Solomon on Sex - Why have a Wedding?

Sign Title: Solomon on Sex - Why have a Wedding?

February 12, 2012

Good morning Faith family. We are in the seventh week of the Solomon

on Sex series. This is a series where we are studying an Old Testament book of

the Bible called the Song of Solomon. This book is composed of small melodic

snapshots that are a window into the relationship between King Solomon and his

first wife, a rugged farm girl from the area of Shulem --- a farming area in the hills

of Lebanon. We often refer to her as the Shulamite since her name is not

revealed in the book.

The little melodic windows into their relationship are not necessarily in

chronological order. We began with the Shulamite getting Solomon’s attention at

their wedding feast when she used her knock-em-dead perfume. Next, we saw

her reaction to the beautifully decorated bridal chamber Solomon prepared for

their wedding night. It was decorated in green, her favorite color. Next, we

studied a snapshot that was a flashback to their dating days. On the date, they

went for a walk in the country where she shared her fears about marrying the

king. She worries his stately duties will overwhelm his husbandly duties. She

worries she will be married but find herself alone.

This week, the text is a window that gives us a glimpse of their wedding.

This message is particularly important for those yet to marry. If you are already

married, I encourage you to listen closely anyway. There is much all of us need

to hear.

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 Before we put our finger in the text, let’s talk about marriage in our culture.

Traditional marriage is on a steep decline. The marriage rate dropped 43 percent

since 1960. The number of cohabitating couples in the United States rose from

half million in 1960 to 4.2 million in 1998. The number of babies born to unwed

parents has increased five fold since the 1930s. The majority of our culture is

rejecting traditional marriage and the wedding ceremony that goes with it.1 This

morning, I want to talk about why we should not be so quick to let the traditional

wedding go.

Before we jump in, I need to explain how dating and marriage in ancient

society is different than our modern society. That will help us better understand

the text.

What were weddings like in the ancient world?

1. Bethrothal - This is a time when arrangements for the marriage were

established. The couple was considered married once they were engaged.

The engagement period was not a time when a couple continued

contemplating their marriage. The decision to marry was already made. The

engagement period was simply a time of preparation for the wedding. The

engagement was so binding a couple couple figuratively take out a mortgage.

Their commitment was that binding. Today, unfortunately, many couples get

engaged and propose long engagements. During the engagement the

couples hopes to determine if they are marrying the right person. That is not

the biblical way. You only ask a woman to marry you when you are sure the

1 Akin, D. (2003). God on sex: The Creator's ideas about love, intimacy, and marriage. Nashville, TN: Broadman &
Holman Publishers. Chapter 7

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 marriage should move forward. Engagement is only a time of preparation for

the wedding.

2. The wedding procession - This is when the groom went to the home of the

bride in a big parade. He brought her to his home for the wedding (Matthew

25:1; Psalm 45). If the groom didn’t go himself to fetch his bride from her

home, he sent a wedding party to do it. He joined her outside the city gates.

The couple paraded through the streets on the way to the wedding ceremony.

It was a large, noisy parade where everyone was invited to join in cheering for

this man and woman on the happiest day of their lives. This wedding parade

is the part we will study this week.

3. The wedding ceremony - This is the time when the couple was formally

recognized as husband and wife in a legal sense. It was not conducted in a

synagogue or church. It was conducted in a home and was more of a civil

than a spiritual matter.

4. The wedding feast - This is the party after the ceremony. We studied this in

our second week of this book. It was the passage where the Shulamite was

trying to get Solomon’s attention at the wedding feast with her strong

perfume. We celebrate a marriage the same way. We have a party after the

ceremony. The difference is that the Jews partied much harder. They partied

for an entire week. This morning, we learn why they thought it was important

celebrate their weddings.

5. The wedding night - This takes place on the first evening of the wedding

party. Two weeks from today, we are in the fourth chapter of this book. The

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 entire fourth chapter deals with this couple’s wedding night. It is sex to the

glory of God. Next week, we kick the kids out. Everyone who is nervous

about sex will stay away because they are afraid God will convict them in this

area of their life. Everyone who is interested learning how to honor God in

their sex life will be here scribbling down notes like court-room stenographers.

Don’t worry. We have two weeks until the

wedding night begins. Today is the wedding party.

Since we are talking about the wedding, I

thought I would share a picture from my wedding.

As you can see, Cindy hasn’t changed a bit. As

usual, she is beautiful and has aged gracefully. On

the other hand, you can see I have aged. In my

wedding photo, I was still using a shaver with training wheels.

Here is a piece of fun trivia. If you look closely, you can see in this photo

that I am wearing women’s makeup. The night before the wedding, I playfully

wrestled with a friend and ended up with a black eye. Cindy didn’t want wedding

photos where it looked like she punched my lights out. I humbled myself and

agreed to where women’s makeup for the first, and hopefully the last, time. I

didn’t want to spend the rest of my life having friends ask me if Cindy continued

to beat me after the wedding like she did before the wedding.

What does the text teach us about weddings?

Let’s put our finger in the text and see what the Bible teaches us about

weddings.

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 A wedding is a time for celebration.

What is that coming up from the wilderness like columns of smoke, perfumed
with myrrh and frankincense, with all the fragrant powders of a merchant?
Behold, it is the litter of Solomon! Song of Solomon 3:6–7 (ESV)

When it says litter, do not think kitty litter. That is a totally different thing. This is

not King Solomon’s cat box. It is King Solomon’s car. It is a luxury car. In that

day, luxury vehicles looked like stage coaches without wheels. They were

enclosed boxes carried by poles that men put on their shoulders. Why didn’t

they use wheels? Wheels gave a bumpy ride. Monroe shock absorbers were

not invented. If you are a king and you want a luxury ride, you have people carry

you around town. This is the luxury car he sent to give her a ride to the wedding.

He didn’t just send the luxury car to pick her up, he sent an entire luxury

motorcade. As we learned earlier in the book, this couple enjoy great smells.

Solomon knows his bride has a sensitive nose. In that day, a fancy marriage

motorcade had a censer of burning incense at the front of the motorcade and

another at the back. Solomon has spared no luxuries. This is not a little incense

burner you buy for the resale shop for $1.50. The censors were large because

they are were putting out columns of smoke that rose into the sky.

Picture this in your mind. To arrive in Jerusalem, this ancient motorcade

would travel to the Dead Sea, which is the lowest place on the planet. The next

15 miles would be a straight climb to the city of Jerusalem, which was located,

like a crown, on top of a hill. People in the city were looking down the mountain

at the columns of incense rising in the sky. They could see this motorcade

arriving from miles away. When the bridal motorcade arrived outside the city, if

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Solomon wasn’t already on board, he would join his bride. The marital

motorcade would then weave its way through the city like a city-wide parade.

First, the countryside was bathed in the smell of incense. Now, the city

was bathed in the smell of incense as the marital parade slowly wove its way

through the streets to the wedding ceremony. This ancient wedding ceremony

was serious celebration.

Application: The lesson we need to learn is when a couple weds, they

should have a good party. It should be a celebration. Today, partying has a bad

reputation. There is nothing wrong with partying for the right reason. By

partying, I don’t mean getting drunk. I mean getting together, having fun, eating

food and celebrating. Study the Old Testament calendar. Israel was

commanded to party multiple times a year for national holidays. The wedding

party lasted a week. Jesus thought a big wedding party was important. That is

why his first miracle was to turn water into wine at a wedding feast so the

marriage celebration could continue.

Why is it important to have a serious celebration?:

The wedding is hoped to be a once-in-a-life-time event. The wedding

is a big deal. The most important decision you will make in your life is either for

or against Christ. The second most important decision you make is who to

marry. If you have the person God wants as a soulmate, you should celebrate. It

is one of the greatest days in your life!

A wedding celebration sets off the marriage as important. If you don’t

celebrate the wedding as important, it subtly makes a statement that the

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marriage isn’t that important. Your wedding day is not just another day; it should

be treated like it is a special day.

What are practical ways I can apply this?:

Help young couples celebrate their wedding day. Let me give some

advice. If you are a parent or a grandparent, chances are you will have children

or grandchildren getting married. If they are like most young couples, they won’t

have any money. They will want, and need, to celebrate the wedding cheaply.

Help them financially. Help them celebrate. That doesn’t mean to be lavish, just

help them have enough money to celebrate their important day.

When Cindy and I married, we were poor. Cindy’s wedding dress was

bought on clearance. Our reception hall was the church gym because we had no

money. The family that took Cindy under their wing and discipled her when she

trusted in Christ blessed us. They took care of the food for the reception meal. It

was just sandwiches and lunch meat, but it was enough to make a party. Other

friends volunteered to help us celebrate by playing music. Other friends shot our

wedding photos. Another friend shot the wedding video. There were probably at

least a dozen people that came together that made it possible for us to celebrate

that special day.

Ensure you couples have good wedding photos. Another practical

piece of advice deals with wedding photos. Get a good wedding photographer.

Take photos. Make memories and post those pictures in your home to remind

you of your special day. If you want help finding a good wedding photographer,

talk to me. I have some recommendations.

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 A wedding contains a promise of protection.

Behold, it is the litter of Solomon! Around it are sixty mighty men, some of the
mighty men of Israel, all of them wearing swords and expert in war, each with his
sword at his thigh, against terror by night. Song of Solomon 3:7–8 (ESV)

Not only does the Shulamite get a heavily-scented motorcade, she gets a

heavily-protected motorcade. These 60 guys are not there to carry the luggage.

I was studying the history on this and both Saul and David had 600 highly-skilled

warriors that reported to them directly.2 I believe Solomon followed the family

tradition and had 600 of his black-ops unit report directly to him as well. It

appears Solomon took a tenth of his black-ops unit and deployed them as body

guards for his bride’s marital motorcade.

They were not for show. In 1 Maccabees 9:37-41, which is an ancient

book that tells some history of what happened between the Old and New

Testaments, it tells us how a king’s wedding day was ruined when his bride’s

marital motorcade was attacked leaving her dead. Killing a husband’s bride on

the wedding day tends to get husbands-to-be very angry. Solomon promises to

protect her.

Application: The point of application is a wedding involves a husband’s

public statement to take a wife into his care and keeping. The father gives away

the bride. The woman moves from her father’s protective care to her husband’s.

Ladies, when you skip the wedding and just live with a guy, who is

promising to look out for you and protect you? If you live with a guy, he is not

taking out a life insurance policy so that if he dies, he knows you are protected

2 1 Samuel 13:15; 14:2; 27:2; 30:9

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financially. In a wedding a husband makes a public promise to protect his wife.

You skip the wedding, you skip the promise of protection, which is something

every woman needs to be under, either from her father or her husband.

A wedding contains a promise of provision.

King Solomon made himself a carriage from the wood of Lebanon. He made its
posts of silver, its back of gold, its seat of purple; its interior was inlaid with love
by the daughters of Jerusalem. Song of Solomon 3:9–10 (ESV)

This is a detailed description of the wheelless vehicle the Shulamite is

riding in on the way to her wedding. The point of the description is that this

wheelless carriage is extravagant. This is the kind of vehicle people wanted to

car-jack in the ancient world. It is a Bentley. Not only is it silver and gold, but the

fabric is purple. Purple was the color of kings. One of the reasons purple was

associated with kings is because only kings could afford the purple dye which

was extracted from a shellfish.

To make it especially comfortable, the ladies who worked in the palace did

the interior decorating of the vehicle as a way of honoring Solomon and his bride.

For a moment, I want you to think about this from the Shulamite’s

perspective. She grew up as a simple country girl in a fatherless home to a

single mother. When the wedding ceremony is over, she becomes the queen.

All that is Solomon’s becomes hers. He promises to provide for her.

Application: This is another reason I love a wedding. The husband

promises to provide for his wife. When the marriage certificate is turned in after

the ceremony, the couple becomes one. They have the same last name. What I

want to point out is when a couple gets married and a woman takes her

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husband’s last name that is a way he promises that all he has is hers. It is a way

she says to her husband, all I have is yours. Both names go on all bank

accounts. Both names go on all properties. The husband and wife do not keep

separate bank accounts with only one name on it. The reason the husband puts

his wife’s name on his stuff is that he is committing to provide for her.

When Cindy and I were getting married, she met a woman in the store

who encouraged her to keep one form of identification with her former last name.

That way, it would be easier to change back to her old name if I divorced her.

What do you think I said to that idea? If you need to keep one form of

identification with your old name, you are not ready to marry me. Honey, your

name goes with mine on all bank accounts, all property and vehicle deeds. What

I have is always yours. I intend to give everything I have to be your provider.

Take my last name in everything as your full commitment to me.

A wedding makes a public declaration.

Go out, O daughters of Zion, and look upon King Solomon,... Song of Solomon
3:11 (ESV)

! In the ancient world, the wedding was a very public event. It was a public

event because it formally stated to world that a new couple was formed. The

guests at the wedding party were not just there to be scenery for the photos.

They were present because they cared about the couple, and they promised to

support the couple in their marriage.

! The guests at a modern wedding should look at their role in the wedding

from the same perspective. They are present to witness the vows and to pledge

to support the couple in the good times and in the tough times. When you hit

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those marital tough spots, the friends that stand behind you and hold you to your

commitment make a world of difference.

A wedding is a chance for parental approval.

...with the crown with which his mother crowned him on the day of his wedding,
on the day of the gladness of his heart. Song of Solomon 3:11 (ESV)

! This verse sounds out of place until you understand the ancient wedding

custom. On the day of a Jewish wedding, the bride and the groom wore laurel

crowns given by their parents. The crowns were worn because the wedding was

a time when the bride and groom were to be treated like kings and queens.

When a parent gave the crown to their son or daughter, it was their way of

publicly approving of the wedding. It was their way of supporting the wedding

and telling everyone they were proud of the marriage.

! There was lot of information this morning but not a lot of application.

Now, I want to use these principles from the text to answer two commonly asked

questions.

• Why can’t we just skip the wedding and live together?

• What is wrong with eloping?

Common questions about weddings.

What is wrong with skipping the wedding and living together?

! Cohabitating takes away your opportunity to celebrate your

marriage. I know some of you are cohabitating in hopes that if the relationship

work, you will celebrate a wedding later. If that is what you choose, the

celebration will ring hollow. It is like celebrating Christmas after you open the

presents. The joy is just not there.

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! Cohabitating doesn’t bring a woman under a man’s protection. Since

there is no commitment of a man to protect the woman he is living with, she is

vulnerable. If he changes his mind about her, he moves out leaving her to fend

for herself. If there are children involved, often it is the woman left holding the

bag of responsibility.

! Cohabitating bring no promise of provision. Why should the husband

marry the woman he is living with? He is getting all the benefits of a married man

without any of the financial responsibilities of marriage. Why should a husband

put his life-worth on the line when he doesn’t have to?

! Cohabitating provides no public proclamation of love and not

invitation for relational support. Since there is no wedding, there is no cadre

of friends committed to support and encourage the couple in their relationship.

They will struggle alone.

! Cohabitating doesn’t provide a chance for public parental approval.

It doesn’t provide a mother and father a chance to bless the relationship.

! Besides the clear biblical reasons for marrying and having a wedding

instead of cohabitating, thanks to a study done by Rutger's University, there is

plenty of practical data to back this up.

1. Only one-sixth of live-in relationships last at least three years and only one-

tenth endure five or more years.3

2. Living together before marriage increases the risk of divorce. One study

found an increased risk of 46 percent. It also increases the risk of domestic

3 Karen Peterson, “Wedded to Relationship but Not to Marriage,” USA Today, 18 April 2000.

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 violence for women and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children.

One study found the risk of domestic violence for cohabitating women is

double that of married women.4

3. Couples who live together before marriage are more likely to have an affair

during marriage than those who don’t.5

4. Cohabitating couples are three times more likely to say, “hitting, shoving and

throwing things” occurred in the previous year.6

5. Cohabitating couples report less sexual satisfaction than married couples.7

6. Not only is sex more satisfying for married couples but those who report the

highest level of satisfaction with sexual intimacy are those who have

experienced only one sexual partner.8

7. Those least likely to suffer clinical depression are those who are married and

never divorced. Those who cohabitate are more likely to be depressed than

those who are single and those who are divorced. The only category more

prone to major depression than those living together are those who

experienced multiple divorces.9

4 David Popenoe, “Cohabitation: The Marriage Enemy,” USA Today, 28 July 2000.
5Brian Holman, “Co-habiting First May not Improve Marriage,” Scripps Howard Foundation Wire,
5 August 2000.
6 Murray Dubin, “A Mission to Remedy Marriage, “ Philadelphia Inquirer, 6 August 2000.
7Robert T. Michael, John H. Gagnon, and Edward O. Lauman, Sex in America: A Definitive
Survey (Boston: Little, Brown & Co., 1994), 124.
8 Ibid, pg. 124.
9Lee Robins and Darrel Regier, Psychiatric Disorders in America: The Epidemiologic Catchment
Area Study (New York: Free Press, 1991), 72.

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 There is much more data than time will allow me to share. Young people,

let me say it clearly, marriage, not cohabitating, is God’s plan. It is a plan with

your best interests at heart.

What about eloping?

Let’s look through this passage again and briefly think about the eloping

question.

Does eloping allow a time of celebration of one of the best moments of

your life? No.

Does eloping provide a woman marital protection and provision from a

husband. It does, because they become legally married.

Does eloping provide a time for a support system of family and friends to

come together and put a blessing upon the couple and promise their support?

No.

Eloping is better than cohabitating, but it is not everything God wants you

to bless you with when you start off your marriage.

Questions and Answers

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