Love Actually

by
Richard Curtis

Edited by
Emma Freud

Final June
June 19th, 2002
 LOVE ACTUALLY

1 INT. HEATHROWARRIVALS GAD. DAY. 1

A VOICEOVER
IN DARKNESS
...
PM (V .0.)
"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of
the world, I think about the Arrival Gate
at Heathrow Airport •.
ANDWESTARTTO SEE THIS - AS 'STYLISHBUT REAL' DOCUMENTARY AS
POSSIBLE, THE MOSTMISCELLANEOUS OF GROUPSANDCOUPLESAT THE
ARRIVALGATE, ALL KISSING, ALL FULL OF AFFECTIONANDEMOTION
..•
General opinion's starting to make out that
we live in a world of hatred and greed -
but I don't see that - seems to me that
love is everywhere. Often it's not
particularly dignified, or newsworthy - but
it's always there - fathers & sons, mothers
& daughters, husbands & wives, friends &
strangers. When the planes hit the Twin
Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone
calls from the people about to die were
messages of hate and revenge - they were
all messages of love. If you look for it,
I've got a nasty suspicion you'll find that
love actually is all around ...•
2 INT. CBORCB. DAY 2

CUT TO TWOMEN'S FACES. WELLDRESSEDUP IN WEDDING

TIES AND
COATS.
PETER
No surprises?
MARK
No surprises.
PULL BACK- THEYARE BEST MANANDGROOM
WAITINGAT THE END OF AN
AISLE. THE CHURCHIS SUNNYANDFULL.
PETER
Not like the stag night?
MARK
Unlike the stag night.
PETER
Do you admit that the Brazilian prostitutes
were a mistake?
(CONTINUED)
 Page2
2 CONTINUED: 2

MARK
I do.
PETER
And it would have been much better if
they'd not turned out to be men?
MARK
That is t:i:ue.
THE MUSICSTARTSUP... PACHELBEL'
S CANON.ENTERA REALLYLOVELY,
OPTIMISTIC GIRL IN HER WEDDING
DRESS. THIS IS JULIET.
MARK(CONT'D)
Good luck, kiddo,
ANDHE PICKS UP HIS VIDEOANDSTARTSDISCREETLYTO FILM
PROCEEDINGS
- IT'S ONEOF THOSEWHEREYOUCANVIEWTHROUGH A
SCREEN,RATHERTHANHOLDINGIT TO YOUREYE.
AS THE BRIDE WALKSUP THE AISLE A SWEET, SLIGHTLYCHAOTIC30
YEAROLD, CALLEDSARAH,SNEAKSIN JUST BEHINDHER, SWITCHINGOFF
ANDPUTTINGAWAYHER MOBILEPHONE.SHE SITS DOWN NEXTTO A
FRIENDCALLEDJAMIE. 38. GOOD-LOOKING ANDGOOD-NATURED.
THE BRIDE GOESON WALKING
- EXCHANGING
A BLISSFUL SMILE WITH HER
HUSBAND TO BE.
WECOT THROUGH MOMENTS OF THE WEDDING SERVICE- FINGERS, RINGS,
KISS, BIBLES, SIGNING THE REGISTRY. IT'S NOWTHE ENDOF THE
SERVICE- THEY'RE BACKIN FRONTOF THE ALTAR.
PETER
And you resisted the temptation for any
surprises?
MARK
Yes. I'm mature now.
NOWBRIDE ANOGROOM TURNANDHEADDOWN THE AISLE. THE ORGAN
STRIKES UP A TRADITIONALCHURCHEXIT SONG. THEN IT CHANGES...
AND
STARTSTO PLAYSOMETHING THATSOUNDSSUSPICIOUSLYLIKE THE
MARSEILLAISE.PETER LOOKSA BIT SURPRISED- TURNSTO LOOKAT
MARK,WHOLOOKSINNOCENT.
AS THE MUSICCHANGES,A CURTAINTHATHAS BEENHIDING THE
CONTENTS OF THE BALCONYDROPS. BEHINDIT IS A HUNDRED
STRONG
CHOIR. THEYBEGIN TO SING.
CHOIR
Love, love, love.
Love, love, love.
Love, love, love.
(CONTINUED)
Fll!lAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page3
2 CONTINUED:(2) 2

THE CHOIRTHENPARTTO REVEALA FABULOUS LOOKINGSINGER,

STANDINGAT A MICROPHONE
- SINGING 'ALL YOUNEED IS LOVE'.
SINGER
Nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how
to play the game.
It's easy.
ALL
All you need is love ...
THEYARE NOWJOINED, DURINGTHE CHORUS,- MAGICALLY FROMALL
OVERTHE CHURCH - BY A HUGEBRASSSECTION- 20 TRUMPETS- 20
SAXOPHONESETC...THEYACTUALLY APPEARIN THE PEWSWHERETHEY'VE
BEENHIDING THEIR INSTRUMENTS TILL NOW.
All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love,
Love is all you need.
THE BRIDE, JULIET, IS RADIANT- ADORINGIT ...
JULIET
Did you do this?
PETER
Christ no.
HUSBANDPETER LOOKSAT BEST MANMARK.MARKSHRUGSHIS SHOULDERS,
PRETENDINGHE HADABSOLUTELY NO IDEA THIS WASGOINGTO HAPPEN.
THENA LITTLE SMILE.
3 EX'.r. CBtJRCB. DAY 3

THEYOPENTHE DOORFROMTHE CHURCH.WINDMACHINESBLOW5,000

ROSE PETALSTHROUGH
THE SKY. A MANIS PLAYINGLEADGUITAR,
STANDINGON A GRAVESTONE.
THEYARE THE HAPPIEST, LAUGHINGEST
COUPLEIN THE WORLD.
A TITLE CARDSAYS
...
NOVEMBER.LONDON.
4 Er.l'. LONDON. DAY. 4

SOMEBEAUTIFULSHOTSOF THE CITY IN ITS WINTERGLORY.

s :INT. CBURCB. DAY. 5

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page4
) CONTINUED: 5

CUT TO A FUNERAL- A MANANDHIS 11 YEAROLD STEP-SON IN A

CHURCH - WITH A CROWDOF 80 BEHINDTHEM, DRESSEDIN BLACK.
PRIEST
And now Daniel wishes to say one last
thing.
DANIELGETS UP AND FACES THE GUESTS. BEHINDHIM A SIMPLE SLIDE-
PROJECTORSCREENSHOWSA PORTRAITOF HIS WIFE.
DANIEL
As you know, Jo and I had a lot of time to
prepare for this moment. Some of her
requests, for instance, that I should bring
_Nicole Kidman as my date to the funeral,
I'm confident she expected me to ignore.
But others she was pretty damn clear about.
When she first mentioned what's about to
happen, I said 'Over my dead body' and she
said "No, Danny - over mine." And, as
usual, my darling girl, and Sam's darling
Mumwas right - 100%. So she's going to say
her final farewell to you, not through me -
but, inevitably, ever-so-coolly, through
the inunortal genius of the Bay City
Rollers ...
THROUGH THE SPEAKERSWHAMSTHE BAYCITY ROLLERSATROCIOUSCOVER
VERSION: THE PROJECTORSCREENSHOWSTERRIBLE SHOTS OF THE
ROLLERSIN THEIR HEYDAY,MORESHOTSOF JO - AND THENSETTLES ON
AN UTTERLYGLEEFUL12 YEAROLD GIRL, CLEARLYJO - TOTALLYDECKED
IN THE SCARF, BADGESANDHATS OF ROLLERMANIA.
If you hate me after what I say,
Can't put it off any longer
Oooo 0000 0000
I just gotta tell you anyway •..
Bye bye baby, baby good-bye,
Bye baby, baby, bye bye
Bye bye baby, don't make me cry,
Bye baby, baby bye bye ....
THE CONGREGATIONARE TORNBETWEEN SMILES AT THE SONGANDTHE
STILLS, ANDTHE REAL SADNESSOF IT ALL.
MORE TITLES ..•

6 INT • .mMIB' S HOUSE. DAY 6

JAMIE, WHOWE GLIMPSEDAT THE WEDDING,COMESBACKINTO A HOUSE.

HE HAS A SLIGHT, TOUCHING,MID-SENTENCESTUTTER.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page5
6 CONTINUED: 6

HE UNLOCKSTHE DOORINTO THE LARGELIVING ROOM.AT THATMOMENT

ANOTHERSLIGHTLYYOUNGER MANENTERSTHE ROOMTHROUGH AN INTERNAL
DOOR.
JAMIE
Hello. What the hell are you doing here?
CHRIS
o, I just popped over to borrow some old
CDs.
JAMIE
Did the lady of the house let you in?
CHRIS
i'eh.
JAMIE
Lovely obliging gi-gi-girl. Just thought
I'd pop back before the reception, see if
she was feeling better. Look, I was
thinking that maybe we should take Mum out
for her birthday on Friday - what do you
think? I feel we've been bad sons this
year.
CHRIS
Okay, that sounds fine - bit boring but
fine.
THERE'S A CALL FROMOFF.
GIRL (V/O)
Put the kettle on will you, darling.
JAMIE
(RAISING HIS EYEBROWS)I'm a slave to love.
HE STARTSTO DO SO - ANDTHENCONTINUESTO DO SO, SORTOF IN
SLOWMOTION,AS HE TALKSON...
This is a bit odd, actually. My girlfriend
doesn't know I'm here - and she calls you
'Chris' - not 'da-da-darling' - unless she
calls you... 'darling' when I'm not here - in
which case the reason you're here is
probably less to do with borrowing, let's
say, an old Paul Simon album and more to do
with, let's say, you having sex with my
girlfriend when I'm out.
CHRIS
Jamie - what can I say?

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUN& 19/6/02
 Page6
6 CONTINUED: (2) 6

JAMIE
Well, you could say 'it's not true - I AM
here because I had a passionate craving for
the music of Art Ga-ga-garfunkel's best
friend.'
GIRL (V/O)
Forget the tea, babe - I've located a
packet of 3 - if you get a move on we can
finish them off by the time old pencil-dick
comes home.
JAMIE
On the other hand maybe you co-co-couldn't
honestly say that •.
MORETITLES...
7 ~. LONDON
STRUTS. DAY. 7

COT TO THE PM'S CAR MOVINGALONGTHE EMBANKMENT,

WITHBIKE
RIDERS.
CUT TO THE CAR DRIVINGUP WHITEHALL.
8 EX'l'. DONNINGSTDET. DAY. 8

CUT TO OUTSIDE10 DOWNING STREET- HOGENOISE - PRESS AND PEOPLE

- OUTOF THE CAR COMESTHENEWPRIMEMINISTER. HE WAVES- HUGE
CHEER. IN HIS FORTIES. HE'S AN ATTRACTIVEMAN.
HE ENTERS- THE DOORCLOSESBEHINDHIM
9 INT. 10 DONNINGSTREET- BNDANCBBALL/INNERLOBBY.DAY. 9

SUDDENLY,BIZARRESILENCE ANDFORMALITY
INSIDE IN COMPARISON
TO
THE CHAOSOUTSIDE.
THERETO GREETHIM IS HIS PERSONAL
ADVISOR, 40, A WOMAN,
ANNIE,
STRONGANDINTELLIGENTLOOKING.HIS DEMEANOUR IMMEDIATELY
CHANGES,HE OE-FORMALISES.
ANNIE
Welcome, Prime Minister.
PM
That sounds so bizarre ...
ANNIE
How are you feeling?
PM
Dazed and confused.
(CONTINUED)
FINAL .JUNE 29/6/02
 Page7
9 CONTINUED: 9

ANNIE
Would you like to meet the household staff?
PM
Yes. Anything to put off actually running
the country.
CUT ON - HE GOESALONGA LINE OF EMPLOYEES.
ANNIE
This is Terence.
TERENCE
Good morning, sir.
PM
Had an uncle called Terence - hated him -
think he was a pervert - like the look of
you, though ...
PAT
Good morning, sir, I'm Pat. Housekeeper.
PM
Hello, Pat - should be a lot easier with me
than the last lot - no nappies, no
teenagers, no scary wife.
ANNIE
And this is Natalie - she's new, like you.
PM
Hello, Natalie.
NATALIE
Hello, David. I mean 'sir' - O shit, I
can't believe I said that .. 0 no - and now
I've gone and said 'shit' - twice. I'm so
sorry, sir.
PM
That's fine .... You could have said 'fuck'
and then we would have been in real
trouble.
NATALIE
Thank you, sir. I did have an awful
premonition I was going to fuck up on my
fir ... o piss it ..
HE LAUGHS.SHE BLUSHESHUGELY- A BEAUTIFULLOVELY,YOUNG,
BRIGHTFACEDGIRL. HE LOOKSAT HER. SOMETHING'SHAPPENING.

(CONTINUED}
FINA~ JUN£ 19/6/02
 Page8
9 CONTINUED: (2) 9

ANNIE
Right - I'll go get my things - and then
let's fix the country, shall we?
PM
I can't see why not.
AS HE WALKSAWAY,HE JUST CASUALLY
LOOKSBACK OVERHIS SHOULDER
-
NATALIEIS ONEOF THE THINGSHE LOOKSBACKON.
10 In. PM'S OITICE.10 DOWNING
STREET. DAY. 10
PM ENTERS, AND CLOSESTHE DOORAND SUDDENLYPINS HIMSELFBACK
AGAINSTTHE DOOR, LIKE A MANBEING PURSUEDBY THE POLICE.
PM
o no. O Jesus. Bugger. That is genuinely
bad timing.

11 In. 1Ui1CEPTION
BALL. NIGHT. 11

IT'S THE RECEPTIONOF THE 'ALL YOUNEEDIS LOVE' WEDDING.LATER

THATNIGHT. THE NEWLYWEDSARE DANCINGTO A SLIGHTLYDODGYHIRED
BAND...
OURBEST MAN, MARK,IS FILMINGTHEM. NEARHIM IS SARAH, STILL
TALKINGON HER MOBILEPHONE.A PERKYWAITERIN A MESSYBLACKTIE
APPROACHESHIM - HE'S CALLEDCOLIN.
COLIN
Delicious delicacy?
MARK
No thanks.
COLIN HEADSON TO SARAH.
COLIN
Taste explosion?
TOTALLYUNCHARMEO,SHE JUST SHAKESHER HEAD. COLIN HEADSOFF
DISCOURAGED.
SEES ANOTHERPRETTYGIRL BY THE DOORTO THE
KITCHEN.
COLIN (CONT'D)
Food?
PRETTYGIRL
No thanks.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL .JUNE: J9/6/02
 Page9
11 CONTINUED: 11

COLIN
Yeh - bit dodgy, isn't it. Looks like an
alien's finger. Ooo - tastes like it too.
I'm Colin, by the way.
PRETTYGIRL
I'm Nancy.
COLIN
How do you fit here - bride, groom, vicar's
bit on the side?
PRETTYGIRL
No, I did the food.
COLIN
Groovy. (EATSANOTHER CANAPE)Yes - yes -
yum - second time, the glory of it just
hits you between the eyes.
HE CLIPS THROUGH
THE DOORSINTO THE KITCHEN.
12 Ift. RECEPTION KI'l'CBEN. NIGB'l'. 12

COLIN SITS DOWNNEXTTO ANOTHER

QUITE GEEKYGUY, CALLEDTONY, A
FRIENDWHO'S JUST COMEALONGFOR THE RIDE. HE WEARSNORMAL
CLOTHES.
COLIN
At last I've worked out why I can never
find true love.
TONY
Why's that?
COLIN
It's not me - it's English girls. They're
stuck up, you see - and I'm primarily
attractive to girls who are, you know,
cooler, game for a laugh - like American
girls. So I should just go to America - I'd
get a girlfriend there instantly. What do
you think?
TONY
I think it's crap, Colin. People are the
same the world over - wherever you go,
you'll still be dull and ugly - and girls
will still hate you.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page10
12 CONTINUED: 12

COLIN
No, that's where you're wrong. American
girls would seriously dig me with my cute
British accent.
TONY
You don't have a cute British accent.
COLIN
Yes, I do, I'm going to America.
TONY
Don't act on this whim, Colin. You're a
lonely, ugly arsehole, and you must accept
it.
COLIN
Never. I am Colin, God of Sex. I'm just on
the wrong continent, that's all.
HE WINKSAT A PASSING WAITRESS.SHE TOTALLYFREEZESHIM OUT.
THEYBOTHTHINK IT PROVESTHEIR POINT.
COLIN/TONY
See ...
13 INT. RECEPTION BALI,. NIGB'r. 13
CUT TO THE NEWLYWEDSDANCINGTO A HORRIBLYPERFORMEDCLASSIC
TUNE- THE BANDISN'T THE BEST IN THE WORLD. MARKIS FILMING
THEM- SARAH,THE PHONEGIRL, COMESAND SITS NEXTTO HIM. SHE
WATCHES HIM CURIOUSLY,THENGENTLY...
SARAH
Do you love him?
MARK
Sorry? Who? What?
SARAH
No - I just thought I'd ask the blunt
question, in case it was the right one and
you needed to talk to someone about it and
no-one had ever asked you so you'd never
been able to talk about it even though you
might have wanted to ....
MARK
No, no, 'no' is the answer. No. Absolutely
not.
SARAH
So that's a 'no' then.
(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNB 19/6/02
 Page11
13 CONTINUED: 13

MARK
Yes. 'No' • Ahm•••
LITTLE PAUSE- HE RETURNSTO FILMING....
This band.. what you reckon - the worst in
history?
SARAH
Probably. I think it all hangs on this next
song. What will they go for? .
CUT TO THE LEAD SINGER...
LEAD SINGER
And here's one for the lovers ... that's quite
a lot of you I shouldn't be surprised and a
half ...
CUT ROUNDA BUNCHOF HAPPY COUPLES
... A FAMOUSINTRO PLAYS
...
MARK
They've done it. It's official.
SARAH
Worst band in the world.
LEAD SINGER
(SINGING) "I feel it in my fingers .... "

14 Ilff. RECORDING
S'l'ODIO. DAY. 14
CUT TO A RECORDINGSTUDIO - A WONDERFUL-LOOKING
BATTERED55 YEAR
OLD EX-GIANTOF ROCKIS SINGING IN A LITTLE BLACKBOOTH. 3 NOISY
BACKINGSINGERS ARE REALLYGOINGFOR IT IN THE STUDIO OUTSIDE.
BILLY THE OLD ROCKER
"I feel it in my toes - love is all around
me - and so the feeling ..."

JOE HIS MANAGER

IS IN THE CONTROL
ROOMWITH THE ENGINEER. JOE IS
UNPREPOSSESSING,WOOLLY,
CHUBBY,MOIST, IN HIS FORTIES.
JOE
I'm afraid you did it again, Bill.
BILLY
Did I?
JOE
Yeh. Sorry, mate.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL .JUNE 1916/02
 Page12
14 CONTINO.ED: 14

BILLY
It's just I know the old version so well,
you know.
JOE
Well, we all do - which is why we're doing
the new version.
BILLY
Right. Okay - let's go.
THE INTRO STRIKES UP AGAIN...
BILLY (CONT I
D)
'' I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my
toes - Love is all .... " o
fuckwankbuggershittingarseheadandhole.
Start again ... (THE INTROPLAYS)
"I feel it in my fingers,
I feel it in my toes.
Christmas is all around me...
CUT TO JOE - DEEPLYPLEASED.
And so the feeling grows.
It's written in the wind,
it's everywhere I go.
So if you really love Christmas,
come on and let it snow.... "
(TO JOE) This is shit, isn't it?
JOE
Yup - solid gold shit, Maestro.
JOE GIVES HIM A BIG SMILE.ANDA THUMBS
UP. HE IS SITTING NEXTTO
A SOUNDENGINEER,READINGA NEWSPAPER WITHA PICTUREOF THE PM
ON THE FRONT.
ENGINEER
Think the Prime Minister's a poof?
JOE
O yeh - definitely. The full pink trouser.
15 ~- PM'S O!Tl:CB. 10 DOWNING
STREB'.l'.DAY. 15

(CONTINUED)
E'INAL oJVNE19/6/02
 Page13
15 CONTINUED: 15

A FEWDAYSLATER...THE PM'S STUDYAGAIN. HE' S DEALINGWITHHIS 60

YEAROLD SECRETARY.
PM
I want Ian here at five. And tell George
I'm going to sack him in about 3 minutes -
what's the point of having a Minister of
Transport who's always late •••.
ACCEDESAND LEAVES. A KNOCKON THE DOOR.
THE SECRETARY
PM (CONT'D)
Come in.
A SOMEFILES ANDA TRAY
IT IS NATALIE, CARRYING ..
NATALIE
These have just come through from the
Treasury - and this is for you.
HE SMILES. THE TRAYHAS A TEA CUP - WITHTHREEBISCUITS ON A
PLATE.
NATALIE (CONT'D)
I was hoping you'd win - though of course
I'd have been perfectly friendly to the
other bloke. Just always given him the
boring biscuits with no chocolate.
PM
Thank you.
IT ON THE TABLEIN
SHE LEAVES- HE DROPSHIS HEAD, SLAMMING
DESPAIR.
PM (CONT'D)
O God. Come on - you're the Prime Minister.
16 INT. DANIEL'S OFFICE. DANIEL'S BOOSE. DAY. 16
AND NOWWE CUT TO DANIEL, THE STEP-FATHERANDHUSBAND
FROM THE
FUNERAL,SITTING VERYALONEIN HIS OFFICE IN HIS HOUSE, HIS HEAD
ALSO ON THE DESK. A MOMENT OF STILLNESSANDSORROW.THENHE
LIFTS HIS HEAD, PICKS UP THE PHONEAND DIALS...
DANIEL
Karen - it's Daniel - can we talk? I'm
sorry, I sort of literally don't have
anyone else to talk to.
SHE IS IN HER KITCHEN- OBVIOUSLY
MID-FORTIES, VERYENGLISH,
STILL QUITE NICE LOOKING,ANOGOOD.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL ~UNE 19/6/02
 Page14
16 CONTINUED: 16

KAREN
Absolutely. Horrible moment now though -
can I call back in a minute?
DANIEL
'Course.
KAREN
Doesn't mean I'm not terribly concerned
that your wife just died.
DANIEL
Understood. Bugger off and ring me later.
HE HANGSOP
17 INT. KARBN'S BOOSE. DAY. 17
KARENGOES BACKTO THE QUESTIONIN HAND.HER 2 CHILDREN,JUST
BACKFROMSCHOOL.DAISY IS SWEET& 6. BERNIE IS GRUMPYAND 10.
KARENIS COOKINGCHICKENKEBABSFOR THEIR DINNER.
KAREN
So - what's this big news then?
LITTLE ·oAISY.
We've been given our parts in the Nativity
play. I'm the lobster.
KAREN
The lobster?
LITTLE DAISY
Yes
KAREN
In the nativity play?
LITTLE DAISY
Yes. First Lobster.
KAREN
There was more than one lobster present at
the birth of Jesus?
LITTLE DAISY
Durr .••.
KAREN
Right. And what about you, Bernie?
BERNIE IS AN UNPLEASANT
GRUMPY
LITTLE BUGGER.

(CONTINUED)
E'INAL .JUNE l 9/6/02
 Page15
17 CONTINUED: 17

BERNIE
I wanted to be a lobster, but I'm an angel.
I hate angels - they're
just made-up rubbish ...
KAREN
0, I don't know about that. It's just that
these days they probably don't have wings -
so we don't recognise them. They probably
just look normal like you or me - but still
cunningly wander around doing good.
BERNIE
In our play they don't do any good at all -
they just stand there looking like poofs
and saying 'Isn't Baby Jesus great' when
everyone knows he's just a stupid doll. I.
want to be a lobster. (HE ·wALKSOFF) And,
by the way, Toby says Uncle David is a
dickhead.
KAREN
He's probably right.
BERNIE
And I hate kebabs.
KAREN
Right. Charming child.

18 BX'l'./'IWJ!.FA:RM ROUSE D1 FRANCE. DAY. 18

CUT TO TOTALDARKNESS.THENWINDOWS STARTTO OPEN- ON THE

LIVING ROOMOF JAMIE'S CHAOTICBOT LOVELYFRENCHFARMHOUSE.
JAMIE, WITHHIS SUITCASESDEPOSITEDIN THE MIDDLEOF THE ROOM,
IS OPENINGTHE WINDOWS,SOMEOF WHICHHAVELITTLE ANGEL
SILHOUETTESCOT IN THE WOOD.
EXTERIORSHOT, AS THE WINDOWS
CONTINUETO OPEN.
BACKINSIDE JAMIE STANDSIN FRONTOF A LITTLE DESK. HE PUTS DOWN
A TYPEWRITER.AND HE SITS.
JAMIE
Alone again. Naturally.

19 :INT. SCHOOL BALL. DAY. 19

CUT TO A GROUPOF CHILDRENSINGING AT SCHOOL- THEYARE SINGING
'CATCHA FALLINGSTAR'.
(CONTINUED)
E'INJU,,JUNE29/6/02
 Page16
l9 CONTINUED: 19

CHILDREN
Catch a falling star and put it in your
pocket, save it for a rainy day
Catch a falling star and put it in your
pocket, never let it fade away
WE PANALONGTHE HAPPYSINGING FACESANDTHEN COMETO SAM-
SILENT, DOWNCAST.
OVERTHE SONG- WE HEARKAREN& DANIELTALKING
...
DANIEL (V/0)
Obviously he was gloomy before she died.
But it's really got worse these last weeks.
20 INT./Err DJ\ND:L'S BOUSE. DAY. 20

CUT.TO THEMIN DANIEL'S STREET, ENTERINGTHE HOUSE. THE CAMERA

FOLLOWS THEM.
He now spends literally all the time in his
room - he'll be up there now.
KAREN
There's nothing unusual about that - my
horrid son Bernard stays in his room all
the time, thank God.
DANIEL
No, but this is .all the time ...
LEAVESTHEMANDTRACKSUP THE STAIRS TOWARDS
THE CAMERA SAM'S
DOOR... .
And I'm afraid, you know, that there's
something really wrong - I mean clearly
it's about his Mum, but Christ, he might be
injecting heroin into his eyeballs for all
I know.
KAREN
At the age of eleven?
DANIEL
Well, maybe not into his eyeballs then -
maybe just his veins •.• And then he just
listens to music all night and watches
videos •.•
SITS ON THE DOOR.
THE CAMERA

FINAL JUNE 19/6/02

 Page17

21 EX'l!. BALCONY
OF DANIEL'S BOUSE. DAY. 21

DANIELANDKAREN,STANDINGON THE BALCONY

OUTSIDETHE HOUSE.
DANIEL
The problem is, it was his Mumwho always
used to talk to him and I don't know..• -
the whole step-father thing seems somehow
to suddenly matter, like it never did.
KAREN
Hey - hey - it was always going to be a
total shit time. Just be patient - and
maybe check the room for needles.
HE SMILES.
DANIEL
Yes good - absolutely - good.. I will.
(PAUSE) And sometimes when he comes out,
it's obvious he's been crying. (SUDDENLY
A
WAVEOF SORROW HITS HIM) 0 Karen, it was
such a ridiculous waste.- and if it's now
going to ruin Sam's life as well - I just
don't know.
KARENJUST TOUCHES
HIS SHOULDER.
KAREN
Get a grip now. People hate sissies. No-
one's ever going to shag a bloke who cries
all the time.
22 Drl'. DANIEL' S HOUSE. HALLWAY. DAY. 22
CUT TO KAREN
AT THE DOOROF DANIEL'S HOUSE.
DANIEL
Thanks for coming. Must be busy days with
David and everything.
KAREN
Nah - never see him. By the way - I did a
little research into Nicole Kidman for you -
she's got some excellent internet sites
keep you busy in the lonely evenings.
DANIEL
0 don't be disgusting. Get out of my house.
I've got to fix dinner.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL .JUNE 19/6/02
 Page18
22 CONTINUED: 22

KAREN
Well there we go - a perfect opportunity to
bond. I find chicken kebabs always go down
very well.
23 IN'l'. DANIEL'S BOUSE. COBRIDOR. NIGB~. 23
CUT TO DANIELUPSTAIRS OUTSIDESAM'S ROOM.
DANIEL
Time for dinner.
SAM (V/0)
I'm not hungry.
DANIEL
But Sammy... I've done chicken kebabs .
SAM
Look at the sign on the door ...
IT SAYS- 'I SAID - I'M NOT HUNGRY.'
DANIEL
Right.
24 BX'l'. SmEET. DAY. 24

COLIN IN THE CAR. HE STOPS FOR A WOMAN

CROSSINGTHE ROAD, AND
GIVES HER A BIG THUMBSUP - SHE TURNSAWAY,DESPISING HIM. HE
RAISES HIS EYEBROWSANDSHOOTSON -
HE PULLS UP - OPENS THE CAR DOORAND IN GETS TONY- THEY'RE THE
TWOWHOWEREDISCUSSINGAMERICAAT THE WEDDING.
25 INT. COLIN' S ell. DAY. 25
COLIN
Exciting news!
TONY
What?
COLIN
I've bought a ticket to the States - I'm
off in 2 weeks.
TONY
No!

COLIN
To a fantastic place called .. Wisconsin.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page19
'25 CONTINUED: 25

TONY
No!
COLIN
YES! Wisconsin babes - here comes Sir
Colin!
TONY
No, Col! There ARE a few babes in America,
I grant you, but they're already going out
with rich guys. You'll just end up in a
dingy bar snogging someone who's the
spitting image of your Mum. And that's not
nice. I should know. I've tried it.
COLIN
Nah - you're just jealous, Tone. You know
perfectly well that any bar anywhere in
America contains ten girls more beautiful
and more likely to have sex with me than
the whole of the United Kingdom.
TONY
That is total bollocks. You've actually
gone mad now.
COLIN
NO! I'm wise. Wiiiiiise! Stateside, I'm
Prince William ••. without the boring
relatives.
TONY
NO! NO! I mean it - no, Colin - no-ho-ho!

26 IN'l'. THE FAJ:RTRADE OFFICE. MORNING. 26

COLIN ENTERS- HE'S THE GUYWHOBRINGS SANDWICHES ROUNDTO

COMPANIES.IT'S AN INTERESTINGPLACE- A FAIR-TRADINGCOMPANY -
MIXTUREBETWEEN CHARITYANDTHE BODYSHOP - BIG ANDMESSY- 50
PEOPLE- LOTS OF SMARTLY DESIGNEDPOSTERSAND MARKETING STUFF ON
DESKSANDWALLS. COLIN IS VERYBOUNCY.HE SMILES ANDDOESA
THOMBS UP AT A BEAUTIFULGIRL AT ONE DESK- NO REACTION.STAY
WITH HER - HER NAMEIS MEL. SHE GETS UP ANDKNOCKSON THE DOOR
BEHINDHER.
HARRY (V/0)
Come in.

FINAL JUNE 19/6/()2

 Page20

27 INT. BADY' S OFFICE. MORNING. 27

SHE ENTERSTHE OFFICE OF HARRY- IN HIS MID FORTIES, STYLISH -

QUITE A SERIOUSMAN- BUT WITHHIDDENPLACES.
MEL
Sarah for you.
HARRY
0 great. Settling in fine?
MEL
Absolutely.
SARAHWALKSIN A BIT AWKWARDLY.
MELLEAVESGRACEFULLY.
HARRY
Ah, Sarah. How are you?
SARAH
Good - the quality of my work has shot up
since I got that Harry Potter screen-saver.
HARRY
I've noticed - now, switch off your phone
and tell me exactly how long you've been
working here?
SARAH
It's 2 years now. And 7 months. And 3 days.
And I suppose, what - 2 hours.
HARRY
Right. And how long have you been in love
with Karl, our enigmatic but attractive
chief designer?
SARAHIS TAKENABACK- SHE THOUGHT
THIS WASA TOTALSECRET.
SARAH
Ahm - 2 years and 7 months and 3 days and,
I suppose,l hour and 45 minutes. There was
a great half hour at the beginning that was
very relaxed.
HARRY
I thought as much.
SARAH
Do you think everybody knows?
HARRY
Yes.
(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page21
27 CONTINUED: 27

SARAH
Do you think Karl knows?
HARRY
Yes.
SARAH
That is bad news on, o, so many levels.
HARRY
And I was just thinking perhaps the time
had come to do something about it ...
KAREN
Like ... ?

HARRY
You know, ask hiim out for a drink - then
after 20 minutes casually drop into the
conversation the fact that you'd like to
marry him and have lots of sex and babies.
SARAH
You know that?
HARRY
Yes. And so does Karl. Think about it. For
all our sakes.
SARAH
Certainly - excellent. Will do. Thanks,
boss.
SHE OPENSTHE DOORTO LEAVEANDA VERYGOODLOOKINGGUYWALKS
IN.
KARL
Hi, Sarah.
SARAH
(TOTALLYCASUALLY)Hi, Karl.
AND SHE WALKSOUT.

28 IN'l. TB FAIRTRADZ OFl'XCE. MORNJ:NG. 28

WE FOLLOWHER THROUGHTHE DOOR.SHE STOPS - TAKESA DEEP BREATH

- SWITCHESON HER PHONEANDIT RINGS IMMEDIATELY.SHE ANSWERS.
SARAH
Babe ... yup, absolutely, fire away.
SHE TURNSTO MELAT HER DESK.
(CONTINUED)
FINAi, JUNE 19/6/02
 Page22
28 CONTINUED: 28

Actually - Mel, isn't it? (MELNODS) Could

you turn the radio off - I can't take that
song this time of the day ...
WE REALISETHAT IN THE BACKGROUND
WE HAVEBEENLISTENING TO
'CHRISTMASIS ALL AROUND'.
29 INT. RADIOSTATIONS'l'tJDIO.DAY. 29
A LOCALRADIO STATION. A DISC JOCKEYAT THE MIKE - 'CHRISTMASIS
ALL AROUND'JUST COMINGTO AN END.
DJ
And that was the Christmas efiort by the
once great Billy Mann - o dear me - how are
the mighty fallen. I'd call that the worst
record I've heard this century. And .•.
LOOKING THROUGH
TO THE OTHERSIDE, THE NEXTDISC JOCKEYIS DOING
A THROATCUTTINGMOTION- THE FIRST DISC JOCKEYLOOKSAT A SHEET
ON HIS DESKANDREALISES HIS FAUXPAS.
J\nd yes, coincidentally, I believe Billy is
a guest on my esteemed colleague's show in
a few minutes time. Welcome back, Bill.
30 IN'!. RADIO STATIONB'OYER. DAY. 30

CUT OUTSIDE- JOE & BILLY SITTING THEREIN THE FOYER, WHERETHE
STATION'S OUTPUTIS ON. JUST LOOKINGTOTALLYBROKEN.
31 INT. RADIO STATIONSTODIO. DAY. 31
TEN MINUTESLATER.
DJ 2
So Billy - welcome back to the airwaves -
new Christmas single - cover of Love is All
Around.
BILLY
Except we've changed the word 'love' to
'Christmas'
DJ2 - MIKE
Yes. "Christmas is All Around". Is that an
impo~tant message to you, Bill?
BILLY
No, not really, Mike - Christmas is for
people with someone they love in their
lives.

(CONTINUED)
FrNAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page23
31 CONTINUED: 31

MIKE
And that's not you?
BILLY
That's not me, Michael - when I was young
and successful, I was greedy and foolish
and now I'm left with no-one, wrinkled and
alone.
MIKE
Wow. Thanks for that, Billy.
BILLY
For what?
MIKE
Well, for actually giving a real answer to
a question. Doesn't often happen here on
Radio Wapping, I can tell you.
BILLY
Ask me anything you like - I'll tell you
the truth.
MIKE
Best shag you ever had?
BILLY
Britney Spears - no, only kidding .... She was
rubbish. No, only kidding ...
MIKE
Okay - here's one - how do you think the
new record compares to your old stuff?
BILLY
Come on, Mike, you know as well as I do
that the record's crap. But you know...
CUT TO JOE'S V. UNHAPPY
REACTION.
wouldn't it be great if Number One this
Christmas wasn't some smug teenager - but
an ugly old ex-heroin addict searching for
a come-back at any price. All these young
popsters, come Christmas day, they'll be
stretched out naked with a cute bird
balancing on their balls - but I'll be
stuck in a seedy hotel with my manager Joe -
ugliest man in the world -fucking
miserable because our fucking gamble didn't
pay off.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
FINAL .JUNB 29/6/02
 Page24
31 CONTINUED: (2) 31
BILLY (CONT'D)
So if you believe in Father Christmas,
children - like your Uncle Billy does - buy
my cunting record - and particularly enjoy
the incredible crassness of the moment when
we try to squeeze in an extra syllable into
the 4th line ...
MIKE
I think you're referring to "If you really
love Christmas"
BILLY
I am indeed, Mike. "Come on and let it
snow". Ouch.
MIKE
So here it is one more time - the dark
horse for this year's Christmas Number One
- "Christmas is All Around." Thank you,
Billy.
JOE IS QUIETLYHITTING HIS HEADAGAINSTA WALL.
And after this it's the news - is the new
Prime Minister in trouble already?

32 snuz~. NIGB'l'.
INT. PM'S OFFICE. 10 DOWNING 32
COT TO LATERTHATNIGHT. THE PMIS WALKING
OUTWITHA MINISTER
ANDHIS TOP AIDE.
PM
Sorry, George, but I need more than that.
People won't accept that kind of fudge now -
otherwise they'd have voted in those other
zombies.
HE CLOSESTHE DOOR- INSTANTLY,A KNOCKON THE DOOR. IT OPENS-
THERE'S NATALIE.
PM (CONT'D)
Natalie.
NATALIE
Sir.
SHE ENTERSWITHA PILE OF PAPERSANDFILES. PUTSTHEMDOWN,AND
HEADSOFF. THEN
...

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page25
32 CONTINUED: 32

PM
Ahm - I'm starting to feel uncomfortable
with us in such... close proximity all the
time and me... knowing so little about you.
Seems •• (IRONICALLY)elitist and wrong.
NATALIE
There's not much to know.
PM
Where do you live?
NATALIE
Wandsworth. The dodgy end.
PM
My sister lives in Wandsworth - which
exactly is the dodgy end?
NATALIE
Right at the end of the High Street -
Harris Street - near the Queen's Head.
PM
Right, yes, that is dodgy. And you live
with your boyfriend ... husband .. 3
illegitimate but lovely children?
NATALIE
No, I've just split up with my boyfriend
actually, so I'm back with my Mumand Dad
for a while.
PM
O I'm sorry.
NATALIE
No, that's fine. I'm well shot of him... (SHE
TIDIES FOR A MOMENT).He said I was getting
fat.
PM
I beg your pardon?
NATALIE
He says no-one's going to fancy a girl with
thighs the size of big tree trunks. Not a
nice guy actually, in the end.
THERE'S A GLIMPSEOF VULNERABILITY
SUDDENLY IN HER.

(CONTINUED)
FINA£ JUNB 19/6/02
 Page26
32 CONTINUED: (2) 32

PM
Right. Well, well... (HE APPEARSTO GO BACK
TO WORK- THENLOOKSUP CASUALLY)You know,
being Prime Minister, I could just have him
murdered.
NATALIE
Thank you, sir - I'll think about it.
PM
Do - ruthless trained military killers are
always just a phone call away.
THEY BOTHLOOKAT EACHOTHERAND THERE'S A L1TTLE LAUGH. FOR A
MOMENT SHE WASSAD AND HE'S CHEEREDHER UP. SHE LEAVES.
PM (CONT'D)
O God. Did you have this sort of problem?
CUT UP TO A VERYSTERN PORTRAITOF MARGARET
THATCHER.
I very much suspect not.
33 IN'l'. ART GALLBRY. DAY. 33
A HUGEWRAPPEDPICTUREAGAINSTTHE WALLOF AN EMPTYART GALLERY.
LOTSOF OTHERWRAPPEDPICTURE FRAMESON THE FLOOR. IT'S WHERE
MARKWORKS.
MARK
Right - very exciting moment. These humble
packages contain our new exhibition,
photographs by none other than the great
John Siekart.
MEL
Exciting stuff. What's the theme?
SHE IS· DRESSEDTOTALLYCASUALLY,ALMOSTUNRECOGNISABLE
FROMTHE
WORKPERSONWE SAWEARLIER, VERYMODERN AND SEXY.

MARK
He said Christmas - very 'family' sort of
thing. Crowd pleaser. Here we go.
HE OPENS IT UP...
MARK (CONT'0)
Ah. Interesting. Classic. Bleak. Fatal.
WE SEE WHATHE'S JUST OPENED.A HUGEPHOTOGRAPH OF A REALLY
NAKEDWOMAN, HER PUBIC HAIR NEATLYSHAVEDINTO THE SHAPEOF A
CHRISTMASTREE.

FZNAL JONS l 9/6/02

 Page27

34 34

MARKIN TOTALSELF-CONTAINED DESPAIRAN HOURLATER. THEY'RE

SITTING ON THE FLOOR. THEY'VE BEENOUTANDBOUGHTA STARBUCKS
AND SWITCHED ON A RADIO•.
MARK
O God, o god. It's porn. It's just porn.
We'll be raided by the porn squad.
MEL
I'm thinking of having an affair with my
boss. What do you t~~nk?
MARK
Is he married?
MEL
Yes.
MARK
Bad idea then. The marriage vow is very
sacred.
MEL
Yes. Though I'm a great believer in acting
on instinct.
MARK
Ono - never do that.
MEL
Or, of course, I could have an affair with
you.
MARK
Ha.
MEL
Why not?
MARK
AhJn. Let's not go there.
LOOKSAT HER, SHE'S LOUNGING
GORGEOUSLY.
Do you look as gorgeous as this at work?
MEL
Yes, though in a different way.
MARI<
Then he's doomed, isn't he?
(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNS 19/6/02
 Page28
14 CONTINUED: 34

MEL
I think so.
SHE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE. ON THE RADIOWEHEAR
•••
RADIO VOICE
Six weeks to Christmas - and here's the one
they're going to have to beat to that magic
number one slot - yes, it's ••. Westlife.

35 IN'.r. HARRY'S OFFJ:CB. DAY. 35

MEL IS THERE- SHE IS, IT MUSTBE SAID, LOOKINGGORGEOUS

IN HER
GREYSKIRT SUIT.
HARRY
Right. The Christmas party. Not my
favourite night of the year - and your
unhappy job to organise.
MEL
Tell me.
HARRY
Basic really - find a venue - over-order on
the drinks - bulk buy the guacamole and
advise the girls to avoid Kevin if they
want their breasts unfondled.
MEL
It's done. Wives and family and stuff?
HARRY
Yes - I mean, not children - but wives and
girlfriends etc - o Christ, you haven't got
some horrible six-foot, gold-toothed
boyfriend you'll be bringing, have you?
MEL
I' 11 just be hanging round the
No ...
mistletoe and hoping to be kissed.
SHE LOOKSAT HIM HARD. SUDDENLY
REALELECTRICITY
IN THE ROOM.
HARRY
Really. Right. Ah.
SHE WALKSOUT- HE SORTSOF SHAKESHIS HEADIN A "WAKE-UP/WHAT'S
GOINGON?" WAY. OUTSIDE, MELSITS ANDSTARTSTO TYPEON HER
COMPUTER.

FINAi. .mNB 19/6/02

 Page29

36 m'r. ~ ROUSE IN FRANCE. DAY. 36

WHICHBLENDSTHROUGHTO JAMIE TYPINGIN FRANCE,ON OLD-FASHIONED

TYPE-WRITERANDPAPER.
A KNOCK
ON THE DOOR.
37 INT. /'F.'ft FRONTDOOR - FA1Q( BOUSE. DAY. 37
JAMIE OPENSTHE DOOR. THERE'S A CONFIDENT,MIDDLE-AGED
FRENCH
WOMAN, ELEONORE.SHE IS CLEARLYIN CHARGEOF THE HOUSEIN SOME
WAY,WITH A NICE THICK FRENCHACCENT.
ELEONORE
Bonjour, Monsieur Bennett.
JAMIE
Bonjour, ElEonore.
ELEONORE
Welcome back. And this year, you bring a
lady guest?
JAMIE
Ah, no - change of plan.
ELEONORE
Dommage. And you're here till Christmas?
JAMIE
Yes. When I return to. the enormous bosom of
my family.
ELEONORE
Good. And I have found you this time a
perfect lady to help clean the house. This
is Aurelia.
THE SHOTWIDENSTO REVEAL, STANDINGBACKNERVOUSLY, AURELIA- A
PLEASANTLOOKINGDARK-HAIRED WOMAN - ABOUT35. A NICE FACE-
NATHALIEBAYE,.NOTEMMANUELLE BEART - ISABELLEHUPPERT,NOT
ISABELLEADJANI. WEARINGA VERYORDINARY CHEAPDRESS.
JAMIE
Bonjour, Aurelia.
AURELIA
(VERYQUIETLY}Bonjour.
JAMIE
(VERYBADACCENT}Je suis t-t-tres heureux
de vous avoir ici.

(CONTINUED)
FINAi, .JUNB19/6/02
 Page30
37 CONTINUED: 37

SHE LOOKSPUZZLED.
ELEONORE
Unfortunately, she cannot speak French.
Like you. She is Portuguese.
JAMIE
Ah. Ahm••• Ahm - bon giorno. Ahm -
Eusebio ...molto bueno.
HE MIMESA LITTLE BIT OF FOOTBALL.
ELEONORE
I think she is ten years too young to
remember there was_ a footballer called
Eusebio - and 'molto bueno' is Spanish.
JAMIE
Right - absolutely. Well, good to meet you.
HE SHAKESHER HANO.
ELtONORE
And perhaps you can drive her home at the
end of her work.
JAMIE
Absolutely. Con grande plesoro.
ELEONORE
Which is what? Hungarian?
JAMIE
(PAUSE) Yes.
38 INT. DANIEL'S BOUSE.COIUUDOR/OFFICE.
MORNING. 38

IT'S A SATURDAY
MORNING. DANIELWALKSPAST SAM'S ROOM- IT'S
LOCKED- THERE'S STRANGEMUSICCOMINGFROMIN THERE....
HE WALKSPAST, SHAKINGHIS HEAD, ANDHEADSDOWNINTO HIS OFFICE.
HE SITS DOWN
AND PUSHESA BUTTON - THE COMPUTER
STARTSUP - A
BORINGWORKSPREADSHEET... HE'S BORED.
HE TYPES IN 'EXCITE' - THEN 'NICOLE KIDMAN'. INSTANTLYOP COMEA
LIST OF TEN NICOLE KIDMANBASEDSITES.
THE FOURTHONE SAYS 'NICOLE KIDMANNAKEDNAKEDNAKED'
DANIEL GOESTO IT - THERE'S A SEDUCTIVEPICTUREOF NICOLE, ANDA
LIST OF PHOTOS- GALLERY1, GALLERY2 ETC. HE OPENSONE - ANDUP
COMETINY PICTURES OF NICOLE, MANYNOT FULLYCLOTHED.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUPE 19/6/02
 Page31
38 CONTINUED: 38

HE DOUBLECLICKS ON ONEOF THEM- BUT IT DOESN'T COMEUP -

INSTEAD, THERE'S A FORMTHAT SAYS HE CAN'T GO ANYFURTHER
WITHOUTGIVING A CREDITCARD NUMBER.
SO HE CLOSESIT. BUT WHENHE DOES, LOTS OF PICTURESOF NAKED
GIRLS COMEUP UNINVITED. IT'S A SITE CALLED'XXXXTEEN SLUTS.'
AT WHICHMOMENT DANIELHEARSA CAR PULLINGUP OUTSIDE. HE
SWIFTLYCLOSES 'XXXXTEEN SLUTS' - BUT OTHERTHINGSCOMEUP,
INCREASINGLY PORNOGRAPHICANDALWAYS WITH THE WORDS'COME' OR
'PINK' IN THEIR TITLE - HE TRIES TO CLOSETHEM, BUT MOREAND
MOREBOXESSTARTCOMINGUP - FINALLY- THE COMPUTER SETTLESON A
SITE CALLED'WOMEN F**KINGANIMALS'- WITH ACCORDINGLY GRAPHIC
PICTURES. HE TRIES TO CLOSEIT - BUT IT WON'TCLOSE. IN FACTTHE
MACHINEFREEZES-
AS THE DOORBELL
GOES.
ANDNOWDANIELCAN'T MOVETHE CURSORTO GET THE DAMN
THING TO
SHOTDOWN
...
HE GOESTO THE PLUGTO TURNOFF THE ELECTRICITY- BUT IT DOESN'T
MAKE
ANYDIFFERENCE.
IN DESPERATION,HE TAKESOFF HIS JUMPERANDTHROWS
IT OVERTHE
QUITE BIG COMPUTERSCREEN.
39 INT. DANIEL'S FRO~ DOOR. MORNING. 39

CUT TO DANIELAT THE FRONTDOOR.

DANIEL
Hello, Matthew.
THEYSHAKEHANDS- ANDTHEN.AWKWARDLYDRIFT INTO A HUG. AT THIS
MOMENT,BOTHCANONLYTHINKOF WIFE, OF DAUGHTER.
FATHERIN LAW
Still a bit hard, isn't it?
DANIEL
Still a little tricky. Corne and sit down.
FATHERIN LAW
Why not? I've brought a little gift for my
grandson - thanks to him, I've actually
started to use that computer you gave me.
DANIEL
Really?

( CONTINUED)
FINAL .JUNE:19/6/02
 Page32
39 CONTINUED: 39

FATHERIN LAW
Yes, I've found a tremendous golfing site.
In fact, let me show you - where's your
computer?
DANIEL
Ahm - let's have a drink first, shall we?
FATHERIN LAW
No I insist - come on - in the office, I
presume.
FATHER-IN-LAW
HEADSIN •..
40 INT. DANIEL'S HOUSB. OFFICE. MORNING. 40

HE TAKESTHE JUMPEROFF THE MACHINE,THE SCREENIS BLACK- HE

PUSHESA BUTTONANDUP FLICKS 'WOMEN F**KING ANIMALS'.
HE LOOKSUP AT DANIEL- DANIELAT HIM. PAUSE.
DANIEL
0 ... this is disgusting. Where's Sam? This is
just a step too far ...
HE RUNSUP THE STAIRS.
41 XN'J!. SAM' S ROOM. DAY. 41

DANIELOPENS SAM'S DOOR.

DANIEL
Do you want fifty pounds - yes or no?
SAM
I'd prefer a hundred.
DANIEL
Okay, then whatever happens in the next
minute - don't argue - just agree with me.
On everything.
SAM
Okay.
DANIEL
Right - (RAISING VOICE) - get down here
young man, straight away.
42 XN'J!. DANIEL'S OIT:CCE.MORNING. 42
CUT TO THE THREEOF THEMIN THE OFFICE -

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNB l 9/6/<J2
 Page33
42 CONTINUED: 42

DANIEL
What is this, young man?
SAM
I don't know - looks like a website about
women having sex with animals.
DANIEL
And how did it get here?
PAUSE. DANIELREALISES THATWASTOOCOMPLEX.
All right. I'll tell you how it got here.
You've been using my computer, Sam, and
calling up this filth - haven't you?
HE LOOKSAT HIM WITH SLIGHTLYRAISEDEYEBROWS.
SAM
Yes, I have.
DANIEL
I don't know what to say. I hope you're
ashamed of yourself.
SAM
Yes I am.
DANIEL
It's disgusting, isn't it.
SAM
It really is.
FATHERIN LAW
Don't worry - we all have different ways of
coping with grief and maybe Sam, this is
yours - let's just switch the machine off ...
SAM PUSHESA BUTTONON THE BACK. DANIELIS TAKENABACK.•

DANIEL
How did you do that?
SAM
The 'cancel' button on the back.
DANIEL
0 right ••• Useful.
FATHERIN LAW
Now let's all forget about it.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUN£ 19/6/02
 Page34
12 CONTINUED: (2) 42

DANIEL
I can't forget about it. I am so angry with
you, Sam - that is your pocket money docked
for a month, young man.
43 EX'1'. BANK CASH D.CBINE. DAY. 43
CUT TO 3 HOURSLATER- A CASHMACHINE- OUT POPS £100 QUID AND
DANIELPOTS IT STRAIGHTINTO SAM'S HAND.
DANIEL
Brilliant work, son.
44 EX'l!. WALKHOME. DAY 44
THEYARE WALKING
HOME.
SAM
Only one thing I don't understand - why
lfleJ:.e you looking up women having sex with
animals?
DANIEL
I wasn't - I was doing some work, and •••
looking up Nicole Kidman - for work reasons
- and then suddenly when I tried to close
the damn thing, that stuff came up.
SAM
You must have been looking up "Nicole
Kidman naked".
DANIEL
No.
SAM
You must have - it's number 4 on the Nicole
Kidman list - Nicole Kidman naked naked
naked - if you just looked up the Nicole
Kidman homepage it wouldn't have done that.
PAUSE. THENFAST...
DANIEL
All right·, I was looking up Nicole Kidman
naked naked naked, you little greedy
bastard.
HE STARTS TO LAUGH.
SAM
Pervert.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNB 19/6/02
 Page35
44 CONTINUED: 44

DANIEL
Computer nerd.
SAM
Wanky, wanky wierdo.
DANIEL
Freak with bad, bad haircut.
THEY'RE NOWLAUGHINGA LOT - FRIENDSTOGETHER
AT LAST. MAYBE
THEIR FIRST LAUGHSINCE SAM'S MUMDIED.
45 INT. PM'S Oi'i'ICE. DAY. 45

NATALIEIS JOST LEAVING,HAVINGLEFT THE PMA CUP OF COFFEE, AND

A PLATEOF BROWNIES.HE IS IN A MEETINGWITH CARTER.
PM
Tell me, Natalie, what do you think about
us increasing aid to the third world?
Liberal nonsense - or crucial policy?
NATALIE
Not a bad idea - we can all do with a
little less - give them a bit more.
PM
Well quite. (TO CARTER)You see. The public
are with me on this.
THENNATALIECOMESBACKANDREMOVES
THE BROWNIEPLATE.
NATALIE
You might as well get into practice .•.
PM
On the other hand, actually, you know, I'm
not sure it is such a good idea ....
46 EXT - LONDONBBNCB oa WALK. DAY. 46

A FEWMINUTESLATER- DANIELTAKESTHE PLUNGE.

DANIEL
So, what's the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just
Mum- or is it something else? Maybe .••
school - are you being bullied? Or is it -
I don't know - something worse - can you
give me any clues at all?
SAM
You really want to know?

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page36
46 CONTINUED: 46

DANIEL
I really want to know.
SAM
Even though you won't be able to do
anything to help?
DANIEL
Even if that's the case.
SAM
Okay. The truth is - actually - I'm in
love.
DANIEL
Sorry?
SAM
I know I should be thinking about Mumall
the time, and I am, but the truth is that
I'm in love and I was before she died and
there's nothing I can do about it .•

DANIEL
Aren't you a bit young to be in love?
SAM
No.
DANIEL
Okay, right. Well, I can't deny it - I'm a
little relieved.
SAM
Why?
DANIEL
Well, you know I thought it might be
something worse ...
SAM
Worse than the total agony of being in
love?
DANIEL
Ahin••• no - you're right. So wait a minute -
what exactly have you been doing in your
room then?

FINAL JUNE 19/6/02

 Page37

47 INT. SAM'S ROOM. DANIEL'S BOUSE. DAY. 47

CUT TO THE ROOM- THE DOOROPENS- IT IS FULLOF POSTERSOF

ROMANTIC MOVIES- SLEEPLESSIN SEATTLE, MOULINROUGE,DIRTY
DANCING.SAM SWITCHESON THE CD - THE HIGH DRAMA OF DUSTY
SPRINGFIELDSINGING 'YOU DON'T HAVETO SAY YOULOVEME.' - HE
THENOPENSTHE VIDEO CUPBOARD - MOREROMANTIC MOVIESGHOST, WHEN
HARRYMETSALLY, CROSSROADS, SHE'S ALL THATANDPRETTYWOMAN -
HE SWITCHESON THE TELLY- IT'S ROMEO ANDJULIET, DI CAPRIOAND
DANESLOOKINGTHROUGH THE FISH-TANK.
DANIEL
Wow- wow - so, a bit of a ... love theme.
SAM
Yes - I've been trying to see if I can pick
up any hints from the films. And then I
find the songs just help.
THE PHONESTARTSTO RING. DANIELANSWERS
IT
KAREN
If you're still desperate you could come
round tonight for dinner.
DANIEL
No thanks. Break-through.
KAREN
Good news. Tell me tomorrow.
48 IN'.r. UREN' S BOUSE. DAY 48

SHE HANGSUP ANDTURNSTO HER HUSBAND

•.•
KAREN
Thank God actually - Bernie's such a pig
when we have guests round •••
HE IS SITTING THEREREADINGTHE PAPER- HE IS HARRYFROMTHE
OFFICE, WITHTHE DANGEROUSSECRETARY.HIS ATTITUDEAT HOMEIS A
LITTLE DISENGAGED.KARENPASSES.A MIRROR.
O God. Since when did my bottom stop being
my bottom and turn into the second largest
sea-port in Britain.
HARRYJUST LOOKSOP AT HER•••
KAREN (CONT'D)
Did you talk to Sarah?

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page38
18 CONTINUED: 48

HARRY
Yes, she says tonight's the night she's
going to make her move.
49 IN'.r. J'AIP.TRADE OFFICE. EVE. 49

IT'S LATE IN THE OFFICE. SARAHAT HER DESK - SHE IS POTTINGON

A BIT OF LIPSTICK FURTIVELY.WENOTICE A FRAMEDPHOTOOF A GOOD
LOOKINGYOONGMANON HER DESK. THENSUDDENLY KARLIS WALKING
FROMTHE FAR END OF THE LONGOFFICE TOWARDS
HER. SHE WATCHES
HIM
- HE REACHESHER DESKNEARTHE DOOR.
KARL
Night, Sarah.
SARAH
Night, Karl.
HE LEAVES. SHE JUST SITS THERE, FROZENANDUSELESS.HERPHONE
RINGS.
Yup, absolutely, free as a bird - fire
away.
so IN'r. DANIEL'S LIVING P.0al. NIGB'l. so
A BIT LATER- DANIEL & SAMSITTING OPPOSITE EACHOTHER- LIKE AN
INTERVIEW- EACHIN THE MIDDLEOF A BIG COUCH. DANIELFOLL OF
ENERGY.
DANIEL
We can definitely crack this. Remember I
was a kid once too. Come on - it's someone
at school - right?.
SAM
Yup.
DANIEL
And how does she/he feel about you?
SAM
She doesn't even know my name. And even if
she did, she'd despise me. She's 2 years
older than me and everyone worships her
because she's heaven.
DANIEL
Right. Good. Well, basically ... you' re
fucked, aren't you.
SAM NODS.

FINAL .JUHe 29/6/02

 Page39

51 INT. DANIEL'S BOOSE. LIVING Roa«. NIGHT 51

LATERTHATNIGHT- CUT TO DIRTY DANCING- THE ENDWHEREPATRICK
SWAYZE IS DANCING VERYATHLETICALLY. 'I'VE HADTHE TIME OF MY
LIFE' ROCKS. SAM ANDDANIELARE WATCHING.
DANIEL
Although this is a thought. Listen up.
Maybe you could use your gymnastics to win
her over. surely that's·very groovy and
sexy?
SAMDOESA BRILLIANTHANDSPRING
TO GO GET A COKE.
SAM
No. She's an artist who despises all forms
of physical exercise.
DANIEL
Bugger. This is going to be tough.

52 INT. B'I:LMSTUDIO. DAY. 52

CUT TO A COUPLEHAVINGSLIGHTLYWEIRDSEX RATHERHALF-HEARTEDLY
- THEY'RE BOTHDRESSED,ANDHE APPEARSTO BE TAKINGHER FROM
BEHIND, HER LEANINGFORWARD AGAINSTA PILLAR IN A STYLISH,
DRAMATICALLY LIT LIVING ROOM.
D.O.P. (V/0)
Okay - you can stop there, thanks ....
CUT BACKTO SHOWTHE PARAPHERNALIA OF A HUGEFILM CREW.THE
o.o.e. IMMEDIATELYSLIPS INTO DISCUSSIONWITHTHE DIRECTOR.THE
TWOSTAND-INS, BECAUSETHAT'S WHATTHEYARE, STARTTO CHAT.
THEY'RE TWOPLAIN, SWEET, SIMPLE PEOPLE.
JOHN
I tell you, I thought I was never going to
get here today - that traffic was ...
JUDY
Unbelievable.
JOHN
Yeh - by the way - he introduced me as
John, but actually everyone calls me Jack.
JUDY
O fine - nice to meet you, Jack. He got me
right though - I'm just Judy.

(CONTINOED)
FINAL .JUN£ 19/6/02
 Page40
52 CONTINUED: 52

JOHN
Great, Just Judy.
THE ASSISTANTDIRECTORCOMESUP. HE IS TONY, COLIN'S
DISCOURAGINGFRIEND. HE IS NOTVERYCOMFORTABLEWITH HIS JOB AT
THIS MOMENT.
TONY
Judy - could you, ahm, take the top off
this time - lighting and camera need to
know when we're actually going to see the
nipples and when we're not - you know,
shadows and things.
JUDY
o yes, okay, right. (TO JOHN) At least it's
nice and warm in here.
JOHN
Absolutely. You've got to be ready for
anything in this job, don't you. I was once
standing in for Brad Pitt, and .••
TONY
Unfortunately we're going to have to hurry.
We need to shoot the actors before lunch.
JUDY
Fine.
JOHN
I promise I won't look.
SHE LAUGHS ANDBRAOFF - PULLINGA
A BIT, THENTAKESHERJUMPER
BIT OF A 'WHATCANYOUDO?' LOOKAT JOHN. "ANDACTION"THENTHEY
STARTTO MIMETHE SEX AGAIN. THECAMERAMANSTANDSVERYCLOSE,
JUDGINGTHELIGHTWITH HIS LITTLEMACHINE.
TONY
And Jerry says, could you just put your
hands on her breasts ...
HE DOESSO.

And massage them, please.

JOHN
Right •..• It's Junction 13 that's just
murder, isn't it - total gridlock there
this morning.

FINAL JUN& l9/6/02

 Page41

53 BX'?. .J.MllE'S CAR IN FRANCE. ])AY. 53

CUT TO FRANCE- TOTALLYEMPTYROAD. AURELIAAND JAMIE IN THE

CAR. TOTALSILENCE.... JAMIE GETTINGEMBARRASSED.
HE LOOKSAT THE
GORGEOUS VALLEYTHEYARE DRIVINGTHROUGH.
JAMIE
Bello ... bella.
SHE LOOKSPUZZLED.
Montagno. Agua.
HE KISSES HIS FINGERS TO SHOW
APPROVAL.
SHE JOST ~OOKSSLIGHTLY
PERPLEXED.
No, right. Silence is golden. As the
Tremeloes said. Clever guys. Though I
believe the original version was by Fxankie
Valli and the 4 Seasons. G-g-great
band."Ooooo-000-000" - o shut up.
HE JOST GOESBACKTO DRIVING.

54 INT. PILM S~lO/MODDN FLU. DAY. 54

THE TWOSTAND-INS HAVINGSEX AGAIN- ON A BED IN AN ULTRA-MODERN
FLAT - HE IS FULLYCLOTHED- SHE IS ON TOP OF HIM, STILL NAKED
ON TOP. A FEWMIMEDSECONDS.TONYSTILL A BIT SHY ABOUTALL
THIS.
TONY
My mistake - sorry, guys, it's all to do
with the effect of light on flesh and all
that. Jerry would like absolutely·
everything off.
JOHN
That's me as well?
TONY
Yeh.
JOHN
(WHISPEREDTO HER) The things we do for a
buck, eh?
CUT TO THE D.O.P. -
O.O.P.
Okay, let's see that again.
(CONTINUED)
FINA!. .JUN£ 19/6/02
 Page42
54 CONTINUED: 54

THE CAMERA
MOVESSLIGHTLYSIDEWAYSFROMWHERE HE IS STANDING,
MEASURING
THE LIGHT, TO FIND THEY'RENOWTOTALLYNAKEDIN THE
SAMEPOSITION- THEYMIMESEX UNPASSIONATELYAND CHAT.
JOHN
So what do you reckon to our new Prime
Minister?
JUDY
O, I like him - can't understand why he's
not married, though.
JOHN
o, you know the type - married to his job.
Either that or gay.
TONY
And, Judy, if you could just cheat the
nipples a little left and down, please.
JOHN
I have to say Judy, this is a real pleasure
- lovely to find someone I can really chat
to.
JUDY
Thank you. Ditto. Oops, sorry.
TONY
All right, everyone - that's a wrap for the
stand-ins - the actors are on their way
down.
55 IN'l'. CABINS'?ROOM.10 DOWNING
S'1'1\EE'l'.
DAY. 55

ALL THE CABINETARE THERE. AT LEAST4 WOMEN.

PM
Right - right - before we start, there is
one crucial issue of national importance
that I feel we must sort out.
HE HANDSOUTA PIECE OF PAPERTO EVERYONE.
PM (CONT'D)
I think it's vital as a Cabinet that we
show a united front on major issues, and so
I want everyone, after due and sober
reflection, to tick the record they think
is going to be number one at Christmas.
EVERYONE
LAUGHS.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNB 19/6/02
 Page43
-;5 CONTINUED: 55

PM (CONT'D)
Only a month to go. Anyone supporting my
particular favourite - Christmas is All
Around?
THE ENTIRE CABINETIS HORRIFIED.
ALL
Absolutely not/ It's going to be Westlife
/ Over my dead body ...
PM
Unexpected strength of feeling here.
FRY
Prime Minister, it doesn't have a
snowball's chance in hell. It would do the
Government untold damage to back such a
loser ...
EVERYONE
LOUDLY
AGREES.
PM
All right - we'll return to it later -
though I must say, I'd expected a little
more support from some of you ungrateful
bastards. What's next?
CARTER
The President's visit.
PM
Ah, yes, yes. Lock away your daughters.
THEYLAUGH.
PM (CONT'0)
Though seriously - I fear this is going to
be~ tricky one to play.
CARTER
There is a very strong feeling in the
party, and indeed, in the country, that we
mustn't allow ourselves to be bullied from
pillar to post like the last government.
JEREMY
Here, here. This is our first really
important test. Let's take a stand.
PM
Right. Right. I understand that. But I have
decided ••. not to.
(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page44
55 CONTINUED:(2) 55

BIG SIGH...
Of course we'll try to be clever, but let's
not forget, we're a very small country, one
of many, and America is the most powerful
country in the world. We're lucky to be
friends and we'll behave accordingly. I'm
not going to act like a child here.
GENERAL
GRUDGING
ACCEPTANCE.
Right - now who do you have to screw around
here to get a cup of tea and a chocolate
biscuit?
AT WHICHMOMENT
NATALIEENTERSWITHREFRESHMENTS.
PM (CONT'D)
(ABASHED)Right.
56 BX'l'. WHITEHALL/ 10 DOWNINGSTBEET. DAY. 56
DRAMATICCUT TO HUGECROWDSOUTSIDEDOWNING STREET- BRIGHT
SUNSHINE- THE DOOROPENS- ANDOUT OF THE CAR STEP TWOSECURITY
GUARDSANDTHENTHE AMERICAN PRESIDENT.HE IS IMMENSELY
GLAMOROUS- A HANDSOME,
CHARISMATICMAN.
57 IN'l'. 10 DOWNING
SDEE'r. ENTRANCE
BALL/INND LOBBY.DAY. 57
CUT INSIDE THE FRONTDOOR.THIS TIME IT'S NOISY WITHLOTS OF
PEOPLE- SOMEPRESS - HUGENUMBERS OF STAFF.
THE PRIMEMINISTERAND PRESIDENTSHAKE HANDS - THESETWOARE
KINGS OF THEIR DOMAINS
- BUT THE PM'S STYLESEEMSQUIETER, AND
MOREMODESTAGAINSTTHE AMERICAN SEXY, CONFIDENCE.
PM
I'm sorry your wife couldn't make it.
PRESIDENT
So is she. Though she might have been kind
of lonely ...
PM
Yes, tragic, isn't it. Just never been able
to tie a girl down. I'm not sure politics
and dating really go together.
PRESIDENT
Really? That's not what I've found.

(CONTINUED)
FZNAL JUN£ l 9/6/02
 Page45
57 CONTINUED: 57

PM
Yes, well, the difference is that you're
sickeningly handsome - and I look
increasingly like my Aunt Mildred. This
way•.•
THEYWALKALONGTHE CORRIDOR.ANDPASS NATALIE.•.
PRESIDENT
Now that is what I call a good looking
woman.
PM
Yes, she's ... a lovely •.• person.
A BURSTOF THUNDER
OUTSIDE...
58 INT. 'JN S'ltJDIO. DAY. 58

CUT INTO THE MIDDLEOF A CD:UKTYPE SATURDAY MORNING POP SHOW...

BILLY BEING INTERVIEWEDBY ANT & DEC, NEXTTO A BIG PILE OF POP
PRIZES. JOE GETS A WORDIN JUST BEFORETHE INTERVIEWSTARTS.
JOE
So remember, it's a kid's show, keep it
sweet, keep it light, think little six year
olds with shining morning faces •..
BILLY
Trust me.
AND THEY'REON AIR.
DEC
So, Billy - 3 weeks till Christmas and it
looks like the real problem's going to be
Westlife.
BILLY
Yes, I saw them on the show last week. They
weren't very nice about my record.
ANT
No. Scamps!
BILLY
Yeh - but very, very talented musicians.
CUT TO JOE, DELIGHTED
AT THIS TACTFULAPPROACH.
DEC
And you've brought a gift for competition
winners.
(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page46
58 CONTINUED: 58

BILLY
Yes, I have, Ant or Dec. It's a
personalised felt pen.
ANT
o great.
BILLY
It's brilliant. It even writes on glass. So
if you've got a framed picture, like for
instance this one ... of Westlife. (FRAMED
PICTURE- A PRIZE) you can just write .on
it - here we go -
HE WRITES- 'WE'VE GOT LITTLE PRICKS'
DEC
Lots of kids watching, Billy. And it's
live.
BILLY
0 yes - so it is. Hiya kids - an important
message from your Uncle Bill: don't buy
drugs - become a pop star, and then people
give you them for free.
ANT
And I do believe we're heading for a
commercial break. Thank the lord.
HEADIN HANDSJOE. YOUCANHEM THUNDER
& RAIN OUTSIDE.
59 IN'1'. MEE'rDTG ROOM. DOWNING S~T. DAY. 59

THE ROOMIS NOWFULL OF PEOPLE- 8 OF THEM- 3 AMERICANS

- 5
ENGLISH, INCLUDINGTHE PM ANDTHE PRESIDENT
...
THE EXPERTSARE TALKING. PM LOOKINGINTENTLYON. THE MEETINGIS
VERYTENSE.
AMERICANEXPERT
No. Absolutely not. Never. We cannot and
will not consult on that. Our business and
ours alone.
CARTER
Right. That is unexpected.
AMERICAN PRESIDENT
It shouldn't be. The last administration
made it very clear - we are just being
consistent with their policies: we don't
have to consult you on these issues.
(CONTINUED)
FINAL JONE 19/6/02
 Page47
59 CONTINUED: 59

CARTER
But, with all respect they were bad
policies - we hoped that we were meeting
today to formulate better ones.
THE PRIMEMINISTER IS CLEARLYON CARTER'S SIDE - BUT HE IS
TAKING HIS PROMISEDMODERATING
STANCE.
PM
Right - thank you, Alex - let's move on,
shall we?
60 IN'I'. CORRIDOR. NIGHT 60

SOONAFTERWARDS
- THE PRIMEMINISTERWALKING
ALONGWITHCARTER.
PM
Calm down, Alex - calm down - trust me -
this is not the time to pick a fight.
61 IN'I'. PM'S OFFICE. 10 DOWNING
STBBET. NIGB'r. 61

THE PRESIDENTFLOPS DOWNINTO A CHAIR. THE END OF THE DAY.

PRESIDENT(CONTD)
So - who do you have to screw to get a
drink round here?
PM SMILESWRYLY
AT THE REFLECTIONOF HIS SENTENCE.
PM
I'll get you a drink and you don't have to
screw anyone. (ON THE SPEAKER PHONE)Two
whiskies, please - thank you.
PRESIDENT
On the rocks.
PM
(INTO THE PHONE)With ice. Well, now that
was an interesting day.
PRESIDENT
I'm sorry if our line was firm - there's no
point tip-toeing around today and then just
disappointing you for the next four years.
I have plans - and I plan to see them
through.

(CONTINUED)
FrNAL JUNB 19/6/02
 Page48
61 CONTINUED: 61

PM
Yes, it was •.• certainly unexpectedly firm.
(HE GETS UP) There's one final thing I'd
like to look at - very close to my heart -
if you just give me a second.
PRESIDENT
I'll give you anything you ask for - as
long as you don't. ask for something I don't
want to give.
PM WALKSOUT INTO THE CORRIDOR - PASSINGNATALIEON THE WAYWITH
THE WHISKIES. HE SMILES AT HER IN THE AWKWARD
WAYOF A MANIN
LOVE. THE CAMERA CONTINUESTO FOLLOW HIM.
PM
Pathetic.
HE GOESINTO A DOOR,ENTERSA SECONDOFFICE, GRABSA FILE AND
WALKSBACK TOWARDS HIS STUDY. HE ENTERS- ANDSOMETHING
ODDIS
GOINGON. THE PRESIDENTANDNATALIEARE STANDINGIN A GUILTY
PROXIMITY.HIS HANDON HER HIP. SHE BLUSHESCOMPLETELY
ANDMOVES
A FOOTAWAY.
THE PRESIDENTIS UNTHROWN- HE JUST STRAIGHTENS
HIS TIE - AND
REACHESFOR HIS WHISKY.SOMETHING WEIRDHAPPENSTO THE SOUNDFOR
A SECOND- THIS IS AWFULFOR THE PRIMEMINISTER.
PRESIDENT
Great scotch.
NATALIE
I'll be going then.
SHE WALKSOUT, HER HEADBOWED,PASTTHE PM.
PRESIDENT
A privilege to meet you, Natalie. I hope to
see more of you, as our two great countries
work for a better future.
NATALIE
Thank you, sir.
SHE LEAVES.
PRESIDENT
So what are we dealing with here? Something
very close to your heart.
PM
Yes. Right. Yes •.• indeed.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL vUNE 19/6/02
 Page49
51 CONTINUED:(2) 61

HE IS CLEARLYQUITE SHAKENBY WHAT'SHAPPENED.THE CAMERA

LINGERSON HIM AS HE TRIES TO GATHERHIMSELF. A CLAP OF THUNDER.
62 IN'?. /Brr. TON%' S &'LAT. DAY • • 62
IT'S A PRETTYSMALL, UNIMPRESSIVE,VERYSINGLE MAN'S FLAT. KNOCK
ON THE DOOR.TONYOPENSTHE DOORTO A SOAKING,CASE-CARRYING
COLIN.
COLIN
Hi.
TONY
What are you doing here?
COLIN
Had to rent out my flat to pay for the
ticket.
TONY
You're not actually going ahead with this
genuinely stupid plan?
COLIN
Bloody am. Think this suitcase is full of
clothes? Like hell it is - it's chock-a-
block full of condoms.
TONY
But I've only got one bed.
COLIN
I know. But it's a double - and you're a
sad act who hasn't had a girlfriend this
decade - so there's room for met
HE'S OP THE STAIRS INTO THE LIVING ROOM.THE TV IS ON, ANDTHE
PRESIDENTIS ON IT. TONY'S SINGLE PIZZA SITS THERE. COLIN HELPS
HIMSELF.

Great - pizza. 0 look, sexy Pres is in town

- the 'deeds' he's done - those are the
deeds I want to do. Woof woof!
63 INT. MEETING R00M. 10 DOHN:ING STBEET. DAY. 63
CUT INTO THE ROOMOF THE FINAL PRESS CONFERENCE
... WE SEE THE PM
ANOPRESIDENTSITTING A COUPLEOF YARDSAPART, IN FORMAL CHAIRS,
HUGEAMOUNTS OF PRESS FACETHEM.THE PM LOOKSVERYSERIOUS.
PRESS PERSON
Mr President... has it been a good visit?

(CONTINUED)
FINAi, JUNE 19/6/02
 Page50
63 CONTINUED: 63

PRESIDENT
Very satisfactory indeed - we got what we
came for - the special relationship is
still very special.
PRESS PERSON
Prime Minister?
PAUSE.
PM
Love that word 'relationship - covers all
manner of sins doesn't it? I greeted the
President knowing there couldn't be
equality with America - but I wasn't
prepared for a total lack of give and take.
I fear this has become a bad relationship
- a relationship based on the President
taking exactly what he wants - and casually
ignoring those things that really matter
to ... Britain. We may be a small country but
we're a great country too, and a friend who
bullies us is no longer a friend. And since
bullies only respond to strength - from
this moment on, I will be more prepared to
be less friendly. And the President should
be prepared for that.
HUGEEXCITEDPHOTOGRAPHING AND WRITINGFROMTHE PRESS - THIS IS
NOWA REALSTORY. AT THE BACKOF THE HALL- OR BEHINDTHEMWE
SEE THE CABINETMEMBERS COMPLETELYDELIGHTED,PARTICULARLY
CARTER.AT LAST THE PM HAS COMEOFF THE FENCE. THE PRESS ALL
SHOUTOUTTO GET THEPRESIDENT'SREACTION.
PRESS PEOPLE
Mr President / Mr President / MR PRESIDENT
...
what do you make of that???
PRESIDENT
Well, it's certainly fighting talk.
Certainly ••. unexpectedly firm.
THE PMLOOKSACROSSAT HIM- THE PRESIDENTLOOKSBACKWITHA
MIXTUREOF ANGERANDNEWFOUNDRESPECT.THENWESEE SOMEONE OUT
OF FOCUSBEHINDHIM - THE FOCUSCHANGES - IT'S NATALIE.THE PM
LOOKSAT HER. SHE AT HIM. THENSHE DROPSHER HEAD.
64 IN'l'. N'S OFFICE. 10 DONNINGSTREET. DAY. 64

A CLUSTEROF PEOPLEAROUND THE PM IN HIS OFFICE CONGRATULATING

HIM. HIS CABINETARE VERYPROUDANDOVER-EXCITED.ENTERHIS
SECRETARY

(CONTINUED)
E'INAL JUNE l9/6/02
 Page51
64 CONTINUED: 64

PM' S SECRETARY.
It's your sister on the phone.
PM PICKS UP.
PM
Hiya, Skunk.
65 INT. DREN''S BOOSE.DAY. 65

KARENON THE PHONE-

KAREN
Have you gone crazy?
PM
You can't be sensible all the time.
KAREN
You can if you're Prime Minister.
PM
0 Jesus. It's the Chancellor of the
Exchequer on the other line. I'll ring you
back.
KAREN
You won't.
SHE HANGSUP. ANDGATHERS HERSELF.HARRYIS THERE.SHE FLICKSA
BUTTONTO TURNON THE CD. A PRETTY,SLIGHTLYJAZZYSONGPLAYSAS
KARENGOESOVERTO A TABLEFULL OF CHRISTMAS PRESENTSTHATNEED
WRAPPING
...
KAREN(CONT ' 0)
The problem with being the Prime Minister's
sister is that it puts your life into
rather harsh perspective. What did my
brother do today? He stood up to the
American President. And what did I do - I
built a papier mache lobster head.
HARRY
What is this we're listening to?
KAREN
Joni Mitchell.
HARRY
I can't believe you still listen to Joni
Mitchell.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page52
65 CONTINUED: 65

KAREN
What are you talking about? I love her and
true love lasts a lifetime. Joni Mitchell
is the woman who taught your cold English
wife how to feel. Which do you think we
should give Daisy - the doll that looks
like a transvestite - or the one that looks
like a prostitute?
HE SMILESAS SHE SHOWSHIM THE TWODOLLS. LITTLE DAISY ENTERS.
DAISY
Mummy,Bernie hit me.
KAREN
0 God - (TO HARRY)you deal with him. I
give up. Tonight I feel my brother made all
the right choices.
66 INT. PM' S BEDROOM. NIGHT. 66
THE PRIMEMINISTERGETINGREADYFOR BED. HE LOOKSSERIOUS, AND
ALONE. HE PUTS ON A CD. POSHESIT TO THE RIGHT TRACK- WAITSA
SECOND- ANDIN IT WHAMS - IT IS A FAVOURITE
HIGH TEMPONUMBER
FROMTHE 80S - HE DANCESUNEXPECTEDLY FUNKILYTO IT, IN TOTAL
EXHILARATIONANDTRIUMPH- IT'S BEENA GOODDAY.
67 INT. KI'l'CBBN.FABMBOOSEIN FRANCB.MORNING. 67
JAMIE IS EATINGBREAKFAST IN A BIG OLD FASHIONEDLIKE-SCHOOL
DRESSINGGOWN.AURELIAENTERS~ TAKESHIS COFFEECOP OFF THE
PILE OF PAPERS. HE OFFERSHER A CROISSANT. SHE SMILES. (FROM
NOWON WHENSHE SPEAKSIN PORTUGUESE, IT'S IN ITALICS. ON SCREEN
IT WOULD HAVESUBTITLES)
AURELIA
Thank you very much - but no - if you saw
my sister, you'd understand why.
JAMIE
No?
AURELIANODS.
JAMIE (CONT'0)
Yes?
SHE SHAKESHER HEADAGAIN.
JAMIE (CONT' D)
Okay - yes - 'no.' That's all right - more
for me.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL .JUN£ Z 9/6/"2
 Page53
67 CONTINUED: 67

AURELIA
Just don't go eating it yourself - you're
getting chubbier every day.
JAMIE
I'm lucky - I've got one of those
constitutions where I just don't put on
weight.
SHE LOOKSAT HIM AND SMILES. THERE'SA FRIENDSHIPDEVELOPING.
THE PHONERINGS - LAUGHING- THEYSEARCHFORHIS MOBILE,
EVENTUALLYFINDINGIT DOWN A COUCH.

JAMIE (CONT'D)
Hello.
MEL
Hello, Jamie.
JAMIE
O hi. How are you?
MEL
Good - I just thought I'd ring - check how
you were - see how the writing's going.
JAMIE
Fine - good, thank you - and how's the
sleeping with my brother going? ( .••• )
Right - much as expected then.
MEL
I just thought maybe with Christmas coming
we could get together for a drink or
something.
JAMIE
Or maybe not.
MEL
Or as you say - maybe not. O look, sorry -
I've got to go.
CUT BACKTO JAMIE - A BIT IN SHOCK- HE LOOKSACROSSAT AURELIA-
SHE SMILES GENTLYANDTHENCONTINUES WORKING
•••
68 IN':r. l'AIR'rRADB OFl'XCB. MORNING. 68

MEL SITS AT HER DESK. HARRYIS OVERWITH SARAH.WE SEE THAT

PHOTOOF THE YOUNGMANAGAIN.
HARRY
So - any progress on our match-making plan?
(CONTINUED)
FINAL .JUNE 19/6/02
 Page54
68 CONTINUED: 68

SARAH
No. I've done fuck-all and never will
because he's too good for me...
HARRY
Well, at least we've got the luxury of
worrying about love, eh - unlike the people
we're working for •.•
HE POINTS TO A DESPERATELY
SAD, DRAMATICALLY LOCATEDPOSTEROF
AN AFRICANMANIN A FIELD, HIS CROPS DESTROYED(THIS SHOULDBE
THE PICTUREBEHINDHER, SO WE SEE IT QUITE OFTEN, WHENEVER
WE'RE
AT HER DESK) SHE LOOKSAT THE POSTER- ANDTAKES IN AND
APPRECIATESHIS POINT.
SARAH
Yes. Yes.
HER MOBILEGOES
HARRY
And of course, your mobile goes ....
(TORNINGTO MEL) So. How's our Christmas
party going?
MEL
Good - think I've found a venue. Friend of
mine works there.
HARRY
What's it like?
MEL
Good - full of dark corners for doing dark
deeds.
SHE LOOKSAT HIMHARD.
HARRY
Right, right. Good. I'd like to see it.

69 Dr.r. PM'S OFFICE. 10 DOWNING

S'l'REB'r.DAY. 69
A DOOR- A KNOCKON IT - IT'S ANNIE.
PM
Annie, my darling, my dream, my boat.
I need you to do a favour for me.
ANNIE
Of course. Anything for the hero of the
hour.
(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUN£ 19/6/02
 Page55
69 CONTINUED: 69

PM
Don't ask me why - and for heaven's sake
don't read stuff into it - it's just a
little weird ••. personality thing. You
remember Natalie, who works here.
ANNIE
The chubby girl.
PM
Would we call her chubby?
ANNIE
I think there's a pretty sizeable arse
there, yes, sit. Huge thighs.
PM
Well, whatever. I'm sure she's a lovely
girl - but I wonder if you could sort of
redistribute her •••
ANNIE
It's done.
SHE LEAVES.HE TAKESIN WHAT HE'S DONE,LOOKSOUTTHEWINDOW,TO
A WORLD WHEREPEOPLEARE FREE. ANDTHENOPENSA NEWHUGE
OFFICIAL FILE ANDBEGINSTO MAKE NOTES.THE CAMERAMOVESAWAY
FROMHIM, ROUNDTHE ROOM,'IT SEEMSTO GET DARKER- ANDTHENTHE
CAMERA FINDS HIM AGAIN, AT THE OTHEREND OF THE ROOM.
... A KNOCK
HE JUST SITS THERE ON THE DOOR- HE ALMOST FLINCHES.
PM
Yes - come ..
THE DOOROPENSSLOWLY - IT IS A GIRL WITHTEA - NOTNATALIE.HE
LOOKSAT HER, THINKING. A POSSIBILITY IS GONE. HE TALKSINTO HIS
SPEAI<ERPHONE.
PM (CONT'D)
Mary, send Peter in, and ask the Chancellor
to come and explain why he's spending so
much sodding money.
70 EX'?. GARDEN. na:NCB DBM BOUSE. DAY. 70

JAMIE IS TYPINGOUTSIDEIN· A JUMPER, POTTINGTHE FINISHED PAPERS

UNDERHIS COFFEECUP - IT'S A LOVELYBIG RAMSHACKLE GARDEN,WITH
A LAKE, EVENA LITTLE WATERFALL ANDLAKEAT THE END. AURELIA
TAKESTHE CUP OFF THE PILE OF PAPERS, TO CLEANIT, AS SHE HAS
DONEBEFORE.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 29/6/02
 Page56
70 CONTINUED: 70

JAMIE
Thank you.
BUT THIS TIME, BECAUSEIT'S OUTSIDE,MOVINGTHE CUP SUDDENLY
LETS ALL THE PAPERSFLY - AURELIALEAPS TO GRABTHEM- ANDSO
DOESHE... BUT THE PAGESARE FLYINGAWAY
- ANDHEADINGIN THE
DIRECTIONOF THE LAKEAT THE ENDOF THE GARDEN.
AURELIA
O my God. o my God. I'm so sorry.
JAMIE
(WORRIED)0 no .•.
SHE RONSANDCATCHESSOMEOF THEM- BUT A HUGEHEAPHAVEHEADED
INTO THE WATER.
..
SHE GETSTO THE WATER'SEDGE- HESITATESFOR A MOMENT, ANDTHEN
WHIPS OFF HER DRESS TO REVEAL JUST PANTSANDA BRA. TIME SLOWS
DOWN.JAMIEWATCHES.IT'S AN UNEXPECTEDLY LOVELYBODYUNDERHER
FUNNYOLD CLOTHES.
JAMIE (CONT'D)
(CALLINGOUT) No - do-do-don't do that.
They're not worth it.
AURELIA
I hope they're worth it.
JAMIE
It's all just rubbish - please don't ...
BUTSHE DIVES IN.
JAMIE (CONT'D)
O God, she's in. ..
AURELIA
Fuck, it's cold. Fuck!
HE REACHES
THE EDGE.
JAMIE
O God - and now she'll think I'm a total
spas if I don' t ...
HE HESITATES, THENWHIPS OFF HIS JUMPERANOTROUSERSANDDIVES
IN...
JAMIE (CONT'0)
Fuck, it's freezing. Fuck!
THEYSWIMAROUND
AFTERTHE FLOATINGPAPERS
...
(CONTINUED)
FnlAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page57
70 CONTINUED:(2) 70

AURELIA
This stu:f:f better be good .. I don't want to
die of pneumonia to save some shit that
could have been written by my grandmother.
JAMIE
Seriously, this isn't worth it - it's not
bloody Shakespeare. Stop now. Stop. Enough...
O God - what the hell is that?
AS HE TREADSIN DISGUSTINGMOD.
71 · INT. L:IVmG ROOM / KITCHEN. DAY. 71
CUTTO A FEWMINUTESLATERIN THE KITCHEN, OR LIVING ROOM-
SHE'S IN HIS BIG OLD DRESSINGGOWN
- HE'S JUST IN A TOWEL.
JAMIE
I'm so, so sorry.
AURELIA
I'm so sorry.
JAMIE
Thank you.
AURELIA
You' re. welcome. Maybe you can name one of
the characters after me.
JAMIE
I'll name one of the characters after you.
AURELIA
Or give me sot of the profits.
JAMIE
Or I could give you 5% of the profits.
AURELIA
What kind o:f book is it? Kind. Kind ..

SHE POINTS TO THE PAGESANDMIMESLAUGHTER,TEARS & A HEART.

JAMIE
Ah.
MIMESKNIFE - MURDER.
AURELIA
Ah - thriller ... murder . ..

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 19/6/-02
 Page58
71 CONTINUED: 71

JAMIE
Yes. Si. Homicide. Murder.
AURELIA
Scary?
SHE MIMESA SCAREDFACE... HE MIMESBACKAN UNCERTAINHAND
...
JAMIE
Sometimes scary - sometimes... ha ha ha ! !
Very bad writing, so no-no-not so scary.
A SLIGHTLYAWKWARD
PAUSE
AURELIA
I must get back to work.
SHE MIMESCLEANING.
And then maybe later you will take me home.
SHE POINTS TO 6 O'CLOCKON HER WATCH
AND THENMIMESDRIVING••.
HE NODS 'YES'.
JAMIE
My favourite time of day, driving you.
AURELIA
The saddest part of my day, leaving you.
72 :INT/EXT. CAR & FRENCHSCENERY. 72

THEYDRIVEALONG.HE LOOKSAT HER - HER HAIR STILL WET. SHE

CATCHESHIM LOOKINGAT HER. HE LOOKSAWAY.
73 '13

A SIGN OUTSIDETHE PHOTOGRAPHERS

GALLERYSAYS "CHRISTMASCAPERS"
'74 :INT. GAI,I,ERY. DAY. 74

CUT INSIDE. MARKIS NERVOUS

- HARRYANDMELARE THERE.
MARK
I'm really sorry about the pictures.
HARRY
No, they're very ... office party. What's
this one called?
MARK
(VERYDEADPAN) 'Vagina', I believe.

(CONTINUED)
F'ENAL JUNE 29/6/02
 Page59
74 CONTINUED: 74

HARRY
And this one?
MARK
That's 'Vagina 2'. As in, Vagina number 2,
rather than 'Vagina also', though, of
course, it is also a vagina.
KARENCOMESOVERTO HARRY.SHE'S BEENAT THE OTHERENDOF THE
GALLERY.
KAREN
Well, I think it's the best party venue
ever. I particularly like the portrait of
the Four Tops.
CUT TO A LARGEPHOTOOF FOURBLACKPENISES
O Jesus - I've got to go see the sca~y
headmistress - Bernie's in trouble again.
HARRY
Don't tell me.
KAREN
Take my advice, Mel - don't marry. You give
up work, lose your looks and pour all your
life and love into children who turn out
to be total bastards. Or certainly the boys
do. Nice to meet you. (TO HARRY)See you
later
SHE KISSES HARRYAND HEADSOUT. ANDPASSES, IN THE DOOR, PETER,
BACKFROMTHE HONEYMOON. MARKIS THRILLED.
MARK
Pedro! Hey! Good to see you. (THEYHUG) How
are you, you ugly bastard?
PETER
Good. A huge relief to be back - all that
sex wears a man out. Mel - dangerous
perfection as always. (HE SPIES THE PHOTOS)
Jesus Christ!
MARK
I know. I know.
THEYLOOKAT ONE OF THE PICTURES
PETER
I mean, what is going on here?

(CONTINUED)
l'INAl, JUNE 1.9/6/02
 Page60
74 CONTINUED:(2) 74

A VERYLARGEPENIS
MARK
It's trick photography. I hope. We all do.
75 UT. SCHOOLCAR PABK. DAY. 75

I<AREN
SPEEDSIN RATHERTOO FAST.
76 Zft. BBADMISTRESS'Ol'l'ICB.SCHOOL.DAY. 76
A SLIGHTLYSCARYFORMAL
ROOM
- THE HEADMISTRESS
IS THERE, A VERY
SCARY,SERIOUS, OLDERLADY- WITHA FORMTEACHER ANDHER SON,
GRUMPYBERNARD.KARENGIVES HIM A PRETTYST~RNLOOK.
HEADMISTRESS
Bernard was asked to write an essay for
Religious Education about his Christmas
Wish. ..

KAREN
Right.
HEADMISTRESS
An apparently charming subject. But not for
Bernard. Mr Trench.
SHE HANDSOVERTO THEBOY'S R.E. TEACHER.
MRTRENCH
We have had some excellent essays. Many
concentrated on a world at peace ....
KAREN
Excellent ...
MR TRENCH
And there was one very touching one by a
young boy with a very sick sister - just
wishing that she could for just one day,
for Christmas day, be well again.
KAREN
I do hope that happens.
HEADMISTRESS
I would l_ike you to read your son' s
contribution.
KAREN
Very well ...
SHE IS HANDEDAN ESSAY.
(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE l9l6/02
 Page61
76 CONTINUED: 76

What? I have to do it here?

HEADMISTRESS
Yes. I'm sorry, Mrs Trevor, but I want
your son to face up to what he's done in
front of everyone.
KAREN
All right.
SHE STARTSTO READ- WEHEARHER SON'S VOICE-OVER
ANDACTUALLY
SEE THE IMAGESHE IS DESCRIBING.
BERNIE{V/0)
I have thought long and hard about what I
would wish for at Christmas - but after
long considaration. ...
KAREN
You've mis-spelt 'consideration' ...
BERNIE
Sorry ...
KARENSHAKESHER HEAD, DISAPPOINTED
ANDGOESBACKTO READING
BERNIE (CONT'D)
After long consideration I have decided
this is my Christmas wish - that just for
one day, you could see people's farts.
CUT BACKTO KARENFOR A SECOND- SHE LOOKSUP - THEYALL KNOW
OF
WHAT SHE'S JUST READ - AN ATMOSPHEREGREATGRAVITY...
Can you imagine anything more fun?
77 m'.r. A CBRISDGS BOMB. AFTERNOON. 77
A LOVELYTRADITIONALCHRISTMASDUNNER
IS BEING EATEN- ALL THE
FAMILYTHERE.
BERNIE (V/0)
You get to the end of a huge Christmas
meal, and your grandmother lets .rip - and,
at last, for once, she can't blame the dog.
A SMALLBLUE BUBBLERISES UP FROMTHE GRANDMOTHER.

78 nrl'. CBURCB. NIGB'r 78

AN IDEAL OLD COUNTRYCHURCH.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUN& 19/6/02
 Page62
78 CONTINUED: 78

BERNIE (V/0)
You go to church, and for the first time
ever, it's fun.
THE PLACEIS JUST BOBBLINGWITHBLUENESS. LARGEFARTSOUT OF
TINY PEOPLE- SMALLONES OUT OF BIG PEOPLE. THE CHOIRARE ALL
BREAKINGWIND.
- and then finally, you get the moment
we've waited for all our lives ...
79 INT /"&rt BUCKINGHAM
PALACE. DAY. 79
IT'S THE QUEEN'S SPEECH, WITHBLUE FARTS IN IT.
QUEEN
And we must of course never forget the
importance of tradition •..
A HUGELYFORMALPARADE- HER ON HER HORSE- ANDTHE HORSEBREAKS
WIND.
- and the importance of family.
THENA SHOTOF HER ANDHER TWOSONS WALKING
THROUGH
ST JAMES
PARK. SHE BREAKSWIND.
80 INT. HBJ\DMISTRESS'OJTICB.
SCHOOL.DAY. 80

KARENSHAKESHER HEAD.
KAREN
Right - right. I see. That is
disappointing. I'm embarrassed and almost
ashamed. Do you mind if I have a word with
Bernard outside ...
THEYGO OUT INTO THE CORRIDORTOGETHER
••.
81 Dn. SCHOOL
CORIUDOR.DAY. 81

BERNARD
Sorry, Mum.
KAREN
I'm sorry too, Bernie. Sorry and ashamed
and embarrassed that I've put you in a
school with such total and utter pricks
that they don't get a good gag when they
see one.
BERNARD
What?
(CONTINUED)
FINA£ JUN£ 19/6/02
 Page63
81 CONTINUED: 81

KAREN
You heard me. This is high class comedy -
this is first rate stuff. (SWELLINGMUSIC)
You're my son - and obviously I'm going to
love you. But now, I really LOVEyou. (AS
THEYWALKAWAY,MUSICPLAYINGLIKE CRAZY)I
genuinely think they could develop this you
know - if they sprayed some sort of
invisible fart-detecting gas into the air,
it could happen ...
BERNARD
You think so?
KAREN
I'm goddamn sure of it.
82 IN'l'. RECORD COMPANY BOUDaooM. DAY. 82

A LARGECORPORATE
BOARDROOM:
BILLY IS SEATED, JOE IS PACING.
BILLY
You think so?
JOE
I'm goddamn sure of it. If this lot put a
bit of extra cash behind it, we can be
number one. All you've got to do is just,
you know, butter them up a little - make
them realise you're a team player.
BILLY
Right. Cool. Be sweet to the suits.
JOE
I'm being serious, Bill. You're a genius. I
know it. You know it. But we also know that
this industry is full of self-important
little shits, and sometimes we need those
little shits on our side.
BILLY
Absolutely. Wise words. Profound truths.
JOE
Here goes.
THE DOOROPENS. IN COME3 QUITE HIP LOOKINGPOP EXECUTIVES.TWO
OLDERGUYSANDA YOUNGER WOMAN.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE l9/6/02
 Page64
B2 CONTINUED: 82

Dave - Alain - Gina - wow - good to see

you. I'm Joe - and this is, well, we know
who this is, this is •.• Billy Mann.
BILLY
Hey. Dave. Alain. And Gina. }.nd how old are
you, Gina - 12? 13?
GINA
Actually I'm 24. How old are you?
BILLY
I'm 94 - ever given a~ old man a blow-
job?
JOE LAUGHSLOUDLYTO COVER-UPTHE MOMENT.
JOE
Well, I think we all know why we're here.
The record is great - the video is a Santa-
stic sensation - but we just need to work
out how to make damn-arse sure that
"Christmas is All Around'' reaches Number 1.
BILLY
Absolutely. Rock on. I also wouldn't mind
finding out which of you little fuckers
said you'd chuck me off the label if the
single was a flop.

83 En. FRENCH FARM BOtJSB. DAY. 83

CUT TO JAMIE PUTTINGHIS CASES ANOLOTS OF FRENCHYPRESENTS-

WINE ANDCHEESEETC IN THE CAR. AURELIASTANDSBY.
JAMIE
Christmas. Noel. Grando familio.
84 EX'l!. NEAR AURELIA' S BotrSB. DAY. 84

CUT TO HIM LETTING HER OFF AT THE EDGEOF THE TOWN.SHE IS

GETTINGOUT WHENHE STOPS HER. HE PUTS FORWARD HIS HANDTO SHAKE
IT. SHE TAKESIT ANDSHAKESIT. THEN ...
AURELIA
Thank you. I will miss you and your very
slow typing •• and your very bad driving ...
HE SHRUGSHIS SHOULDERS
- NONETHE WISER. SO SHE SIMPLYLEANSIN
ANDKISSES HIM GENTLYON THE CHEEK.ANDSHE WALKSAWAY.HE STOPS
ANDTHINKS ANDTHEN SETS OFF AGAIN, A LITTLE DAZEDANOCONFUSED.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page65
84 CONTINUED: 84

THEN, COMINGROUNDTHE CORNER,SUDDENLY THEREIS A CARIN FRONT

OF HIM - HE'S DRIVINGON THE WRONGSIDE OF THE ROAD. HE SWERVES
AND JUST GETS AWAYWITH HIS LIFE.
85 EXT. LONDONSTREET. NIGB1l'. 85
SMARTCUT TO A BUSYLONDON STREET, AT NIGHT••. AS THE LIGHTS
FROMTHE CAR'S ILLUMINATETHE SIDEWALK,WE JUST CATCH. A GLIMPSE
OF THE HEADMISTRESS
FROMBERNARD'SSCHOOL- A LONELYFIGURE
NERVOUSLYCROSSINGTHE STREET.
SEE THE OUTSIDEOF MARK'SGALLERY- HARRY'SOFFICE PARTYIN FULL
SWINGINSIDE.
86 86
CUT INSIDE. A CHRISTMASSONGPLAYS. THE GALLERYLOOKSWARM
AND
PARTY-READY.
WE SEE KARL, SURROUNDED
BY PRETTYGIRLS ANDSARAHSTANDINGA BIT
NERVOUSLYON HER OWN,BESIDE A HUGEGRAPHICNAKEDPHOTO. SHE IS
LOOKINGQUITE LOVELYHERSELF.
MEL IS LOOKINGABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING,
AS GIRLS CANDO AT
CHRISTMAS,WITH A TIGHT RED DRESSANDA TINY PAIR OF DEVILS
HORNS. SHE TALKSSLIGHTLYDISINTERESTEDLYTO ANOTHER GIRL. HARRY
TALKSWITH KARENANDA FRIEND- THEN•••
KAREN
I suppose I better do the duty round ...
HARRY
You're a saint.
YOUSEE HIM LOOKINGACROSSAT FABULOUS
MELANDTHENHE GOESBACK
TO HIS CONVERSATION- ANDSURREALLY
QUICKLY,MEL IS THERE,
TAPPINGHIM ON THE SHOULDER.
MEL
Any chance of a dance with the boss?
HARRY
Yes, sure, sure.... As long as your
boyfriend doesn't mind.
MEL
NOTmy boyfriend.
CUT TO MARK- HE IS TALKINGTO AN OLDMAN, PROBABLY
A RETIRED
PARTNEROF THE FIRM••.

(CONTINUED)
YlllAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page66
86 CONTINUED: 86

OLDMAN
This is a particularly good one. What's
that called?
A PHOTOWITH 100 NAKEDPEOPLE, WITHNO HEADS.
MARK
I think it's the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
ANDTHENCUTTO MEL& HARRYDANCING- WE'RE AWARE
OF KAREN
ELSEWHERE,
JUST TALKINGSWEETLY
TO A VERYDULLCOUPLE.
HARRY
You're looking very .•• pretty tonight.
LITTLE PAUSE
MEL
For you.
HARRY
Sorry?
MEL
It's all for you... sir.

81 EXT. S'rREET.NIGHT. 87

THE MOVINGCAMERA MOVESAROUNDA DARKSTREETCORNER- TO FIND A

NAKEDBODY,CURLEDAROUND A DRESSEDMAN. IT FEELS LIKE HARRY&
MEL OUTSIDETHE GALLERYBACKDOOR.THENTHE D.O.P. JUST APPEARS
IN SHOT. THENTHE SOUNDOF SNEEZING. -
TONY
Okay, stop there. Give Judy a coat someone.
WHIPSOFF HIS JACKETANDGIVES IT TO HER.
JOHNIMMEDIATELY
JUDY
Thanks. You're a real gentleman.
JOHN
To you ..• just to you.
A BIT OF A CRUSH.
HE'S OBVIOUSLYDEVELOPING
88 :aft. GALLDY. NIGB'l'. 88
THE PARTYAGAIN. MARKHAVINGA SEXLESS DANCEWITH A SHORTGIRL.
SARAHTALKINGTO KAREN

(CONTINUED)
FINAL .JUNE:19/6/02
 Page67
88 CONTINUED: 88

SARAH
I suppose it's his job to dance with
everyone, isn't it.
KAREN
Yes - some more than others.
SHE LOOKSACROSSAT MELWHOIS TALKINGTO HARRY.THENSUDDENLY
KARLIS THERE.
KARL
Just one dance before we run out of
chances.
SARAH
Who - me?
KARL
Unless you ...
SARAH
No, no - good - yes - nice - thanks.
A PERKYTUNEPLAYS...BUT THE SECONDTHEYSTARTTO DANCE
... A
ROMANTICTUNEBEGINS. THEYHAVETO GET CLOSERANDTHEYSEEMTO
FIT PRETTYWELL"TOGETHER.
A MOMENTOF HAPPINESS.
89 Dr.l'. BEADNISfftBSS' !'LAT. NIGHT. 89

THE CAMERAMOVESOUTANDAROUND TO A NEARBYFLAT. A NICE BUT

QUITE SMALLLONDON
MANSIONFLAT- MRSMONROE,THE HEADMISTRESS
FROMBERNARD'SSCHOOL,LETS HERSELFIN.
HEADMISTRESS
Hello ...
GERALDINE(V/0)
Aha! Welcome!
THE HEADMISTRESS
HEADSIN TO THE KITCHEN- ANDCALLSOUTAS SHE
POURSA GLASSOF WATER
••
HEADMISTRESS
And how was today?
GERALDINE(V/0)
o, you know. It comes in waves. Excellent
episode of Starsky and Hutch after lunch -
those two are really very bad drivers
indeed.

(CONTINUED)
E'INAI. .JUNE l9/6/02
 Page68
89 CONTINUED: 89

HEADMISTRESS HEADSINTO THE BEDROOM WHEREHER BED-BOUND PARTNER

IS SITTING IN HER PAJAMAS- SHE IS A VERYSICK WOMAN OF THE SAME
AGE. YOUCANTELL IMMEDIATELY THE DYNAMICOF THE RELATIONSHIP-
GERALDINE'STHE TEASINGFUNNYONE- HEADMISTRESS IS THE ROCK.
HEADMISTRESS
Here you go. And I've got some lovely
sausages for you later.
SHE SITS DOWN
NEXTTO HER
GERALDINE
And how was school?
HEADMISTRESS
One rather strange incident. Mother came in
- her son had written a really shocking
essay - and she took the boy outside - and
left me & Mr Trench waiting like a pair of
spare parts for 10 minutes before we
realised they'd quite simply buggered off.
GERALDINE
How splendid. Teach you to be so pompous -
I bet the essay was excellent.
HEADMISTRESS
Well, actually to be honest, it did have
its amusing side. His Christmas wish was to
see people's farts.
GERALDINE
Bravo. That's my Christmas wish too.
SHE LAUGHS- THENSUDDENLY
GETS A STABOF PAIN, ANDLETS OUTA
LITTLE MOAN.
HEADMISTRESS.
You all right, my love?
GERALDINE .
Yes fine - now what about these sausages -
they're not all fancy are they - pork and
leek and apple and all that shit?
HEADMISTRESS
Absolutely not. (?AUSE) All right, I'll
pick out the apple. And the leek. And the
asparagus.
GERALDINEROARSWITH LAUGHTER.HEADMISTRESS
TOO. LOVEMAKESHER
LOVELY.

FINA£ JUNB 29/6/02

 Pege69

90 IN'l. CAR. NIGB't. 90

CUT TO KARL& SARAHIN A CARTOGETHER

- THE MUSIC PLAYSON...
SARAHSTILL IN A STATEOF SHOCK.
91 Dff. BEDROOM.IOUU!:N'S BOUSE. NIGBl'. 91
THE SONGCONTINUES
TO PLAYOVERHARRYANDKARENIN THEIR
BEDROOM.
KAREN
It was a good night - though I felt fat.
HARRY
o don't be ridiculous.
KAREN
It's true.
SHE SLIPS OFF HER DRESSSHYLY. SHE IS. A LITTLE CHUNKY
NOW.
KAREN(CONTD)(CONT'D)
Nowadays the only clothes I can buy were
once owned by Pavarotti.
CUT BACKTO HARRY,WATCHING
HER.
KAREN (CONT'D)
Mel's very pretty.
HARRY
Is she?
KAREN
You know she is, darling. Be careful there.
92 ~. MIL'S BEDROOM.N:IGBT. 92

MEL, SLIPPING OFF HER DRESSIN HER SEDUCTIVEBEDROOM.

RED
UNDERWEAR. STARTLINGFIGURE.
93 Dft'. HALI,WA!'.SARAH'S FLAT. NIGHT. 93

LATERTHATNIGHT. IN SARAH'S HALLWAY

...
KARL
Good night.
SARAH
Good night.
HE KISSES HER- NOT ON THE CHEEK- ON THE LIPS. PAUSE. HE'S VERY
STRAIGHT-FACED.
(CONTINUED}
FZNllL JUN£ 19/6/02
 Page70
93 CONTINUED: 93

KARL
I don't actually have to go.
SARAH
Right. Good. That's good.
IT'S NOT THAT SHE'S SMUGABOUTTHIS - IT'S THE BEST MOMENT OF
HER LIFE. SHE JUST MUSTN'TLEAP UP AND SCREAM.SHE TRIES TO PLAY
IT COOL.
SARAH (CONTID)
Excuse me one second, Karl.
94 Drl. LIVING ROOM. SARAH'S i'LA't. NIQB'l. 94
SHE GOESNEXTDOOR- ANDSCREAMS SILENTLYAND JUMPS UP ANDDOWN
HYSTERICALLYANDGESTURESTO GODIN PRAYER.ANDTHEN RE-SORTS
HERSELFAND GOES BACKINTO THE HALLWAYCOOLLY.
95 :IN'i. HALLWAY.SARAH'S l'LAT. NIGB'l'. 95
SARAH
Yup, that's good. Why don't you just ... come
upstairs .•.
96 INT. BEDROOM.SARAH'S FLAT. NIGB'l'. 96
SHE IS TIDYING FRANTICALLY
- THENHE ENTERS.
KARL
Hey ...

ANDKISS.
THEYMOVETOGETHER
A FEWMOMENTS
PASS IN A DISSOLVE
...
SHE UNBUTTONSHIS SHIRT. HE JUST LOOKSAT HER. OFF COMESTHE
SHIRT. SHE POTS HER ARMSAROUND HIS SHOULDERS
ANDKISSES HIS
NECK. THENHE KISSES HER AGAIN.
IN BED - SHE IS IN JUST HER BRAANDPANTS - HE LIES ALMOSTON
TOP OF HER - HIS SHIRT OFF - BUT HIS ~ROUSER$ON. THEYKISS.
THEN....
I<ARL (CONT'D)
Here, let me take these off.
HE STARTSTO ONDOHIS BELT.
NOT A GRAPHICSEX SCENE. BUT WHATHAPPENSNEXT, WHILE
CONCENTRATINGON THEIR FACES, IS THATHE LIES DOWN,ANDWITHIN
20 SECONDSSHE SITS OP ON HIM. HE LOOKSUP.

(CONTINUED}
FINAL .:JUNE19/6/02
 Page71
96 CONTINUED: 96

KARL (CONT'D)
Pretty girl.
SOFTMUSICPLAYS. SHE IS LOOKINGHARDAT HIM. THENFULLOF
SHYNESS,SHE REMOVES HER BRA....
AND THENTHE PHONESTARTSTO RING. 6 RINGS. SHE GLANCESAT HER
WATCH.IT IS 12.30 AM.
SARAH
I better answer it.
SHE TIPS OFF HIM TO ANSWER
THE PHONE,WHICHIT'S A SCRAMBLE
TO
FIND. THE PERSONON THE OTHERENDIS TALKINGA LOT.
(CONT'D)
SARAH
Hello. (.... ) darling. Hello,
(.... ) No, I'm
not busy. No - fire away (.... ) Right. (...)
Right (.._,_,..,_.....)
SHE LOOKSAT KARL. NAKEDBESIDE HER.
SARAH (CONTID)
Yes - (..... ) I'm not really sure it's going
to be possible actually to get in touch
with the Pope tonight, but. . • (.... )
SLOWLYKARLSLIPS SIDEWAYS,TO SIT BY THE BED••• SHE MOUTHS TO
HIM..'SORRY'.
SARAH(CONT'D)
Yes, yes - ( ••• } No, I'm that he's very
good at •.• exorcism. And yes, Paul
McCartney might be good too. Yes, I'll
definitely look into it .•.
KARLSITS UP ON THE SIDE OF THE BED.
SARAH(CONT'D)
Okay, bye, bye - I'll talk to you later.
(SHE HANGSUP) I'm sorry about that.
KARL
No, it's fine.
SARAH
It was my brother. He's not well. He calls
a lot.
KARL
I'm very sorry.

(CONTINUED)
FrNAL JVNB 19/6/02
 Page72
96 CONTINUED:(2) 96

SARAH
No, it's fine. I mean, it's not fine - but
it's what it is. And sort of, there being
no parents now and us being over here, it's
my job to ... keep an eye on him. Well, not
'job' - obviously, I'm glad to do it.
KARL
Of course. Of course. It's okay - life is
full of interruptions and complications.
HE LEANSIN ANDKISSES HER, ANDTHENWE HAVE20 MORESECONDSOF
ROMANCEANDTHE PHONEGOESAGAIN. SHE WATCHESIT RING.
KARL (CONT'D)
Will it make him better?
SARAH
No.

KARL
Then maybe ... don't answer?
PAUSE. SHE LOOKSAT KARL- ANDREACHESSACK AND ANSWERS.
SARAH
Hey, how you doing? ( .••. ) Right. Right.
KARLSITS QUIETLYBY THE BEDSIDE
SARAH(CONT'D)
Little darling - please don't - we're
going to find the answer between us and it
won't hurt any more. . . (..... )
ANOKARLPUTS HIS HEADIN HIS HANDS,WAITING.
SARAH(CONT'D)
No, I'm not busy. If you want me to come
now, of course I will ...
ANDKARLJUST STARESAT HERANDSHE DROPSHER HEAD. SADMUSIC
PLAYS. ONLYTHE BED BETWEEN
THEM- BUT THEY'RE WORLDS
APART.
97 Im:. BEDROOM.BEADMCSTRBSS'
:E'LM:. NIGB't. 97
COT TO GERALDINEFAST ASLEEP, BUT BREATHINGBADLY.THE
HEADMISTRESSIN BED BESIDE HER LOOKSAT THE CEILING - V.
WORRIED.

/!'INAL '7UNE 2 9/6/02

 Page73

98 INT. BEDROOM.KAREN'S HOUSE. NIGHT. 98

CUT TO KAREN, LYING AWAKEBESIDE HARRY. VERY SAD. SHE KNOWSIN
SOMEWAYSHE'S LOST HIM. SHE LOOKSACROSSAT HIM, THEN BACKUP,
A TINY TEARGATHERED IN HER EYE.
99 INT. BEDROOM.DANIEL'S HOUSE. NIGHT. 99
THE SAMESAD MUSIC PLAYS- DANIEL IS IN HIS BEDROOM,VERY LATE.
WE'VE CAUGHTHIM AT A BAD MOMENT - HE IS LOOKINGAT A PICTURE OF
HIS JOANNA, AND IS NEARTO TEARS. THE DOOROPENS - HE SNAPS OUT
OF IT, AS BEST HE CAN - GOODENOUGHTO FOOL SAM, WHOENTERS IN
HIS PAJAMAS.
SAM
I got some terrible news today.
DANIEL
Let's have it.
SAM
Joanna's going back to America.
DANIEL
Your girl is American?
SAM
Yes - she's American and she's not my girl
and she's going back to America and that's
the end of my life as I know it.
DANIEL
Right, right. That is bad news. We need Meg
and we need her now.
100 IN'l'. KITCHEN. DANIEL'S BOUSE. NIGHT. 100

CUT TO THEMIN THE KITCHEN, IN PAJAMAS,EATING ICE-CREAMFROM

TUBS, AND WATCHINGTHE ENDOF 'SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE' - FIRST THE
MOMENT SHE APPROACHESTHE DESK IN THE EMPIRE STATE AND THE GUY
SAYS 'IT'S CLOSED'. THEN CUT BACKTO THE BOYS - THEN BACKTO THE
END, AS MEGAND TOMHOLDHANDSAND JIMMY DURANTE COMESIN -
'IT'S SO IMPORTANTTO MAKESOMEONE HAPPY'
DANIEL
Though you know, Sammy, I'm sure she's
unique and extraordinary - but general
wisdom is that, in the end, there isn't
just one girl for each of us.
SAM
There was for Meg and Tom. There was for
10~, 1.'n~te is f.ot me. She's the one.
{CO'NTI.NUED)
 Page74
100 CONTINUED: 100

HE LIFTS HIS FINGERIN A DISTINCTIVE 'ONE' MOVEMENT.

DANIEL
Fair point ..• But her name's Joanna?
SAM
Yup. Same as Mum, Spooky.
DANIEL
Well then, in one way, we're in luck. At
least we have the godlike genius of Scott
Walker ...
SAM
Who's he?
DANIEL
Listen and learn.

101 Dr.r. LIVING ROOM. DANIEL' S BOUSE. NIGHT. 101

CUT TO THEMSITTING THERE, LISTENINGTO SCOTTSINGINGTHE

GLORIOUSLYMELANCHOLIC "JOANNA": DURINGTHE FIRST LINE, DANIEL
MIMESTHE LITTLE PIANO FLURRY- BUTTHENHE BEGINSTO JOIN IN
GENTLYSAYINGTHE WORDS- THENMELODRAMATICALLY MIMINGALONGTO
MIGHTYSCOTT. ANDSAMMIMESTHE DRUMSBEHIND.
SCOTTWALKER(V/0 SINGING)
Joanna.
I can't forget the one they call 'Joanna'
We owned the summer hand in hand - Joanna
And now she's always just a tear away...
Goodbye you, you long lost summer leaving
me behind you .•.•
102 Dff. BEATBllOWAIRPORT. DAY. 102

THE NEXTDAY- HEATHROW

AIRPORT:
CUT TO HEATHROW
AIRPORT. TONY& COLIN ARE JUST RUSHINGIN OUT
OF THE SAMERAIN.
TONY
You'll come back a broken man.
COLIN
Yeh, back broken - from too much sex.

COT ON - COLIN IS HEADINGTO CUSTOMS

- TONYIS BEHINDA BARRIER-
THEYSHOUTTHESE FINAL WORDS •••
(CONTINUED)
FINAi, .JONE 29/6/02
 Page75
102 CONTINUED: 102

TONY
You are on the road to disaster.
COLIN
No, I am on shag highway, heading west.
TONY
All American girls look exactly like Jabba
the Hutt.
COLIN
Farewell, failure! America - watch out!
Here comes Colin Frissell!
ANDHE'S GONE.TONYWALKSAWAY,SUDDENLYALONE- HE'S REALLY
GOINGTO MISS COLIN- DOESN'TKNOW
QUITEWHATTO 00 WITH
HIMSELF
...
103 INT. n?RTRAl)B OFJ'ICB. DAY. 103

NEXTDAY. A SLIGHTLYPOST-PARTY
MOOD.HARRY& MELIN HIS OFFICE.
HARRY
Right. I'll be back at 3 - Christmas
shopping - never an easy or a pleasant
task.
HE HEADSOUT- BUT JUST BEFOREHE'S GONE
..
MEL
You going to get me something?
HARRY
1\lun - I don't know - I hadn't thought.
THERE'SA NEWSEXUALTENSIONBETWEEN
THEM.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Where's Sarah, by the way?
HERNEARBYDESKWITHTHATPHOTOON IT, IS EMPTY.
MEL
She couldn't make it in today. A family
thing.
HARRY
There's a word for hangover I've not heard
before. See you later.
MEL
Yes. Look forward to it. A lot.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL .JUNE l 9/6/02
 . Paga76
103 CONTINUED: 103

ANDHE HEADSOUT, ALL PERPLEXED

BY HOWHE'S FEELING.
104 INT. HOSPITAL. DAY. 104
CUT TO SARAHANDHER BROTHER
MICHAEL.IN A HIGH SECURITY
HOSPITALWARD.VERYBARE.A LONELYROOM.
HE IS A TERRIBLEVERSIONOF THE YOONG
MANWE SAWIN THE PHOTOON
HER DESK. GHOSTLY,PALE, WITHDIRTYHAIR - A DIFFERENTWEIGHT,
EITHER THINNEROR FATTER.
THEYARE JUST SITTING OPPOSITEEACHOTHER. PAUSE. HE JUST LOOKS
AT HER.
SARAH
Have you been watching stuff on tv.
MICHAEL
No.
SARAH
o.
MICHAEL
Yes. Every night.
SARAH
O good.
MICHAEL
They're trying to kill me.
SARAH
They're not trying to kill you, babe.
PAUSE. HE SLOWLYLIFTS HIS HANDTO HIT HER. A MALENURSEMOVES
TO PROTECTHER. SARAHTAKESTHE RAISEDHANDANDSAYS, VERY
GENTLY•••
SARAH (CONT
I
D)
Don't do that, my darling.
105 EX'l'. LONDON STRBB'l'. DAY 105

COT TO HARRYWALKINGDOWNTHE STREET- IT'S ALL HUGELY

CHRISTMASSYNOW- TREES ANDLIGHTS EVERYWHERE.
HE TAKESOUTHIS
MOBILEPHONEANDSPEED DIALS.
HARRY
So - are~ going to get me.something?

(CONTINUED)
FINAL .JUNE 29/6/02
 Pagan
105 CONTINUED: 105

MEL
I thought I'd made it clear last night.
When it comes to me, you can have
everything.
SLIGHTLYSHOCKED,HE PASSESMARK'SGALLERY
106 IN'l'. ~IJ,EP.Y./PETER'S OFFICE / JUI.IET'S OFFICE. DAY.. 106

WEMOVEIN TO THE SHOP- MARKIS ALSOON THE PHONE- TWO

SCHOOLGIRLS
GIGGLEIN THE BACKGROUND,
INSPECTINGTHE PHOTOS.
MARK
(TO THE GIRLS) Actually they're not funny -
they're art. (ON THE PHONE)Okay - let's
say Thursday at my place.
CUT TO PETERIN HIS OFFICE, ON THE PHONE.
PETER
Can't wait - we have exciting pictures of
sharks -
CUTTO PETERIN HIS OFFICE, ON THE PHONE.
PETER (CONT'D)
- but for now, I've got Juliet on the line
- can I patch you through - she wants to
ask you a little favour.
MARK SIGHS. NOTHAPPY
MARK
Okay - fine.
PETER
Thanks. And be nice.
MARK
I'm always nice.
PETER
You know what I mean, Marky. Try to be
friendly.
MARK
I'm always ...
FUNNYCLICKINGSOUND.THEN...
JULIET
Mark.

(CONTINUED)
F:nlll ,JUNE 19/6/02
 Page78
106 CONTINUED: 106

MARK
Hi. (DUTIFULLY)How was the honeymoon?
JOLIET
It was great. And thanks f~r the gorgeous
send-off.
SHE IS MAKINGTHE CALL FROMHER OFFICE. PAUSE.
MARK
So what can I do for you?
JULIET
It's only a tiny favour. I've ju~t tried
the wedding video and it's a disaster -
it's come out all blue and wibbly.
MARK
I'm sorry.
JULIET
And I remember you filming a lot on the day
- and I just wondered if I could look at
your stuff.
MARK
Ono - look - to be honest, I didn't
really ••.
WHILEHE IS TALKINGMOREANDMORESCHOOLGIRLSCOME IN. IT'S LIKE
THE BIRDS IN 'THE BIRDS' EVERYTIME WE CUT ROUND,THEREARE 10
MORETHERE.
JULIET
Please. All I want is just one shot of me
in a wedding dress that isn't turquoise.
You must at least have 10 seconds of that.
PAUSE. THE PLACE IS NOWREALLYPACKEDWITH 50 GIGGLING,
UNIFORMEDSCHOOLGIRLS.
MARK
Okay - I'll have a look - but to be honest
I think I might have wiped it, so don't get
any hopes up. Must go. (HE HANGSOP. NOT
HAPPY. ADDRESSESTHE GIRLS) Okay - very
funny. Unless you have £3,000 and are
willing to waste it on total pornography,
get out now...
10'7 EX'J!. MllN S'l'RBBT. DAY. 107
BACKTO HARRYNOWON A BIG MAINSTREET, ON HIS MOBILE.
(CONTINUED)
FINA!, .JUNE 19/6/02
 Page79
107 CONTINUED: 107

HARRY
So - ahm - what do you need - something
along the stationery line - are you short
of staplers?
MEL
No, I want something I don't need. I want
something I want. Something pretty.
HARRY
Right. Right ..•.
HE CLOSESHIS PHONE- DISTURBEDBY THIS EXCHANGE.THENSPOTS
KARENIN THE CROWDANDWAVES.
KAREN
Sorry I'm late - had to drop Bernie off for
rehearsal.
HARRY
Is he still traumatised by not being a
crustacean?
KAREN
He says only total mingers believe in
angels. Quite right. Clever child.
THEY HEAD INTO THE BIG STORE- SELFRIDGE$AS IT WERE
...
108 Dn. DEPAR'l'MBN'.rSTORE. DAY. 108

KAREN
Keep yourself occupied for 10 minutes while
I do the boring stuff for our mothers.
SHE KISSES HIM ANDHEADSOFF. HE QUICKLYLOOKSAROUND - ANDSEES
THE JEWELLERY SECTION. PAUSES- ANDHEADSFOR IT FAST. REACHESA
COUNTER.SEES EXACTLYWHATHE WANTS.THERE'S A QUEUE.DAMN.THEN
SUDDENLY,A NEWVOICE...
ASSISTANT- RUFUS.
Looking for anything in particular, sir?
HE IS A VERYPARTICULAR
LOOKINGMAN,VERYACCURATE,SLIGHTLY
CAMP,WITHA VERYPARTICULARTIE.
HARRY
Yes •.• Ahm. That necklace there ... how much
is it?
RUFUS
It's £370.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JONE 19/~/02
 Page80
108 CONTINUED: 108

HARRY
Wow. (THIS IS A MORALAS WELLAS FINANCIAL
DECISION} Okay. I'll have it. Thanks.
IT IS A BEAUTIFUL, DELICATEGOLDHEARTNECKLACE.
RUFUS
Do you want it gift-wrapped?
HARRY
Yes, why not.
RUFUS.
Indeed.
HE TAKESTHE NECKLACEOUT- ANOPOTS IT DOWNON A LITTLE BLUE
PAD. THENTURNS, OPENSA DRAWER,ANDTAKESOUT A LITTLE BOX.
RUFUS
There we go. Just pop this in here ...
PUTS THE NECKLACEON IT - PLACINGIT TENDERLY- RE-ORGANISINGIT
A BIT. THENGETS THE TOP OF THE BOXANDPOTS IT ON.
HARRY
Excellent.
RUFUS.
Not quite finished.
THIS MAKESHARRYA LITTLE TENSE. RUFUSDOESN'T NOTICE- BOT GOES
OVERTO A VARIETYOF RIBBONS.
RUFUS
Blue or burgundy?
HARRY
Ahm, blue, will be fine. Look, if we could
be quite quick.
RUFUS
Certainly, sir. Ready in the flashiest of
flashes.
IN A VERYTRAINEDMANNERHE COTS TWOFEET OF THE RIBBON- WRAPS
IT ROUNDTHE BOX- THENWRAPSIT ROUNDAGAIN. THENTIES IT.
HARRY
That's great.
RUFUS
Thank you, sir - we try to make things
beautiful.
(CONTINUED)
FINAL ~UNB 19/6/02
 Page81
108 CONTINUED:(2) 108

HARRY
Well, yes, you certainly do.
RUFUSTAKESOUT SOMESCISSORSANDPULLS THE RIBBONTO CURLIT.
HARRYVERYTENSENOW,BUT IT'S THE FINAL FLOURISH.
HARRY (CONT'0)
That's great.
RUFUSTURNSANDOPENSANOTHER
DRAWER
- ANDTAKESOUTA SEE-
THROUGHCELLOPHANE
BAG
HARRY (CONT'D)
O Jesus. Actually, I don't need a bag - I
can just put it in my pocket.
RUFUS
This isn't a bag, sir.
HARRY
Really?
RUFUS
No, sir - this is so much more than a bag.
HE OPENSTHE BAG, TURNS, ANDOPENSANOTHER DRAWER,ANDTAKESOUT
LITTLE DRIED ROSES- ANDTHENSOMELAVENDER - ANDSPRINKLESTHEM
IN THE BAG. HARRYLOOKSAT HIS WATCH - ANDSTARTSTO LOOK
WORRIEDLYAT PEOPLECOMINGDOWN THE LIFT.
HARRY
Could we be quick •.. please.
RUFUS
Certainly, sir. Prontissimo.
ANDAT THATMOMENT
HIS MOBILERINGS. HARRYGETTINGVERY
EXASPERATED
NOW.
Just a moment, please, sir. (HE ANSWERS)
Hello-o. O hello, Gabriel - yes, I'm sure
it is, but I'm afraid I'll have to call you
back. Bye now. (TO HARRY)Sorry, sir. Now,
just ..••
RUFUSTWISTSTHE TOP OF THE BAG. THENHE TURNSAROUND
ANDOPENS
ANOTHERDRAWER- ANDTAKESOUTA FOURINCH STICK OF CINNAMON
..
HARRY
What's that?
RUFUS
It's a cinnamon stick, sir.
(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page82
108 CONTINUED: (3) 108

HARRY
Actually, I really can't wait.
RUFUS
You won't regret it, sir.
HARRY
Want a bet
LOOK;ING
ROUNDMOREFRANTICALLY
...
RUFUS
'Tis but the work of a second.
STICK AND TIES IT ON.
HE TWISTS THE CINNAMON
(CONT
RUFUS I
O)
There we go. Almost finished.
HARRY
Almost finished? What else can there be -
are you going to dip it in yoghurt and
cover it with chocolate buttons?
RUFUS
No, sir. Just pop it in this Christmas box.
HARRY
But I don't WANTa Christmas box.
RUFUS
But you said you wanted it gift-wrapped.
HARRY
I did - but •••
RUFUS
This is the final flourish, sir ..•
HARRY
O God. Can I just pay?
HE IS LOOKING
DESPERATELY
ROUND
...
RUFUS
Certainly, sir - let's just pop it in here
- and then just attach a little sprig of
holly ..

HARRY
NO! No!! NO BLOODYHOLLY!0 God - leave it
- leave it.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL ,JUNE 19/6/02
 Page83
108 CONTINUED:(4) 108

BECAUSESUREENOUGH,KARENIS RIGHT THERE. HARRYBOUNCESAWAY

FROMTHE COUNTER
KAREN
Sorry I'm late .. Hanging round the
jewellery section, eh.
HARRY
No, just happened to .••
KAREN
Don't panic - my expectations are not that
high after 13 years, Mr But-You-Always-Love-
Scarves... ·
HARRYSMILES. ANDAS THEYWALKOUTOF THE STORE, RUFUSLOOKS
AFTERTHEMANDWIPES HIS BROWS.
RUFUS
That was close.
HE TURNSANDJUST CASUALLY
DISAPPEARS.HE'S A PROTECTING
ANGEL.
109 EX'l. MJUN S'D\BBT. DAY. 109
KAREN & HARRYHIT THE VERYCHRISTMASSY STREET- AND PASS JAMIE,
NOWBACKFROMFRANCE,OF COURSE.HE IS LOOKING UP FOR AN
ADDRESS,OR SIGN - ANDFINDS IT - WE SEE HIM ENTERA DOOR
LEADINGOP TO A RATHERTACKY OUTFIT - "BEDFORDSCHOOLOF
LANGUAGES'.HE PUSHESPAST A FATHERCHRISTMASAS HE HEADSIN.
110 INT. i'ILM STUDIO/MODERN
FLAT. DAY. 110

BACKAT THE STUDIOWITH JUDYANDJOHN. THEYARE BACKIN THE

MODERN FLAT, ON A GREYLEATHERSOFA.

DIRECTOR
And final position.
SHE IS ON ALL FOURS- HE'S BEHINDHER.
.. THE D.O.P. CASUALLY
STANDINGBEHINDTHE PAIR OF THEM.
JUDY
I'm really starting to panic about
Christmas now - do kids still like Noddy?
JOHN
Course they do. I'm stuck on my 6 year old
nephew - what do you think about a rocking
horse?
JUDY
Wonder what made you think of that •• ?
(CONTINUED)
FZNAL vUNE 19/6/02
 Page84
110 CONTINUED: 110

HE LAUGHS.SO DOES SHE. HE LAUGHSEVENMORE- IT'S TURNINGINTO

GIGGLES. THE DIRECTORWHISPERSSOMETHING
TO TONY
TONY
Come on, guys, keep it together -
concentrate. We're almost out of time.
JUDY
Sorry.
THEYBEGIN TO MIMEAGAINWITH COMMITMENT.
JOHN
Look, Judy, you wouldn't possibly
consider •.•
JTJDY
What?
TONY
(INTERRUPTING)Okay, that's it. Coats on
the stand-ins. Get ready for the actors.
JUDY
What were you •.. ?

JOHN
o nothing, nothing ••.
111 :INT. LANGUAGE SCHOOL. MAIN S!rl\EE'l'. DAY. 111

CUT TO A HUGE, NEONLIT ROOM.IT'S FULL OF PEOPLE AT FORMICA

DESKSLISTENING TO TAPES, WITH BIG EARPHONES- WE OVERHEARSOME
OF THE TAPES, ALL SPOKENIN VERYPEDANTICENGLISH, AS WE PAN
ACROSS5 PEOPLELEARNINGENGLISH, FROMEVERYCORNEROF THE
WORLD.THE SIXTH PERSONIS JAMIE, CONSCIENTIOUSLY TAKINGNOTES -
AND IT'S NOT ENGLISHHE'S LEARNING.IT'S PORTUGUESE.
PORTUGUESE VOICE
Do you have this menu in English? O dear •.
I have a stomach ache - I think it was the
prawns.
112 :tN'l. MJ\RK'S FLAT. DAY. 112
MARKIS AT HOME.HE IS WATCHINGTHE TELLY. THE DOORBELL GOES. HE
HEADSDOWNSTAIRS,OPENS THE DOOR. IT'S JULIET, CLEARLYJUST
HAVINGBEENTO STARBUCKS.
JULIET
Banofee pie?

(CONTINUED)
FXNAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page85
112 CONTINUED: 112

MARK
No, thanks.
JULIET
Thank God. I buy one slice every Saturday -
just one, never two - would have broken my
heart if you'd said 'yes'.
MARK
O right. Well, lucky you.
JULIET
Can I come in?
MARK
Ah - yeh - I'm actually a bit busy but •••
THEYHEADUPSTAIRS. HE SWITCHESOFF THE TELLY. SATURDAY
MORNING
KIDS TV.
JULIET
I was just passing and thought we might
check that video thing. I thought I might
be able to swap it for the pie, or •.•
(PRODUCINGTHEMFROMHER POCKET)Wine Gums.
MARK
Actually I was being serious - I don't know
where it is. I'll have a poke around
tonight, and then maybe •••
JULIET
Mark - can I say something ....
MARK
(NOT V. INTERESTED)Yes...
JULIET
I know Peter's your best friend. And I know
you've never particularly warmed to me. (HE
DEMURS)Don't argue. We've never got ...
friendly. BUT I just want to say - I hope
it can change. I'm nice - I really am.
Apart from my terrible taste in shoes. It
would be good if we could be friends.
MARK
(A BIT COLDLY)Absolutely. Absolutely.
JULIET
Great ....

(CONTINUED)
FINAL .JVNB l 9/6/02
 Page86
112 CONTINUED:(2) 112

SHE'S A LITTLE HURTHOWLITTLE HE HASGIVENBACK- BOT IT JOST

SUMS UP HOWLITTLE HE LIKES HER. SO SHE HEADS ON AGAIN
...
MARK
Doesn't mean we'll be able to find the
video though. I had a real search when you
first called and couldn't find any trace of
it, so .••
JOLIET
There's one here says 'Juliet and Peter's
Wedding' - do you think we might be on the
right trail?
MARK
Ah - yes - well - wow - that could be it.
JULIET
Well, just finish this (THE SLICE OF PIE)
yum - then do you mind if I just .••
(SHE MOVESTOWARDS THE TELLY)
MARK
As I say though, I've probably taped over
it ... almost everything has episodes of
West Wing on it now••. Why don't I ..•
CUTTO TAPE GOINGINTO THE VIDEO. SHE SITS - HE STANDS. IT
STARTSWITHA SHOTOF HER COMINGDOWN THE AISLE.
JOLIET
0 bingo - that's lovely. Well done you!
Hurray.
ANOA SHOTOF HER DURING THE PRIESTLY STUFF...
JULIET (CONT'D)
That's gorgeous. Mark, this is just what I
was hoping for. Thank you so much.
HE PULLSA RESIGNED, "WELL, I'M GLADI COULDHELP" FACE
...
BACKTO THE TAPE - OUTSIDETHE CHURCH
- CLOSE-UPSOF HER..
JULIET (CONT'D)
You've stayed rather close, haven't you ....
SHE LOOKSROUND.MARKNOWHAS HIS HANDSOVERHIS NOSE- YOUCAN
JUST SEE HIS EYES. HE'S LOOKINGAT HER. THE MUSICOF OURFILM
STARTSTO TAKEOVERFROMNATURAL SOUND•••

(CONTINUED)
E'1NAL JUNE l 9/6/02
 Page87
112 CONTINUED:(3) 112

CUTTO HUSBAND PETER'S SPEECH- BUTTHE CAMERA INSTANTLYMOVES

TO JULIET'S DIVINE LAUGHING,BLUSHINGFACE
... ALL THE TIME.
THERE'S NO ONEELSE IN THIS VIDEO.
THENCOTTO JULIET DURINGTHATFIRST DANCEWEGLIMPSED- JOST
HER FACE- PETER'S NOSEJOST COMINGINTO FRAMEMOMENTARILY
ONCE
IN A WHILE.
ANDTHENTHE END OF THE DAY, JOLIET DRESSEDIN GOINGAWAY
CLOTHES,WAVING,WAVING GOODBYE. THE MOVIEMUSICHAS GROWN
DURINGTHIS...
THE TAPECOMESTO AN END- TURNSINTO A FLICKER- SHE LOOKSAT
HIM- HE LOOKSAT HER.
JOLIET (CONT'D)
They're all shots of me.
MARK
Yeh. Yeh. Yes....
l?AUSE
JOLIET
But you never talk to me - you always talk.
to Peter. You don't like me.
PAUSE. NOTHINGIMPATIENTHERE- HE JUST CAN'T GO THERE.
MARK
Hope it's useful. Don't show it around too
much. Look, I've got to get to a .•. lunch.
Early lunch. You can just show yourself
out, can't you. (HE HEADSTOWARDS THE DOOR-
THENTURNS) It's a self-preservation thing,
you see.

113 EX'l'. MARK'SJ"Ua./STREET. DAY. 113

CUT TO OUTSIDETHE HOOSE- MARKWALKS

AWAY- SADMUSICPLAYS-
AFTER7 STEPS HE HESITATESANDSLOWLY
TURNS- TAKESTWOSTEPS
BACKTO THE HOOSE- THENTURNSAGAINANDHEADSAWAY.
HE PASSESA PRETTYSAD SAM,WALKING ALONGTHE STREET. THE CAMERA
STAYSWITH SAM. HE STOPSOUTSIDEA MUSICSTORE. A VIDEOIS
PLAYING.
THE VIDEOOF BILLY'S POP SONGIN WHICHHE IS SINGING- ANDGIRL
FANSARE SWAYING,DRESSEDAS SANTA'SSEXYHELPERS,HOLDING UP
LIGHTERSANDSCREAMING ADMIRINGLY.

(CONTINUED)
FZllAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page88
113 CONTINUED: 113

A THOUGHT
GOESTHROUGH
SAM'S MIND - HE TURNSANDRUNS.

114 INT. DANIEL'S OFFICE. DAY. 114

DANIELIS THERE. SAMBURSTSIN WEARINGSCHOOLUNIFORM.

SAM
I've got a plan.
DANIEL
Thank.the lord.
SAM
Girls love musicians, don't they? Even the
really weird-looking ones get girlfriends.
DANIEL
That's right. Lionel Ritchie's never spent
a night alone.
SAM
Whatever, there's this big concert at the
end of term - and she's in it - and·I
thought maybe if I was in the band and
played absolutely superbly, then there's a
. chance that she might actually fall in love
with me. What do you think?
DANIEL
I think it's brilliant. I think it's
stellar. Apart from the one obvious, tiny
little, baby little hiccough ...
SAM
That I don't play a musical instrument.
DANIEL
Yup.
SAM
A tiny insignificant detail. Watch this
space, Mr No Imagination ..
DANIEL LOOKSA BIT WORRIED.
115 IN'f. DANlBL' S BOUR. CORRIDOR.EVE. 115
LOUD, LOUDNOISE OF DRUMMING.DANIEL, ALL PAJAMA-EDUP, VERY
LATE AT NIGHT, WALKSPAST SAM'S ROOM- FROMINSIDE WHICHCOMES
THE SOUNDOF TOTALLYOBSESSIVE, REPETITIVE DRUMMING.

(CONTINUED)
E'INAL .1utlB 29/6/02
 Page89
115 CONTINUED: 115

THE DRUMMING
CONTINUES- ANDFORMSTHE BASIS OF THE MUSICOVERA
SHORTMONTAGETHATSEES US GETTINGCLOSERANDCLOSERTO
CHRISTMAS.
116 EXT. VAilIOOS LONDONSIDS. NJ:GB'l'. 116

CHRISTMASTREES BEING PUT UP LEFT, RIGHT ANDCENTRE. IN WINDOWS,

OUTSIDESTORES, IN THE WINDOW OF 10 DOWNINGSTREET, IN TRAFALGAR
SQUARE.
117 Im. FAIR'llU\DEOFFXCE.NIGe. 117
SARAHPUTTINGUP A LITTLE TREE ON HER OFFICE DESK- THE CAMERA
MOVESSLIGHTLYDELIBERATELY OVERTHE BIG, SAD AFRICANPICTURE
BEHINDHER.
118 Dt'l. Al\RrVALS GATE. AIRPOll'l'. WJ:SCONSIN. DAY. 118

ANDTHE FINAL CHRISTMASTREE IS BEING PUT UP IN THE AIRPORTOF

MADISON,WISCONSIN.MOCHFLURRYANDTHENTHERE'S COLIN.
RADIOVOICE
And it's Christmas week on KWNS
Wisconsin .•• and here's one for the old
folk - apparently bulleting up the charts
in the old UK - isn't that quaint - it's
good old Billy Mann - from heroin to
hero •..
119 EX'r/Dl'l. CAB: MADISON AIBPOllT / MAD:I:SONSTRBB'l'S. DAY. 119

COLIN GETS INTO A CAB-

COLIN
Take me to a bar.
TAXI DRIVER
What kind of bar?
COLIN
Just any bar - just your average American
bar.
TAXI DRIVER
So, nothing too classy.
COLIN
Nope - any old bar anywhere.
TAXI DRIVER
You from England?

(CONTINUED)
FDIAL JUNE 29/6/02 '
 Page90
119 CONTINUED: 119

COLIN
Yes~ but don't get fresh.
AS HE DRIVES, HE PASSES HOUSEAFTERHOOSEWITH GORGEOUSLY TACKY
CHRISTMASNEONS, SANTAON THE LAWN,RODOLPH ON THE ROOF, .
"SEASONSGREETINGS"EVERYWHERE. FINALLY, THOUGH,THEYPOLL OP
OUTSIDEA REALLYORDINARYDAGGYBAR.
COLIN (CONT'D)
Excellent.
120 Dt'r. BM.. WISCONSIN. DAY. 120

HE HEADSIN - THERE'S NOTMUCHGOINGON - HE GOES TO THE BAR.

BARMAN
Can I help you?
COLIN
Yes - I'd like a Budweiser thank you.
BARMAN
One Bud coming up.
A VOICE FROMOFF.
GIRL 1 (V/0)
You from England?
HE TURNSANDSEES AN EXQUISITE GIRL. JUST IMAGINEYOURFAVOURITE
BEAUTIFULFEMALEAMERICANSTARS••.•
COLIN
Yes. I am from ••• Basildon.
INCREDIBLYFAMOUS GIRL
Cute. (SHE CALLSOUT...) Jeannie!
OUT OF THE SHADOWS
COMESHER BEST FRIEND. IT'S ANOTHER
STARTLINGLY FAMOUS
ACTRESS.
STARTLINGLY
FAMOUS
GIRL
Yeh.

.
This is ....
INCREDIBLYFAMOUS
GIRL

COLIN
Colin ••. Frissell.
INCREDIBLYFAMOUS
GIRL
This is Colin.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNS 19/6/02
 Page91
120 CONTINUED: 120

STARTLINGLY GIRL
FAMOUS
Cute name. I'm Jeannie.
INCREDIBLYFAMOUS
GIRL
He's from England.
COLIN
Yup.
STARTLINGLY FAMOUS GIRL
Wait till Carol Anne gets here - she's
crazy about English guys.
THE DOOROPENS. ENTERA THIRD LEGEND.
STARTLINGLY FAMOUS GIRL (CONT'D)
Hey, Carol Anne - this is Colin, he's from
England.
THIRD LEGEND.
Make way, girls - this is my round. Hello,
gorgeous.
COLIN HAS AN INSANELYHUGEGRIN ON HIS FACE. SOMEONE PUTS A
CHEERFULCHRISTMASSY SONGON THE JUKEBOX- IT BUBBLESUP THROUGH
THE NEXTSCENES WITHTHE SAMEDRUMBEATTHATSAMIS
... APPARENTLY
PRACTICING.
121 INT. DANIEL'S BOUSB. CODIDOR. EV:&. 121
DANIELSTOPS AT THE DOOROF SAM'S ROOM,STILL DRUMMING.
HE·
WINCES.
122 tlff. BARER'
S BOUSE. NXGB'?. 122

KARENIS COMINGIN, WHIPPINGOFF HARRY'SCOAT..•

KAREN
Explain to me again why you're so late?
HARRY
O for heaven's sake, woman - can't a man
have any secrets?
KAREN
Well, hurry up, we've been waiting for
hours. It's the first ever preview.
SHE PICKS UP HIS COATANDGOESTO HANGIT - IN THE POCKETSHE
FEELS SOMETHING - ANDTAKESIT OUT - IT IS A SMALLFLAT BOX-
SHE OPENSIT - IT HAS A DELICATEHEARTNECKLACE IN IT. SHE
SMILES ANDPUTS IT BACK. THENHEADSINTO THE LIVING ROOM -
WHEREA NOWTOTALBODY-SUITLOBSTERANDVERYHIP ANGELAWAIT.
(CONTINUED)
FINAL .JUN£ 19/6/02
 Page92
122 CONTINUED: 122

KAREN(CONT'D)
Right - "It was a stormy night in ancient
Jerusalem, when a large pink lobster
approached an inn ... "
123 INT. 'ONDERGROOND
TRAIN. DAY. 123

AN UNDERGROUNDTRAIN - PANALONGA GROUPOF HIP PEOPLE- THEY'RE

ALL WEARINGWALKMANS, OR I-TUNES - THEYMUMBLELITTLE BITS OF
TUNE- THEYBOBTHEIR HEADS, THEYWEARHOODSANDSWEAT-SHIRTS.
THE FOURTHPERSONIN LINE IS JAMIE, MUCHMORETRADITIONALLY
DRESSED.HE TOO IS LISTENINGTO HEAD-PHONES - BUT WHILETHE
OTHERSSING ANDDANCE- HE IS TALKING- TRYINGTO ACT
CONVINCINGLY,EVENIF NOT SOUNDING VERYPORTUGUESE
...
JAMIE
Boa noite. Boa noite! BOANOITE!!
HE'S ALSOGOTA LOT OF CHRISTMAS
PRESENTBAGSIN FRONTOF HIM -
THIS IS CLEARLYSOMEONEWHOTAKESCHRISTMASSERIOUSLY.
124 IN'?. 10 DOWNING S'l'RD~. STAXRCASE, CORR:mOR, DBAWDTGROOM. 124
NIGHT.
THE ENDOF A LONGDAY- THE PM IS LOOKINGTIRED AS HE WANDERS
THROUGHDOWNING STREET. ALL XMAS-DECKEDUP FOR NOBODY.A SINGLE
MANIN A BIG HOUSE. HE HEADSUPSTAIRS, ANDALONGA CORRIDOR.HE
FINALLYSETTLESDOWNIN FRONTOF THE TV, PARKEDNEARA COUCHIN
THE CORNEROF A TOO BIG ROOM. PAPERSIN FRONTOF HIM, HE TURNS
THE TELLYON - IT'S BILLY MANNON PARKINSON.
125 INT. P~SON STtJDlO. NJ:GBT. 125

PARKY
Well, this must be a very exciting moment
for you - fighting for the Christmas Number
1. How is it looking so far?
BILLY
Very bad indeed. Westlife are outselling me
five to one. But I'm hoping for a last
minute surge. And in fact, if I do reach
the top, I promise that I'll sing the song
stark naked on tv on Christmas Eve.
PARKY
Do you mean that?
BILLY
Course I mean it, Michael. Want a preview,
you old flirt?

(CONTINUED)
l'I'NA£ JUNE 19/6/02
 Page93
125 CONTINUED: 125

- HE GOESTO UNBUTTON
TOO...
HIS TROUSERS.PARKYLAUGHS.THE PM LAUGHS

126 Dl'l. DAY.

FILM STODIO/BATBROOM. 126

JOHNAND JUDY IN A SMARTBATHROOM....

SHE IS MIMINGA BLOW-JOB.
LIGHTINGMAN STILL CLOSE, FITTINGA TINY NEWLIGHT.
TONY
Excellent. Excellent. Perfect. Hold it
there.
JOHN
Look, ahm•.. sorry to be a bit forward, but
you wouldn't fancy a Christmas drink, would
you - I mean, nothing, you know, nothing
implied - maybe see something Christmassy
or something .•• - you know - I mean, you
obviously don't have to if you don't ...
JUDY
No, that'd be lovely.
JOHN
o great.
ANDCUT ON TO THE NEXTPOSITION. SHE SITS ON HIS FACE.
JOHN (CONT'D)
That is really great. NoJ:mally I'm a bit
shy about this sort of thing - takes me
ages to get the courage up - so thank you -
that's, well, great.
JODY
Well, no - thanks for asking. I'm pretty
shy too - if a bloke doesn't make the first
move - no move will ever be made...•.
JOHN
I know what you mean...
TONY
And if you could just lean back for the
orgasm now please, Judy.
12'7 Dt'l. BAR. WJ:SCONS:tN. NIGB'l. 12'7

CUT BACKTO 1-\MERICA

ANDCOLIN'S BAR. IT IS NOWLATE AT NIGHT.
A CHRISTMASSONGPLAYSON THE JUKEBOX.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUIIB 19/6/02
 Page94
127 CONTINUED: 127

COLIN
Well, it's pretty late - I suppose I better
be going ...

THIRD LEGEND
Shame - where are you staying?
COLIN
Ahin, I don't actually know - guess I'll
just 'check into a motel' like they do in
the movies ..•
INCREDIBLYFAMOUS
GIRL
That is so cute.
STARTLINGLY FAMOUS
GIRL
Look, I know this is a bit pushy and we've
only just met - but why don't you come back
and sleep at our place ...?
COLIN
Ahin••• Well, I mean, you know - if it's not
too much of an inconvenience •••
THIRD LEGEND
Hell, no, it'd be a pleasure. The only
problem is ....
COLIN
What?
THIRD LEGEND
Well ...
STARTLINGLY FAMOUS GIRL
The problem is we're not exactly the
richest of girls, so there's only one
little double bed, and no couch - so you'd
kind of have to share with the three of us ...
THIRD LEGEND
And on this hot, hot night, it might be
kind of crowded and sweaty, and stuff.
COLIN
No, no, I think it'd be fine.
THIRD LEGEND
And ..
COLIN
And what?

(CONTINUED)
Fl'NAl. .JUNE 19/6/02
 Page95
127 CONTINUED: (2) 127

THIRD LEGEND
Well, the thing that makes it even more of
a squish is - you haven't even met Harriet
yet.
COLIN
There's a fourth one?
INCREDIBLYFAMOUS GIRL
Yeh - you'll like her - she's the 'pretty
one' - (DOESINVERTEDCOMMAS WITH HER
FINGERS)

COLIN
Really? Wow. Praise the Lord.
128 IN'l'. DRAWING
ROON. 10 DOWNING
SnDT. NIGft. 128

THE PM'S POTTERINGAROUND A BIG ROOMIN A DRESSINGGOWNNOW,

STILL LEAFINGTHROUGH HIS BIG WORKPILE. HE COMES ACROSSA BUNCH
OF CHRISTMAS CARDS... WITHA NOTEFROM HIS SECRETARY ON A POST-IT
NOTE: 'Read these - a random sample.'
HE CONSIDERS IT, THENPUTS THEMASIDE ANDWORKSON.
129 IN'l'. KAREN'SBOOSE. LIVJ:NGROOM.NIGB'l'. 129

ANOTHERTREE. IT'S KAREN, IN A DRESSINGGOWNANDPUTTINGAN

EXTRAGIFT UNDERTHE TREE, LATE AT NIGHT. SHE COMESACROSSA
SQUAREPACKAGE,GIFT-WRAPPEDIN GOLD- SHE SMILES- IT TWINKLES
LIKE THE HOLYGRAIL.
THERE'S A CARD. SHE OPENSIT. HER HUSBAND'SHANDWRITING
"Sorry I'm such a grumpy bugger. Merry Christmas, darling. Xx
Bad Harry."
THE PACKAGEIS EXACTLY THE SIZE OF THE NECKLACE
CASE - INDEED,
SHE PUTS IT UP TO HER THROATANDSMILES.
130 INT • .:mMIE'S PARE'N'rS'BOUSE. NIGHT. 130
A DOOROPENS.
JAMIE'S SISTER
Look, everyone - it's Uncle Jamie.
JAMIE IS TOTALLYCOVEREDIN PRESENTS- HE'S BROUGHTHUNDREDS.
INSTANTLY8 FAMILYMEMBERS OF ALL AGES SURROUND
HIM. HUGE
EXCITEMENT.HE DUMPSALL THE PRESENTSANDGETS HOGGED.

(CONTINUED)
FINA£ JUNE 19/6/02
 Page96
130 CONTINUED: 130

JAMIE
Yes - splendid - lovely to see you all.
And.••• I'm off actually.
JAMIE'S MUM
Jamie?
JAMIE
Sorry - a man's gotta do.
HE TURNSTAIL AND LEAVES.

131 Ilft'. HOSPITAL. HIGHT. 131

SARAHIN THE WARDWITHHER BROTHER
AGAIN.
SARAH
Do you remember Dad and the Christmas
pudding?
MICHAEL
No.
SARAH
Every year Mumserved it up - said it was a
great English tradition. Every year he
never took a single bite.
HE JUST LOOKSAT HER. NOTHING.THEN
...
MICHAEL
You used to clear the table for the only
time during the whole year because the
Christmas Top of the Pops was on and you
could watch it in the kitchen.
SARAH
That's right. Couldn't wash up enough.
Washing up my absolute favourite activity
for one meal a year.
HE JUST LOOKSAT HER STONILY. THENA TINY SMILE.
SARAH ( CONT
' D)
I've just realised - Mumwas a terrible
cook, wasn't she?
MICHAEL
Yes. She was. Egg in a cup.
HE THINKS. LOOKSAT HER. ANOTHER
TINY SMILE.
(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNB 19/6/02
 Page97
131 CONTINUED: 131

MICHAEL(CONT'D)
How are you, Blondie?
SARAH
Great. Everything's great.
HE NODS.
MICHAEL
I'm in hell.
SARAH
I know you are. I know you are, babe.
SHE TAKESHIS HAND.
132 INT. MIIUt' S FLAT. NIGR'.r. 132
V. LATE TOO. MARK WATCHESTHE END OF THE MOVIEOF "WHITE
CHRISTMAS"ON THE TELEVISION- ALL THE LEADSDRESSEDIN RED ANO
WHITE, SINGING WHITECHRISTMAS,WITH THE REAL SNOWFALLING
BEHINDTHEM- ROSEMARY CLOONEY OPENSHER PRESENTBY THE BIG
CHRISTMASTREE AS BING CROSBYLOOKSON SMILING IN HIS CHRISTMAS
HAT. HE SWITCHESIT OFF.
MARK
Okay. Okay. Tape-recorder.
133 BX'l'. JMCXE'Sl'LA'l'. NIGB'.r. 133
CUT TO JAMIE, WITHA SMALLBAGANDA COATON - LEAVINGHIS FLAT
AND HEADINGOUT INTO THE ROADTO CATCHA TAXI.

JAMIE
Heathrow airport please.
134 EX'l'. FLA'.rIN WISCONSIN. NIGHT. 134

A LITTLE HOKEYAMERICANFLAT- SEXYMUSIC- ANO A WOMAN IS

SILHOUETTEDIN THE WINDOW,CLEARLYTAKINGOFF A TINY T-SHIRT -
THENTWOMOREGIRLS ENTERTHE SHADOW,ALSO STRIPPING DOWN.
BACKAT STREET-LEVEL,A GIRL WALKSUP TO THE FRONTDOOR- AND
LETS HERSELFIN. SHE HAS SHOULDER LENGTHCURLYHAIR ANDGORGEOUS
LEGS BELOWHER MICRO-SKIRT. SHE SHOOTSUP - IN A VOICE THAT IS
ALMOSTFAMILIAR ..
GIRL 4 / HARRIET
Hi girls - I'm home.

FINAL .JONE 19/6/02

 Page98

135 INT. DANIEL'S HOUSE. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT. 135

SAMANDDANIELWATCHING THE GREATBIG ENDOF OFFICER & A

GENTLEMAN,
AS HE SWEEPSHERUP ANDCARRIESHERTHROUGH THE
FACTORY
TO THE SOUNDOF 'UP WHEREWEBELONG'.
DANIEL
That's very much the kind of thing you
should do. Has she noticed you yet?
SAM
No - you know the score in romances -
people only get together right at the very
end •••
DANIEL
Of course.
SAM
By the way - I feel bad I never ask you how
your love life's going.
DANIEL
Ha! No. As you know, that was a done deal
long ago. Unless Nicole Kidman calls, of
course ••• in which case I want you out of
this house straight away, you little
motherless mongrel.
136 EXT. LONDONSIC!LINE. EVE. 136

THE NEXT DAY- 6.50 PM. THE CAMERAMOVESACROSSLONDON- A RADIO

1 DJ IS BROADCASTINGTO THE NATION
•.•
RADIO1 DJ
And it's a rainy Christmas Eve in London
Town - and the big question is - who is
number one - is it going to be Westlife, or
will it be the totally unexpected Christmas
sensation from Billy Mann?
Well, there's only two records to go in our
chart - and this is the first of them.
Number two at Christmas this year ... (LONG,
DRAMATIC,MILKYPAUSE) it, s. • . Westlif e ...
137 INT. RJ!:CcmDCOMPANYBOARDROQN:.
EVE. 137
THE ROOM,ONCEEMPTY, IS TOTALLYPACKEDWITHRECORDPEOPLE, ALL
GOINGBERSERK. 'YES, YES, YES' JOE STANDSNEARBILLY.
JOE
We are the champions!

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUN£ J 9/6/02
 Page99
137 CONTINUED: 137

BILLY
I am the Champion!
JOE
You are the champion!
A PHONEGOES. THE ROOMGOESSILENT. BILLY ANSWERS.
RADIO·l DJ
Billy ...
BILLY
Hello.
RADIO1 DJ
We're live across the nation and you're
number one. How do you feel?
BILLY
Well, as you know - I'm an enormous fan of
Westlife and the thought-of those young
chaps not getting to number 1, well, it's a
real heartbreaker.
RADIO1 DJ.
And your real reaction, Bill?
BILLY
Fuck 'em. I'm the king.
JOE LEAPS IN THE AIR.
JOE
HE'S THE KING!
ANDTHENBACKSAWAYIN EMBARRASSMENT.
RADIO1 DJ
And how will you be celebrating?
BILLY
I don't know - either I could behave like a
rock and roll loser and get drunk with my
fat manager - or when I hang up, I'll get
flooded by invitations to a large number of
glamorous parties.
RADIO1 DJ.·
Let's hope it's the latter. And here it is
- number one - from Billy Mann... It's
"Christmas is All Around".

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page100
137 CONTINUED:(2) 137

BILLY
0 Jesus - not that crap again! (HE HANGS
UP) How do you think I did?
JOE
You're the King of Kings. Not Jesus - you!
GINA STEPS FORWARD,
HOLDINGHER MOBILE.
GINA
Bill - it's for you.
BILLY TAKESTHE PHONE.
BILLY
Elton. Of course. Of course. Of course.
Send a very big car and I'll be there.
HE HANGSUP
BILLY (CONT'0)
It's going to be a very good Christmas.
JOE, A BIT LOST NOWIN THE CROWD
OF NEWFRIENDS, GRINS FROMEAR
TO EAR.
138 IN'l'. AIUU:VALSGAD. FRENCHAZRPOI\T. 138
CUT TO JAMIE COMINGTHROUGHA FRENCHAIRPORT- LOOKING
DETERMINED,NOT CARRYING BREAKSINTO A
ANY LUGGAGE.HE ACTUALLY
RUN FOR NO REASON.
139 :tNT. THE DRDXNG ROOM.10 DOWNING
STREET. EVE. 139
BACKTO THE PM - IT'S JUST AFTER7 PM ON CHRISTMASEVE. STILL SO
ALONE. HE SPOTS THE CHRISTMASCARDSAGAIN. IT'S RAININGANDDULL
ANDHE PICKS THEMUP CASUALLY.
FIRST A COUPLEOF BORINGONES- HE TURNSONE OVERTO READTHE
SIGNATURE,WHICHSTILL DOESN'T MAKESENSE UPSIDE DOWN.
THE THIRD ONE JOLTS HIM - IT IS FROMNATALIE. HE READSIT. IT
SAYS THIS •..•
NATALIE (V. O)
Dear Sir - Dear David - Merry Christmas
and I hope you have a very Happy New Year -
I'm very sorry about the thing that
happened. It was a very odd moment and I
apologise and feel like a fool.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page101
139 CONTINUED: 139
NATALIE (V.O) (CONT'D)
Particularly because (if you can't say it
at Christmas, when can you, eh?) - I'm
actually ever yours, with LOVE. KISS KISS
KISS - Your Natalie.
HE PAUSES. PUTS IT DOWN.RE-READSIT. THEN, AS MUSICSTARTSTO
PLAY, HE MAKESUP HIS MIND. HE LEAVESTHE DRAWINGROOM.
140 IN'l'. DOWNING S'lREE'r • STAIRCASB / CORRJDOR / INNER 140
LOBBY/ENTIWfCE
BALL. NIGHT.
HE RUNSRIGHTTHROUGH THE CORRIDOR - DOWNTHE STAIRCASE-
THROUGH THE EMPTYINNER LOBBYAND OUT TOWARDSTHE FRONTDOOR.
THERE'S A SECURITYPERSONTHERE.
PM
I need a car.
141 BX!I?. 10 DOWNING
STREB~. NIGHT. 141
CUT ON. HE GETS INTO THE CAR OUTSIDE DOWNING
STREET - A DARK,
WETNIGHT.
PM
Take me to Wandsworth. Harris Street.
142 EX'l'. TD ~BAMBS. NIGH~. 142
HIS BIG CAR SHOOTSACROSSBATTERSEA
BRIDGE. A POLICE CAR FOLLOWS
IT.
THE CAMERASWEEPSUP ANOOVERON TO THE NEXTBRIDGE, ANDTHERE,
CROSSINGIT, IS A HUGEWHITE, ELTONJOHNNYLIMOUSINE- WITH
BILLY INSIDE IT, DRINKINGCHAMPAGNE.
THENIT SWEEPSON TO THE NEXTBRIDGE, ANDTHERERUSHINGPAST IS
MARK,THE BEST MAN,IN HIS CAR.
..
143 IN'r. KAREN'S BOUSE. NIGB'l'. 143
CUT ON - CHRISTMAS IS REALLYIN SWINGNOW- IT'S PRESENT-OPENING
TIME AT KAREN'S. SHE TWINKLESIN HARRY'SDIRECTION.
KAREN
Now, just one present each tonight. Who's
got one for Daddy?
HARRY
Why don't you take one for yourself.
KAREN
Maybe I will. Perhaps I' 11 take this ...
IT'S HARRY'SPRESENT.SHE SMILESAS SHE STARTSTO UNWRAP IT.
(CONTINUED)
FINAL JON&19/6/02
 Page102
143 CONTINUED: 143

HARRY
I'm afraid there's only one this year. I
haven't exactly had a lot of time to go out
shopping.
KAREN
No - but what you had I'm sure you've used
well.
SHE OPENSIT SLOWLY.IT IS •.. A CD OF JONI MITCHELL.
KAREN (CONT'D)
Right. Right. Well, that's a surprise. Wow.
HARRY
Thought it might be up your street.
KAREN
Yes. Goodness. That's great.
HARRY
My passionate wife.
KAREN
Ha! Yes. If you don't mind I think I might
absent myself for a second. All that ice-
cream. Darling - could you just make sure
the kids are ready to go.
SHE MOVESSLOWLY
OUTOF THE ROOMWITHA SLIGHTLYGLAZEDSMILE. A
SLIGHTLYMYSTERIOUS
MUSICALSOUNDSTARTS
•••
144 INT/EXT. PM'S CAR. WANDSNORH S!'l\BBT. NIGll1l'. 144
THE PM & HIS CARS ARRIVEIN WANDSWORTH
& TURNINTO QUITE A SHORT
STREET.
DRIVER
What number, sir?
PM
There's a good question. I've got
absolutely no bloody idea. Damn. Damn. Alu'n...
0 hell.

14S UT. BARRIS STRBST. NIGH. 145

HARDCUT - HE STANDSAT THE DOOROF NUMBER
ONE, HARRIS STREET-
ANOKNOCKS.HE HAS WITHHIM A BODYGUARD,
WHOIS FIVE YARDSAWAY,
DISCREET. AN OLD LADYCOMES.
OUT.
PM
Hello. Does Natalie live here?
(CONTINUED)
l"INAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page103
145 CONTINUED: 145

OLD LADY
No.
PM
Right, fine. Thank you. Sorry to disturb.
OLDLADY
Aren't you the Prime Minister?
PM
Well, yes - in fact I am. Merry Christmas.
Part of the service now. I'm hoping to get
round everyone by New Year's Eve.
OLD LADY
O lovely.
CUT TO HIM RINGINGON THE NEXTDOOR.THE TWOCARSALWAYS
CRUISINGALONG,FOLLOWING HIM. A 6 YEAROLD GIRL ANSWERS
PM
Hello.
WANDSWORTH CHILD
Hello, are you singing carols?
PM
Ah, no, I'm not.
WANDSWORTH CHILD
0. (RATHERDEPRESSED)We haven't had a
single carol singer this year. Mumsaid
there'd be carol singers all the time.
TWOOTHERSAD LITTLE KIDS EDGEUP NEXTTO THEIR BROTHER
ANOLOOK
OUT DISAPPOINTED.
PM
Well, I mean, I suppose I could. Ahln.•• "Good
King Wenceslas looked out .... 11 (HE GESTURES
TOWARDS THE BODYGUARD, WHOJOINS IN
UNEASILY)" on the Feast of Stephen .... 11
CUT - THE PM KNOCKSON ANOTHER
DOOR.IT OPENS. THEREIS MEL. AND
ON HER NECK, THE NECKLACE.
PM (CONT'D)
Sorry to disturb - does Natalie live here?
MEL
I'm sorry, no - she's next door.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JVNS 19/6/02
 Page104
145 CONTINUED:(2) 145

PM
O brilliant.
MEL
You're not who I think you are, are you?
PM
Yes, 'fraid so. Sorry about all the cock
ups - the health service is ·an absolute
bugger - but hope to do better next year.
PM STRAIGHTENSHIS TIE AND HIS HAIR, AS HE HAS DONEFOR HER
BEFORE,THEN, IN SLOWMOTION,HIS FINGERSLOWLY MOVESTO RING ON
THE BELL. FINALLYHE REACHESIT AND RINGS IT.
146 Dr.r. NATALIE'S BOOSE. NIGHT. 146

THE DOOROPENS ·-ANDA WHOLE,EXPLOSIVEFAMILYIS CROWDED INTO

A THIN CORRIDOR,ALL IN THEIR WINTERCOATS, OBVIOUSLY
JUST
SECONDSBEFOREALL GOINGOUT. IT COULDN'TBE MOREAWKWARD -
THEY'REALL THERE, 7 PEOPLE- ANDNOTNATALIE.
PM
Hello, is Natalie around?
NATALIEHASN'T SEEN HIM AND IS COMINGFROMTHE NEXTROOM.
NATALIE
Where the fuck is my fucking coat? O
hello.
PM
Hello.
BIG AWKWARDNESS
- AND HE IS LOOKING
A BIT LIKE A DROWNED
RAT.
NATALIE
This is my Mum and my Dad and my Uncle Tony
and Auntie Glynne ...
PM
Pleased to meet you.
NATALIE
And this is... the Prime Minister.
MUM
Yes, we can see that, darling
SOMECHILDREN$COTTLEAROUND.
NATALIE
- and ... unfortunately we' re very late.
(CONTINUED)
FINAi. JUNE 19/6/02
 Page105
146 CONTINUED: 146

MUM
It's the school nativity concert, you see,
David, and it's the first time all the
local schools have joined together, even St
Basil's which is most ...
NATALIE
Too much detail, Mum.
DAD
Anyway... ahm... how can we help, sir?
PM
Well, actually I needed Natalie ... about
some ... state business ...
DAD
Right, yes - of course. (HE LOOKSAT HIS
WATCH)Right, well, perhaps you should come
on later, Plumpy... (NATALIENUDGESHIM)
erm. .. Natalie ....

PM
No - look, I don't want you to miss the
concert.
NATALIE
No, it's nothing really.
MUM
Keith'll be very disappointed.
NATALIE
Really no - it doesn't matter ...
MUM
The octopus costume has taken me months. 8
is a lot of legs ...
PM
Look - why don't I drive you? We can talk
in the car.
SHE GIVES HIM AV. HAPPYLOOK.
NATALIE
Okay.
147 INT. BBDROOM.RAIUl:N'SROUSB. N:CGB'?. 147

CUT TO KARENIN HER BEDROOM.SHE'S JUST STANDINGTHERE- RIGID -

LISTENING TO JONI, PLAYINGLOUDON THE CD.

(CONTINUED)
FINA£ JUNE 19/6/(}2
 Page106
147 CONTINUED: 147

JONI
Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show,
And you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away.
A TEAR FALLS FROMHER EYE, WHICHSHE WIPES AWAY.HERHANDSPLAY
WITHHER HAIR.
I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love'~ illusions I recall,
I really don't know love,
Really don't know love at all.
SHE TRIES TO SMILE - AND AS THE SONGCONTINUES,HEADS BACKTO
REJOIN FAMILYLIFE, WITHSMILESAND KISSES AND LAUGHTER... AND A
BREAKING HEART.
KAREN
Come on, my darlings - we better be going
or we'll be horribly late.
148 IN'!./~. PM'S CAR. WANDSWORTB.NIGH. 148

CUT INTO THE PM'S CAR- THEREARE PMANDNATALIESITTING WITH

THE BODYGUARD ANDONEBROTHER.
WESEE THE POLICE CARIS TOTALLYFULL OF FAMILYBEHIND. BACKIN
THE PM'S CAR••• PAUSE
PM
Thanks for your Christmas card.
NATALIE
You're welcome. I just thought I - (THEN
OUT IT COMESIN A SPLURGE)I'm so sorry
about that day - I mean I came into the
room, and he slinked towards me and there
was a fire and I was just standing there
and he's the President of the United States
and ••• nothing happened, I promise - and I
just felt such a fool because •.• you're the
man I really •••
HER BROTHER
We're here!! I!
THIS IS THE KEYMOMENT
- WHICHWAYWILL THEYJUMP?
(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page107
148 CONTINUED: 148

PM
Look, I better go - the last thing anyone
needs is some boring politician stealing
the kids' thunder.
NATALIE
Do you have to?
PM
Yes. Although I'll be very sorry to drive
away from you.
NATALIE
Just give me .ane. second •••
149 Erl. SCHOOL
CARI-ARK.NIGB'J!. 149
SHE JUMPSOUT OF THE CAR. MEANTIME
THE SCHOOL
CARFARKIS FULL
OF ACTION.
DANIELANDSAMARE ARRIVING- SAM.CARRYINGDRUMSTICKS- VERY
LOOKING.DANIELTO MAKEHIS HAIR LOOKA LITTLE MORE
DETERMINED
FASHIONABLE.
THENCUT TO JUDY ANDJOHN, MEETINGJOHN'S FAMILY. THERE'SA
LITTLE NEPHEWTHERE.
JOHN'S BROTHER
John's been very mysterious - where did you
two meet?
JUDY
Ahn\..••

NATALIECOMESBACKTO THE CAR.

NATALIE
Corne on in - we can watch from backstage.
LITTLE PAUSE.
PM
Okay. Terry, I'll be back in an hour.
AS THEY STEP OUT, AS EVERWITH THE BODYGUARD,
HE PAUSESIN A
MOMENTOF CLARITY.
PM (CONT'D)
It is pretty important we don't get seen.
This has to be a very private visit.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL .JUNE l9/6/()2
 Page108
149 CONTINUED: 149

NATALIE
Don't worry - this was my school, I know my
way around.
150 EX'l'. !GRSBn.LE. NJ:GBT. 150

JAMIE ARRIVESIN HIS CAR IN A VERYTHIN, POORCITY STREET IN

MARSEILLE.HE GETS OUT OF HIS CAR, HEADSDOWNANORINGS ON A
DOORBELL.
A MANANSWERS.HUGEBLACKMOUSTACHE - ABOUTSIXTY - BIG BELLY-
JUST WEARING
A VEST. JAMIE SPEAKSIN FLUENTPORTUGUESE.
JAMIE
Boa tarde, Mr Barros - I am here to ask
your daughter for her hands in marriage. I
hope that you will give me your permission.
MR BARROS
You wish to marry my daughter?
JAMIE
I do.
MR BARROSCALLS BACK.
BARROS
Come here quickly - there is a man at the
door.
THROUGHTHE PLASTIC CURTAINLEADINGINTO THE NEXTROOMCOMESA
VERYBIG PORTUGUESE GIRL. THERE'S NO LOVELOST BETWEENFATHER
AND DAUGHTER.

MR BARROS
He wants to marry you.
SOPHIA
But I've never met him before.
MR BARROS
Doesn't matter - the sooner I get you out
of the house the better.
SOPHIA
You're going to sell me to a complete
stranger?
MR BARROS
Who mentioned 'sell' - I'll pay him.

(CONTINUED)
FINAI. o1UN&l9/6/02
 Page109
150 CONTINUED: 150

JAMIE
Ahm, excuse me - I'm meaning your other
daughter - Aurelia.
MR BARROS
o - I'm sorry. My mistake.
SOPHIA
I get it. This must be the Englishman she
has been talking about till my ears bleed
with boredom.
MR BARROS
She is not here. She's at work. I'll take
you. You - stay here!
SOPHIA
O don't be stupid.
151 nr.r. COIUW)()R/BACKSTAGE. SCHOOL. NIGHT. 151

BACK AT SCHOOL- KARENANDKIDS ANDHARRYARE LATE - SHE'S

HAVINGTROUBLEMOVINGHER BROODDOWN THE CORRIDOR.
KAREN
(TO HARRY)You go get the seats. Come on
everyone - quick quick.
THE PM & NATALIE& THE BODYGUARD ALSOGOINGDOWN A LITTLE
CORRIDOR - IN A SORT OF BACK STAGEAREA .. AND THENTHE TWO
PARTIES BUMPINTO EACHOTHER ..
KAREN(CONT'D)
David!
SHE HUGSHIM. AND STAYSHUGGING
HIM A BIT LONGERTHANYOU'D
THE EMOTIONCOMESOUT. HE'S SURPRISEDBY HER
EXPECT. SUDDENLY
INTENSITY.
PM
Hey - hey.
KAREN
What the hell are you doing here?
PM
Right... well ....
KAREN
I always tell your secretary's secretary's
secretary these things are going on - but
it never occurred to me that you'd actually
turn up ...•
(CONTINUED)
FINAL .JIJNS 19/6/02
 Page110
151 CONTINUED: 151

PM
Well, look, it's a long story and I didn't
want everyone to see, so I'm just going to
hide myself somewhere and watch - good
luck, Daisy! Good luck, Bernie. Heard
about your essay - very amusing.
BERNIE
(SLIGHTLYGOBSMACKED)
Thank you, sir.
I<AREN
I've got to tell you - I've never been
gladder to see my stupid big brother.
Thank you.
PM
You're welcome.
ANDNOWREALLY,NATALIE& THEBODYGUARD
CAN'T GO ON STANDING
THEREANY LONGER
PM (CONT'D)
This is Gavin. And this is Natalie - she's
my... catering manager.
KAREN
Well, watch out he keeps his hands off you
- 20 years ago you would have been just his
type.
THEYALL LAUGH.
NATALIE
I'll be very careful. (TO THE PM) Don't try
something, sir, just cos it's Christmas •.
MOREUNEASYLAUGHTER.
A BELL GOES- THE SHOW'SSTARTING.
KAREN
o Christ. Show time. See you after.
PM
Well, maybe, maybe.
SHE GIVES HIMA FINAL HUG, ANDWHISPERS
KAREN
Thank you, Prime Minister.
PMAND NATALIEHEADOFF ANDENTERA SORTOF BACKSTAGE
AREA, FOLL
OF ROPESAND PULLEYS.

E'INAL .JUNE 19/6/02

 Page111

152 EXT. MARSEILLE. NZGBT. 152

JAMIE ANDFATHERANDSISTER ARE MOVINGTHROUGH

THE STREETS.
SOPHIA
You better not say 'yes', father -
MR BARROS
Shut up, Miss Lardcake 2003.
THEYPASS ANOTHERFAMILYSITTING OUT...
SOPHIA
Father is about to sell Aurelia as a whit~
slave to this Englishman.
THE OTHERFAMILYFOLLOW.THEYDON'T WANTTO MISS THIS.
153 ~. LONDON.STREET.NIGB'.r. 153

CUT TO MARK,NOWCRUISINGSLOWLY
... ANDPARKINGHIS CAR- AND
GETTINGOUTAFTERA MOMENT'SHESITATION.
154 INT. SCHOOLBALL. NIGBT. . 154

CUT INTO THE CONCERT- IT'S THE CLIMAXOF A NATIVITYSCENE. THE

CASTARE POINTINGAT THE STARABOVEJESUS ANDSINGING "CATCHA
FALLINGSTAR". A LITTLE SIGN SAYS 'FORM2B'
FORM2B
Catch a falling star and put it in your
pocket, save it for a rainy day
Catch a falling star and put it in your .
pocket, never let it fade away,
Never let it fade away, never let it fade
away ••

THEREIS JESUS, SURROUNDEDBY MARY& JOSEPH AND3 ANGELS- TWO

OF THEMDRESSEDNORMALLY ANDBADBERNARD DRESSEDLIKE A
STREETWISERAPPER- BUT WITHA HALO. WIDENTO TAKEIN THE CAST
OF COWS, SHEEP, ANDLOTS ANDLOTS OF SEA CREATURES- LOBSTERS,
SQUID, PENGUINS,AN OCTOPUS,A BLUEWHALEETC.
155 Dr.r. BACKSTAGE. SCHOOL BALL. NIGH'!. 155
WE GO BACKTO PM & NATALIESTANDINGTHERENERVOUSLY,
BACKSTAGE,
GLIMPSINGTHROUGH.A LITTLE CRACK.
156 INT. SCBOOI,BALL. N:CGB'.r. 156

THE SONGENDSTO GREATAPPLAUSE.KARENCOM.ES

ON TO SPEAK- MR
TRENCHSTANDSBESIDE HER.

(CONTINUED)
f'INAL .JUNE19/6/02
 Page112
156 CONTINUED: 156

KAREN
Thank you very much. Before we finish, I'd
just like to say to our headmistress Mrs
Monroe, on behalf of all the parents, that
we think it's very brave her being here
today - in the light of her recent loss.
Geraldine was a wonderful and wicked woman -
and sorrow is particularly hard at
Christmas ...
WECUT TO THE HEADMISTRESS
- SHE IS WEARING
DARKGLASSES. SHE
JUST NODSPOLITELY.WEALSOSEE HARRY,SORROW-CAUSER.
KAREN (CONT'D)
So finally, the climax of the evening - Mr
Trench ...
MR TRENCH
Yes - St Joseph's top 3 classes will now
perform their c~osen Christmas number. The
lead vocal is by Joanna Anderson.
DANIEL RAISES AN EYEBROW
- THIS IS HER.•.•
Backing vocals co-ordinated by her mother,
the great Mrs Jean Anderson.
Some of the staff have decided to help, and
we ask you to forgive us our sins. Thank
· you.
THE SONGBEGINSIN DARKNESS
- THE TINKLINGOF INNOCENTCHRISTMAS
BELLSANDTHENINTO THE SPOTLIGHTSTEPS THE LEADSINGER-
SHE IS A FABULOUS
12 YEAROLDBLACKGIRL - A FEMALEMICHAEL
JACKSON.A SLOWMAGNIFICENTSTART, WHITNEY
MEETSMARIAH..•
JOANNA
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
WECUT ROUNDEXPECTANTPARENTS- ANDAT ONE POINT CUT TO MRS
MONROE- FROMBENEATH HER DARKGLASSES,TEARSFALLGENTLYDOWN
HER CHEEKS. SHE DOESN'TWIPE THEM.
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know.
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you .....
ANOTHENIT KICKS INTO 'ALL I WANTFOR CHRISTMASIS YOU',
ORIGINALLYSUNGBY MARIAHCAREY. IT IS STUNNING.
(CONTINUED)
FINAL JONB 19/6/02
 Page113
156 CONTINUED:(2) 156

SHE·IS STUNNING.ON PIANOIS BADBERNIE- GRINNINGANDNOW

WEARING A T-SHIRT SAYING'HELL'S ANGEL'
SAM'S MONOTONOUS
DRUMSSUDDENLY MAKEFANTASTICPHIL SPECTOR
SENSE- BOTTHENHE EXPLODESINTO SOMEVERYEXPERIMENTAL RIFFS -
HE'S DAMNGOOD!AT ONEMOMENT DANIELLOOKSTOWARDSHIM ANDSENDS
BACKA DISTINCTIVE 'SHE'S THE ONE' FINGER- SAMNODSWITHA
SMILE.
THE HEADOF THE BACKING VOCALSIS A MIGHTYWOMAN, CLEARLY
JOANNA'SMOM,SUPPORTED BY SELF-CONSCIOUS STAFFMEMBERS,LETTING
THEIR HAIR DOWN FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS CENTURY.BEHINDTHEMA
CHOIROF KIDS. IT IS AN EXUBERANT, FABULOUS ENDTO THE SHOW-
SOMEPARENTSSTARTTO STAND,LED ON BY JOANNA'SDAD- THOUGH
DANIELANDTHENHARRYARE HOTON HIS HEELS- EVENTUALLY EVERYONE
IS STANDING... JOHNANDJODYARE HAVINGA PARTICULARLY FUNKYTIME,
BOTHDANCING QUITE BADLY.
ANDTHE PM, QUITE CLOSETO THE STAGENOW,PEERSTHROUGH THE
WINGSAMAZED AT THIS PHENOMENALGIRL - ALTHOUGHWHENSOMEONE
APPROACHES,HE TRIES TO HIDE ANDFADEINTO THE BACKGROUND
-
STILL WORKINGHARDNOTTO.BE SEEN. HE BACKSUP INTO NATALIE-
ANDIN THE DARKNESS,THEIR LIPS COMETOGETHER.
..
JOANNA(CONT' D)
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There ·upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy with a toy
on Christmas day
I just want you for my own,
More than you could ever know,
Make my dreams come true -
All I want for Christmas is you.
You baby ...
FINALLYJOANNAPOINTS ON 'ALL I WANTFOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU, IS
YOU' - ANDAT ONEPOINT SHE POINTSANDSTARESSTRAIGHTAT SAM.
IT IS THE MOMENT WE'VEBEENWAITINGFOR•••• BOT THEN- SHE MOVES
ON.... SAM'S HEADDROPS..;.HIS DREAMS
DEFEATED.
HYSTERIAJUST BEFORETHE END- THE AUDIENCEEXPLODESINTO
APPLAUSE
.••
AS THE FINAL REPEATEDSTRAINSOF 'ALL I WANTFOR CHRISTMASIS
YOO, BABY' WE PANALONGTHE KIDS TO GLEEFULBADBERNARD - WHO
LOOKSROUND ANDSUREENOUGH - HE SEES MRTRENCH,HIS R.E.
TEACHER,ALSOBOWING,ANDEMITTINGA BRIGHTBLUEVISIBLE FART.
BERNIESMILESTHE HUGESTSMILE OF ALL. .

(CONTINUED)
FXNAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page114
156 CONTINUED: (3) 156

FINALLYFAKESNOWSTARTSTO FLUTTERDOWN ON THE CHILDRENANDTHE

STAGEBACKDROPGOES UP TO REVEALTHE LITTLE SURPRISE - A FULL
PAINTEDWINTERWONDERLAND, SAYING 'MERRYCHRISTMAS', CLEARLY
DONEBY ALL THE CHILDREN.
A SLIGHTLYBIGGERSURPRISEIS THAT STANDINGTHEREIN THE MIDDLE
OF THE STAGE, THINKINGTHEYARE BACKSTAGEANOTOTALLYPRIVATE,
ARETHE PRIMEMINISTER ANDNATALIEKISSING - INSTANTLYOUT COME
THE CAMERASOF EVERYSINGLE PARENTIN THE SCHOOL,IT IS A
THUNDER ANDLIGHTNINGOF FLASHES.• THEREIS NOTHINGTHE PMAND
NATALIECAN DO.
PM
Right. So not quite as private as we'd
hoped •.• What do we do ••••
THEYSTAREAT EACHOTHER- THENHE TURNSAND••. TAKESA LITTLE
NERVOUSBOW.

157 Er.r. lGRSBILLm.NIGHT. 157

QUITE A LARGEGROUPOF PEOPLENOWWALKING THROUGH THE

BACKSTREETS- ABOUT22 OF THEM- THEY'VEBEEN COLLECTINGAT
SISTER SOPHIA'S INSTIGATION. THEYTORNOUT ON TO THE HARBOUR
-
ANDTHENMOVEALONGTO A RESTAURANT FACINGTHE WATER,ANDBURST
INTO IT.
158 INT. RES'l'A~. w.RSEILLE. NIG~. 158

THERE·IS A PROPRIETORBEHINDTHE BAR

MR BARROS
Where is Aurelia - this man has come to ask
her to marry him.
·PROPRIETOR
He can't do that - she's our best waitress.
MR BARROS
Don't be so selfish. Where is she?
PROPRIETOR
Why should I care, if she's not going to
continue working here, the little tart?
ANDAT THATMOMENT AURELIABACKSTHROUGHTHE DOORHOLDINGTHREE
PLATESOF FOOD- SHE TURNSAND SEES JAMIE STANDINGTHERE. SHE
FREEZES. ANDTHENVERYGENTLYPUTS THE FOODDOWN - ANDWIPES THE
HAIR ON HER FACE BACK. SHE'S PROBABLY
WEARINGMAKE-UPFOR THE
FIRST TIME. .

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page115
158 CONTINUED: 158

JAMIE
Boa noite, Aurelia.
AURELIA
Boa noite, Jamie.
PAUSE
MR BARROS
Get a move on, Mister.
JAMIE
Beautiful Aurelia - I've come here with a
view to asking you ... to marriage me.
CUT TO HER.
JAMIE (CONT'D)
I know I seems an insane person - because I
hardly know you - but sometimes things are
so transparency, they don't need evidential
proof. I'd be very honoured if you would
make marriage with me, and I will habit
here, or you can come and habit with me in
England ..
SOPHIA
Definitely go for England, girl. You might
meet Prince William - then you can marry
him instead.
MRBARROS
Ssssh.
JAMIE
Of course I don't
expect you to be as
foolish as me, and of co-co-course I
prediction you say 'no' - but it's
Christmas and I just wanted to •.• check.
PAUSEAS SHE THINKS.
SOPHIA
Ofor heaven's sake say 'yes', you skinny
moron.
CUT BACKTO AURELIAANDBACKTO JAMIE. THEN- BECAUSESHE TOO
HAS LEARNTTHE LANGUAGE
OF THE PERSONSHE LOVES, IN VERYBROKEN
ENGLISH.
AURELIA
Thank you - that will be nice. 'Yes' is
being my answer.... Easy question.
(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNB 19/6/02
 Page116
158 CONTINUED:(2) 158

MR BARROS
What did you say?
AURELIA
Yes, of course.
EVERYONE
CHEERS.
JAMIE
You learnt English?
AURELIA'
(IN ENGLISH) Just in cases.
ANDTHE BANDSSTRIKES OP. ANDTHE ENTIREPORTUGUESE COMMUNITY
HUGSHIM. INCLUDINGTHE SISTER WITHA HOGEKISS ON THE LIPS.
AND AURELIA ANDJAMIE MOVE TOGETHER AND TWIRL IN GLORIOUS AND
GLAMOROUSSLOW MOTION AS THEY DANCEINTO THE FUTURE...

159 Ila'. SCHOOLCOMUDOR. NXGBT. 159

AFTERWARDS
IN THE SCHOOLCORRIDORTHE ATMOSPHERE
IS EXPLOSIVE
ANDEXCITED- THE FULL CHRISTMAS
MONTY.SAMCOMESOP TO DANIEL,
NOTHAPPY
DANIEL
Hey. Great show. Classic drumming.
SAM
Yeh, thanks. Plan didn't work though.
DANIEL
Tell her then.
SAM
Tell her what?
DANIEL
Tell her that you love her.
SAM
No way! Anyway, they fly tonight.
DANIEL
Even better - you've got nothing to lose -
and you'll always regret it if you don't. I
never told your Mumenough - I should have
told her every day - because she was
perfect every day. You've seen the films,
kiddo - it ain't over till it's over.
PAUSE
(CONTINUED)
FINAL .RJNI& 19/6/02
 Page117
159 CONTINUED: 159

SAM
Okay - let's do it, Dad. Let's go get the
shit kicked out of us by love ••• Just give
me one sec .•.
HE CHARGES
OFF INTO AN ART ROOMJUST ACROSSTHE CORRIDOR
..
DANIELTURNSANDBUMPSINTO SOMEONE - SHE IS A MOTHER
WITH BOY-
SHE LOOKSWEIRDLY,SUSPICIOUSLYLIKE NICOLEKIDMAN,THOUGH
OBVIOUSLYIT ISN'T HER (THOUGH,IN FACT, IT IS) - THE TEETH, OR
HAIR COLOUR,SOMETHINGIS VERYWRONG.SHE'S A VERYINDEPENDENT
LONDONMUM.
NICOLE
Sorry. I'm a daft, blind cow.
DANIEL
That's okay. My fault.
NICOLE
No it wasn't. You're Sam'.s Dad, aren't you?
DANIEL
Yes. Well, step-dad. Daniel.
NICOLE
I'm Carol. Tommywas second trumpet. Watch
out Louis Armstrong, I say.
DANIEL
I agree. Well done, kiddo - though I
prefer Chet Baker.
DEEP PAUSE. THE TWOADULTSJOST LOOKAT EACHOTHER.
NICOLE
He's also the gymnast, isn't he?
DANIEL
Yeh - doesn't get him the girls, though.
NICOLE
We're a very foolish, shallow sex.
SAM
Okay, I'm back
DANIEL
Yes - well - I hope we'll meet again,
Karen.
NICOLE
Carol. I'll make sure we do.
(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page118
159 CONTINUED: (2) 159

DANIEL
Yes. Good. Merry Christmas.
AS THEYWALKAWAY.
SAM
Tell her.
DANIEL
What?
SAMGESTURESTOWARDS
THE WOMAN.
DANIEL (CONT'D)
Don't be such an arse.
ANDHE LOOKSBACKAT HER - JUST AS SHE LOOKSBACKAT HIM - IT'S
GOINGTO HAPPEN
....
HARRY ANDKARENARE ALSO MOVINGDOWN
THE CORRIDORWITHTHE
CHILDREN.
BERNIE
Was I fantastic?
KAREN
It was the greatest piano playing I have
ever seen - and I once saw Rachmaninov
·play.
HARRYSMILES AT HER - SHE SMILES BACK. THEYWALKON, HER LOOKING
FORWARD.

KAREN (CONT'D)
You gave someone else a gold necklace for
Christmas •.. I hope you haven't given her
your heart as well.
HE LOSES THE COLOURIN HIS CHEEKS, BUT KEEPSON WALKING.
HARRY
Karen ••.•

160 EX'?, SCHOOLYAlm. NIGHT. 160

IN THE SCHOOLYARD.
SAM
There she is.
JOANNAGETS INTO A BIG CAR- WHICHINSTANTLYDRIVESAWAY.

(CONTINUED)
FZNAL JURS l 9/6/02
 Page119
160 CONTINUED: 160

SAM (CONT'D)
0 God.
DANIEL
We can get there. I know a very cunning, if
complicated, short cut.
161 EXT. LONDONSTRBB!rS. NIGH. 161
ALL OF THESENEXT SCENESARE ON DANIEL'S EXOTIC SHORTCUT•.• so
THE CAR WHIPS PAST A MANSIONBLOCK,ANDWE WHIP INSIDE...
162 DlT. JOB'S FLAT. NIGHT. 162

ANDTHERE'S JOE IN HIS ROOM- HE'S GOTA BOTTLEOF CHAMPAGNE

OPEN- AND HE'S DRINKINGON HIS OWN,WATCHINGBILLY ON TV, HIS
FOOTTAPPINGLIKE THE FANHE HAS ALWAYS BEENANOSTILL IS.
163 EX'!'. LONDON
SDEETS. NIGH. 163
THE CAR WHIPS PAST A BIG WHITEBUILDING.
164. INT. HOSPITAL. NIGHT. 164

SARAH AND HER BROTHER- THEYSIT IN THE HOSPITALIN TOTAL

SILENCE - HIM, JUST LOOKINGOUT. SHE HOLDSHIS HAND.
SARAH
Love you, Michael.
LITTLE PAUSE
MICHAEL
I know...• (PAUSE) Doesn't help.
SARAH
I know.
SHE GENTLYSTROKESHIS HAIR.
165 EXT. LONDONS'l'RBETS.NIGHT. 165

DANIEL'S CAR SHOOTSTHROUGH

A SUBURBAN STREET, WHICHACTUALLY
TURNSOUT TO CONTAINNEWLYWEDJULIET AND PETER'S HOUSE.
166 Dr.r. /BX'?. .JtJLIBTAND PEnR' S BOUSE. NIGHT. 166
INSIDE PETER & JULIET ARE SITTING WATCHING
TELLY... IT'S THE END
OF 'THE BODYGUARD',KEVIN, WHITNEYANDTHE PLANE•••
THE DOORBELL RINGS. JULIET GETS UP TO GET IT. SHE LEAVESTHE
LIVING ROOM,GOES THROUGH A LITTLE CORRIDORANDOPENS THE FRONT
DOOR. IT'S MARK.
(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUHS 19/6/02
 Page120
166 CONTINUED: 166

JULIET
O hello.
HE MIMES'SSSSSH'. SHE DOES. HE HASA BUNCHOF BIG WHITECARDS,
LIKE BOBDYLANIN HIS FAMOUS VIDEO. ON THEMMARKHAS WRITTEN
STUFF IN CLUMSYFELT-PEN. THE FIRST ONEREADS'SAY IT'S CAROL
SINGERS.'
PETER (V/O)
Who is it?
JULIET
.••• It's carol singers.
PETER (V/0)
Just give them a quid and tell them to
bugger off.
MARKBENDSANDPUSHESTHE BUTTON ON A SMALLBOOGIEBOXAT HIS
FEET. IT STARTSTO PLAYA TAPE OF YOUNG,BADCAROLSINGERS,
SINGING 'SILENT NIGHT'. HE'S THOUGHTTHIS THROUGH.
THENHE
PRODUCES THE REST OF THE CARDS,ONEBY ONE:
WITHANYLUCKBY NEXTYEAR
I'LL BE GOINGOUTWITHONEOF THESEGIRLS.
A CARD SHOWING
PICTURESOF THE 4 MOSTBEAU~IFULMODELSIN THE
WORLD.
BUT FOR NOW,LET ME SAY,
WITHOUT
HOPEOR AGENDA,
JUST BECAUSEIT'S CHRISTMAS
AND AT CHRISTMAS
YOUTELL THE TRUTH
TO ME, YOUARE PERFECT,
ANDMYWASTED HEARTWILL LOVEYOUUNTILYOU
LOOKLIKE THIS...
PICTUREOF A VERY, VERYOLDWOMAN - OR W.H. AUDENAGED80 - OR
THE LAST PHOTOOF MOTHERTHERESA- OR SOMEONE DEAD.
- FOR YOU
MEANWHILE
HE HANDSHERA BOX.
NOT ONE- BUT TWO.

(CONTINUED)
FINAi, JUNE 29/6/02
 Page121
L66 CONTINUED: (2) 166

SHE OPENSIT - IT IS TWOSLICES OF BANOFEEPIE. HE TURNSOVER

ONEMORE CARD
MERRYCHRISTMAS
.ANDTHENTHE FINAL ONE
FATSO.
HE GIVES HER A LITTLE THUMBSUP - ANDTURNSAWAY,TAKINGTHE
BOOGIEBOX, WITH 'SILENT NIGHT' GETTINGFAINTER.
SODDENLYA TAP ON HIS SHOULDER.HE TURNS. JULIET HAS COMEDOWN
THE PATH, ANDGENTLYKISSES HIM ONTHE LIPS. HE SMILESANDWALKS
AWAY.
MARK
Enough. Enough now.
167 EX'l'. JUDY'S FLAT. NIGB'l'. 167
CUT TO THE NAKEDTWOOUTSIDEHER FRONTDOOR, STILL FULLYCLOTHED
AT THE ENDOF THEIR FIRST DATE. NERVOUS.
JUDY
I better be getting inside, actually. My
Mumand ••.
JOHN
Yeh - it's a bit cold, isn't it. Look, how
about I ring you tomorrow?
JUDY
That would be lovely.
JOHN
0 great. Great. (HE DOESA NERVOUSTHOMBS
UP TO HER) Well, night.
JUDY
Night. It was a lovely, lovely evening.
"All I Want for Christmas is You•• "
SHE POINTSAT HIM. A LITTLE LAUGH.PAUSE.THENSHE LEANSFORWARD
ANDGIVES AN AWKWARD BUT TENDERPARTINGKISS.
SHE SLIPS BACKINTO THE HOUSEANDCLOSESTHE DOOR- HE TURNS
FROMTHE DOOR- THENLEAPS INTO THE AIR, DOWNTHE STEPS,
ECSTATIC.
JOHN
Result! ! !

1i'INA1,JUIIB 19/6/02
 Page122

L68 IH'l'. JOE'S FLM!. HIGH. 168

JOE IS OPENINGTHE DOOR
JOE
What the hell are you doing here? You're
meant to be at Elton John's.
BILLY
Yes - I was there for a minute or two - and
then I had an epiphany.
JOE
Really. Come in. And what was this
epiphany?
AS THEY HEADUPSTAIRS AND INTO THE FLAT.
BILLY
It was about Christmas.
JOE
You realised that it was all around.
BILLY
No, I realised that Christmas is a time to
be with the people you love.
JOE
Right.
BILLY
And I realised that - as dire chance and
fateful cock-up would have it - here I am,
mid-fifties and without knowing it, I've
gone and spent most of my adult life with a
chubby employee. And as much as it grieves
me to say it, it might be that the people I
love is, in fact, you.
JOE
Well, this is a surprise.
BILLY
Yeh.
JOE
10 minutes with Elton John and you're gay
as a maypole.

(CONTINUED)
FINAL JOH£ 19/6/02
 Page123
168 CONTINUED: 168

BILLY
No - I'm serious here. I left Elton's place
where there were a hefty number of girls
with very few clothes on in order to hang
out with you. At Christmas.
PAUSE.
JOE
Well Bill - I'm touched.
BILLY
It's a terrible, terrible mistake, Chubs -
but you turn out to be the fucking love of
my life.
JOE
How about that •..
BILLY
And, to be honest, despite all my
complaining - it HAS been a wonderful life.
JOE IS ACTUALLY
DEEPLYMOVED.
JOE
Well, thank you. Thanks, man. It's been a
real h.onour. I feel very proud.
HE STICKS OUTHIS HANDFORA SENTIMENTAL
HAND-SHAKE.
BILLY
o, don't be such a moron.
ANDGIVES HIM A HUGEBEARHUG.
Come on, let's get pissed and watch porn.
169 INT. l'AI~E OITICB. NIGll'l. 169

DANIEL'S CARAGAIN- IT PASSESAN OFFICE BLOCK- WECOT INSIDE -

SLIGHTLYMYSTERIOUSMIDNIGHTMOOD.WE DRIFT ACROSSTHE OFFICE
ANDCOMETO THE BLACKANDWHITEAFRICANPHOTOBEHINDSARAH'S
DESK- ANDMOVEINTO IT - IT SLOWLY TURNSINTO A VERYMUTED
COLOUR
••.
170 En'. Al'RlCA. DAY. 170

•••• ANDTHE MANBEGINSTO MOVE- ANDTHENINTO FRAMESTEPS A

BEAUTIFULWOMAN. THEYSPEAKTHEIR NATIVELANGUAGE

(CONTINUED)
E'lNAL JUNE 29/6/02
 Page124
L70 CONTINUED: 170

BEAUTIFULWOMAN
(TENDERLY) Come on. There's nothing mo.re
you can do today.

AFRICANMAN
I feel I've let you down.
BEAUTIFULWOMAN
Don't be stupid. As long as I see that big
grin on that ugly face of yours from time
to time, everything's fine with me.
HE GRINS, A BIG BADGRIN.
AFRICANMAN
We'll have to leave.
BEAUTIFULWOMAN
If we have to, we have to. Things could be
worse - you could have married my sister,
and we know how slowly she walks.
HE LAUGHS.SHE KISSES HIM. ANDAS THEYWALKOFF, THEIR SON MOVES
INTO THE PICTURE, ANDHOLDSHIS FATHER'SHAND.
1 71 INT. DEPARTt.mBS. ~BROW AIRPORT. NIGHT. 171

HEATHROWAIRPORT- DANIEL& SAMARE RUSHINGIN. THEYREACHTHE

FAST TRACKENTRYPOINT.
GATEMAN
I'm afraid I can't let you through without
a boarding pass.
DANIEL
No exceptions? Not even to let someone say
goodbye to the love of his life?
GATEMAN
No.
ANOTHER
PASSENGER
COMESPAST.
GATEMAN(CONT'D)
Boarding pass, sir.
THE MANIS IN GREAT
CONFUSION.
ODDPASSENGER
Just give me a moment. I know I've got it
here - if you'd just - could you hold that
for a second.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNE 19/6/02
 Page125
171 CONTINUED: 171
ODD PASSENGER(CONT'D)
(HANDSGATEMANHIS HANDLUGGAGE) There we
go - now - it's - if you could just hang on
to this -
THE GATEMANNOWHAS A LARGEHANDCASEANDA CAPE OVERHIS ARMS.
SAM SPOTS HIS CHANCE.HE MAKESA RUNFOR IT - HE CHARGES
THROUGH,PAST THE GATEMAN- WHOOOESN'T SEE HIM GO....
DANIEL
Yes!
ODDPASSENGER
I'm sorry - I must have left it when I was
having a cup of coffee.
HE TURNSANDFOR THE FIRST TIME WE SEE HIS FACE- IT IS THE
ANGEL, RUFUS, FROMBEFORE- ANDAS HE WALKSPAST DANIEL, HE
GENTLYDISAPPEARS...
172 INT. INSmE DEPARTURES. HEATHROW. NIGHT. 172
MEANTIME ON THE OTHERSIDE, HELL IS BREAKINGLOOSE- SAM RUNS
THROUGH SECURITY- EVERYONE IS GOINGCRAZYAFTERHIM - HE RONS-
HE DODGES - HE LEAPS ON CONVEYORBELTS. ANDALL TO THE EPIC
MAGNIFICENT CONTINUATION OF SCOTTWALKER SINGING 'JOANNA'.••. AND
THE MUSIC FROMTHE ENDOF 'OFFICER ANDA GENTLEMAN' AND
'SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE' ANDDIRTY DANCING,AND 'LOVE IS ALL
AROUND'... IT'S EVERYEND OF EVERYROMANTIC FILM.
THEN, SURROUNDED
BY GUARDS,HE SEEMSCORNERED.
BUT NOT SO FAST - REMEMBER - GYMNASTICSIS SAM'S STRENGTH. HE
GORGEOUSLY FLIP FLOPS HIS WAYOUTOF TROUBLE,ANDCARTWHEELS
THROUGHTHE AIRPORT. EVENTUALLY HE SEES GATE36. WHENHE GETS
THERETHE ROOMIS ALMOSTCOMPLETELY EMPTY- ANDJOANNAIS JUST
GOINGTHROUGH TO THE PLANE...
BUT A STURDYSECURITYGUARDANDA HOSTESSSTANDBETWEEN HIM AND
HER. HE'S STUMPED- TILL SUDDENLY THEYTURN- NOTICINGTHAT UP
ON THE TELEVISIONSCREEN, BILLY IS STARTINGTO TAKEHIS CLOTHES
OFF AS HE PERFORMSHIS SONG.
BILLY IS PLAYINGCHRISTMASIS ALL AROUND,INCREASINGLY
NAKED.
SAMTAKESHIS CHANCEAND NIPS IN. THERE'S ONLYHIM ANDJOANNAIN
THE WHOLELONGROOM.
TOTALSILENCE. THEN•.•
SAM
Joanna.
JOANNA
Sam?
(CONTINUED)
FINAL JONS l9/6/02
 Page126
1
.72 CONTINUED: 172

SAM
I thought you didn't know my name.
JOANNA
Course I do. You're the guy who does the
handsprings. And the great drumming.
JOANNA'S DAD
You the drummer? (SAMNODS) Unbelievable.
JOANNA'SMUM
Why aren't any of us telling the truth here
- it was goddamn unbelievable
JOANNA
What are you doing here?
SAM
Abin... ah - well - o Jesus -
NOWALL HIS PURSUERSHAVEARRIVED.
I've got to run. Take this... you know what
it means ... think Form 2B.
HE REACHESINTO HIS POCKETANDTAKESOUT OF IT. • • A HANDFULOF
SILVER SPARKLE, LIKE KIDS SPRINKLEON GLUE. ANDTHENHE RUNS
AWAY... SHE WATCHES
HIM SPRINGINGFREE
JOANNA'S DAD
Come on, Jo.
SHE LOOKSDOWN AT THE SPARKLEIN HER HAND,AS THEY HEADTOWARDS
THE PLANE. THENGENTLY- THIS PLAYS...
Catch a falling star and put it in your
pocket, save it for a rainy day
Catch a falling star and put it in your
pocket, never let it fade away.
173 IN'l. DBPAR~S. NIGHT. 173
WECUTTO SAM, BEING LED OUT, PAST FAST TRACK,BY GUARDSTO A
WAITINGDANIEL.... THENHE GETS A TAP ON HIS SHOULDER.HE TURNS-
IT'S JOANNA- SHE KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK. THEN SHE TURNSAND
RUNSBACKIMMEDIATELY.HE GRINS LIKE A MADMAN. HE DOESTHE BIG
'ONE' GESTUREAT DANIEL, ANDRUSHESTO HIM. DANIELLIFTS HIM IN
THE AIR ANDHUGSHIM.
For love may come and tap you on the
shoulder,
Some starless night
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUN& 19/6/02
 Page127
173 CONTINUED: 173
JOANNA'S DAD (CONT'D)
And just in case you feel you want to
hold her,
You'll have a pocket full of starlight,
FROMSAM'S POCKET IN SLOWMOTIONPOURSTHE SILVER SPRINKLE-
THEIR STARLIGHT
•••.
THE CAMERA
MOVESOFF THEM, ANDTHROUGH
THE AIRPORT..•
A CAPTIONSAYS: A M0N'nl LATBR...
17 4 INT. ADIVALS GA'l'E. BEA'l'BROW
AIRPORT. DAY. 174
IT IS THE ARRIVALSGATE. THE NORMAL
GAGGLEOF PEOPLEARE WAITING
- LOTS OF THEMDRIVERSWITHNAMESON LITTLE BOARDS- BUT A LOT
OF REAL FRIENDS. NO-ONEWE KNOW.
THENTHE FIRST PERSONCOMESOUT OF THE ARRIVALGATE- SOMEONE
RUSHESFORWARD TO HUGTHEM. THEN
...
BILLY STEPS OUT - HE HAS A GORGEOUS
SIX-FOOT BLONDEWITHHIM.
JOE STEPS OUT OF THE CROWD ANDCOMESANDTAKESHIS BAG, AND
KISSES THE HANDOF THE BLONDE.
CUT TO DANIELAND SAM WAITING- AND 'NICOLE KIDMAN'THENAPPEARS
AND HANDS DANIELTHE CUP OF COFFEESHE'S JUST BOUGHT.

TONYIS ALSO WAITING- HE'S TAPPEDON THE SHOULDER

- THEREWITH
THEIR LUGGAGEANDHUGEGRINS ARE JUDY AND JOHN
JOHN
Hey! What you doing here?
TONY
O just waiting for a friend - what about
you guys •.• ?
SHE WIGGLESAN ENGAGEMENT
RING ON HER FINGER - THEYCOULDN'TBE
HAPPIER.
HARRY COMESOUT & LOOKSAROUND - SEEMSTO BE NO-ONETHERE-
THENFROMBEHINDSOMEONE SLIPS KAREN, $MIL.ING, DUTIFUL. AND
THEREARE THE KIDS CARRYINGA SIGN - 'WELCOME HOMEDAD' - ABOUT
WHICHGRUMPYBERNIE LOOKSDISTINCTLYGRUMPY.
NEXTOUT ARE JAMIE ANDTHE RADIANTAURELIA. PETER ANDJULIET
THERE TO GREET HIM.
JAMIE
Well, here she is - this is Aurelia. This
is Peter and Juliet.
PETER
Welcome to our cold and bitter country.
(CONTINUED)
FINAL JUNB 29/6/02
 Page128
174 CONTINUED: 174

JAMIE
o, and Mark, I didn't see you.
FOR INDEED, HE IS THERE, HANGINGBEHIND.
MARK
Yeh, just thought I'd tag along.
AURELIA
Jamie's friends are so good looking. He
never tells me this. I think maybe now I
have made wrong choice, picked wrong
Englishman.
JAMIE
She ca-ca-can't speak English properly, she
doesn't know what she's saying - she
doesn't in fact mean that at all.
THEYLAUGH.
THEN IT IS JOANNA,THE LITTLE GIRL - SAMBREAKSTHROUGH,RUNSTO
HER- THENREALISESHE HAS TO HOLDBACKANDSHAKESHER HAND
VIGOROUSLY.DANIELANDNICOLEARE AMUSED.
THENWE SEE TONYIN THE CROWD
- ANDHE FINALLYSEES AMERICAN
COLINAND WAVES.
COLIN SEES HIM ANDWAVESBACK- GIVES A BIG THOMBS UP - ANO
POINTS BACKWARDS- ANDTHROUGH THE DOORSCOMESHIS NEW
GIRLFRIEND.SHE IS HARRIET- THOUGH SHE IS, IN FACT, THE MOST
BEAUTIFULAMERICAN STAR.
COLIN
This is Harriet.
TONY
Hello, Harriet.
HARRIET
Hi - really pleased to meet you.
COLIN
How have you been, you old loser?
TONY
O, you know - bit of this, bit of that. Bit
lonely actually.
COLIN
Excellent. Look, we couldn't crash at your
place for a day or two could we?

(CONTINUED)
E'ZNAJ, JUNE 29/6/02
 Page129
174 CONTINUED:(2) 174

TONY
Well, I suppose so - though you know it'll
have to be on the couch, I've just got the
one bed •••
COLIN
Ah ••• Petit problemo •..
TONY
What?
HARRIET
Well, the thing is, Tony - I know this is
REALLYnaughty of me, really wicked, sinful
- but I also brought my sister ...
TONY
(NOTVERY HAJ?J?Y)Ah. ..
ANDHARRIETGESTURESBACKWARDS
- COMINGTHROUGH
THE CUSTOMSIS
THE FIFTH STAGGERING
ANDFAMOUS
AMERICANWOMAN.
WE'LL CALLHER
CARLA •••

HARRIET
Well, she's my half-sister ...
TONY
0 right.
CARLA
Hello, you must be Tony.
SHE KISSES HIM FULL ON THE LIPS.
TONY
Yes, I am ••• Tony .•. Clopton. Hi.
CARLA
I heard you were gorgeous.
TONY
Yes, well, welcome to England. Looking
forward to having you stay. No rush to
leave. I hope you'll be happy with the
sleeping arrangements. So... America was...?
COLIN
So great.
THENA BIG STIR ANDTHE PRIMEMINISTERCOMESTHROUGH,SURROUNDED
BY QUITE SUBTLESECURITYPEOPLE.

(CONTINUED)
FINAi, JUN& 19/6/02
 Page130
174 CONTINUED:(3) 174

AFTERA TINY PAUSE, NATALIERUSHESTHROUGHTHE CROWDANDHUGS

HIM WITH TOTALLOVE, THROWING
HER LEGS ROUNDHIS WAIST- FLASHES
OF 50 WAITINGPAPARAZZIFLASH.
PM
(WHISPERING)God you weigh a lot.
NATALIE
O shut up - if you can carry the weight of
the nation's woes, you can damn well carry
little old me... ·
MUSIC STARTSTO BUILD UP TO A CLIMAX.
THENTHE DOOROPENSAGAIN, ANDOUT STEPS A MIDDLE-AGEDWOMANWE
HAVEN'TSEEN BEFORE. ANDHER OLDERHUSBANDSTEPS OUT ANDGRABS
HER ANDSWINGSHER AROUND.SHE LAUGHS.
THENA HIPPY LOOKINGMAN- ANDHIS HIPPY GIRLFRIENDCHARGESOUT
FROMTHE CROWD...
THENA MOTHERCOMESOUT - ANDA FATHERANDTHREECHILDRENRUSH
TOWARDSHER.
WE' RE BACK IN THE WORLD OF NORMAL PEOPLE - WITH LOVE ACTUALLY ...
ALL AROUND.
TBB END.

FlNAL JUNE 19/6/02