The “Not a Checklist” Negotiation Sheet for BDSM Bottoms

by Tornus

I’m a big fan of the fantastic one page negotiation checklist created by @amothtotheflame. It’s succinct, well-
organized, and does a great job of summarizing what you actually need to know during casual pick-up play.

I’ve found, though, that this sheet doesn’t really meet my needs when I’m negotiating with a new partner,
especially someone who’s fairly new to kink. What I really want is not so much a list of activities, but rather a
peek inside their head: what makes them tick, and what would it take to make them tock?

Here’s a first stab at creating the tool that I’ve been looking for but haven’t found. It’s primarily meant for
bottoms, and is doubtless more than a little idiosyncratic. Hopefully you’ll find it to be of some use.

This isn’t meant to be a checklist: don’t go down the page putting 1s and 4s and NOs next to each line, or
circling things in red and green ink. Rather, look at this as a collection of ideas that may be useful to you in
understanding yourself, or that you may want your partner to know about you.

Rather than giving your partner a filled-in version of this list, consider giving them a short list of the
sentences that most resonated for you. And, obviously, feel free to add / modify sentences as you see fit.

What I want from this play session How you treat me

• I just want a fun play session. • I want you to be loving / rough / gentle / angry /
• I want to connect with you. mocking / strict / demanding with me.
• I want to try something new to see if I like it. • I like it when you call me slut and whore, but don’t
• I want to do something once, to say I’ve done it. call me bitch or cunt.
• I want to learn / practice a new skill. • I want you to praise me. Tell me I’m beautiful /
• I’m looking for catharsis. strong / sexy.
• This scene will be a success for me if… • Make me earn your approval.
• Fundamentally, I want you to do what I want. • I need you to be always confident and in control.
• It’s important to me that you do what you want • I need to see your human side.
without worrying about what I like. • Treat me like your equal.
• I’m nervous about… • Keep me guessing and off balance.
• Don’t play games with me.
What I want between us
What happens in my head
• We play, then we’re done.
• I’m looking for an occasional / ongoing play • I want to feel beautiful / exposed / vulnerable / safe
partner. / competent / in control / loved / sexy / desired /
• I’m looking for a relationship. powerful / afraid / overwhelmed / …
• I’m secretly auditioning you as a play partner / • I want to stay present and in control.
lover. • I want to not have to be in control for a while.
• When play gets intense, I can become non-verbal.
When we’re done When that happens, I need…
• I sometimes get triggered by… You can recognize it
• I’ll see you later. by… When it happens, I need…
• Let’s snuggle and chat. • I do / don’t want to know what’s coming next.
• I want to spend the night. • I want to prove how tough I am.
• Pamper me.
• I want to express my gratitude by…
• Call / text / email me the next day.
Pain How you feel about me
• Hurt me. • I want you to love / value / need me.
• Hurt me until I cry / scream / beg for mercy. • I want you to be proud of me.
• You’ll know I’ve had enough when I… • I want to feel safe / owned / used / exposed /
• I want pain that is predictable and manageable. vulnerable with you.
• I only want certain kinds of pain: … • I want to be your slut / toy / pet / prized possession.
• I do / don’t want pain during sex.
Punishment and training
Intimacy
• Punish me for something I did in real life.
• I want our play to be fun but let’s keep our • Punish me for something make believe.
distance. • I want to work for your approval, knowing that I
• I want our play to feel intimate. only get it if I succeed.
• I want to cuddle / kiss / make out. • I want to work for your approval, secure in the
• I want to get to know you as a person. knowledge that I will succeed.
• I want you to touch me in intimate but non-sexual • Train me!
ways. • Your disapproval / disappointment would be painful
• I like it when you stroke my hair, kiss my forehead, and damaging to me.
… • Punish me, but don’t…
• Be fair with me.
Sex
Consensual non-consent / rape play
• I want our play to have sexual energy, but I don’t
want to have sex. • Rape play isn’t sexy to me: don’t go there.
• I want to have sex. • “Rape” me.
• I might want to have sex in future, but not this time. • Use real / make-believe force.
• It’s important to me that I have an orgasm. • I want to fight you and have a chance of winning.
• It’s important to me that you have an orgasm. • I want to fight you, but I want to lose eventually.
• In order to reach orgasm, I need a vibrator / to have • I want to feel physically overwhelmed by you.
my legs straight / to go inside my own head / …
• After I have an orgasm, I want more orgasms / a Daddy / little
quiet cuddle / to serve you / hard fucking / …
• I’m embarrassed about having an orgasm in front • Eww, no. Seriously, not for me.
of you. • Be my loving / strict / mean / bad / indulgent /
• It can be hard for me to reach orgasm. I need you protective daddy.
to keep at it until I come. • My little persona is… years old.
• It can be hard for me to reach orgasm. Don’t • When I’m a little, I need / want…
pressure me to come.
• I likely won’t have an orgasm, and that’s OK.
Humiliation / degradation / objectification / shame
Dominance and submission • Humiliate me for wanting it.
• Show me how hard / wet I am.
• I want you to dominate me. • I want to be mocked / teased / taunted.
• I want to submit to you voluntarily. • Break me.
• Force me to submit to you. • Break me and then put me back together again.
• Tell me what to do with your words / by force. • Humiliate me, but don’t call me fat / ugly /
• I want to be a brat / a good boy or girl / a slave. worthless / stupid.
• I want you to be strict and demanding / loving / a • Make me ask / beg for what I want.
supportive coach.
• I want a clear start and finish to our d/s.
• I want an ongoing D/s connection with you.
• I do / don’t want our D/s to be strictly limited to our
play time.
• Put a collar / leash on me.