMES A. COAN
1998
DISGUST. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. 1-24
CONTEMPT. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1-25
BELLIGERENCE. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1-26
DOMINEERING . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. 1-28
CRITICISM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1-30
ANGER. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. 1-32
TENSION. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. 1-33
TENSE HUMOR . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. 1-35
DEFENSIVENESS . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. 1-36
WHINING. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1-37
SADNESS. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1-38
STONEWALLING. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1-39
NEUTRAL. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1-40
SPECIAL NOTE FOR POSITIVE CODES. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1-41
INTEREST. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1-41
VALIDATION. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1-43
AFFECTION. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1-44
HUMOR. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1-46
SURPRISE/JOY. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1-46
CODE-SPECIFIC AFFECT-CODING SYSTEM (SPAFF). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1-48
1-24
1.4.1. DISGUST
This code involves verbal and nonverbal rejection of

some kind of noxious stimulus. It underlines feelings
of revulsion. The image communicated by the partner
displaying this code is one of nausea, and the object of this
nausea should always be either something that the partner
prefers or a behavior that the partner exhibits.
Attributes
Involuntary Reaction—Often a disgust code occurs

immediately after a noxious behavior is mentioned in the
conversation. It is almost as if the partner cannot control
making a vomiting or gagging gesture or wrinkling up
his nose when hearing about something that he finds
disgusting.
Distaste—Something that appears to make the subject feel

sick. The subject may turn her head and say “eeewwww” or
“yuck” or may simply display a subtle AU10.
Aversion—A turning away from and active rejection of

something with a strong suggestion of nausea (including
AUs 9 or 10). It may include quotes such as “Oh, gross!” or
“That make me sick.”
Physical Cues—AUs 9 or 10. Possibly a 4 or 17.
Dialogue Examples
Partner 1: What I’d really like, darling, is for you

to go out with me for a snack of raw
oysters.
Partner 2: (slight AU 1 + 10) Really? Hmmmm.

(Distaste)
Partner 1: I’d love to go see that new Stallone

movie where he decapitates, like four
people with one punch!
Partner 2: (AUs 4 + 9) Oh my God! That is

TOTALLY sickening! (aversion)
1-25
Considerations
l Be careful when viewing rejection and disapproval that

you be aware of voice tone in order not to confuse this
code with domineering or contempt, which include a
suggested superiority.
l Note the difference between “That is really sickening!”

(disgust) and “You make me sick!” (contempt).
1.4.2. CONTEMPT
Contempt is the attempt to insult or otherwise communicate

a lack of respect toward one’s partner. Its expression is
considered to be very powerful, and, as such, it takes
precedence over any other code witnessed simultaneously.
Contempt is entirely different from a simple disagreement.
There is a distance with contempt—an icy quality with a
suggestion of superiority—as if looking down one’s nose at
one’s partner.
Attributes
Sarcasm—Derisive laughter or a ridiculing comment

regarding something the subject’s partner has said. Can be
comments as short as “Sure!” or “I’ll bet you did!” when
the meaning of the statement is obviously the reverse of its
words.
Mockery—Repeating something that one’s partner has said

with an exaggeration intended to show a lack of respect for
the statement or the individual to whom the statement is
attributed.
Insults—An active communication of disrespect for one’s

partner through verbal cruelty. It is intended to humiliate
the partner with the suggestions that the partner is foolish,
incompetent, ugly, or otherwise without virtue.
Hostile Humor—Humor that is sarcastic, mocking, or

insulting. Even if the partner laughs along, still code the
speaker as contempt. An exception is good-natured teasing,
which is coded Humor.
Physical Cues—AUs 1, 2, or 14 (uni or bilateral). An eye

roll is virtually always considered contempt.
1-26
Dialogue Examples
Partner 1: It’s hard work taking care of the kids all

day.
Partner 2: Sure it is. (sarcasm)
Partner 1: Can’t you just help me in the kitchen

once?
Partner 2: (AUs 1 + 10 +15 + 25; high pitched,

exaggerated voice tone) Can’t you just
help me once?! (mockery)
Partner 1: Why can’t you just talk to me for awhile

when you get home from work?
Partner 2: I don’t talk to you because you’re so

boring. I’d rather just read the paper.
(insult)
Considerations
l Contempt takes precedence over all other codes.
l Contempt expressed at someone other than the partner

is neutral, unless it is clear that the contempt at the
other is an indirect put down of the partner.
1.4.3. BELLIGERENCE
Belligerence is provocative. The belligerent person

disagrees with or contests whatever her partner is saying,
seemingly regardless of content. This person appears to
be provoking a response in her partner, as if trying to start
a fight. She may present her partner with a challenge or
appear to delight in her partner’s discomfort.
Attributes
Taunting Questions—Questions that serve only to

confuse and irritate one’s partner for one’s amusement. The
belligerent person may be struggling to repress a smile as
he asks these questions, while his spouse becomes enraged.
1-27
Unreciprocated Humor—The belligerent person may

think she’s being funny, but her partner obviously thinks
otherwise. This can include teasing—which is not playful,
fun, nor shared humor—or sarcastic, mocking and insulting
comments.
Interpersonal Terrorism or The Dare—Here the

belligerent person attempts to test the agreed-upon limits
or fundamental rules of the relationship. It is likewise
daring one’s spouse to keep the rules from being broken.
Questions like “so?” and “what would you do if I did?” and
“what are you going to do about it?” fall into this category.
Physical Cues—Jaw thrust forward. AUs 1 or 2.
Dialogue Examples
Partner 1: I’m really serious about this!
Partner 2: (stifling a smirk) Are you sure you’re

really serious about this? (taunting
question)
Partner 1: I don’t like the way you kept putting

your arm around him. It seemed like
you were flirting with him.
Partner 2: What if I was? (Interpersonal Terrorism

or The Dare)
Partner 1: It hurts my feelings when you call me

‘boopsie.’
Partner 2: (Laughing) But, boopsie, it’s only in

fun! (more laughter) (Unreciprocated
Humor)
Partner 1: (Angry) C’mon! I’m serious!
Partner 2: (Giggling) Boopsie, boopsie, boopsie!

(cracks up) (Unreciprocated Humor)
Considerations
l When pitted against belligerence, anger is considered

to be a positive and therefore belligerence would take
precedence in the event they occur simultaneously.
1-28
l When deciding between belligerence and domineering,

remember that the intent of belligerence is to provoke,
while the intent of domineering is to force compliance.
l An aid in determining the belligerent code is voice tone.

A rising inflection at the end of a challenging question
will usually denote a belligerent affect.
1.4.4. DOMINEERING
The goal of an individual displaying this affect is

to dominate the other person in no uncertain terms.
Domineering individuals will try to control the
conversation. These partners are trying to force compliance,
to get the other person to withdraw, retreat, or submit to
their views.
Attributes
low intensity
Low Balling—In salesmanship, there is a strategy called

low balling in which one tries to get unwary customers to
say “yes” to the simplest of facts that most people agree on.
Then the statements slowly escalate and customers continue
to agree even though the statements are far different from
their own point of view.
Invalidation—The partner actively denies the validity of

previously expressed feelings of his or her partner. Note
that invalidation is not the absence of validation, but rather
the presence of a statement that says, in effect, “you are
wrong.”
Lecturing—Picture a mother shaking her finger at a

son who has run off to a friend’s house without asking
permission. She will be telling him, as a figure of authority,
that he was wrong, why she is right and will lay down the
rules. In domineering people, look for platitudes, clichés,
and quotes from authorities or the ambiguous “everyone”
(as in “everyone knows”) to support their point of view.
Lecturing also includes talking over the partner in an
attempt to actively control or dominate the conversation.
Patronizing—Lecturing in a distinctly patronizing quality,

as if doing one’s best to talk patiently to a child.
1-29
Incessant Speech—This is one tool the domineering

person may use to maintain the floor at all times. There is
a repetitious, steady, almost rhythmic quality to it. By
doing this, the domineering person may repeatedly
summarize her own views while paying little, if any,
attention to the views of her partner.
high intensity
Threats—Statements such as “if you ever do that again,

I’ll . . .” that are intended to scare the partner by promising
negative consequences if she or he engages in a certain
activity.
Ultimatums—A statement such as “if you don’t improve,

I’m leaving.” Ultimatums serve as an extreme threat. They
are all-or-nothing statements that tell the partner that this
is the last straw and that if something doesn’t happen, dire
consequences will result.
Physical Cues—AUs 2, 1 + 2, 1 + 2 + 7, 1 + 2 + 5,
4 + 7, 4 + 5 + 7. Head forward, chin down, shaking finger,
head cocked to one side, glowering.
Dialogue Examples
Partner 1: I just feel so afraid that if you get that

motorcycle, you’ll get killed in some
terrible accident.
Partner 2: But, sweetheart, you want me to be

happy, don’t you? (Low Balling)
Partner 1: And so when you get pissed off and

shout and slam doors, it really scares
me!
Partner 2: Oh, it does not! (Invalidating)
Partner 1: I’m sorry, I didn’t realize traffic would

be so bad.
Partner 2: How many times do I have to tell you

(AUs 2; head forward; speech slow and
deliberate), rush hour starts at four and
then often lasts until six-thirty or seven.
During rush hour, it is nearly
1-30
impossible to drive to your mother’s

and back within a half-hour. Now, if
you’ll pay more attention to what I tell
you, we’ll be able to avoid problems
like this in the future. (Patronizing and/
or Lecturing)
Considerations
l If the patronizing quality blends with contempt, then

contempt takes precedence.
l Whereas belligerence is trying to get a rise out of

someone, domineering behavior is trying to stifle or
shut up the other person.
l If domineering is present along with defensiveness,

defensiveness usually takes precedence. It often helps
to step back from the conversation and make a decision
about what role the individual is playing. In general, is
she trying to defend her position (defensiveness), or is
she trying to influence her partner (domineering)
1.4.5. CRITICISM
Criticism involves attacking someone’s personality or

character rather than a specific behavior and often couples
with blame. Criticism is very different from complaining.
A complaint is a specific statement of anger, distress,
displeasure, or other negativity. Criticism is much less
specific.
Attributes
Blaming—Assigning fault to one’s spouse with a personal

attack or accusation. “The reason the car blew up is because
you never put oil in it.”
Character Attacks—Statements that are critical of the

spouse’s character. Often expressed in “you always/you
never” kinds of statements or in statements including the
word “should.” Examples might include statements such as
“You don’t care,” “You always put yourself first,” or “You
should know better than to leave the porch light on all day.”
1-31
Kitchen Sinking—A long list of complaints. Even though

each item in the list may be expressed as a complaint, when
the complaints begin to pile up they become overwhelming
to the spouse on the receiving end and are to be considered
criticism. An example might be “I don’t feel listened to by
you, and you don’t touch me very often. I asked you to do
certain chores, but you didn’t. I’m just not having any fun.”
Betrayal Statements—Much the same as blaming, this

kind of statement is more specific to trust. It implies (or
states directly) that one spouse betrayed the other. “I trusted
you to balance the checkbook, and you let me down.”
“How could you do that when you know how much this
means to me?”
Negative Mind-Reading—A mind-reading statement

is any attribution that the partner makes about the other’s
feelings, behaviors, or motives. These statements often
include the phrases, “you always . . .” or “you never . . . .”
Mind-reading statements are coded criticism only when
delivered with negative affect.
Physical Cues—A wide variety.
Dialogue Examples (for the sake of clarity, we contrast

critical statements with complaints. Examples are from Dr.
John Gottman’s book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail).
Complaint: We don’t go out as much as I’d like to.
Criticism: You never take me anywhere.
Complaint: It upset me when I came home and

there were dirty dishes in the sink. This
morning we agreed that you would
wash them.
Criticism: You left dirty dishes all over the kitchen

again. You promised me you wouldn’t. I
just can’t trust you, can I?
Complaint: I expected you to come home right after

work. When you didn’t, it made me feel
like you care more about going out with
your friends then spending time with
me.
1-32
Criticism: I hate that you’re the type of person

who never thinks to call and tell me
you’ll be late coming home. You always
leave me hanging. You care more about
your friends than you do about our
relationship.
Considerations
l Often, criticism is delivered with a domineering or

angry affect. Criticism takes precedence because it is
the more corrosive behavior.
l Be on the lookout for counter-criticism. The person

uses criticism as a way to deflect blame. This is coded
defensive.
1.4.6. ANGER
The angry person sounds like he is fed-up, like he’s “had

it up to here.” In this code, voice tone, facial expressions,
gestures, and the content of the communication are all
important. Words may be biting or abrupt with one-syllable
words more strongly stressed.
Attributes
Irritation or Annoyance—The speaker is very frustrated

and will often employ changes in the rhythm of speech and
in the way certain words are stressed.
Raising Voice—This is an open anger, often with a loud

voice tone, while in the midst of confronting, scolding, or
accusing the partner. The speaker may sound irrational or
show evidence of being upset, with involuntary twitches or
jerks.
Constrained Anger—Attempts made to control being

angry. An example is the lowering of the voice and
speaking in an even, staccato rhythm, as if to communicate
to the partner that the speaker is at the end of her rope.
Look particularly for AUs 4, 5, 7 and tight jaws and
clenched teeth in the lower face.
Direct Anger—Statement of anger (“I am angry . . .”) or

complaints with angry affect such as yelling or raising the
voice.
1-33
Physical Cues—AUs 4, 5, 7, 23, 24. The voice is lowered

or raised beyond limit of normal tone. Involuntary twitches
or jerks, tight jaw, clenched teeth. Short, quick sighs.
Dialogue Examples
Partner 1: If you weren’t so irresponsible, this

never would have happened!
Partner 2: (AU 4 + 5 + 23; teeth clenched; high

voice volume) I am not a child! I made
a mistake, and it makes me so mad
when you treat me this way!! (direct
anger)
Partner 1: . . . and another thing, next time your

mother comes, tell her to do something
about that awful growth on the end of
her nose. That thing is so disgusting!
Partner 2: (after a pause; slight AU 4 + 23;

clenched teeth; low voice volume;
words spoken very even, staccato, and
rhythmic) I think that was really unfair
of you to say. There isn’t much she can
to about that. (constrained anger)
Considerations
l Anger is often expressed as a blend with other negative

codes such as contempt and belligerence. In these cases
of blending, all other negatives take precedence over
anger.
l Very often a smile is used to cover anger. Look for the

“unfelt smile”—a smile without an accompanying 6.
1.4.7. TENSION
Tension is an uncomfortable feeling that results from

feeling worried or anxious when an undesirable topic is
introduced into the conversation. The tense person often
has a hard time speaking coherently, spends a lot of time
biting her lip or nails and may behave as if she is feeling
embarrassed.
1-34
Attributes
Speech Disturbances—The speaker is obviously having

a difficult time expressing what it is he wants to say. This
may include several incomplete or unfinished thoughts
within one speaking turn, repetitive uhs or ahs within a
sentence, and stuttering repeatedly (nonbaseline behavior).
Fidgeting—Excessive or repeated plucking at clothes and/

or hands. Rubbing areas of the face such as the temple or
the chin mouth. Also lip biting where the upper or lower lip
appears to be “swallowed.” This is not the same as the lip
disappearing due to a lip press, which is a tightening of the
lips and is coded anger.
Shifting—When individuals are nervous, the phrase

“they’re in the hot seat” is meant to explain this kind or
tension. Partners cannot seem to sit still, almost as if their
chairs are on fire. There is the sense that individuals feel
like an insect squirming on a pin.
Nervous Laughter—Often laughing or smiling will act as

an icebreaker when a situation becomes very tense. These
smiles or attempts at laughter look very forced and often
do not “fit in” with the context of the conversation (there
was no joke told, no humorous event). A listener may smile
when a partner is discussing a very sensitive issue. The
smile looks pasted on as if it were an effort, not a revelation
of happiness.
Physical Cues—AUs 20, 1 + 2 + 4, 1 + 2 + 4 + 5, frequent

eye movement, swallowing lips, nervous smile or laugh.
Dialogue Example
Partner: Well, I uh . . . it’s just that whenever . . .

I mean, ummmm, when I war . . . want
to uhr . . . want to go out, I feel that
I. . . it’s like I always have to ask.
(speech disturbance)
Considerations
l When both people are exhibiting nervous laughter, code

tense humor.
1-35
l If fidgeting behaviors become stationary (i.e., individual

rests chin on hand after rubbing chin), code neutral.
1.4.8. TENSE HUMOR
Tense humor is nervous laughter that occurs in both

partners at the same time. The laughter often comes at the
beginning of, or in the midst of, a serious conversation and
is used as a release of tension. It can also be used to avoid
an unpleasant topic. The duration is short, and there is an
uncomfortable feel to it.
Attributes
Nervous giggling—The couple looks at one another and

erupts into spontaneous giggling for no apparent reason and
then becomes serious. This often happens in the first few
seconds of an interaction or at a transition between topics.
Tense joking—One partner makes a joke during a

conversation, and the other partner responds with a short,
quick laugh and tense smile.
Physical Cues —1 + 12, 12 + 20, absence of 6.
Dialogue Examples
Partner 1: (tense smile) OK. You start.
Partner 2: (smiles back) No, you start. (both fidget

in their chairs and laugh) (nervous
giggling)
Partner 1: (after a pause in conversation) So what

do you want to do?
Partner 2: Let’s just get a maid. (both laugh

nervously) (tense joking)
Considerations
l The key to differentiating tense humor from humor

is the amount of tension the couple is displaying. In
humor, the couple is relaxed, and the laughter is warm
and hearty, often ending with both partners smiling. In
tense humor, on the other hand, both partners are tense
and uncomfortable, and the laughter is short-lived.
1-36
l If there is any negativity in the joking, such as contempt

or belligerence, the negative code takes precedence. (If
the partner still laughs, code it as tension.)
1.4.9. DEFENSIVENESS
This code communicates an innocent victim kind of

stance— a communication of blamelessness—as if to say,
“Leave me alone. What are you picking on me for?” Also,
there is an implicit message that seems to say, “It’s not my
fault, I didn’t do anything wrong.” These statements can
also be communicated in an aggressively defensive manner.
Attributes
Yes–But—The statement starts off sounding like an

agreement, but ends up being a disagreement. There
must be a “yes,” “yeah, I know,” or some other kind of
agreement immediately followed by a disagreement in the
same statement.
Cross-Complaining—This involves meeting a complaint

directly with a counter-complaint. One partner complains
about Subject A, and the other partner immediately
complains about Subject B. This is a way of deflecting the
blow of the initial complaint.
Excuses— Instead of meeting a complaint with “yes, I

know,” an excuse always seems to find another place to rest
the ultimate blame in a given situation.
Rubber man/woman—The partner is defending himself

or herself from attack but also blames the other partner.
The person tries to suggest that guilt or blame actually rests
with the other partner or an outside influence. It is as if to
say, “whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to
you.”
Counter-Criticism—There is a juvenile quality to this

kind of response. The speaker acts pouty and victimized.
The response to a complaint is saying, “Well, you don’t
either.”
Aggressively Defensive—The intensity is high. The

individual does not back away, but rather vehemently or
assertively defends herself or himself. Most often, this
1-37
initial defensive response will be accompanied by

domineering. An example is “No, I did not do that!”
Physical Cues—AUs 1, 1 + 2, 5. Folding arms across

chest.
Dialogue Examples
Partner 1: I stay at home with the kids and then

you come home and want to be alone.
Partner 2: Well, I’m tired from working all day

and want a little time to unwind from all
the tension. (cross-complaining)
Partner 1: You always get tense when my mother

talks about how to raise the children.
(delivered with negative affect)
Partner 2: I don’t always feel that way. It’s just

that your mother is so sanctimonious.
(excuse)
Considerations
l If defensiveness is delivered in a whining tone, code

defensive.
l If defensiveness is displayed in a domineering

way, defensiveness still takes precedence. A key to
distinguishing the two is to know the intent of the
speaker. If the speaker is trying to defend his position
in any way—even if he is extremely domineering while
doing it—code defensive.
1.4.10. WHINING
This code really only refers to voice quality during the

airing of a complaint. The words of a whining person will
sound very nasal and sing-songy and may sound something
like fingernails on a chalkboard—not at all unlike the
whiners on Saturday Night Live.
Dialogue Example
Partner 1: We need to start eating at the dining

room table.
1-38
Whining:
Partner 2: (very high, drawn out voice) Whyyyy? I

like using the TV trays.
*versus*
Defensiveness:
Partner 1: (similar high voice tone) I’ve never said

we shouldn’t. You’re the one who won’t
clean up the papers you have spread all
over the table.
Considerations
l Whining is only coded when associated with a

complaint.
l If there is any defensiveness involved, code defensive.
1.4.11. SADNESS
Sadness is characterized by a marked decrease in energy

and a passive, resigned countenance. It can be expressed in
a very subdued, quiescent state or in a plaintive poignant
way.
Attributes
Passivity—The person behaves as if resigned or hopeless.

She may appear unable to cope with her partner’s behavior,
family, and so on. She lack energy, may be sorry for
herself, feel a minor loss, or miss something or someone.
Listen for long pauses between phrases or words—as if it
takes an extra effort to speak.
Sighing—All slow sighing (as opposed to the rapid

exhalations of anger) are to be coded sadness. Look for the
deep intake of breath and slow droop to the shoulders as he
lets the air go. He may appear tired.
Pouting and/or Sulking—The individual feels hurt or

dejected and is actively showing it, as opposed to behaving
passively. Look for a sad facial expression and a dejected,
droopy stance.
1-39
Crying—Code all tears sadness if the context suggest grief,

remorse or regret, or rejection or hopelessness.
Feeling Hurt—The individual shows grief, remorse, or

desolation. She has a quavering voice tone, and it may be
either abnormally high or low in pitch. There may be a
sense of depression or hopelessness.
Physical Cues—AUs 1, 4, 6, 11, 15, 17.
Considerations
l Pouting and/or sulking may be confused with

stonewalling because of a similar withdrawal form the
interaction. Usually there will be some eye contact;
whereas with stonewalling, there will be very little eye
contact. Think of the line from a Paul Simon song “sad
as a little wrinkled balloon” (sadness) versus the energy
of a rubber band stretched to the limit and then held
there (stonewalling).
1.4.12. STONEWALLING
Individual ceases to attend to what their partner is

saying. Look for this behavior only as a response to
something aversive that the partner is doing. The partner
is complaining, blaming, criticizing, raising an issue, or
otherwise upset or expressing negative affect. The partner
may be talking about doing something the other partner
views as irresponsible. There is a total lack of listening
behavior and an active tuning out of the partner.
Attributes
Away Behavior—The individual focuses on something

trivial in order to avoid eye contact with the partner. Auto-
manipulation includes playing with hair or hands (e.g.,
cleaning nails, looking for split ends) when the partner is
expressing negative affect. The listener is conveying to the
speaker, “I’d rather not be here right now.”
No Backchannels—There are no vocal or nonverbal

backchannels, no head nods, rigid neck, no verbal or vocal
assents (“umm-hmmm,” “yeah,” “uh-huh,” “mmm,” etc.),
no verbal response. There is no facial movement, no facial
mirroring, little eye contact or monitoring gaze (looking
1-40
away and back, away and back rapidly). It may include

leaving the conversation abruptly. Individuals behave as if
they actively want to become a wall to block what they are
hearing. There is a total lack of listening behavior.
Monitoring Gaze—This consists of the same general

behavior stated in “No Backchannels,” although here the
stonewalling person frequently glances at her partner, each
time quickly looking away.
Physical Cues—Face appears stiff or frozen. Jaw may be

clenched, and the muscles in the neck may become more
pronounced.
Considerations
l Be aware of the difference between passive listening

in which there is a lack of backchannels and other
listening behavior, and stonewalling in which the
individual actively shuts out the partner.
l If the individual looks deflated and resigned versus stiff

and withdrawn, consider coding sadness.
1.4.13. NEUTRAL
This is the dividing line between negative and positive.

It is recognizable as being nonemotional in content
and voice tone. The voice has an even, relaxed quality,
without marked stress on individual syllables and within
comfortable pitch range. If you see something that
cannot be defined by SPAFF or is too subtle to recognize
immediately, code neutral. Become familiar with a person’s
resting face. He may naturally have turned down lips or
other permanent features that may appear to be emotional
expressions.
Attributes
Statements and/or Information Exchange—Matter-of-

fact exchange of day-to-day information. Question and
response exchange without positive or negative affect.
Non-codable Interaction—Any behavior or affect that

does not fit the code categories.
1-41
Physical Cues—The face is neutral (be careful of wrinkles,

pouches, and bags that are permanent).
Dialogue Examples
Partner 1: Are we going out to eat?
Partner 2: No, I made some dinner to heat up the

night before.
Partner 1: I took the dog for a walk this morning.
Partner 2: I guess that was after I left for work.
Considerations
l If the affect is directed at another individual and is not

indirectly aimed at the partner, code neutral. If however,
there is any possibility that the affect may be indirectly
aimed at the partner (i.e., “your mom talks too much”),
then code that affect.
1.4.14. SPECIAL NOTE FOR POSITIVE CODES
AUs of Happiness
l These can be associated with validation, affection,

humor, and joy. The most common are the 6, 7, and 12.
l The FACs manual mentions looking for a “twinkle

in the eye.” A smile may also be used as a mask to
hide other emotions, but you will often be able to see
leakage of other emotions in the brow and forehead
area.
1.4.15. INTEREST
There is a positive energy in relation to what the partner

has said or done, with a definite involvement on the part
of the listener. The voice can be relaxed and calm and still
have this positive energy as the partners ask questions
and probe an issue in greater depth. The interested person
appears genuinely concerned about the partner’s thoughts
and feelings, not merely attempting to avoid a fight or
to appease. Interest is an active code; passive (neutral)
listening is not to be coded interest.
1-42
Attributes
Elaboration Seeking—The individual reflects or

questions in order to seek clarification; asks for additional
information or elaboration. It is important that there be
positive energy and that the listener is open and receptive.
This can happen in the middle of a conflict discussion, but
be careful that the tone is positive and not domineering or
belligerent.
Opinion Question—This can be any question that elicits

opinion and thought rather than just information. The
question is asking why instead of just what.
Physical Cues—1 + 2, 6 and 12.
Dialogue Examples
Partner 1: And so when you get pissed off and

shout and slam doors, it really scares
me!
Partner 2: (positive energy/genuine quality) Does

it make you feel like I’m taking it out on
you? (elaboration seeking)
Partner 1: I’m very frustrated that we haven’t had

a vacation together in so long.
Partner 1: Let’s start planning one. Would you

like to go camping sometime? (opinion
question)
Considerations
l Paraphrasing is validation unless it is used in a question

format to seek clarification—then it should be coded
interest.
l Domineering individuals will often ask questions as

a way of proving their point to their partner. The way
to distinguish this from interest is the intent of the
question. Ask yourself whether the individual really
wants to know the answer to the question or if they
are just asking leading questions much like a lawyer
arguing a case would. Also, there is always a pause after
a real interest question to allow the partner to respond;
1-43
whereas with domineering, there is often a barrage of

questions with no pauses in between.
1.4.16. VALIDATION
Validation is coded when the couple is talking about one of

the partner’s feelings. It involves acceptance and openness
to a partner’s viewpoint, even if he disagrees. There is a
communication of respect—that the partner makes sense
and that the individual is open to suggestions.
Attributes
low level
Backchannels—This indicates the individual is listening to

the partner in an affirmative fashion by using paralinguistic
cues, such as head nods, “umm-humm,” or other physical
and vocal assenting behaviors. There must be eye contact
for backchanneling behavior to be coded validation.
high level
Understanding and/or Acceptance—This includes direct

expression of understanding and/or acceptance of the
partner’s point of view. It also includes explicit expressions
of respect or agreement and the paraphrasing of the
partner’s viewpoint.
Paraphrasing—Individual repeats back what her partner

has just said in a slightly different style. Think of the
“so what you’re saying is . . .” format. If the individual
paraphrases in question format, however, code interest.
Apology—Acceptance of the partner’s point of view

coupled with an apology.
Finishing Sentences—The individual places an ending to

the sentences the partner has begun. This is a way to let the
partner know the individual is “on the same page” and can
follow the partner’s train of thought.
Physical Cues —Head nod with eye contact.
1-44
Dialogue Examples
Partner 1: I just feel so afraid that if you get that

motorcycle, you’ll get killed in some
accident.
Partner 2: Wow. It sounds like it really scares you.

(understanding and/or acceptance)
Partner 1: And so, when you got pissed off and

slammed the door, it really scared me!
Partner 2: I bet! I’m really sorry about that!

(Apology)
Considerations
l If the individual expresses empathy instead of just

understanding, code affection.
l Do not code validation for information exchange (i.e.,

answering a yes/no question).
1.4.17. AFFECTION
This is a direct expression of caring. The voice sometimes

slows, with a drop in amplitude, yet even then there
remains a definite intensity or energy in its expression.
There may be a romantic feel to their conversation because
of the warmth of their voices and sharing of intimate
moments.
Attributes
Tenderness and Closeness—Reminiscing, sharing a

moment that brings them close together. There is often a
sort of warm dreamy quality to this kind of interaction. The
affectionate partner appears peaceful, mellow, contented,
and friendly.
Loving and Caring Statements—Statements such as “I

love you,” “I care about you.”
Compliments—Statements that communicate pride in

one’s partner.
1-45
Empathy—Mirroring a partner’s feelings. Not necessarily

verbal (partner makes sad face, then individual mirrors sad
face back). This sort of mirroring let’s people know that
their feelings are understood and shared. This is more than
validation, it is validation coupled with affect that mirrors
that of the partner.
Common Cause—A perhaps less intuitive form of

affection, here one partner expresses anger (perhaps even
contempt) for some third party, and the other spouse joins
in a sort of verbal mirroring. Think of it as “we-against-
others.” It needn’t be the sharing of negative thoughts or
feelings; positive things can be shared too.
Physical Cues—There is no action unit that distinguishes

affection. The important factor is the warm voice tone.
They may be crying with the partner, or angry at the same
person with the partner. A 6 + 12 shows a positive energy
that can be linked to affection.
Dialogue Examples
Partner 1: (sigh) And so then Dad told me he

wished I’d been more like my brother
(sad face).
Partner 2: (sad face – AU1) Ouch. That sounds

like it hurt. (Empathy)
Partner 1: Can you believe the way they treated

us? What jerks!
Partner 2: No kidding! What a couple of creeps!

(Common Cause)
Partner 1: Remember that big sand castle we made

at the beach?
Partner 2: (warm smile) Yep. I couldn’t believe

how cute you were, diggin’ around in
the sand all day. (closeness/compliment)
Consideration
l If affection is present, it takes precedence over all other

positive codes.
1-46
1.4.18. HUMOR
Moments of shared laughter that are not tense. The laughter

here is characterized by an underlying feeling of shared
happiness.
Attributes
Joking and/or Good-Natured Teasing—Jokes and teasing

that both partners think is funny enough to laugh at.
Wit—Mutual recognition of absurdity that causes laughter.

It is a sort of “we-against-other” behavior where the
partners are laughing at someone or something else’s
behavior or nature. Think of it as shared deviance.
Giggling and/or Private Joke—Although elusive to

outside observers, something is going on that both partners
think is entirely funny.
Fun and/or Exaggeration—The partners are thoroughly

enjoying themselves and are actively trying to make each
other laugh by using exaggerated, animated, or imitative
behavior. More energy, and often a deeper laughter,
accompanies this.
Physical Cues – AUs 1, 2, 6, 12, 25-27.
Considerations
l If affection is present, that takes precedence over

humor. For example, if the individual is teasing the
partner, but is doing so in a way that turns out to be a
compliment.
l If the humor is at all tense or short-lived, or if it seems

out of place in the conversation, consider coding tense
humor.
l If only one person is laughing, and the other one seems

upset, consider coding belligerence, contempt, or
tension.
1.4.19. SURPRISE/JOY
A positive, happy, or emphatic reaction to some event.
1-47
Attributes
Positive Surprise—An emphatically happy reaction

to some unanticipated event or remark. Big smiles and
exclamation points characterize this code.
Joy—Moments of happiness such as when someone has

received a compliment. Often one can see a broad, warm
smile appear on a subject’s face after his or her partner has
remarked on how wonderful he or she is. This is Happiness.
Look for a bright, beaming, positive expression.
Physical Cues—AUs 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 12, 23, 24, 25-27.
Dialogue Examples
Partner 1: Guess who is coming to visit us this

weekend? Jeff!
Partner 2: Wow, it’s been years since I saw him.

I can hardly believe it. We have lots to
catch up on. (positive surprise)
Partner 1: . . . and I know I’ve told you before that

I’m not willing to compromise on this,
but I’m starting to think that moving to
Idaho to be near your family might not
be such a bad idea.
Partner 2: (big smile, warm glowy look) I’m so

happy to hear you say that. (joy)
Considerations
l To differentiate from interest, look for expressions of

delight or pleasure.
l Be careful not to code mock surprise or surprise that

is overly prolonged or exaggerated—if there is not
warmth or positive energy, do not code surprise/joy.
joy.
1-48
1.4.20. SPAFF CRIB SHEET
Disgust (DIS) Tense Humor (T/H) Affection (AFF)

• Involuntary reaction Same as nervous laughter but • Tenderness/closeness
• Distaste involves both partners • Loving/caring statements
• Aversion Brief segments • Compliments
Nervous giggling • Empathy
Tense joking • Common cause (we
Contempt (CON) against others)
• Sarcasm
• Mockery Defensiveness (DEF)
• Insults Yes–But Humor (HUM)
• Hostile humor Cross-complaining • Joking/good-natured teasing
• Eye rolls Excuses • Wit
• Dimples Rubber man/woman • Giggling or private joke
Counter-criticism • Fun/Exaggeration
Aggressive defense • Longer segments than T/H
Belligerence (BEL)
• Taunting questions
• Unreciprocated humor Whining (WI) Surprise/Joy (SPJ)
• Interpersonal terrorism • Nondefensive complaint • Positive Surprise
• The dare • Sing-song voice quality • Emphatic Reaction
• High pitched and/or nasal tone
Domineering (DOM) Notes
Low Level Generally, when two codes appear,
• Low balling Sadness (SAD) code the one you see the most of.
• Invalidation • Passivity The remaining guidelines are as
• Lecturing, patronizing • Sighing follows:
• Incessant speech • Pouting/sulking • Negative codes take precedence
High Level • Crying over positive codes.
• Threats • Feeling hurt • Contempt takes precedence over
• Ultimatums all other negative codes.
• Affection takes precedence over
Stonewalling (STO) all other positive codes.
Criticism (CRI) • Away behavior • When choosing a code, ask
• Blaming • No backchannels yourself whether the person is
• Character attacks • Monitoring gaze on the offensive or defensive.
• Kitchen sinking
• Betrayal statements
• Negative mind-reading Neutral (N) Parts of a Code
• Neutral affect • Verbal content
• Statement/Information exchange • Voice tone
Anger (ANG) • Noncodable interaction • Facial expression
• Irritations/Annoyance
• Raised voice Remember
• Constrained anger Interest (INT) Be a coding machine.
• Direct anger • Elaboration seeking No mercy
• Opinion question
Tension (TEN)
• Speech disturbances Validation (VAL)
• Fidgeting Low Level
• Shifting • Backchannels
• Nervous laughter High Level
• Understanding and/or acceptance
• Paraphrasing
• Apology
• Finishing sentences

1-49
CODE-SPECIFIC AFFECT-CODING SYSTEM (SPAFF)
1. NEUTRAL
2. HUMOR
3. AFFECTION–CARING
4. INTEREST–CURIOSITY (needs definite energy)
5. ANTICIPATION–SURPRISE–EXCITEMENT–JOY (needs more energy)
6. ANGER
7. DISGUST–SCORN–CONTEMPT
8. WHINING
9. SADNESS
10. TENSION
1-50
2-1
2. Tension in the Voice

2.1. Fear (Tension/Stress/Worry/Fear)
Type 1: Speech Disturbances
Speech disturbances have been studied, and two kinds have

been distinguished. One kind, called “ah-disturbance,”
is neutral. Words like “ah,” “er,” and “um” are usually
designed to provide the speaker with thinking time; they
tend to be a vehicle for keeping the floor (i.e., for the
speaker to hold on to his or her turn). The other kind of
speech disturbance is called “non-ah-disturbances”:
l Sentence change in the middle of a sentence
l Repetition in mid-sentence
l Stuttering
l Omissions
l Sentence incompletion
l Slips
l Intruding incoherent sounds
They are generally indicative of tension. The following

table gives examples of categories of speech disturbances
(from Cook, 1969).
Category Example
1. Sentence change I have a book which . . . the book I need for
finals.
2. Repetition I often . . . often work at night . . .
3. Stutter I sort of I . . . I . . . leaves me
4. Omission (e.g., leaving out a I went to the lib . . . the Bod.
word or leaving it unfinished)
5. Sentence incompletion He said the reason was . . . anyway,
he couldn’t go.
6. Tongue slip I haven’t much term (i.e., time) these days.
7. Incoherent intruding sound I don’t really know why . . . uh . . . I went . . .
2-2
Fear is indicated when non-ah-speech-disturbances are

negative in tone. Also, any other utterances of fear, worry,
or anxiety indicate fear. People will also display non-
ah-speech-disturbances when excited and happy, so it is
important not to code these excitement affects as indicating
tension. Also, non-ah-speech-disturbances could be
common in some cultural groups and should not be taken
as indicators of tension (e.g., people for whom English is a
second language).
Type 2: Fundamental Frequency Shifts
When people speak in a relaxed way, their voices tend to

be in what is called a “chest register.” They speak in their
normal “fundamental frequency.” However, when they
become tense, the fundamental frequency shifts upward as
the vocal pillars become tense and the regular voice shifts
from a chest to a head register. It is possible to hear this
tightness and tension in the voice.
3-1
3. The Words Themselves

3.1. How the Story Is Told
We want to reiterate a point we made about watching
people. When you read a transcript, you must view how
characters tell their story as a choice. There are a million
different ways of saying the same thing. What precisely
is this person communicating by this particular choice of
words?
In order to perceive the information gained by how

someone has acted, you need to do a very important mental
exercise. You must pretend that this action was chosen
from a set of alternative actions. This means that you must
imagine other possibilities. For example, let’s say one
partner says, “Today I lost my favorite bracelet.” How
might her partner respond? He might say, “Oh, no, that’s
terrible, you always loved that bracelet.” This is empathetic
and supportive. Or he might say, “I told you to get that
clasp fixed,” which might be angry. Or he might say, “You
keep losing things,” which could have a range of meaning
(usually it is contemptuous), depending on the context and
how it is said. His response could be a long speech. Or he
could not respond at all (e.g., he could say, “What’s for
dinner?”), which could be negative or positive. Your job is
to imagine a range of alternatives in order to give meaning
to the response you actually observe.
We want to give you an example here of one couple talking

about how their day went. When he asks about her day, she
goes into a long narrative about losing a bracelet. Read this
segment and think about what she is saying and how she is
saying it by her choice of words. How is she describing the
events? What picture of herself is she trying to convey to
her partner?
Partner 1: What else did you do?

Partner 2: Well, Susan got upset. She’s still having
problems with her boyfriend, so, well, she
and Peggy invited me to lunch and, well, you
know, I haven’t been out with them for a while.
So we went over to the Pizza Hut and I had a
salad and two pieces of pizza and a beer. I had
a nice time there, and then I went to the store
3-2
and came home. And, ah, well you know that

bracelet that I bought from Terra, well . . . , I
lost it today. And, well, the clasp on it wasn’t
very tight. . . . So, I backtracked and went
everywhere lookin’ for that bracelet. I couldn’t
find it anyplace, an’ so I posted up notices at
the IGA store, Value Plus, where I went, and
back at the Pizza Hut and everywhere. And I
didn’t even get home until shortly before you
got home, and I straightened up the apartment,
and ah, ah, you know, and I thought, well
it was getting so close to the time you were
gonna get home, I thought I’d let you come
home and take a shower first before I took a
shower.
Now, how does she act? We think she is trying to prepare
for his criticism. She is trying to tell him that it was not
her fault, she lost it because of the faulty clasp. Also, she
did everything possible to track it down. Then she did
everything possible to post up notices. Then she was a good
partner to boot. She straightened the apartment and she let
him take a shower first. What is her message? We think it
is somewhat fearful of his criticism. She is telling him and
perhaps herself the message, “I am not incompetent.” She
is expecting his contempt and criticism.
Imagine other ways this story might have unfolded. For

example,
Partner 1: What else did you do?

Partner 2: Well, I went out for pizza with Susan and
Peggy, and then I had a frustrating afternoon
looking for that dumb bracelet with the faulty
clasp. But never mind, it’ll probably turn up.
How was your day?
These are roughly the same facts, but they tell an entirely
different story.
Here is an example of contempt that is communicated just

by the words.
Partner 1: You are in a position where you should be

on time for work. You are supposed to be a
supervisor.
3-3
Partner 2: Well, I am not late for work everyday now.

Partner 1: No, because you have to be there an hour early
to drive me to work. If it weren’t for me, you’d
still be late.
Partner 2: Well, yeah. Ah, I, I sort of like being to work
early, getting to work early.
Partner 1: You sort of like it. You sort of like it. (Her
repetition of his last statement is said with
mockery and contempt.)
Partner 2: Well, I’d like to make it a habit, really. I really
would.
Partner 1: I would like to make it a habit for you to make
it a habit that when I say . . .
Partner 2: to get up out of bed . . .
Partner 1: George, it’s time to get up, then you get up.
The words themselves can communicate a great deal of
affective information. A common behavior in couples
interaction is one what the Couples Interaction Scoring
System (CISS) calls “mind-reading.” Mind-reading is any
attribution of feeling, thought, action, or motive to the
other person. For example, “You always get tense at my
mother’s house,” or “You don’t care about the house,”
or “You didn’t take out the garbage.” Mind-reading has
different effects depending on whether it is delivered
with positive or negative affect. We have discovered that
when mind-reading such as, “You always get tense at my
mother’s,” is said with an accusing, blaming tone of voice,
the response will be to disagree and then to elaborate (e.g.,
“I don’t always get tense, just when she starts criticizing
how I act around my children and you take her side.”).
If the mind-reading is delivered with neutral or positive
affect, the response is to agree and then to elaborate (e.g.,
“Yeah, I do. She does get me going, and it’s worse when
you take her side. Why do you do that?”). Pay attention to
the use of “you always” and “you never” forms of mind-
reading; often they are accompanied by negative affect.
3-4
3.2. Specific Affect Coding System (10-Code Version) Test

Tape Segments
The following dialogues are transcripts of filmed
conversations between partners. Each time our coders
detected an emotional expression, their coding is included
in bold and parentheses.
Segment 1: DUO 83, 103, Conversation B
Partner 1: The light’s on.1(tension)

Partner 2: Uhhhmmm. Communication.2(sadness) The
question is . . .3(tension)
Partner 1: How we disagree.4
Partner 2: On communication?5
Partner 1: You don’t see a need for it.6(whining)
Partner 2: Oh yeah.7
Partner 1: You just said you kept to yourself.8(neutral)
Partner 2: Well, yeah I just . . . . semi, I dunno. Idle chit
chat I guess.9(tension)
Partner 1: You what?10(anger)
Partner 2: Some of the idle chit chat I guess if that is
what you refer to as communication.11(neutral)
Partner 1: What do you mean idle chit chat?12(anger)
Partner 2: General run of the mill bullshit
(laughter).13(tension)
Partner 1: There’s nonverbal communication if you’re
tuned in.14(neutral)
Partner 2: (Head nod)15
Partner 1: Like that man said in that canoeing class, as
they went over the rapids that they were still
communicating.16(neutral)
Partner 2: That’s true. What do you think we need to talk
more about then? Huh?17(neutral)
Partner 1: Well,18(sadness) I think when there’s uh, a
problem, or I’m trying to tell you something,
sometimes I shouldn’t have to say anything.
You can know when I am in a hurry or tired
3-5
and have to be somewhere and I don’t have

enough time to do something or what should
be done.19(neutral)
Partner 2: You talk about chores or, er . . . ?20(neutral)
Partner 1: I am, yes.21(neutral)
Partner 2: Or communication? 2(neutral)
Partner 1: Well chores, that’s what I was saying. I
shouldn’t have to ask you to help me. You
should know.23(neutral)
Partner 2: Well that’s chores. We’re talking about
communication.24(neutral)
Partner 1: But that is communication.25(neutral)
Partner 2: Giving job assignments is
Partner 1: Well, that’s communication.27(neutral)
Partner 2: Sweeping the floor is a chore.28(neutral)
Partner 1: Well, if you were . . .29(neutral)
Partner 2: I, I just, just take as communication being uhh,
uhh no should we sit down and discuss things
more fully.30(tension)
Partner 1: We don’t sit down and discuss nothing unless
it’s a problem, or if somebody gets mad. You
know lots of families have what they call,
which is kinda silly, but a weekly meeting or
some weekly time when they just sit down
there and talk about everything that has been
going on there all week, what they like and
don’t like.31(anger)
Partner 2: Uhhhmmm.32(low level validation) We used to
have those at home. (laughter)33(affection)
Partner 1: That’s a little farfetched maybe, but I’m just
saying.34(tension)
Partner 2: I know what you mean. I just . . . 35(neutral)
Partner 1: If you think about a family or a
home,36(neutral)
Partner 2: Well you, you37(neutral)
3-6
Partner 1: It should be run like a business, I mean

it’s38(neutral)
Partner 2: Yeah, but you know39(neutral)
Partner 1: It makes sense40(neutral)
Partner 2: You know, you know what the major
problems we have at work? Really is
Partner 1: It’s a major problem everywhere42(neutral)
Partner 2: Yeah, Yeah43(neutral)
Partner 1: People don’t say what they mean44(whining)
Partner 2: Or45(neutral)
Partner 1: Or they say something else and expect the
other person to read their minds. 46(whining)
Partner 2: Or assume that people know what they mean
or want.47(whine)
Partner 1: Well, how many times have I asked you what’s
wrong and you say nothing. And then a month
later or a week later you say what was wrong
and I couldn’t have guessed it in a million
years.48
Partner 2: I don’t know why that is. Why, you know, why
people. You can even ask almost anybody or
anything else I know at work what’s bothering
or troubling them and oh. 49(tension)
Partner 1: But you never ask me what’s
wrong.50(sadness)
Partner 2: Maybe I know.51(neutral)
Partner 1: No, I don’t think you do.52(sadness)
Partner 2: Maybe I just enjoy the quietness of it. I don’t
know.53(neutral)
Partner 1: Well seriously, I think that as long as we’ve
been married that you don’t, you don’t know
very much about me at all.54(sadness)
Partner 2: No, I think it’s true about, about both of us
maybe.55(sadness)
Partner 1: No, but I’ll ask you if something is wrong and
you get mad . . . 56(neutral)
4-1
4. Bids and Turning

4.1. Introduction
The following is an instruction guide for research staff who
code interactions. Thus, it is not addressed to clinicians.
However, the information may prove interesting and useful
for you, as it supplies a more in-depth analysis of bid-and-
turning interaction. Bids and turning can best be evaluated
during the narrative and oral history portions of Assessment
Session 1.
The Turning Towards vs. Turning Away coding system was

designed for a very unique observational situation called
the Apartment Lab. Couples who participated in this study
agreed to live in a studio-type apartment for 24 hours.
During much of this time, we videotaped them using four,
remote cameras positioned in the corners of the room. The
Apartment Lab had a kitchenette, a dining table, couches,
TV, and stereo. The couples were asked to bring groceries,
music, videos, or work with them for the day. In this semi-
natural environment, we did not give them any specific
tasks to perform but asked them to live as they would at
home.
Although the Apartment Lab had a great potential to tell us

about the many ways couples interact in their daily lives,
it produced an unexpected difficulty: subtlety. Couples do
not interact in overt and exciting ways in everyday life.
This subtlety challenged us to create a new coding system
to capture small and often insignificant moments for the
couples. The Turning Towards vs. Turning Away coding
system (Turning System) was the result of that effort.
This Turning Manual is designed to train research coders

to observe couples in a structured and objective format.
One of the most important tasks for a coder is to learn to
watch for specific behaviors regardless of your personal
perspective. When Dr. John Gottman was first learning to
code, he was being trained to observe various emotions in
couples while they were arguing. During one of the training
meetings, the instructor asked the class to identify a specific
behavior by the wife. In a room of 12 coder trainees, no
one was able to identify the behavior. The instructor then
showed us that the wife’s behavior should have been
4-2
objectively coded with Contempt. The difficulty in coding

this behavior lay in the fact that the coders all liked the wife
and didn’t like the husband. The wife’s sarcastic comment
seemed well timed and appropriate for the situation. It
did not seem contemptuous. One of the most difficult
challenges in learning to code, however, is to set aside this
type of judgment. If the behavior occurs, code it.
This Turning Manual is organized in the same order as the

coding sheet used in research. Once you have learned these
codes, it can be used as a reference.
4.2. Bids
4.2.1. Definition
The term “Bid” relates to the idea that a partner is bidding

for an interaction. One partner is trying to engage the
other in some type of communication. These bids cover
a wide range of interaction from a simple look to a funny
story. The partner uses a Bid to initiate conversation or to
encourage further interaction.
A Bid that is used to begin a conversation is the easiest to

recognize. It is the first interaction after a period of silence.
4.2.2. Bantering
It is more difficult to identify a Bid when the couple is

bantering back and forth in conversation. The couple is
already engaged in an interaction, so we are looking for
bids that enhance or continue the discussion. During these
banters, there are two criteria for capturing new bids:
change in the topic of the conversation or change in the
type of Bid.
When there is a change in the topic of the conversation, one

partner is encouraging further interaction. As a new topic
arises, the partner is initiating a new Bid.
If the couple is bantering on the same topic, it is also a new

Bid if there is a change in Bid type. For example, if a wife
is making a series of comments and changes to a question,
it is considered a new Bid. This is a new Bid even when it
involves the same subject. There are eight different types
of bids, so this process can be challenging to distinguish at
times.
4-3
4.2.3. Exclusions
Although most initiations for interaction are considered

bids, we have some exclusions. Talking to yourself or an
animal is not a Bid, nor is talking to someone on the phone.
The partner can hear these conversations, but they are not
attempts to interact.
Comfortable banter on the same topic with the same Bid

type.
If one partner starts a Bid, but does not finish it, it is not a
Bid.
4.3. Bid Types

We’ve designated five Bid types:
1. Silent Bid
2. Comment (Low and High)
3. Question (Low and High)
4. Playful Bid
5. Negative Bid
4.3.1. Silent Bid
Any nonverbal Bid will be coded as a Silent Bid. It

must be a Silent behavior that the partner can notice and
acknowledge.
Examples
Pointing out the window
Handing their partner an object
Staring
Exclusion
A fleeting glance is not considered a Bid for an interaction.
4.3.2. Comment Bid
Low Level
The Low-Level Comment Bid is any verbal remark,

observation, or statement to a partner. It can either be an
opening remark to a conversation or can be used to change
the topic of the conversation.
4-4
Examples
That’s a huge boat!

We’ll be going home soon.
These vegetables are soft.
Considerations
It is important to rule out the other Bid types before coding

a Comment Bid.
Sighs and grunts are not Comment Bids
Often a partner will begin with a Silent-type Bid, but move

into a Comment-type Bid. With these interactions, the
Evertz will begin with the Silent, but it will be coded as a
Comment Bid.
High Level
The High-Level Comment is a statement about opinions,

thoughts, or feelings. These comments seem to have a more
personal touch than a simple exchange of information.
High-Level Comments are not necessarily associated with
energy level. We are more concerned with content when
coding this Bid.

Examples
Low-Level Comment High-Level Comment

There’s another boat. I’d love to have a boat like
that!
Here’s some broccoli I don’t like broccoli.
I’m going to lunch with Kate is a wonderful friend.
Kate.
4.3.3. Question
Low Level
The Low-Level Question is a Bid of general interest or

information. This is not a question about thoughts or
feelings, but a tool to gain information.
Because the Low-Level Question is a request for

information, it will likely change the topic of the
4-5
conversation. When it is used this way, it is considered

a new Bid even if the couple is already interacting. So
the Low-Level Question can come at the beginning of an
interaction or during a comfortable banter back and forth.
Examples
Do you want some milk?

Is your potato hot?
Do you have to be at work at eight o’clock tomorrow?
High Level
A question that asks a partner about opinions, thoughts,

or feelings is coded as High Level. This type of Bid is not
necessarily complex; it can be as simple as, “Do you like
green beans?” As coders, it is important to look for the
distinction between that and, “Do you want some green
beans?” (Low-Level Question).
The High-Level Question can come at the beginning of an

interaction or during a comfortable banter back and forth.
When a couple is already engaged in an interaction, the
High-Level Question bids for a more intense response.
Examples
Low-Level Question High-Level Question

Do you want some salad? Do you like your salad?
Did Jim say we’re boring? Are we boring?
Are we going to your Do you want to go to your
mom’s for Christmas? mom’s for Christmas?
4.3.4. Playful Bid
A Playful Bid is full of fun and good spirits. It often

involves some physical sparring with good-natured jesting.
It is important that both partners are laughing and enjoying
the interaction in order to code it Playful.
Examples
Throwing a ball at their partner.

Thumb wrestling
Bopping their partner
4-6
4.3.5. Negative Bid
Attributes
The Negative Bid is based on another coding system called

SPAFF. The following behaviors will be coded together
under the Negative Bid code. These explanations are from
the Apartment Lab SPAFF manual.
Contempt
Contempt is the attempt to insult or otherwise

communicate a lack of respect toward one’s partner.
Its expression is considered to be very powerful.
There is a distance with contempt, an icy quality
with a suggestion of superiority, as if looking down
one’s nose at one’s partner.
Belligerence
The belligerent person disagrees with or contests

whatever her or his partner is saying, seemingly
regardless of content. This person appears to be
provoking a response in the partner, as if trying to
start a fight. He or she may present the partner with
a challenge or appear to delight in the partner’s
discomfort. It includes Taunting Questions,
Unreciprocated Humor, and Interpersonal Terrorism
and Dare.
Domineering
The goal of the Domineering Bid is to control his

or her partner. This person will attempt to control the
conversation by attempting to force compliance,
getting the partner to withdraw, retreat, or submit. It
has the flavor of a parental interaction.
Criticism
Criticism involves attacking someone’s personality

or character, rather than a specific behavior, and
is often coupled with blame. Criticism is very
different from complaining. A complaint is a
specific statement of anger, distress, displeasure,
or other negativity. Criticism is much less specific.
4-7
It includes Blaming, Character Attacks, Kitchen

Sinking, and Betrayal Statements.
Defensiveness
People who are behaving defensively are effectively

saying that they are not at fault, that they are
blameless regarding whatever their partners may be
upset about. If their spouses are upset with them,
they are the innocent victims of misplaced blame,
and so on.
Considerations
A Negative Bid takes precedence over all other bids. For

example, if a partner asks a question in a domineering or
contemptuous way, the Bid is coded as Negative not as a
Question.
4.3.6. Rebid
A “Rebid” is a repeat of an original Bid after the other

partner has failed to respond. It does not have to be the
exact Bid, but something very close to it. For example:
If a husband asks his wife, “Would you like something
to drink?” he may rebid with, “Would you like water or
milk?” His intent was clear in both bids: he wanted a
response about drinks.
In order to code a Rebid, there must be a Passive or Away

Response preceding it.
A rebid does not include multiple attempts to engage the

partner on different topics. These should be coded as a
series of unsuccessful Bid attempts.
Examples
Partner 1: I’m going to turn on the fan.

Partner 2: [No response]
Partner 1: Do you want me to turn on the fan?
Partner 2: Did you call Jerry?
Partner 1: [No response]
Partner 2: Didn’t Jerry want you to call him today?
4-8
4.3.7. Drop Out

Occasionally, a couple will be involved in a conversation
in which one partner simply drops out. They abruptly stop
interacting. When this happens, it is noticeable, because it
is not a natural break. It seems as if the conversation has
fallen off a verbal cliff.
In order to code Drop-Out behavior, the couple must be

involved in a banter back and forth on the same topic of
conversation, when one person stops interacting. This is
not the same as an Away, because the Bid was received and
acknowledged.
We will code a Drop Out from the Evertz of the last word
of either partner.
4.4. Turning Towards Responses

4.4.1. Passive Response
Passive is the first level of the Turning Towards Responses.
In a Passive Response, it is clear that the Bid has been

received, but minimal effort is taken to reply. The partner
may simply look out the window when his partner
comments about a boat. At times, the partner may even give
a one- or two-word comment, but with no effort and with
no reaction.
When coding Passive, it is important that the bidding

partner is able to see or hear the response. If a partner looks
at the TV, for example, but has a newspaper between him or
her and his or her partner, it is impossible for her or him to
understand that he or she did respond to her or his Bid. This
code requires careful consideration to distinguish it form an
Away Response.
Examples
No verbal response and only a mild change in behavior.

Looks at the TV, then back to previous activity.
Looks up briefly, then looks away.
Takes a fork from spouse, no comment.
One- or two-word comment while doing something else.
Comments such as “yeah” or “uh huh” without any other
behavior change.
4-9
Considerations
If the partner changes his or her behavior or posture AND

makes a comment, it should be coded as a Low-Energy
Response.
Some ACTIONS are Passive. The couple is washing dishes,

for example, and the wife hands the husband a plate to
dry. If he takes the plate without comment, it is a Passive
Response. If, however, he has to cross the room to take the
plate from her, it is a Low-Energy response.
4.4.2. Low-Energy Response
When a partner uses a Low-Energy Response, he or she

is answering the Bid only. He or she does respond, but
with standard information, minimal behavior, and limited
energy. The type of interaction here is almost businesslike.
There is some necessity to responding.
For brief yeah-type responses, there must be a change in

behavior to be coded as a Low Energy. If she or he answers
briefly but also stops what she or he is doing or turns
towards the partner, it is a Low-Energy Response
Any ACTIONS that answer only the Bid are Low-Energy

Responses.
Also included are brief questions that clarify the Bid with
low energy “What?” “A small what?” “Did it?”
Examples
Partner 1: Go get a spoon for the salad.

Partner 2: Goes and gets the spoon without comment.
Partner 2: Do you work tomorrow?
Partner 1: Sets down her or his book to reply, “Yeah.”
Criteria
Brief responses with some postural change:

Looks up at the boat AND comments, “Yeah.”
One sentence responses:

Partner 1: “Are you getting some air?”
4-10
Partner 2: “Yeah, I’m getting some air.”
Brief Questions:
“What?”
Actions without Comment:
He or she gets up to get a spoon when asked to do so.
Humor:
Smirks and brief chuckles are Low-Energy Humor.

Also, if partner seems to give a “courtesy laugh,” it
is a Low-Energy Response.
4.4.3. Attentive Response
This is the first response that welcomes the Bid. It doesn’t

necessarily have a lot of energy associated with it, but the
spouse wants to hear his or her partner and makes an effort
to let him or her know.
Attentive Responses are usually more than one sentence

such as an explanation or comment. They can, however,
include one or two words if those words are given with
some energy and effort. One partner may laugh and say, “I
know.”
If the partner uses backchannels and/or validation-type

responses, it is coded as at least an Attentive Response.
This includes good eye contact with head nodding, even if
there is no verbal response.
Attentive Responses may include some action. For

example, a woman asked her partner if he would pour some
milk for her. He pleasantly said, “Sure” and poured the
milk. It was clear that he was happy to oblige.
Directed questions where the partner seeks to clarify the

Bid or seeks more information are included in an Attentive
Response. “An 8:00 meeting?” “Is it? Why?” One example
was a woman who was washing dishes when her partner
made a comment. She stopped washing the dishes, turned
to look at him and said, “What, honey?” This question
was brief, but she was clearly interested in hearing his
comment.
4-11
Criteria
l Single word or sentence response with some energy and

effort
l Multiple-sentence responses
l Directed questions (Why? You did?)
l May include some action
Humor
l Joking and good natured teasing: Jokes and teasing that

both partners think are funny enough to laugh at.
l Giggling and private jokes: Though elusive to outside

observers, something is going on that both partners
think is entirely funny.
l Wit: Here, there is a mutual recognition of absurdity

that causes laughter. It is a sort of a “we-against-other”
thing where the partners are laughing at someone or
something else’s behavior or nature. Think of it as a
shared deviance.
l Adding humorous comments: When a partner responds

with a humorous comment, it is also coded as Attentive
Humor.
4.4.4. Enthusiastic Response
With an Enthusiastic Response, the partner is eager to

answer the bid. It is characterized by high energy, good eye
contact, and lots of back channels.
The difficulty with the Enthusiastic Response is that it is

based on energy. One partner may have a multiple-sentence
response with no energy and little effort. Another partner,
however, may only say one sentence, but it’s given with
great excitement.
Criteria
High Energy with at least one sentence as a response.
4-12
Humor
To be Enthusiastic Humor, the response must be full

laughter.
Fun and Exaggeration: Here, the two partners are

thoroughly enjoying themselves and are actively trying to
make each other laugh by using exaggerated, animated, or
imitative behavior. There is more energy and often a deep
laughter behind this.
4.4.5. Playful Response
A Playful response, like the Playful Bid, is full of fun and

good spirits. It often involves some physical sparring with
good-natured jesting.
Examples
Partner 1: Throws a napkin at his partner.

Partner 2: She immediately throws it back.
Partner 1: “Hey, Watch it!” They both laugh.
Criteria
Playful is distinguished from Enthusiastic Humor by the

physical involvement.
Both partners must think it is funny but it doesn’t need to

be hilarious.
4.5. Turning Against Response

The Turning Against Response is defined as any
NEGATIVE Towards Response. With the Turning Against
code, we will be using the same criteria as for the Negative
Bid.
All negative responses will be coded together under

Turning Against. It is based on the SPAFF criteria for
negative codes. The following explanations are from the
Apartment Lab SPAFF manual.
4-13
4.5.1. Contempt
Contempt is the attempt to insult or otherwise communicate
a lack of respect towards one’s partner. Its expression is
considered to be very powerful. There is a distance with
contempt, an icy quality with a suggestion of superiority, as
if looking down one’s nose at one’s partner.
4.5.2. Belligerence
The belligerent person disagrees with or contests whatever

her partner is saying, seemingly regardless of content. This
person appears to be provoking a response in the partner,
as if trying to start a fight. She or he may present the
partner with a challenge or appear to delight in the partner’s
discomfort. It includes Taunting Questions, Unreciprocated
Humor, and Interpersonal Terrorism and Dare.
4.5.3. Domineering
The goal of the domineering individual is to control his

or her partner. This person will attempt to control the
conversation by attempting to force compliance, getting
his or her partner to withdraw, retreat, or submit. It has the
flavor of a parental interaction.
4.5.4. Criticism
Criticism involves attacking someone’s personality or

character, rather than a specific behavior, and is often
coupled with blame. Criticism is very different from
complaining. A complaint is a specific statement of anger,
distress, displeasure, or other negativity. Criticism is much
less specific. It includes Blaming, Character Attacks,
Kitchen Sinking, and Betrayal Statements.
4.5.5. Defensiveness
People who are behaving defensively are effectively saying

that they are not at fault, that they are blameless regarding
whatever their partners may be upset about. If their partners
are upset with them, they are the innocent victims of
misplaced blame, and so on.
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Considerations
A Turning Against Response takes precedence over all

other responses.
4.6. Turning Away Response

4.6.1. Preoccupied Away
Often a partner is engaged in an activity when his partner

speaks to him. Regardless of whether or not the spouse
heard the bid, we’re coding this as a Preoccupied Away
Examples
Watching TV
Reading
Trying to figure out the Apartment Lab VCR (!)
4.6.2. Interrupt Away
An Interrupt Away occurs when one partner begins a bid

and the spouse breaks in with a nonrelated bid of his or her
own. The initial bid is ignored as if it never began
When there is an Interrupt Away, it is important to code as

Away and a new Bid for the same interaction. Often the
other partner will stop her or his bid to answer the new bid.
Example
Partner 1: Honey, did you see—

Partner 2: Where are the pans around here?
Exclusions
If both partners start a bid at the same moment, whoever

wins the floor is the bidder. This is not considered an
Interrupt Away.
Finishing a sentence for a partner is not considered an

interruption.
4.6.3. Disregard Away
This code is characterized by a complete lack of response

to the bid as if it never occurred. No change in behavior, no
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response.
In the Apartment Lab, it is rare that partners are doing

nothing when they Disregard the bid. We can distinguish
this from a Preoccupied code, however, by the excessive
attention to something minor.
In this study, Stonewalling is coded as an Away behavior,

so do not code it as a Turning-Against Response.
Examples
One partner plays with her hair, after her partner

makes a bid.
One partner takes his plate to the sink.
One partner plays with her fingers.
4.7. Embedded Codes

There are certain codes that seem to occur at every level of
the Bids and Responses. Humor, for example, can be shared
with a simple look and a smirk or with a funny story. These
interactions can appear with multiple levels of response, so
we decided to Embed them among the other codes.
Embedded Codes do not take precedence over the Bids

and Responses, but are intended to further describe the
interaction.
4.7.1. Affection
From the Apartment Lab SPAFF Manual: This is a direct

expression of caring. The voice sometimes slows, with a
drop in amplitude, yet even then there remains a definite
intensity or energy in its expression.
Attributes
Tenderness and Closeness: Reminiscing, sharing a

moment that brings them close together. There is often a
sort of warm, dreamy quality to this kind of interaction.
The affectionate partner appears peaceful, mellow, and
contented and friendly.
Loving and Caring Statements: Statements such as, “I love

you” and “I care about you.”
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Compliments: Statements that communicate pride in one’s

partner.
Empathy: Mirroring a partner’s feelings. Not necessarily

verbal (partner makes a sad face, then you mirror a sad
face back…), this sort of mirroring lets people know that
their feelings are understood and shared. This is more than
validation, it is validation coupled with affect that mirrors
that of the partner.
Common Cause: This is perhaps a less intuitive form of

affection. Here one spouse expresses anger (perhaps even
contempt) for some third party, and the other spouse joins
in a sort of verbal mirroring. It needn’t be the sharing of
negative thoughts or feelings: positive things can be shared
too!
Examples
Partner 2: I finally finished that card I was making for my

parent’s anniversary.
Partner 1: (looking at it) Wow! That’s fantastic! I love
your artwork.
Partner 1: (sigh)…and so then Dad told me he wished I’d
been more like my brother (sad face).
Partner 2: (sad face) Ouch. That sounds like it hurt.
(Empathy)
Partner 2: Can you believe the way they treated us? What
jerks!
Partner 1: No kidding! What a couple of creeps!
(Common Cause)
Partner 1: Remember that big sand castle we made at the
beach?
Partner 2: (warm smile) Yep. I couldn’t believe how cute
you were, diggin’ around in the sand all day.
(Closeness/compliment)
4.7.2. Gender
For both the Bid and the Response, it is important to

identify who is interacting at what. Even though we know
that a wife must be the responder if the husband made the
bid, we need to write H for the bid and W for the response.
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Because this coding is done by hand, we will need to be

able to count the husband and wife interactions separately.
4.7.3. Humor
Humor has been detailed under each of the necessary

codes, but the general criteria for Humor is taken from the
SPAFF Manual.
Moments of shared laughter that aren’t tense: The laughter

here is characterized by an underlying feeling of shared
happiness. Though generally considered shared, low-level
humor can be coded when one individual is laughing while
not being tense, belligerent, or contemptuous.
4.7.4. Shared Moment
Shared Moment is a look towards the bidder BEFORE

responding to the bid. It is a subtle look that acts as an
intermediary response to the bid and seems to positively
reference the responder to the bidder.
Perhaps the best way to demonstrate the Bidder

Referencing is by comparing it with a normal response.
Examples
Low Level Response
Partner 2: “That’s a huge boat!”

Partner 1: Looks out the window and remarks, Yeah”
Low Level Response with Bidder Referencing
Partner 2: “Oh!” (regarding the TV)

Partner 1: Looks at his wife, then looks at the TV and
says, “Yeah!”
Reference
Gottman, John M., Coan, James A., McCoy, Kim, and

Collier, Holly. Apartment Lab SPAFF Manual.
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5-1
5. Couples Assessment Overview

5.1. Format of the Couples Assessment: Session 1: Conjoint
1½ Hours
During the first session of the assessment, several tasks
must be accomplished. First, you need to elicit from the
couple their narrative explanation of why they’re coming
to therapy, how they view their problem, and what their
goals are. A series of gentle questions can initiate this
discussion—e.g., “What bring you here today?” Out of the
80 minutes or so of your session, this discussion should
only take about 15–20 minutes. Then, you should conduct
an informal oral history interview (detailed later) lasting
about 30 minutes. Finally, the couple should be asked to
discuss a problem with one another for 10 minutes while
you sit back and watch like a “fly on the wall.” The purpose
of this piece is to get an idea of how the couple processes
conflict. The session can then be closed with a scheduling
of individual sessions for each partner with you, a handing
out of the questionnaires, and a request made to fill these
out and bring them to you when they meet with you
individually.
In summary, the first session of assessment

should include:
The Narrative
Elicit the couples narrative of their situation as they

understand it, their history of their current situation and
dilemma, and their hopes for therapy. The couple needs
to tell their own story of their relationship dilemma and
its history, and they need to present their theory of what
the problems are in their relationship. This seems to
be an essential need of all couples coming for therapy.
During this process, it is important that the therapist listen
fairly and nonjudgmentally to both partners, periodically
summarize what is heard (and ask if there is anything else
still missing from this summary), and form therapeutic
alliances with both people.
The best published source that describes this process

is Jerry Lewis’s (1997) book Marriage as a Search for
Healing. For example, Lewis describes a couple in which
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the husband, a physician, has just retired. This is a couple

in the empty-nest stage of development. However, they
are having major problems with closeness. The husband
feels that his wife is not there for him emotionally, and
he needs her. There is a long history to this issue in this
relationship. The husband was often very involved with his
career and not available to the wife during the relationship.
This was especially true during the traumatic period when
they were dealing with the suicide of their daughter. In
many ways, the relationship never got past this trauma.
Lewis frequently empathetically summarizes the unfolding
narratives, establishing a therapeutic liaison with the pain
of both spouses. His goal is also to help them see that each
subjective reality has validity.
Oral History Interview
In the context of discussion, conduct an interview for

about one-half hour that is an abbreviated version of
the Oral History Interview. Ask about the history of the
relationship, how the couple views this history, and their
philosophy of relationships.
We began developing this interview in 1980 and

quantifying it in 1990. The idea of some of the questions
for such an interview date back to the Jackson and Satir
days in Palo Alto. This interview is a lot of fun for most
couples (not all) to do. It usually generates a lot of good
feelings between the two partners, and it also permits an
assessment of strengths as well as problem areas in the
relationship.
The most important dimensions to get from the Oral

History Interview are Love Maps (Cognitive Room for
partner and relationship), the Fondness and Admiration
System, and Turning Towards, Bids, and the Emotional
Bank Account.
Major Dimensions Tapped by the Oral History Interview
• Cognitive Room, or what we call “Love Maps”

• Fondness and Admiration System
• We-ness (what is the common ground in the
relationship?)
• Negativity
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• Disappointment
• Chaos: A sense that the couple has little control over
events
• Their philosophy on relationships, especially
“Glorifying the Struggle,” or “Couple Efficacy”
• What the couple thinks is a good time, how they get
over hard times, the parental relationship systems, their
own creation of the relationship culture
• Shared or unshared Meta-Emotion structure around
anger, sadness, fear, pride, and shame
• The couple’s transition to parenthood, parental agendas
with each child, emotion-coaching or emotion-
dismissing philosophy, and parenting issues
• Can also get at gender stereotypy, relationships with
parents, and their philosophy with respect to conflict
avoidance or engagement
Evaluating Turning Towards
Observe how partners respond to each other’s bids during

both the narrative and the Oral History Interview. Do they
turn towards each other, or away from or against each
other?
Relationship Conflict Discussion
Then videotape the couple talking about a current

disagreement or problem for 10 minutes. Have them talk
to one another, trying to come to a mutually satisfying
resolution of their problem while you observe. Do not show
them the videotape. Only use it for your own assessment
information.
If you have questions about their interaction at home, give

the couple a microcassette recorder to take home and talk
about another area of continuing disagreement or ask them
to record a reunion conversation at the end of the day in
which they talk about how their days went.
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Closing the First Session
Give each of them a questionnaire packet to take home, fill

out privately, and bring to their next individual session. The
questionnaire packet always contains the following:
• Locke-Wallace Relationship Adjustment Test

• Weiss-Cerretto Relationship Status Inventory
• Sound Relationship House (SRH) Questionnaires
• Gottman 19 Areas Checklist for Solvable and Perpetual
Problems
• The Three “Detour” Scales
• Gottman Emotional Abuse Questionnaire (EAQ)
• Control, Fear, Suicide Potential and Acts of Physical
Aggression Questionnaire
• SCL-90
• CAGE AID and b-MAST
Finally, schedule two individual sessions, each lasting
3/4 hour.
5.2. Session 2: Individual Meetings

The therapist next meets with each partner. The 80-minute
session time can be divided into two parts, half for each
partner, or the half-sessions can be scheduled at totally
different times. The individual sessions are used to build
more trust and learn more about each partner’s perspective,
family –of-origin , history, and possible co-morbidities.
5.3. Session 3: Conjoint Treatment Planning

The third session is devoted to reviewing your assessment
findings with the couple, and together, arriving at treatment
goals.
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6. How to Conduct an Oral History Interview

6.1. The Spirit of the Oral History Interview
If you have never had the chance to hear Studs Terkel
do a radio interview, you have missed the inspiration for
our developing the Oral History Interview. You may wish
to read one of his many books in which people tell their
stories. Now, Terkel is trying to create radio shows, so he
wants to structure the interview so that he can edit himself
out of it, so that what the interviewee says seems like a long
monologue. The results of this approach he developed are
amazing because people really wax poetic, and often their
words are real stream-of-consciousness.
Terkel did a show with an old woman who was going

through her attic. She started telling him about all the things
stored there, and he asked her about one china doll. “Oh,”
she said, “that was a gift from the only man I ever loved.
We were to be married, and on the wedding day he was
killed in a crash.” Terkel was very sympathetic. He asked
her to tell him the story of this man and her feelings for
him. He took a long time to get to the fact that she was a
grandmother who had married and raised five children.
Here was a memory of her only true love. Terkel brought
all this out, and both he and she were in tears at the end
of the story. Then they kept moving through the attic:
baby clothes, pram, her daughter’s confirmation dress, a
man’s straw hat. A lot of interviews are like going through
someone’s photo album or attic with them with the therapist
trying to learn all about who Uncle Oscar was, the annual
family reunion to Iowa City, and so on.
Unlike what clinical interviewers are trained to do, Terkel

never interrupts, while a person is talking, with the usual
backchannels (uh-huh, I see, etc.). He stays quiet until the
person is done for a stretch of time, and then, puffing on
his cigar, he talks a whole bunch (“That’s absolutely
fantastic! You mean you haven’t been up into this attic
to have a look around in 35 years? My God! What’s
this thing? Looks like a doll or something? Was it a
gift? Where’d you get it?”). The result of this process is
amazing. People go off into long stream-of-consciousness
monologues, filled with images, metaphors, reminiscences,
and so on.
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Terkel is obviously a gifted interviewer. Not everyone can

be Studs Terkel. However, the spirit of the Oral History
Interview is to try to be like Terkel. Fortunately, most
couples love talking about how they met, what drew them
together, the epochs of their relationship, etc. All but
the most unhappy of relationships wind up feeling more
connected to one another, a little on the glowing, romantic
side, after one of these interviews. So the therapist has this
in his or her favor.
6.2. The Actual Content of the Interview

The interview is a semi-structured interview, which means
that, while the therapist covers some of the more pertinent
questions, they can be given in any order whatsoever. The
important thing is to follow naturally where the person is
going. The therapist should not ask the questions in rapid-
fire sequence, as if the questions were woodenly read from
a clipboard. They should appear very natural.
Remember, the couple is helping you to paint a portrait of
their relationship. It is your job to follow along, to try to
understand, to understand emotionally what every phase of
their relationship was like, and to draw out this emotional
information from them. Here are some rules to follow:
Try to memorize the more important questions.
Don’t assume you understand.
For example, suppose a woman tells you that there was
a year during courtship when she was still in high
school in the rural town they grew up in and he was in
college; she visited him twice during that year. So, ask
yourself, what was this like for him? Was he
embarrassed by her visits? Was he sorry he was still
dating a high-school girl? Or was he proud of her?
Was he sad and lonely when he was away from her
and excited to see her? Had he met someone else in the
meantime, was this a period of great growth for him but not
for her? What was it like for her? Was she scared? There
are many, many possibilities about what this year apart
may have been like for each of them emotionally. Find out
which one is the case and, if there were conflicts, how they
dealt with them, if there were joys, what these were, and so
on. Don’t assume you already know—find out.
Your job is not to get the facts, but to get the inside
6-3
emotional picture of each of the major epochs of their

relationship.
Find the key that opens each person up.
In one of our couples, I recall that a husband was very shy
and uncomfortable. The research interviewer asked him
about his work, and he said, “I sell seeds. That’s it. Nothing
fancy. I sell seeds.” The interviewer was stumped about
what to do when this man fell into silence, so later she
came back to him. She said, “Can you give me more of an
idea of your job? Do you just wait for a farmer to order?
Do you visit him?” He said, “No, I travel around, I visit
them.” She said, “Do you recommend the same thing for
everyone?” “Oh, no, I know my farmers, and I know what
they ought to plant each year. I make careful studies of
it.” She said, in an act of inspiration, “Then you’re kind of
like a teacher, aren’t you?” “You’re darn right I am. Look,
let me tell you a story of this one farmer who listened to
me every year, and his stubborn neighbor Mr. Know-It-
All.” And that man was off and running. He had become
expansive because she had found the key in getting him to
talk.
Your interest must be genuine.
This is not easy, and the principle is You have to be
genuinely interested in the people you are
interviewing. If your interest is fake, if you have to
pretend to be interested, the interview will be dull and
lifeless. There is no substitute for genuine curiosity.
You must be nonjudgmental.
You don’t have to be in this relationship, you just have to
find out what it’s like.
Realize that they are the experts about this relationship.
Their ideas about what a good time is, their ideas about
hard times, their expectations about the relationship, their
views of their parents’ relationships, their relationships with
their parents, how this all relates to them, their ideas on
conflict, etc. They know all about it and are the experts. Let
them teach you how they see things.
If you get to an interesting place in an interview, try
saying, “Tell me the story of that.”
6-4
You’re trying to get people to tell you their stories. Use

probe questions if you don’t follow what they are telling
you or if you want them to expand on something.
6.3. Things to Notice

We-ness
You will find some couples who emphasize “we-ness” in
these interviews, while some couples do not. Sometimes
one person will be talking in terms of “we” while the other
is emphasizing separateness and difference.
Glorifying the Struggle
Some couples will express the philosophy that a
relationship is hard, that it is a struggle, but that it is worth
it.
Gender Differences
See if you can identify differences between partners that
relate to gender differences in emotional expression,
responsiveness, and role.
Conflict-Avoiding versus Conflict-Engaging Couples
Some couples minimize the emotional side of their
interaction, either positive or negative affect. They
tend to avoid disagreements and tend to speak about
the events of the day in terms of errands rather than
feelings. Self-disclosure is minimized. Their roles tend to
be fairly stereotyped and prescribed by cultural norms.
6.4. Oral History Questions

What follows is the complete list of questions for the
Oral History Interview (OHI). When the OHI is used for
clinical purposes, only pertinent questions need to be asked.
However, the following list gives an idea of how all the
questions can be asked. Be sure to always include the ones
regarding the beginning of the relationship, (Questions 1
and 2), the transition into a committed relationship (if there
was one, Question 3), and the transition into parenthood (if
the couple has had children, Question 5). Later important
transitions (such as into retirement) should be queried if
they seem relevant for the couple.
A summary sheet for the Oral History Interview is included

in this section for your convenience.
6-5
6.4.1. Part 1: History of the Relationship
Question 1. Why don’t we start from the very beginning.

Let’s discuss how the two of you met and got together. Do
you remember the time you met for the first time? Tell me
about it. Was there anything about your partner that made
her or him stand out? What were your first impressions of
each other?
Question 2. When you think back to the time you were
dating, before you got married (or committed to each
other), what do you remember? What stands out? How long
did you know each other before your commitment? What
do you remember of this period? What were some of the
highlights? Some of the tensions? What types of things did
you do together?
Question 3. Tell me about how the two of you decided to
get married or to commit to each other. Of all the people in
the world, what led you to decide that this was the person
you wanted to be with? Was it an easy decision? Was it a
difficult decision? Were you ever in love? Tell me about
this time.
Question 4. Do you remember your wedding or
commitment ceremony? Tell me about it. Did you have a
honeymoon? What do you remember about it?
Question 5. When you think back to the first year you were
married (or living together), what do you remember? Were
there any adjustments to being married (or living together)?
Question 6. What about the transition to becoming parents?
Tell me about this period of you relationship. What was it
like for the two of you?
Question 7. Looking back over the years, what moments
stand out as the really good times in your relationship?
What were the really happy times? What is a good time for
you as a couple? Has this changed over the years?
Question 8. Many of the couples we’ve talked to say that
their relationships go through periods of ups and downs.
Would you say that this is true of your relationship?
Question 9. Looking back over the years, what moments
stand out as the really hard times in your relationship? Why
do you think you stayed together? How did you get through
these difficult times? What is your philosophy about how to
get through difficult times?
6-6
Question 10. How would you say your relationship is

different from when you first got married or committed
to each other? (Lots of people have losses here; they have
stopped doing things that once gave them pleasure. Explore
these with the couple.)
6.4.2. Part 2. Their Philosophy of their Relationship
Question 11. I’m interested in your ideas about what makes

a relationship work. Tell me about why you think some
relationships work while others don’t. Think of a couple
you know that has a particularly good relationship and
one that you know who has a particularly bad relationship.
Decide together which two couples these are. What is
different about these two relationships? How would you
compare your own relationship to each of these couples?
Question 12. Tell me about your parents’ relationship.
(Ask each partner.) What was/is their relationship like?
Would you say it’s very similar or different from your own
relationship?
Question 13. Tell me what you currently know about your
partner’s major worries, stresses, hopes and aspirations.
How do you stay in touch with one another on a daily
basis? What are your routines for staying in emotional
contact?
6.5. Oral History Interview Benchmarks
Below is a list of criteria to help you deliver an effective

and successful Oral History Interview.
• Demonstrate respect and empathy for clients.
• Read and interpret your clients’ affect appropriately.
• Exhibit good rapport with clients.
• Ask appropriate Gottman Oral History questions and
stay on track with sensitivity to couple’s issues and
building rapport
• Conduct the interview with appropriate timing.
• Conduct the interview with sensitivity to issues of
co-morbidity.
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Client ID#: Date:
Oral History Interview Summary Sheet
1. Meeting. Why don’t we start from the very beginning. Let’s discuss how the two of you met and got
together. Do you remember the time you met for the first time? Tell me about it. Was there anything about
your partner that made her or him stand out? What were your first impressions of each other?
2. Dating. When you think back to the time you were dating, before you got married (or committed to
each other), what do you remember? What stands out? How long did you know each other before your
commitment? What do you remember of this period? What were some of the highlights? Some of the
tensions? What types of things did you do together?
3. Decision to Marry or Commit. Tell me about how the two of you decided to get married or to commit
to each other. Of all the people in the world, what led you to decide that this was the person you wanted
to be with? Was it an easy decision? Was it a difficult decision? Were you ever in love? Tell me about this
time.
4. Wedding and Honeymoon. Do you remember your wedding or commitment ceremony? Tell me about
it. Did you have a honeymoon? What do you remember about it?
5. First Year Adjustments. When you think back to the first year you were married (or living together),
what do you remember? Were there any adjustments to that?
6. Adjustments to Parenthood. What about the transition to becoming parents? Tell me about this period
of you relationship. What was it like for the two of you?
7. Good Times. Looking back over the years, what moments stand out as the really good times in your
relationship? What were the really happy times? What is a good time for you as a couple? Has this changed
over the years?
6-8
Client ID#: Date:
8. Relationship Ups and Downs. Many of the couples we’ve talked to say that their relationships go
through periods of ups and downs. Would you say that this is true of yours?
9. Hard Times. Looking back over the years, what moments stand out as the really hard times in your
relationship? Why do you think you stayed together? How did you get through these difficult times? What
is your philosophy about how to get through difficult times?
10. Relationship Changes Over Time. How would you say your relationship is different from when you
first got married or committed to each other? (Lots of people have losses here; they have stopped doing
things that once gave them pleasure. Explore these with the couple.)
11. Good and Bad Relationships. I’m interested in ideas about what makes a relationship work. Why do
you think some relationships work while others don’t? Think of a couple you know that has a particularly
good relationship and one that you know who has a particularly bad one. (Let them decide together which
two couples these are). What is different about these two relationships? How would you compare your
own relationship to each of these couples?
12. Parents’ Relationship. Tell me about your parents’ relationship. (Ask each partner.) What was/is their
relationship like? Would you say it’s very similar or different from your own relationship?
13. Love Maps and Rituals of Connection. Tell me what you currently know about your partner’s major
worries, stresses, hopes and aspirations. How do you stay in touch with one another on a daily basis? What
are your routines for staying in emotional contact?
6-9
Group Role Play: Oral History Interview
Michael Trudi
• Runs a computer hardware business • Stay at home mom; daughter was having
• Works really hard in his job and with the problems
projects at home • Depressed; hasn’t felt like having sex in a
• Feels that Trudi isn’t pitching in or doing long time
much to help • Was raped in college; suspects depression
• Feels that Trudi is using the rape as an is related to the rape
excuse • Feels that Michael doesn’t want to listen to
• Feels responsible for maintaining their or hear about her problems
lifestyle
Oral History:
• Met while volunteering for the Peace Corps in Africa.
• He was shy, but she was really impressed with the work he was doing. She was outgoing,
flirty, pretty, intelligent and stood out from the crowd.
• Travelled to Southeast Asia and South America, had a great adventure. She was the
“dreamer” and he was the “can-do” person who made their plans a reality.
• As they settled down and started a family, they both liked it at first but now she feels lost in
it or bored. When he comes home from work, they don’t connect.
• She has the same feelings from her rape when Michael wants to have sex, but when she
tries to talk about it, he shuts down.
Conflict Discussion:
Trudi suspects that her depression is related to the rape. She feels lonely and misses Michael.
He spends a lot of time away from home. He feels responsible for managing family projects and
funding their kids’ activities. He feels like he’s working really hard between his business and the
projects at home. Neither feels heard.
Below is a list of criteria to help you deliver an effective and successful Oral History
Interview.
• Demonstrate respect and empathy for clients.
• Read and interpret your clients’ affect appropriately.
• Exhibit good rapport with clients.
• Ask appropriate Gottman Oral History questions and stay on track with
sensitivity to couple’s issues and building rapport
• Conduct the interview with appropriate timing.
• Conduct the interview with sensitivity to issues of co-morbidity.
6-10
6-11
6.6. Oral History Coding Notes

The following is a system of scoring the Oral History Interview (OHI) that we have used
in our research. It gives the general idea of what qualities are evaluated and how to score
them for each partner or the couple. When the OHI is used clinically, it’s not necessary
to do this exact scoring. However, we include it here to demonstrate how to evaluate the
OHI information your couple gives you.
Fondness and Affection

Positive affect (warmth, humor)
Emphasizes good times over bad
Compliments or is proud of spouse
low high
Partner 1 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Partner 2 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Comments:
Negativity Toward Partner

Negative affect (anger, contempt)
Unfavorable and/or vague first impression
Cynical, sarcastic, critical, disapproving
low high
Partner 1 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Partner 2 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Comments:
We-ness versus Separateness

Emphasizes good communication
Emphasizes unity and togetherness
Emphasizes same beliefs, values, goals
low high
Partner 1 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Partner 2 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Comments:
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Expansiveness versus Withdrawal

Describes memories vividly and distinctly
Positive and energetic during interview
Self-discloses during interview
low high
Partner 1 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Partner 2 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Comments:
Chaotic Relationships
Struggles for relationship to survive
Unexpected conflict, they argue or fight
Major, unpleasant life circumstances
low high
Couple 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Comments:
Glorifying the Struggle

Have survived difficult times
Emphasizes commitment
Proud of their relationship
low high
Couple 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Comments:
Relationship Disappointment or Disillusion

The relationship isn’t what they thought it would be
Depressed, hopeless, or bitter about their relationship
Does not advocate the relationship; people should wait
low high
Partner 1 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Partner 2 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Comments:
7-1
7. Evaluating Conflict Management and Repairs

7.1. Setting Up the Conflict Discussion
How the conflict discussion is set up is very important.
The issue needs to be a real issue (area of continuing
disagreement) for both people. (In the early days of marital
interaction research, tasks were used that generated conflict
for distressed couples, but nondistressed couples just
laughed at the experimental procedures and never engaged
in any conflict. Because of this problem, differences
between the two types of couples were not differences in
how they went about resolving conflict, but an artifact of
the methodology used).
Set up a grounded and very specific conflict conversation.

In research, the conflict discussion is set up after both
people have individually filled out the Gottman Areas of
Disagreement (located Supplemental Assessments), they
have selected a few issues to talk about in more depth with
the therapist. Next, videotape the conflict discussion for
10 minutes. Attach biofeedback units to the couple during
this discussion. In his office, Dr. John Gottman uses two
pulse oximeters, which are also finger units and give heart
rate and percentage oxygen in the blood. Get a reading
from the biofeedback units before they start talking (this
gives you an index of their bodies’ anticipation of how
the conversation is going to go). Get a reading during and
after the conversation. Sit behind the video camera on a
chair, monitoring the audio and video quality, and take a
few notes about strengths and weaknesses you see in their
interaction. For 10 minutes, at least, say nothing. You may
let the tape run for longer than 10 minutes if you think it
will be interesting. You don’t want to prematurely cut off
something interesting.
Ask how typical that interaction was. Many couples say

that they never get that long to talk about the issue; others
say that it is typical, and they have been over the same
ground many times. This videotaped interaction is usually
very revealing, particularly of strengths and disaster
scenarios.
In our clinical assessment, it is not necessary for the couple

to fill out the Disagreement Form unless the couples can’t
7-2
think of any problem to discuss. In most cases, you can say

the following to the couple:
To help me understand how the two of you manage conflict,

I’d like you to please discuss a problem for 10 minutes.
I’m not going to intervene. Instead, I’m going to just watch
for now. This way I can get an idea of how you talk over
problems at home. It might not look exactly the same as at
home. That’s OK. I can get the basic idea. The problem can
be anything you like. What would you like to discuss? OK—
go ahead now. Just pretend I’m not here.
Afterwards, thank the couple for allowing you to watch,

and tell them that, during the therapy, you’ll work on
making conflict management more comfortable and
effective for them (if they struggled here).
Getting conflict avoiders to conflict. The way to get conflict

avoiders to engage in conflict that is fairly typical of
what they normally do is to ask them about an upcoming
potentially stressful event in their lives. Then, the
discussion task is as follows:
Given the differences in your two personalities, how can

you set things up so that your stresses during this event will
be minimized?
This question works because it is ecologically valid. It

plays into the very best philosophy of the conflict-avoiding
couple in minimizing conflict and stress. They naturally
talk about things in this way, especially about how they can
minimize conflict given the differences between them. The
therapist should ask some more probing questions to ensure
that a good event has been found.
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7.2. Observing Conflict Management

Observe while the couple discusses a conflict, and watch
for the following components of the couple’s ability to
manage conflict:
The Four Horsemen

Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt
Stonewalling
Emotional Disengagement
Startup (Gentle and Harsh)
Repair (Effective and Ineffective) (see section on
Repair)
Accepting and Rejecting Influence
Compromise
Gridlock
7.3. Symbolic Conflict

People usually become gridlocked on issues that have some
type of symbolic value to them. For example, if the issue
being raised is about the family’s budget, it has symbolic
value if one person is being accused (or thinks he or she is
being accused) of being a spendthrift or a poor provider.
This conflict gets enhanced when the symbolic value is
central to the person’s self-concept. Family discipline of
children then gets converted to “You’re a bad father,” even
if that message isn’t directly expressed in the words used.
The symbolic value of a statement determines the amount
of threat that it carries for the listener. Symbolic threat lies
in the listener’s mind, and it may also be in the message
expressed.
Another form of symbolic conflict concerns aspects of

the relationship rather than the individual. These kinds of
symbolic conflicts are called “hidden dreams.” A hidden
dream is an issue that is underneath the discussion the
couple is having in the sense that it is more fundamental.
We’d like to teach you to recognize a hidden dream,
because if a hidden dream exists, it can be a key to figuring
out the affect and the changes in affect that you see.
7-4
In the discussion of a problem, one way (not the only way)

of detecting a hidden dream agenda is that the discussion
seems to keep cycling back repeatedly over old ground and
not moving forward to a resolution. This suggests that the
hidden dreams have been allowed to go on undiscussed for
several days, weeks, or even years, and so they continue to
pop up in problem-solving discussions and steer the couple
away from effective problem-solving solutions. The couple
then spins their wheels and seems unable to arrive at a
compromise solution to the problem under discussion; or,
if they negotiate a solution, it tends not to be implemented.
This is called Relationship Gridlock. Consider the
following dialogue in which the problem being discussed
is the equitable distribution of the household chores. There
are notes in this example that explain how a hidden dream
operates. You will notice that an agenda can be expressed
and still remain hidden if it is not fully discussed (meaning
that there is an acceptance of the underlying emotions).
When a couple has a hidden dream you will rarely see that
kind of discussion.
Partner 1: What do you feel about the house?

Partner 2: What do you mean, what do I feel?
Partner 1: What do you feel? These possessions; a lot of
these possessions are important to you.
Partner 2: Not a lot of them.
Partner 1: Some of them.
Partner 2: Very few.
Partner 1: A few of them then.
Partner 2: Having a home is important to me, but our
issue is housekeeping.
Partner 1: Hummm.
Partner 2: I really do know that you’re doing more than
you should of the housework, and I did read
that article.
Partner 1: Which one?
Partner 2: On a couple that worked out a sharing basis for
housekeeping; they split the chores down the
middle.
7-5
Partner 1: That seems fair. Fifty-fifty.

Partner 2: Yeah.
It seems at this point that the couple may be close to a
solution. The next line is typical of conversations that have
a hidden dream. Instead of moving to an agreement, they
begin to recycle back through the issue, as if something
has been left behind. And something has indeed been left
behind—the feelings that surround the hidden dream.
Partner 1: I’d still like to know more of your feelings,

though. You know, I don’t know . . . I do the
work and you act like it’s your responsibility.
He is dissatisfied. He still has some issue or dream that is
unresolved.
Partner 2: (sighs) What are we talking about right now?

Partner 1: Your feelings of responsibility, demarcating
what you’re responsible for and what you
aren’t responsible for. You act as if somehow
you are in charge, even when I’m doing things.
Partner 2: This is a sidetrack, Ted.
Partner 1: No it is not. Because when I was cooking the
liver . . .
Partner 2: That has nothing to do . . .
Partner 1: It does. I was cooking the liver, and you acted
like it was still your responsibility, telling me
how to cook it.
He wants to have the authority to do tasks his way, without
any interference from his partner.
Partner 2: Ted, this is a different issue.

Partner 1: It is not because you see my goal is to drop the
house as soon as possible.
Partner 2: But that will never happen in this relationship.
Partner 1: Ha ha ha ha ha. You want to go over that
again?
Partner 2: Yeah. Because, Ted, I am equal to you.
Partner 1: Good for you. (sarcastic)
This is her issue. She feels that she is not being treated by
7-6
Ted as an equal. Now let’s see if they give each other’s

issue a fair hearing.
Partner 2: And while I agree and know and feel bad about
the fact that you are doing much more than
your share, I don’t want to live in a messy
house.
Partner 1: Honey, I’m speaking from experience. I’ve
had you nag at me about how to do something.
That is the real issue.
Partner 2: It can’t be “my house” that you’ll help with.
Partner 1: What’s distasteful to you is the bad parts of the
house. The good parts you like. Do you feel
bad about not doing it?
He thinks it is “her house” because she insists on her
standards even when he is doing the housework. He thinks
if things have to be done by her standards, then she should
do the housework.
Partner 2: Yes I do.

Partner 1: Then why don’t you do it?
Partner 2: I can’t. You don’t understand that, do you? You
never have understood that. You never will.
Partner 1: No, I don’t. I have no intention of spending my
life puttering around the house.
This is indeed a complicated tangle of issues. It seems that
another issue of his is that he would like to see an end in
sight to his doing the housework. She, on the other hand,
wants him to recognize how serious she is in wanting him
to help.
Partner 2: If you have no intention of doing half of the

work, who is going to do it? Who do you
expect to do it?
Partner 1: (coughs) Beats me.
Partner 2: Want to try again?
Partner 1: Yeah. A maid.
Partner 2: A maid?
Partner 1: Yes, then I can quit it all. You and the maid can
do it then. You can work it out with the maid.
7-7
Partner 2: And what happens if you can’t afford a maid,

Ted?
Partner 1: Then I’ll do half of it. It’s as simple as that; but
as soon as I can, I’m gonna not do it.
Partner 2: Then you have a goal in mind, don’t you?
Partner 1: That’s exactly right; I have a goal in mind. I’m
only going to pay for 50% of a maid. You can,
you can do whatever you want with your 50%.
I don’t care. I’ll help you. You’re working,
you’ve got a career. I’ll help in part.
This won’t do for her. She doesn’t want him helping “her.”
It is symbolic to her that they both have ownership of the
housework, even though she does none of it.
Partner 2: That’s not what I want, Ted; I don’t want you

to help me in “my chores,” because I’m telling
you that the role of woman is . .
Partner 1: I don’t give a damn about your role.
Partner 2: . . . is going to have to stop right here.
Partner 1: I don’t care.
Partner 2: Are you going to accept that?
Partner 1: Accept what? Accept what? I don’t care about
you and your role. You figure that out. You
take care of it. Listen, I told you I’d do half,
without loading it on you. It seems to me that
I’m taking care of your role right there; I’m
paying attention to your role.
Partner 2: Do you see it as something of us?
Partner 1: What? No, I don’t see it as something of us. I
see it as something of the house.
His agenda of doing things his way has to do with wanting
to be an individual with separate authority. He sees her plea
for unity as a threat to this. She, on the other hand, sees the
plea for unity as a demand for equality and respect.
Partner 2: You see, Ted, when we got married, I didn’t

feel that I became a lesser person.
Partner 1: I don’t think you became a lesser person either.
To me it has nothing to do with role.
7-8
Partner 2: OK. OK. We both hate housework.

Partner 1: Yeah.
Partner 2: And we’re both working right?
Partner 1: Yeah, yeah.
Partner 2: Why should you say that you’re gonna help me
in the housework?
Partner 1: Because . . .
Partner 2: Why don’t we work together on the
housework?
Partner 1: . . . it’s your house and not mine.
Partner 2: It’s my house?
Partner 1: As far as I’m concerned it is. You were the one
who wanted pots and pans, and you were the
one who wanted . . .
Partner 2: And if I hadn’t wanted pots and pans, Ted, how
would you eat?
Partner 1: I don’t know. I don’t care.
Partner 2: When you’re cleaning, who are you helping?
Partner 1: I’m helping you.
Partner 2: You’re helping us.
Partner 1: Us!
Partner 2: We’re two people living together.
Partner 1: Yeah.
Partner 2: We’re an us.
Partner 1: Mmmm.
Partner 2: We’re not one person becoming stronger than
the other one, we’re two people—Us.
Partner 1: (disgusted) Us.
Partner 2: Coming together as equal people, giving to the
other person part of what we are, taking from
that person a part of what they are.
To him, it seems as if being an “us” means that he will
be swallowed up by the relationship without room for his
individuality or independence. To her it means being loved
and respected. This is the real impasse.
7-9
Partner 1: Mmmmm.
Partner 2: But always to be equal. Different in some
ways, but equal.
Partner 1: Well, I’ll pay for a maid just as any
husband pays for a maid, you know.
Partner 2: And if you can’t afford a maid, Ted, you will
work.
Partner 1: Well, I’ll do my part every day if you do your
part.
Partner 2: I’ll try.
At this point it seems as if the discussion may stop, but it
will not because the hidden agendas have not been dealt
with.
Partner 1: We still haven’t solved anything, you know.

Partner 2: Why haven’t we?
Partner 1: You want to have your career and be an equal,
and yet you want all the joys and none of the
work being “the little woman.”
Partner 2: What makes you say that? What examples can
you give?
Partner 1: Concerning the possessions in the house. I
mean you’re the one who reads Ladies Home
Journal and Family Circle and all that stuff, not
me.
Partner 2: In addition to other things. They’re not my
total reading.
Partner 1: They’re not even in my reading.
Partner 2: What does that mean, Ted?
Partner 1: I don’t know what it means.
Partner 2: Does it mean that because I have an interest
in having a home that looks pretty, because
I happen to love a piece of wood, a piece of
furniture, that I am somehow, what? Men love
furniture.
Partner 1: Good for them.
Partner 2: Maybe you don’t, but men love furniture.
Partner 1: Good for them.
7-10
Partner 2: Men love things in the house.

Partner 1: I’m glad they do.
Partner 2: Why should that somehow be some sign of
weakness in me because I do?
Partner 1: I don’t say it’s a weakness. I say if you’re
concerned about it, do something about it. But
don’t expect me to get all excited.
Partner 2: I don’t.
Partner 1: OK.
Partner 2: I don’t expect you to love an old chest like I
do.
Partner 1: OK.
Partner 2: And I don’t ever ask that from you.
Partner 1: Well, I’m willing, if you’re working, to help
out in the house. And you don’t like that
phrase.
Partner 2: As a part of our responsibility.
Partner 1: Yeah.
Partner 2: To help out in our house.
Partner 1: I will help.
Partner 2: But you’ll be helping us, not me.
Partner 1: Well, that’s what you say.
Partner 2: Just like I will help. I will help in the house,
Ted.
Partner 1: Your part is your part to do. You can use
whatever words you want to describe it. I’m
using the words that I’m gonna use.
Partner 2: OK. We’ll make it like fun.
Partner 1: But don’t tell me how to do what it is that I do.
There’s his hidden dream again. As he hears it, she will
now dictate not only how he will do the housework, but his
experience of it as well.
Partner 2: It will be like fun.

Partner 1: You can’t manufacture something like that. If
it’s fun, it’s fun; if not, it’s not.
7-11
Partner 2: And you can’t ever laugh.

Partner 1: I can laugh about so much and that’s all.
Shitty diaper after shitty diaper, and it’s not
fun. (pause) Does it feel to you like we’ve
accomplished anything?
Partner 2: What?
Partner 1: Does it feel to you like we’ve accomplished
anything?
Partner 2: Yeah. The last time we had this argument you
got very upset about the fact that I wanted to
be treated as an equal human being.
Partner 1: Oh ho, that’s unfair. All we’ve
accomplished—a word game.
Partner 2: That was unfair.
This couple was on the way towards developing a perfectly
good solution to a housework problem, but their hidden
dreams did not get dealt with. So they seemed to go around
and around, being unable to accomplish more than what
seems like just a word game. Notice how much emotion
(anger, sadness, contempt) is tied up with the words
themselves.
7.4. Repair - Definitions from the Research

Although the following definitions were used in the
research to code interactions, clinically it is not necessary
to code every repair type. These definitions are included
here to help you understand what repairs are so you can
observe repairs more easily.
7.4.1. Affection
Affection occurs when one partner compliments or admires

the other partner. Affection includes when one partner
praises a specific quality or trait in his or her partner
or praises something the partner has done (including
something he or she has said). Affection shows one
partner’s appreciation for the other, and it can include
loving statements.
Examples
You’re becoming a good communicator.
7-12
You’ve been better about picking up lately.

I like you.
7.4.2. Agreement
To code an Agreement, one partner has to do a 180° turn

on his or her own position based on the partner’s argument.
The Agreement Repair happens when one partner agrees
with the other only after having previously disagreed.
An agreement is only coded when one partner has been
effectively persuaded on a point.
Another type of agreement is one partner complains about

the other, and the other agrees.
Example (scenario)
Partner 1: I think we haven’t been able to spend time

together lately because you’ve been working
so much.
Partner 2: That’s not true. I don’t work anymore than I
usually do. (disagreement)
Partner 1: Well, you seem to stay at work later on
Tuesday and Thursday nights now.
Partner 2: That’s true, you have a point. (180-degree turn,
now it’s an Agreement)
7.4.3. Compromise
In this Repair, one partner tries to use both partners’ input

to come up with a solution or compromise. One person
is taking into account the other person’s side of the issue.
Compromise does not include when one person dictates a
plan of resolution; you must see willingness to find middle
ground.
Examples
How do we accomplish the process?

Let’s make a mutual goal to leave work early.
7.4.4. Defining the Conflict
One partner gains some perspective on what he or she

believes that conflict to be about. This person steps out
7-13
of the conflict discussion, at least temporarily, to define

the issue at hand. When defining the conflict, one partner
clearly states how they are both contributing to the conflict.
The conflict is summarized or explained in terms of how
they are both contributing to it rather than laying the blame
on one person.
Examples
This is just a tool that we both use.
What I’m getting at here is you and I have different

mechanisms for problem-solving some of these
things . . . .
7.4.5. Guarding
When an argument gets into an area that one partner

believes will be too emotionally intense, she or he may
use the Guarding Repair to avoid that area. This repair is
essentially saying that the conflict is approaching dangerous
territory and is used as a warning. This is different from
the Stop Repair in that they can continue arguing about
the topic as long as they avoid the warning zone. A type
of Guarding can be when one partner essentially asks the
other to back off. This is an attempt to back away from the
force with which their partner is pursuing the conflict. They
may not ask to stop entirely, but will try to set a limit on
intensity.
Examples
You’d better be careful. Don’t call my dog smelly!

(warning)
OK . . . OK . . . OK . . . OKAY!!! (back-off)
7.4.6. Humor
Any joke, witticism, or silliness used to lighten up the

conversation as long as the humor is lacking malicious
intent. The humor code includes teasing.
The humor must either involve the issue at hand or happen

during a topic of conflict.
7-14
Example
Honey, you look beautiful in that headset . . . and that

earclip is doing it for me.
7.4.7. Making Promises
One partner promises the other to take some action in the

future. The intention of this promise must be to somehow
help the partner. The promise should be related to the
conflict.
Example
I will try to be more sensitive to your needs.
7.4.8. Monitoring Discussion
This code includes comments directed specifically at the

process of the conversation rather than at the issue being
discussed. One partner directly addresses something
negative in how they are talking to each other. Monitoring
the Monitoring Discussion Repair can include attempts
at self-correction. The code can also be used to steer the
conversation off a negative track. With these statements,
couples are addressing how they are interacting with each
other rather than what they are talking about.
Examples
Why are we arguing about this anyway? This isn’t the

issue. (keeping discussion on track)
You’re telling me how it’s going to be, and I don’t

appreciate that. (addressing negativity in how partner is
speaking)
I’m trying to say what you could do, not what you have to
do. (self-correction)
7.4.9. Repair Questions
Because couples use questions often during an interaction,

we have limited this Repair definition to those questions
that relate specifically to the conflict. One partner uses the
Repair Question to check in with the other over the issue.
With these questions, one partner attempts to pull the other
7-15
partner into the conversation in a new way. The questions

show one partner’s concern for the other. Do not code
low-ball type questions as Repair Questions. Low-balling
occurs when the speaker is obviously asking a question to
elicit a specific answer. These questions are used as traps
and are not repairs.
During coding, it will be important to distinguish a

Question Repair from a Repair that’s given in question
form. For example, someone may use a question to provide
humor and lighten the moment. This would be a Humor
Repair instead of a Question Repair. The Question Repair
must be focused on the issue and the partner.
Examples
Does that sound reasonable? What would you like to do?

Would you like to just not talk about it at all?
You got really sour. What happened?
7.4.10. Request for Direction
With this Repair, one partner is asking the other for specific
instructions on how they can make the situation better.
This is a specific type of question that should be coded
separately from the Repair Question code.
Examples
What do I do that bothers you that I could change?
What do you want from me in this process?
7.4.11. Self-Disclosure
These statements express information, thoughts, or

experiences of a personal nature. You get the sense that one
partner is putting him- or herself in a vulnerable position or
going out on a limb by disclosing this information to his or
her partner. To code Self-Disclosure, the disclosure needs
to explain that partner’s own negative behavior or reason
for the conflict.
7-16
Example
That free time you had, you were spending it with someone
else, so I felt left out. (explained why the partner was
feeling jealous)
7.4.12. Softening
Softening is a way one person can bring up an issue or

complaint during a conflict discussion without criticizing
or blaming their partner. Softening is a complaint with a
positive approach.
Types of Softening
“I” or “We” Statements
Complaints that begin with the words “I” or “We” instead

of “You” can be a form of softening. With an “I” statement
the speaker explains how he or she feels about a situation
as a way to frame the complaint. With a “We” statement,
the speaker takes some of the blame from the partner by
also taking responsibility for the situation. The complaint is
about a situation that includes both partners (see following
examples).
Describing the Situation
In this type of Softening, the speaker complains by

describing what she or he sees happening without
evaluation or judgment. The speaker is complaining about
a specific situation without blaming the partner’s behavior
(see following examples).
Appreciation Before the Complaint
Before complaining, the speaker compliments or shows

appreciation for his or her partner having done something
right in the past. This type of appreciation is different from
the Affection Repair because it is used to air a complaint
(see following examples).
Examples
This doesn’t really seem like a problem, but what should

we do about the checkbook? (“We” statement)
7-17
Last week, when there were newspapers in the living room

and computer papers on the kitchen counter, it bothered me.
(Describing the Situation)
I’m not even sure this bothers me that much, just

sometimes. In fact, you’ve been a lot better lately, but
I sometimes get frustrated when the laundry doesn’t
get done. (Appreciation before the complaint and “I”
statement)
7.4.13. Stop
When an argument becomes too intense, one person may

try to postpone or end a particular subject. The threshold
for negativity is different for each couple, so the emphasis
here is on the abruptness of the change or end of the
subject and not on the outward intensity of the conflict.
One type of Stop is an abrupt change of subject; this does
not include those times when the couple naturally makes a
transition to a new topic. The new subject may be as trivial
as a comment about their socks or as significant as another
relationship issue. Another type of Stop can be more direct
and forceful. With this type of Stop one partner is too upset
to continue the discussion and ends it.
The point of this Repair is to escape the current topic.
Examples
I guess we ought to discuss money. (change of subject)
I don’t want to talk about this anymore. (end of subject)
7.4.14. Taking Responsibility
This Repair happens when a partner acknowledges

her or his own part in the conflict. The speaker admits
responsibility. This code can also occur in the form of an
apology.
Examples
I’m sorry. I know I escalate the dog thing just because I

don’t like her.
7-18
7.4.15. Tooting Your Own Horn
This code can be in either question or statement form.

One person wants something he or she has done to be
acknowledged by his or her partner. A person may seek
acknowledgement or approval by directly asking the spouse
for it or by putting the question less directly, in the form of
a statement. Without using a question, one partner may ask
for credit by simply listing or mentioning what they have
accomplished that is related to the area of disagreement.
Examples
Wait! That’s something I do almost every night!
I’ve tried to do less nagging.
I’ve been better with money.
7.4.16. Understanding
Feeling Probe
The Feeling Probe communicates the speaker’s empathy

or understanding of the other person’s thoughts or feelings
about the conflict. A feeling probe can also be thought of as
positive mind reading.
Examples
I understand how you feel because she’s your family. I

know how I would feel. Part of you wants to remain loyal,
but it’s really difficult.
I can see that going to church is not something you’re

comfortable doing.
Ah-Ha!
We also code Understanding when one person seems

to finally grasp what her or his partner is saying about
the conflict. It’s as if she or he didn’t comprehend the
complaint earlier, but now they do. It’s the Ah-Ha or Light-
Bulb type of interaction.
7-19
Example
Oh, I see what you’re saying.
7.4.17. We’re OK / Teamwork
In this code one partner is trying to develop a sense

of togetherness or we-ness with the other partner. One
person points out what they’ve done “right” as a couple
and/or tries to reinforce similarities between them. This
code often sounds like a partner is saying, “We’re doing
OK, look at what we’ve done.” One partner is trying to
acknowledge similarities between them as well as praise
their relationship.
Examples
I think we do a pretty good job of . . .
We’ve got that thing figured out, it just needs tweaking now
and then.
7.5. Responses
Another aspect to Repair Attempt coding is coding the
listener’s response to each repair. After coding a repair, wait
8–10 seconds and decide which numbered response applies.
1—Repair
The Response to a Repair made by one partner, is a

Repair by the other partner.
2—Acceptance
The partner goes along with the partner’s Repair.

Acceptance includes agreement. It can also include
questions for clarification.
3—Reassurance
The Reassurance Response may sound like a type

of acceptance. In this Response, the partner is
attempting to comfort the other in response to a
Repair.
7-20
4—Resolving
The partner responds to a Repair by offering a

solution or start to organize a plan.
5—Laugh or Smile
6—Back Channel
This indicates the individual is listening to the

partner in an affirmative fashion by using different
cues, such as head nods, “umm-hmms,” or other
physical and vocal assenting behaviors.
7—Neutral
A Response is neutral when the spouse is

looking at the speaker and appears to be
listening (which is different from stonewalling).
A Neutral Response is neither positive nor
negative. This Response doesn’t show acceptance or
rejection of the repair.
8—Disagreeing with the Repair
In this type of Response, the partner is disagreeing

with the statement made it the Repair. As a
disagreement, however, it cannot contain any of the
elements of the Reject response such as Contempt,
Criticism, or Defensiveness.
9—Damage
The Damage Response will be coded similarly

to the Damage Repair. Code a Damage Response
when you see that a partner has started to respond
positively to a Repair but then continues to attack,
complain, or criticize. In these cases, the attacking
behaviors negate the initial attempt to respond
positively.
10—Rejecting the Repair
A rejection is a hostile Response that is not a

disagreement. An attack on the Repair, it can contain
defensiveness and criticism.
7-21
11—Ignoring the Repair
Ignoring or interrupting a Repair.
Consideration
If someone responds with a “3” or “4” along with another

Response, the other Response take precedence (e.g., one
partner does a Stop Repair, and the other partner laughs
and helps him or her change the subject, code that a “2” for
Acceptance).
7-22
8-1
8. Individual Interview
8.1. Setting the Stage for the Individual Interview
Tell each partner the ground rules you have for the
individual sessions, particularly that anything that gets
raised in the individual sessions is not secret, but can
be disclosed at your discretion. Make sure that this is
understood by both partners and is acceptable to them.
In the individual sessions, try to get each person’s personal

narrative of the relationship, what they expect and want,
their big cost-benefit analysis of the relationship, and what
they hope for and also fear about the therapy. Ask about
physical abuse directly and about extra-relational affairs.
Look at their commitment to the relationship (look for
differential commitments and conditional commitments)
and to working it out, recognizing that most people delay
for six years before coming to therapy and many use
therapy as a gentle way to exit the relationship.
Try to actively build a rapport with each person that

validates each person’s perspective of the relationship.
Ask about gridlocked issues, recurring sources of pain,
major complaints. Fully expect to see the emergence of the
Fundamental Attribution Error, namely, each person thinks,
“I’m okay, my partner’s character is defective. Fix my
partner and please do this inexpensively, without blaming
me. Thank you.”
In this session, introduce the Jerry Lewis idea that in every

relationship dispute there are two different subjective
realities, both right. What’s hard is for each person to
see the validity of his or her partner’s very different
perspective.
Also try to get a sense of each partner’s family of origin

history, because old dynamics may be getting re-enacted in
this current relationship.
Finally, thank each partner for coming in and tell her or

him that, in the next couples session, you’ll be offering a
treatment plan based on these last sessions and the data
from their questionnaires.
8-2
8.2. Content of Individual Interviews

• The individual narrative
• Relevant family history
• History of prior relationships
• History of prior therapy
• Each person’s commitment to the relationship, and

discrepancies.
• Their hopes and expectations for the relationship

(including potentially getting out of the relationship)
and for the therapy.
• Their personal goals.
• Their Big Cost/Benefit analysis of the relationship.

(How do they evaluate the benefits and costs of staying
in and working on trying to make this relationship
better, versus getting out?)
• The presence of ongoing or previous physical abuse,

especially a pattern of using violence to intimidate and
control one’s partner.
• The presence of ongoing or previous betrayals,

especially ongoing extra-relational affairs.
• Psychopathology and other potential resistances (e.g.,

depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD)
• The presence of ongoing or previous sexual abuse.
• The presence of ongoing or previous drug and alcohol

abuse, or other addictions.
A summary sheet of the Individual Interview is included in

this section for your convenience.
8-3
Client ID#: Date:
Individual Interview Summary Sheet

The individual narrative:
Relevant Family History:
History of prior relationships:
History of prior therapy:
Commitment to the relationship:
Hopes and expectations of the relationship and therapy:
Personal goals:
Cost-benefit analysis of the relationship:
Ongoing and previous physical abuse and battering:
Ongoing and previous extra-relational affair(s):
Depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD:
Sexual abuse history:
Drug and alcohol abuse, other addictions:
Anything not yet discussed helpful to understand you, your partner or your relationship?
(Use back of page for more space to write notes)
8-4
9-1
9. Gottman Method Assessment Questionnaires

9.1. Gottman Core Assessment Questionnaires........................................... 9-1
Locke-Wallace Relationship Adjustment Test��9-3
Weiss-Cerretto Relationship Status Inventory��9-5
The Sound Relationship House Questionnaires (5 item scale)��9-7
Love Maps.................................................................................................. 9-7
Fondness and Admiration System.............................................................. 9-7
Turning Towards or Away........................................................................... 9-7
Negative Sentiment Override.................................................................... 9-8
Harsh Startup.............................................................................................. 9-8
Accepting Influence.................................................................................... 9-8
Repair Attempts......................................................................................... 9-9
Compromise............................................................................................... 9-9
Gridlock on Perpetual Issues...................................................................... 9-9
The Four Horsemen.................................................................................. 9-10
Flooding................................................................................................... 9-10
Emotional Disengagement and Loneliness.............................................. 9-10
Quality of Sex, Romance, and Passion in the Relationship��9-11
Shared Meanings Questionnaire��9-13
Your Rituals............................................................................................... 9-13
Your Roles................................................................................................. 9-13
Your Goals................................................................................................. 9-13
Your Symbols............................................................................................ 9-13
Trust��9-14
Commitment��9-15
The Gottman 19 Areas Checklist for Solvable and Perpetual Problems��9-17
The Three “Detour” Scales��9-27
Chaos .................................................................................................... 9-27
Meta-Emotions (Your Own Feelings About Emotions)............................. 9-28
My Family History..................................................................................... 9-30
Gottman Emotional Abuse Questionnaire (EAQ)��9-33
Questionnaires��9-35
Control .................................................................................................... 9-35
Fear .................................................................................................... 9-35
Suicide Potential....................................................................................... 9-35
Acts of Physical Aggression...................................................................... 9-36
SCL-90��9-37
The CAGE Questionnaire Adapted to Include Drugs (CAGE-AID)��9-41
9-2
9.2. The Gottman Relationship Checkup�� 9-43

9.3. Core Assessment Scoring and Interpretation�� 9-45
Sound Relationship House Assessment 5-Item Scale Scoring & Interpretation9-49
Scoring & Interpretation Instructions��9-58
Interpretation Guidelines��9-60
Gottman Assessment Scoring Summary��9-61
9.4. Supplemental Assessment Questionnaires�� 9-63
Self-Test: Flooding.................................................................................... 9-69
Self-Test: Do You Lead Parallel Lives?...................................................... 9-71
Self-Test: How Lonely is Your Relationship?............................................. 9-73
9.5. Supplemental Assessment Scoring and Interpretation�� 9-81
9.6. Reliability and Validity of the Gottman Sound Relationship
House Scales By John Gottman, Ph.D.�� 9-85
References��9-108
9-3
Client ID#: Date:
Locke-Wallace Relationship Adjustment Test

ircle the dot on the scale line that best describes the degree of happiness, everything
C
considered, of your present relationship. The middle point “happy” represents the de-
gree of happiness that most people get from their relationship, and the scale gradually
ranges on one side to those few who are very unhappy and, on the other, to those few
who experience extreme joy or felicity in their relationship.
l l l l l l l
Very Unhappy Happy Perfectly Happy
State the approximate extent of agreement or disagreement between you and your
partner on the following items. Please check each column.
Almost Almost
Always Always Occasionally Frequently Always Always
Agree Agree Disagree Disagree Disagree Disagree
1. Handling Family Finances

2. Matters of Recreation
3. Demonstration of Affection
4. Friends
5. Sex Relations
6. Conventionality (right, good,
or proper conduct)
7. Philosophy of Life
8. Ways of Dealing with In-laws
For each of the following items, check one response:

9. When disagreements arise, they usually result in
(a) me giving in___ (b) my partner giving in___ (c) agreement by mutual give and take___
10. Do you and your partner engage in outside interests together?
(a) all of them___ (b) some of them___ (c) very few of them___ (d) none of them___
11. In leisure time, do you generally prefer:
(a) to be “on the go”___ (b) to stay at home ___
12. Does your partner generally prefer:
(a) to be “on the go”___ (b) to stay at home ___
13. Do you ever wish you had not committed to this relationship?
(a) frequently___ (b) occasionally___ (c) rarely___ (d) never___
14. If you had your life to live over again, do you think you would:
(a) commit to the same person ___ (b) commit to a different person ___
(c) not commit at all __
15. Do you ever confide in your partner?
(a) almost never___ (b) rarely___ (c) in most things___ (d) in everything___
9-4
9-5
Client ID#: Date:
Weiss-Cerretto Relationship Status Inventory

We would like to get an idea of how your relationship stands right now. Please answer
the questions below by circling TRUE or FALSE for each item with regard to how things
stand right now. For items that are true, please indicate what year the item began to
be true.
1. I have made specific plans to discuss separation (or TRUE FALSE Year:
divorce) with my partner. I have considered what I would
say, etc. ______
2. I have set up an independent bank account in my name in TRUE FALSE Year:
order to protect my own interests. ______
3. Thoughts of separation (or divorce) occur to me very TRUE FALSE Year:
frequently, as often as once a week or more. ______
4. I have suggested to my partner (spouse) that I wish to be TRUE FALSE Year:
separated, divorced, or rid of him/her. ______
5. I have thought specifically about separation (or divorce). TRUE FALSE Year:
I have thought about who would get the kids, how things
would be divided, pros and cons, etc. ______
6. My partner and I have separated. This is a [CHECK ONE] TRUE FALSE Year:
otrial separation, or olegal separation. ______
7. I have discussed the question of my separation (or divorce) TRUE FALSE Year:
with someone other than my partner (trusted friend,
psychologist, minister, etc.). ______
8. I have occasionally thought of separation (or divorce) or TRUE FALSE Year:
wished that we were separated, usually after an argument
or other incident. ______
9. I have discussed the issue of separation (or divorce) TRUE FALSE Year:
seriously or at length with my partner.
______
10. We are separated, I have asked that the separation be TRUE FALSE Year:
permanent (or filed for divorce), or we are completely
broken up (or divorced). ______
11. I have made inquiries about separation (or how long it TRUE FALSE Year:
takes to get a divorce, grounds for divorce), costs involved,
etc. ______
12. I have contacted a lawyer to make preliminary plans for a TRUE FALSE Year:
separation or custody arrangement (or divorce). ______
13. I have consulted a lawyer or other legal aid about the TRUE FALSE Year:
matter. ______
14. I have considered separation (or divorce) a few times, other TRUE FALSE Year:
than during or after an argument, although only in vague
terms. ______
9-6
9-7
Client ID#: Date:
The Sound Relationship House Questionnaires (5 item scale)
Love Maps
Read each statement and place a check mark in the appropriate TRUE or FALSE box.
STATEMENT TRUE FALSE

I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams. q q
I can list the relatives my partner likes the least. q q
My partner is familiar with what are my current stresses. q q
I can list my partner’s major aspirations and hopes in life. q q
I know my partner’s major current worries. q q
Fondness and Admiration System


My partner really respects me. q q
I feel loved and cared for in this relationship. q q
Romance is something our relationship definitely still has in it. q q
When I come into a room, my partner is glad to see me. q q
My partner appreciates the things I do in this relationship. q q
Turning Towards or Away


I really enjoy discussing things with my partner. q q
We always have a lot to say to each other. q q
We have a lot of fun together in our everyday lives. q q
We really have a lot of interests in common. q q
We like to do a lot of the same things. q q
9-8
Client ID#: Date:
Negative Sentiment Override

Fill this form out thinking about your immediate past (last 2 to 4 weeks) or a recent
discussion of an existing issue. Read each statement and place a check mark in the
appropriate TRUE or FALSE box.
IN THE RECENT PAST IN MY RELATIONSHIP, GENERALLY TRUE FALSE

I felt innocent of blame for this problem. q q
I felt unjustly accused q q
I felt personally attacked. q q
I felt unjustly criticized. q q
I wanted the negativity to just stop. q q
Harsh Startup
WHEN WE DISCUSS OUR ISSUES TRUE FALSE

Arguments often seem to come out of nowhere. q q
I seem to always get blamed for issues. q q
My partner criticizes my personality. q q
Our calm is suddenly shattered. q q
I find my partner’s negativity unnerving and unsettling. q q
Accepting Influence

I generally want my partner to feel influential in this relationship. q q
I can listen to my partner, but only up to a point. q q
My partner has a lot of basic common sense. q q
I don’t reject my partner’s opinions out of hand. q q
My partner is basically a great help as a problem solver. q q
9-9
Client ID#: Date:
Repair Attempts
DURING OUR ATTEMPTS TO RESOLVE CONFLICT BETWEEN US TRUE FALSE

We are good at taking breaks when we need them. q q
Even when arguing, we can maintain a sense of humor. q q
We are pretty good listeners even when we have different positions q q
on things.
If things get heated, we can usually pull out of it and change things. q q
My partner is good at soothing me when I get upset. q q
Compromise
DURING OUR ATTEMPTS TO RESOLVE CONFLICT BETWEEN US TRUE FALSE

We are usually good at resolving our differences. q q
We both believe in meeting each other halfway when we disagree. q q
In discussing issues, we can usually find our common ground of q q
agreement.
Yielding power is not very difficult for me. q q
Give and take in making decisions is not a problem in this q q
relationship.
Gridlock on Perpetual Issues


We keep hurting each other whenever we discuss our core issues. q q
My partner has a long list of basically unreasonable demands. q q
I don’t feel respected when we disagree. q q
My partner often acts in a selfish manner. q q
When we discuss our issues, my partner acts as if I am totally wrong q q
and he or she is totally right.
9-10
Client ID#: Date:
The Four Horsemen


I have to defend myself because the charges against me are so q q
unfair.
I often feel unappreciated by my partner. q q
My partner doesn’t face issues responsibly and maturely. q q
I am just not guilty of many of the things I get accused of. q q
My partner has a lot of trouble being rational and logical. q q
Flooding

Our discussions get too heated. q q
I have a hard time calming down. q q
One of us is going to say something we will regret. q q
I think to myself, “Why can’t we talk more logically?” q q
My partner has a long list of unreasonable demands. q q
Emotional Disengagement and Loneliness


I often find myself disappointed in this relationship. q q
I will at times find myself quite lonely in this relationship. q q
It is hard for my deepest feelings to get much attention in this q q
relationship.
There is not enough closeness between us. q q
I have adapted to a lot in this relationship, and I am not so sure it’s a q q
good idea.
9-11
Client ID#: Date:
Quality of Sex, Romance, and Passion in the Relationship

For each item check the one box below that applies to your relationship right now:
1. Our relationship is m Romantic and passionate

m Becoming passionless, that is, the fire is going out
2. I would say that m My partner is still verbally affectionate
m My partner is not very verbally affectionate
3. I would say that m My partner expresses love and admiration to me
m My partner expresses love or admiration less frequently
these days
4. I would say that m We do touch each other a fair amount
m We rarely touch each other these days
5. I would say that m My partner courts me sexually
m My partner does not court me sexually
6. I would say that m We do cuddle with one another
m We rarely cuddle with one another
7. I would say that m We still have our tender and passionate moments
m We have few tender or passionate moments
8. I would say that m Our sex life is fine
m There are definite problems in this area
9. I would say that m The frequency of sex is not a problem
m The frequency of sex is a problem
10. I would say that m The satisfaction I get from sex is not a problem
m The satisfaction I get from sex is a problem
11. I would say that m Being able to just talk about sex, or talk about sexual
problems is not a serious issue between us
m Being able to just talk about sex, or talk about sexual
problems is a serious issue between us
12. I would say that m The two of us generally want the same thing sexually
m The two of us want different things sexually
13. I would say that m Differences in desire are not an issue in this relationship
m Differences in desire are an issue in this relationship
14. I would say that m The amount of love in our lovemaking is not a problem
m The amount of love in our lovemaking is a problem
9-12
Client ID#: Date:
Quality of Sex, Romance, and Passion in the Relationship (continued)
15. I would say that m The satisfaction my partner gets from sex is not a
problem
m The satisfaction my partner gets from sex is a problem
16. I would say that m My partner is still physically very affectionate toward me
m My partner is not very physically affectionate toward me
17. I would say that m I feel romantic toward my partner
m I do not feel very romantic toward my partner
18. I would say that m My partner finds me sexually attractive
m My partner does not find me sexually attractive
19. I would say that m I find my partner sexually attractive
m I do not view my partner as sexually attractive
20. In this relationship m I feel romantic and passionate toward my partner, or
m I feel passionless, my own fire is going out
21. In this relationship m My partner is romantic and passionate, or,
m My partner is passionless, that is, the fire is going out in
my partner
22. I would say that m My partner compliments my appearance
m My partner does not compliment my appearance
23. I would say that m I am satisfied by how we initiate sex
m I am dissatisfied with the ways we initiate sex
24. I would say that m It is possible for me to refuse sex and have it be okay
m I am unable to refuse sex and have it be okay with my
partner
25. I would say that m I hardly ever have sex when I don’t want to
m It seems as if I often have sex when I don’t want to
26. I would say that m We have many ways to satisfy one another sexually
m We have very few ways to satisfy one another sexually
27. Overall I would say that m We are good sexual partners
m We are not very good sexual partners
9-13
Client ID#: Date:
Shared Meanings Questionnaire

We want you to think about how well you and your partner have been able to create a sense of
shared meaning in your lives together. We think that when people become committed to one
another they create a new culture, and some relationships also involve the union of two very
different cultures. But even if two people are coming from the same regional, cultural, ethnic,
and religious backgrounds, they will have been raised in two very different families, and their
merging involves the creation of a new culture.
YOUR RITUALS True False

Reunions at the end of each day in our home are generally special times in q q
my day.
During weekends, we do a lot of things together that we enjoy and value. q q
I really look forward to and enjoy our vacations and the travel we do q q
together.
When we do errands together, we generally have a good time. q q
We have ways of becoming renewed and refreshed when we are burned q q
out or fatigued.
YOUR ROLES True False

We share many similar values in our roles as lovers and partners. q q
My partner and I have compatible views about the role of work in one’s life. q q
My partner and I have similar philosophies about balancing work and q q
family life.
My partner supports what I would see as my basic mission in life. q q
My partner shares my views on the importance of family and kin (sisters, q q
brothers, moms, dads) in our life together.
YOUR GOALS True False

If I were to look back on my life in very old age, I think I would see that our q q
paths in life had meshed very well.
My partner values my own accomplishments. q q
My partner honors my own very personal goals, unrelated to my q q
relationship.
We have very similar financial goals. q q
Our hopes and aspirations, as individuals and together, for our children, for q q
our life in general, and for our old age are quite compatible.
YOUR SYMBOLS True False

We see eye-to-eye about what “home” means. q q
We have similar views about the role of sex in our lives. q q
We have similar views about the role of love and affection in our lives. q q
We have similar values about the importance and meaning of money in q q
our lives.
We have similar values about “autonomy” and “independence.” q q
9-14
Client ID#: Date:
Trust
Instructions: For the following items answer the degree to which you agree or disagree with
each item by checking the box under Strongly Disagree, Disagree, Neither Agree nor Disagree,
Agree, or Strongly Agree.
Strongly Disagree Neither Agree Strongly
Disagree Agree
1. There were important times when my partner has

not been there for me emotionally when I was
really in need.
2. My partner has been or is emotionally involved
with someone else, which feels like a betrayal.
3. My partner has been or is sexually involved with
someone else, which feels like a betrayal.
4. I don’t have much trust in any relationship.
5. Once, when I really needed to turn to my partner
for emotional support, I was terribly disappointed
and left utterly alone.
6. Sometimes I don’t feel important to my partner.
7. My partner has forced me to do some things
against my principles, or to do things that I find
objectionable, repulsive, or disgusting.
8. My partner lies to me.
9. There are some wounds my partner has created
that can never fully heal between us.
10. My trust in this relationship has been seriously
shattered.
11. I don’t feel that I am my partner’s first or even
major priority in his or her life.
12. My partner has cheated me and I feel betrayed
by that.
13. My partner has betrayed me financially.
14. When going through hard times in our
relationship, I don’t feel I can count on my
partner to be there for me.
15. Our vows aren’t really sacred to my partner.
16. My partner can be deceitful with me in many
ways.
17. When I get sick I am abandoned by my
partner.
18. I can’t really count on my partner.
19. If I should have financial problems my financial
problems are totally my own. I cannot rely on my
partner to help me out.
20. I suspect that my partner has betrayed our
relationship contract in the past.
21. My partner is not really loyal to me.
9-15
Client ID#: Date:
Commitment
Disagree Agree
1. I feel confident that my partner will stay in this

relationship even if we are going through hard
times.
2. When I am feeling bad, my partner is willing to
meet my needs.
3. During a fight, my partner does not threaten to
leave me.
4. I am committed to this relationship.
5. I consider my relationship rock solid.
6. I would refuse to have sex with a person other
than my partner.
7. I will sometimes make major sacrifices for my
partner even if it goes against what I need.
8. I make sure that my partner feels loved by me.
9. When my partner is sick, I think it is very
important that I take care of him or her.
10. When I compromise with my partner, I don’t feel
controlled and manipulated.
11. Being a team is sometimes more important to me
than my own needs
12. I feel that my partner’s financial security is in part
my responsibility.
13. If my partner were in emotional trouble, I would
be there 100%.
14. After an argument, I am not thinking that I could
be happier with someone else.
15. During a fight, I do not threaten to leave my
partner.
16. I am not waiting for someone better to come
along.
17. We are not usually engaged in a power struggle.
18. I want to stay with my partner forever.
19. I would avoid flirting if it made my partner feel
insecure.
20. No matter what’s going on, I never fantasize
about divorce or separation.
21. No matter how bad things get I never long for
the days when I was single.
9-16
Client ID#: Date:
Commitment (continued) Strongly

Disagree
Disagree Neither Agree Strongly
Agree
22. I never envy my friends who are single.

23. I never fantasize about what life would be like being
someone else’s partner.
24. I love it when my partner and I dream about our future
together.
25. I love thinking about my partner and I growing old
together
26. My worst nightmare is my partner dying before me.
27. I feel loved by my partner.
9-17
Client ID#: Date:
The Gottman 19 Areas Checklist for

Solvable and Perpetual Problems
Instructions. Please think about how things are RIGHT NOW in each of the following
areas of your relationship. Think about each area of your life together, and decide if this
area is fine or if it needs improvement. For each of the statements below, check the
box that best describes your relationship.
1. We are o staying emotionally connected, or o becoming emotionally distant.
Check all the specific items below: Not a problem Is a problem

Just simply talking to each other o o
Staying emotionally in touch with each other o o
Feeling taken for granted o o
Don’t feel my partner knows me very well right now o o
Partner is (or I am) emotionally disengaged o o
Spending time together o o
Comments, and if things are fine, describe how you are managing this area of your lives. If things are not fine,
describe the obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship.
2. We are o handling job and other stresses effectively, or o experiencing the

“spill-over” of other stresses.

Helping each other reduce daily stresses. o o
Talking about these stresses together. o o
Talking together about stress in a helpful manner. o o
Partner listening with understanding about my stresses o o
and worries.
Partner takes job or other stresses out on me. o o
Partner takes job or other stresses out on others in our life. o o
9-18
Client ID#: Date:
3. We are o handling issues or disagreements well, or o gridlocking on one or

more issues.

Differences have arisen between us that feel very basic. o o
These differences seem unresolvable. o o
We are living day-to-day with hurts. o o
Our positions are getting entrenched. o o
It looks like I will never get what I hope for. o o
I am very worried that these issues may damage our o o
relationship.
4. Our relationship o is romantic and passionate, or o is becoming passionless;

the fire is going out.

My partner has stopped being verbally affectionate. o o
My partner expresses love or admiration less frequently. o o
We rarely touch each other. o o
My partner (or I) have stopped feeling very romantic. o o
We rarely cuddle. o o
We have few tender or passionate moments. o o
9-19
Client ID#: Date:
5. o Our sex life is fine, or o There are problems in this area.

The frequency of sex. o o
The satisfaction I (or my partner) get from sex. o o
Being able to talk about sexual problems. o o
The two of us wanting different things sexually. o o
Problems of desire. o o
The amount of love in our lovemaking. o o
6. An important event (e.g., changes in job or residence, the loss of a job or loved
one, an illness) has occurred in our lives. o Yes o No
The relationship o is dealing with this well or o is not dealing with this well

We have very different points of view on how to handle o o
things.
This event has led my partner to be very distant. o o
This event has made us both irritable. o o
This event has led to a lot of fighting. o o
I’m worried about how this will all turn out. o o
We are now taking up very different positions. o o
9-20
Client ID#: Date:
7. Major issues about children have arisen (this could be about whether to be
parents). o Yes o No

We have very different points of view on goals for o o
children.
We have different positions on what to discipline o o
children for.
We have different positions on how to discipline o o
children.
We have issues about how to be close to our children. o o
We are not talking about these issues very well. o o
There is a lot of tension or anger about these o o
differences.
8. Major issues/events have arisen about in-laws, a relative, or relatives.

o Yes o No

I feel unaccepted by my partner’s family. o o
I sometimes wonder which family my partner is in. o o
I feel unaccepted by my own family. o o
There is tension between us about what might o o
happen.
This issue has generated a lot of irritability. o o
I am worried about how this is going to turn out. o o
9-21
Client ID#: Date:
9. o Being attracted to other people or jealousy is not an issue, or o My partner is

flirtatious or there may be a recent extra-relationship affair

This area is a source of a lot of hurt. o o
This is an area that creates insecurity. o o
I can’t deal with the lies. o o
It is hard to re-establish trust. o o
There is a feeling of betrayal. o o
It’s hard to know how to heal this. o o
10. o
There has been a recent extra-relationship affair (or I suspect there is one),
or o This is not an issue
This is a source of a lot of pain. o o
This has created insecurity. o o
I can’t deal with the deception and lying. o o
I can’t stop being angry. o o
I can’t deal with my partner’s anger. o o
I want this to be over but it seems to never end. o o
I am tired of apologizing. o o
It’s hard to trust again. o o
I feel that our relationship has been violated. o o
It is hard to know how to heal this. o o
9-22
Client ID#: Date:
11. When disagreements arise, o we resolve issues well, or o unpleasant fights

have occurred

There are more fights now. o o
The fights seem to come out of nowhere. o o
Anger and irritability have crept into our relationship. o o
We get into muddles where we are hurting each other. o o
I don’t feel very respected lately. o o
I feel criticized. o o
12. o We are in synchrony on basic values and goals, or o Differences between us

in these areas or in desired lifestyle are emerging.

Differences have arisen in life goals. o o
Differences have arisen about important beliefs. o o
Differences have arisen on leisure time interests. o o
We seem to be wanting different things out of life. o o
We are growing in different directions. o o
I don’t much like who I am with my partner. o o
9-23
Client ID#: Date:
13. Very hard events (for example, violence, drugs, an affair) have occurred within
the relationship. o Yes o No
Check all the specific items below: Not a Is a problem

problem
There has been physical violence between us. o o
There is a problem with alcohol or drugs. o o
This is turning into a relationship I hadn’t bargained for. o o
The “contract” of our couples relationship is changing. o o
I find some of what my partner wants upsetting or repulsive. o o
I am now feeling somewhat disappointed by this o o
relationship.
14. We o work well as a team, or o are not working very well as a team right now

We used to share more of the household’s workload. o o
We seem to be pulling in opposite directions. o o
My partner does not share in housework or family chores. o o
My partner is not carrying weight financially. o o
I feel alone in managing our family. o o
My partner is not being very considerate. o o
9-24
Client ID#: Date:
15. o We are coping well with issues of power or influence, or o We are having
trouble in this area

I don’t feel influential in decisions we make. o o
My partner has become more domineering. o o
I have become more demanding. o o
My partner has become passive. o o
My partner is “spacey,” not a strong force in our o o
relationship.
I am starting to care a lot more about who is running o o
things.
16. o We are handling issues of finances well, or o We are having trouble in this
area
I or my partner just doesn’t bring in enough money. o o
We have differences about how to spend our money. o o
We are stressed about finances. o o
My partner is financially more interested in self than in us. o o
We are not united in managing our finances. o o
There is not enough financial planning. o o
9-25
Client ID#: Date:
17. We are o doing well having fun together, or o not having very much fun
together
We don’t seem to have very much time for fun. o o
We try, but don’t seem to enjoy our times together o o
very much.
We are too stressed for fun. o o
Work takes up all our time these days. o o
Our interests are so different now that there are no fun o o
things we like to do together.
We plan fun things to do, but they never happen. o o
18. We are o feeling close in building/being a part of the community together, or

o not feeling close in building/being a part of the community together

Being involved with friends and other people or o o
groups
Caring about the institutions that build communities o o
Putting time into the institutions of community o o
(e.g., school, agencies)
Doing projects or work for charity. o o
Doing other good deeds for members of the o o
community.
Taking a leadership role in the service of o o
community.
9-26
19. We are o feeling very close in the area of spirituality together, or o not doing
well in that area these days

Sharing the same beliefs. o o
Agreeing about religious ideas and values. o o
Issues about specific house of worship (mosque, o o
church, synagogue).
Communicating well about spiritual things. o o
Issues that are about spiritual growth and change. o o
Spiritual issues involving our family. o o
9-27
Client ID#: Date:
The Three “Detour” Scales
CHAOS
Instructions: Check Yes or No for each item below.
STATEMENT YES NO
1. Does your home life together feel chaotic? q q
2. Is there any sense of disorder in your life together? q q
3. In this relationship are you unable to function well in your own life? q q
4. Do major unplanned events keep happening to the two of you? q q
5. Are the two of you always having to adapt to changing q q
circumstances?
6. Do you sometimes feel personally out of control of your life? q q
7. Do you sometimes feel like a “feather in the wind” in this q q
relationship?
8. Is it hard for you both to work regularly? q q
9. Is it hard for the two of you to maintain a regular and reliable q q
schedule?
10. Does your financial life seem unstable? q q
11. Do your finances feel out of control? q q
12. Do the two of you have trouble eating well (nutritiously)? q q
13. Have the two of you been unable to have a routine for grocery q q
shopping?
14. Have the two of you been unable to have a regular routine for q q
meals?
15. Have the two of you been unable to maintain good health? q q
9-28
Client ID#: Date:
META-EMOTIONS (YOUR OWN FEELINGS ABOUT EMOTIONS)

What’s your emotion philosophy?
Disagree Agree
1. I try not to think much about my own emotional states.

2. I believe that people should just roll with the punches
and get on with life.
3. There’s not much point in dwelling on your inner
feelings.
4. I generally view being emotional as being out of
control.
5. People ought to be more rational and less emotional.
6. I think expressing emotion is okay only if it’s in
control.
7. Anger is a very dangerous emotion.
8. People often act emotional just to get what they
want.
9. If you ignore negative emotions, they tend to go
away and take care of themselves.
10. It is best to just “ride out” negative emotions and not
dwell on them.
11. I don’t mind other people’s negative moods as long
as they don’t last too long.
12. I try to get over sadness quickly so I can move on to
better things.
13. I set some definite limits on other people’s staying in
a negative emotional state.
14. I tend to get impatient with people’s sadness.
15. I believe in not paying attention to people if they
aren’t positive or cheerful.
16. People can’t be very rational if they are being
emotional.
17. I really don’t want to experience negative
emotions.
18. It isn’t important to dwell on why you are feeling
the way you feel.
19. When people get sad they are just feeling sorry
for themselves.
20. I think if you want to you can make yourself feel
positively about almost anything.
21. I am not sure anything can be done when
someone is feeling down.
22. I just don’t think people should ever show their
anger.
9-29
Client ID#: Date:
META-EMOTIONS (continued) Strongly

Disagree
Agree
23. It is unnecessary to look deeply at the causes of

one’s emotions.
24. I just try not to make a big deal out of my own
emotions.
25. There is very little to be gained by dwelling on
why one is feeling a certain way.
26. People can definitely not tell what I am feeling.
27. Anger is always a very toxic emotion.
28. Feelings are private and I try not to express
them outwardly.
29. There’s not much difference between anger and
aggression.
30. Expressions of affection are usually
embarrassing for me.
31. I try to avoid people when they are sad.
32. Generally, I am fairly neutral and don’t
experience very much emotion.
33. Sadness is a form of weakness.
34. Feelings are best kept to one’s self.
35. Ideally, it is better to stay in control, upbeat, and
positive.
36. If people are emotional they may lose control.
37. To get over a negative emotion, just get on with
life and don’t dwell on things.
38. I don’t feel comfortable with outward displays
of love.
39. People ought to know when you love them
without your having to say so.
40. Dwelling on your fears just is an excuse for not
getting things done.
41. In general it’s better not to express your sad
feelings.
42. I’m not sure that there’s much that can be done
to change strong negative feelings.
43. Trying to problem solve with an emotional
person is a waste of time.
44. When my partner is angry it means there is
something wrong with our relationship.
45. Just the passage of time solves most things.
9-30
Client ID#: Date:
MY FAMILY HISTORY
We’d like to ask you some questions about stresses and supports you experienced as a child
growing up in your family. Please answer these questions as honestly as you can. For the follow-
ing items answer the degree to which you agree or disagree with each item by checking the box
under Strongly Disagree, Disagree, Neither Agree nor Disagree, Agree, or Strongly Agree.
Disagree Agree
1. The family I grew up in struggled financially.

2. I was physically abused by my parent(s).
3. My relationships with my siblings were not
close.
4. I was sexually abused or molested in my family.
5. My family home was a place of instability and
insecurity.
6. My family moved too often.
7. My parents were not affectionate toward me.
8. One or both of my parents were alcoholic.
9. My parents were unhappy with one another.
10. I never really trusted my parents.
11. My parents had no faith in my abilities.
12. My parents didn’t praise me very much.
13. My parents didn’t often show me that they
loved me.
14. I was lonely as a child.
15. My parents didn’t protect me from danger very
well.
16. We didn’t travel very much together as a family.
17. Growing up I could never talk to my parents
about my feelings.
18. My home was very chaotic.
19. My parents used unnecessarily strict and harsh
discipline.
20. It was never okay for me to tell my parents what
my needs were.
21. I was not accepted by my peers.
22. My parents would use shame, or belittle me.
23. There was no love and affection expressed in
my family.
24. Ours was not a child-centered home.
25. The kids were ignored by my parents.
26. There was lots of rivalry between my siblings.
27. My home was not open socially to guests and
visitors.
9-31
Client ID#: Date:
MY FAMILY HISTORY (continued) Strongly

Disagree
Agree
28. My parent(s) used illicit drugs or alcohol.

29. My parents forced me to do a lot of chores.
30. There was a lot of conflict in my family.
31. My parents gave me very little freedom to
explore my interests.
32. I experienced cruelty from my family.
33. I witnessed violence between my parents or
adults in my family.
34. I had no supportive teachers at school.
35. I didn’t have a sense of belonging in my family.
36. I experienced abuse or bullying from peers at
school.
37. My parents were not understanding and
empathic toward my feelings.
38. My father was not present, or absent a lot.
39. My parents were emotionally volatile.
40. I often got blamed when something went
wrong at school.
41. I had no good friends growing up.
42. My parents rarely came to my own special
events.
43. My parents had bad temper outbursts.
44. I didn’t get the attention I needed growing up.
45. My father was a cold person.
46. My parents were neglectful.
47. I was not accepted by my peers.
48. My parents never really knew me well.
49. There was a lot of tension in my home growing
up.
50. My mother was a cold person.
51. I was given few choices as a kid.
52. I was physically hungry as a kid.
53. I never really got know my father.
54. I rarely look forward to family gatherings or
visits from relatives.
55. We are not a strong or unified family.
56. I never took fun vacations with my family.
57. My family was not emotionally expressive.
58. My parents were strict and authoritarian.
9-32
Client ID#: Date:
MY FAMILY HISTORY (continued) Strongly

Disagree
Agree
59. I dislike some of my brothers or sisters.

60. I am competitive with one or more of my
siblings.
61. My family was not active in the community.
62. It was never okay for me to make mistakes.
63. I was compared unfavorably to others by my
parents.
64. My parents were too perfectionist.
65. My mother and father were critical of me.
66. We did not usually eat together as a family.
67. We rarely had fun family holidays together.
68. My preferences as a kid were usually ignored.
69. My birthdays were never well celebrated.
70. My siblings were not given preference over me.
71. My parents’ discipline was inconsistent.
72. My parents were financially stingy toward me.
73. There was no music in our home.
74. There was no laughter in my home growing up.
75. I couldn’t usually come to my parents and ask
for help.
76. I rarely had friends over to my house.
77. We rarely had fun together as a family.
78. We rarely played together as a family.
79. If I had a problem as a kid, I usually kept it to myself.
9-33
Client ID#: Date:
Gottman Emotional Abuse Questionnaire (EAQ)

Read each statement and check the appropriate TRUE or FALSE box.
TRUE FALSE
1. I have to do things to avoid my partner’s jealousy. q q
2. My partner tries to control who I spend my time with. q q
3. My partner repeatedly accuses me of flirting with other q q
people.
4. My partner is overly suspicious that I am unfaithful. q q
5. My partner acts like a detective, looking for clues that I’ve q q
done something wrong.
6. My partner keeps me from going places I want to go. q q
7. My partner threatens to take the money if I don’t do as I am q q
told.
8. My partner forcibly tries to restrict my movements. q q
9. My partner tries to control all my money. q q
10. My partner tries to control all my freedom. q q
11. My partner tries to convince other people that I’m crazy. q q
12. My partner has told me that I am sexually unattractive. q q
13. My partner insults my family. q q
14. My partner humiliates me in front of others. q q
15. My partner makes me do degrading things. q q
16. My partner intentionally does things to scare me. q q
17. My partner threatens me physically during arguments. q q
18. My partner warns me that if I keep doing something, violence q q
will follow.
19. My partner makes me engage in sexual practices I consider q q
perverse.
20. In bed, my partner makes me do things I find repulsive. q q
21. I feel pressured to have sex when I don’t want to. q q
22. My partner threatens to hurt someone I care about. q q
23. My partner intentionally damages things I care about. q q
24. My partner does cruel things to pets or other animals. q q
25. My partner threatens to hurt my children. q q
9-34
9-35
Client ID#: Date:
Control, Fear, Suicide Potential, and

Acts of Physical Aggression Questionnaires
CONTROL
In the past 6 months did your partner:
YES NO
1. Try to control your every move? q q
2. Withhold money, make you ask for money, or take your money? q q
3. Threaten to kill you? q q

4. Threaten to hurt your family, friends, or pets? q q
5. Refuse to take responsibility for violent behavior, putting the q q
blame on you?
6. Try to isolate you by keeping you away from your family or friends? q q
7. Stalk or harass you or someone else at work or elsewhere? q q
FEAR
People Who Fear Their Partner as a Potential Result of Therapy
YES NO
1. Are you afraid of your partner? q q
2. Are you uncomfortable talking in front of your partner? q q
3. Do you worry that therapy might lead to violence? q q
SUICIDE POTENTIAL
YES NO
1. Have you ever attempted suicide ? q q
2. Have you ever planned a suicide attempt ? q q
3. Are you currently thinking about suicide ? q q
How often? q Daily q Weekly
4. Does the following describe you at the moment?
“I would like to kill myself” q q
“I would kill myself if I had a chance” q q
5. Do you currently have a suicide plan? q q
9-36
Client ID#: Date:
ACTS OF PHYSICAL AGGRESSION

In the past 6 months has your partner:
Yes Yes No Comments
Without Injury With Injury
1. Slapped you?
2. Hit you?
3. Kicked you?
4. Bit you?
5. Scratched you?
6. Shoved you?
7. Tripped you?
8. Whacked you?
9. Knocked you down?
10. Twisted your arm?
11. Pushed you?
12. Pulled your hair?
13. Poked you?
14. Pinched you?
15. Strangled you?
16. Smothered you?
17. Karate chopped you?
18. Kneed you?
19. Stomped on you?
20. Slammed you?
21. Spit on you?
22. Threw an object at you?
23. Hit you with an object?
24. Threatened you with a weapon?
25. Used a weapon (gun, knife, etc.)
against you?
26. Forced you to have sex?
27. Raped you?
9-37
Client ID#: Date:
SCL-90
Below is a list of problems and complaints that people sometimes have. Please read
each one carefully. After you have done so, select one of the numbered descriptors
that best describes HOW MUCH THAT PROBLEM HAS BOTHERED OR DISTRESSED
YOU DURING THE PAST WEEK, INCLUDING TODAY. Circle the number in the space to
the right of the problem and do not skip any items. Use the following key to guide how
you respond:
Circle 0 if your answer is NOT AT ALL
Circle 1 if A LITTLE BIT
Circle 2 if MODERATELY
Circle 3 if QUITE A BIT
Circle 4 if EXTREMELY
Please read the following example before beginning:
Example: In the previous week, how much were you bothered by:
Backaches 0 1 2 3 4
In this case, the respondent experienced backaches a little bit (1).
Please proceed with the questionnaire.
MODERATELY
A LITTLE BIT
QUITE A BIT
NOT AT ALL
EXTREMELY
HOW MUCH WERE YOU BOTHERED BY:
1. Headaches 0 1 2 3 4
2. Nervousness or shakiness inside 0 1 2 3 4
3. Unwanted thoughts, words, or ideas that won’t leave your mind 0 1 2 3 4
4. Faintness or dizziness 0 1 2 3 4
5. Loss of sexual interest or pleasure 0 1 2 3 4
6. Feeling critical of others 0 1 2 3 4
7. The idea that someone else can control your thoughts 0 1 2 3 4
8. Feeling others are to blame for most of your troubles 0 1 2 3 4
9. Trouble remembering things 0 1 2 3 4
10. Worried about sloppiness or carelessness 0 1 2 3 4
11. Feeling easily annoyed or irritated 0 1 2 3 4
12. Pains in heart or chest 0 1 2 3 4
13. Feeling afraid in open spaces or on the streets 0 1 2 3 4
14. Feeling low in energy or slowed down 0 1 2 3 4
15. Thoughts of ending your life 0 1 2 3 4
16. Hearing voices that other people do not hear 0 1 2 3 4
17. Trembling 0 1 2 3 4
18. Feeling that most people cannot be trusted 0 1 2 3 4
19. Poor appetite 0 1 2 3 4
9-38
Client ID#: Date:
SCL-90 (continued)
MODERATELY
A LITTLE BIT
QUITE A BIT
NOT AT ALL
EXTREMELY
20. Crying easily 0 1 2 3 4

21. Feeling shy or uneasy with the opposite sex 0 1 2 3 4
22. Feeling of being trapped or caught 0 1 2 3 4
23. Suddenly scared for no reason 0 1 2 3 4
24. Temper outbursts that you could not control 0 1 2 3 4
25. Feeling afraid to go out of your house alone 0 1 2 3 4
26. Blaming yourself for things 0 1 2 3 4
27. Pains in lower back 0 1 2 3 4
28. Feeling blocked in getting things done 0 1 2 3 4
29. Feeling lonely 0 1 2 3 4
30. Feeling blue 0 1 2 3 4
31. Worrying too much about things 0 1 2 3 4
32. Feeling no interest in things 0 1 2 3 4
33. Feeling fearful 0 1 2 3 4
34. Your feelings being easily hurt 0 1 2 3 4
35. Other people being aware of your private thoughts 0 1 2 3 4
36. Feeling others do not understand you or are unsympathetic 0 1 2 3 4
37. Feeling that people are unfriendly or dislike you 0 1 2 3 4
38. Having to do things very slowly to insure correctness 0 1 2 3 4
39. Heart pounding or racing 0 1 2 3 4
40. Nausea or upset stomach 0 1 2 3 4
41. Feeling inferior to others 0 1 2 3 4
42. Soreness of your muscles 0 1 2 3 4
43. Feeling that you are watched or talked about by others 0 1 2 3 4
44. Trouble falling asleep 0 1 2 3 4
45. Having to check and double-check what you do 0 1 2 3 4
46. Difficulty making decisions 0 1 2 3 4
47. Feeling afraid to travel on buses, subways, trains 0 1 2 3 4
48. Trouble getting your breath 0 1 2 3 4
49. Hot or cold spells 0 1 2 3 4
Having to avoid certain things, places, or activities because they
50.
frighten you
0 1 2 3 4
51. Your mind going blank 0 1 2 3 4

52. Numbness or tingling in parts of your body 0 1 2 3 4
53. A lump in your throat 0 1 2 3 4
54. Feeling hopeless about the future 0 1 2 3 4
55. Trouble concentrating 0 1 2 3 4
9-39
Client ID#: Date:
SCL-90 (continued)
MODERATELY
A LITTLE BIT
QUITE A BIT
NOT AT ALL
EXTREMELY
56. Feeling weak in parts of your body 0 1 2 3 4

57. Feeling tense or keyed up 0 1 2 3 4
58. Heavy feelings in your arms or legs 0 1 2 3 4
59. Thoughts of death or dying 0 1 2 3 4
60. Overeating 0 1 2 3 4
61. Feeling uneasy when people are watching or talking about you 0 1 2 3 4
62. Having thoughts that are not your own 0 1 2 3 4
63. Having urges to beat, injure, or harm someone 0 1 2 3 4
64. Awakening in the early morning 0 1 2 3 4
65. Having to repeat the same actions such as touching, counting, washing 0 1 2 3 4
66. Sleep that is restless or disturbed 0 1 2 3 4
67. Having urges to break or smash things 0 1 2 3 4
68. Having ideas or beliefs that others do not share 0 1 2 3 4
69. Feeling very self-conscious with others 0 1 2 3 4
70. Feeling uneasy in crowds, such as shopping or at a movie 0 1 2 3 4
71. Feeling everything is an effort 0 1 2 3 4
72. Spells of terror or panic 0 1 2 3 4
73. Feeling uncomfortable about eating or drinking in public 0 1 2 3 4
74. Getting into frequent arguments 0 1 2 3 4
75. Feeling nervous when you are left alone 0 1 2 3 4
76. Others not giving you proper credit for your achievements 0 1 2 3 4
77. Feeling lonely even when you are with people 0 1 2 3 4
78. Feeling so restless you couldn’t sit still 0 1 2 3 4
79. Feelings of worthlessness 0 1 2 3 4
80. Feeling that familiar things are strange or unreal 0 1 2 3 4
81. Shouting or throwing things 0 1 2 3 4
82. Feeling afraid you will faint in public 0 1 2 3 4
83. Feeling that people will take advantage of you if you let them 0 1 2 3 4
84. Having thoughts about sex that bother you a lot 0 1 2 3 4
85. The idea that you should be punished for your sins 0 1 2 3 4
86. Feeling pushed to get things done 0 1 2 3 4
87. The idea that something serious is wrong with your body 0 1 2 3 4
88. Never feeling close to another person 0 1 2 3 4
89. Feelings of guilt 0 1 2 3 4
90. The idea that something is wrong with your mind 0 1 2 3 4
Reference: Derogatis, L.R., Lipman, R.S., & Covi, L. (1973). SCL-90: An outpatient psychiatric rating scale—Preliminary
Report. Psychopharmacol. Bull. 9, 13–28.
9-40
9-41
Client ID#: Date:

YES NO
1. Have you felt you ought to cut down on your drinking or drug use?
2. Have people annoyed you by criticizing your drinking or drug use?
3. Have you felt bad or guilty about your drinking or drug use?
4. Have you ever had a drink or used drugs first thing in the morning to
steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover (eye-opener)?

Carefully read each statement and decide if your answer is “Yes” or “No”. Then check
the appropriate box beside the question.
Please answer every question. If you have difficulty with a statement, then choose the
response that is mostly right.
YES NO
1. Do you feel that you are a normal drinker?
2. Do friends or relatives think you are a normal drinker?
3. Have you ever attended a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)?
4. Have you ever lost friends or girlfriends/boyfriends because of your

drinking?
5. Have you ever gotten into trouble at work because of your drinking?
6. Have you ever neglected your obligations, your family, or your work for
two or more days in a row because you were drinking?
7. Have you ever had delirium tremens (DTs), severe shaking, after heavy
drinking?
8. Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your drinking?
9. Have you ever been in a hospital because of drinking?
10. Have you ever been arrested for drunken driving, or driving after
drinking?
9-42
9-43
9.2. The Gottman Relationship Checkup

www.gottmanconnect.com
You can now invite your couples to use the Gottman Assessment Questionnaires in a
digital format! Our new, online relationship assessment tool not only automatically
scores your couples’ strengths and challenges, it also provides you with detailed clinical
feedback and a suggested treatment plan with specific recommendations for intervention.
To learn more, visit www.gottmanconnect.com.
9-44
9-45
9.3. Core Assessment Scoring and Interpretation

Sound Relationship House Assessment 5-Item Scale Scoring & Interpretation9-49
Brief Michigan Alcohol Screening Test (b-MAST) Scoring &
Interpretation Instructions��9-58
Interpretation Guidelines�� 9-60
Gottman Assessment Scoring Summary�� 9-61
9-46
9-47
Locke-Wallace Relationship Adjustment Test

Scoring & Interpretation
Circle the dot on the scale line that best describes the degree of happiness, everything
considered, of your present relationship. The middle point “happy” represents the de-
gree of happiness that most people get from their relationship, and the scale gradually
ranges on one side to those few who are very unhappy and, on the other, to those few
who experience extreme joy or felicity in their relationship.
0 2 7 15 20 25 35
l l l l l l l
Very Unhappy Happy Perfectly Happy
State the approximate extent of agreement or disagreement between you and your
partner on the following items. Please check each column.
Almost Almost
Always Always Occasionally Frequently Always Always
Agree Agree Disagree Disagree Disagree Disagree
1. Handling Family Finances 5 4 3 2 1 0

2. Matters of Recreation 5 4 3 2 1 0
3. Demonstration of Affection 8 6 4 2 1 0
4. Friends 5 4 3 2 1 0
5. Sex Relations 15 12 9 4 1 0
6. Conventionality (right, good, or 5 4 3 2 1 0
proper conduct)
7. Philosophy of Life 5 4 3 2 1 0
8. Ways of dealing with In-laws 5 4 3 2 1 0
For each of the following items, check one response:

9. When disagreements arise, they usually result in (a) me giving in 0
(b) my partner giving in 0 (c) agreement by mutual give and take 10
10. Do you and your partner engage in outside interests together?
(a) all of them 10 (b) some of them 8 (c) very few of them 3 (d) none of them 0
11. & 12. In leisure time, do you generally prefer: (a) to be “on the go” (b) to stay at home
Does your partner generally prefer: (a) to be “on the go” (b) to stay at home
(a) “on the go” for both 3 ; (b) stay at home for both 10 ; disagreement 2
13. Do you ever wish you had not committed to this relationship?
(a) frequently 0 (b) occasionally 3 (c) rarely 8 (d) never 15
14. If you had your life to live over again, do you think you would:
(a) commit to the same person 15 (b) commit to a different person 0
(c) not commit at all 1
15. Do you ever confide in your partner? (a) almost never 0 (b) rarely 2 (c) in most things 10 (d)
in everything 10
Locke-Wallace Relationship Adjustment Scale (<85 is cut-off) Score _____
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Weiss-Cerretto Relationship Status Inventory

Scoring:
Add up the number of items scored “True.”
Interpretation:
Cut-off is 4 or more.
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Sound Relationship House Assessment 5-Item Scale

General Interpretive Guidelines for the Sound Relationship House 5-Item Scale Assessment
Questionnaires
• ompare partners to examine discrepancies (for example, is one partner in negative sentiment
C
override and the other not?).
• specially examine Negative Sentiment Override, Emotional Disengagement and Loneliness,
E
and Flooding Questionnaires.
For the following scales: (SRH +)

• Love Maps
• Fondness and Admiration System
• Turning Toward or Away
• Accepting Influence
• Repair Attempts
• Compromise
• Shared Meaning: Rituals, Goals, Symbols and Meaning
Scoring:
Calculate a percentage for each Brief Sound Relationship House Questionnaire. Count the
number of true responses, divided by 5 and multiply by 100 (count # true/5 × 100) = Scale
Percentage.
Interpretation:
A rough guideline for understanding client’s scores is:
a) 0 to 60% Needs Improvement
b) 61 to 80% Marginal*
c) 81 to 100% Area of Strength
For the following scale: (SRH +)

• Quality of Sex, Romance and Passion in the Relationship Questionnaire
Scoring:
Count the number of questions scored in the desirable direction (the top of each of the two
responses), divide by 27 and multiply by 100 = Quality of Sex, Romance and Passion in the
Relationship Scale Percentage.
Interpretation:
c) 81 to 100% Area of Strength
* When marginal is scored, determine the need for intervention by closely evaluating other clini-
cal data.
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For the following scales: (SRH -)

• Negative Sentiment Override
• Harsh Start Up
• Gridlock on Perpetual Issues
• The Four Horsemen
• Flooding
• Emotional Disengagement and Loneliness
Scoring:
Calculate a percentage for each Brief Sound Relationship House Questionnaire. Count the
number of true responses, divided by 5 and multiply by 100 (count # true/5 × 100) = Scale
Percentage.
Interpretation:
a) 0 to 20% Area of Strength
c) 41 to 100% Needs Improvement
* When marginal is scored, determine the need for intervention by closely evaluating other clini-
cal data.
For the following scales:

• Trust
• Commitment
Scoring:
Trust: (21 items, 5 alternatives per item from Strongly Disagree to Strongly Agree; if you agree
there’s LOWER trust). Number of Items for which the answer was either Disagree or Strongly
Disagree divided by 21 × 100 = “Total Trust Score.” The clinician is to ask detailed questions
about items marked “Agree” or “Strongly Agree” during the Individual Relational Interview for
further evaluation
Commitment: (27 items, 5 alternatives per item from Strongly Disagree to Strongly Agree; if
you agree there’s MORE commitment). The number of items for which the response was either
Agree or Strongly Agree divided by 27 × 100 = “Total Commitment Score.” This questionnaire is
not scored. The clinician is to ask detailed questions about items marked “Disagree” or “Strongly
Disagree” during the Individual Relational Interview for further evaluation.
Interpretation:
b) 51-100% Area of Strength
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Gottman 19 Areas Checklist for Solvable and

Perpetual Problems in Your Relationship
Scoring:
1. Emotional distance problems:
Staying emotionally connected. Score 1 if they say they are becoming emotionally distant and
add one point for each sub-item they say is a problem. Total score then varies between 0 and
7. Score divided by 7 × 100 = “Emotional Distance Score.”
2. Handling stresses problems:
Score 1 if they say they have trouble handling stresses and add one point for each sub-item
they say is a problem. Total score then varies between 0 and 7. Score divided by 7 × 100 =
“Problems Handling Stress Score.”
3. Handling disagreements problems:
Score 1 if they say they are having problems handling disagreements and add one point for
each sub-item they say is a problem. Total score then varies between 0 and 7. Score divided by
7 × 100 = “Problems Handling Disagreements Score.”
4. Romance and passion problems:
Score 1 if they say they are having trouble with romance and passion and add one point for
each sub-item they say is a problem. Total score then varies between 0 and 7. Score divided
by 7 × 100 = “Problems in Romance & Passion Score.”
5. Sex problems:
Score 1 if they say overall this area is a problem and add one point for each sub-item they say
is a problem. Total score then varies between 0 and 7. Score divided by 7 × 100 = “Problems
with Sex Score.”
6. Handling major external events problems (e.g., job loss):
is a problem. Total score then varies between 0 and 7. Score divided by 7 × 100 = “Handling
External Events Score.”
7. Problems with children:
Handling Children Score.”
8. Problems with in-laws and other relatives:
with In-Laws Score.”
9. Flirtation, attracted to others & jealousy problems:
is a problem. Total score then varies between 0 and 7. Score divided by 7 × 100 = “Flirtation,
Attraction to Others and Jealousy Score.”
10. Recent affair problems:
Score 1 if they say overall this area is a problem and add one point for each sub-item they
say is a problem. Total score then varies between 0 and 11. Score divided by 11 × 100 =
“Problems with an Affair Score.”
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11. Unpleasant fights problems:

is a problem. Total score then varies between 0 and 7. Score divided by 7 × 100 = “Unpleasant
Fights Score.”
12. Basic values and life style problems:
say is a problem. Total score then varies between 0 and 7. Score divided by 7 × 100 = “Out of
Synch in Basic Values and Life Style Score.”
13. Problems with hard life events (violence, drugs, incarceration):
with Hard Life Event Score.”
14. Working as a team problems:
Working Well as a Team Score.”
15. Coping with issues of power problems (power struggles):
say is a problem. Total score then varies between 0 and 7. Score divided by 7 × 100 = “Power
Struggles Score.”
16. Handling finances problems:
Handling Finances Score.”
17. Having fun together problems:
Having Fun Together Score.”
18. Building community together problems:
with Community Score.”
19. Spiritual connection problems:
with Spiritual Connection Score.”
Interpretation:
a. 0 to 20% Area of Strength

b. 21 to 40% Marginal
c. 41 to 100% Needs Improvement
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The Three “Detour” Scales

Explanation: “Detour” means that the “standard” interventions may need to be interrupt-
ed to take a detour, much like when we are canoeing down a river and we encounter an
obstacle like a fallen log across the river, and we need to find another tributary to continue
our journey. This would be like encountering a client’s physiological flooding, anxiety or
anger management needs, alcohol or drug problems, and so on.
Scoring:
The three “detour” scales are not research based and are currently being used experimen-
tally. We therefore encourage you to examine these scales by individual item-by-item en-
dorsement. Nonetheless you can also score them to form overall impressions as follows:
1. Chaos: (15 yes/no items). Number of “yes” responses divided by 15 × 100 = “Total
Chaos Score.”
2. Meta-emotion: (45 items, 5 alternatives per item from Strongly Disagree to
Strongly Agree) Count the number of items that are rated either Agree or Strongly
Agree and then divide by 45 × 100 = “Total Emotion Dismissing Score.”
3. Family History: (79 items, 5 alternatives per item from Strongly Disagree to
Strongly Agree). Count the number of items that are rated either Agree or Strongly
Agree and then divide by 79 × 100 = “Traumatic Family History Score.”
Interpretation:
For Chaos scores, the following is a rough interpretive guideline:
a) 0 to 20% Area of Strength

b) 21 to 40% Marginal
c) 41 to 100% Needs Improvement
For Meta-Emotion scores, the following is a rough interpretive guideline:
a) 0 to 20% Not Emotion Dismissing

b) 21 to 100% Emotion Dismissing
For Family History scores, the following is a rough interpretive guideline:
a) 0 to 15% Mild negativity / Positive Family History

b) 15 to 100% Ask Questions About Traumatic Family History
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Emotional Abuse Questionnaire (EAQ)

Scoring: 25 items.
1. Jealousy: Items 1, 3, and 4. Count the number of items for which the score was True.
2. Social Isolation: Items 2, 5, 6, and 10. Count the number of items for which the
score was True.
3. Social Control: Items 7, 8, and 9. Count the number of items for which the score
was True.
4. Gaslighting: Item 11. Yes on “being Gaslighted” if the response to this items was
True.
5. Humiliation: Items 12, 13, and 14. Count the number of items for which the score
was True.
6. Sexual Coercion: Items 15, 19, 20, and 21. Count the number of items for which the
score was True.
7. Threat Or Property Damage: Items 16, 17, 18, 22, 23, 24, and 25. Count the number
of items for which the score was True.
8. Total Emotional Abuse Score: All items. Count the total number of items marked
True.
Interpretation:
If on any scale, an item is marked True, this is an area of concern.
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Control, Fear, Suicide Potential, and

Acts of Physical Aggression Questionnaires
Scoring
These questionnaires are not scored. The clinician is to ask detailed questions about items
marked “Yes” during the Individual Relational Interview in order to assess the nature
and extent of physical violence in the couple’s relationship. The results of the interview
determine the appropriateness of couple’s therapy, inform the treatment plan if therapy is
indicated, and help determine an alternative treatment plan if couples therapy is contrain-
dicated (which may include the formulation of a safety plan if the victim is in danger).
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SCL-90
Scoring & Interpretation Instructions
For each scale:
1. Enter the client’s scores from the questionnaire next to the question number on the score sheet.
2. Add the scores to obtain a Total Raw Score.
3. Divide the Total Raw Score by the number of questions to obtain the Adjusted Mean Score.
4. Compare the Adjusted Mean Score with the Clinical Cutoff Score. If the Adjusted Mean Score is
higher than the Clinical Cutoff Score, that scale is clinically significant.
5. For scales that are significant (or nearly significant), review the client’s responses to specific questions
to gain a clearer understanding. It is often very useful to ask the client what they were thinking when
they answered these specific questions. It is also helpful to quickly scan the questionnaire for items
that are strongly endorsed. This is a screening instrument and is intended to supplement and not
replace clinical, evaluative, and diagnostic skills. It can alert the therapist to areas that need further
attention.
Mean Score
Total Raw
Adjusted
Clinical
Cutoff
Score
Score
÷
Somatization (Perceptions of bodily dysfunction)
1___4___12___27___40___42___48___49___52___53___56___58 12 1.23
Obsessive–Compulsive
3___9___10___28___38___45___46___51___55___65 10 1.18
Interpersonal Sensitivity (Feelings of inadequacy and inferiority)
6___21___34___36___37___41___61___69___73 9 0.96
Depression
5___14___15___20___22___26___29___30___31___32___54___71___79 13 1.50
Anxiety
2___17___23___33___39___57___72___78___80___86 10 1.24
Hostility
11___24___63___67___74___81 6 0.83
Phobic Anxiety
13___25___47___50___70___75___82___ 7 0.69
Paranoid Ideation
8___18___43___68___76___83 6 1.32
Psychoticism
7___16___35___62___77___84___85___87___88___90 10 0.76
Additional Items to Note:

Thoughts of ending your life (15)
Poor appetite (19)
Trouble falling asleep (44)
Thoughts of death or dying (59)
Overeating (60)
Having urges to beat, injure or harm someone (63)
Awakening in the early morning (64)
Sleep that is restless or disturbed (66)
Feelings of guilt (89)
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The CAGE-AID is self-administered. All questions are to be answered with “YES” or
“NO” answers only.
Scoring:
Each “YES” answer equals one (1) point.
Interpretation:
2/4 or greater = positive CAGE, further evaluation is indicated
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Scoring & Interpretation Instructions
Scoring:
YES NO
1. Do you feel that you are a normal drinker? 0 2
2. Do friends or relatives think you are a normal drinker? 0 2
3. Have you ever attended a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)? 5 0
4. Have you ever lost friends or girlfriends/boyfriends because of your 2 0
drinking?
5. Have you ever gotten into trouble at work because of your drinking? 2 0
6. Have you ever neglected your obligations, your family, or your work for 2 0
two or more days in a row because you were drinking?
7. Have you ever had delirium tremens (DTs), severe shaking, after heavy 2 0
drinking?
8. Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your drinking? 5 0
9. Have you ever been in a hospital because of drinking? 5 0
10. Have you ever been arrested for drunken driving, or driving after 2 0
drinking?
Column totals (add points in each column)
b-MAST Score (Columns 1+2)
Interpretation:
Negative responses are alcoholic responses to questions 1 and 2.
b-MAST Degree of Problem Suggested

Score Alcohol Involvement Action
0-3 No problems reported None at this time
4 Suggestive of alcoholism Investigate further
5 or more Indicates alcoholism Full assessment
References:
Pokorny, A.D., Miller, B.A., Kaplan, H.B. (1972). The Brief MAST: A shortened version
of the Michigan Alcoholism Screening Test. American Journal of Psychiatry 129(3):
342-345.
Selzer, M.L. (1971) The Michigan Alcoholism Screening Test: The quest for a new
diagnostic instrument. American Journal of Psychiatry 27(12):1653-1658.
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9-60
Interpretation Guidelines
Area of Strength Marginal* Needs Improvement

SRH + 81 to 100% 61 to 80% 0 to 60%
SRH - 0 to 20% 21 to 40% 41 to 100%
Trust 51 to 100% 0 to 50%
Any items scored as Agree or Strongly Agree indicates need for further evaluation
Commitment 51 to 100% 0 to 50%

Any item scored as Disagree or Strongly Disagree indicates need for further evaluation
19 Areas 0 to 20% 21 to 40% 41 to 100%

* When marginal is scored, determine the need for intervention by closely evaluating other clinical data.
Three “Detour” Scales Area of Strength Marginal* Needs Improvement
• Chaos 0 to 20% 21 to 40% 41 to 100%
Not Emotion Dismissing Emotion Dismissing

• Meta-Emotion 0 to 20% 20% and more
Mild negativity / Positive Family

Indicates need for further evaluation
History
• Traumatic Family History 0 to 15% 15% and more
EAQ
If on any scale an item is marked True, this indicates an area of concern.
CAGE-AID
Score of 2/4 or greater indicates positive CAGE, need for further evalution
b-MAST
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Client ID#: Date:
Gottman Assessment Scoring Summary

Partner 1 Partner 2
Cut-off P1 P2 Three Detour Scales P1 P2

Locke-Wallace <85 Chaos
Weiss Cerretto >4 Meta-Emotion (Emotion Dismissing)
Family History (Traumatic History)
Sound Relationship House P1 P2
+ Love Maps Emotional Abuse (EAQ) P1 P2
+ Fondness & Admiration
Jealousy 1, 3, 4
+ Turning Towards or Away
- Neg. Sentiment Override Social Isolation 2, 5, 6, 10
- Harsh Start-up Social Control 7, 8, 9
+ Accepting Influence
Gaslighting 11
+ Repair Attempts
+ Compromise Humiliation 12, 13, 14
- Gridlock Sexual Coercion 15, 19-21
- Four Horsemen Threat or Property Damage 16-18, 22-25
- Flooding
- Emotional Disengagement Total Emotional Abuse Score
+ Sex, Romance & Passion
P1 P2
+ Shared Meaning - Rituals
+ Shared Meaning - Goals Control
+ Shared Meaning - Roles Fear
+ Shared Meaning - Symbols Suicide Potential
Trust
Acts of Physical Aggression
Commitment
Clinical
19 Areas Checklist P1 P2
SCL-90 Cut-off P1 P2
Staying Emotionally Connected
Handling Job & Other Stresses
Somatization So 1.23
Obsessive-Compulsive OC 1.18
Handling Disagreement
Interpersonal Sensitivity IS 0.96
Romance & Passion
Depression D 1.50
Sex Life
Anxiety A 1.24
Important & Traumatic Events
Anger-Hostility AH 0.83
Parenting Issues
Phobic Anxiety PA 0.69
In-laws or Relatives
Paranoid Ideation PI 1.32
Jealousy / Attracted to Others
Psychoticism Ps 0.76
Recent Affair
Q. 15 End Life
Unpleasant Fights
Q. 63 Urges to Harm
Basic Values & Goals
Q. 3 Unwanted Thoughts
Hard Life Events
Work as a Team Drug & Alcohol Screening P1 P2
Power & Influence CAGE AID
Finances
b-MAST
Fun Together
Building Community
Spirituality
Notes:
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9.4. Supplemental Assessment Questionnaires

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Client ID#: Date:
Gottman Areas of Strength Checklist

These items below represent potential areas of strength in a relationship. If the item
reflects an area that is already a strength in your relationship, circle that item’s number
and skip to the next item.
For each item reflecting an area which is not a strength, circle a number from 1 to 5 to
indicate just how important it is to strengthen that part of your relationship. If you think
it is very important to build strength in that area, circle a 5. If you think that it is not
important to build strength in that area, circle a 1.
Circle item number if Already a Strength Needs Strengthening

Not Important 1.....5 Very Important
1. We have very good communication. 1 2 3 4 5
2. We have a satisfying sex life. 1 2 3 4 5
3. We allow one another a lot of independence. 1 2 3 4 5
4. Our home is pretty well-organized. 1 2 3 4 5
5. We are both very involved in this relationship and are a great team. 1 2 3 4 5
6. We both help out with household chores. 1 2 3 4 5
7. We have good relationships with our families. 1 2 3 4 5
8. We have similar beliefs in basic values and goals in life. 1 2 3 4 5
9. We have similar ideas about how to have a good time and enjoy life. 1 2 3 4 5
10. We are very good friends. 1 2 3 4 5
11. My partner gives me no reason for feeling jealous. 1 2 3 4 5
12. We are very good at helping each other in reducing stress. 1 2 3 4 5
13. I feel respected in this relationship. 1 2 3 4 5
14. I feel loved in this relationship. 1 2 3 4 5
15. I like what I am like in this relationship. 1 2 3 4 5
16. We admire one another. 1 2 3 4 5
17. I feel fairly confident we could handle any problem we might face together. 1 2 3 4 5
18. I feel secure in this relationship. 1 2 3 4 5
19. We get along well with our in-laws. 1 2 3 4 5
20. We share similar views about basic religious or philosophical issues. 1 2 3 4 5
21. We agree on issues related to children. 1 2 3 4 5
22. We have similar views about money. 1 2 3 4 5
23. We manage pretty well with the daily stresses of our jobs. 1 2 3 4 5
24. We have a lot of fun in life. 1 2 3 4 5
25. My partner knows and understands me. 1 2 3 4 5
26. I have all the independence I need. 1 2 3 4 5
27. I like where we are going in the future. 1 2 3 4 5
28. Our lives together have purpose and meaning. 1 2 3 4 5
29. We have a sense of adventure in our lives. 1 2 3 4 5
30. We both try very hard to be good parents and have good relationships with
1 2 3 4 5
our children.
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The Distance and Isolation Questionnaires - Overview

The Gottman-Krokoff Distance and Isolation scales form a cascade toward divorce.
This cascade is described in the book What Predicts Divorce? The cascade is as follows:
Flooding (feeling emotionally upset and disorganized by the way one’s partner expresses
dissatisfactions with the relationship and brings up issues); viewing one’s relationship
problems as quite severe (Knox Problem Inventory severity scores, or Gottman Areas of
Change Checklist); believing that it is unproductive to try to resolve these problems with
one’s partner; increasingly arranging one’s lives “in parallel,” so the two partners do less
and less together; and loneliness in the relationship. Scoring Instructions follow.
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Client ID#: Date:
Self-Test: Flooding
Read each statement and fill in the appropriate TRUE or FALSE bubble.
TRUE FALSE
1. Our discussions get too heated. m m
2. I have a hard time calming down. m m
3. One of us is going to say something we will regret. m m
4. My partner gets too upset. m m
5. After a fight, I want to keep my distance. m m
6. My partner yells unnecessarily. m m
7. I feel overwhelmed by our arguments. m m
8. I can’t think straight when my partner gets hostile. m m
9. I think to myself, “Why can’t we talk more logically?” m m
10. My partner’s negativity often comes out of nowhere. m m
11. There’s often no stopping my partner’s temper. m m
12. I feel like running away during our fights. m m
13. Small issues suddenly become big ones. m m
14. I can’t calm down very easily during an argument. m m
15. My partner has a long list of unreasonable demands. m m
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Client ID#: Date:
Self-Test: Do You Lead Parallel Lives?

TRUE FALSE
1. We don’t eat together as much as we used to. m m
2. Sometimes it seems we are roommates rather than a couple. m m
3. We have fewer friends in common than we used to. m m
4. We seem to do a lot more things separately. m m
5. It seems that we have fewer and fewer interests in common. m m
6. Sometimes we can go for quite a while without ever talking m m
about our lives.
7. Our lives are more parallel than connected. m m
8. We often don’t talk about how our separate days went. m m
9. We don’t spend very much time together anymore. m m
10. We spend a lot of our free time apart. m m
11. We don’t set aside much time just to talk. m m
12. I don’t think we know each other very well anymore. m m
13. We don’t have dinner together very much anymore. m m
14. We rarely go out on dates together. m m
15. A lot of good times these days are with people other than each m m
other.
16. We seem to be avoiding each other. m m
17. We are like two passing ships, going our separate ways. m m
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Client ID#: Date:
Self-Test: How Lonely is Your Relationship?
TRUE FALSE
1. Being in a relationship is a lot lonelier than I thought it would be. m m
2. We’re not as close as I wish we were. m m
3. I feel an emptiness in this relationship. m m
4. I often feel bored when we do things together. m m
5. I feel very restless and sad even when we’re together. m m
6. Lots of times I don’t know what to do with myself. m m
7. At times I feel bored and restless in this relationship. m m
8. I long for someone I can be close to. m m
9. I feel so lonely it hurts. m m
10. Something is missing from my relationship. m m
11. I wish that people would call me more often. m m
12. I often wish I had someone to be with. m m
13. I don’t feel that I’m an important part of someone’s life. m m
14. I don’t feel that I belong to anyone. m m
15. I often feel emotionally isolated. m m
16. I feel abandoned in this relationship. m m
17. There is no one I can turn to. m m
18. I often feel left out. m m
19. No one knows me. m m
20. No one understands me. m m
21. There is often no one I can talk to. m m
22. I often feel a great need for companionship. m m
23. I have become very withdrawn in this relationship. m m
24. I feel disconnected. m m
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Client ID#: Date:
Areas of Disagreement
Instructions: This form contains a list of topics that many couples disagree about. We
would like to get some idea of how much you and your spouse disagree about each
area.
In the first column, please indicate how much you and your spouse disagree by placing
a number from 0 to 100 next to each item. A zero indicates that you don’t disagree at
all, and a 100 indicates that you disagree very much.
0. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100
Not at all Very much
In the second column, please write down the number of years, months, weeks, or days that this has
been an area of disagreement.
Example
We disagree about . . . How Much? How Long?
Alcohol and Drugs 90 2½ years
We disagree about . . . How Much? How Long?

1. Money and Finances
2. Communication
3. In-laws and Kin
4. Sex
5. Religion
6. Recreation and Having Fun
7. Friends
8. Alcohol and Drugs
9. Children
10. Jealousy
11. Lifestyle
12. Philosophy of Life
13. Basic Values
14. Our Goals
15. Emotional Expression
16. Issues of Power
17. Independence and Dependence
18. Household Chores and Childcare
19. Politics
20. Balancing Career and Family
21. Handling Stresses
Please feel free to write down any other areas of disagreement:
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Client ID#: Date:
Areas of Change Checklist: Solvable Problems

Circle a number of any item representing an area in your relationship that you think
requires some change. For each of these circled items, choose a number from 1
through 5 to indicate the severity of the problem in your view. If you think it is very
serious problem, circle a 5. If you think that it is only a small problem, circle a 1.
Small Problem 1-----2-----3-----4-----5 Major Problem
1. I would like us to talk to each other more. 1 2 3 4 5

2. I would like our sex life to become more satisfying. 1 2 3 4 5
3. I would like us to have more independence in this relationship. 1 2 3 4 5
4. I would like it if we were more organized. 1 2 3 4 5
5. I would like it if my partner spent more time with me. 1 2 3 4 5
6. Our problems center too much on doing household chores. 1 2 3 4 5
7. I do too much of the work. 1 2 3 4 5
8. I would like my partner’s relationships with our families to improve. 1 2 3 4 5
9. I would like us to go together to a place of worship. 1 2 3 4 5
10. I would like us to have more fun together on weekends. 1 2 3 4 5
11. I would like to have fewer problems with my jealousy. 1 2 3 4 5
12. I would like to have fewer problems with my partner’s jealousy. 1 2 3 4 5
13. I would like my partner to have fewer problems with alcohol and
1 2 3 4 5
drugs.
14. I would like us to have some more friends in common. 1 2 3 4 5
15. I would like to be consulted on important decisions. 1 2 3 4 5
16. I would like my partner to show more physical affection towards me. 1 2 3 4 5
17. I want us to go out on more “dates” together. 1 2 3 4 5
18. I would like my partner to watch less television and talk to me more
1 2 3 4 5
instead.
19. I want us to make love more often. 1 2 3 4 5
20. I want more help with the finances. 1 2 3 4 5
21. I would like to receive more appreciation for what I do. 1 2 3 4 5
22. There’s an extra-relationship affair that we need help getting over. 1 2 3 4 5
23. I would like for us to have fewer problems with in-laws. 1 2 3 4 5
24. I would like to get more support from my partner about in-law
1 2 3 4 5
problems.
25. I would like us to agree more about saving money. 1 2 3 4 5
26. I would like it if our lives were less chaotic. 1 2 3 4 5
27. I would like it if we had fewer disagreements about spending money. 1 2 3 4 5
28. I would like our lives to be less stressful. 1 2 3 4 5
29. I would like us to have more fun than we do. 1 2 3 4 5
30. We don’t have enough of a social life. 1 2 3 4 5
31. I would like us to talk over a major upcoming decision. 1 2 3 4 5
32. I don’t feel my partner listens to me when I am upset. 1 2 3 4 5
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Client ID#: Date:
Solvable Problems (continued)

33. I don’t feel supported in this relationship. 1 2 3 4 5
34. I don’t feel that my partner is very affectionate. 1 2 3 4 5
35. We don’t take enough vacations. 1 2 3 4 5
36. I would like us to have a child (or another child). 1 2 3 4 5
37. I would like my partner’s relationships with our children to improve. 1 2 3 4 5
38. You supply: 1 2 3 4 5
39. You supply: 1 2 3 4 5
9-79
Client ID#: Date:
Innocent Victim and Righteous Indignation Scale

Fill out this scale while thinking about your last argument with your partner.
DURING OUR LAST DISCUSSION: TRUE FALSE

1. I felt hurt. m m
2. I felt misunderstood. m m
3. I thought, “I don’t have to take this.” m m
4. I felt innocent of blame for this problem. m m
5. I thought to myself, “Just get up and leave.” m m
6. I was scared. m m
7. I was angry. m m
8. I was worried. m m
9. I felt disappointed. m m
10. I wanted my feelings to get some attention here. m m
11. I felt unjustly accused. m m
12. I thought, “My partner has no right to say those things.” m m
13. I felt down. m m
14. I felt sad. m m
15. I was frustrated. m m
16. I felt personally attacked. m m
17. I wanted to strike back. m m
18. I felt like I was warding off a barrage. m m
19. I felt like getting even. m m
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9.5. Supplemental Assessment Scoring and Interpretation

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Gottman Areas of Strength Checklist

This checklist is not scored but is used to explore perceived and desired areas of strength
in the relationship.
The Distance and Isolation Questionnaires

Scoring
SELF-TEST: FLOODING
Scoring:
If a person answered “yes” to more than eight statements, this is a strong sign that that
person is prone to feeling flooded during conflict with the spouse. Because this state
can be harmful to the relationship, it is important to have people let the spouse know
how flooded the person is feeling. The antidote to flooding is to practice soothing one’s
self and the partner. This will help change how people perceive their partner’s negative
reactions. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by the spouse’s angry tone or words, get them
to try to see them simply as an underliner—a way for the partner to emphasize something
he or she is feeling rather than as a personal attack.
Scoring Feedback to Client:

If you answered “yes” to more than eight statements, this is a strong sign that you are prone
to feeling flooded during conflict with your partner. Because this state can be harmful to
your relationship, it’s important to let your spouse know how you are feeling. The antidote
to flooding is to practice soothing yourself and your partner. This will help change how
you perceive your partner’s negative reactions. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by your
partner’s angry tone or words, try to see them simply as an underliner—a way for your
partner to emphasize something he or she is feeling rather than as a personal attack.
SELF-TEST: DO YOU LEAD PARALLEL LIVES?

Scoring:
If the person answered “yes” to five or more of the statements, then they may well be
leading parallel lives. Realizing that the situation has deteriorated to this extreme is the
first step toward rediscovering one other. Accesses the extent to which the couple has
already arranged their lives to be more parallel (they don’t eat together as much, etc.).

If you’ve answered “yes” to five or more of the statements, then you may well be leading
parallel lives. Realizing that the situation has deteriorated to this extreme is the first step
toward rediscovering one another.
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SELF-TEST: HOW LONELY IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

Scoring:
If a person has answered “yes” to eight or more of the questions, this person may have
reached the end of the Distance and Isolation Cascade. Feeling lonely in the relationship
makes a couple vulnerable to having an affair, if this hasn’t already occurred. Research
suggests that it also makes the couple more likely to be become ill, especially for males.

If you’ve answered “yes” to eight or more of the statements, you may have reached the end
of the “Distance and Isolation Cascade.” Feeling lonely in a relationship makes a couple
vulnerable to having affairs, if this hasn’t already occurred. Research also suggests that it
makes a couple more likely to become ill.
AREAS OF DISAGREEMENT
SCORING:
This questionnaire is not formally scored.
AREAS OF CHANGE CHECKLIST: SOLVABLE PROBLEMS
SCORING:
INNOCENT VICTIM AND RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION SCALE

SCORING:
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9.6. Reliability and Validity of the Gottman Sound

Relationship House Scales
By John Gottman, Ph.D.
The Sound Relationship House (SRH) Scales were designed based on the theory pro-
posed originally in the book The Relationship Clinic (Gottman, 1999). They were de-
signed to measure each of the following 16 constructs of the theory:
Friendship & Intimacy
• Love Maps
• Fondness and Admiration
• Turning Toward or Away
• Emotional Distance and Loneliness
Conflict
• Harsh Startup
• Compromise
Conflict Processes
• Flooding
• Effective Repair Attempts
Meaning
• Shared Meaning Rituals

• Shared Meaning Roles
• Shared Meaning Goals
• Shared Meaning Symbols
The enormous difficulty obtaining a PROFILE of relationship functioning
The questionnaires were designed to obtain a profile of a couple’s relationship instead of

a global satisfaction or happiness score. Beginning in 1938 with Terman et al.’s classic
study on marital happiness, sociologists realized that just about any dimension of a mar-
9-86
riage that was assessed with self-report measures tended to load on only one single factor.
They began to conclude that there were two halo effects creating this global unidimen-
sionality of marital self-report measures. The first halo effect was that people in unhappy
marriages tended to endorse almost any negative statement about their partner; the second
halo effect was that people in happy marriages tended to endorse almost any positive
statement about their partner (Burgess, Locke, & Thomes, 1971). These two halo effects
combined to create a one-factor solution for any combination of self-report measures of
marital relationships.
Needless to say, a uni-dimensional assessment of a relationship is particularly useless for

a clinician. It stands to reason that most couples coming for relationship therapy will not
be very surprised by the conclusion that they are unhappy. Nor will such an assessment
help to instill confidence in the clinician’s powers of observation, deduction, or clinical
acumen. Thus, for clinical uses alone, creating a set of self-report measures of a relation-
ship that gave a profile of the relationship was an obvious goal.
The design of the Sound Relationship House theory followed from the longitudinal stud-
ies of marriages and same-sex relationships conducted by Gottman and his colleagues
over a period of 27 years before the publication of The Relationship Clinic. These studies
replicated an ability of a particular set of variables to predict the longitudinal course of a
relationship, particularly stability and happiness. These variables were obtained from the
following data sources: (1) Specific Affect (SPAFF) Coding of a couple’s conflict discus-
sion of an area of major continuing disagreement; (2) Buehlman Oral History Interview
(OHI) coding of a couple’s history and philosophy of their relationship; (3) their auto-
nomic physiology during their interaction.
There were some obvious limitations in the SRH scales. In particular, although the SRH
scales appeared to be clinically useful, there was no way of knowing if a profile were
simply mapping people’s perception of the relationship, or if they were actually valid.
Also, the scales contained many items, which made the scales have high Cronbach alpha
(internal consistency) reliability (Ryan & Gottman, unpublished). This high number of
items is useful for research purposes, and they are helpful in clinical assessment of a
relationship, but many of our Relationship Clinics clinicians thought that the scales were
unwieldy for clinical use, because they required so much time for the couple to complete,
and they also required so much time for the clinician to analyze.
Our First Study
Participants in Study 1 were 51 couples taking a two-day workshop in marital com-

munication. They filled out the Sound Relationship House questionnaires (SRH), the
Locke-Wallace, the Symptom Checklist SCL-90 (Derogatis, Lipman, & Covi, 1973), the
Weiss Cerreto Marital Status Inventory, which measures persistent thoughts and actions
about divorce (Weiss & Cerreto, 1980). They received no subject fees. Husbands were an
average of 45.3 years old (SD = 8.8), had education college plus .1 years graduate work,
earned an average of $80,800, and wives were an average of 43.7 years old (SD = 8.5),
and had education of 3.7 years of college, and earned an average of $67,200. The sample
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of husbands was 91.5% Caucasian, 1.5% African-American, 1.5% Asian- American,

3.1% Hispanic-American, and 2.3% Native-American; wives were 92.1% Caucasian,
3.2% African-American, 3.2% Asian-American, 0% Hispanic-American, and 1.6%
Native-American. The mean Locke-Wallace scores were: husband 66.69 (SD=15.71),
wife 72.16 (SD=16.36).
The following scales were administered to these couples. In the area of friendship
Love Maps (20 items, sample item: I know my partner’s current worries), Fondness and
Admiration (20 items, sample item: I am really proud of my partner), Turning Toward
(sample item: My partner is usually interested in hearing my views on things), and
Emotional Disengagement (20 items, sample item: Sometimes our marriage feels empty
to me).
In the area of Sex, Romance, and Passion (two 6-item scales from the 17-areas scale, the
Romance and Passion scale, and the sex problems scale. Sample romance item: The fire
has gone out of this marriage; sample sex item: One problem is the amount of love in our
love making).
I n the area of conflict: Harsh Startup (sample item: I hate the way my partner raises an
issue), Accepting Influence (20 items, sample item: I believe in lots of give and take in
our discussions), Compromise (20 items, sample item: In discussing issues we can usu-
ally find our common ground of agreement), The Four Horsemen (33 items, sample item:
I can get mean and insulting in our disputes), and Gridlock on Perpetual Issues (20 items,
sample item: The same problems keep coming up again and again in our marriage).
I n the area of shared meaning: Shared goals (10 items, sample item: We share many of
the same goals in our life together), shared roles (7 items, sample item: My partner and
I have compatible views about the role of work in one’s life), shared rituals (20 items,
sample item: During weekends we do a lot of things together that we enjoy and value
), and shared symbols (20 items, sample item: We see eye-to-eye about what a “home”
means).
There were also separate scales for Negative Sentiment Override (20 items, sample item:
In the recent past in my marriage: I felt innocent of blame for this problem), Flooding
(15 items, sample item: I have a hard time calming down), and Repair (20 items, sample
item: I can say that I am wrong).
he scales had the following Cronbach alphas for husband and wife, respectively, in the
T
area of friendship: Love Maps (.61, .59); Fondness and Admiration (.91,.91); Turning
Toward (.91, .90); and Emotional Distance (.91, .91); Sex, Romance, and Passion (.90,
.89). In the area of conflict: Harsh Startup (.93, .91); Accepting Influence (.39, .37);
Compromise (.62, .61); The Four Horsemen (.94, .93); and Gridlock on Perpetual Issues
(.91, .90). In the area of shared meaning: shared goals (.86, .72); shared rituals (.77, .76);
shared Roles (.45, .49), shared symbols (.85, .80). For the scales of Negative Sentiment
Override (.92, .92); Flooding (.89, .88); and Repair (.87, .87).
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he scales Accepting Influence, and Shared Meaning via Roles were deemed to have
T
reliabilities too low to be useful, unless combined with other scales. For data reduction
purposes, data from these scales were combined to form the seven constructs previously
described. The friendship score was the sum of the following scales: love maps, fondness
and admiration, turning toward, minus emotional distance. Sex, romance, and passion
was a combination of two 6-item scales. Destructive-to-constructive conflict was the sum
of the following scales: harsh startup, plus the four horsemen, and gridlock, minus ac-
cepting influence, and minus compromise; lower or more negative scores on this compos-
ite indicate constructive rather than destructive conflict. The shared meaning total score
was the sum of the four shared meaning scales, rituals, roles, goals, and symbols. The
final Cronbach alphas were, for husband and wife, respectively: Friendship: .95, .94; Sex,
romance and passion: .90, .89; Negative sentiment override: .92, .92; Destructive or con-
structive marital conflict (abbreviated as “destructive conflict”): .94, .94; Repair effective-
ness: .87, .87; Flooding: .89, .88; and Shared meaning total score: .93, .90.
he correlations of the SMH variables with SCL-90 total score and the Weiss-Cerreto are
T
summarized in Table 1. As can be seen from the table, as expected, the SMH variables all
correlate with these two established scales2.
Table 1. Validity check on the seven SMH variables.
Weiss-Cerreto SCL-90
Wife Flooding .33* -.31*
Wife Repair -.43** .35**
Wife NSO .25* -.37**
Wife Sex/Passion/Romance -.42** .44**
W Shared Meaning -.42** .38**
Wife Friendship -.41** .48***
Wife Destructive Conflict .40** -.48***
Husband Flooding .27* -.36**

Husband Repair -.41** .31*
Husband NSO .19 -.24
Husband Sex/Passion/Romance -.40** .33*
Husband Shared Meaning -.37** .41**
Husband Friendship -.43** .45***
Husband Destructive Conflict .33* -.38**
*p< .05; ** p< .01; *** p< .001. NSO = negative sentiment override.
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Thus, our initial reliability and validity study was conducted by John Gottman with Kim
Ryan. We tested the validity and reliability of the long form of the Sound Relationship
House Scales, examining their relationships with the Locke-Wallace (1959) Marital
Adjustment Test (MAT) – a widely used measure of relationship satisfaction, the Weiss-
Cerreto Marital Status Scale (MSI) – a widely used measure of the potential for relation-
ship breakup, and the SCL-90R, a widely-used measure of psychopathology. The Tables
below summarize the correlations for summary scores with the Locke-Wallace.
Husband Lock- Wallace

Husband Flooding -.42**
Husband Repair .62***
Husband Negative Sentiment Override -.47***
Husband Expansiveness .65***
Husband Shared Meaning .68***
Husband Friendship .70***
Husband Conflict -.71***
*p<.05; ** p<.01; *** p<.001
Wife Lock-Wallace
Wife Flooding -.36**
Wife Repair .58***
Wife Negative Sentiment Override -.45***
Wife Expansiveness .67***
Wife Shared Meaning .68***
Wife Friendship .70***
Wife Conflict -.66***
* p<.05; ** p<.01; *** p<.001
9-90
Cronbach Alphas (N=61 couples)
Cronbach alpha (a) represents one kind of reliability, called the “internal consistency reli-
ability” of a set of items. It is the most standard type of reliability reported. Low reliabili-
ties can be due to the scale measuring more than one thing (factor), or random error (that
is, poor measurement).
Scale Husband Wife

Love Maps .61 .58
Fondness & Admiration .90 .91
Turning Toward .90 .89
Negative Sentiment Override .92 .92
17-areas .77 .73
Harsh Startup .93 .89
Accepts Influence .39 .33
Repair .86 .88
Compromise .53 .50
Gridlock .91 .89
Four Horsemen .94 .91
Flooding .89 .86
Emotional Distance & Loneliness .89 .88
Shared Meaning Total .92 .89
I ndividual Shared Meanings Scales: Husband - Rituals .68, Roles .45, Symbols .85; Wife
- Rituals .80, Roles .73, Symbols .70.
Accepts Influence: We were worried about the low reliability of the Accepting Influence
scale; at the time of the first study. We also did not know if the scale had any validity.
Was it measuring anything of value? Was it measuring only how much influence people
thought they accepted? There may have been a lot of social desirability response bias in
this scale. The second study allayed our fears about that scale.
Our Second Study
Recently, we conducted a study with 130 couples going through the transition to parent-
hood in which we were able to obtain both SRH self-report data, as well as the predic-
tive domain variables from other methods of measurement (SPAFF and Buehlman Oral
History Coding --OHI). In each case specific predictions were made to test the validity of
the items. For example, do love maps on the five-item scales correlate with the Buehlman
Oral History Interview Coding? The following tables summarize these reliabilities and
validities for reduced 5-item scales. Our clinicians were asking for scales that took less
time for couples to complete.
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Overall 5-Item Scale Score Results Reliabilities (Cronbach Alphas)
We repeat that Cronbach alpha (a) represents one kind of reliability, called the “internal
consistency reliability” of a set of items. It is the most standard type of reliability re-
ported. Low reliabilities can be due to the scale measuring more than one thing (factor),
or random error (that is, poor measurement). The alpha is strongly affected by the number
of items. Longer scales usually have larger alphas; however, if the reduced set of items
measures a purer construct, the alpha could actually increase with fewer items (but this is
not too likely). The following are the Cronbach alpha reliabilities for the SRH scales. In
italics are the long-scale reliabilities.
• Love Maps (H a = .37; W a =.54) (H a = .52; W a =.68)

• Fondness and Admiration (H a = .67; W a =.81) (H a = .83; W a =.87)
• Turning Toward or Away (H a = .67; W a =.74) (H a = .83; W a =.87)
• Emotional Distance and Loneliness (H a = .78; W a =.85) (H a = .81; W a =.88)
Conflict
• Harsh Startup (H a = .76; W a =.75) (H a = .90; W a =.91)

• The Four Horsemen (H a = .70; W a =.76) (H a = .92; W a =.94)
• Gridlock on Perpetual Issues (H a = .65; W a =.72) (H a = .87; W a =.91)
• Accepting Influence (H a = .55; W a =.43) (H a = .75; W a =.75). Much better!
• Compromise (H a = .69; W a =.77) (H a = .75; W a =.73)
Conflict Processes
• Flooding (H a = .73; W a =.81) (H a = .88; W a =.90)

• Negative Sentiment Override (H a = .83; W a =.84) (H a = .92; W a =.93)
• Effective Repair Attempts (H a = .73; W a =.68) (H a = .85; W a =.82)
Meaning
• Shared Meaning Rituals (H a = .34; W a =.63) (H a = .60; W a =.74)

• Shared Meaning Roles (H a = .57; W a =.64) (H a = .49; W a =.68)
• Shared Meaning Goals (H a = .58; W a =.81) (H a = .70; W a =.85)
• Shared Meaning Symbols (H a = .59; W a =.57) (H a = .80; W a =.87)
• (Over all Meaning Scales H a = .87; W a =.93)
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VALIDITIES
The following tables present correlations across the entire sample. Only specific tables
are presented because these predictions were made in advance of examining the items.
(* p<.05; ** p<.01;***p<.001).
• Love Maps. 5-Item Questionnaires Love Maps with Oral History Love Maps
Oral History Interview Coding Love Map Score Husband Wife

H Love Maps .28*** .47***
W Love Maps .24** .32***
• Fondness and Admiration. 5-Item Questionnaires Fondness & Admiration with Oral
History Fondness & Admiration
Oral History Interview Coding F&A Score Husband Wife

H F&A .38*** .36***
W F&A .48*** .44***
• Turning Toward or Away. 5-Item Questionnaires Turning Toward with Oral History
We-ness
Oral History Interview Coding We-ness Score Husband Wife

H Turning Toward .48*** .49***
W Turning Toward .49** .51***
• Emotional Distance and Loneliness.
OHI Overall Negativity Husband Wife

H Emot Distance .37*** .39***
W Emot Distance .39*** .43***
Conflict
• Harsh Startup
SPAFF Neg/(Neg+Pos) Husband Wife
H Harsh Startup .18* .24**
W Harsh Startup .20* .32***
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SPAFF: Hcrit Hdefens Hcontempt HStone
H Four Horsemen .44*** .29*** .36*** .30***
W Four Horsemen .37*** .24** .32*** .30***
H Gridlock .36*** .24** .43*** .14
W Gridlock . 40*** .19* .19* .21*
SPAFF: Wcrit Wdefens Wcontempt Wstone

H Four Horsemen .47*** .26** .39*** .34***
W Four Horsemen .35*** .24** .22* .32***
H Gridlock .31*** .18* .39*** .47***
W Gridlock . 30*** .32*** .12 .15
H Accepting Influence -.25** -.26**
W Accepting Influence .21* -.40***

The Accepts Influence in its short form – the scale’s reliability and validity was demon-
strated. This made me feel better about the scale.
• Compromise
H Compromise -.15 -.22*
W Compromise -.26** -.39***
Conflict Processes
• Flooding
H Flooding .32*** 34***
W Flooding .23** .31***

SPAFF Overall Negative/ (Neg+Pos) Husband Wife
H NSO .27** 32***
W NSO .25** . .30***
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• Effective Repair Attempts

H Accepts Repair -.15 -.24**
W Accepts Repair .37*** -.41***
Meaning
• Shared Meaning Rituals

• Shared Meaning Roles
• Shared Meaning Goals
• Shared Meaning Symbols
OHI Overall Negativity

OHI Glorifying OHI Chaos
H Ritual .11 -.42***
W Ritual .09 -. 33***
H Roles .18* -.26**
W Roles .13 -.38***
H Goals .25** -.37***
W Goals .10 -.35***
H Symbols .12 -.33***
W Symbols .13 -.36***
The table above shows that there is a significant relationship between the shared meaning
scales and the Oral History Interview Chaos and Glorifying the Struggle scales.
Specific Processes Were Then Examined
Several process predictions were made to test the validity of the Sound Relationship
House Scales. One prediction was that high scores on the meaning scales would be relat-
ed to lower anger (particularly for men) and lower sadness (particularly for women). The
findings were that the meaning scales were related to anger and sadness for both genders,
but more clearly for women. The following table presents these results.
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Meaning Scale Scores and SPAFF Anger & Sadness
Meaning Scale H Anger H Sadness W Anger W Sadness

H Rituals -.12 .01 -.21* -.24**
W Rituals .04 .01 -.04 -.38***
H Roles -.08 .02 -.07 -.19*
W Roles -.06 .00 -.22** -.45***
H Goals -.41*** -.07 -.31*** -.21*
W Goals .01 .00 -.17* -.53***
H Symbols -.23** -.03 -.16 -.01
W Symbols -.15 .00 -.26** -.31***
Sadness and Anger and Emotional Disengagement and Loneliness
The following tables test the prediction that in conflict discussions SPAFF anger is higher
when people report also report being emotionally disengagement and lonely. The tables
below show that when people report being emotionally disengagement and lonely, both
people are more angry, but only the wife is more sad during conflict discussions.
Overall Scale Scores H Anger H Sadness W Anger W Sadness

H Emotional Disengagement .18* .04 .22* .12
W Emotional Disengagement .00 -.05 .22* .38***
The specific item correlations follow:
SPAFF Anger
Husband Scale Husband Wife
1. I often find myself disappointed (1) .28*** .20*
2. I will at times be quite lonely(3) .27** .14
3. Hard for my deepest feelings to get attention (4) .04 .15
4. There is not enough closeness between us (14) -.08 .13
5. I have adapted to a lot, not a good idea (17) .28** .19*
Wife Scale Husband Wife

1. I often find myself disappointed (1) .01 .20*
2. I will at times be quite lonely(3) .08 .19*
3. Hard for my deepest feelings to get attention (4) -.03 .13
4. There is not enough closeness between us (14) -.02 .26**
5. I have adapted to a lot, not a good idea (17) -.01 .05
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SPAFF Sadness
1.I often find myself disappointed (1) .05 .16
2.In will at times be quite lonely(3) .11 .06
3.Hard for my deepest feelings to get attention (4) .03 .11
4.There is not enough closeness between us (14) -.08 .16
5. I have adapted to a lot, not a good idea (17) .07 -.06

1.I often find myself disappointed (1) -.01 .35***
2.In will at times be quite lonely(3) -.07 .26**
3.Hard for my deepest feelings to get attention (4) -.04 .28***
4.There is not enough closeness between us (14) -.05 .25**
5. I have adapted to a lot, not a good idea (17) -.01 .44***
Physiological Variables
Many will be wondering about physiology. Unfortunately, physiology was not available
in this sample for the Time-1 interactions, due to equipment and software problems, but it
was available for the Time-3 interactions (when the babies were one year old), using lap-
top J&J Engineering technology, recorded in couples’ homes during conflict discussions
and synchronized with the video.
One interesting result was that the husband’s Four Horsemen (self-report, reduced scale)
at Time-1 was significantly predictive of lower wife vagal tone (r = -.23, p< .05) and
higher wife sympathetic nervous system arousal (r = .22, p< .05) at Time-3. These vari-
ables were both computed from the heart period spectrum at Time-3.
The purpose of this study was to conduct initial reliability and validity analyses for the
Sound Relationship House questionnaires.
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Specific Item Correlations with Validity Variables
The following tables present the individual item correlations with the SPAFF and Oral
History variables.
1. Love Maps
OHI Love Maps

1. I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams (4) .18* .27**
2. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least (7) .13 .25**
3. My partner familiar with my current stresses (10) . 20* .28***
4. I can list partner’s major aspirations and hopes (13) .13 .29***
5. I know my partner’s current worries (14) .12 .18*

1. I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams .10 .15
2. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least .16 .28**
3. My partner familiar with my current stresses .11 .05
4. I can list partner’s major aspirations and hopes .10 .13
5. I know my partner’s current worries .23** .30***
2. Fondness and Admiration
OHI Fondness
1.My partner really respects me (5) .30*** .38***
2.I feel loved and cared for (6) .22*** .28***
3.Romance is something we have (11) .23** .24**
4.Come into room partner glad to see me (17) .21* .24**
5. Partner appreciates what I do (18) .22* .17

1.My partner really respects me (5) .39*** .39***
2.I feel loved and cared for (6) .37*** .38***
3.Romance is something we have (11) .32*** .35***
4.Come into room partner glad to see me (17) .32*** .37***
5. Partner appreciates what I do (18) .35*** .41***
9-98
3. Turning Toward or Away
OHI We-ness
1.Really enjoy discussing things (5) .28*** .32***
2.Always have a lot to say to each other (10) .23** .21*
3.We have a lot of fun in everyday lives (11) .42*** .44***
4.A lot of interests in common (15) .34*** .30***
5. Like to do a lot of the same things (17) .32*** .39***

1.Really enjoy discussing things (5) .30*** .30***
2.Always have a lot to say to each other (10) .40*** .41***
3.We have a lot of fun in everyday lives (11) .34*** .39***
4.A lot of interests in common (15) .36*** .30***
5. Like to do a lot of the same things (17) .34*** .40***
4. Emotional Disengagement and Loneliness
OHI Disillusionment
1. I often find myself disappointed (1) .37*** .35***
2. I will at times be quite lonely(3) .39*** .36***
3. Hard for my deepest feelings to get attention .38*** .38***
(4)
4.There is not enough closeness between us (14) .45*** .45***
5. I have adapted to a lot, not a good idea (17) .33*** .39***

1. I often find myself disappointed (1) .40*** .43***
2. I will at times be quite lonely(3) .29*** .35***
3. Hard for my deepest feelings to get attention .42*** .39***
(4)
4.There is not enough closeness between us (14) .49*** .49***
5. I have adapted to a lot, not a good idea (17) .23** .18*
9-99
5. Harsh Startup
SPAFF: Hcrit Hdefens Hcontempt Hstone

Husband Scale
Arguments out of nowhere (3) .25** .15 .22* .21*
I get blamed (6) .18* .18* .16 .10
Spouse Crit My Personality (12) .10 .29** .24** .19*
Our Calm Is Shattered (18) .00 -.03 .07 .11
Partner’s Negativity Unnerv (19) -.02 .00 .05 .31***
Wife Scale
Arguments out of nowhere (3) .20* .12 .03 .13
I get blamed (6) .34*** .11 .24** .35***
Spouse Crit My Personality (12) .31*** .02 .10 .27**
Our Calm Is Shattered (18) .26** .13 .08 .27**
Partner’s Negativity Unnerv (19) .24** .15 .15 .20*
Husband Scale Wcrit Wdefens Wcontempt Wstone

Arguments out of nowhere (3) .26** .21* .16 .21*
I get blamed (6) .24** .05 .15 .19*
Spouse Crit My Personality (12) .25** .04 .29*** .33***
Our Calm Is Shattered (18) .06 .09 .01 .06
Partner’s Negativity Unnerv (19) .12 .04 .20* .07
Wife Scale
1.Arguments out of nowhere (3) .22** .23** .11 .05
2. I get blamed (6) .10 .22* .13 .04
3. Spouse Crit My Personality (12) .17* .28*** .15 -.05
4. Our Calm Is Shattered (18) .27** .10 .08 .04
5. Partner’s Negativity Unnerv (19) .24** .28*** .20* .07
9-100
6. Four Horsemen
SPAFF: Hcrit Hdefens Hcontempt Hstone

Husband Scale
1.I have to defend myself (4) .34*** .23** .25** .18*
2.Feel Unappreciated (5) .36*** .16 .29*** .00
3.Partner Doesn’t face issues (19) .34*** .18* .26** .25**
4.I am not guilty but accused (28) .25*** .30*** .21* .41***
5.Partner Not Rational(33) .23** .14 .20* .19*
Wife Scale
1.I have to defend myself (4) .25** .08 .17 .11
2.Feel Unappreciated (5) .36*** .16 31*** .19*
3.Partner Doesn’t face issues (19) .16 .21* .16 .07
4.I am not guilty but accused (28) .25** .20* .26** .44***
5.Partner Not Rational(33) .30*** .23** .26** .27**

1.I have to defend myself (4) .42*** .24** .26** .21*
2.Feel Unappreciated (5) .23** .23** .18* .31***
3.Partner Doesn’t face issues (19) .25** 0.04 .23** .27**
4.I am not guilty but accused (28) .39*** .18* .30*** 0.17
5.Partner Not Rational(33) .30*** .20* .34*** .20*
Wife Scale
1.I have to defend myself (4) .28*** .16 .26** .19*
2.Feel Unappreciated (5) .24** .26** .10 .16
3.Partner Doesn’t face issues (19) .23** .15 .05 .34***
4.I am not guilty but accused (28) .19* .20* .20* .27**
5.Partner Not Rational(33) .34*** .11 .21* .23**
9-101
7. Gridlock on Perpetual Issues
Hcrit Hdefens Hcontempt Hstone

Husband Scale
1.We Keep Hurting Each Other(3) .24** 0.12 .17* 0.09
2. Long List of Unreas Demands (5) .23** 0.14 .37*** .19*
3. Don’t feel respected (9) .29*** .29*** .34*** -0.04
4. Partner Acts Selfishly (10) .20* 0.01 .25** 0.06
5. Partner is totally right (20) 0.17 .24** .28** .18*
Wife Scale
1.We Keep Hurting Each Other(3) .36*** .17 .07 .15
2. Long List of Unreas Demands (5) .43*** -.01 .20* .35***
3. Don’t feel respected (9) .36*** .11 .16 .09
4. Partner Acts Selfishly (10) .26** .24** .16 .30***
5. Partner is totally right (20) .12 .10 .13 .00

1.We Keep Hurting Each Other(3) .06 .02 .10 .25**
2. Long List of Unreas Demands (5) .38*** .05 .33*** .39***
3. Don’t feel respected (9) .23** .24** .29*** .40***
4. Partner Acts Selfishly (10) .19* .16 .29*** .23**
5. Partner is totally right (20) .09 .27** .26** .23**
Wife Scale
1.We Keep Hurting Each Other(3) .37*** .34*** .11 .08
2. Long List of Unreas Demands (5) -.03 .16 -.03 -.03
3. Don’t feel respected (9) .18* .42*** .04 .08
4. Partner Acts Selfishly (10) .33*** .13 .18* .06
5. Partner is totally right (20) .10 .11 .06 .25**
9-102
8. Accepting Influence

Husband Scale
1.Want partner feel influential (4) -.38** -.40*** -.51*** -.12
2. Can listen to partner (5) -.10 -.14 -.22* -.15
3.Partner has common sense (6) -.20* -.13 -.05 -.21*
4.Don’t reject part’s opinions (9) -.17 -.26** -.14 -.12
5.Partner is great prob solver(15) -.27** -.21* -.24** -.17
Wife Scale
1.Want partner feel influential (4) .05 .05 .03 .05
2. Can listen to partner (5) -.25** -.16 -.24** -.19*
3.Partner has common sense (6) -.05 -.27** -.24** -.14
4.Don’t reject part’s opinions (9) -.12 .01 .25** .06
5.Partner is great prob solver(15) -.14 -.11 -.07 -.13

1.Want partner feel influential (4) -.39*** -.13 -.39*** -.90***
2. Can listen to partner (5) -.23* -.18* -.21* -.14
3.Partner has common sense (6) -.15 -.14 -.03 -.01
4.Don’t reject part’s opinions (9) -.18* .09 -.09 -.28***
5.Partner is great prob solver(15) -.09 -.13 -.10 -.18*
Wife Scale
1.Want partner feel influential (4) .02 .10 .03 .03
2. Can listen to partner (5) -.25** -.17 -.25** -.18*
3.Partner has common sense (6) -.37*** -.03 -.06 -.22*
4.Don’t reject part’s opinions (9) -.15 -.08 -.08 -.10
5.Partner is great prob solver(15) -.24** -.14 -.08 -.21*
9-103
9. Compromise
Percent Negative SPAFF

1.Usually Good at Resolving Differences (2) -.09 -.10
2.Meet each other half way (8) -.03 -.16
3.Find Common Ground (12) -.11 -18*
4.Not difficult for me to yield power (18) -.10 -.11
5. Give and Take in Decisions not a problem (19) -.18* -.19*

1.Usually Good at Resolving Differences (2) -.20* -.29***
2.Meet each other half way (8) -.20* -.31***
3.Find Common Ground (12) -.17* -.26**
4.Not difficult for me to yield power (18) -.18* -.32***
5. Give and Take in Decisions not a problem (19) -.18* -.23**
10. Shared Meaning Rituals

the Struggle
1.Reunions at End of Day are special (3) .01 -.36***
2.Weekends Do things we enjoy (6) .06 -.13
3.Enjoy vacations and travel together (10) .00 -.12
4.Good Time doing Errands together(12) -.21* .16
5.Can refresh when burned out or fatigued (13) .07 -.24**

the Struggle
1. Reunions at End of Day are special (3) -.06 -.09
2. Weekends Do things we enjoy (6) .08 -.21*
3. Enjoy vacations and travel together (10) .19* -.28***
4. Good Time doing Errands together(12) .08 -.24**
5. Can refresh when burned out or fatigued (13) .05 -.26**
9-104
11. Shared Meaning Roles

the Struggle
1. Similar Values as Lovers and Partners (14) .08 -.14
2. Compatible views about role of work (17) .04 -.04
3. Balancing Work and Family together (18) .24** -29***
4. Partner supports my basic missions in life (19) .15 -.12
5. Importance of family and kin (20) .07 -.13

the Struggle
1. Similar Values as Lovers and Partners (14) .16 -.32***
2. Compatible views about role of work (17) .12 -.30***
3. Balancing Work and Family together (18) .08 -.22*
4. Partner supports my basic missions in life (19) .10 -30***
5. Importance of family and kin (20) .02 -.16
12. Shared Meaning Goals

the Struggle
1. Old Age View Paths Had Merged Well (22) .18* -.19*
2. Partner Values My Accomplishments (23) .06 -.25**
3. Partner Honors My personal Goals (24) .13 -.29***
4. We have similar Financial Goals (26) .23** -.27**
5. Hopes and Aspirations Similar (28) .14 -.11

the Struggle
1. Old Age View Paths Had Merged Well (22) .09 -.33***
2. Partner Values My Accomplishments (23) .18* -.31***
3. Partner Honors My personal Goals (24) .04 -.23**
4. We have similar Financial Goals (26) .01 -.22*
5. Hopes and Aspirations Similar (28) .07 -.22*
9-105
13. Shared Meaning Symbols

the Struggle
1. Similar on what a home means (31) .15 -.20*
2. Similar Views about the role of sex (35) .01 -.21*
3. Similar Views on Love and Affection (36) .10 -.28***
4. The Meaning of Money (38) .04 -.01
5. The Meaning of Autonomy & Independence (44) .11 -.38***

the Struggle
1. Similar on what a home means (31) .06 -.22**
2. Similar Views about the role of sex (35) .02 -.24**
3. Similar Views on Love and Affection (36) .17* -.21*
4. The Meaning of Money (38) .13 -.22**
5. The Meaning of Autonomy & Independence (44) 02 -.22*
14. Negative Sentiment Override
SPAFF Positive/
(Negative+Positive)
1. Felt Innocent of Blame (3) .26** .19*
2. Felt Unjustly Accused (8) .26** .27**
3. Felt Personally Attacked (11) .14 .29***
4. Felt Unjustly Criticized (19) .15 .31***
5. Wanted the Negativity to Just Stop (20) .27** .20*
SPAFF Positive/
(Negative+Positive)
1. Felt Innocent of Blame (3) 21* .24**
2. Felt Unjustly Accused (8) .12 .23**
3. Felt Personally Attacked (11) .24** .20*
4. Felt Unjustly Criticized (19) .18* .30***
5. Wanted the Negativity to Just Stop (20) .28** .22*
9-106
15. Effective Repair Attempts
SPAFF Positive/
(Negative+Positive)
1. We are good at taking breaks (1) -.22* -.27**
2. Maintain Humor when arguing (2) .06 -.19*
3. Good listeners even when different views (8) -.04 -.15
4. When things get heated we can pull out of it (9) -.07 -.14
5. Partner can soothe me when I’m upset (10) -.17 -.13
SPAFF Positive/
(Negative+Positive)
1. We are good at taking breaks (1) -.08 -.13
2. Maintain Humor when arguing (2) .02 -.07
3. Good listeners even when different views (8) -.24** .37***
4. When things get heated we can pull out of it (9) -.26** -.23**
5. Partner can soothe me when I’m upset (10) -.28*** -.39***

9-107
16. Flooding

Husband Scale
1. Our Discussions Get Too Heated(1) .22** .15 .14 .13
2. Have hard time calming down (2) .24** .20* .20* .22*
3. One will say something to regret (3) .34*** .29*** .24** .22*
4. Why can’t we be logical? (9) .22* .19* .09 .13
5. Partner long list unreasonable (15) .26** .12 .27** .07
Wife Scale
1. Our Discussions Get Too Heated (1) .26** .11 .10* .20*
2. Have hard time calming down (2) .23** .17* .06 .22*
3. One will say something to regret (3) .34*** .28*** .21* .20*
4. Why can’t we be logical? (9) .31*** .27*** .14 .12
5. Partner long list unreasonable (15)
Wcrit Wdefens Wcontempt Wstone

Husband Scale
1. Our Discussions Get Too Heated (1) .12 .11 .18* .23**
2. Have hard time calming down (2) .11 .17 .04 .19*
3. One will say something to regret (3) .38*** .29*** .26** .23**
4. Why can’t we be logical? (9) .26** .30*** .25** .18*
5. Partner long list unreasonable (15) .26** .05 .23** .31**
Wcrit Wdefens Wcontempt Wstone

Wife Scale
1. Our Discussions Get Too Heated (1) .26** .11 .19* .20*
2. Have hard time calming down (2) .23** .17* .06 .22*
3. One will say something to regret (3) .34*** .28*** .21* .20*
4. Why can’t we be logical? (9) .31*** .27*** .14 .12
5. Partner long list unreasonable (15) .18* .11 .13 .34***
9-108
References
Bray, J. H. & Jouriles, E.N. (1995). Treatment of marital conflict and prevention of di-
vorce. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 21(4), 461-473.
Burgess, E.W., Locke, H.J., & Thomes, M.M. (1971). The family. New York: Van
Nostrand Reinhold.
Derogatis, L.R., Lipman, R.S, & Covi, L. (1973). The SCL-90: An outpatient psychiatric
rating scale – preliminary report. Psychopharmacology Bulletin, 9, 13-25.
Doherty, W. J. (1997). The Intentional Family. Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley. Gottman,

J.M. (1999). The Relationship Clinic. New York: Norton.
Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
New York, NY: Crown Publishers, Inc.
Locke, H.J., & Wallace, K.M. (1959). Short marital-adjustment and prediction tests:
Their reliability and validity. Marriage and Family Living, 21, 251-255.
Raush, H.L., Barry, W.A., Hertl, R.K., & Swain, M.A. (1974). Communication, conflict,
and marriage. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
Straus, M.A. (1986). Measuring intra-family conflict and violence: The Conflict Tactics
Scale (CTS). Journal of Marriage and the Family, 48, 466-479.
Terman, L.M., Buttenweiser, P., Ferguson, L.W., Johnson, W.B., & Wilson, D.P. (1938).
Psychological factors in marital happiness. Stanford, CA: Stanford University Press.
Weiss, R. L. & Cerreto, M., (1980). Marital status inventory: Development of a measure
of dissolution potential. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 8, 80-86.
10-1
10. Feedback Session and Treatment Planning

10.1. Feedback Session—Overview
In this session, give your summary evaluation of
the relationship: its strengths and the areas that need
improvement. Those are the only two summary categories.
Go through The Sound Relationship House for them, as
the organizing theory of your assessment, level by level.
Formulate these summaries by integrating the information
you got from their joint and individual narratives, the
videotape, the individual sessions, and the questionnaires.
Try to do the assessment in an orderly way so that it leads
naturally into treatment recommendations. Then ask them if
you have missed anything important, if they disagree with
anything you have said, or if they wish to add something to
your summary evaluation. Then lay out a recommendation
for treatment and a treatment plan that will give them some
idea of what they can expect, very generally, in terms of
time and cost, although mention that this is difficult to
determine exactly at this point.
Do not assume that they want to continue with you. Ask

them whether they feel there is enough trust and rapport
for you to continue. Give them every sense of permission
to say, “No.” You may explain that some shopping is often
necessary to find a good fit between therapist and couple.
If they wish to continue with you, move on to propose a

therapeutic contract so it is clear what you are going to
work on first.
10.2. The Sound Relationship House and The Gottman Theory

for Making Relationships Work
10.2.1. Build Love Maps
The first three levels of The To strengthen Love

Sound Relationship House (SRH) Maps g Ask open
ended questions.
constitute the friendship quadrant,
the foundation of a strong
relationship. The first level of the house is Love Maps.
This entails how well you know one another—how well
10-2
you know your partner’s inner psychological world, his or

her worries, stresses, joys, and dreams.
10.2.2. Share Fondness and Admiration
The second level of the house is

To strengthen Fondness
The Fondness and Admiration and Admiration g
System, which is the antidote Express appreciation
for contempt. This level focuses and respect.
on the amount of affection and
respect within a relationship.
10.2.3. Turn Towards
The third level is Turn Towards To strengthen Turning

in everyday moments. The small Towards g State your
moments of everyday life are needs and be aware of
bids and turn towards
actually the building blocks of them.
a relationship. A partner has the
opportunity to either turn towards,
turn away, or turn against a bid his or her partner makes.
A bid is a gesture—verbal or nonverbal—for some sort
of positive connection: conversation, humor, affection, or
support.
The quality of the Turning Towards and the vitality of the Emotional Bank
Account in a relationship determine whether you have a positive or a negative
perspective on your relationship.
The very small everyday moments in a relationship are

opportunities—opportunities for Turning Towards one
another, opportunities that can build up the Emotional Bank
Account.
10.2.4. The Positive Perspective
The first three levels determine If you find yourself

whether this level is positive or with a Negative
negative. This level is what it feels Perspective, you will
know that the first
like in the relationship. Whether it three stories of The
is positive or negative determines Sound Relationship
a lot of things, including the House need work.
presence of positive affect in
problem-solving discussions and
the success of repair attempts.
10-3
How to build Romance and Intimacy in a Relationship?
The surprising news is the first three levels of The Sound

Relationship House are the basis for Romance, Passion, and
Good Sex in the Relationship.
What builds romance are those everyday, small moments

in one’s relationship.
10.2.5. Manage Conflict
We use the term “managing” conflict rather than

“resolving” conflict because relationship conflict is natural
and it has functional, positive aspects. For example, it helps
us learn how to better love and understand our partners,
deal with change, and renew courtship over time. We try to
manage but not eliminate conflict.
A. Manage Conflict: Perpetual Problems
Our research revealed that 69 % of the time, when

couples were asked to talk about an area of continuing
disagreement, what they discussed was a perpetual issue.
These are problems that have to do with fundamental
differences between the partners, differences in personality
or needs that are fundamental to their core definitions of
self. These are issues without resolution that the couple
has often been dealing with for many years. They continue
to talk about the same issues, occasionally making some
progress, or at least the situation might get somewhat
better for a short time; but then, after a while, the problem
re-emerges. In each case, the discussion is an attempt to
establish a dialogue with the problem, which, admittedly,
will never go away nor be fully resolved.
Most Relational Conflict Are Not Resolvable
Dan Wile wrote in the book After the Honeymoon, in 1988,

that “choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems”
(p. 12). He noted that problems would be a part of any
relationship, and that a particular person would have some
set of problems no matter who that person married.
Paul married Alice, and Alice gets loud at parties, and

Paul, who is shy, hates that. But if Paul had married
Susan, he and Susan would have gotten into a fight
before they even got to the party. That’s because Paul
10-4
is always late, and Susan hates to be kept waiting. She

would feel taken for granted, which she is very sensitive
about. Paul would see her complaining about this as
her attempt to dominate him, which he is very sensitive
about. If Paul had married Gail, they wouldn’t have even
gone to the party because they would still be upset about
an argument they had the day before about Paul’s not
helping with the housework. To Gail, when Paul does
not help, she feels abandoned, which she is sensitive
about, and to Paul, Gail’s complaining is an attempt at
domination, which he is sensitive about. The same is true
about Alice. If she had married Steve, she would have
the opposite problem, because Steve gets drunk at parties
and she would get so angry at his drinking that they
would get into a fight about it. If she had married Lou,
she and Lou would have enjoyed the party but when they
got home, the trouble would begin when Lou wanted
sex because he always wants sex when he wants to feel
closer, but sex is something Alice only wants when she
already feels close.
Wile also wrote:
. . . there is value, when choosing a long-term partner,

in realizing that you will inevitably be choosing a
particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be
grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.
Relationships will work to the extent that you have wound

up with a set of perpetual problems you can learn to live
with.
When a problem is a perpetual problem, instead of solving

it, a couple needs to learn how to dialogue well about their
different subjective realities. The masters of relationship
seem to be able to come to some acceptance of their
problem. They are able to simultaneously communicate
acceptance of the partner and the desire to improve this
problem, often with amusement, respect, and affection.
However, if they cannot establish such a dialogue, the

conflict may become gridlocked, and gridlocked conflict
eventually leads to emotional disengagement.
The Masters of Relationship

Know How to Move from Gridlock to Dialogue on
Their Perpetual Problems.
10-5
They are able to express a fundamental acceptance to their

partners as they ask him or her to change.
Our research revealed that there is a very good reason most

people cannot yield on gridlocked problems. Behind each
person’s position lies something deep and meaningful—
something core to that person’s belief system or personality.
It might be a strongly held value or perhaps a dream not
yet lived. But when a relationship is safe enough and one
partner clearly communicates that he or she wants to know
what’s underlying his or her partner’s position, the partner
can open up and talk about his or her feelings, dreams, and
needs.
What we are suggesting is this: Within the worst

relational conflicts lie the greatest opportunities
for growth and intimacy.
B. Manage Conflict: Solvable Problems
When the couples in our research were asked to talk about

an area of continuing disagreement, 69% of the time they
discussed an issue that turned out to be a perpetual issue.
The rest of the time—31%—the problems discussed were
solvable problems. This was determined by observing
couples again, four years later, and seeing which problems
kept arising and which had been solved.
For problems that are solvable problems, there are the five
steps to effective problem solving. These involve using
Softened Startup, Repair and De-escalation, Accepting
Influence, Compromise, and Accepting What You Can’t
Change (Accepting One Another). The basis of all steps of
effective problem-solving also involves using physiological
soothing (self and partner).
10.2.6. Make Life Dreams Come True
A crucial aspect of any relationship is to create an atmosphere

that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her
dreams, values, convictions, and aspirations.
10-6
10.2.7. Create Shared Meaning
Here, we come to the attic where our important

dreams, narrative, myths, and metaphors about our
relationship, and family find a home. This is what you
tell yourself about your relationship, your internal thoughts,
metaphors, myths, and stories. Everyone is a philosopher
trying to make some sense out of this brief journey through
life. Even four year-olds are asking, “Will I die?” and then,
“Why?” “Then why was I born?” This level of the Sound
Relationship House is about creating shared meaning in the
relationship. People create shared meaning intentionally by
talking about:
Rituals of Connection (formal and informal),
Shared goals,
Supporting each other’s life roles, and
Agreeing about basic symbols such as what a home means.
We believe that every committed relationship is a cross-

cultural experience in which we blend together each
partner’s legacy, culture, values, and beliefs to create an
entirely new culture. As a species, we are all meaning-
makers and story-tellers.
Finally, the latest additions to our Sound Relationship House theory about what makes
relationships work are the two walls of the house, Trust and Commitment. Both trust
and commitment are necessary for love and romance to last in a life-long romantic
relationship.
10.2.8. Trust
Trust is the state that occurs when a person knows that his
or her partner acts and thinks to maximize that person’s
interests, and maximize that person’s benefits, not just the
partner’s own interests and benefits. In other words, this
means, “my partner has my back and is there for me.”
10.2.9. Commitment
Commitment means believing (and acting on the belief)

that this relationship with this person is completely one’s
lifelong journey, for better or for worse (meaning that if
it gets worse we will both work to improve it). It implies
10-7
cherishing one’s partner’s positive qualities and nurturing

gratitude about what one has with this person by comparing
ones partner favorably with real or imagined others, rather
than trashing one’s partner by magnifying one’s partner’s
negative qualities, and nurturing resentment by comparing
one’s partner unfavorably with real or imagined others.
10.3. Clinician’s Checklist for Relationship Assessment

This checklist provides a way to organize and summarize
your assessment of a couple’s relationship. Keep in mind
The Sound Relationship House as you consider these
questions.
Chaos?
Is the life of this couple chaotic?
Can they manage the basic tasks of being a family?
Drug or alcohol abuse?
Comments: If their life is very chaotic and emotionally dysregulated, look for addictions, and
also think of intervening first in Crisis intervention mode just to down-regulate escalating hostility
and try to create some peace and a sense of control in their lives.
Notes:
Are There Fundamental Mismatches

In preferred influence patterns? (One is an avoider who suppresses, one an engager. Do
they have big blowup fights periodically?)
Partner 1: Volatile, Avoider, Validator Partner 2: Volatile, Avoider, Validator
In meta-emotions? (one is emotionally expressive and values emotions while the other is
alexythymic and/or emotion dismissing. They have difficulty connection when one person
is sad, or angry, or just needs affection or support).
Are there attachment injuries as a result of turning away?
Notes:
Betrayals?
Are there a fundamental betrayals they are dealing with? An affair? Addiction (Drugs alco-
hol, gambling, sex?)? Financial betrayal?
Attachment Injuries?
Other Betrayals of the Relationship Contract?
Notes:
10-8
Overall, where are they each in the relationship?

Couple Satisfaction
Divorce, Separation, or breakup potential (Weiss-Cerretto)
Each person’s commitment to the relationship (Commitment Scale)
Their hopes and expectations for the relationship (including potentially getting out of the
relationship)
Their hopes, expectations, and theory of the therapy
Notes:
Is Couple Therapy Contra-Indicated?

An ongoing extra-couple affair (secret or revealed) Ongoing characterological physical
abuse (see screening scales)
On-going physical abuse
Notes:
The Couple Friendship

Positive Affect (Interest, excitement, affection, humor, validation, amusement, pleasure,
joy)
The Fondness and Admiration System
We-ness
Love Maps
How they talk to each other in a non-conflict context
Signs of emotional disengagement
What do they see as the strengths of this relationship?
Feeling one’s personality is accepted
Feeling fundamentally criticized and disliked
How do they move through time together?
In Events of the Day discussions and stress-reducing conversations is there requited inter-
est, excitement, humor, affection?
Map out a typical week day
Map out a typical weekend day
Map out a typical vacation
Map out a typical getaway
How do they renew themselves and each other when they are fatigued and highly
stressed
What is the nature of their daily rituals of leave taking in the morning, reunion, eating to-
gether, and what do these rituals mean to them?
Notes:
10-9
Selected Gottman 19-Areas:

Emotional engagement
Lifestyle similarities / differences
Passion and romance in the relationship
Sexual satisfaction and intimacy
Fun
Spiritual connection
Loneliness
Parallel lives
Notes:
Sentiment Overrides
Chip on shoulder?
Hyper-defensive?
Hyper vigilant to attack/defend?
Existence of Negative Sentiment Override
Existence of Positive Sentiment Override
The frequency and success of repair attempts during conflict discussions
How humor and anger get responded to
How they perceive one another’s anger and humor
Innocent Victim or a Righteous Indignation perception of this moment
Flooded by the way their partner complains
Diffuse Physiological Arousal?
Ability to self soothe
Ability to soothe partner
Notes:
Regulating Conflict
For All Problems:
Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt (Psychological Abuse)
Stonewalling or other disengagement
Emotional disengagement (look for low levels of positive affect during conflict)
For Solvable Problems:
Softened or Harsh Startup
Accepting Influence or other disorders of power
10-10
Regulating Conflict (continued)

De-Escalation and Repair
Compromise
Positive Affect
For Perpetual Problems:
Dialogue on perpetual problems?
Accepting Influence or other disorders of power
Gridlock on perpetual problems?
The Four Horsemen (vilification, people seeing one another as enemies, feeling unaccept-
ed and criticized, entrenched positions with polarization, fear of accepting influence)
Positive Affect during conflict?
Emotional disengagement
Notes:
Gender Issues
Issues of gender equity in power, respect, and influence
Perceived Inequity in the division of labor
Perceived inequity in emotional engagement in the relationship or parenting
Inequity in access to family resources (money, time, freedom)
Notes:
Meshing Life Dreams and Creating Shared Symbolic Meaning

Their own life goals, their missions, their dreams. Are these known?
Are they honored?
Defensiveness
Fear of Accepting Influence?
Have they been able to create shared meaning in:
Rituals of Emotional Connection. Do they exist at all?
Informal (leave taking, reunion, bedtimes, “dates,” getaways, etc.) Formal (birthdays, an-
niversaries, holidays)
Goals Roles Symbols
Balancing work and family
Work-aholism?
Under or unemployment?
Problems in individuation?
Balancing independence and connection
Low tolerance for independence?
10-11
Meshing Life Dreams and Creating Shared Symbolic Meaning (continued)

Low tolerance for connection or intimacy?
Problems in sexuality?
Notes:
Overall progress toward being able to create or maintain shared meaning system
Notes:
Psychopathology
Depression Partner 1 q Partner 2 q
Antisocial personality disorder Partner 1 q Partner 2 q
Borderline Disorder Partner 1 q Partner 2 q
Alcohol or drug abuse Partner 1 q Partner 2 q
Past Trauma Partner 1 q Partner 2 q
Other? Specify: Partner 1 q Partner 2 q
Notes:
Potential Resistances
Differential commitment to the relationship
Different hopes and expectations for therapy
Betrayals, current or past
Conflict in Values
Issues of friends
Issues of community
Notes:
10-12
10.4. Feedback Session Benchmarks

Below is a list of criteria to help you deliver an effective and successful Feedback
Session.
In addition to summarizing the couple’s strengths,
weaknesses, and primary issues, based on the first
session, individual interviews, and the compilation of
questionnaires, you should also explain the levels of the
Sound Relationship House and ask the couple if they
understand your summarized assessment.
a. Establish a trusting alliance with both members of the

couple.
b. Engage both partners in the process (i.e. dynamic &

interactive vs. solely lecture-based).
c. Integrate assessment information from the Oral

History session, Individual Relational Interviews and
assessment questionnaires to summarize the couple’s
strengths, weaknesses, and primary issues. Do not
provide specific results from each questionnaire.
d. Give the couple a copy of the Sound Relationship

House and explain each of the levels.
e. Interpret assessment findings accurately.
f. Share Gottman research findings accurately when

relevant.
g. Convey information in sensitive, clear language that

relates to the clients.
h. Ask couple if they understand your assessment.
i. Welcome feedback from both partners.
j. Conduct the session with sensitivity to issues of

co-morbidity.
k. Formulate therapy goals that are consistent with the

Sound Relationship House model as appropriate for the
couple.
10-13
10-14
10-15
Group Role Play: Feedback Session
Below is a list of criteria to help you deliver an effective and successful Feedback
Session.
In addition to summarizing the couple’s strengths, weaknesses, and primary issues, based
on the first session, individual interviews, and the compilation of questionnaires, you
should also explain the levels of the Sound Relationship House and ask the couple if they
understand your summarized assessment.
a. Establish a trusting alliance with both members of the couple.
b. Engage both partners in the process (i.e. dynamic & interactive vs. solely
lecture-based).
c. Integrate assessment information from the Oral History session, Individual

Relational Interviews and assessment questionnaires to summarize the
couple’s strengths, weaknesses, and primary issues. Do not provide specific
results from each questionnaire.
d. Give the couple a copy of the Sound Relationship House and explain each of
the levels.
e. Interpret assessment findings accurately.
f. Share Gottman research findings accurately when relevant.
g. Convey information in sensitive, clear language that relates to the clients.
h. Ask couple if they understand your assessment.
i. Welcome feedback from both partners.
j. Conduct the session with sensitivity to issues of co-morbidity.
k. Formulate therapy goals that are consistent with the Sound Relationship
House model as appropriate for the couple.
10-16
Gottman Assessment Scoring Summary Sheet for

Steve and Crysta
Partner 1 Crysta Partner 2 Steve

Locke-Wallace <85 49 83 Chaos 53 20
Weiss Cerretto >4 7 2 Meta-Emotion (Emotion Dismissing) 76 21
Family History (Traumatic History) 71 3
Emotional Abuse (EAQ) P1 P2
+ Love Maps 80 100
+ Fondness & Admiration 20 60 Jealousy 1, 3, 4 3 0
+ Turning Towards or Away 20 40 Social Isolation 2, 5, 6, 10 4 0
- Neg. Sentiment Override 60 80 Social Control 7, 8, 9 2 0
- Harsh Start-up 100 40
+ Accepting Influence 100 100 Gaslighting 11 1 0
+ Repair Attempts 80 80 Humiliation 12, 13, 14 1 1
+ Compromise 20 40 Sexual Coercion 15, 19-21 0 0
- Gridlock 100 60 Threat or Property
- Four Horsemen 40 80 Damage 16-18, 22-25 0 0
- Flooding 80 40 Total Emotional Abuse Score 11 1
- Emotional Disengagement 100 100
+ Sex, Romance & Passion 57 93 P1 P2
+ Shared Meaning - Rituals 0 20
+ Shared Meaning - Goals 40 80
Control 4 0
+ Shared Meaning - Roles 20 80 Fear 0 0
+ Shared Meaning - Symbols 40 80 Suicide Potential 0 0
Trust 38 67 Acts of Physical Aggression 0 4
Commitment 56 93
Clinical
19 Areas Checklist P1 P2 SCL-90 Cut-off P1 P2
Staying Emotionally Connected 86 29 Somatization So 1.23 0 0
Handling Job & Other Stresses 50 14 Obsessive-Compulsive OC 1.18 0.1 0
Handling Disagreement 86 29 Interpersonal Sensitivity IS 0.96 0.78 0
Romance & Passion 83 0 Depression D 1.50 0.62 0.08
Sex Life 50 0 Anxiety A 1.24 0.3 0
Important & Traumatic Events 86 0 Anger-Hostility AH 0.83 0.33 0.17
Parenting Issues 86 57 Phobic Anxiety PA 0.69 0 0
In-laws or Relatives 57 25 Paranoid Ideation PI 1.32 1.5 0
Jealousy / Attracted to Others 71 57 Psychoticism Ps 0.76 0.1 0
Recent Affair 72 36 Q. 15 End Life 0 0
Unpleasant Fights 100 29 Q. 63 Urges to Harm 0 0
Basic Values & Goals 71 0 Q. 3 Unwanted Thoughts 0 0
Hard Life Events 71 29
Work as a Team 57 0 Drug & Alcohol P1 P1 P2 P2
Screening** Self Partner Self Partner
Power & Influence 86 14
Finances 71 86 Alcohol 58 0 8 75
Fun Together 100 100
Drugs 33* 33* 0 17
Building Community 100 86
Spirituality 0 0
Notes:
Steve cites Crysta’s drinking on 19 Areas, Q: 1, 3 & 13. Crysta appears to have answered some alcohol
questions in the opposite direction. In the past 6 months, Crysta hit and shoved, and threw an object at Steve
without injury. Crysta had an affair in 2011.
**The Drug & Alcohol Screening Questionnaires have been replaced with the CAGE-AID and b-MAST
questionnaires.
10-17
10.5. Treatment Planning
The Treatment Plan serves several purposes including:

• A place to organize and summarize the vast amount
of information gained through the assessment process
including the Couple’s Narrative, Oral History Interview,
Conflict Discussion, Individual Interviews and numerous
written assessment questionnaires. Of course all the infor-
mation obtained about a couple cannot be placed on a one
page form. This is not intended to replace reviewing notes
and specific written questionnaires. This Treatment Plan
may be supplemented with additional information. One
way to do this is to place a footnote number or a symbol,
such as an asterisk, in the appropriate box to reference
additional sources of information such as notes obtained
during interviews or on specific written questionnaires.
• Supplement other treatment plan formats currently used.
Please feel free to adapt this form for your personal needs.
• Organize information for use in the feedback/treatment
planning session.
• Guide therapy throughout the course of treatment.
• The content of the Treatment Plan is straight forward.
The (+), (o) and (-) symbols on the Sound Relationship
House (SRH) diagram, which may be circled, are for indi-
cating whether a level of the SRH is a strength, neutral or
a weakness.
The Treatment Plan is designed to be used in conjunction
with the Gottman Assessment Scoring Summary sheet and its
accompanying “Interpretation Guidelines”.
This section contains the 100 Gottman Hours form, the
Gottman Treatment Plan form, and the Scoring Summary
Sheet. If you are entering the Certification Track to become
a Certified Gottman Therapist, you must complete and
document at least 100 hours of Gottman Method Couples
Therapy. You will be asked to submit the 100 Gottman Hours
form along with the Treatment Plan form and the Scoring
Summary Sheet for each couple you treat with the Gottman
Method. You may begin documenting your hours using
Gottman Method interventions upon completion of this Level
2 training.
These forms (without page numbers at the top) are included

in Chapter 14. The Therapist Disclosure Statement is
located on page 14-1 for your use.
10-18
10-19
Client ID#: Date:
100 Gottman Method Clinical Hours Documentation
Number of Hours:
Session Dates:
Gottman Interventions:
Love Maps Aftermath of a Fight
Stress-reducing Conversation Gottman-Rapoport Exercise
“I Appreciate...” Adjective Checklist Internal Working Model
Gentle Start-up Dan Wile
Repair Checklist Video Playback
Four Horsemen 7-Week Guide for Creating Fondness
and Admiration
Flooding
Rituals of Connection
Dreams Within Conflict
Meanings Interview
Compromise
Meta Emotion Interview
Accepting Influence
Other:
Relationship “Poop Detector”
By submitting this form, I affirm that the information herein is true and complete. I understand
that any false statements, omissions, or other misrepresentations made by me on this form may
result in my immediate dismissal from the Gottman Certification Track.
Name (printed)
Signature
Date
10-20
10-21
Client ID#: Date:
Gottman Treatment Plan

Areas of Strength
Notable History
(abuse, trauma, affairs, family origin, relationship)
Co-morbidities
Presenting Problems
Preliminary Treatment Goals
10-22
10-23
10-24
Interpretation guidelines
SRH + 81 to 100% 61 to 80% 0 to 60%
SRH - 0 to 20% 21 to 40% 41 to 100%
Trust 51 to 100% 0 to 50%

19 Areas 0 to 20% 21 to 40% 41 to 100%
• Chaos 0 to 20% 21 to 40% 41 to 100%


History
EAQ
CAGE-AID
Score of 2/4 or greater indicates positive CAGE, need for further evaluation
b-MAST
10-25
Client ID#: Date:

Partner 1 Partner 2

Jealousy 1, 3, 4
+ Accepting Influence Gaslighting 11
+ Repair Attempts
- Flooding
+ Shared Meaning - Rituals P1 P2
+ Shared Meaning - Symbols
Trust Suicide Potential
Commitment Acts of Physical Aggression
19 Areas Checklist P1 P2 Clinical

Staying Emotionally Connected SCL-90 Cut-off P1 P2
Handling Job & Other Stresses Somatization So 1.23
Handling Disagreement Obsessive-Compulsive OC 1.18
Romance & Passion Interpersonal Sensitivity IS 0.96
Sex Life Depression D 1.50
Important & Traumatic Events Anxiety A 1.24
Parenting Issues Anger-Hostility AH 0.83
In-laws or Relatives Phobic Anxiety PA 0.69
Jealousy / Attracted to Others Paranoid Ideation PI 1.32
Recent Affair Psychoticism Ps 0.76
Unpleasant Fights Q. 15 End Life
Q. 63 Urges to Harm
Hard Life Events
Power & Influence
CAGE AID
Finances
Fun Together b-MAST
Building Community
Spirituality
Notes:
10-26
11-1
11. Gottman Method Interventions Taught at Level 2

Overview—Using Interventions and General Requirements for All
Interventions
How do you help couples to succeed in having a second conversation that is healthier
than the first conversation? What do you do to intervene between the couple’s two
conversations? In most of the cases, the idea for the intervention will emerge from the
process, particularly the emotional processes going on in the moment. These interven-
tions are certainly the most powerful. Furthermore, recall that the goal is for the couple
to come up with the intervention. It helps to have a matrix of possible interventions on
hand that can be used. Keep these in a file drawer sorted by the nature of the intervention.
Think ahead before the session, making notes of the last session, about what this couple
may need next. It may take weeks to use this material, and some interventions you may
never use.
The interventions included in this manual are divided into two sections: interventions that
are taught at the Level 2 workshop and additional Gottman interventions. In each sec-
tion, the interventions are organized by their relation to The Sound Relationship House.
Successful application of the Gottman Method requires more than meeting the specific
criteria for each intervention because interventions occur in a broader therapeutic context.
In addition to intervention specific requirements, the Therapist:
• Reads and interprets clients’ affect appropriately.

• Demonstrates respect, empathy and a trusting alliance with both partners.
• Avoids taking sides or obvious bias towards or identification with one partner or the
other.
• Avoids comments, jokes, or attempts at humor and references that might make the
couple uncomfortable or which misrepresent the Gottman Method with particular
sensitivity to ethnic, racial, gender, sexual orientation and religious considerations.
• Avoids inappropriate touch with clients, including in humor.
• Chooses an intervention that is appropriate and well-timed that stems from the
couple’s interaction and the content of their discussion.
• Briefly explains the intervention in sensitive, clear language.
• Does not argue with the couple about doing the intervention.
• Shares relevant, accurate research findings when appropriate.
• Does not guarantee success.
• Supports the couple, if needed, to facilitate their use of the intervention.
• Shows the couple’s response to the intervention.
• Helps couple succeed in having a second conversation that is healthier than their first
conversation.
11-2
If an intervention has been used with a couple before, you still need to provide an expla-
nation of the intervention to demonstrate your ability to explain it accurately and clearly.
You could say something like, “As you may recall . . ., “ then describe the intervention
and facilitate them doing it again using the video review criteria. Remember that a review
is helpful for the couple to deepen their understanding of the intervention and strengthen
their ability to implement the intervention on their own.
11.1. Interventions Related to Building Friendship and

Intimacy
This part of the therapy intervention is designed to
change the way the couple thinks about the rela-
tionship (Love Maps), the couple’s Fondness and
Admiration System, and the way the couple moves
through time together. It also focuses on how they
choose to be together and addresses the balance of
engagement or disengagement and turning towards or
turning away. These balances affect the setting condi-
tions that give rise to gridlocks. These interventions
do not involve conflict resolution, although they have
profound impact on Positive or Negative Sentiment
Override that determines how the couple handles
minor everyday conflicts. Positive or Negative
Sentiment Override also determines the couple’s abil-
ity to repair interaction during conflict resolution.
Hence, this part of the therapy program involves changing the way the couple moves
through time and the way the two people set priorities and engage and connect on an
everyday basis.
11.2. Interventions to Help Couples Manage Conflict

Every couple experiences conflict. These
interventions are designed to help couples manage
both perpetual conflicts and solvable conflicts.
Remember, 69 percent of all conflicts are perpetual.
That is, they reoccur over and over again, without
resolution. So there are special interventions to
help couples dialogue about these issues rather
than remaining gridlocked and unable to discuss
them. In addition, interventions are provided to
teach couples the skills needed to gently discuss
any issue, perpetual or solvable, without resorting
to attack-defend patterns of interaction. These skills
include gentle start-up, repair and de-escalation,
flooding control and self-soothing, and achieving
11-3
compromise. Exercises that incorporate video-playback and understanding internal

working models are also described.
As a reminder, here are the indicators that the issue a couple is discussing may be
perpetual and gridlocked:
• Both partners feel rejected.

• The couple keeps discussing the same issue, spinning their wheels and making
no headway.
• Both partners are entrenched in their positions on the issue.
• Their conversations leave them feeling frustrated and hurt.
• There is little humor, affection, or amusement when they discuss the issue.
• The gridlock worsens over time, and the partners end up vilifying each other.
• After a while, the partners become even more polarized, extreme, and
uncompromising.
• Eventually, the couple may become emotionally disengaged and lonely.
Couples are probably dealing with a solvable problem when these characteristics are
absent and the problem is situational and relatively superficial. Solvable problems usually
do not have deep underlying symbolic meaning. They don’t disguise hidden agendas.
Skills are still needed to solve them, but resolution is possible.
11.3. Interventions to Build Shared Meaning

In this part of therapy, the couple will create
shared purpose in building a life together, and
building and maintaining a system of shared
meaning by making intentional their goals, nar-
ratives, mission, symbols, cultures, & legacies,
and which of these they hold in common.
• Rituals of Connection. The couple will

intentionally create central rituals of emotional
connection, both informal & formal.
• Shared Purpose in Building a Life Together.
The couple will build their shared meaning
system by making intentional their shared
goals, narratives, mission, symbols, cultures, &
legacies.
11-4
11.4. When to Terminate Therapy

Terminate When the Following Therapy Goals are Mostly Met
yy The markers of divorce have been significantly and meaningfully reduced,

particularly Negative Sentiment Override and the Four Horsemen.
yy The Fondness and Admiration System has been activated or re-activated.
yy The Love Map has been created, and it is getting used on a daily basis.
yy Each person (particularly the male partner in a heterosexual relationship)
accepts influence from partner.
yy Couple has created Positive Sentiment Override and its maintenance
through resetting the set point of turning towards versus turning away.
yy Couple can effectively repair negative interactions.
yy Couple uses respectful influence and Positive Affect in the service of
de-escalation.
yy Couple knows how to physiologically soothe self and partner.
yy Couple has the tools, without the therapist, to make the next conversation
better than the last.
yy The threshold of the (Relationship) Poop Detector has been set significantly
lower.
11.5. When to Give Up

You may wish to consider terminating when you can see that the Fondness and
Admiration System is essentially dead. In that case, you may wish to get the couple to
consider divorce.
11-5
11.6. Gottman Method Interventions Taught at Level 2

Sound Relationship House Level Intervention Page
Share Fondness and Admiration “I Appreciate . . .” Adjective Checklist 11-9
Turn Towards vs. Turning Away Stress Reducing Conversation 11-15
Manage Conflict Gentle Start-up 11-23
Labeling and Replacing the Four Horsemen with their Antidotes 11-31
Physiological Soothing and Relaxation Exercise 11-37
The Gottman-Rapoport Exercise 11-45
Dan Wile Intervention 11-49
Internal Working Model 11-53
The Art of Compromise 11-55
Dreams Within Conflict - Releasing the Dreams 11-63
Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident 11-69
Create Shared Meaning Build Rituals of Connection 11-81
11-6
11-7
11-8
11-9
Intervention: “I Appreciate . . .” Adjective Checklist
Purpose:
Introduce the concept of Fondness and Admiration to the couple. Briefly increase fond-
ness and admiration, then build on this.
Instructions:
It is very important to acknowledge the positive aspects of your partner’s personality.
Many times when people are upset with one another they lose sight of the positive aspects
of their partner and of the relationship. Take a few moments and think about selected
aspects of your partner’s personality. Circle three to five items that you think are charac-
teristic of your partner at times, even slightly. For each item you circle, briefly think of
an actual incident that illustrates this characteristic of your partner. Jot down a note about
this incident next to the item. Then share the circled adjective and this incident with your
partner. Enjoy!
11-10
11-11
XX Exercise: “I Appreciate . . .” Adjective Checklist
Instructions:
It is very important to acknowledge the positive aspects of your partner’s personality.
Many times when people are upset with one another they lose sight of the positive aspects
of their partner and of the relationship. Take a few moments and think about selected
aspects of your partner’s personality. Circle three to five items that you think are charac-
teristic of your partner at times, even slightly. For each item you circle, briefly think of
an actual incident that illustrates this characteristic of your partner. Jot down a note about
this incident next to the item. Then share the circled adjective and this incident with your
partner. Enjoy!
1. Loving 36. Vulnerable

2. Sensitive 37. Committed
3. Brave 38. Involved
4. Intelligent 39. Expressive
5. Thoughtful 40. Active
6. Generous 41. Careful
7. Loyal 42. Reserved
8. Truthful 43. Adventurous
9. Strong 44. Receptive
10. Energetic 45. Reliable
11. Sexy 46. Responsible
12. Decisive 47. Dependable
13. Creative 48. Nurturing
14. Imaginative 49. Warm
15. Fun 50. Virile
16. Attractive 51. Kind
17. Interesting 52. Gentle
18. Supportive 53. Practical
19. Funny 54. Lusty
20. Considerate 55. Witty
21. Affectionate 56. Relaxed
22. Organized 57. Beautiful
23. Resourceful 58. Handsome
24. Athletic 59. Silly
25. Cheerful 60. Calm
26. Coordinated 61. Lively
27. Graceful 62. A great partner
28. Elegant 63. A great parent
29. Gracious 64. Assertive
30. Playful 65. Protective
31. Caring 66. Sweet
32. A great friend 67. Tender
33. Exciting 68. Powerful
34. Thrifty 69. Flexible
35. Shy 70. Understanding
71. (Others: Your ideas:)
11-12
11-13
11-14
11-15
Intervention: The Stress-Reducing Conversation and Earning

Points in the Emotional Bank Account
Purpose:
The purpose of this process is to assist couples in the management of daily external
stress, stress that comes from outside the relationship such as job stress.
Research has shown that the couples who buffered their relationships from external
stresses were able to maintain their positive changes over time. In today’s world, stress
runs very high, and the couple’s ability to create a peaceful home that is soothing is
critical.
Instructions:
Introduce the need for the stress-reducing conversation to your couple. Have them discuss
a recent or upcoming stress in their lives that is preferably not related directly to a rela-
tionship issue (e.g., an upcoming visit to in-laws or an upcoming event that may prove
stressful). Each partner takes a turn to speak about her or his (nonrelationship–based)
stress while her or his partner listens. After the speaker has finished, trade roles.
The concept of the emotional bank account is something that can be directly applied here.
The lists in the stress-reducing exercise on giving support and sharing emotions are sug-
gestions for ways that couples can earn points or make deposits into each other’s emo-
tional bank accounts.
After the stress-reducing conversation, discuss with the couple ways they can ritualize
this type of conversation into their everyday week. Couples should strive for having a
conversation like this one for about 20 minutes at the end of each day. This is an impor-
tant everyday context for turning towards versus turning away.
More Materials to Share with Your Couple:
For Males: Most important for men is to be aware of the tendency that guys have
to give support by feeling that they have the responsibility to come up with the
solutions to the problem. No, men do not have this responsibility. They must give
up this responsibility, unburden themselves. Their partners are not dumb and can
come up with their own solutions. Men can gain enormous mileage JUST BY
LISTENING AND BEING UNDERSTANDING. This is an eye-opener for most
men. They can gain all their points just by listening and being understanding.
That’s all men have to do. Problem-solving comes later. Men have a tendency to
rush in with the solutions too soon.
For Females: It is important for women to separate themselves from the stresses
that their partners are describing. Women should try not to think of her partner’s
stress as OUR problem. Women should be sure not to respond to their partner’s
stresses with complaints and criticism of their own. JUST LISTEN AND BE
UNDERSTANDING.
11-16
11-17
XX Exercise: The Stress-Reducing Conversation and

Earning Points in the Emotional Bank Account
How you manage stress turns out to be very critical.
Instructions:
In this exercise, you will discuss a recent or upcoming stress in each of your lives such
as an upcoming job deadline or a future event that may prove stressful. Each of you will
take a turn to be a speaker (about your own stress) while your partner listens. After the
speaker has finished, trade roles.
Speaker: Talk about your stress with as much detail and depth as possible.
Listener: Offer support to your partner using the methods in the following list. Be sure to
avoid problem-solving unless your partner wants your help doing so. Just do your best to
listen and understand your partner’s thoughts and feelings.
Remember:
Understanding Must Precede Advice.
Use the bullet points below for ideas on ways to give support and share emotions.
GIVING SUPPORT MEANS:
SHOW GENUINE INTEREST: Maintain eye contact. Ask questions.

COMMUNICATE UNDERSTANDING: What a bummer! I’d be stressed out too.
WE AGAINST OTHERS. DON’T SIDE WITH THE OTHER: That guy is a total jerk!
SOLIDARITY: This is our problem, and we’ll face it together.
AFFECTION: Come here and let me hold you. I am totally on your side.
SHARED EMOTIONS:
INTEREST: Tell me more about that. Ask questions.

EXCITEMENT: Wow! This is really hot stuff! Let’s do it!
SADNESS: That’s so sad.
FEAR: That is something that would have me worried, too.
IRRITATION and ANGER: I can see why you’d be annoyed here. I can change
what I do in this situation.
DON’T stonewall or ignore your partner; fail to respond, get defensive, criticize.
DON’T side with the enemy.
11-18
QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR PARTNER:
First, ask your partner, “Do you feel understood yet?”
If she or he answers “No,” then ask questions to help increase your understanding:
a. What is most upsetting to you about this?
b. What is it that you don’t like about this situation?
c. What is the worst thing that could happen in this situation?
d. What is this like for you?
e. Is there anything I can do to support you in this?
f. What do you need?
If she or he answers “Yes” and does feel understood, then ask “Are you interested in
receiving advice or problem solving?” If the answer is “Yes,” then move on to giving
advice and/or problem solving suggestions. See if your partner has ideas before suggest-
ing some ideas of your own.
R e m e mb er:
• There is no such thing as an “over reaction” emotionally.

• Try not to judge your partner’s emotions.
It would be great if you could commit to having a conversation like this one for about 20
minutes at the end of each day. Discuss how and when you could build this kind of con-
versation into your every week.
Write here how you and your partner have agreed to build the Stress-Reducing
Conversation into your daily schedule.
11-19
Group Role Play: Stress Reducing Conversation
Scenario:
Steve is worried that, after all he’s learned in the past year, he’ll make a mistake that will cause
him to lose his job.
His worst case scenario is that he’ll miss communication cues from patients that maybe they don’t
want to talk about certain things, which goes against his nature of being a problem solver.
Therapist’s instructions:
In this exercise, you will discuss a recent or upcoming stress in each of your lives such as an up-
coming job deadline or a future event that may prove stressful. Each of you will take turns to be a
speaker (about your own stress) while your partner listens. .
Speaker: Talk about your stress with as much detail and depth as possible.
Listener: Offer support to your partner using the methods in the following list. Be sure to avoid
problem-solving unless your partner wants your help doing so. Just do your best to listen and
understand your partner’s thoughts and feelings.
QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR PARTNER:
First, ask your partner, “Do you feel understood yet?”

If she or he answers “No,” then ask questions to help increase your understanding:
a. What is most upsetting to you about this?
b. What is it that you don’t like about this situation?
c. What is the worst thing that could happen in this situation?
d. What is this like for you?
e. Is there anything I can do to support you in this?
f. What do you need?
If she or he answers “Yes” and does feel understood, then ask “Are you interested in
receiving advice or problem solving?” If the answer is “Yes,” then move on to giving
advice and/or problem solving suggestions. See if your partner has ideas before suggest-
ing some ideas of your own.
Remember:
• Don’t side with the enemy.
• Understanding Must Precede Advice.
• There is no such thing as an
• DON’T stonewall or ignore your partner “over reaction” emotionally.
• Don’t fail to respond • Try not to judge your
• Don’t get defensive partner’s emotions.
• Don’t criticize.
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11-21
11-22
11-23
Intervention: Gentle Start-up
Benchmarks:
a. Introduce the concept of gentle start-up and explains why it helps (i.e. it is easier
for their partner to hear and understand their point).
b. Explain the research showing that the first three minutes of a discussion predicts
whether that discussion will go well and whether their overall relationship will go
well.
c. Explain the importance of expressing needs in positive terms and instructs the
partner to re-state their point without criticism. This may include the use of
the model: “I feel _______ about _______ and I need_______.” along with
expressing appreciations, but these are not required.
d. Direct the couple to resume dyadic interaction.
Purpose:
We discovered that the way a conflict discussion starts determines a lot of what happens
for the entire discussion. (We can predict what will happen to a relationship in the future
from the first three minutes of the interaction.) In our research, the predictive role of
gentle or harsh start-up was played by women.
Instructions:
Review the concept of using gentle start-up with the couple, including rules for gentle
start-up and the summary of gentle start-up. Also review the examples of harsh and gentle
start-ups provided to you. Follow up with the exercise on gentle start-up.
Explain that emotions that make you want to withdraw from the world—such as sadness
and fear—also make you seem more vulnerable, and they may be easier for your partner
to hear than the emotions associated with resentment. At times there may be a softer
emotion behind your harder emotion. For example, behind your anger or resentment,
there may be a hurt, a disappointment, or a fear (e.g., insecurity). If you can rephrase your
anger and resentment in terms of these more vulnerable emotions, sometimes they are
easier for our partner to hear. For example, instead of saying, “It makes me mad when
you don’t pay attention to me at parties,” you can see if it makes sense to you to say, “I
get lonely (or insecure) when you don’t pay attention to me at parties.”
11-24
Rules for Gentle Start-up
We all use these skills. Softened start-up is basically the way we treat guests—
respectfully and courteously. Gentle start-up has five components:
1. Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You” to avoid blame.
Complaining is okay, but criticizing is not. Criticizing is a statement—often
generalized, using words such as “always” and “never” —which attacks another
person’s character. Psychologist Thomas Gordon noted that when statements start
with the word “You” instead of the word “I,” they are usually more likely to be
critical and to make your partner defensive. Instead of saying, “You’re so thoughtless…”
it works best to start your complaint with a statement of how you feel, like, “I feel upset…”
Don’t cheat and form an “I” statement that is actually a “You” statement such as “I
think you’re mean.”
2. Describe what is happening; don’t evaluate or judge.
Instead of accusing or blaming, just describe what you see happening objectively
and non-judgmentally. For example, instead of saying, “You never help clean up,”
say, “The kitchen is messy.”
3. Talk clearly about WHAT YOU NEED IN POSITIVE TERMS.
Say what you wish for or hope for, and/or what you want more of (versus what you
don’t want). If you could wave a magic wand and get what you want, what would things be
like? Instead of asking your partner to guess what you need, or to read your mind,
express it explicitly. For example, instead of saying, “This dining room is a total
mess,” say, “I’d appreciate it if you would clean your stuff off the dining room
table.”
4. Be polite.
Make requests politely, adding such phrases as “please” and “I would appreciate it
if . . .”
5. Give appreciations.
Noticing what our partners are doing right is always the best way to go. If your
partner has, at some time, been better in this situation, then ask for what you need
and couch it within an appreciation of what your partner did right in the past and
how much you miss that now. Be Specific! And Don’t Store Things Up!
While being specific is a better idea than global criticism, storing things up is not a
good idea.
11-25
Summary: Gentle Start-up Rules
• I Feel...
State what you feel with an “I” statement. For example, “I feel upset...”
• About What...
Describe the situation neutrally, with facts. Describe “It” and not
your partner.
• I Need...
Tell your partner what you need in order to make things better.
• Be Polite
• Give Appreciations
Examples of Harsh and Gentle Start-ups
Harsh Start-up—Don’t Do it This Way:
Partner 1: It’s Saturday and just look at this mess! Here I go—picking up after you
again. Don’t you ever think of me and what I need? The trouble with
you, Richard is that . . .
Partner 2: There you go again. The trouble with you Richard is, the trouble with
you Richard is . . . Will you just shut up! For once! There’s nothing
wrong with me! What do you want from me anyway?
Partner 1: Why do I always have to tell you what to do? Anyway, it’s too late. I
am just about done with the cleanup, while you’re too busy reading the
paper to even notice.
Partner 2: Will you ever get off my back? I hate cleaning up—you know I do, too.
I’ve been thinking about us.
Partner 1: That’ll be the day. What could you possibly have been thinking about?
Partner 2: I was thinking that we could use a vacation. One in which you were
waited on hand and foot. Wouldn’t that be nice?
Partner 1: David, we can’t afford a vacation. We can’t even afford a cleaning lady.
You live in a fantasy world, David.
Gentle Start-up—Instead, Do it This Way:
Partner 1: Oh, look at this. This house is a mess. Remember, the Becks are coming
over tonight. Is there any chance you could help out with cleaning up? I
could really use some help. Maybe you could do the vacuuming?
Partner 2: Yes, that’s about my favorite thing among the awful things to do. That
and cleaning the bathrooms. I’ll do the bathrooms, too.
11-26
Partner 1: You will? That’d be a big help. Thank you.

Partner 2: When we’re done, let’s reward ourselves by going out to lunch.
Partner 1: How about I rub your shoulders first?
Additional Examples:
Topic: Affection. You want your partner to express more affection towards you.
Harsh start-up: You never touch me.

Gentle alternative: I loved it when you kissed me in the kitchen the other day.
You’re such a great kisser. I would love it if we could do that more often.

Topic: Your partner’s car has a new dent in it. You are worried that your partner
is not being a careful enough driver, and you are concerned over your partner’s
safety.
Harsh start-up: I saw that new dent. Were you ever going to tell me about it?
When are you going to stop being so reckless?
Gentle alternative: I saw that new dent. What happened? Honey, I am getting
worried about your driving. I want you to be safe. Can we talk about this?

Topic: Your partner has not been paying much attention to you.
Harsh start-up: You are so emotionally unavailable to me!

Gentle alternative: I have been missing you lately, and I’m getting a little
lonely.
11-27
XX Exercise: Gentle Start-up
Instructions: Below you will see a situation described and an example of a harsh start-up.
Supply a gentle alternative. This is not a test, but rather an opportunity to learn how to
apply this skill. Sample answers are given below, but try not to peek.
When complaining, think about what you need.

Instead of criticizing, think of how your partner can shine for you.
Catch your partner doing something right.
Then thank your partner for it.
1. Topic: In-laws. Your mother-in-law is coming to visit this evening. You are upset
with how she has criticized you in the past about how you discipline your children.
You want your partner to back you up when you tell your mother-in-law that it
hurts your feelings when she does this.
Harsh Start-up. Your mother is a wart on the back of humanity.
Your gentle alternative:
2. Topic: Housework. You wish that your partner would cook dinner tomorrow night
or take you out to dinner.
Harsh Start-up. You never take me anywhere and I am sick of doing all the
cooking.
3. Topic: Parties. You sometimes get shy in social situations. You think that your
partner ignores you when you go to parties and prefers to spend time with other
people instead of you. Tonight, there is a party, and you want your partner to spend
time with you.
Harsh Start-up. I just know that tonight you’re going to just dump me off in
some corner while you shamelessly flirt all night long.
4. Topic: Sex. You are upset that you and your partner have not made love in some
time. You are feeling unsure that your partner finds you attractive. You wish that
the two of you could make love tonight.
Harsh Start-up. You are so cold to me! All you care about is yourself.
5. Topic: You want your partner to ask for a raise.

Harsh start-up. You are too wimpy to get a raise for your own family.
11-28
6. Topic: You want to spend some time having more fun on the weekends.
Harsh start-up. You have no idea how to have a good time. You’re just a
workaholic.
7. Topic: Finances. You wish that the two of you could save more money.
Harsh Start-up. You have no clue how to not overspend, do you?
8. Topic: Finances. You wish your partner would spend more money on surprise
presents for you.
Harsh Start-up. You are such a miser. When was the last time you spontaneously
bought me anything, huh?
Sample Gentle Startup Answers
1. You know I really care about your mom, but I’m worried that she will be critical of
me tonight about how I am with the kids. It upset me so much the last time she was
here. I would so appreciate it if you could find a way to support me.
2. I am very tired of cooking and would love a break. It’d be so nice if you took us all
out.
3. I can tell that I’m going to feel shy tonight. I don’t want to cramp your style—you
are so much more comfortable at these parties than I am. But it would help me so
much if you would spend time with me. I don’t know why, but when you do, it
makes it easier for me to talk to other people.
4. I’ve been thinking about you all day and about how incredibly gorgeous you are. Is
there any chance we could have a long, luxurious and romantic evening together?
5. Maybe I’m nuts, but I think you deserve so much more than they are paying you at
work. I’d love it if you would get a raise soon. Could we talk about this and maybe
come up with a plan?
6. Hey, hon—I would really like to spend time with you this weekend. How about not
working, and let’s do something fun together? There’s a great movie I’d really like
to see with you.
7. I am feeling anxious about our savings. I know we look at these things differently,
but it would really help me if we could talk about coming up with a savings plan.
8. I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling a bit deprived lately. I would love it if we
surprised one another with a present out of the blue this week. What do you think?
11-29
Intervention: The Four Horsemen - The Concept
Background: As we have interviewed people about their childhood history with the
emotions of pride and praise, we have noticed that these childhood experiences deeply
affect the relationship. Some people will start crying when asked the question, “How did
your parents show you that they were proud of you?” This relationship with pride and
praise is intimately tied in with the first horseman, criticism.
It is very clear that there is no such thing as constructive criticism. All criticism is painful.
Unlike complaints—specific requests for change—criticism doesn’t make a relationship
better. It inevitably makes it worse.
What causes a partner to be chronically critical? There are two sources. The first is an
emotionally unresponsive partner. The other source of criticism in relationship comes
from within. It is connected to self-doubt that has developed over the course of one’s life,
particularly during childhood. In other words, it begins as criticism of oneself.
Put simply, if Natalie keeps complaining to Jonah about leaving his newspapers
on the bathroom floor, and he just ignores her, eventually she is likely to start
criticizing him—calling him a slob instead of politely reminding him about
recycling. This change in Natalie’s approach is understandable, but it is hardly
helpful to her relationship because her criticism will make Jonah even less
responsive. The only way out of this cycle is for both of them to change—which
won’t be easy. It takes courage to be less critical of an unresponsive partner,
and it takes courage to turn towards a partner who’s always harping on your
flaws. But both changes are necessary to end the cycle.
Aaron cannot really appreciate or enjoy his own accomplishments. When he
has a setback in his business, he feels, deep down, that he himself is worthless.
When his business is successful, he doesn’t allow himself to be proud. There’s
a voice inside him that says this is not good enough—in fact it is worthless. He
continually searches for approval but cannot enjoy it or even accept it when it is
offered.
What happens to Aaron when he marries Courtney? Because he has trained his
mind to see what is wrong, what is missing, and not to appreciate what is there,
it’s difficult for him to rejoice in what’s right with Courtney or their relationship.
So instead of appreciating Courtney’s wonderful qualities, including her
sweetness, her devotion and the deep emotional support she offers him when he
is in danger of bankruptcy, he focuses on what he considers her flaws—that she
is highly emotional, somewhat awkward socially, and not as meticulously clean
around the house as he’d like.
11-30
The story of Aaron and Courtney is what’s wrong 85% of the time in most relationships.
If a person finds himself or herself inadequate, he or she is always on the lookout for
what is not there in himself or herself and his or her partner. And, let’s face it: any one
will be lacking in certain desirable qualities. The problem is that people tend to focus on
what’s missing in their partner and overlook the fine qualities that are there; people take
those for granted.
Jacobson and Christensen (1997) pointed out that the best thing a couple can do for their
relationship is to work on accepting one another with all of the flaws.
My religion, Judaism, has helped me to cherish and nourish what is good

and strong in myself and in my relationship. In Judaism, prayer is primarily
used either for thanksgiving or to praise. Yet the religion claims that G-d does
not require endless praise, flattery, or thanks. So what is the purpose of these
prayers? They are not meant for G-d’s benefit but to help the person who is
praying. These prayers are designed to help us appreciate the works of G-d,
this beautiful world we have inherited, and to notice and be thankful for the
blessings we continually receive.
—Dr. John Gottman
To the therapist: One route towards this forgiveness may be personal, spiritual beliefs.
Whatever the couple’s religion, there is a message for their relationship: expressions of
thanksgiving and praise are the antidotes for the poison of criticism and its deadly cousin,
contempt. The following intervention will start couples on this path.
11-31
Intervention: Labeling and Replacing the Four Horsemen with

their Antidotes
Benchmarks:
a. Stop the couple’s interaction when one member exhibits one of the Four Horsemen.
b. Intervene with a short explanation of why you have stopped them.
c. Explain the antidote to the relevant Horseman clearly and accurately.
d. Briefly share relevant, accurate research findings when appropriate.
e. Coach the person with an alternative way to express him- or herself using an appropriate
antidote.
f. Re-direct the couple to resume their discussion.
Purpose:
When you see one or both partners using any of the Four Horsemen during a conflict
discussion or other interaction, do the work described below. Supplying couples with
antidotes to the Four Horsemen gives couples alternative means of communicating their
feelings and needs and of avoiding escalation.
When you see one of the Four Horsemen, gently stop the couple from interacting. You
might say something such as, “I’d like to stop you here. I notice that you’re using an
old way of talking that may not be working for you, called [name which of the Four
Horsemen is being used] . . .” Then give the couple a brief definition of the Horseman
(see 11-32). Then name the appropriate antidote and coach the partner(s) to use it
accordingly.
For example, if Jane is criticizing Harry by saying, “You’re so lazy; why don’t you ever
clean up?” Interrupt the couple as stated previously. Then define criticism for them and
suggest to Jane that she tell Harry what she would like him to do instead of naming his
flaw. Then encourage the couple to continue on dyadically.
If Harry responds defensively, stop the couple, explain defensiveness and its antidote.
Then ask Harry to see if any part of Jane’s complaint or need makes sense to him
(provided she’s stated it noncritically). Return the couple to dyadic intervention.
If Jane says something contemptuous, again interrupt with a definition and antidote. Talk
about a culture of appreciation. Suggest to Jane that she table the contempt because it will
sabotage her getting listened to. Tell the couple that contempt arises when partners feel
unappreciated and that you’ll be working on creating a culture of appreciation in their
relationship. If appropriate, you can coach Jane to voice her need, then back out and let
the couple proceed dyadically.
Finally, if one of the partners is stonewalling, stop, define and give the antidote. State
what the antidote is (self-soothing), follow with an intervention for Flooding, then return
the couple to dyadic interaction.
11-32
Summary: Four Horsemen
There are four ways of interacting that are the best predictors of divorce. John Gottman
calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Criticism
Criticism—in the way we are using it here—is describing a problem as a flaw in your
partner’s personality, for example, “You are so lazy.” Statements that begin with “You
always” or “You never” imply criticism, too. A criticism implies that there is something
wrong with our partner’s character. The antidote to criticizing is to use a gentle
start-up.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is an attempt to protect oneself, to defend one’s innocence, to ward off a
perceived attack. Sometimes this is done by counter-attacking, or by whining (innocent
victim stance). The antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility for at least a
small part of the problem.
Contempt
To be contemptuous is to put someone down, to take a higher plane - for instance, taking
a higher moral ground. Contempt is any critical statement you make when you feel
superior to your partner. It’s a position of “I’m better/smarter/kinder/etc. than you are.”
Contempt is our single best predictor of divorce in heterosexual couples or break up in
same-sex couples. The antidote to contempt is to describe your own feelings and
needs, and creating a culture of appreciation.
Stonewalling
To stonewall means that the listener withdraws from the interaction while staying in the
room. Basically this means not giving cues that he or she is listening, for instance by
looking to the side, not maintaining eye contact, or crossing one’s arms. Men exceed
women in this area. The antidote to stonewalling is self-soothing and staying
connected in the interaction.
11-33
11-34
11-35
Group Role Play: Stop The Four Horsemen and Replace Them With
Their Antidotes
Scenarios (pick one):

Steve ordered the evening special at a restaurant and got the same dish he had the evening
before. Crysta was embarrassed by Steve’s reaction.
• Steve talks about his opinion being from his point of view, Crysta says it would be
good for him to try to be nice to other people. “You’re mean to the McDonald’s
drive-through person.” Steve says, “No, I’m not. How am I mean?”
Crysta does not get along with Steve’s daughter, Rachel.

• Steve thinks that Crysta is overly critical of Rachel.
• Crysta thinks Steve only criticizes her kids, which is the reason for her criticizing
Rachel.
Steve comes home from work and feels invisible/unnoticed.

• Crysta: “Who cares?” “That seems so selfish.” “He’s being a baby.”
Going through Steve’s ‘mental checklist’ when he gets home.

• Crysta corrects him, tells him that what he’s saying isn’t what he actually thinks.
Below is a useful checklist to help you review your work in this intervention as well as to help
you improve your skills in the Gottman Method.*
a. Stop the couple’s interaction when one member exhibits one of the Four Horsemen.
b. Intervene with a short explanation of why you have stopped them.
c. Explain the antidote to the relevant Horseman clearly and accurately.
d. Briefly share relevant, accurate research findings when appropriate.
e. Coach the person with an alternative way to express him- or herself using an appropriate
antidote.
f. Re-direct the couple to resume their discussion.
* If you are pursuing certification as a Gottman Therapist, you will need to demonstrate an inter-
vention in which you stop the couple when one partner is exhibiting one of the Four Horsemen,
per the benchmarks above. The video should show the couple’s conversation for a few min-
utes after the intervention to demonstrate that the therapist continues to monitor for the Four
Horsemen and intervenes if they re-emerge. The video may be less than 15 minutes but must be
unedited.
Note: the requirement for this tape is to show effective clinical intervention when one of the Four
Horsemen is used in a dyadic process; it is not to show an educational explanation of all Four
Horsemen.
11-36
11-37
Intervention: Flooding - Physiological Soothing and the

Relaxation Exercise
Benchmarks:
a. Identify when one or both partners are physiologically flooded (and not just upset) and stop
the dyadic interaction between the couple. Flooding must be identified by a pulse check.
The heart rate may be identified by clients taking their own pulse or through the use of a
pulse monitoring device. Their pulse rate must be above 100bpm (80 if athletic).
b. Provide a brief explanation of flooding in clear, sensitive language using only a few words.
Remember that when one is flooded the ability to listen and retain information is limited.
c. Intervene by guiding one or both partners through a relaxation exercise before continu-
ing. Whether both partners are included in the relaxation exercise is a judgment call but
the flooded partner must not be negatively labeled. If only one partner participates in the
relaxation exercise, support the non- flooded partner to remain quietly present while their
partner is relaxing.
d. Relaxation techniques may include breathing, muscle tensing-relaxing, heaviness, warmth
and/or imagery. NOTE: The relaxation exercise should be as long as necessary to effec-
tively calm the client(s).
e. Briefly share relevant, accurate research findings when appropriate.
f. Support the couple to resume interaction that is appropriate.
Purpose:
Teach five ways to self-soothe when flooded.
The purpose of these exercises is to help make the relationship like a port in a storm, a
place where each person can get support, peace, and solace from the everyday stresses
of the world, to create a peaceful home. This procedure, if done often, can reverse the
escape conditioning that flooding has created. It will help couples associate cues of the
partner’s presence, the partner’s voice, etc., with relaxation and calm.
We have discovered in our research that in ailing relationships there is often heightened
physiological arousal for both men and women. This creates a feeling of unmanageable
stress, of being overwhelmed, and it suppresses the immune system. People become
less resistant to infectious illnesses. When we look at physiology, we can also predict
what will happen to a relationship. When any of the following instances occur, it is an
important time for people to check their heart rate and self-soothe or help soothe their
partner:
• Periods of long eye closures or eyelid flutters (person has gone inside and may be
censoring) (Paul Ekman’s suggestion).
• Stonewalling.
• Arms akimbo position.
• Hips swiveled away from partner (Elizabeth Fivaz-Depeursinge’s suggestion).
11-38
• No positive affect.
• Controlled facial expressions (chin boss tightens, lip or inside cheek biting, hands
to face).
• Anger: lips pressed together or can’t see red part of upper lip.
• Sadness or distress: Darwin’s grief muscle. The inner corners of the brows are
drawn up and together, and medial brow furrows are created.
• Fear brow: the brows go straight across.
• Auto-involvements (like playing with hair) or involvement with a prop (for
example a pencil) or other away behaviors that say, “I am not here” (Erving
Goffman).
• A movement of the voice from a chest to a head register in fundamental
frequency; the voice gets higher.
• Any indication that someone has stopped breathing regularly or is taking shallow
breaths. Sighs are indicative of sadness. Whining means that the person is feeling
like an innocent victim.
• Non-ah speech disturbances such as not finishing sentences, repetitions, slips of
the tongue, omissions, stuttering. Ah disturbances are people’s attempts to hold
the floor.
Instructions: This exercise can be followed (or preceded) by an imaging exercise on

self-soothing. Teach your couple that, when they are feeling tense and one or both of
them find themselves going into DPA, it is a good time for them to use a repair attempt in
which they tell their partner they want a short break to calm themselves down.
Five Ways to Self-Soothe When Flooded
1. Breathing. Get control of your breathing. When you are getting flooded, you will find
yourself either holding your breath a lot or breathing shallowly. Change your breathing so
it is even and you take deep regular breaths. Take your time inhaling and exhaling.
2. Relaxation. Find areas of muscle tension in your body. First tense each group of
muscles and then relax them. Start with your legs, then move up to your back, arms,
shoulders, neck, and face, especially your jaw and forehead. (see Exercise on 11-39)
3. Heaviness. Let the tension flow out of each muscle group, and feel its heaviness.
4. Warmth. Let the tension flow out of each muscle group and feel its warmth.
5. Imagery. Meditate, focusing your attention on one calming vision or idea. Try
envisioning a very comforting place, like a forest or a beach. Imagine this place as vividly
as you can as you calmly breathe.
11-39
XX Exercise: The Relaxation Exercise
Checking Your Heart Rate
Place the first two fingers of your right hand on the carotid artery. Count the beats as
directed, then multiply by four. Write the number down in the space provided below.
My heart rate:
Instructions: One person gets comfortable while the other reads the relaxation instructions
below. You can touch each other during this exercise if you like, have your partner’s head
in your lap, and so on. The position is up to you.
Keep your voice relaxed and even, speaking in a soothing monotone. Be sensitive to
facial expressions that may indicate your partner’s discomfort, and respond to these cues,
trying to make your partner as comfortable as possible. Over time make these instructions
more personal. Speak SLOWLY and EVENLY.
The first thing you need to do is to focus on your breathing, put your
hand on your belly and as you take a nice deep breath in, push your hand
out with your belly. As if your belly was a balloon filling up with air. Then
as your exhale, push your hand back down against your belly and feel
your belly deflating. Take another nice deep breath in, inhale and push
your hand out. Then, as you exhale push your hand back down against
your belly. Every time you take a nice deep breath in, just feel your hand
pushing out as your stomach expands, and then as you exhale you are
just gently pushing against your stomach as the breath leaves your body.
Continue to breathe this way. Take another nice deep breath in and
exhale, another and exhale, and then a last nice deep breath in and
exhale. Now, as you continue to breathe normally, you should be sitting
either on a sofa or in a chair. Lift your left leg up straight in front of you,
pull your toe up towards your knee, and tense all the muscles in your left
leg. Feel them tense, including your quadriceps and your calf muscles
and now release your leg and drop your leg back down. Take another
nice deep breath in. That’s it, good.
Now, do the same with your right leg. Raise your right leg straight ahead
of you. Pull your toe up towards your knee flexing your foot, and tighten
all the muscles in your right leg. Feel really, really tight in your calves and
quadriceps, hold it and then release your leg back down. Relaxing both
legs and taking another nice deep breath in.
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Next, move to your lower back. Arch your lower back by pushing your
belly out towards the opposite wall and pulling your shoulders back.
Creating a nice arch in your back and feel the tension in that lower back—
feel it tighten. And now, release back down and allow your back to just
rest against the back of your chair or sofa. And just relax; let that chair
really support you.
The next step is raise both arms straight ahead of you and tense all the
muscles in your arms by first clenching your fists really tightly, both fists.
Then, stretch your fingers out towards the opposite wall, reaching for
that opposite wall with all your strength. Good. Now, drop your arms
back down to your lap. Take another nice deep breath in. Good.
Now, raise your shoulders up shrugging your shoulders way up way

towards your ears. Higher, higher, this is where you are holding lots and
lots of pressure and burdens. Feel those shoulders lifting even higher and
now drop your shoulders and circle them first one direction, and then
circle them in the opposite direction. And just feel the relaxation in your
shoulders as you take another nice deep breath in.
Now move to the lower jaw. Clench your teeth tightly together, very
tight, that’s it—that’s where we all hold lots of frustration. And now
release, circling your lower jaw first one direction, and then the other
direction. Good. Now, relax your jaw and simply drop your head to the
side so that you are moving your right ear towards your right shoulder—
giving your neck some stretch. That’s good, and now straighten your
head up and drop the left ear towards the left shoulder. Stretching the
other side of your neck now. That’s it. And now, returning your head to a
straight position up and just relaxing your head now. Taking a nice deep
breath in.
And finally, close your eyes tightly shut, squeeze them tightly shut—as
if you are shutting out the world and saying “no”—tight ,tight. Very
good. And now, simply relax your eyes, keeping your eyes lightly closed.
Take another nice deep breath in, and imagine yourself under a warm
waterfall. The water is pouring down over your head and body and
rinsing away any remaining stress, any remaining tension in every little
nook and cranny of your body. The water is flowing down, carrying all
the remaining tension in your body down towards the earth, down over
your head, down over your shoulders, down over your arms and the
trunk of your body, down through your legs, down through your feet
and down into the earth. Leaving you feeling very warm, and relaxed and
comfortable. Another nice deep breath in. That’s it.
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Now imagine yourself going to a place where you feel completely at

peace. It might be a place outside, or perhaps one that’s inside. It’s a
place where you can be completely safe, where it’s beautiful, where it’s
quiet, where it really feels like a sanctuary—where you can feel completely
at peace. Notice the colors in this place, the shapes, look around you—
see what’s in this place around you. Listen for any sounds that might be
there in this place—are there any sounds? Feel the air on your skin, does
it feel warm or does it feel cool? What feels best to you? Allow yourself
to savor every bit of this experience—is there a fragrance with this place?
Enjoy every aspect of this place. This is your sanctuary; this is your special
place where you can always take yourself. Going deep inside, following
your breath and letting yourself be completely relaxed and comfortable
and at peace. Just enjoy now. And when you are ready, you can come
back to the place where you are now, sitting. Slowly, when you feel ready,
open your eyes, look around you and return to the here and now.
Check Your Heart Rate:
Once again, please check your heart rate. Count the beats as directed, then multiply by
four. Write the number down in the space provided below.
My heart rate:
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Group Role Play: Flooding - Self-Soothing and How to Do It
Scenario:
They are going to a conference in Colorado for four days. He wants to go rock climbing for a
couple of days (without her). She wanted to spend more time together as a family. His anger
scared her. Discussion begins with lots of criticism (“You’re so controlling”) and contempt
(“You’re full of it”).
DAVE GINA
• His need for a break, no time for a deep • Her need to feel included, to know that
breath. he wants her in his life and that it’s
• Colorado was a chance for him to spend consistent.
time with Gina and Jenny. • Father was caring one minute, abusive the
• Rock climbing is de-stressing for him, not next.
focused on anything else.
Below is a useful checklist to help you review your work with this intervention as well as to
help you improve your skills in the Gottman Method.*
a. Identify when one or both partners are physiologically flooded (and not just upset) and stop
the dyadic interaction between the couple. Flooding must be identified by a pulse check.
The heart rate may be identified by clients taking their own pulse or through the use of a
pulse monitoring device. Their pulse rate must be above 100bpm (80 if athletic).
b. Provide a brief explanation of flooding in clear, sensitive language using only a few words.
Remember that when one is flooded the ability to listen and retain information is limited.
c. Intervene by guiding one or both partners through a relaxation exercise before continu-
ing. Whether both partners are included in the relaxation exercise is a judgment call but
the flooded partner must not be negatively labeled. If only one partner participates in the
relaxation exercise, support the non- flooded partner to remain quietly present while their
partner is relaxing.
d. Relaxation techniques may include breathing, muscle tensing-relaxing, heaviness, warmth
and/or imagery. NOTE: The relaxation exercise should be as long as necessary to effec-
tively calm the client(s).
e. Briefly share relevant, accurate research findings when appropriate.
f. Support the couple to resume interaction that is appropriate.
*If you are pursuing certification as a Gottman Therapist, you will demonstrate your skill in deter-
mining when one or both members of the couple are flooded, per the benchmarks above. The video
segment should be at most 15 minutes long and otherwise be unedited. You will give a brief explana-
tion of flooding and intervene with a relaxation technique for both partners. If the relaxation exercise
is lengthy, you may edit out the middle portion of the relaxation exercise in order to show the other
elements of the intervention. The tape must show a few minutes of the couple’s interaction with each
other after the intervention to demonstrate that the process has effectively reduced flooding by the
individual or couple’s calm response to the relaxation technique.
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Intervention: The Gottman-Rapoport Exercise
When to Use:
Use the Gottman-Rapoport Exercise during conflict regulation, especially when there is
Negative Sentiment Override
Background:
Paul Watzlawick suggested that Dr. John Gottman develop this exercise based on Anatol
Rapoport’s ground-breaking book, Fights, Games, and Debates. Rapoport made some
suggestions about the effective resolution of international conflict. These ideas have been
funneled into the couples’ context through the following exercise. We spend a lot of our
thinking during an argument not taking anything in, instead, we frame our rebuttals. This
exercise is designed to short circuit this ‘rebuttal’ process.
Principle:
Before either partner engages in Persuasion, they each have to be able to summarize their
partner’s position to their partner’s satisfaction. But this is a far deeper process than the
Active Listening exercise. It requires each person to interview their partner extensively
about their partner’s position, and to ask questions, and summarize and validate their
partner’s position. This can’t be done when the Four Horsemen are present.
The therapist facilitates a climate of compassion, understanding, and acceptance.
The Assumption of Similarity:

Rapoport also suggested that each person agree to the following. If you find yourself
attributing a positive trait to yourself, try to see some of this trait in your partner. If you
find yourself attributing a negative trait to your partner, try to see some of this trait in your
self as well.
Taking notes:
The therapist facilitates this listening by having each person use clipboards, take notes
when they are the listener, and follow the bullet points below. The couple take turns as
Speaker and Listener.
Rules for the Speaker—

• No blaming, criticism or contempt.
• No “you” statements.
• Talk about your feelings
• Only use “I statements” About a specific situation
• State positive need. Within every complaint there is a longing. When that longing
is expressed, a recipe for how to fulfill it may emerge
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Rules for the Listener—

• Postpone your own agenda and hear and repeat the content of the Speaker’s needs
and perspective (the story). Take notes on what the partner says, capturing the
essence of it;
• Hear the Speaker’s affect (name affects, feel them). Tell the Speaker what you
heard the Speaker saying. The goal is to do this to the Speaker’s satisfaction.
• Validate the Speaker by completing sentence, “It makes sense to me that you
would feel that way and have these needs, because…”
• OK to ask questions, but only to deepen your understanding of your partner’s
needs. Ask questions for clarification and elaboration (for example, an
unacceptable question would be, “How could you do this to me?”).
At first you will be stopping each person quite often as they realize how often they are
using the Four Horsemen in their daily interaction. Help them to state what they need.
Persuasion:
Once Rapoport’s conditions are met, persuasion can then begin in a structured fashion.
You will have to be very active in keeping this discussion on track, and suggest that this
become the way the couple fights at home. Use the two-oval method of compromise.
Flooding:
Many people may need to self-soothe. Physiological monitoring is very helpful.
Homework:
Have them continue to interact throughout the week exclusively using this exercise.
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Group Role Play: The Gottman-Rapoport Exercise
Scenario:
Crysta feels frustrated when Steve walks into a room and reacts to a situation instead of
investigating it first.
STEVE CRYSTA
• feels invisible and unnoticed when he • wants Steve to think about the reason or
comes home story behind what is happening
• wants to help • important to her because she feels sad
• wants to be involved when he yells at the kids instead of
• feels left out understanding.
• feels sad that the kids aren’t being heard
• feels mad
Instructions:
Hand each person a clipboard and a piece of paper. Instruct them to take notes when
they are the listener, and follow the bullet points below. Each partner takes turns being a
Listener/Interviewer and a Speaker.
Speaker:
• No Blaming, no “you” statements.
• Talk about your feelings
• Only use “I statements” About a specific situation
• State positive need. Within every complaint there is a longing. When that longing
is expressed, a recipe for how to fulfill it may emerge
Listener:
• Postpone your own agenda and hear and repeat the content of the speaker’s needs
and perspective (the story). Take notes;
• Hear speaker’s affect (name affects, feel them);
• Validate speaker by completing sentence, “It makes sense to me that you would
feel that way and have these needs, because…”
• OK to ask questions, but only to deepen your understanding of your partner’s
needs.
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11-49
Intervention: The Dan Wile Intervention
Purpose:
This intervention is named after the brilliant psychologist, Dan Wile, who crafted it. It
is used when one or both partners are irretrievably locked into using the Four Horsemen,
the listener is having difficulty, or any time the couple’s interaction is increasingly
unproductive.
For example, this may occur in the middle of doing another intervention such as during
the Rapoport and Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident Interventions.
Instructions:
Ask the individual who is using the Four Horsemen (hereafter, referred to as the
“speaker”) if you can be his or her voice and speak for him or her. Then draw physically
closer to the speaker, if you wish. (Dr. Wile pulls his chair up next to the partner he is
speaking for. Dr. Julie Gottman may kneel beside the partner instead.) By empathizing
deeply with the speaker, try to talk for that partner as if you are him or her while looking
at the other listening partner. Describe the speaker’s feelings, thoughts, and the intensity
of these as dramatically as possible, using metaphor or imagery as appropriate, and
without using the Four Horsemen. Following your re-statement of the speaker’s feelings,
ask him or her if your words were accurate or if you have missed anything. If the partner
makes a correction, add that to your prior statement, still speaking as if you are the
speaker. Now return to your seat. Then ask the partner you have just spoken for to again
describe his or her feelings using different words. You may need to repeat this process for
each partner in turn.
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Group Role Play: The Dan Wile Intervention
Scenario:
Crysta feels frustrated when Steve walks into a room and reacts angrily to a situation instead of
investigating it first.
CRYSTA
• feels pain because she knows the kids love him and are yearning for his love and approval.
• from her teaching experience, she sees that the kids don’t feel close to him in that moment.
• she wants the kids to see his goodness and kindness
• doesn’t feel safe when he’s angry with the kids, feels desperate
• doesn’t want her kids to go through the terror she experienced as a child
• feels that she’s betraying herself and her kids if she allows him to continue to be angry
STEVE
• wants to be part of the family circle
• spent many times as a child feeling as if he didn’t exist
Instructions:
Ask the individual who is using the Four Horsemen (hereafter, referred to as the “speaker”) if you
can be his or her voice and speak for him or her. Then draw physically closer to the speaker, if
you wish.
Dr. Wile pulls his chair up next to the partner he is speaking for. Dr. Julie Gottman may kneel
beside the partner instead.
By empathizing deeply with the speaker, try to talk for that partner as if you are him or her while
looking at the other listening partner. Describe the speaker’s feelings, thoughts, and the intensity
of these as dramatically as possible, using metaphor or imagery as appropriate, and without using
the Four Horsemen.
Following your re-statement of the speaker’s feelings, ask him or her if your words were
accurate or if you have missed anything. If the partner makes a correction, add that to your prior
statement, still speaking as if you are the speaker.
Now return to your seat. Then ask the partner you have just spoken for to again describe his or
her feelings using different words.
You may need to repeat this process for each partner in turn.
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Intervention: Internal Working Model
Purpose:
A framework for discovering the client’s internal working model when encountering
resistance during therapy
Instructions:
Most people think of resistance as a failure of the therapy, but we don’t agree. Resistance
always leads to pay dirt, so look for it and be sensitive to it. As you will see, encountering
resistance leads to discovery of the client’s internal working model of relationships (a
concept prominent in attachment theory) at the level of particular processes of The Sound
Relationship House. Resistance is not a therapeutic failure, but rather a great success. It
is very important. The internal working model of clients tells you why processes at that
level of The Sound Relationship House are systematically distorted in this relationship
and not working properly.
When you encounter it, that resistance will now become the focus of the therapy.
What is the client’s personal history that relates to it? What is the meaning of this history
to the clients, and how does that affect their view of this relationship?
Here we can begin to explore past injuries and healing, the ways that this person suffered
and survived, healed the self, ensured that this injury never recurred, and the implications
of this for the relationship.
In the exploration of resistance, what will be revealed are the narratives, metaphors, and
symbols that form the basis of the internal working model related to the processes you
are working on. For example, a person may have resistance to being known because
this spells danger, but not to knowing the partner, because to know is to have power in
this person’s mind. This could be a part of an antisocial working model, but it need not
entail an antisocial personality. This working model is a systematic distortion of The
Sound-Relationship-House theory and will appear as resistance in exercises at the love-
map level. These internal working model ideas would be explored as the resistance is
encountered in a session.
Internal Working Model Intervention How To’s
The Internal Working Model intervention is used to interrupt a couple’s cycle of attack-
defend. It assumes that if an individual frequently uses criticism or contempt while doing
battle with his or her partner, that individual likely directs criticism and loathing towards
him- or herself as well. When criticism and contempt leap to the speaker’s tongue, it
is likely that the speaker was the target of such words many, many times in childhood,
and has since internalized them. It is the responsibility of the therapist to help both the
speaker and his or her partner understand that the speaker probably says more harsh
comments to himself or herself than the listener could ever know. Compared with the
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comments spoken to the listener, which are like a small leaf pile, the speaker may bury
himself beneath an avalanche of similar self-directed messages.
Here is where the therapist conducts more individual work with the speaker while
the other partner listens and serves as witness. The therapist waits until the speaker
attacks the listener with a critical or contemptuous remark. Then the therapist gently
interrupts, and begins by inquiring of the speaker, “Do you ever say words like these
(the criticism aimed at the listener) to yourself inside?” Most likely, the answer will be,
“Yes.” Follow-up questions such as “What kind of words do you hear inside?” and “Did
someone speak words like these to you when you were young?” are asked. The speaker is
encouraged to tell any remembered stories about incidents in which he or she experienced
such negative messages, plus the feelings these events engendered.
If the speaker has trouble identifying related feelings or denies having any, the therapist
can suggest that in these circumstances, any normal person might feel hurt, wounded,
angered, despairing, etc. Usually after this normalizing of the speaker’s feelings, he
or she expresses some. The therapist can then help the speaker imagine that his or her
partner may experience the same thoughts or feelings that the speaker feels, too, when
criticized. It also helps for the speaker to identify who spoke such criticisms to him
or her, and to render that figure as a third party in the relationship. For example, if the
speaker names his father as having been the critic in his earlier life, the therapist can later
say, “Uh oh, looks like your dad has entered the room again,” when the speaker aims
another critical arrow at his wife.
It’s also helpful for the listener, or the wife in this case, to again express how she feels
when criticized, so the therapist can draw connections between the husband and wife’s
emotional responses to criticism. Criticism then becomes the enemy, the pattern that
needs to be eliminated, rather than the partner who speaks criticisms.
By exploring the partner’s internal world where harsh messages still echo inside him or
her, and making those messages and the messenger from the past explicit and obvious,
both partners can become aware of the origins and content of such messages, and
together, work to eliminate them.
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Intervention: Compromise
Benchmarks:
When the couple talks unproductively on a solvable, perpetual, or gridlocked problem, the
therapist:
a. xplain the compromise process, which is designed to help each person identify what
E
they cannot give up as well as what they can be more flexible about.
b. ive compromise ovals handout to each partner. Note: Alternately, you may have
G
couples draw two circles on a blank sheet of paper for the first part of this intervention.
c. I nstruct each partner to identify and write out their areas of inflexibility and flexibility
and then to share them with each other.
d. irect partners to ask each other the “getting to yes” questions on the compromise
D
handout.
e. Effectively interrupt the 4 Horsemen if present.
Purpose:
Have the couple discuss their core issue with the goal of changing their gridlock to a
dialogue.
No one can tell you how to arrange things in your own relationship so that you each
feel that your dreams on this issue are being honored. You have to do this work on your
own and in your own way. But remember, the goal is not to RESOLVE this conflict. In a
perpetual issue, the goal is DIALOGUE instead of GRIDLOCK.
In this next exercise working with your perpetual or gridlocked problem, you will
continue to work towards moving from gridlock to dialogue. In this exercise, we are
introducing the concept of compromise into the dialogue. It important to remember that
this problem will probably never go away completely in your relationship. Instead, the
idea is to work to more deeply understand one another’s point of view, feelings, beliefs,
and dreams behind the issue and to search for some small area within the perpetual
problem where you might be able to reach a temporary compromise.
To make compromise work, we have to feel safe. To do that, we need to first decide what
we can’t compromise on. We identify our CORE needs in our problem area, the parts that
we are inflexible on. By identifying this in the beginning, we won’t inadvertently accept
compromise that gives away something essential to us.
For this to work it helps to adopt the Aikido principle: Yield to Win. In the Japanese
martial art, Aikido, the idea is that direct opposition, two forces opposed, is a big mistake.
We must yield to win. The truth for relationships is this:
YOU CAN ONLY BE INFLUENTIAL

IF YOU ACCEPT INFLUENCE
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Remember:
• It is not the goal to solve this problem. You won’t ever solve it!
• The goal is to move from gridlock to dialogue.
• It is a dialogue that will last for years.
• The issue may never be resolved; it just won’t hurt so much any more.
Instructions:
Review with your couple the principles of Accepting Influence and Compromise. Guide
them through the three steps to the art of compromise in this exercise. Have them use the
compromise ovals and discuss the art of compromise questions.
Do this exercise in three steps:
1. In the oval on the next page, define the minimal core needs or values you have about
this problem that you cannot yield on and write them down below in the oval, marked
“Inflexible.”
2. Define your ideas, needs and values where you have more flexibility on in your problem
area and write them down in the oval, marked “Flexible.” Try to make the outer area as
large as possible, searching for common ground for honoring each person’s dream.
3. Now work on coming up with a temporary compromise, by discussing the questions below
so that both Dreams are recognized and possibly realized, at least to some degree. Talk
about what you can and cannot do on this issue in terms of honoring your partner’s
dream right now. For example, you may be able to say:
• I can respect your dream, or,
• I can respect your dream and learn more about it, or,
• I can financially support your dream to some degree, or,
• I can join you in the dream, to some degree,
• And so on. You continue from here.
View this as the beginning of a long, long discussion. Then you can evaluate your com-
promise after a time and see where you are on the problem later.
Remember:
• Compromise never feels perfect.

• Everyone gains something and everyone loses something in a
compromise.
• The important thing is feeling understood, respected and honored in your dream.
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XX Exercise: The Art of Compromise
Three Steps of Compromise:
1. Define the minimal core areas that you cannot yield on (areas of inflexibility). Try to
keep this area as small as possible. See the compromise ovals below.
2. Define your areas of greater flexibility. Try to make this area as large as possible.
3. Now work on coming up with a temporary compromise by discussing the questions

below. Then you can evaluate your compromise after a time and see where you are
on the problem later.
COMPROMISE OVALS
Inflexible Area
Flexible Area
My inflexible area or core need on this issue is:
My more flexible areas on this issue are:
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Yield To Win:
Compromise With Me Like I Am Someone You Love.
Getting to “Yes.”
Discuss these questions with your partner:
For issues where a Dreams Within Conflict exercise has not been used:
• Help me understand why your inflexible area is so important to you.
• What are your core feelings, beliefs, or values about this issue?
For all compromise issues:

• Help me understand your flexible areas.
• What do we agree about?
• What are our common goals?
• How might these goals be accomplished?
• How can we reach a temporary compromise?
• What feelings do we have in common?
• How can I help to meet your core needs?
Our compromise that honors both our needs and dreams is:
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Group Role Play: Compromise
Scenario:
Steve and Crysta are trying to reach a compromise on what to do when Steve comes home from
work.
STEVE CRYSTA
Inner circle: Inner circle:
• needs to be part of the decision making • needs Steve to come home with positivity
process • needs Steve to be more directive when she
• needs to be filled in or be given direction delegates to him
• needs to be recognized and respected that
Outer circle:
he has a role as a father
• will try to greet Steve at the door when he
Outer circle: comes home
• Will take Crysta’s direction on how he can • will be better at giving Steve more
help her and will respect what she says direction
• will be more flexible with him intervening
with the kids
help you improve your skills in the Gottman Method.*
When the couple talks unproductively on a solvable, perpetual, or gridlocked problem, the
therapist:
a. xplain the compromise process, which is designed to help each person identify what
E
they cannot give up as well as what they can be more flexible about.
b. ive compromise ovals handout to each partner. Note: Alternately, you may have
G
couples draw two circles on a blank sheet of paper for the first part of this intervention.
c. I nstruct each partner to identify and write out their areas of inflexibility and flexibility
and then to share them with each other.
d. irect partners to ask each other the “getting to yes” questions on the compromise
D
handout.
e. Effectively interrupt 4 Horsemen if present.
*If you are pursuing certification as a Gottman Therapist, you must demonstrate your skill in helping a
couple process either a solvable or perpetual/gridlocked problem, per the benchmarks above. You will
explain the intervention to the couple and have them proceed dyadically. For a solvable problem the
tape would show the couple talking unproductively about their issue and then the therapist introduces
this intervention to help them reach a compromise. For couples with a perpetual/gridlocked problem,
the therapist explains that this intervention may help them reach a partial or temporary compromise
on a piece of their larger issue but the goal is not to reach an ultimate solution. This unedited video
segment may be shorter than 15 minutes if the full intervention and its results are shown. You may
edit out the couple writing their areas of inflexibility/flexibility as long as the beginning and end of
the writing portion is shown. The tape does not need to show the couple reaching a compromise but it
does need to include coaching couples to ask each other some of the “getting to yes” questions.
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Intervention: Dreams Within Conflict - The Concept
A central part of accepting influence is uncovering and understanding the meaning of

each person’s position in the conflict, finding out what things mean to each person.
Teach your couples what we call the “Dreams-Within-Conflict” method for accepting
influence.
In this part of the therapy, there is one major intervention. This intervention involves
breaking up the logjam of two uncompromising opposed positions by first uncovering the
dreams that we have found underlie each person’s entrenchment in an uncompromising
position. This means that in each of the two positions there are metaphors, stories, hopes,
and dreams. Each of the positions involves images and associations that are latent and
first need to be uncovered and expressed in a safe relationship climate.
Even if the couple is not in a state of crisis, they may be in a state of intense pain
because they are deadlocked on some central issues in their relationship and usually have
undergone a process of entrenchment, vilification, and control struggles and/or emotional
disengagement.
Because of the large average delay (six years) between couples first detecting that there
is something seriously wrong with their relationship and getting any kind of help, many
couples will have compounded problems when they come to see you. The usual problem
of a couple experiencing gridlock on a problem is that, after a period of years, they
undergo a process beginning with dreams in oppositions, moving on to entrenchment of
positions, fears of accepting influence, vilification, and finally emotional disengagement.
Eventually, all Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are there, and there may also be great
imbalances in domineering or belligerence.
The Dreams Within Conflict Intervention involves exploring with each person, in the
conjoint context, the symbolic meaning of each person’s position and each person’s fears
of accepting influence on this issue. Behind the position and the resistance to accepting
influence there is usually a set of metaphors, narratives, and mythological stories that go
way back into the person’s past and perhaps into the person’s primary family.
Even Seemingly Trivial Gridlocked Issues Have Symbolic Value.
Metaphors may relate to myths about the other person (which need to be challenged) or
to latent catastrophic scenarios. These may as yet be unarticulated. What are they? Where
do they come from? Explore words repeated or stressed, ideas that are emphasized, find a
word that has a particular voice tone indicating that it is loaded with meaning for the per-
son. Look for words that might be laden with meaning, such as love. Deep emotions may
be tied to these concepts. You can ask questions to try to understand: e.g., “What does it
take for you to feel loved?” and “Was there a time in your life when you felt very loved?”
or “How did your parents show you that they loved you?” You need to ask questions that
are genuine in revealing your interest.
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Intervention: Dreams Within Conflict - Releasing the Dreams
Benchmarks:
a. Stop the couple’s negative conflict interaction or refers to the context if it
occurred in a prior session. It should be clear what the gridlocked issue is.
The intervention arises from the context of the couple’s current conflict and is
not about their general hopes and dreams for their relationship.
b. Explain the Dreams Within Conflict goals clearly including:
• Finding the deeper meaning or dream within the specific gridlocked issue
• Postponing persuasion or trying to solve the problem
c. Explain the speaker-listener structure of the exercise and provide the Dream
Catcher Questions handout page.
d. Refer to the sample dream list to show clients examples of possible dreams
within a gridlocked issue.
e. Coach one partner to ask the other partner questions from the handout
to increase understanding of their partner’s underlying dreams or deeper
meaning imbedded in their specific gridlocked issue. While the general rule
is to guide one partner to ask the other partner the questions, there may be
occasional, brief exceptions when it is appropriate for the therapist to ask a
question to bring out some deeper meaning or relevant family/personal/trauma
history related to the gridlocked issue.
f. Help the listener to draw out the speaker (vs. getting into their own point of
view) and create a climate of emotional safety for the speaker to express their
dreams, when appropriate.
g. Effectively interrupts 4 Horsemen if present.
Purpose:
Reframe gridlocked conflicts as life dreams in opposition
There is an implicit reframing here: Relationship conflict that is painful and gridlocked
results from life dreams in conflict, and the answer is to help the couple to dialogue about
the issue without getting into gridlock.
Imagine an image of two clenched fists (each person’s position) in opposition. Now relax
the hands open, and from each hand a dove flies out. The dove is the dream.
The relationship has to feel safe enough for the dream to emerge.
The dream is very close to the core sense of self, and it is fragile.
People will easily become defensive if the climate is not accepting.
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Instructions:
In the next exercise, have the couple discuss their gridlocked perpetual issue. In this
exercise it is very important that they do not try to solve it. One person will be the
speaker and the other the listener, then they’ll change roles. Be sure to keep the couple’s
interaction primarily dyadic. However, you may coach the listener to ask deepening ques-
tions if appropriate.
Emphasize to your couple the following:
The bottom line about dreams is this: You don’t want to have the kind of relationship in
which you win and are influential in the relationship but wind up crushing your partner’s
dream. You want the kind of relationship in which each of you is supporting the other’s
dreams. If your dreams connect, so much the better.
During this exercise both partners need to stay with their feelings.
Women are better at this, usually, than men, even in their own friendships. It is important
for both partners to explore the meanings of their dreams with each other. Essentially,
they are trying to find out, “What is the story of your dreams, and where do they come
from?”
If your couple falls back into using the Four Horsemen, interrupt and redirect them. Then
return to the dyadic format.
Example: Don’t Do It This Way!

Partner 1: What getting a small cabin in the forest means to me is very hard to
describe. It goes back to when I would run out of my parents’ house
whenever there was conflict and an awful thing had happened to me and
I would go to a beautiful park near home and receive comfort just sitting
in an old tree. Since then, the forest has always meant peace and solace
to me. It’s the one place I feel close to God.
Partner 2: I know all of that, but it’s simply not practical for us to get a cabin. I am
the only realist in this relationship.
Partner 1: Forget it!
Partner 2: Gladly.
Example: Do It This Way!

Partner 1: What getting a small cabin in the forest means to me is very hard to
describe. It goes back to when I ran out of my parents’ house whenever
there was conflict and an awful thing had happened to me and I would go
to a beautiful park near home, and receive comfort just sitting in an old
tree. Since then, the forest has always meant peace and solace to me. It’s
the one place I feel close to God.
Partner 2: Tell me more about what it means to you to get a cabin in the forest, like
how you imagine this cabin. Can you see it in your mind? What would it
be like for you to have the cabin? What would it do for your life?
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XX Exercise: Dreams Within Conflict - Releasing the Dreams
Instructions:
In this exercise, you will have a chance to discuss your gridlocked issue. Begin by look-
ing over the following list of dreams. In this exercise, we have included a list of sample
dreams that people sometimes have (or have lost) that could underlie the position you
have taken on issues. In this exercise, one partner will begin as the speaker, and the other
partner will be the listener. When the speaker is finished, you will then switch roles. It is
important to realize that the goal is not to solve these problems. The goal is to move from
gridlock to dialogue.
Speaker’s job:
Your task is to honestly talk about your feelings and beliefs about your position on this
issue. Explore what this position means to you, what the dream might be behind your
position; tell the story of the source of this dream or this belief, where it comes from and
what it symbolizes. You must be clear and honest. What do you really want on this issue?
Why is it important to you? Try to make your partner understand.
Don’t argue for nor try to persuade your partner of your point of view; just explain how
you see things. Tell your partner all of your thoughts and feelings about your position on
this issue.
You may want to look over the list on the following page for a sample of dreams that
people sometimes have (or have lost) that could underlie the position you have taken on
this issue.
Listener’s job:
Your job here is to make your partner feel SAFE enough to tell you what’s behind her
or his position on the issue: her or his belief, dream, or story. Towards this end, you will
LISTEN, the way a friend would listen. Ask questions that draw out your partner and his
or her point of view. You can contribute to this climate if you suspend judgment and don’t
act like a judge, but like someone who wants to hear your partner’s story and the dream
behind the story. Just hear it and don’t judge it.
Don’t try to solve the problem. It is much too soon for that. You first need to end the op-
position of dreams and become one another’s friend instead of one another’s foe. Try to
understand the meaning of your partner’s dream. Be interested.
It is important to realize that the goal is not to solve these problems.

The goal is to move from gridlock to dialogue.
Do not argue for your point of view! Just listen and ask questions.
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SAMPLE QUESTIONS for the Dream Catcher (the Listener):
1. Do you have any core beliefs, ethics or values that are part of your position on this
issue?
2. Is there a story behind this for you, or does this relate to your background or
childhood history in some way?
3. Tell me why this is so important to you.
4. What feelings do you have about this issue?
5. What would be your ideal dream here?
6. Is there a deeper purpose or goal in this for you?
7. What do you wish for?
8. What do you need?
9. Is there a fear or disaster scenario in not having this dream honored?
SAMPLE DREAMS for the Dream Speaker:
1. A sense of freedom 20. Exploring an old part of myself I have

2. The experience of peace lost
3. Unity with nature 21. Getting over a personal hang up
4. Exploring who I am 22. Having a sense of order
5. Adventure 23. Being able to be productive
6. A spiritual journey 24. A place and a time to just “be”
7. Justice 25. Being able to truly relax
8. Honor 26. Reflecting on my life
9. Unity with my past 27. Getting my priorities in order
10. Healing 28. Finishing something important
11. Knowing my family 29. Exploring the physical side of myself
12. Becoming all I can be 30. Being able to compete and win
13. Having a sense of power 31. Travel
14. Dealing with my aging 32. Quietness
15. Exploring a creative side of myself 33. Atonement
16. Becoming more powerful 34. Building something important
17. Getting over past hurts 35. Ending a chapter of my life
18. Becoming more competent 36. Saying goodbye to something
19. Asking God for forgiveness 37. Love
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Group Role Play: Dreams Within Conflict
Scenario:
Crysta wants to try new activities with Steve. Steve is more cautious about doing new physical
activity.
STEVE CRYSTA
Wants shared experiences that create a bond, Spend more time together doing fun, creative
that they both look forward to. Needs time to things, be physically active together.
think through his responses to feel comfortable • creates a bond and a connection with him
with the activity Crysta wants to do. that she’s longing for
• activities were get-aways with family • feels that it adds excitement and variety
• physically not in shape • has always liked to be outdoors and
• can he succeed at this new activity or will athletic, to try new things
he fail? • feels the same rejection she felt as a kid
• preparation is important to him because of when others didn’t want to do activities
his need for control and preparing for the with her
unexpected • ideal dream would be that they find a
• likes the undivided attention she gives him common shared interest, that neither one
felt forced to do
improve your skills in the Gottman Method.*
The therapist:
a. Stops the couple’s negative conflict interaction or refers to the context if it

occurred in a prior session. It should be clear what the gridlocked issue is.
The intervention arises from the context of the couple’s current conflict and is
not about their general hopes and dreams for their relationship.
b. Explains the Dreams Within Conflict goals clearly including:
• Finding the deeper meaning or dream within the specific gridlocked issue
c. Explains the speaker-listener structure of the exercise and provides the Dream
Catcher Questions handout page.
d. Refers to the sample dream list to show clients examples of possible dreams
within a gridlocked issue.
e. Coaches one partner to ask the other partner questions from the handout
to increase understanding of their partner’s underlying dreams or deeper
meaning imbedded in their specific gridlocked issue. While the general rule
is to guide one partner to ask the other partner the questions, there may be
occasional, brief exceptions when it is appropriate for the therapist to ask a
question to bring out some deeper meaning or relevant family/personal/trauma
history related to the gridlocked issue.
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f. Helps the questioner to draw out the speaker (vs. getting into their own point
of view) and create a climate of emotional safety for the speaker to express
their dreams, when appropriate.
*If you are pursuing certification as a Certified Gottman Therapist, you will need to demonstrate using
the Dreams Within Conflict exercise when a couple has a gridlocked issue, per the benchmarks above.
In this unedited 15 minute video segment, you will stop the couple and explain the Dreams Within
Conflict intervention. You will assist and encourage the couple to ask each other questions about the
dream or deeper meaning behind their position. Note: the tape does not need to show both partners
asking questions.
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Intervention: Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident
Purpose:
The “Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident” is an exercise you can use with your
couple to help guide them in processing and evaluating what happened in their last argu-
ment with each other. It is designed to increase understanding between the two of them.
The idea is that there is no absolute reality in any relationship conflict, only two subjec-
tive realities or points of view. Both are right. This structure can help the couple to dis-
cuss and process without getting back into the fight.
Instructions:
Hand your couple a copy of the “Aftermath of a Fight” exercise. Guide them through the
list and questions in this exercise as they process a fight.
Aftermath of a Fight
HOW TO REPAIR AFTER A FIGHT OR
REGRETTABLE INCIDENT
Tools for an Effective Repair Conversation
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XX Exercise: Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident
THE FIVE STEPS
Work through the following five steps together

1. Feelings:
Share how you felt. Do not say why you felt that way. Avoid
commenting on your partner’s feelings.
2. Realities:
Describe your “reality.” Take turns. Summarize and validate
at least a part of your partner’s reality.
3. Triggers:
Share what experiences or memories you’ve had that might
have escalated the interaction, and the stories of why these
are triggers for each of you.
4. Responsibility:
Acknowledge your own role in contributing to the fight or
regrettable incident.
5. Constructive Plans:
Plan together one way that each of you can make it better
next time.
This booklet is for “processing” past fights, regrettable incidents
or past emotional injuries.
“Processing” means that you can talk about the incident without
getting back into it again. It needs to be a conversation – as if
you were both sitting in the balcony of a theater looking down
on the stage where the action had occurred. This requires calm
and some emotional distance from the incident.
Before you begin

Keep in mind the GOAL is greater understanding – addressing
the process and how the issue was talked about, without getting
back into the fight. So, wait until you’re both calm.
We assume that each of your realities has validity. Perception is
everything. Don’t focus on “the facts.”
Pay attention to the common barriers to communication and
their antidotes as you move through the process. The “Four
Horsemen” reference on the last page of this booklet can help.
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STEP 1 FEELINGS
Share how you felt, but not why yet. Aloud.
I felt:
1. defensive 19. out of control 38. my opinions didn’t
2. not listened to 20. frustrated even matter
3. feelings got hurt 21. righteously indignant 39. there was a lot of give
and take
4. totally flooded 22. morally justified
40. I had no feelings at all
5. angry 23. unfairly picked on
41. I had no idea what I
6. sad 24. unappreciated
was feeling
7. unloved 25. disliked
42. lonely
8. misunderstood 26. unattractive
43. alienated
9. criticized 27. stupid
44. ashamed
10. took a complaint 28. morally outraged
45. guilty
personally 29. taken for granted
46. culpable
11. like you didn’t even 30. like leaving
like me 47. abandoned
31. like staying and talking
12. not cared about 48. disloyal
this through
13. worried 49. exhausted
32. I was overwhelmed
14. afraid with emotion 50. foolish
15. unsafe 33. not calm 51. overwhelmed
16. tense 34. stubborn 52. remorseful
17. I was right and you 35. powerless 53. shocked

were wrong 36. I had no influence 54. tired
18. both of us were 37. I wanted to win
partly right this one
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STEP 2 REALITIES
Subjective Reality and Validation
1. Take turns describing your perceptions, your own reality of
what happened during the regrettable incident. Describe
only what YOU saw, heard and felt, not what you think your
partner meant or felt. Avoid attack and blame. Talk about
what you might have needed from your partner. Describe
your perceptions like a reporter, giving an objective moment-
by-moment description. Say “I heard you say,” rather than,
“You said.” This leaves room for your partner to correct
anything misheard or misunderstood.
2. Summarize and then validate your partner’s reality by
saying something like, “It makes sense to me now why you
saw it this way, and what your needs were.” Use empathy
by saying something like, “I can see why this upset you.”
Validation doesn’t mean you agree, but that you can
understand even a part of your partner’s experience of
the incident.
3. Do both partners feel understood? If yes, move on. If no, ask,
“What do I need to know to understand your perspective
better?” After summarizing and validating, ask your partner,
“Did I get it?” and “Is there anything else?”
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STEP 3 TRIGGERS
1. Share what escalated the interaction for you. What events
in the interaction triggered a big reaction in you?
2. As you rewind the video tape of your memory, stop at a
point where you had a similar set of feelings triggered in
the past. Now, tell the story of that past moment to your
partner, so your partner can understand why that is a
trigger for you.
3. Continue to share your stories—it will help your partner
to understand you. As you think about your early history
or childhood, is there another story you remember
that relates to what got triggered in you, your “enduring
vulnerabilities?” Your partner needs to know you, so that
your partner can be more sensitive to you.
Examples of Triggers:
1. I felt judged. I’m very sensitive to that.
2. I felt excluded. I’m very sensitive to that.
3. I felt criticized. I’m very sensitive to that.
4. I felt flooded.
5. I felt ashamed.
6. I felt lonely.
7. I felt belittled.
8. I felt disrespected.
9. I felt powerless.
10. I felt out of control.
11. Other:
Validation
Does any part of your partner’s triggers and story make sense
to you?
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STEP 4 TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

Under ideal conditions, you might have done better at talking
about this issue.
What set you up for the miscommunication? What was your state
of mind?
Share how you set yourself up to get into this conflict:
What set me up:
1. I’d been very stressed and irritable lately.
2. I’d not expressed much appreciation toward you lately.
3. I’d taken you for granted.
4. I’d been overly sensitive lately.
5. I’d been overly critical lately.
6. I’d not shared very much of my inner world.
7. I’d not been emotionally available.
8. I’d been turning away more.
9. I’d been getting easily upset.
10. I’d been depressed lately.
11. I’d had a chip on my shoulder lately.
12. I’d not been very affectionate.
13. I’d not made time for good things between us.
14. I’d not been a very good listener lately.
15. I’d not asked for what I needed.
16. I’d been feeling a bit like a martyr.

17. I’d needed to be alone.
18. I’d not wanted to take care of anybody.
19. I’d been very preoccupied.
20. I hadn’t felt very much confidence in myself.
21. I’d been running on empty.
Read aloud the items that were true for you on this list.
Specifically what do you regret, and specifically, what was your

contribution to this regrettable incident or fight?
What do you wish to apologize for?
I’m sorry that:
1. I over-reacted.
2. I was really grumpy.
3. I was defensive.
4. I was so negative.
5. I attacked you.
6. I didn’t listen to you.
7. I wasn’t respectful.
8. I was unreasonable.
9. ___________________
If you accept your partner’s apology, say so. If not, say what you
still need.
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STEP 5 CONSTRUCTIVE PLANS

What is one thing your partner can do differently to avoid an
incident like this from happening again? Share one thing your
partner can do to make a discussion of this issue better next time.
Then, while it’s still your turn, share one thing you can do to make
it better next time.
What do you need to be able to put this behind you and move on?
Be as agreeable as possible to the plans suggested by your partner.
10
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Group Role Play: Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident
Scenario:
Steve was having problems with communicating to his patients at work and his partners
wanted to send him to Kansas to get help. His partners were having meetings without
him. He was to leave for this trip in 3 days.
STEVE CRYSTA
Feelings: frustrated, powerless, ashamed, Feelings: not listened to, flooded, angry,
abandoned, alienated. misunderstood, criticized, worried, afraid,
unsafe, tense, I was right/you were wrong,
Subjective reality: called Crysta to tell her out of control, frustrated, unfairly picked on,
what was happening, the process of what his morally outraged, wanted to leave, wanted to
partners wanted him to do. He felt supported talk it through, stubborn, powerless, opinions
by her initially on the phone. After she spoke didn’t matter, exhausted, overwhelmed,
to some people for advice, he felt unsupported shocked, remorseful, tired.
and misunderstood, and alone. This was
something he had to do, he had no options. He Subjective reality: She was worried he was
felt ashamed about the situation he got himself going to lose his job and that sending him to
into and that he was powerless to change what Kansas could have been steps they were taking
was going to happen. He needed Crysta to be to fire him from the practice. She knew she
supportive of him and the process. had to be supportive over the phone, but was
worried that he was being taken advantage of.
Responsibility: She didn’t feel listened to, even though she
Steve wasn’t tuning into anyone else’s had gotten advice from others. She screams
needs but his own, let alone Crysta’s needs. at his partners while he’s on the phone with
Apologizes for not picking up the phone. them. She was also worried about having to
give up the possibility of being on Survivor.
Did not feel empathy from Steve about that
potential loss to her. Drank wine. She kicked
him out of the house and then wanted him
back when she felt abandoned. He wouldn’t
answer her phone calls. She went to his
brother’s house late at night and honked the
horn so that he’d come out. He had his family
call her psychologist. The psychologist called
Crysta and said all she needed was for Steve to
call her. Steve would not come home without
his brother because he thought she would
injure him. She felt betrayed when he didn’t
trust her to not do something to injure him.
Responsibility:
Regrets getting out of control; she didn’t listen
and trust him. She was negative, attacked him,
and was unreasonable.
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Intervention: Build Rituals of Emotional Connection
Doherty’s (1997) book The Intentional Family emphasizes formal and informal rituals of
connection in families. The statistics are alarming about the percentage of U.S. families
who do not regularly eat dinner together. Less than 33 percent of U.S. families eat dinner
together, and more than half of these have the TV on during dinner. TV is well known for
killing conversation. The typical amount of conversation that parents have with their chil-
dren is 35 minutes a week. Dual-career couples tend to converse about two hours a week.
The average U.S. child watches four hours of TV a day. Doherty argues for building in
meaningful rituals of connection in families both for informal events (such as partings,
homecomings, bedtimes), for more formal events (such as birthdays, anniversaries), and
for holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Passover, Ramadan). He suggests that these ritu-
als be scripted so everyone knows who is doing what where, how the ritual begins, and
continues and so that he or she is excited.
Gottman Method Therapy modified this approach to have people review how these
events were handled and mishandled in their own primary family. This can reveal a great
deal of ambivalence about the ritual and projections around unresolved conflict. Ask
people, for example, to describe, when creating a ritual around birthdays, birthday di-
sasters in their childhood and a great birthday as well. These narratives often reveal the
dynamics of current conflicts. They can then be a lead-in to designing and scripting the
ideal birthday ritual.
Gottman Method believes this is important for avoiding relapse. As part of the meanings
interview, consider interviewing couples about the important formal and informal rituals
in their lives, about the meaning of their roles, about their goals and values, and about the
symbols that are important in their lives.
Doherty (1997) also talks specifically about building rituals of emotional connection in
families. He discusses both informal rituals such as family meals, rising and retiring,
leave-taking and reunions; somewhat more formal rituals such as anniversaries and birth-
days; and more formal rituals such as Passover, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Doherty
suggests that these rituals be scripted, so that everyone knows how the ritual is orches-
trated. Writing down the ritual will make it more likely to actually happen and become a
family tradition with some meaning.
Today many couples leave important events of emotional connection as the very last
thing they do in a busy schedule. Because of this, these emotional connections rarely hap-
pen, usually not because of an intention to actively avoid one another, but because people
don’t make time for them. If these events are built as rituals (formal or informal), they be-
come dependable times that people can derive contact, connection, and meaning in their
families. The idea here is to build in a set of rituals surrounding informal but significant
daily events; these are rituals of connection surrounding informal events.
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It may be helpful to go back to each person’s memories of primary family and ask
about the rituals of connection surrounding these events. Try to elicit rich narratives
about these events. Ask about the typical ritual, and then ask about the worst and the best
such event. For example, ask people to recall their worst birthday experience growing up.
One reason to ask these questions is that there are often unresolved conflicts or traumas
surrounding these events, and these get played out in the relationship and keep leading
to disappointment, defensiveness, and hurt. These reactions may be projections onto a
hapless partner, but they are attributed to that partner’s character. In this exploration,
also try to uncover the central elements that each person needs for these rituals to have
meaning and for becoming pleasant events they look forward to.
The therapist can expect to encounter considerable resistance to creating these rituals
of connection. This resistance will reveal the blocks there are towards intimacy in this
relationship. They are worth exploring in their own right.
Once the rituals of connection are in place, this is only part of the picture. There will
be times when people miss one another during these times. There will be arguments
and failed bids. Because of this, it is very helpful to use the aftermath-of-failed-bids
questionnaires to help people process these unfortunate events and ensure that they don’t
happen very often.
Instructions: The idea here is for the couple to build in a set of rituals surrounding
informal but significant daily events. Ask the couple to discuss and build rituals for each
of the items in the exercise. A Ritual of Connection needs to be thought out and planned.
When will it happen? How often? Where? Who will initiate it? How will it unfold? How
will it end?
Another example of a Ritual of Connection is greeting each other at the end of the day.
Will there be a hug? A kiss? Questions like, “What were your highs?” “Your lows?” Your
couple can decide which ritual they would like to include in their lives together using the
following exercise.
Have them script these carefully so each person knows what they are supposed to do and
when. This includes entry into the ritual, the roles each person will have in the ritual, and
its ending. Suggestions are included. Have them discuss and write rituals that work for
them.
You may use the suggestions in the following exercise, or you may use the “Build Rituals
of Connection” card deck.
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XX Exercise: Build Rituals of Emotional Connection
Instructions:
This exercise involves discussing and building rituals for each of the events listed. Script
these carefully so each person knows what they are supposed to do and when. This
includes entry into the ritual, the roles each person will have in the ritual, and its ending.
Some suggestions are included. Discuss, and write rituals that work for you.
Leave-taking: Don’t leave without knowing at least one thing that is going to happen in
your partner’s life that day.
Reunions: When coming back home, there is an affectionate greeting, a loving kiss that
lasts at least several seconds (not a peck on the cheek).
Mealtimes: Come together at meals and share the events of the day. Each person gets a
chance to talk. Make meals an environment of peace, affection, support, and attention.
Avoid conflict during dinners.
Eating out: Eating out can be a special event that can turn an ordinary end of a day into
a celebration or a romantic event. Eating in a favorite restaurant can become a family
tradition and ritual with considerable meaning.
After-meal coffee or tea: Doherty and his wife, Leah, created a tradition after dinner
in which their children played or did homework while the two of them talked. They all
cleaned up after dinner, and then Bill made the coffee and brought it out to Leah in the
living room, and they talked for about an hour. It was a time of peace and connection.
The reunion stress-reducing conversation: Each person gets a turn to talk about what
was stressful that day (not about the relationship) and to receive support.
Bedtimes: Going to bed is a time when there can be cuddling, physical affection, letting
go of tension and irritability. Don’t go to sleep without a kiss (not a perfunctory one).
Morning rituals: For many families, mornings are chaotic times, but this need not be
the case at all. They can be times of connection when everyone is sent off with positive
wishes and a good spirit.
Dates and getaways: These are times when the couple gets a babysitter and does
something alone, on their own, including talking to one another. No kids are to be
present. In our child-centered families, these dates and getaways (such as for a weekend
to a bed and breakfast inn) become very rare. We recommend a weekly date and weekend
getaways three times a year.
When one person is sick: Rituals surrounding getting sick and being taken care of can be
very important to people. Often spouses have very different ideas about how they want to
be treated when they are sick.
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Celebrations of a triumph: How does this family deal with pride and praise, celebrate
successes, and acknowledge and reward achievement? I recommend that the family build
what I call a culture of praise. By this I mean that it is possible to search for things to be
thankful for and pleased about, even if these are only small and everyday things.
Rituals surrounding bad luck, failure, fatigue, or exhaustion: How does this family
heal, support, or renew itself?
Rituals surrounding entertaining: The idea of a home and bringing friends into it can
lead to important rituals of connection for a couple and for children.
Rituals surrounding keeping in touch with kin and friends: Family events, reunions,
and so on can play a vital role in families.
Rituals surrounding initiating and refusing love-making and talking about it: These
are often very important events that get left for the very end of the day when everyone
is exhausted and has little left for tenderness—or for facing potential rejection. The
famous sex therapist Lonnie Barbach says that couples often think these events should
be spontaneous, and so they avoid any scripting or planning. However, if they think back
to their courtship they recall that romantic dates were often planned, even the attire,
perfume, place to go, music and wine for the return to his or her apartment, and so on.
Once married, suddenly these events become an afterthought, and, hence, a casualty of
being married. This has led to the old saw that a relationship is the cure for lust.
Vacations: The way people introduce a need or idea for a vacation, how they plan the
trip, and what the vacation itself is like: Do people take work to do? Are they available to
the office? How separate are they, how together? etc.
There are rituals of connection that surround somewhat more formal events, such as
anniversaries, birthdays, and so on: Then there are the more formal events and holidays
that tend to be rich in emotional significance and may involve extended family or
community. These constitute a yearly holiday cycle, which can be imbued with profound
meaning.
Rituals of passage: Doherty also talks about rituals of passage such as baptisms,
circumcisions, bat mitzvahs, first communions, weddings, and funerals. These meaningful
events punctuate the family life cycle and are usually community events as well.
11-85
Group Role Play: Build Rituals of Connection
Scenario:
Wants to improve lovemaking by being more adventurous and fun.
important to her because they used to have fun and be adventurous, now when she tries to have
fun he turns her down and she’s rejected. wonders if it was exciting for him in the past and why
doesn’t excite him now? Likes to use her imagination and be creative.
He’s worried about interruptions, door doesn’t lock well, worried about the kids walking in. Not
ok with sex in a moving car. But is ok with more creativity in their sex life.
Make a weekend of it, go to a hotel. Gives them freedom. Crysta will make the hotel reservations
and arrange for child care. They will go on their weekend trip every two months.
Therapist’s instructions:
Discuss and build rituals for the items in the exercise. A Ritual of Connection needs to be thought
out and planned. When will it happen? How often? Where? Who will initiate it? How will it
unfold? How will it end?
Another example of a Ritual of Connection is greeting each other at the end of the day. Will there
be a hug? A kiss? Questions like, “What were your highs?” “Your lows?” Your couple can decide
which ritual they would like to include in their lives together using the following exercise.
Script these carefully so each person knows what they are supposed to do and when. This
includes entry into the ritual, the roles each person will have in the ritual, and its ending.
Suggestions are included. Discuss and write rituals that work for you.
QUESTIONS:
a. What is meaningful about this for you?
b. When will this be done?
c. How often will it be done?
d. How long should it last each time?
e. Who will initiate it?
f. Who will do what in this ritual?
g. What will happen next?
h. How will it end?
i. How can we integrate this into our lives so we can count on it?
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12-1
12. Additional Gottman Method Interventions

Sound Relationship House Level Intervention Page
Build Love Maps The Gottman Love Map Exercise 12-5

Build a Map of Your Partner’s Everyday Life 12-9
Injury and Healing 12-13
Ask Open-Ended Questions 12-17
Share Fondness and Admiration Thanksgiving Checklist 12-23
7-Week Guide for Creating Fondness and Admiration 12-27
Fondness and Admiration in Everyday Life 12-31
An Exercise in Thanksgiving 12-35
Turn Towards Behavior Exchange 12-39
Working as a Team: Building the Paper Tower 12-43
Negotiating Power: Who Does What in the Relationship? 12-47
The Aftermath of Failed Bids 12-53
How Do You Change Your Relationship? 12-59
The Emotional Communication Game 12-63
Sex, Romance, and Passion (Salsa Cards) 12-73
Three Skills of Intimate Conversation 12-81
Manage Conflict Choosing One Gridlocked Issue and One Solvable Issue 12-89
Ending Gridlock: Fears of Accepting Influence 12-95
Accepting Influence: Find Common Ground 12-97
Consensus Decision-Making Task: Mountain Survival Problem 12-99
Working Together as a Team: The Island Survival Task 12-105
Accept What You Cannot Change: Accept One Another 12-113
Find Dreams in Each Other’s Gridlock 12-117
Video Playback 12-135
Repair Checklist 12-137
Meta-Emotion Interview 12-141
Dealing with Meta-Emotion Mismatch 12-151
Which Relationship Style Do You Prefer? 12-155
Create Shared Meaning and Build The Meanings Interview 12-161
Build Shared Meaning 12-169
Mission and Legacy 12-175
Triumphs and Strivings 12-179
Relapse and Resetting the Negativity Threshold: The Relationship
Relapse 12-185
“Poop Detector”
Preventing, Assessing and Managing Relapse: Relapse Questionnaire 12-189
Expect Relapse: Follow-up Sessions 12-193
The Magic Five and One-half Hours a Week 12-195
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12-4
12-5
Intervention: The Gottman Love Map Exercise
Purpose: The couple establishes a baseline in their knowledge of one another, and each
partner begins to become very well-known to the other. Cognitive room begins to be
allocated for each partner. Our research has revealed that a very powerful predictor
of relationship stability is whether couples, particularly husbands in heterosexual
relationships, allocate Cognitive Room for their relationship and for the world of their
partner. It is as if the masters of relationship have developed a map of the world of their
partners, a cognitive map of their relationship and its history, and a map of their partner’s
history, concerns, preferences, and the current world of their partner. Love Maps are
created by asking open-ended questions. An open-ended question is a question that can’t
be answered by a simple “yes” or “no.” It is a question such as, “How would you like our
life to change in the next five years?”
The goal is to change the way couples move through time together.
Instructions: Have the couple sit facing each other with Partner A holding the Love Map
Card Deck with the title facing up. Have Partner A pick a card, read the back of it out
loud, and answer it in terms of Partner B’s world. Then Partner B can say, “Yes, that’s
right,” or “No, good try. Here’s the right answer . . . .” Then have the partners trade roles.
It’s then Partner B’s turn to pick up a card, read the question on the back, and answer it in
terms of Partner A’s inner world. Have them keep alternating, taking turns to draw cards.
This is a great way for them to get to know more about each other. Suggest that they be
gentle with each other and have fun.
If you do not own The Gottman Love Map Card Deck, you can have your couples use
the questions on these pages. These are the same questions used in the Card Deck. If
you would like to purchase The Gottman Love Map Card Deck, you can order it online at
www.gottman.com.
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12-7
XX Exercise: The Gottman Love Map Exercise
Pick a question from the list below, read it out loud, and answer it in terms of your part-
ner’s world. Your partner can say, “Yes, that’s right,” or “No, good try. Here’s the right
answer…..” Then trade roles. Keep alternating, taking turns. This is a great way to get
to know more about your partner. This is not competitive. Be gentle when correcting
your partner’s answers.
1. Name your partner’s two closest friends.

2. What is your partner’s favorite musical group, composer or instrument?
3. What was your partner wearing when you first met?
4. What are your partner’s hobbies?
5. Where was your partner born?
6. What stresses are facing your partner in the immediate future?
7. Describe in detail your partner’s day, either today or yesterday.
8. When is your partner’s birthday?
9. What is the date of your anniversary?
10. Who is your partner’s favorite relative?
11. What is your partner’s fondest dream, as yet unachieved?
12. What is your partner’s favorite flower?
13. What is one of your partner’s worst fears in life?
14. What is your partner’s favorite time for making love?
15. What makes your partner feel most competent?
16. What turns your partner on sexually?
17. What is your partner’s favorite food?
18. What is your partner’s favorite way to spend an evening?
19. What is your partner’s favorite color?
20. What personal improvements does your partner want to make in his or her life?
21. What kind of present would your partner like best?
22. What was one of your partner’s best childhood experiences?
23. What was your partner’s favorite vacation?
24. What is one of your partner’s favorite ways of being soothed?
25. Who is your partner’s greatest source of support (other than you)?
26. With whom does your partner currently have a conflict?
27. What is your partner’s favorite sport?
28. What does your partner like to do with time off?
29. What is one of your partner’s favorite weekend activities?
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30. What is your partner’s favorite getaway place?

31. What is your partner’s favorite movie?
32. What are some of the important events coming up in your partner’s life and how does
he or she feel about them?
33. What are some of your partner’s favorite ways to work out?
34. What is your partner’s favorite cologne or perfume?
35. Who was your partner’s best friend in childhood?
36. What is one of your partner’s favorite magazines?
37. Name one of your partner’s major rivals or “enemies.”
38. What would be an ideal job for your partner?
39. What is your partner’s major fear?
40. Who is your partner’s least favorite relative?
41. What is your partner’s favorite holiday?
42. What is your partner’s favorite kind of reading?
43. What is your partner’s favorite TV show?
44. Who is your partner’s favorite poet?
45. What is your partner’s favorite side of the bed?
46. What is your partner currently most sad about?
47. What is one of your partner’s concerns or worries?
48. What medical problems does your partner worry about?
49. What was your partner’s most embarrassing moment?
50. What is your partner’s worst childhood experience?
51. Which people does your partner most admire in the world? Name two.
52. Who is your partner’s least favorite person you both know?
53. What is one of your partner’s favorite desserts?
54. What is your partner’s social security number?
55. What is one of your partner’s favorite novels?
56. What is your partner’s favorite romantic restaurant?
57. What are two of your partner’s aspirations, hopes, or wishes?
58. Does your partner have a secret ambition? What is it?
59. What foods does your partner hate?
60. What is your partner’s favorite animal?
61. What is your partner’s favorite song?
62. What is your partner’s favorite tree?
12-9
Intervention: Build a Map of Your Partner’s Everyday Life
Purpose: Couples generalize the building of their Love Maps into everyday interactions.
This could take more than one session if all the exercises are used. See attached form for
Building a Map of Your Partner’s Everyday Life. Have them use this form in an exercise
in which they have to interview one another to fill out the form. This is something the
couple could do regularly on dates.
Instructions: Hand each partner his or her own copy of Build A Map of Your Partner’s
Everyday Life. Have each partner take turns answering out loud each question in the
following list in terms of their partner’s world. For example, for “Friends?” have Partner
A name those people who he or she thinks are Partner B’s friends. If the answer is right,
Partner A writes down the answers on his or her sheet. If the other partner corrects the an-
swer, Partner A writes down the corrected answer instead. Have them take turns answer-
ing each item, offering corrections and writing answers on their sheet. No advice-giving,
please.
Additional Exercises: The following exercises are structured conversations that the
couple will have in the therapist’s office. For each exercise, the couple is asked to have
this same type of conversation once at home in the following week.
Exercise: Have the couple take turns as speaker and listener and discuss the
most important events in their own personal recent and upcoming life. Elaborate
the Love Map.
Exercise: Have the couple take turns as speaker and listener and discuss what
they would like their life to be like in five years [or the immediate future]:
Elaborate the Love Map.
Exercise: Have the couple take turns as speaker and listener and discuss changes
they would like to make to improve aspects of their own personal life (not
related to the relationship); for example, lose weight, get in shape, and so on.
Elaborate the Love Map.
Homework: Have the couple, together, find one way of making contact mentally every
day when they are apart. Have this be based on their knowledge of what is going on in
their partner’s life that day. They have them talk about their days at the end of the day,
during the Events of the Day conversation.
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12-11
XX Exercise: Build a Map of Your Partner’s Everyday Life
Instructions: Ask questions and fill in the list below for your partner.
The Cast of Characters in your partner’s life:
Who are your friends?
Who are your potential friends?
Who are your rivals, competitors, enemies?
What are some recent important events (what has occurred recently that is important)?
What are some upcoming events (what is your partner looking forward to)?
What are your current stresses (what are some current stresses in your partner’s life right
now)?
What are your big worries (what is your partner worried about; we worry about future
events)?
What are your hopes and aspirations (for self, for others)?
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Intervention: Injury and Healing
Instructions: Hand each partner a notebook and a pen. Have the couple read through the
questions in the Injury and Healing exercise and write their own responses in their own
notebooks. Then have them share as much of their answers with their partners as they feel
comfortable doing.
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XX Exercise: Injury and Healing
This exercise is designed for you to write about some aspects of your own life and your
own personality that will help you and your partner understand you better. In your own
notebook, answer the following questions as candidly as you can. Then if you like, share
your answers with your partner.
What difficult events have you gone through in your life?
Write down the story of the psychological insults and injuries you have sustained in your
life, your losses, disappointments, trials, and tribulations. Include periods of stress and
duress, as well as quieter periods of despair, hopelessness, and loneliness that you have
been through.
These events might have been traumatic or partially traumatic and stressful. They
might include your childhood or your adult life. They may be periods of no power,
humiliating events or people, events of molestation, abuse, rape, or torture. They
may include previous, harmful relationships.
How have you coped and gotten through these events and periods in your life?
How have you endured? What were the lasting effects on you of going through
these things?
How did you strengthen and heal yourself? How did you redress your grievances?
How did you revive and restore yourself?
How did you gird and protect yourself against this ever happening to you again?
What were the means you established inside you for renewal, healing, and
self-protection?
How do these injuries and the ways you protect and heal yourself affect your
relationship today? What do you want your partner to know and understand about
these aspects of your self?
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12-17
Intervention: Ask Open-Ended Questions
The next step in knowing your partner is to ask questions that deepen your understanding
of them.
“Did you call the plumber today?” is not a question that tells you much about your part-
ner’s internal world.
Try asking, “If you had all the money in the world, what would your dream house be
like?” You’d find out something entirely different. Open-ended questions have stories
for answers—and layers of meaning that can help you understand the heart of who your
partner is.
Instructions: Take the Open-Ended Questions deck of cards. Divide it in half. Each of
you look through your half of the cards, then pick a card from your half of the deck, so
that each of you will then have one open-ended question to ask your partner. Take turns
asking your partner the question you selected and listen to your partner’s answer to that
question. If your partner doesn’t want to answer that question, please pick another card
(and question) to ask your partner. Do not be judgmental or critical as you listen to your
partner’s answer. Instead, be supportive and empathetic. Alternate roles as speaker and
listener.
If you do not own The Gottman Open-Ended Questions Card Deck, you can have your
couples use the questions on the following pages. These are the same questions used in
the Card Deck. If you would like to purchase The Gottman Open-Ended Questions Card
Deck, you can order it online at www.gottman.com.
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12-19
XX Exercise Ask Open-Ended Questions Card Deck
1. What do you want your life to be like in, say three years from now?
2. How do you see your work changing in the future?
3. H
ow do you feel about our physical home? Any architectural changes you’d like to
make?
4. How would you compare yourself as a mother (father) to your own mother (father)?
5. What kind of person do you think our child(ren) will become? Any fears? Any hopes?
6. Is our child like anyone in your family? Who?
7. How do you feel about your family right now? Have these feelings changed lately?
8. How do you feel about work now?
9. How are you feeling now about being a mother (father)?
10. What do you find exciting in life right now?
11. What are your biggest worries about the future?
12. How do you think we could have more fun in our life?
13. Who are your best allies and close friends right now? How have they or you changed?
14. Have any of your friends drifted away or become a bit weird?
15. Who in your life is most stressful to you? Why?
16. What do you need right now in a friend?
17. What things are missing in your life?
18. How have you changed in the last year?
19. Have your goals in life changed recently?
20. What are some of your life dreams now?
21. What goals do you have for our family?
22. What goals do you have just for your self right now?
23. What is one way you would like to change?
24. What legacy do you want our family to take from your family? From your culture?
25. What are some unfulfilled things in your life?
26. What would you change about our finances right now?
27. Where would you like to travel?
12-20
28. What adventures would you like to have before you die?
29. Has your outlook on life changed in the past two years?
30. If you could live one other person’s life, whose life would you choose and why?
31. If you could live during any other time period in history, when would you choose to
live and why?
32. What do you imagine your life would be like if you lived 100 years from now?
33. If you could design the perfect house for us, what would it look like?
34. If you could choose any other career or vocation other than what you do now, what
would you choose and why?
35. What were the highlights and low-lights of your adolescence?
36. If you could wake up tomorrow with 3 new skills in which you excelled, what would
they be and why?
37. If you could re-do any decade of your life, which decade would you choose and why?
(example: your first 10 years, age 10 – 20, 20 – 30, etc.)
38. What kind of year has this been for you? Tell me the story of your proudest moment.
39. How have you changed as a daughter or son?
40. How have you changed as a brother or sister?
41. What relatives have you felt closest too and why?
42. Who has been the most difficult person in your life (other than a partner or spouse)
and why?
43. If you could change into any animal for 24 hours, what would it be and why?
44. Who was your childhood hero or heroine and why?
45. If you could live in any other country but your home country, which would you pick
and why?
46. If you could experience being any other person for 24 hours, who would you pick and
why?
47. If you could be a genius in any art, music, drama, or dance, which talent would you
choose and why?
48. If you could be a superstar in any sport, which sport would you choose and why?
49. If you could be the richest person in the world, what would you do with your money?
50. If you could look like anyone else in the world, who would you pick & why?
51. If you could change one characteristic about yourself, what would it be and why?
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12-22
12-23
Intervention: Thanksgiving Checklist
Purpose: Briefly increase fondness and admiration, and then build on this.
Instructions: Prepare two copies of the Thanksgiving Checklist and give one copy to
each partner to complete.
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12-25
XX Exercise: Thanksgiving Checklist
Instructions: In this exercise, you may select, from the following list of items, three
things you really appreciate about your partner. Then tell your partner about the things
you are thankful for. This can be as simple as a statement like, “I really like the way you
are sensitive to my moods.”
Tell your partner the things you value and give thanks to her or him for these things. Here
is a partial list you might include:
Her or his energy

How you feel about her or his strength
The way she or he is commanding
The way she or he lets you direct things
How sensitive she or he is to you
How she or he supports you and responds to your moods
Her or his ability to read you
How you feel about her or his skin
How you feel about her or his face
How you feel about her or his warmth
How you feel about her or his strength
How you feel about her or his hair
How you feel about the way she or he touches you
How safe you feel with her or him
How you feel about her or his tenderness
How you feel about her or his imagination
How you feel about her or his eyes.
The way you trust her or him
How you feel about her or his passion
Her or his knowledge of you
How you feel about her or his gracefulness
The way she or he kisses you
Her or his playfulness
Her or his competence as a partner
Her or his competence as a parent
How she or he is as a friend
Her or his humor
How she or he looks in clothes
Her or his loyalty
How you feel about her or his style
Anything else about her or him?
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12-27
Intervention: 7-Week Guide for Creating Fondness &

Admiration
Purpose: Have the couple work on the Fondness and Admiration System that is in their
own heads. Help them change how they think about the story of their relationship over
seven weeks.
Instructions: Prepare two copies of the 7-Week Guide for Creating Fondness &
Admiration, and work with them on this exercise. This exercise is also available as a
booklet on www.gottman.com.
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XX Exercise: 7-Week Guide for Creating Fondness &

Admiration
Instructions: The following checklist contains items that are relationship-enhancing

thoughts that can replace the distress-maintaining thoughts that lead to the distance and
isolation cascade. Take this checklist to work with you and do the tasks suggested below.
Do one a day. Try to genuinely think and rehearse these positive thoughts about your
partner and your relationship.
Week 1:
I am genuinely fond of my partner. List one characteristic you find endearing or

lovable.
I can easily speak of the good times in our relationship. Pick one good time and write a
paragraph about it.
I can easily remember romantic, special times in our relationship. Pick one such time
and think about it.
I am physically attracted to my partner. Think of one physical attribute you like.
My partner has specific qualities that make me proud. Write down one characteristic
that makes you proud.
Week 2:
I feel a genuine sense of “we” as opposed to “I” in this relationship. Think of one thing
that you both have in common.
We have the same general beliefs and values. Describe one belief you both have.
We have common goals. List two such goals.
My partner is my best friend. What secret about you does your partner know?
I get lots of support in this relationship. Think of a time that you got really good
support.
Week 3:
My home is a place to come to get support and reduce stress. List a time when your
partner helped you reduce stress.
I can easily recall the time we first met. Describe it on paper.
I remember many details about deciding to get married. Describe it in a paragraph.
I can recall our wedding and honeymoon. Describe one thing about them you enjoyed.
We divide up household chores in a fair way. Describe one way that you do this on a
regular basis.
12-30
Week 4:
We have planned things and have a sense of control over our lives together. Describe
one thing you both planned together.
I am proud of this relationship. What are you proud of?
I am proud of my family. Be specific about a time you felt this pride.
There are some things I don’t like about my partner but I can live with them. What are
these minor faults?
This relationship is a lot better than most I have seen. Think of a relationship you know
that’s awful.
Week 5:
I was lucky to meet my partner. List one benefit being with your partner conveys to
you.
Relationships are sometimes a struggle, but it’s worth it. Think of one difficult time you
weathered together.
There is a lot of affection between us. Plan a surprise gift for your partner for tonight.
We are genuinely interested in one another. Think of something to do or to talk about
together that would be interesting.
We find one another to be good companions. Plan an outing together.
Week 6:
There is lots of good loving in my relationship. Think of a special trip you took
together.
My partner is an interesting person. Plan something to ask your partner about that
interests both of you.
We respond well to one another. Write a love letter to your partner and mail it.
If I had it to do over again, I would be involved with or marry the same person. Plan
an anniversary (or other) getaway.
There is lots of mutual respect in my relationship. Take a class together.
Week 7:
Sex is usually quite satisfying in this relationship. Plan an evening of massage.

We have come a long way together. Think of all you have accomplished as a team.
I think we can weather any storm together. Reminisce about having made it through a
hard time.
We enjoy each other’s senses of humor. Rent a comedy video, and watch it together.
My partner can be very cute. Get very dressed up for an elegant evening together.
12-31
Intervention: Fondness and Admiration in Everyday Life
Purpose: Help move the couple to integrating the Fondness and Admiration System into
their everyday lives.
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XX Exercise: Fondness and Admiration in Everyday Life
Homework: Do the following exercise at home.
Make your own fondness and admiration checklist about your partner. Memorize the list
and rehearse it or parts of it daily. Develop a new flattering nickname for your partner
(e.g., “The Human Dynamo” “The Humming Bird Lover”). Make it a point every day to
give at least one genuine appreciation for something your partner did. Focus on what your
partner is adding to your life. Make it a point every day to touch your partner (verbally
and physically) in a purely affectionate manner.
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12-35
Intervention: An Exercise in Thanksgiving
Instructions
Step one. For one week, have the couple try to be aware of their tendency to criticize,
to see what is missing, to focus on what is lacking and commenting on it. Instead,
have the couple focus on what is right. Have them notice what they do and what they
contribute. Have them search for things to praise. Have the couple begin with simple
things such as praising the world; appreciating their own breathing, the sunrise, the
beauty of a rainstorm, the wonder in a child’s eyes. They will then utter some silent
words of thanksgiving (to no one in particular) for these small wonders in their day.
This will begin to change their focus on the negative.
Step two: Have the couple then give at least one genuine, heartfelt praise to their
partner each day for an entire week. Ask them to notice the effects of this exercise on
their partner and themselves. If they are able, they can extend the exercise one more
day. Then they add another day. They then extend the exercise to others (e.g., their
children). When they meet someone new, they are urged to look for what is special
about this person. They are urged to appreciate their qualities. They are urged to
remember that this all has to be genuine and heartfelt, not phony. They are urged to
notice these positive qualities and to enjoy them. They are asked to try to tell people
what they notice and genuinely appreciate about them. They are asked to just find one
thing for each person and to ignore the shortcomings.
As they stretch the period of thanksgiving one day beyond a week, and then another
day, and then another, they notice that they receive a great gift: they will begin to for-
give themselves. Grace and forgiveness will enter their world. This is what the spiritual
“Amazing Grace” is all about. People begin to enjoy their own accomplishments, rather
than consider them inadequate.
One of the most powerful things a parent can do for a child is to admit his or her own
mistake, to say, “I was wrong here,” or “I’m sorry.” It is so powerful because it also gives
the child permission to make a mistake, to admit having messed up and still be okay. It
builds in the forgiveness of self. In the same way, saying, “I’m sorry” and meaning it to
your spouse is a very significant event. The more a parent can imbue the relationship with
the spirit of thanksgiving and the graceful presence of praise, the more meaningful and
fulfilling their lives together will become.
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12-37
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12-39
Intervention: Behavior Exchange
Purpose: Help partners deepen their understanding of what each would like from the
other in order to turn towards each other more specifically and build their emotional bank
account.
Instructions: Have a pen and note pad available for each partner to write down ways of
turning towards each other during the following week. Direct partners to face each other
to begin the exercise. As an alternative to the ending instruction, you can ask your couple
to not specify which item they will be acting upon during the week so that the receiver
can look for positive ways his or her partner is turning towards him or her and guess at
which item was chosen.
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XX Exercise: Behavior Exchange
Instructions
Partner A, take this note pad. Guess what your partner would like for you to do for her or
him in the following week and say it out loud.
Partner B, respond whether or not Partner A has guessed correctly.
If the guess is correct, Partner A write it down. See how many correct guesses you can
make and write down each one. Then trade places and Partner B make a list based on
your guess about what Partner A would like from you this week.
Once you have compiled your lists, each of you will commit to doing at least one thing
from your list for your partner in the coming week.
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Intervention: Working as a Team: Building the Paper Tower
Purpose: Couple works on turning towards versus turning away from one another, at-
tempting to work as a true team, both giving and accepting influence. This is supposed
to be a low-threat exercise. The metaphor is one of a relationship building something
together. The couple is introduced to the dimension of power in relationships, the idea of
giving and accepting influence and how this dimension interacts with the idea of turning
towards versus turning away.
Instructions: Have the couple open a box of assorted materials in your office. These in-
clude newspapers, construction paper, tape, glue, cellophane, magic markers, straws, and
so on (see suggested materials list below). Instruct them to build a paper tower. It must
be tall, strong, and beautiful. They can earn as many as 20 points for size, as many as 20
points for strength, and as many as 50 points for beauty. Building a beautiful tower is as
important as one that is tall and strong. You might suggest that they design on it the crest
or flag of the relationship.
Give the couple feedback halfway through the exercise on how they are working to-
gether as a team. Encourage them to improve their process and their tower. Introduce the
metaphor of the relationship as building something together. Revisit the emotional bank
account within the context of this exercise.
Suggested Materials: Paper straws, masking tape, colored construction paper, crayons,
magic markers, scissors, string, lots of newspaper, cellophane, sparkly glue, etc. The task
is to build a paper tower that is tall and strong and beautiful.
Observation Form: While your couple builds their Paper Tower, fill out the accom-
panying observation form to help provide feedback and to generate discussion.
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Building the Paper Tower: Observer Evaluation Form

As you watch the couple build the paper tower, rate what the experience is like for the
couple.
Do you think Partner A is effective at influencing Partner B?
NO A BIT YES
Comments:
Do you think Partner B is effective at influencing Partner A?
NO A BIT YES
Comments:
Do you think Partner B dominated?
NO A BIT YES
Comments:
Do you think Partner A dominated?
NO A BIT YES
Comments:
Did Partner A have positive feelings during this task?
NO A BIT YES
Comments:
Did Partner B have positive feelings during this task?
NO A BIT YES
Comments:
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Did Partner A feel included in this task?
NO A BIT YES
Comments:
Did Partner B feel included in this task?
NO A BIT YES
Comments:
Did Partner A contribute to their working well as a team?
NO A BIT YES
Comments:
Does Partner B contribute to them working well as a team?
NO A BIT YES
Comments:
Did they have fun?
NO A BIT YES
Comments:
Was there any negativity?
NO A BIT YES
Comments:
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Intervention: Negotiating Power: Who Does What in the

Relationship?
Instructions: This exercise is designed to help couples negotiate their ideas about gender
roles in the relationship. There is no right or wrong solution. The important thing is the
perception of fairness. The issue is respect and being a team. This is a revealed-differ-
ences exercise, in which people fill out the following questionnaire individually and then
again, through discussion, try to reach a consensus. Sometimes, for purposes of discus-
sion, therapists such Peggy Papp have couples read books such as Arlie Hochschild’s The
Second Shift, which is about gender inequality.
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XX Exercise: Negotiating Power: Who does what in the

relationship?
Instructions: For the following items, please describe, in your perception, how things
are currently handled and how you would like them to be handled. What is your philoso-
phy about who should do what? Who generally does what (YOU, YOUR PARTNER, or
FAIRLY SHARED AS YOU’D LIKE)? Are things shared as you would like them to be,
or could things be closer to your ideal?
1. Running errands to the cleaners Now: Ideal:

2. Washing windows Now: Ideal:
3. Planning the food menu Now: Ideal
4. Going grocery shopping Now: Ideal:
5. Cooking dinner Now: Ideal:
6. Setting the table Now: Ideal:
7. Cleanup after dinner Now: Ideal:
8. Cleaning the kitchen Now: Ideal:
9. Cleaning the bathrooms Now: Ideal:
10. Putting out clean towels Now: Ideal:
11. Keeping counters clean Now: Ideal:
12. General tidying up Now: Ideal:
13. Getting the car serviced Now: Ideal:
14. Putting gas in the car Now: Ideal:
15. Sorting incoming mail Now: Ideal:
16. Paying the bills Now: Ideal:
17. Balancing the checkbook Now: Ideal:
18. Writing letters Now: Ideal:
19. Taking phone messages Now: Ideal:
20. Returning phone calls or e-mail Now: Ideal:
21. Saving money Now: Ideal:
22. Taking out garbage and trash Now: Ideal:
23. Recycling Now: Ideal:
24. Doing the laundry Now: Ideal:
25. Folding the laundry Now: Ideal:
26. Ironing Now: Ideal:
27. Putting the clean clothes away Now: Ideal:
28. Sweeping kitchen and eating areas Now: Ideal:
29. Vacuuming Now: Ideal:
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30. Washing and waxing floors Now: Ideal:

31. Changing light bulbs Now: Ideal:
32. Repairing appliances Now: Ideal:
33. Making the beds Now: Ideal:
34. Defrosting and cleaning refrigerator Now: Ideal:
35. Shopping for clothing Now: Ideal:
36. Planning travel Now: Ideal:
37. Making home repair Now: Ideal:
38. Remodeling Now: Ideal:
39. Doing home maintenance Now: Ideal:
40. Buying furniture Now: Ideal:
41. Redecorating the home Now: Ideal:
42. Buying items for the home Now: Ideal:
43. Buying new appliances Now: Ideal:
44. Sewing and mending Now: Ideal:
45. Straightening kitchen cabinets Now: Ideal:
46. Doing yard and garden work Now: Ideal:
47. Maintaining lawn, tree, and shrubbery maintenance Now: Ideal:
48. Running errands to the bank Now: Ideal:
49. Caring for house plants Now: Ideal:
50. Straightening and rearranging closets Now: Ideal:
51. Getting house ready for guests Now: Ideal:
52. Preparing for a party Now: Ideal:
53. Buying children gifts Now: Ideal:
54. Taking children to school Now: Ideal:
55. Picking children up from school Now: Ideal:
56. Doing or arranging childcare after school Now: Ideal:
57. Preparing child meals and lunches Now: Ideal:
58. Spending time with kids Now: Ideal:
59. Taking family outings with kids Now: Ideal:
60. Taking children to the pediatrician Now: Ideal:
61. Taking children to the dentist, orthodontist Now: Ideal:
62. Supervising child homework Now: Ideal:
63. Supervising child baths Now: Ideal:
64. Meting out child discipline Now: Ideal:
65. Supervising bedtime with kids Now: Ideal:
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66. Dealing with a sick child Now: Ideal:

67. Handling child crises Now: Ideal:
68. Dealing with a child’s emotions Now: Ideal:
69. Attending teacher conferences Now: Ideal:
70. Dealing with the schools Now: Ideal:
71. Attending special kid events Now: Ideal:
72. Arranging kid birthday and other parties Now: Ideal:
73. Arranging kid lessons Now: Ideal:
74. Arranging kid play dates Now: Ideal:
75. Shopping for kids’ stuff Now: Ideal:
76. Getting people presents Now: Ideal:
77. Keeping in touch with kin Now: Ideal:
78. Preparing for holidays Now: Ideal:
79. Planning vacations Now: Ideal:
80. Planning getaways Now: Ideal:
81. Arranging romantic dates Now: Ideal:
82. Planning quiet evening at home Now: Ideal:
83. Planning weekends Now: Ideal:
84. Planning a special meal Now: Ideal:
85. Keeping up general conversation Now: Ideal:
86. Planning a romantic evening Now: Ideal:
87. Initiating lovemaking Now: Ideal:
88. Planning dinner out Now: Ideal:
89. Arranging family outings, drives, picnics Now: Ideal:
90. Handling financial planning Now: Ideal:
91. Making major purchases (cars, etc.) Now: Ideal:
92. Managing investments Now: Ideal:
93. Talking about the relationship Now: Ideal:
94. Arranging get-togethers with friends Now: Ideal:
95. Keeping in touch with friends Now: Ideal:
96. Doing the taxes Now: Ideal:
97. Handing legal matters (e.g., wills, insurance) Now: Ideal:
98. Overseeing family medicine Now: Ideal:
99. Overseeing drugs and other health areas Now: Ideal:
100. Overseeing exercise and fitness Now: Ideal:
101. Arranging recreational outings Now: Ideal:
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Intervention: The Aftermath of Failed Bids
Purpose: Help the couple assess the aftermath of failed bids in their everyday life.
Instructions for Part 1: Positive and Negative Feelings
Have one partner read down the list of positive and negative feelings and say out loud
which feelings he or she had when there was a failed bid, while their partner just listens.
Then have the couple trade roles.
Instructions for Part 2: Subjective Realities and Changing the Way You Express Your
Needs and Wants
Have the couple work through the questions listed in Part 2: Subjective Reality and How
Can You Change the Way You Express Your Needs and Wants.
Instructions for Part 3: What Were the Triggers
If there’s time, use these questions later in the therapy, having each partner answer the set
of questions while her or his partner listens.
Instructions for Part 4: Relating to Your Past
If there’s time, use these questions later in the therapy, having each partner answer the
questions while his or her partner listens.
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XX Exercise: The Aftermath of Failed Bids
Instructions: These exercises are a guide for processing and evaluating what happened
when one of you felt that the friendship in your relationship was not working well, when
perhaps one of you felt alienated and lonely, while the other may have felt a great need
for autonomy, independence, or being alone. These exercises are designed to increase
understanding between the two of you. The idea here is that there is no absolute reality
when two people miss each other in turning towards one another or turning away; there
are only two subjective realities. These exercises are designed to help you get at these and
to ease these situations in the future.
Start with your feelings. In Part 1, read down the list of positive and negative feelings and
say out loud which feelings you had when there was a failed bid, while your partner just
listens. Then trade roles. In Part 2, take turns answering the questions about subjective
realities and ways to express your needs and wants. If there’s time, go on to also discuss
the questions in Parts 3 and 4.
Part 1—Positive and Negative Feelings
Each of you takes a turn describing what you were feeling during the disagreement. You
may either choose from the list below or come up with your own description. Remember
to keep your comments simple and keep to the format “I felt. . . . :”, avoiding statements
such as, “I felt like you . . . .”
POSITIVE feelings: How did you feel this week?
1. uring this week I felt calm.

D 8. During this week I felt kind.
2. During this week I felt loved. 9. During this week I felt in control.
3. During this week I felt appreciated. 10. During this week I felt like we were making
4. During this week I felt respected. progress.
5. During this week I felt happy. 11. During this week I felt connected to my
partner.
6. During this week I felt powerful.
12. During this week I felt optimistic.
7. During this week I felt loving.
13. Other feelings (write in):
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Negative feelings: How did you feel this week?
1. I felt defensive. 17. I felt neglected.

2. My feelings got hurt. 18. I felt disgusted.
3. I felt excluded. 19. I was disapproving.
4. I felt angry. 20. I was morally outraged.
5. I felt sad. 21. I felt taken for granted.
6. I felt misunderstood. 22. I felt like leaving.
7. I felt criticized. 23. I was overwhelmed with emotion.
8. I felt like my partner didn’t even like me. 24. I felt excluded.
9. I was afraid. 25. I felt powerless.
10. I was worried. 26. I felt like I had no influence.
11. I felt like I was right and my partner was 27. I felt like my opinions didn’t even matter.
wrong. 28. I had no feelings at all.
12. I felt out of control. 29. I had no idea what I was feeling.
13. I felt righteously indignant. 30. I felt lonely.
14. I felt unfairly picked on. 31. I felt alienated.
15. I felt unappreciated. 32. Other feelings (write in):
16. I felt unattractive.
Part 2—Subjective Realities and Changing the Way You Express Your
Needs and Wants
Subjective Realities:
• Summarize your own subjective reality, how you saw this week, in terms of
closeness and autonomy. What was your subjective reality? Share your subjective
realities with each other and try to see how your partner’s subjective reality might
make sense, given your partner’s perspective. Think of bids and turning towards or
away.
• It is essential that each of you attempt to give some credence to your partner’s
subjective reality. Try to communicate your understanding of your partner’s
subjective reality about closeness and autonomy during this week.
How Can You Change the Way You Express Your Needs and Wants?
It is natural for each of us to make the fundamental error that it is all our partner’s fault.
Actually, because it is all a cycle, it is the fault of neither. What is necessary is to be able
to move BOTH of you out of the defensive or attacking pattern into a more productive
pattern. This starts by EACH OF YOU admitting some role (however slight at first) in
creating this distance and loneliness. In finding the right balance for both of you in terms
of connection (closeness) and individual autonomy (separateness), there is a need to first
understand YOUR part in all of this.
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• What are your needs? How did you express them? Is there a better way to express
these needs?
• How did you (or your partner) express the needs for closeness or for dealing with
loneliness?
• How did you (or your partner) express the need to be separate, autonomous, or
independent or the feelings of being swamped and overwhelmed by your partner’s
needs?
• What is the conversation that you need to have but did not?
Part 3—What Were the Triggers?
Instructions: Say aloud which, if any, of the following items fit for you, while your part-
ner listens. Then trade roles.
Events Related to Inclusion
I felt excluded. A great deal . . .

No one was interested in me.
I was being ignored.
I was not important to my partner.
I felt cold towards my partner.
My partner was not happy to see me.
Others:
Events Related to Affection
I felt no affection towards me.

My partner was cold towards me.
I definitely felt rejected.
I was criticized.
I felt no affection towards my partner.
I felt that my partner was not attracted to me.
Others:
Events Related to Influence
I had no power in this discussion.

I felt helpless to affect how the conversation went.
I felt there was a lack of respect towards me.
My sense of dignity was being compromised.
My partner was being domineering.
I could not persuade my partner at all.
Others:
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Part 4: Do These Feelings Relate to Your Past?
Some self-examination is necessary here to identify where the triggers come from in your
own past. When people are under prolonged periods of stress, old patterns of thought
and behavior can emerge, old sensitivities can become heightened, and the fighting in the
relationship is a symptom of older patterns. This section is designed to help you see what
potential past events may have set the conditions for turning away from one another. Take
turns answering the following questions:
Q: How have I been responding lately when stressed?

Q: What sensitivities, thoughts, and feelings have I had lately in my relationship that
may have influenced our friendship so it’s not working well this week?
Q: What issues am I particularly sensitive about, and what is the origin of these
sensitivities?
They come from the way I was treated in my family growing up. (Explain)
They come from a previous relationship. (Explain)
They come from past injuries I suffered. (Explain)
They come from really hard times I endured. (Explain)
They come from traumas I experienced. (Explain)
They come from basic fears and insecurities I have. (Explain)
They come from things and events I have not yet resolved or put aside. (Explain)
They come from unrealized hopes I have. (Explain)
They relate to ways I was treated in the past by other people. (Explain)
They relate to things I have always thought about myself. (Explain)
They relate to old nightmares or catastrophes I have worried about. (Explain)
Other (Please explain):
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Intervention: How Do You Change Your Relationship?
Instructions: Here are five important situations in which couples can easily make adjust-
ments to their weekly schedule and earn points in their Emotional Bank Account. Provide
the couple with the How Do You Change Your Relationship? exercise.
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XX Exercise: How Do You Change Your Relationship?
Instructions: Here are five important situations you can easily make adjustments to in
your weekly schedule and earn points in your emotional bank account.
1. Have Events-of-the-Day Discussions: Particularly those designed primarily to do

errands; to exchange information about important, exciting, and interesting events;
and to reduce stress. Every day—30 minutes.
2. Set Aside Time for Dates: Make the goal of your date to update your knowledge
of each other’s emotional worlds. In these dates, talk about worries and stresses as
well as hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Once a week, at least three hours long.
3. Turn Towards Each Other During Everyday Events: In many everyday events,
there is an opportunity to turn towards or to turn away emotionally. Thousands of
these moments happen every year and are opportunities for you to build your emo-
tional bank account.
4. Prevent Everyday Low-Level Irritability and Emotional Distance that Continue
for Some Time and Warrant a Talk: When there are low levels of irritability and
emotional distance in the relationship, the mathematical model suggests that hus-
bands will turn out to be happiest if they bring the issues up within a few days. It
is particularly helpful when they are the ones to bring up the low-level irritable
issues. The talk should be at least one-half-hour long.
5. Maintain Positive Thoughts When You Are Apart: When you are apart from each
other, particularly at work, maintain positive thoughts about one another and the
relationship. Focus on relationship-enhancing thoughts, rather than on distress-
maintaining thoughts.
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Intervention: The Emotional Communication Game
Purpose: This game is to be done in the spirit of fun and provides the couple with an
opportunity to learn how to better read each other’s communications.
Instructions: Provide each partner with a set of the communication game questions.
There is one set for Partner 1 and a second set for Partner 2. In this game, partners take
turns as sender and receiver. The sender chooses a particular question he or she wishes
to send and asks the receiver the question out loud. The sender circles choice a, b, or c,
the choice that best describes what she or he meant by the question. The receiver chooses
choice a, b, or c on her or his sheet as well, guessing what the sender meant by the
question. What did the sender send or try to send? What did the receiver pick up on or
miss? The couple then compares and discusses their answers. They then go on to the next
item, switching roles. The game can be played 60 times without repeating itself.
Goal: In therapy, sometimes couples comment, “It seems that we are always playing
this game,” and then they proceed to give an example from their own communications.
The goal is to sensitize them to the processes of emotional communication,
miscommunication, and repair (processing it).
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XX Exercise: The Emotional Communication Game
PARTNER 1
1. Are you going to do the dishes?

a. You are angry that you have done them every night last week, and you think it
is his (her) turn.
b. You are pleasantly surprised that she (he) seems to be about to do the dishes.
c. You are just asking for information because you are not sure whose turn it is.
2. Do you think it’s going to storm?

a. You hope it will storm and that the two of you can enjoy watching the storm
together.
b. You hope it won’t storm and ruin your plans for tomorrow’s outing.
c. You are asking for information, whether he (she) has seen a weather forecast.
3. Are you going to work on Thursday night?

a. You are expecting houseguests this weekend, and you would like help getting
the house ready. You do not want him (her) to work then.
b. You are just anxious because you were thinking you also could use the evening
to work.
c. You are reminding him (her) of his (her) commitment to get this work done.
4. Is it cold In here?
a. You are wondering if it is cold or if it is just you, perhaps coming down with an
illness.
b. You want the heat turned up and want your partner to do it.
c. You want to snuggle.
5. Oh, are we having tuna casserole?

a. You are disappointed because you have had this for dinner a lot lately.
b. You like tuna casserole and are pleasantly surprised.
c. You are neither positive nor negative about it, just asking for information.
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6. What kind of gift would you like for your birthday this year?
a. You have no idea what to get as a gift and are probing for some information.
b. Because of finances, you are hoping that your partner will agree to spend just a
small amount this year on birthdays.
c. You want to throw a really big party for your partner this year and are very
excited about planning it together.
7. My mother is coming for a visit

a. You are dreading the visit and want your partner’s support.
b. You are genuinely excited that she is coming.
c. You are neither excited nor worried, just informing your partner of the visit.
8. Are you busy right now?

a. You want to know if your partner is too busy to talk.
b. You want to talk over an issue between you, and your partner keeps avoiding
the issue by always being busy.
c. There is no problem, but you would like to be close and talk, and you want
some loving attention.
9. What do you think of this new dress (shirt)?

a. You think the dress (shirt) is not flattering and want your partner’s support to
return it.
b. You think you look great in this and want a compliment.
c. You are not sure about the dress (shirt) and want another opinion.
10. Did you take the garbage out?

a. It was your turn to take the garbage out and you forgot, and you are hoping
your partner remembered.
b. Your partner keeps forgetting to do this chore, and you are getting annoyed
c. You are just checking about whether this got done yet.
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11. Your partner wants to buy some new kitchenware and you say, “How much will
it cost?”
a. You are just curious what the price is.
b. You think this is a bad idea right now, and you are expressing your concern that
you cannot afford this right now.
c. You would also like to get these items and are hoping they are going to be
affordable.
12. Do you want to eat out tonight?

a. You really want to go out to your favorite romantic restaurant.
b. You are really tired and hoping to just stay at home and have a quick, simple
meal.
c. You are indifferent to staying home or going out, but notice your spouse is tired
and needs cheering up, and going out might be just the right thing to do.
13. Did you take the phone messages?

a. You are annoyed that your spouse ignores the phone messages, and you have to
take them.
b. You are wondering if it is your spouse’s turn to do this or yours.
c. You hate the phone message chore and are hoping your spouse will do it this
time.
14. Did you put gas in my car?

a. You are annoyed that whenever your spouse drives your car, the gas is never
replaced.
b. You are happy your spouse did you a favor and filled your tank for you.
c. You are worried your car is on empty and are asking your spouse politely to put
gas in your car.
15. Do you want to take a shower?

a. You want to take a shower first and are checking if this is okay.
b. You’d like the two of you to take a romantic shower together.
c. You are being considerate and think your tired spouse might feel better after a
shower.
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16. Shall we get into our pajamas now?

a. You’d like to make love.
b. You see that your spouse is tired and think she or he ought to go to bed.
c. It’s simply time to go to bed.
17. So what did the (our child’s) teacher say?

a. You are worried about the teacher’s judgment of your child.
b. You are curious what happened at the teacher conference.
c. You are hoping the teacher praised your child’s recent superior performance in
class.
18. Do you want me to clean up?

a. You think it is your partner’s turn to clean up, not yours.
b. You see your partner is tired and cleaning up, and you want to take over to give
your partner some needed rest.
c. You are just requesting information.
19. Can you help get things ready for this trip?
a. You are annoyed that your spouse is not helping.
b. You would like to know if your partner can do some of the errands to get ready.
c. You are asking if your partner is too busy to help, which you know is probably
the case.
20. Did you feel that last night went okay?

a. You are feeling a bit guilty about having become so angry last night, and you
are wondering if there are still hurt feelings from your discussion.
b. You really enjoyed love-making last night and expect that your partner had a
great time also and feels equally close to you. You want a bit of reassurance.
c. You are still angry and upset about last night and need to talk about it, but think
that your partner does not really want to discuss it.
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XX Exercise: The Emotional Communication Game
PARTNER 2
1. Are you going to do the dishes?

a. You are angry that you have done them every night last week, and you think it
is his or her turn.
b. You are pleasantly surprised that she or he seems to be about to do the dishes.
c. You are just asking for information because you are not sure whose turn it is.
2. Do you think it’s going to storm?

a. You hope it will storm and that the two of you can enjoy watching the storm
together.
b. You hope it won’t storm and ruin your plans for tomorrow’s outing.
c. You are asking for information, whether he or she has seen a weather forecast.
3. Are you going to work on Thursday night?

a. You are expecting houseguests this weekend, and you would like help getting
the house ready. You do not want him or her to work then.
b. You are just anxious because you were thinking you also could use the evening
to work
c. You are reminding him or her of his or her commitment to get this work done.
4. Is it cold in here?
a. You are wondering if it is cold or if it is just you, perhaps coming down with an
illness.
b. You want the heat turned up and want your partner to do it.
c. You want to snuggle.
5. Oh, are we having tuna casserole?

a. You are disappointed because you have had this for dinner a lot lately.
b. You like tuna casserole and are pleasantly surprised.
c. You are neither positive nor negative about it, just asking for information.
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6. What kind of a gift would you like for your birthday this year?
a. You have no idea what to get as a gift and are probing for some information.
b. Because of finances, you are hoping that your partner will agree to spend just a
small amount this year on birthdays.
c. You want to throw a really big party for your partner this year and are very
excited about planning it together.
7. My mother is coming for a visit

a. You are dreading the visit and want your partner’s support.
b. You are genuinely excited that she is coming.
c. You are neither excited nor worried, just informing your partner of the visit.
8. Are you busy right now?

a. You want to know if your partner is too busy to talk.
b. You want to talk over an issue between you, and your partner keeps avoiding
the issue by always being busy.
c. There is no problem but you would like to be close and talk, and you want
some loving attention.
9. What do you think of this new dress (shirt)?

a. You think the dress (shirt) is not flattering and want your partner’s support to
return it.
b. You think you look great in this and want a compliment.
c. You are not sure about the dress (shirt) and want another opinion.
10. Did you take the garbage out?

a. It was your turn to take the garbage out and you forgot, and you are hoping
your partner remembered.
b. Your partner keeps forgetting to do this chore, and you are getting annoyed
c. You are just checking about whether this got done yet.
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11. Your partner wants to buy some new kitchenware, and you say, “How much
will it cost?”
a. You are just curious what the price is.
b. You think this is a bad idea right now, and you are expressing your concern that
you cannot afford this right now.
c. You would also like to get these items and are hoping they are going to be
affordable.
12. Do you want to eat out tonight?

a. You really want to go out to your favorite romantic restaurant.
b. You are really tired and hoping to just stay at home and have a quick, simple
meal.
c. You are indifferent to staying home or going out, but notice your spouse is tired
and needs cheering up, and going out might be just the right thing to do.
13. Did you take the phone messages?

a. You are annoyed that your spouse ignores the phone messages and you have to
take them.
b. You are wondering if it is your spouse’s turn to do this or yours.
c. You hate the phone message chore and are hoping your spouse will do it this
time.
14. Did you put gas in my car?

a. You are annoyed that whenever your spouse drives you car, the gas is never
replaced.
b. You are happy your spouse did you a favor and filled your tank for you.
c. You are worried your car is on empty and are asking your spouse politely to put
gas in your car.
15. Do you want to take a shower?

a. You want to take a shower first and are checking if this is okay.
b. You’d like the two of you to take a romantic shower together.
c. You are being considerate and think your tired spouse might feel better after a
shower.
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16. Shall we get into our pajamas now?

a. You’d like to make love.
b. You see that your spouse is tired and think she or he ought to go to bed.
c. It’s simply time to go to bed.
17. So what did the (our child’s) teacher say?

a. You are worried about the teacher’s judgment of your child.
b. You are curious what happened at the teacher conference.
c. You are hoping the teacher praised your child’s recent superior performance in
class.
18. Do you want me to clean up?

a. You think it is your partner’s turn to clean up, not yours.
b. You see your partner is tired and cleaning up, and you want to take over to give
your partner some needed rest.
c. You are just requesting information.
19. Can you help get things ready for this trip?
a. You are annoyed that your spouse is not helping.
b. You would like to know if your partner can do some of the errands to get ready.
c. You are asking if your partner is too busy to help, which you know is probably
the case.
20. Did you feel that last night went okay?

a. You are feeling a bit guilty about having become so angry last night, and you
are wondering if there are still hurt feelings from your discussion.
b. You really enjoyed love-making last night and expect that your partner had a
great time also and feels equally close to you. You want a bit of reassurance.
c. You are still angry and upset about last night and need to talk about it, but think
that your partner does not really want to discuss it.
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Intervention: Sex, Romance, and Passion (Salsa Card Deck)
We want to strengthen your sex and lovemaking life. A wonderful way to ‘turn towards’
one another is sexually. Ironically, it’s the one area many of us struggle with talking about
openly. We need to learn ways of not only talking about sex, but also ways of courting
one another and knowing each other’s love needs. Here are some important points to
remember:
1. Continue Your Courtship: Pay each other compliments, tell your partner how they
are special, give surprise gifts, find out what soothes him/her. Make your partner feel
special.
2. Develop Rituals or Comfortable, Routine Ways to Talk About Sex: For instance, con-
sider how to signal whether or not you’re in the mood for sex, or how to communicate
what you’d prefer as foreplay or sexual positions, etc. What do you like that you’ve
done together before?
3. Make Sex a Priority: For example, schedule date nights or get-away weekends. What
are your preferred times and frequency for having sex? The GottSex book and videos
are one way you can continue to build this vital area of Turning Toward in your rela-
tionship after the workshop.
The Salsa Card Deck is an exercise to help you begin these discussions.
Instructions: The Salsa Card Deck is divided into three sections: Mild (1 pepper),
Medium (2 peppers) and Hot (3 peppers). Each section gives suggestions for spicing up
your romantic love life. The ‘Mild’ deck is for couples who would prefer romantic, but
non-sexual suggestions. The ‘Medium’ card deck is for couples who are comfortable with
sexual intimacy. The ‘Hot’ deck is for couples who want to explore more wild sexual
fantasies. Pick a deck to work with that both you and your partner are comfortable with.
If you have a difference of opinion, pick the more mild choice.
Split the card deck you have chosen in half. Read through your half of the deck and
select a suggestion you’d like to share with your partner. Read it aloud. If you both like
the suggestion, plan how you can integrate it into your relationship. If one of you doesn’t
like the suggestion, pick another card that you both agree is desirable, and make a plan
for including it. Each of you should have at least one suggestion that you both like. More
than one each is okay, too.
Remember, there can be no judgment, blame or harshness during this exercise. Romance,
passion and good sex thrive only when there’s an atmosphere of safety and warmth.
If you do not own The Gottman Salsa Card Deck, you can have your couples use the
questions on the following pages. These are the same questions used in the Card Deck. If
you would like to purchase The Gottman Salsa Card Deck, you can order it online at
www.gottman.com.
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XX Exercise: Salsa Cards
Spice level - Mild
• Unplug the phone for an evening and just talk to

one another. Try to be a good listener. Remember,
understanding must precede advice.
• Send your partner a love letter or poem.
• Buy your partner your favorite perfume or cologne.
• Buy your partner a CD of favorite romantic music and listen to it together.
• Rent a comedy film and watch it together.
• Be aware of when your partner needs emotional support. And then be an
empathic listener.
• Sit at the back of a movie theater and make out as if you were teenagers
again.
• When parting at the beginning of the day, learn one thing interesting that
your partner will do today and part with a kiss that lasts at least six seconds.
• Catch your partner doing something right and convey your appreciation or
admiration.
• Make it possible for your partner to take an afternoon or a day off to do
whatever he or she wants or needs to do.
• Talk about how and where you most like to be touched just for receiving
affection.
• Buy a surprise present for your partner.
• Sit facing one another and stroke each other’s faces.
• Brush and stroke each other’s hair.
• Compliment your partner, genuinely.
• Go on a romantic date, just the two of you.
• Have a pillow fight.
• Give each other a foot massage.
• Describe what you love about your partner’s face.
• Share an evening of dancing together in your home or at a club.
• Give your partner a shoulder rub.
• Go for a walk together and hold hands.
• Build a fire and have a picnic dinner on the floor in front of it.
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• Light candles next to the bed, then cuddle together on the bed and talk, just
holding each other.
• Sit in a Jacuzzi or hot tub together, with bathing suits on if that’s more com-
fortable for you.
• Feed dessert foods to each other.
• Wear an outfit you know your partner thinks looks good on you.
• Have your partner bring you coffee and the newspaper in bed in the morn-
ing on a weekend day. Spend the morning together in bed chatting about
whatever comes up.
• Bring flowers.
• Draw a bubble bath and bathe your partner.
• Thoroughly explore the art of kissing.
• Get away to a B & B or hotel for the weekend.
• Go to your partner’s workplace and ‘steal him/her’ or arrange ahead for a
romantic lunch.
• Plan a date with your partner where you do something new for both of you
(ie, kayaking, hiking, drive to a town you’ve never seen and share a meal
there, etc).
• Find a time to put your arms around your partner and tell him or her how
sexually irresistible (handsome, beautiful) he or she is to you right now.
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Spice level - Medium
• Think of a sexy nickname for your partner.

• Try a new sexual position and talk about how you
liked it.
• Pretend you live in another century. Dress up in
costume, go out to dinner, then make love.
• Take turns kissing or stroking each other’s backs.
• Describe your partner’s favorite body part.
• Talk to your partner during sex.
• Decide to have sex in a totally new place.
• Take turns initiating sex.
• Call in late to work one morning after the kids are off to school and have an
erotic hour alone together.
• Next time you take a shower together, soap each other’s bodies.
• Get a sexy garment (lingerie or sexy underwear) and model it for your
partner.
• Buy some body oil and plan to give your partner a nice, long massage.
• Plan an evening to have sex with one another. Think about what you will
wear, music, soft lights, and make sure there is enough time. Unplug the
phone.
• Have a quickie.
• Have sex even when you’re not in the mood in exchange for a slow evening
of romance of your choosing.
• Talk about what you liked best the last time you made love.
• During foreplay, take your hand and show your partner what feels good,
and, when your partner does that, make sounds of pleasure.
• Take your time touching one another, with the rule that there will be no
intercourse tonight, only pleasuring one another.
• Don’t talk about what you don’t want in sex, just talk about what you do
want.
• Make love early in the morning, while the children are still asleep.
• Write a fantasy script or story starring you and your partner and give it as a
gift for your partner to read alone or aloud.
• Take a warm bath together.
• Make love in the shower together.
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• Undress each other slowly, then make love.

• Gently caress each other with different objects, like a feather, velvet cloth,
smooth stone, fir bough, etc.
• Make love to the sexiest music you can think of. Take turns picking the
music.
• Make love in a hot tub.
• Give your partner a full body massage, then make love.
• Go to a beautiful and private outdoor place and make love there.
• See how long you can make love before climaxing.
• Talk to each other about your favorite places to be kissed on your body.
• Kiss passionately with one partner positioned up against the wall.
• Read erotica to your partner in bed.
• Have your partner perform oral sex.
• Meet up for a date using ‘fantasy/play’ names for the evening to pick up on
each other or have a first date. Make up career/family details.
• Reinvent your honeymoon in the house – for instance, for a Hawaiian hon-
eymoon, bring in leis, Hawaiian music, etc. as a set for making love.
• Develop a code word or words for wanting sex. One couple referred to sex
as ‘dessert’ – so kids and other family members and friends thought they
had a real sweet tooth when they gave each other a kiss and said, ‘We can’t
wait for dessert!” The family also thought the husband loved pie and the
wife loved chocolate.
• While your partner gets ready for bed, quickly undress, slide into bed and
surprise him with your naked body.
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Spice level - Hot
• Make bets. The winners get exactly what they

want from their partner.
• Act out a fantasy of your choice. Dress the parts.
Here are some examples:
• Two strangers on an airplane
• Boss and employee
• Professor and student
• Massage parlor worker and customer
• Two strangers on an airplane
• Boss and employee
• Professor and student
• Massage parlor worker and customer
• Play a game of strip poker.
• Take turns being the dominant or the love slave.
• Have oral sex on the kitchen countertop.
• Think of some hot sexual fantasy and then phone your partner at work and
describe it to them.
• Masturbate to orgasm thinking of your partner and then tell your partner
about your fantasy.
• Spend the whole day together doing everything nude.
• Schedule a session of phone sex with your partner the next time one of you
is out of town.
• Read an erotic book out loud together.
• Spread whipped cream or chocolate sauce on your favorite body parts of
your partner before kissing and licking him or her.
• Help your partner masturbate to orgasm while you watch.
• Gently kiss and suck each other’s genitals at the same time.
• Play naked Twister, then have sex.
• Pretend you’re two different animals, like panthers, and make love.
• Visit an erotica shop together and make a mutual purchase.
• Rub a cherry over your vagina and feed it to your partner.
• Do a striptease for your partner.
• Do a pole dance for your partner.
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• Go out on a date and have sex in the backseat of your car (like the good old
days!).
• Play Around-the-World in your house: make every room open to a poten-
tial sexual experience. Use things in that room to make it more enjoyable.
Consider using whipped cream in the kitchen, pillows in the bedroom, heat
from the fireplace, etc.
• Role-play a fairy tale, only make it have a sexual ending.
• See how many sexual positions you can shift into before having an orgasm.
• Chase each other around the house, naked.
• Spread paint on a large canvas and roll around naked, making love. Then,
frame your artistic creation.
• Put a plastic sheet on the bed with body oil, and enjoy making slippery
love.
• Make love and try to get your partner to have multiple orgasms.
• While both of you are naked, one of you stand behind the other and make
love in front of a mirror.
• Have naked bill-paying night.
• Make your partner pose nude and take pictures of him/her in erotic
positions.
• Take a naked vacation together, for instance: 1) sailing nude in the British
Virgin Islands, 2) going on a hike nude (once you’re on the trail), other?
• (Woman to man) Skip the underwear under your dress and tease your part-
ner by showing that your vagina is accessible and being offered.
• Have fun with various flavors/scents of lubricant – there are some fun ones
out there!
• At home, put on your favorite music and dance naked with /for your
partner.
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Intervention: Three Skills of Intimate Conversation
This exercise will help you to make your conversations deeper and more personal.
Instructions: Try opening up an intimate conversation with an open-ended question; that

is, a question that has a longer answer than just “yes” or “no.” Examples: “How would
you like to ideally change our life together in the coming year so it could be the best year
ever?” or “What do you feel is going well for you these days?” or, “What do you feel is
not going as well as you’d like?” You can also begin a conversation by simply asking,
“How are you doing, baby?” or “How is life treating you? Talk to me. I’m listening.”
After you have started, take a look the skills on the following pages. They are designed to
help you explore and talk about your feelings as the conversation proceeds. If your part-
ner asks you something about how you feel but you’re not sure how to put feelings into
words, look over the first list below, and say aloud which feelings are true for you. It’s ok
to name more than one, since people often experience blends of feelings.
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XX Exercise: Three Skills of Intimate Conversation

Skill #1 – Putting Your Feelings Into Words
I feel
1. I feel accepted 27. I feel critical of you 54. I’m depressed

2. I know I am liked 28. I feel uncomfortable 55. I am surprised
3. I feel understood 29. I feel affectionate 56. I feel like arguing
4. I feel rejected 30. I feel tense 57. I appreciate you
5. I feel like you dislike 31. I feel betrayed 58. I feel like bragging
me
32. I feel like you don’t 59. I am anguished
6. I feel misunderstood even like me
60. I feel like a failure
7. I feel appreciated 33. I feel irritable
61. I am ashamed
8. I feel unappreciated 34. I feel alienated
62. I want to assert my
9. I feel abandoned 35. I am angry rights
10. I feel connected 36. I am agitated 63. I feel like an innocent
11. I don’t feel accepted 37. I am restless victim
12. I feel close to you 38. I feel alone 64. I feel righteously
indignant
13. I feel distant from you 39. I feel lonely
65. I am apprehensive
14. I am afraid 40. I am upset
66. I have a lot of mixed
15. I feel like hitting 41. I am alarmed feelings
something
42. I feel resentful 67. I feel shy
16. I feel like kicking
43. I am astounded 68. I am horny
something
44. I’m upset 69. I feel romantic
17. I am amused
45. I feel awe 70. I feel unattractive
18. I want to be belligerent
46. I feel clumsy, awkward 71. I am not sure how I feel
19. I feel bashful
47. I feel belittled 72. I am ambivalent
20. I feel battered
48. I feel insulted 73. I feel like apologizing
21. I am baffled 74. I feel regretful
49. I am hungry
22. I feel beautiful 75. I feel disgusted
50. I am tired
23. I feel handsome 76. I am afraid
51. I am exhausted
24. I feel neglected 77. I am happy
52. I have no energy
25. I am bitter 78. I feel joyful
53. I feel like boasting
26. I feel comfortable
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Skill #2 – Ask Questions During An Intimate Conversation

After a conversation has begun, if you want to explore your partner’s feelings and
thoughts, one of the best tools you can use is asking questions that open the heart. Here
are some examples you can try. Anytime during the conversation, look over the list
below and read aloud a question that you’d like to ask your partner.
Questions
1. What are you feeling? 22. Is there anything you’ve learned from this?
2. What else are you feeling? 23. Who is going to be most affected? How will
3. What are your primary needs here? they be affected? Why?
4. What do you really wish for? 24. Does this remind you of anything else in your
personal history?
5. How did this all evolve?
25. What meaning does this have for you to bring
6. Who are the main characters in these feelings
this up now?
you’re talking about?
26. How does this affect your identity, your idea of
7. What would you really like to say, and to
yourself?
whom?
27. How does this situation touch you?
8. What are the feelings you are afraid to even
think about? 28. How does this situation change you?
9. Do you have any mixed feelings? What are 29. How have you changed or how are you
they? changing now, and how has that affected this
situation?
10. What are your choices as you see them?
30. How did this all begin, what was the very start?
11. What are the positive and negative aspects of
each of your choices? 31. What’s your major reaction or complaint here?
12. Do you think this has affected our relationship 32. Who do you think is most at fault?
(or another relationship). If so, how? 33. How do you think things would be resolved in
13. Is there some way you wish you could have the next five years?
done things differently? How so? 34. How do you WISH things would be resolved in
14. What are your obligations (or duties) here? the next five years?
15. Do you have a choice to make? 35. Pretend that you only had only six more months
to live. What would be most important to you
16. What would you really like to ask of me?
then?
17. What do your values tell you about all this?
36. What are your goals here?
18. Think of someone you really admire. What
37. How are you thinking about how all of this fits
would he or she do and how would he or she
into your life as a whole?
view this situation?
38. What, if anything, makes you angry here?
19. Does these feelings and needs have any
spiritual, moral, ethical, or religious meaning 39. What are the “shoulds”? (Like what should you
for you? take responsibility for here?)
20. Is there anyone or anything you disapprove of 40. What is your biggest “turn off” in this situation?
here? 41. Are there parts of yourself that are in conflict?
21. Is there anything or anyone you admire here?
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Skill #2 – (Continued)
While questions are always interesting, sometimes statements that explore feelings are
also very powerful at making the conversation deeper and more intimate. Here are some
exploratory statements you can try. Again, anytime during the conversation, look over the
list and read aloud a sentence you’d like to use to go a little deeper into the conversation.
Exploratory Statements
1. Tell me the story of that.
2. I want to know everything you’re feeling.
3. Talk to me, I am listening.
4. Nothing is more important to me right now than listening to you.
5. We have lots of time to talk.
6. Tell me your major priorities here.
7. Tell me what you need right now.
8. Tell me what you think your choices are.
9. It’s okay not to know what to do, but what’s your guess?
10. I think you’re being very clear. Go on.
11. Tell me all of your feelings here.
12. Help me understand your feelings a little better. Say more.
13. I think that you have already thought of some solutions. Tell me what they are.
14. Help me understand this situation from your point of view. What are the most
important points for you?
15. Tell me what you’re most concerned about.
16. Tell me more about how you are seeing this situation.
17. Talk about what the decision is that you think you have to make.
18. If you could change the attitude of one of the key people in this situation, talk about
what you would do.
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Skill #3 – Express Empathy And Understanding During An Intimate

Conversation
To deepen the intimacy of a conversation, it really helps to give understanding and
empathy to your partner. First, try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes, and understand
what they are saying or feeling. Then communicate to your partner that their thoughts or
feelings really make sense to you. Below are some great statements you can make that
convey understanding and empathy. Look them over and say aloud any that ring true for
you, as a follow-up to what your partner has just said.
Empathic Statements
1. You’re making total sense. 22. I see. Let me summarize: What you’re thinking
2. I understand how you feel. here is…
3. You must feel so hopeless. 23. You are in a lot of pain. I can feel it.
4. I just feel such despair in you when you talk 24. It would be great to be free of this.
about this. 25. That must have annoyed you.
5. You’re in a tough spot here. 26. That would make me mad too.
6. I can feel the pain you feel. 27. That sounds infuriating.
7. The world needs to stop when you’re in this 28. That sounds very frustrating.
much pain. 29. That is very scary.
8. I wish you didn’t have to go through that. 30. Well I agree with most of what you’re saying.
9. I’m on your side. 31. I would have been disappointed by that too.
10. I wish I could have been with you in that 32. That would have hurt my feelings also.
moment.
33. That would make me sad too.
11. Oh, wow, that sounds terrible.
34. POOR BABY!
12. You must feel so helpless.
35. Wow! That must have hurt.
13. That hurts me to hear that.
36. I understand what you are feeling.
14. I support your position.
37. I totally understand what you are feeling.
15. I totally agree with you.
38. Okay, I think I get it. So what you are feeling
16. You are feeling so trapped! is…
17. You are making total sense. 39. I would have trouble coping with that.
18. That sounds like you felt really disgusted! 40. What I admire most about what you’re doing
19. No wonder you’re upset. is…
20. I’d feel the same way you do in your situation. 41. That would make me feel insecure.
21. I think you’re right. 42. That sounds a little frightening.
43. Tell me what you see as your choices here.
*Remember, the use of these skills is not just limited to intimate conversations with your
partner. Like John’s story in the video about the engineer who learned these three skills,
we encourage you to use this tool to improve all your conversations with other people.
Chances are people will find you friendly, empathetic and very easy to talk to!
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Intervention: Choosing One Gridlocked Issue and One Solvable

Issue
Purpose: The couple will be able to identify one gridlocked perpetual issue and one solv-
able problem.
Remember: All couples have perpetual problems. The BIG, HEAVY ISSUES in
their relationship that keep causing them a lot of pain and hurt are very likely to
be GRIDLOCKED PERPETUAL ISSUES. When couples are gridlocked on an
issue, they basically feel betrayed, disrespected, hurt, frustrated, and as if they
never get anywhere with this problem. The danger of gridlock perpetual issues is
that they can propel a couple down the cascade of loneliness and distance, where
they end up leading parallel lives and are emotionally estranged.
A large event—such as violence or an extra-relationship affair—is going to be a
gridlocked perpetual issue. If there is a personal problem such as chronic illness
or depression. This, too, is likely to create perpetual issues.
RULE: If one person thinks it is a perpetual problem, then it is.
Instructions: Provide each partner with her or his own individual exercise. Provide the
couple with the framework to work through this exercise, Choosing One Gridlocked
Perpetual and One Solvable Issue.
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XX Exercise: Choosing One Gridlocked Issue and One

Solvable Issue
Remember: All couples have perpetual problems. The BIG, HEAVY ISSUES in
your relationship that keep causing you a lot of pain and hurt are very likely to be
GRIDLOCKED PERPETUAL ISSUES. When we are gridlocked on an issue, we
basically feel betrayed, disrespected, hurt, frustrated, and as if we never get anywhere
with this problem. The danger of gridlock perpetual issues is they can propel a couple
down the cascade of loneliness and distance, where they end up leading parallel lives and
are emotionally estranged.
A large event—such as violence or an extra-relationship affair—is going to be a

gridlocked perpetual issue. If there is a personal problem such as chronic illness or
depression, this, too, is likely to create perpetual issues.
RULE: If one person thinks it is a perpetual problem, then it is.
u Part 1:
Choosing One Gridlocked Perpetual Problem and One Solvable Problem
Perpetual problems are either (1) fundamental differences in your personalities that
repeatedly create conflict or (2) fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs, needs
that are basic to your own identity, to who you are as a person. Perpetual problems are
issues you have had for a long time that keep arising. The issue is GRIDLOCKED if it
keeps causing you lots of hurt, pain, and a feeling of rejection.
Instructions: Following is a list of some possible examples of perpetual problems. Look

over each item. Individually, select one AND ONLY ONE perpetual problem that has
become gridlocked in your relationship that you wish to discuss with your partner,
and put a check P next to the item number. After that, proceed to the list of solvable
problems.
Gottman Perpetual Problems List
Differences in neatness and organization. One person is neat and organized, and
the other is sloppy and disorganized.
Differences in wanting time together versus time apart and alone. One person
wants more time alone than the other, who wants more time together.
Differences in optimal sexual frequency. One person wants more sex than the other.
Differences in preferred lovemaking style. There are differences in what each
person wants from lovemaking. For example, one sees intimacy as a precondition
to making love, while the other sees lovemaking as a path to intimacy.
Differences in handling finances. One person is much more financially conservative
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and perhaps a worrier, while the other wants to spend money more freely and has a
philosophy of living more for the moment.
Differences with respect to kin. One person wants more independence from kin,
while the other wants more closeness.
Differences in how to approach household chores. For example, one person wants
equal division of labor, while the other does not.
Differences in how to raise and discipline children. One person is more involved with
the children than the other.
Differences in how to raise and discipline children. One person is stricter with the
children than another.
Differences in how to raise and discipline children. One person wants more gentleness
and understanding with the children than the other.
Differences in punctuality. One person is habitually late, and to the other it is important
to be on time.
Differences in preferred activity level. One person prefers active physical recreation,
while the other is more passive and sedentary.
Differences in being people-oriented. One person is more extroverted and gregarious
than the other.
Differences in preferred influence. One person prefers to be more dominant in decision-
making than the other.
Differences in ambition and the importance of work. One person is far more ambitious
and oriented to work and success than the other.
Differences with respect to religion. One person values religious values more than the
other.
Differences with respect to drugs and alcohol. One person is far more tolerant of drugs
and alcohol than the other.
Differences in independence. One person feels a greater need to be independent than
the other.
Differences in excitement. One person feels a greater need to have life be exciting or
adventurous than the other.
Differences in values. There are major differences in what we value in life.
Differences in relationship fidelity. There are major differences in what it means to be
sexually loyal to one another.
Others: You supply them here:
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u Part 2:
Gottman Solvable Problems List
Instructions: This form contains a list of categories in which many couples have disagree-
ments. Look over this list that follows and identify a solvable problem. It will probably
be a small issue within a category. It may also refer to a particular situation. It must have
a concrete, tangible, easily defined solution. Jot down a few notes, describing it next to
the category list.
Example: Money and Finances

Description: My partner wants to save money for a long vacation this summer,
and I want to spend some of our savings on weekend dates and take a shorter
vacation this summer.
Possible categories for a solvable problem:
Money and finances

Diet and food issues
In-laws and kin
Sex
Religion
Household chores
Recreation and having fun
Friends
Children (having children, raising children)
Issues of power and respect
Balancing career and family
Handling stresses
Other: (please specify)
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u Part 3:
Selecting Your Gridlocked Perpetual Problem and Your Solvable Problem
Instructions: Now return to the perpetual problems list. Discuss the item you each chose,
and pick only one item you will discuss later. It doesn’t matter whose item you choose, as
it will only be used as a means of learning a new conflict-management skill. Write your
selected gridlocked perpetual problem below.
Then read aloud the solvable problems you each identified, and choose which one you’ll
work on. Write your selected solvable problem below.
Gridlocked Perpetual Problem:
Solvable Problem:
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Intervention: Ending Gridlock: Fears of Accepting Influence
In this exercise, the couple discusses a core problem area in their relationship, but they
do not, under any circumstances, try to solve it. This second part of resolving a grid-
locked issue is to get the couple to find some give in each of their positions.
Instructions: In discussing a gridlocked issue, it’s also important for couples to discuss
their fears of accepting influence from their partner. At this point, have them discuss their
FEARS of accepting influence on this issue. We have found that women are all too will-
ing to give up their own aspirations for the sake of the relationship, with negative conse-
quences for themselves and for the relationship later on. So women need some support in
staying with their dreams, while avoiding harsh startup. Explain to them the speaker’s job
and the listener’s job:
The Speaker’s job: Talk to your partner about your own dream, and be
GENUINE about what you are afraid of in helping to make your partner’s dream
come true. Don’t give up your dream for the sake of peace between the two of
you. Argue for what you really want. But don’t be mean spirited. Accept those
parts of your partner’s ideas that you can live with. You will win by also letting
your partner be influential.
The Listener’s job: Ask about your partner’s fears. There is some scenario of
potential catastrophe in your partner’s head. Learn what this is, and then try to
soothe these fears. Help make the plan a reality, one that you can feel good about
starting. It is your job to give a great deal in this conversation. You will get your
turn when you trade roles and discuss your own dreams and fears.
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Intervention: Accept Influence: Find Common Ground
Purpose: The idea of Accepting Influence is to help partners find those parts of their
partner’s position that they can understand and agree with. For conflicts that are not
gridlocked conflicts, this acceptance of influence involves people learning that sharing or
relinquishing influence is an asset to the relationship.
Instructions: Help the couple find a common ground for agreement.
The guys who can accept influence are way ahead of the game.
Example:
Accepting influence—what not to do
In a bad relationship exchange, Partner A rejects any attempt Partner B makes to
request something of him or her, no matter how reasonable this request is.
Partner 2: Do you have to work late on Thursday night? My mother is coming
this weekend, and I really could use your help getting things ready.
Partner 1: What do you want me to do? Always kowtow to you? My plans are set
and that’s that!
Accepting Influence—What to do
Partner 2: Do you have to work late on Thursday night? My mother is coming
this weekend, and I really could use your help getting things ready.
Partner 1: Well, OK. But I do need to get this report done. Would it work out for
me to work Sunday afternoon after your Mom leaves?
Yield To Win:
Gottman’s research revealed that one does not win an argument by countering everything
her or his partner says. If you are a brick wall, things will only escalate. In fact, what you
have to do to win is to get your partner to start saying yes, and the only way to do that is
to yield to those parts of your partner’s point of view and argument that seem reasonable
to you. What happens then—when you start yielding—is that the issue starts to become
something that both of you are working on together.
help you improve your skills in the Gottman Method.
a. Stop the couple’s interaction when one or both partners are not accepting influence.
b. riefly explain the need for accepting influence, which may include references to
B
research. This includes finding a way to understand and honor some aspect of their
partner’s position, with a focus on yielding and accepting influence rather than on
persuading.
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c. Re-direct the couple to resume their discussion.
d. Stay with couple to continue the process as needed.
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Intervention: Consensus Decision-Making Task: Mountain Survival

Problem
Instructions: Ask the couple to use the forms that follow to try to problem-solve on a
problem unrelated to their relationship. The goal of this exercise is to try to improve skills
in working together as a team, compromising, accepting and giving influence. First, have
the couple fill out the individual form, then have them do it again together, using the con-
sensus form.
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XX Exercise: Mountain Survival Problem Individual Form
Instructions: Use the following form to try to problem-solve a problem unrelated to

your relationship. The goal on this task is to try to improve skills in working together as
a team, compromising, accepting and giving influence. First fill out the individual form,
then do it again together through a consensus discussion, and fill out the consensus form.
Situation: Your plane has crash-landed on a high, snowy mountaintop in the

Swiss Alps. The two of you are the only survivors, and one of you is somewhat
injured. You have no real idea of exactly where you are. You think that there is
some chance that people may know of the plane’s distress, but you are not sure.
A storm appears to be on the way. You decide that you all need to descend the
mountain. Rank order the following items for their survival value according to
your plan, with a 1 for the most important item, a 2 for the next most important
item, and so on. First, rank order these individually, on your own. Think of your
reasoning for your rankings.
• Oxygen tanks • Cook stove

• Radio (one-way) • Long rope
• Water • Walkie-talkie
• Skis • Freeze-dried food
• Matches • Dental floss
• Shovel • Boots
• Backpack • Flares
• Toilet paper • Compass
• Tent • Regional aerial maps
• Sleeping bag • A gun with six bullets
• Knife • Camera and film
• Snowshoes • First aid kit
• Lantern
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XX Exercise : Mountain Survival Problem Consensus Form
Instructions: Use the form below to try to problem-solve a problem unrelated to your
relationship. The goal on this task is to try to improve skills in working together as a
team, compromising, accepting and giving influence. First fill out the individual form,
then do it again together through with the consensus form through discussion.
Situation: Your plane has crash-landed on a high, snowy mountain top in the
Swiss Alps. The two of you are the only survivors, and one of you is somewhat
injured. You have no real idea of exactly where you are. You think that there is
some chance that people may know of the plane’s distress, but you are not sure.
A storm appears to be on the way. You decide that you all need to descend the
mountain. Rank order the following items for their survival value according to
your plan, with a 1 for the most important item, a 2 for the next most important
item, and so on. First, rank order these individually, on your own. Think of your
reasoning for your rankings.

• Sleeping bag • A gun with six bullets
• Lantern
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Intervention: Working Together as a Team: The Island Survival Task
Instructions: This is a decision-making exercise that provides an opportunity for couples

to work on accepting influence and to find out how they work together as a team. The
purpose of this exercise is for the couple to evaluate their ability to include their partner,
to accept influence, and to share power. Time: 30 minutes: 10 minutes for the partners to
do the task individually and 20 minutes for their decision-making and consensus exercise.
Couple’s Instructions: Have each partner look over the individual sheet describing the
survival task. Have them choose the 10 most important items and rank order them in
order of importance, with a “1” for the most important, a “2” for the next most important,
and so on. Have them do this problem first individually and then do it together on the
consensus form, discussing the task and filling out the ranking together. Remember the
time allotments: 30 minutes: 10 minutes for them to do the task individually and 20
minutes for their consensus decision-making.
Further Instructions: You are trying to help them accomplish three things in this
exercise: (1) GIVE AND ACCEPT INFLUENCE; (2) create a positive and cooperative
emotional tone in the discussion; and (3) try not to dominate one another.
Possible Questions You Can Discuss With Them Afterward:
What tactics did you use that were influential?
How do you INCLUDE or EXCLUDE the other person?
How do you work together as a team?
What was the emotional tone in the discussion?
Were you having fun? If not, what emotions did you feel?
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XX Exercise: Island Survival Task Individual Form
Your Situation: Your cruise ship sank in the Caribbean, and the two of you awake to find
yourselves on a tropical desert island. The you two are the only survivors, and one of you
is somewhat injured. You have no real idea of exactly where you are. You think that there
is some chance that people may know of the ship’s distress, but you are not sure. A storm
appears to be on the way. You decide that you need to prepare to survive on this island for
some time and also make sure you will rendezvous with a potential rescue party. There
are many items from the ship on the beach, and you make an inventory of this stuff. First
select the 10 most important items. Then rank order these 10 items for their survival value
according to your plan with a “1” for the most important item, a “2” for the next most
important item, and so on. First rank order these on your own on the individual form.
Then discuss the problem with your partner and complete the consensus form together.
Time: 30 minutes: 10 minutes for you to do the task individually and 20 minutes for your
consensus decision-making.
• Two changes of clothing • Cook stove and lantern

• AM-FM and shortwave radio • Long rope
receiver
• Two walkie-talkie sender-
• Water, 10 gallons receiver units
• Pots and pans • Freeze dried food for seven days
• Matches • Change of clothing
• Shovel • A fifth of whiskey
• Two tents • Regional aerial maps
• Two sleeping bags • A gun with six bullets
• Knife • Fifty packages of condoms
• Small life raft, with sail • First aid kit with penicillin
• Sun-block lotion • Oxygen tanks
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XX Exercise: Island Survival Task Consensus Form
Your cruise ship sank in the Caribbean, and the two of you awake to find yourselves on a
tropical desert island. The two of you are the only survivors, and one of you is somewhat
injured. You have no real idea of exactly where you are. You think that there is some
chance that people may know of the ship’s distress, but you are not sure. A storm appears
to be on the way. You decide that you need to prepare to survive on this island for some
time and also make sure you will rendezvous with a potential rescue party. There is a
bunch of stuff from the ship on the beach, and you make an inventory of this stuff. First
select the 10 most important items. Then rank order these 10 items for their survival value
according to your plan, with a “1” for the most important item, a “2” for the next most
important item, and so on. First rank order these on your own on the individual form.
Then discuss the problem with your partner and complete the consensus form together. In
this consensus exercise, try to do three things: (1) GIVE AND ACCEPT INFLUENCE;
(2) create a positive and cooperative emotional tone in the discussion; and (3) try not to
dominate.

• Sleeping bags • A gun with six bullets
• Lantern
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XX Exercise: Evaluation Form: Island Survival Task
Rate the interaction the two of you had during this exercise:
Were you both effective at influencing each other? Notes about influence attempts and the
results:
Were you both effective at being able to accept influence? Notes about accepting
influence:
Was there a dominance struggle or competitiveness?
Notes about competitiveness or dominance struggle:

Did anyone sulk or withdraw? Notes about withdrawal:
What were the emotions and actions like during this task? Notes:
anger:
sadness:
tension:
contempt (one person believing he or she is better than the other):
amusement or laughter:
interest:
affection (appreciations):
kindness:
Did you both feel included in this task? Notes:
Did you both work well as a team? Notes:
Did you each have fun? Notes:
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Intervention: Accept What You Cannot Change; Accept One

Another
Creating A Dialogue With Irresolvable Problems
Dan Wile (1988) wrote that “choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems.” He
said that problems would be a part of any relationship, and that a particular person would
have some set of problems no matter who that person committed to or married.
Paul married Alice and Alice gets loud at parties and Paul, who is shy, hates
that. But if Paul had married Susan, he and Susan would have gotten into a fight
before they even got to the party. That’s because Paul is always late and Susan
hates to be kept waiting. She would feel taken for granted, which she is very
sensitive about. Paul would see her complaining about this as her attempt to
dominate him, which he is very sensitive about. If Paul had married Gail, they
wouldn’t have even gone to the party because they would still be upset about an
argument they had the day before about Paul’s not helping with the housework.
To Gail when Paul does not help she feels abandoned, which she is sensitive
about, and to Paul Gail’s complaining is an attempt at domination, which he
is sensitive about. The same is true about Alice. If she had married Steve, she
would have the opposite problem, because Steve gets drunk at parties and she
would get so angry at his drinking that they would get into a fight about it. If
she had married Lou, she and Lou would have enjoyed the party but then when
they got home the trouble would begin when Lou wanted sex because he always
wants sex when he wants to feel closer, but sex is something Alice only wants
when she already feels close.
Wile wrote: “. . . there is value, when choosing a long-term partner, in realizing that you
will inevitably be choosing a particular set of irresolvable problems that you’ll be grap-
pling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.”
He also added that he recommends that one think of a committed relationship the way
a person might think of a car he or she loved that had a temperamental carburetor.
Eventually the person would become an expert on carburetors and, when driving, would
bring along a set of tools and a manual.
We have discovered in our study of long-term happy relationships that, when people stay mar-
ried for a long time, they learn to become mellower about one another’s faults. They become
more accepting of one another, and they communicate this acceptance. A big part of relation-
ship gridlock is that usually both people feel criticized and unaccepted by their partner.
Instructions: Prompt couple to ask themselves: “Is this one of our irresolvable prob-
lems?” and answer the questions listed under Accept What You Cannot Change: Accept
One Another exercise.
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XX Exercise: Accept What You Cannot Change; Accept One

Another
When you choose a partner, you automatically choose your set of irresolvable problems.
If you had married someone else you would have had a different set of irresolvable
problems. This is very much like the set of ailments we develop as we age. Trick knees,
bad back, indigestion. We learn to live with these chronic ailments and to make the best
of life in spite of them. The same is true in any relationship. Ask yourself: “Is this one of
our irresolvable problems?”
Ask your partner the following questions:
• What adaptations has each of us already made in our relationship? How have
we already adjusted to differences in our two personalities?
• Are there parts of one another’s personalities that are not ideal but to which we
have already made adjustments?
• Are one person’s feelings more important on this issue than the others? For
example, this issue may be more central to one person than to the other.
• Is it possible to have some type of trade-off across issues, for example with one
person winning on one issue and the other person winning on another issue?
• How can we further adapt to this?
• Can we minimize the importance of the issue, emphasize common ground,

laugh about this, accept one another’s foibles?
• Is it okay for this problem to never be fully resolved?
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Intervention: Find Dreams In Each Other’s Gridlock
Pitfalls: The Open Manhole Covers in this Exercise
This is a powerful exercise, and it often requires a great deal of therapist support and
work on symbolic meanings. In Gottman couples workshops, we have discovered that
about 10 to 20 percent of the couples who go through this exercise run into trouble.
Some people are unaware that they have, in fact, given up their dreams over time. Some
people are aware, but place the blame on their partner, accepting no responsibility for the
decision not to pursue their own dreams. The effect of this exercise on these people is to
make them angry at their partner. There are resultant feelings of being disappointed, hurt,
and disgusted with the conditions that have led them to be frustrated about not pursuing
their dreams. Instead, the therapist needs to help them take responsibility for these things
and go from here. This exercise is not about airing resentments. That attitude will ruin the
spirit of the exercise.
Instructions: This is an exercise to help couples see the dreams on both sides of imagi-
nary couple’s gridlocked issues. With your couple, review examples from the following
list of gridlocked problems and dreams, and have them add their own pretend narrative
stories demonstrating the dream within the conflict.
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XX Exercise: Find Dreams In Each Other’s Gridlock
Instructions: The following is a list of gridlocked issues that other people have had in
their relationships. In this exercise, see if you can imagine and identify a dream within
each position. Make up a story, or narrative, for each side of the gridlock. In each case,
imagine that this is your position and that it is very hard for you to yield on this position.
Think of what your position might mean to you. Also imagine where this dream may
come from in your own pretend past life. Doing this will eventually help you with your
own gridlocked conflict. For the first two issues, the narrative story about the dream
within the conflict is included. For the remainder of the issues, add your own pretend
narrative story. One suggested narrative is at the end of the exercise.
Gridlocked Position Example A:
I want to save money so that we can have an investment portfolio for our later
years. My partner wants to spend money and not live for tomorrow. My partner
objects to having a sizeable savings plan. I think that my partner is impractical
and thoughtless.
Here’s a story that illustrates the dream within this conflict:
I grew up living with my grandmother, who was a fine person. However, she and
my mother just did not get along. So in her later years, my grandmother had very
little control of her own life, and she had to endure a lot of indignities just so she
could have a roof over her head. I feel that I am a lot like her. When I become
old I want to have the control over my life that she never had. I want to be able
to live as I want to live, not extravagantly, but with dignity and some measure of
control. Depending on my health, this will take some money set aside, and some
planning. But I feel I need this to be secure right now that everything will be
okay when I become old.
Gridlocked Example B:
I want to spend a reasonably large portion of our income, close to 10 percent,

on charitable contributions. My partner objects to this because we do not have
much of a savings plan ourselves. My partner thinks my insistence on this is
impractical and thoughtless.
Here’s a story that illustrates the dream within this conflict:
My family, the Johnsons, have a heritage of giving money to the poor and of
spending part of every week doing something for the poor. My mother ran a
soup kitchen, for example. I have always worked in a soup kitchen in our local
church. I decided long ago to tithe, and that is a part of my identity. It is my
link to my family tradition. I can’t give in on this issue because I would be
betraying something that I believe in, I would be betraying myself. My dream is
to lead a moral life in what I see as a basically selfish and cruel world.
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Now add a pretend narrative story that could illustrate the dream within each of the
following conflicts. In each case, imagine that this is your position, and that it is very
hard for you to yield on this position. Think of what your position might mean to you.
Find the dream within the position. Also think about where this dream may come from in
your own pretend past life.
Examples of Gridlocked Problems:
Gridlocked Position #1:
My partner is overly neat and tidy, in my opinion. I like a certain amount of

order and neatness in our home, but not as much as my partner insists upon. I
find myself constantly trying to find things after my partner has cleaned up. I
think my partner is being inconsiderate, and overly controlling, and I am tired of
this.
My story that illustrates the dream within this conflict might be:
I like a certain amount of order and neatness in our home. I find myself
constantly cleaning up my partner’s messes. I think my partner is being
inconsiderate, and I am tired of this.
My partner has an issue with jealousy. I think that at parties and other places
it is the time to meet new people, and I find this very interesting. My partner
hangs on and is overly shy. My partner claims that I look at other people and act
flirtatious, but this isn’t true at all. I find this insulting, and it makes me angry. I
don’t know how to reassure my partner, and I am tired of trying. This is affecting
trust between us.
I have an issue with jealousy. I think that at parties and other places my partner
looks at other people and acts in a flirtatious manner. I find this insulting and
demeaning. I have brought this up repeatedly and cannot get my partner to stop.
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My partner is an overly emotional person and claims that I am far too
unemotional. This difference between us makes me feel that my partner is
overreactive and out of control at times, perhaps overly sensitive. I think that
being rational is usually the best approach to strong emotional situations, not
getting more emotional. My partner claims that I am hard to read and too distant.

I am a very emotional person, and my partner is far too unemotional. This
difference between us makes me feel that my partner is cold and fake at times,
not really present. Many times I have no idea what my partner is thinking or
feeling. I am frustrated by this difference between us.

My partner needs a lot of time alone, but I think in a relationship it is important
to spend our free time doing things together. I find it hard to get this need met
and feel like my partner really doesn’t have too much interest in being with
me. I am called dependent by my partner for wanting to be intimate in this
relationship.

I need a lot of time alone, but my partner keeps wanting to spend all of our free
time doing things together. I find this dependent and cloying and resent not
getting enough time just to do things that I like, by myself or with friends.

My partner likes to have sex much more often than I do. I don’t know what to
do when my partner keeps approaching me for sexual intimacy. I don’t know
how to say “No” in a gentle way. This pattern makes me feel like an ogre. I don’t
know how to deal with this.
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I like to have sex much more often than my partner. I keep getting my feelings
hurt when I approach my partner for sexual intimacy and get turned down. This
pattern makes me feel unattractive and unwanted. I don’t know how to deal with
this.

We have different styles of wanting to make love. When we try to talk about
these differences I keep feeling frustrated. I try to explain the things I need for
sex to feel more like making love, but these things seem never to get through to
my partner.

these differences, I keep feeling inadequate. It seems to me that my partner has
so many conditions that must be met before we can make love that this will
never happen, or it will always be fraught with problems.

Money has been a gridlocked conflict of ours for some time. I think that my
partner is far too stingy when it comes to money and doesn’t believe in spending
enough on just enjoying life and having fun. I also resent not having more
personal freedom and control when it comes to money.

partner is impractical when it comes to money and spends far too thoughtlessly
and selfishly.
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My partner likes to stay in much closer touch with our families than I do. To me,
family connections are great sources of stress and disappointment. I have broken
away from my family, and I want much greater distance.

I like to stay in much closer touch with my family than my partner does. To me
family connections are very important. My partner wants greater independence
from our families than I do.

I am far more introverted than my partner is. I like to spend a lot of quiet time
alone. My partner wants to have dinner parties fairly often, have people over
a lot, and be more connected to friends than I do. I am more of a loner, more
solitary than my partner. This has been a continual issue between us.

I am far more extroverted than my partner. I like to have dinner parties fairly
often, have people over a lot, and be more connected to friends than my partner
does. My partner is more of a loner, more solitary. This has been a continual
issue between us.

I believe in more strict discipline of children than my partner does. I can’t stand
kids who are selfish, rude, misbehaved, or disrespectful. I think my partner is
soft on our kids and spoils the children. I believe in tough love and that best
prepares kids for success in the world.
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My partner believes more in strict discipline of children than I do. I am accused
of being soft, of spoiling the children. I believe that love and understanding is
the way to approach kids, but my partner was raised a different way and does not
agree with my philosophy about raising children.

My career is very important to me. My partner places much more importance
and emphasis on family than I do, and this keeps causing great conflict between
us. I think we do enough things together as a couple and family, but my partner
constantly complains about this.

My partner places much more importance and emphasis on career than on
family, and this keeps causing great conflict between us. We tend to do very little
together as a couple or family because of this.
Sample Narrative Dreams for List of Gridlocked Positions

My partner is overly neat and tidy, in my opinion. I like a certain amount of
order and neatness in our home, but not as much as my partner insists upon. I
find myself constantly trying to find things after my partner has cleaned up. I
think my partner is being inconsiderate and overly controlling, and I am tired of
this.
Sample story that illustrates the dream within this conflict:
Growing up, my parents were very strict disciplinarians. They wouldn’t take any
disagreement in the home. They saw this as insubordination. As a result of this, I
became somewhat of a rebel. I freely admit that I have a problem with authority,
and that’s why I decided to build my own business. I think of a home as a place
where I can be myself, and that means not following any rigid set of rules. I
want my kids to challenge authority and think for themselves, not simply learn to
be obedient. I myself want to be free in my home, free to be myself, even if that
means being a bit sloppy at times.
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I like a certain amount of order and neatness in our home. I find myself
constantly cleaning up my partner’s messes. I think my partner is being
inconsiderate, and I am tired of this.
I grew up in a totally chaotic home. There was nothing I could count on as a
child. I never knew who was driving me to school or picking me up. My mom
would sometimes forget to pick me up, and I hated her for that sometimes. Then
I would get home, and there would often be no dinner and no clean clothes.
It fell on my shoulders to create all the order and sense of responsibility for
my younger sibs. I resented having to do all that. My parents just weren’t fully
mature. Well, I want to provide a much healthier family environment for my kids
and family. To me, order means predictability, security, and peacefulness. I want
that for my kids. When the house is a mess it takes me back to the chaos of my
youth.
My partner has an issue with jealousy. I think that at parties and other places
it is the time to meet new people, and I find this very interesting. My partner
hangs on and is overly shy. My partner claims that I look at other people and act
flirtatious, but this isn’t true at all. I find this insulting and it makes me angry. I
don’t know how to reassure my partner and I am tired of trying. This is affecting
trust between us.
I must admit that I have always liked parties, especially dancing. It is my place
to unwind. I enjoy meeting new people, and finding people to dance with. I
like dancing with my partner as well, but I like to feel free to meet lots of new
personalities at a party. I really do not flirt, nor do I have any interest in anyone
but my spouse. It’s just that parties are my only way of really satisfying my
gregarious and wild side. I really don’t want to be responsible for anyone else
when I go to a party. My dream is a dream of freedom and exploration.
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I have an issue with jealousy. I think that at parties and other places my partner
looks at other people and acts in a flirtatious manner. I find this insulting and
demeaning. I have brought this up repeatedly and cannot get my partner to stop.
I have always wanted to be able to feel that I was enough for someone special
in my life. That is my dream: To feel truly attractive and desirable to my partner.
I want my partner to be interested in ME, in knowing me and finding out what I
think, wanting to know what I am like inside. I would find it incredibly romantic
If I could go to a party with my spouse, and my partner didn’t even notice that
there was anyone else there, had eyes only for me, and spent hours in rapt
conversation and dancing with just me and if that were totally satisfying for my
partner.
My partner is an overly emotional person and claims that I am far too
unemotional. This difference between us makes me feel that my partner is over
reactive and out of control at times, perhaps overly sensitive. I think that being
rational is usually the best approach to strong emotional situations, not getting
more emotional. My partner claims that I am hard to read and too distant.
I grew up in a family where everyone was a debater. We loved to argue with
one another. My dad always asked a question, challenged me, and then took a
contrary position to mine. Then the debate was on. It was no-holds-barred, and
we all loved it. But getting emotional was illegal in this debating contest. Once
someone got emotional, the argument was over. So staying in emotional control
was highly prized in my family. It still is. That’s why I can do the job I have so
well. It requires a cool head, and getting emotional is not an asset. So maybe I
should be more emotional, but it’s not in my makeup. I think of it as a weakness,
not a strength.
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I am a very emotional person and my partner is far too unemotional. This
difference between us makes me feel that my partner is cold and “fake” at times,
not really present. Many times I have no idea what my partner is thinking or
feeling. I am frustrated by this difference between us.
I am just an emotional person, and that’s all there is to it. I think that’s what life
is all about, feeling things, being in contact, responding. That’s what responsible
ought to mean, “response able,” or able to respond. That’s the highest value
for me. I respond to everything around me, to great art, to architecture, to
children, to puppies, to competition in athletics, to sad movies, to everything. To
be emotional just means being alive. And if I can’t share my emotions with the
person I love, then what’s the point? The relationship is doomed to seem dead,
fake, and lonely.
My partner needs a lot of time alone, but I think in a relationship it is important
to spend our free time doing things together. I find it hard to get this need met,
and feel like my partner really doesn’t have too much interest in being with
me. I am called “dependent” by my partner for wanting to be intimate in this
relationship.
I am dependent, but I think that’s a strength. I need to be needed and I need a
lot of intimacy in my closest relationships. Relationships are not about doing
things separately. I like a certain amount of alone-ness, and I need some time
just to be with my kids, for work, for my hobbies, and for my friends. But I think
that fundamentally a relationship is about contact, not time apart. I want my life
entwined with my partner’s. That kind of intimacy and shared purpose is deeply
fulfilling. I am lonely in this relationship, and I don’t think that’s right.
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I need a lot of time alone, but my partner keeps wanting to spend all of our free
time doing things together. I find this dependent and cloying and resent not
getting enough time just to do things that I like, by myself or with friends.
I have just a certain amount of energy, and I apportion that energy to my
painting, my child, and my partner. That’s it for me. To paint, to really be able
to paint from the soul, which is very important to me, requires a great deal of
time alone. I admit that this may be selfish, but I need it unless whatever I do
be superficial. I cannot create, I cannot find that red line inside me where my
anguish lives unless I spend a great deal of time alone. What do I do when I am
alone? I can’t even begin to tell you, except to say that I drift in an aimless and
rambling way that leads to nowhere in particular. But I can’t even begin to go
there with someone else.
My partner likes to have sex much more often than I do. I don’t know what to do
when my partner keeps approaching me for sexual intimacy. I don’t know how to
say “No” in a gentle way. This pattern makes me feel like an ogre. I don’t know
how to deal with this.
I was sexually mistreated long ago. I had no control over this, and it was quite
horrible, but it did happen. I know my partner is not to blame for many of the
feelings I now have. But I feel that sex can be okay only if it is on my terms. In
my relationship, there has been a lot of healing and gentleness, but I probably
will never get over these feelings of having gone through a real trauma. I need to
be able to have sexual closeness on my terms only.
I like to have sex much more often than my partner. I keep getting my feelings
hurt when I approach my partner for sexual intimacy and get turned down. This
pattern makes me feel unattractive and unwanted. I don’t know how to deal with
this.
My dream is to have my partner initiate sexual encounters with me and somehow
be swept away by passion, I guess to really be totally attracted to me. I know
I am not especially much to look at, but on some days I am not too bad. I
periodically want my partner to feel that I am simply irresistible.
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these differences I keep feeling frustrated. I try to explain the things I need for
sex to feel more like making love, but these things seem never to get through to
my partner.
To me, sex ought to be an expression of affection and great closeness. It ought
to flow naturally from these things. Otherwise it seems contrived and artificial
to me. I have found sex to build the relationship when it has these qualities, so I
keep looking for this right combination of intimacy and romance. I want passion,
and I also want gentleness and closeness.
these differences I keep feeling inadequate. It seems to me that my partner has so
many conditions that must be met before we can make love that this will never
happen, or it will always be fraught with problems.
I wish our sex were more erotic and sensual. Sometimes I just want sex to be
easy and very natural. I want to be desired and not just play a role of having
to manage romance. Sometimes a passionate quickie seems just right. It can
ease tension and draw us closer together. Lots of times romance seems phony
and contrived to me, like I am acting in a play. I would love my partner to be so
carried away with passion and desire for me that we just do it because it must
be. I also have some fantasies I would like to share with my partner, but I am
afraid to bring them up.
partner is far too stingy when it comes to money and doesn’t believe in spending
enough on just enjoying life and having fun. I also resent not having more
personal freedom and control when it comes to money.
Life is too short to just save for the future all the time. I know that a certain
amount of that is necessary, but I want to have some sense that I am not just
living for tomorrow. I don’t want to feel that life is passing me by. And that’s
what I often feel, that I am not special enough to “waste” money on. I want to
feel special and very alive. Where this comes from is, I suppose, always having
to scrimp when I was poor. But now I make a good income, and I don’t have to
live like that anymore.
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partner is impractical when it comes to money and spends far too thoughtlessly
and selfishly.
I want to enjoy life, but within limits. To me the problem with the world is greed.
People never seem to be able to have enough stuff or get enough money. Just
look at Americans on vacation, with all their things, campers, motorcycles,
boats, cars. I don’t want to want things. I want to be satisfied with just a small
amount of things and a small amount of money. I honestly don’t need very
much to be happy. So I see myself as kind of like a monk, who has a purpose
in life, and I do have that. A monk can be satisfied with very little, contented,
counting all the blessings in life, and there are so many. So I believe in saving
and spending very little. To me that’s how one should lead a moral life. Where
does this come from? I think it comes from my father, who also was very frugal.
Thanks to him, our family always did well, and when he died my mom was well
provided for. I respect what he accomplished.
My partner likes to stay in much closer touch with our families than I do. To me
family connections are great sources of stress and disappointment. I have broken
away from my family, and I want much greater distance.
It took me a great deal of effort to get away from a very dysfunctional family. My
parents were very cold and distant. My sister wound up in a mental hospital, and
my brother became a drug addict. I was the only one who escaped. I escaped by
becoming very distant from my family and becoming very close to my friends.
Friendships have always meant a lot to me and continue to be very important.
But I am wary of being close to my partner’s family. I see a lot of dysfunctional
patterns, and they scare me. I want us to form our own family traditions and
maintain our own independence.
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I like to stay in much closer touch with my family than my partner does. To me
family connections are very important. My partner wants greater independence
from our families than I do.
To me, a feeling of an extended family has always been very important. I can
recall many a Sunday when my mother would have 20 or 30 family members
visit. The coffee and pastries would keep coming all afternoon, and there would
be lots of good stories and card playing and lots of laughter. Then there would
be great food for dinner. Even during the hard times, my mother always was able
to stretch the soup, and it stayed thick and hearty. I have always wanted to have
this family feeling of community, closeness, and great comfort in my own family.
I am far more introverted than my partner is. I like to spend a lot of quiet time
alone. My partner wants to have dinner parties fairly often, have people over
a lot, and be more connected to friends than I do. I am more of a loner, more
solitary than my partner. This has been a continual issue between us.
I really value quietness and peace. My best times as a child growing up
were, frankly, times when I was in nature. As I grew up, I came to love solo
backpacking and mountain climbing. Today, I still need to spend lots of time
alone in my woodshop. I really enjoy working with my hands and making
beautiful furniture. I like people, but only after I have had a lot of solitude. My
partner is far more socially skilled than I am, and I appreciate those qualities.
But I can’t be as outgoing as my partner. Where does all this come from? As far
as I can tell it’s just my nature. My family was very social, and I participated
in many family events growing up, but they let me have my solitude, and I
appreciated that.
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I am far more extroverted than my partner. I like to have dinner parties fairly
often, have people over a lot, and be more connected to friends than my partner
does. My partner is more of a loner, more solitary. This has been a continual
issue between us.
I am just a people person. I have a job doing TV production in which I
coordinate many talented people in a team in which I get things done, and
the whole process is very dynamic. I love the excitement. I love working with
artists and enjoy eccentric, interesting, creative people. At home, I really believe
in opening our home to people, making our home a place where very interesting
people will want to come for food, good conversation, and intellectual and
emotional nourishment. To me a lot of very interesting things happen in such a
home. Now I also want my children to be exposed to this type of home. I think it
can be very fulfilling for them.
I believe in more strict discipline of children than my partner does. I can’t stand
kids who are selfish, rude, misbehaved, or disrespectful. I think my partner is
soft on our kids and spoils the children. I believe in “tough love,” and that best
prepares kids for success in the world.
My family believed in “tough love.” In my family, all the kids had chores to
do, and we earned our own allowances. The older kids had more responsible
and more difficult chores to do and were a model for the younger kids. No
one whined in my family. We just did our chores, and that was that. I think the
discipline was one of the best things in my growing up. It also gave our family
a feeling of working together towards a common goal. Whenever one of us kids
messed up, we knew what was coming to us, and we took our punishment without
complaining. This was not a cold family. It was very warm and loving. We were
raised with good values. We just all worked hard on the farm and helped out,
because it was the right thing to do. I believe that kind of thing is sorely needed
in today’s world. It’s good for families and good for kids.
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My partner believes more in strict discipline of children than I do. I am accused
of being soft, of spoiling the children. I believe that love and understanding is
the way to approach kids, but my partner was raised a different way and does not
agree with my philosophy about raising children.
In my family we were allowed a lot of freedom to develop our own individual
personalities. We could decide what our interests were, and we were encouraged
to develop on our own. My parents were very understanding of our feelings, and
we were never hit. We had discipline, but it was based on reasoning and on love
and understanding. My parents were always very flexible. We had rules, but we
problem-solved so that things stayed flexible. I think that is the way to raise kids,
with love and understanding. I hate an authoritarian approach because I want
my kids to be able to think for themselves.
My career is very important to me. My partner places much more importance
and emphasis on family than I do, and this keeps causing great conflict between
us. I think we do enough things together as a couple and family, but my partner
constantly complains about this.
I love being a lawyer. To me it is all about the pursuit of justice. In my work, I
am trying to make the world a better place, to be able to help people lift up the
yoke of oppression that injustice is a part of. I feel like a champion for freedom
and liberty in my work. It is really a crusade for me. So I really see my “family”
as all the clients who come into my office. I also value my family. I tend to view
them as my real source of sanity and love in this bitter world. I try to do all I can
to balance work and family. But my work is my true passion, my calling, and my
major source of identity in my life.
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My partner places much more importance and emphasis on career than on
family and this keeps causing great conflict between us. We tend to do very little
together as a couple or family because of this.
To me, being a husband and father are the most important things I have ever done
and the most challenging. I am the family chef, and I take this job very seriously.
I love shopping, planning meals, and cooking, and seeing everyone in the family
happy and healthy. That’s where I get my real kicks. I do really enjoy my work as
well, but I must admit it is secondary. I am married to a very dedicated career
woman. She is a great wife and mother as well. But I am very upset about many of
the choices she makes that take her away from the family. We are doing less and
less together as a family, and the kids are growing. I am afraid she is missing it
all. I know I am missing her.
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Intervention: Video Playback
Purpose: The purpose of this intervention is to help couples move from an attack-defend
mode to an admitting mode, where they can admit their role in the discussion, without
starting the fight all over again.
Instructions: Position the camera behind your chair so that it’s facing the couple. Be sure
to test the camera before the couple comes in to check that they’re both in the viewfinder
and can be heard. We usually put on biofeedback devices during this conversation. Then
when they’re ready, start the camera.
Let the couple talk about their problem for about 10 minutes, while you sit behind a video
camera and record their conversation.
Watch the interaction on the video monitor with the couple. This focus should be on
having each partner observe him or herself and not critique the other. This process is
so powerful for most couples because it moves them from an attack-defend mode to an
admitting mode, where they can admit their role in the discussion without starting the
fight all over again. Admitting is part of processing the interaction.
We recommend that you do not speak during the couples discussion in the ring, but think
of an intervention, preferably one that will provide the couple with one tool they can use
for their next interaction. Think of the model of a boxing coach, who, after the bell goes
off signaling the end of a round, gives the boxer one very simple suggestion that can be
used in the next round. The boxer can hear only simple and clear direction, because he
has been getting hit on the head in the past round. Generally, at any particular stage of
treatment, the couple will be working on specific processes of The Sound Relationship
House. Especially in these days when videotaping is so inexpensive with such high
resolution, it is a mystery why one would want to avoid having this tool as part of one’s
practice. Video playback is very powerful in getting people to move away from an attack-
defend mode.
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Intervention: Repair Checklist
Purpose: For couple to discuss and resolve one issue in their relationship. Don’t pick a
gridlocked issue.
Information: All couples naturally make many attempts to repair their interaction
when it goes negative. In happier relationships, this repair work is done before the
interaction becomes negative as a way of keeping things on track emotionally. Our
research discovered that men in relationships that wound up stable and very happy
were de-escalating low-level negativity. This means that their response to their wives’
being hurt, angry, disappointed, or just generally upset with them was to be neutral (not
stonewalling) for at least five seconds. The major effect of this de-escalation was that the
husband’s heart rate dropped significantly. Its calming effect on the husband predicted
good things for the relationship.
In couples interactions, making repair attempts is a great skill. One aspect of repair is
learning how to put on the brakes when you and your partner are in a negative cycle
(the stop-action statements on your repair checklist). The first thing instructors teach you
when you learn to ski is the snowplow. You have to learn how to slow down and how to
stop. Because we are formalizing a natural process, even one that may not be working,
this may feel somewhat artificial and phony. For now, we want to introduce this artificial
method for putting the brakes on when an interaction goes negative.
Instructions: Use The Gottman Repair Checklist. The couple takes five minutes to
become familiar with the checklist. Then they use the checklist in their discussion. They
are to announce to their partner that this is a repair attempt before making it. They can
refer to the repair attempt by number, as in, “I’m making a repair attempt. It’s the one
under ‘I FEEL, #6.’” They continue the discussion for an additional 15 minutes. The job
of the receiver of a repair attempt is to try to accept the repair attempt. This means that
the receiver needs to find that part of the repair attempt that he or she can agree with right
now.
The process also involves accepting influence. They are to try to view the interruption of
the conversation (from the Repair Checklist) by the partner as an attempt to make things
better, and they are to try to accept the repair attempt. The checklist can then go on the
couple’s refrigerator or someplace else that’s in the home. They are to retrieve it and use
it whenever it is needed.
Below is a useful checklist to help you review your work with this intervention as well as to help
you improve your skills in the Gottman Method.
a. Stop the couple and explain the concept of offering and accepting repairs and why it
is useful. You may briefly describe research distinguishing between the masters and
disasters of relationships using repairs if it flows from the context of the discussion.
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b. Provide the Repair Checklist and explain its use.
c. Help the couple to find a repair that works for them.
d. Re-direct the couple to resume their discussion using the repair checklist.
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Intervention: Meta-Emotions and Relationship Communication
The Meta-Emotion Interview taps qualitative information about each partner’s attitudes
towards emotion and how these are reflected in the relationship. The interview can be
done conjointly or individually. In this interview, we determine the history of each per-
son and the couple’s feelings and philosophy about the basic emotions: sadness, anger,
fear, love, pride, embarrassment, guilt, and shame. For more information, see the book
Meta-Emotion by Gottman, Katz, and Hooven (published in 1997 by Lawrence Erlbaum
Associates, Hillsdale, New Jersey). The Meta-Emotion Interview has become the corner-
stone of our research, linking the relationship, parent-child, and child-peer systems (refer
to chapter on Meta Emotions).
You can mix and match the questions from the Meta-Emotions interview, the and do a
combined interview in about 30–40 minutes.
Overview
by Sybil Carrere, John M. Gottman, Mary McGonigle, Stacey Prince, Dan Yoshimoto,
Melissa Wilson Hawkins, Satcha Dearborn, and Amber Tabares
We created a relationship meta-emotion interview for our study of relationship commu-

nication patterns. The interview measures people’s feelings about their emotions. The
interview taps childhood experiences of emotion in the nuclear family as well as current
experiences of emotion within the relationship. We want to learn if the feelings partners
have about emotions influence important relationship communication processes. For ex-
ample, if a person were raised in a family where the father physically abused the children
and their mother, would the history of childhood abuse influence the individual’s atti-
tudes about expressions of anger in relationship conflict? In this example, we would want
to know how well this person could both recognize and respond to his partner’s anger.
Further, does that response facilitate good conflict resolution and enhanced relationship
quality, or does it exacerbate relationship conflict?
There are a number of factors we are interested in that are similar to the original purposes
of the meta-emotion interview used with parents. We are interested in whether the indi-
vidual is dismissive of the partner’s emotions or whether the individual “coaches” the
partner’s emotions.
In this application of the meta-emotion interview, emotional coaching might be seen as

facilitation or encouragement of the partner’s emotion in service of the relationship and
the partner’s well-being. We also want to know how the individual’s feelings about and
responses to emotions affect the health of both partners, influence their ability to cope
with the demands of their careers, and shape the quality of their social support system.
We particularly want to examine the ways a couple’s meta-emotions influence the course and
quality of their relationship. In the short time that we have used the relationship meta-emo-
tion interview, we have been struck by the association between the experience people have
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as children with emotions and their corresponding ability to cope with and respond to
similar emotions within the martial context. How people learned to express emotions as
children and cope with the emotions of their nuclear families appears to be related to how
they express emotions and respond to the emotions of their partners. The person we de-
scribed in the earlier example who had a physically abusive father could withdraw from
his partner’s anger rather than risk being like his father. A person who had a mother who
rarely, if ever, expressed affection physically may find it very uncomfortable to express
affection physically towards her partner. Further, an individual’s perception of how she or
he expresses a particular emotion may not match the partner’s perception of how she or
he expresses that emotion. One person in our study reported that he never expressed an-
ger toward his children (again, because of an abusive father). However his partner com-
plained that he frequently would explode in anger at the dining room table, leaving her to
smooth matters over with the children.
We suspect that when individuals have a narrow, poorly developed expression and experi-
ence of an emotion, there will be a negative impact on relationship communication and the
quality of the relationship. This lack of emotional development is not unlike having a
poor vocabulary, only in this situation it leads to a poor emotional vocabulary and the
lack of skills that are needed to build rich and
rewarding social relationships. Some of the factors related to relationship processes we
want to look at with this meta-emotion interview include whether there are mismatches
between an individual’s report of how he or she expresses an emotion and the partner’s
report of how he or she expresses that emotion. We are also interested in learning whether
discomfort with a particular emotion results in dysfunctional relationship communication
patterns. We hypothesize that a rich and well-developed sense and understanding of an emo-
tion enhances relationship communication. For example, we would predict that a person
who characterizes sadness as having many diverse meanings and who is comfortable
with his own expression of sadness would be likely to recognize his partner’s sadness and
encourage her to express her sadness, thus opening up more channels of communication
and intimacy between them.
Procedures for the Relationship Meta-Emotion Interview
In research, each partner is interviewed individually without the partner present. We do

this to increase the partner’s opportunity to share information with us that he or she might
not share if the relationship partner were present. The interviewer asks the partner a series
of questions about how a particular emotion was treated by his or her family when he or
she was growing up. The individual is then asked questions about how he or she experi-
ences that particular emotion now. The third component of the interview focuses on the
individual’s experience of his or her partner’s expression of that specific emotion and on
what takes place when the partner displays that emotion. We ask the partner about his
or her family history, his or her current experience, and his or her partner’s expression
of the following emotions: sadness, anger, affection, and pride. We ask the person about
his or her experience with a particular emotion (family history, the present, and partner
expression) before moving to the next emotion of interest. We also ask a series of ques-
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tions about how his or her parents and partner expressed displeasure with the individual’s
behavior.
The interview is semi-structured with open-ended questions. The goal is to get a rich
understanding of how people feel about their emotions. The questions in the interview are
more of a guide than a rigorous set of questions that must be asked in a particular order.
We want to create an interview situation in which the partners can paint us a clear picture
of their experience of their own emotions growing up and the emotions of their families,
what it is like for them to experience these emotions now, and what their experience is of
their partner’s emotions. To get these meta-emotion portraits, we not only pay attention
to what is said but also to what is nonverbally communicated. We use both verbal and
nonverbal cues from our study participants to guide the questions we need to ask to get
an in-depth sense of their feelings about their emotions. Sometimes a person will be very
cryptic in his or her responses, and it is hard to get a picture of how that individual feels
about his or her emotions. In this kind of situation, we try to get the partner to tell us a
story about his or her experience perhaps by giving us an example of when she or he felt
that emotion. So, for example, if an individual is talking about pride she experienced as a
child, we might get her to tell us about a time her parents expressed pride over something
she did as a child. As the individual starts to tell us the story, we can ask how her parents
showed their pride, what her response was, how siblings reacted, etc. We might then ask
her about other ways her parents expressed pride. We work with the person we are inter-
viewing to flesh out the story of that emotion in her or his childhood. When we feel we
have a clear picture of the breadth and nature of the person’s experience with that emo-
tion as a child, we move on to the next section of the interview.
We also find that people feel more comfortable and open up as time goes on in the in-
terview. They are more forthcoming with information, in part because they have got-
ten to know the interviewer, but also because they have an understanding for what kind
of information the interviewer is looking. In addition, when we first start interviewing
the partners, we are asking them to go back 20, 30, 40 years or more in time to retrieve
memories. It is often hard at first for them to remember, but once they have retrieved
those memories, it becomes easier to remember other details of their emotional past.
This is an interview that is fascinating to conduct, and we find that the people we inter-
view frequently find the interview helps them gain insights about their lives. We have
found the interview to be valuable as a research tool because it allows the researcher to
collect information about couple’s emotion that is robust and contextual.
References
Buehlman, K.T., and Gottman, J.M. (1996). The oral history coding system. In J. Gottman
(ed.) What predicts divorce; The measures, (pp. OH-OH118). Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum
Associates.
Buehlman, K.T., Gottman, J.M., and Katz, L.F. (1992). How a family views their past predicts
their future: Predicting divorce from an oral history interview. Journal of Family Psychology, 5:
295–318.
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Carrere, S., Buehlman, K.T., Gottman, J.M., Coan, J., and Ruckstuhl, L. (2000). Predicting rela-
tionship stability and divorce in newlywed couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 14: 42–58.
Shapiro, A.F., Gottman, J.M., and Carrere, S. (2000). The baby and the marriage: Identifying fac-
tors that buffer against decline in relationship satisfaction after the first baby arrives. Journal of
Family Psychology, 14: 59–70.
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Intervention: Meta Emotion Interview Questions
by Sybil Carrere, John M. Gottman, Mary McGonigle, Stacey Prince, Dan Yoshimoto,
Melissa Wilson Hawkins, Satcha Dearborn, and Amber Tabares
Instructions: Say the following:
I would like to ask you some questions about how you feel about your feelings. Take
surprise as an example. Now, some people don’t ever like being surprised. On the other
hand, some people love to be surprised and love surprising others. Surprise is a feeling
that they like and really enjoy and they want to have more of it in their lives. They go out
of their way to have it. So, there’s no right or wrong about this. People are just different.
I am going to be asking you about your own feelings, how you experienced feeling while
growing up and how you feel about feelings now, O.K.? Do you have any questions? So,
let’s get started with the feeling of sadness.
Part One: Sadness
Interviewer: Let’s talk about feeling sad.
What was your experience with sadness when you were growing up; what was sadness
like in your family?
What made you feel sad?
What would you do when you were sad?
Who was approachable, who did you talk to (i.e., immediate or extended family mem-
bers, teachers, clergy persons), or who comforted you when you were sad?
How did your parents respond to your sadness?
How did you sisters and brothers respond to your sadness?
What was it like when your mother was sad?
What was it like when your father was sad?
How did your parents respond to each other’s sadness?
What was it like when your brothers or sisters were sad?
How did your parents respond to your sister’s and brother’s sadness?
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Interviewer: Now let’s move to the present.
What is it like for you to be sad now?

What would you look like, what would I see if I saw you sad? Could I tell if you were
sad?
Who is approachable, who do you talk to (i.e., partner, immediate or extended family
members, friends, clergy persons), or who comforts you when you are sad?
Who is approachable, who do you talk to when your partner makes you feel sad?
Can you give me a recent example of when you were sad?
In general, what are your thoughts and feelings about sadness? (In general, how do you
feel about your sadness?)
How does you partner respond to your sadness?
How do you feel about your partner’s response to your sadness?
Interviewer: Let’s talk about your partner’s sadness.
What about _________ (the partner)? Can you tell when (s)he’s sad? Can you tell subtle
signs? Tell me what it is like.
What does (s)he do when sad (e.g., a little blue?)
How do you respond to ________ (partner’s) sadness? What might you do?
How does you partner respond to the way you deal with his or her sadness?
In general, what are your thoughts and feeling about ______ (partner’s) sadness?
What does your partner’s sadness bring out in you?
Can you give me a recent example or vivid example of one time that _____ (partner) was
sad and what happened; who said and did what (try to get a play-by-play account of what
happened)?
Part Two: Anger
Interviewer: Let’s now talk about feeling angry.
What was your experience with anger when you were growing up; what was anger like in
your family?
What made you feel angry?
What would you do when you were angry?
When you wanted to talk about something that made you angry, who was approachable,
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who did you talk to (i.e., immediate or extended family members, teachers, clergy per-
sons) when you were angry?
How did your parents respond to your anger?
How did your sisters and brothers respond to your anger?
What was it like when your mother was angry?
What was it like when your father was angry?
How did you parents respond to each other’s anger?
What was it like when your brothers or sisters were angry?
How did your parents respond to your brother’s or sister’s anger?
Interviewer: Let’s move to the present.
What is it like for you to be angry now?

What would you look like, what would I see if I saw you angry? Could I tell if you were
angry?
Who is approachable, who do you talk to (i.e., partner, immediate or extended family
members, friends, clergy persons), or who comforts you when you are angry?
Who is approachable, who do you talk to when your partner makes you feel angry?
Can you give me a recent example of when you felt angry? (any example is fine)
In general, what are your thoughts and feelings about your experience of anger? (In gen-
eral, how do you feel about your anger?)
(For the next two questions, inquire about when their partner is angry with them and
when their partner is angry in general or about something else.)
How does you partner respond to your anger?
How do you feel about your partner’s response to your anger?
Interviewer: Let’s talk about your partner’s anger.
What about _________ (the partner)? Can you tell when (s)he’s angry? Can you tell
subtle signs? Tell me what it is like.
What does (s)he do when angry?
What are your thoughts and feelings about
________ (partner’s) anger?
What is it like when _______ (partner) is angry with you?
(For the next two questions inquire about when they are angry with their partner AND
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when they are angry in general or at something else.)

How do you respond to ______ (partner’s) anger? What might you do?
How does your _______ (partner) respond to that (the way you respond to his or her
anger)?
angry and what happened, who said and did what (try to get a play-by-play account of what
happened)?
Part Three: Affection
Interviewer: Let’s now talk about affection and love.
What was your experience with affection and demonstrations of love when you were
growing up; what was affection and expression of love like in your family?
When would you feel affectionate?
What would you do when you were affectionate?
How did your parents respond to you when you were affectionate?
What did your father do when he was affectionate? (How did you know he was feeling
affectionate?)
What did your mother do when she was affectionate? (How did you know she was feeling
affectionate?)
How did your parents respond to each other’s affection and expressions of love?
How were your brothers or sisters affectionate? Did they express affection?
How did your parents let you know they loved you? Can you think of a time when they
let you know they loved you?
What is it like for you to be affectionate and express your love now?
When do you feel affectionate now?
What do you do when you are affectionate?
In general, what are your thoughts and feelings about affection?
What would you look like, what would I see if I saw you affectionate or loving? Could I
tell if you were feeling affectionate or loving?
Who are you affectionate toward, and who is affectionate toward you?
Can you give me a recent example of when you felt affectionate?
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How does your partner respond to your affection?

How do you feel about your partner’s response to your affection?
Interviewer: Let’s talk about your partner’s affection and expressions of

love.
What does your partner do when affectionate or loving?

How does your partner let you know she or he loves you? Can you think of a recent ex-
ample when this happened?
What are your reactions, thoughts, and feelings about ________ (partner’s) affectionate
behavior?
When (s)he is affectionate or expresses love, what does that bring out in you?
How do you respond to ______ (partner’s) affection or expression of love? What might
you do?
How does _______ (partner) respond to that (the way you attend to his or her affection)?
affectionate and what happened; who said and did what (try to get a play-by-play account
of what happened)?
Part Four: Pride
Interviewer: Let’s talk about pride and being proud of something.
What was your experience with pride when growing up? What did your family do when
someone in your family was proud of something or someone?
What was it like when your mother felt proud?
What was it like when your father felt proud?
How did your parents respond to each other when either of them felt proud?
What made you feel proud?
What would you do when you were feeling proud?
Who did you talk to (i.e., immediate or extended family, teachers, clergy persons, friends)
when you were feeling proud?
How did your parents respond to you when you were proud of something?
How did your sisters and brothers respond to you when you were proud of something?
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What was it like when your brothers and sisters were proud of something in their lives?
How did your parents respond to your sisters and brothers when they were proud of
something?
What is it like for you to feel proud of something in your life now?
What would you look like, what would I see if you feeling proud? Could I tell if you were
feeling proud?
Who do you talk to when you are feeling proud (i.e., partner, immediate or extended fam-
ily, teachers, clergy persons or friends)?
Can you give me a recent example of when you felt proud?
In general, what are your thoughts and feelings about pride or being proud?
How does your partner respond to you when you are proud of something?
How do you feel about your partner’s response?
Interviewer: Let’s talk about your partner’s sense of pride.
What about _______ (partner)? Can you tell when (s)he is proud?
What does (s)he do when (s)he is feeling proud?
In general, what are your thoughts and feelings about ________ (partner) when ________
(partner) is proud?
How do you respond to ______ (partner’s) pride? What might you do?
How does _______ (partner) respond to your reaction?
Can you give me a recent example, or vivid example of one time that _____ (partner) was
feeling proud of something and what happened, who said and did what (try to get a play-
by-play account of what happened)?
Can you tell when (s)he’s feeling pride about something you’ve done? What does (s)he
do when (s)he is feeling proud of you?
What are your reactions, thoughts and or feeling about _____ (partner’s) sense of pride in
you?
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Intervention: Dealing with Meta-Emotion Mismatch
The History and Philosophy of Your Emotions
Purpose: Help couples understand and process their personal histories and philosophy
with their basic emotions.
Instructions: Have couple discuss questions together in session or as homework

regarding their history with basic emotion processes. Provide couple with history-with-
basic-emotion-processes questions.
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XX Exercise: The History and Philosophy of Your Emotions
Anger
What is the history of your experience with the emotion of anger? Could you tell if your
parents were angry? What was this experience like for you? Could your parents tell if you
were angry? How did they react to your anger? What was it like in your family growing
up?
Sadness
What is the history of your experience with the emotion of sadness? Could you tell if
your parents were sad? What was this experience like for you? Could your parents tell if
you were sad? How did they react to your sadness? What was it like in your family grow-
ing up?
Fear
What is the history of your experience with the emotion of fear? How did your family
respond when you felt insecure? Could you tell if your parents were afraid? What was
this experience like for you? Could your parents tell if you were afraid or worried? How
did they react to your fears? How do you deal with one another’s worries and fears in this
partnership? What was it like in your family growing up?
Love
What is the history of your experience with the emotion of love? How did you parents
show you that they loved you? Was your family growing up very affectionate? What was
this experience like for you? Could your parents tell if you needed affection? How did
they react to your need for affection and love? How do you show each other that you love
one another in this relationship? What was it like in your family growing up?
Pride
What is the history of your experience with the emotion of pride? How did your parents
show you that they were proud of you? Could you tell if your parents were proud of your
accomplishments? What was this experience like for you? Could your parents tell if you
wanted them to be proud of you? How did they react to your achievements and triumphs?
How does your partner express pride in you? Do you express pride in your partner? What
was it like in your family growing up?
Your Philosophy About Expressing Negative Emotion

What is your philosophy about expressing emotion? What was it like in your family
growing up? Are there differences between you and your spouse in the expression and
experience of emotion? What role do these differences play in your relationship?
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Intervention: Which Relationship Style Do You Prefer?
Instructions: In John Gottman’s book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, there are two
questionnaires on pages 51–56 included in the Self Test: Your Relationship Type. The
questions in this exercise are about these issues. Have your couple read and try to answer
the questions honestly regarding which relationship or relationship style each prefers.
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XX Exercise: Which Relationship Style Do You Prefer?
Instructions: The following questions are about your relationship styles and meta-
emotions. Read them and try to answer honestly.
Conflict-Avoider Style: Generally prefers little disagreement. If there is an issue,

prefers to discuss the issue completely, but not try to influence partner or persuade
partner or to be persuaded by the partner. Feels that the passage of time will often
solve problems. Will drop the topic or just agree to disagree. Generally feels that
anger is a dangerous emotion and believes in protecting the relationship from
anger. Believes it is best not to dwell much on the negative in life, but to roll with
the punches and emphasize the positive. Prefers having traditional roles in the
relationship. Often does things separately.
Volatile Style: Enjoys a good debate and argument. It is fun, and there is a lot of humor
and teasing and affection in a good discussion. Values being direct and honest, even
if this is sometimes painful. Also prefers doing a lot of things separately. Definitely
thinks that the expression of anger and most emotions is healthy and natural in a
relationship.
Validating Style: Values togetherness above all things in the relationship. Prefers
arguing about some things, but not a lot. Values listening before trying to persuade
one another. Places a high value on compromise. Believes in expressing anger, but
is very careful to buffer partner from too much anger.
Anger: How do you feel about anger? Do you think the expression of anger is
healthy and natural, or do you think it is dangerous and something to protect your
relationship from? How did your parents express anger? Could you tell if they were
angry? How did you react to it? How did they react to your anger when you were
little? How has that affected you?
Sadness: How do you feel about sadness? Do you think the expression of sadness is
okay and natural, or do you think it is potentially giving in to depression and a
negative view of life? Do you think it is dangerous and something to protect your
relationship from? How did your parents express their sadness? Could you tell if
they were sad? How did you react to it? How did they react to your sadness when
you were little? How has that affected you?
Fear: What has been your own experience with fear and conquering fears? Do you
have any fears now, and, if so, how do you think it is best to cope with these fears?
Could you tell if your parents were worried or afraid? How did your parents deal
with your fears when you were little? How has that affected you?
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Meta-Emotions: If there is a major discrepancy between the two of you on preferred

style or different attitudes about the expression of anger, sadness, or fear, you might
profit by exploring where each of your attitudes came from in your lives and how these
attitudes affect you.
In Dr. Gottman’s book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, there are two questionnaires
on pages 51–56 you can take to further explore these issues.
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Intervention: The Meanings Interview
Overview
The Meanings Interview: Creating Shared Symbolic Meaning
The Meanings Interview is an interview about rituals, roles, goals, and symbolic mean-
ing. In this interview, we ask each person about the meaning of everyday rituals and the
meaning of the fundamental roles in their families of origin and in their own relationship
and family. This interview explores the meanings and history of rituals such as family
dinner times, reunions at the end of the day, the mornings, play times, weekends, time
with friends, time with family, birthdays, holidays, and religious festivals. The interview
involves not only rituals within the family, but also rituals involving the family and the
larger community, the church, charity, helping others in need, the children’s school,
political parties and events, and so on. The interview explores the meanings and history
of the basic roles of each person: son, daughter, husband, wife, father, mother, worker,
provider, protector, nurturer, mentor, friend, religious and philosophical person. Here we
can also search for common ground and discrepancies between partners, and for discrep-
ancies between their values and what each partner actually gives priority to in their daily
lives.
This is a very important interview for many purposes, including the resolution of grid-
locked conflict. This interview is about the family culture, with a small “c.” Here is the
rationale. Every family is the creation of a new culture, and some also involve the union
of two very different cultures. But even if two people are coming from the same regional,
cultural, ethnic, and religious background, they will have been raised in two very differ-
ent families, and their committing to each other involves the creation of a new culture.
What does a “home” mean for example? It will mean very different things to different
people. The same is true for things like “fun,” “family dinner times,” or “love,” or “ill-
ness,” or being a “provider,” or “being a Johnson (or whatever their names are).” In end-
less array all these are concepts with meaning. And that’s what culture is all about. You
can never understand how people react to things in a committed relationship, and the two
of them will never understand one another, unless meanings are explored. Even the most
trivial conflict in a relationship often has great symbolic meaning.
In this interview, we start by asking the couple about fundamental rituals, roles, and
symbolic meanings in their lives. We may ask them to bring in their photo albums, if they
have them, with photos not only of their own family, but also of their two childhoods
in order to a good idea of what their family is like and what is important to their family.
Ask them to give you a tour of the main characters and events in their life growing up and
in their life together. This interview also gets at concepts that are now placed by some
writers broadly within the realm of “spirituality.”
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The interview has four parts:
1. Goals
2. Symbols
3. Roles
4. Rituals
It involves the exploration of common ground between the partners as well as differences
between them.
1. Goals
What are their life goals and their meanings? What are their hopes and aspirations, as in-
dividuals and together, for their children, for their lives in general, for their old age? What
are their life dreams? Why do they have these goals, and where do they come from in
their lives? Did their parents have similar or different goals? What is their life “mission”;
what do they hope to accomplish in their lives; what is really important to them? Where
is their common ground? What are the differences between them? How satisfied are they
with this area of their lives? To what extent do they feel they are actually accomplishing
important goals in their lives?
2. Symbols
What does a “home” mean? What is the meaning of “peacefulness”? What is the meaning
of “family”? What is the meaning of being married or being in a committed relationship?
What is the meaning of “love” to each of them? What is the meaning of “money”? What
is the meaning of “fun” and “play”? What is the meaning of “trust”? What is the meaning
of “freedom,” of “autonomy,” of “independence,” of “power”? What is the meaning of
being “interdependent,” of being a “we”? What is the meaning of “having possessions,”
of “owning things” (such as cars, nice clothes, books, music, a house, and land)? What
is the meaning of “nature” to them, their relationship to the seasons? What do they remi-
nisce about? What do they look forward to? What does it mean to be a (fill in couple’s
last names), and what is the history of that? For example, for many families, “being a
Johnson” or being a good Christian, or Unitarian, or Quaker, or Ethical Culturist, or Jew,
or Muslim, or Hindu, or Buddhist, or Taoist has enormous implications in terms of mean-
ing in life and one’s relation to others. What if anything, is the meaning of religion and/or
God in their lives? What is the meaning of “our sexual life together,” “safety,” “commit-
ment,” “solidarity,” “charity,” and “community”? What is their common ground? What
discrepancies between them exist in these areas? How satisfied are they with these areas
of their lives?
3. Roles
The interview explores the meanings and history of the everyday basic roles of each
person; man, woman, son daughter, husband, wife, father, mother, provider, protector,
nurturer, educator, mentor, friend, religious and philosophical person, worker. Expand
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this worker role to “scientist,” “physician,” “craftsman,” “lawyer,” “artist,” “musician,”

“actor,” “builder,” “homemaker,” and so on. These identifications with particular occupa-
tions can have enormous importance and meaning to a person. How do they balance work
and a relationship and family? What takes priority? Are they both working all the time?
This is an increasingly greater pattern in the United States and in other countries through-
out the world today. How do they allocate time? Here resides an important part of the
family’s culture and a great source of everyday tension, stress, and conflict. What is their
common ground? What discrepancies between them exist in this area? How satisfied are
they with this area of their lives? How fulfilling are their roles to them currently?
4. Rituals
First we are asking them about everyday rituals in their lives and what they mean. The
interview explores the meanings and history of everyday rituals to each of them, such as
family dinner times, reunions at the end of the day, mornings, fun and play times, dates
and getaways, weekends, time with friends, time with kin, birthdays, holidays, sports
events, movies and TV viewing, religious festivals and holidays, adventure, travel, vaca-
tions, and other things they like doing together (collecting things, garage sales, driving
around, picnics, outings, shopping, singing, making music, arts and crafts, etc.). How
does this family do things like running errands? Do they do errands together on Saturdays
or Sundays, or do they split up? What is this like? What were the rituals like in their pri-
mary families? What is the way this family does these rituals? Ask not only about rituals
within the family, but also rituals involving the family within the larger community, the
church, charity, helping others in need, the children’s school, political parties and politi-
cal events, and so on. How do they move through time together, plan their time and how
do they fill their time? What is their common ground? What discrepancies between them
exist in this area? How satisfied are they with this area of their lives? Explore whether
there are discrepancies between the couple’s spirituality and if there is common ground.
Are there conflicts in this area?
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Intervention: The Meanings Interview Questions
Say the following:
In this interview, I want to get to know you and your family and hear the stories about
your family and both of the families you grew up in. We think that when people commit
to one another they create a new culture, and some also involve the union of two very dif-
ferent cultures. But even if two people come from the same regional, cultural, ethnic, and
religious backgrounds, they will have been raised in two very different families, and their
merging involves the creation of a new culture.
Goals
Around goals, explore whether there are discrepancies between the couple’s goals and if
there is common ground. Are there conflicts in this area?
What would you say your life goals are for yourself? If you were to look back on your
life in very old age, what would you like to be able to say about your life? What accom-
plishments would please you?
What are some of your very personal goals, unrelated to your relationship?
What are your goals for others who are important to you (your children, your spouse, kin,
friends, and your community)? What would you like to see happen for them, and what
role do you think you play in making these things happen?
What are your financial goals? What are financial disaster scenarios you want to avoid?
What are your hopes and aspirations, as individuals and together, for your children, for
your life in general, for your old age?
What are your life dreams? Why do you have these goals, and where do they come from
in your lives?
Did your parents have similar or different goals?
What would you say is your life “mission,” what do you hope to accomplish in your
lives, what is really important to you?
What is your common ground? What discrepancies between the two of you exist in this
area? How satisfied are you with this are of their lives? To what extent do you feel that
you are actually accomplishing important goals in your lives?
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Symbols
Around symbols, explore whether there are discrepancies between the couple’s symbols
and if there is common ground. Are there conflicts in this area?
What does a “home” mean to you? What have you tried to create in your home together?
It will mean very different things to different people.
What does “love” mean to you? How is this manifest in your lives?
What does being a provider mean to you?
What is the meaning of “peacefulness”?
What is the meaning of “family”?
What is the meaning of being married or being in a committed relationship?
What does money mean to you? How is this evident in your life?
What does education mean to you?
What do “fun” and “play” mean to you? What role should they have in a person’s life?
What is the meaning, to you, of “trust”?
To you, what are the meanings of “freedom,” “autonomy,” “independence,” and “power”?
What is the meaning of being “interdependent,” of being a “we”?
What is the meaning of “having possessions,” of “owning things” (such as cars, nice
clothes, books, music, a house, and land)?
What is the meaning of “nature” to you, your relationship to the seasons?
What do you reminisce about?
What does it mean to be a [PERSON’S LAST NAME HERE]? Are there any stories you
can tell me that go along with what it means to be a [PERSON’S LAST NAME HERE]?
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Roles
Around roles, explore whether there are discrepancies between the couple and if there is
common ground. Are there conflicts in this area?
Tell me about your own personal view of what being a partner means to you. How do you
think of yourself in this role? What is important to you? What are you trying to accom-
plish in this role?
What kinds of events go along with being a good partner that would help me understand
how you see this role?
Tell me about the role of your life work or occupation (expand this worker role to the
more specific ones of “scientist,” “physician,” “craftsman,” “carpenter,” “lawyer,” “art-
ist,” “musician,” “actor,” “builder,” “architect,” “mason,” “homemaker,” and so on) and
what it means to you. What is your life mission in your work?
How do you balance work and other roles [mother, father, son, daughter, brother, sister,
friend] with your role as a partner? What limits do you set on each of these roles and
why?
What about other roles you play such as provider, protector, nurturer, educator, mentor,
friend, religious and philosophical person? Are any of these roles important to you? How
do you see yourself?
Rituals
Around ritual, explore whether there are discrepancies between the couple’s rituals and if
there is common ground. Are there conflicts in this area?
Tell me about family dinner time in your home. What does eating together mean to you?
What are family meals like? What were they like growing up for each of you? What
about special meals? Thanksgiving, Christmas, Passover? What do these events mean to
you, if anything? What is the role of food in your family?
Tell me about reunions at the end of each day in your home. What is the reunion like?
What goes on? What is important when you all get together at the end of the day? What
about TV?
Tell me about bedtime in your home.
Tell me about the weekends. What goes on during the weekends?
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Tell me about entertaining in your home, having friends over, parties, and so on. What
typically goes on? What is important to you about these events? What atmosphere are you
trying to create?
What are especially good times for you as a couple and for your family together? Give us
some recent examples. What was important to you about these times?
What are typical things you celebrate? Birthdays? Anniversaries? Family reunions? Any
special holidays (religious or others like Thanksgiving, Valentine’s Day, Hallowe’en,
New Year’s Eve)? How do you celebrate them? Tell me about recent events. What do
these events mean?
What are typical things that happen around someone in the family being sick? What do
these things mean to you?
Tell me about vacations and travel in your life. What are these events like typically [find
out about one] and what do they mean?
Tell me about your rituals that may surround other times such as the mornings, fun and
play times, relationship dates and getaways, weekends, time with friends, time with fam-
ily, birthdays, holidays, sports events, movies and TV viewing, religious festivals and
holidays, adventure, travel, vacations, and other things you like doing together (collecting
things, going to garage sales, driving around, picnics, outings, shopping, singing, making
music, arts and crafts, etc.).
How do you run errands? Do you do errands together on Saturdays or Sundays, or do you
split up? What is this time like?
How do you two get renewed and refreshed when you are burned out and fatigued?
Religion and spiritual growth play a role in some families and not in others. Can you
share with me what your own views are about a spiritual life and how you have created or
tried to create shared meaning in this area of your lives? What does it mean to you to be a
good [FILL IN THE BLANK—QUAKER, CATHOLIC, JEW, CHRISTIAN, MUSLIM,
BUDDHIST, TAOIST, HINDU, ETC.]? What, if anything, is the meaning of religion and/
or God in your lives? What is the meaning of such concepts as “education,” “learning,”
“peace,” “commitment,” “solidarity,” “charity,” and “community”? What is your com-
mon ground? What discrepancies between you exist in these areas? How satisfied are you
with these areas of your lives?
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Intervention: Build Shared Meaning
Instructions: This intervention can be used several times with a couple because there
are many questions for them to reflect upon. Provide each partner with a notebook. Have
them read through the questions in the four sections: family rituals, roles, goals, and sym-
bols. Have each partner choose one question or task and write the response in his or her
notebook privately. Have them then read one another’s notebooks and discuss what they
have read, with your guidance.
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XX Exercise: Build Shared Meaning
Instructions:
Begin by each getting a personal notebook. Review the questions and tasks listed
in the four sections of this exercise: family rituals, roles, goals, and symbols. Chose
one question from those sections you’d like to think about. Then separate, and each
of you write in your notebook your thoughts about the question.

Read one another’s notebook. Then discuss the question and your response
with one another. Discover your areas of common ground, areas that you can
build upon. Discuss your differences as well. Find ways to honor the values,
philosophies, and dreams of both of you.
Although in many areas you can have separate needs, find ways to be supportive
of your partner in these areas. Where you differ fundamentally, find ways of being
respectful, of honoring the differences between you.
Write out, if you’d like, your own family constitution, what you agree on about
meaning and your shared philosophy of life.
Family Rituals
• H
ow do we or should we eat together at dinner? What is the meaning of
dinnertime? How was dinnertime done in each of our families growing up?
• H
ow should we part at the beginning of each day? What was this like in our
families growing up? How should our reunions be?
• H
ow should bedtime be? What was this like in our families growing up? How do
we want this time to be?
• W
hat is the meaning of weekends? What was this like in our families growing up?
What should they be like?
• W
hat are our rituals about vacations? What was this like in our families growing
up? What should these mean?
• C
hoose a meaningful holiday. What is the true meaning of this holiday to us? How
should it be celebrated this year? How was it celebrated in each of our families
growing up?
• How do we each get refreshed and renewed? What is the meaning of these rituals?
• W
hat rituals do we have when someone is sick? What was this like in our families
growing up? How should it be in our family?
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Roles
• H
ow do you feel about your role as a partner? What does this role mean to you in
your life? How did your father or mother view this role? How are you similar and
different? How would you like to change this role?
• H
ow do you feel about your role as a father or mother? What does this role mean
to you in your life? How did your father or mother view this role? How are you
similar and different? How would you like to change this role?
• H
ow do you feel about your role as a son or daughter? What does this role mean
• H
ow do you feel about your role as a worker (your occupation)? What does this
role mean to you in your life? How did your father or mother view this role? How
are you similar and different? How would you like to change this role?
• H
ow do you feel about your role as a friend to others? What does this role mean
• H
ow do you feel about your role in your community? What does this role mean
• How do you balance these roles in your life?
Goals
Write a mission statement of what your mission in life is.

• Write your own obituary. What would you like it to say?
• What goals do you have in life, for yourself, for your spouse, for your children?
• What do you want to accomplish in the next five to ten years?
• What is one of your life dreams that you want to fulfill before you die?
• What legacy do you want to leave after you die?
We often fill our time with things that demand our immediate attention, putting out
the fires, so to speak. But what are the truly important things in your life that are great
sources of energy and pleasure that you really need to block out time for, the important
things that keep getting postponed or crowded out?
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Symbols
• W
ho is our family in the world? What do we value about being ________________
__________________ (supply their last names)?
• W
hat are some stories about your family that go way back in history, stories you
are proud of and want to be a part of the tradition your family continues?
• W
hat does a home mean to you? What qualities must it have for you? What was a
home like in your families growing up?
• W
hat is your philosophy of how to leave a meaningful, good life? How are you
putting this into practice, or failing to?
• W
hat is the role of spirituality in your lives? What was this role in your families
growing up? How should this be in your family?
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Intervention: Mission and Legacy
Instructions: Have the couple complete the Mission and Legacy Exercise.
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XX Exercise: Mission and Legacy
own personality that will help both you and your partner understand you better. In your
own notebook, answer the following questions as candidly as you can. It’s OK to just
write an outline or jot down notes.
Write the mission statement for your own life.
What are your life dreams? What is it that you definitely want to do in your life that
you have not yet fulfilled? What are you trying to accomplish? This can be creating
something or an experience that you want to have.
What is your larger struggle? We are all involved in becoming the person we
most want to be like. In that struggle, we all have our own demons to fight and
overcome. What is the story of the kind of person you would like to be? What have
been your struggles in trying to become that person? What demons in yourself have
you had to fight?
What legacy would you like to leave this world with?
After completing your writing, share your answers with your partner and discuss. How
does your relationship support each of your missions and legacies? How can your part-
ner be better at supporting them?
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Intervention: Triumphs and Strivings
Instructions: Have the couple complete the Triumphs and Strivings Exercise.
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XX Exercise: Triumphs and Strivings
own personality that will help both you and your partner understand you better. In your
own notebook, answer the following questions as candidly as you can.
What has happened in your life that you are proud of?
Write down the story of the psychological triumphs you have had in your life, your
gains, times when things went even better than you expected, periods when you
were better off after coming through trials and tribulations. Include those periods of
stress and duress that you survived and mastered.
These events might have been small events, but they may still have a great
deal of importance to you. They might include your childhood or your adult
life. They may be challenges you have met, even if these were challenges you
created for yourself to meet. They may be periods of power, with glorious
events or fine people, events of closeness and intimacy, great times of
friendship. They may include previous, very positive relationships or positive
moments within them.
How have you coped and gotten through these hard events and periods in your life?
How have you endured? What glories and victories have you experienced? What
were the lasting effects on you of going through these things?
What did you take from these positive events in your life? How have they affected
the way you think of yourself and your capabilities? How have they affected your
goals and the things you strive for? Did these events strengthen you?
What has been your own history with the emotion of pride and with praise? How
did your parents show you that they were proud of you when you were a child?
How have other people responded to your accomplishments in your life?
What role does pride in your accomplishments play in your relationship? What
role do your own strivings have in your relationship? Are your goals and strivings
honored and valued? How so? What do you want your partner to know and
understand about these aspects of your self, your present, your future plans and
goals, and your past?
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12-183
12.1. Interventions for Preventing Relapse
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12-185
Intervention: The Relationship “Poop Detector”
Instructions: The final part of the therapy program involves changing the influence
functions, particularly the negative threshold for changing things when they start going
bad. If the (relationship) “poop detector” is set at a more sensitive level, the couple will
intervene with each other sooner than they did before therapy. A great example to discuss
with clients is the case of the Adams family. The most stressful event the Adams had been
through in the past two and one-half years since we had last seen them in the lab was the
birth of their second child.
One day Brett said that he was lying on the bed and realized that there were now
two people between himself and his partner 2 (literally and figuratively). He became
depressed and felt very distant from the whole family. When Gail suggested that they
need a few things at the local store, he was eager to volunteer to pick stuff up because
it meant a drive by himself away from the family. A few days later, he and Gail and
the two kids were on the couch and he was very quiet. She said, “What’s going on
with you?” He said, “Oh, I’m having a pity party.” This was a very gentle way of
introducing his issue. He told Gail that he was feeling neglected. His issue led Gail
to vent her own feelings. She said that she had no time at all to herself anymore,
with two children needing her constantly, and she was sorry but until she got some
time to herself a little bit, she would be unable to respond to Brett’s needs. I asked,
“What happened then?” Gail said, “Oh, he was great. He just took Elissa to the
mall immediately, and they were gone several hours. He could see how much more
desperate I was than he was, and he did this consistently for over a month. After that
amount of time—it took that long—I had finally gotten some time alone, and I was
ready to turn to him again.” Brett added, “And she did.” After a month, Gail and Brett
began talking about how to be closer with two children instead of one. Brett and Gail
found ways to change their relationship and find time for just the two of them.
Process: Go over with clients, particularly with the males in heterosexual relationships,
how to use the concept of the (relationship) poop detector to gently bring up an issue
with one’s partner. See the Gottman (Relationship) Poop Detector questionnaire. It is
important that emotional distance not be turned into quiet resentments that lead to silent
negative attributions that get rehearsed every day when the two of them are apart. This
can erode the fondness and admiration system very slowly and almost imperceptibly. We
want them to monitor the occurrence of emotional distance and to talk it over alone.
There clearly needs to be some formalized time when the couple can get away from their
kids. This can be done with a babysitting cooperative or with a few couples who are
friends. The date should be considered sacrosanct, not to be broken, even when the cou-
ple is tired. Going out for coffee or a drive and talk in the car is fine, just keep the date.
Therapist Exercise Instructions: Provide this questionnaire to help couples assess, on a
regular basis, how things are going in their relationship and whether they want to gently
bring up an issue that will draw the two of them closer. Ask them to check as many as
they think apply. If they have circled more than four items, ask them to think about talk-
ing things over GENTLY with their partner, within the next three days.
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12-187
XX Exercise: The Relationship “Poop Detector”
Instructions: Use this questionnaire to assess, on a regular basis, how things are going in
your relationship and whether you want to gently bring up an issue that will draw the two
of you closer together. Circle as many of the following items as you think apply. If you
have circled more than four items, think about talking things over GENTLY with your
partner within the next three days.
I have been acting irritable lately.

I have been feeling emotionally distant.
There has been a lot of tension between us.
I find myself wanting to be somewhere else.
I have been feeling lonely.
My partner has seemed emotionally unavailable to me.
I have been angry lately.
We have been out of touch with each other.
My partner has little idea of what I am thinking lately.
We have been under a great deal of stress, and it has taken its toll on us.
I wish we were closer right now.
I have wanted to be alone a lot lately.
My partner has been acting emotionally distant.
My partner’s attention seems to be somewhere else.
I have been emotionally unavailable to my partner.
My partner has been angry lately.
I have little idea of what my partner is thinking lately.
My partner has wanted to be alone a lot lately.
We really need to talk.
We haven’t been communicating very well lately.
We have been fighting more than usual.
Lately, small issues escalate.
We have been hurting one another’s feelings lately.
There hasn’t been very much fun or joy in our lives lately.
My partner seems to have no time or energy for me lately.
I have been feeling sorry for myself lately.
We have had little time or energy for physical affection.
We are not making love very much.
I wish my partner would touch me more often.
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Intervention: Preventing, Assessing, and Managing Relapse
Relapse Questionnaire
Purpose: The Relapse Questionnaire can help couples assess and prevent relapse and
understand how to seek additional intervention if relapse occurs.
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XX Exercise: Relapse Questionnaire
Instructions: I would like to see if you feel that any gains you made in treatment have
relapsed or are in the process of relapsing. Please give your frank evaluation of the fol-
lowing items by circling either “doing fine” or “a problem now” for each item.
1. Communicating regularly Doing Fine A Problem Now

2. Maintaining emotional connection Doing Fine A Problem Now
3. Physical and verbal affection Doing Fine A Problem Now
4. Our sexual relationship Doing Fine A Problem Now
5. Giving appreciations Doing Fine A Problem Now
6. Feeling appreciated Doing Fine A Problem Now
7. Talking about issues Doing Fine A Problem Now
8. Conflict resolution Doing Fine A Problem Now
9. Having regular fun Doing Fine A Problem Now
10. Handling finances Doing Fine A Problem Now
11. Work–family balance Doing Fine A Problem Now
12. Our spiritual connection Doing Fine A Problem Now
13. Respect in the relationship Doing Fine A Problem Now
14. Knowing one another (Love Maps) Doing Fine A Problem Now
15. Flooding Doing Fine A Problem Now
16. Recurring thoughts about divorce Doing Fine A Problem Now
17. Handling children Doing Fine A Problem Now
18. Housework and child care Doing Fine A Problem Now
19. Issues of power and respect Doing Fine A Problem Now
20. Overall relationship quality Doing Fine A Problem Now
21. Issues of commitment Doing Fine A Problem Now
22. Overall lifestyle, values, goals, etc. Doing Fine A Problem Now
23. Being friends Doing Fine A Problem Now
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24. Please give a description of how you see things in your relationship right now:
Check here if you wish to be called for an additional session:
____ Couples session
____ Individual session
Best times to reach you and phone numbers:
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Intervention: Expect Relapse
Follow-up Sessions
Schedule regular follow-up reunion sessions every six months for at least two years. Use
periodic phone call assessments. The Locke-Wallace and the Weiss-Cerretto invento-
ries are adequate for assessing the current status of the relationship. Use the “Relapse
Questionnaire” on page 12-179. If you have concerns after scoring these,
call the couple in for a reunion meeting.
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Intervention: The Magic Five and One-half Hours a Week
Background: Gottman Method recommends that, at a minimum, couples adjust their

schedules for five and one-half hours a week. The couples who continue to make relation-
ship gains seem to be doing a number of things to restructure their week. These tips have
been put together into a hypothesis called the magic five and one-half hours.
Exercise Instructions: Have the couple discuss specifically how they will restructure
their time in the following week.
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XX Exercise : The Magic Five and One-half Hours a Week
We have discussed that the couples who continue to progress in their relationships appear,
as a group, to be restructuring five and one-half hours a week as their time together.
Here is what the amalgam of advice seems to be saying:
Partings: Don’t part in the morning without knowing one interesting thing
that will happen in your partner’s day, and kiss for a minimum of six
seconds. Two minutes a day x five working days. Total 10 minutes.
Reunions: The six-second kiss. The stress-reducing conversation. Each partner
take 10 minutes to talk about your day. Partner does active listening.
Give support. Rule: Understanding must precede advice. Twenty
minutes a day x five days. Total 1 hour 40 minutes.
Admiration and Appreciation: Find some way every day to genuinely
communicate affection and appreciation for your partner. Five
minutes a day x seven days. Total 35 minutes.
Affection: Kiss, hold, grab, touch each other. Play is good. Make sure to kiss
each other before going to sleep, and follow the admonition in
Ephesians, “Do not let the sun set on your wrath.” The six-second
kiss. Five minutes a day x seven days. Total 35 minutes.
Love Maps: Update your Love Maps. Turn towards one another. Go out on a
relationship date. Two hours once a week. Think of great questions
to ask your partner (e.g., “How are you thinking of changing the
bedroom these days?” or “What would be your idea of a great
getaway?” or “How are you thinking about your work these days?”).
These dates can sometimes be about resolving a relationship or
relationship issue.
Aftermath of a Fight: For the first few months after treatment, consider practicing
an aftermath of a fight once a week. We encourage you to use it
with smaller disagreements so that you can get the hang of the six
steps encompassed in the process. Remember that the masters of
relationships rarely use all six steps at the same time. John Gottman
created this process for the purpose of learning all six steps. Do this
process 20 times, and you’ll find yourself incorporating different
aspects of it spontaneously while discussing an area of disagreement
(e.g., listening and validating your partner’s subjective reality or
catching if one of you is flooded or taking responsibility for some
piece of the issue). Thirty minutes once a week.
Our Motto is: Small Things Often.

IT’S THE SMALL POSITIVE THINGS DONE OFTEN
THAT MAKE THE DIFFERENCE.
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13-1
13. Co-Morbidities
13.1. Affairs
Who has affairs? Men 55–65 most likely to ever have
affairs. Women 40–45 correlates with entering the work
force. Those who earn more than $30,000—higher income,
higher status, more travel. Association between relationship
satisfaction and affairs exists on a continuum. Religion is
not a buffer in relatively unhappy marriages. Twenty-five
percent of couples in treatment present with issue of affair,
and 30% more will disclose affair.
PTSD symptoms—intrusion, flashbacks, images,

thought constriction, numbing avoidance, hyper-arousal,
hypervigilance, physical arousal.
Shattered assumptions—cognitive love maps. Who are

you? Thought we had similar assumptions. When totally
unsuspected, the worst trauma. When suspected and finally
confessed, relief that suspicions are validated, more angry
but less catastrophic. If denial first before confession, more
pain.
Fondness and Admiration—Blown out because of betrayal,

disrespect, and contempt for immoral behavior.
Turning towards—broken trust—turning away—avoidance,

numbing, constricted affect, and depression in both parties
but especially the betrayed partner. Turning against—
blaming and defensiveness. Refuse to give anything when
affair has robbed them of innocence, trust, safety, and love.
Accepting influence—broken trust, so very difficult if

not impossible—betrayer must accept influence from the
betrayed.
Resolving conflict—broken trust so very difficult,

exacerbated.
Perpetual issue—trust, sex.
Shared meaning—gone. Tornado has torn up the

relationship and uprooted it from its ground of common
shared beliefs and values.
13-2
Treatment per example
Individual session very important in assessments—

for him—learn about affair partner, his expression
of wishes and needs of marriages, his perception of
what led up to affair, past history relative to acting out
behavior here, does he want a relationship, how much
is he willing to hear wife’s anger and cut off all ties to
affair partner? Outlined what it would take to repair the
relationship (maybe)—disclose details in answering
wife’s questions (open window), cut off all contact
with other (wall), rebuild a different relationship. For
her discuss PTSD symptoms, explain PTSD and how
it fits experience of affair. Family history, willingness
to try to repair the relationship. What it will take from
her—expression of feelings, freedom to ask questions,
rebuild the relationship
Contracting session—in addition to above agreements,

if any further contact with affair partner, he must
disclose it before she asks. Talk about affair only in
therapy. Tolerate wife’s distance until she chooses what
she wants to do. He needs to clarify what he wants. She
needs to express feeling without criticism or contempt.
Look honestly at relationship difficulties that may have
contributed to this crisis. Make changes on both sides.
Love Maps—questions limited to what, where, when

for now to avoid interrogation. She responded with
Four Horsemen—empathize with anger but needs to
express differently. Hurt, pain, rage, distrust.
Fondness and Admiration—why he wanted to stay in

the relationship. What he loved about her, and what
she REMEMBERED loving about him. When her rage
out of control at home and she flooded, have individual
session with her to help de-escalation. Have her write
two letters—one full of the rage, the second, more
anger and hurt. Give him the second.
Turning towards—why the emotional distance there?

How she wanted him to turn towards her. He too guilty
to ask for turning towards. Hadn’t prior to affair either.
Explore internal working model about needs.
When he had to go on trip where affair partner located,
13-3
he’d call her every hour (making excuse to colleagues

that had sick kid). She could call him at night at any
hour she chose.
Her terrible feelings about her body—unattractive.

Shouldn’t do anything relative to him, but rather for
herself. Engage in physical activity with him that’s fun.
Processing conflict—Dream within conflict.
Explore context of affair in terms of how conflict

dealt with—Four Horsemen, emotional distancing
as protection from contempt, rejection. Accepting
influence—relative to his needs as well as hers—
behavior exchange—do special things for each other.
Discuss vulnerabilities
Shared values—common ground in terms of a new

relationship
Termination—fading
13.2. Addiction
Section 13.2. was written by Bob Navarra, Psy.D., M.F.T.,
M.A.C, Certified Gottman Therapist, March 2014
Assessing and Treating Addiction
Sometimes substance misuse problems are evident in the

couple’s initial telephone contact or are voluntarily raised
in the first assessment session when a partner may complain
about the other partner’s use. However, often addiction
remains hidden, so assessment is a crucial task requiring
active inquiry. Similarly, assessing for behavioral or
“process” addictions such as compulsive gambling, sexual
dysregulation, compulsive spending, and pornography
use, should always be included in the initial and ongoing
assessment. Many therapists report feeling uncomfortable
asking about or dealing directly with addiction. Approach
this exploration like any other concern; explore how use
is impacting each partner and the relationship. Be sure
to reassure both partners that you want to know all the
issues each person is most concerned about and let them
know that the couple’s work will not be limited to just one
concern.
13-4
In the new DSM-V “abuse” and “dependency” have been

eliminated and a single diagnosis of “Substance Use
Disorder” (SUD) is measured on a continuum from mild
to severe. In this revised chapter, “Substance-Related
and Addictive Disorders”, there are 11 possible criteria
(symptoms), with two or three symptoms defined as mild,
four or five symptoms moderate, and six or more symptoms
indicating severe. Diagnosis is specified by drug of choice.
For example, a person who met four criteria related to
drinking alcohol would be diagnosed with Alcohol Use
Disorder, Moderate.
Critics of this change see the DSM-V as a major step

backwards in addiction science given the tremendous
advances in research on the neurobiology of addiction
differentiating the vital distinctions between addiction and
abuse. Arguably, conceptualizing the difference between
abuse and addiction as a matter of degree based on the
number of symptoms is problematic given that the brain
of an addicted person responds differently than for abusers
who are not addicted.
It should be noted that it is possible to have substance

dependence, defined as tolerance and withdrawal, without
the behavioral and psychological symptoms of addiction.
For example, individuals on pain medications could
display evidence of physical dependency without the
drug seeking behavior associated with addiction. In those
cases, medication strategies aimed at detoxification and
withdrawal would be the treatment of choice.
The criteria for addiction defined by the American Society

of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) is more consistent with
describing a disease process that extends beyond overt
behaviors, emphasizing what happens in a person’s brain
when exposed to rewarding substances. Addiction is
defined in the context of chemicals and behaviors that turn
on the reward circuitry in the brain, and the role of memory
and motivation in the progression of this disease. The
ASAM definition of addiction views the manifestation of
the addictive disease process as biological, psychological,
social, and spiritual, and defines the disease as impacting
choice. Further, this Biopsychosocial-Spiritual Model
“…is characterized by inability to consistently abstain,
impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished
13-5
recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors

and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional
emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction
often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without
treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is
progressive and can result in disability or premature death.”
(www.asam.org)
Individual Assessment Sessions
In the individual assessment session ask each partner

something like, “Does alcohol, marijuana and/or other
drugs ever factor into any of the difficulties in this
relationship?”, or, “What role do substances, including
alcohol, have in your relationship?” “When are you or your
partner most likely to over drink or over use/do?” Ask for
an average daily/weekly use of what substance and how
much. Ask if there is any history of a DUI or of legal or
medical issues related to substance use. It is especially
important to find out if there is any family history of
addiction.
A very helpful catch-all question to broaden the assessment

beyond drinking would be “Is there any behavior that
might seem compulsive and has created a problem in this
relationship for one or both of you, like: over-spending,
gambling, substance use, sex or using porn, and so on?”
Risk Drinking and Binge Drinking
It is important to know alcohol equivalents and safe

standards for drinking. One standard drink is: 12 oz.
beer, 5 oz. of wine, 1.5 oz. of distilled 80 proof spirits.
The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism
(NIAAA) as well as the Center for Disease Control (CDC)
defines moderate or low-risk drinking for men as no more
than 14 drinks per week and no more than 4 drinks on any
given day. For women, the criteria are no more than seven
drinks per week and no more than three drinks on any
single day. Binge drinking is reaching a blood alcohol level
(BAC) of .08g/dl in about a two hour period. For men this
happens after about five drinks, for women, after about four
drinks.
However, one recent study published in the Journal of

Neurology (January, 2014), followed 5,000 men and 2,000
13-6
women for 10 years and found that men who consumed 2.5
drinks daily had accelerated memory loss by up to 6 years,
even after controlling for diet, exercise, and occupation.
This was not seen in men who do not drink or who drink
moderately. While the research did not find a similar trend
in women, heavier drinking in women showed declines in
organizational ability and planning skills.
CAGE Screening
You can use the CAGE screening assessment by asking

“Have you ever tried to Cut down on your drinking?”
“Have you ever been Annoyed by your partner’s or other’s
concerns about your drinking?” “Have you ever felt Guilty
about your drinking?” “Have you ever had an Eye opener?”
(started the day with using). These questions can be
adapted to address other substances or potential behavioral
addictions. Two positive responses are statistically
significant and further assessment is needed.
Be sure to include the b-MAST or the MAST to your

assessment packet. They are available free online and are
widely used. The b-MAST is included in Chapter 9 of this
manual.
The Drug Abuse screening Test (DAST), similar to the

MAST, is a 28 item self-report scale assessing drug abuse
and addiction other than with alcohol.
Evaluation
In the feedback session, along with reviewing the SRH

levels (Gottman, 1999), if there is evidence of chemical or
behavioral addiction or problems, identify the importance
of addressing the impact of these issues on the relationship
as well as other relationship issues you assessed. You
can make a referral for further evaluation for addiction,
or if you are trained in addictions assessment, ask for
additional individual sessions. There are advantages and
disadvantages to managing the evaluation yourself, usually
related to the strength of the therapeutic alliance and to
therapeutic goals and strategies based on each unique
couple presentation. Maintaining focus on substance-related
issues in the context of relationship difficulties is a core
13-7
concept. At some point, think about discussing possible

supports for both individuals, i.e., AA, Al-Anon, and/or
individual therapy with addiction treatment specialists.
1. Research indicates that couple sessions are more

effective in moving alcoholics into treatment than
individual sessions are.
2. Discuss treatment goals in the context of the Sound
Relationship House model, additionally expressing the
importance and potential relevance of substances as
significantly impacting the relationship.
3. Therapeutic goals will likely focus on: managing
conflict and reducing the occurrence of the four
horsemen, especially when partners talk about the
substance use; confronting denial; providing a strong
psychoeducational approach on addiction/recovery
(encourage reading, 12-step programs, support groups,
community lectures, handouts, etc.); and helping to
establish recovery programs for both partners.
Active Addiction
The couple system is typically characterized by denial and

minimization of the addiction and its impact on each person
and on the relationship. Couples often emphasize other
issues and do not see the connection between addiction and
relationship problems. While not all relationship problems
are necessarily related to addiction, it is impossible to
accurately assess or effectively treat relationships when
addiction is not accounted for.
Sound Relationship House - Common Dynamics
1. Love Maps-The alcoholic has a hidden or double life,

the coalcoholic stops sharing; partners are emotionally
and physically unavailable. Both live in worlds largely
hidden from the partner.
2. Fondness and admiration-The alcoholic’s primary
relationship is with alcohol, representing both a love
and a hate relationship. Little fondness between
partners or confused and ambivalent feelings, even
during periods of abstinence.
3. Bids & Turning Towards-The active alcoholic’s bids
are with alcohol, taking priority as the organizer for the
13-8
alcoholic’s life; alcohol is experienced by the alcoholic

as turning toward initially, but inevitably alcohol turns
against as the addiction progresses. The coalcoholic
eventually learns that alcohol is the partner’s primary
relationship and may attempt to make bids through
drinking together and/or eventually stop making bids.
The coalcoholic may express feelings consistent with
partners dealing with infidelity and betrayal: anger,
hypervigilance, mistrust, etc. It is like the partner is
having an affair with alcohol.
4. Negative Perspective-In active addiction the
relationship often characterized by unpredictability,
anger, chaos, and confused and undifferentiated
boundaries. Sometimes the friendship system may still
be intact, even with active addiction. If this is the case,
the alcoholic will likely be experiencing guilt/shame,
the partner experiencing grief, fear, confusion.
5. Conflict System-Addiction will be experienced as a
gridlocked perpetual problem, resulting in the alcoholic
partner either attacking or withdrawing when the
partner raises the issue. The message is, “We can’t
talk about this.” There is contradictory data on the
relationship between alcohol and male violence with
female partners. While alcohol is associated with
violence, aggressive traits in men (before drinking)
have a stronger predictive value than problem drinking
in marital aggression (Galvani, 2004).
6. Meaning System-In active addiction it is difficult
for partners to support each other or find meaningful
ways to connect. Addiction is often highly ritualized
around use and anticipation of use. Alcoholics and
people with other dependencies report spending much
time and energy around planning, using, and covering
up their alcoholism. The coalcoholic develops rituals
around adaptation and compensation to the alcoholic’s
unavailability around maintaining the household,
parenting and other areas of impaired functioning
around responsibilities. The relationship very often
is experienced as in the “Loneliness and Isolation
Cascade” - parallel lives and emotional disconnection.
Alcoholic legacies and rituals around drinking are well
known to children of alcoholics, where the primary conduit
for connection so often is around drinking. This legacy is
13-9
reenacted in drinking and ways to connect with partner

apart from drinking may feel foreign. Drinking means
belonging, not drinking, or worse yet to be in recovery, is
perceived in the active alcoholic family system as rejection.
Establishing new rituals of connection in sobriety and
recovery presents as a unique and unfamiliar experience for
those newly sober. Normalize and reassure that new rituals
for connection will be explored and integrated in family/
couple life.
Recovery from Addiction: Implications for the

SRH
A new journey begins when the alcoholic enters recovery.

There are dramatic shifts and developmental changes in
the individual and in couple system. Couples with well-
established long-term recovery often report that the first
year of recovery was full of upheaval and difficulties.
Initial relief that the drinking has stopped is replaced with
uncertainty, fear, and a feeling of instability – everything is
different. Recovery now replaces alcohol as the organizer
for family and couple life. Alternately, if the partner
abstains from using, but does so without recovery programs
like AA and Al-Anon, the couple system essentially does
not change at all (see couple typology below). This so-
called “white knuckle sobriety”, or “dry drunk”, dynamic
leaves fundamental couple processes the same, albeit,
without alcohol.
Systemic Approach
A new concept for treating addiction is a relational

approach that addresses three concurrent recoveries: the
alcoholic’s recovery, the partner’s recovery, and the couple
recovery (Navarra, 2007). Navarra’s research on long-term
couple recovery from addiction found three distinct but
interactive components related to successful transition from
early recovery to long-term recovery: “Shifting Identity”-
an emphasis moving from an individual focus to that of a
couple focus or identity; “Intergenerational Reworking”-
an increased awareness and ability to work with family
of origin dynamics affecting the couple relationship, and
“Attending”- the ability to develop an interdependent
relationship by responding to the partner’s needs, while at
the same time not sacrificing individual needs or individual
13-10
recovery. These elements have corresponding levels within

the Gottman Method theory (Navarra, R. J., & Gottman, J.
M., 2011).
Emphasizing the importance of all three recoveries, not

just the alcoholic’s recovery, provides a holistic view
of addiction treatment and considers much more than
interventions aimed at helping the alcoholic not drink.
Focusing on both the substance issues and on the relational
issues ideally supports both individual’s recoveries
and offers couples support in navigating through the
challenging developmental issues in the relationship as
the couple system moves from addiction to recovery.
Unfortunately, treatment centers typically focus only on the
addiction, and basically ignore or minimize the traumatic
experience of addiction and of recovery on the rest of the
family. Separation and divorce rates are four times higher
than in the general population for couples with alcoholism
or problem drinking (Clark-Stewart & Brentano, 2006).
Untreated recovering couples are at great risk, despite
recovery. They will need a lot of support managing
emotions, the changes in the relationship, and with the
uncertainty of how to incorporate recovery in both their
individual lives and in the couple relationship.
Couple Typology
Couple Typology (Lewis & Allen-Byrd, 2001) is useful in

understanding couple dynamics relative to 1st order change
– changing behavior by not drinking or drinking less, and
2nd order change – changing behavior in the context of
new learning, new principles, seeing things differently
at the meta level, essentially, restructuring the system
(Watzlawick, Weakland, & Fisch,1974).
1. Type 1 Couples (Full Recovery)-Both partners are in

a recovery program for addiction or coaddiction, e.g.,
12-step programs and/or recovery oriented groups
or therapy specifically addressing recovery issues,
representing 2nd order change at the individual and
system level. This type presents the most hope for a
successful outcome; both partners are working on their
own issues. With the exception of Recovering Couples
Anonymous (RCA) traditional treatment practice
emphasizes individual recovery, rarely has there been
help for couples to bridge and integrate recoveries.
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Couples work is often viewed as contraindicated,

especially in early recovery. Arguably, forming a
“recovering couple identity” is an ongoing, evolving
major developmental task the therapist can address
within the context of the SRH, even in early recovery.
Therapeutic tasks: Explore ways partners can support
each other’s individual recovery while maintaining
appropriate boundaries and roles; help bridge the
individual recoveries with the concept of a couple
recovery, exploring the impact of the relationship on
recovery, and the impact of recovery on the relationship
normalizing difficulties and challenges in this transition.
2. Type 2 Couple (Mixed Recovery)-Only one of the
partners is in recovery (2nd order change) while the
other partner has not yet addressed their own recovery
issues of addiction or coaddiction (1st order change at
the system level). Relationship problems often have
themes related to the non-recovering partner resenting
the intrusion of recovery on family life. Emphasis
may be on blaming the recovering partner (negative
perspective), and the recovering partner will often
express exasperation at trying to juggle two worlds:
recovery and family relationships. Therapeutic tasks:
A psychoeducational approach emphasizing addiction
recovery as a family disease helps partners understand
that couple recovery simply means that each partner
addresses the impact of addiction on them personally
as well as on the relationship. Often times partners fear
enmeshment with the alcoholic and may see couple
recovery as “getting back into it”. Normalize anger and
reassure that couple recovery does not mean giving
up individual identity, in fact, couple recovery helps
establish boundaries and ways to deal with the baggage
of addiction.
3. Type 3 Couples (Abstinence Only)-Neither partner
is in recovery, but the alcoholic has stopped drinking
(1st order change at the individual and system level)
Abstinence versus recovery is often referred to as “dry
drunk” or “white knuckle sobriety”. Couple dynamics
remain the same as prior to abstinence. Denial still
dominates the couple system and efforts by the therapist
to talk about the addiction are typically met with
resistance and defensiveness. This couple system has
the feeling of ticking time bomb that could go off at any
13-12
time. Alcohol remains the “elephant in the living room”

that can’t be acknowledged or talked about. Therapeutic
tasks: Psychoeducational approach differentiating
abstinence from recovery, breaking denial, and
supporting efforts to engage in individual recovery.
Sound Relationship House – Common Dynamics

in Type 1 Couples
1. Love Maps-Partners continue to have poor love maps.

Standard recovery treatment approaches with couples
typically encourages addicts and their partners not to
talk with each other about recovery, keeping recoveries
separate, and encouraging partners to “work their own
program”. Instead, help couples establish a “Recovery
Love Map”, structured to inform and educate partner
about general recovery status. Work on a plan to help
couples acknowledge the reality of recovery to each
other without it crossing into unhealthy boundaries
or attempts to control, otherwise, recovery replaces
alcohol as the “new elephant in the living room” -
everyone knows it’s there, but it isn’t acknowledged or
talked about at all.
2. Fondness and Admiration-New relationships develop in
recovery support systems like AA and Al-Anon, often
leaving partners feeling left out. Normalize this feeling
and encourage continued attendance in groups as a
priority for continued recovery. At the same time help
couples begin to work toward increased fondness with
each other without sacrificing the support from external
sources that is so crucial for continued successful
recovery.
3. Bids and Turning Toward-Help establish new rituals
for connection. Be aware that trust is difficult to
establish until well into recovery. Fear of relapse and
setbacks, as well as resentments and past trauma and
years of addiction history in the relationship may lead
to tentativeness and emotional disengagement. Couple
development becomes arrested with the onset of
addiction; help couples to begin learn how to approach
each other in safe non demanding ways.
4. Positive Perspective-The shift from individual emphasis
in recovery to now include couple recovery and couple
identity is a major transition, especially for couples
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who have well established recoveries. Focusing on the

relationship and making the relationship a priority may
be appropriate developmentally in ongoing recovery
(at least 2-3 years of recovery), and less so in early
recovery, where much time and effort still needs to
be on individual recovery. Relationship issues are
addressed, but in service of supporting individual
recoveries and maintaining family and couple life
stability. While working on intimacy in ongoing
recovery might be appropriate, in early recovery
therapeutic goals tend to be more basic and involve
helping couples adjust to the myriad of changes taking
place in the family and in the couple system.
5. Conflict System-Explore internal working models for
managing and expressing emotions, especially anger
and grief. Alcoholics are likely to have a positive
history of alcoholism in their family of origin and
implicit and explicit rules in the family to deny,
minimize, or otherwise not deal with difficult and
painful emotions are common in active addiction family
systems. Conflict in the family of origin may have
been experienced as either out of control, violent, and
frightening, or conversely, conflict might have been
avoided and denied. Participants well established and
familiar with 12-step programs often respond well to
Gottman Method interventions, viewing the structure as
another part of their recovery “tool chest” and are open
to accepting influence and willing to begin to approach
feelings and conflicts openly and honestly.
6. Meaning System-Recovering alcoholics because of
guilt, shame, and distorted internal working models,
often feel that they don’t deserve support from their
partner to work toward their dreams. Coalcoholics tend
to focus on other’s needs and/or may have simply given
up on ever having their own needs met. Normalize
this difficulty and help both partners to begin to share
their dreams with each other and how they want to be
supported in their dreams. Programs like AA and Al-
Anon are highly ritualized and provide an important
environment for consistency, spirituality (for some),
predictability, meaning, and connection with others.
One study identifies rituals of connection decreasing the

likelihood of transmission of alcoholism in the family.
13-14
Advances in research on the biological basis for addiction

show the need for an inclusive multi-leveled understanding
of addiction, integrating and accounting for biological;
psychological; and relational and social perspectives. Not
surprisingly, family support and stability has been linked
in one longitudinal study to continued successful long-
term recovery. In other words, helping recovering couples
establish their own recoveries, eventually working toward
developing meaningful relationships with each other by
working towards mutually supported goals as parents,
and partners, and creating dreams together establishes
new legacies, and breaks the cycle of the alcoholic legacy
so often rooted in one or both of their family histories.
Emphasize that non-recovered families often seem to reject
the recovering family member, who now feels like an
outsider. Monitor carefully extended family relationships
and help couples establish boundaries if needed.
Ongoing Recovery
Couple therapists working with an alcoholic couple/

family system know that disruptions in relational and
family functioning go hand-in-hand with active addiction.
However, therapists may be surprised to learn that the
aftereffects of years of alcoholism may lead to pervasive
relationship problems still evident years after the
couple begins recovery, and furthermore, a long-term,
developmental perspective of recovery normalizes what
previously may have been conceptualized as pathologic
(Brown & Lewis, 1999; Lewis, Allen-Byrd, 2001; Navarra,
2002).
The reality of recovery for many couples does not

necessarily equate with achieving a deeper, more intimate
relationship. Paradoxically, many couples report continued
or even worsened difficulties in their relationship after
starting recovery. One individual described the first two
years of recovery. “And then, it got really bad and I’d
say from 9 months until 2 years of the recovery was most
intense, when we almost split. Things were really, really
tough at that time, but that was a turning point.”
Recovering couples seeking couple therapy usually do

not identify “adjustment to recovery” as the identifying
problem. Couples with continuous sobriety and recovery
processes in place for 5, 10, or 15 years, may assume
13-15
difficulties associated with alcoholism have long since

receded into the background, consequently, discussions
about the impact of alcohol addiction and alcohol recovery
may not seem particularly relevant to current concerns.
Clinicians treating couples with one or both partners in
long-term recovery from alcoholism may approach the
couple treatment process without special consideration
to the impact of recovery on the couple relationship.
Recent research on long-term recovery processes indicates
that recovering couples have unique needs specific to
developmental issues associated with addiction and
recovery processes (Navarra, 2003).
General Treatment Philosophy
Currently the prevalent model in addiction treatment limits

the attention and focus on the alcoholic and on ways to
help the alcoholic stop drinking. This is short-sighted
to the degree that the couple relationship is overlooked.
Behavioral Couples Therapy (BCT) has been the only
significant exception to the treatment modalities that have
ignored the couples component in recovery treatment.
O’Farrell and Fals-Stewart designed a program of 12-20
weekly sessions with highly structured agendas for each
meeting. Interventions include: establishing a Recovery
Contract, daily “trust discussions”, communication skills,
strategies to increase positive activities, and developing
plans for continuing recovery. Emphasis is on supportive
efforts to reinforce sobriety, including teaching couples
communication techniques (O’Farrell & Fals-Stewart,
2006). This approach focuses on efforts by both partners
to support sobriety. The addict is the proverbial “identified
patient”, the partner’s recovery and the relationship are
not addressed as a part of the bigger picture except to the
degree efforts are made to reduce stress, thereby lessening
the likelihood of relapse.
Comprehensive addiction treatment accounts for each

person’s recovery and for the developmental tasks and
stages of couple recovery associated with dramatic changes
in moving from addiction to continued long-term recovery.
Generally speaking, therapeutic goals with couples in long-
term recovery are often aimed at helping the couple foster
intimacy and closeness, transitioning from the emphasis
on individual recovery to shifting toward a stronger
13-16
couple identity. In early recovery, emphasis is more basic

and oriented toward helping couples establish their own
recoveries, and adjusting to the dramatic changes in their
relationship.
Normalizing relationship struggles in recovery and

acknowledging that recovery brings a new set of issues
to deal with is a helpful intervention. Expectations that
sobriety and recovery will fix the relationship need to
be redirected and put in the context of the relationship
now viewed as at the beginning of a new stage requiring
ongoing effort and adaptation.
The appropriate selection and adaptation of Gottman

Method interventions can be used with Type 1, Type
2, and Type 3 Couples. With Type 2 & 3 couples, help
facilitate moving the couple toward the Type 1 profile if
at all possible. Type 1 Couples will likely need attention
on managing emotions, closeness, intimacy, and forming
a stronger couple identity, the “We-ness” in the context of
individual growth and recovery.
References
Brown, S., & Lewis, V. (1999). The alcoholic family in

recovery; A developmental model. New York: Guilford.
Clark-Stewart, A., & Brentano, C. (2006). Divorce: Causes

and consequences. New Haven: Yale Press
Galvani, S. (2004). Responsible disinhibition: Alcohol,

men, and violence to women. Addiction Research and
Theory, 12(4) 357-371.
Gottman, J. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically

based marital therapy. New York: W.W. Norton.
Lewis, V. & Allen-Byrd, L. (2001). The alcoholic family

recovery typology: A new theoretical model. Alcoholism
Treatment Quarterly,19(3),1-17)
Navarra, R. (2002). Couples in recovery from alcoholism:

Long-term and developmental processes. Dissertation
Abstracts International (UMI Number 3042888).
13-17
Navarra, R. (2003). Treating couples in recovery from

alcoholism. AAMFT-CA Division News, Summer, 2003
Navarra, R. J. (2007). Family response to adults and

alcohol. In J.L. Fischer, M. Mulsow, and A. W. Korinek
(Eds.) Familial responses to alcohol problems (pp. 85-104).
Binghamton: Haworth Press, Inc.
Navarra, R. J. & Gottman, J. M. (2011). Gottman method

couple therapy: From Theory to practice. In D. K. Carson,
and M. Casado-Kehoe (Eds.) Case studies in couples
therapy: Theory-based approaches (331-343). New York:
Routledge.
O’Farrell, T. J., & Fals-Stewart, W. (2006). Behavioral

couples therapy for alcoholism and drug abuse. New York:
Guilford Press.
Pokorny, A.D., Miller, B.A., Kaplan, H.B. (1972). The Brief

MAST: A shortened version of the Michigan Alcoholism
Screening Test. American Journal of Psychiatry 129(3):
342-345.
Selzer, M.L. (1971) The Michigan Alcoholism Screening

Test: The quest for a new diagnostic instrument. American
Journal of Psychiatry 27(12):1653-1658.
Watzlawick, P.,Weakland, J. H.& Fisch, R. (1974). Change:

Principles of problem formation and problem resolution.
New York: Norton.
13.3. Alcoholism and Drug Addiction

Therapists often want to tell partners to leave addicted
spouse. Empathize with partner’s helplessness and hurt.
First, help spouse and children realize they are not respon-
sible for addict’s drinking or sobriety. Refer to Al-Anon
or other self-help groups, along with individual therapy.
Partner learns to refrain from trying to actively control
drinking behavior.
Assess alcoholic to see how ready they are to enter

treatment versus denial. Assess drinking history, frequency
and quantity plus situations, impaired control over drinking,
increased tolerance, withdrawal symptoms, biomedical
13-18
condition, psychosocial conditions, goals for drinking,

relationship stability, relationship violence, alcohol-related
crises, and relationship.
If violence, use Shapiro (’84) method—couple agrees to

contract whereby they agree to not hit or threaten to hit
each other, and if they do, one goes to a designated place
for 48–72 hours. Important to also educate regarding
flooding and shorter time out agreement if conflicts begin
to escalate.
If partner overtly critical of spouse, stop, then coach to

discuss partner’s need to protect the couple from the effects
of alcohol.
O’Farrell advises to structure couple’s therapy in terms of

alcoholic’s recovery process. Each day, drinker initiates
discussion about desire to not drink that day. Asks if the
spouse has any questions or fears about possible drinking
that day. Drinker answers questions and attempts to
reassure spouse. End with positive statement. No other
discussion of drinking that day. May add Antabuse to
promote abstinence. Then work on relationship skills.
McCrady worked on decreasing spouse behaviors that

trigger or enable abusive drinking of abuser. Find mutually
agreeable alternative behaviors. If relapse, see couple
ASAP and use as learning experience.
Typical relationship problems—spouses resentful about

partners’ past abusive behavior and fear and distrust about
future drinking. Drinker experiences guilt and desire
for recognition of current improved drinking behavior.
Leads to tension and unhappiness. Also may be bills, legal
charges, embarrassing incidents still needing to be resolved.
O’Farrell suggest notice daily caring behaviors in the

relationship. Plan shared recreational and leisure activities.
Train in conflict management, and create behavior change
agreements. Outcome studies of both O’Farrell and
McCrady’s work suggest positive results of their conjoint
treatment, especially when individual treatment added,
along with group treatment for each partner separately.
13-19
Case Study
He was chef, she was unemployed. He worked

evenings, at which times she drank. He suspected, but
hidden well. He nagged her about piling up of bills,
clutter, dirt. Eventually discovered her drinking as it
escalated. Very frightened and angry. He brought her in
for treatment at alcohol treatment center. She relapsed
twice. Decided to try couple’s work.
In assessment—dealt with alcohol as third party,

parallel to an affair except that drinker had little
control over alcohol’s influence. He felt betrayed, hurt
anger at the secrecy, trust destroyed, hypervigilant,
overcontrolling. She felt, when sober, guilty, ashamed,
defensive, exposed, scared at her lack of control over
alcohol, critical of him, and blaming regarding her
drinking
SRH—again, all levels blown out. No trust, no

love maps, still some fondness and admiration,
lots of turning away or against, conflict resolution
by dictatorship (his) or passive aggression (hers).
Gridlocked on many areas, and shared meaning
meaningless without trust.
First step, define drinking as wall between them through

which neither of them can get their needs met. Have
individual sessions, several with her where decision
to try sobriety versus continual drinking discussed,
including physical ramifications, emotional, and
spiritual ones as well. She wanted children. Criminal
to get pregnant if still drinking—tantamount to child
abuse including brain damage. Given choice, she chose
in-patient treatment for four weeks. Went through it,
then returned to daily AA, with him attending Al-Anon
twice a week. Started couples treatment.
Started with fondness and admiration system and each

of their commitments to the relationship. Went over
oral history interview (looks different when done under
nontoxic conditions) in more depth, sharing family of
origin stories, romance development, transitions in the
relationship, and her beginning to drink.
Began to open up the story of her drinking, like opening
13-20
up affair info—taking down wall and creating window

instead. She told story of how drinking started and
increased, hiding behavior, feelings before and after
drinking episodes. Identified triggers not in terms of
blaming him but in terms of her feelings when incident
between them occurred.
Took each trigger in turn, discussing connection to

enduring vulnerabilities, and alternatives of handling
them within relationship.
For example, he’d come home and complain about

mess in house. Then get very critical of her and start
obsessively cleaning, which would shame her, anger
her, and trigger her to seek revenge. Reminded her
of way father used to shame her in front of friends as
being too fat. She’d hide, then eat in the closet (literally,
too). Alcohol had taken place of food. Alternative
discussed—to divide up household chores, contract
to do them by set day each week, and if contract
kept, would treat each other to massage. If not kept,
no punishment but feelings discussed. Dream within
conflict used as well to discuss meaning of clean and
neat house for him (germs learned about in cooking
school), threat of food poisoning, etc. For her, being
controlled by him reflective of authoritarian father who
commanded and punished with contemptuous remarks.
He insisted that drinking a matter of her will power

Education provided regarding disease-model, physio-
logical brain changes, linkage to depression (especially
in her case, with genetic history of mother and grand-
mother with depression). Pull yourself up by bootstrap
meta-emotion model revealed in his family, especially
with four older brothers.
Love Maps discussed further—his world at work, her

wishes and aspirations, hatred of the job she’d quit
earlier, encouragement she’d received to drink with her
boss there over long lunches.
Turning-towards behaviors examined extensively.

He didn’t mind doing cooking, but wanted her to
help (she felt intimidated). She decided to bring him
coffee in bed, which he loved. He agreed to help her
catch up with bills. Then smaller ones addressed using
13-21
opportunity cards of love map deck, then going back

to courtship behaviors and re-instituting some of these,
e.g., initiating bike rides.
Conflict styles—gridlocked conflict plus social skills

taught. Softened startup very hard for him—gave him
relationship audiocassette tapes to use in practicing. She
had also started on antidepressants, so affect began to
change.
She relapsed—immediately revealed to him. Had

emergency session with them—she achieving too much
success (had also found new job, one with challenges
and more responsibilities). Discussed needs to be
taken care of regarding internal working model—only
cared for when injured or sick in family of origin. How
to ask for needs to be met by husband? Didn’t want
to be demanding. Needs normalized, and he offered
reassurance, wanted to be there for her but couldn’t
with wall of toxicity between them. She recommitted to
sobriety.
More behavior exchange work regarding needs with
interviewing each other to clarify needs.
Several more months of treatment to establish social

skills during conflict, turning towards clear expressions
of needs and responses, repair checklist work and
establishing teamwork routines regarding household
car and individual self care. Faded and terminated after
one-year treatment. At follow-up one year later, still
doing very well.
13.4. Treatment of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

(PTSD)
Trust is minimal on every level:
Cognitive Love Maps—psychic numbing cuts off

person from their own emotions and self-awareness.
If sexual, PTSD causes chameleon effect – becoming
what other expects, but symptoms break through.
Fondness and Admiration—Vilification of the partner—

confusing to both—Criticism becomes unconscious
defense to create distance. Can’t take in any fondness
13-22
an admiration—feels like seduction.

Turning Towards versus Away versus Against—Split-
off, turning away or against in more acute cases.
Or hypervigilant, perceives any turning towards as
dangerous—Partner feels shut out and rejected.
Accepting Influence—may become hyper-controlling or
the opposite, like a doormat, to maintain distance.
Resolving Conflict—softened startup is nonexistent,
either edicts or no request whatsoever; repairs often
done well to modulate partner’s anger; physiological
soothing—flooding always present, overly compliant,
frozen, robotic. Might provoke fight to break
anticipatory tension. Flooding includes profound
attacks of despair and hopelessness, especially after
sex. Triggers need to be identified and circumvented.
Compromise—often too early before both positions are
fully explored with PTSD partner giving up too much
or commanding too much.
Gridlocked Conflict—sex, usually there is none or if
there is, PTSD partner nonactive. Usually can’t talk
without flooding. Depression—employment dilemmas.
Planning a future—none. Socializing—none. Fear
permeates almost all gridlocks, rather than wishes.
Shared Meanings—very little because need cognitive
mapping to create these. Can’t trust enough to share on
deeper level. Usually not living with sense of purpose.
Treatment involves work on every level of The Sound
Relationship House. Exemplified by case presentation.
Cognitive maps—had to explore both their needs
through examining internal working models—past
histories, then working through anger that led to
entitlement to have needs. Interviewed each other
regarding social time, domestic time, vacations, time
with parents, etc.
Fondness and admiration—adjective check list with
working through of danger experienced with positive
comments. Deep breathing needed for self-soothing.
Turning towards—emotional disengagement or flooding—
behavior exchange used but kept very minimal with
maximum distance, e.g., cards or TV together. Stress-
13-23
reducing conversations—confronted PTSD partner’s

criticisms as helpful.
Accepting influence—balance out his needs with hers—
control as means of avoiding danger.
Conflict Resolution—softened startup taught; lots of
work on physiological flooding and soothing—how to
express and hear about sexual frustration of non-PTSD
partner.
Gridlocked conflict—Sex. Desensitization with
enduring vulnerabilities discussed, triggers avoided,
PTSD partner having control.
Shared Meaning—Finally felt safety needed to clarify
these individually and define system together.
13.5. Violence
How should violence be assessed? When there’s
violence, is therapist potentially doing harm by
engaging in couples therapy? Or by not doing couples
therapy? Polarized controversy.
Distinguish between violence and battery. Battery is
a form of abuse where primary aggressor employs
violence ranging from pushing to relationship rape
to homicide to enhance the aggressor’s control over
partner—instills fear and intimidation.
In intake, include CTS, individual interview, also EAQ

as battery often preceded by psychological aggression
or emotional abuse, e.g., insults, public degradation
or humiliation, social isolation, sexual coercion, and
property damage (including harm or threat to pets)
Past treatment models like Duluth model have no

impact on recidivism over five years. No focus
on emotion, rather feminist cognitions. Cognitive
behavioral groups also don’t work. Couples therapy
might implicitly implicate the wife for perpetuation of
violence—wife’s behavior has no effect on outcome or
process of argument. Fifty percent of couples seeking
therapy experience violence (often undetected).
Couples therapy may be appropriate where woman still

has some agency and power within relationship, man
13-24
shows capacity to take responsibility for violence, both

partners wish to stay in relationship, where physical
aggression hasn’t developed into battering dynamic as
means of control, and where there have been no injuries
and woman is not afraid of her partner.
Prejudice can influence research in rate of violence in

ethnic minority groups—one study found 400 percent
more violence in African–American marriages than
white marriages, but when data re-examined to assess
for SES and controlled for income, black men were less
likely to have been violent towards wives than white
men across almost all income levels, and a lower rate of
violence towards black women. Differences in response
attributable to differences in SES level.
Partner-to-Partner violence three times higher among

binge drinkers than men who are sober—those who
engage in alcohol treatment and maintain sobriety more
successful in refraining from violence.
Stosny’s Compassion workshop shows some progress—

anger used to avoid shame, rejection, powerlessness,
or feeling unlovable. Once understood, helpful in
developing alternatives to violence.
Denial of physical abuse, avoidance of responsibility

for abuse, blaming partner, or minimizing violence all
contraindications for relationship therapy.
Guerney’s Relationship enhancement shows promise—

uses role plays to improve expressive skills, empathy,
communication exercises and management of emotion.
Difference between pit bulls and cobras.
Pit bull—fear of abandonment, highly suspicious or

jealous, socially isolates wife, limits her mobility,
generally violent only within relationship. Doesn’t use
knife or gun to intimidate. Domineering rather than
belligerent. Condescending and lecturing. Gradually
builds anger, belligerence and contempt. Leads with
forehead often. Physiology is slow increase with
anger—when they strike, physiology high.
Cobra—violent in many relationships outside the
13-25
relationship. Likely to use knife or gun to threaten.

High on anti-social scale. Begin immediately with high
belligerence, provocative, very threatening—though
they don’t look calm, are physiologically slower and
calm when striking. Enjoy watching fear build, very
manipulative, good at seduction and courtship, good at
totally surprising victims.
SRH effects (with violence, not battery)
Friendship system damaged—love maps closed down—

victim doesn’t trust, shuts down info, especially about
feelings. Fondness and admiration may still be present
but compartmentalized. Turning towards—hesitant,
cyclical, honeymoon-like, then withdrawn.
Conflict Profile—explosive, softened startup may

not work. Repairs fail because negative sentiment
override is so high. Male doesn’t accept influence. No
compromises.
Meanings Profile—withdrawn and shut down. May

have common goals, but not discussed.
Treatment—per example
Goals: Improve conflict processing—decrease Four

Horsemen, eliminate violence, increase softened
start-up, increase friendship, deepen meaning system,
evaluate for depression, including evaluation for
medications, and/or individual treatment for husband.
Work on dreams within conflict—use pulse monitor,

relaxation skills, softened start-up, and repair checklist.
Education on flooding, vagal tone, genetics, with

discussion of medication.
Finally agreed to meds, then went off them—confront with

addition of individual therapy (once trust built). Check
carefully with wife if seeing him as well as seeing couple.
Confront regarding meds for rage control.
Internal working models—lots of work for both, in

couples and for him, in individual treatment. Look at
macho and sexuality values for him, versus vulnerable
emotions and weakness. Everything expressed as anger.
13-26
When he contacted prostitute, another betrayal. Worked

towards repair with letters of apology and changing
behavior.
Work on friendship system—update love maps, express

appreciations, stress reducing conversations, turn
towards by helping in practical ways.
Confront occasional grandiosity and denial of his.

Then address how he can ask for his needs to be met—
empower him to ask for them and educate regarding the
power in accepting her influence.
14-1
14. Therapist Disclosure Statement and Additional

Gottman Forms
14.1. Therapist Disclosure Statement
Washington state law requires psychologists to go over
a written office disclosure statement the therapist hands
each of their clients. The office disclosure statement tells
the clients about you, your credentials, your philosophy
of treatment, what they can expect, office policies,
confidentiality and the limits of confidentiality.
An excellent resource for a general sample Psychotherapist-
Client Contract is on the website of The American
Psychological Association Insurance Trust. Go to
http://www.apait.org/apait/resources/articles/ and
follow the links to Resources  Education Center 
Sample Forms and Contracts  Sample Informed Consent
Contract.
You may also want to check with your professional
organization for other resources.
Following is an overview of Gottman Method Couples
Therapy. This description may be added to your Therapist
Disclosure Statement. It is not intended to be a complete
disclosure document. Applicable federal and state laws
must be followed.
Overview of Gottman Method Couples Therapy
The Gottman Method Couples Therapy is based on Dr. John

Gottman’s research that began in the 1970s and continues
to this day. The research has focused on what makes
relationships succeed or fail. From this research, Drs. John
and Julie Gottman have created a method of therapy that
emphasizes a nuts-and-bolts approach to improving clients’
relationships.
This method is designed to help teach specific tools to

deepen friendship and intimacy in your relationship. To
help you productively manage conflicts, you will be given
methods to manage resolvable problems and dialogue about
gridlocked (or perpetual) issues. We will also work together
to help you appreciate your relationship’s strengths and to
gently navigate through its vulnerabilities.
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Gottman Method Couples Therapy Consists of Five Parts
l Assessment
l Treatment
l Out of Therapy
l Termination
l Outcome Evaluation
Early in the assessment phase, you will be given some

written materials to complete that will help us better
understand your relationship. In the first sessions we will
talk about the history of your relationship, areas of concern,
and goals for treatment.
In the next session, I will meet with each of you

individually to learn your personal histories and to give
each of you an opportunity to share thoughts, feelings, and
perceptions. In the final session of assessment, I will share
with you my recommendations for treatment and work to
define mutually agreed–upon goals for your therapy.
Most of the work will involve sessions in which you will

be seen together as a couple. However, there may be times
when individual sessions are recommended. I may also
give you exercises to practice between sessions.
The length of therapy will be determined by your specific

needs and goals. In the course of therapy, we will establish
points at which to evaluate your satisfaction and progress.
Also, I will encourage you to raise any questions or
concerns that you have about therapy at any time.
In the later stage of therapy, we will phase out or meet less

frequently in order for you to test out new relationship
skills and to prepare for termination of the therapy.
Although you may terminate therapy whenever you wish,
it is most helpful to have at least one session together to
summarize progress, define the work that remains, and say
good-bye.
In the outcome-evaluation phase, as per the Gottman

Method, four follow-up sessions are planned: one after
six months, one after 12 months, one after 18 months,
and one after two years. These sessions have been shown
through research to significantly decrease the chances
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of relapse into previous, unhelpful patterns. In addition,

commitment to providing the best therapy possible requires
ongoing evaluation of methods used and client progress.
The purpose of these follow-up sessions then will be to
fine-tune any of your relationship skills if needed and to
evaluate the effectiveness of the therapy received.
Assessments and Fees
Fees for the assessment of your therapy are based on the

number of hours needed to complete the three-step process.
Generally, the assessment requires about 4 to 4 ½ hours in
three or four in-office sessions. It also requires 1 to 2 hours
of paperwork.
The components of the assessment are as follows:
Session #1 Intake Interviews 80–90 minutes
Session #2 Individual Interviews 45 minutes/ea.

(90 total)
Session #3 Treatment Planning 80–90 minutes
14.2. Video Recording Sessions and Release Forms

As a primary tool in Gottman Method Couples Therapy,
and in order to augment your therapy work, we recommend
the use of videotape as part of therapy sessions. If you are
pursuing Certification in the Gottman Method, you will
need to use videotapes in your consultation sessions with
your Gottman Consultant.
If you wish to videotape your therapy session, you must

provide your clients the form, “Permission for Digitally
Recording and Videotaping Therapy Sessions,” which they
will need to sign. This form is for your use only.
If you are attending the Level 3: Practicum Training and are

bringing video(s) to the workshop you must bring the form,
“Therapist Release Attestation,” which states that you have
obtained permission for videotaping from the couple and
have it on file in the couple’s chart.
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14-5
PERMISSION FOR DIGITALLY

RECORDING AND VIDEOTAPING
THERAPY SESSIONS
Therapist’s Explanation:
As a primary tool in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, and in order to augment your therapy
work, I use videotape feedback as part of therapy sessions. This means that I may ask to video-
tape you during specific dialogues or exercises, or during entire sessions. We will play back these
tapes in sessions to help you see patterns of behavior between the two of you and to help you
process conflicts. By viewing the videotapes in sessions, it allows us to “stop action” and process
how you might approach a conflict in a more productive way. It also allows you to witness your
progress as your relationship becomes more satisfying to both of you.
In addition to in-session use, I may wish to use the videotapes to receive consultation from Drs.
John or Julie Gottman or an independently practicing clinician who has received training from
The Gottman Institute, or to provide such training. This may occur during the time of treatment
or thereafter for purposes of peer review, education and quality assurance. During this process,
your name will be kept confidential. In addition, all matters discussed in consultations will
remain completely confidential within the Gottman Institute staff. The videotapes are not part
of your clinical record and will be used for no other purpose without your written permission and
they will be erased when they are no longer needed for these purposes.
These tapes are my property and will remain solely in my possession during the course of your
therapy. Copies may be sent to the Gottman Institute for the purposes noted above. Should you
wish to review these tapes for any reason, we will arrange a session to do so. These materials will
remain in locked facilities at all times.
Clients’ Agreement
I understand and accept the conditions of this statement and give my permission to have my
therapy sessions videotaped or digitally recorded. I understand I may revoke this permission
in writing at any time but until I do so it shall remain in full force and effect until the purposes
stated above are completed.
Client Date
(signature)
Client Date
(signature)
Therapist Date
(signature)
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14-7
THERAPIST RELEASE
ATTESTATION
I hereby certify that all clients who appear on video tape or DVD have authorized the release of
these taped sessions in writing, pursuant to the laws of the state and country in which I practice,
for the purposes of peer review, education and consultation by therapists associated with The
Gottman Institute. I certify that I have included in the release the particular usages provided
by The Gottman Institute found in the “Permission for Digitally Recording and Videotaping
Therapy Sessions” form.
Therapist Name
(print)
Therapist Name Date

(signature)
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14-9
100 Gottman Method Clinical Hours Documentation
Number of Hours:
Session Dates:
Gottman Interventions:
Love Maps Aftermath of a Fight
Stress-reducing Conversation Gottman-Rapoport Exercise
“I Appreciate...” Adjective Checklist Internal Working Model
Gentle Start-up Dan Wile
Repair Checklist Video Playback
Four Horsemen 7-Week Guide for Creating Fondness
and Admiration
Flooding
Meanings Interview
Compromise
Meta Emotion Interview
Accepting Influence
Other:
Relationship “Poop Detector”
By submitting this form, I affirm that the information herein is true and complete. I understand
that any false statements, omissions, or other misrepresentations made by me on this form may
result in my immediate dismissal from the Gottman Certification Track.
Name (printed)
Signature
Date
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14-11
Gottman Treatment Plan

Areas of Strength
Notable History
(abuse, trauma, affairs, family origin, relationship)
Co-morbidities
Presenting Problems
Preliminary Treatment Goals
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14-13
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Interpretation guidelines
SRH + 81 to 100% 61 to 80% 0 to 60%
SRH - 0 to 20% 21 to 40% 41 to 100%
Trust 51 to 100% 0 to 50%

19 Areas 0 to 20% 21 to 40% 41 to 100%
• Chaos 0 to 20% 21 to 40% 41 to 100%


History
EAQ
CAGE-AID
Score of 2/4 or greater indicates positive CAGE, need for further evalution
b-MAST
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Partner 1 Partner 2

Jealousy 1, 3, 4
+ Accepting Influence Gaslighting 11
+ Repair Attempts
- Flooding
+ Shared Meaning - Rituals P1 P2
+ Shared Meaning - Symbols
Trust Suicide Potential
Commitment Acts of Physical Aggression
19 Areas Checklist P1 P2 Clinical

Staying Emotionally Connected SCL-90 Cut-off P1 P2
Handling Job & Other Stresses Somatization So 1.23
Handling Disagreement Obsessive-Compulsive OC 1.18
Romance & Passion Interpersonal Sensitivity IS 0.96
Sex Life Depression D 1.50
Important & Traumatic Events Anxiety A 1.24
Parenting Issues Anger-Hostility AH 0.83
In-laws or Relatives Phobic Anxiety PA 0.69
Jealousy / Attracted to Others Paranoid Ideation PI 1.32
Recent Affair Psychoticism Ps 0.76
Q. 15 End Life
Unpleasant Fights
Q. 63 Urges to Harm
Hard Life Events
Power & Influence
CAGE AID
Finances
Fun Together b-MAST
Building Community
Spirituality
Notes:
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15. Additional Training and Services Through The

Gottman Institute
15.1. Introduction
The Gottman Institute makes it easy to receive training to enhance your
current skill set and to help you meet and exceed your career goals.
Our top-notch workshops and home study courses provide you with
research-based professional instruction and resources that you can use
immediately with your clients.
15.1.1. Post-Level 2 Teleconferences
Many questions arise for clinicians after the Level 2 Training as they
expand their integration of the assessments and interventions into their
work with couples. The Gottman Institute offers a series of Post-Level
2 Training Teleconferences designed to support the training and answer
your questions. The training is facilitated by David Penner, Ph.D.,
Clinical Director.
15.1.2. Membership in the New Gottman Referral Network
The Gottman Referral Network (GRN) is the primary resource for

couples worldwide who are seeking Gottman Method Couples Therapy.
In an effort to provide help for the increasing numbers of couples
asking for Gottman Method Couples Therapy, we have now opened the
GRN to licensed clinicians who have completed Level 2: Assessment,
Intervention, and Co-Morbidities, and Level 3: Practicum Training.
Membership in the GRN can help draw more couples to your practice as
you pursue your advanced training and enrich your skills in practicing
Gottman Method. In addition, it can also demonstrate your affiliation
with The Gottman Institute as you proceed through the stages of your
training. GRN members also receive special discounts at the TGI
store and at Gottman professional training teleconferences. To request
more information or to join the GRN, please contact the Professional
Development Department at 1-888-523-9042 x2 or
training@gottman.com.
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15.1.3. The Art & Science of Love Weekend Workshop for Couples
in Seattle with Drs. John and Julie Gottman
Now Offering 12 Continuing Education Credits
Eager to understand Gottman Method from the inside out? A terrific way
to enrich your professional and personal educational experience is to
attend a live couples workshop in Seattle with Drs. John & Julie Gottman.
We are excited to now offer 12 continuing education credits (please visit
www.gottman.com for more details).
Note: Certified Gottman Therapists may attend a complimentary couples

workshop with their spouse or partner. Clinicians in the Certification Track
may attend with their spouse or partner for $99.
We also welcome your referred clients. If you know that they cannot
afford the entire registration fee, contact our Couples Department, and
they can work out financial options and/or partial scholarships.
For information regarding Couples Weekend Workshops in Seattle, WA,

please contact our Couples Department by phone 1-888-523-9042 ext. 1 or
email couples@gottman.com.
For a list of THE ART & SCIENCE OF LOVE workshop dates,

visit www.gottman.com
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15.1.4. Level 3 - Practicum Training

Presented By Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman & Dr. John Gottman
For a list of LEVEL 3 workshop dates, visit www.gottman.com.
COURSE DESCRIPTION AND OVERVIEW

Fine-tune and master your skills using Gottman Method Couples Therapy.
Participants in the Level 3 Practicum Workshop, together with Drs. Julie
and John Gottman, examine actual videotaped cases of couples brought
in by workshop colleagues. The Gottmans use these videotaped cases as
teaching and learning tools to help deepen understanding of when and how
to use various Gottman Method approaches and interventions, and how to
break destructive patterns and replace them with meaningful interactions.
During this workshop, Drs. John and Julie Gottman lead discussions,
demonstrate techniques and provide guidance in developing a road map
for clinical decisions. Participants have the opportunity to practice and
refine their use of Gottman Couples Therapy through participation in role-
plays, demonstrations and discussions in a small group setting, and receive
personalized guidance and supportive coaching from the Gottmans and
Senior Certified Gottman Therapists.
PRE-REQUISITES
• Master’s or doctoral degree OR current enrollment in a graduate
program within a mental health-related field
• Completed Level 1 Live Training or DVD Home Study
• Completed Level 2 Live Training or DVD Home Study
• Therapy experience highly recommended, but not required
VIDEO PARTICIPATION
Participants are highly encouraged (although not required) to bring a video
tape of a couple from their practice to the Practicum, to share for teaching
and role-play experiences. The purpose of the video tapes is not to critique
the therapist but to view actual couples and learn how the Gottman
Method can be applied to each case.
REGISTRATION
Please go to www.gottman.com to find the course registration form.
FEES
The fee for the Level 3 Practicum Training is $1,250.
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15.2. Becoming Certified - Next Steps

15.2.1. The Gottman Method Certification Track
The Gottman Institute is committed to providing high quality advanced

training in the treatment of couples. To that end, we seek to certify
those clinicians who demonstrate a high level of integrity, sound clinical
judgment and therapeutic effectiveness. As such, we require not only
training, but also consultation and review prior to certification.
Acceptance into the certification track will begin the consultation process
that leads toward certification. While we strongly encourage you to enter
the certification track immediately after completing Level 3, you must
begin consultation within 2 years of completing Level 3, otherwise you
must repeat the Level 3 training.
Following the Level 3 Practicum workshop, clinicians in the Certification

Track will work with a Gottman Consultant who can guide them in
applying the Gottman Method with their couples. There will be ample
opportunity to ask questions and receive input about all phases of
working with couples, from assessment and treatment planning through
selecting and implementing appropriate interventions for each client’s
unique needs. Consultants will provide feedback on video tapes of
therapy sessions and will assist the therapist in becoming proficient in
the core intervention skills necessary for certification. A minimum of
eight individual or twelve small group consultations are required for
certification.
When you have completed your consultation sessions and you and
your consultant have agreed on your readiness, you must submit
four videotaped segments you have made of your work to qualify for
certification. The purpose of submitting these videos is for you to
demonstrate your knowledge, appropriate usage, and comfort with four
core Gottman Method interventions. You will have 2 years from entering
the certification track to submit your videos for final review.
If your videos are accepted, you will receive an oral summary of your
review and a Certificate indicating that you’ve achieved designation as a
Certified Gottman Therapist.
15.2.2. Fees
There is a one-time administrative fee of $675 payable to The Gottman

Institute. This fee includes the cost of evaluating tapes submitted for
certification after the completion of the consultation process. Fees for
Consultation are additional and will be paid directly to your Consultant.
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Consultation fees are $140 per 45 minute individual consultation and

range from $85 to $100 for 50–90 minute small group consultations,
depending on the size of the group. In addition, the cost for the
Consultant’s time reviewing video tapes is prorated at the rate of $140
per 45 minutes. A minimum of three 15-minute video segments are
required for Consultant review but typically additional tape reviews are
necessary.
15.2.3. Certification Readiness Check-list
Our goal is to optimize your successful consultation and certification.

Successful application and acceptance leads to (1) Consultation and
Video Submission and (2) Opportunity to achieve designation as a
Certified Gottman Therapist™.
THE MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS FOR THE
C E RT I F I C AT I O N T R A C K I N C L U D E :
TRAINING & PROFESSIONAL LICENSURE
• Level 1: Bridging the Couple Chasm; Gottman Method Therapy - A

Research-Based Approach* Live Training or DVD/VHS (*Note:
formerly titled “Marital Therapy: A Research-Based Approach)
• Level 2: Assessment, Intervention & Co-Morbidities*
Live Training or DVD/VHS Home-study (*Note: formerly titled
“Advanced Study”)
• Level 3: Practicum Training
• A minimum of 1000 hours of postgraduate therapy experience;
• Licensure or certification in a mental health related field
• Malpractice Insurance (1M/3M) info
CLINICAL EXPERIENCE
In addition to strong core therapeutic skills, successful candidates

typically possess the following:
• Theoretical orientation that includes method of addressing the deeper

meaning beneath issues (i.e.: psychodynamic, trauma theory, etc.)
• Experience working with adult populations in one or more of the
following: domestic violence, substance abuse and recovery, trauma
and post-traumatic stress disorders and affective disorders
• A diverse caseload of couples within their current practice.
• Experience working within diverse and/or international environments
that includes work with minority populations
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• Experience working with adult populations in specialty areas that

includes the following: domestic violence, substance abuse and
recovery, trauma and post-traumatic stress disorders and affective
disorders
• Strong clinical experience providing individual therapy
• An adequate number of couples in one’s practice to meaningfully
integrate the Gottman Method into ongoing work with couples. If you
aren’t already a member of the Gottman Referral Network, you may
want to consider joining – it’s a great way to increase your couples
referrals! Contact training@gottman.com for more information.
15.2.4. Certification Track Application
If you are registered for Level 3, you may send in the Certification Track
application before attending coming to the workshop, to make it possible
to start consultation shortly after Level 3.
Please contact the Professional Development Department (+1 206-523-
9042 ext 2, or via email at training@gottman.com) for the Certification
Application packet. We must receive all of the documents listed on
the Certification Track Application Checklist for your application to be
complete.
If you are registered for Level 3, you may send in the Certification Track
application before attending the workshop, to make it possible to start
consultation shortly after Level 3.
You will be notified of your acceptance via email.
15.2.5. Consultation
In order to become certified you must complete a minimum of 8

individual or 12 group consultation sessions with a Consultant (senior
Certified Gottman Therapist trained as a Consultant) following the Level
3 Practicum workshop.
Following the Level 3 workshop, you will have the opportunity to
complete a Consultation Preference Form which will be taken into
consideration for Consultation assignment. Assignment is based
on a number of factors including consultant availability, schedule
compatibility and overall resource distribution for The Gottman Institute.
Consultant assignments will be made approximately one month after
each Level 3 training for those whose application packets are complete.
After that, Consultant assignments will be made as application packets
are completed.
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15.2.6. Consultation Content
The purpose of consultation is to review and improve your expertise

in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. To this end, you will need to
start with a new couple in order to cover the initial assessment phase of
Gottman Method Couples Therapy.
Consultation occurs in a supportive environment in which you will
select cases and follow couples through the assessment and treatment
process utilizing relevant Gottman Method interventions. Interventions
discussed will depend on the case selected, the couple’s particular needs,
and therapeutic timing. It is expected that aspects of conflict regulation,
dealing with the Four Horsemen, and co-morbidities will be included.
Questions can be answered in detail.
You will select various cases on which to consult, and follow them
through assessment and various interventions so as to focus in detail on
your own understanding of The Gottman Method. The focus will be on
the process of conducting a couple’s therapeutic process with therapeutic
goals, appropriately weighed and sequenced. Interventions discussed
will depend on the case selected, the couple’s particular needs, and the
therapeutic timing when the consultation is conducted. It is expected
that aspects of conflict regulation, dealing with the Four Horsemen and
co-morbidities will most likely be included in this consultation. We
recommend that you begin videotaping your clients early in the process
and expect that you will submit a minimum of 3 to 6 segments to your
consultant for feedback prior to final video review.
15.2.7. Asking for Help
It is not uncommon to experience anxiety as you let go of depending

solely on your previous couples’ methodology, prior to integrating
Gottman method interventions fully into your work. At some point
during the training, even very experienced clinicians find themselves
feeling a bit unsure as they begin using this new framework. Remember
this is a normal part of the process and it is okay to share these concerns
with others.
Another area in which many therapists require additional assistance
is with 1) using A/V equipment 2) selecting video segments and/or 3)
editing the segments onto DVD. In order to continue your successful
progression towards certification, manage your anxiety or resistance by
addressing this piece early and with professional coaching if necessary.
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15.2.8. 100 Hours of Gottman Method
Before sending in tapes for Final Video Review, you must complete
and document at least 100 hours of Gottman Method Couples Therapy.
You may begin documenting your hours using Gottman Method
interventions upon completion of Level 2: Assessment, Intervention
and Co-morbidities. You will be asked to submit the 100 Gottman Hours
form, Gottman Treatment Plan form and the Scoring Summary Sheet
for each couple you treat with the Gottman Method. These forms can
be found in Chapter 14 of this manual. Please copy these forms and
use one set for each of your couples, documenting all of that couple’s
sessions on the 100 Gottman Hours form. Please submit one completed
set per couple along with your final certification tapes at your final
review.
15.2.9. Submitting Videos for Certification
Because The Gottman Institute wishes to certify clinicians who can

represent the Gottman method sensitively and appropriately, trained
Video Reviewers who are senior Certified Gottman Therapists and
Consultants will review these videos to assess your readiness for
certification. You will have 2 years from entering the certification track
to submit your videos for final review.
When you have completed your consultation sessions and you and
your consultant have agreed on your readiness, you must submit
four videotaped segments you’ve made of your work to qualify for
certification. A description of final video requirements is included in this
manual, along with the procedures for submitting your videos. For your
information, a copy of the Final Evaluation Review Form is included in
this manual. The Reviewer will complete this form during video review
and the information will be submitted to your consultant. The purpose
of submitting these videos is for you to demonstrate your knowledge,
appropriate usage, and comfort with four core Gottman Method
interventions.
Generally, you should expect to wait 6-8 weeks after sending your videos
before receiving your review. At the time of your review, you will be
given feedback on your work from your consultant, and you will be
accepted for certification or requested to take some action to demonstrate
proficiency in an aspect that may need strengthening, and re-submit one
or more video segments. If you are accepted, you will receive an oral
summary of your review and a Certificate indicating that you’ve achieved
designation as a Certified Gottman Therapist.
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QUESTIONS?
If you would like the most current information on our professional

training program, please contact the Professional Development
Department at (888) 523-9042 ext. 2 or training@gottman.com.
Additional information about the Certification Track, Consultation,
Video Review and Basic Video skills will also be given at the Level 3
Practicum workshop.
15.3. The Seven Principles for Making Certification Work

By Dave Penner, Ph.D., Clinical Director
The Gottman Institute really wants to set you up for success and help you
make the most out of the major investment in time, money and energy
that you expend in your training in the Gottman Method. We also want
to be very honest and realistic about what it takes to become certified and
we want you to be aware of and overcome obstacles that can get in the
way.
After completing Level 2, the next step in the training process is the
Level 3 Certification Practicum. Following this, you will have the
opportunity to begin consulting with experienced Certified Gottman
Method therapists to obtain help with your cases from a Gottman
perspective and to fine tune using core Gottman Interventions.
So, here are the Seven Principles for Making Certification and
Consultation Work:
1. Your Consultant wants to get to know you and to help you. Get
to know your consultant and how they handle cases like yours using
the Gottman Method. Ask questions.
2. Your Consultant has a lot of Fondness and Admiration for you

and for the work you are doing. They want you to be successful!
They are on your side. Every consultant was once a trainee and
they know what’s it’s like to be in your shoes with videotaping
fears, information overload, questions you think you should know
but can’t quite understand, etc. In the past we anonymously
surveyed everyone in the certification process. The overwhelming
majority of consultees rated their consultation experience and their
consultant very positively.
3. Turn toward your Consultant with your thoughts and questions.

They will turn towards you in response and help you the best they can.
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4. Keep a positive perspective on your training. With practice,

intervention skills will develop and will feel much more natural.
They can be woven into many therapeutic orientations and styles.
Don’t become discouraged if you need more than the minimum
number of consultations to become certified. This is common.
5. Solvable and Perpetual Problems in the Consultation Process.

A. Solvable Problem Prevention:
• Tape every session. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard
someone say, “I did a great intervention, but I didn’t get it on
tape.” If you leave the camera running all the time, then you can
capture those great therapeutic moments.
• Put tapes aside when you have good ones. When you are in a
session with the video camera going and you think you have an
intervention that might be good enough for certification, pull
that video aside and watch it as soon as possible. Keep it in a
separate place. Do not simply throw hours of videos into your
filing cabinet and expect to later come back and watch them to
find good interventions. This would quickly become very time
consuming and overwhelming. If you stay on top of it as you
go, it is much easier.
• Send in videos to your consultant for feedback early and often.
Video feedback is the single most helpful aspect of consultation
(vs. discussing client background, history, etc.).
• Watch your own videos and review them using the criteria for
certification
• Video tape equipment recommendations:
°° Ability to transfer to VHS or DVD
°° External Microphone
°° Wide angle lens
• Have enough clients in your practice, or expect to get enough
clients, to have a diversity of issues so that the core interven-
tions can be used. For example, not every couple will exhibit
flooding in a session. It’s also helpful to follow couples through
the process from assessment through treatment, which requires
several couples in therapy to account for drop outs.
• Focus on the key interventions and learn to do them in a “pure”
form.
• Driver’s Ed. Instructor Analogy
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• Keep a realistic time frame for completing the process and do

not wait until the last minute.
B. Perpetual Problem Prevention
• In person vs. phone consultation. The conference call system

works quite well.
• Individual vs. group consultation: Both are effective, each have
advantages and disadvantages.
• Good general therapy skills are a prerequisite for effective
implementation of the Gottman Method.
C. Helpful Resources:
• Therapy Sessions: Live and Therapy Sessions: Case

Demonstrations Training Videos.
• Attend the Art & Science of Love Couples Workshop as a par-
ticipant or watch the DVD.
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
• The Marriage Clinic
• The Marriage Clinic: Case Study
• Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage
6. We want to honor your dream of becoming the best couple’s

therapist possible and we provide a wide range of resources and
interventions to help you achieve this goal. One of the difficulties
with being a therapist is that for whatever intervention one uses, one
could also have used several other interventions or said other helpful
things. We fully understand this and want to encourage creativity
within the core framework of the Gottman Method.
7. We want you to experience shared meaning in your work by

joining the supportive community of Gottman therapists around
the world.
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15.4. Six Steps to Sail Through Certification

By Mary Beth George, M.Ed., LPC, RD/LD, Certified Gottman Therapist
Last October, my business partner Alysha Roll and I travelled to Seattle

for Level 3 Training. The inspiration we felt afterwards was palpable, so
much so that we spent the four-hour plane ride back to Texas planning
our future success as Gottman therapists.
Generating a two-page To-Do list, we got off the plane in Houston and hit
the ground running. Fastforward six months and certification is the sweet
reward for our “nose to the grindstone” approach. Here are some of our
strategies for sailing through certification:
1. Buddy Up: Since Alysha and I work closely together, we opted for
group consultation. This proved to be a very advantageous strategy
as we provided each other with a great deal of support through the
process.
2. Choose the Right Consultant: Before leaving Seattle, we made it

a point to meet and interact with many of the Consultants. While
Alysha and I view them all as experts, we sought out a Consultant
that was a good match for our personalities and business style.
In addition to receiving clinical consultation, we tacked on some
extra sessions to discuss the business side of being a Gottman
therapist – seeing a return on our investment. Selecting the right
Consultant is paramount. We scheduled weekly appointments with
our Consultant, creating good momentum and also applying some
pressure on ourselves to obtain and produce tapes.
3. Market Yourself: Our initial To Do list was replete with ideas to

recruit more couples to our practice, not only to get a wide selection
for the certification process, but to establish ourselves as experts
in our community. We updated our website, changed our business
name and restructured our work schedules to accommodate more
couples. We changed our advertising, sent postcards, informed other
therapists of our new specialty and had an Open House. We utilized
the power of social media by blogging, Facebooking, tweeting
and pinning. If you build it, they will come – we had (and have) an
abundance of couples.
4. Have a “Can Do” Attitude: Being a firm believer in “I will see it

when I believe it”, I knew that I had to shed any doubts about my
ability to become certified. The importance of a “can do” attitude
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can’t be stressed enough because anxiety and fear of failure will

surely slow the process or make it come to a screeching halt. Our
Consultant was masterful in using softened startup when he had to
give a negative tape review and I worked very hard on not becoming
defensive. Trusting his opinions and expertise, while at the same
time affirming my ability as a therapist, helped me keep my eye on
the prize. I looked at negative feedback as an opportunity for growth
rather than a failure on my part.
5. Immerse yourself in Gottman Method: After Level 3 Training,

I realized that my knowledge of Gottman Method was inadequate
and I had a great deal to learn to become proficient. Reading most
of the books on the required reading list help me gain confidence
and drilled the concepts into my head. Alysha and I began applying
Gottman strategies in our own marriages but quickly realized
that our husbands were not up to speed. We returned to Seattle in
February with our spouses to attend The Art & Science of Love
Couples Workshop. Seeing John and Julie do a live demonstration
of the Aftermath of a Fight intervention was incredibly poignant,
and helped our husbands embrace the process as much as we did.
Being workshop participants showed us how the interventions build
on one another, melding the entire process as much as we did. Being
workshop participants showed us how the interventions build on
one another, melding the entire process for us. We left the workshop
with an additional surge of energy to focus on the certification
process.
6. Channel Your Inner Techie: Making and editing videotapes was

not as demanding as I expected. Using a very basic video camera
and extra rechargeable batteries allowed me to record and download
several sessions per day. Microsoft Movie Maker proved easy to
use and saving videos on SD cards instead of DVDs was a time
saver. Gaining consent to videotape was also less challenging than
anticipated. My spiel was very brief and included three reasons to
tape (video playback, self-critique, and Consultant feedback). As I
spoke, I handed them the consent form on a clipboard, indicating
that I expected them to sign. Not one couple refused to sign and they
quickly got used to the camera.
We can breathe a sigh of relief now that we are certified, but because
Newton’s second law is in play, we are moving forward and planning
our first weekend workshop for later this year. Our goal was never to just
“get done” by to embrace the journey and the present moment!
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15.5. Intervention Criteria for Submitting Certification Video
By Dave Penner, Ph.D., Clinical Director
This document is provided to help you pass the videotape segments

required to become a Certified Gottman Therapist. The criteria listed
here are the same as those on the “Video Review for Certification Form”
which the video reviewers use to evaluate tapes. These criteria are the
foundation for doing Gottman Methods successfully, whether pursing
certification or not. It is very helpful to familiarize yourself with these
criteria and to critique your own work using these benchmarks.
As a reminder, the policy is that three attempts are allowed for each
intervention. If one or more interventions are not passed in three
attempts, the candidate must retake the Level 3 Practicum training as a
refresher at the alumni fee. You may submit your videos when both you
and your consultant believe that you are ready. It is highly recommended
(based on your consultant’s input) that videos needing a second attempt
be reviewed by your consultant for feedback prior to resubmitting them
in order to increase your chance of success, and it is required if a third
attempt is needed. The Gottman Institute wants you to be successful and
we are here to help support you in any way we can.
15.5.1. General Requirements for All Interventions
Successful application of the Gottman Method requires more than

meeting the specific criteria for each intervention because interventions
occur in a broader therapeutic context. In addition to intervention
specific requirements, the Therapist:
a. Reads and interprets clients’ affect appropriately.

b. Demonstrates respect, empathy and a trusting alliance with both
partners.
c. Avoids taking sides or obvious bias towards or identification with one
partner or the other.
d. Avoids comments, jokes, or attempts at humor and references that
might make the couple uncomfortable or which misrepresent the
Gottman Method with particular sensitivity to ethnic, racial, gender,
sexual orientation and religious considerations.
e. Avoids inappropriate touch with clients, including in humor.
f. Chooses an intervention that is appropriate and well-timed that stems
from the couple’s interaction and the content of their discussion.
g. Briefly explains the intervention in sensitive, clear language.
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h. Does not argue with the couple about doing the intervention.
i. Shares relevant, accurate research findings when appropriate.
j. Does not guarantee success.
k. Supports the couple, if needed, to facilitate their use of the
intervention.
l. Shows the couple’s response to the intervention.
m. Helps couple succeed in having a second conversation that is
healthier than their first conversation.
MISCELLANEOUS NOTES:
a. The tape of each intervention should be approximately 15 minutes

long.
b. Editing tapes is not allowed unless specifically stated in the criteria
for a particular intervention.
c. If an intervention has been used with a couple before, you still need
to provide an explanation of the intervention to demonstrate your
ability to explain it accurately and clearly. You could say something
like, “As you may recall . . ., “ then describe the intervention
and facilitate them doing it again using the video review criteria.
Remember that a review is helpful for the couple to deepen their
understanding of the intervention and strengthen their ability to
implement the intervention on their own.
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15.5.2. Criteria for Specific Interventions
FOUR HORSEMEN
Note: The requirement for this tape is to show an effective clinical

intervention when one of the four horsemen is used in a couple’s dyadic
process; it is not to show an educational explanation of all four horsemen.
The tape may be less than 15 minutes. However, the tape should show
the context of couple’s discussion by including a few minutes of their
interaction prior to intervention.
The therapist:
a. Stops the couple’s interaction when one member exhibits one of the
four horsemen.
b. Intervenes with a short explanation of why the therapist has stopped

them.
c. Explains the antidote to the relevant horseman clearly and accurately.
d. Briefly shares relevant, accurate research findings when appropriate.
e. Coaches the person with an alternative way to express him- or herself

using an appropriate antidote.
f. Re-directs the couple to resume their discussion. The tape

should show the couple’s conversation for a few minutes after the
intervention to demonstrate that the therapist continues to monitor for
the four horsemen and intervenes if they re-emerge.
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FLOODING
The therapist:
a. Identifies when one or both partners are physiologically flooded (and

not just upset) and stops the dyadic interaction between the couple.
Flooding must be identified by a pulse check. The heart rate may be
identified by clients taking their own pulse or through the use of a
pulse monitoring device. Their pulse rate must be above 100 (80 if
athletic).
b. Provides a brief explanation of flooding in clear, sensitive language

using only a few words. Remember that when one is flooded the
ability to listen and retain information is limited.
c. Intervenes by guiding one or both partners through a relaxation

exercise before continuing. Whether both partners are included in
the relaxation exercise is a judgment call but the flooded partner
must not be negatively labeled. If only one partner participates in the
relaxation exercise, support the non- flooded partner to remain quietly
present while their partner is relaxing.
d. Relaxation techniques may include breathing, muscle tensing-

relaxing, heaviness, warmth and/or imagery. Note: The relaxation
exercise should be as long as necessary to effectively calm the
client(s). If the relaxation exercise is lengthy, you may edit out the
middle portion. The tape should otherwise be unedited.
e. Briefly shares relevant, accurate research findings when appropriate.
f. Supports couple to resume interaction that is appropriate.
g. Shows a few minutes of the couple’s interaction with each other after
the intervention to show that the process has effectively reduced
flooding by the individual or couple’s calm response to the relaxation
technique.
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DREAMS WITHIN CONFLICT
The therapist:
a. Stops the couple’s negative conflict interaction or refers to the

context if it occurred in a prior session. It should be clear what the
gridlocked issue is. The intervention arises from the context of the
couple’s current conflict and is not about their general hopes and
dreams for their relationship.
b. Explains the Dreams Within Conflict goals clearly including:

• Finding the deeper meaning or dream within the specific
gridlocked issue
c. Explains the speaker-listener structure of the exercise and provides

the Dream Catcher Questions handout page.
d. Refers to the sample dream list to show clients examples of possible

dreams within a gridlocked issue.
e. Coaches one partner to ask the other partner questions from the
handout to increase understanding of their partner’s underlying
dreams or deeper meaning imbedded in their specific gridlocked
issue. The tape does not need to show both partners asking questions.
While the general rule is to guide one partner to ask the other partner
the questions, there may be occasional, brief exceptions when it
is appropriate for the therapist to ask a question to bring out some
deeper meaning or relevant family/personal/trauma history related to
the gridlocked issue.
f. Helps the questioner to draw out the speaker (vs. getting into their
own point of view) and create a climate of emotional safety for the
speaker to express their dreams, when appropriate.
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COMPROMISE USING TWO OVALS
This intervention may be used for either a solvable or perpetual/

gridlocked problem. The tape may show the couple talking
unproductively about their issue or the couple may have just completed
understanding each other’s point of view. Then the therapist introduces
this intervention to help them reach a compromise. For couples with a
perpetual/gridlocked problem, the therapist explains that this intervention
may help them reach a temporary compromise or a partial compromise
on part of their larger issue but the goal is not to reach an ultimate
solution.
If the couple becomes gridlocked during this intervention, the appropriate

action would be to move them to a Dreams Within Conflict intervention
before proceeding further. This would not count towards the compromise
intervention.
The therapist:
a. Explains the compromise process, which is designed to help each

person identify what they cannot give up as well as what they can be
more flexible about.
b. Gives compromise ovals handout to each partner. Note:

Alternately, the therapist may have couples draw two circles on a
blank sheet of paper for the first part of this intervention.
c. Instructs each partner to identify and write out their areas of

inflexibility and flexibility and then to share them with each other.
You may edit out the couple writing their areas of inflexibility/
flexibility as long as the beginning and end of the writing portion is
shown.
d. Directs partners to ask each other the “getting to yes” questions on

the compromise handout.
e. Effectively interrupts 4 Horsemen if present.
f. Note: The tape does not need to show the couple reaching a
compromise but it does need to include coaching couples to ask each
other some of the “getting to yes” questions.
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15.6. Basic Video Skills for the Gottman Therapist

By Don Cole, Certified Gottman Therapist
Introduction
The simple truth of the matter is that we are therapists, not electronic
wizards. Some Gottman trainees who are excellent therapists find themselves
overwhelmed by the learning curve involved in producing the videos needed
for consultation and review. If this type of thing comes easily to you, you’ve
probably already moved to the next chapter, but if, like many of us, these things
are tricky for you, I hope this basic tutorial will be of help.
When taking on this topic you will be confronted by owner’s manuals for
cameras, user’s manuals for software, connecting cables and lots of advice.
DON’T GET FLOODED! If you do get flooded, take a time out, practice self-
soothing and come back to it later.
15.6.1. Types of Video Cameras (camcorders)
Analog or Digital
Unless you are using a very old camera, you’re probably already using a digital
camera and certainly if you go to purchase a new camera, it will be digital. If
you have an older model analog camera, you can still use it, but you might find it
difficult to convert the files into a digital (computer based) form in order to make
a DVD to share with your consultant. If you’re not sure which you have, here’s
a tip: ALL ANALOG CAMERAS USE A TAPE! Of course, some older model
digital cameras use tapes to record as well. Those tapes will be clearly marked
DV (for digital video). If your camera uses a tape other than a DV tape, it is
analog and you might think about investing in a newer model. An analog video
can be converted to digital, but the process is complicated and the quality of the
video will be diminished.
Types of Digital Cameras
Modern digital video cameras are very powerful, lightweight and relatively
inexpensive. They are for the most part simple to use. They are distinguished
by the way they save the video images they receive.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Digital video files are HUGE! Storing, editing and
moving them from place to place take time and computing power, much more
than the word processor or spreadsheet files we usually encounter.
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DV Camcorders
These cameras use a small cassette tape to record the data. Most DV (sometimes
called Mini DV) tapes will record between 60 and 90 minutes of footage.
Pictured below is a camcorder of this type. Video is transferred to a computer’s
hard drive via a FireWire cable like the one in the photo below. Notice how the
plugs are indented on one side and are smaller than a USB connection. FireWire
provides a faster connection between the camcorder and the computer and
allows for quicker downloading of video files than is possible with a standard
USB connection. All Macs and most newer windows computers have a FireWire
input but many do not. If yours doesn’t have a FireWire connection, there are
adapters available.
DV Camcorder and Tape FireWire Transfer Cable
DVD Camcorders
Some older model digital camcorders used a disk (DVD or Mini DVD) to
record the images. The disk would then be inserted into the DVD reader on the
computer and video files could be transferred to the computer’s hard drive.
Flash Memory Camcorders
Some newer camcorders come with built in “flash” memory. Video files
are then transferred by USB. Most of these camcorders also use an SD card
(pictured below) to expand memory capacity.
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SanDisk© SD/HC 8
HDMI Cable
Gigabyte video card
SD Memory Camcorders
These are similar to the Flash Memory Camcorder except that is uses SD
cards only without any internal memory. Pictured below is a Cannon HF
R300 camcorder which is of this type. Files are transferred to a computer by
removing the card from the camera and inserting it directly into a card reader
slot on the computer or by USB cable. Many computers have these slots built
in. Card reader adapters are available which connect to the computer via USB
port, but these tend to be slower than the build in card readers and a direct USB
connection works just as well.
Cannon HF R300 camcorder,

$300 range
15.6.3. Selecting a Camcorder
If you are looking to purchase a camcorder here are some tips:
• The SD card cameras are very convenient and easy to use.

• Most new cameras are using the AVCHD system which will give excellent
quality.
• Internal flash memory costs more and will more likely hinder rather than
help in downloading your videos.
• Make sure the camcorder’s built in microphone is adjustable. More about
sound issues later.
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• It is better to get a camera with a place to plug in an external microphone in

case your sound quality is inadequate.
• You will most likely need a tripod.
• Make sure the recording media (tape or card) can be removed without
detaching from the tripod.
• SD cards come in different classes for different uses. You will want a class
10.
• Not all SD cards will work with all cameras. SanDisk SD/HC Ultra Class 10
should work with any camera but check with the retailer to be sure.
• An SD card of 8 gigabytes should give about 2 hours of recording time.
• If you are going to be using video feedback to couples in session, you should
start each session with a video card that has all earlier sessions erased to
avoid an accidental breach of confidentiality. It is best to have at least two
cards.
• Make sure the cameras output option matches your monitor’s input option.
HDMI is best as it handles the best video and audio with one cable.
• SD cards have a write protect tab which must be pushed forward or they will
not allow recording. The pencil in the below photograph shows the location
of that tab.
15.6.4. Recording with a smartphone or tablet
Many Gottman Therapists are now using their smartphones or tablets to record
their sessions. This is an excellent solution for many since the technology has
significantly improved over the past few years. You will want to take care about
battery life, since video recording can wear down a battery very quickly. The
files can be edited and sent online without ever using a computer which is a big
plus for many people. Use of a phone/tablet has a drawback for those who wish
to use video feedback as an intervention, since most phones/tablets to not have
easy connections to an external monitor. Tablets with their larger screens can
work for video feedback interventions to couples more easily than a phone.
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Some people complain that their sound quality is an issue when recording with
a phone/tablet. There are external microphones, usually Bluetooth, which can
be purchased. They cost between $50 and $100 for a good one. They have the
advantage of not needing to be connected by wire to the recording device. Most
video editing software, such as iMovie and Windows Movie Maker have sound
boosting capabilities that work very well. That might solve the issue without
having to purchase an external microphone.
15.6.5. Video Production
Now that we have our camera selected it is time to make and use the recordings
we need. For our purposes we will break this into four easy steps: recording,
downloading, editing and burning to DVD.
Recording Your Videos
It goes without saying that you must have written authorization signed in order
to record clients in any way. These recordings are very sensitive and must be
given the highest level of security possible.
Tips for getting a good recording:
• Sound, Sound, Sound! The number one problem raised by consultants and
reviewers is poor sound quality. There are three ways to address this issue.
°° Adjust the internal microphone’s recording sensitivity. Not all camcorders
provide this option. Check the owner’s manual.
°° Adjust the level of the sound during the editing process. Most editing
software, including IMovie (Apple) and Moviemaker (Windows 7) allow
you to do this.
°° Use an external microphone. Your camcorder must support this option.
Lapel mikes work best. You need two and a Y adapter that lets you plug
both mikes into a single input on your camera. These mikes will have
battery power and an off/on switch. You must make sure to switch them off
after each use or the batteries will run down. Using external microphones
is intrusive and it would be best to try to resolve the sound issue with one
or both of the adjustment options first.
• Lighting! Often the lighting in our office is fairly subdued. In addition
clients frequently are recorded while facing each other with lamps beside
them, causing shadows which make it hard to get a good recording.
Camcorders are notorious for having difficulty recording in low light
conditions. A light source such as a torchiere lamp placed behind the camera
can help.
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• Have the camera ready to record before the session begins so you have to
touch only one button to begin the recording. Make sure both people are in
the shot and zoom in as close as possible.
• Every time you stop recording, a new clip, or scene is created with an SD camera.
Downloading Your Videos
The following instructions are based on using the software “Windows Live
Movie Maker” which is a free program that comes with Windows 7. If you
have Windows 7 but don’t have the “Live Essentials” programs, you can easily
download them from Microsoft. Apple has a free program called IMovie11
which works in a very similar fashion. If you have an older computer using an
operating system which doesn’t include Moviemaker or IMovie, you can buy
video editing software for around $50.
Using an SD card reader is very simple. Simply insert the card into the slot.
You should get a dialogue box asking you to download the files. You can then
save them on your hard drive. You might want to create a folder in my videos in
which to place the video files. You are now ready to edit. If you are connecting
with a FireWire or USB cable you might need to open a video program to
“capture” the video from the camera. Windows 7 has Windows Live Photo
Gallery which has the ability to capture from a camera. With Apple you will
always connect the camera to the computer with the proper cable (FireWire or
USB).
Editing your clips with Movemaker
This is the most intimidating part of the process. If you look at most books
or magazines it becomes easy to get overwhelmed as they quickly launch into
discussions about adding music, narration, transitions or special effects. For our
needs, none of that is necessary.
Step 1: Open Moviemaker and “click here to browse for videos and photos”
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Step 2: Select the video you want and click on Open
Step 3: Click on Video Tools.
Step 4: Adjust the sound levels in the upper left corner.
Step 5: Save the video if you are not going to remove any of the footage.
Step 6: If you want to shorten the video watch the video on the previewer at left.
Make note of the start and end time of the section you want to use.
Step 7: Click the Trim Tool at the top
Step 8: Type in the start and times
Step 9: Click “save trim” and save the video. YOU MUST SELECT THE
“SAVE MOVIE” option and not the “SAVE PROJECT.” A project is incomplete
and cannot be read by video players. You can save the movie in HD if you like,
however it will take longer to upload.
If you want to use a second section of the video, simply click home, add video
and photo, select the same video and use the trim tool again to keep the section
that you want.
Now you are ready to burn to a disk or via file transfer.
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Editing your clips with iMovie
Apple IMovie works in a very similar fashion and most people find it even more
user friendly than Moviemaker. The main difference is that you always connect
the camcorder to the computer with a cable rather than inserting the SD card
directly. Below is a link to Apple’s video tutorial on using IMovie
http://www.apple.com/findouthow/movies
1. Download iMovie from the App Store, it costs $4.99.
2. Open the iMovie app and touch the + sign in the upper right corner.
3. You will see a window that lets you chose Movie or Trailer, select MOVIE.
4. You will see a screen that has a number of different movie options at the
bottom, select SIMPLE.
5. Select CREATE MOVIE at the upper right corner.
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6. You will see a screen with your recorded videos, select the video you want
to use.
7. When you select your video it will be outlined in yellow. A bar will appear
with an arrow pointing down. Touch that arrow and you move the video to
the editing screen.
8. Tap the video clip and it will be outlined in yellow.
9. In the bottom right corner you will see Video and Audio, make sure you
select Video by touching it.
10. Slide the video clip to the place you want the video to end and select “split”
at the bottom of the screen. Select the video portion you want to discard by
touching it (yellow outline) and touch the trash can at the bottom.
11. Now slide the video clip to the desired beginning point, select split and
discard the unwanted portion. If you are editing out the middle portion (for
a flooding video for example) you can simply split the video into three
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sections and discard the center part. iMovie automatically will join the
remaining sections together for you.
12. If the volume needs to be adjusted, select the word AUDIO at the bottom
left of the screen. You will see a slide bar that allows you to adjust the
sound. This is a huge advantage and can really boost the sound of your
videos WARNING: DO NOT SELECT THE “DETACH” OPTION AT THE
RIGHT. This will disconnect your sound track from your video.
13. Touch the back arrow at the top left, you now can save the completed
movie. Tap on the title (it will be MY MOVIE), erase that name and type in
the name you want.
14. Touch the small square with the arrow and you will see this screen.
15. Select save video (lower right option in the grey box. You can select the
export size. You can select 1080p to get the best quality, however that will
make the file larger. If you have difficulty uploading or transferring your
file, you can select a lower resolution.
16. You will see this screen that says Importing Video. When it is finished you
are ready to transfer the video file or to copy it to your computer or onto a
flash drive.
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Most of the time we start with a large video file and trim it down to the 15
minute sections we need for consultation or review. Since we are not adding
extras, such as music, animations or transitions, our video editing task is fairly
straightforward.
15.6.6. Burning a Disk for Playback
There are two basic types of DVD’s. The DVD-ROM which is the one most
people are familiar with. It is a single use medium. When you burn a video to
a DVD-ROM it is there permanently and cannot be erased and the disk cannot
be reused. DVD-RW can be used over and over again. They tend to be more
expensive to buy and older DVD players could not play them, but most newer
DVD players and computers play them without problem.
If you use Apple IMovie export the video to a program called IDisk. IDisk
allows you to customize the look of the final product, allows you to add other
movies if you wish and then prompts you to insert the disk for burning. In
Moviemaker you simply click the Moviemaker Icon at the upper left corner,
go to “save movie” and then” burn a DVD.” You will be prompted to save the
movie and then a program called Windows DVD Maker will open with your
movie in it. You can also add other video clips to the movie. This is a feature
you may want to use when preparing your videos for final review. You then
insert a blank DVD and the videos will be transferred DVD format and burned to
the disk.
15.6.7. Using Video Playback with Couples
Since video feedback is such an important and powerful tool to use with our
couples, it is good to discuss the technical components necessary.
In order to use replay feedback, your camera must be linked directly to a

monitor. Modern flat screen televisions and external computer monitors are
basically the same these days. If you link your computer to an external monitor,
you may be able to link your video camera to that same device.
Video cameras that use DV tapes do not have a high definition (HDMI) output,
but rather rely on an analog cable such as this one. Connect to the monitor by
matching the colors. If your monitor only has two connections that means it isn’t
stereo. Not a problem, just connect the yellow video and either of the others to
the “audio in” connection.
Many modern monitors and televisions no longer accept these cables however.
An SD camcorder will most likely have an HDMI output and all modern High
Definition devices accept HDMI.
In order to use the instant playback needed you will need to use the playback
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mode on the camera itself since there is no time to download the file to the
computer for playback. Since today’s monitors and televisions are made to
receive from multiple sources, we have to set the monitor to the proper input
source in order to play from the camera. The remote control will have a
“source” button which allows you to scroll through the different options until
you find the one to which your camera is connected.
Now that you have your camera connected to the monitor and the monitor set to
the proper source all that you need to do is stop the recording, switch the camera
to playback mode, rewind the video and play the portion you want your clients
to see. It is a good to practice this beforehand since using a camera in playback
mode can be tricky at times.
One final warning, you want to make sure your monitor is off or muted whenever
your camera is in record mode. If both the monitor’s sound and the record mode
of the camera are on at the same time you will get a loud audio feedback.
15.7. HIPAA Summary

The Gottman Institute (TGI) is a psycho-educational organization and thus is not
bound by HIPAA laws and regulations. Nevertheless, we desire that therapists
associated with TGI conform to the highest legal and ethical standards.
HIPAA compliance is always the responsibility of the individual therapist;

therefore, it is up to each therapist to decide whether or not they wish to transmit
their files electronically to their consultant and/or video reviewer, based on a full
understanding of the relevant factors.
For therapists who prefer to submit videos online, TGI has entered into a HIPAA
compliant business agreement with Box.com. Using this online service will
allow you to share videos with your consultant simply and securely.
Still, the responsibility for insuring the HIPAA compliance of all healthcare
information, including the use, transmission, storage and deletion of videotapes,
lies with the therapist. If the therapist is uncomfortable guaranteeing the security
of the entire chain of electronic videotape transactions, then he or she may opt
out of TGI’s cloud-based option.
The following is meant to provide you with a context for understanding relevant
factors with regard to HIPAA compliance. It is not legal advice, nor is it
meant to represent the entire universe of what must be done to achieve HIPAA
compliance. This document is meant for informational purposes only and is
not meant to replace a legal opinion or review from a qualified privacy and/
or security expert. The Gottman Institute will not accept any liability for any
actions or omissions on the part of the reader in complying with the HIPAA
Security Rule, the HIPAA Privacy Rule, HITECH, PCI, any applicable laws or
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statutes established by any federal or state legal authority. The bottom

line: data protection and legal compliance is your responsibility, and
yours alone.
What is Protected Health Information (PHI)
Under the US Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act

(HIPAA), PHI that is linked, based on the following list of 18 identifiers,
must be treated with special care:
• Names
• All geographical identifiers smaller than a state, except
for the initial three digits of a zip code if, according to
the current publicly available data from the Bureau of
the Census: the geographic unit formed by combining
all zip codes with the same three initial digits contains
more than 20,000 people; and [t]he initial three digits
of a zip code for all such geographic units containing
20,000 or fewer people is changed to 000
• Dates (other than year) directly related to an individual
• Phone numbers
• Fax numbers
• Email addresses
• Social Security numbers
• Medical record numbers
• Health insurance beneficiary numbers
• Account numbers
• Certificate/license numbers
• Vehicle identifiers and serial numbers, including license
plate numbers;
• Device identifiers and serial numbers;
• Web Uniform Resource Locators (URLs)
• Internet Protocol (IP) address numbers
• Biometric identifiers, including finger, retinal and voice
prints
• Full face photographic images and any comparable
images
• Any other unique identifying number, characteristic,
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or code except the unique code assigned by the

investigator to code the data
Where is your PHI?
Consider all of the places where you store any of the PHI listed above.
Here is a common list of places:
• Desktop computers
• Laptop computers
• Servers in your office
• Servers at a vendor or off-site location
• Emails you send internally
• Emails you send externally
• File sharing sites like Dropbox or Google Drive
• Business applications like Salesforce.com, electronic
medical records, etc.
• Mobile devices like iPhones, Androids, or tablets
• Fax machines / Photocopiers / Scanners
• Old school tech like pagers, dictation machines, etc.
• File room(s) or Filing cabinets in hallways or people’s
offices
• Paper files stored off-site
• Backup files on-site or off-site
• USB / thumb drives
• Medical devices (like x-ray machines, EKG, EEG, etc.)
• In a website you run or someone runs on your behalf
• In a database you run or someone runs on your behalf
• Transcriptionist service
• Billing service
• Collections service
• Hosted EMR / EHR provider
• E-Prescriptions
• Electronic Vaccine Records Exchanges
• Hosted Email Service
15-34
• Hosted Fax Service

• Hosted Online Document Storage Service
• IT company / person
• Anywhere else?
Is your PHI at risk?
Think through all of the ways that your PHI could be accidentally lost
or deliberately stolen. Consider the following real-world risks. (Any of
the items marked with an asterisk (*) are risks that have led to HIPAA
violations and fines from the Dept. of Health and Human Services)
• *Someone takes PHI when an employee’s laptop is lost

or stolen
• *Someone takes PHI when an employee’s USB drive is
lost or stolen
• Someone takes PHI when an employee’s smartphone/
tablet is lost or stolen
• *Someone takes PHI when it’s printed out and not
properly shredded
• *Your PHI is stolen from a third party vendor
• Someone other than your recipient receives PHI via
email
• *Someone breaks into your practice and steals a
computer with PHI on it
• Someone steals paper PHI from your practice
• *Your practice sells or disposes of a hard drive with
PHI on it
• *Your practice hires a bad employee and gives them
access to PHI
• Your practice fires an employee and they take PHI after
being fired
• A hacker tricks an employee into installing malware to
steal PHI via phishing
• A hacker tricks an employee into installing malware to
steal PHI via drive-by malware
• A hacker logs in to your network to steal PHI
15-35
• *Someone logs into a hosted service that contains PHI

(like an email account, calendar system, or hosted EMR
system)
• A hacker breaks into your website to steal PHI
• *A disaster leaves your PHI open to being lost or stolen
• *Employees take PHI through a USB drive
• Employees take PHI through their work email address
• Employees take PHI through their personal email
address
• Employees take PHI through a file sharing site (like
Dropbox)
• Employees take PHI by printing it out
• Employees take PHI by taking pictures of a screen
• Employees take PHI through instant messaging (like
Skype)
By combining the places where you store PHI and the risks that threaten
your PHI, you’ll be able to start to build a plan for the ways to protect
your PHI.
Regarding Computer Security
Computer security is a topic that seems to grow more and more

confusing by the day. Ultimately, it’s your decision to make. However,
every single one of the following recommendations is in place in large
organizations with a mature HIPAA compliance program.
If you regularly send PHI via email:
• Get written consent from patient to communicate via

email or SMS
• Automatic email signature that reminds people that
email is insecure, and to delete email not meant for
them
• Encrypted connection between your computer and
email server
• Manual process to protect all PHI with encryption and a
strong password
OR
15-36
• Service that lets you manually encrypt emails
OR
• Email service that scans outbound email for PHI and

automatically encrypts or blocks it Internal email
containing PHI encrypted
• Email provider willing to sign a HIPAA Business
Associate Agreement.
• Clear policy and training on securely sending PHI via
email and sanctions policy of what will happen if policy
isn’t followed
If you store PHI on laptops:
• Deploy whole disk encryption on every laptop

• Make sure the password that controls encryption is
strong AND unique
• Keep records of every encrypted laptop
OR
• Use a monitoring/scanning utility to confirm all practice

computers are encrypted
• Install a utility that tracks the location of computer if
lost / stolen
• Put an asset tag, engraving, and/or locked screen
message that lets someone return a found laptop to your
practice
• Automatic scanner to identify what PHI is stored on the
laptop
• Clear policy and training about how to protect laptops
away from the office and sanctions policy of what will
happen if policy isn’t followed
If you use USB drives:
• Deploy encryption on every USB drive

strong AND unique
• Keep records of every encrypted drive
15-37
• OR
• Use a monitoring utility to confirm all USB drives that
are inserted are encrypted
• Clear policy and training about how to protect USB
drives in and away from the office and sanctions policy
of what will happen if policy isn’t followed
If you use smartphone/tablets:
• Deploy encryption on every smartphone/tablet with PHI

• Make sure that the device is protected by a strong,
unique password
• Keep records on all encrypted, password-protected
devices
• OR
• Use a mobile device management (MDM) system to
remotely manage all devices
• Install a utility that lets you track and/or remotely wipe
any lost or stolen device. Many MDM systems have
this capability.
• Clear policy and training on accessing PHI from
smartphone/tablet
• Clear policy and training on protection of smartphone/
tablet and sanctions policy of what will happen if policy
isn’t followed
If you store PHI on any computers (desktops, laptops, etc.) and

there’s any risk of a smash-and-grab break-in:
• Deploy whole disk encryption on every computer

strong AND unique
• Keep records of every encrypted computer
OR
• Use a monitoring/scanning utility to confirm all practice

computers are encrypted
• Install a utility that tracks the location of computer if
lost / stolen
15-38
• Put an asset tag, engraving, and/or locked screen

message that lets someone return a found computer to
your practice
• Automatic scanner to identify what PHI is stored on
each computer
• All computers set to lock after 10 minutes of inactivity.
• Cable lock or locked drawer to protect computer from
theft
• No obvious signage on computer room doors
• Unique locking mechanism on computer room
• Clear policy and training about how to protect
computers while in the office and sanctions policy of
what will happen if policy isn’t followed
• Perform an annual physical security risk assessment.
• You must carefully wipe and manage any computer
hard drives, even those in non- obvious places like
backups, photocopiers, fax machines, etc.
• Utility to securely wipe all hard drives before being
sold, reused, or disposed of
• Inventory of all hard drives containing PHI
• Procedure to follow to securely wipe drives
• Be sure to extend this to non-obvious drives like
photocopiers, scanners, printers, etc.
• Process to follow to physically destroy drives if they
can’t be wiped
• Clear policy and training about how to handle PHI-
containing drives and sanctions policy of what will
happen if policy isn’t followed
For all employees who have email accounts (to minimize risk of
phishing):
• Antivirus program on every computer that scans emails

and auto-updates
• Every computer set up to use a non-admin account for
day-to-day use
• Operating system set to automatically update when a
new update comes out
15-39
• Auto-patching service that scans your computer for out-

of-date software and automatically patches them
• Add-on service for your email that scans all inbound
and outbound messages for malware.
• Training multiple times a year for employees on how to
spot a phishing message.
• Strong, different passwords for key systems (email,
encryption, EHR/EMR, online banking, etc.). Use a
password manager to help you remember them and
create strong passwords.
• Monitoring of server and network log files for
suspicious activity that might be malware.
• Monitoring of end user computer use for suspicious
activity that might be malware.
For all employees who are allowed to access websites from work (to
minimize risk of drive-by malware):
• Antivirus program or browser add-in on every computer

that scans websites for malware
• Every computer set up to use a non-admin account for
day-to-day use
• Operating system set to automatically update when a
new update comes out
• Auto-patching service that scans your computer for out-
of-date software and automatically patches them
• Strong, different passwords for key systems (email,
encryption, EHR/EMR, online banking, etc.). Use a
password manager to help you remember them and
create strong passwords.
suspicious activity that might be malware. Monitoring
of end user computer use for suspicious activity that
might be malware.
• Train your employees on drive-by malware. Train your
employees on the safe use of social media
AND/OR
• Block the use of social media at work
15-40
For all companies with more than one computer:
• Follow the recommendations in the previous two

sections. Malware is a common way that hackers get
access to your network.
• Use a highly rated firewall (next-generation firewalls
even better) with Intrusion Detection / Intrusion
Prevention service enabled.
• Test your firewall from outside periodically to confirm
that a hacker can’t see any holes.
• No pirated apps, movies, or music anywhere on your
network; pirated software is a common way that
malware spreads
suspicious activity that might be malware.
• Monitoring of end user computer use for suspicious
activity that might be malware
• Passwords of all network devices (firewalls, routers,
switches, wifi, etc.) changed to be strong and
non-default.
• Shared directories disabled if not actively needed.
• Network Access Control (NAC) used to control
which devices can access network (typically in larger
companies).
• Wifi network has WPA or WPA2 encryption, 256-bit.
• Any remote access (VPN, Remote Workplace, etc.) uses
multi-factor authentication and encryption.
For every vendor-hosted service that you use that contains PHI
(like an email service, a calendaring service, a hosted EMR/EHR –
basically anything on the Internet):
• Follow all of the steps to protect your computer against

malware in the preceding three sections. Malware is
often how criminals get your username and password.
• Enable multi-factor authentication for any services
that use it. Common examples include PayPal, Gmail,
Office365, etc.
• Encourage any vendors who store PHI on your behalf
(e.g., a hosted email provider, a hosted EMR/EHR) to
15-41
start offering multi-factor authentication.

• Use strong, unique passwords for each service so that
one compromised password can’t give a hacker access
to other services.
• Make sure you have a signed HIPAA Business
Associate Agreement in place for all vendors that have
your PHI. If they won’t sign one, find a new vendor!
• This applies to hosted fax services too
Don’t forget backups:
• Use an automatic, encrypted service to back up your

computer files
• If you do manual backups, make sure they’re encrypted,
inventoried, and physically locked
• Tested secure access to PHI from alternate work
location.
• Periodically test your disaster plan to identify shortfalls
and issues before they arise.
Accepting a Risk
As you review these recommendations, you will inevitably decide that

some risks are just too expensive to address vs. the level of risk to your
practice. For example, let’s say your practice is in an incredibly low
crime area. While one could argue that there is always a possibility of a
break-in, you decide that it’s highly unlikely given the low rate of crime.
Spending thousands of dollars on alarms, security cameras, and locks just
doesn’t make sense.
This is called “accepting a risk.” You’ve considered it, you’ve researched

it, and you’ve made an educated decision not to spend time and money
fighting this risk right now. This is a perfectly acceptable approach to risk
management, provided (1) you’re confident in the data you used to make
your decision, (2) you document your decision somewhere along with the
data you used, and (3) you give yourself a reminder to revisit the risk if
circumstances in change or sometime in the future.
15-42
Self-Reporting Reporting Violation Regulations
According to the new HIPAA HITECH regulations, you are legally

obliged to report to the US Department of Health and Human Services
every time one of your employees loses or accidentally shares
information about 500 or more individuals at one time. In such a case
not only can you be fined up to $1.5 million, but you are also exposed
to unlimited privacy breach liabilities. Not surprisingly, over 60% of
HIPAA violations reported by the Department of Health occur as a
result of lost or stolen devices. This problem is seriously exacerbated by
cloud file sharing services, where a single device can be synchronized to
thousands of files with PHI.
CONCLUSION
Many healthcare organizations are faced with the following dilemma:

Should we ban cloud file sharing, or enable it while accepting the
increased legal liabilities? TGI is committed to providing support and
context for clinicians to enjoy the convenience of digital communication
while still mitigating risk. The bottom line remains: Data protection and
legal compliance is your responsibility, and yours alone.
_______________________________________________
If you would like more information about HIPAA compliance and

security, consider contacting Adelia Risk (www.adeliarisk.com / 888-
646-1616 / sales@adeliarisk.com). Josh has been a very helpful resource
in constructing this document and is well versed in issues of technology
and HIPAA compliance.
15-43
15.8. PROFESSIONAL OPPORTUNITIES FOR CERTIFIED

GOTTMAN THERAPISTS
As a Certified Gottman Therapist, you will be able to present yourself

to your clients and to your community as a Certified Gottman Therapist.
When couples, the media and professional groups in your area hear or
read about The Gottman Institute and/or Drs. John and Julie Gottman,
they may seek a therapist or speaker certified in Gottman Method
Couples Therapy.
You may join the Gottman Referral Network and advertise yourself as a
Certified Gottman Therapist:
• On The Gottman Referral Network website, www.

gottmanreferralnetwork.com, with the option of including your photo,
bio and link to your website.
• In our Provider Directory, distributed to over 2,000 individuals per
year who participate in The Art & Science of Love Weekend Workshop
for Couples.
You will receive an invitation to attend a complimentary workshop of
The Art and Science of Love Weekend Workshop for Couples, with your
spouse/partner, led by Drs. John and Julie Gottman in Seattle, WA.
You will receive priority status to serve as a paid “Roving Therapist” at

The Art and Science of Love Weekend Workshop for Couples in Seattle
with Drs. John and Julie Gottman or throughout North America with
other Certified Art & Science of Love Workshop Leaders. Couples
workshops facilitated by John and Julie Gottman attracts an average of
200 couples and requires the help of 25 Certified Gottman Therapists
to assist couples at the workshop. Once you have served at one Seattle-
based workshop as a “Shadow” you are eligible to serve as a paid
“Roving Therapist.”
You may receive training to become a Certified Art & Science of Love
Workshop Leader. Workshop Leaders are now offering The Art and
Science of Love Weekend Workshop for Couples in many locations
throughout the United States and Canada.
You will receive an invitation to attend new and special events sponsored
by The Gottman Institute to further your ongoing clinical skills
development within a warm, supportive professional community of like-
minded clinicians.
15-44
What Are Clinicians Saying About Our Training?
Beginning therapists often ask, “Do Gottman therapists really use all these
tools?” and “How do clients react to these questionnaires and heart rate
monitors?” I am here to say “Yes” and “With relief!” I use every tool, gratefully
(because they work)! Working toward and achieving certification has been one of
the very best self care investments of my professional life. Getting certified was
a pretty large undertaking, but The Gottman Relationship Institute provides the
perfect blend of intellectual stimulation and support for me as a clinician.
–SUZANNE PRATT, LCSW, SALT LAKE CITY, UT
When I’m working with couples I now have much more confidence that I’m
offering them the best treatment available. This makes my work day much more
alive and creative. No “stuck” moments where I have no idea what to do.
–DAVID BRICKER, PH.D., NEW YORK, NY
Through the professional training, encouragement, and opportunities provided

by The Gottman Relationship Institute, I’ve expanded my potential as a trainer,
leader, and presenter. I highly recommend the Gottman Relationship Institute’s
training programs as a way to discover one’s full professional potential.
–NINA GRUENBERGER, LCSW, CARMICHAEL, CA
As a Certified Gottman Couples Therapist, I have found new creativity and

energy in my practice. I have become known for my expertise in working
with couples from this research-based approach and have a steady stream of
referrals from colleagues.
—LYNDA VOORHEES, LMFT, SAN FRANCISCO BAY AREA, CA
This certification has boosted my visibility and credibility in the community and
increased referrals to my practice a great deal.
—VAGDEVI MEUNIER, PSY.D., AUSTIN, TX
16-1
16. Assessment, Intervention, and Co-Morbidities Slides
Chapter 1
Basic Observation
7 Fundamental Expressions of Emotion
1. Fear 5. Surprise
2. Sadness 6. Happiness
3. Disgust 7. Contempt
4. Anger
16-2
FEAR
SADNESS
DISGUST
16-3
ANGER
SURPRISE
CONTEMPT
16-4
HAPPINESS
10
Example: AU4
brows down + together,

vertical furrow
11
Example: AU 1+4
brows together,
inner brow raise,
inverted “U”
12
16-5
Chapter 2
Tension in the Voice
13
Type 1: Speech Disturbances
Neutral (“Ah-Disturbance”)
o “Ah” “er” “um”
o Provide speaker with thinking time
o Keeping the floor
14
“Non-ah-disturbances” = tension
o Repetition mid-sentence
o Topic change mid-sentence
o Stuttering
o Omissions
o Incomplete sentence
o Slips
o Intruding incoherent sounds
15
16-6
Type 2: Fundamental Frequency Shift
Frequency shifts upward when people are tense
16
Chapter 3
The Words Themselves
• How people tell their stories

• What emotion do you get?
17
Chapter 4
Bids & Turning
18
16-7
Request for partner’s…

• Attention
• Interest
• Engagement
• Mirroring Affect
• Support
19
Types
• Silent Bid
• Comment
• Question
• Playful Bid
• Negative Bid
20
Turning Against Response

• Contempt
• Belligerence
• Domineering
• Criticism
• Defensiveness
21
16-8
FILM
Spain Without Interest (Before 9/11 Attack)
Bread With Interest
22
FILM
Greg and Jennie
23
Chapter 5
Assessment Overview
24
16-9
Assessment Session 1:
Couple’s Narrative
Build rapport, empathize
Conflict Discussion
Don’t Intervene
25
Chapter 6
26
Oral History
• Fondness & Admiration
• Negativity Toward Partner
• We-ness vs. Separateness
• Expansiveness vs. Withdrawal
• Chaos
• Glorifying the Struggle
• Disappointment / Disillusion 27
16-10
FILM
Oral History Interview Samples
28
Chapter 7
Evaluating Conflict Management
29
Conflict Discussion
• Sample of how they talk about problems

• Pulse oximeter - measure heart rate
• Videotape, do not intervene
30
1
16-11
Getting Conflict Avoiders To Conflict

• Gottman Perpetual Problems List – p. 12-91
• Agree to Disagree?
• Upcoming, potentially stressful event?
31
Observing Conflict
• Start-up (Gentle and Harsh)
• Repair (Effective and Ineffective) – Section 7.4.
• Accepting and Rejecting Influence
• Compromise
• Gridlock
32
Observing Symbolic Conflict

Section 7.3.
Transcript, page 7-4
33
1
16-12
Observing Symbolic Conflict
• 70% problems = Perpetual

• Gridlock = a deeper symbolic meaning
34
FILM
Initial Session – Michael & Trudi
35
Oral History Interview, p. 6-9
1
16-13
Chapter 8
Assessment Session #2: Individual Interviews
• Build Rapport
• Get to Know Each Partner
• No Secrets
• Perspective on Relationship
37
Build Rapport
Assess Commitment
Family of Origin
Physical Abuse
Unwanted Touch - Sexual Abuse
Substance Abuse
Prior Therapy
Affair
Unwanted Touch – Domestic Violence
38
FILM
Assessment Session #2 - Individual Sessions
39
1
16-14
Chapter 9
Core Assessment Questionnaires
40
• Locke-Wallace
• Weiss-Cerretto
• SRH Questionnaires (5-item Scale)
• Gottman 19 Areas Checklist
• Three “Detour” Scales
• Gottman Emotional Abuse Questionnaire (EAQ)
• Control, Fear, Suicide Potential, and Acts of Physical
Aggression
• SCL-90
• CAGE-AID and b-MAST
41
Scoring & Interpreting Questionnaires

Section 9.3.
Interpretation Guidelines, p. 9-60
Scoring Summary Sheet, p. 9-61
42
1
16-15
Chapter 10
Assessment Session #3: Feedback & Treatment Planning
Checklist for Relationship Assessment, p. 10-7

Sound Relationship House
43
Page 10-13
Section 10.3.
44
Gottman Treatment Plan, Section 10.5.
1
16-16
FILM
Masters & Disasters
• Love Maps
• Turning Toward/Away
• The Perspective
• Regulation of Conflict
o Dialogue with Perpetual Problems
o Solvable Problems
• Honoring dreams
• Creating Shared Meaning 46
Feedback Session Benchmarks

Section 10.4., p. 10-12
47
ROLE PLAY DEMONSTRATION

Feedback Session
• Love Maps
• Turning Toward/Away
• The Perspective
• Regulation of Conflict
o Dialogue with Perpetual Problems
o Solvable Problems
• Honoring dreams
• Creating Shared Meaning 48
1
16-17
GROUP ROLE PLAY PRACTICE

Feedback Session, p 10-15
49
1
16-18
I Feel…
State what you feel w/ “I” statement. Example: I feel upset…
About What…
Describe the facts. Describe “it,” not your partner
I need…
Tell your partner what you need to make it better.
Be Polite
Give Appreciations
52
Introducing Steve and Crysta
53
Steve and Crysta’s Scoring Summary Sheet

p. 10-16
54
1
16-19
FILM
Family Dinner
55
Four Horsemen and Their Antidotes

p. 11-31
56
57
1
16-20
58
59
60
2
16-21
61
FILM
Four Horsemen Examples
62
Four Horsemen Benchmarks, p. 11-31

• Stop couple’s interaction when one partner exhibits a Four
Horsemen.
• Short explanation of why you stopped them.
• Explain antidote clearly and accurately.
• Briefly share relevant, accurate research findings when appropriate.
• Alternative way to express him- or herself using antidote.
• Re-direct couple to resume discussion.
63
2
16-22
Flooding - Self-Soothing
p. 11-37
Managing Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA)
64
Effective Break:
Immediate
20-25 minutes before re-uniting
Don’t ruminate
65
Flooding Benchmarks
Full description, p. 11-37
66
2
16-23
• Stop interaction. Identify flooding. Pulse check. Above

100bpm (80 if athletic).
• Explain flooding clearly, sensitively, using only a few words.
• Guide one or both partners through relaxation exercise

before continuing.
• Relaxation techniques may include breathing, muscle

tensing-relaxing, heaviness, warmth and/or imagery.
67
FILM
Flooding and Soothing
68

Flooding and Soothing, p. 11-43
69
2
16-24
Gottman-Rapoport Intervention
Full description – p. 11-45
70
• Understanding Must Precede Persuasion and Problem-

Solving
• Assumption Of Similarity
71
Speaker:
Gentle Start-up
Positive Need
72
2
16-25
Listener:
Take Notes
Postpone agenda, listen with empathy
Validate
73
FILM
Gottman-Rapoport
74

Gottman-Rapoport, p. 11-47
75
2
16-26
Dan Wile Intervention

Full description - p. 11-49
76
• Speak for each

• Kneel beside them, don’t stand over them, be at least eye
level
• Interrupt Attack – Defend
• Have client say it in his or her own words (transfers skill to
client)
77
FILM
Dan Wile Intervention
78
2
16-27

Dan Wile Intervention, p. 11-51
79
Internal Working Model

80
• Explore the client’s history that relates to resistance
• Find out how the meaning of that history affects their view
of the relationship.
• Wounding and healing? Survival mechanism that is now

related to resistance?
81
2
16-28
Examples:
• Fondness and admiration = manipulation
• Turning Towards = fears of abandonment
• Any conflict = danger, violence
• Dreams = foolish, or disappointed in major ways
82
FILM
Internal Working Model
83
Compromise
84
16-29
• For either solvable or perpetual/gridlocked problem.
• Both partners must feel understood before compromise

(Gottman-Rapoport Intervention, Dream Within Conflict)
• Perpetual/gridlocked issues = reach a temporary or partial

compromise on part of the larger issue.
• Gridlocked during Compromise? Do a Dreams Within

Conflict before proceeding.
85
Compromise Benchmarks
86
• Give compromise ovals handout to each partner
• Write down core need or dream in smaller circle
• Write down areas flexibility in larger circle
• Getting to “Yes”
87
2
16-30
FILM
Compromise
88

Compromise, p. 11-59
89

Full Description - p. 11-63
90
3
16-31
Sample Questions and Sample Dreams (p. 11-66):

o Dream Catcher (Listener)
o Dream Speaker
91
Dreams Within Conflict Goals:

o Postpone persuasion or problem-solving
o Deepen understanding of issue
92
• Speaker-Listener structure
• Speaker’s job, refer to Sample Dreams
• Listener’s job, refer to Sample Questions
• Coach one partner to ask the other partner questions from
the handout.
• For very difficult cases – ok for therapist to address
questions to Speaker. But try to keep it dyadic.
• Switch roles
93
3
16-32
FILM
94

Dreams Within Conflict, p. 11-67
95
Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident

Description begins on p. 11-69
Booklets available on
www.gottman.com
96
3
16-33
Step One – Feelings, p. 11-72

Step Two – Subjective Realities, p. 11-73
Step Three – Triggers, p. 11-74
Step Four – Taking Responsibility, p. 11-75
Step Five – Constructive Plan, p. 11-76
97
FILM
Demonstrating Steps One, Two, and Four
(Step Three – Triggers, not shown)
98

Aftermath of a Fight, p. 11-77
99
3
16-34
Overview: Friendship & Romance

• Integrate into treatment
• As important as conflict interventions
• Change how couple moves through time
• Change how couple sets priorities, engage, and connect
100
Sample of Friendship Interventions

• Love Map Exercise, p. 12-5
• Ask Open-Ended Questions
• Rituals of Connection
• “GottSex” Seven Exercises
• Three skills for intimate conversation

101
Gottman Card Decks in iTunes App Store
102
3
16-35
Sample of Turning Towards Interventions

• Behavior Exchange, p. 12-39
• Stress Reducing Conversation, p. 11-15
• ”Who Does What” – Negotiating Power, p. 12-47
• Aftermath of Failed Bids, p. 12-53
• Salsa Cards, p. 12-73
103
“I Appreciate…” Adjective Checklist

104
FILM
Working on Fondness & Admiration: “I Appreciate…”
Exercise
105
3
16-36
Stress Reducing Conversation

106
FILM
Stress Reducing Conversation
107

Stress Reducing Conversation, p. 11-19
108
3
16-37
Build Rituals of Connection

109
• Create meaning, traditions in the relationship
• The Intentional Family by William Doherty
• Formalized turning towards
• Informal rituals of connection
• Help with friendship and meaning
110
FILM
Build Rituals of Connection
111
16-38
Monogamy in Heterosexual Couples

• Social
• Reproductive
• Sexual
113
• 89% get married by age 49 (social monogamy)

• 96 to 98% genetic monogamy
• 10-15% women, 15-43% men sexually unfaithful
• Majority sexually monogamous
114
3
16-39
Advantages
• Live longer ≈ 10 years
• Stay physically healthier
• Recover from illnesses faster
• Become wealthier
• Children do much better (into their 50s)
• Brain comfort during fear
115
How Often Do Affairs Happen?

22 % men; 14% women
12/21/98 report in USA Today on national study by UCSF
116
10% last 1 day

10% last 1+ day but less than 1 month
50% last 1+ month but less than 1 year
30% last 2+ years
Few extramarital affairs last 4+ years
117
3
16-40
• 70% women, 54% men did not know about affair.

• 85% women who suspect cheating are right.
• 50% men who suspect cheating are right.
118
How Many Affairs Become Lasting Relationships?
• 3% men married affair partner (Jan Halper)

• Divorce rate 75%
• Major reason for the divorce? They don’t trust their partner.
(Frank Pittman)
119
Three “Metrics” Or Ways of Measuring In Any

Interaction.
• Trust
• Fairness
• Betrayal
Lack of Trust not same as Betrayal

120
4
16-41
Love has three phases
• PHASE 1: Falling in love - “Limerence”

• PHASE 2: Trust – Are you there for me?
• PHASE 3: Commitment – Loyalty VS. Betrayal
121
The Physiology of Falling In Love

DHEA (dehydro-epi-androsterone)
• natural amphetamine high
• readiness for sex
• mind is going fast
122
Pheromones
• sex scents
• smell
• attraction
• intoxication
123
4
16-42
Oxytocin
• touch
• cuddle hormone
• bonding
• reduces fear
• reduces good judgment
124
PEA (phenyl-ethyl-amine)
• spikes at ovulation
• regulates approach, romance
• love at first sight
• magnetic pull of limerence
125
Estrogen
• softness
• receptivity
126
4
16-43
Testosterone
• aggressive sexual desire
• lust
• seeking novel sex
127
Serotonin
• emotional sensitivity
• dampens irritability
128
Dopamine
• excitement
• pleasure
• risk taking
• anticipation of reward
• something wonderful is about to happen
129
4
16-44
Progesterone
• sedating
• calming
• needs to be inhibited
130
Prolactin
• reduces aggression
• increases nurturance
131
Vasopressin
• monogamy molecule
• aggressive possessiveness in males
132
4
16-45
133
Trust is Built by
• “Attunement;” Being There For One Another
• Repairing When Communication Gets Messed Up. Fully

“process” negative feelings/events
• Fairness
134
Will You Be There For Me?

Can I Talk To You?
Will You Listen and Empathize?
135
4
16-46
Six “Emotional Command” Systems (Panksepp)

1. Explorer (Seeking, adventure, learning together)
2. Sentry (Safety, reducing fear)
3. Nest Builder (Emotional closeness, give/receive care)
4. Jester (Fun, humor, surprise, play)
5. Commander-in-Chief (Power, dominance, fairness)
6. Sensualist (Sensuality, orgasm)
136
Trust is Built by

• Fairness
137
When One Partner Turns Away
“NOT FULLY PROCESSED”

• Regrettable incident sits between partners, festers
• Feels like a stone in your shoe
• Rumination on unprocessed, unfinished negative affect
events. (ZEIGARNIK EFFECT)
138
4
16-47
When One Partner Turns Away
“FULLY PROCESSED”
• Repaired regrettable incidents
• Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident
139
Build Trust – “ATTUNE”
A = Awareness Of Partner’s Emotions

T = Turning Toward
T = Tolerance
U = Understanding
N = Non-defensive Responding
E = Empathy
140
Trust is Built by

• Fairness
141
4
16-48
Fairness Metric
• Gottman & Murray mathematical modeling power equity
• Trust occurs more easily when there is equal power
between partners
142
Will you make a life-long commitment to me?

- OR -
Will you keep making negative comparisons between me and
real or imagined alternate partner?
143
THE GERM OF DISTRUST IS NOT THE SAME AS THE

GERM OF BETRAYAL
That’s why there are 3 phases of love instead of 2.
144
4
16-49
What begins the cascade toward betrayal?
NEGATIVE COMPARISONS
145
What is a NEGATIVE COMP? (Caryl Rusbult)

• UNFAVORABLY judging a behavior exchange
• Comparing it with real or imagined alternatives
• “I can do better with somebody else”
146
“GERM OF BETRAYAL”
• NEGATIVE COMP: “I CAN DO BETTER”
• Turning away from partner’s need
147
4
16-50
Shirley Glass, Not Just Friends
Took affairs out of the pulpit and into the clinical and social
psychology laboratory.
148
The 24-Step Gottman-Rusbult-Glass (GRG)

Cascade Toward Betrayal
149
1. Turning away or against

2. NEGATIVE COMPs with turning away/against
3. Not “there for me” (turning away 86%). Emotional
distance
4. More Flooding occurs w/ negative events.
5. Conflict absorbing state. Repair does not work.
6. Blow-ups. Avoids conflict. Suppresses negative affect.
150
5
16-51
7. Avoids self-disclosure. Secrets; deception

8. Bidding for attunement declines.
9. Invest less in relationship. Loneliness increases.
10. Less dependency on relationship to get needs met.
Confiding in others, not partner.
11. Less sacrificing. SUBSTITUTING (find what’s not there
elsewhere).
151
12. Maximizing partner’s negative traits. Defensiveness

begins.
13. Minimizing partner’s positive traits. Criticism begins.
Takes no responsibility for problems.
14. “Trashing” versus “cherishing”. Contempt begins.
Shared Meaning erodes.
15. Trashing partner to others. Story of Us goes negative.
152
16. Builds resentment. Sees partner as SELFISH.

Stonewalling starts.
17. More loneliness. Vulnerability to other relationships
starts.
18. Partner refusing sex becomes punishing. Low sexual
desire. Porn use may increase.
153
16-52
19. Less pro-relationship, more anti-relationship thoughts

20. Starts innocent new secret liaisons.
21. Reverses “walls & windows” (Shirley Glass). Fence
between self and partner
22. Keeping more and more secrets from partner. Deception
increases.
154
23. Actively turning toward others for needs. Seeking what’s

not in relationship.
24. Crossing boundaries. Real betrayal unfolds. Deception
becomes way of life. Risky.
155
ATONE-ATTUNE-ATTACH Therapy:
Healing From an Affair
156
5
16-53
ASSESSMENT
• Session 1: Couple’s narrative, Oral History, conflict sample,
Gottman Questionnaire package
• Session 2: Individual interviews. No secrets
• Session 3: Feedback
157
• Talk about PTSD

• Make sure affair is really over, or don’t do therapy
• May need individual sessions with betrayer about grief in
losing affair partner. Express empathy.
• Every level of SRH destroyed.
• Marriage #1 is over. Build Marriage #2
• Outline overall therapy to clients
158
PHASE 1: Atone
• Explain, explore hurt partner’s PTSD.
• Hurt partner asks any questions s/he wants about affair(s)
• Betrayer answers honestly
• Encourage betrayer to avoid sex-related questions; can
worsen PTSD
• Spend as much time as betrayed person needs
• Do NOT examine why affair happened in this phase
159
5
16-54
Listening To Hurt Partner’s Emotions

• Encourage to discuss affair in session at first
• “Voice dump” on therapist’s voicemail or in journal.
• Expressing negative emotions okay, but not Four
Horsemen
160
Explore Atonement Needs
• What kind of atonement does hurt partner need?

• What kind of transparency does hurt partner need?
161
Tools for Atone Phase
• Gottman-Rapoport Intervention
• Dealing With Flooding (diffuse physiological arousal)
• Antidotes for the 4 Horsemen
• Questions Regarding Affair (created by betrayed partner)
• Recognizing hurt partner’s PTSD reactions
162
16-55
Tools for Atone Phase
• Dan Wile Intervention

• Expressing needs card deck
• Giving appreciations card deck
• The stress reducing conversation
• Open-ended questions card deck
163
PHASE 2: Attune
• Build Marriage #2
• Open-Ended questions
• Expressing Needs
• Explore other Regrettable Incidents
• Process conflict differently
• Turn towards, rituals of connection, how to honor each
other
164
PHASE 3: Attach
• Intimate conversation w/ GottSex Kit.
• Hurt partner in charge of timing.
• Re-build new shared meaning system.
165
5
16-56
CASE PRESENTATION – ROSE & DAVID
166
• Substance misuse causes more deaths/disabilities per

year in U.S. than from any other cause
• About 17.4 million Americans have alcohol problems, 1/12
adults; 1/3 women
• Death rates for women 50-100% higher than men
• About 5 – 6 million Americans have drug problems
• > 50% all adults have family history
168
5
16-57
Impact of Addiction
• Alcoholic families as more troubled than nonalcoholic
families:
• boundaries, adaptability, cohesiveness, interactional
patterns, distribution of power
• Separation & divorce rates 4x higher than general
population
169
DSM-V
• “Addiction” now used in diagnosis
• Gambling disorder under behavioral addiction
• Craving added as category
• Early Remission: at least 3 months sobriety but less than
12 months
• Sustained Remission: at least 12 months
• Distinction btw abuse and dependency removed
• Substance Use Disorder
170
American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM)

• Primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation,
memory, and related circuitry
• Biopsychosocial-Spiritual Model
• Characterized by cycles of relapse and remission
o Durable recovery = 4-6 years of continuous sobriety.
o 15% will relapse
o 60% will remit some time for at least a year
171
5
16-58
American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM)

“Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently
abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished
recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and
interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional
response.”
172
Biopsychosocial-Spiritual Model of Addiction

• Addiction as a brain disorder
• Dopamine hypotheses
• Genetic predisposition
o 89 genes linked to substance dependence
• Environmental factors
173
174
5
16-59
175
176
177
5
16-60
178
179
180
6
16-61
Dopamine D2 Receptors are Lower in Addiction

Cocaine DA D2 Receptor Availability
Control Addicted
181

Methamphetamine DA D2 Receptor Availability
Control Addicted
182

Alcohol DA D2 Receptor Availability
Control Addicted
183
6
16-62

Heroin DA D2 Receptor Availability
Control Addicted
184
Circuits Involved In Drug Abuse and Addiction
185
Implication:
Brain changes resulting from prolonged use of drugs can
compromise mental and motor functions
186
6
16-63
Edwards & Steinglass (1995). Family Therapy

Treatment Outcomes for Alcoholism.
• Involving family unequivocally effective in motivating
alcoholics into treatment
• Family therapy not proven effective in primary treatment
when follow-up is taken past one year
187
Humphreys, Moos, & Cohen, 1997. Long-Term

Recovery Study.
• Short-term interventions have little long-term impact
• At 8-year follow-up family relationship quality appears most

predictive
• AA participation in first 3 years increased likelihood of

remission at 8 years
188
Behavioral Couples Therapy (BCT)

• O’Farrell, McCrady, Epstein and Fals-Stewart
• Primary objectives
o Eliminate abusive drinking and drug abuse.
o Engage in the family’s support for the patient’s efforts to
change.
o Change couple and family interaction patterns in ways
conducive to long-term stable abstinence and a happier,
more stable relationship.
189
16-64
Advantages
• Short-term outcome studies: positive
• Fits well w/ 12-step, other self-help groups, medication
• Some specific strategies consistent w/ GMCT
o Increasing positivity
o expressing needs
o problem-solving (solvable)
o soft start 190
Limitations
• Abstinence as primary goal; co-addiction and relationship
recovery not addressed
• Not an affective-based therapy
191
Interpreting Risk
One drink =
• 12 oz. beer or cooler
• 8-9 oz. malt liquor
• 5 oz. table wine
• 3-4- oz. fortified wine (sherry or port)
• 2-3- oz. cordial, liqueur, or aperitif
• 1.5 oz. of spirits (80-proof spirits) 192
6
16-65
Moderate or Low Risk Drinking

Men (less than 65 years age):
• No more than 14 drinks/week
• No more than 4 drinks on a given day in a week
• or 5 drinks in any given day.
193
Moderate or Low Risk Drinking

Women (less than 65 years age):
• No more than 7 drinks/week
• No more than 3 drinks in any given day
194
Binge Drinking
Reaching blood alcohol level (BAL) 0.08g/dl in 2 hrs
• Men = 5 drinks
• Women = 4 drinks
195
6
16-66
Addiction Assessment
• Quantity and frequency
• When first tried substance
• Pattern of use
• Tolerance?
• Date of last use
• Date of longest abstinence from substance of choice
• Legal/financial/health problems? 196
Brief Michigan Alcoholism Screening Test (b-MAST)

• Consistent, quantifiable interview screening instrument
to detect alcoholism.
• Widely used as screening device for alcoholism and in
research; not final diagnostic tool
• Unaffected by age and “fake good” self-report measures
• Effective instrument in assessing problem drinking
severity. (Connor, Grier, Feeny, Young, 2007)
197
CAGE:
1. Have you ever tried to cut down on____?
2. Have you ever annoyed when someone has expressed
concern about your use?
3. Have you ever felt guilty about your use?
4. Have you ever had a morning eye opener? (Started the
day with the substance)
198
6
16-67
Feedback Session
• Always address substance concerns in feedback session
• Consider referrals for further assessment
• Couples work effective in moving alcoholics into treatment
• Discuss treatment goals w/in SRH framework, including
substance use as a possible gridlocked problem
199
SRH in Active Addiction

• Love Maps: Hidden lives
• Fondness System: Primary relationship w/ alcohol
• Turning Toward: Alcohol central organizing principle
• Negative Perspective: Often w/ shame & guilt
• Conflict System: Gridlocked, avoidance, denial
• Meaning: Rituals around drinking, alcoholic legacies
Couple Recovery Typology

• Type 1: Both partners in recovery, but in separate recovery
programs. (2nd order change)
• Type 2: Only one partner in recovery
• Type 3: Neither in recovery. (“Dry drunk”, “white knuckle

sobriety”)
201
6
16-68
Key Findings
• Recovery long-term dynamic process.
• Collapse of active alcoholism family system is a
prerequisite
• Destabilization continues after sobriety begins
• Families are traumatized
• Change occurs slowly and over time.
• Identification of Family Recovery Typology.
202
A Relational Approach to Addiction Recovery
Three level of recovery addressed concurrently:

1. Alcoholic’s recovery
2. Co-alcoholic’s recovery
3. Couple recovery: interdependency antidote to co-
dependency
203
Couple Recovery Development Approach
• Recovery is a relationship issue

• Intergenerational Reworking (internal working model)
• Interdependency (expressing needs)
204
6
16-69
General Treatment Philosophy and Strategies

(Chapter 13, pp)
• Friendship System
• Conflict System
• Meaning System
• Ongoing Recovery
o PTSD
o codependency (control) vs interdependency (support,
concern) 205
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Section 13.4.
206
Love Maps
• Cut off from emotions, self-awareness, needs, values
• May feel threatened by telling others needs, feelings
• May be vague with partners with what happened
• Guilt, shame from war
• Creates emotional distance
207
6
16-70
Fondness and Admiration

• Can’t take in positive regard
• Accepting fondness, admiration = “go ahead” for sex,
danger
• Expressing positive feelings makes PTSD partner
vulnerable to hurt, rejection
• Criticism becomes defense to create distance
208
Turning Towards / Away / Against

• Cut off from own needs
• Perceives turning towards as dangerous
• Turning Away / Against in more acute cases
209
Accepting Influence
• Accepts all influence (“doormat”) to avoid punishment,
abuse
• Hyper-controlling – remain in control
• Inappropriate trust
210
7
16-71
Managing Conflict
• No gentle start-up
• Criticism
• Good at repair – controlling partner’s anger
• Flooding
• Disassociation
211
Gridlocked Conflict
• Sex abuse history – sex is gridlocked issue
• Incest history – committed partners take place of “family”
212
Shared Meaning
• Values, meaning unknown to self
• Dreams, hopes opposite from experience of helplessness,
powerlessness
• Living without a sense of purpose
213
7
16-72
Treating
• Build trusting alliance
• Don’t force them to tell their story too soon
• Eventually having them tell story in any way they can
• Story is told to partner
214
PTSD Case Presentation
215
7
16-73
• 67% couples in couples’ therapy have had violent episode

(O’Leary)
• 1/3 have had a violent episode before commitment
• Some studies suggest 50% have had domestic violence
• Most are probably situational not characterological
217
“Battery is a form of abuse where the primary aggressor

employs violence ranging from pushing to relationship rape,
to homicide, to enhance the aggressor’s control over the
partner, leading the partner to modify their behaviors in daily
life. It is meant to instill fear and intimidation.”
- Ann Ganley (1989)
Couples therapy is inappropriate

218
Jacobson & Gottman Study
Situational Violence vs. Characterological Violence
219
7
16-74
Situational Violence
• Conflict escalated out of control.
• Minor injuries.
• Does not involve control or dominance.
220
• 80% situational, 20% characterological. (Jacobson-

Gottman)
• Police reports bear these 80/20 % estimates out.
• Characterological incidents get media attention, victims
show up in shelters.
• Couples therapy is against the law after DV incident in
most states.
221
• Women started altercation 71% of the time (Dutton, 1995)

• Men cause much more harm than women
• DV in same-sex couples
• Does not escalate to characterological domestic violence
• Does not involve control or dominance.
• No fear.
7
16-75
• Showed remorse, understood impact, internalize blame,

wants to change
• Violence is reciprocal - No clear perpetrator or victim.
Characterological Violence
• Asymmetrical with a clear perpetrator and victim.
• Controlling, dominating behavior, or belligerence.
• Little remorse, blames victim.
• Victim has no control over perpetrator or violence.
• Victim fears perpetrator.
224
Characterological Violence
• TWO TYPES: Pit Bulls or Cobras (Gottman & Jacobson)

• Cobras typically violent in all aspects of life.
• Pit Bulls typically violent to intimate partner only.
• Shelter victims mostly victims of either Pit Bulls or Cobras.
225
16-76
Pit Bulls
• Major fears of abandonment
• Extremely jealous
• Suspicious of partner becoming independent; keep
partner socially isolated
• Domineering
• Condescending and lecturing
226
Pit Bulls
• Lead with forehead
• Anger builds gradually when getting more belligerent and
contemptuous
• Pulse rate slowly increases w/ anger; high when they
strike
227
FILM
Pit bull
228
7
16-77
Cobras
• Violent in relationships outside the couple’s relationship
• Power and Control
• Uses fear and intimidation to get power and control
• Lead with chin
• Begins w/ high levels of belligerence; provocative,
domineering
229
Cobras
• Look threatening from beginning, not appear calm
• Heart rates would drop before they strike
• Charming, highly manipulative, seductive
• Can use weapons to threaten victims and often surprise
them
• No remorse
230
FILM
Cobra
231
7
16-78
Couples Therapy Contraindications
• Avoids responsibility for abuse

• Blames victim
• Minimizes the violence
• Severe injury
232
Other DV Information
• Husband to wife violence 3x higher in binge drinkers.
• SES more a factor than race.
• Prejudice and racism issues in early studies
233
History of Treatment For DV

• Julia Babcock’s meta-analysis.
• All male group interventions had no different success rates
than arrest alone.
• Yet these treatments are mandated by law in many states
in USA. Couples’ treatment is mostly illegal!
234
7
16-79
Couples Treatment for DV?
• Concern that couples’ treatment w/ characterological DV

holds victim responsible. Victim has no control over
violence.
• Most states mandate NO COUPLES’ TREATMENT FOR
DV (Babcock, Green, & Robie 2004)
• No distinction between situational and characterological
DV in most agencies.
235
Duluth Treatment Model

• Based on psycho-educational/feminist principles.
• Treatment aimed at men, teaching about role/rights of
women.
• Change men’s social values about women
236
Duluth Treatment Model

• Has NO effect on recidivism after a 5 year follow-up
• 1/3 to 1/2 of all batterers drop out after first session.
• Only 1/2 of those remaining after first session complete
full treatment.
237
7
16-80
Cognitive-Behavioral Groups
• Skills training, anger management, time outs, deep
breathing, etc.
• Don’t work over the long run.
• Don’t deal w/ emotions of perpetrators (shame, fear of
abandonment)
238
Stosny’s Compassion Groups

• Feelings were a focus of treatment
• No follow-up by research.
239
Stith, Rosen, & McCollum:

Group Couples Treatment for DV Study
• Solution-focused treatment
• Male recidivism rates 25% for experimental vs 67% for
control group.
• Couples’ group or just usual couples’ therapy equally
effective.
240
8
16-81
Emotional Abuse Considerations

• Characterological Emotional Abuse just as damaging to
victim over a long period of time.
• Sometimes move from physical to emotional abuse
• Physical abuse no longer necessary, victim already beaten
down.
241
Victim Safety Plan

• Develop safety plan
• Copies of any important papers, account numbers,
anything needed in order to disappear.
• Hide clothes, money, etc. for immediate escape if needed
• Establish a safe, unknown place to hide
• Go w/o warning to a safety shelter
242
Can We Screen Out Characterological DV?
• CTS2
• Intimate Justice Scale
• Fear of Partner (see Chapter 9, page 35)
• Social Control of Partner (see Chapter 9, page 35)
243
8
16-82
Our Theory About Situational DV
1. Lack of social skills in expressing needs and dealing w/

conflict
2. Flooding (DPA) plays a major role in escalation toward
physical violence.
244
Couples Together Against Violence (CTAV)
• Teach information and skills needed to succeed as a

couple and family
• Small group model; community (prevent attrition)
• Foster respect
• Counteract shame and disrespect expected from authority
figures by lower-income people.
• Give couples sense of pride in making it as family.
245
Couples Together Against Violence (CTAV)

• Conflict Management
o Flooding
o Four Horsemen
o Repair Checklist
• Increase Friendship
• Deepen Shared Meaning
246
8
16-83
Adapted CTAV for RRI study
• Focus more heavily on conflict management.

• Manage emotional flooding via physiological soothing.
• Develop rituals for withdrawing from escalating conflict.
• Mechanisms for ensuring safety.
• Useful for broader population of couples with children.
247
• Each module starts w/ 15-minute video that week’s topic.

• Videos help couples feel less alone with their struggles and
triumphs, and lead to self-disclosure.
• Group discussions weave couples together into supportive
communities.
248
• Topics included:
o preventing harmful fights
o avoiding domestic violence
o healing from infidelity
o building friendship and intimacy
o creating positive legacies for their children
• Information provided in straightforward, clear language.
• Followed by skill-building exercise to teach couples skills of
successful relationship.
249
8
16-84
• Before every exercise couples use

Emwave (HeartMath)
• Biofeedback device that helps
teach physiological self-soothing.
FILM
Collage Video
251
CTAV Content Areas And Modules
• Preserving Intimacy
• Managing Conflict
• Creating Shared Meaning
• Managing Stress
• Fathers, Marriage, and Parenting
252
16-85
CTAV Intimacy Core Modules
• Stay Close
• Have Close Conversations
• Express Needs
• Turn Toward, Not Away
• Magnify and Savor Positive Emotions
• Building a Culture of Respect and Appreciation
253
CTAV Intimacy Core Modules
• Build Passion and Good Sex

• Heal Old Wounds, including 1) Feeling Proud of Ourselves,
and 2) I am my Family’s Protector
• Prevent and Recover from Infidelity
254
CTAV Managing Conflict Core Modules
• Prevent Harmful Fights

• Compromise
• Self-Soothe, including Em-Wave Biofeedback Training
• Manage Anger (Your Own and Others’)
• Have Recovery Conversations After A Fight
255
8
16-86
CTAV Managing Conflict Core Modules
• Know When Endless Fights Turn Harmful

• Avoid And Heal Violence 1- Recognize when you are
Heating Up
• Avoid and Heal Violence 2 - Avoiding Domestic Violence is
Everyone’s Responsibility
• Edit Out Negativity and Accept Influence
256
CTAV Shared Meaning Core Modules
• Honor Your Partner’s Dreams

• Connect Emotionally – Create Rituals of Connection
257
RESULTS
• Males in treatment group more successful to physiologically

self soothe during conflict discussions.
• Males in control group showed significantly greater heart
rate reactivity over time.
258
8
16-87
RESULTS
• Treatment group - IPV reduced over time,

• Essential that couples stay in group for entire program.
• Couples who dropped out did not improve, did not change
on IPV.
259
Who Learned the Social Skills? Who Didn’t?
• Couples who learned skills were:

o MORE VIOLENT
o MORE UNHAPPILY MARRIED
o LOWER IN AFFECTION
o MORE HOSTILE based on scored videos of conflict
o Effects even stronger for men, which is very good.
260
RESULTS
Male Hostile
Behavior
261
8
16-88
RESULTS
Treatment couples:
o Higher relationship satisfaction
o Lower conflict than control couples.
o Effects lasted on 18-month follow-up.
o Significant improvements in Friendship and Shared
Meaning
o Greater parenting alliance
262
8

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What are the steps involved in becoming a Certified Gottman Therapist?

What are the steps involved in becoming a Certified Gottman Therapist?

What are some of the core modules covered in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy?

What are some of the core modules covered in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy?

Copyright © 2000–2014 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.

Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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About Drs. John and Julie Gottman

In this you will learn:

• Helping them create rituals of connection, and

And for the more difficult couples, you’ll be aided to:

Wishing you all the best,

1. Describe the three qualities every therapist needs.

Gottman Method Couples Therapy

BIDS AND TURNING

SESSION #1: ASSESSMENT

EVALUATING CONFLICT AND REPAIR

SESSION #1: PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER

SESSION #2: INDIVIDUAL INTERVIEWS

SESSION #3: GIVING FEEDBACK AND TREATMENT PLANNING

GOTTMAN METHOD INTERVENTIONS

INTERVENTIONS TO MANAGE CONFLICT

INTERVENTION: GENTLE START-UP

CASE INTRODUCTION: STEVE AND CRYSTA

INTERVENTION: LABEL THE FOUR HORSEMEN AND REPLACE THEM

INTERVENTIONS TO MANAGE CONFLICT

INTERVENTION: GOTTMAN-RAPOPORT EXERCISE

INTERVENTION: THE DAN WILE INTERVENTION

INTERVENTION: INTERNAL WORKING MODEL

INTERVENTION: DREAMS WITHIN CONFLICT

INTERVENTION: AFTERMATH OF A FIGHT OR REGRETTABLE INCIDENT

• FILM: “Aftermath of a Fight”

INTERVENTIONS TO STRENGTHEN FRIENDSHIP AND ROMANCE

INTERVENTION: WORKING ON FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION “I

• FILM: “Working on Fondness & Admiration”

INTERVENTIONS TO STRENGTHEN FRIENDSHIP AND ROMANCE

• FILM: “Stress Reducing Conversation”

INTERVENTIONS TO CREATE SHARED MEANING

• FILM: “Rituals of Connection”

DEALING WITH AFFAIRS

DEALING WITH ADDICTION

DEALING WITH DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

2. Tension in the Voice...............................................................................2-1

3. The Words Themselves..........................................................................3-1

4. Bids and Turning....................................................................................4-1

5. Couples Assessment Overview............................................................5-1

6. How to Conduct an Oral History Interview...........................................6-1

6.3. Things to Notice...................................................................................................6-4

7. Evaluating Conflict Management and Repairs.....................................7-1

8. Individual Interview ...............................................................................8-1

9. Gottman Method Assessment Questionnaires....................................9-1