TOOLS TO SUPPORT YOUR

CHILD’S LISTENING SKILLS

MINDFUL MOTHERHOOD BLOG - @KIRSTRUSSELL

Do these scenarios sound familiar?

You are getting ready to go to the park and you ask your toddler to get their
shoes. You are met with a blank look, ignored, or a toddler who runs for the
hills.

It’s time for bed and you ask your child to pick out a book to read while you
put the laundry in the dryer. You come back to their room, and your child has
built a pillow fort... no book in sight.

“WHY won’t my child listen?!” You defeatedly exclaim.

Let’s break it down…

THE SCIENCE BEHIND LISTENING

In a nutshell, listening means collaboration, cooperation, or compliance.

WHOA, RIGHT?! Easy for us to do, with our adult brains, but for a toddler or
child with an undeveloped brain? Not. So. Simple. It takes years to develop
the skill of listening, or cooperating.

In order for a child to follow a simple command such as, “pick up the red
block”, the child needs to be able to do the following:

- Hear your voice

- Understand the words you are saying
- Ignore background noise or objects
- Put another persons desires above their own
- Recall a one or two step direction
- Sustain attention and eye contact with the person or object

In the 1970’s, a psychologist named Joan Reynell defined the different stages
of attention a child might move through from birth to five years old. This is
important because our children need to be able to hold their attention, before
they are able to cooperate.
WHAT STAGE IS YOUR CHILD IN?
0-1 YEARS DISTRACTIBILITY STAGE:
Infants can only hold their attention for a few moments to a few minutes, and
they are easily distracted, and overwhelmed by new sounds or objects.

1-2 YEARS SINGLE-CHANNEL ATTENTION:

Children’s left and right hemispheres of their brain, along with their prefrontal
cortex is growing and building one part at a time. This is when toddlers begin
an activity, and can’t be interrupted with a spoken distraction. Their brain is
working on hyper focusing on their task at hand so it can grow. It’s almost as
if the brain has put on “blinders” for this age group to protect it.

2-3 YEARS SINGLE-CHANNEL ATTENTION WITH MORE FLEXIBILITY:

This is the developmental stage where children begin to complete more one
prompted directions consistently such as, “Where is your fork?” Since they
still have a single-channel attention, they struggle with two prompted
directions such as, “Get your fork and put it on your plate.” They often will
begin to stop playing when they hear their name or a direction.

3-4 YEARS ATTENTION UNDER VOLUNTARY CONTROL:

Children are becoming more skilled at working on a task and hearing a
command at the same time, then switching to the task. This is called task
switching. This might sound like, “Finish your milk and get your shoes on.”
Children still struggle to stop activities they are interested in, to complete a
less preferred task.

4-5 YEARS TWO-CHANNELLED ATTENTION:

This is the prime age for children to be more successful with listening in a
group setting. Their “blinders” are widened now, and they can focus on a
teacher reading a story while also noticing a child next to them picking at
their shoelace. Their attention span can range anywhere from 5 minutes to 30
minutes depending on the task, temperament, how they learn, and
environment.

After age 5 in a neurotypical child, they will begin to carry out two tasks at
once, or back to back. Notice this study says, *begin* and not *master*. Often
our expectations are too high when it comes to listening skills, contributing
to frustration and a big expectation gap.

If your child is neurodiverse and has been diagnosed with anxiety or ADHD,
research has found that their brain might take around an extra year or two,
and to use an adjusted age when reviewing the stages.
HOW CAN WE SUPPORT OUR
CHILDREN’S LISTENING SKILLS?
1. Talk with your child, instead of to your child.

Instead of talking at or to your child, it benefits your child if you talk with
them. Even in infancy, this contributes to meaningful brain and language
development. Instead of asking your toddler to climb in the car, you might
say, “Do you use your legs and arms to climb in the car? Show me!”

This back-and-forth conversation might actually rewire the brain and cause it
to grow linguistically. Scientists call this neuroplasticity.

2. Shift your mindset: Your child isn’t giving you a hard time, they are
having a hard time.

The next time you ask your child to comply, and they don’t...view the situation
from your child’s point of view.

MOST LIKELY, WE ARE ASKING OUR CHILD TO STOP DOING SOMETHING THEY
ENJOY, TO DO A LESS PREFERRED TASK.

For example, let’s say that you are really into a tv show, and your partner asks
you to help unload the dishes from the dishwasher. UGH, right?! Would you
ignore your partner? Whine? Delay the task? If these ideas cross our minds, or
we act on them, think about your child (with an underdeveloped brain).

Your child is doing the best they can with the skills they have.

Your toddler begins to walk, then talk, then becomes more self-sufficient
(wiping their own bottoms and getting dressed by themselves are major
parenting milestones).

Children grow so quickly, and so do our expectations. We expect a lot from

our children, often too much. When the expectation gap (what we are asking
is too much for our child), goes up, our patience and tolerance go down.

Managing and adjusting your expectations will fill your patience bucket. For
example, asking a 3-year-old to get their coat on independently is not
reasonable for their developmental stage (even if they have done it before).

Telling a 5-year-old to go brush their teeth at the end of the day will most
likely be met with resistance because they are overwhelmed and
overstimulated after a long day.
3. Look through the lens of your child during transitions:

Listening, or not listening, often occurs during transitions. Transitions, to

children, means something will be lost, or changed. It can be tough for kids to
move from one activity to the next, since they are still in the early stages of
practicing sequencing events. Oftentimes, what we ask our child to do isn’t
preferred.

I’ve never seen a child “not listen” if you tell them the ice cream truck is
coming down the street. ;)

Here are some examples:

If you say, “Let’s put your coat on, and go to daycare!” Your child hears,
“Time for a big separation from mom.”

If you say, “Put your blocks away so we can eat dinner.” Your child hears,
“Stop working on something really important to you right this second.”

If you say, “Choose one more thing to do at the park!” Your child hears,
“This fun time is coming to an end.” As someone who stalls leaving girls
night or date night, I really understand this one!

If we need our children to collaborate and comply, we must have a strong

connection. No one wants to go get a coffee for a bossy, rude, and
overbearing boss.
4. Build Connection capital during the day:

Our children need to feel seen before we ask them to do something. Showing
your child you see them might sound like:

“I see you playing soccer with your friends. It’s so fun. And in a minute, it’s
time to go home for dinner.”

“Hey, I noticed you were finished with your dinner. Do you remember our
agreement about the plates? I have a hard time remembering too. Can I
tell you what helps me remember my jobs?”

“It looks like you’re having a tough time coming up to bed. What’s up? I’m
going to carry you upstairs and you can tell me why you have a frown on
your face.”

Adults and children are more likely to cooperate when we feel close to
someone. To feel close to someone, we need to build connection. Connection
doesn’t happen overnight. Establishing a strong relationship is a lifelong
marathon.

5. Children’s brains are wired for silliness, novel ideas, and humor:

Laughter puts you and your child from clashing mode to collaboration mode!
It releases all the feel good hormones that make you feel close to someone,
and happy. Do you have to be silly and use humor every single time you want
your child to do something?

NO WAY! Your child will be able to read you, and know that you are resenting
the playfulness, and might not cooperate anyways. I like to use humor when
we are in a hurry to cut the tension for myself. I also like to use novel ideas
when I can tell my children’s sensory cups are full and they are on the verge
of a meltdown.
Humor and novel ideas might sound like:

“Can I sing the “ABC’S backwards?” I’m going to try, once you start getting
your shoes on.

“I’m going to close my eyes. If your shoes are on by the time I open them, I
have to sing Moana like a robot.”

“Do I see a superhero over here? I need a superhero to ride with me to the
store and find any invisible rascals when we drive!”
6. If your child resists commands, try role-playing ahead of time:

We can get stuck in ruts. Every night at bath time, your child runs away. Every
night at bedtime, your child negotiates 10 books. If you think back to when
your child resists your instruction, try to get ahead of it by role-playing.

“Let’s pretend it’s bedtime and you want 10 books. What will daddy say?
No matter what kind of feelings you have, how many books do we read?”

“Here is your baby doll. Let’s show baby how we can wash her hair without
getting soap in her eyes.”

Role play that you are consistent, and hold boundaries. It’s ok for your child to
have big feelings during the role play. Also, reinforce what you want to see
during the role-playing. High-five, hug, affirming body language. This might
not seem like it’s helpful, but what it is doing is allowing your child to make a
mental movie of how their time will unfold.

7. Ditch the control-based parenting tools and move to collaboration:

The age old, “Do it because I said so”, has shown to increase estranged
relationships, cause parental resentment, and even more defiance. Shift from
control to collaboration. Children love to be in charge and “in the know”. They
have older, bigger, adults telling THEM what to do all day.

Control sounds like: “I’ve told you 3 times to come help make breakfast, we
are running out of time!”

Collaboration sounds like: “What do you need for breakfast? I can get the
cream cheese, what do you want to get?”

Remember, we have to be our child’s guide and step in close when our child
is struggling to follow a direction. We come in close, we guide, we nod our
head, and we HOLD THE BOUNDARY. Holding boundaries is OUR JOB.

Cheers to reframing what a “good listener” looks like. Cheers to raising

children whose resistance is healthy and normal. Cheers to holding the
boundaries and supporting our children in times where they need it the most.

From my home to yours, thanks for being here.

Kirsten Russell
Mindful Motherhood Blog @kirstrussell