2 English
2 English
2 English
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[cheering]
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[announcer]
Give it up for Jimmy O. Yang!
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[cheering]
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♪♪
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Look at you beautiful people!
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[cheering]
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Oh, my God!
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Look at you guys.
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It's good to be back.
It's good to be back
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seeing all of your beautiful faces!
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Give it up for yourselves, man,
for being here tonight.
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- [cheering]
- Thank you.
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I love you guys.
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I appreciate you guys.
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And Asian people,
where we at? Asian people?
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- [cheering]
- Look at this!
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Look at you guys.
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This is great.
I'm so proud of my Asian people.
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There's so much excellence out there
going on,
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a lot of people representin'!
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It's never been a better time
to be Asian.
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I say this every year, I know.
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[laughter]
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But truly, this is our time.
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I mean, come on, we got BTS now.
Come on!
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- [cheering]
- That's us, that's our people
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They're doing it.
I'm so proud of them.
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Man, biggest band in the world.
Probably ever.
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Since the Backstreet Boys
and they don't have to speak English!
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[laughter]
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I love my BTS, man,
even white people know BTS now.
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That's progress.
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That's progress.
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I had a 15-year-old white kid
come up to me trying to explain to me
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the different members of BTS.
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He was like, "Oh, this is Jung Kook,
he's kinda like the lead singer,
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and that's Jimin and he's really cool
and he also raps."
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I'm like,
"Dude, they look the same to me."
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[laughter]
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I didn't want to say it.
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I couldn't say it as an Asian person.
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But they all just look like me.
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With pink hair.
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I can turn the whole show
to a BTS concert right now.
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All right?
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Yeah. This is... this is Jimmy.
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This is Jimin. Right here.
You don't know.
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- [laughter]
- You have not... You don't know.
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You don't know.
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♪ Smooth like butter... ♪
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- No, I'm not going to do...
- [cheering]
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I'm not doing it,
I'm not doing it.
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[cheering]
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I love my people, man, I love BTS.
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You guys probably heard in the news,
they gotta go to mandatory Korean Army.
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Right? The most popular people
in the world,
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they gotta go sign up for Korean military.
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That's some gangsta shit.
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[laughter]
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Imagine how scared you'll be when
you encounter BTS on the battlefield.
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[laughter]
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You're in battle,
you're already kinda shook.
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You're in a field of grass...
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and a little puff of pink hair
just pops up.
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[laughter]
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You're like, "Yo, what the fuck was that?"
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Is that a unicorn?"
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And then six more pink hair pop up.
You're like, "We're surrounded!"
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And the last thing you see
is just this.
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[laughter]
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That's some gangsta shit.
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[cheering]
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I'm proud of my people, man.
I'm proud of my people.
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You know, a lot of great
representation out there.
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I see some of you guys
still wearing your masks.
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I still wear my mask.
No shame in that, right?
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It's all good. It's all good.
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I wear my mask not because I think
I'm gonna get sick,
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But because I just don't want to talk
to anybody anymore.
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[laughter]
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But I'm still surprised.
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When people come up to me,
they're like, "Oh, my God. Jimmy?!"
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I'm like, "How did you know?"
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[laughter]
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How did you know?
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How many other Asian guys
did you go up to...
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[laughter]
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...before it happened to me.
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You don't know. You don't know.
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Underneath this mask,
I could be Awkwafina.
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- You don't know.
- [laughter]
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[chuckles]
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Hey, look, I'm not saying that all
Asian people look alike, okay?
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I'm just saying that me
and Awkwafina look alike.
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[laughter]
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And we both look like we should be in BTS.
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[laughter]
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I love all the representation
out there, man.
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But it's not just celebrities.
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I'm very proud of the everyday people
out there representin'!
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That's the important part,
you know what I mean?
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Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
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I'm very happy for
this one particular person.
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I'm really happy for
that old Chinese lady in Chinatown,
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who's been wearing a mask since 1995.
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[laughter]
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Her life just suddenly made sense.
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[laughter]
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Before the mask mandate,
everybody just looked at her, was like,
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"Eww, why she wearing a mask?
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That's so random."
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She's not random,
she's a fucking trailblazer. Okay?
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She started wearing a mask,
now everybody has to wear a mask.
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She's like
the Kendall Jenner of Chinatown.
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She must've been so happy
when this mask mandate happened,
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just laughing at everyone.
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It's like, "Haha. Look at you idiots."
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[laughter]
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"I told you to put on a mask!
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Now the CDC follows me!"
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[laughter]
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She was prepared.
She didn't just have a mask,
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she had gloves on for when she's driving.
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She had the full face-shield that
comes down, looking like Daft Punk.
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[laughter]
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That's my girl right there, man.
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Asian people, we're ready for this shit.
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Social distancing?
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We've been doing that for centuries.
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We don't like all that hugging
and touching and all that.
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You know when we see each other,
just a nice bow. That is...
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That is socially distanced.
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If you're really Asian, you ever see two
really Asian people,
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it turns into a bowing contest.
To see who's more respectful.
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To see who could bow lower,
and more away from each other.
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Until you're just folded in half
and you go home.
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[laughter]
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That's social distancing, people.
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- [cheering]
- That's right. That's right.
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If the pandemic has taught us anything,
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it's everybody should be
a little more Asian.
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[laughter]
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A lot of people in this country,
Americans, you know,
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like, we're not ready for this.
All the rules? We're rebels, man.
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We don't like following rules!
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People are like freaking out,
they're like, "Mask mandate?! No!"
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[laughter]
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I'm like, "Dude, it's just a mask,
just put on a mask."
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They're like, "It's not just a mask,
it's the government."
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[laughter]
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"Yeah, it's the government
fear-mongering."
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I'm like, "What is that?"
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They're like, "Yeah, it's fear mongering.
They want you to be scared of everything
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so you're obedient and you're scared
and you follow the rules."
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I'm like, "Oh, that's called
fear mongering?
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Then my mom must've invented fear
mongering."
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- [cheering]
- Huh.
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I didn't even know
that's what it's called.
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Ever since I was five years old,
my mom had me believe that
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anything I'd do would make me sick.
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[laughter]
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You go outside without a jacket,
you get the flu.
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[laughter]
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You go to bed with the fan on, pneumonia!
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[laughter]
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God forbid you fall asleep with wet hair.
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You don't wake up. That's it.
You're dead. That's it.
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You're dead.
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That's fear-mongering, man.
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[cheering]
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I'm not scared of anything anymore.
I don't have any fear anymore.
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I used to watch that show Fear Factor
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- You guys remember that show?
- [cheering]
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That Joe Rogan hosted... Fear Factor,
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they make you face your fears
like jump off a helicopter,
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eat crazy shit, like pig intestines
and century egg.
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I ate that shit for breakfast.
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[laughter]
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This is nothing to me.
Fear is not a factor.
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[laughter]
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I do remember when I was ten years old,
little boy.
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I was very scared because there was
this one kid, pretty sad story.
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In my class,
he had childhood leukemia.
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And then he lost all his hair
to chemo and everything.
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Looking real frail.
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And I was really scared,
I was like, "Oh, my God,
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is he gonna be okay?"
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And my mom, she's a great mother.
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She saw how scared I was,
so she came up to console me,
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She was like, "Jimmy-ya...
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Jimmy-ya...
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You see... this is what happens
when you play too much video games."
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[laughter]
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That's fear-mongering, okay?
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I never played a game of FIFA after that.
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My mom was like the original fake news.
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[laughter]
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It's good to see everyone here, man.
I think collectively as people,
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we've all been through a lot
in the last few years, man!
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- [cheering]
- Didn't we?
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And we made it out.
We made it out.
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We're better for it, you know?
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I feel like I mentally aged
like, 20 years.
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Like, the first day I walked outside,
for some reason,
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I just walked out
like an old Chinese man.
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I just came out of my house like this.
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[laughter]
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I was wearing flip-flops
and a puffer vest.
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My outfit made no sense.
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My feet were cold, chest sweat.
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My posture looked like shit
but I was still judging everyone.
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I was just like...
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I'm an old man now.
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I don't even like going outside anymore.
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All my friends,
they're back to normal, right?
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They're like,
"Oh, Jimmy, you want to go to Coachella?"
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I'm like, "Nah... no seats."
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[laughter]
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I don't...
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That doesn't look fun to me!
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Six hours standing in the desert!
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Fuck that!
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And you see all these kids,
like, with their Instagram posts,
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you know it's always, like, people just,
like, jumping around,
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dancing, and all of these buff dudes
got, like, girls on their shoulder.
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I'm like, "Dude, you're not even going to
a concert,
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you're doing CrossFit. How's that fun?
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[laughter]
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The only concert I've been to this year,
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I took my girlfriend to
a Don McLean concert.
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[wooing]
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Yeah. You guys know who that is?
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- [cheering]
- Yeah. A couple people. Thank you.
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Don McLean, for you guys that don't know,
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sang the song,
"Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie".
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[laughter]
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Yeah, he's old as shit, dude.
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He's 77 years old and so was his audience.
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It was my favorite concert
I've ever been to.
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On the ticket it said
the show started at eight.
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It started at 7:59.
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[laughter]
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He didn't have an opener.
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You know, he just came on stage
with a guitar and started singing.
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It was awesome.
Nobody stood up to like, obstruct my view
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because frankly, everyone had a bad hip.
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- [laughter]
- It was great.
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Still got home in time to watch
the 10 o'clock evening news
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That's my kind of evening.
You know what I mean?
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I don't like going outside anymore.
Too many crazy people, too many weirdos.
252
00:11:10,970 --> 00:11:12,860
One time I went to this dive bar.
253
00:11:13,060 --> 00:11:15,450
In a military town, San Diego,
big military town.
254
00:11:15,650 --> 00:11:17,410
I love my military, okay?
255
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:20,630
But I think sometimes... yeah, yeah,
but I think sometimes,
256
00:11:21,550 --> 00:11:24,250
military people get
a little too passionate.
257
00:11:24,450 --> 00:11:25,750
- [man screams]
- You know?
258
00:11:25,950 --> 00:11:27,370
Thank you. Thank you.
259
00:11:27,570 --> 00:11:28,420
[laughter]
260
00:11:28,620 --> 00:11:29,840
Exactly my point right there.
261
00:11:30,030 --> 00:11:30,960
- [laughter]
- Thank you.
262
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:33,170
I love military,
but they're just too passionate.
263
00:11:33,370 --> 00:11:36,050
Like I was at a dive bar,
this one military brother came up to me,
264
00:11:36,250 --> 00:11:37,230
he was just like, "Hey, man!
265
00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:40,030
I want to buy you a drink."
266
00:11:40,530 --> 00:11:43,850
I'm like, "No, no, thank you.
I can buy my own drink. Thank you."
267
00:11:44,050 --> 00:11:47,120
He was like,
"No! I want to buy you a drink."
268
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:51,730
So at this point, I thought either
he wanted to take a selfie,
269
00:11:51,930 --> 00:11:53,280
or he wanted to fuck me.
270
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,190
[laughter]
271
00:11:55,390 --> 00:11:57,910
So I'm like, "No, sir.
I think I can buy my own drink."
272
00:11:58,100 --> 00:11:59,910
And he starts telling me
his whole life story,
273
00:12:00,110 --> 00:12:01,370
he's like, "You don't understand!
274
00:12:01,570 --> 00:12:03,290
I want to buy you a drink.
275
00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:06,600
Because I was stationed
in Okinawa for four years.
276
00:12:07,430 --> 00:12:09,580
And you guys have been
nothing but nice to me."
277
00:12:09,780 --> 00:12:11,390
[laughter]
278
00:12:17,690 --> 00:12:20,610
I'm like, "You guys"?
"You guys"?
279
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:23,640
"Okinawa's in Japan. I'm Chinese, sir."
280
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:25,350
[laughter]
281
00:12:25,550 --> 00:12:28,350
He was like, "It doesn't matter, man,
it doesn't even matter."
282
00:12:28,550 --> 00:12:29,730
[laughter]
283
00:12:29,930 --> 00:12:31,660
I'm like, "Sir, I think it does matter,
all right?
284
00:12:33,290 --> 00:12:36,070
I'm pretty sure the only reason
you were stationed in Japan,
285
00:12:36,270 --> 00:12:38,740
was to keep an eye out
on Chinese people like me."
286
00:12:38,940 --> 00:12:40,610
[laughter]
287
00:12:40,810 --> 00:12:41,780
"It does matter."
288
00:12:41,980 --> 00:12:43,660
He was like,
"It doesn't even matter, man.
289
00:12:43,860 --> 00:12:45,830
I still love pad thai, okay?"
290
00:12:46,030 --> 00:12:48,100
[laughter]
291
00:12:50,310 --> 00:12:53,190
Maybe that guy will run into BTS
on his next tour, who knows?
292
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:58,840
My point of saying all of this,
is Asian people,
293
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:00,430
we don't all look alike.
294
00:13:00,630 --> 00:13:02,140
We don't all sound alike,
295
00:13:02,340 --> 00:13:04,300
you know, we don't even...
we don't do anything alike.
296
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:06,430
Because we're just people.
You know? Right?
297
00:13:06,630 --> 00:13:07,770
Like, everybody's different.
298
00:13:07,970 --> 00:13:09,100
Thank you, white lady. Thank you.
299
00:13:09,300 --> 00:13:11,020
Thank you, one white lady.
Appreciate it.
300
00:13:11,220 --> 00:13:12,330
Thank you.
301
00:13:12,830 --> 00:13:15,750
She teaches magnet school down the street,
a lot of Asian students.
302
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:23,800
So tonight, I want to offer you guys
an advanced lesson
303
00:13:24,420 --> 00:13:26,700
on how to tell Asian people apart, okay?
304
00:13:26,900 --> 00:13:27,790
[laughter]
305
00:13:27,990 --> 00:13:28,830
Yeah, that's right.
306
00:13:29,030 --> 00:13:32,140
I'm so good at telling Asian people apart,
I don't even have to look at you.
307
00:13:33,060 --> 00:13:35,540
I could tell you what kind of
Asian somebody is
308
00:13:35,740 --> 00:13:38,800
by the sound they make
when they're disappointed.
309
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:40,770
[laughter]
310
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:46,010
'Cause disappointment is
our strongest emotion.
311
00:13:46,210 --> 00:13:49,390
Whenever you get disappointed,
our ancestor just comes out.
312
00:13:49,590 --> 00:13:51,870
And you can't hide that, you know?
313
00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:56,440
Like, for example, I'm Chinese,
I know Chinese people very well, okay?
314
00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:59,320
When Chinese people get disappointed,
we're just disgusted.
315
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:01,040
We don't even want to look at you.
316
00:14:02,130 --> 00:14:04,110
When you disappoint a Chinese person,
they're just like...
317
00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:06,130
[exclaims]
318
00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:07,680
[shushes]
319
00:14:10,510 --> 00:14:13,000
Like they just walked into a smokey room
and they gotta clear it,
320
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:16,270
- just like, pssshhhh...
- [laughter]
321
00:14:18,850 --> 00:14:20,060
See, that's Chinese people.
322
00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:23,430
Japanese people, when Japanese people
get disappointed,
323
00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:25,070
they just want to know why.
324
00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:26,890
They ask you a question.
325
00:14:27,090 --> 00:14:29,600
When a Japanese person gets disappointed,
they're just like,
326
00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:30,680
"Eh?"
327
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:32,990
[laughter]
328
00:14:33,700 --> 00:14:35,080
"Eh?"
329
00:14:35,830 --> 00:14:36,870
And that's it.
330
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,250
You go and disappoint a Korean person,
331
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:43,320
I wouldn't recommend that.
332
00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:45,010
[laughter]
333
00:14:47,340 --> 00:14:49,300
'Cause Korean brother might fuck you up,
okay?
334
00:14:50,220 --> 00:14:52,000
Korean people are intense,
they're ready to fight.
335
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:55,370
But they're my favorite type of people
because they're very emotionally honest.
336
00:14:55,570 --> 00:14:58,380
A Korean person will let you know
when they're disappointed.
337
00:14:58,580 --> 00:15:00,210
They're real guttural,
you know what I mean?
338
00:15:00,410 --> 00:15:03,420
When you disappoint a Korean person,
they're like... [exclaims]
339
00:15:03,620 --> 00:15:05,010
[laughter]
340
00:15:05,210 --> 00:15:06,570
[exclaims]
341
00:15:09,860 --> 00:15:11,930
But they're still very Asian
so they're still real polite,
342
00:15:12,130 --> 00:15:12,890
they'll thank you at the end.
343
00:15:13,090 --> 00:15:15,850
They're like... [exclaims in Korean]
344
00:15:16,050 --> 00:15:17,790
[laughter]
345
00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:24,590
I don't even speak Korean.
346
00:15:26,210 --> 00:15:27,700
But I watch Squid Games.
347
00:15:27,900 --> 00:15:31,340
- [cheering]
-Right? Love that show.
348
00:15:32,300 --> 00:15:36,000
You see, that's great representation.
Number one TV show in the world, man!
349
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:39,210
And they spoke the native tongue,
that's representation, right there, man.
350
00:15:39,410 --> 00:15:40,710
- I'm proud of them.
- [cheering]
351
00:15:40,910 --> 00:15:42,560
I'm proud of them. That's right.
352
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:49,550
But I'm most proud of the fact that I
finally have an easy Halloween costume.
353
00:15:49,750 --> 00:15:52,100
[laughter]
354
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:54,020
Some of you guys don't understand
the struggle
355
00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:55,780
for an an Asian guy
when it comes to Halloween.
356
00:15:56,370 --> 00:15:57,540
Our outfits are limited.
357
00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:00,020
I was Bruce Lee for six years.
358
00:16:00,220 --> 00:16:01,710
[laughter]
359
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:06,360
But this last year,
I had the best Halloween costume.
360
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:09,320
All I did, I went on Amazon,
got like a matching tracksuit,
361
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,490
put three numbers on my chest,
362
00:16:11,690 --> 00:16:13,740
and I found myself an Indian friend.
363
00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:15,260
- He was...
- [laughter]
364
00:16:17,850 --> 00:16:20,420
It was such a great Squid Gamecostume,
somebody came up to me,
365
00:16:20,620 --> 00:16:22,500
he was like, "Oh, my God,
you look just like the girl
366
00:16:22,700 --> 00:16:24,000
in Squid Games!
367
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:25,400
[laughter]
368
00:16:29,110 --> 00:16:32,780
I was like... [exclaims in Korean]
369
00:16:37,030 --> 00:16:39,350
I'm proud of all the representation
out there, man.
370
00:16:39,550 --> 00:16:40,540
Mm, that's right.
371
00:16:41,330 --> 00:16:43,400
Any of you guys seen the show
Silicon Valley?
372
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,290
-[cheering]
-Thank you.Thank you.
373
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:48,990
Thank you.
374
00:16:49,190 --> 00:16:50,660
That was my first big break, man.
375
00:16:50,860 --> 00:16:52,950
I was so grateful to be
a part of that show.
376
00:16:53,150 --> 00:16:55,240
But that was a few years ago
and I always felt like
377
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:57,790
I was the only Asian person
representin', right?
378
00:16:57,990 --> 00:16:59,710
I felt so much weight on my shoulders.
379
00:16:59,910 --> 00:17:03,250
Like, every year, we got very lucky.
We got nominated for an Emmy.
380
00:17:03,450 --> 00:17:05,420
So we get to go to a great ceremony.
381
00:17:05,620 --> 00:17:07,260
But every year we knew
we were going to lose.
382
00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:08,340
[laughter]
383
00:17:08,540 --> 00:17:11,050
Because all the good shows have
front row seats, you know?
384
00:17:11,250 --> 00:17:12,800
Veep, Game of Thronesall here.
385
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,100
We're way the fuck in the back
by the exit sign.
386
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:16,910
[laughter]
387
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:20,100
But it's okay.
Win or lose, I was there to represent.
388
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:21,350
I made sure I made my rounds,
389
00:17:21,550 --> 00:17:25,320
Say hi to everyone, so they know
there's Asian presence, you know?
390
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,190
- [cheering]
- That's right.
391
00:17:27,390 --> 00:17:30,240
So one year, one year, after we lost,
everybody left,
392
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:33,450
I walked down to front row,
to say hi to some of my favorite actors.
393
00:17:33,650 --> 00:17:35,490
And I saw someone, I'm like,
"Oh, my God, that's...
394
00:17:35,690 --> 00:17:37,830
that's Emilia Clarke.
That's Khaleesi.
395
00:17:38,030 --> 00:17:39,830
That's Jon Snow over there, you know?
396
00:17:40,030 --> 00:17:42,620
And there's Rachel Brosnahan.
Do you guys know who she is?
397
00:17:42,820 --> 00:17:44,000
- [cheering]
- Yeah.
398
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,750
I love her. She plays
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.
399
00:17:46,950 --> 00:17:47,750
Great show, right?
400
00:17:47,950 --> 00:17:49,260
- [cheering]
- It's an awesome show.
401
00:17:49,460 --> 00:17:51,430
And I did a movie
with her a few years ago,
402
00:17:51,620 --> 00:17:53,220
so I decided to say hi,
I was like, "Oh, my God,
403
00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:56,720
Rachel, it's so great to see you,
congratulations on everything."
404
00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:58,910
And she was like, "Oh. Okay."
405
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,850
And I'm like, "Okay, she probably
just forgot who I was."
406
00:18:02,050 --> 00:18:05,610
I'm like, "Look, we did a movie like
six years ago called Patriots Day.
407
00:18:05,810 --> 00:18:07,190
You were awesome in that movie.
408
00:18:07,390 --> 00:18:10,030
I just want to congratulate you
in everything you've done so far."
409
00:18:10,230 --> 00:18:12,550
And she was like, [chuckles]
"Yeah, sure."
410
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,450
And I'm like, "Oh. Really..."
411
00:18:15,650 --> 00:18:17,410
[laughter]
412
00:18:17,610 --> 00:18:20,120
Is The Marvelous Mrs. Maisela bitch?
413
00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:21,810
[laughter]
414
00:18:27,190 --> 00:18:29,800
But I wasn't gonna act out of pocket,
I was there to represent.
415
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,340
[laughter]
416
00:18:31,540 --> 00:18:32,340
So I was very nice.
417
00:18:32,540 --> 00:18:35,390
I was just like, "Oh, it's okay,
you just don't remember, um,
418
00:18:35,590 --> 00:18:38,050
anyways, I just want to congratulate you
for all the nominations
419
00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:40,770
on Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.
You're awesome."
420
00:18:40,970 --> 00:18:42,640
And she was like, "Oh...
421
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:44,730
I'm not Rachel Brosnahan."
422
00:18:44,930 --> 00:18:46,870
[laughter]
423
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,480
"I'm Evan Rachel Wood from Westworld."
424
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:52,000
[laughter]
425
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,340
And I was like, "Holy shit!"
426
00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:56,570
I'm the racist person here.
427
00:18:56,770 --> 00:18:58,030
[laughter]
428
00:18:58,230 --> 00:19:00,090
I think all white people look alike.
429
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:03,460
[cheering]
430
00:19:03,650 --> 00:19:05,500
Everyone in the front row was judging me.
431
00:19:05,700 --> 00:19:07,210
Jon Snow was staring me down.
432
00:19:07,410 --> 00:19:08,960
I'm like, "You're a bastard,
you can't even stare."
433
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:10,460
[laughter]
434
00:19:10,660 --> 00:19:11,840
And I didn't know what to do right?
435
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:14,260
I profusely sweating,
my face was flush red,
436
00:19:14,460 --> 00:19:16,590
So I'm like,
"Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
437
00:19:16,790 --> 00:19:18,850
But either way, it's so nice to meet you.
438
00:19:19,050 --> 00:19:20,390
My name is Awkwafina."
And I just...
439
00:19:20,590 --> 00:19:22,320
[laughter]
440
00:19:25,740 --> 00:19:26,870
That's right.
441
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:32,750
That's why it's good to have other
representation out there.
442
00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:36,030
Asian people, we don't all look alike.
443
00:19:36,230 --> 00:19:37,700
Until we need to.
444
00:19:37,900 --> 00:19:39,590
[laughter]
445
00:19:42,220 --> 00:19:43,750
I got a girlfriend now.
446
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:46,140
- [cheering]
- Thank you.
447
00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:49,960
I love her very much, man,
she's an amazing person.
448
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:53,170
She's very successful.
My girlfriend's a venture capitalist.
449
00:19:53,370 --> 00:19:54,210
[oohing]
450
00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:56,170
Yeah, fucking jackpot, right? You know?
451
00:19:56,370 --> 00:19:57,630
[laughter]
452
00:19:57,830 --> 00:19:58,800
It's great. It's great.
453
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,010
Uh, for you guys that don't know what
a venture capital means,
454
00:20:01,210 --> 00:20:03,680
uh, it means that I'm
the poorest person she knows.
455
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:05,430
[laughter]
456
00:20:05,630 --> 00:20:08,140
And what that really means is
I'm her sugar baby.
457
00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:09,270
So it's great.
458
00:20:09,470 --> 00:20:11,020
- [cheering]
- That's right. That's right.
459
00:20:11,220 --> 00:20:13,500
Gender equality!
That's what I'm talking about.
460
00:20:14,290 --> 00:20:16,280
It's time for men to get taken care of,
that's right.
461
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:19,030
See that brother high-fiving his girl?
Appreciate you, man.
462
00:20:19,230 --> 00:20:20,910
Fellow sugar baby. Come on.
463
00:20:21,110 --> 00:20:22,780
That's right. That's right.
464
00:20:22,980 --> 00:20:23,870
I love her, man.
465
00:20:24,070 --> 00:20:25,790
I'm tryin'... I'm tryin' to be
a better boyfriend.
466
00:20:25,990 --> 00:20:28,210
I'm new to this, like,
boyfriend stuff, right?
467
00:20:28,410 --> 00:20:30,790
I used to take everything so personally.
468
00:20:30,990 --> 00:20:32,250
Like, every time we get into a fight,
469
00:20:32,450 --> 00:20:34,770
I'm like, "Babe, why are you...
why are you mad at me?"
470
00:20:35,980 --> 00:20:37,630
I'm the perfect boyfriend."
471
00:20:37,830 --> 00:20:38,840
[laughter]
472
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:40,140
Wrong answer.
473
00:20:40,330 --> 00:20:41,600
[laughter]
474
00:20:41,790 --> 00:20:42,720
Fellas, fellas,
475
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,810
if your girl's mad at you,
you can't take that shit personally.
476
00:20:46,010 --> 00:20:47,660
Because it's not even about you.
477
00:20:48,700 --> 00:20:50,770
She doesn't even know what
she's mad about.
478
00:20:50,970 --> 00:20:51,980
[laughter]
479
00:20:52,180 --> 00:20:54,330
You just happen to be there,
you know what I mean?
480
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,190
You're a victim of circumstance, man.
481
00:20:57,390 --> 00:20:58,900
[laughter]
482
00:20:59,100 --> 00:21:01,360
So it's not your job to engage
in an argument,
483
00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,080
it's your job to diffuse the situation.
484
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:06,140
You gotta jiu-jitsu that shit
485
00:21:07,260 --> 00:21:09,600
until you get to
the bottom of the real problem.
486
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:12,250
Like the other week, she was mad at me
about something,
487
00:21:12,450 --> 00:21:14,420
she was like, "Babe, I feel like
we don't even go on
488
00:21:14,620 --> 00:21:16,170
like date nights anymore."
489
00:21:16,370 --> 00:21:17,460
I'm like, "Okay."
490
00:21:17,660 --> 00:21:19,510
[laughter]
491
00:21:19,710 --> 00:21:20,550
"I hear you."
492
00:21:20,750 --> 00:21:22,590
[laughter]
493
00:21:22,790 --> 00:21:24,260
"But what's really going on?"
494
00:21:24,460 --> 00:21:26,200
[laughter]
495
00:21:29,870 --> 00:21:31,980
And she was like, "Well, sometimes
I feel like you like hanging out
496
00:21:32,180 --> 00:21:34,440
with your buddies more than you like
hanging out with me."
497
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,370
And I'm like, "Okay...
498
00:21:37,710 --> 00:21:38,650
I hear you."
499
00:21:38,850 --> 00:21:40,200
[laughter]
500
00:21:40,390 --> 00:21:41,780
"But what's really going on?"
501
00:21:41,980 --> 00:21:43,590
[laughter]
502
00:21:47,970 --> 00:21:49,700
And then she takes a deep breath.
503
00:21:49,900 --> 00:21:51,080
And she goes like,
504
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:52,680
[exhales]
505
00:21:53,470 --> 00:21:54,920
"Remember last week at my birthday?
506
00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:56,840
Heather brought a cousin
and she didn't even know my name."
507
00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:58,250
I was like, "See, that's your problem
right there."
508
00:21:58,450 --> 00:22:00,690
[laughter]
509
00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:03,070
It ain't got nothin' to do with me!
510
00:22:04,940 --> 00:22:07,100
Heather's cousin's a bitch, you know,
fuck her, man.
511
00:22:07,300 --> 00:22:09,120
Let's focus our energy on her.
512
00:22:12,450 --> 00:22:14,900
Tryin' to be a better communicator, man.
513
00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:17,540
My girl always wants me
to talk about my feelings.
514
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:21,070
She's like, "Babe, I wish you would talk
about your feelings more."
515
00:22:21,270 --> 00:22:22,860
I'm like, "I feel fine."
516
00:22:23,060 --> 00:22:24,960
[laughter]
517
00:22:25,630 --> 00:22:27,200
What more do you want me to say?
518
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:28,700
I don't know,
I'm not that emotionally involved...
519
00:22:28,900 --> 00:22:30,260
I don't know what else... I'm fine.
520
00:22:31,140 --> 00:22:32,870
But don't keep asking me that.
521
00:22:33,070 --> 00:22:35,750
'Cause the fifth time you ask me that,
I might not be fine.
522
00:22:35,950 --> 00:22:36,960
[laughter]
523
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:39,300
The fifth time you ask me that,
she has some dark shit
524
00:22:39,500 --> 00:22:40,610
that's gonna come out.
525
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:42,590
It's like, "Babe, how are you feeling?"
526
00:22:42,790 --> 00:22:44,900
"I don't know, I'm angry all the time.
527
00:22:45,570 --> 00:22:48,430
Because my dad yelled at me
after ping pong practice."
528
00:22:48,630 --> 00:22:50,570
[laughter]
529
00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:55,100
See, guys and girls,
we're just different, man.
530
00:22:55,300 --> 00:22:57,690
Girls are so emotionally evolved.
531
00:22:57,890 --> 00:22:59,940
You know, we even hang out different.
532
00:23:00,140 --> 00:23:01,740
One night, I came home early.
533
00:23:01,930 --> 00:23:04,240
My girl was having a girl's night
at the house.
534
00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:06,320
I've never seen anything like that.
535
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:08,070
[laughter]
536
00:23:08,270 --> 00:23:09,870
The TV was off.
537
00:23:10,070 --> 00:23:12,430
Seven girls sitting in a circle.
538
00:23:13,430 --> 00:23:16,140
Making direct eye contact with each other.
539
00:23:17,060 --> 00:23:19,460
Every candle in the house was lit.
540
00:23:19,660 --> 00:23:21,090
[laughter]
541
00:23:21,290 --> 00:23:23,970
And I walked by, I'm like,
"What is this witchcraft?"
542
00:23:24,170 --> 00:23:25,340
[laughter]
543
00:23:25,540 --> 00:23:27,110
And I just backed into my own room.
544
00:23:28,690 --> 00:23:31,100
Fellas, we hang out different.
545
00:23:31,300 --> 00:23:34,370
Guys, when we hang out,
we sit in a straight line.
546
00:23:35,870 --> 00:23:37,940
TV on full blast.
547
00:23:38,140 --> 00:23:40,330
Zero eye contact with each other.
548
00:23:41,330 --> 00:23:43,690
My girl came home early,
she was so confused.
549
00:23:43,890 --> 00:23:47,070
She was like, "Babe, you guys
didn't talk for like, six hours."
550
00:23:47,270 --> 00:23:49,160
I'm like,
"Yeah, isn't that fuckin' awesome?!"
551
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:51,760
[cheering]
552
00:23:53,260 --> 00:23:55,560
That's us. That's guys.
553
00:23:58,350 --> 00:24:01,710
But in a relationship, it's important
to speak the same language.
554
00:24:01,910 --> 00:24:03,920
My girl asked me, she was like,
"Babe...
555
00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:05,510
what's your love language?"
556
00:24:05,710 --> 00:24:07,010
[laughter]
557
00:24:07,210 --> 00:24:08,180
I'm like, "What?"
558
00:24:08,380 --> 00:24:09,590
[laughter]
559
00:24:09,790 --> 00:24:11,260
She's like,
"You know, your love language.
560
00:24:11,460 --> 00:24:14,220
Like, how do you convey love
to your partners and loved ones?
561
00:24:14,420 --> 00:24:18,270
Like for example, a love language
could be words of affirmation."
562
00:24:18,470 --> 00:24:21,520
[laughing] "Words of affirmation"?
563
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:23,230
[laughter]
564
00:24:23,430 --> 00:24:25,320
I was raised by Asian parents.
565
00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:26,790
[laughter]
566
00:24:28,090 --> 00:24:31,090
I never heard one word
of affirmation in my life!
567
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:35,910
Nobody ever told me,
"Jimmy, you're so great, you can do it."
568
00:24:36,110 --> 00:24:37,540
They're like, "Don't fuck it up!"
569
00:24:37,740 --> 00:24:39,270
[laughter]
570
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:42,840
Their love language was verbal abuse.
571
00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:44,770
[laughter]
572
00:24:46,940 --> 00:24:49,480
I'm trying to figure out
what my love language is.
573
00:24:50,150 --> 00:24:51,640
Physical touch?
574
00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:53,560
Right? It's another love language.
575
00:24:53,750 --> 00:24:55,890
Nobody touched me till I was 22.
576
00:24:56,090 --> 00:24:58,530
- [laughter]
- I'm not familiar with that.
577
00:25:00,790 --> 00:25:03,080
What are some other love languages?
578
00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:06,070
[crowd shouts indistinctly]
579
00:25:06,270 --> 00:25:07,340
Acts of ser...
580
00:25:08,090 --> 00:25:08,960
Well... [stammers]
581
00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:11,920
[laughter]
582
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:15,120
I like... I like every woman
is just screaming out
583
00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:17,450
"Act of... Act of service!"
584
00:25:17,650 --> 00:25:18,960
[laughter]
585
00:25:19,150 --> 00:25:20,460
"Gift giving!"
586
00:25:20,660 --> 00:25:22,350
[laughter]
587
00:25:23,270 --> 00:25:25,750
[laughs]
588
00:25:25,950 --> 00:25:29,590
I think gift giving is a good one, okay?
I love giving gifts to my girl.
589
00:25:29,790 --> 00:25:32,220
She loves giving gifts to me.
We love that, right?
590
00:25:32,420 --> 00:25:34,640
Like for example,
I love buying my girl shoes.
591
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:38,020
She loves shoes,
and we wear the same shoe size.
592
00:25:38,220 --> 00:25:40,440
[laughter]
593
00:25:40,630 --> 00:25:43,190
The perfect gift for the whole family.
You know what I mean?
594
00:25:43,390 --> 00:25:45,150
These are her shoes tonight, you know?
595
00:25:45,350 --> 00:25:46,520
Fits me perfect.
596
00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:48,320
[cheering]
597
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,780
That's right. And in return,
598
00:25:50,980 --> 00:25:52,760
I let her wear all my Jordans.
599
00:25:53,630 --> 00:25:55,370
Yeah, guys, you know that's love.
600
00:25:55,570 --> 00:25:58,330
'Cause Jordans to guys,
that's our most prized possession.
601
00:25:58,530 --> 00:26:00,960
If we let you slip into our Jordans,
602
00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:03,790
that's like you letting us slip into you.
603
00:26:03,990 --> 00:26:06,890
- You know? Same thing.
- [laughter]
604
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:11,300
But sometimes,
sometimes I get a little nervous.
605
00:26:11,500 --> 00:26:13,720
Because her feet's a little dirty, okay?
606
00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:15,760
[laughter]
607
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:18,890
And she's a white girl so her feet are
extra dirty, like, you know what I mean?
608
00:26:19,090 --> 00:26:20,640
- Like I don't know...
- [laughter]
609
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:23,490
White people, I don't know what the fuck
you guys do to your feet all day?
610
00:26:24,870 --> 00:26:26,310
You guys just barefoot all the time?
611
00:26:26,510 --> 00:26:29,280
Frolicking around like Jenny
from Forrest Gump, you know?
612
00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:31,380
[laughter]
613
00:26:32,670 --> 00:26:35,420
White people, you guys got some
strong-ass feet, man.
614
00:26:36,550 --> 00:26:40,450
Just 120 degrees outside, hot cement,
just like, pssss...
615
00:26:40,650 --> 00:26:42,160
[laughter]
616
00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:44,290
Y'all got some hunter-gatherer feet.
617
00:26:44,490 --> 00:26:46,350
[laughter]
618
00:26:47,980 --> 00:26:51,800
See, every culture, we got different feet
etiquette, all right?
619
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:54,720
White people want to get in touch
with Mother Earth. That's great.
620
00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:56,760
[laughter]
621
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:58,260
Black people on the other hand,
622
00:26:58,460 --> 00:27:00,640
I lived with a Black roommate
for six years.
623
00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:02,270
Never saw his toes once.
624
00:27:02,470 --> 00:27:04,290
[laughter]
625
00:27:05,120 --> 00:27:08,610
He came out the shower with socks on, man!
I'm like, "W...what the...?"
626
00:27:08,810 --> 00:27:10,440
You got a sock drawer in there, brother?
627
00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:11,880
[laughter]
628
00:27:14,420 --> 00:27:16,490
Asian people, you guys know the rule.
629
00:27:16,690 --> 00:27:18,830
When you come into the house,
you take your shoes off, right?
630
00:27:19,020 --> 00:27:20,790
You're like, we all know that. Yeah.
631
00:27:20,980 --> 00:27:22,660
- Yeah.
- [cheering]
632
00:27:22,860 --> 00:27:25,430
But our... our feet actually
never touch the floor.
633
00:27:26,060 --> 00:27:27,670
'Cause when you take your shoes off
at the house,
634
00:27:27,870 --> 00:27:29,460
we got two pairs of house shoes
ready for you.
635
00:27:29,660 --> 00:27:30,710
[laughter]
636
00:27:30,910 --> 00:27:33,720
And then when you walk outside,
we got two pairs of Crocs ready for you.
637
00:27:33,910 --> 00:27:34,720
[laughter]
638
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:36,630
And then when you come back
in the bedroom,
639
00:27:36,830 --> 00:27:39,970
we got two other pairs of slippers
that we stole from a hotel in Vegas.
640
00:27:40,170 --> 00:27:42,310
[laughter]
641
00:27:42,510 --> 00:27:45,600
[cheering]
642
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:46,850
We're ready.
643
00:27:47,050 --> 00:27:48,690
Our feet never touch the floor,
644
00:27:48,890 --> 00:27:50,190
We got baby-soft feet.
645
00:27:50,390 --> 00:27:51,750
[laughter]
646
00:27:53,750 --> 00:27:56,240
I think Asian people, our most natural
love language
647
00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:58,280
is act of service, right?
648
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:01,740
That's what our parents did to us,
they might never say, "I love you,"
649
00:28:01,940 --> 00:28:03,910
but they did a lot of nice things for us.
650
00:28:04,110 --> 00:28:06,500
Every... every night, I don't care
how busy my parents were,
651
00:28:06,700 --> 00:28:08,620
they'll come home
and make a five-course meal.
652
00:28:08,820 --> 00:28:10,250
That's love right there, right?
653
00:28:10,450 --> 00:28:12,250
Yeah, give it up for them.
Give it up. That's right.
654
00:28:12,450 --> 00:28:15,730
[cheering]
655
00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:18,800
In our culture, food is love.
656
00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:21,350
I love cooking for my girl,
we love cooking together.
657
00:28:21,550 --> 00:28:22,760
Food is love.
658
00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:25,520
That's why I hate watching all these
reality cooking shows.
659
00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:28,240
When they make food so frickin' stressful.
660
00:28:28,910 --> 00:28:31,690
Like all these guys
with aggressive tattoos,
661
00:28:31,890 --> 00:28:33,440
and they're just sweating it
in the kitchen, they're like,
662
00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:35,190
"Yes, Chef! Yes, Chef!
663
00:28:35,390 --> 00:28:38,200
Two minutes, two minutes,
it's still raw! It's still raw!"
664
00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:40,450
And they're just making fucking scallops.
665
00:28:40,650 --> 00:28:42,620
[laughter]
666
00:28:42,820 --> 00:28:45,680
There's two items on the menu
and they can't handle that shit.
667
00:28:47,050 --> 00:28:51,000
You go to any Chinese restaurant,
there's about 485 items on the menu.
668
00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:52,790
[laughter]
669
00:28:52,990 --> 00:28:54,880
And there's one dude back there
in the kitchen.
670
00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:56,510
[laughter]
671
00:28:56,710 --> 00:28:59,180
He's not even a chef,
he's somebody's uncle from Hong Kong.
672
00:28:59,370 --> 00:29:01,400
[laughter]
673
00:29:03,030 --> 00:29:05,990
And he knows how to make everything
in under thirty seconds.
674
00:29:06,660 --> 00:29:08,770
That guy's the real hero,
you know what I mean?
675
00:29:08,970 --> 00:29:12,250
He got a yellow wife-beater
that he brought from the old country.
676
00:29:13,250 --> 00:29:16,820
Just chilling near the wok,
cigarette in his mouth, just like...
677
00:29:17,020 --> 00:29:18,420
[laughter]
678
00:29:20,550 --> 00:29:23,260
[cheering]
679
00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:33,230
That guy's a gangsta, man.
680
00:29:34,390 --> 00:29:36,900
And he just cusses candidly in Cantonese,
just like...
681
00:29:38,770 --> 00:29:40,170
[speaks in Cantonese]
682
00:29:40,370 --> 00:29:41,820
[laughter]
683
00:29:46,110 --> 00:29:48,180
Any of you guys speak Cantonese here?
684
00:29:48,380 --> 00:29:50,730
- [cheering]
- Couple of you guys.
685
00:29:50,930 --> 00:29:53,100
I was born in Hong Kong,
that's my first language.
686
00:29:53,300 --> 00:29:54,610
I love that language, right?
687
00:29:54,810 --> 00:29:56,860
I think it's the most fun language
to speak.
688
00:29:57,060 --> 00:29:59,320
Because it's the most
fun language to cuss in.
689
00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:00,360
[laughter]
690
00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:03,280
In Cantonese, you could just like
low-key casually cuss.
691
00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:06,620
Like, you go to Chinatown, you see,
like, a nice old man walk by.
692
00:30:06,820 --> 00:30:07,740
He would just be like,
693
00:30:07,940 --> 00:30:11,120
[speaking in Cantonese]
694
00:30:11,320 --> 00:30:12,870
Right, that sounds really nice, right?
695
00:30:13,070 --> 00:30:15,040
But what he actually said was like,
696
00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:18,340
"Oh, fuck your mother
and hope your whole family dies."
697
00:30:18,540 --> 00:30:20,090
[laughter]
698
00:30:20,290 --> 00:30:21,900
That's Cantonese, man!
699
00:30:23,030 --> 00:30:25,740
You gotta love it. You gotta love it, man.
700
00:30:28,070 --> 00:30:29,270
In a relationship,
701
00:30:29,460 --> 00:30:31,850
I think it's important to know
how you convey love
702
00:30:32,050 --> 00:30:34,940
but it's just as important to know
how you receive love.
703
00:30:35,140 --> 00:30:38,360
You gotta be vulnerable and let
your partner do nice things for you.
704
00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:40,150
See, I'm not very good at that.
705
00:30:40,350 --> 00:30:43,650
I...I'm terrible at, like,
directly asking for things that I want.
706
00:30:43,850 --> 00:30:46,070
So instead, I just drop little hints.
707
00:30:46,270 --> 00:30:47,660
[laughter]
708
00:30:47,860 --> 00:30:49,410
That's called being passive aggressive.
709
00:30:49,610 --> 00:30:51,080
[laughter]
710
00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:52,970
Don't do that. Don't do that.
711
00:30:53,890 --> 00:30:57,420
Like for example, I love watching these
YouTube videos
712
00:30:57,620 --> 00:31:00,760
of Japanese housewives making bento boxes.
713
00:31:00,950 --> 00:31:02,840
[laughter]
714
00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:06,720
It's very nice, very cute,
it's like a little ASMR, you know?
715
00:31:06,920 --> 00:31:09,470
And it's just really nice, this Japanese
woman wakes up at six a.m. every day
716
00:31:09,670 --> 00:31:11,740
to make her working husband a bento box.
717
00:31:12,660 --> 00:31:15,940
But I can't ask my venture capitalist
girlfriend to make me a bento box.
718
00:31:16,140 --> 00:31:16,900
[laughter]
719
00:31:17,100 --> 00:31:18,940
I'm not an idiot, I'm a sugar baby.
720
00:31:19,140 --> 00:31:21,420
- [laughter]
- I know my role.
721
00:31:22,460 --> 00:31:24,360
So instead of asking her directly,
722
00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:26,260
I just drop little hints.
723
00:31:26,840 --> 00:31:28,620
Like we would be
sitting on the couch together.
724
00:31:28,820 --> 00:31:30,540
I just pull out my phone...
725
00:31:30,730 --> 00:31:33,870
and pretend I accidentally
stumble on this video.
726
00:31:34,070 --> 00:31:35,620
[laughter]
727
00:31:35,820 --> 00:31:37,790
I'm like, "Oh, what is this?
728
00:31:37,990 --> 00:31:39,210
Bento boxes?"
729
00:31:39,410 --> 00:31:40,800
[laughter]
730
00:31:40,990 --> 00:31:42,630
"Oh, my God, it's so cute,
what is that,
731
00:31:42,830 --> 00:31:45,220
like a rice ball shaped like a panda?
Look, look, look, look!"
732
00:31:45,420 --> 00:31:46,260
[laughter]
733
00:31:46,460 --> 00:31:49,220
"Wow, so she makes this
every day for him?"
734
00:31:49,420 --> 00:31:50,720
[laughter]
735
00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:53,980
"Wow, she must love him so much!"
736
00:31:54,170 --> 00:31:55,410
[laughter]
737
00:31:56,580 --> 00:31:58,120
I thought I was being slick.
738
00:31:59,290 --> 00:32:01,150
Until she came out to one of my shows.
739
00:32:01,350 --> 00:32:02,820
[laughter]
740
00:32:03,020 --> 00:32:04,280
And she heard this joke.
741
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:05,700
[laughter]
742
00:32:05,890 --> 00:32:07,240
And she was really upset, man.
743
00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:09,870
And rightfully so, I was just up here
talking shit, right?
744
00:32:10,070 --> 00:32:11,910
We went home, we got into a big fight,
she was like,
745
00:32:12,110 --> 00:32:13,950
"Babe, that's bullshit, okay?
746
00:32:14,150 --> 00:32:16,460
If you want me to do something,
why don't you just ask me directly?"
747
00:32:16,660 --> 00:32:18,830
And if you really want somebody to make
you bento boxes,
748
00:32:19,030 --> 00:32:21,210
why don't you just find a Japanese woman?"
749
00:32:21,410 --> 00:32:23,250
[crowd "oh's"]
750
00:32:23,450 --> 00:32:25,720
I'm like,
"Babe, I'm sorry you feel that way.
751
00:32:25,910 --> 00:32:28,690
Uh, okay.
But I think you're missing the point.
752
00:32:29,690 --> 00:32:32,430
You don't have to be Japanese
to make bento boxes."
753
00:32:32,630 --> 00:32:34,910
[laughter]
754
00:32:38,830 --> 00:32:40,100
[whistling]
755
00:32:40,300 --> 00:32:42,690
- [laughter]
- That's right.
756
00:32:42,890 --> 00:32:43,730
That's right.
757
00:32:43,930 --> 00:32:46,070
[cheering]
758
00:32:46,270 --> 00:32:48,610
So now I'm making her
bento boxes every day.
759
00:32:48,810 --> 00:32:50,460
[laughter]
760
00:32:51,470 --> 00:32:52,740
It's how I show my love.
761
00:32:52,940 --> 00:32:55,640
[cheering]
762
00:32:56,350 --> 00:32:57,830
You gotta love the people around you.
763
00:32:58,030 --> 00:32:59,580
You gotta be nice
to the people around you.
764
00:32:59,780 --> 00:33:03,210
Your partner, your family, your friends.
765
00:33:03,410 --> 00:33:05,210
You gotta keep the day-ones around, man.
766
00:33:05,410 --> 00:33:07,170
You know, everybody when
I was coming up in the game,
767
00:33:07,370 --> 00:33:09,130
they gave me this advice,
they're like, "Hey, Jimmy,
768
00:33:09,330 --> 00:33:12,720
you want to be successful,
hang out with successful people.
769
00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:15,310
Because birds of a feather,
flock together."
770
00:33:15,510 --> 00:33:18,520
That's right, man, that's right.
You guys heard this before, right?
771
00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:20,390
It's fuckin' bullshit, okay?!
772
00:33:20,590 --> 00:33:21,690
[laughter]
773
00:33:21,890 --> 00:33:23,620
Successful people are so boring.
774
00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:26,530
I hung out with successful people,
they got a successful job,
775
00:33:26,730 --> 00:33:27,780
they got a successful family,
776
00:33:27,980 --> 00:33:30,030
they don't have time to hang out
with your mediocre ass.
777
00:33:30,230 --> 00:33:31,610
[laughter]
778
00:33:31,810 --> 00:33:33,700
So my real advice to everyone...
779
00:33:33,900 --> 00:33:36,240
is to find yourself more loser friends.
780
00:33:36,440 --> 00:33:37,790
[laughter]
781
00:33:37,990 --> 00:33:40,410
That's right. That's right. That's right.
I see some of you guys clapping,
782
00:33:40,610 --> 00:33:42,960
the ones that are not, you're probably
the loser friend, which is fine.
783
00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:44,250
- I love you.
- [laughter]
784
00:33:44,450 --> 00:33:45,460
I love you.
785
00:33:45,660 --> 00:33:47,710
[cheering]
786
00:33:47,910 --> 00:33:49,970
I love all my friends, man,
all my day-ones.
787
00:33:50,170 --> 00:33:53,180
I used to live in a one-bedroom apartment
with three comedians.
788
00:33:53,380 --> 00:33:55,890
Yeah, ain't nothing wrong with that.
I was proud of that, it was all good.
789
00:33:56,090 --> 00:33:57,350
They're still my close friends.
790
00:33:57,550 --> 00:34:01,140
One of my best friends' name is Guam.
Guam Felix. Yeah.
791
00:34:01,340 --> 00:34:04,770
He's a comedian, uh, he's named after
the island he was born on,
792
00:34:04,970 --> 00:34:06,150
Guam.
793
00:34:06,350 --> 00:34:07,940
Like you know you kinda hood
794
00:34:08,140 --> 00:34:10,490
when you're named after
the island you were born on.
795
00:34:10,690 --> 00:34:11,860
[laughter]
796
00:34:12,060 --> 00:34:15,070
Like if I came out tonight and they
introduced me as "Hong Kong Jimmy"...
797
00:34:15,270 --> 00:34:17,680
[laughter]
798
00:34:18,890 --> 00:34:20,790
I'll probably be selling drugs outside,
you know what I mean?
799
00:34:20,990 --> 00:34:22,600
[laughter]
800
00:34:24,100 --> 00:34:25,840
But Guam's one of
my greatest friends, man.
801
00:34:26,030 --> 00:34:27,840
He's just a good dude,
he's just a happy-go-around guy.
802
00:34:28,040 --> 00:34:28,750
You know?
803
00:34:28,950 --> 00:34:30,880
He crashed in my living room for months,
804
00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:33,590
and I asked him,
"Hey, Guam, you got any plans?
805
00:34:33,790 --> 00:34:35,260
You gonna go get a job or something?"
806
00:34:35,460 --> 00:34:37,110
He was like, "Naw, dawg,
807
00:34:37,990 --> 00:34:40,640
I'm gonna get on that
government disability, homie!"
808
00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:41,980
[laughter]
809
00:34:42,180 --> 00:34:43,810
And I'm like, "Okay, are you disabled?"
810
00:34:44,010 --> 00:34:45,480
He was like, "Yeah, I think so, dawg."
811
00:34:45,680 --> 00:34:46,480
[laughter]
812
00:34:46,680 --> 00:34:48,570
"I threw out my back
when I was 19, homie."
813
00:34:48,770 --> 00:34:50,480
I'm like, "Okay, you're 42 right now.
814
00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:52,420
I don't think that's
gonna work out for you."
815
00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:54,700
See, Guam is great.
816
00:34:54,900 --> 00:34:57,280
He lives by the creed where anything good
that happens to him,
817
00:34:57,480 --> 00:34:58,950
he makes sure to thank God.
818
00:34:59,150 --> 00:35:00,240
- Right? That's great.
- [audience member whoops]
819
00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:03,790
And anything bad that happens to him,
he makes sure to blame the government.
820
00:35:03,990 --> 00:35:05,040
[laughter]
821
00:35:05,240 --> 00:35:08,890
It's a great way to live when you take
zero personal responsibility.
822
00:35:10,270 --> 00:35:12,510
Like, he would say shit like,
"Oh, damn,
823
00:35:12,710 --> 00:35:15,510
they gave me a speeding ticket
and took away my license, dawg!
824
00:35:15,710 --> 00:35:17,850
You see, that's how
the government fucks you."
825
00:35:18,040 --> 00:35:19,510
[laughter]
826
00:35:19,710 --> 00:35:21,470
I'm like, "No, I'm pretty sure that's how
you fuck yourself."
827
00:35:21,670 --> 00:35:23,180
[laughter]
828
00:35:23,380 --> 00:35:25,560
And on the positive side,
he would say things like,
829
00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:27,440
"I just want to thank God,
830
00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:29,570
'cause he let me stay with you, dawg."
831
00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:31,480
[laughter]
832
00:35:31,680 --> 00:35:33,490
I'm like, "No, you should thank me,
motherfucker."
833
00:35:33,690 --> 00:35:35,610
[laughter]
834
00:35:35,810 --> 00:35:37,660
I let you stay with me!
835
00:35:37,860 --> 00:35:41,340
[cheering]
836
00:35:42,470 --> 00:35:45,750
But I love Guam, man, he's just
a happy-go-lucky guy,
837
00:35:45,950 --> 00:35:47,830
doesn't have a lot of ambition in life.
838
00:35:48,030 --> 00:35:50,040
His dream in life is to win the lottery.
839
00:35:50,240 --> 00:35:51,550
[laughter]
840
00:35:51,750 --> 00:35:55,260
His catch phrase is,
"When I win the lottery, dawg..."
841
00:35:55,460 --> 00:35:56,970
[laughter]
842
00:35:57,170 --> 00:36:00,180
But he doesn't even have good goals
for when he doeswin the lottery,
843
00:36:00,380 --> 00:36:02,890
because he will say shit like,
"When I win the lottery,
844
00:36:03,090 --> 00:36:05,140
we going to the buffet, dawg."
845
00:36:05,340 --> 00:36:07,160
[laughs]
846
00:36:08,410 --> 00:36:10,690
I'm like,
"Bro, we could do that right now, bro."
847
00:36:10,890 --> 00:36:12,370
[laughter]
848
00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:17,360
But Guam was a man of his word.
Not only would he buy lottery tickets,
849
00:36:17,560 --> 00:36:22,120
he stood in line in every single game show
in LA to try to win his lottery.
850
00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:25,000
And he finally got on this game show
called Let's Make a Deal.
851
00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:26,250
Have you guys seen that?
852
00:36:26,450 --> 00:36:27,670
- [cheering]
- Yes, the show that comes on
853
00:36:27,860 --> 00:36:30,000
hosted by Wayne Brady,
before The Price is Right.
854
00:36:30,200 --> 00:36:32,840
But in order to get on that show,
you have to wear a costume.
855
00:36:33,040 --> 00:36:35,590
And Guam is like
a big Pacific Islander brother.
856
00:36:35,790 --> 00:36:37,610
So his costume options were limited.
857
00:36:38,530 --> 00:36:40,300
He could either be Moana...
858
00:36:40,500 --> 00:36:41,470
[laughter]
859
00:36:41,670 --> 00:36:43,410
...or The Rock. You know?
860
00:36:44,200 --> 00:36:46,350
So he decided to make his own costume.
861
00:36:46,550 --> 00:36:48,690
He cut up a blue bedsheet,
862
00:36:48,890 --> 00:36:50,230
draped it over his body.
863
00:36:50,430 --> 00:36:52,830
and then he got a Chinese rice paddy hat.
864
00:36:53,790 --> 00:36:55,000
And he just wore it.
865
00:36:55,790 --> 00:36:57,070
I'm like, "Guam, what the fuck?"
866
00:36:57,270 --> 00:36:58,150
[laughter]
867
00:36:58,350 --> 00:37:00,360
"What are you, dressed as
Ho Chi Minh or some shit?"
868
00:37:00,560 --> 00:37:01,620
[laughter]
869
00:37:01,820 --> 00:37:03,410
He was like, "No, dawg,
870
00:37:03,610 --> 00:37:06,700
I'm Master Raiden
from Mortal Kombat, homie."
871
00:37:06,900 --> 00:37:08,720
[laughter]
872
00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:12,140
This is a true story.
873
00:37:12,850 --> 00:37:16,010
He went on national TV dressed up
as Master Raiden.
874
00:37:16,200 --> 00:37:17,550
[laughter]
875
00:37:17,750 --> 00:37:19,900
And it's actually an inspirational story.
876
00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:21,680
He actually won.
877
00:37:21,880 --> 00:37:23,470
[cheering]
878
00:37:23,670 --> 00:37:24,530
Yeah.
879
00:37:26,950 --> 00:37:29,140
He won the "Big Deal of the Day."
880
00:37:29,340 --> 00:37:31,690
It was a $5,000 living room set.
881
00:37:31,890 --> 00:37:33,360
[laughter]
882
00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:35,270
Which was perfect for my living room.
883
00:37:35,470 --> 00:37:37,380
[laughter]
884
00:37:38,880 --> 00:37:41,320
But he dreamed big,
he wanted to win this big prize.
885
00:37:41,520 --> 00:37:43,780
So he traded it in for the
"Super Deal of the Week,"
886
00:37:43,980 --> 00:37:45,330
and I'm like, "This fucking idiot."
887
00:37:45,530 --> 00:37:46,790
[laughter]
888
00:37:46,990 --> 00:37:49,160
He traded it in
for a one-out-of-three chance
889
00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:51,460
to win $50,000 cash.
890
00:37:51,660 --> 00:37:53,770
One of the biggest prizes
on the show ever.
891
00:37:54,180 --> 00:37:55,250
And he won!
892
00:37:55,450 --> 00:37:57,960
- [cheering]
- That was his lottery!
893
00:37:58,160 --> 00:37:59,760
His dream came true.
894
00:37:59,960 --> 00:38:02,550
I was watching TV,
it was the most magical moment.
895
00:38:02,750 --> 00:38:05,180
Money started falling down
on his rice paddy hat.
896
00:38:05,380 --> 00:38:08,220
And he was so happy, he started doing
jumping jacks and shit.
897
00:38:08,420 --> 00:38:10,310
And started swimming in the pool of money.
898
00:38:10,510 --> 00:38:11,730
And I was watching, I was like,
899
00:38:11,930 --> 00:38:13,980
"I knew this motherfucker's not disabled,
look at him!"
900
00:38:14,180 --> 00:38:16,500
[laughter]
901
00:38:17,250 --> 00:38:18,670
He's very capable!
902
00:38:19,750 --> 00:38:22,110
And he started crying on national TV.
He was so happy.
903
00:38:22,310 --> 00:38:24,780
And Wayne Brady was like,
"Guam, congratulations,
904
00:38:24,980 --> 00:38:27,200
what are you gonna do with that $50,000?"
905
00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:29,950
And he was like,
"We going to the buffet, dawg!"
906
00:38:30,150 --> 00:38:32,350
[laughter]
907
00:38:34,270 --> 00:38:35,210
Right!
908
00:38:35,410 --> 00:38:36,590
[cheering]
909
00:38:36,790 --> 00:38:37,600
Right!
910
00:38:39,310 --> 00:38:40,670
That's a good friend, man!
911
00:38:40,870 --> 00:38:41,630
[audience member whoops]
912
00:38:41,830 --> 00:38:43,530
That's why you keep your friends around.
913
00:38:44,190 --> 00:38:47,030
He went from the biggest loser I knew
to the biggest winner I knew.
914
00:38:47,570 --> 00:38:50,640
Took care of all his boys.
Took us to a lot of buffets.
915
00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:52,270
[laughter]
916
00:38:52,470 --> 00:38:55,020
He even took us to the fanciest restaurant
he knew.
917
00:38:55,220 --> 00:38:56,440
Buca di Beppo.
918
00:38:56,640 --> 00:38:57,980
[laughter]
919
00:38:58,180 --> 00:38:59,170
It was awesome.
920
00:38:59,620 --> 00:39:00,730
He was ballin'.
921
00:39:00,930 --> 00:39:02,670
But that money didn't last long.
922
00:39:03,210 --> 00:39:05,360
That fifty grand lasted
about three months.
923
00:39:05,560 --> 00:39:06,660
[laughter]
924
00:39:06,860 --> 00:39:08,910
And not only that,
he didn't pay any taxes on it.
925
00:39:09,110 --> 00:39:09,990
[audience groans]
926
00:39:10,190 --> 00:39:13,000
So now he owes the IRS another
twenty on top of that shit.
927
00:39:13,200 --> 00:39:16,270
I'm like, "Guam, this is horrible!
You're worse off than you ever were."
928
00:39:17,100 --> 00:39:18,250
And all he said to me was like,
929
00:39:18,450 --> 00:39:20,250
"See? That's how
the government fucks you, dawg!"
930
00:39:20,450 --> 00:39:22,310
[laughter]
931
00:39:23,980 --> 00:39:26,070
- [cheering]
- That's right.
932
00:39:28,240 --> 00:39:29,570
Keep your close friends around.
933
00:39:29,950 --> 00:39:31,350
And save your money, people.
934
00:39:31,550 --> 00:39:32,780
[laughter]
935
00:39:34,160 --> 00:39:36,440
That's why I only like watching
real-people game shows.
936
00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:38,690
I hate watching Celebrity Family Feud.
937
00:39:38,890 --> 00:39:42,440
'Cause they always make the celebrity
choose a charity and donate money.
938
00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:44,740
I'm like, some of us want
to keep our money, man.
939
00:39:44,940 --> 00:39:45,740
[laughter]
940
00:39:45,940 --> 00:39:48,490
Hey, look, I know
I sound like a bad person, okay?
941
00:39:48,690 --> 00:39:49,660
But I love helping people,
942
00:39:49,860 --> 00:39:53,220
I love the concept of donating money.
943
00:39:54,970 --> 00:39:56,170
I just can't do it.
944
00:39:56,360 --> 00:39:58,140
[laughter]
945
00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:00,640
I want to!
946
00:40:01,520 --> 00:40:02,840
But my mom wouldn't let me.
947
00:40:03,040 --> 00:40:04,550
[laughter]
948
00:40:04,750 --> 00:40:07,260
Every time I even just think about
donating money,
949
00:40:07,460 --> 00:40:08,390
she comes out of nowhere.
950
00:40:08,590 --> 00:40:10,800
- She's like, "Who? Who you donating to?"
- [laughter]
951
00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:13,810
I'm like, "Mom, I don't know.
Like, Save the Children Foundation?"
952
00:40:14,010 --> 00:40:16,190
She's like,
"You don't even know those children."
953
00:40:16,380 --> 00:40:17,480
[laughter]
954
00:40:17,680 --> 00:40:20,360
- "Children can be horrible."
- [laughter]
955
00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:22,690
"Okay, fine, Mom.
I'll donate to help the hospitals.
956
00:40:22,890 --> 00:40:26,450
Like Feed-a-Hospital.com.
To help out all the nurses and doctors."
957
00:40:26,640 --> 00:40:28,530
And she was like, "Okay, Jimmy, okay."
958
00:40:28,730 --> 00:40:29,780
[laughter]
959
00:40:29,980 --> 00:40:31,450
"The doctors make more money than you."
960
00:40:31,650 --> 00:40:33,240
[laughter]
961
00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:36,080
- They should donate to you, okay?
- [laughter]
962
00:40:36,280 --> 00:40:38,920
I make a website,
'Feed-a-comedian.com' right now."
963
00:40:39,120 --> 00:40:40,290
[laughter]
964
00:40:40,490 --> 00:40:41,710
It... [chuckles]
965
00:40:41,910 --> 00:40:43,710
[cheering]
966
00:40:43,910 --> 00:40:45,770
She just guilt trips me, you know?
967
00:40:46,900 --> 00:40:49,220
"You donate to anyone, you donate to me."
968
00:40:49,420 --> 00:40:50,470
[laughter]
969
00:40:50,670 --> 00:40:52,180
"I give birth to you, okay?"
970
00:40:52,380 --> 00:40:53,970
[laughter]
971
00:40:54,170 --> 00:40:55,810
Can you imagine I'm on Family Feud?
972
00:40:56,010 --> 00:40:57,730
Steve's like,
"Jimmy, what charity you playing for?"
973
00:40:57,930 --> 00:41:00,020
"Feed-a-comedian.com," um...
974
00:41:00,220 --> 00:41:01,480
[laughter]
975
00:41:01,680 --> 00:41:03,070
All proceeds go to my mom.
976
00:41:03,260 --> 00:41:04,830
[laughter]
977
00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:07,440
My mom's so tight with my money,
978
00:41:07,640 --> 00:41:09,750
she wouldn't even let me
buy her something nice.
979
00:41:10,210 --> 00:41:13,200
For her last birthday,
I bought her a nice iPad, brand new iPad.
980
00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:15,370
I thought I was a good Asian son, right?
981
00:41:15,570 --> 00:41:19,210
And my mom's like,
"Oh, no, it's too expensive..."
982
00:41:19,410 --> 00:41:22,540
I'm like, "Mom, it's okay,
we can afford it, just enjoy the iPad."
983
00:41:22,740 --> 00:41:25,340
She was like,
"No, Jimmy, please return it.
984
00:41:25,540 --> 00:41:27,880
Return it and just give me the cash."
985
00:41:28,080 --> 00:41:29,650
[laughter]
986
00:41:33,280 --> 00:41:34,780
[cheering]
987
00:41:35,490 --> 00:41:38,030
We're practical.
It's about the bottom line.
988
00:41:39,660 --> 00:41:42,520
See, we live in
a very frivolous society, man.
989
00:41:42,720 --> 00:41:45,190
Everybody loves to brag about
how much shit they have.
990
00:41:45,390 --> 00:41:48,190
How much money they make.
We all brag, we're all guilty of this.
991
00:41:48,390 --> 00:41:51,030
We all just do subtle different ways.
992
00:41:51,230 --> 00:41:52,700
Like white people for example,
993
00:41:52,900 --> 00:41:55,660
White people never brag about how much
money they got,
994
00:41:55,860 --> 00:41:59,080
they always just brag about
how expensive their life is.
995
00:41:59,280 --> 00:42:00,250
[laughter]
996
00:42:00,450 --> 00:42:05,460
Like, "Oh, Joey just started
private school, it's so expensive.
997
00:42:05,660 --> 00:42:09,380
And our remodel is totally going
over budget."
998
00:42:09,580 --> 00:42:10,420
[laughter]
999
00:42:10,620 --> 00:42:14,760
"Oh, and you wouldn't believe how much
money we spent going to Fiji."
1000
00:42:14,960 --> 00:42:15,970
[laughter]
1001
00:42:16,170 --> 00:42:18,390
I'm like,
"Okay, Katie, I see your life, okay?
1002
00:42:18,590 --> 00:42:21,120
It's luxurious. Good for you. Okay."
1003
00:42:22,790 --> 00:42:25,690
Black people, on the other hand,
a lot more straightforward.
1004
00:42:25,890 --> 00:42:29,130
Black people just tell you exactly
how much money they spent on something.
1005
00:42:29,830 --> 00:42:30,690
It's great.
1006
00:42:30,890 --> 00:42:33,280
You guys seen it, like, my Black friends,
or even rappers, right?
1007
00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:34,410
They love to brag.
1008
00:42:34,610 --> 00:42:36,530
They're like, "This car? 80 thou."
1009
00:42:36,730 --> 00:42:39,040
[laughter]
1010
00:42:39,240 --> 00:42:41,680
"My momma's house? 500 thou.
1011
00:42:42,470 --> 00:42:45,180
This chain? A million dollars, man."
1012
00:42:46,060 --> 00:42:48,670
I'm like, "Okay, you clearly don't have
your priorities straight."
1013
00:42:48,870 --> 00:42:50,420
[laughter]
1014
00:42:50,620 --> 00:42:52,400
"But I appreciate the honesty."
1015
00:42:53,730 --> 00:42:56,570
People love to brag about
how much money they spend.
1016
00:42:57,200 --> 00:42:58,850
Asian people on the other hand,
1017
00:42:59,050 --> 00:43:00,950
we do the exact opposite.
1018
00:43:01,370 --> 00:43:04,450
We love to brag about how
little money we spent on some shit.
1019
00:43:05,370 --> 00:43:07,310
Because the art is in the savings.
1020
00:43:07,510 --> 00:43:09,710
You never pay full price.
1021
00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:14,110
Like my mom, her catch phrase is
"Guess how much."
1022
00:43:14,310 --> 00:43:15,660
[laughs]
1023
00:43:15,860 --> 00:43:17,220
"Guess how much."
1024
00:43:17,880 --> 00:43:18,910
- Yeah.
- [cheering]
1025
00:43:19,110 --> 00:43:20,430
That's our people.
1026
00:43:22,550 --> 00:43:24,390
You guys ever play "Guess how much"?
1027
00:43:24,970 --> 00:43:27,460
My mom will come home
with something new, like a watch,
1028
00:43:27,660 --> 00:43:29,710
she would be like,
"Jimmy-ya, Jimmy-ya, guess how much."
1029
00:43:29,910 --> 00:43:31,670
- [laughter]
- "Guess how much."
1030
00:43:31,870 --> 00:43:35,550
I'm like, "Mom, I don't know,
it's a very nice watch, like $5,000?"
1031
00:43:35,750 --> 00:43:37,890
And she's like, "No!"
1032
00:43:38,090 --> 00:43:39,140
[laughter]
1033
00:43:39,340 --> 00:43:42,270
"It's $200.
1034
00:43:42,470 --> 00:43:45,690
Jimmy-ya, my house? This house.
Guess how much.
1035
00:43:45,890 --> 00:43:47,230
Guess how much."
1036
00:43:47,430 --> 00:43:49,230
I'm like, "Mom, I don't know, you live in
a very nice house,
1037
00:43:49,430 --> 00:43:50,520
like a million dollars?"
1038
00:43:50,720 --> 00:43:52,780
She was like, "No!
1039
00:43:52,980 --> 00:43:55,150
It's half-off. Someone died in it."
1040
00:43:55,350 --> 00:43:56,880
[laughter]
1041
00:44:02,430 --> 00:44:05,410
And if you know the rules of the game,
you always guess high.
1042
00:44:05,610 --> 00:44:08,430
So you make the other person feel good
about their purchases.
1043
00:44:08,810 --> 00:44:10,190
Never guess too low.
1044
00:44:10,520 --> 00:44:12,380
If you ever guess too low,
that's the ultimate insult
1045
00:44:12,580 --> 00:44:13,690
to an Asian person, okay?
1046
00:44:14,810 --> 00:44:17,690
One time my mom came home with
some new shoes, I guessed too low.
1047
00:44:18,610 --> 00:44:20,390
I've never seen her so disappointed in me.
1048
00:44:20,590 --> 00:44:22,010
[laughter]
1049
00:44:22,210 --> 00:44:23,320
She was like, "Jimmy-ya, Jimmy-ya,
1050
00:44:23,990 --> 00:44:25,980
guess how much.
Guess how much."
1051
00:44:26,180 --> 00:44:29,150
I'm like, "Mom, I don't know,
very nice shoes, like, $200?"
1052
00:44:29,350 --> 00:44:30,730
She was like... [exclaims]
1053
00:44:30,930 --> 00:44:32,500
[laughter]
1054
00:44:37,670 --> 00:44:39,240
"Do you even know about shoes?"
1055
00:44:39,440 --> 00:44:40,490
[laughter]
1056
00:44:40,690 --> 00:44:43,080
"These are $500 Jimmy Choo's, okay?
1057
00:44:43,280 --> 00:44:44,660
Better Jimmy than you."
1058
00:44:44,860 --> 00:44:46,600
[laughter]
1059
00:44:51,020 --> 00:44:52,890
That's how we brag, people.
1060
00:44:53,980 --> 00:44:55,360
You gotta love it, man.
1061
00:44:56,190 --> 00:44:58,010
I used to be embarrassed
about all these things.
1062
00:44:58,210 --> 00:45:00,970
I thought my mom was cheap,
she spoke with an accent,
1063
00:45:01,170 --> 00:45:02,600
she made me Chinese food...
1064
00:45:02,800 --> 00:45:06,600
But when I got older, I realized it's all
those things that made me different
1065
00:45:06,800 --> 00:45:08,690
is what makes me interesting now.
1066
00:45:08,890 --> 00:45:11,940
The tide has turned, man,
everybody want to be more Asian,
1067
00:45:12,140 --> 00:45:14,150
- I'm telling ya. Yeah, that's right.
- [cheering]
1068
00:45:14,350 --> 00:45:16,530
Everybody want to be BTS.
1069
00:45:16,730 --> 00:45:19,530
Everybody want to eat xiaolongbao,
1070
00:45:19,730 --> 00:45:20,570
[laughter]
1071
00:45:20,770 --> 00:45:24,510
And every parent I know is trying to send
their kid to Chinese immersion school.
1072
00:45:25,140 --> 00:45:27,500
Just in case we take over this shit,
you know what I mean?
1073
00:45:27,700 --> 00:45:28,910
[laughter]
1074
00:45:29,110 --> 00:45:31,580
You gotta be proud, man,
you gotta be proud of how you grew up.
1075
00:45:31,780 --> 00:45:34,040
Gotta be proud of your parents, right?
1076
00:45:34,240 --> 00:45:36,380
I'm a good Asian kid,
I'm great to my parents.
1077
00:45:36,580 --> 00:45:38,970
I'll never, ever disrespect them,
1078
00:45:39,170 --> 00:45:40,630
in front of them, you know what I mean?
Like...
1079
00:45:40,830 --> 00:45:42,280
[laughter]
1080
00:45:44,570 --> 00:45:47,060
I want to give you guys
a quick update on my dad.
1081
00:45:47,260 --> 00:45:50,440
Yup, Richard O. Yang,
the superstar of the family.
1082
00:45:50,640 --> 00:45:52,250
- [cheering]
- Yeah.
1083
00:45:53,080 --> 00:45:56,020
I talked about him on my last special,
he became an actor, right?
1084
00:45:56,220 --> 00:45:56,980
[cheering]
1085
00:45:57,180 --> 00:45:59,360
Yeah, yeah, not because he loves the art,
1086
00:45:59,560 --> 00:46:02,160
it's because
"It's so easy, you could do it, I do it."
1087
00:46:02,360 --> 00:46:04,550
[laughter]
1088
00:46:05,260 --> 00:46:07,290
But now he's doing great,
he's very successful, okay?
1089
00:46:07,490 --> 00:46:09,040
He's got his whole life turned around,
1090
00:46:09,240 --> 00:46:11,540
he got out of retirement,
he's a full-time actor now.
1091
00:46:11,740 --> 00:46:12,870
And now...
1092
00:46:13,070 --> 00:46:14,630
he wants to be an influencer.
1093
00:46:14,830 --> 00:46:16,090
[laughter]
1094
00:46:16,290 --> 00:46:18,710
He just started his own IG account.
1095
00:46:18,910 --> 00:46:20,520
Which is just a nightmare.
1096
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,550
'Cause old people,
I feel like they mean well, okay?
1097
00:46:23,750 --> 00:46:26,760
Like, my dad he means well,
but he just doesn't know how it works.
1098
00:46:26,960 --> 00:46:29,520
Like his first post on Instagram
was a very nice post.
1099
00:46:29,720 --> 00:46:33,940
A beautiful picture of the sky,
palm trees, birds flying by...
1100
00:46:34,140 --> 00:46:35,480
I'm like, "Oh, this is nice."
1101
00:46:35,680 --> 00:46:37,360
And then I scroll down to the caption,
1102
00:46:37,560 --> 00:46:39,530
and he wrote, "All lives matter."
1103
00:46:39,730 --> 00:46:41,540
[laughter]
1104
00:46:42,880 --> 00:46:44,660
I'm like, "Dad, what the fuck, man?"
Like...
1105
00:46:44,860 --> 00:46:45,950
[laughter]
1106
00:46:46,150 --> 00:46:49,290
"You don't even know what that means,
why would you write that?"
1107
00:46:49,490 --> 00:46:53,000
He was like,
"I know! My life matter, your life matter,
1108
00:46:53,200 --> 00:46:56,210
the first life matter, okay?
All life matter."
1109
00:46:56,410 --> 00:46:57,750
I'm like,
"Dad, that is not what it means."
1110
00:46:57,950 --> 00:46:59,690
[laughter]
1111
00:47:01,400 --> 00:47:04,110
I made him put his account on private,
okay?
1112
00:47:04,940 --> 00:47:06,890
Just like a good tiger parent would.
1113
00:47:07,090 --> 00:47:08,530
[laughter]
1114
00:47:09,490 --> 00:47:10,560
'Cause we know the rules,
1115
00:47:10,760 --> 00:47:13,640
like, young people, we see through
the scams of Instagram, right?
1116
00:47:13,840 --> 00:47:15,650
Like, for example, I follow SportsCenter,
1117
00:47:15,850 --> 00:47:20,030
I understand the first hundred comments
are all bots, they're all fake, right?
1118
00:47:20,220 --> 00:47:24,070
Because there's always some IG booty model
saying some stupid shit like,
1119
00:47:24,270 --> 00:47:27,120
"Ooh, I want something long and hard."
1120
00:47:27,320 --> 00:47:28,580
[laughter]
1121
00:47:28,770 --> 00:47:30,240
This is obviously a scam.
1122
00:47:30,440 --> 00:47:32,160
So one time, I clicked on it.
1123
00:47:32,360 --> 00:47:34,210
[laughter]
1124
00:47:34,410 --> 00:47:36,080
Just to see what's going on,
you know what I mean?
1125
00:47:36,280 --> 00:47:39,390
Research. I just want to see it.
I just want to get to the bottom of it.
1126
00:47:39,940 --> 00:47:41,420
So I clicked on it, I was like,
1127
00:47:41,620 --> 00:47:43,050
"Oh, this is obviously a scam."
1128
00:47:43,250 --> 00:47:45,970
It's this girl, she's following
7,000 people,
1129
00:47:46,170 --> 00:47:47,890
but she only has one follower.
1130
00:47:48,090 --> 00:47:49,890
And I clicked on the one follower,
it was my dad!
1131
00:47:50,090 --> 00:47:51,820
[laughter]
1132
00:47:56,740 --> 00:47:59,400
He's like, "My life matter,
her life matters, too, okay?"
1133
00:47:59,600 --> 00:48:00,960
[laughter]
1134
00:48:04,000 --> 00:48:06,110
My dad's just from a different generation.
1135
00:48:06,310 --> 00:48:08,870
He has like a weird beauty standard?
1136
00:48:09,070 --> 00:48:11,700
Like, for us, we just say things
on a very surface level,
1137
00:48:11,900 --> 00:48:15,330
which is just like, "Oh, this person's
attractive, this person's not, right?"
1138
00:48:15,530 --> 00:48:17,460
My dad would get into the weeds.
1139
00:48:17,660 --> 00:48:18,880
[laughter]
1140
00:48:19,080 --> 00:48:21,460
My dad would give you
all the weird details.
1141
00:48:21,660 --> 00:48:24,980
He'd be like, "Oh, she's beautiful.
1142
00:48:25,650 --> 00:48:27,300
Very long arms."
1143
00:48:27,500 --> 00:48:29,510
[laughter]
1144
00:48:29,710 --> 00:48:31,850
I'm like, "What are you,
recruiting a linebacker?
1145
00:48:32,050 --> 00:48:33,810
What are you talking about?"
1146
00:48:34,010 --> 00:48:37,850
I can never get a pulse on who he thinks
is attractive or not, right?
1147
00:48:38,050 --> 00:48:40,650
One time, I'm like,
"Dad, oh, she's really good looking,'
1148
00:48:40,850 --> 00:48:42,110
and my dad was like, "No!"
1149
00:48:42,310 --> 00:48:43,230
[laughter]
1150
00:48:43,430 --> 00:48:45,240
"Her mouth's too close to her nose."
1151
00:48:45,430 --> 00:48:46,860
[laughter]
1152
00:48:47,060 --> 00:48:48,990
"She cannot breathe. She cannot breathe."
1153
00:48:49,190 --> 00:48:50,510
[laughter]
1154
00:48:52,380 --> 00:48:54,290
I see some of you guys looking
at your partner, like,
1155
00:48:54,490 --> 00:48:56,870
- "I...is my nose too close?"
- [laughter]
1156
00:48:57,070 --> 00:48:59,330
And that's exactly what an Asian parent
does to you, you know?
1157
00:48:59,530 --> 00:49:01,460
Make you self-conscious about shit you
didn't even know about.
1158
00:49:01,660 --> 00:49:03,500
[laughter]
1159
00:49:03,700 --> 00:49:06,760
I was very nervous to introduce
my girlfriend to my dad.
1160
00:49:06,960 --> 00:49:08,760
'Cause she's absolutely beautiful.
1161
00:49:08,960 --> 00:49:11,760
But who knows if her wingspan is long
enough for his liking.
1162
00:49:11,960 --> 00:49:14,240
[laughter]
1163
00:49:14,820 --> 00:49:16,470
I was so nervous, man.
1164
00:49:16,670 --> 00:49:19,850
The first time I brought my girlfriend
to my dad's house, and to his credit,
1165
00:49:20,050 --> 00:49:23,020
I want to give him credit,
he actually didn't say anything crazy.
1166
00:49:23,220 --> 00:49:26,740
Because for some reason,
when an old Chinese person
1167
00:49:26,930 --> 00:49:30,070
sees white people,
they just start acting right.
1168
00:49:30,270 --> 00:49:32,410
[laughter]
1169
00:49:32,610 --> 00:49:34,990
Like his posture changed
and he stood upright.
1170
00:49:35,190 --> 00:49:37,660
And for some reason,
he just came up with a British accent.
1171
00:49:37,860 --> 00:49:40,250
[laughter]
1172
00:49:40,450 --> 00:49:42,170
Like me and my girlfriend walked
in the house,
1173
00:49:42,370 --> 00:49:45,090
he didn't say anything crazy, he just
looked at us, he was like,
1174
00:49:45,290 --> 00:49:46,250
"Oh."
1175
00:49:46,450 --> 00:49:48,340
[laughter]
1176
00:49:48,540 --> 00:49:50,130
"Prosperous young couple."
1177
00:49:50,330 --> 00:49:52,280
[laughter]
1178
00:49:54,360 --> 00:49:56,430
And my girlfriend was so confused,
was like,
1179
00:49:56,630 --> 00:49:58,220
"Why does your dad
sound like Helen Mirren?"
1180
00:49:58,420 --> 00:50:00,480
[laughter]
1181
00:50:00,680 --> 00:50:02,730
And I start saying all these nice things
about my girl,
1182
00:50:02,930 --> 00:50:05,770
I'm like, "Oh, Dad, you know,
yes, sh...she's very successful,
1183
00:50:05,970 --> 00:50:07,110
but she's also very nice.
1184
00:50:07,310 --> 00:50:09,400
And her family,
they're just great people."
1185
00:50:09,600 --> 00:50:11,050
And my dad was like, "Good...
1186
00:50:11,670 --> 00:50:13,370
All lives matter."
1187
00:50:13,560 --> 00:50:14,880
- [groans]
- [laughter]
1188
00:50:19,600 --> 00:50:21,830
I love my dad, man. I love my dad.
1189
00:50:22,030 --> 00:50:24,920
He's a great dad. He's a funny guy.
You know?
1190
00:50:25,120 --> 00:50:28,420
We did a lot of
father-son bonding growing up.
1191
00:50:28,620 --> 00:50:30,800
Like for example,
I'm a big basketball fan.
1192
00:50:31,000 --> 00:50:32,880
I love watching the NBA.
You know, yeah.
1193
00:50:33,080 --> 00:50:34,840
[whooping]
1194
00:50:35,040 --> 00:50:37,430
Actually I grew up
a Los Angeles Clippers fan.
1195
00:50:37,630 --> 00:50:38,560
Yeah.
1196
00:50:38,760 --> 00:50:41,180
Because my dad was cheap, okay?
Because my dad was...
1197
00:50:41,380 --> 00:50:42,480
[laughter]
1198
00:50:42,680 --> 00:50:45,110
Because the Lakers and Clippers
play in the same stadium,
1199
00:50:45,300 --> 00:50:47,250
but the Clipper tickets were half price.
1200
00:50:48,080 --> 00:50:50,190
So my dad's like,
"Never pay full price. Never pay..."
1201
00:50:50,390 --> 00:50:51,630
[laughter]
1202
00:50:52,130 --> 00:50:54,110
That wasn't even
the most embarrassing part.
1203
00:50:54,310 --> 00:50:57,450
The most embarrassing part
was when we exited the stadium.
1204
00:50:57,650 --> 00:50:58,910
When we exit the Staples Center,
1205
00:50:59,110 --> 00:51:01,160
there'll be hot dog
street vendors out there, right?
1206
00:51:01,360 --> 00:51:04,170
Latino brothers selling
bacon-wrapped hot dogs for five dollars?
1207
00:51:04,370 --> 00:51:05,420
I love those things!
1208
00:51:05,620 --> 00:51:07,500
And my dad would go up
and haggle with them.
1209
00:51:07,700 --> 00:51:09,590
[laughter]
1210
00:51:09,790 --> 00:51:11,270
He would go up and be like,
"Okay...
1211
00:51:12,110 --> 00:51:14,480
I give you five dollars for two hot dogs."
1212
00:51:15,150 --> 00:51:17,300
I'm like, "Dad, it's not
buy-one-get-one-free at Costco,
1213
00:51:17,500 --> 00:51:18,680
just give him ten bucks."
1214
00:51:18,880 --> 00:51:21,390
And he was like,
"Shh. Never pay full price."
1215
00:51:21,590 --> 00:51:22,520
[laughter]
1216
00:51:22,720 --> 00:51:26,870
"Okay. I'll give you eight dollars
for two hot dogs. Final offer."
1217
00:51:27,540 --> 00:51:30,280
And the guy didn't care,
he was like, "No, it's ten dollars."
1218
00:51:30,470 --> 00:51:33,740
And then my dad has a strategy,
he just announces in front of everyone,
1219
00:51:33,940 --> 00:51:38,660
makes sure everyone hears him, he's like,
"Okay! We walk away."
1220
00:51:38,860 --> 00:51:40,450
[laughter]
1221
00:51:40,650 --> 00:51:43,200
I'm like, "Dad, I don't care...
I don't think he cares if you walk away.
1222
00:51:43,400 --> 00:51:45,560
Don't walk away. I'm hungry!"
1223
00:51:46,310 --> 00:51:48,920
He's like, "Jimmy-ya,
it's better to be hungry
1224
00:51:49,120 --> 00:51:50,340
than to pay full price."
1225
00:51:50,540 --> 00:51:52,480
[laughter]
1226
00:51:53,560 --> 00:51:57,030
And then my mom comes up behind us
with four hot dogs.
1227
00:51:57,570 --> 00:51:59,010
And she was like, "Guess how much."
1228
00:51:59,210 --> 00:52:00,760
[laughter]
1229
00:52:00,960 --> 00:52:02,140
Thank you, guys.
1230
00:52:02,340 --> 00:52:05,230
[cheering and applause]
1231
00:52:05,430 --> 00:52:07,910
[hip hop music plays]
1232
00:52:09,580 --> 00:52:10,920
You guys are amazing!
1233
00:52:11,370 --> 00:52:12,330
I love you guys.
1234
00:52:15,250 --> 00:52:17,460
[hip-hop music continues]
1235
00:52:43,910 --> 00:52:46,280
♪♪
1236
00:52:59,090 --> 00:53:01,380
♪♪
1237
00:53:17,060 --> 00:53:19,070
♪♪