Daughters of reddit: what's the biggest mistake dads make with their daughters?

Story NO 1:

My dad and I recently talked about how he stopped showing physical affection when I hit puberty (20
years ago). He didn't know how to act because his sisters got treated inappropriately by others when he
was young, and he wanted to be sure I never felt like that. It resulted in me never getting hugs or kisses
on the cheeks anymore. He also didn't know how to talk about it in the past. But in the last few years, he
worked through so much of his rough childhood and really learned to express himself better. He
apologized, and I said I understood and that his intentions came from a good place and that the only bad
thing was all the hugs we missed out on. We hugged for a really long time after that, and we've been
hugging extra tight ever since.

So I guess what I want to say is, don't treat your daughters differently when their bodies start to change.
And always keep talking! I'm so proud of my dad for the person he's become.

Opinion:

The Redditor's experience underscores the significance of maintaining open communication and
unconditional love within families, particularly during the challenging phase of adolescence. It's
heartwarming to witness personal growth and reconnection through understanding and physical
affection, emphasizing the value of such bonds in our lives.

Story NO 2:

The one mistake my dad made was not really being present. A lot of the memories I have of him are of
him watching TV or being on the computer and not having time to play with me. He always said he’s too
tired or he’ll come play later, but he never did. So since we never really bonded when I was little, we
weren’t all that close as I grew older either.

opinion:

The importance of quality time and bonding between parents and children cannot be overstated.The
Redditor's experience highlights the significance of being present and actively engaged in your child's
life. It serves as a reminder to prioritize meaningful interactions and create lasting memories with loved
ones.

Story NO 3:

Getting angry over something the kid doesn't know and never teaching it (not before or even after
getting angry)

Doing something you know upsets the kid on purpose

Hitting doors and stuff in the house because you're angry

Not listening and talking only to make themselves look smart and great parents rather than talking to
help.

opinion:

Such behaviors are detrimental to healthy parent-child relationships. Effective parenting requires
patience, communication, and empathy. Resorting to anger, purposeful upsetting, or destructive actions
only creates an unhealthy environment and fails to foster trust and emotional growth in children.
Parents should prioritize understanding and nurturing their children's well-being.

Story No 4:

All of a sudden, when she gets older, she starts to develop her own opinions and isn't just a sweet,
adoring little girl anymore.

Not controlling your temper. Even if you are someone who would never put your hands on her, it’s still
scary. You can always use your size and voice to win arguments, so you have to make an active effort to
never pick up those “tools” because they will always enable you to win. Even if she knows she is safe
with you, it is still scary and lowers her self-esteem.
Having any sort of reaction to her getting attention from boys is wrong. My dad was always super polite
to my boyfriends growing up, and it made me feel comfortable in my own house and put me in a better
position to deal with them.

Opinion:

Parenting should evolve as children grow, allowing them to form their opinions and become independent
individuals. It's crucial for parents to manage their temper and communication effectively, avoiding
intimidation. Encouraging healthy relationships and open dialogue about dating life creates a safe and
supportive environment, fostering a child's self-esteem and emotional well-being.

Story No 5:

The whole "tell your boyfriends I've got a shotgun" mentality

That's the quickest way to teach them to hide boyfriends from you. A) It's unnerving, and B) It means
you don't trust their choices.

It is much better to have a home where the boys are expected to come in and meet you; you get a
feeling for them, then have a rational discussion with your daughters later on. Not a raging 'get rid of
him' kind of chat. Like a chat where you say I didn't like how he said this to you, does he respect you, etc.
She'll be more likely to listen to logic and more likely to come to you if she's worried or unsure about
things.

Open dialogue rather than telling her you know better. Odds are, you do know better. But telling her that
shuts her down, and she feels like you don't value her thoughts or opinions. So she won't open up to you
again.

Opinion:

The "shotgun mentality" in parenting can be counterproductive, as it creates fear and distrust rather
than fostering open communication and trust in the child's judgment. Encouraging daughters to
introduce their partners and having rational discussions about their relationships builds mutual respect
and encourages them to seek guidance when needed. Open dialogue and respect for their thoughts and
opinions strengthen parent-child relationships and help adolescents make informed decisions.

Story NO 6:

My dad always has a way of cutting straight through to the heart of an issue with just a few questions.

I was in a bad relationship, but I had been hiding how bad it had gotten from my parents because I didn’t
want them to worry about me. But my dad already knew the guy was no good.

He could have lectured me and told me what a bad guy the dude was, but instead, one day he just asked
me:

“Is he nice to you?”

That was all it took. When I couldn’t immediately answer yes, it was like opening my eyes for the first
time in months. And that was the end of that relationship.

Opinion:

The Redditor's story exemplifies the power of a simple yet profound question posed by their parent. This
approach to parenting, marked by gentle inquiry and genuine concern, promotes self-awareness and
empowers children to make healthier choices and discover themselves.

Story NO 7:

My father was very much an "if you hurt my daughter, they'll never find your body" kind of guy. Y'know,
the type who'd sit at the door and check his watch to the second to make sure my date brought me
home in time.

So pretty early on, I started lying to everyone. I told my dad I wasn't dating anyone and told my girls and
boyfriends that he was overseas on business, etc., so they'd never have to meet.
But when one partner started showing signs of abuse, I couldn't confide in my father because then I'd
have to confess that I'd lied. Plus, if he went to jail for beating my SO up, then everything would be 10x
worse. So I couldn't ask him for help.

His overprotectiveness actually put me in more danger because I was terrified of his reaction. I simply
couldn't trust him to protect me in the way that I needed.

But do you know who I felt safe enough to turn to? My big brother The kind, soft-hearted man who had
welcomed every boy or girl friend into his home and treated them like a member of the family Even the
ones he didn't like. Because he respected me enough to make my own decisions and never made me feel
ashamed or embarrassed when I inevitably made bad ones.

He never reacted with violence or anger, like our father would have. He just helped me shift all my stuff
out of the house, let me crash on his sofa for however long I needed, and bought me all the ice cream I
could eat.

I haven't spoken to my dad in years, and my life is better off without him. He still tells my brother to
"man up."

Opinion:

This Redditor's story underscores the importance of fostering trust, open communication, and support
within families. Overprotectiveness, like the "if you hurt my daughter" mentality, can inadvertently push
loved ones away and hinder their ability to seek help when needed. The contrast between the father's
approach and the brother's compassionate support highlights the significance of respect for personal
choices and non-violent solutions in maintaining strong family bonds.

Story No 8:

I can't speak for anyone else, but my standards for how I expected to be treated in a relationship came
from watching my dad interact with my mom. And surprise, surprise, my first relationship was with an
emotionally abusive and controlling person who made me feel like I was worth nothing. (I went to
therapy, and now I'm in a healthy relationship and don't speak to my parents.)

So I would say the way you treat your wife is a reflection of the relationships your daughter will probably
default toward in the future. If you treat your wife kindly, like a person who is worthy of respect and
care, your daughter is likely to find a partner who does the same for her. If you don't, the reverse
becomes more probable.

Opinion:

This Redditor's perspective emphasizes the vital role parents play in shaping their children's expectations
and standards in relationships. Treating one's spouse with kindness, respect, and care serves as a
powerful model for children, influencing their future choices in partners. It underscores the importance
of setting a positive example to promote healthy and fulfilling relationships for the next generation.

Story NO 9:

Thinking that your daughter's emotional needs are being met by her mother. Even if mom and daughter
are very close and talk often, it is still important to ask your daughter about her day, her relationships,
and her triumphs and struggles. My mom is my best friend, but our relationship was more volatile than
my relationship with my dad, and I was scared of disappointing her. My dad was often in neutral territory
and got to hear all the gossip before Mom did. My dad was awesome!

Opinion

This highlights the importance of active engagement and open communication between fathers and
daughters. Assuming that emotional needs are solely met by the mother can inadvertently leave
daughters feeling hesitant to share their experiences and concerns. Fathers who create a safe and open
space for their daughters to express themselves can foster stronger bonds and provide valuable support.

Story NO 10:

Not getting to know us as people, especially into adulthood. After a lifetime of me trying and him not
bothering, all I have is a surface-level relationship with him. I'm sad about it, but for my mental health, I
had to come to terms with the fact that he was never particularly interested in parenting. He just wanted
to have kids.

Opinon:

Parents should strive to know their children as individuals, maintaining a genuine interest in their lives.
Merely having children without investing in meaningful connections can lead to distant and unfulfilling
relationships.

Story NO 11:

When I was under the age of 10, my dad would take me on fishing, hunting trips, etc. After puberty
starts, forget it. In fact, I remember being 15, and I expressed interest in wanting to go hunting for a few
hours. Time comes around to head out, and I go outside just for my other relatives to tell me Dad has
already left (and taken my 16-year-old cousin with him instead).

For the longest time, I really didn’t spend much alone time with my dad because I felt as though he
wasn’t interested in spending time with me.

Opinion:

It's crucial for parents to maintain a connection with their children as they grow, adapting to their
changing interests and needs. Neglecting quality time with them can result in feelings of neglect and
resentment.

Story NO 12:

Doubting the sincerity, professionalism, and skills of other women they encounter because they’re
women.

One time my dad said, “You know they only put that woman [insert title of car show] on the mechanics
team for one reason (hinting at the reason being eye candy).”
It stayed with me. I had been dealing with a lot of sexism in the industry I was pursuing—making a
connection inevitably led to a request for a dinner date or a sexual proposition—and it really made me
depressed to hear my dad say something like that about a woman who probably really did have an
interest in cars.

He didn’t get why I was so upset.

OPinion:

It's disheartening when a parent perpetuates harmful stereotypes and biases, especially when it
undermines the achievements of women in traditionally male-dominated fields. Such comments can
have a lasting impact and discourage women from pursuing their passions and careers freely. It's
essential to challenge such biases and promote equality and respect for all.

Story no 13:

My dad didn't make any of the stereotypical mistakes.

But as a fully grown woman, I can now look back and see how my dad never complimented me.

He never called me beautiful, intelligent, talented, kind, or anything.

And I was. I was a lovely, smart, motivated, and talented kid. But I was deeply insecure. I think a little
encouragement from love would've done me so much good.

opinon:

Words of affirmation and encouragement from parents can have a profound impact on a child's self-
esteem and confidence. While your dad may not have made the stereotypical mistakes, the absence of
compliments and positive reinforcement can also leave a lasting impression. It highlights the importance
of acknowledging and appreciating a child's strengths and qualities to nurture their self-worth.

Story No 14:

Overprotectiveness, sheltering, or isolating their daughters

Body-shaming their daughters

Holding daughters to a double standard, essentially cutting them off from important opportunities and
thwarting their ambitions and interests if they don't correspond to "feminine" norms

Not being emotionally available and, oftentimes, physically available (i.e., spending time with their
daughters)

This list is specific to daughters; there are all kinds of other things that many dads (and moms) do wrong
with kids of any sex or gender. (Also, it's not to say that dads don't screw up with their sons in these
ways, e.g., by body shaming or holding sons to traditionally masculine stereotypes, but that's not what
the OP asked, and in any case, in a patriarchal society, these kinds of parental failures hit girls differently
than boys.)

Opinon:

These behaviors can have lasting negative impacts on daughters, affecting their self-esteem, ambitions,
and overall well-being. It's crucial for fathers to foster a supportive and empowering environment,
allowing their daughters to flourish as individuals without imposing limiting stereotypes or emotional
distance. Building strong, open relationships can help daughters navigate life with confidence and
resilience.

Story No 15:
Not talking to their daughters and using silence as a punishment. Or saying that “not speaking to their
own daughter was the best time of their life they’ve ever had.” Telling their daughter they don’t care to
know who they are and don’t care to want to get to know them, but talk about how they should get to
know their other kids. Not ever saying I love you. And I’m riding off of another person who posted this
but is not actively listening.

Opinion

Open and honest communication between fathers and daughters is crucial for a healthy parent-child
relationship. Choosing silence or indifference can cause emotional wounds and feelings of rejection in
daughters, affecting their self-esteem. Expressing love, care, and genuine interest in each child fosters
strong family bonds.

Story No 16:

My dad wanted to raise intelligent and capable daughters but also wanted to be treated like the family
patriarch. We had to get good grades, but any attempt to express individuality was crushed. Quelle
surprise, I developed depression as a teen. I got therapy for it; the therapist had a family session and told
my dad he was fucking up. Therapy stopped.

Also, he and my mother were miserable together, and I internalized a lot of bad things about how they
treated each other that took about a decade to unpack and overcome. Together or not, treat your
daughter's mother with kindness and respect.

Lastly, studies have shown that girls who are taught about bodily autonomy and consent aren't at any
greater or lesser risk of being victimized by a rapist. But knowing 'your body is yours and your consent
matters' makes them more likely to report abuse and assault.

Opinion:

Balancing parental expectations with individuality is essential. Suppressing a child's uniqueness can lead
to emotional issues. Maintaining a respectful relationship with a partner, regardless of the outcome, sets
a vital example for children. Teaching bodily autonomy and consent empowers girls to speak out against
abuse and assault, fostering a safer environment.
Story no 17:

not being around and not taking interest in me/my interests/my life. Told me he was busy working so I
could have hobbies but it would have been nice if he came to one game or something.

comments about my body. I was “trying to get fit” and doing jumping jacks in my room and he came up
and said “what are you doing, making the whole house shake”. That shit stung. Didn’t help my def
esteem.

-yelling at me, and getting even more mad when I cried. Told me I used my tears as a weapon, no you’re
just a big loud angry man yelling at me. Surprise surprise, I don’t cry much as an adult and am working
on being more comfortable with emotions in therapy. Let your kids be emotional, yea h them how to
manage their emotions. Be open with yours. It’s so important.

“I know better than you”. Yea, Probly. But I’m also not an idiot. So let me learn, explore and make
mistakes.

the whole “boyfriend, shot gun” shit. It doesn’t make you seem friendly, approachable or nice. It’ll make
her never introduce you to anyone she cares about. On that note, any violence. Even if it’s just “ oh man
I’d kick the shit outta that guy for ….” It’s not cool, makes you look like an unstable asshole and not
someone I want to be around, in case I accidentally piss you off and that anger is directed at me.

-feeling valued is pretty important. I told him I felt like I was “less than” my brother and he got mad at
that. So be intentional with your words and actions so your kids know you value them, are proud of
them and love them.

Let them talk, listen to them, ask questions, be engaged. Have something you do just with her. Call or
text them regularly just to chat. My dad only ever calls me to ask about something specific or tell me
time to come over for dinner. He has no idea what’s going on in my life because he doesn’t ask anything.
Remember important things in her life. A little effort goes a long way.

Opinion:
Parenting involves more than just providing for physical needs. It's crucial to nurture emotional well-
being, respect individuality, and maintain open communication. A father's actions and words profoundly
impact a child's self-esteem and outlook on relationships. Demonstrating genuine interest, valuing your
child, and fostering a safe emotional environment are fundamental for healthy parent-child relationships.

Story No 18:

Being absent in the younger teen years My dad worked hard for us, so I don't begrudge the roof over my
head or the food in my belly. BUT he missed out on so many special events—the first dance, band
performances, special events, etc.—because he was working. He didn't see how my mother treated me
and my siblings. He didn't see the harm she was inflicting on us and herself with her drinking. I felt like I
couldn't talk to him. As adults, we have a much better relationship, but I'm still sad he wasn't more
present in my early life.

Opinion:

While providing materially is important, being emotionally present during a child's formative years is
equally vital. Missing out on significant life events and not being aware of family dynamics can leave
lasting impacts. A balanced approach that combines work responsibilities with active involvement in a
child's life fosters stronger parent-child connections.

Story No 19:

I cut contact with him nearly ten years ago because he was an overall piece of sh*t, but these are a
couple of examples of how not to be a daughter's father. Or anyone's father.

When I was just hitting puberty, I was in a store with my dad and picked out a hair removal cream. He
asked why I needed that, and I said for my underarms, and he laughed in my face. Loads of people
looked at us really awkwardly. I was mortified.

Also, he would tell me off and call me names for showing emotions other than neutrality or happiness
(but not too much happiness). When I was about 7 or 8, I cried watching "All dogs go to heaven", and he
called me a "stupid fucking cunt" for crying over a cartoon. Now I'm 28, with a monotone voice that I
can't get rid of without putting a hell of a lot of effort into it. I really struggle any time I get gifts because I
know my face and voice often don't show how grateful and excited I am. I also have anger issues because
I was never taught how to deal with frustration and anger; I was just made to bottle it up instead.

OPinion:

Parental support, empathy, and understanding are crucial in a child's emotional development. Ridiculing
or belittling a child's choices and suppressing their emotional expression can have long-lasting negative
effects. Encouraging open communication and providing a safe space for children to express their
feelings is essential for their well-being.

STory no 20:

Assuming that their daughters are busy and don’t want to spend time with them.

My dad and I used to spend a lot of time together when I was a kid, mostly on sports-related activities.
But as I got older, my interests changed, and we didn’t spend a ton of time together.

My dad takes the time to ask questions about my interests, as I do for him, and we make time to do
things together.

Opinion:

It's wonderful when fathers adapt to their daughters' changing interests and maintain a strong bond
through open communication and shared activities. Building a relationship that evolves with time fosters
understanding and lasting connections.

Story No 21:

My dad never stops until he is stopped. He called my younger brother “Stupid” as a nickname for
months. We told him to stop nicely. He could clearly see that his eight-year-old son was hurt by the
nickname. What got him to stop was me blowing up at him.
The world revolves around him. We could have been rushing all morning to get ready to go somewhere.
My mom, siblings, and I would be loaded in the car, and he would be sitting watching TV with the keys in
his hand. He refused to get ready on the morning of my cousin’s funeral until I yelled at him. He never
considers other people’s needs or emotions. He doesn’t even notice them if it’s not an extreme reaction.

He never recognizes my mother. He wouldn’t survive a week without her, yet he treats her like she’s
stupid.

He made me reactive and angry. My mom hates it. I yell, and then he gets pissy and distant. I love the
silent treatment from him, but my mom is too much of a peacekeeper. I wish she would grow a spine. I
wish she would leave. She told me that she was on the cusp of divorcing him when I was a toddler. I had
to butt my tongue to not say, “I wish you did.”

It’s easier to have one major fight than to have to watch my mother walk on eggshells for weeks in hopes
he got sick of whatever ‘joke’ caught his fancy. One time he asked me why I always “ripped his head off.”
That conversation went as well as you would expect.

Opinion:

Living with a self-centered and inconsiderate parent can be incredibly challenging, causing emotional
distress and strained relationships. It's crucial to address these issues openly, but it's also
understandable why someone might wish for a healthier environment, especially for their mother.
Supporting her in her decisions could be a step towards a more peaceful and fulfilling family dynamic.

Story No 22:

They think that the way they treat and speak about women in the presence of their daughters doesn't
affect them. Kids soak in lessons very deeply over the course of their childhood and may only notice
them years down the road.

The lesson in question is that if this is how my own father thinks of women, then this is how other men
think of women. And if women keep getting into relationships with my father, then this is acceptable
behavior from all men.
Opinion:

children are perceptive and absorb the behaviors and attitudes modeled by their parents. A father's
actions and words towards women can significantly shape his daughter's views on relationships and
what she considers acceptable treatment. It's essential for fathers to be mindful of the impact they have
on their children's perceptions of gender and relationships.

Story no 23:

Telling women to be more patient and tolerant of the men in their lives because they “don’t know any
better” and that it’s the woman’s job to keep the household together.

This came from my single mom, and she has a son and a daughter who are both adults. Guess who still
cooks, cleans, and does the laundry for their son while the daughter does that for herself in the same
household?

Teach your daughter to respect herself more. If any person (man or woman) can’t keep up with basic
physical and emotional expectations, teach them. If they are unteachable or not respectful, leave them.

Opinion:

Absolutely, perpetuating traditional gender roles and excusing men's behavior by saying they "don't
know any better" is harmful. It's crucial to teach both daughters and sons to respect themselves, share
responsibilities, and foster equality in relationships. Gender should not determine household roles;
cooperation and mutual respect should.

Story no 25:

My dad is the sweetest, kindest, most exceptional man. Now that I’m older I realize just how patient and
tolerant he was through my teenage years. He always made an effort to do things with just me (I have 2
brothers). Like we went to art museums, he took a cake decorating class with me, he drove me to the
dentist until I was in my 30’s because I hate it. He always makes me feel like I am the smartest and
funniest person he’s ever met. He’s never been mad at me or yelled at me, even when I’ve been very
stupid. He will drop everything and anything when I need him to get my kids on or off the bus or if I
make last minute date-night plans with my husband. I can’t relate to any bad-dad posts.

Opinion:

Your dad's unwavering support and love are truly heartwarming. It's fantastic to see such a positive
example of a father-daughter relationship where mutual respect and affection shine through. Your
experience highlights the profound impact a caring and understanding father can have on a person's life.

Story No 26:

I'm an only child, and before I was born, the doctors told my parents I was going to be a boy (apparently
I'd curl into a ball during ultrasounds, and the umbilical cord and a conveniently placed bubble made it
appear that I had an extra appendage), but spoiler alert: I am not. The gender disappointment has been
felt for pretty much all my 22 years on this earth, and it has sucked so bad. My dad would try to get me
to like the things he did, and I tried to form that bond with him, but it never really happened. We butted
heads more than we got along. I never really learned what meaningful relationships with men should be
like (he was never abusive, but parenting or being a role model wasn't really his strong suit). Anyhow,
now I've got trust issues and problems with self-esteem and need to prove that I deserve love and
attention. Thankfully, I found a lovely boyfriend who gives me assurance and cares for me rather than
taking advantage of my daddy issues.

Opinion:

It's unfortunate that your dad's gender disappointment affected your relationship and self-esteem.
However, it's heartening to hear that you've found a supportive and caring boyfriend who is helping you
heal and grow. Sometimes, healthy relationships outside the family can fill the void left by past
disappointments and provide the love and attention we all deserve.