Carver's Declaration

Pt 1: “Be who you needed when you were younger”.
About a year ago, I saw this photo while

casually scrolling through my Instagram one morning. I’m not one for inspirational quotes,
particularly ones attributed to “Mx Anonymous”- something mean in me rebukes the pithiness of
proverbs, choosing to judge them as trite instead of possibly-generally-wise, resonant, or helpful.
And in the case of the good ol’ Anonymous kind, I felt that there was something to be said for the
missing context. Who wrote or said the damn words? Why? And to/for who in particular?
Nonetheless, I screen-capped the picture and saved it. It struck me for some reason, finding itself
likeable enough to join the ranks of the “favorites” album on my phone. I’d see it there almost
daily, a small version of it next to my other “favorites”; I’d see it every time I checked into the gym,
pulled up a picture of my insurance cards, my driver’s license.... Important Documents. And over
the course of about-a-year, it became clear why the inspirational photo had called out to me.
As a young boy, I knew I wanted to be an actor. I knew I wanted to be a lot of things! I thought I
wanted to be a painter, a soccer player, a stegosaurus... But the acting thing stuck. It was around
that age that I also knew, however abstractly, that I was different from some of the other boys in
my grade.
Over time, this abstract “knowing” grew and articulated itself through a painful gestation marked
by feelings of despair and alienation, ending in a climax of saying three words out loud: “I am gay”.
I said them to myself at first, to see how they felt. They rang true, and I hated myself for them. I
was twelve. It would take me a few years before I could repeat them to anyone else, in the
meantime turning the phrase over and over in my mouth until I felt comfortable and sure enough
to let the words pour out again, this time to my family...
Pt 2: For anyone who can identify with

that experience (and I think we all can to
some degree; saying something from a
place of integrity, owning and declaring
oneself), the immediate and comingling
sense of relief and dread might sound
familiar to you. For me, and my family, it
was a precious conversation, one where I
felt that I’d begun to claim myself, my life,
and what felt like the beginning of a very-
adult-notion of my own Authenticity. For
that, and for them, I am forever grateful.
*Note “Coming Out” is different for
everyone. You can always Come Out to
yourself. Coming Out as
Gay/Bi/Trans/Non-Binary/Yourself or
What-Have-You is at first a personal and
private experience. If you’re ready and feel
safe, then think about sharing this part of
yourself with others. I recognize that I was
born with an immense amount of privilege,
growing up in a family where my
orientation was celebrated and SAFE. If
you feel like you want to Come Out, make
sure first and foremost that you have a
support system and will be safe. I would
never encourage anyone to Come Out only
to find themselves in harm’s way – a
disproportionate number of Homeless
American (and Global) Youth are
members of the LGBTQ community who
were kicked out of their families and
homes out of hate and prejudice. It is a
major issue in-and-of itself, and a situation
not worth putting oneself at risk for.
The more I adjusted to living outwardly in
this truth, the better I felt. But my
relationship to my sexuality soon became
more complicated. The acting thing HAD
stuck, and at nineteen I started working in
Hollywood. It was a dream come true, one
I had been striving for since boyhood. But
coupled with the overwhelming sense of
excitement was an equally overwhelming
feeling of dread- I would “have to” bisect
myself into two halves, a public and
private persona, the former vigilantly
monitored, censored, and sterilized of
anything that could reveal how I self-
identified in the latter.
I had my reasons, some sound and some
nonsensical. I do believe in a distinction
between one’s professional life and their
private one...
Pt 3: After the first episode of television I
shot went to air, it became clear to me that
I was at least no longer anonymous. For
the first time, I found myself stopped on
the street, asked to take a picture by a
complete stranger – part of the job I had
willingly signed up for.
Fame, to whatever degree, is a tricky
creature. In this day and age, particularly
with the access offered by social media, it
demands that you be On, that you be
Yourself, Always, in your work and to your
fans. In this way, the distinction between
public and private has become blurry,
begging questions like “to what extent do I
share myself? Do what extent do I have
to?” When it came to this differentiation of
public/private, I was of the opinion that
my sexuality could stay off the table. While
my Coming Out was very important for
me, I wanted to believe in a world where
one’s sexuality was for the most part
irrelevant. That it didn’t “matter,” or that
at least it was something that didn’t need
to or ideally shouldn’t ever have to be
announced to a stranger, a new colleague,
an interviewer. Even the words “Coming
Out” bothered me. I took issue with them
insofar as that “Coming Out” implied
being greeted with attention, attention for
something I would prefer to be implicitly
just Human, an attribute or adjective that
was only part of how I saw my whole self. I
did not want to be defined by my sexuality.
Sure, I am a proud gay man, but I don’t
identify as a Gay man, or a GAY man, or
just gay. I identify as a lot of things, these
various identifications and identities
taking up equal space and making up an
ever-fluid sense of Self.
Furthermore, as an actor, I believed that
my responsibility to the craft and the
business was to remain benevolently
neutral – I was a canvas, a chameleon, the
next character. For the most part I had a
duty to stay a Possibility in the eye of
casting, directors, and the public. If I
Came Out, I feared I would be limiting
myself to a type, to a perception with limits
that I was not professionally comfortable
with. And I created in my imagination an
Industry that was just as rigid in this belief
as well.
Pt 4: After having the privilege of playing

a range of characters, gay, straight and
otherwise, I realize this is not the case.
Things in this business have changed and
will continue to. Thank GOD. I know that
because of all of the brave men and women
who’ve come out, self-identified, or
couldn’t have possibly ever been “In”. So
to them, I am also forever grateful.
But then I saw that little photo on
Instagram. Well, in truth, it had found me
long after I’d made up my mind to write
something like this. There were so many
drafts and plans, none of them ever getting
off the ground. So I bided my time,
justifying the silence with the fact that I
hadn’t really ever been “in”. I tried to live
as authentically as I’ve known how to, as a
gay guy, since that concept became
available to me, only once or twice
intentionally dodging the ever ill-timed
question with the subtext that might have
as well read “ARE YOU GAY???” I’ve
lived “out,” not feeling the need to
announce so. I was comfortably out in my
private life. And for a time, that was
enough.
Things change. There’s a lot about the
Now that I’m very excited about these
days. I feel like more and more people,
particularly young people, are striving to
create a safe world for each other. We’re
learning new vocabularies to help others
feel heard when they try and articulate
their perceived “otherness”- words like cis-
and trans-, non-binary, fluid... We’re
together exploring the possibilities of the
Social Media Frontier, experimenting with
new ways to connect, galvanize, and
awaken. I get fucking MOVED every time
I hear a high school voted in their
transgender classmate as Prom King or
Prom Queen, or when I see Twitter afire
with outrage over mistreatment, brutality,
and injustice. But I also mourn over what
feels like a lot of anger and righteous
indignance. I long for the world to be
simple, for everyone to feel happy and safe
in who they are as individuals and
members of a community. I can only hope
that the beginning of this unrest is
productive, something our generation(s) is
moving through in order to end up
someplace better.
Pt 5: But what can I do? How can I

participate? Honesty is probably a great
step in the right direction. I now believe
that by omitting this part of myself from
the record, I am complicit in perpetuating
the suffering, fear, and shame cast upon so
many in the world. In my silence, I’ve
helped decide for you too that to be gay is
to be, as a young man (or young woman,
young anyone), inappropriate for a
professional career in the Arts
(WHAAA???) So now, let the record show
this- I self-identify as gay. And does that
really matter anymore? As a young man, I
needed a young man in Hollywood to say
that- and without being a dick about it, I
owe it to myself, more than anything, to be
who I needed when I was younger.
Happy 2016, and all my best to you and
yours in the year ahead.
And let the record show my twin brother is
just as cool for being straight.
Much Love,
C

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Pt 1: “Be who you needed when you were younger”.

About a year ago, I saw this photo while

Pt 2: For anyone who can identify with

Pt 4: After having the privilege of playing

Pt 5: But what can I do? How can I

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