Partners Guide Coping With Cancer

A guide for partners of someone with cancer
Partners
guide to
coping with
cancer
© Cancer Council Queensland 2012
This booklet is copyrighted by Cancer Council Queensland. All rights

reserved. The content may not be reproduced in any form for any purpose
without the express written permission of Cancer Council Queensland.
This booklet was written by a team of psychologists in the Cancer

Counselling Service, Cancer Council Queensland - with thanks to all
whose experiences, knowledge, and skills contributed to the production
of this booklet.
Cancer Council Queensland is a not-for-profit, non-government organisation

that provides free information and support for people with cancer and their
families and friends throughout Queensland. These services are made
possible through the generous donations of Queenslanders and we thank
them for their continued support.
If you would like to know more about the information and support
services provided by Cancer Council Queensland, call our Helpline
13 11 20, Monday to Friday, 8am to 6pm.
Disclaimer: The information enclosed is provided for educational purposes or for personal use only. Cancer Council
Queensland (CCQ) strongly advises this information should not be used as a substitute for seeking medical or health
care advice. We strongly recommend that you seek advice from your doctor or treating health care team before
making any decision about your health care treatment. Please note that the information enclosed reflects the opinion
of the author/s at the time of writing. Every effort has been made by CCQ to ensure its accuracy, however CCQ and
its advisors do not accept any liability in relation to this information. This publication is current as at December 2012.
Introduction
Being diagnosed with cancer is one of the most distressing and
demanding experiences a person can face. The focus of attention
naturally falls on the person with cancer. However, other family
members, and partners in particular, often suffer as much or even
greater distress. Fears for your partner, emotional turmoil, and
increased demands often continue over a lengthy period, and can
leave you vulnerable to the effects of stress – and just at the time
when you are needed more than ever. If you are the partner of
someone with cancer, this booklet – A Partner’s Guide to Coping
with Cancer – is designed to address your particular challenges.
Being a partner obviously involves being in a partnership – with

relationship issues that involve you both. Therefore, this book is
one for sharing together – to aid understanding of each other’s
feelings and reactions, and to work together on ways to protect and
strengthen your relationship at this time.
Not every topic in this booklet will relate to everyone, and there may
be too much information to take in all at once. It may not contain
all the information you need, but may point you in the direction of
further resources. We hope you will find it reassuring that many other
people have faced similar feelings and issues. Their experiences
may give you ideas to help you find your way through change and
multiple demands. What worked for them may help you to support
your partner, look after yourself, and work together to maintain your
relationship.
Note: Our other booklets Coping with Cancer and Coping with a
Diagnosis of Prostate Cancer provide information and strategies to
help guide patients and families through the challenges of diagnosis
and treatment. This partner’s booklet is designed to complement
and to be read in addition to these booklets.
A partner's guide to coping with cancer 1

Table of contents
Introduction................................................................................................. 1
The impact of diagnosis – a partner’s perspective................................. 4

Your emotional reactions.............................................................................. 4
Shifting roles................................................................................................. 7
Adjusting to change..................................................................................... 7
Understanding your reactions and respecting differences.......................... 8
Supporting your loved one........................................................................... 11
Navigating the healthcare system ............................................................... 12
Maintaining your wellbeing....................................................................... 14

Looking after yourself................................................................................... 15
Stress management: effective coping strategies......................................... 18
Recruiting help............................................................................................. 22
Strengthening your relationship................................................................ 24

Ways to show you care................................................................................ 25
Improving communication............................................................................ 26
Solving problems together........................................................................... 29
Maintaining intimacy.................................................................................... 30
Managing conflict......................................................................................... 34
Coping with uncertainty............................................................................. 36

Into the future............................................................................................... 36
A time of transition....................................................................................... 39
2 A partner's guide to coping with cancer

Finding direction......................................................................................... 42
Deciding what matters................................................................................. 43
Setting realistic goals................................................................................... 44
Committing to action.................................................................................... 45
Special issues............................................................................................. 46
Helping children cope.................................................................................. 46
Being a carer as well as a partner................................................................ 48
Fertility.......................................................................................................... 50
When the outlook is poor............................................................................. 52
Appendices................................................................................................. 54
1. Ideas for supporting your partner............................................................ 54
2. Relaxation exercises................................................................................ 56
3. Support map............................................................................................ 58
4. Ideas to show you care............................................................................ 60
5. a. Steps for successful problem solving.................................................. 61
b. Problem solving sample worksheet..................................................... 62
6. Tips for improving communication skills................................................. 64
7. Identifying guiding values........................................................................ 66

The impact of diagnosis
– a partner’s perspective
Your emotional reactions
As a partner, you too face the shock of diagnosis, concerns
about surgery and/or other treatments, and fears for your loved
one’s present and future wellbeing. You may be shouldering
additional demands including taking on extra household tasks
and finding ways to support your partner. At the same time,
you may be dealing with pressure on your relationship and
the impact of the situation on other family members.
The thought of cancer is frightening in many ways and in the time
after diagnosis you may experience a range of different feelings.
Some people have described feeling like they were in shock or numb
when they were told the news. Other common reactions include
feeling anxious and scared, or perhaps upset or emotional. Often
people feel confused, particularly when trying to understand complex
medical information or when helping their partner to decide about
medical treatments. Feelings of helplessness and frustration are
also very common, often in response to seeing their partner undergo
many medical tests and procedures. Sometimes people feel angry –
they may feel that it is unfair that their loved one got cancer or wish
that the cancer had been found earlier.
With so much going on for your partner, it can also be natural to feel
that your own feelings and needs do not deserve attention and to push
them into the background. However, it is common for partners of cancer

patients to experience high levels of emotional or psychological distress.
You might find you are thinking less clearly, with difficulties such as:
poor concentration
memory problems
worrying thoughts
confusion
You may also experience physical responses to the shock of the

cancer diagnosis including:
fatigue
disturbed sleep
nausea
nightmares
restlessness
headaches
You may have never felt this way before and it can be overwhelming.
However, feeling like this does not mean you are ‘going crazy’ or
that you are ‘weak’. These are all normal reactions as you try to take
in complex, distressing information, make some sense out of it, and
put it into perspective. With time, people usually begin to adjust to
the changes brought about by cancer and begin to feel more like
their usual selves.

Sometimes people do continue to feel very worried, upset, or
depressed in ways that interfere with their lives. If you find that your
distress is very high, that it prevents you from functioning, or that you
are not feeling any better over time, it is important to tell your doctor
or health professional and discuss support options and ways to help
you manage.
The Cancer Council Queensland’s Cancer Counselling Service

is available to assist people affected by a diagnosis of cancer.
This service can be accessed in Queensland by calling the
Cancer Council Helpline on 13 11 20 (toll free).
“When the specialist said the results showed that my partner

had cancer I felt like I had been kicked in the guts. She is the
best person I know and she doesn’t deserve it. ”
“I kept getting these visions of me with the kids on my own.
I thought that we were going to lose her and that there was
no way we would cope without her. ”
“John and I just sat there stunned. It probably looked like we
were taking it on board but neither of us could remember a
thing about that doctor’s visit. ”

Shifting roles
When your loved one is diagnosed with cancer, there may be
changes in family roles and routines. The adjustments will vary
depending on your particular situation, but your partner will
probably not be able to manage all their usual roles and tasks,
such as household chores, work, home maintenance, childcare,
financial affairs, and/or family relationships. They may now be more
dependent on you, and you may have to take on roles which don’t
come easily or that you find hard to manage. However, while it may
be a relief for your partner to receive practical support, it is also
important that your efforts to help, protect, and care for them don’t
“take away” roles and involvement that they are still able and willing
to handle.
At first, a shift in roles may be difficult for you both, so it is important

to talk together about how you are both coping with these changes.
You may also need to adjust your expectations in the way that tasks
are done (or even not done!).This may include relaxing housekeeping
standards, simplifying tasks where possible or accepting offers of
assistance from friends or family.
Adjusting to change
A diagnosis of cancer marks the beginning of a journey. Cancer is
not just one stressful event to be dealt with and moved past – it is
a series of changing situations and demands. This means that you
and your partner may need to regularly review how you are managing
things. While this requires effort, it will help you to use your time
and energy effectively. Working together as a team to figure out new
ways to adjust to the changes in your lives will help to ensure you
understand each other’s efforts to cope and choose ways that work
well for you both.

A diagnosis of cancer often raises concerns about plans you already
Title
had in place, both short and long term. Changes to your day-to-
day lives are to be expected during cancer treatments and can also
involve losses – for example, loss of income, losing your sense of
safety or control, the loss of future plans, or loss or change of roles
within the family. Such losses can have an impact on the way that
you both are feeling and coping. It is essential to acknowledge your
disappointments (rather than dismissing them), take time out when you
need to have realistic expectations, and allow yourself time to adjust.
Understanding your reactions

and respecting differences
Your partner may respond to stress in a completely different way to
you and this can be hard to understand. A common difference is that
one partner may express their emotions more openly than the other
(such as crying or talking about their feelings). This doesn’t mean
the less expressive partner doesn’t experience emotion; they may
just deal with it in different ways. For example, some people tend
to focus on trying to find ways to solve the problem (which can be
productive if the problem is open to solution). Others may focus on
trying to manage their emotional reactions to the problem (which is
helpful when the problem is beyond their control).
You have probably recognised these differences within your

relationship in the past, but a stressful event like cancer may make
these differences more obvious. Even though it can be difficult
to accept these different reactions, it is important to realise that
this may be the only way a person can cope at this point in time.
Reactions are not necessarily right or wrong – but they may be more
or less helpful depending on the situation.

Ways of reacting to stress that are common but often cause
misunderstandings and hurt feelings include:
Withdrawal: This may include avoiding discussion of cancer-

related issues or throwing oneself into distracting activities, such
as work. Withdrawal can seem like a lack of caring or coldness,
but it is often a response to strong emotions, such as fear and
anxiety that are difficult to handle. In the same way, avoiding
opportunities to talk is usually a way to protect oneself or others
against overwhelming, unpleasant emotions. If you sense this is
happening, it is best to approach your partner gently and discuss
the situation with understanding.
Over-protection: Sometimes partners or family members do

more for the person with cancer than is actually necessary. They
might not want/allow the person with cancer to do their usual
household tasks or other activities, or they might continually tell
the person with cancer what to do to take care of himself/herself.
They may also stop the person with cancer from expressing any
negative thoughts or feelings and/or avoid telling the person about
their own fears or feelings. Partners and family members often
believe that doing these things will help the person with cancer.
Unfortunately, these behaviours may take away activities that give
the person satisfaction or a sense of purpose. As well, attempting
to protect your partner from negative thoughts and feelings can
often have the effect of making them feel dismissed, isolated or
even that you don’t trust them to be able to deal with these very
natural feelings. Not talking honestly takes away the chance to
understand one another, to feel better through sharing, and to
work together as a team.
Tip
If you want to help the person with cancer, it is important to ask
them what they would and would not find helpful.

Anger: Frustration that things are not happening the way that
Title

you would like, or feeling out of control in the face of the cancer,
may result in anger in either yourself or your partner. Anger can
be difficult to understand, often because another emotion – such
as fear, hurt, sadness, or grief – underlies it. When people feel
angry they often behave in unhelpful ways, including yelling,
criticising, or withdrawing. If you or your partner are behaving
like this, it is important to remember that neither of you have
caused or are to blame for the cancer – feeling angry is a normal
response to a diagnosis of cancer and the feeling will not last
forever. However, it is not part of a normal adjustment to cancer
for anger to become excessive, ongoing, violent or abusive. If
this occurs, it is important to get assistance and support as soon
as possible.
Frequent discussions: Either partner may wish to talk about

the cancer or their feelings, and this can be a useful way
of processing thoughts, releasing emotions, and ensuring
understanding. However, very frequent or recurring discussions
may become exhausting or distressing for one partner. In such a
situation, it may be useful for the other partner to find additional
support outside the relationship to meet their need to talk.
These reactions can be confusing and cause misunderstandings.

Remember that they are rarely deliberate and usually reflect
difficulty coping with emotions or knowing what to do. Using good
communication and handling conflict well can make a difference (see
later sections).
“It’s important to be on the same page and also check in with

each other regularly. We also now respect that we are a bit
different in the way we cope with things. ”

“Terry’s way of coping was to get on with things where I
wanted to talk things over and over. At times it was frustrating
but I knew that he was doing what he needed to do to
manage his thoughts and feelings.
”
“If only one of you wants to talk, it’s good to know there are
other avenues such as counsellors or people who have
experienced similar situations.”
If you feel you need advice or support in coping with cancer,
call the Cancer Council Helpline on 13 11 20 (toll free).
Supporting your loved one

During this stressful and demanding time, you are likely to be putting
a lot of effort into supporting your loved one. However, sometimes,
despite our best intentions, our efforts do not seem to be as effective
as we would hope. Often this can be due to a mismatch between
what we think would be helpful and what is actually needed. In
addition, we may feel uncomfortable raising difficult topics, or may
be concerned about upsetting each other if we are open about our
feelings and needs.
Talking openly and non-defensively together about how to support

each other is the best way to improve understanding (see page
26 for communication tips). Being creative about possible ways
of supporting each other can lead to additional ideas and, most
importantly, make it more likely that your efforts will be focussed
where they are most needed and appreciated.
Ideas for showing support are provided in Appendix 1.

Navigating the healthcare system
Title
When your partner has been diagnosed with cancer, it is
understandable that you will want them to receive the best
possible care. Your partner’s treatment will be managed by one or
more medical specialists and it is important that your partner has
confidence in his/her medical team. Your partner may also need
to decide whether to have his/her treatment through a public or
a private hospital.
Of course, what one person considers is best for them may be quite
different from what will meet another person’s needs. However,
the following information may help to guide you and your partner
to find the most appropriate care for his/her particular needs and
circumstances.
Sources of information for finding a specialist

that best suits you:
1. Initially, your GP will discuss referral options with you. These
could include both public and private care. Factors to consider
when discussing care options may include:
a. The skills and experience of the cancer team/specialist in
dealing with your partner’s particular cancer
b. The way in which the team/specialist provides information
and answers questions/concerns
c. How the team/specialist provides patient support whilst
under their care.
2. Information about medical specialists: Cancer Council

Australia website has links to professional colleges:
http://www.cancer.org.au/AboutCancer/FindaSpecialist.htm

3. Recommendation of a family member or friend: A family
member or close personal friend may report a favourable
experience with a specialist. You can use this as a guide, but
remember that you may value certain characteristics (e.g. being
a good communicator) while they may value others (e.g. being
highly regarded in his/her field).
4. Seeking a second opinion: Anyone, whether under public or

private medical care, is entitled to ask their GP or specialist for
a referral to another specialist for a second opinion.
Considerations when deciding to use private

or public healthcare:
Is the same treatment available in both the public and private sector?
1. Can I access the same specialist in both the public and

private sector?
2. What level of private health insurance and extras cover do I have?
3. If I do not have private health insurance but I want to use the

private sector, what will be the cost? Can I easily afford this
amount?
4. Is it likely that I will require allied health support that is

normally available in the public sector (such as a social worker,
psychologist, physiotherapist, dietician, or other)? If so, is it
also readily available in the private sector and how do I access
it? If I have to access it privately, how much will it cost?

Maintaining
Title
your wellbeing
It can be easy to forget to take good care of yourself in the
midst of everything you are doing to support your partner.
In addition to your normal roles and responsibilities, you may
now need to provide more emotional support to your partner
and possibly other family members, deal with financial
stress, and absorb more demands on your time and energy.
During stressful times, it is also harder to find the opportunity
or motivation to relax or re-energise through leisure activities.
Often it seems that the best approach to a crisis is to throw
everything you have at the problem in the belief that once it is
all over you will be able to stop, catch up, and recover. This may
be fine for a short-term crisis – like a sprint where you can put
everything you have into the race because you only have to last
a short distance. However, dealing with cancer may be less like
a sprint and more like a marathon. If you don’t look after yourself
along the way, you may not be able to stay the distance and
support your partner effectively because of high levels of stress
or burnout.
It is okay to put your own needs on hold for short periods of

time, but continuing to do so over the longer term may affect your
own health, relationships, and your quality of life. Making sure that
you take good care of yourself and have enough support means
that you are more likely to be able to continue to support your
partner for the long term – with you and your relationship still in
good shape.

Looking after yourself
It may be helpful to think about your well-being as a bank account.
Your account stays in credit if you look after yourself well – that is, you
make ‘deposits’ into your account to offset what you take out to meet
life’s demands. The demands of cancer treatment and supporting
your partner can mean that you are taking more out of your account
than usual. If, at the same time, you are not looking after yourself
– that is, you are putting less than usual into your account – your
wellbeing account will soon be emptied and in the red.
Ways to look after yourself and maintain your

well-being include:
Stay connected: Although a lot of your attention will be focused
on dealing with your partner’s cancer, it is draining to do this
constantly. Staying connected with the world around you can help
you see a life outside and beyond cancer and give you time out
from your worries. This may mean maintaining some degree of
work, arranging to spend quality time with your partner, engaging
in hobbies or spending time with family or friends.
Invest in your physical health: Make sure that you are eating
healthily to give your body the best chance to cope with stress.
Alcohol and caffeine (found in coffee, tea, soft drinks, and
chocolate) can put a strain on your body so keep them to a
minimum. Try to exercise regularly. While making time for exercise
is hard at the best of times, it is even more important now, as
regular physical activity has been shown to lift mood, lower
blood pressure, improve sleep, and reduce stress. Also (and
perhaps unexpectedly), physical activity is also an important way

to manage fatigue – helping you to feel more energetic and less
Titletired. However, do be sure to match your physical activity to your
current level of fitness, and seek advice if you plan to significantly
increase the amount or intensity of your exercise regime.
Do things you enjoy: It is important to create spaces for

relaxation and enjoyment every day even though you may be
extra busy and feel as if you are pushed for time. Think about
things you do (or have done in the past) that help you unwind and
feel good. It might be half an hour spent reading the newspaper,
being in the garden, having a bath, or listening to calming
music. These activities are not luxuries; they are important ways
to prevent the build-up of stress and stay in touch with life’s
pleasures, despite the difficulties you may be facing.
Accept and deal with difficult feelings: Uncomfortable feelings

(such as fear, anxiety, irritability, anger, guilt) are a natural
response to the difficulties you are facing. Accepting these
feelings as they arise can help you to move forward.
Some people believe that showing their feelings is a sign of
weakness, or will lead them to feel even worse. However,
constantly pushing away difficult thoughts and feelings can
create more pressure and you may find that you are keeping
more and more busy to avoid the thoughts and feelings. Sleep
may also be affected because the distressing thoughts and
feelings will tend to surface when you aren’t able to distract
yourself with other activities. Some people even find themselves
withdrawing from loved ones or using drugs or alcohol to avoid
facing their emotional distress. Trying to keep up a brave face
all the time is exhausting. Rather than avoiding difficult thoughts
or feelings, it is usually more effective in the long run to spend
some time processing them. Talking about difficult feelings, or
even writing them down, can help make sense of your feelings
and lighten your load – sometimes it can also help you to put
things in perspective.

Be kind to yourself: It is normal and understandable to feel a
little frayed at the edges with the extra concerns and demands
of a loved one’s cancer treatment. Make sure that your
expectations of yourself are reasonable – consider whether you
can set aside other demands in your life or hand them over to
someone else to manage. It can also be useful to regularly stop
and ask yourself what is really important to you – so that you can
use your energy for these things and allow the less important
tasks to take a back seat for the time being. For example, taking
your loved one to their appointments and just listening if they
need to talk may be more important right now than keeping up
to date with routine tasks. Focusing on what you value most,
and letting go of some of the less important things, can help you
focus your energy and resources where they are needed most.
“For me it was so important to talk to one of my good friends

for support every couple of days. Just telling someone about
what was happening seemed to help me to put things into
perspective. ”
“It’s a good idea to reflect regularly with your partner about
what stage you are at, emotionally and physically, on this
journey – you may not necessarily be at the same stage as
each other at the same time. ”
Tip
Sprint (crisis) or Marathon (long-haul)? In intense but short
races, sprinters can afford to temporarily use up all their energy.
In marathons, runners need to use different strategies to make
sure they pace themselves – conserving enough energy and
utilising resources in order to last the distance.

Stress management:
Title
effective coping strategies
Increased stress is to be expected when dealing with your loved one’s
cancer. Stress is your body’s natural response to threat or change. It is
sometimes called the ‘fight or flight’ response because it immediately
prepares your body to either confront the situation (fight) or run away
from it (flight). To be ready for action, your body releases chemicals
(such as adrenaline) that increase your breathing and heart rate,
increase blood pressure and sweating, tense your muscles, and make
your stomach churn. These are normal responses and can be very
useful when dealing with an emergency. However, they are not very
helpful in dealing with ongoing stress, because if stress continues for
a long time these responses can lead to exhaustion and burnout.
To effectively manage stress it is important to identify your own

warning signs that your stress levels are increasing so that you
can take early action before things build up. Physical signs of
stress may include headaches, physical tension, teeth grinding/jaw
clenching, upset stomach, shallow breathing, chest pain or tightness.
Emotional signs of stress may include tearfulness, feeling anxious,
overwhelmed, tired, unwell, or overly sensitive. Other reactions to
stress can include difficulty sleeping, withdrawing from loved ones,
over-eating or loss of appetite, or increased use of alcohol/drugs or
cigarettes. For most people, feelings of stress will reduce over time
as they adjust to their changed circumstances. In the meantime,
there are things you can do to help you to manage your response to
stress and feel calmer during this unsettling time.
You and your partner may respond to and deal with stress in very
different ways. For some people, being alone or engaging in a
solitary activity is an opportunity to unwind and re-focus their
attention and energies. For others, talking and being in company is
essential in helping them cope with stress. If you and your partner
cope with stress in different ways, it may be helpful for each of you
to find some relaxing activities that you can do independently – if you
are both less stressed as a result, your relationship will also benefit.

“I could tell I was exhausted because I totally lost my sense
of humour and got snappy about the smallest things, even
comments that I knew were well-meant. ”
Some strategies for coping with stress include:
Be active: Exercise maintains physical health and well-being
and is an effective way to ‘burn off’ the effects of stress. If you
have health problems, check with your GP that the exercise
program you are considering is appropriate for you. If you
haven’t exercised in a while, start slowly and be kind to yourself
– gradually build up your endurance. Even small amounts of
physical activity can be helpful in managing the effects of stress.
Relax: Sometimes your changed circumstances make it difficult

to do the things you normally do to relax, whether that is formal
relaxation practice or some other enjoyable activity (like listening
to music or working on hobbies). Even if you are managing to
do these things, you may still be experiencing ongoing stress
and physical tension in your body. Regular practice of relaxation
exercises can help you to let go of tension and give your body a
break from the effects of stress. Try to make some time each day
to consciously relax – if you would like more information, see the
Cancer Council Queensland’s relaxation CD and booklet. Some
brief relaxation exercises are provided in Appendix 2.
You may already have a favourite relaxation exercise you like to

practice. If not, try the Cancer Council Queensland’s relaxation CD,
available by contacting 13 11 20 or order on website.

Identify problems and solve if possible: Some stress
Title

management strategies (like problem-solving or learning to say
“no” to other people’s requests) are useful in helping to change
a stressful situation or sometimes get rid of it altogether.
Although the cancer diagnosis cannot be changed or removed,
many stressors related to it or adding to it may be able to be
changed, for example, reducing work duties, getting help with
transport/childcare/home duties, and renegotiating bank or
bill payments. Under normal circumstances, it is often quite
straightforward to work out what the problem is and take action
to solve it. Yet when we are stressed, it often becomes much
more difficult to do this. This is where taking a step-by-step
problem-solving approach can help. You can use the strategies
discussed in the section Solving Problems Together on page 29
as a guide to solving many different types of problems.
Deal with unhelpful thoughts: The way we think about a

situation directly affects how we feel. Your thoughts can either
‘coach’ you through the situation, helping you to cope and
feel better, or they can undermine your efforts, increasing your
distress and preventing you from coping effectively. Taking a
step back and looking at the problem from a different viewpoint
can help you keep your reactions in check and cope better.
There are a few key questions you can ask yourself to check
whether your thoughts are helping you or not:
Is thinking this way helping me to cope?
What is the evidence for the way I’m thinking?

What are the facts of the situation?
Are these thoughts realistic/rational/based on facts?
If your thoughts do not pass these tests (that is, there is no

evidence for them, they are not realistic, or they are not helping
you to feel better or cope better), see if you can come up with
some alternative, more helpful ways of thinking about the situation.

Replacing your unhelpful thoughts with ‘coping self-talk’ will help
you to feel calmer and cope better.
Some examples include:
I don’t like what has happened, but I can cope without making
it worse for myself.
I can meet this challenge. It may even help me become a
stronger person.
Sitting and worrying about it isn’t going to help. What can I do
to help myself cope with this situation.
I won’t get overwhelmed; I’ll just take it one step at a time.
Let me focus on the good things about my situation/myself,
rather than the negative things.
I handled that situation really well. That proves I can cope.
I’m going well. I’ll just keep going slowly and doing the things
I can do.
Let me focus on the facts (what I know right now) rather than
imagine and worry about what might happen in the future.
“Stopping and just noticing how I was feeling in my mind and

in my body helped to ground me in the present moment,
helping me to step outside of the chaos in my mind, even if it
”
was just for a short time.
Don’t waste your life in doubts and fears: spend yourself on

the work before you, well assured that … (this) will be the best
preparation for the hours or ages that follow it.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
If you feel like your thoughts are causing difficulties for you, the
Coping with Cancer booklet has a more detailed section on Helpful
thinking. You may also like to get support from the Cancer Council
Queensland’s Cancer Counselling Service.

Recruiting help
Title
When you are facing the extra demands of cancer, help with
everyday responsibilities from family and friends can make an
enormous difference.
People often find it very hard to ask for and accept offers of help.
You may worry about burdening others, but often family and friends
are eager to find ways to help, and may feel helpless or shut out if
you don’t ask for or accept their help. Ask yourself the question “If
someone I loved or cared about had a problem, would I want to help
out?” One idea for overcoming this barrier to getting support can be
for a trusted and capable friend to take on the role of co-ordinating
help. You and your partner need to let this co-ordinator know what
type of help you would like (see over). Then when someone asks you
whether there is anything they can do to help, you can direct them to
your co-ordinator who will give them an appropriate task.
Not everyone in your circle of friends and supports will be able to

help in the same way. Some people are comfortable talking and
providing emotional support, while others may feel more able to help
out in practical ways, for example, helping with meals or transport
or helping around the home. At times when your focus will be
concentrated on your family, you may not realise how much support
you do have available to draw on. It may be helpful to complete the
‘Support Map’ in Appendix 3 to see if your support network can be
strengthened or extended.
It is important to let people know the things you would find helpful
so they can choose ways to help that match their abilities. It can be
useful having a list of things that it would be nice to get help with
– then when people ask if there is anything they can do, they can
choose from the list something they would be comfortable doing.

Your list could include different types of help – practical things like
picking up groceries or help with transport or children, keeping
others informed, such as setting up a ‘phone tree’ (where news is
passed on from one person to another), group email, or Facebook
page, or it could even include helping you to have fun and take a
break. Using a list makes it more likely that your supporters will feel
useful and satisfied with the help they are providing; more likely that
you will get your real needs met; and more likely that well-meaning
general offers of help (e.g., “let me know if I can help”) are converted
into actual support.
Tip
Remember that, as a couple, coping with cancer is tough and
is best managed with support. Accepting help doesn’t mean you’re
not coping; rather it is a way to help yourself and those around you.
“My next door neighbour just started mowing our lawn, and
you know what, he said that it actually helped him to feel like
he was doing something useful. ”
“Having a close friend with us at medical appointments,
helping to remember information, really helped take some of
the pressure off us. ”
What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for
each other? George Eliot

Strengthening
Title
your relationship
Because facing cancer is often a new experience for couples,
it can bring up all sorts of unexpected thoughts and feelings. It is
not surprising that in the busy time of diagnosis and treatment,
couples can find that they lose touch with one another. This can
sometimes lead to couples feeling frustrated and disconnected
– even though they might actually be spending more time
together. It is normal for a couple to feel vulnerable when faced
with a cancer diagnosis and treatment side-effects. You or your
partner may need extra reassurance to feel less afraid and/or
to know that you are loved just as much as ever.
“What I struggled with the most in the beginning was knowing

how to support Alan. It sometimes seemed that the more I
tried to reach out to him the more he withdrew. Although I
know now that I was on the right track, for a long time it felt
like I was groping around in the dark. ”

Ways to show you care
Showing that you care is more than just providing support. It means
reaching out to each other and showing how you feel. This is
particularly important if old ways of showing caring and affection
have changed or reduced during or after treatments. We all have
different ideas of how to express caring. Some might show care with
hugs and affection, while others may prefer to help in practical ways
and ask “What can I do to help?” Feeling helpless about how to let
your partner know you care can lead to an increase in frustration and
stress. Even for couples who feel a new appreciation for each other,
it is not always easy to know how to demonstrate that you care.
Think about the things that you can do for one another to show that
you really care. These don’t need to be big gestures like planning a
holiday or a major purchase, just small, everyday things. It can be
useful for each of you to take some time to think about things you
might like your partner to do that would really mean something to
you or help you. Then together, discuss and plan ways of caring for
one another over the next week – perhaps even writing down one
caring activity each day that you will do for your partner. Try to be
creative, and use the list in Appendix 4 for some ideas. Try to vary
your activities (a kiss and a compliment every day could get a little
boring). Don’t make them too difficult – use many, small caring acts
that only take a minute or two, and a few that need more effort. You
can make your plans separately, or you can use the list to talk about
the ways you would each like the other to show they care.

Improving communication
Title
After a diagnosis of cancer, there are various reasons that couples
may not connect as well as before. For example, one partner may
feel that if they talk about their real feelings this may upset the other
partner. The idea that you always have to ‘think positively’ may also
close the door on sharing natural concerns, leaving each of you
alone with your worries. Good communication during the challenges
of cancer can bring about a deep sense of connection. It can help
you to better understand and support one another. Think about times
in the past when you really felt that you were connecting with your
partner – the chances are that you were communicating well and
sharing with each other.
Sometimes it can be hard to know where to start, so it can help to

take some time to think about what you really want to say. Rather
than diving into complex issues, it can be better to begin with
small, less difficult topics as a way of opening the door to deeper
conversations. You may find that talking about how you think and
feel will encourage your partner to open up as well. You can also let
your partner know that you are open to discussing difficult topics
and suggest setting up a time to talk as a way to begin. Identify a
time for the conversation that is likely to suit you both – don’t wait
for the ‘right’ time, it may never come. It can be as simple as saying,
“There’s something I want to talk to you about. It’s important. I
know things have been busy but let’s make a time when we can talk
properly.”
During the conversation, it is important to limit distractions, so turn

off the television, radio and phone and focus on each other. Try to
talk openly about what is happening and how it affects you and your
relationship; be honest about your thoughts and feelings even if it
is upsetting. If you do not speak honestly with one another, both of

you are forced to try and read each other’s minds – and probably
neither of you will get it right! Listen to each other. It can be difficult
to listen really well if you are thinking about your own response while
your partner is talking. Try to put aside your own thoughts so you can
really listen to your partner – tune in to try to understand what your
partner is saying and why. It’s really useful to check with your partner
that you have accurately understood them – if you have, they’ll feel
good to have been heard; if not, they have the chance to clarify the
misunderstanding.
Good communication involves both speaking well and listening

well. In addition to using the general tips outlined above, see if you
can improve your skills as a speaker (i.e. getting the right message
across), and as a listener (i.e. listening and showing understanding
in the best way possible). Tips for ways to improve your skills as both
a speaker and a listener are included in Appendix 6.
You may find yourself automatically trying to solve problems your

partner raises. Even though you may want to find a way to make
your partner feel better, solving the problem is not as important as
listening and showing that you understand. You can follow-up with
problem-solving together (see page 29) after you have both heard
and understood each other. Trying to solve problems too early can
lead to frustration and conflict.
Importantly, be forgiving and patient. Remember, no one is perfect

and we can let each other down for any number of reasons from
exhaustion to forgetfulness to not understanding or not being aware.
Maintain a gentle and forgiving attitude with one another and do
not expect too much at first. It may take time for you both to feel
confident and comfortable with this more open way of communicating.

Title
Loving and supportive communication is not just about words.
Simply being there, holding hands, smiling, sharing eye contact,
being calm and patient, and showing affection are all important ways
of showing respect, concern and support.
“We always have a kiss and cuddle before we go to sleep.

Sure I miss the sex but it is so much more important to have
that physical contact. ”
“We make a point of walking together in the evenings now. It
is good physical therapy for John but we have also come to
”
enjoy that time that we spend together after dinner.
“Grace made the point that she didn’t want me to solve her
problems, she just wanted to know that I understood what
she was going through. It was hard for me to step back and
”
just listen but that was really what she was after.
“We lose patience with each other pretty quickly during

treatment week. The best way that we have found to deal
with issues is to put them on ice and talk about them when
we are not feeling quite as tired or distracted. And often
we can’t even remember what the problem was in the first
place. ”
“Sam is a different person now. He tells me that he loves
me and he doesn’t take me for granted. I make sure that
I remember to tell him all the things that he does that
help me. ”

Solving problems together
A structured approach to solving problems can give you both an extra
tool to use to improve communication and your efforts to work together.
This approach can be used to tackle difficulties that arise as you face the
challenges of cancer, and also problems in your relationship.
Steps for successful problem-solving and a problem-solving worksheet

can be found in Appendix 5. These explain how to use a simple method
that helps to ensure you’ve thought about all the possible ways you could
go about solving a particular problem, and the likely outcomes. Using this
approach together as a couple can bring particular benefits:
Increased understanding: Discussing the problem together in more

depth may reveal other issues underlying it.
Less blame: It can be natural to think a problem could be solved

if only our partner would change. Thinking about the problem as
a difficulty you have as a couple can help take the blame off one
another.
Better brainstorming: Thinking of as many solutions is more

effective with two heads.
Considering all possible outcomes: You are less likely to overlook

possible outcomes – good and bad, long-term as well as short-term –
by working together.
Committing to the solution: Both you and your partner are more likely
to commit to the agreed option if you have both been involved in the
discussions (rather than feeling the decision has been imposed).
Feeling connected: Solving problems for your partner may come

from good intentions but may not be their preferred solution. Working
together is more likely to encourage connection and closeness.
Although a structured approach may take a little more time and effort,
it can bring positive returns such as better mutual understanding and
closeness which, in turn, will help your relationship generally.

Maintaining intimacy
Title
Treatments for cancer can affect how a person feels about their body
and their ability or desire for lovemaking. This may come about as
the direct result of physical changes caused by surgery or radiation
therapy. Other treatments such as chemotherapy or hormone therapy
may create sexual difficulties by lowering libido (desire) or causing
vaginal dryness (in women). Fatigue or feeling unwell due to cancer
or cancer treatments can also reduce sexual desire, as can the
general stress of coping with cancer.
The ability to function sexually is something that we may take for

granted, so it can be hard to imagine what life might be like if this
changed. Sex can mean pleasure and excitement, a way to relax
and reduce tension, and a way of feeling close to each other. It can
also be an important part of how someone feels about themselves
as a man or woman. Sudden changes in your ability to perform or
respond sexually can therefore lead to a deep sense of loss.
Physical changes, such as the effects of surgery, scarring, hair loss,

or weight gain/loss, may affect how attractive or desirable a person
feels. Some people may fear that their partner will find them less
attractive or love them less if their appearance changes or they are
not able to respond in the same way sexually. This is not likely to be
true, especially for couples who have been together for many years
and have a shared life together with family, friends, and common
interests. While this can be difficult to talk about, it is likely that you
are both worried about the impact of cancer on your physical and
emotional intimacy. Talking with your partner about each other’s
concerns can help with your fears and prevent distance forming
in the relationship. Also, remember that hugs, kisses, and general
affection go a long way in showing love, creating closeness, and
reassuring one another.

Some of the most common traps that couples fall into that can
increase sexual difficulties include:
Too high expectations leading to performance anxiety, making

sex more difficult and less enjoyable.
Focusing on performance – a focus on achieving sexual

penetration and/or orgasm rather than focusing on mutually
satisfying sexual closeness and/or intimacy can be frustrating
and unfulfilling.
Failing to communicate – although it can be a difficult topic, not

talking about sexual problems is a recipe for creating distance,
resentment, and insecurity.
While there are no simple solutions to sexual problems, the following

tips can help you on your way to improving your sexual relationship:
Talk to your partner openly about how you are feeling. It may
help to have this discussion outside the bedroom when you
are feeling less vulnerable. Discuss how the cancer or cancer
treatments have affected desire for intimacy or ability to respond
sexually. This will help to clear up misunderstandings and help
you to better support one another and work out ways to stay
intimate.
Let your partner know how much you care. Consider telling them
how much they mean to you, how important the relationship is to
you, and how you want to work it out together.
Change your expectations: Sexual function may change as a

result of cancer. Resisting these changes won’t make them go
away, but will leave you wishing things would go back to the way
they were, and being sadly disappointed. Alternatively you can
accept that changes have occurred and adjust your expectations
– this will help you make the most of your sexual relationship and
find creative alternatives.

Title
Focus on enjoying each other in ways that don’t involve
intercourse. Recognise that intimacy is more than just sexual
intercourse. This can involve cuddling, massage, or more
intimate contact but without pressure to “perform”. Being
imaginative about the use of dim lighting, nice sheets, or sexy
clothing can help with self-consciousness or discomfort about
physical changes such as scars.
Try looking at changes as challenges to be solved together.

Try not to let sexual difficulties be one person’s problem or
something that comes between you. Being creative in problem
solving can help you to find new ways of being intimate that you
are both happy with.
There is information that may help you and your partner enjoy
a satisfying, intimate relationship despite physical changes or
difficulties. Your doctor can advise you about using aids and
medications, and can also refer you and your partner to other health
professionals who specialise in the management of sexual problems.
Sex after treatment may be different. However with the right advice
and some patience and effort, it is possible for couples to find ways
to continue a satisfying sex life. Sources of further information are
listed below.
Sex after Treatment (Prostate Cancer)

Cancer Council Queensland www.qldcancer.org.au
Sexuality for the Woman with Cancer
American Cancer Society www.cancer.org
Sexuality for the Man with Cancer
American Cancer Society www.cancer.org
Information is also available on the Macmillan Cancer Support
website www.cancerbackup.org.uk

“I felt really hurt when we stopped having cuddles in bed. I
mean I knew that sex was an issue but that didn’t mean we
couldn’t enjoy a cuddle. I started to think that maybe he no
longer found me attractive, didn’t feel the same way. It was a
form of self-protection to start going to bed at different times
but it felt so lonely and put more distance between us. ”
“I still struggle a bit when it comes to sex. It’s getting better but
it is not the same, that’s a loss. But my partner and I work at it,
and in some ways we are even closer now. ”
“Alison was very self-conscious at first and didn’t want me to
see the scars – she was scared I’d find her unattractive. So
we got round it by her wearing pretty underwear until she felt
more comfortable. Now she believes me when I say I love
her, battle-scars and all.”

Managing conflict
Title
Conflict can emerge in a relationship during times of stress and
unfortunately this can be when everyone involved is most in need
of support. Several factors may contribute to conflict, including
increased stress and difficulty dealing with strong emotions. In the
struggle to handle these, some people may ‘close up’ and withdraw
from those close to them; others may react by directing emotional
anger at those around them.
Conflict doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of caring – the person may

care very much but be hampered by difficult feelings. However,
the misunderstandings that result can make it hard to feel close
to someone and to believe they care. Disagreements are not
necessarily a problem – what matters most is how we handle them
so that they don’t go on to damage our relationships. To prevent this,
it is important to take the time to work out what is happening and
to agree on better ways to deal with it. Some ideas that people find
helpful include:
Take your time; don’t try to solve the problem too quickly. Also, take
one step at a time – focus only on the immediate issue at hand.
Take turns to listen and to speak. Hear your partner out, and ask
your partner how they are feeling. Let them know how you feel
about what they have said. Use good communication skills (see
the Improving Communication section in this booklet).
Make a time to talk (in private with no distractions) that suits

you both.

Allow each other the chance to be fully heard (without
interrupting) before trying to solve the issue.
Notice if things start to get heated and work together to

keep things calm.
Keep it balanced – remember the positives not just the problems.
Really listen – and feed back what you think the other person
is trying to say so they feel heard and know you understand
(not necessarily agree with) their point of view.
Seek solutions that respect each other’s differences.
Have realistic expectations of your partner and their ability

to meet your needs.
Agree in advance to stop the discussion if it becomes destructive.
If necessary, make a time to try again after a cooling-off period.
Remember, all couples experience differences and difficulties from

time to time, especially during times of stress. It can help to remind
yourself that the reason you fought was not because your partner
doesn’t care but because you hurt each other. Hanging onto hurt will
make it harder for both of you to move forward, so look for ways to
rebuild trust and show you care. Perhaps you can reach out with hugs
or touch. Or perhaps you can say something to let your partner know
you love them and then let them come around in their own time.

Coping
Title with uncertainty
Into the future
People often look forward to the day that their partner’s treatment
finishes as the light at the end of a long tunnel. It can be a surprise
then to find that the journey still continues even as your partner
enters a phase of recovery and returns to a more normal way of life.
Even though treatment has finished, your partner may experience
its ongoing effects which, in turn, can make recovery more difficult.
People are often surprised and frustrated at the level of fatigue that
may continue in the weeks after treatment. Your partner’s physical
recovery may take some months, possibly as long as the treatment
lasted. There may also be other effects such as hormone changes
from ongoing treatment, or body changes as a result of surgery or
radiation. Both you and your partner may find this period confusing,
possibly with feelings of frustration, anger and grief that are natural in
a situation where things have changed and you need time to adjust
to these changes.
Rather than the expected period of relief and normality, you may find
that your partner still feels anxious – perhaps even more anxious
than he/she did during treatment. Without the demands of treatment,
your partner finally has time to absorb the reality and implications of
what they have been through. It is therefore not unusual for others
(sometimes partners and often family or friends) to be ready and able
to move forward more rapidly than the person who has had cancer.
This mismatch can then lead to your partner feeling misunderstood
and isolated in their experience. It is also not uncommon for patients
and partners to miss the regular contact with the treatment team and
the reassurance that everything is being done to keep the cancer

from coming back. Without a medical team around for support, it can
feel like being ‘out on your own’, and this feeling of coping on your
own can be heightened if you and your partner feel as though you
are not working together as a team.
You and your partner may find that the people closest to you are
less available to you for support. They may assume that everything
is ‘over’ and ‘back to normal’ and may expect you both to be feeling
on top of things without understanding the on-going challenges you
may be facing. As well as getting less practical support, there may be
less emotional support, with advice such as “be positive”. Although
this is a well-meaning response, it may be out of sync with how you
and/or your partner are feeling and shuts off opportunities to express
feelings and work through natural fears and concerns.
For both you and your partner, increased anxiety – often related
to cancer reminders – will be a feature of the weeks and months
following the end of treatment. Cancer reminders can take any shape
but commonly include follow-up medical visits, the anniversary of an
important date (e.g., the date of diagnosis), new aches or physical
symptoms, learning of someone else’s diagnosis with cancer, or
media reports about cancer. You and your partner may respond to
these reminders in a range of ways – from mild discomfort, irritability,
or physical tension, to anxiety/distress, and sleeplessness.
At these times you may start to feel you are not coping or are moving
backwards. Be reassured, these are completely normal responses to
coming to terms with a very difficult life event.

Title
The end of treatment can be a difficult and confusing time, and give
rise to many conflicting emotions. Just knowing that this transition
can be difficult can help you have more realistic expectations, allow
yourself time, and make a plan to help yourself through this period.
“Finishing treatment was really hard. We’d focused so hard

on reaching this moment, but when it came nothing was as
we’d expected. We thought we should be able to just pick
up where we’d left off before but this was totally unrealistic.
My partner was still dealing with the impact of having cancer
and how to move forward from that. It’s taken time and
understanding – from myself and others – to adjust and feel
comfortable with the changes.
”
“I feel a little bit afraid of planning for the future; I just want to
focus on what we have here now.”
“Before I could only cope with the uncertainty by filling up

my life, always keeping busy. I now know that the anxiety is
normal and it can come and go without me having to try to
push it away. ”
“We speak positively about the future because that is how we
choose to manage. It doesn’t mean that we don’t have the
odd worrying moment, we can talk about those things too. ”

A time of transition
It is helpful to think of this period as a time of transition for you and
your partner – of moving from one stage in your lives (pre-cancer
and cancer treatment) to another stage (after cancer). Making this
transition takes time. The more difficult the cancer experience was
for you both, the longer the transition to life after cancer may take.
It is a time of coming to terms with the changes brought about by
cancer for you, your partner, and your relationship. It may have
affected your future – your plans and goals both as a couple and
as individuals – and require learning to live with greater uncertainty.
Use this time of transition to look after yourself well and recover your
physical and mental stamina. Allow time and space for ‘reflection’
– times when you can let your thoughts and feelings come and go
without feeling like you have to do anything to change them. Now
may not be the best time to make any life-changing decisions; if
possible, wait until you both have had more time to adjust to the
changes brought by cancer. In the meantime, you may want to
plan for some short or medium-term goals, like taking a holiday, or
returning to activities you had stopped, now that cancer treatment
has finished.
In time, most people find they are less preoccupied with worrying
thoughts. In the meantime, remind yourself that it is a normal part of
moving forward to experience fear and uncertainty from time to time.
Some ideas to help you manage living with uncertainty include:
Seek medical reassurance: If your partner continues to

be worried by any signs or symptoms, is very distressed,
or has continuing medical difficulties, see your GP for help
or reassurance.
Acceptance: The future is always uncertain – when we make

plans, we don’t usually acknowledge this fact. A cancer
experience makes this more confronting. Learning to tolerate
uncertainty, and living fully despite it, can help you move forward.

Finding direction: (see section on page 42) Focusing on what is
Title

most important to you may help to guide you forward.
Balanced thinking: Rather than using energy to constantly push

away frightening thoughts, set aside time to deal with them or to
acknowledge that they are there and that they are just thoughts.
This will help you feel less overwhelmed.
Focus on the here and now: When something triggers fear or

anxiety, bring your attention back to the here and now. Use slow
breathing or relaxation strategies to stay calm and cope with
difficult feelings.
Talk it over: Discussing your feelings with someone else

can help restore your perspective, as well as helping them to
understand how you’re feeling.
Pace yourself: This transition stage is still part of the journey

and it will take time to work out the way forward. Give yourself
(and your partner) permission to take each day, week and month
at a time.
Remember, also, that there are many people who have had a similar
experience and understand how you are feeling. Your doctor, Cancer
Council Queensland’s website or the Cancer Council Helpline (see
next page) may also be able to help you find out more about sources
of information and support available to you.

Further information can be obtained from the
Cancer Council Helpline on 13 11 20 or Cancer Council
Queensland’s website: www.cancerqld.org.au.
“Getting through cancer was one of the hardest things we’ve

faced together. Even several years down the track now, there
are still times when my partner feels worried. But you know,
overall I think our life is great, we appreciate our family and
friends more and enjoy life. I do think that after cancer the
goal posts change, and you get more focussed on the things
that really matter. That’s one choice we do have. ”

Finding
Title direction
Accepting that you are in a time of transition allows you time
and space – both individually and as a couple – to review your
direction, the goals you had set, and whether these are still
important or may need to be revised. Focusing on what gives
your life meaning and what is most important to you now may
lead you to experience life in a new and more satisfying way.
Coping with cancer often leads to disruption of a family’s normal
activities and routines. This may mean that some activities or
hobbies have had to be postponed. Returning to the things you value
as soon as is practical can be beneficial for your long term health
and well-being. You may want to reconsider aspects of your lifestyle.
It is all too easy in a busy world for the demands of work, family, and
children to take up most of our available time, attention and energy.
Over time, this may mean that other important parts of our lives and
relationship are neglected. Some beneficial activities and the reasons
that they are often neglected include:
Exercise – finding the time, motivation, or freedom from other

responsibilities to engage in regular physical activity is often
challenging.
Diet – Limited time and motivation to shop, prepare and eat

healthy food can lead to less nutritious choices.
Time out – Demands on our time can lead to limited opportunities

for relaxation or personal space, which can increase tension.
Communication – Limited time and opportunity for

communication, especially when dealing with difficult topics, can
lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and loss of closeness.
Shared couple/family activities – Extra demands on time and

energy, particularly during cancer treatment, can limit shared
activities and opportunities for respite, fun, and closeness.

Social support – Reduced opportunities or energy to see friends
may mean less chance for respite/fun, emotional release,
communication, and/or extra help.
Spirituality – Moving through cancer diagnosis and treatment

with your partner may cause you to question your beliefs or to
not make time for prayer, meditation or contemplation.
Neglecting these important activities can cause us to become stuck

in a worsening cycle of stress and reduced wellbeing, leaving us
feeling overstretched, dissatisfied and frustrated. Handling any extra
demands and/or changes becomes ever more difficult and you are at
risk of becoming physically and emotionally drained.
It may be useful for you and your partner to work out a plan of action
together based on:
What is most important in your lives?
Your agreed priorities and goals in these important areas.
Your individual and shared commitment to safeguard these

priorities even in times of high stress and demands.
You won’t realise the distance you’ve walked until you take a
look around and realise how far you’ve been. Unknown
Deciding what matters

It can be helpful to spend some time thinking about what is really
important to both you and your partner, and what you as a couple
value most in life. These ‘values’ provide a guide – a direction or path
to follow. An important point to note is that a value is not a goal to
be accomplished – although there may be many goals along the way

(see below). A value is like a compass setting, a constant star
Title
or lighthouse that helps you steer in a consistent direction. An
example of a value might be supporting each other through difficult
times. Or you might value your approach to family/parenting – being
available to your children and being the best parents you can be.
Identifying what is important to you helps to clarify what gives purpose

and meaning to your life together. It can also highlight the impact that
cancer may be having on things that are important to you, for example
whether you have stopped doing things that you value.
When you neglect or get side-tracked from your values, you can feel
stressed, frustrated or lost. Once you are clear about what matters
most to you, it is easier to identify your priorities and establish goals as
a couple that will enable you to include meaningful activities in your life
despite the obstacles that cancer might put in the way. For example,
you may identify that doing enjoyable things together is an important
value (i.e. gives your life meaning, helps you feel connected, helps
you cope with stress), and that cancer/treatment has reduced your
enjoyable time together. You are then able to work out if you can do
anything to change this, such as putting 10 minutes aside every day
for a cup of tea together no matter what else is happening.
A guide to identifying values and goals is included in Appendix 7.
Think of your values as a lighthouse, and you as the captain

of a ship. The lighthouse helps to guide you on your journey,
even when it’s dark and a storm is raging.
Setting realistic goals

It is useful to put your values, and the activities they involve, in order
of priority. This will highlight the things that are most important so
that you can focus your precious time and energy on them. It may be
that your current circumstances simply do not allow you to manage

your life as before. However, if a value (for example, ‘looking after
my health’) is important enough, you may need to work out new
ways of meeting that value.
Work together as a couple to agree on priorities, and find new and

manageable ways of meeting them if required. To give yourself the
best chance of success, make sure the goals you set are realistic.
Doing even small amounts of the things you value (for example,
pleasant outings, activities with children/grandchildren, gardening,
music, time to meditate or just ‘chill’) is helpful and can sustain
your ability to cope over the long term.
Values guide us on our journey, and Goals keep us moving.

M. McKay et al (2010)
Committing to action
Staying focused on your values strengthens your commitment to
the goals you set for yourself. To stay motivated, remind yourself
that your actions are in line with the values that maintain the quality
of your life. This can also help you stay on track when the going
gets tough (the right road is not always the easy one).
When you are working out your new goals, it is useful to consider
what practical, family, or other issues may interfere with them. If
you identify possible obstacles in advance, and work out ways of
overcoming them, you are more likely to be successful in reaching
your goals. The section on Solving Problems Together (page 29)
may provide some helpful strategies.
As your circumstances are likely to change over time, you will need
to be flexible about revising your plans as necessary. Again, your
values can be a guide to finding new ways to stay on track despite
any difficulties you may encounter along the way.
Life usually does change after cancer – it may be different but it

can be good again, sometimes even better than before.

Special
Title issues
Helping children cope
At a time when your own emotions may be in turmoil, it can be
hard to know how much to tell your children about what is
happening. It is natural to want to protect your children from
worry and distress. However, with sensitivity and support, children
can cope well with difficult times. In fact, trying to keep what is
happening a secret can cause more problems. Even very young
children can sense when something is wrong, and their imaginations
may well create fears that are much worse than the reality. They may
also hear upsetting or inaccurate information from other people.
Trying to hide the facts can cause them to feel hurt and isolated,
unable to bring up the subject at home and cut off from one of their
best sources of support, their parents.
Before you tell your children about the cancer, it can be helpful for
you and your partner to work out together how you will deal with
this as parents and a family. This is likely to include what you want
your children to know, what treatment will involve, how you will try
to keep family routines as normal as possible, and what changes
can be expected. As a way to increase the support network for your
children, it may also be useful to tell other significant people in your
children’s lives what is happening and/or enlist their help. These
people may include extended family, people in the school community
such as teachers or other parents, sports coaches, neighbours,
and so on. However, it is advisable to ask these adults to manage
this information sensitively. It’s also important to ask each of your
children who they would like to have on their support team. Under
your leadership as parents, your family can continue working as a
team with your children feeling secure and involved.

Exactly how you talk to your children will depend on their ages and
personalities. Some general guidelines include:
Pick a time and place when you can easily get their attention and
have time to talk.
Use short, simple sentences to explain the basic facts. Find out
what they already know about cancer, don’t overload them, invite
questions and check for fears hidden behind the questions. It
can also be important to tell young children that the cancer is not
their fault.
Be open and honest, hopeful but realistic.
Reassure them about their welfare and tell them about any
changes to their normal routines. Involve them in how you intend
to handle the situation, including who they may wish to tell (or
not to tell).
Be available – your children may need time to think about what

you have told them, and things will change over time, so let them
know they can come to you if anything worries or upsets them.
Don’t push them to talk about it further if they don’t want to.
Tune in and really listen at other times (for example, bedtime,

games, art, reading) to pick up on how they are feeling.
Let them know that it is ok for them to still have fun and to
engage with their normal activities – this can help children feel
safe, more optimistic and assists them to cope.
Finally, have confidence in your abilities – you know your children

best.

More detailed information and advice can be found in the following
Title
publication:
When a parent has cancer: How to talk to your kids – A guide

for parents with cancer, their family and friends (booklet).
Cancer Council New South Wales. Telephone 13 11 20.
www.cancercouncil.com.au.
There may still be times when you feel you need professional advice
and this may be provided by a school counsellor, psychologist or
counsellor, social worker, or a member of your treatment team.
The Cancer Council Queensland’s Cancer Counselling Service

is available to assist people affected by a diagnosis of cancer.
This service can be accessed in Queensland by calling the
Cancer Council Helpline on 13 11 20 (toll free).
Being a carer as well as a partner

Sometimes the effects of cancer or the treatment may mean that
your partner requires a much higher level of care than usual and you
may find yourself in a very different role within the relationship – not
only a partner but also a carer. A carer is someone who helps and
supports a person through an illness or disability, usually providing
much more practical support, for example, coordinating medical
appointments, taking over the running of the house, providing your
partner with assistance with their daily activities such as bathing or
dressing, preparing food, or advocating on their behalf within the
medical system. You may feel that becoming a carer for your partner
is a natural extension of your relationship. Alternatively, you may
feel that being a carer is just something you have to do or ‘should’
do. Being a carer can be a very different role and it can take some

time for both partners to adjust to the new dynamics in your
relationship, particularly if your partner has previously been very
independent. Adjusting to these new demands and changes
can feel as if you are on an emotional rollercoaster ride and it’s
important for you to know that feeling afraid, angry, frustrated,
lonely, guilty, tired or stressed are all normal in this situation.
Caring for someone with cancer is not always easy – it can be

exhausting and daunting. Sometimes focusing on the value of
caring can help you to cope with these new demands. Some of
the rewards of caring can include learning new skills, being able
to demonstrate your love and commitment, strengthening your
relationship and gaining a sense of satisfaction from being able to
help your partner when they need you most.
Carers sometimes need extra support to continue to provide care

to their loved one over the long term. This may be provided by
other family members or friends. One of the options that may also
be available to you is respite care. This allows you to have a break
whilst your partner is cared for, either in your own home or in a care
facility. Respite care can be provided for a few hours, overnight, or
a few days and it provides the opportunity for you to have some
time out to look after yourself – for example, you might need to
catch up on sleep, attend a medical appointment of your own, or
visit friends or family. Some carers feel uncomfortable and even
guilty about taking time out and leaving their partner in the care
of someone else. However, taking a break to safeguard your
own health and wellbeing means that you can continue to care
effectively for your partner for as long as you need to.
Carers need to be aware that an ACAT (Aged Care Assessment

Team) assessment will be required for admission to respite. This
may take some months to organise so it is important to arrange the
assessment in plenty of time.

Carers Associations exist in each territory and state to provide
Title
carers with information, support and advice. You can contact
the Carer Advisory Service Centre on 1800 242 636 for help with
referrals, counselling, support and resources on a wide range of
topics, or visit the website http://www.carersaustralia.com.au/.
Also, Commonwealth Respite and Carelink Centres help to locate

respite options in your local community and provide a one-stop
shop for resources on community care and support services. They
also offer a 24-hour emergency respite service. You can call them
to find out about eligibility and services available on 1800 052 222
or visit their website at www.commcarelink.health.gov.au.
Fertility
Sadly, some treatments for cancer can lead to permanent
infertility or there may be uncertainty about the possibility
of having children after treatment. If you have not started or
completed your family, this realisation can come as a shock.
For some people, not being able to have children is devastating,
involving losses of future hopes and plans. Infertility can also
cause some people to feel differently about themselves as a
woman or man, with other physical changes (such as early
menopause, hormonal changes) adding to these feelings.
In the early days, when you are still dealing with the shock
of diagnosis and fears for your future, it can be hard to think
about issues such as fertility. However, if this is something that
is important to you, then it is essential to discuss it with your
doctors before cancer treatment starts. In some cases, there may
be options to try to preserve fertility using techniques to store
eggs, ovarian tissue, embryos, or sperm for future use. Even if
this turns out not to be possible, knowing that you have explored
the possibilities is likely to make a positive difference to how you
feel later.

Although chemotherapy and radiation therapy may reduce fertility,
you and your partner should be aware that conception may still be
possible. If either partner is receiving treatment, it is important to
seek medical advice about the possibility of pregnancy. Treatments
can affect an unborn child and can also damage the patient’s ova/
sperm. You may be advised to wait for a period of time before trying
to conceive (which may be from 3 months to 2 years depending on
the cancer site and treatment). Talk to your doctor immediately if you/
your partner become pregnant.
If you need advice about fertility issues, talk to your GP or specialist

or ask about referral to a fertility specialist or counsellor. Other
sources of information and support can be obtained from the
Cancer Council Helpline.
“When you’re in the middle of it, the possibility of not having

children is the least of your worries – you just want your
partner to survive. Later it hit me like a sledgehammer – all
our plans, everything we’d taken for granted about having a
‘normal’ life. Today, I can accept that there is more than one
‘normal’ and that we have many opportunities to make life
meaningful. It hasn’t been easy, but we’re starting to see, and
even feel excited about, new prospects ahead. ”

Cancer Council Helpline on 13 11 20

When the outlook is poor
Title
News that your partner has a cancer that is advanced can be
devastating and very frightening. It is worth remembering that,
although the cancer may not be curable, there may be treatments
that can slow the disease and/or help to manage symptoms. You
need not fear that you will have to cope alone. There are services
available to support you and your partner now and during times
to come. Even when cancer is not curable, palliative care services
provide active treatments to control symptoms and pain. As well as
medical care, they may also provide practical, social and emotional
support (such as dietary advice, equipment loan, physiotherapy,
occupational therapy, counselling, social work services, spiritual
support, and bereavement support) to both your partner, you and
your family. Palliative care can be provided either at home or in
a health facility (such as a hospice) depending on your partner’s
needs, preference, and the home environment. Ultimately, the aim of
palliative care is to help your partner experience a good quality of life
for as long as possible. Therefore, an early referral to palliative care
can make the most of their extensive experience, reducing your and
your partner’s concerns, boosting your confidence, and allowing a
smooth relationship to develop that will provide appropriate support
to you and your partner as you need it.
You are likely to have many concerns, such as dealing with practical
issues and potential loss and grief, which are outside the scope of
this booklet. Details of further sources of information and support
that may help you with these issues are available through the Cancer
Council Helpline and website and the Palliative Care Helpline.

For information about palliative care and support
in Queensland, call the Palliative Care Helpline on
1800 772 273 (9.00am-5.00pm Monday to Friday).
The service can also be accessed via the website:
www.palliativecarehelpline.org.au and email:
info@palliativecarehelpline.org.au

Cancer Council Helpline on 13 11 20 or Cancer Council
Queensland’s website: www.cancerqld.org.au.

Appendices
Title
Appendix 1
Ideas for supporting your partner
Ask your partner to tick any of the items below that would help to
support them (including those things you already do that they would
like you to keep doing).
m Discuss important decisions about my treatment with me
m Listen to me talk about my feelings
m Ask me how I’m feeling
m Express an understanding of my mood and feelings
m Tell me that you love me just the way I am
m Give me words of encouragement
m Don’t avoid talking to me about the tough things
m Don’t try and solve my problems
m Tell me how YOU are feeling
m Help me with the shopping
m Help out with the kids
m Make me a cup of tea
m Exercise with me or encourage me to exercise
m Keep me company
m Take care of me if I feel unwell

m Give me some time alone
m Take messages or return phone calls for me
m Help me to think of and talk about other

things besides cancer
m Speak positively about the future
m Cheer me up with your sense of humour
m Rub my feet/shoulders or back
m Take me on an outing
m Give me hugs
m Please accept there are some decisions

I need to make on my own
m ________________________________________________
________________________________________________
m ________________________________________________
________________________________________________
m ________________________________________________
________________________________________________

Appendix 2
Title
Relaxation exercises
There are many different relaxation techniques. Most of these involve
one or more of the following components: slow breathing, muscle
relaxation or mental relaxation. These can be done individually or one
after the other, as shown below.
Slow breathing:
Take a long, slow breath in and then let the air out slowly and
gently…….. feel your whole body relax.
Take another long slow breath in, and allow the air to travel deep
into your lungs …….. filling from the base …...... feeling your
abdomen and lower ribs expanding. As you breathe out, listen to
the sound of your breath.
Continue to breathe with a slow steady rhythm, drawing the

breath deep into your lungs, expanding the ribs and abdomen
…….. and then letting it out slowly, hearing the sound of your
breath.
Feel your body relaxing further with each breath, breathing in

energy …….. and breathing out tension …….. and, with each
exhalation say the word “relax” silently to yourself, as you
become more and more calm.
[If ending your relaxation at this point: take your own time… start
to become aware of your surroundings… ]

Muscle relaxation:
gently …….. feel your whole body relax.
Starting at the top of your head, imagine a warm gentle wave of

relaxation begin to travel down over you. As this wave passes
down, feel the tension in your muscles easing away. This wave is
moving slowly down your face, neck and then to your shoulders...
feel them relax as you slowly breathe in …….. and out ……..
The wave of relaxation continues down your back… chest…
arms…hands… tummy… upper legs… lower legs… and feet…
You feel your whole body relaxing and letting go. Every muscle
in your body feels free of tension.
[If ending your relaxation at this point: In your own time…

start to become aware of your surroundings…]
Mental relaxation (visualisation):

gently …….. feel your whole body relax.
Close your eyes, and picture yourself in a favourite place ……..

It might be on a beach, by a river or in a forest… Notice the sights
around you, see the scene in vivid colour, and imagine the sounds
you would hear… Notice the smells… The image is clear and
alive. Imagine how it would feel to be there… Let yourself relax…
Now enjoy this place for a few moments… Breathe in slowly
and deeply…
When you’re ready… start to become aware of your surroundings

and slowly return to your normal activities with a feeling of
relaxation…

Appendix 3
Title
Support map
The diagram on the next page can be used to help identify the
important people in your family’s life. When completed, it clearly
shows how much support you have at present and how much further
support might be available that you are not currently accessing.
The circles indicate how close people are to your family, while the
different quarters of the circle identify that person’s role.
To use the diagram:
Put the names of your closest family members in the white circle
in the middle.
Put the names of other people who are currently supporting

your family in the yellow circle – people who know you or your
family well and are willing to help in various ways (e.g., emotional
support, practical aid, communicating with others).
Put the names of people who are potential supports in the outer
blue circle: that is, people who have a relationship with your
family and could be willing to help out but have not yet made
an offer to help/provide support.
On the outside of the circle, put the names of other people or

organisations who could possibly be a new source of support
if you made/renewed contact with them.
Think about how you could use the information on your map.
For example you may decide to:
List the ways in which each person on your map provides

support for you and your family.
Think about how you could strengthen existing relationships

with those on your map. Consider asking them to support you.

Consider whether you would like to build up your support network
and link your family with new (or out-of-touch) supports. How
could you go about doing this?
Service
providers Community
Friends Family
Based on ‘Make a Difference, A Guidebook for Person-Centred Direct Support’.

John O’Brien and Beth Mount. Inclusion Press 2007.

Appendix 4
Title
Ideas to show you care
Say “I love you”
Give a tender kiss, not just a peck on the cheek
Take a walk together
Reach out to hold hands
Put a love note in your partner’s lunch box/ wallet/on their pillow
Do something your partner has asked for
Give your partner a cuddle
Bring home some flowers
Call during the day to let your partner know you are thinking
of them or to say something romantic
Tell your partner how much you appreciate the things they do
Spend time with your partner’s friends
Make an unexpected cup of tea or coffee and take it to
your partner
Plan an activity that your partner likes, even if it is not your
favourite. Then enjoy it!
Give your partner a back rub or foot massage
Rent a movie and watch it together or go to the movies together
Wear something special just to please your partner
Write down your thoughts and feelings about your partner
in a letter or special card
Have a shower together
Make love in a way you know they will like
Make a nice dinner

Appendix 5a
Steps for successful problem solving
To start, make a list of all the challenges you are facing.
Put the problems into order – list those that need immediate
attention first followed by those that can wait for now.
If a problem feels huge or overwhelming, break it down into

smaller problems. For example, coping with treatment may
involve a) sorting out transport, b) arranging childcare and meals,
c) organising time off work, and d) managing financial difficulties.
Brainstorm: Take your most urgent problem, and list all the
possible options for dealing with it. Make sure you include every
idea, no matter how silly it may seem, as these ideas can lead to
more flexible and creative thinking.
Weigh up the two or three best options: Consider what might

happen if you follow it through – will it help you reach your goal,
who will it affect, how much time and effort will it take? It may
be useful to use a problem-solving worksheet to weigh up the
advantages and disadvantages of each idea (see below).
Decide upon the option or strategy (or combination) that seems

best and then try it out. If it doesn’t work then try your next idea!

Appendix 5b
Title
Problem solving sample worksheet
Using the worksheet with your partner may be a helpful aid in solving
problems together as a couple.
Take some time to relax, calm down and focus clearly on what the
real problem is, then work through the problem using the ABCD
steps below.
STEP NOTES
A. Attitude
Take an optimistic attitude Take a deep breath. Stop and think. There is
no immediate catastrophe – think of this as a
challenge. We can handle this problem.
Acknowledge the problem

State the problem Loss of partner’s income = difficulty meeting
and details commitments = worry/poor sleep/irritability.
What is a reasonable goal? Find ways to balance income/outgoings.
Can I change the situation? Find other sources of income? Reduce

expenses?
OR
Do I need to change Worry less about debt? Or, review our needs
my attitude? and make realistic plans.
B. Brainstorm
Write down ALL your ideas Find ways to reduce payments (talk to bank
and utility companies); tighten budget;
borrow money; do extra work; check
superannuation/long service/insurance(s);
sell house or downsize; sell other goods;
see financial counsellor

C. Consequences
Predict the likely
outcomes of 2 – 4 Will it
of the best ideas: reach
Solution my goal? Pros Cons
Approach bank/utilities Yes Reduces outgoings Has to be paid
about temporary temporarily eventually
reduced payments
Tighten budget Yes Identifies Impacts on lifestyle

unnecessary but temporary
expenditure and
reduces outgoings
Do extra work Yes More income, less Less time at home/

financial worry with partner, more
strain/fatigue, less
time for exercise,
impact on own health
and relationships
See financial Yes Objective, specialist None (use a

counsellor advice about free service,
effectiveness of eg. Lifeline)
ideas plus maybe
new ideas
D. Decide
Decide on your best idea, put it in action, and rate the outcome – either:
You are satisfied with the outcome – congratulate and reward yourself
OR
You are not satisfied with the outcome – don’t give up…try again with your
second choice!
Example
Best idea: See a financial counsellor before we make any fixed decisions.
Outcome: We received advice about reducing mortgage payments, payment plans for
electricity/gas, and spreading regular bill payments over the year. So we can both worry
less, I can take better care of myself and, most importantly, we can spend time together.

Appendix 6
Title
Tips for improving communication skills
As a speaker:
Choose a time to talk when you are not likely to be grumpy or tired. If you
are grumpy or tired you are more likely to become angry or upset, switch
off, or say things you might later regret.
Try to speak honestly about how you feel even if it is difficult. Most
partners say that they prefer to know things even if it makes them a little
upset. More problems are caused by hiding things than by dealing with
them directly.
Think about what you want to say and try to keep it simple and to the
point. This makes it less likely you will be misunderstood.
There are always positive things that you and your partner are doing. If you
can let your partner know what they have done that you like, they will be
less likely to switch off to what you are saying e.g., “I’m really glad that you
let me know what was troubling you”.
To let your partner know what you dislike or what you would like to see
change, state the negatives simply without blame or attack e.g. “I felt as
though I hadn’t done it well enough”.
When sharing how you feel or what you would like, use ‘I-statements’.
Using ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ is a useful skill, especially during conflict. For
example, saying “I feel hurt when you keep things to yourself” is a less
blaming way of expressing your feelings than “You make me so angry
when you don’t even trust me enough to tell me what’s wrong”. Describe
the situation, how you feel and what you would like. For example, “I’ll do
my best to help out but I need you to be more specific about what would
be most useful”.

As a listener:
Pay attention to your partner when they talk. This includes making eye
contact, facing your partner, and removing distractions (put down the
newspaper and turn off the television!).
Be encouraging. Say things like “Mmm hmm”, “Go on”, or “I see” so

that your partner knows that you are interested and listening to what
they are saying.
Notice the feeling/s that you hear or see your partner trying to express.
Often feelings aren’t put into words but will be reflected in how your
partner says things or how they look.
Ask open-ended questions that encourage your partner to speak freely.

Use questions beginning with why, what, when, where and how, e.g. “How
are you feeling?”, “Why is that worrying you?”
Summarise in your own words what you think your partner has said. This
helps your partner to feel understood and gives him/her the opportunity to
correct you if you haven’t got it quite right.
Don’t judge what your partner says. Hear your partner out and put your
own reactions on hold until later. People who have known each other
for many years may feel as if some discussions (even if important) are
no longer worth having as they always seem to end in the same way.
Responding differently to usual ways of communicating can break old
patterns and helps to reach new ground.

Appendix 7
Title
Identifying guiding values
It can be helpful to consider your values, both as an individual
and as a couple, in various areas of your life. Remember that what
gives meaning to you and your partner’s life is likely to be different
from your family, friends or neighbours. Examples of various values
that couples may hold are listed below. Tick those that are most
important to you and your partner as a couple.
Us
m Having a healthy lifestyle m Sharing retirement
m Doing our best for m Focusing on what we have

our children (rather than have not)
m Being the best partner m Finding meaning and

I can be purpose in life
Our Relationship
m Having a close and loving m Making time for fun together
relationship
m Being companions
m Maintaining our individuality
m Solving problems together
m Respecting each other

Our Activities
m Sharing activities m Having some individual time
for my own things
m Making time for friends
m Being adventurous
m Enjoying music, art, drama
m Being part of a community
m Running a business together
m Building a secure future
The following questions can help pinpoint

what you truly value:
m What is important to us? What matters most?
m What sort of partner/couple do I/we want to be?

What sort of relationship do we want to have?
m What qualities do I want to develop as a person?
m How do I/we want to be thought of by others?
m How do I want to live my life? How do we want

to live our life together?

Values versus goals
Title
When you’re thinking about what is important to you, it can be easy to
confuse goals/feelings for values. Goals and feelings are by-products
of living according to the value they represent. For example:
Possible Value (why is the goal

or feeling important; what
Feeling/Goal would it mean)
Being happy; going on holiday Involvement in meaningful
activities
Being rich; having a big house Maintaining financial security/
having an enjoyable lifestyle
Being thin; losing weight Taking care of my appearance
Being fit; joining a gym Having a healthy/active lifestyle
Being loved; getting married Building caring relationships
Cancer is challenging and may alter your lives in the short term and
possibly long term. Knowing what your values are helps you focus
on what gives your life meaning and what is most important to you,
despite the challenges you face. Once you are clear on the things
that matter most to you, you can find ways to bring them into your
daily life and adapt to the changes brought about by cancer.
Remember: A value is constant – it acts as a ‘guiding light’ or

‘compass direction’. When life is difficult or has been altered
by cancer, it is helpful to be guided by the things that are most
important to you.

For information and support call
Monday to Friday, 8am - 6pm
www.cancerqld.org.au
CSSQ5041 11/2012

Partners Guide Coping With Cancer

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A guide for partners of someone with cancer

This booklet is copyrighted by Cancer Council Queensland. All rights

This booklet was written by a team of psychologists in the Cancer

Cancer Council Queensland is a not-for-profit, non-government organisation

Being a partner obviously involves being in a partnership – with

A partner's guide to coping with cancer 1

The impact of diagnosis – a partner’s perspective................................. 4

Maintaining your wellbeing....................................................................... 14

Strengthening your relationship................................................................ 24

Coping with uncertainty............................................................................. 36

2 A partner's guide to coping with cancer

A partner's guide to coping with cancer 3

4 A partner's guide to coping with cancer

You may also experience physical responses to the shock of the

A partner's guide to coping with cancer 5

The Cancer Council Queensland’s Cancer Counselling Service

“When the specialist said the results showed that my partner

6 A partner's guide to coping with cancer

At first, a shift in roles may be difficult for you both, so it is important

A partner's guide to coping with cancer 7

Understanding your reactions

You have probably recognised these differences within your

8 A partner's guide to coping with cancer

Withdrawal: This may include avoiding discussion of cancer-

Over-protection: Sometimes partners or family members do

A partner's guide to coping with cancer 9

Frequent discussions: Either partner may wish to talk about

These reactions can be confusing and cause misunderstandings.

“It’s important to be on the same page and also check in with

10 A partner's guide to coping with cancer

Supporting your loved one

Talking openly and non-defensively together about how to support

Ideas for showing support are provided in Appendix 1.

A partner's guide to coping with cancer 11

Sources of information for finding a specialist

2. Information about medical specialists: Cancer Council

12 A partner's guide to coping with cancer

4. Seeking a second opinion: Anyone, whether under public or

Considerations when deciding to use private

1. Can I access the same specialist in both the public and

2. What level of private health insurance and extras cover do I have?

3. If I do not have private health insurance but I want to use the

4. Is it likely that I will require allied health support that is

A partner's guide to coping with cancer 13

It is okay to put your own needs on hold for short periods of

14 A partner's guide to coping with cancer

Ways to look after yourself and maintain your

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Do things you enjoy: It is important to create spaces for

Accept and deal with difficult feelings: Uncomfortable feelings

16 A partner's guide to coping with cancer

“For me it was so important to talk to one of my good friends

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To effectively manage stress it is important to identify your own

18 A partner's guide to coping with cancer

Relax: Sometimes your changed circumstances make it difficult

You may already have a favourite relaxation exercise you like to

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Deal with unhelpful thoughts: The way we think about a