Sanet - ST TheSolution-focused

‘Ben Furman has done it again – created a step-by-step guide
through the tougher regions of effective parenting. The concept is

elegantly simple: for every challenge that faces a child or young
person, whether it be difficulty sleeping, temper tantrums or
dealing with life’s difficulties, there will be a skill that the child
can learn and with this skill overcome the challenge. The idea is
as practical as it is elegant but to follow it through is not so easy.
What Dr Furman does in this book is teach parents the skill they
need to identify the skills their children need in order to live more
happy and fulfilling lives. These skills are not obvious and need
considerable negotiation between the child and concerned adults:
the child who curses learns the “teddy bear” skill while another,
prone to meltdowns, develops the “helping hand” skill. The key is
not to stop the unwanted behaviour but to replace it with some-
thing new. This may take time, there is no claim to have a “magic
bullet”, but it focuses attention away from the problem (“Don’t do
that!”) to a more positive future (“Remember your new skill!”) This
focus on what is desired rather than on unwanted behaviours is
less stressful and more hopeful for children and parents alike and
anything that makes life easier is to be welcomed! What also makes
life easier is the contents page of the book where Dr Furman’s 50+
detailed examples make finding the page that fits your child very
easy: Nightmares 122, Screen time 134, Shyness, 139 and so on;
almost everything covered and as no child will have more than
a few of these challenges it is a good book to share with friends
whose children also need new skills.’
Chris Iveson, co-founder of BRIEF

London, one of the world’s leading centres
for Solution Focused training
‘A child rearing guide – what a scary term. Fortunately, for Ben
Furman this new book isn’t a child rearing guide, but rather a book
that provides ideas for skills-based parenting from an experienced
teacher and author. The book is good, as one might expect. It con-
cretely covers, among other things, picky eating, low self-esteem,
attention difficulties, tantrums, bullying, anxiety, selective mut-
ism, violence, and divorce. The book also discusses skill-based edu-
cation in schools and how to improve collaboration with students
and parents. There is hardly anyone who would not benefit from
this book, even if they are not a parent, grandparent, or teacher.
And in case you should find Furman’s gentle and explanatory style
somewhat fluffy or unduly optimistic, don’t be alarmed. There is
enough anxiety and pessimism around to warrant the ideas of Dr
Ben Furman.’
Heli Mustonen, freelance journalist,

Finland
THE SOLUTION-FOCUSED PARENT
This practical book presents readers with a skills-based, child rearing approach
to supporting a child’s growth and helping them overcome both minor and
major developmental challenges.
In contrast to conventional approaches to child psychology, this innovative
approach focuses on developing children’s abilities rather than concentrating
on and trying to fix their “problems.” Additionally, instead of blaming caretak-
ers for their child’s challenges, the skills approach offers them the keys with
which they can coach and motivate their children to overcome challenges by
learning required skills. Readers will find it easy to grasp the idea of the skills
mindset through the book’s wealth of eye-opening stories, case examples, and
the author’s personal insights as a psychotherapist, parent, and creator of the
Kids’Skills method. Clear, detailed instructions will help readers immediately
put the ideas into everyday practice with their own children and families.
This book is a must-have, hope-instilling toolbox for anyone involved in the
task of raising a child. Parents, grandparents, teachers, mental health profes-
sionals, and more will find this a valuable resource in ensuring the future suc-
cess of the children in their lives.
Dr Ben Furman is a renowned Finnish psychiatrist, author, and teacher of

solution-focused therapy and coaching. He founded the Helsinki Brief Therapy
Institute in 1986 together with his long-time colleague, Tapani Ahola, where he
and his team have provided training in solution-focused psychology for profes-
sionals ever since.
He has authored more than 30 books about solution-focused psychology,
many of which he has written together with Tapani Ahola. One of his most
well-known books, It’s Never Too Late to Have a Happy Childhood, was published
in 1997 and has been translated into 10 languages.
At the turn of the century, Dr Furman became widely known in his home
country for hosting a psychology talk show on national TV that bore his own
name. The program aired for several years and generated 200 episodes in total.
Dr Furman is an internationally acclaimed teacher of solution-focused ther-
apy. He has spoken and taught in many countries around the world and his
books have appeared in 25 languages.
For more information about Dr Furman, his books, and other products, visit
his website at www.benfurman.com

T HE SOLUTION-F OCUSE D PARE N T
How to Help Children Conquer
Challenges by Learning Skills
Ben Furman

Designed cover image: © Illustration Kai Kujasalo
First published in English 2024
by Routledge
4 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon OX14 4RN
and by Routledge
605 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10158
Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business
© 2024 Ben Furman
The right of Ben Furman to be identified as author of this work has been asserted in
accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilised
in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter
invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or
retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publishers.
Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered
trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation without intent to
infringe.
Ben Furman & Lasten haasteet taidoiksi
Copyright © 2023 Ben Furman
First published in Finland in 2023 by Viisas Elämä
British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Furman, Ben, author.
Title: The solution-focused parent: how to help children conquer
challenges by learning skills/Ben Furman.
Other titles: Ben Furman & lasten haasteet taidoiksi. English
Description: First English edition. | Abingdon, Oxon; New York, NY:
Routledge, 2024. | “First published in Finland as Ben Furman & lasten
haasteet taidoiksi in 2023 by Viisas Elämä”—Title page verso.
Identifiers: LCCN 2023026989 (print) | LCCN 2023026990 (ebook) |
ISBN 9781032564807 (hardback) | ISBN 9781032564791 (paperback) |
ISBN 9781003435723 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Child rearing. | Parenting. | Child development.
Classification: LCC HQ772 .F87 2024 (print) | LCC HQ772 (ebook) |
DDC 649.1—dc23/eng/20230713
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2023026989
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2023026990
ISBN: 9781032564807 (hbk)
ISBN: 9781032564791 (pbk)
ISBN: 9781003435723 (ebk)
DOI: 10.4324/9781003435723
Typeset in Chaparral
by Deanta Global Publishing Services, Chennai, India
CONTENTS
Acknowledgements....................................................................xi
CHAPTER 1. The rhyme stone tale................................................. 3
CHAPTER 2. What is the skills approach?................................... 11

Jasmin, 6-year-old girl........................................................................... 13
CHAPTER 3. How to convert challenges into skills to learn........ 19

Converting challenges into skills is easier said than done................ 20
A better way to handle a challenging situation.................................. 21
A skill describes desired behaviour...................................................... 22
Search for exceptions to the rule.......................................................... 26
Identify the opposite of the problem................................................... 27
Shift focus from explanations to behaviour....................................... 28
CHAPTER 4. How to motivate children to learn skills................ 31

Start by talking with your child about skills that they
have already learned��32
Use “we” instead of “I” messages........................................................... 32
Find out what skill your child wants to learn..................................... 33
Discuss the benefits of learning the skill with your child................. 33
Join your child in learning new skills.................................................. 34
Reinforce your child’s self-confidence................................................. 34
Make sure the skill is not too big......................................................... 35
Ask your child to give a name to the skill........................................... 35
Ask your child to appoint supporters................................................... 35
Encourage your child to have an imaginary supporter, too.............. 36
Plan to celebrate learning the skill....................................................... 36
Help your child come up with a fun way to practise the skill........... 36
Discover diverse ways to praise your child.......................................... 37
Find a way to remind your child of the skill........................................ 37
Offer your child an opportunity to help someone else
learn the skill they have learned�� 38

CHAPTER 5. How to use the skills approach in day-to-day
parenting................................................................. 41
Step 1. Think of your wishes as skills for your child to learn............ 42
Step 2. Explain to your child why the skill is an important one
to learn�� 42
Step 3. Build your child’s confidence.................................................... 47
Step 4. Remind your child in an agreeable manner........................... 49
Step 5. Reinforce your child’s learning................................................ 53
Praise the child verbally............................................................. 54
Praise the child discreetly.......................................................... 54
Praise the child for trying.......................................................... 54
Share the child’s progress with other people........................... 55
Consult the child......................................................................... 55
Ask questions about the child’s progress.................................. 56
Plan to celebrate.......................................................................... 56
Next skill for the child to learn................................................. 58
Use certificates............................................................................. 58
CHAPTER 6. Examples: The skills approach in action................. 61

Selective eating, 4-year-old girl............................................................ 62
Selective eating and pooping in pants, 5-year-old boy...................... 63
Day wetting, 6-year-old boy.................................................................. 65
Refusal to use hearing aid, 7-year-old boy.......................................... 66
Fear of dogs, 7-year-old boy.................................................................. 67
Biting nails, 7-year-old boy................................................................... 69
Low self-esteem, 8-year-old girl........................................................... 71
Cursing, 8-year-old boy......................................................................... 73
Concentration problem, 9-year-old boy............................................... 75
Meltdowns, 9-year-old boy................................................................... 77
Sibling rivalry, 11-year-old girl............................................................. 79
Concentration problem, 12-year-old boy............................................. 82
Interrupting, 12-year-old girl............................................................... 84
Temper tantrum,12-year-old girl......................................................... 86
Gaming addiction, 14-year-old boy...................................................... 89
CHAPTER 7. Children’s challenges from A to Z............................ 93

Attention deficit disorder...................................................................... 94
Bipolar disorder...................................................................................... 95
viii contents
Biting....................................................................................................... 97
Bullying................................................................................................... 98
Your child bullies other children............................................... 98
Other children bully your child................................................. 99
Concentration....................................................................................... 101
Confabulation....................................................................................... 103
Cursing.................................................................................................. 104
Defiance................................................................................................. 105
Depression............................................................................................. 108
Divorce................................................................................................... 109
Fears....................................................................................................... 111
Finger sucking...................................................................................... 112
Hair pulling........................................................................................... 114
Happiness.............................................................................................. 115
Homework............................................................................................. 117
Interrupting.......................................................................................... 119
Low self-esteem.................................................................................... 120
Nail biting.............................................................................................121
Nightmares...........................................................................................122
Obedience..............................................................................................123
OCD....................................................................................................... 124
Overweight............................................................................................129
Perfectionism........................................................................................130
Picky eating........................................................................................... 131
Playing with fire................................................................................... 132
Punishing..............................................................................................133
Screen time...........................................................................................134
Selective mutism..................................................................................136
Self-stimulation.................................................................................... 137
Separation anxiety...............................................................................138
Shouting................................................................................................139
Shyness..................................................................................................139
Sibling rivalry....................................................................................... 140
Sleeping................................................................................................. 142
Your child sleeps in your bed................................................... 142
Child crawls into your bed at night......................................... 143
Soiling.................................................................................................... 144
Tantrums............................................................................................... 146
contents ix
Tics......................................................................................................... 149
Traumatic experiences......................................................................... 151
Unhealthy diet...................................................................................... 152
Violence................................................................................................. 153
Wetting.................................................................................................. 155
Daytime wetting........................................................................ 155
Bedwetting................................................................................. 157
CHAPTER 8. Things to keep in mind...........................................161

Establish a connection with the child first........................................ 162
Make sure the child wants to learn the skill..................................... 162
Make sure the skill is not stopping undesired behaviour................ 164
Make sure the skill is something that the child can do or say�� 164
Make sure there is an agreement about reminding......................... 165
Be prepared for challenges.................................................................. 165
CHAPTER 9. Skills approach in schools......................................167

Collaboration with students............................................................... 168
Collaboration with parents................................................................. 171
Working with the whole class............................................................. 172
Afterword................................................................................ 177
Links and resources................................................................. 178
Index....................................................................................... 181
x contents
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I wish to acknowledge my long-time colleague Tapani with whom

I have developed over the past four decades several applications of
solution-focused psychology and special education teachers Sirpa
Birn and Tuija Terävä (†2022 ) for collaborating with me in developing
the Kids’Skills approach. In addition, I want to thank also Elizabeth
Puller for helping me with English language and my editor Grace
McDonnell at the Taylor and Francis publishing house.

Photo by Leon Liu on Unsplash
1
THE RHYME STONE TALE
DOI: 10.4324/9781003435723-1
M
y intention with this book is to familiarise you with what I
like to call the skills approach to parenting and child-rear-
ing. It is a creative and enjoyable way to facilitate children’s
growth and help them overcome challenges by learning new skills.
The basic idea of the skills approach is easy to grasp, and by the time
you finish reading this book, if you feel that the approach matches
your own values and thinking, you will be able to start putting the
ideas into practice straight away with your own child, or the children
you care for.
Before I go on to explain to you in detail what I mean by the skills
approach and how you can use it with your children, I would like to
start by telling you a tale as an intro to the approach described in the
book. If you are not a great fan of this kind of allegorical story, feel
free to skip the next few pages and start from Chapter 2.
Once upon a time, in a faraway village, strange things had begun to hap-
pen. The children in the village had started to develop all sorts of mysterious
problems. Some children had suddenly become so shy that they were unable
to utter any words, and others had become so irritated that they swung
around aimlessly hitting other people. Some had started to fear things when
there was nothing to be afraid of, and still others had developed peculiar
sticky habits they couldn’t get rid of despite all their parents’ efforts, like
plucking their hair or sucking their fingers..
The elders in the village were summoned to discuss the situation. “We
have to find out what is the cause of this thorny problem,” said one of elders.
This sparked a conversation that lasted for a long time. Soon the entire
village was feverishly deliberating over what was causing the children’s
problems.
At first, villagers suspected that the children’s problems were caused
by poisoned water. For this reason, the villagers started to carry water to
the village all the way from the neighbouring village. However, that didn’t
help. The next suspicion was that the children’s problems were caused by the
children having been frightened about something when they were infants.
Based on this idea, the villagers started to do their utmost to protect the
children from ever getting frightened, but that turned out to be very diffi-
cult because in those days life was hazardous and preventing children from
ever being frightened was practically impossible. Someone came along and
proposed that the children’s many problems were caused by incompetent
4 The solution-focused parent

parenting. It was suggested that for some unknown reason the parents had
lost their ability to raise their children. Based on this idea, the parents were
mandated to take classes where the elders taught them how to properly
raise their children. This, too, soon turned out to be a disappointment. The
elders who taught the parents had so many disagreements about what the
proper way was to raise children that their teaching only added to the vil-
lagers’ confusion.
Villagers kept coming up with new explanations for what might be caus-
ing the children’s problems, but the conundrum remained unsolved. Many
villagers started to suspect that the many explanations that had been gen-
erated had, in fact, made matters worse. They had made the parents in the
village feel blamed for the problems of their children. They had contributed
to sadness and desperation.
When the villagers had been thinking about the children’s problem for
quite some time and the mood of the village had sunk, one of the elders pro-
claimed: “We have done our best to solve this predicament of ours, but we
haven’t succeeded in finding a solution. It is time for us to consult the Wise
Wizard and let her advise us on the matter.”
Three of the elders set out on foot to meet with the wizard. Having trav-
elled a long distance, they arrived in the town where the wizard lived.
“A long time has passed since people from your village last came to con-
sult me for advice,” said the wizard. “What brings you to me this time?”
The elders described their predicament to the wizard and told her about
all the various explanations that the villagers had come up with to account
for the mysterious problems of the children. When they had spoken, the wiz-
ard lowered her gaze, closed her eyes, and appeared to fall asleep. After a
while she opened her eyes again and spoke:
Since the beginning of time

there’s been problems and crime.
Focusing on explanations leads to blaming
which is no more than a road to shaming.
If your aim is problems to eliminate,

you are doomed to stalemate.
To help children back on track
find a skill for them to crack.
The rhyme stone tale 5

When the three elders returned to the village, they asked the stonecutter
to chisel the wizard’s rhyme into a stone that stood at the centre of the vil-
lage. The elders then gathered around the stone to decipher what the wizard
meant to tell them with the rhyme.
Having pondered the words of the rhyme for a time, the elders summoned
the villagers and told them:
“With this rhyme, the wizard wants to tell us that we need to

cease looking for explanations to our children’s problems and focus
instead on discovering what skills they need to learn to conquer their
problems.”
The villagers were delighted with this message. They understood that it
meant it was time to stop blaming themselves and others alike. From now
on, time didn’t need to be spent on disputing the causes of children’s prob-
lems and everyone could focus on helping children develop the skills they
needed to overcome their difficulties.
Villagers returned home and informed their children that from now
on they would be learning skills to overcome their difficulties. The chil-
dren were delighted to hear the news as they had grown all too tired of
listening to their parents’ endless speculations about the causes of their
problems.
Villagers took action, and in no time each child in the village had a skill
to learn that would help them to overcome their problem. At first things
worked well, but a new problem soon loomed on the horizon. “We succeeded
in making agreements with our children about skills to learn,” the villagers
lamented to the elders, “but when it was time for them to take action to
learn those skills, they soon lost their interest, and we couldn’t find a way to
get them to make the effort to learn those skills. How are we supposed to get
our children to learn their skills?”
Again, the elders sat down to think about the villagers’ thorny question,
but no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t find an answer. Finally,
they decided to let the 3 elders visit the Wise Wizard again to ask for her
advice.
“What brings you to me this time?” the wizard asked them upon their
arrival.
The elders said: “When we consulted you last time, you advised us to
give up our futile efforts to try to explain our children’s problems and focus,

instead, on finding out what skills they need to learn to conquer their prob-
lems. This is what we did, but now we are stuck and faced with a new chal-
lenge. We don’t know how to get our children to take the steps and make the
effort to learn the skills they need to learn.”
The wizard listened to the elders attentively. She then lowered her gaze,
closed her eyes, and appeared to fall asleep. When she opened her eyes again
and lifted her gaze, she uttered the following words:
For wanting a skill to learn

you must see the things you earn.
The list of benefits should be long
like an unending lullaby song.
Give your skill a name,

to make learning it a game
and find a magic friend,
to accompany you till the end.
No matter how easy it may seem,

you will need a supporting team.
They will form the crew
who believe in you.
Before long you’ll be sure to stumble

but that’s no reason for you to tumble.
Better ask your team to be kinder,
by giving you a gentle reminder.
With the help of your team

you will soon reach your dream.
To enjoy your new rank
don’t forget your team to thank.
Weeks will roll and days will pass,

how to make sure the skill will last?
Teach your skill to someone else.
That will do the trick
and make sure your skill will stick.
The rhyme stone tale 7

The three elders memorized the words of the wizard and set off on foot to
return to their village. Once they arrived in the village, they asked the stone
mason to chisel the wizard’s words into the stone at the centre of the village.
The elders then gathered to discuss the wizard’s words and soon announced
their conclusion:
“The wizard’s rhyme is an answer to our question. It offers us direc-

tions on how to motivate our children to learn their skills. Let us fol-
low its guidance and our predicament may soon belong to the past.”
As the villagers started to follow the directions embedded in the wizard’s

rhyme, their children became keen on developing their skills, and as they
learned their skills, one by one, they overcame their problems. And when-
ever the children stumbled upon any new difficulties later, those were also
successfully handled with the wisdom of the rhyme in the stone. The villag-
ers were relieved. The predicament had been conquered.

Photo by Ilaria De Bona on Unsplash
2
WHAT IS THE SKILLS

APPROACH?
DOI: 10.4324/9781003435723-2
T
he skills approach is founded on the idea that children don’t
have problems; they just haven’t learned some skills yet.
Children don’t have problems,

they only have skills they haven’t learned yet.
The skills approach emerged in the 90s in a kindergarten in Helsinki,

Finland. The kindergarten had a special unit that cared for children with
special needs. The unit was managed by two special education teachers,
Sirpa Birn and Tuija Terävä. I worked with them for a few years as an
external supervisor. When we started our collaboration, we decided to
put our heads together to develop a widely applicable method to help
children overcome emotional and behavioural challenges. Our idea was
to try to generate a simple step-by-step method that both children and
their parents would find appealing. We were influenced by solution-
focused psychology1, a therapeutic approach that I teach, but also by
various methods of special education that the teachers were familiar
with. Little by little, through trial and error, our collaboration led to the
development of a hands-on method consisting of 15 practical steps that
we ended up calling Kids’Skills. At that time, we had no idea that this
brainchild of ours would in the coming years raise wide international
1 The origins of the skills approach

When I was specialising in psychiatry in the 80s practically all the professors of psychiatry
and child psychiatry in my country, Finland, believed in psychoanalysis. It is a school of psycho-
therapy developed in the early 20th century by the Austrian neurologist Sigmund Freud, whose
proponents believe that all mental health problems can be traced back to childhood experiences.
Psychiatrists and child psychiatrists who represented psychoanalysis recommended intensive
individual psychotherapy for almost all their patients, including children. At that time most of my
peers, who were also specialising in psychiatry, opted to become psychoanalysts, but there were a
few of us who were disillusioned with psychoanalytic doctrines and who had a burning desire to
discover more effective means of helping our clients.
I became interested in family therapy in general and solution-focused brief therapy in particu-
lar. Solution-focused therapy emerged within the family therapy movement, and it was the new
kid on the block at the time. Contrary to psychoanalysis and other styles of therapy popular at the
time, in this approach, the focus of therapeutic conversations was not on problems and trying to
understand their possible past causes, but on goals; on what the client wanted their future to be
like and how the therapist, through good and empowering questions, could help them find ways
to move forward. “The client knows the solution to their problem; they just don’t know that they
know it” was one of the philosophical premises of solution-focused psychology.
The skills approach presented in this book is founded on the principles of solution-focused
psychology. The aim is not to dwell on the causes and background of challenges, but to explore
and discover ways to help children move on with the support of the important people in their life.

interest. Today, the Kids’Skills method is being used by a wide range
of professionals in many countries around the world. Books describing
the method have been published in more than 20 languages.
We developed the Kids’Skills method originally as a tool for teach-
ers and other people who work with children, but because the approach
is so simple, safe, and easy to learn, parents, grandparents and other
people participating in raising children can utilise it also. The method
was borne in a group where the children were 5–6 years old, but it
soon became evident that the very same steps and principles could
be used with older children too. In fact, the approach is blind to age.
With slight adjustments, it is suitable for human beings of all ages.
Skills thinking, the backbone of Kids’Skills, is founded on the idea
that no matter what the child’s challenge or difficulty is, you don’t
focus on the difficulty, but instead you focus on the skill the child
needs to learn for the difficulty to pass. Children usually become
uneasy when we try to talk with them about their problems or diffi-
culties, but they quite enjoy talking about skills – not only skills that
they have already acquired, but also skills they can see that they
would benefit from getting better at.
Skills thinking calls for seeing children through a different lens. It
requires us to see beyond problems and to figure out what skill the
child needs to become better at to conquer his or her challenge. To
do that, to figure out what skill the child needs to improve, is, how-
ever, easier said than done. My intention in this book is to help you
discover how you can convert not only small everyday challenges,
but also more serious problems, into skills that your child can learn,
and how you can support your child in acquiring those skills.
Let’s start with a story told by a woman who had participated in a
Kids’Skills training program, and as part of her training wrote a report
of how she had used the method to help her 6-year-old goddaughter
conquer a challenge. I think the story is one of many charming exam-
ples of how the skills approach can be applied in practice.
Jasmin, 6-year-old girl
Jasmin had several challenges. She had challenges with dressing herself,
going to the toilet, and going to bed. When she was supposed to get dressed
What is the skills approach? 13

in the mornings, she refused to put on the clothes her mother had chosen
for her. All clothes felt uncomfortable for her. She only wanted to use
the same old worn-out clothes. She abhorred all winter clothes, rainy
season clothes, mittens, and hats. Going to bed in the evening was dif-
ficult for her. She demanded to stay up as late as her parents, and this
led to a mighty struggle almost every evening. The third challenge was
that Jasmin refused to wipe her bottom after defecating in the toilet and
always required an adult to assist her. In kindergarten, Jasmin refused
to defecate all day, with the result that she often suffered from tummy
aches in the evenings.
Jasmin’s godmother, Emma, who had taken some training in the skills
approach, offered to help Jasmin’s worried parents. When they all sat
together, the conversation first revolved around various skills that Jasmin
had already acquired and that she was good at. For example, Jasmin already
knew how to read and write even if she was not attending school yet (in her
country, school starts officially when children are 7). She also knew how to
swim and how to ride a bicycle. Jasmin appeared proud as everyone talked
about her many skills.
Soon the topic of the conversation shifted from skills she already had to
skills she needed to learn next. The parents’ wish-list consisted of 3 skills.
They were – as one might guess –“putting on clothes skill,” “going to sleep
skill,” and “toilet skill.” The parents discussed the various benefits of all the
3 skills and Emma suggested casually that, when Jasmin learned one of the
3 skills, a celebration could be arranged in her honour if she wanted it. Of
the 3 options, Jasmin chose the ‘toilet skill.’ Jasmin decided to call her skill
“the wiping skill”
“What good would it do you to learn to wipe your bottom yourself?”
Emma asked. Jasmin wasn’t able to give an answer, but she volunteered that
she dreaded that her hand would be tarnished with faeces. That explained,
at least partially, why Jasmin had not been keen on learning to wipe her
behind by herself. Her parents explained that the wiping skill was impor-
tant because then Jasmin wouldn’t have tummy aches in the evenings, she
wouldn’t need to sit on the toilet waiting for someone to come and help her,
and next year, when she entered school, she would be expected to be able
to do it herself. Jasmin listened attentively. It was then agreed that the
parents would help Jasmin start practising her skill at home. Her mother
promised to be by her side, advising her on how to wipe herself and also how
to wash her hands in case she would accidentally tarnish her hands. Jasmin

herself suggested that she would start by wiping only once while her mother
would wipe the rest.
“Can you think of some creature that can support you in learning the wip-
ing skill?” Emma asked. Jasmin said that she wanted her helper to be Super
Furball (a smart animated guinea pig). Super Furball had helped her before
when, some time ago, she had to get a vaccination at a visit to the health
nurse. Jasmin wanted to place a picture of the Super Furball in the toilet to
remind her of her skill.
Emma brought up the celebration again. “When you have learned the
wiping skill,” she said, “We can bake together and have a party if you want.”
Jasmin found the idea appealing and this led to a discussion about who
would be invited and what kind of cake would be served at the party.
One week later, when Emma talked with Jasmin’s mother on the phone,
she found out that Jasmin had gotten well on the way with practising her
skill. The first few days, Jasmin’s mother had guided Jasmin, but after that
she had managed to complete the wiping herself. Every time she had done
it by herself, her mother had given her a Super Furball sticker, which was
pasted into a notebook reserved for the purpose. The parents had made an
agreement with Jasmin that once she had collected 10 stickers, it would be
time to arrange the party. She had already made so much progress that she
had given her mother permission to tell the kindergarten teachers about the
skill, which made it possible for the staff in kindergarten to support her in
learning her skill there, too.
There were also some setbacks. One day, when she had not yet collected
more than 6 stickers, Jasmin suddenly called her mother from the toilet to
come wipe her.
“Why did you call me? Have you forgotten your skills?” her mother
asked.
“No, I haven’t,” Jasmin said, “I can do it. I have even done it in
kindergarten.”
“Ok, show me how good you can do it,” said her mother.
Jasmin refused to show her mother her skill and complained that her
stool was so loose that she didn’t want to wipe at all.
“It’s not the end of the world, honey,” her mother said. “Let’s do this. You
wipe once and I wipe the rest.” Jasmin agreed to her mother’s proposal but
ended up wiping all the way by herself anyway. Her mother pasted a sticker
into the notebook and later that day they called Emma to tell her what had
happened.
What is the skills approach? 15

When there were 10 stickers in the notebook, Jasmin designed a card
together with her mother to invite Emma to the party. The party was an
enjoyable event with cake and other delicacies served. After everyone had
had some cake, Emma suggested to Jasmin to cut out hearts from cardboard
to give to people who had helped and supported her. Jasmin cut out several
hearts and gave one to each of her parents, one to Emma, and one to the
kindergarten teachers.
“What skill will you go for next now that you’ve already mastered the
wiping skill so well?” Emma asked Jasmin.
“My next skill is the modelling skill,” Jasmin replied.
“Modelling skill? What skill is that?” Emma wanted to know.
It turned out that Jasmin had been playing a game with her parents that
they had called “modelling game.” It was a game where Jasmin played a
model who presented various new clothes to her parents and simultaneously
practised getting accustomed to wearing diverse clothes.
Children participate actively,
others support them.
The manner in which Emma partnered with Jasmin’s parents to

help Jasmin overcome one of her challenges exemplifies the skills
approach: Instead of talking about problems, the focus was on skills
to learn. The child was an active participant in all steps of the process,
and all the important people in the child’s life were supporting and
helping the child to acquire the skill.
***

Photo by mali desha on Unsplash

3
HOW TO CONVERT
CHALLENGES INTO
SKILLS TO LEARN
The word ‘skill’ means that the child can handle
a given challenging situation in the desired manner.
DOI: 10.4324/9781003435723-3
T
he skills approach – or the idea of helping children overcome
challenges by learning skills – has some significant benefits.
First, the concept of “skill” conveys the idea of hope. We all
associate skills with “learning,” which is another word that generates
hope. When we focus on talking about skills and learning, we inevita-
bly conjure up an atmosphere of hope for change.
Second, skills thinking fosters collaboration with children.
Your child is more likely to collaborate with you when you talk
with them about skills they have already learned and skills they
might benefit from learning rather than about their problems and
difficulties.
Third, the skills approach makes it easier for you to collaborate
with the other adults involved in caring for your child. If you focus on
the child’s problems and difficulties in your conversations with them,
they often respond by starting to tell you what they think is causing
your child’s problems. Such speculations are often unhelpful and can
contribute to despair rather than hope. The skills approach helps you
to escape this pitfall. When the focus is on skills to learn, your fellow
carers will find it easier to support you in helping your child learn
whatever skill he or she needs to learn.
Converting challenges into skills

is easier said than done
A prerequisite of skills thinking is converting children’s problems into

skills that they can learn. This is easier said than done. The idea is
simple, but in real life it is not always easy to figure out what skill the
child needs to learn to overcome his or her problem.
I have often heard people say that the idea of skills thinking is all
well and good, but putting it into practice is much more difficult than
one might think at first. “I know exactly what problem the child has,”
a teacher once said to me, “but I find it difficult to figure out what skill
the child needs to become better at for the problem to pass.”
Converting challenges into learnable skills – what I have some-
times called “skilling” – requires creative thinking. The premise is,

that regardless of what the child’s challenge happens to be, there is
always a skill to be discovered that, if mastered, will eliminate the
problem, or at least reduce its intensity.
A German psychologist friend of mine, who also teaches solu-
tion-focused therapy and coaching like myself, once said to me:
“Our students like the skills approach a lot, but they often find it
difficult to figure out what skill the child should learn to overcome
a particular problem. You should write a dictionary in which the
reader can look up all the common problems that children have
and then see what skill the child needs to learn to overcome that
particular problem.”
“I understand what you are saying,” I objected, “but it’s not possi-
ble. From knowing what the child’s problem is, you cannot directly
draw a line to a particular skill the child would need to learn to
overcome the problem. To figure out what would be a relevant skill
for the child to learn requires us to have a conversation with the
child, and perhaps also with the other adults who are involved in
caring for the child.”
“Yes, yes, I know,” my colleague said, shrugging his shoulders, “but
anyway, people would need some instructions on how to convert
problems into skills.”
Following my colleague’s advice, I present next some general
ideas of how to convert problems into skills that children can learn.
A better way to handle a

challenging situation
When I help parents convert their child’s challenge into a skill, I

often start by asking them what situations their child finds chal-
lenging. Once I have heard some examples of such situations, I
can invite the parents to think about how they would want their
child to learn to respond in a better way in those situations. Here’s
an example of how I would attempt to help a parent to shift from
challenges to skills.
How to convert challenges into skills to learn 21

Mother: They have complained about my daughter’s behaviour at kin-
dergarten. She apparently hits the other children there.
Me: Do you know in what situations it happens? What situations
are difficult for her to handle?
Mother: They say it happens when she wants to play with a toy that
another child is playing with.
Me: What does she do?
Mother: She tries to grab the toy and when the other child refuses to
give it to her, she becomes frustrated and that’s when the hit-
ting happens.
Me: How would you want her to learn to handle those situations
instead?
Mother: In a more mature way.
Me: Sure, and what would you want her to learn to do instead?
Mother: I would like her to learn to ask kindly if she can have the toy
and then, if the other child refuses, I would want her to be able
to take “no” for an answer.
Me: What would you want her to learn to say that would tell you
that she has learned to take “no” for an answer?
Mother: I would want her to say something like, “Can I have it when
you don’t want to play with it anymore?”
Me: Ok, so that’s the skill you would want your daughter to learn.
In other words, to figure out what skill you want your child to
learn, think about how your child tends to respond in situations
that are difficult for him or her to deal with, and ask yourself how
you would want your child to learn to handle similar situations in
the future.
A skill describes desired behaviour
An important thing to keep in mind when we talk about skills is

that “skill” does not mean stopping undesired behaviour. It means
learning to behave in a more desirable manner.
It is difficult for children to stop – or reduce – undesired behav-
iour. For example, if you want your child to learn not to shout out

in class, the skill for your child to learn should not be stated as: “I
will refrain from shouting out in class,” but as: “I can raise my hand
to talk in class and wait for permission to talk,” or if you want your
child to learn to avoid getting into fights with other children, the
skill for your child to learn should not be stated as “I will not pick
fights with other children,” but as “I will learn to walk away from
situations in which I get cross with other children.” The skill to learn
should always point to a description of the desired behaviour rather
than to a description of the undesired behaviour.
Skill is not the ability to refrain from acting in the wrong way.
It is the ability to act in the right way.
Sometimes when I have given talks to parents about the skills

approach, I have claimed tongue-in-cheek:
“Did you know that there is a filter in children’s auditive nerve,

the nerve that carries nerve impulses from the ear to the brain?
That filter effectively removes words such as ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’
from sentences. If you say to your son: ‘I’m telling you again,
Dan, don’t shout at me,’ Dan will hear you saying: ‘I’m telling you
again, Dan, shout at me.’ Or if you say to your daughter: ‘Julia, I
told you to stop that. I don’t like you fiddling with your food,’ she
will hear you saying: ‘Julia, I told you that I like you fiddling with
your food.’”
By saying so, I’m jokingly making the point that children often fail
to follow parents’ instructions if the instruction contains denial-
words, such as “don’t,” “stop,” or “not.” This is not because they are
just stubborn or pig-headed, but rather because their brains are
not mature enough to handle instructions lacking clues about what
to do instead.
For this reason, parenting guides often recommend that when
giving instructions to our children, we should try to tell them what
we want them to do rather than only telling them what not to do.
Here are a few examples of converting don’t-do-instructions into
do-instructions:

Don’t shout → Speak softly!
Don’t beg → Ask nicely!
Don’t run → Walk!
Don’t play with your food → Eat neatly!
I once gave an evening lecture for parents at a kindergarten where

I talked about converting don’t-do-instructions to do-instructions.
There were some parents present who had not succeeded in finding a
babysitter for the evening and who therefore had brought their child
along to the event. A few days after the event, one of the mothers who
had been in the audience that evening with her son related to the kin-
dergarten teacher the following incident. She had heard her own son
running with some other children and making noise in the hallway
of their apartment house. There had been complaints about the chil-
dren’s noise before, so the mother opened the door and shouted to the
children, “No running in the hallway!” Her son quickly responded to
her saying, “Mom, you’re not supposed to say, “Don’t run.” You should
say, “Walk.” “I think my son got the idea from the evening lecture bet-
ter than I did,” the mom said with a smile on her face.
The idea of replacing don’t-do-instructions with do-instructions
may seem simple, but in real-life situations it is often very difficult to
think of how to instruct a child without using words such as “stop,”
“don’t” or “no.” I am reminded of a personal experience from years
ago when one of my two daughters was around 7 years old.
I was driving the car returning home from shopping and my daugh-
ter was sitting in the back seat with her friend. I felt an awkward
annoying movement in my backside, and it took a moment for me
to realize that it was my daughter behind me kicking the back of
my seat with her feet.
“Stop that kicking,” I told her. It didn’t help. The kicking contin-
ued as if I hadn’t said anything. I figured I need to intensify my
message, so I said something along the lines of, “Stop that kicking
immediately. Don’t you understand, it disturbs my driving? You
don’t want us to end up in an accident, do you?” Instead of my
well-chosen words having had an influence on her, the two girls
started to giggle in the back seat. They apparently thought that I
was being funny. Finally, I couldn’t think of anything else to say,

so I probably said something to the effect of, “If you don’t stop
kicking, I will stop the car and both of you will walk all the way
back home.” My threat did not do the trick, judging by the fact
that the giggling only intensified in the back seat. I asked myself
how to approach the situation using skills thinking. Would it be
possible to handle the situation by rewarding her for desirable
behaviour rather than threatening her with consequences if she
didn’t stop her undesirable behaviour? I didn’t have a clue as to
what to say, so I said what first came to mind: “It would be eas-
ier for me to concentrate on driving, so if you keep your feet to
yourself, I’m prepared to pay you 10 cents for each time you don’t
kick my seat.” The words that had come out of my mouth sounded
weird to me, but to my surprise the kicking ended, and the back
seat became quiet. I soon forgot about the incident but later that
same day, when I was putting her to bed, she suddenly extended
her arm towards me. “What?” I asked her. “Give me 80 cents,” she
said. “You owe me that amount. You promised me in the car that
you would pay me 10 cents for each time I didn’t kick you, and I
counted.”
I don’t recall if my daughter ever got that 80 cents from me that she
felt she had earned by refraining eight times from kicking me, but
the incident made me think. Most people these days agree that prais-
ing or rewarding children for good behaviour is a more effective way
of influencing them than reprimanding them for bad behaviour, but
practising this principle in real life is not easy. It simply wouldn’t work
if our children started to expect us to reward them every time they
didn’t do something they shouldn’t do.
To complicate matters, as parents we are not usually content with
our children simply following instructions. We want more; we want
them to learn to follow our instructions without us having to repeat
our instructions to them over and over again. But how on earth are
we supposed to get our children to turn our instructions into habits
so that they will do what we expect from them unprompted? Perhaps
we should think of that as a skill too. Being able to do something
unprompted is, in and of itself, a skill that children can learn and
become better at. Allow me to share the personal experience of an
attempt to deal with this challenge.

My daughter was around 6 when I told her: “Darling, I would like
you to learn to place your dishes into the dishwasher after you
have finished eating. I have noticed that you do it when I tell you
to do it, but I would like you to learn to do it spontaneously, with-
out me having to tell you to do it.” I noticed that she was listening
to me, so I continued, “Let’s do this from now on. I will continue
to remind you to take your dishes to the dishwasher, but when I
remind you, don’t do it immediately. Wait a minute or two, perhaps
you can count to ten, and then, after that, take your dishes to the
dishwasher spontaneously as if I hadn’t said anything. Shall we
try?” I thought that my daughter might find my suggestion foolish,
but she decided to play along. I reminded her of what she needed
to do. She waited for a while and then “spontaneously” took her
dishes and placed them into the dishwasher. My daughter’s initia-
tive grew over time, and I like to think that our foolish little game
contributed to that positive development.
Search for exceptions to the rule
Here’s another practical way that can help you figure out a skill for
your child to learn. For example, if the rule is that your child is glued
to the smart phone, then any exceptions to that rule – that is, times
when he or she puts the smart phone away to do something else
– can give a clue as to the skill he or she might need to learn to
reduce the problem.
Consider the following example in which a parent uses the
exceptions approach to help the child figure out what skill he or
she needs to learn to avoid getting into arguments with teachers
at school.
Parent: What could you do to avoid getting into all those arguments
with your teachers?
Child: I don’t know.
Parent: There must be some teachers you get along with better than
others, aren’t there?
Child: I get along fine with my PE teacher.

Parent: How do you explain that? What is that you do differently that
makes you get along with your PE teacher?
Child: I never talk back to my PE teacher.
Parent: You don’t? What do you do instead?
Child: I pretend to listen. I nod and say, “Ok.”
Parent: So, you found something that works with your PE teacher.
What do you call that skill?
Child: I don’t know. Good behaviour, I guess.
Parent: Good behaviour. Ok, so you already seem to possess that skill.
You can do it with your PE teacher. Do you think it would be
a good thing if you started to use that skill of yours with the
other teachers too?
Identify the opposite of the problem
Too much analysis can cause paralysis.
When parents or teachers are concerned about a child’s behaviour,

they often use problem language and problem words to talk about
what they are worried about. They may say, for example, that the child
is “impulsive,” has “low self-esteem,” or “lacks empathy.” Such sweep-
ing problem descriptions don’t tell us much about what the child’s
actual challenges are, but if you can think of what the opposite of the
problem description is, it becomes easier to figure out what skill the
child might benefit from learning. The following dialogue would be an
example of how such a conversation might look.
Parent: My son is extremely shy.

Me: You would want him to be less shy?
Parent: Yes. I think he suffers from his shyness.
Me: Hmm. Not shy. What do you call a child who is not shy?
Parent: I don’t know, maybe “brave,” or “socially brave.”
Me: That makes sense. I guess children are always somewhere on
the continuum from shy to socially brave. I wonder, what do
you think would be the first small sign for you that your son is
making progress towards becoming socially braver?

Parent: He would not hide in his room when we have guests coming
over.
Me: I see. What would he be doing instead?
Parent: He would open his door, and at least greet the guests.
Me: Would that be a skill you’d want him to learn? Would you be
less worried about him if he managed to learn that skill?
Parent: We would both, me and my wife, be very much relieved if he
learned to do that.
Shift focus from explanations to behaviour
Sometimes when parents, teachers, and other caretakers talk about

children’s problems, they speak in a way that contains scarce infor-
mation about the child’s challenges, but plenty of information of
their ideas of the underlying causes of the child’s challenges. For
example, a teacher might say that a child lacks empathy, that a
child is traumatized, or that a child has low self-esteem. Such grand
words are not descriptions of the child’s challenges, but explana-
tions of the possible causes of the child’s challenges.
To identify skills for children to learn, it may be useful to tempo-
rarily set aside our explanations and focus instead on what it is that
the child finds challenging, and then to figure out, based on that
information, what skill the child might benefit from learning. The
following dialogue is an example how such a conversation might
look.
Parent: My son annoys everyone with his egoistic and attention-seek-

ing behaviour.
Me: What does he do that makes you think that his behaviour is
egoistic and attention-seeking?
Parent: One thing that he does a lot is interrupting other people. When
a thought pops up in his mind, he blurts it out without letting
other people complete their sentences.
Me: Would you say that the habit of interrupting other people is
one of his challenges?
Parent: Yes, that’s definitely one of them.
Me: I understand. Could it be something to start with?

Parent: Maybe.
Me: What would you say he needs to learn to do to avoid interrupt-
ing others?
Parent: He needs to learn to be more patient. He needs to learn to wait
and let the other person finish talking.
Me: That’s an important skill for children to learn. Do you have any
idea of what he could do to be able to do that?
Parent: I sometimes secretly cross my fingers to tell myself to listen
patiently when my customers explain to me things that I am
not all that interested in hearing. Perhaps he should learn to
do something similar.
Me: Listening is not an easy skill for children to learn, but if he
agrees to try to become better at it, he might at least make
some progress.
***
To apply the skills approach in parenting starts with converting our
wishes into skills that children can learn, but that is just the first step
on the way. You will obviously also need to figure out how to get
your child interested in learning and motivated to make the effort
to learn that skill.
In the next chapter I will present to you a wide range of ways that
the skills approach can help motivate children to learn the skills we
believe they would benefit from learning.

Photo by Andy Newton on Unsplash

4
HOW TO MOTIVATE
CHILDREN TO LEARN SKILLS
If a child wants to learn something,

they will learn it.
DOI: 10.4324/9781003435723-4
W
hen speaking about the skills approach to parents or edu-
cators, I find that my audiences often struggle with two
questions. First, how to figure out which skill(s) the child
needs to learn to overcome their problem and second, how to moti-
vate the child to learn that skill. In this chapter, I will assume that you
already have an idea of what skill you think your child would benefit
from learning, and that you are now interested in discovering how to
motivate him or her to learn that skill.
Below I propose to you 15 approaches to motivating your child to
develop a skill, approaches that are consistent with the skills mindset
presented in this book. I hope you find them useful as you strive to
help your child to learn important skills for life.
1. Start by talking with your child about

skills that they have already learned
Before you propose that your child learn a new skill, talk with
them about the many skills they have already acquired. “Honey,
you have already learned so many skills. You have learned to snow-
board, you have learned to speak a bit of Spanish, and you have
even learned to be nicer to your baby sister. You are good at learn-
ing whatever you decide to learn.” By making sure that your child
feels proud of the skills that they have developed or managed to
improve, you increase the likelihood that your child will be will-
ing to talk with you about potential skills that they would benefit
from learning next.
2. Use “we” instead of “I” messages
When you propose a skill for your child to learn, say “we” instead of “I”
whenever possible. For example, “We think it would be good for you
to learn…” rather than “I think it would be good for you to learn…”
Children are more likely to abide by your wish if they understand that
it is not only you who thinks the skill is important, but something

that everyone else who cares about them would also want them to
learn or become better at.
3. Find out what skill your

child wants to learn
If your child shows no interest in learning the skill that you would like
them to learn, don’t worry. Instead, ask your child if they can think of
some other skill that they would benefit from learning and that they
would rather master. By inviting your child to start by learning a skill of
their own choosing, you provide them with a positive learning experi-
ence, which in turn will prepare the child for learning further skills.
4. Discuss the benefits of learning

the skill with your child
To be motivated to learn any skill, your child needs to see that there
are some benefits of doing so. Therefore, I advise having a conversa-
tion with your child about the advantages of mastering the skill not
only to your child, but also to various important people in your child’s
life.
Too often, when parents and educators try to convince children of
the benefits of learning a particular skill, they often do it by point-
ing out the many negative consequences and problems that the child
will escape by learning it. A better motivational strategy is to help
the child become aware of the positive consequences, or benefits, of
learning the skill. For example, rather than saying something like, “If
you learn to be quiet during lessons, your teacher will no longer scold
you,” consider saying something along the lines of, “If you learn to be
quiet during lessons, you will earn the respect of your teacher.” Or
instead of saying, “If you learn to be cool in the supermarket even if I
don’t buy you the things you want, then I will not have to be ashamed
of you,” you might begin your sentence in the same way but conclude
with: “…then we will all be proud of you.”
How to motivate children to learn skills 33

When discussing the benefits of learning a particular skill with a
child, it is also important for the child to feel that the benefits you
are talking about are relevant and meaningful to them. For exam-
ple, if your child is passionate about football, it would make sense to
talk with them about how learning a particular skill will help them to
become a better football player, or if friendships are extremely impor-
tant to your child, it would make sense to talk with them about how
the skill you would like them to learn will help them improve their
relationships with their friends.
5. Join your child in learning new skills
You can reinforce your child’s willingness to learn skills by deciding

to learn some skill of your own simultaneously. It is easier for your
child to say yes to the proposal to learn a skill if you, and possibly
other family members as well, are also learning some skills. I am
reminded of a 10-year-old boy who was supposed to learn the skill
of finishing his homework in time. He told his mother, “Mom, you
also need to learn a skill. You yell at me. You need to learn to talk
softly to me.” The mother’s decision to learn the skill of “not yell-
ing”, or better, expressing her wishes in a gentle way to her son,
added to the son’s motivation to learn the skill that she wanted him
to learn.
6. Reinforce your child’s self-confidence
Another useful motivational tool is to tell your child that you are
convinced that they will be able to learn the skill you want them to
learn, and to explain to them what makes you think so. You may say,
“I am sure you can do it,” and then continue by saying something
like, “because you are so good at learning new things,” or “because
you clearly understand why getting better at it will be good for you,”
or “because we will all help and support you,” or “because you have
already made some progress,” or “because you are so persistent that if
you decide to learn something, you certainly will.”

7. Make sure the skill is not too big
Your child may back off if you propose they learn a skill that appears too
difficult. It is important to divide challenging skills into smaller, or incre-
mental, skills that seem possible for the child to learn easily. For exam-
ple, if your daughter suffers from selective mutism, or the fear of talking
to anyone beyond the nuclear family, you can help her by starting with
baby steps. You may engage her in a conversation with a hand-puppet
that impersonates her teacher, or help her to answer her teacher’s or her
classmate’s chat message on the school’s online message board.
8. Ask your child to give a name to the skill
Encourage your child to give a name to the skill you want them to
learn. Children are more motivated to learn skills if they get to decide
what their skill is to be called. In addition, a good name for the skill
helps to stimulate the child’s creativity. The child’s creativity is an
important building block in figuring out what the child can do to
practice and improve the skill and how other people can best support
them in their learning process.
9. Ask your child to appoint supporters
Children need other people’s support to learn new skills. They will benefit
from all the help and encouragement they can get. Having a team of sup-
porters adds to their optimism, which in turn boosts their motivation.
So, invite your child to think about which people to ask to be their sup-
porters. You or other family members are an obvious choice. Other chil-
dren, particularly if they are a few years older than your child and your
child looks up to them, also make good supporters.
The supporters can help your child in many ways. They can, for
example:
● help your child understand why it pays to learn the skill,

● admire your child when your child masters the skill,

● offer ideas about how to practise the skill,
● remind your child of the skill if your child sometimes forgets it,
● join a celebration at which your child is acknowledged for hav-
ing learned the skill.
10. Encourage your child to have

an imaginary supporter, too
Suggest that your child choose or invent an animal, creature, or super-

hero that will support them in learning the skill. Once they have chosen
their imaginary supporter – say, a Pokémon character – don’t hesitate to
ask your child, “How will the Pokémon help you?” You may be surprised
at how creative your child is at inventing ways in which their imaginary
supporter can help them and motivate them to learn their skill.
11. Plan to celebrate learning the skill
For many children, the idea that there will be a celebration when they
have learned their skill is a powerful motivator. Bring up the possibility
of such a celebration well in advance and allow your child to have some
say in how such a celebration should look, where it should take place, who
should be invited, and what should happen during the event. The idea
of celebrating learning may seem like just another way of rewarding the
child, but I prefer to think of it as an important step in the process of
growth: honouring the child for their accomplishment and thanking the
child’s supporters for their help and encouragement.
12. Help your child come up with a

fun way to practise the skill
To learn any skill, children need to practise. This is a challenge since chil-
dren are not automatically motivated to practise their skills. Therefore, it
is important to invent fun and rewarding ways for the child to practise
the skill, ways that add to the child’s motivation to master it.

Would it be possible to turn learning the skill into a game that your
child finds motivating? For example, small children are often highly
motivated to show how good they already are at performing their
skill. Showing how good you already are is more rewarding and fun to
the child than practising the skill, but from the point of view of learn-
ing, showing counts as practising.
Consider asking your child what they would want to do to acquire
their skill. “What can you do to learn your skill?”, “How can you prac-
tice your skill?”, “How will you remember your skill?” Your child may
surprise you by coming up with creative ideas for developing their
skills. Another possibility is to find a way to use your smartphone to
make learning more interesting and rewarding to your child. “Show
me your skill and I’ll shoot a TikTok video of you doing it!”
In the case of younger children, you may want to find a way to
involve a puppet or a cuddly toy in the learning process. “Look at
this hippo. Can you see, his diaper is wet? I think he is old enough
to learn to wee in the toilet. Let’s help the hippo learn to wee in the
toilet. What shall we do to help him learn to do that?”
13. Discover diverse ways to

praise your child
Ask your child how they want you to show your appreciation when
they manage their skill. Some children respond positively to direct
verbal praise, while others prefer to be acknowledged with a ges-
ture or some other inconspicuous signal. Invite your child to par-
ticipate in working out a unique and age-appropriate way to praise
them that fits their personality.
14. Find a way to remind your

child of the skill
Children do not acquire skills overnight, even when they are commit-
ted to learning them. Sooner or later, they are bound to experience
setbacks or instances when they forget the skill they are learning and

fall temporarily back on their previous pattern of behavior. Instead of
calling such incidents “setbacks,” though, it may be better to think of
them simply as moments of forgetting their skill.
Children are sensitive to the way in which you remind them of
the skill they are in the process of learning. Reminding them of their
skill in a way that makes them feel criticised tends to have a negative
effect on their motivation while reminding them in a gentler and
mutually agreed-upon manner can help enhance their motivation.
Try to find a way of responding to “forgetting the skill” that fits
with the skills mindset. Ask your child what they would want you –
and other people – to do to help them remember their skill: “How
do you want me to remind you of your skill when you sometimes
forget it?”
15. Offer your child an opportunity

to help someone else learn
the skill they have learned
You can tell your child, “When you have learned your skill, you can
help someone else, maybe another child in your class, to learn the
same skill.” Children take satisfaction in teaching skills that they
have acquired to other people. The mere idea of teaching their skill
to others in the future is reinforcing and serves as an additional
incentive for your child to want to learn the skill they will benefit
from learning.
***
Now that you not only have an idea of how to convert children’s
problems into skills they can learn, but you are also familiar with a
wide range of means to motivate your child to learn a skill he or she
has agreed to learn, let’s move on to talking about how you might
apply skills thinking in your day-to-day life with your children.

Photo by Nick Wilkes on Unsplash
5
HOW TO USE
TH E SKILLS APPROACH
IN DAY-TO-DAY PARENTING
Show your child that you have faith in them,

and they will have faith in themself.
DOI: 10.4324/9781003435723-5
T
he skills approach was originally developed as a method for
teachers and other people working with children to help them
overcome challenges, but the approach is equally well-suited
for supporting children’s growth in the everyday life of families, even
when children are not presently struggling with any challenges that
they would need to overcome.
If you want to use skills thinking in your day-to-day life with your
child, I recommend that you start by attaching a poster (see poster
adjacent page) to your refrigerator door to remind yourself of the fol-
lowing key steps of the approach.
Step 1. Think of your wishes as

skills for your child to learn
I assume that by reading the previous chapters of this book, you have
become quite familiar with the idea that all sorts of children’s chal-
lenges can be viewed as skills that they haven’t learned yet. Imagine
that you are wearing a pair of spectacles that allow you to see your
child in a different light; not as a child who is struggling with chal-
lenges, but as a child who needs support and help in developing skills
needed to deal with various challenging situations that he or she is
confronted with in life.
Step 2. Explain to your child why the

skill is an important one to learn
If you want your child to learn a skill, prepare to have a conversation

with him or her about why it is important to learn such a skill.
When I teach this principle in my lectures, I often illustrate the
idea by showing the audience a YouTube clip in which you can see a
German father having a conversation with his 6-year-old son about
homework. In the video, we can see the boy is sitting at a table with
his father writing the letters of the alphabet into his notebook.

How to use the skills approach in day-to-day parenting 43
“I don’t see why I have to do this,” the boy complains to his
father with a desperate look on his face.
“Say it again,” says the father. “I didn’t quite understand what
you said.”
“When I grow up, I will be a truck driver or an excavator opera-
tor,” the boy answers.
“So what?”
“If I drive a truck or I operate an excavator, then in that work I
will not need to write anything.”
“You won’t?” the father ponders aloud, “But you will at least have
to be able to calculate. If you operate an excavator, you will need
to calculate how high the wall you build and how deep the hole
you dig needs to be. If you drive a truck you will need to calculate
how heavy your load can be, and how long your braking distance is
depending on the speed you are driving. All those are things that
you will need to be able to calculate.”
“Yes, but I don’t intend to be any kind of master builder. I will
just be operating the excavator and driving trucks. I will not be
doing any of the other jobs.”
“Yes, yes, but you will need a driver’s licence. And if you want to
have a driver´s licence, you will need to be able to read. You have to
pass the written exam, which is required. There you need to provide
answers to questions that you will need to read and understand.”
The boy listens to his father’s justifications with a serious and thought-
ful look on his face. Then he takes a deep sigh, moves the hand in
which he is holding his pen back onto the page of his notepad and
continues with his task of drawing the letters of the alphabet.
In the video, the boy’s father succeeded in convincing his son of the
importance of learning the skill with just a few well-chosen words. He
justified the importance of the skill from within his son’s own perspec-
tive; he helped his son to see that the skill of reading and writing would
help him achieve his own goals. If your child dreams about becoming
a dancer, consider justifying the skill you want them to learn by help-
ing them realize how the skill will help them to succeed as a dancer.
Likewise, if your child dreams about becoming a football champion,
consider using justifications that allow the child to see how the skill you
would want them to learn can help them be more successful in football.

The following personal experience of mine is another illustration
of the same idea.
When one of my two daughters was 5 years old, I sat in her room
one evening with a pile of papers by her bed as she was ready to go
to sleep.
“What are you doing, Dad?” she asked me.
I was not supposed to start having a conversation with her as
it was her sleepy time, but for some reason I ended up answering
her: “I am working on a book about how to help children overcome
problems,” I said.
“Oh, I don’t have any problems,” she responded.
“Well, the book is not really about how to help children overcome
problems, but about how to help them learn skills,” I explained.
“Oh, but I also don’t have any skills that I would need to learn,”
she said.
“Everyone has skills that they need to become better at. You too.”
“What skill do I need to learn?”
“For example, you need to learn to go to sleep without always
having that bright light shining right into your face. You should
learn to go to sleep in the dark, or with just a small night lamp giv-
ing a dim light in the room.”
“Why?” she asked. She demanded to hear a justification as if she
had been familiar with the idea that we need to explain to children
why we want them to learn a particular skill.
“Well, for one thing, because you like to invite friends for
sleepovers and it would be easier for you to invite your friends for
sleepovers if their parents knew that you have learned to go to
sleep with just a small night lamp on. Your bright light keeps you
and your friends awake sometimes for hours.”
I noticed that my daughter was listening to me, so I couldn’t
resist the temptation to continue: “And besides that, you would
probably also get more sleep-over invitations if your friends’ par-
ents found out that you have learned to go to sleep in dim light.”
My daughter appeared thoughtful. “And we would even save some
electricity,” I added. I was surprised by what happened next. My
daughter extended her arm and pressed the switch button to turn
off the bright reading light that had been shining in her face.

It’s better to praise children for their desired behaviour
Than to scold them for their undesired behaviour
Many parents have the bad habit that when their children act in an
undesirable manner, they start presenting why-questions to the child,
such as: “Why do you have to keep talking all the time?” “Why did you
grab that toy from that boy’s hand?” “Why are you being so slow?”
“Why don’t you eat your food?” “Why are you talking back to me?”
The problem with such why-questions is that children are unable to
provide an answer. They don’t know why they do what they do, and
they experience why-questions as a form of scolding criticism rather
than as genuine questions. Therefore, it is not surprising that children
often respond to their parents’ why-questions with shrugging their
shoulders and saying, “I don’t know.” Another problem with why-
questions is that they trigger children to fabricate excuses for their
behaviour, putting the blame on someone else: “Because you are so
stupid!” “Because everyone else is doing it too,” “Because Janet bullies
me,” “Because I am angry for you not letting me have my smartphone.”
Why-questions may sometimes be outright harmful. The child may
not be able to come up with an answer, but he or she may still start
to silently wonder about the reasons for his or her behaviour. There is
a risk that as the child does the thinking, he or she comes up with a
conclusion that there is something fundamentally wrong about him
or her, that he or she is in some way deviant or flawed. Such con-
clusions undermine the child’s self-confidence and reduce his or her
faith in being able to learn to behave differently.
Put more emphasis on figuring out

why it pays to act in the desired way
than on figuring out why your child
acts in the undesired way.
One method that I recommend to parents who want to stop asking

their children why-questions is to replace explanation-seeking why-
questions with skills-focused why-questions. Skills-focused why-
questions do not seek to find answers to why the child is acting in

an undesirable manner. They seek to find answers to why it would be
profitable for the child to learn to behave in a better or more desirable
manner.
“Larry, it’s time for you to learn to sleep in your own bed through-
out the night. Do you know why it is important for big boys to
learn to sleep in their own bed?”
“Jesse, I want you to learn to talk nicely to your mom. It’s not nice
of you to speak rudely to her. Do you know why it is important for
all children to learn to talk nicely to their mothers?”
“I have talked with your father about how much daily screen-time
we are willing to give you at your age. It is important to us that you
don’t spend too much time on your phone and that you also do
other things. Do you know why that is so important to us? Do you
understand why we are concerned about it?”
Explaining to your child, in a way that your child can understand,

why you want him or her to learn a particular skill, is an important
first step in getting him or her initially interested in learning the skill,
but this alone is not sufficient to do the trick. No matter how well you
succeed in convincing your child of the benefits of the skill, you will
need to take additional measures to ensure that your child is suffi-
ciently motivated to make the effort of learning the skill.
Step 3. Build your child’s confidence
In the olden days, it was not uncommon for some parents to try to
boost their child’s learning by criticising them. They might say to
their child things like:
─ You can’t do it.

─ That won’t work.
─ How can it be so difficult?
─ Your sister learned much faster.
─ Try, at least.

─ You don’t even try.
─ Oh no, let me show you how to do it.
─ What’s taking so long?
─ Is it really that difficult?
Parents who speak to their children in this way probably hope that
their critical words would work to increase their child’s motivation by
triggering in the child a desire to prove the parents wrong.
Criticising children does not, however, usually boost their self-
confidence. It is a risky approach to parenting. If children internalise
their parents’ critical comments, their self-confidence can suffer seri-
ous damage.
Contemporary ideas about parenting rely more on encourage-
ment and praise than on criticism and fault finding. If you wish to
boost your child’s motivation to learn, it is better to avoid criticism
or focusing on failures. Boost the child’s confidence instead; con-
vince your child that even if you are fully aware of how difficult it
can be to develop new skills, nevertheless, you – and also other
people – are convinced that he or she will be able to make it. You
might say, for example:
─ You can do it.

─ You can learn anything.
─ You are good at learning things.
─ You are a fast learner.
─ You can learn anything you put your mind to.
─ You didn’t succeed yet, but it was a good try.
─ I could see that you tried your best.
─ You have already done it many times.
─ You have already started to learn.
─ You have learned more difficult things.
─ You will learn because you know that it is important.
─ You will learn because you are my child.
─ You will learn because we will all help you.
─ You will learn because I know you want to learn.
Your child’s confidence – the child’s faith in being able to learn a skill
– is influenced by how strongly the people around the child believe

that he or she can do it. The more people express their confidence in
the child, the more likely it is that the child also becomes optimistic
about learning the skill.
Step 4. Remind your child in

an agreeable manner
Finding a good way to remind the child of the skill when needed is
an important element of skills thinking. The recommendation is that
you reserve some time to make an agreement with your child about
how you will remind him or her of the skill when your child forgets,
repeats, or is about to repeat, his or her undesired behaviour.
If no such agreement is made with the child in advance, there is a
high risk that when the child forgets his or her skill, you will become
frustrated and respond by criticising or scolding the child:
─ Oh, my. Now you are biting your nails again.

─ Didn’t we just agree that you will stop bothering your baby
brother?
─ What’s this? You promised to clean up your mess. Why didn’t
do it?
─ This doesn’t seem to work. You are doing it again.
─ I should have guessed it. The moment I turn my back, you are
doing it again.
─ The discussions that we had were apparently just a waste of time.
This whole thing is very frustrating to me.
Instead of expressing your frustration to your child, you can decide

to tackle setbacks in a way that is consistent with skills thinking.
That means that you deliberately refrain from criticising your child
and remind him or her of the skill in some special manner that you
have developed together with your child.
Make an agreement with your child about

how you will remind them if they
forget their skill.

The ground rule is that children easily experience straightforward
verbal reminders as criticism but respond much better to previously
agreed-upon gestures, signs, or code-words.
A mother told me that her 8-year-old daughter had a bad habit.

Whenever the mother asked her daughter to do something – for
example, to practise her homework for learning to play violin – the
daughter always replied by saying, “In a moment,” or “soon,” and
then dawdled for long periods of time. The daughter’s dawdling
had become a problem for the mother, as she had ended up repeat-
ing her instructions over and over again to get the daughter to take
care of her responsibilities. To find a solution to the problem, the
mother decided to have a talk with her daughter. She presented the
challenge to her daughter like this:
“I am responsible for taking care that you do your violin
homework, and I don’t mind reminding you about it. But I’ve
noticed that when I remind you, you often respond by saying
that you will do it soon. Then you keep on doing something
else and I must remind you again and again. I’ve noticed that
you tend to become annoyed when I remind you repeatedly, and
I also don’t like it when I have to remind you about the same
thing many times. I think we should find a better way to handle
those situations.”
When the mother noticed that her daughter was listening,
she suggested, “How would you want me to remind you to prac-
tice the violin? What if I don’t say anything but I show you
some sign that will tell you it’s time to get your violin and start
practising?”
The mother’s suggestion led to a conversation that ended in an
agreement: From then on, the mother would not tell her daughter
to start practising but would instead flash her a card with a picture
of a violin on it. The daughter agreed that if her mother didn’t say
anything but showed her the card, it might work better. She even
drew the picture of a violin on the card that her mother was sup-
posed to show her. The card signalling method the mother came
up with for her daughter didn’t solve the problem instantaneously,
but the negotiation served as a starting point for a continued con-
versation that allowed mother and daughter to find better ways

to communicate with one another in situations where the mother
needed to remind the daughter of her various responsibilities.
Parents and other carers can prevent the vicious cycle of reminding
and dawdling by inviting children to participate in finding a way to
remind the child of a skill that is agreeable to him or her. A primary
school teacher shared with me the following example of how she has
used this idea with her pupils at school.
When 7-year-old first-graders start school in the Fall, they are

like angels. The class is quiet, the pupils listen attentively to me
and concentrate on their tasks diligently. Gradually, as weeks
and months go by, the noise level in the class starts to rise and
if I would ignore it, the class would be quite loud and unruly by
Christmas. I usually invite the pupils to help me find a solution to
the problem. Some time ago, I asked the pupils of my current class
if they had noticed that the noise level in the class was higher than
it used to be in the Fall when we started. The students agreed with
me that this was the case. I then asked them what they thought I
should do to make the class quieter again. I gave them some time
to think and after a while, they came up with a suggestion.
“When you notice that one of us is being noisy,” they said, “don’t
say anything to him or her. Just keep on teaching and walk over to
the loud pupil and while you are standing beside or behind him or
her, lower your hand gently on the pupil’s shoulder.”
Upon hearing this, my mind’s eye conjured up a picture of the
poor teacher rushing around the class from student to student lay-
ing her hands on their shoulders. “How has that solution worked
for you?” I asked.
“It has worked surprisingly well,” the teacher told me and
pointed out that the suggestion had probably worked well because
it came from the pupils and not from herself.
The gentle reminding method works not only with children but also
with adults, as the following example illustrates.
The mother of 8-year-old Demian had participated in a weekend

workshop on skills thinking in parenting. Upon arrival back home,

she wanted to test the approach with her son. The mother showed
Demian an illustrated workbook designed for children and man-
aged to get him to volunteer to be his mother’s first guinea pig.
They quickly found a skill for Demian to learn and were already
well on the way towards working on the subsequent steps of the
process when Demian suddenly became thoughtful and began
staring at his mother. “What now, what are you thinking about?”
the mother asked him.
“Mom, I think you should also learn a skill,” he said.
“You think so? What skill do I need to learn?” asked his mother.
“You often yell at me. You should learn to speak to me nicely
even if you are angry at me,” explained Demian.
The mother felt a twinge of guilt in her heart. “True,” she said, “I
do sometimes get angry and yell at you. I don’t want to do it. I will
try to learn to speak nicely to you.”
The fact that mother and son were both learning a skill made it
possible for them to be supporters of each other. When it was time
to talk about how they wanted to be reminded of their skills when
needed, Demian looked at his mother and said, “If you forget your
skill and start yelling at me again, I can remind you with a hand
gesture.”
“That’s a good idea,” said his mother. “Which hand gesture will
you use?” the mother wanted to know.
“I will show you this sign,” Demian said, and brought his hands
together to form his fingers into the shape of a heart. The mother
was moved by her son’s touching proposal and readily agreed to it.
The rationale behind the gentle reminding method is founded in the

following idea: When the person in question – whether a child or an
adult – has offered a suggestion for a way for others to remind him or
her of a particular skill, it is then difficult for him or her to become
annoyed for being reminded about the skill. The person in question is
likely at least trying to respond positively to a reminder proposed by
him or herself.
Let me conclude this step 4 by repeating the words that you may
find useful in initiating a conversation with your child about gentle
reminders.

You have already become quite good at ___________, but
sometimes you still forget. If I notice that you forget, I can
remind you in some way. How do you want me to do it?
One of the additional benefits of gentle reminders is that if the way in

which you have agreed with your child to remind him or her doesn’t
give the desired effect, it is easy for you to continue the conversation
with your child. You may say, for example, “I have tried to remind you
a few times in the way that you said you’d like me to do it, but it hasn’t
always worked. Let’s try to find a better way for me to remind you.
What do you suggest?”
Step 5. Reinforce your child’s learning
“I’ll give you 10 Euros for each A that you bring home from school,”
is a sentence that many a parent has uttered to their child. It is not
uncommon for parents to try to motivate their children to learn or to
improve their performance by promising to give them money, sweets,
or other rewards if they succeed. Offering to reward children in this
way sounds rational, but the method doesn’t work as well as one
might assume. I remember reading about a psychological field study
where the researchers offered to give a group of teenagers a consider-
able amount of money if they could succeed in raising their marks at
school to a certain degree at the end of the semester. All the students
in the research group were eager to accept the challenge and felt con-
fident that they would be able to accomplish the task. Despite the fact
that the reward offered to the students was a considerable sum of
money, none of them succeeded in attaining the goal at the end of the
semester. The researchers concluded that motivating children with
money does not bring about desired results.
Reinforce motivation by awakening

your child’s interest in learning the skill.
Many currently popular parenting approaches rely on the idea that

children’s motivation to change their behaviour is best enhanced by a

clever and consistent use of rewards and consequences. Skills think-
ing is based on very different theory motivation that doesn’t operate
with rewards and consequences, but on collaboration; on finding ways
to raise the child’s interest in learning skills and nurturing the child’s
motivation to learn the skill by using a wide range of tools, ranging
from letting the child name their skill to engaging supporters, and
from taking help from power creatures to celebrating the child’s suc-
cesses and progress. Let’s take a closer look at the diverse motivational
strategies that are distinctive of the skills approach.
Praise the child verbally
Small children enjoy straightforward verbal praise, which means say-

ing to the child something along the lines of, “Well done,” “You did it,”
“You have learned so much,” “I am proud of you,” or “I am impressed.”
Such responses are a sign to the child that you appreciate their efforts,
and you are impressed by their progress. However, when children
grow older, they tend to start to perceive straightforward praise as
patronising. If you can spot signs of this happening, you should shift
to using one of the many other options discussed below.
Praise the child discreetly
Instead of using straightforward praise, you can show your apprecia-

tion to your child with a designated hand gesture, facial expression or
mutually agreed upon code word. You may, for example, show your
child the thumbs up sign, or give a high-five or a tap on the shoulder. An
experienced youth leader once said that most teenagers today are aller-
gic to verbal praise, but they respond well to tacit signs of appreciation.
Praise the child for trying
─ Good try!
─ Give it one more go!

─ You tried your best!
─ Next time you will do it!
─ It’s getting better and better!
─ It was close!
─ You are tenacious!
─ You don’t give up easily!
Even if the child does not succeed in practising their skill, you should
still consider praising the child for trying: “It didn’t quite work out
yet, but we could all see that you tried your best. Don’t worry, you will
soon get the hang of it.”
When your child realizes that you don’t only appreciate their suc-
cesses, but also their attempts and efforts, it will motivate them to
try even harder next time.
Share the child’s progress with

other people
Instead of praising the child directly, you can accomplish much by

praising the child to someone else. Supposing you are the mother, you
would be speaking on the phone with your mother. You could say to
her something like, “Did I already tell you that Sue has learned to eat
vegetables? Yesterday she ate the first carrot of her life, not just a little
piece but the entire carrot.” If your daughter eavesdrops on you and
hears what you said, she will be happy, perhaps even happier than if
you had said the same thing to her directly. In addition, your mother
is likely to report the good news back to your daughter at some point
later: “I head from your mother that you have eaten an entire carrot.
She was very happy when she told me, and I also think it’s a great
achievement!”
Consult the child
“I try to praise my son when he acts the way I want him to, but he
doesn’t like me praising him at all. Instead of becoming happy, he

becomes irritated and tells me to stop saying anything of the kind
to him.”
I have often heard parents wonder why their child, who is usu-
ally a teenager, but can also be a smaller child, consistently rejects
their parents’ praise. If your child doesn’t appear to like you prais-
ing them, you may want to ask them how they want you to praise
them. “I’ve noticed that you don’t always like my way of praising
you, but when I notice that you are doing something right and I
feel proud of you, I would like to show it to you in some way. How
do you want me to do it? How do you want me to tell you that
I’m proud of you?” Your children need you to praise them when
they learn skills, and if your way of praising them doesn’t work
with them, ask them to advise you how to do it in a way that suits
them better.
Ask questions about the child’s progress
Asking your child questions about their successes and progress

is an elegant and effective way of ensuring that they feel that
you appreciate their learning. In this approach, you don’t praise
the child directly, but you ask them questions to invite them to
account for their achievements: “Seems like you managed to do
your homework today right after returning home from school.
That’s not easy. How did you do it?”
Questions that invite the child to think about how they managed
to act in the desirable manner convey the message that you appreciate
them for their accomplishment.
Plan to celebrate
Many years ago, when we worked on developing the skills-oriented

approach with a small group of special needs children, we came across
a fun way to help children feel proud of their progress. We started
to arrange weekly celebrations where we celebrated with soft drinks
and cake when one of the children in the group had learned his or
her skill. On one Friday, we would celebrate a child who used to be

desperately slow at putting on his clothes, but had now learned to
dress himself quickly, and the next Friday we would arrange a cel-
ebration for another child who had learned the skill of eating around
the same table with others. It was a surprise to us how important the
celebration ritual was for the children. They eagerly waited for their
celebration and there was no doubt that the anticipation of the cel-
ebration was a major motivator for the children to learn their skills.
A mother told me that she had tried for weeks in vain to

get her 4-year-old daughter to sleep in her own bed. She had
explained to her daughter why it was important for her to learn
to sleep in her own bed, and she had promised to reward her
with gifts, but her motivational tactics had not done the trick.
She had seen a TV program about the skills approach and even
if the method seemed quite complicated to her, she did remem-
ber one of the steps discussed in the program - the step of mak-
ing a plan together with the child about how to celebrate when
the child has learned the skill. When she talked about the issue
next time with her daughter, she said, “If you succeed in sleep-
ing in your own bed 7 nights in a row, we can arrange a party to
honour your accomplishment.”
To the mother’s surprise, her daughter responded with excite-
ment to the idea, saying, “Can we invite grandma?” She took great
pleasure in planning the upcoming celebration with her mother.
When the mother told me about her experience, her daughter had
already succeeded in sleeping through the night in her own bed
4 days in a row.
The celebration also offers an opportunity for the child to show their
appreciation to all their supporters who have in various ways helped
and supported them in learning the skill. Thanking supporters culti-
vates feelings of gratitude, intensifies bonds between people and adds
to the child’s motivation to maintain the skill that they have learned.
It may seem at first that celebration is just another way of reward-
ing the child for their accomplishment, and in a sense that’s true, but
I prefer to think of it as a ritual, or rite of passage, that reinforces
the child’s learning and changes the way the child is viewed by other

people. The celebration is a symbolic indication of growth, maturation
and development.
Next skill for the child to learn
A child’s life is a process of continuous learning. When your child has

learned one skill, it’s time to start learning another. Moving on from
learning one skill to learning the next one is a source of pride for the
child, a sign that one challenge has been conquered and the child is all
set to encounter the next one.
Use certificates
Most children like the idea of getting a certificate, badge, medal or

some other related indication they have acquired a skill. The expecta-
tion of earning such a recognition for achievement adds to the child’s
motivation to make the effort needed to learn the skill. Most children
like to hear an adult tell them something along the lines of: “When
you have learned your skill, you get a badge like this that you can wear
on your chest,” or “When you have learned that skill, you can get this
certificate that you can hang on your wall.”
Badges and certificates are representations of social respect and
appreciation.
***
By now you are quite familiar with the principles of the skills approach;
you know how to convert your child’s challenges into skills he or she
can learn, you are familiar with a number of ways to motivate your
child to learn those skills, and you may even have attached a sheet of
paper on your refrigerator door to remind yourself of the guidelines
that help you put the ideas into practice in your day-to-day life with
your child. It is now time to invite you to move on to the next chapter
in which I will present to you a collection of illustrative case exam-
ples, inspiring true stories describing how parents, teachers and other
people involved in raising children have succeeded in helping children
overcome diverse challenges using the skills approach.

Photo by Lora Moore-Kakaletris on Unsplash

6
EXAMPLES
The skills approac h in action
Praise for trying – not just for succeeding.
DOI: 10.4324/9781003435723-6
T
he best way to learn to use any new method or approach is to
first observe someone else using the method and then use the
method yourself. If that is not possible, the second-best way, I
suppose, to learn a method is to hear stories of how someone used the
method and then try the method yourself.
This chapter consists of a collection of true stories about how skills
orientation was used to help children of diverse ages conquer differ-
ent types of challenges ranging from minor difficulties to more seri-
ous mental health issues.
Over the years I have come across numerous such stories. Most
of them are written by people who have participated in a training
workshop on using skills orientation with children. Submitting such
a report is the final step in the certification process.
Selective eating, 4-year-old girl
Linda’s mother took part in a workshop to learn about the skills

approach. When coming home, she told Linda about what she had
learned and asked her if she’d like to try the method with her. Linda
agreed but was unable to say right away what skill she wanted to learn.
Later that day, as she was having her evening meal, she told her mom
that she wanted to learn to taste new foods. Linda was very selective
with foods and was very suspicious about trying new foods.
Linda named her skill yum-yum-skill. She thought this was an
important skill for her to learn because she remembered that she
had often felt sad when she had not dared to taste some new food
that others had found delicious. She could also recall a few times
when she had been brave enough to taste something new and
then found it to be good.
As her supporters, Linda wanted to have her parents and her two
brothers. As her fantasy helper, she wanted to have Sniff from the
stories of the Moomin Valley. Sniff is fond of treats and always hun-
gry. Her mother got Linda a plate, a mug and a spoon decorated
with an image of Sniff.
Linda was keen to talk about her skill to everyone who hap-
pened to visit the family and she wanted to demonstrate her skill
62 The Solutions-focused Parent

by tasting whatever new flavours were served at the table. She also
wanted her parents to buy products from the supermarket that
she had not previously tasted, such as new varieties of yogurt and
fruits that were new to her.
In order for Linda’s parents to help her not to forget her skill, it
was agreed that they would use the code-word “yum-yum.” Linda
was very motivated to learn her skill and she courageously tasted
new flavours.
There were no real setbacks, but the code word “yum-yum” worked
well to encourage her when there were opportunities for her to taste
something that she would be reluctant to try. Sweet flavours were
easier. With savoury flavours, Linda needed more encouragement.
Linda acquired dozens of new flavours during her training period.
Pear yogurt, mandarins, and spinach soup became her new favour-
ites. Olives, blue cheese, and cabbage soup remained no-go, but even
these Linda tried to taste a few times.
Learning the skill went smoothly, and in a month the family cel-
ebrated Linda’s success with a delicacy party. At the party, Linda
served her supporters various delicacies, some of which were new.
As a token of thanks, she drew each of her supporters a picture of
their favourite delicacy.
Linda’s brothers, who had been supporting her, had also learned
to taste new foods because Linda had encouraged them to try
the new and unfamiliar flavours. When Linda tasted olives, she
managed to encourage her mother to taste them too. When they
tasted olives together, they had some good laughs at each other’s
grimaces.
Having learned the “yum-yum” skill, Linda wants to start learning
another skill. She has already decided that when she has learned
her next skill, she wants to have a princess party.
Selective eating and pooping

in pants, 5-year-old boy
Allan attended speech therapy due to his delayed speech develop-

ment, but he also had other challenges. One of them was that he
was very picky with eating. Due to his inadequate diet, he was often
Examples 63
hungry and cranky. His picky eating had caused him constipation. He
also had frequent stomach aches and constipation, which in turn had
made him avoid going to the toilet, with the result that he frequently
pooed into his trousers. In kindergarten, Allan refused to eat with
other children at the table. During lunchtime he hid behind the door
and refused to come out before the table was cleaned up.
Allan’s speech therapist had a meeting with the staff of the kin-
dergarten. In the meeting it was decided that the first skill for Allan
to learn was to eat lunch at the table together with other children.
This was such a big skill for Allan that the teachers decided to divide
it into smaller steps, the first being to learn to participate in setting
the table with the other children.
Allan quickly learned to participate in setting the table and was
praised by the staff and his parents for his accomplishment. His next
small skill was to learn to sit together with the other children at the
table during lunch without having to eat anything. When he mas-
tered that skill, he moved on to taking some food on his plate with-
out having to eat it. In this way, Allan progressed step-by-step until,
before long, he managed to eat together with the other children.
Once the eating problem had been conquered with the skills
approach, Allan’s parents brought up the toilet problem with the
speech therapist. Together they talked with Allan and proposed to
him that he would learn to go regularly to the toilet. Allan agreed.
He understood that not only would it make his parents happy, but
it would also help him avoid his tummy aches and be in a better
mood in the kindergarten.
When asked who he wanted to support him, Allan named his
parents, grandmother, and speech therapist. As his power creature,
he wanted to have his favourite Lego toy character. Allan’s mother
promised him that she would buy him that Lego character toy
when he learns to go regularly on the toilet.
Allan practised his skill by sitting some time on the toilet every
day. His mother encouraged him by staying close to him and prais-
ing him, regardless of whether or not he succeeded in producing
anything in the toilet.
Allan learned the skill of defecating into the toilet in a couple
of weeks. His mother bought him the Poop-King toy, as promised,
and Allan presented it proudly to his other supporters. He was so

proud of his accomplishment that he wanted to teach his skill to
others as well. “Look, you can also get a cool Lego character like
this if you learn to go to toilet,” he was overheard explaining to his
2-year-old cousin when she was visiting them with her parents.
Day wetting, 6-year-old boy
Sunny wet his trousers almost daily. He was so lively that he simply
didn’t have enough patience to go to the toilet to pee. His twin
brother Walter poked fun at him and his problem by calling him
“Wee-Sunny.”
Sunny’s parents suggested to him that he learn the skill of tak-
ing breaks during play in order to go to the toilet to wee. Because
Sunny and Walter were together practically all the time, a plan was
drawn up together with them whereby the boys would take breaks
together. Sunny would learn to go to wee, and Walter would not
have to suffer from the nuisance of the smell of wee in his nose.
Both boys wanted to give the skill a name. Sunny called his skill
“ants in the pants,” and Walter called it “Little tree” after a popular
air freshener brand for cars. Sunny’s supporters were mom, dad,
Walter, big brother (whom the twins looked up to), grandparents,
and Aunt Hanna with her two daughters, who were a couple of
years older than the twins. As his power creature, Sunny wanted
Spiderman because he was a Spiderman fan and liked to wear a
Spiderman outfit.
Sunny wanted to organise a costume party when he had learned
his skill. Both boys became excited about the thought and planned
to dress as Spiderman at the event.
Sunny practised diligently with the support of his twin brother and
his big brother. He often brought up the subject at breakfast, suggest-
ing that the boys draw up a plan together about how many breaks
they would take during the day and when those beaks would take
place. Aunt Hanna made Sunny an “Ants-in-the-Pants” poster, where
Sunny was allowed to paste a star sticker in the evening if he had prac-
tised his skill of taking breaks that day. He got a sticker for practising
his skill regardless of whether or not he had wet his pants that day.
The sticker was earned for keeping breaks – not for keeping dry.
Examples 65
It only took two weeks for Sunny to learn to take breaks, to wee
in the toilet instead of his trousers, and to stay dry all day long
for several days in a row. The celebration was organized, and all of
Sunny’s supporters turned up in a costume – including grandpa who
surprised everyone by wearing a bunny costume. Aunt Hanna baked
a Spiderman cake and big brother took Sunny on a ride on his new
motorcycle.
Refusal to use hearing aid, 7-year-old boy
Joe had a mild hearing disability. He had recently gotten hearing

aids to be used at school. The problem was that Joe kept removing
the hearing aids from his ears during the school day. This was not
good because to get used to wearing hearing aids, one needs to
use them all day long. Also, when Joe didn’t wear his hearing aids,
he couldn’t hear his teacher which led to him becoming restless
and disruptive in the class.
When asked why he kept removing his hearing aids, he said, “I
don’t know. I can’t help it. It happens automatically.” Joe’s audiolo-
gist decided to use the skills approach to help Joe learn the skill of
wearing his hearing aids throughout the day.
In a meeting with Joe and his parents, the audiologist first asked about
Joe’s skills, abilities, and hobbies. Joe was a skilful soccer player and an
expert on soccer. He could, for example, name all the players on the FC
Barcelona team by heart. When the audiologist asked him what skill he
needed to become better at, he said he wanted to learn to keep his hearing
aids on all day. He knew that this was an important skill for him to learn.
Keeping his hearing aids on all day would allow him to hear what his
teachers were saying, his marks would probably improve, and he wouldn’t
have to always sit in the front row in class.
“Let’s give a name for your skill,” said the audiologist. “What do you
want to call it?”
It was not a surprise that Joe wanted to call his skill “Messi” after
his football superstar. For his supporters, he wanted to have his par-
ents, his PE teacher, and one of his classmates. His power creature
was Superman. He explained that Superman has super hearing and
can hear people’s cries for help from far away.

The audiologist offered to give Joe a special certificate of achieve-
ment when he learned his Messi skill, but Joe was not interested in
certificates. Instead, he wanted to get a trophy, something similar
that the winning team gets in world soccer tournaments. Joe’s par-
ents agreed to make him one from paper mâché.
“How do you want your classmate and your teacher to remind you
if they see you removing your hearing aids from your ears?” asked the
audiologist.
Joe explained that he wanted them to do it discreetly by whis-
pering the word “Messi” to him.
After the meeting, Joe’s parents bought Joe a baseball cap
embellished with an image of Superman. Joe loved his Superman
cap and wore it at school every day. His parents also gave him a
notebook to keep a log of his progress and to allow them to praise
him each time he managed to break his previous record of keeping
his hearing aids on.
At school, when his classmates saw his Superman cap, they asked
him about it. He explained that his parents had given it to him to
remind him to wear his hearing aids at school. This encouraged his
classmates to ask him questions about his hearing handicap. He was
not able to answer all their questions, so his parents suggested that
he ask the teacher for permission to give the class a talk about his dis-
ability. Joe asked his audiologist to join him and together the two of
them spoke to the class. The classmates listened to them attentively
and everyone was willing to support him in remembering to keep his
hearing aids on in class. The audiologist brought along a special head-
set that all the students in the class could try on to get a sense of how
it feels to listen to sound through a hearing aid.
A few weeks later it had become evident that Joe had learned the
Messi skill and it was time to celebrate his achievement.
Fear of dogs, 7-year-old boy
Sam was afraid of dogs to the extent that he had to turn down his
classmates’ invitations to their birthday parties if the family owned
a dog. Sam’s mother, who had learned about the skills approach,
suggested to him that he might want to try to overcome his fear of
Examples 67
dogs with the help of this method. Sam became interested in the
idea. He understood that overcoming his fear meant that he could
take part in his friends’ birthday parties and that he would be able
to play with his cousins when he visited his auntie’s house, where
they had two small dogs.
“What skill do you need to learn in order to overcome your fear
of dogs?” his mother asked Sam.
“I need to learn to let dogs come close to me and let them sniff
me,” Sam answered. His mother was impressed by his answer. It
seemed to confirm the assertion that converting challenges into
skills comes naturally to children.
As his supporters, Sam wanted to have his mother, father, grand-
mother, and the two sisters with whom he often played, who lived
just across the street from their house. He named his skill “Tucker
skill.” When his mother asked him how he wished to celebrate
learning his skill, he said he wanted to invite all his supporters to a
party where everyone would have a chance to enjoy his favourite
delicacy, grandma’s carrot cake.
The next day, Sam saw through the window that one of their
neighbours was walking their dog on the street just outside their
house. “C’mon, let’s go!” he said to his mother.
“Where do you want us to go?” asked his mother.
“Our neighbour is walking their dog on the street. I want to go to
practise my skill.”
They went together to the street to greet the dog and its owner.
Sam assumed a squatting position, covered his face with his hands,
and allowed the dog to sniff him for a while.
“You did it. Well done, Sam!” said his mother in awe when Sam got
up and the dog walked on with its owner.
“Yes, I know,” said Sam with a proud look on his face. He con-
tinued in the same breath, “Let’s call Grandma and tell her what I
just did!”
When Sam had practised his skill on several occasions for a few
weeks, he had learned his skill and overcome his fear of dogs. One
day, a week or two after the party had been arranged, his mother
noticed out of the corner of her eye that Sam was teaching his
newly learned skill to his 3-year-old younger brother with the help
of a cuddly toy.

“Pretend that this is a dog,” he explained to his brother, “and allow
it to sniff you like this. You have nothing to be afraid of. In this way
you can get used to it and you don’t need to fear it at all.”
Sam’s mother found Sam’s eagerness to pass his newly acquired
skill to his brother amusing because his brother had never been afraid
of dogs.
Biting nails, 7-year-old boy
A mother was inspired by the skills approach and wanted to try it

with her son, Dan. She told him about the idea of overcoming chal-
lenges by learning skills and asked him if he had a problem that he
would want to solve using the approach.
“I don’t have any problems,” Dan said to his mother.
“You don’t need to have any problems,” his mother explained.
“We just need to find some skill for you to learn.”
“Okay,” said Dan, “in that case I would want to learn to stop biting
my nails.”
“That’s a good idea, Dan,” his mother said, “but what skill do you
think you need to learn to stop biting your nails?”
After giving the question some thought, they concluded that the
skill Dan needed to learn was to “take good care of my nails.”
“Do you want to have a power animal that will help you take
good care of your nails?” asked his mother. Dan’s eyes lit up. He
thought about a few different animals and ended up with a cha-
meleon. It was a cartoon character from one of his favourite picture
books. Dan drew a picture of the chameleon and while drawing he
also came up with a name for his skill. The name was “Flick,” the
name of the chameleon in the book.
When his mother asked Dan how he would want to celebrate
learning the skill, he didn’t need to think for long. He wanted to
organise a party at home, invite all his supporters, and also his aunt
and uncle. He wanted cake to be served and a board game to be
played.
As his supporters, Dan wanted to have his mother, father, grandfa-
ther, grandmother, and both of his brothers. Together with his mother
he wrote a letter to all his supporters. It said: “Dear supporter, you can
Examples 69
help me to learn to take good care of my nails. If you sometimes see
that I forget my skill, you can say to me “Flick.” When I have learned
to take good care of my nails, I will invite you to a party that I hope
you will come to.”
“I wonder if we can figure out a way for you to practise your skill,”
said his mother. “What can you do to learn to take good care of
your nails?”
Dan explained that for him the most challenging situations were
those in which he needed to do something within a fixed time;
for example, when he was supposed to complete a set of algebra
problems in 5 minutes. Based on this observation, Dan and his
mother designed an exercise. His mother gave Dan a problem that
he was supposed to complete within a set timeframe without bit-
ing his nails. His mother used her phone to capture Dan’s perfor-
mance on video. It was obvious from watching the video that Dan
was struggling hard to maintain his skill while performing the task.
Even though he brought his fingers to his mouth a couple of times,
he succeeded in refraining from biting his nails.
Dan decided to practise his skill by repeating daily the exercise
that had been recorded on video. He planned to post a picture of
the chameleon next to his desk at home so that he could remind
himself of his skill by glancing occasionally at the picture. For
school Dan drew a small picture of the chameleon that he kept in
his pencil case and placed on his desk during lessons to remind him
of his skill.
In addition to this, his mother helped Dan create a poster for his
skill. In the centre of the poster was a picture of a treasure chest. The
idea was that when his mother would cut Dan’s nails, they would be
collected and glued onto the treasure chest on the poster.
When Dan and his mother told the rest of the family about the
plan and showed them the letter they had written, everyone said
they wanted to support Dan. In fact, they were all so impressed by
the plan that they too started to talk about skills that they might
need to learn and about possible power creatures that might help
them learn those skills.
When Dan sat down next time to follow up on his nail-project a
week later, he proudly presented his hands to his mother: He had
succeeded in growing four nails! Dan allowed his mother to cut the

4 nails with nail scissors. The 4 cut nails were glued, as planned, into
the treasure chest on Dan’s poster.
“You succeeded in growing 4 nails,” said his mother, “and I feel
confident that you will succeed in growing more. What about you?
Do you feel confident that you can do it?”
“I can do it because I’m smart and I have good imagination,” Dan
said.
The planned celebration took place when his mother had cut
Dan’s nails 3 times. When asked what skill he wanted to learn next,
Dan mentioned his habit of spinning hair around his finger while he
was concentrating on doing something that required his full atten-
tion. Because of this habit he had an almost bald spot on one side
of his head. He was determined to conquer this bad habit using the
same approach he had used to conquer his habit of biting his nails.
Low self-esteem, 8-year-old girl
Amanda suffered from low self-esteem. She couldn’t see anything

good about herself and she was convinced that she would never
succeed at anything. During recess she was rude to other pupils,
calling them names and getting constantly into fights with them.
Her parents and her teachers had made many attempts to talk with
her about her attitude, but so far nothing had helped. She had also
gotten warnings, and she had been punished for her rude behav-
iour towards her classmates, but consequences had not had any
effect on her.
The classroom teacher in Amanda’s class was interested in the
skills approach and wanted to try the idea with Amanda. She asked
Amanda to have a one-on-one talk with her during the school day
after one of the lessons.
“Amanda, I would like you to learn a skill that I think would be
important for you to learn,” she said. Amanda was listening. “I want
you to start paying attention to things that you do that you succeed at.
I am going to give you this diary and I want you to write something in
it every day. I want you to write every day one thing – however small
– that you have done that went well, that you succeeded in doing.”
The teacher was unsure whether Amanda understood what she was
Examples 71
exactly supposed to learn, but she nevertheless succeeded in getting
Amanda to give a name to the skill of paying attention to her small
successes. The skill was to be called “Princess-skill.” Amanda admired
various teenage celebrities, princesses, and just about anything that
was pretty and girly.
Practising the Princess-skill turned out to be challenging for
Amanda. The next day the teacher met with Amanda at the end
of the school day to see what she had managed to write into her
diary. Amanda had not succeeded in reporting any successes. The
teacher realized that she had given Amanda an assignment that was
too difficult for her to carry out. She realized that Amanda needed
some assistance to be able to do the assignment. The teacher sat
down with Amanda to review her day and to identify a few things
that had happened that could be seen as small successes. The same
happened the next day. Amanda had not managed to identify any
successes and the page that was reserved for that day in her diary
was empty. Again, the teacher helped her review her day and to find
something to write into the diary. It took one whole week before
Amanda started to get the hang of it and finally managed to write
something in her diary on her own without her teacher helping her.
Amanda worked on her Princess diary for three more weeks
with the support of her teacher. The teacher gave her an embossed
sticker each time she managed to write a few lines of text into her
diary describing something she had succeeded with. Amanda
decorated her diary with the embossed scraps she got from her
teacher and a few weeks later they both agreed that Amanda had
learned the Princess skill.
Amanda’s progress was slow, but not long after starting with the
project the teacher heard from some of Amanda’s classmates that
they had observed some changes in her. According to her class-
mates, she started to smile during recess and the badmouthing she
was notorious for had diminished considerably.
When Amanda’s teacher asked her later if there was another skill
that she wanted to learn, she said she wanted to learn to give com-
pliments to her classmates and to tell nice things about them to her
teacher. She had already decided to call this skill “the Queen skill.”
When Amanda changed schools the following year, her teacher
from the new school called the teacher at her previous school to find

out what Amanda meant by asking her when she could start learning
a new skill. According to the teacher she had even given a name to her
next skill. It was to be called “the Cindy skill.”
Cursing, 8-year-old boy
Adam had been referred to a family guidance clinic evaluation

because of problems related to attention and impulsivity. There
he had been given the diagnosis of ADHD. At school Adam was
criticized, among other things, for constant cursing. His mother
was worried about his bad language but talking to him about it, or
reprimanding him, had had no effect on his behaviour. Adam was
himself not proud of his swearing, but he felt that the habit was
beyond his control.
Adam’s mother decided to talk about his cursing to the occupa-
tional therapist who Adam met with regularly. She was interested
in the skills approach and offered to try to help Adam to give up his
offensive language.
“What words could you use instead of swearwords when you
become angry?” she asked Adam.
“I could say “teddy” instead,” Adam suggested.
“That’s a great idea,” the therapist said. “You could pick up the
habit of saying “teddy bear” whenever there is something that
annoys you.”
Adam was crazy about teddy bears and therefore it was no wonder
that he wanted to call the skill “teddy bear skill.” When the thera-
pist asked him what good it would do to him to stop swearing and
to become good at the teddy bear skill, he said, “My teacher and my
mother wouldn’t get mad at me so often.”
As his power creature he wanted to have one of his favourite
teddy bears. “How can your teddy bear help you remember to
say “teddy” instead of using swear words?” asked the therapist.
This question sparked a conversation that led to a couple of useful
ideas. The teddy bear was placed on Adam’s bed to remind him of
his teddy bear skill, and at school a picture of a teddy bear that had
been cut out of paper was attached with tape onto the lid of his
desk.
Examples 73
In addition to his therapist, Adam’s supporters included his
mother, his teacher, and his father who lived in another city. Also,
his grandmother was informed, but her ability to support him was
limited because she lived far away. The therapist suggested that
Adam invite a few of his classmates to support him, but Adam was
not willing to do it. The therapist thought that his reluctance to
engage with his friends was a sign that he felt embarrassed of his
bad habit.
At first Adam was keen on developing his teddy bear skill, and
each time he managed to avoid using swearwords by saying “teddy”
instead, his supporters rewarded him with praise. He loved parties
and became quite excited when he learned that it would be possible
to celebrate his success in some way when he had learned his skill.
Not surprisingly, he wanted to plan the celebration to the theme of
teddy bears. Guests would naturally be served teddy gummies and
they would play a party game called “teddy’s tail,” in which blind-
folded players tried to attach the teddy bear’s tail to the right spot
on a picture of a teddy bear.
That Adam would stop swearing entirely seemed unrealistic, but
even just reducing swearing considerably was considered an achieve-
ment worthy of celebration. Adam practised his teddy bear skill with
the help of a role-play with his occupational therapist at the clinic and
with his mother at home. The role-play involved staging all kinds of
situations in which Adam pretended to be irritated and then, instead
of cursing, he embellished his language with the word “teddy” or
“teddy bear.” Adam liked the game, and it was therefore not difficult
to get him to agree to play it.
Adam experienced frequent setbacks, but the skills approach
helped his supporters to relate to him differently. When Adam for-
got his skill at home and began to swear again with a loud voice, his
mother reminded him of his teddy bear skill by holding Adam’s power
teddy in her hands and showing it to him. At school the picture of a
teddy served a similar function, as it gave his teacher the option of
not saying anything but simply pointing to the picture of the teddy
instead.
Gradually Adam’s swearing lessened to the extent that the
planned party could be arranged. He had also succeeded in gather-
ing an impressive collection of teddy bear stickers that his mother

had given to him every time he succeeded in replacing swearwords
with “teddy bear.”
The party was held, and it was a success. After everyone had had
some cake, Adam thanked both his mother and his occupational ther-
apist for their support. When the therapist asked him what skill he
would want to learn next, Adam explained to her that his mother had
the bad habit of calling other drivers in traffic idiots and suggested
that his mother learn the skill of replacing the word “idiot” with the
word “sausage.” Adam’s mother agreed to his proposal, and he prom-
ised to remind her to help her remember to replace “idiot” with ”sau-
sage” while driving in traffic.
His mother, on her part, told the therapist that Adam had a bad
habit of waking up at night and crawling into her bed, which was a
problem because she usually woke up and often found it difficult
to go to sleep again. Adam understood that his mother deserved to
have a good night’s sleep, but was nevertheless not keen on learn-
ing to sleep in his own bed through the night. However, he agreed
to the plan that a mattress would be placed on his mother’s bed-
room floor, and he would learn to crash on the mattress instead of
crawling into his mother’s bed.
Concentration problem, 9-year-old boy
Tom had been placed in a small special class due to his impulsivity. He
had the bad habit of shouting out with a loud voice whatever thoughts
happened to come to his mind. And when he began talking, it was
difficult to interrupt him or to make him stop. His manner of commu-
nication was disturbing other pupils and led to numerous arguments
and fights with his fellow classmates.
Another challenge of Tom’s was that it was very difficult for him to
concentrate on listening to his teacher. His own thoughts appeared
to race so fast that he often failed to hear what the teacher had just
said. If the teacher, or the teacher’s assistant, tried to find out from
him whether he had heard the teacher’s instruction, he tended to
become irritated and began to blame the adult for bugging him.
Tom’s third challenge was that he did not tolerate his teacher,
or the assistant teacher, helping him with his assignments. When
Examples 75
they tried, he began to crank and speak rudely to the teacher or the
assistant teacher. Even an adult standing near him observing him
working on his task was enough to irritate him when he himself felt
that he didn’t need any help.
All the pupils in the special class were learning skills guided by the
teacher. Tom’s first skill was called “note skill.” The purpose of the
skill was to help him overcome his habit of calling out his thoughts
in a high voice during lessons. This is what he wrote about the note
skill into his notebook.
“When during the lesson something important pops into my mind

that I would want to say immediately to the teacher, instead of saying
it, I write it on a notepad that I have on my desk. After the lesson I can
go to the teacher to tell her what I had in mind. Even if I cannot say
immediately what I have in mind, I don’t become nervous because the
note helps me remember what I wanted to say. I have been amazed
at the number of notes that I have written. My classmates say that
my skill has had a calming effect on the whole class because many
times the things that I say have to do with microcircuits and electron-
ics rather than with what is being taught during the lesson. I have also
concentrated better during the lessons now, as I have been able to put
aside the things that pop up in my mind. I have noticed that I do not
always need to go to the teacher after the lesson to tell her about the
things I have written in my notes. It has been sufficient for me to write
my thoughts down for myself. I have also enjoyed reading my notes
afterwards.”
Tom’s second skill was related to his difficulty concentrating on follow-

ing his teachers’ instructions. He called this “the robot skill.” It meant
that after the teacher had given the pupils in the class an instruction,
she turned to Tom and asked him if he had heard and understood the
instruction. If he had, he answered the teacher in a robot-like voice:
“Instruction copied!” As one might guess, Tom was very interested in
robots, and for him talking in a robot-like voice was so much fun that
he looked forward to the teacher giving instructions to the class.
Tom’s third skill was called “Help-skill.” It had to do with his dif-
ficulty with accepting help from adults. Together with his teacher he
found a way of practising his Help-skill. He laminated a card, which

he had coloured orange on one side and green on the other. On the
orange side he had written in large text, “Please help!” and on the
green side, “No thanks, no help needed right now.”
The colourful card helped the teacher and the assistant teacher
see from a distance when Tom needed help and when he didn’t
want anyone to help him. In this way, nobody needed to go next to
him to see how he was managing his assignments. With the help of
the card Tom learned to ask for help, and to refuse help, appropri-
ately and in an acceptable fashion.
Tom learned many skills during the school year. By the end of the
following year, he had made so much progress that he was trans-
ferred from the special education class to a regular class.
Meltdowns, 9-year-old boy
Marco suffered from meltdowns, or temper tantrums. This meant

he had the habit of reacting to disappointments in an emotional
way that was way out of proportion with whatever had happened
that had provoked the reaction. Even minor frustrations and ordi-
nary everyday challenges in the classroom were overwhelming to
Marco and enough to cause him to have a meltdown.
Marco’s teacher had a one-on-one talk with him. She asked him
what skill he needed to learn to be happier at school. Marco explained
that he “wanted to stop feeling frustrated and crying.” He said crying
made him feel “down and unable to do anything about the situation.”
“So, tell me, Marco, what do you need to learn that will help you
to stop feeling frustrated and crying? What do you need to learn
to do instead in situations that are difficult for you to handle?” the
teacher asked. This was by no means a simple question for Marco,
but after a while, with a little help from his teacher, he concluded
that he needed to learn to “ask for help” in situations that were diffi-
cult for him. And to ask for help he needed to learn to raise his hand
to signal to the teacher that he needed help.
“I think that’s a really good idea, Marco. You will surely benefit
from learning to do that. And what will you call that skill? What shall
we call the skill that you need to learn?”
“The helping hand skill,” Marco said.
Examples 77
“That makes sense,” said the teacher. “The helping hand skill will
help you convert your meltdown moments into moments of guidance
and support. I think it’s a lovely idea. Perhaps you should also pick a
superhero that will help you learn the skill and remind you of your
skill when you feel like crying and shouting.”
Marco found the idea appealing. He chose a cool and composed
superhero from one of his favourite computer games and used
the computer skilfully to create an image where his superhero was
standing proudly with his hand raised. He pasted the image onto
his desk to support him and to remind him of his skill.
His superhero was certainly useful for him, but even more useful
was the support and help that he got from his peers. All the other
pupils in the class were excited to play their part in helping him.
They knew that it was difficult for Marco to control his emotions
and understood that he might indeed benefit from developing
the helping hand skill, or the skill of requesting help when he felt
overwhelmed.
It took time to get Marco to remember to use the helping hand skill,
but even if slow, his progress was steady. He himself came up with the
idea of sitting next to the teacher in the classroom so that it would be
easier for him to request help from her when needed. Gradually Marco
began to realise that he could do things without having to burst out
shouting and crying even if he found the task overwhelming. Instead,
he could raise his hand and get someone to support and help him.
Above all, he no longer needed to feel isolated because of his extra
sensitivity. He now had a team of people eager to help and support
him.
Marco realised that raising his hand to request support worked
well and the teacher could see that he was proud and happy every
time he succeeded in doing so. His self-confidence improved to the
extent that for the first time he started cutting and pasting his own
worksheets and working on his own books in class. To celebrate his
achievement Marco chose to watch a movie with his classmates.
The teacher supported Marco’s development not only by respond-
ing promptly to him when he raised his hand for help, but also by tak-
ing photos of his achievements and surprising his parents by emailing
the photos to them.

At the time of telling this story the project is still ongoing. The
teacher says that she feels proud of Marco’s progress. She keeps
reminding him daily of the importance of continuing to practice his
skill and feels confident that the time will come when Marco can
move on to learning some additional skills that he will benefit from
having in his life.
Sibling rivalry, 11-year-old girl
One of my best friends asked me to talk to Diana, a lovely girl and

the youngest of her 4 daughters. My friend explained to me that
she was worried about Diana because she was constantly getting
into arguments with her sister who was 2 years older than herself.
The arguments were mostly verbal, but there had been incidents
when she had hit her sister too. The two older siblings, who had
already moved out of the home, were reluctant to come home for
Christmas because they detested Diana’s aggressive behaviour and
couldn’t help but react to her behaviour by shouting at her.
I talked with Diana at her home. We began our conversation by
talking about regular things such as school and friends. I asked her
about Christmas and whether she thought her older siblings would
come home for Christmas. She was very much looking forward to see-
ing them again and getting to hug them. I then asked her about her
2-year older sister. She said that she was her favourite sister, that she
loved her very much and enjoyed playing with her.
“What about your sister? Would she agree with you?” I asked her.
“Probably not,” she said.
“How come?” I asked.
“Because she thinks I don’t love her.”
“Why is that?”
“It’s because I fight with her all the time.”
“You fight with her? How come? You just said she is your favour-
ite sister.”
“I fight with her because she picks fights with me. She provokes.
She’s the one who starts all the fights.”
“How does it make you feel when she starts a fight?”
Examples 79
“I don’t like it. She makes fun of me. If I don’t understand what she
says, she is nasty to me.”
“And what do you do then?”
“I become angry, and I want to fight with her. I feel like I am not
important. I hate being the youngest one in our family!”
“You are right. You are the youngest and it can sometimes be
hard to be the youngest, but I don’t think we can change that. Is
there something else we could change to make you happier?”
“Could you tell her to stop teasing me?”
“I can do that, but do you think it will work? Do you think she will
stop provoking you if I tell her to stop teasing you?”
“No, I think she will provoke me even if you tell her to stop. My
mother can tell her to stop, but she did already, and it didn’t help.”
“I have an idea. What if we try to find a skill for you to learn?”
“What kind of skill? How to become better at fighting with her?”
“I don’t think that would be a good skill for you to learn. I think it
would just make your mother more upset.”
“That’s true. So, what kind of skill do you mean?”
“What if you learned the skill of reacting without feeling bad?
What if you learned to respond to her “insults” in a different way, by
just smiling at her or saying something nice to her? If you succeed
in doing that, everyone would be happier. What do you think?”
“Okay. It will be fun. I will surprise them all.”
“You would certainly surprise everyone. But it’s not an easy skill
to learn. How could you learn to be more patient with her?”
“I need to learn to think before I say anything.”
“That’s a smart idea: “to think before saying anything.” What should
you think about before saying anything?”
“I need to think about how what I say influences my sister. I need
to say something that will not provoke or hurt her.”
“Would you say that the skill you need to learn is to learn to react
thoughtfully? Is that correct?”
“Yes. To learn to react thoughtfully.”
Once we had come to an agreement about the skill she would
benefit from learning, I asked her about what good learning that
skill would do her. She was able to list several things. She said
that she would feel better and wouldn’t be so angry at her sisters.

Instead of fighting, they would have a laugh at the dinner table,
and her older sisters would no longer need to be afraid of visiting
home. “If I react with a smile and don’t get upset, they will be nicer
to me in return,” Diana said.
I asked Diana to give a name to her skill, but the idea was not
appealing to her.
“I don’t want the skill to have any name,” she said. “It can just be
how to react thoughtfully.”
As her supporter she wanted her mother. “I am sure she will be more
than happy to support you,” I said. “She told me that you are good at learn-
ing things. She told me that you learned a difficult kata in your karate
class and that you were the first child in your group to learn it.”
I then asked Diana how she wanted to celebrate learning the
skill. Once again, she turned me down instantly. “I don’t want to
celebrate,” she said. “There is no need to celebrate such a thing.”
“Okay, no need to celebrate,” I said, “but what about next time we
meet, if you have succeeded in developing your skill, we go for a cup of
hot chocolate, just the two of us? Deal?”
“Yes, that’s a good idea,” she said. “I love hot chocolate.”
“Will you let your sister know about the skill you are going to
learn?” I asked Diana.
“No, I won’t. My mother will know about it, but I don’t want my
sister to know. If she knows, she will just tease me more.”
Before we ended our heart-to-heart talk, I invited Diana to role-
play with me various provoking scenarios where she had to show
me how she could stay calm, react with a smile, or say something
funny.
I spoke with Diana about a month later. When I asked her how
things were going, she said she was happy because there had not been
much fighting between her and her sisters. “I always try to think in
advance about how much I love them and to find ways to show them
my love.” I was delighted to hear the good news and invited her for a
nice cup of hot chocolate.
When I met with Diana’s mother sometime later, she told me that
Diana’s behaviour had changed significantly. She had learned to be
calm at the dinner table, she made jokes that were not intended as
insults, and her general mood at home had improved considerably.
Examples 81
Concentration problem, 12-year-old boy
Walter had been given the diagnosis of ADHD. He was so disrup-

tive in class that his teacher had sent him several times to talk to
the principal of the school. His marks were low in comparison to
his intelligence. His mother had tried to support him by helping
him with his homework in the evenings, sometimes for hours on
end. Walter wasn’t too bothered about his problems himself. He
admitted that his hyperactivity gave him some problems during
lessons but pointed out that it also had some benefits. Because
of his hyperactive temperament he constantly came up with new
ideas and was hugely popular among friends.
Walter sat in a meeting with his parents and his guidance coun-
sellor at school. The conversation revolved around the question of
what skills Walter needed to develop in order for his distractibility
not to give him so many problems at school. Three such skills were
identified: “The ability to stop doing something disturbing,” “the
skill of returning to class calmly after having been dismissed from
class,” and “the skill of speaking with nobody else but the teacher
during the lessons.”
“Which one of these three important skills would you want to
focus on?” the teacher asked Walter. He chose to focus on the third
skill, the skill of only talking to the teacher during lessons.
The guidance counsellor asked Walter to give a name to the skill,
but he declined because he thought that naming the skill was a child-
ish idea. He also showed no interest in choosing a power creature
to help him learn his skill. That idea, too, appeared childish to him.
Instead, he was keen on discussing the benefits of learning the skill.
The teacher wrote down the various benefits that were mentioned
in the conversation on a flip chart: The relationship between Walter
and his teacher would improve, he would get better grades, he would
be more successful in the future at work or college, and above all, he
would become more self-confident.
As his supporters Walter wanted to have his parents, his teacher,
and two of his classmates. The guidance counsellor helped Walter
draft a letter to his teacher to explain to her what skill he was going
to learn and request her to keep an eye on his efforts and progress.

Walter also intended to make an agreement with the two classmate
supporters that they would help him by deliberately refraining from
answering his questions during lessons. The guidance counsellor got
permission from Walter to inform two more of his teachers about his
project.
The guidance counsellor asked Walter to demonstrate his skill
in a role-play in which he was to listen attentively to the guidance
counsellor while both of his parents were doing their best to dis-
tract him. Walter passed the test with distinction and was praised
by his parents and the counsellor.
Walter was genuinely motivated to learn his skill. When he came
back home that day, he made a poster for his skill with his parents.
It stated the skill that he was learning and had lots of empty space
for Walter’s parents, and perhaps other people too, to write encour-
aging words to him.
“Suppose your teacher sometimes sees that you are talking dur-
ing lessons with some of your classmates. How would you want her
to remind you of your skill?” asked the guidance counsellor.
“She moves around the class anyway, so she can come over to
me and whisper something to me.”
“Okay, and what would you want her to whisper to you?” asked
the guidance counsellor.
“She can say to me, “come back.”” Walter’s proposal was added.
An agreement was made with Walter about how others might
remind him of his skill if he sometimes forgot the skill at school.
Walter suggested that in that case the teacher could come near to
him and whisper to him the words, “come back.” This suggestion was
added to the letter that was to be given to Walter’s teacher.
During the next few weeks, Walter’s teacher reported to his parents
that he was making progress and getting better grades in exams. His
teacher had spoken with the parents and said that Walter had become
more attentive and that she had become confident that he would do
well in the future.
When there was a consensus that Walter had learned his skill, the
guidance counsellor gave him a certificate of achievement. To cel-
ebrate his accomplishment, Walter, his parents and his two friends
went out for pizza together. In the restaurant Walter thanked both his
friends and his parents for supporting him.
Examples 83
Interrupting, 12-year-old girl
Sara had several challenges. She was overweight, she had a short
attention span and she often got into fights with her friends. She
was diagnosed with ADHD, and she had been recommended
medication, but her parents didn’t like the idea of putting her on
medication.
Sara’s teacher invited Sara and her parents to come to the school
for a meeting to discuss how the school could best support Sara’s
learning. The teacher had asked Sara’s parents to think in advance
about what skills she needed to develop to be more successful at
school. The topic had been discussed at home and her mother had
written down a few skills that the parents thought Sara might ben-
efit from becoming better at. These included “the skill that I do not
interrupt adults when they speak,” “the skill to raise my hand in
class when I want to speak,” “the skill of being kinder towards my
brother,” (Sara had physically attacked her handicapped brother on
repeated occasions) and “the skill of sitting in my place in class for
longer periods of time.”
“Those are all good skills for Sara to learn,” said the teacher. “We
just need to decide which one to start with.”
The parents gave the question some thought and concluded that
for the moment the most important skill for Sara to learn was to not
interrupt adults. Sara agreed. She said, “I know I am too impatient.”
It was not difficult for Sara to think of what benefits learning the
skill would bring: “My friends would respect me more and they would
like to be with me more. I think I might even make some new friends.
I wouldn’t be told off so often at school and I wouldn’t be dismissed
from class as often. I would be able to listen to the teachers better and
I wouldn’t be criticized so much anymore.”
The teachers suggested Sara give a name to her skill. Sara wanted
to call the skill “waiting tone.” She explained that often when you call
a number there is an automated answering machine that tells you to
wait until a person will talk to you. While you are waiting you must
listen to some boring music, to a waiting tone.
Sara wanted as her supporters her teacher, both her parents, her
maternal and paternal grandmothers, two of her good friends, and

her dance instructor. She approached each of them to ask them to
support her. All of them said yes.
When the teacher asked Sara if she wanted to have a power crea-
ture to help her, she initially didn’t understand the idea. The teacher
explained to her that a power creature is a cartoon character, or
imaginary friend, that reminds her of her skill and gives her extra
powers while she is learning her skill. Having heard the teacher’s
explanation she immediately knew that she wanted a certain horse
to be her power creature. The horse she was thinking about was
known for its patience and docile character.
“How can the horse help you to learn your skill?” asked the
teacher.
“I will keep a picture of the horse in my back pocket and when-
ever I have to wait for something, I will pull it out from my pocket
and keep staring at it until it is my turn,” she explained.
“That’s a brilliant idea,” said the teacher, “but how will you
remember to do that?”
“I will say to myself “stop,” and pull the picture out of my pocket.”
Sara became very excited when the topic of celebration was dis-
cussed at the end of the meeting. She wanted to arrange a barbe-
cue party and invite all her supporters and her entire dance team.
“What do you think?” the teacher asked her parents. “Will Sara be
able to do it? Will she succeed at learning her waiting tone skill?”
“You will learn it if you want,” the parents said to her, “because
you are a strong girl and you are our daughter.” Sara was beaming
as she listened to her parents’ encouraging words.
“I think it would be useful if all your classmates knew that you
are learning the waiting tone skill. Do you want to tell them yourself
or would you prefer me to let them know?” asked the teacher. Sara
answered that she wanted her teacher to inform her classmates. She
also agreed to the idea that the teacher would place a notebook on her
desk where everyone, including Sara herself, could write their obser-
vations about Sara’s progress.
Sara learned her skill sooner than anyone had expected and the
barbecue that was arranged to honour her progress was a great suc-
cess. When the teacher asked her later what skill she wanted to
learn next, she said she wanted to learn to use the waiting tone skill
Examples 85
elsewhere also, for example in her dance class, with her friends, and
with her brother.
Temper tantrum,12-year-old girl
The following story was told by a foster father.

We have had foster children in our family for over 20 years. Fanny,
who has been diagnosed with both ADHD and Foetal Alcohol
Syndrome (FAS), has lived with us for 4 years now. She was previ-
ously placed in another family, but it didn’t work out. Her foster par-
ents had found her too difficult to handle.
Since Fanny has lived with us, we have built her up from the very
low place she was
in when she was placed with us. We made sure that the whole
family responded to Fanny in a positive manner, praising her for her
achievements and building her up with comments, such as “Wow,
you look really nice today,” or “The outfit you have chosen suits you
really well.” It was important to gain Fanny’s trust, knowing that she
had been let down by many people like us before.
Fanny’s biggest problem was that she had frequent vicious melt-
downs. She would blow up at anything that upset her. During her
attack she would lay kicking and screaming on the floor, and she
would keep on pinching herself and anyone who happened to be
around. If any of us tried to interfere, it only made things worse. If
she was safe, we would just let her carry on until she finally stopped
out of mere exhaustion.
When I learned about the skills approach in a weekend seminar
I attended, I couldn’t wait to get home and give it a go. I called
Fanny in and told her that I had had a wonderful day. “I’m the best,
because you can’t have had a brilliant day like me,” I said to her,
knowing from previous experience how she would respond.
“Loser, mine was better than yours!” she said as I expected and
then went on to tell me about her great day.
I told Fanny about the skills approach that I had learned during the
weekend and told her some examples of how children had overcome
behaviour problems by learning skills. I had a clear idea of what skill
I wanted her to learn; according to my understanding, if she was to

avoid her meltdowns, she needed to learn to talk about her feelings,
to tell us why she was upset so that we could help her find a better way
to cope with her disappointment.
I explained to Fanny what skill I thought she needed to learn:
the skill of talking to someone when she was upset to let them
know how she felt about what happened. I explained to her that
when I got confused, or something happened that I didn’t like, I too
needed to talk to someone. She appeared to understand. After all,
the meltdowns were exhausting for her and a nuisance for every-
one else in the family. Fanny agreed with me that talking to some-
one would be a better thing to do than to have a meltdown.
We talked for a while about the benefits of learning the skill. She
would avoid getting upset and exhausted and we would all be hap-
pier in the house. In addition, we would be able to go to some inter-
esting places that we hadn’t dared to take her before.
I asked Fanny to give a name to the skill, but she couldn’t think of
anything. When I asked her to describe what went on inside of her
just before she became upset, she explained that there was a whir-
ring feeling in her head. We tried together to find a name for her
skill and eventually decided it would be called “the Whirring Skill.”
As her power creature Fanny wanted to have the Mask, a charac-
ter from one of her all-time favourite movies by the same name. She
explained that when the main character, played by Jim Carrey, put
on the mask, he whirred around and while he was whirring, he was
indestructible and able to do just about anything. I was impressed
by her creative thinking.
As her supporters Fanny wanted to name me, her mother, and
her two older sisters. She explained that as this was her first attempt
using the skills approach, she didn’t want too many people to know
about it.
Our whole family supported her. All of us told her that we knew
she could do it and reminded her of how much progress she had
made whilst living with us and of the many things she was now
able to do that she never thought she could do before.
Fanny liked the idea that there would be a celebration when she
had learned the skill. She wanted it to happen at McDonald’s with
her circle of supporters. I tried to suggest to her something less
fancy, such as her supporters playing Xbox with for half an hour,
Examples 87
but she didn’t buy my suggestion. “Dad, this is my first skill. We
must celebrate it properly.”
We then went on to role-play various scenarios where she would
become upset and then respond by coming to me to tell me that
her head was whirring. Fanny’s mother joined us and made a video
recording of us doing the role-play. I did something to upset her,
and she pretended to be upset. She then said “Mask,” and whirred
around as she went to her mother to tell her that I was trying to
upset her, and she didn’t like it. I would then say, “I’m sorry for
upsetting you.” That’s how the scenario played out.
We tried to make sure to repeat a version of the role-play a
couple of times a week. Fortunately, Fanny found our role-play
hilarious, and we were sure to praise her for how good she was at
expressing herself with words to avoid meltdowns. Practising the
skill in this way was fun for the entire family; listening to half
an hour of a chid screaming and shouting had been replaced with
laughter and fun.
When I asked Fanny how she wanted us to remind her of the
Whirring Skill if any of us felt she needed to be reminded of it, she
came up with a creative solution. “You can just ask me, “Where’s the
Mask?”” and needless to say, in order for us to be able to do it in the
right way, she had us watch The Mask more than once.
We made an agreement with Fanny that if she managed to use her
new skill for 4 weeks, we would celebrate by going together with her
to McDonald’s.
Fanny enjoyed the skills approach. In fact, she enjoyed it so much
that she had trouble staying on task because she was constantly
getting ideas of what other skills she wanted to start learning using
the same approach.
Over the years a great many experts and experienced people
had tried to help Fanny but this was the first time anyone had tried
to do it by replacing her problem with a skill that she could learn.
The approach had a massive impact on this little girl who, for most
of her life, had been described by other people as problematic,
disturbed, or naughty. Next year, when Fanny was in 6th grade
at school, she became a mentor for some younger children in the
third grade who needed support in learning the Whirring Skill.

Gaming addiction, 14-year-old boy
Simon had been a successful student at school, but during the last
semester his grades had dropped, he had neglected his personal
hygiene, and he had started to sleep restlessly. His mother had
heard him scream in his sleep, “Kill them, kill them!” There was a
reason for his deterioration: He had become severely addicted to
a popular online first-person shooter video game. There had been
many arguments about his gaming at home. Once when his mother
had threatened to pull the plug from his computer, he had become
furious and threatened to attack her if she would even lay a finger
on any of the computer cords.
His mother reserved an appointment with their family doctor to go
and talk with her about the thorny situation together with Simon. As
soon as she had briefly explained the situation to the family doctor,
she turned to him and asked him questions about the video game that
he played. “What kind of a game is it?” “Are you good at it?” “How did
you become so good at it?” “Do you play by yourself, or do you have a
team online?” “What fascinates you about the game?” “Can you show
me some pictures of scenes of the game?” The family doctor showed
that she was interested in both his mother’s concerns and Simon’s fas-
cination with the game.
As the meeting was nearing its end, the doctor began to wonder
aloud what skill Simon would perhaps need to develop in order for
the arguments about his playing to subside and for peace to return
to the family. Because none of them were able to come up with a
suggestion, the doctor suggested to the mother and Simon that
they would reserve another appointment with her in two weeks to
continue the conversation. She also gave both a homework assign-
ment. To the mother she said, “I want you to talk with your husband
and to think about what skill you would want Simon to learn that
would help you put an end to the arguments about playing.” Then
she turned to Simon and said, “I have a homework assignment for
you too, Simon. Your parents will be thinking about what skill they
want you to learn, and your job is to give a name to that skill. I will
look forward to seeing you again in two weeks and I am already
curious to find out what you will come up with.”
Examples 89
When Simon and his mother came back in two weeks, they both
appeared to be in a good mood compared to how they had looked
when they came in the previous time. Simon’s mother reported that
there had been fewer arguments about playing and that Simon
had devoted a little bit more time to his schoolwork.
“Did you talk with your husband about what skill you would
want Simon to learn?” the doctor asked the mother.
“We thought about it and came to the conclusion that while get-
ting him to stop playing his video game is unrealistic, he should
learn to take longer breaks from playing. For example, he should be
able to put the game aside when he does his homework or when
he sits with us at the dinner table.”
“That sounds like a good idea to me,” said the doctor. “What
about you, Simon? Did you do your homework? Have you found a
name for the skill your parents would want you to develop?”
“I have”, said Simon. “The name of that skill is “formatting.””
The conversations with the family doctor helped to initiate a pro-
ject that had positive effects not only on Simon’s gaming addiction,
but also on the rest of the family’s screen time use as well. When his
mother and Simon came to talk to the family doctor the third time,
the doctor suggested that the family might perhaps celebrate in some
way the positive changes that had been accomplished.
Simon said, “We can celebrate, but not until my brother has also
learned the same skill that I have learned.”
***
I hope that you have been inspired by the case stories that I have
presented in this chapter and that you feel ready to check out the
next chapter in which I address, in alphabetical order, all common
children’s challenges from A to Z.

Photo by Samu Lopez on Unsplash
7
CHILDREN’S CHALLENGES
FROM A TO Z
A good tool is good for many purposes.
DOI: 10.4324/9781003435723-7
I
n this chapter you will find an alphabetical listing of common –
and also some not so common – children’s challenges and prob-
lems and my suggestion for how to understand and tackle them
using the skills approach.
Attention deficit disorder
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD, is not a bodily

illness or brain disorder that can be detected with laboratory tests or
brain scans. Rather the term refers to a syndrome, a compilation of
behavioural problems including difficulties in concentration, impulse
control, and planning, coupled with fidgeting and hyperactivity. The
diagnosis is a double-edged sword; it has both positive and negative
consequences. Positive consequences include:
● It reduces parents’ possible feelings of guilt over the child’s

problems,
● The child may get more understanding and assistance at school,
● The child can be prescribed stimulant medication, which may
improve their attention span and reduce their impulsivity in the
short-term,
● The child may feel better about themselves by thinking that
there is a legitimate medical cause for their difficulties.
Negative consequences include:
● Stimulant medication has side effects and contrary to common

belief is not beneficial in the long-term,
● The diagnosis and the resulting stimulant medication reduce
parents’ and educators’ interest in developing and trying out
non-drug methods to help the child,
● The child adopts the false belief that there is something wrong
with their brain and that it is impossible for them to learn to
control their own behaviour,
● The child’s parents become dependent on experts for help.

If you want to support your child with the ADHD diagnosis in a way that
is consistent with the skills approach, ignore the diagnosis and focus on
your child’s difficulties instead. List your child’s difficulties on a piece of
paper, regard them as separate problems unrelated to each other, and
convert each of them, one by one, into a skill your child can improve.
In other words, help your child with an ADHD diagnosis in exactly
the same way you would help them if they hadn’t been given the
ADHD diagnosis. Talk to your child about which skills they would
benefit from getting better at to make their life easier and to be more
successful at school and hobbies alike.
When you embark on a skill that your child is interested in learn-
ing – say, learning to accept failure or to keep their room tidy – help
your child start a project to develop that skill.
Children with an ADHD diagnosis usually have several challenges,
which means that they have room for improvement with several skills.
When children have many skills they would need to become better at, it
is smart to allow the more challenging skills to stay on the waiting list
and start with a skill on the easy end of the continuum, a skill that your
child is motivated to learn and likely to improve quickly. Once your child
has succeeded at learning one skill, it is likely that they will be interested
in learning more skills that are beneficial for them.
To learn more about using the skills-based approach with children diagnosed
with ADHD, read the stories of 8-year-old Adam and the 12-year-olds
Walter and Sara in the previous chapter.
Bipolar disorder
Bipolar disorder, previously known as manic depressive illness, used to

be a diagnosis that was only given to adults, never to children. The idea
that children could also be diagnosed as suffering from manic depres-
sive illness was originally introduced in 1969 in Sweden, but the real
breakthrough in applying this diagnosis to children took place in the
USA in 1995 with the publication of the article “Paediatric-Onset Bipolar
Disorder: A Neglected Clinical and Public Health Problem.”
Children’s challenges from A to Z 95

Childhood bipolar disorder, or paediatric bipolar disorder (PBD),
is a highly disputed diagnosis. In the USA, where child psychiatry
is very drug-focused, the number of children given this diagno-
sis has skyrocketed during the past few decades and nowadays,
it is not uncommon in the US even for toddlers to be given this
diagnosis.
European child psychiatrists have been much more cautious in giv-
ing this diagnosis to children. In the USA there have been attempts to
halt the overuse of the diagnosis and the consequential medicating of
children. The PBD diagnosis has been removed from DSM-5, the offi-
cial classification system of psychiatric problems, and doctors have
been guided to label children with other diagnoses instead. A popular
replacement label is the newly added term disruptive mood dysregula-
tion disorder.
The main reason why PBD is controversial is because its defi-
nition is so broad and vague that practically any child with swift
mood changes or frequent tantrums can be given this diagnosis.
According to critics, the PBD diagnosis is nothing but a label that
has been invented from scratch and marketed with massive input
from the pharmaceutical industry, a label that is used to justify the
prescribing of psychosis medication and other strong psychophar-
maceutical drugs to children.
Whether your child has been given this dubious diagnosis or
not, you can help them improve their ability to control their intense
emotions with the skills approach. The PBD diagnosis does not
tell us what specific challenges the child has, but it can safely be
assumed that a child who has been given this diagnosis suffers
from swift changes of mood and tantrums. These are problems
that can be tackled with the skills approach regardless of whether
the child has been given the PBD diagnosis or not.
If your child suffers from tantrums, you may want to start by
helping them overcome that challenge first. You can find instruc-
tions on how to tackle tantrums in this chapter under the heading
“Tantrums.” Once your child has gained control over their tantrums,
he or she will probably be interested and motivated to use the
same method to also get some control over their mood swings.

Biting
By "biting here," I am referring to a situation where a child who is over

3 years of age unexpectedly bites, pinches, or hits other individuals –
whether they are children or adults – without any apparent reason.
The child’s behaviour is perplexing because there seems to be no rea-
son for it, and it’s not associated with any kind of anger or aggression.
Years ago, when a good friend of mine consulted me because of
her 2-year-old son’s persistent biting behaviour, I did some research
on this topic and bumped into an interesting approach to dealing
with the problem of biting. The approach was proposed by propo-
nents of Adlerian child-rearing, an approach to parenting based on
the theories of the Austrian psychiatrist Alfred Adler that has been
one of the inspirations for the development of the skills approach
presented in this book.
In that approach the parent tells the biting child, “Oh, I see, you
want to play the biting game?” When the child says “yes,” the parent
starts to play a game with the child where the parent asks the child
to bite them very gently on the arm. Then the parent returns the
bite and bites the child in the arm as gently as the child bit them.
Next the parent asks the child to bite them again but this time just
a little bit harder, and again the parent returns the biting just a lit-
tle bit harder. The game continues with increasingly harder biting
until the biting hurts the child so much that he or she no longer
wants to continue the game. With the help of this biting game the
child quickly realizes that biting hurts and that the game is not fun
at all. It should be emphasised that the biting game is meant to
be a game, not a way of punishing the child. The aim of the biting
game is to give the child an opportunity to learn how biting feels
and how it influences people without reprimanding them or telling
them off.
The following story offers another interesting approach to biting
problems. A 5-year-old child had a strange habit of shoving other chil-
dren with his extended arms with the result that they would trip over,
start to cry, and sometimes also hurt themselves. The boy appeared to
get some sort of naughty satisfaction from scaring others in this way.

Needless to say, conventional ways to try to stop him from shoving
others – scolding him, reasoning with him, and informing his parents
– had been to no avail. Finally, one of the boy’s teachers came up with
a creative idea. She talked to the boy and proposed that he try another
way of scaring his peers. Instead of shoving them, he could try and see
what happened if he scared them in a different way, by going close to
them and clapping his hands forcefully right in front of them. To the
teacher’s surprise the boy was delighted with the idea and began to
do so. The clapping was also a bad habit, but it was not as bad as the
shoving habit and his victims responded quite differently to it. The
boy used the clapping habit for a few days, but soon grew tired of it
and stopped doing it. He also didn’t go back to his old shoving habit. I
think it is interesting that the boy would not comply with the adults’
attempts to get him to stop his bad habit, but he was willing to comply
with the proposal to replace his bad habit with another habit, a less
disturbing habit, that he was able to abandon at will.
Bullying
Your child bullies other children
What skills are missing from a child who bullies other children?
One often hears people say that a child who is mean to others lacks
empathy or the ability to put oneself in the other person’s shoes. But
empathy is a broad concept which consists of many skills, such as the
skill of defending one’s friends when they get bullied, and the skill of
apologising when one has hurt someone else’s feelings.
The skill of sticking up for friends is an essential element of empathy.
You can open a conversation about the topic with your child, for exam-
ple, by asking them: “What can you say, or do, if you see a child bullying
another child and calling them stupid or fat?” A question such as that one
can prompt a useful discussion between you and your child. The skill of
sticking up for friends is a topic that children find interesting, and also
a skill that they can practise with the help of role-play. “How would you
stick up for me if I was a child and you saw someone else calling me stu-
pid? Let’s pretend that I’m the one who called the other child stupid. What
will you say to me?” The better your child understands how important it

is to protect others, the less likely it is that they will themselves engage
in bullying.
Another skill that reduces bullying is the skill of apologising. It is a
skill that we can help our children to learn. Children can practise the
noble skill of apologising by verbally apologising for their rude behav-
iour to another child but also by writing apology emails, postcards, or
instant messages.
Unfortunately, many parents and educators often respond to a
child’s wrongdoing by demanding, or forcing, the child to apologise to
the child they have hurt. However, forcing children to apologise is not
a good way to teach them the difference between right and wrong. If
your child apologises because you demand they do so, they may comply
and do what you tell them to do, but they will not learn to apologise in a
genuine way. It makes more sense to say to your child something along
the lines of, “I think you should apologise to Jack. You don’t have to do
it right away. You can do it when you feel ready. Have you thought about
what would be a good way to apologise to him? Did you want to call him
and talk to him, or would you rather send him a message apologising
for what you did?”
Find out more about this topic at https://www.kidsskills.org/english/

responsibility. You can also find an app that I have created that helps the
users of the app to compose well-formed and convincing apology letters.
Other children bully your child
When parents find out that their child is being verbally bullied in day
care or school, they usually respond with a strong desire to defend
their child. They contact the teacher, expecting the problem to be
taken seriously, and that the teacher will make sure the bullying
ceases. Often this works but unfortunately, in many cases, the bul-
lying continues despite the teacher’s efforts to stop it, or the bullying
becomes so inconspicuous that it goes undetectable. Sometimes the
bullying does cease, but the child is so sensitised to bullying that they
feel bullied even if all children assert that it is no longer taking place.
For reasons such as these, it is good to know that it is also possi-
ble to approach bullying from another direction by trying to help the

child become stronger, more resilient, and less vulnerable to the hurt-
ful words of other children.
To help your child develop resilience, talk to them about what
would be a wise way to respond in situations where another child
says something hurtful to them. “If someone says to you that you
are stupid, or something like that, what can you say back to him or
her? What would be a wise way to handle the situation?” Would you
want your child to counter meanness with meanness, or would you
prefer them to learn to ignore the hostile words of other children?
There’s one more option for you to consider. An additional
alternative is to help your child learn the skill of responding to ver-
bal bullying with wit or humour. It means that the child is able to
respond to verbal bullying by saying something smart, funny, or
witty, and something that breaks the cycle of meanness without
anyone losing face. I imagine that in the olden days, parents and
grandparents prepared their children for verbal bullying by teach-
ing them various witty comebacks to use in challenging situations.
If you want your child to learn to respond to verbal bullying with
smart humour, start by asking your child to tell you what hurtful
things other children have said to them or they have heard other
children say to someone else and start wondering, together with
your child, what would be a smart and witty way to respond to
those examples.
“What could you say back to a child who says that you are stupid?”
“I could say that he must be even more stupid, because one has
to be stupid oneself to call other people stupid.”
“That’s quite a good comeback. What else could you say? Shall
we invent some more such comebacks? What do you think would
happen if you said something like, ‘It takes one to know one,’ or ‘My
mother says the same and thinks it’s genetic from my father’s side.’”
Your child may not find your suggestions appealing, but he or
she will nevertheless get the message: Responding to bullying with
humour and wit works better than trying to hurt the bully with an
even nastier comeback.
A mother once told me that her teenage daughter informed her
one day that she would not go to school anymore. “Why on Earth?”
asked the mother in bewilderment, because the girl was a good
student and had always liked going to school. Slowly the mother

learned that there was a boy in the daughter’s class who was har-
assing her by calling her “puffed-up.” The mother had studied solu-
tion-focused psychology and she wanted to help her daughter find
a smart and resilient way to respond to the boy. She made one pro-
posal after the other, but the girl rejected them all.
“Ach, you don’t get it,” she said, “I cannot say anything like that.
It would only make things worse.” The attempt to help her daughter
find a smart way of responding to the boy didn’t lead to the desired
outcome. However, just a week later the girl said to her mother during
dinner, “Oh, by the way, that boy who I told you about - he has ceased
calling me “puffed-up.””
“I’m happy to hear that. How did you do it? What did you say to
him that made him stop?” the mother wanted to know, hoping per-
haps that her daughter had used one of her suggestions after all.
“I just looked him in the eye and said to him, “Justify!” He was
speechless and hasn’t called me puffed-up ever since,” the girl
explained with a proud look on her face.
Inventing humorous responses to mean things that other people
tell you is a game that children can play together with their parents.
It is not always easy to come up with funny responses but just play-
ing the game, even if the child would never use any of the invented
comebacks in real-life, already serves to make the child stronger and
more resilient. A smart response to another child’s mean comment
will work in real-life situations even if the child doesn’t say anything
but only thinks about the response silently in his or her mind.
Hint: If your child happens to have a superhero that they look
up to, you can help them invent smart responses by asking them to
imagine what their superhero would say in response to such bullying.
You can practise the art of smart comebacks with your child with the help of
Witty Winny, an app that I have created for that purpose. Find it at www
.kidsskills.org/ bully-en
Concentration
Concentration is a broad skill that is a combination of several more

specific subskills. It can be compared to the skill of driving a car.

Driving a car is not a single skill but made up of a combination of
several more specific skills such as the skill of turning the engine on,
accelerating and braking, steering the vehicle, parking into a space,
keeping an eye on the traffic, knowing all the traffic rules and so on.
To learn to drive a car, one needs to learn quite a few more specific
subskills. The same is true for concentration. To learn to concentrate,
one needs to learn several more specific skills that together make up
the broad skill we call concentration. Examples of such more specific
skills or subskills include:
1. Ability to stay on task

The skill of continuing doing something challenging even if you
feel like stopping.
2. Ability to accept failure
The skill of tolerating failure and mistakes and understand-
ing that it is impossible for any human being to succeed every
time.
3. Ability to ask for help
The skill of turning to a friend or an adult and saying, “Can you
help me?” when you struggle with something, and you need
another person to give you a hand.
4. Ability to accept help
The skill of allowing another person to help you when they see
that you are in need of some help or assistance.
5. Ability to take breaks
The skill of noticing when you need a break because you are get-
ting tired and starting to lose your concentration.
6. Ability to make plans and stick to them
The skill of planning your daily activities and acting systemati-
cally according to your plans.
7. Ability to feel proud of one’s accomplishments
The skill of being happy about things you have done and skills you
have learned.
8. Ability to ignore distractions
The skill of getting immersed in an activity to the extent that you
no longer pay too much attention to distractions such as sounds
and other people moving about.

If you want to help your child become better able to concentrate, start
by thinking about which more specific subskill your child needs to
improve and help your child develop one subskill at a time.
To learn more about this topic, read the story of 9-year-old Tom in the previ-
ous chapter and read the text under the heading ‘Attention deficit disorder’
in this chapter.
Confabulation
Confabulation here means that a school-aged child tells other chil-

dren – sometimes also adults –stories that they have made up as
if the stories were true. Such stories are typically dramatic and
apparently the aim of the child who is confabulating is to trigger
emotional responses such as awe, sympathy, pity, or admiration in
the targets.
A child’s confabulation raises curiosity in people around the child.
It begs the question, what on Earth drives a child to invent stories and to
try to make people believe the stories are true? It may be difficult to find
an unambiguous answer to that question. Instead of trying to find an
answer to the why-question, it may be more useful to ask what skill
the child needs to learn to naturally stop the confabulating. It could
be, for example, “ability to stick to the truth” or “skill to be clear about
which of the stories one tells other people are true and which ones are
made up.”
In fact, making a distinction between fact and fiction is a skill that
all children have to learn as they grow up. If a child who has already
reached school age has not yet learned to draw a line between fantasy
and descriptions of reality, it is time for them to acquire that skill.
Making a clear distinction between fact and fiction is a skill
that children can intentionally learn. It is a skill that can be prac-
tised in many ways, for example, by playing a game in which par-
ticipants take turns to tell a story while others try to find out if
the story is true or not. One version of this game has been on TV,
where each participant tells three stories and the other contest-
ants try to figure out which of the stories are true and which ones

are fiction using questions that the storyteller is only allowed to
answer “yes” or “no.”
Assuming that the child who has engaged in confabulation accepts
the idea that it is time for them to learn to make a clear distinction
between fact and fiction, one important next step is to ensure that
the child has a wide support network of people who want to help
them learn the skill.
“If we, who are supporting you, become suspicious that the story
that you have told is not true, then what do you want us to tell you?
Would it be a good idea that in those situations we ask you, “fact
or fiction?” or “true or false?”, or would you prefer us to show you a
sign of some sort that means the same?”
And then: “How will you answer us in case the story you have told
is true? What about in the case it is a story that you have made up,
how will you answer us in that case?”
It is possible to respond to a child who engages in confabulation in
a similar manner that many parents respond to lying; you scold the
child and possibly threaten the child with consequences if they don’t
stop doing it. But you can also approach the issue with the skills per-
spective, in which case you would not scold or reprimand the child,
but you would instead support the child and help them develop skills
that automatically lead to the cessation of telling fictional stories as if
they were true stories.
Cursing
Cursing means here that the child causes resentment in adults by

using culturally reprehensible words and expressions, or swearwords,
in their speech.
When you use the skills approach to intervene in cursing, rather
than asking why the child curses or what the child wants to accom-
plish by swearing, you focus on finding a skill that the child needs to
learn to stop cursing – regardless of why he does it.
It is easier for children to stop cursing if, instead of asking them
to stop cursing, you ask them to replace all the swearwords they
use with some other, nicer, less disturbing words or expressions.

Have a discussion with your child about cursing and work out
jointly a list of inventive replacement words for all the swearwords
that they use. The f-word, for example, can be replaced with the
word “frack” or “freaking,” “poo” with the word “phooey,” “son of
a bitch with “son of a gun,” etc. I am sure you get the drill. Propose
to your child that they start to use the nicer replacement instead
of swearwords and create, together with your child, a project to
encourage and motivate them to learn that skill.
I am sure there are many more ways to help children grow out of
the habit of using swearwords. I once met a kindergarten teacher
who told me, with a pinch of pride in her voice, that at their kin-
dergarten swearing had never been a problem. When I asked her
what strategy they used to deal with it, she told me that they have a
leather purse secured tightly with a lace hanging on the wall. If any
of the children happen to release a swearword from their mouth,
the teacher takes the leather purse from where it hangs on the wall,
unties the lace, opens the mouth of the purse, places the purse next
to the child’s mouth and asks the child to repeat the swearword so
that it can be caught into the purse where it belongs. When the
swearword securely in the purse, the teacher ties the lace tightly
and the purse is returned to its own place on the wall.
Read the story of 8-year-old Adam in the previous chapter.
Defiance
I once read an article written by a teacher concerning the obnoxious

behaviour of today’s students in schools. In the article she gave some
examples of reprehensible behaviour that she has witnessed. This is
one of the examples she described: “Many of the teachers had told
Jack to remove his cap, but he didn’t do a thing. He just touched his
cap defiantly but didn’t take it off his head. I told him that if he didn’t
take his cap off, I would take it off him. Since he didn’t take off his cap,
I took it off him. He followed me, leaning his head on me. I told him
not to lean on me. He didn’t stop but shoved me and said: ‘Give me the
f---ing hat.’ I started to drag him to the teachers’ room. He resisted by
grabbing my legs and trying to lift me into the air. We both fell on the

floor, and he didn’t let go of me until the other teachers intervened.
Once he was pulled off me, he hit me in the face with the palm of his
hand.”
All children are sometimes defiant, but if a child is defiant all the
time, has a pervasive negative attitude towards everything, and con-
stantly pushes the parents’ and teachers’ buttons, psychiatrists have
a scientific sounding name for such behaviour: They call it ODD, or
Oppositional Defiant Disorder. In recent years I have noticed that
another acronym, PDA, has been invented to refer to the same kind of
behaviour. It comes from the words “pathological demand avoidance,”
and it is mainly used by people who write and talk about autism.
Defiant, obstinate, in opposition, stubborn, bad attitude, bull-headed,
talking back, provocativeness … the beloved child has many names.
No-one knows why some children develop a defiant pattern of
behaviour. I like to think that it is something that evolves as a result
of a vicious cycle, where the manner in which parents and other adults
try to influence the child’s behaviour provokes defiance in the child.
Some children seem to be allergic to any adults’ orders or instructions
– even requests presented in a friendly manner – as if they were all
unfair and oppressive authoritarian commands.
Children’s persistent oppositional behaviour is a huge challenge to
parents and teachers alike, but I think it is helpful to understand that
defiant children also suffer from their own pattern of behaviour. I think
most oppositional children know that their life would be much easier if
it wasn’t so difficult for them to listen and to follow adults’ instructions.
If your child is persistently oppositional, there are two ways you
can help them become more cooperative. You can adopt a softer style
of communicating your instructions to them that takes into account
their aversion, or you can help your child to develop a skill that makes
it easier for them to respond collaboratively to your instructions.
Let’s start with what I call the softer style of communicating. It
means, for example:
● You offer your child two or more alternatives, from which they
can choose the one they prefer. To use the case of the boy with
the cap as an example, it might sound something like this: “Do
you want to take your cap off now or do you prefer to keep it on
for a bit longer?” or “Do you want to take off your cap here or when

you are back in class?” “Do you want to take off your cap yourself
or can you think of someone you would want to do it for you?”
Offering alternatives allows the control-allergic child to feel that
they are in control instead of someone else controlling them.
● You present your wish as your own problem and you ask your
child to help you solve it. “It is my duty to see to it that the stu-
dents don’t wear their caps at school. What do you suggest for me
to do?” “What do you think I should do if I wanted you to follow
our house rule that we don’t wear caps while we are inside the
school building?” When your child feels that they are helping you
solve your problem, they can avoid feeling that you are bossing
them around. A child who has the tendency to respond to your
instructions with defiance finds it difficult or impossible to com-
ply with your instructions if they feel that you are bossing them,
but they may be quite willing to comply with your instructions
when they feel that by doing so they are helping you.
● You make an agreement with the child beforehand of a gesture or
code that you will use to express your wish to them. “If I some-
times have to ask you to remove your cap off your head, what sign
do you want me to give you?” “How would you want me to tell you
with a gesture or code of some sort that you need to remember to
take the cap off your head?” Children who suffer from excessive
defiance seem to be oversensitive particularly to verbal instruc-
tions. Even if verbally expressed orders are a red flag to them,
for some reason various kinds of codes or mutually agreed-upon
gestures and signs are easier for them to comply with.
One way to think about defiance is to view it as a sign that the child
has not yet learned the skill of following the instructions of adults, a
skill that children can learn and become better at and a skill that they
may in fact enjoy learning.
If you want your child to learn the skill of following instructions,
start by talking with them about the benefits to themselves of learn-
ing that skill. Your child may well become interested in learning a
skill like following instructions if they understand that they will gain
from it. Children can practise the skill in many ways. Small children
like different versions of games such as Simon Says, where one person

gives orders, and the others have to follow them depending on how
the order has been given.
Learn more about this topic by reading the text under the heading ‘Obedience’
in this chapter.
Depression
During the 80s a new idea emerged in child psychiatry according

to which children, not only adults, can suffer from clinical depres-
sion. If you read texts in books or on the Internet about depression
in children, you will find that the experts always make the point that
childhood depression differs from adult depression. Low mood and
hopelessness are not necessarily the dominant features of depression
in children as they are in adults. The dominant symptoms can vary
and can be anything from touchiness to self-criticism, and from irri-
tability to rapid mood swings. When one reads what experts write
about childhood depression, one cannot avoid getting the impres-
sion that the concept has been so broadly defined that almost any
child who suffers from psychological problems could be given this as
a diagnosis.
Depression and medication go hand in hand. If a child psychiatrist
attaches the diagnosis of depression to a child, it is more than likely that
the child is also prescribed antidepressant medication. The amount of
antidepressant prescriptions to minors has skyrocketed in the entire
Western world. This trend is problematic not only because the type of
medication that is used has many nasty side-effects but also because
when the treatment of the child becomes centred on drugs, interest in
influencing the child’s quality of life fades and becomes secondary to
finding the right medication and correct dosage.
Personally, I think that we should deliberately avoid applying the
term depression to children and use words of ordinary language
instead, such as unhappy, down, sad, blue, hopeless, or even self-destruc-
tive when that is the case. Medical terms such as depression steer our
thinking towards illness, disturbance, and brain malfunction while
words of ordinary language steer our thinking towards natural causes
such as losses, disappointments, and painful experiences.

When I have been speaking to professionals I have often sug-
gested, tongue-in-cheek, that instead of giving unhappy children
the diagnosis of depression we should perhaps give them the diag-
nosis JHGH. I usually give my audience a moment to try to figure
out what the unfamiliar acronym JHGH may mean before I reveal
to them that it is made up of the initial letters of the words “Joy Has
Gone Hiding.” My self-invented JHGH-diagnosis attempts to convey
the idea that something bad has probably happened to the child, or
perhaps continues to happen to them, which explains why they are
feeling the way they do and why they have temporarily lost their abil-
ity to enjoy life. JHGH is an alternative diagnosis that can steer all
the people who care about to child to think about what would be the
best way for them to help and support the child to restore their lost
ability to enjoy life.
The ability to enjoy life is coded into our genes and, under nor-
mal conditions, it is an innate skill that we don’t need to learn.
Nevertheless, it is a skill that any of us, adult or child, can under cer-
tain conditions temporarily lose, and no matter why we have lost it,
we can always discover it again with the help of other people.
Divorce
Half of all children in Western countries live in families in which the

parents are separated or divorced and who therefore often have
two homes, the home of the father and the home of the mother.
According to statistics, children of divorce have somewhat more
problems than children of so-called intact families. That fact has
been used by psychologists and other “experts” to argue that divorce
is bad; that it has a negative influence on the healthy psychological
growth of children. However, gradually people have begun to under-
stand that correlation does not mean causality, that the relationship
between divorce and children’s well-being is complex and there are
many other factors at play. Children of divorced parents may have
more problems than those of parents who stay together, but rather
than being caused by divorce itself, this statistical difference is caused
by other factors often, but not always, related to divorce. Such factors
include, among others, economic deprivation of the family, prejudice

towards children of “broken families,” children lacking contact with
a remote parent, conflicts and animosity between divorced parents,
and parents’ poor parenting collaboration.
If you are separated or divorced from the other parent of your child,
there are many things you can do to help your child cope successfully
with the new situation. I have collected here a few pieces of advice for
you:
● Help your child realise that even if it is undoubtedly stressful to

switch between two homes, the arrangement often also offers
various benefits to the child.
● Make sure to always talk about your co-parent in a respectful tone
of voice while your child is present.
● Do whatever you can to support the contact and relationship
between you and the co-parent.
● Remember that even a thin and distant contact between your
child and his or her co-parent is better than no contact at all.
● If you have conflicts with your co-parent, avoid taking them
into court. Use mediation instead.
● Resist the temptation to blame your co-parent for your child’s
possible psychological problems. Stick to the skills approach
instead by helping your child find a skill to learn and by inviting
your co-parent to contribute by supporting your child in learn-
ing that skill.
● If your child is in a grumpy mood when he or she returns home
after having spent time with the co-parent, avoid the temptation
to automatically think that the child must have had some nega-
tive experiences while staying with the co-parent. Instead, give
your child time to “settle” back into your home because their bad
temper is most likely caused simply by the stress of shifting from
one house to the other.
● Thank your co-parent whenever possible– in your child’s pres-
ence – for what he or she has done to contribute to your child’s
growth and well-being.
● Give your child a copy of “Happy with Two Homes,” a workbook
for children of divorced parents that I have created to help chil-
dren cope successfully with the two homes arrangement.

Fears
All kinds of fears are common among children. Not unlike adults,
children can also develop a fear of just about anything. Common fears
among children include insects, animals, darkness, social situations,
needles, going to the dentist, getting lost, and high places. Children
can also develop fears of vomiting, blood, monsters, robbers, intoxi-
cated people, or bad things happening to their parents. Only imagina-
tion is the limit for what things children can become afraid of.
Fears are part of life. The human brain is simply constructed in a
way that allows the fear response to be triggered easily, and once
the fear is borne, it tends to persist if the person doesn’t deliber-
ately do something to overcome it.
Whatever your child is afraid of, you can help them overcome
their fear. The best way to help children overcome their fears is to
stop talking to them about their fear and to talk, instead, of the
courage that they lack and need to build (to overcome their fear).
For example, if your child is afraid of dogs, don’t talk to them about
fear of dogs, but about dog courage and what to do to build it. If your
child is afraid of the dark, don’t talk to them about fear of the dark,
but about darkness courage and what to do to build it. If your child is
afraid of burglars, don’t talk to them about fear of burglars but about
safety and about how to build feelings of safety. When talking with
your child, focus on a courage that needs building instead of a fear
that needs to be conquered; it is easier for your child to join you in
inventing various ways to practise and develop the courage.
It is possible to use imagination to develop courage. For exam-
ple, a child who is afraid that they will be teased by some of the oth-
ers at school can develop their bravery by imagining that they have
an invisible protective shield that makes them invulnerable. They
can imagine that if they turn on the shield at school when needed,
none of the mean words from the other children can hurt them.
Another way for children to use their fantasy in developing spe-
cific braveries is to imagine that they have an invisible protector – a
friend, animal, superhero – on their side in situations that are scary
to them. One boy who was afraid that monsters would enter his
room during the night came up together with his parents with the

idea of placing some sweets on the floor so that if the monsters
came, they would not disturb him but would savour the sweets they
found on the floor and leave to continue their nightly explorations.
Developing bravery works best when children carry it out in small
steps and on their own conditions. A child who is afraid can start by
practising making contact with a stuffed cuddly toy dog, then with a
puppy and only gradually move on to letting bigger dogs sniff them.
Likewise, a child who is afraid of spiders can start developing their
spider bravery first by reading about spiders, then watching pictures
of spiders, then looking at videos of spiders, and so on, until they are
gradually able to make real-life acquaintances with live spiders.
For some reason it is easier for children to develop courage than
to conquer fears. When you don’t talk with your child about their
fears but about building a particular courage, it is easier for them to
talk about the subject and to invent creative means to practise and
develop that courage.
Learn more about this topic by reading the story of 7-year-old Sam in the
previous chapter.
Finger sucking
Finger sucking is probably one of the most common of children’s bad hab-
its. In babies it’s not a problem, but when children are 3 or older, sucking
fingers becomes a problem because it causes misalignment of teeth.
To get their children to stop sucking fingers, many parents tell
the child to stop doing it: “Take your thumb out of your mouth,” or
“Don’t suck your fingers!” or “You doing it again? Stop it,” or “Don’t
you remember what the dentist said?” However, as we all know by
now, telling children to stop doing something doesn’t usually work
and often only makes things worse.
Milton Erickson, an American psychiatrist who was influential in
the 20th century and who has been an important inspiration to me,
told a story of how he helped a 5-year-old boy stop sucking his thumb.
The boy’s parents reserved an appointment with Dr Erickson because
they had been told that he was an expert in hypnosis and that he had

succeeded in helping a lot of patients, including many children. The
parents sat with their son in Dr Erickson’s office and described the
boy’s problem to him. Erickson listened patiently and then turned to
the boy and said something along the lines of, “It’s your thumb and
nobody can tell you what to do or not to do with it.” He then asked to
talk with the boy alone, dismissing the parents to the waiting room.
Once he was alone with the boy, Erickson chatted for a while with
him about this and that, his siblings, friends, and hobbies. He then
asked the boy which one of his thumbs he sucked, the left or the right
one. The boy showed Erickson his left thumb. “I see, you suck your
left thumb,” Erickson said, “What about the right one? Don’t you suck
your right thumb at all? Erickson wondered aloud how the boy’s right
thumb feels about never getting sucked on, while the left one gets so
much sucking every day.
The boy was perplexed by this unexpected angle to his bad
habit. He had never thought about his thumb sucking in this way,
as a form of attention that should be given equally to both thumbs.
Once Erickson had the boy thinking, he suggested to the boy that
he should continue sucking his thumb, but to make sure, from now
on, that both his thumbs get an equal amount of time of sucking.
If, for example, he would suck his left thumb for one minute, he
would have to suck his right thumb also for one minute. The boy
subscribed to the doctor’s suggestion. In the following weeks, as
the boy did his best to ensure he was sucking both thumbs an
equal amount of time, the task turned out to be so cumbersome
that he ended up abandoning the sucking habit altogether.
This story makes the point that it’s easier for people – children
and adults alike – to give up bad habits if they don’t focus onget-
ting rid of them, but instead try to modify them. It may be impos-
sible for a child to stop sucking their thumb, but they may succeed
by modifying their habit first and then getting rid of the modified
habit.
I once consulted a mother and her 5-year-old daughter in a train-
ing event. The mother told me that she was otherwise happy with her
daughter but there was one problem: The daughter sucked her fingers
and the dentist had said that it was important for her to stop doing
it. I asked the mother what she had done so far to get her daughter to

stop. The mother said – not surprisingly – that she had told her to take
her fingers out of her mouth.
“Has it helped?” I asked the mother.
“It hasn’t helped at all,” she said. “When I tell her to take her fin-
gers out of her mouth, the fingers just go deeper into her mouth.”
I claimed that I knew the reason why this happened. “It’s because
you haven’t found the magic word yet,” I said, “the word that works
and makes the fingers come out of the mouth.”
My claim gave the conversation a new direction that also allowed
the girl to participate in it. “What’s the magic word that helps your
fingers slip out of your mouth?” I asked.
We tested many funny magic words until we found one that the
girl appeared to find appealing. I happened to have my large-sized
hand puppet with me, so I grabbed it and sat it on my lap. I slipped
my hand into the puppet’s cloth-made hand and inserted its fin-
gers into its mouth. We then tested the magic word with my pup-
pet and found that it worked wonders; the puppet’s fingers slipped
rapidly out of its mouth every time anyone said the magic word.
Before we ended the consultation, I suggested to the mother to tell
her husband about our search for the magic word and to involve
him in a project to find the magic word that the parents could use
at home to help the daughter remember to take her fingers of her
mouth.
Hair pulling
Plucking hair is a persistent habit called trichotillomania in medical

terms. The word is used to refer to plucking one’s hair, eyebrows, or
eyelashes.
Parents’ well-meaning instructions, such as “Stop pulling your
hair” or “Don’t do that,” are not very helpful and may, in fact, exac-
erbate the problem.
Professional literature on persistent habits recommends an
approach, where you don’t focus on stopping or getting rid of the bad
habit, but, instead, you try to replace the bad habit with another habit.
The rationale here is that if you succeed in replacing your bad habit

with another habit, you are then more likely to be able to overcome
the new replacement habit.
If your child plucks their hair, have a talk with your child to fig-
ure out what could be a suitable replacement habit for them that they
could do instead of plucking their hair. Could it be something like
plucking some hairy-like material or even popping bubble wrappings
with fingers? Offer your child diverse alternatives and let them decide
what replacement habit they want to use.
When you use the skills approach to help your child practise and
adopt the new replacement habit, pay extra attention to the step
of reminding. It is important that you make an agreement with the
child about how you and their other supporters will remind them
of the replacement habit in a kind and fun way when the child, per-
haps unaware of it themselves, start plucking their hair again.
Happiness
One possible way to understand happiness is to think of it as an ability:

The skill of experiencing happiness. If so, then happiness is likely to
be a broad skill made up of several more specific happiness-promoting
skills, such as the ability to feel gratitude, the ability to experience suc-
cess, and the ability to get along well with other people. Happiness-
promoting skills are skills that children can learn and become better at.
For example, if you want to help your child become better at feel-
ing gratitude, you can ask them every evening at bedtime to tell
you about a few things that they have experienced during the day
that they are happy about. If you want to help your child become
better at experiencing success, you can teach them to pay attention
to small successes and ask them to think about how they managed
to do what they did. Likewise, if you want your child to learn the
skill of calming down, you can teach your child various relaxation
methods such as yoga postures, breathing procedures, or mindful-
ness techniques.
The many skills that contribute to the experience of happiness
include, among other things, helping other people and caring for ani-
mals and plants. You can promote your child’s happiness by teaching

your child to perform acts of kindness and talking with them about
how acts of kindness influence other people and oneself.
Greeting other people in a friendly manner can sound trivial,
but it too is a skill that contributes to happiness. When two people
greet each other in a friendly manner – with a handshake, a hug, a
high-five, or simply by showing interest in how the other person
is doing – they are engaging in an activity that promotes happi-
ness. You can practice the art of friendly greeting with your child,
for example, by familiarizing them with greeting methods of other
cultures, by teaching them how to give compliments, or by teach-
ing them to show genuine interest in how they are doing.
The ability to enjoy plants, animals, and nature is also a skill that
promotes positive mental health, well-being, and happiness. You
can contribute to your child’s ability to experience happiness by
teaching them to enjoy spending time in nature, nursing plants,
caring for animals, and doing other things that strengthen the
innate connection between human beings and nature.
Sport, physical exercise, working out, and other forms of bod-
ily strain contribute to well-being and happiness. You can promote
your child’s ability to feel happiness by offering them opportunities
to exercise and move. Any form of exercise can do the trick whether
it is climbing, hiking, ball games, swimming, gymnastics, dancing,
cycling, or something else. It may be a good idea to teach your child
to enjoy a form of exercise that you also like yourself. Team sports
offer the additional benefit that they also promote learning social
skills.
People derive much joy from learning skills. No matter what skill
the person is learning, making progress in learning that skill gener-
ates satisfaction and joy. Encourage and support your child in learn-
ing diverse skills: speaking other languages, baking, drawing, singing,
playing an instrument, coding software, making magic tricks… The
list of skills that a human being can learn is truly endless.
Children love all sorts of fun; clowning around, performing, tell-
ing jokes, laughing, tickling, playing tricks, pranks, dressing up, pil-
low fights, etc. Laughter is the best medicine, but it is also one of the
most potent ingredients of well-being. The ability to laugh and to have
fun is a skill that some people seem to be born with, but it too is a
skill that can be improved with practice. Think about how you could

encourage your child to learn and practise the noble art of fun. It is a
skill that has a life-long positive influence on people’s well-being.
Optimism is an attitude that promotes happiness. Some people
seem to be born optimistic, but to some perhaps limited extent, it
is also a skill that can be developed. You can teach your child opti-
mistic thinking in a playful way, for example by playing with them
a fun game in which you deliberately try to view disappointments
with rose-tinted glasses. The game goes like this: Whenever any-
thing unwanted happens (say, you miss a bus or break a glass), you
try to think, together with your child, what good things might pos-
sibly come out of it.
I have mentioned a few examples of happiness-promoting skills.
The list is not meant to be exhaustive, but merely a source of inspira-
tion. There are many more wellness-promoting skills such as kind-
ness, helpfulness, good manners, ability to express one’s wishes in a
polite way, ability to mediate conflicts, ability to apologize… as you
can see, the list goes on and on.
Homework
Most children do their homework willingly, but for some it’s an

uphill battle. If your child dawdles with their homework and does
their best to avoid doing it, you may need to sit down with them to
help them find ways that make it easier for them to manage their
homework.
Start the conversation with your child by telling them that you
are convinced that they would like to take better care of their home-
work. Show sympathy by telling your child that you understand that
doing homework is not easy. All children always have better things to
do than doing homework. It is natural. It is understandable to avoid
doing one’s homework.
Treat your child as an expert, as someone who knows how to
solve the problem. Ask them, “What could help you take care of
your homework better?” Your child is likely to have at least some
ideas about what could help them manage their homework better.
Have a talk with your child about who could possibly help them
with their homework. Would they want you to help them? If yes, in

what way? How would they like other members of your family to help
them? How could their grandparents help them? Could their friends
or classmates assist them in some way?
Talk with your child also about practical things such as what
would be a good time of day to do homework, what room or table
would be a good place to study, and what position – sitting, stand-
ing, or squatting – would work for them best. If your child finds it
difficult to do their homework in their own room, perhaps there
is another place in or outside the home where it would be easier
for them to manage their homework. If your child is uneasy sitting
down, perhaps working in a standing position would work better
for them.
Sometimes the best way to get your child to do their homework is
to find them a “homework support person”— someone outside the
family who will take on the role of helping them with their home-
work. This could be a somewhat older child who is willing, for some
pocket money, to help your child manage their homework.
Some children benefit from taking regular breaks while doing their
homework. Set the timer on your phone to go off, for example, every
10 minutes. When your child hears the alarm, it means that it’s time
to take a short break. During the break, your child can do something
they like to do and once the break is over, they are to resume home-
work. Repeated breaks can provide a rhythm to the child’s work and
make it easier for them to do their due diligence.
If possible, find a way to make use of the fact that children prefer
teaching things to others over having to learn things themselves.
Can you ask your child to teach you the things they learn by doing
their homework? Or could another family member, such as a grand-
parent, agree to be the “student” to whom the child can teach what
they have learned?
Summary: If your child neglects their homework, avoid scolding
them and asking them awkward questions such as “Why haven’t
you done your homework?” Instead, regard your child as an expert
who is likely to have at least some good ideas about what could
help them to manage their duty to do their homework better.
Possible solutions include getting other people’s support, taking
breaks, finding a better time or place, and having the opportunity
to teach what the child has learned to someone else.

Interrupting
With interrupting I mean here that the child doesn’t have the
patience to wait for their turn to speak and, instead, constantly
interrupts other people when they speak. At home the child’s ten-
dency to interrupt others may not be regarded as a problem at
all, but at school interrupting the teachers and also classmates is
perceived as a significant problem. It disturbs teaching because at
school children are supposed to be able to control their urge to
blurt out their thoughts and ideas, to ask for permission to speak
by raising their hand and to wait patiently until they are granted
that permission.
It is common to think interrupting others is a sign of attention-
seeking behaviour and that children who do so are used to being the
centre of all attention at home. This may be true, but a skills approach
may work better for solving the problem. To use the skills approach
you will not focus on figuring out why your child interrupts others,
but on what skill they are lacking that they need to be able to grow out
of their interrupting habit.
Such skills include, among others:
● The skill of using facial expressions or gestures to ask for a turn

to speak.
● The skill of letting another person finish what they are saying.
● The skill of waiting until the other person signals that it’s your
turn to speak.
● The skill of keeping in mind what you want to say until you get
the chance to say it.
Listening to other people without interrupting them is an impor-

tant life skill for all of us. Most children do not learn to listen to
others without some guidance. If your child has the bad habit of
constantly interrupting others, you can help them get rid of their
bad habit and become better at listening to other people. Start by
inviting your child to give the better listening skill a name, such as
“taking turns” or “two-way street talking” and once you have estab-
lished a name for the skill, you can go on to inventing, together
with your child, fun ways to learn that skill.

An important part of learning to become better at listening is to
make an agreement with your child about how you, and also other
people, will remind them in a friendly way of the listening skill when
they forget all about it and start interrupting again. Remember to
praise your child every time they succeed in using some sort of sig-
nal to tell you they want to say something and in managing to wait
patiently until they get a signal from you to go ahead. If your child
finds it difficult to learn to communicate in a reciprocal fashion, you
can try the “talking stick” method. The talking stick refers to the
indigenous practice of conversation where only the person holding
the stick is allowed to speak and the next person who wants to say
something will have to ask for the stick before being allowed to speak.
Learn more about this topic by reading the story of 12-year-old Sara in the
previous chapter.
Low self-esteem
Low self-esteem means that the child does not believe in their abil-
ity to succeed and feels that they are in some way inferior to others.
Conversely, one can say that good self-esteem means that the child
believes in their ability to succeed and feels just as good as anyone else.
It is often thought that self-esteem, or self-confidence, is a relatively
stable personality trait, but it is also possible to think of self-esteem as
a trait that consists of skills that can be learned and developed.
These skills include:
● The skill of registering one’s own successes and feeling proud of

one’s accomplishments.
● The skill of knowing one’s strengths.
● The skill of accepting praise, responding to it by saying “thank you.”
● The skill of talking about and showing one’s achievements to
other people.
● The skill of accepting one’s mistakes and failures.
● The skill of talking in front of the class.
● The courage to ask other children to play with them.
● The skill of praising and encouraging others.

If you want to strengthen your child’s self-esteem or self-confi-
dence, think about which one of these or related skills your child
has room for improvement with, and help your child develop those
skills.
To learn more about this topic, read the story of 8-year-old Amanda in the
previous chapter.
Nail biting
Nail biting is a common bad habit among children. Usually, parents

try to intervene by telling the child to stop biting their fingernails.
They say to the child, “Don’t bite your nails!” or “Take your fingers
out of your mouth.” However, a logical instruction to stop biting
does not usually help and may even make the problem worse.
It is better to approach the problem in a different way, not by
trying to get the child to stop biting their nails, but by trying to get
them interested in growing their nails. The goal of this approach
is not stopping the bad habit, but growing nails or getting pretty
nails. It is easier for the child to be motivated to make the change
if you don’t talk about stopping biting nails, but about growing
beautiful nails.
The advantage of focusing on growing nails is that it can be
done incrementally, in small steps. Your child doesn’t have to try
to grow all 10 nails at once. Instead, they can start by growing
1 nail, then 2, then 3, and so on. They can also decide which fin-
gernail to grow first, and when that one nail has grown (even if the
child has kept on biting the other 9 nails) the child’s achievement
can be celebrated in some way. One 10-year-old girl celebrated her
success by varnishing her newly grown nails and gluing hearts and
other stickers on them.
Once the child has succeeded in growing one nail, it is easier for
them to become interested in the idea of growing more nails. The child
can proceed nail by nail until, with time, they have grown all 10 nails.
In one family, the parents had made an agreement with their 5-year-
old son that when he had managed to grow all 10 nails, there would
be a celebration for him, that he could invite his grandparents and

his two best friends from kindergarten to. The celebration took place
just a couple of weeks later. At the event, all the guests applauded in
appreciation as the boy’s mother cut all 10 of his fingernails with a
pair of nail scissors. After the nails were cut, the guests were served
cake and juice.
To learn more about this topic, read the story of 7-year-old Dan in the previ-
ous chapter.
Nightmares
The word nightmares means here that a child has the same unpleas-
ant, anxiety-triggering dream that usually wakes them up crying and
feeling upset. Sometimes the nightmare is triggered by a scary event
that the child has experienced, but apparently nightmares can also
be triggered inside the child’s imagination with no connection to any
real-life event.
Children can get rid of nightmares by developing a skill: the skill
of influencing the content of bad dreams. You can teach your child
this skill by using the same method that Nigel’s grandmother used
in a picture book I have written called Nigel’s Nightmare. The book
tells the story of Nigel, who suffers from a recurring nightmare. One
night, when Nigel is having a sleepover at his grandmother’s, he
starts to cry at bedtime.
“Why are you crying?” asks Grandma.
“I am afraid I will wake up in the night again to the same night-
mare, where 3 big trucks are chasing me,” Nigel explains.
“Oh, so you don’t know, Nigel, that there are no nightmares,”
says Grandma.
“But I have nightmares,” Nigel protests.
“There are no nightmares,” Grandma explains. “All dreams have
a happy ending.”
“But mine doesn’t have a happy ending,” Nigel insists.
“Of course not, if you wake up in the middle and you don’t wait
to see what happens next,” says Grandma.
Together they then imagine one possible happy ending for Nigel’s
dream. In that version the scary trucks that are chasing Nigel stop

and the friendly looking drivers step out. “Don’t be afraid, Nigel,” they
say, “we are not here to hurt you. We came to deliver you presents.”
The joint fantasy continues with the drivers inviting Nigel to
enter the cargo compartment of their trucks, to look around and to
pick, from all the many presents, 3 for himself. Nigel, whose passion
happens to be ice-hockey, chooses an ice-hockey racket signed by
one of his ice-hockey heroes, a cool looking ice-hockey helmet and
a sturdy pair of ice-hockey gloves. When Nigel’s head is already
on the pillow, his grandma says to him, “Remember to see your
dream till the ending tonight.” Nigel falls asleep with a smile on
his face looking forward to the dream that ends with him getting
3 presents. He sleeps through the night and in the morning cannot
remember having had any dreams at all.
If your child suffers from a recurring nightmare, you can use the
same method with your child that Grandma used with Nigel in the
story. Explain to your child that all dreams have a happy ending and
then help them visualise a happy ending to their nightmare. The
rationale of the approach is to prepare the child’s brain in advance
– while the child is awake – to be able to turn scary dreams into pleas-
ant ones by changing the way they end.
Obedience
To get children to obey them, or to follow their instructions, parents

use many tactics. Among the most common ones are threatening with
consequences (“If you don’t do as I say, you will lose…”) and promis-
ing rewards (“If you do as I say, you will get...”) These two widely used
child-rearing tactics are effective in the short run, but their problem
is that the more you use them, the less effective they become. All par-
ents wish that their children would follow their instructions without
having to present threats to them or promise them rewards.
I think parents, in general, see disobedience, or refusal to follow
instructions and rules, as a sign of stubbornness. It is, however, not
so simple because children suffer from their disobedience themselves
even if it is not apparent. When you have a candid talk with children
who constantly break the rules, it often turns out that they would
in fact want to learn to become better at following instructions and

abiding by the rules. They know that their lives would be easier and
more pleasant if they were better able to comply with the rules and
instructions of adults. But for some reason they find complying more
difficult than most other children.
It is possible to think of obedience as a skill that children can learn.
You can discuss the topic with your child and help them to realise that
learning to follow instructions will benefit them. Things will happen
more smoothly, and the atmosphere of the entire family will improve
when every instruction does not lead to a heated argument anymore.
Help your child come up with a name for this skill (e.g., “Yes sir,” or
“Okey dokey,” or “Copy that.”) and think of a game of some sort that
allows your child opportunities to practise and get used to the idea of
compliance.
“Simon Says” is an example of a well-known game that can be used
to practise obedience with children. In one version of the game, all
players have to copy the movements of the leader, and in another they
are to follow the leader’s instructions only if the leader starts their
orders with the words “Simon says.”
There is a fun game to teach smaller children obedience. Find an
old TV remote control and let your child point it towards you and
to use it to control you. The child may, for example, press a button
and say “squat” or “turn around” while pointing the remote control
towards you. Your child will enjoy the rush they get from controlling
your behaviour with this make-believe human remote control. As you
probably already guessed, in the next stage of the game the roles are
reversed and then it is you who controls the child’s behaviour using
the human remote control.
These and similar games can help children get used to the idea that
it is possible to obey their parents; that is, to accept and to follow their
parents’ instructions without a fuss. At the same time, children can
realise that obeying benefits all parties and can be fun.
OCD
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder or “OCD” is the medical term for

the problem where a person suffers from persistent and unrealis-
tic worries or fears (obsessions), which they try to fight back with

superstitious repetitive actions, or rituals (compulsions). A child may,
for example, worry at bedtime that the door of the house has been left
unlocked and that therefore a burglar might enter during the night.
In order to overcome the fear, the child wants to make sure that the
door is locked (compulsion) but soon the worry returns, and the child
requires their parents to secure the door again. This cycle of unrealis-
tic worry and securing the door again and again can be repeated many
times.
Fear of germs or dirt is another common manifestation of OCD. The
child fears, for example, that their hands are dirty, even though they
have washed their hands carefully just minutes ago. To overcome the
worry, the child washes their hands over and over again. The worries
that are characteristic of OCD involve fears that something dread-
ful has possibly happened or that something dreadful will happen.
Worries cause the child to experience intense anxiety, which in turns
triggers the compulsive actions. In order to get rid of their imaginary
fear, the child often demands reassurances from their parents. If the
parents give in to the child’s demand for reassurance, they soon find
that the relief the child gets from their reassurance is only temporary.
Various OCD worries and rituals are common in children. They can
appear as early as kindergarten or, more commonly, after the child
has started school. Fortunately, in most cases the worries are mild
and temporary, but for some unknown reason in some children the
tendency to develop unrealistic worries and try to deal with them
with rituals persists and begins to cause serious suffering, not only
for the child but for the child’s entire family.
One of the most common OCD worries is “checking” or “secur-
ing.” This means that the child secures many times, for example,
that the stove is not left on, that the candles have been blown out,
or that the door is locked. Many children check various things more
than once, but to call it OCD, the checking needs to be repetitious,
and the child needs to experience intense anxiety if they don’t get
to do the checking. I have listed below a few more examples of
obsessions and compulsions that are common in children:
● Ordering means that the child feels compelled to place objects

in the “correct” order and cannot stop before they feel that the
objects are in exactly the order the need to be. The child can, for

example, feel a compelling need to place each and every cuddly
toy and doll in the exact right spot and position, or to smooth out
the wrinkles of the bed cover in a particular way.
● Hoarding means that the child collects in their home litter or
other worthless objects they find in the streets or somewhere else
and experiences intense anxiety if anyone tampers with their
“collection.”
● Repetition means that the child superstitiously repeats an action
or actions, thinking that by doing so they can prevent some imag-
inary bad thing from happening. They may, for example, tap the
table 3 times or repeat some specific word in their mind a given
number of times to ensure that nothing bad will happen to them
or to their family.
● Fear of fateful mistakes means that the child experiences
intense anxiety because they are afraid that they have made
some dreadful mistake that will have serious consequences for
themselves or their family. To overcome their anxiety, the child
demands constant convincing from their parents that no mis-
take has been made or that nothing bad will happen.
Everyone has worries and everyone sometimes has unnecessary or

exaggerated worries. Fortunately, most of us have found ways to
deal with our unrealistic worries and unlikely imagined worst-case
scenarios. We can ignore them and shrug them off. We can let go of
our anxiety triggering imaginations, but people who suffer from OCD
appear to lack that ability. Their worries take hold of them and no
matter how hard they try, they are not able to let go of them. Letting
go, or not paying too much attention to one’s dreadful premonitions,
is an important skill that we all have to learn in order to be able to
enjoy life.
If your child has an OCD problem, remind yourself of the fact that
worries and rituals are a very common “mind bug” in children and,
in most cases, the problem disappears with time on its own. If, how-
ever, the child’s worries or rituals persist and cause problems for
your child and the entire family, there’s a good reason to try to find
some means of helping your child overcome their OCD thoughts or
behaviours.

The first rule of thumb for parents whose children suffer from
obsessions or compulsions is that if because of their worries, the child
demands all sorts of special arrangements in the home, you should
do your best to resist going along with such requests. For example, if
your child has a fear of germs or filth, and they demand that all the
towels in the bathroom need to be changed every time anyone visits
the bathroom, you should stand your ground and resist the tempta-
tion to help them by going along with their unreasonable demands.
Yielding to your child’s OCD generated demands helps your child’s
anxiety momentarily, but exacerbates their problem in the long run.
Start by inventing, together with your child, a name for their OCD
problem. Your child may already have a word for their “mind bug,” but
if not, feel free to suggest something. In one family the child’s OCD
thoughts were called “silly worries” and in another one “funny fears.”
One boy called his OCD “my special fault” and another one spoke
about “sticky thoughts” and “getting stuck.” Let your child decide
what they want to call their worries or rituals.
No-one knows what causes OCD-type worries and rituals, but an
explanation that makes sense to the child can help them find solu-
tions. Your child may find an explanation like this useful:
“We all sometimes have all sorts of worries and fears, and many
of them are unnecessary, even if at the moment they enter our
mind, they scare us a lot. If you are patient and you just wait for a
while, they will usually fade away as they become replaced with
other thoughts.”
You can suggest to your child the idea that the worries are caused by
some sort of creature, let’s say “the worry gremlin,” a creature that
appears out of nowhere and puts all sorts of worrisome thoughts into
the heads of children. It is easier for your child to come up with strate-
gies to ignore their worries if they can think that their getting stuck
with a worry is not a fault within, but a thing caused by an imagi-
nary creature of some sort. If your child finds this idea appealing,
you can ask them to draw a picture of the imaginary creature. The
child’s drawing of their worry creature will help them get some dis-
tance from their problem.

Before you start inventing new means for your child to free them-
selves from the spell of their worries, find out what means your child
has possibly already found that have been helpful to them. You should
also feel free to share your personal means of coping with your own
sticky worries. Explain to your child that all kinds of worries and
fears constantly pop up in everyone’s mind every day and that we all
have to figure out ways to deal with them and let go of them so that
they don’t disturb us and make our lives miserable.
Supposing your child finds the idea of the imaginary worry-caus-
ing creature appealing, you can go on and start to develop together
with your child strategies to resist the creature and to break free
from its spell. The idea here is that the image of a worry-creature
makes it easier for your child to come up with ideas for how to fight
back, or resist, or overrule the creature. Your child may, for exam-
ple, start to resist their worry-creature by deliberately refraining
from carrying out checking rituals demanded by the creature or by
deliberately ignoring the worries and fears that the creature wants
them to have.
The long-term goal is to help your child learn to ignore their
superstitious fears, but it is easier said than done. It makes sense to
start with a more modest goal such as being able to ignore worries
for a while, or to put worries on hold for progressively longer times.
For example, if your child tells you at bedtime about a worry, you
can write down their worry on a piece of paper and slip the paper
under their pillow. Your child may be delighted to wake up in the
morning to realize that the worry is gone, and it no longer bothers
them.
You can find more ideas of how to help children suffering from OCD in an
article I have written about the topic entitled “Brief therapy techniques for
children suffering from OCD.” The article can be downloaded from my web-
site www.benfurman.com. To find the article, sign in to the “Download
area” and once you have access to the area, choose “Articles to download”
and find the article in the list.
I also recommend that you familiarise yourself with “Anxious Andy,” one
of my self-help apps designed for children. It is an experimental computer
program that helps children develop their skill of letting go of unnecessary
worries. You can find the app at www.kidsskills.org/ocd-eng.

Overweight
Rising childhood obesity is a major health problem worldwide. Its

causes are manifold and are related, among other things, to a poor
high-calorie diet, unhealthy eating habits, and a lack of physical activ-
ity. Tackling the problem of childhood obesity is not easy and getting
results depends on how well the child’s family participates in the pro-
ject by adopting the same healthy eating habits the child is expected
to adopt.
Sometimes parents may try to influence the child’s eating hab-
its by preaching, restricting, commanding, and reprimanding, but
such tactics are not helpful and can aggravate the problem. It is
better to try to get the child to take an interest in reducing their
weight and to develop all plans and strategies in collaboration with
the child.
Start the conversation with your child by making sure they know
why it is important for them to lose weight and to learn to manage
their weight. You may even ask a nutritionist or other health profes-
sional to talk to your child and explain the short-term and long-term
benefits of weight reduction.
As soon as your child understands why weight loss is important
to them, steer away from the topic of weight loss altogether. Focus,
instead, in your conversations with your child solely on habits
that promote health and happiness that they would benefit from
adopting.
You can start by making a list together with your child of various
health and happiness-promoting habits and once the list is ready,
allow your child to decide which one of the habits on the list they
want to adopt first.
Here is an example of what your list of health and happiness-
promoting habits could look like:
● replacing dessert with a glass of water,

● taking the stairs instead of the lift,
● consuming moderate amounts of food at mealtimes,
● replacing milk with water,
● eating bread without spreading butter on it,

● eating vegetables or salad at every meal,
● choosing a salad at a fast-food restaurant,
● Eating slowly and calmly,
● sharing a pizza with someone else,
● eating carrots or slices of apple as a snack,
● walking to school,
● exercising regularly,
● replacing sugary drinks with plain water.
Once your child has decided which health and happiness-promoting

habit they want to adopt first, help them develop a plan to adopt their
chosen habit with the support of their family and friends. Once they have
succeeded in adopting that habit, celebrate their success and allow them
to decide which of the habits on the list they want to adopt next.
See also the text under the heading “Unhealthy diet” in this chapter.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism means that a child strives for perfection and cannot

tolerate failing or not succeeding in what they do. The consequence of
striving for perfection is that the child becomes frustrated, anxious
or throws a tantrum whenever the thing they are doing doesn’t work
out as well as they think it should.
Children who strive for perfection may react strongly to situa-
tions where they do not live up to their own unreasonable expec-
tations. In these situations, they may start to berate themselves by
saying things like: “I can’t do anything,” “I’m stupid,” “I’m dumb,” or
“I’ll never learn this.”
The skill a perfectionistic child needs to learn is the ability to
accept or tolerate imperfection, to understand that no-one can
always succeed and that everyone makes mistakes sometimes. The
goal for a perfectionistic child is to learn to develop a more relaxed
attitude towards failure, mistakes, and imperfection, and often also
towards not winning in games or competitions.
The ability to take one’s own failures in stride is an important
life skill in which many over-demanding children have room for

improvement. Fortunately, it, too, is a skill that children can inten-
tionally learn and practice.
One way for children to learn to tolerate mistakes and failure is to
learn to say out loud something self-assuring whenever they make
a mistake or feel that they have failed. They might say in those situ-
ations, for example, “Never mind,” “No worries,” or “Win some, lose
some.” All languages have such phrases or expressions that are
meant to help people recover quickly from mistakes and failures.
What phrases do you yourself use to cope with such situations?
What do you say to yourself when the cake you have baked for
your distinguished guests falls? What about when someone steals
an empty parking space from under your nose? Or when you come
home from the shops realising that you forgot to buy what you
went there for? If your child finds it hard to accept failures and mis-
takes, teach them to use your own favourite self-assuring phrase
until it comes as naturally to them as it comes to you.
Picky eating
With picky eating, I mean that the child is very picky about what food-
stuffs they agree to eat. For example, the child refuses to eat salad or
vegetables, or only agrees to eat a few foods and no others. Generally,
the problem subsides with time, and very rarely does it become so
serious that the child’s healthy growth and development is endan-
gered. Whatever the case, a child’s picky eating is a problem because it
complicates meals and causes worry in the child’s parents.
You can help your picky eater by to enticing them to improve
their “tasting skill,” or the skill of trying new tastes and new food-
stuffs. Children can develop their tasting skill by playing a game,
the “tasting game,” which all family members can take part in.
One possible way to play the “tasting game” is that together with
your child you start tasting every day at least one or two different new
foodstuffs. For example, today you taste olives and pineapple, tomor-
row you taste carrots and pickled cucumbers, the day after tomorrow
you taste coconut and cinnamon, etc. It is possible to find ways to
make the game fun. For example, I remember playing a version of such
a game with my daughters when they were little. Every time we would

taste a new foodstuff, with the first bite we would make exaggerated
faces of disgust and say something like “Yuck, tastes awful!” Then we
would take the second bite and we would again exaggerate, but this
time we would make faces of delight and say something like: “Mmm,
how yummy!” We could continue the game for quite some time, alter-
nating many times with exaggerated “Yuck, tastes awful” and “Mmm,
how yummy” reactions.
Tasting new tastes can, when needed, be done in very small steps.
Let’s say you want your child to taste a tomato and they absolutely
refuse to do so: You may suggest to the child to start by tasting an
imaginary tomato, for example, by eating a sandwich with slices of
invisible tomato in it. You can also keep a log of all new tastes that
have been tried and to reward the child in one way or the other when
they have succeeded in tasting a given number of new foods.
Learn more about this topic by reading the story of 4-year-old Linda in the
previous chapter.
Playing with fire
At some point in their development, many children become fasci-

nated with fire. They want to strike matches, light candles, participate
in lighting the fire in the fireplace, etc. In some children this fascina-
tion with fire is so intense that they start to play with fire when they
know that it is dangerous and forbidden to do so. When the parents
discover that their child has been playing with fire, they half-auto-
matically scold the child, telling them that it is strictly forbidden for
children to play with fire and often threaten the child with some pun-
ishment if the child refuses to comply with the rules.
Children playing with fire is always a serious problem, but it is par-
ticularly serious in countries where there is a high risk of forest fires
because of heat and long periods of drought. One example of such a
territory is Queensland, Australia. That is where they have developed
a successful intervention to respond to children who have been dis-
covered playing with fire. It is a program where a fireman who has
been trained to deliver the service visits the child’s home a few times
to teach the child about fire safety, things such as how to check that

the fire alarm works properly, how to draw up a rescue plan for the
home, how to use the fire extinguisher, how to escape from a house
that’s on fire, etc. The brief personal training ends with the child
visiting the fire station, where they get a tour of the station, the fire
trucks and fire equipment. At the end of the visit, the child is awarded
an impressive pin that says “Home Fire Safety Officer.” After receiv-
ing this diploma, the child can participate in spreading information
about fire safety to family, friends, and classmates.
The intervention program, which was developed by Queensland
fire station and local psychologists to support families with a child
who has been playing with fire, is a formidable example of how the
skills approach can be applied to dealing with serious and potentially
extremely hazardous problems.
Punishing
All children sometimes break rules and orders by doing something

that is wrong or forbidden. They may, for example, steal, lie, break
things, bully their classmates, act violently, curse to the teacher, etc.
When children break the rules, adults usually think that it is their
responsibility to reprimand and punish the child to ensure that they
understand that they have done something wrong and will not do
anything similar again.
However, punishing the child is not the only way to teach children
to understand the difference between right and wrong. Sometimes
punishing increases, rather than reduces, the child’s unacceptable
behaviour.
Fortunately, punishing children is not the only way to try to ensure
that the child does not do the same thing again. One possibility is to
use a method that I created with my colleagues that we call Steps of
Responsibility. It means that you talk to your child about what hap-
pened, helping your child to:
1. talk frankly about what they have done,

2. understand why it was wrong to do what they did,
3. think about what would be a good way for them to apologise
for what they have done,

4. think about some way they could offer to make up the
wrongdoing,
5. think about how to ensure that they will never do anything sim-
ilar again,
6. consider the possibility of influencing other children so that
they, too, would understand to refrain from doing anything
similar.
It may be useful to think that that your child doesn’t break rules
because they are mean, but because they lack some skill that they
need to learn to keep on the right path.
For example, if your child has the bad habit of hitting other chil-
dren when they get angry, you don’t need to think that they are
mean. Instead, you might think that they lack a skill that would
allow them to avoid hitting other children. That skill might be, for
example, “the skill of apologising to the child that you have hurt,”
or “the skill of putting your anger into words,” or “the skill of calm-
ing yourself down in situations where you become angry and have
the risk of starting to hit others.”
You can read more about this topic by visiting the Steps of Responsibility
website, www.kidsskills.org /english/responsibility which I designed
more than two decades ago for the Finnish Board of Education with fund-
ing from the European Union. On that website you will also find an app
that you may find interesting that helps young people compose thought-
fully written apology letters - www.kidsskills.org /english/responsiblity
/sorry_ letter
Screen time
Parents often think about how much time they should allow their
children to spend on their phones. If parents don’t set any limits at
all for their children, they can spend hours on end on their phones.
On the other hand, if the parents try to limit the time their children
spend in front of screens, they may be taken by surprise when they
realise how far they will go in their battle for the command of their

phones. Screen time is currently one of the most popular topics of
parenting conversations all over the world.
I don’t have an opinion about how much screen time children
should be allowed at different ages. Instead, I can remind you of
some of the principles that you may want to keep in mind when
you want your child to stop an activity that they find compelling.
First, it is usually easier to get the child to start doing something
else than to get them to stop doing something they like a lot. For this
reason, it may be smarter not to try to reduce the time that the child is
allowed to spend in front of a screen but to increase the time that the
child is using for preferable activities such as socialising with other
children, creative play, homework, chores, sports, studying, etc. If you
want your child to spend less time on their phone or playing video
games and you want them to spend more time doing their homework,
you may be more successful if you don’t try to get your child to reduce
the amount of time they spend on playing, but thinking about how to
get your child to allocate more time to doing homework.
When you talk with your child, tell them that you would want
them to allocate more time to homework or whatever it is that you
think is important for them and show understanding. “I under-
stand very well that you like playing video games more than you
like doing your homework, but it is my duty to see to it that you
take good care of your homework. What do you propose? How can
we make sure that you do your homework first and start playing
only after the homework is done? What can you do and how can
I help you?” You should also negotiate with your child an agree-
ment about how they want you to remind them, if needed, of the
order in which you want them to learn to do these things. “Suppose
I sometimes see you playing a video game and I need to remind
you to finish your homework first, so how would you want me to do
it? I don’t want to sound bitchy. I want to do it in a nice way. What
would be a nice way for me to remind you?”
One father of two children told me that in his family screen time
has never been a problem. I asked him how they had solved the
problem in their family. He said, “We decide about our children’s
use of time. They have duties and they have free time. We make
sure that they do their duties and when they have free time, they
can use it in whatever way they want. If they want to use all their

free time playing video games and the like, that’s up to them, it’s
none of our business. This system has worked well in our family
and even if they are allowed to use devices during their free time as
much as they like, they don’t normally use all that time on gaming
and the like.”
Read the story of 14-year-old Simon in the previous chapter to learn more
about how to apply the skills approach to dealing with the screen-time
challenges.
Selective mutism
Selective mutism means that a child who speaks normally at home

with their family members refuses to speak with anyone outside the
home, in day care or at school. At the time I was specialising in psy-
chiatry, it was thought that selective mutism was an indication of a
serious underlying emotional disturbance, but these days it is more
common to think that selective mutism is simply an indication that
the child is suffering from a sort of social anxiety: the fear of speaking
with “strangers,” which in this case means anyone outside the imme-
diate family.
The skills approach to fears is based on the idea that it is easier for
children to grow a courage than to get rid of a fear. If a child is afraid
of speaking with people, they can overcome their fear by working on
their “talking courage.”
The most important thing about growing the talking courage is,
as in growing any courage, to proceed slowly with small steps. Work
out, in cooperation with your child, a ladder of progress consisting of
tiny steps. A first step for the child could be, for example, to manage
to play a game where the child talks to strangers represented by hand
puppets. The next step could perhaps be responding to a WhatsApp
message or email received on the phone, then speaking just a few
words with someone on the phone, and so on.
A woman who used to suffer from selective mutism as a child told
me that her first significant step in developing her speaking courage
was, encouraged by her parents, to say “hello” in the morning to one
of her classmates.

If your child is afraid of talking with people outside the immedi-
ate family, be understanding. Remember that children can become
afraid of just about anything and that diverse social fears – and
selective mutism is a social fear – are very common in children
and adults alike.
Support your child in overcoming their fear: Praise the child for any
steps, no matter how small, that they have taken so far in developing
their courage to speak; give them positive feedback for any efforts
that they make; and help them to come up with games or exercises
with which they can securely learn and grow – slowly but surely –
their courage of talking with people.
Self-stimulation
Children realise at an early age that touching or rubbing their sex

organs gives them pleasant feelings. Some children develop a
habit of doing so. Boys may stimulate themselves through play-
ing with their penis and girls, for example, by rubbing their private
parts against furniture.
According to the medical view, self-stimulation, or masturbation,
is not in any way harmful, but if done in public, in plain sight of
other people, it is in most cultures considered inappropriate behav-
iour. If a child who is no longer a toddler, self-stimulates publicly,
it is time for him or her to learn that giving pleasure to oneself by
touching or rubbing one’s private parts is a private activity that we
humans are not supposed to do in public.
If your child touches or rubs themselves in public, explain to them
that it is OK to do so, but that it is something that people need to
learn to do when they are alone by themselves, not something you
do in front of other people. There are also many other things that are
not done in front of other people. Small children, for example, may
sit on the potty in front of other people, but as children grow older,
they learn to go to the toilet behind closed doors. There are rules in all
cultures pertaining to nudity and display of affection. For example, in
some countries couples are allowed to kiss in public places, while in
some other cultures even just walking hand in hand on the street is
considered inappropriate and unacceptable.

Sometimes children engage in self-stimulation “automatically”
without being self-aware of doing it. In such cases the first step for
the child to learn is to notice and to become aware of when they are
doing it. The next step is to make an agreement with the child about
a place in which it is okay to do it and how you, or other people, can
remind him or her to use that place if needed.
When you talk about self-stimulation with your child, start by
inventing, together with the child, a word to refer to touching oneself.
If your child already has a name for the activity, you can choose to use
his or her word. If not, you can suggest something such as “touching,”
“fondling,” or “stroking.” Explain to your child that he or she is now
old enough to learn to touch their private parts in private when other
people are not around.
Separation anxiety
Some children find it challenging to separate from their parents.

A child may, for example, feverously resist being left in the kinder-
garten or school, clinging desperately to their parents. If your child
finds it difficult to separate from you and you feel bad about leav-
ing your crying child behind, you may want to try to solve the prob-
lem using the skills approach.
Separating from one’s parents – or separation skill – is an impor-
tant competence that every child needs to learn sooner or later. Most
children learn that skill naturally and there is no need to pay any
extra attention to it, but some children find it challenging and need
some help and support in learning it.
Start by inventing, together with your child, a fun name for the
separation skill that the child can understand. It can be, for exam-
ple, “Bye-bye skill,” “See-you-soon skill,” or “So-long skill.” If the
child is small, you can start by practising the skill with a doll or cud-
dly toy by playing a game where the toy needs to learn to separate
from the child because it is going to be taken care of for a while by
grandparents or will be visiting some other place.
Such a game offers the child opportunities to find ways for their
cuddly toy to succeed in staying in other care for gradually longer peri-
ods of time. The same methods become available to the child when it

is time to start practising separation-skill in real life with parents. Be
generous in terms of praising your child for good ideas, for trying and
for making even small progress.
Shouting
Controlling the pitch and volume of one’s voice is a social skill that
all children need to learn. A child who speaks loudly or who shouts
is probably not aware of the volume of their voice. Therefore, the first
step for a child who is too loud is to learn to become aware of the vol-
ume of their own voice.
One smart way to help children become more aware of the vol-
ume of their voice is an app that can be downloaded on your phone,
that shows the volume of one’s voice in a visual form. Another alter-
native to teach children volume awareness is to use your hand for
signalling. You can say, “Now you are speaking this loud,” while
you raise your hand to a certain level in front of you. “Say the same
again with a slightly lower voice and I will use my hand to show you
your volume.”
When the child becomes more aware of the volume of their voice,
the next step for them is to learn to control the volume in situations
where they tend to speak too loudly.
An important part of helping a child learn to control the volume of
their voice is to let them decide how they want other people to remind
them of the skill. It is possible to find playful ways to do it. You may,
for example, pretend that somewhere on your child’s body there is a
“volume knob” that can be turned right to raise the volume and left
to lower the volume. The game prepares the child for simple gestures
that you and their other supporters can use to remind them of the
skill of turning down their voice when it is too loud for the situation.
Shyness
Sometimes parents worry that their child is overly shy or timid. In

these situations, it is good to keep in mind that as a rule shyness and
timidness is a period that lasts for some time and passes on its own

accord. The less you are worried about it, the easier you make it for
your child to understand that they are simply going through a natural
phase of development.
Incidentally, it would not hurt if we all learned to appreciate the
fact that we are all different. Some people are social, or extroverted,
while others are more timid, or introverted. There’s room in this world
for us all. Timid people often have skills and talents that more social
people don’t.
Having said that, if you are worried about your child’s shyness
or if your child suffers from their timidness, you may want to
think of some ways to encourage your child to develop their social
courage.
Developing courage – any courage – works best when you take
baby steps, and the child feels that they are in control of progress.
What would be the first little sign for you that your child is starting
to develop their social bravery? Would it be that they greet someone,
or that they would talk to someone on the phone? Or would the first
small sign be that your child would raise their hand in class and give a
short answer to the teacher’s question? If such steps seem overwhelm-
ing to the child, you can start by using hand puppets to practise social
interaction. With puppets you can play out various social situations
and practise safely tackling them.
Sibling rivalry
If you have more than one child in your family, you probably know
from experience that siblings have a tendency to argue, fight, compete
with one another, and they may even physically attack each other.
Children can be nasty towards their siblings in many ways and even
bullying is not uncommon.
Children seem to adapt astonishingly well to their ongoing bat-
tle with their siblings. Parents, on the other hand, tend to suffer
from their children’s fighting and the fact that they constantly have
to intervene and try to mediate between their offspring.
The term “sibling rivalry” is often used to refer to siblings’ constant
arguing and quarrelling. This choice of words suggests that the prob-
lem is caused by competition and jealousy between siblings. I doubt

that this explanation, regardless of whether it’s true or not, helps us
to find solutions to the problem.
There are other ways to make sense of the same behaviour.
According to the skills approach, the constant quarrelling between
siblings is caused by a lack of certain skills that the siblings have
not developed yet — skills such as the skill to care for, or to be kind
and helpful, towards each other. To think of sibling rivalry as an
indication of missing skills can be useful because it is easier to help
children develop desirable behaviour than to try to reduce their
undesirable behaviour; in other words, it is easier to cultivate kind-
ness, tolerance, and helpfulness than to get rid of jealousy, envy,
and rivalry.
Siblings are born with an innate will and ability to help and sup-
port each other. However, their ability to be supportive of each
other can sometimes become dormant if children do not have suf-
ficient opportunities to practise and exercise it. The ability to be
supportive of siblings is made up of what could be called “sibling
skills,” which can be developed and strengthened through exercise
and practice.
To reduce sibling quarrelling, don’t blame them for constantly
arguing with each other, but instead focus on giving them oppor-
tunities to strengthen their sibling skills. Talk with them about sib-
ling skills and let them participate in deciding which sibling skills
they want to learn to get along better with each other and what
would be a good way to learn those skills.
I’ve collected below some examples of skills you can help your
children learn to get along better with each other:
● ‘Caring skill’ – ability to take care for your sibling.

● ‘Kindness skill’ – ability to be kind towards your sibling.
● ‘Playing skill’ – ability to play nicely with your sibling.
● ‘Helping skill’ - ability to help your sibling when they need help.
● ‘Loving skill’ – ability to show warm feelings towards your sibling.
● ‘Thanking skill’ – ability to thank your sibling when they have
given you something or helped you in some way.
● ‘Encouragement skill’ – ability to encourage your sibling when
they are learning new skills.
● ‘Mentor skill’ – ability to teach your sibling things patiently.

● ‘Sharing skill’ – ability to share toys and other things.
● ‘Compromise skill’ – ability to resolve conflicts on your own.
You can you help your children learn the thanking skill, for exam-
ple, with the help of the following exercise. Make it a habit to dis-
cuss successes with your children at dinner. “Samuel, it’s your turn
to start. What you have done today that you are proud of, that
you have succeeded with?” “What about you, Anton?” When your
children have talked about their successes today, help them think
about how they could thank each other. “We are all proud of you.
Samuel. Well done. Thanks for sharing. Who contributed to your
success? How did Anton contribute? What can you thank him for?”
“What about you, Anton? How did Samuel contribute? What can
you thank him for?”
It may not be easy at first for your children to thank each other for
their own successes, but with your help they will gradually learn to
thank one another for their successes – and the more they thank each
other, the less they fight with each other.
Sleeping
Your child sleeps in your bed
Some children find it difficult to learn to sleep in their own room or

their own bed. Parents may solve the problem by allowing the child
to sleep in their bed or by making special arrangements such as one
parent sleeping the night with the child in the child’s room.
However, before long such special arrangements become a burden
on the parents, and they are not in the best interest of the child either.
It may then be time to start to think about how you can best help your
child learn to fall asleep in their own bed. It is a skill that every child
must learn sooner or later.
Explain to your child why you want them to learn to sleep in their
own bed: “I sleep better, and you sleep better too. When I sleep better,
I’m in a better mood in the morning and you, too, will wake up feeling
happy. Besides, once you have learned to fall asleep in your own bed,

you can invite your friends over for a sleepover and they will probably
want to invite you over for a sleepover too.”
Make sure other members of your family agree with you that it’s
time for your child to learn to sleep in their own bed. Your child will
be more motivated to learn the skill if they know that this is not
merely your wish, but an important skill that everyone important
to them wants them to learn.
You can put a calendar in your child’s room where they can put
a mark on all the nights that they have successfully fallen asleep in
their own bed. Once your child has accumulated a pre-agreed number
of marks, it is time to celebrate the learning of the skill in the previ-
ously agreed way.
Child crawls into your bed at night
Many children wake up at some point in the night and, while half-
asleep, crawl into their parents’ bed to sleep the rest of the night there.
Some parents welcome their child into their own bed, but others are
disturbed by it, especially if the child sleeps restlessly and there is
limited space in the bed.
If you want your child to learn to sleep in their own bed through
the night, your child would need to learn the skill of “going back to
sleep in your own bed if you wake up in the middle of the night.”
Explain to your child that they have now become so big, that it is
time for them to learn to sleep in their own bed through the night
until the morning. Help them think of a funny name for this skill and
ask them to choose a cuddly toy to help them learn the skill. Also,
make an agreement with the child about how many nights they
should manage to sleep in their own bed till the morning before a
party can be arranged to celebrate and honour the child’s learning
of the skill.
If you have made an agreement with your child about the number
of nights they need to manage to sleep in their own bed until the
morning, you can put a calendar in your child’s room to mark the
nights when they have managed to sleep in their own bed through
the night. If sleeping in their own bed until dawn is too much of a

challenge for your child, you can go slow and start by allowing your
child to sleep on a mattress on the floor in your bedroom instead of
allowing your child to sleep in your bed.
You can develop some sort of game with your child to help them
practise falling asleep again in their own bed. For example, you could
pretend that it is night-time and the child “wakes up” in their own
bed in the middle of the night. When the child “wakes up,” they then
do something to help themselves fall asleep again. For example, they
might stroke their teddy bear and whisper silently to it, “Oh, you woke
up dear. It’s all right. I’m here with you. I’ll hold you until you go back
to sleep.”
See the end of the story of 8-year-old Adam in the previous chapter.
Soiling
Soiling or encopresis means that a healthy child over 4 years of age

soils their pants repeatedly because they refuse to go to the toilet. The
child holds on until pressure finally forces the smelly faeces into the
trousers. Sometimes the problem has started with painful defecation
caused by constipation, but most of the time the cause of this strange
problem remains a mystery.
Professionals often think that in order to help a soiling child, it
is important to find out why the child refuses to go to the toilet.
This is easier said than done. The child doesn’t know why they don’t
want to go to the toilet. Professionals have many theories, but they
don’t have an agreement about which is the correct one.
It may be more fruitful to ask: “What skill should the child learn
so that they will no longer defecate into their trousers?” One possible
answer is that they need to learn the skill of “going regularly to the
toilet,” or, perhaps in some cases, the “courage to go use the toilet.”
Whatever skill the child needs to learn, it is probably possible to find
a fun and creative way to practise it.
The late Australian family therapist Michael White described in
the 80s a creative way to help soiling children that became known
as the “Sneaky Poo” method. White explained to the child and their
parents that the child’s soiling was not the fault of the parents, nor

the child’s own fault. It was caused by “Sneaky Poo,” a nasty little
creature that makes the child’s faeces go to their pants. The idea is
to help the child and their parents view the problem in a new light,
not as a serious mental health disturbance (as they have been led to
think by experts), but rather as the antics of the Sneaky Poo. Once
everyone is on the same page, it becomes possible to develop a
therapy programme aimed at resisting Sneaky Poo and sending it
packing.
The family is invited to think about things that Sneaky Poo likes
children to do, and the things that it doesn’t like children to do.
Usually, the family soon comes to the conclusion that one of the
things Sneaky Poo doesn’t like children to do is for them to go reg-
ularly to the toilet. That observation leads to the tactic of resisting
Sneaky Poo by deliberately going regularly to the toilet and sitting on
it for a given time.
Another way to resist Sneaky Poo includes organising the child
to race with it. In the family therapy session, the therapist asks the
family to draw a map of the child’s home and its surroundings,
and once the map is complete, the child will point to the spots on
the map where Sneaky Poo usually attacks them. During the next
week the family organises a race, where the child runs to the toi-
let from the various spots marked on the maps where Sneaky Poo
has attacked the child. The idea with the race is to become quicker
than Sneaky Poo. One of the parents is responsible for the child’s
proper racing outfit – usually the costume of the child’s superhero
– while the other parent is responsible for timing the child’s runs on
a stopwatch.
There was an interesting detail in the Sneaky Poo that caught my
attention. Sometimes the family would come back for the next ses-
sion and would report to White that there had been a setback; the
Sneaky Poo approach had initially worked wonders, but then, after a
while, the problem had returned. White dealt with these situations in
a creative manner. He said, “Oh, it’s my fault. I forget to tell you about
tigers. When Sneaky Poo realizes that the child has had enough and is
determined to send it packing, it often starts to fight back and that’s
when you need tigers to help you. You see, Sneaky Poo is not afraid of
many things, but it is afraid of tigers.” Once the children would have
this additional information, they would take advantage of it. They

would, for example, draw pictures of tigers, attach photos of tigers
on the toilet walls or get themselves a stuffed tiger to be their special
supporter. I found White’s idea of recruiting tigers as helpers so clever
that I have integrated this into the skills approach that I describe in
this book.
The Sneaky Poo method developed by White was revolutionary. He
showed beyond a doubt that even the kind of problems that are nor-
mally considered to be serious child psychiatric disturbances – and
soiling is a prime example of such a problem – can be successfully
treated using a playful approach where the child’s parents play an
active role in supporting and helping the child conquer the problem.
If your child suffers from soiling, don’t pay too much attention to
what the “experts” believe and use the skills approach instead. Assume
that soiling is merely a sign that your child hasn’t yet acquired the
skill of going regularly to the toilet. Let your child give a name to the
“toilet skill” and support them in learning the skill through deliberate
practice carried out as a playful game.
If, for any reason, your child feels that sitting on the toilet regularly
is too big of a step, you can help them to think of some smaller mile-
stones. For example, your child can start the project by doing some-
thing else that Sneaky Poo would probably not like the child to do.
such as learning to take care of “accidents” on their own. The child
can start the skill-learning project by first learning to take off their
soiled clothes after the accident, put them directly into the washing
machine, wash up, and, finally, put on clean clothes – all by them-
selves without the help of the parents. Surely Sneaky Poo would not
like them to develop skills like that!
To learn more about this subject, read the story of 5-year-old Jesse in the
previous chapter on this topic.
Tantrums
When children are two, it is common that they react to disappoint-

ments with fierce tantrums — attacks consisting of crying, shouting,
kicking, hitting, and smashing things. The reason for this reaction
is immature development of the cortical parts of the brain. Another

way to put it is to say that they lack the ability to control their anger
and to regulate their emotional reaction when they become mad at
something.
Normally tantrums fade by themselves when children grow older
and their brains mature and become capable of handling emotions
better, but in some children this development takes so long that
the parents are at a loss trying to figure out what to do to get the
child to stop having tantrums.
When the child is still small, the best way to help them overcome
their tantrums is to not pay too much attention to the child’s extreme
reaction or, if possible, to take the child onto your lap and try to calm
them down, for example by talking to them in a soft voice or stroking
their hair. What works with small children doesn’t usually work with
bigger children and can, in fact, make things worse.
I was once speaking at a parent’s evening at a school when at the
end of the event a woman approached me and asked me if I had a few
minutes of time to talk to her. She said she wanted to know whether I
thought it was wrong what she did with her 6-year-old son who used
to have fierce tantrums.
“So, what did you do?” I asked curiously.
“I was with him in a supermarket, and he wanted me to get him
something that I didn’t want to buy for him. He responded by doing
what he had done many times before. He threw himself on the floor
and started crying and shouting and kicking in the air unrestrain-
edly. I don’t know what came over me, but I was so sick and tired of
his tantrums, that I wasn’t thinking about what I was doing. I, too,
threw myself to the floor and started crying and shouting and kick-
ing in the air, imitating him.”
“Okay, and what happened?” I was keen to know.
“My son stopped his tantrum short and came to me to try to stop
me: “Mom, stop it. Don’t do that. I’m ashamed of you,” he said to me
as if I hadn’t ever had to be ashamed of his tantrums.”
I admired the mother’s creative courage and asked her if her
reaction had had a lasting effect on her son or had it perhaps only
worked that one time.
“He tried to have a tantrum a few times after that, but when I
noticed what was happening, I told him if he’s going to have one, I’m
going to have one too and that worked well.”

“You asked me if I think what you did was wrong,” I said. “I think
you acted wisely, and I cannot imagine that what you did could in any
way be detrimental to your child’s development. On the contrary, he
can be proud of his creative and bold mama.”
To outgrow tantrums, children need to develop their self-control. It
is a skill that we all need to master in our lives. We need that skill to
be able to resolve conflicts with words rather than fists and firearms.
If you wish to help your child outgrow their tantrums you can
start by discovering, together with your child, a word or name for
their tantrums. It could be whatever sounds right to your child.
Examples include fit, eruption, explosion, blast, bang, fury, blowing
your top, etc. Naming the tantrum makes it easier to talk about the
issue while providing a foundation for a conversation about what
the child can do in the future to prevent a full-blown tantrum from
being triggered.
Continue by talking to your child about what they could do (the
emphasis here is on the verb “do”) when they become mad that would
help them calm down sufficiently to escape a tantrum: “What could
you do in those situations where you become angry, that would help
you cool down a bit, just enough to avoid the explosion?”
Help your child figure out some means by which they can calm
themselves down in situations that aggravate them. There is a myr-
iad of ways that children can try to calm themselves down when
they are angry. They may, for example, count to ten, breathe in and
out slowly 3 times, say something calming or self-soothing, stomp
their foot, leave the situation, and go to talk to someone, etc. One
5-year-old boy came up with the lovely idea of what to do instead
of starting to cry, shout, and hit people. When his teacher asked him
what skill he needed to learn to avoid his tantrums, he answered
that he needed to learn to sulk. The boy, despite his young age,
appeared to have insight into the process of learning self-control;
one of the first small steps in developing that skill is, indeed, to
learn to sulk instead of acting out.
Once you have an agreement with the child about what they want
to learn to do to calm themselves down, offer them plenty of oppor-
tunities to practise the skill. You may, for example, play a game with
your child where you pretend that they are mad because of something

that has happened and then they show you how they calm themselves
down using their tactic. Practice makes perfect, as the saying goes.
Don’t forget to agree with your child about how you, and other peo-
ple, can remind them of their self-control tactic when they are in a
tight spot. A mutually agreed-upon gesture or code is likely to work
much better than any kind of verbal reminder.
To learn more about how to help children with tantrums, read the story of
12-year-old Fanny in the previous chapter. You may also be interested to
read, together with your child, an illustrated story that I have written based
on the skills approach called “Linda tames her tiger.”
Tics
The word “tic” refers to repetitive involuntary movements, or twitches,

usually in the region of the forehead, eyes, or mouth. Tics can also
occur in shoulder regions or arms, and they can also be vocal when
they resemble coughing, sniffing, or clearing one’s throat.
It is common for children to have tics and in most cases the tics
disappear on their own. In some children the tics persist, and this
is when the parents typically consult experts with the hope of get-
ting help for their child.
The cause of tics is unknown, but it can be assumed that the symp-
tom is caused by some sort of disturbance in the neural pathways
responsible for controlling the muscles of that particular area. Tics
are not voluntary. Efforts to voluntarily control or stop the tics are not
helpful and may actually exacerbate the problem.
It is possible to try to alleviate tics with medication, but the effect
is very limited. Luckily tics can also be treated by teaching the child
ways to control them. This method, which has been described
within the cognitive-behavioural therapy movement, is known as
habit reversal training.
If your child has a persistent tic symptom that doesn’t seem to go
away on its own over time, have a conversation about the tic with your
child. Let your child give the tic a name that makes it easier to talk
about it and encourage your child to use the mirror to see what their

tic looks like. It is important for treatment to work that your child
learns to talk about their tic in an open manner, not unlike stuttering
children, who need to learn to talk openly about their stuttering with
their speech therapist and loved ones.
When your child’s tic is no longer a taboo but something that
can be talked about matter-of-factly, you can try the habit rever-
sal approach with them. Your first step can be an assessment to
find out how frequently their tic appears in a given timeframe.
Assessing the frequency of the tic makes it possible to keep an eye
on progress and to convince the child that it is actually possible for
them to gain at least some control over their tic with this form of
deliberate practice.
You can also ask your child to deliberately try to increase the fre-
quency of a tic. “Now you made 4 of them in 1 minute. Let’s see if you
deliberately go up to 8 tics in a minute.” When the child discovers that
they can intentionally increase the frequency of their tic, they can
begin to think that it may be also possible for them to deliberately
decrease the frequency of the tic.
Your next task is to help your child notice in advance when a tic is
about to occur. This is possible because people who have tics usually
have some kind of feeling, or prescience, that tells them that the tic is
about to happen, not unlike how we all experience some sort of feel-
ing that tells us just a few seconds in advance that a cough or sneeze
is coming on.
This feeling, or pre-knowledge, makes it possible for the child to
deliberately perform another movement right before the tic to prevent
the tic from being triggered. This reversal movement should resemble
in some way the tic while being less conspicuous. For example, if the
child’s tic involves clearing their throat, they may immediately upon
becoming aware of the urge to clear their throat take a deep breath, or
if the child’s tic involved blinking their eyes, they may close their eyes
for a brief moment just before the blinking would happen.
Children hardly notice their own tic symptoms, but parents are
often unduly worried about them. It is important to understand that
tics are not an indication of any underlying psychological disorder.
They are just tics. They usually go away on their own and even if they
don’t, it can be possible for children to develop a skill that will help
them gain some control of their tics.

Traumatic experiences
Parents do their best to protect their children from emotional shock

experiences, but whatever they do, there is no way they can protect
their children from bad things happening. At some point in their
growth and development, all children inevitably experience upsetting
things such as the death of a family member, being bullied by siblings
or peers, witnessing a crime, seeing one’s parent being intoxicated,
experiencing domestic violence, sexual harassment, illness, accidents,
suicide, fire, etc.
Children have an extraordinary ability to cope with upsetting
experiences. They process their experiences in many ways, includ-
ing simply thinking about it, drawing pictures of it, talking about
it with family or friends, and playing games that allow them to
process the upsetting experience on a symbolic level. Children are
probably also able to process their adverse experiences in their
dreams while they are asleep.
When your child has had an upsetting experience, the first thing
for you to do is to remind yourself of the fact that children are born
with an innate ability to cope with adverse experiences. If you still
feel worried about your child’s ability to cope with their experience,
you can contribute to your child’s recovery by observing the follow-
ing guidelines:
● Avoid pushing your child to talk about their experience. Instead,

offer your child opportunities to talk with you about their experi-
ence on their own initiative by spending time with them.
● If it appears to you that your child is not willing or ready to talk
with you about their experience, they may, however, be willing to
process their experience through drawing or listening to stories
describing similar or related experiences.
● If your child wants to talk with you about their experience, listen
to them without interrupting them. Do your best to answer their
questions and show particular interest to things that they have
done to cope with their experience.
● Praise your child for what they have acted wisely about at the time
of their experience and for how they have dealt with their experi-
ence since it happened.

Children recover from almost anything, and the best way that we
can support them is to simply be present and to show them that we
appreciate their own unique coping strategies.
Upsetting experiences can trigger nightmares. See the section about night-
mares in this chapter to find out how to help children overcome nightmares.
Parents’ divorce is an upsetting experience that touches in the lives of many
children. See the section about divorce in this chapter to learn more about
how to help children cope with divorce.
Unhealthy diet
If a child consumes excessive amounts of fatty food or food with low

nutritional value such as pizza, burgers, sugary soda, and sweets, it
is commonly assumed that the problem does not lie with the child
but with the parents who allow this to happen. Consequentially, pro-
fessionals often try to solve the problem by trying to influence the
parents; giving them instructions to make sure the child sticks to
a healthier diet. That is, however, easier said than done. It is a well-
known fact that changing habits is difficult or next to impossible for
people.
It may be a better strategy to focus on the child instead of the par-
ents and try to help the child adopt healthier habits with the support
of their parents.
If your child has an unhealthy diet, talk to them about the topic
of healthier eating and tell them that you are willing to help them
adopt a heathier diet. Include other adults who are caring for your
child in the conversation and invite them to join forces to help the
child develop healthier eating habits. It is easier for your child to
modify their diet if it is not only your wish but a goal that all the
important people in the child’s life are supportive of.
Shy away from criticising your child for eating unhealthy foods.
Instead, talk to them about why it is important for all of us to learn
to develop healthier eating habits. Don’t try to motivate your child
by pointing out all the negative consequences of an unhealthy diet.
Talk to them about the benefits of a healthy diet instead. Draw up a
list, together with your child, of diverse healthy foods and nutritional

habits and allow your child to decide which new eating habits they
want to adopt first.
Rather than criticising your child for eating unhealthy foods,
praise them whenever they eat in a healthier manner. One of the best
ways to support your child is to join them in adopting healthier eating
habits yourself.
Violence
With violent behaviour I mean here that a child hits, kicks, shoves, or
scratches other children, or spits on them, or does something similar
towards their own parents or other adults around them.
Violent behaviour is unacceptable, and it is therefore the duty of
the child’s parents to help the child stop their violent behaviour.
Whatever the reason for the child’s violent behaviour, it is important
to help the child find a skill to learn that allows them to gain better
control of their anger. The missing skill is, by definition, the “ability
to respond to anger and frustration in a socially acceptable manner.”
Accordingly, one can say that a child who uses violence has not yet
found better ways to deal with their anger, ways that they can learn
and develop with the help and support of their family and friends.
Four-year-old Emmy had the bad habit of hitting other children in
kindergarten. When her teacher sat down to talk to Emmy about the
issue, she said to her: “I have noticed that when you get angry with the
other children, you sometimes hit them. I’m sure you know that it is
wrong to do so. We don’t want you to hurt anyone, but I can help you.
How about from now on, whenever you get angry with another child,
instead of hitting anyone, you will run to me as quickly as you can,
and you tell me what happened that upset you. When you have told
me, I will help you find a solution. Do you want to learn to do that?”
Emmy understood that it was a skill worthwhile learning.
Ten-year-old Jack attended a small alternative school where the
entire staff had been trained in the skills approach. Jack had the bad
habit of attacking other children when he became furious. The prob-
lem was serious because the parents of some of the other children
in the school had started to voice demands that Jack needed to be
excluded from the school. The principal of the school had a frank talk

with Jack. “Listen Jack, you can never again attack any of the other
children in our school. If we don’t succeed in figuring out some way to
put an end to that kind of behaviour, I will have to tell your parents
that you can no longer continue to be with us. Next time you become
angry, for whatever reason, you cannot attack anyone. You have to do
something else instead. You must do something to help yourself calm
down. What could it be? What can you do to calm yourself down?”
Jack thought for a moment and then said that it would help him
if he ran to the school’s respite room and banged the big cushions
there with his fists.
“That could work,” said the principal, and he asked Jack to show
him how he would do it. Jack pretended that he was angry and ran
swiftly to the respite room to bang the pillows with his fists.
“This time it worked just fine,” said the principal, wondering aloud
whether Jack would be able to do the same in real-life situations when
he became cross with someone over something they had said or done.
The principal asked Jack to show the same procedure to his teachers
so that they would know what he was supposed to do to control him-
self next time he became angry for whatever reason. Jack practised
his new behavioural response every time he showed various people
– teachers, classmates and his parents – what he intended to do from
now on when he became angry. The principal also made an agreement
with Jack about how his teachers and his classmates would remind
him of the respite room when needed. In the following weeks, Jack
ran many times to the respite room to bang the cushions with his
fists, but he never attacked anyone again.
A 6-year-old girl hit other children in a kindergarten. She had been
told many times not to do so and she knew quite well that what she
was doing was wrong. Her teacher had taught her to apologise to the
children she had hit. Apologising to the victim was a skill she mas-
tered well, but it didn’t make her change her behaviour; she kept on
hitting others. When the teachers wondered in a meeting what to do
to help the girl stop hitting others, they came up with an idea. They
thought that since apologising to the children she had hit had not had
any effect, she should perhaps be required to extend her apology to the
parents of the child she had hit. The teachers presented the idea to the
girl’s father, a single guardian, and he agreed despite the possibility that
he would sometimes in the afternoon have to stay and wait for some

time at the kindergarten for the parents of the child who had been hit
by her daughter to show up to collect their child from the kindergarten.
During the next week the girl learned to apologise for her behaviour,
not only to the children she had hit but also to their parents – and
probably even more importantly, her father now witnessed her doing
so. This small, but apparently significant change in the way the girl pre-
sented her apology yielded the desired outcome in just two weeks.
The skill of apologising is one of the skills that help children stop
their violent behaviour, but for the apology to work it is important
that you talk to your child and help them think of what would be a
good and befitting way to present the apology for it to have the desired
effect – not only on the victim but on the perpetrator as well.
Self-control – or anger management – is a skill that all children
need to learn. Small children are not yet capable of controlling or
regulating their emotions. When they become disappointed, they
cry, scream, hit, fight, kick, etc. As children grow older, they learn to
regulate their emotions and to control their anger. Instead of acting
violently, they learn to respond to anger in more mature ways, such as
by expressing their anger in words, going over to talk to an adult, or
by doing something else that helps them avoid behaving violently. If
it is difficult for a child to learn these skills for one reason or another,
work with the child to think about which self-control skill they should
learn and help them to learn it. If for any reason it is difficult for your
child to learn those skills, talk to the child to figure out together with
them what skill they need to learn to gain better control of their anger
and help your child make a plan to learn that skill.
You can find more information on the topic of apology in the section with the
heading ‘Punishment’ in this chapter.
Wetting
Daytime wetting
Daytime wetting, or “diurnal enuresis” as it is called in medical lingo,

means that an otherwise healthy child who, judging by their age,

should already have learned to be continent, wets their pants at least
once, but often several times a day.
If you try to handle the problem by letting your child use a diaper
during the day, the process of learning to be dry may become pro-
longed. It may be better to figure out what skill the child needs to
learn in order not to wet their pants during the day.
In one daycare centre there was a 3-year-old hyperactive boy
who wet his trousers daily, and on some days several times a day.
According to the staff the boy was so hyperactive that he simply
didn’t have the patience to take a break from his activities to go
to the toilet to void his bladder. When the staff sat down to think
about what skill the boy needed to learn, they concluded that the
boy needed to learn “to stop every once in a while, and to listen to
his body;” in other words, to stop and stand still for a few seconds
to feel whether he had the urge to pee or not. If he would feel that
he needed to go, even just a little, he would have to go and if he
would feel that he didn’t have the urge, he could pass and keep on
doing whatever it was that he was doing.
One of the staff explained to the boy what skill he needed to learn
to avoid wetting his pants and suggested to him that a few times dur-
ing the day she would give him a sign that meant that he should stop
and listen to his body, to feel whether he had an urge or not. The boy
understood the idea and a game was developed to help him acquire
the skill. In the game the boy was to walk into the toilet upon getting
the sign from the staff and to stop in front of the porcelain toilet seat
and then ask the seat. “Do you need my pee?” Once he had posed that
question to the toilet seat, he was supposed to wait to hear what the
toilet seat answered. If it said, “No, I don’t need your pee right now,”
the boy was to return to his games, but if the toilet seat answered. “Yes
please, I need some of your pee,” then the boy was to open his trousers
and give his reservoir of pee to the toilet. The boy was fascinated with
the game and quickly learned to develop control of his bladder.
A grandmother told me that she had succeeded in teaching her
granddaughter to become dry while she took care of the girl during
the time the parents were on holiday for a week. The grandmother
had wetted the groin of a doll and said to the girl, “Look darling, this
doll has wetted herself. Shall we teach it to use the potty?” The girl
readily agreed and the two of them joined forces to teach the doll the

skill of sitting on the potty. “How can the doll notice that she needs
to go?” “What should the doll do when she notices that she has the
urge?” “How long should the doll sit on the potty?” “How should the
doll be wiped after having been on the potty?” Step by step, as the
doll acquired the skills of using the potty, the girl, too, acquired the
same skill. When the parents returned from their holiday trip, the girl
proudly told them that she no longer needed to use the diaper during
the day because she had learned to use the potty instead.
Read the story of 6-year-old Sunny in the previous chapter.
Bedwetting
Bedwetting means that the child urinates in his or her bed while asleep
even though the child is already old enough to be expected to be dry
throughout the night. Learning to be dry throughout the night is a
physiological skill that children usually learn by the age of 3 or 4, but
for some children – for an unknown reason – it takes years to develop
that skill. Fortunately, keeping dry throughout the night is a skill that
children can deliberately practise and learn.
The rule of thumb in helping children who suffer from bedwet-
ting is not to focus on reducing wetting, but on increasing dry nights
instead. You can place a calendar on the wall of the child’s room and
use it to make a mark on each day the bed is dry in the morning. You
can also make an agreement with the child in advance about the way
in which you will celebrate with him or her once they have succeeded
in collecting a given number of signs in the calendar for dry mornings.
It is important to help the child understand how their bladder
works. Explain to your child, with the help of a drawing, how the
brain and the bladder are connected to each other with nerves. Your
drawing of a human being should show the brain in the head, the pee
container, the bladder, in the lower abdomen, and a nerve connect-
ing the two. The bladder should have some sort of valve or tap which
can be opened and closed by the brain. The brain is responsible for
opening the valve when a person goes to the toilet and for keeping
the valve tightly closed at other times, including the night. The reason
children sometimes wet the bed is that the child sleeps so soundly

that the brain forgets to inform the bladder to keep the valve in its
closed position.
When the child understands how their brain controls the gate of
their bladder, you can engage your child in a conversation about how
the child can teach their bladder gate to stay closed all night till the
morning. Your child can do it by using some form of self-hypnosis or
affirmation; before falling asleep, when their eyes are already closed,
they can, for example, let their brain speak to their bladder and repeat
3 times something along the lines of, “My dear bladder valve, please
remember to stay closed all night so that I can go to the toilet to pee
when I wake up in the morning!”
***
If you have read this far, you have by now probably formed a pretty
good understanding of what I mean when I speak about the skills
approach to parenting. I may have succeeded in confirming your own
thinking or in inspiring you to see your child’s development with new
eyes. In any case, I hope I have succeeded in awakening your desire to
try the approach with your own child. To this end, I conclude the book
with a few useful hints that will hopefully help you avoid common
pitfalls as you set out to put the ideas into practice in your own family.

Photo by Aman Shrivastava on Unsplash

8
THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND
The best way to help children overcome challenges

is to collaborate with them.
DOI: 10.4324/9781003435723-8
I
f, after reading this book, you have become inspired by the skills
approach and you feel like putting the approach into practice with
your own child, or a child you care for, you may benefit from the
following few practical reminders.
1. Establish a connection
with the child first
The skills approach is founded on collaboration with the child. For the
approach to work, you need to start by connecting with the child. There
are many ways you can do this. You can, for example, pick a good moment
for the conversation, then you prepare your child in some way for a con-
versation; or you can start by praising them for their good qualities. A
good way to connect with your child before talking with them about skills
to learn is to start the conversation by talking with your child about the
many skills they have already learned and become better at. It is easier
for children to accept the idea that there is one or more skills they might
benefit from learning if you first talk about the various skills that they
have already managed to develop.
2. Make sure the child wants

to learn the skill
“How do I get my child to agree to learn the skill I would want him
or her to learn?” is a question that I often hear when I speak to par-
ents or educators about the skills approach. I have often presented
this same question to people who have told me stories of how they
have used the approach with their own children. Here are some
examples of answers that I have heard from them:
“We have two biological children and one foster child. We solved the
problem by deciding that all of us, not only our foster child but also our
two other children as well as me and my husband, all had a skill to learn.
I think it was much easier for our foster child to go along with the idea of
learning a skill when it was not only something she had to do, but some-
thing that we were all doing.”

“I knew my daughter would not agree to learn the skill that I wanted her
to learn, so I first let her choose another skill that she was keen on learn-
ing. Only when she had already learned the skill she had picked herself,
and we had celebrated her success, I proposed that she learn the skill that
I wanted her to learn. At that point she was ready to say ‘yes,’ but I don’t
think it would have worked if I had started with trying to persuade her
to learn the skill I wanted her to learn.”
“I chose a good moment to talk about skills to learn. We were driving to

visit my mom and we, my son and I, were both in a good mood. I started
by talking about some of the skills that he has already learned before I
said a word about the skill that I wanted him to learn. I think it is impor-
tant to pay attention to timing. I think I succeeded in picking a good
moment in time to bring up the idea.”
“I knew that if I would tell my daughter that I would want her to learn
the skill that I was thinking of, she would not go for it. I had tried many
times before to talk about the issue and she had rejected me every time.
So, I decided to do it differently. I told her father, my ex-husband, about
the skills approach and about the skill that I wanted our daughter to
learn. Luckily, he agreed with me that it was an important skill for our
daughter to develop. I reminded him of the fact that our daughter adores
him and that she might be more willing to agree to learn the skill if the
proposal came from him rather than me. He agreed to talk to her, and it
worked. I think in our case it was better that the proposal came from her
father rather than me.”
“I went home after the workshop and told my son about what I had
learned. I showed him some pictures and explained to him the idea that
children can overcome all kinds of challenges by learning skills. Then I
asked him if he wanted to help me to learn to use the approach, that is, if
he would be willing to allow me to try the approach with him. He readily
agreed and once he had said ‘yes’ to the idea, it was no longer difficult to
find an agreement about a skill for him to learn.”
The old saying “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it
drink” applies to children. We cannot force children to learn what we
want them to learn, but we can raise their interest in learning, not
Things to keep in mind 163

unlike feeding a horse a bit of salt to make it thirsty enough to want
to drink some water from the river.
3. Make sure the skill is not stopping

undesired behaviour
I often emphasise (once again) that to use the skills approach, you
should make sure that when you talk about a skill to learn, you always
talk about learning to act in a desired manner rather than learning to
stop acting in an undesired manner. If, for example, a child should learn
not to speak with his mouth full of food, the skill to learn should not
be defined as “I will learn not to speak with my mouth full of food,”
but as something along the lines of “I will learn to wait till my mouth
is empty before I speak,” or if a child needs to learn not to get into
fights with other children, the skill should not be defined as “I will
stop getting fighting with other children,” but, for example, as “I will
learn to put my hands in my pockets and walk away if I get cross with
other children.” In other words, make sure that when talking about
skills, you always talk about the things you want your child to learn
to do rather than the undesired things that you would want your child
to stop doing.
4. Make sure the skill is something

that the child can do or say
When parents first start thinking about what skills their child would
need to learn, they often initially think of high-level skills that are
too broad for children to understand. Parents may say, for example,
that they think their child needs to “have more self-confidence,”
“develop better self-control,” “have a better attitude,” or “have
more empathy.” It is difficult for children to comprehend such
abstract and high-level adult language because such words do not
give them clues as to what exactly they are expected to learn to do
or say. For children to be able to learn skills, the skills need to be
concrete — something that can be role plays, demonstrated and

preferably even recorded on video. Only when the skill is concrete
enough to be acted out, it becomes possible for the child to show
it, to practise it and to get positive feedback from other people for
their effort and progress.
5. Make sure there is an agreement

about reminding
For the skills approach to work, it is important to not forget to make

an agreement with the child about how you, and other people, will
remind them of their skill when they sometimes forget it. You might
say to your child something along the lines of, “Darling, what sign,
gesture, or code do you want us to use to remind you of your skill
when you sometimes forget it?” The idea is to get your child to col-
laborate with you in drawing up a plan for how to deal with setbacks,
or occasional slip-ups, in a reassuring and supportive manner that is
consistent with the skills approach.
6. Be prepared for challenges
Skills orientation is not a cure-all for all children’s challenges.

Putting the approach to practice is often fun and rewarding, but it
can also be challenging and arduous. The child’s initial interest may
fade, new and unexpected problems may appear, collaboration
with other adults may not be as easy as one would have hoped,
and so on. Most of the time such obstacles are surmountable, but
it is good to know that if the skills approach alone is not sufficient,
it can always be combined with other approaches and solutions.
Things to keep in mind 165

Photo by Austrian National Library on Unsplash

9
SKILLS APPROACH
IN SCHOOLS
The skills approach improves the atmosphere of the school

and reinforces collaboration between everyone.
DOI: 10.4324/9781003435723-9
I
have so far in this book focused on describing how parents can
apply the skills approach to support the development of their
children, but it has surely become evident that also teachers and
other educators can benefit greatly from adopting the skills approach
in their day-to-day communication with the students and caretakers
alike.
A teacher said that learning about the skills approach had changed
her way of talking to her students. “Before,” she said, “if a student was
late, I would approach her and ask her, ‘Why are you 15 minutes late
again?’ and that got me nowhere. Nowadays I start the conversation
differently. Rather than confronting them about being late, I ask them,
‘What can you do to be a little less late tomorrow?’ It may sound silly,
but by initiating the conversation in this way the student responds
differently and we end up having a good talk about the issue.”
Collaboration with students
Let’s look at how the skills approach can be used to tackle the increas-
ingly common problem of students’ disruptive behaviour in class.
Disruptive behaviour can take many forms. I found on an Internet
forum a post submitted by a student listing various ways to act dis-
ruptively in class. The list included the following items:
● Laughing
● Giggling
● Talking with a classmate
● Shouting
● Telling the teacher off
● Rampaging
● Sending notes
● Not doing one’s homework
● Spying in exams
● Answering always “I don’t know” or “Beats me”
● Whistling
● Singing
● Talking to oneself
● Drumming

● Fiddling with phone
● Daydreaming in class
● Ripping up important papers
● Swinging on the chair
● Drawing on the desk surface
● Making drawings on the pages of books
● Breaking stuff
● Swearing
● Flipping the finger
● Deliberately disturbing the teacher
● Leaving the classroom without permission
● Reading and sending texts
● Talking on the phone
● Watching TikTok videos
A common teacher’s response to students’ disruptive behaviour is

what could be called “the consequences approach.” According to this
approach the teacher would, for example, give the student a warning,
dismiss them from the classroom, inform their caretakers, seat them
in the front row, send them to the principal’s office, or order them
detention. The consequences approach may appear reasonable, but as
all teachers know it doesn’t work very well and there is a considerable
risk that it has a negative rather than positive influence on the stu-
dent’s behaviour.
A teacher using the skills approach would approach the disruptive stu-
dent differently. He or she would assume that deep down the student
does not want to behave in a disruptive manner and that the student
would want to change their behaviour if they only knew how.
Here is a step-by-step suggestion of how the teacher might apply
the skills approach to tackle the problem.
1. Reserve some time to talk with the student privately.

2. If you are annoyed or irritated, find a way to calm down before
you talk to the student.
3. Start the conversation by talking with the student about their
strengths; things they are good at and positive character traits
they can be proud of.
Skills approach in schools 169

4. Don’t tell the student immediately why you want to talk with
him or her. Ask them instead, to guess why you want to talk with
them. If the student guesses correctly, you can praise them for
understanding that they have room for improvement in terms of
their behaviour.
5. Don’t ask the student why they behave the way they do. Such
typical adult questions, in the ears of students, sound like rep-
rimands. Students don’t usually know why they behave the way
they do and therefore experience why-questions as frustrating.
6. Instead of describing the student’s disturbing behaviour in detail,
talk to them about how you would want them to act in those situa-
tions in which they have tended to behave in a disruptive manner.
For example, “What could you do instead of chatting with other
students during class?” or “What would help you stay in your own
place?” or “What could you do instead of starting to drum on your
desk?” Let the student think about a better way to act in situa-
tions in which they have had the habit of acting disruptively.
7. Changing behavioural habits is not easy. Assume that the student
will not be able to make changes to his or her behaviour without
the help and support of other people. Ask the student to think
about how some of their classmates and their other teachers, in
addition to you, can help and support them, that is, how other
people can give them positive feedback for progress and remind
them in some friendly way of desirable behaviour when they for-
get to behave in the desirable manner.
8. Keep your eyes on the student’s progress and give them positive
feedback even for small signs of progress. Remember to thank
the student’s classmates and other teachers for their support and
encouragement. If possible, inform the student’s parents of the
positive changes, giving a good reason to feel proud of their child.
A YouTube video with me explaining this step-by-step approach is

available on my YouTube channel (https://youtu.be/NLyXgD38bJo).
The skills approach increases the likelihood that the conversation
with the student becomes constructive. When the focus is not on
the problem but on the skill that the student is expected to learn,

it is also sensible to look back and to talk with the student about
some of the times he or she has managed the skill. Supposing the
problem is tardiness, the teacher might say, for example, “You’ve
come to school twice this week on time. How did you manage it?
What did you do that helped you to be on time? Did someone help
you, or did you do it all by yourself? I’m sure your parents will be
happy when I tell them you’ve started to make some progress.”
Collaboration with parents
The skills approach can help teachers become more successful in

their communication not only with students, but also with parents.
Conventionally, when students have any kind of problems at school,
teachers simply inform the parents of the problem and expect them
to be able to take the information to heart and do something to cor-
rect the issue. The drawback of this seemingly sensible approach is
that it tends to put parents on the defensive.
For example, if the teacher informs a mother that her son has an
attitude problem and talks rudely back to the teacher at school, the
mother may feel blamed or criticised and respond accordingly. She
may, for example, start to defend her son
● I know he’s not the only one. Why are you picking on him of all
the kids?
● I think you need to be more understanding towards him. He has
ADHD and he’s presently going through a rough time because
I’m in the process of divorcing my husband.
or she may turn the blame onto someone else
● I do my best to teach him good behaviour, but his father has an

awful influence on him.
● I wonder why he speaks so rudely to you because he never
speaks rudely to any of the other teachers at school.
The skills approach works better than the conventional “inform-the-

parents” approach because it does not prompt the parents to become

defensive. When the teacher does not simply inform the parents of
their child’s problem behaviour but focuses instead on skills that the
child might benefit from learning, the parents will find it easier to
collaborate with the teacher in figuring out ways to help the child
develop the skills they lack.
Put yourself in the shoes of a mother whose son’s teacher con-
tacts her and talks to her about her son’s behaviour problem apply-
ing the skills approach. The teacher might say to her something
along the lines of, “Your son is smart and popular among his peers,
but there is a skill that I think he would benefit from learning. He
can sometimes appear rude in the way he speaks to people, and I
think he would benefit from learning to express himself in a more
polite and considerate manner. What do you think? Would you
agree that this would be a useful skill for him to learn?”
Approaching the parents with the skills approach teachers can
avoid blaming or criticising the parents. Shifting the focus from prob-
lems to skills makes it easier for the parents to engage in a construc-
tive conversation with the teacher about how to best help the student
improve the skills they need to become better at.
Working with the whole class
Teachers and other educators can benefit from using the skills
approach in their day-to-day conversations with students and their
caretakers, but the approach can also be used with the entire class to
improve the atmosphere of the class.
I have compiled, with the help of some colleagues and teachers,
a template for a skills-oriented project that is called Skilful Class. It is
a game-like process in which students develop essential social skills
by helping and supporting each other.
The project starts with the teacher offering the class an opportu-
nity to take part in the Skilful Class challenge. At this point the stu-
dents do not know what the project exactly entails, but they are told
that if they succeed in the challenge, there will be a festive celebration
with parents in which the principal of the school will award the class
with an impressive Skilful Class Certificate.

Assuming that the students become interested in the Skilful Class
project, the teacher explains to them that they will need permission
from the head teacher to do the project. To obtain the permission they
need to write an application in which they ask the head teacher for
approval to do the project. The teacher will give instructions to the class
only after the class has gotten the green light from the head teacher.
The Skilful Class project consists of two separate phases. The aim
of the first phase is for the pupils to demonstrate to their teacher that
they understand the idea of the project and that they are capable devel-
oping skills by supporting and helping each other. The teacher explains
to the class that they can choose one of six skills that they will collabo-
ratively learn or become better at. The six optional skills are:
1. We can manage our homework

2. We can calm down for lessons
3. We can solve our disagreements and conflicts on our own
4. We can raise our hand to ask for permission to talk
5. We can listen attentively to our teachers when he or she give us
instructions
6. We can ensure that we have all our necessary belongings at
school
When the pupils have come to an agreement about one of these skills
that they intend to become good at, the teacher divides the class into
skills teams, or groups of three to four students whose task is to help
and support each other in learning the skill. The teacher explains that
each skill team will need to plan how to support and help each other
along the way, how to praise each other when they perform the skill,
and how they remind each other when they forget the skill.
When the students and the teacher agree that the class has learned
the skill, or made enough progress, the teacher reveals the instruc-
tions for the next phase of the project.
In the second phase of the project each student will choose a per-
sonal skill to become better at. To help the students find a skill to
learn, the teacher presents them with 22 skills of which each student

can pick one they want to work on. The skills are depicted on picture
cards which include the following skills:
1. I can eat neatly

2. I can say ‘sorry’
3. I can help others
4. I can give compliments
5. I can encourage others
6. I can ask for help
7. I can be proud of my accomplishments
8. I can lose in games
9. I can accept that I sometimes fail and make mistakes
10. I can say “no” when needed
11. I can shift from one activity to another
12. I can talk before the class
13. I can listen to others without interrupting them
14. I can stay on task
15. I can wait for my turn
16. I can accept that I cannot always get what I want
17. I can verbally defend myself if someone teases me
18. I can ask nicely if I want something
19. I can thank others
20. I can join others
21. I can move about calmly
22. I can protect others if anyone teases them
The teacher goes through the list of skills with the students, help-
ing them to understand what mastering each of them means in prac-
tice. Once the students are familiar with all the 22 skills, they can
decide for themselves which one they want to pick to become better
at. When the students have made their choice, they are instructed
to make a plan in their skills team about how to help each other to
ensure that everyone learns their skill. The teacher explains that the
plan should include an agreement about how the students will observe
each other’s progress, how they will praise each other, and how they
will remind each other of their skills when needed. The teacher’s duty
is to ensure that the project remains active, and that follow-up takes
place at regular intervals.

When both the students and the teacher agree that the students
have learned their skills – or made enough progress – the pre-
planned celebration takes place. During the celebration the head
teacher presents awards the class with the Skilful Class certificate
and the students are given a chance to tell the audience how they
have managed to develop their skills and, even more importantly,
how they have succeeded in helping and supporting each other
along the way.
Outcome research that has been conducted on The Skilful Class
project in Finland as well as Russia and China, has demonstrated
that the running the project has favourable effects among other
things on class atmosphere, students’ collaboration, and teachers’
work satisfaction.
You can find more information about the Skilful Class project on my
YouTube channel where I have compiled a separate playlist of videos only
about this topic. A package containing the picture cards of all the skills with
detailed instructions of how to conduct the Skilful Class project is available
from the Helsinki Brief Therapy Institute web shop (https://shop.lti.fi)
***
Schools all over the Western world are struggling with many chal-
lenges including students’ increasingly common behaviour prob-
lems, school avoidance, extra demanding caretakers, and teacher
burnout. Replacing conventional means of intervention with the
skills approach can help schools reverse their downward spiral and
generate school cultures that are characterised by respectful col-
laboration, optimism, and creative problem solving.

Photo by Terricks Noah on Unsplash
AFTERWORD
Now that you are familiar with the skills approach, you will probably
have realised that the approach is not a method to be applied slav-
ishly, but a lens that makes you see people in a different light. When
viewing the world through this lens, instead of seeing a multitude of
people with flaws and problems around us, we see people who have
stumbled upon challenges and who are capable of overcoming those
challenges by learning skills with the help and support of other people.
The skills approach does not bow to authority. It does not sub-
scribe to the view that experts know how parents should raise their
children, or what they should do when their child has this or that
problem. All children are different – as are all parents – and therefore
well-meaning expert advice may not fit you or your child.
The skills approach is not a method. It’s rather a smorgasbord. It’s a
compilation of child-friendly and community-oriented tools that help
you to support your child to overcome challenges thereby improving
the quality of life for your child, yourself, and your family.

LINKS AND RESOURCES
My related books
Kids’Skills in Action. A solution-focused method for coaching children

to overcome difficulties. Originally published in 2010 by St Luke’s
Innovative Resources, Bendigo, Australia. Currently available also as an
e-book on Amazon.
Kids’Skills. Playful and practical solution-finding with children. Published
in 2004 by St Luke’s Innovative Resources, Bendigo, Australia. Also
available in e-book format. Download link available on the publisher’s
website.
Never Too Late to Have a Happy Childhood. Originally published in English
in 1998 by Brief Therapy Press, London. The book has also been published
in Finnish, German, French, Swedish, Chinese, Czech and Hebrew.
Kids’Skills Workbook. Helsinki Brief Therapy Institute. Helsinki 2000. A
workbook for children illustrated by the renowned Finnish artist Kai
Kujasalo. Available through Helsinki Brief Therapy Institute web shop
which is reachable via www.brieftherapy.fi
Nigel’s Nightmare. An illustrated story for parents and children about a
boy whose grandmother taught him a cool trick of overcome nightmares.
Available in book form in German, Finnish, and Romanian. The story is
available in English for free in electronic form at www.kidsskills.org.
Dan Did Wrong. An illustrated story for parents and children about a boy
who stole some money from his father and whose parents gave him an
opportunity to take responsibility for his action. The story is available in
English for free in electronic form at www.kidsskills.org.
Linda Tames Her Tiger. An illustrated story for parents and children about
a girl whose grandfather taught her how to overcome her tantrums.
Available in book form in Finnish, German, and Romanian. The story
is available in English for free in electronic form at www.kidsskills.org.

Internet resources
www.kidsskills.org
A website dedicated to the Kids’Skills method and related information.
www.kidsskills.org/bully-eng
Witty Winnie: An app that you can use with your child to help them
learn to respond to verbal bullying with wit and humour.
www.kidsskills.org/ocd-eng
Anxious Andy – Worry Buster App: An app that you can use with your
child to help them overcome imaginary worries.
www.benfurman.com
My own website
www.youtube.com/benfurmantv
My YouTube channel
https://courses.benfurman.com
My online courses platform. Sign up to get free access to my online video
course on solution-focused parenting.
https://www.kidsskillsacademy.com
An online platform offering an extensive video-based training program
that allows students to become certified as a Kids’Skills coach.
Some relevant research articles
Gohier, F. M. A support team’s experience of a solution-focused intervention

with children. Master’s thésis, McGill University, 2006.
Hautakangas, M., Kumpulainen, K., and Uusitalo, L. Children developing
self-regulation skills in a Kids’Skills intervention programme in Finnish
early childhood education and care. Early Child Development and Care
2021; ahead of print, 1–17.
Köhler, D., Kitta, P., Josupeit, C., and Josupeit J. “ich schaff‘s”: Pilot-
Evaluation eines systemisch-integrativen Beratungsprogramms in der
Schulsozialarbeit [A pilot evaluation of a systemic-integrative counselling
program in school social work]. Familiendynamik 2022; 47(1): 32–43.
Links and resources 179

Shuanghong, J. N., and Niemi, H. Teachers support of students’ social-
emotional and self-management skills using a solution-focused skilful-
class method. The European Journal of Social & Behavioural Sciences 2020;
27(1): 3096–3114.
Shuanghong, J. N., Niemi, H., and Furman, B. Supporting children’s
sustainable growth with skills mindset using the solution-focused
Kids’Skills method. Sustainability 2022; 14.
White, M. Pseudo-encopresis: From avalanche to victory, from vicious to
virtuous cycles. Family Systems Medicine 1984; 2(2): 150–160.
Some related approaches of interest
Lawrence Cohen. Playful parenting: An exciting new approach to raising

children that will help you nurture close connections, solve behavior problems,
and encourage confidence. New York: Ballantine books, 2001.
Howard Glasser. Transforming the difficult child: The nurtured heart approach.
Tucson: Nurtured heart Association, 1999.
Haim Omer. Courageous parents: Becoming a good anchor for your children.
Independently published 2021.
Ross Greene. The explosive child. A new approach for understanding and
parenting easily frustrated, chronically inflexible children. New York: Harper,
2021.
Michael White and Alice Morgan. Narrative therapy with children and their
families. Adelaide: Dulwich Centre publications, 2006.
Jane Nelsen. Positive discipline: The classic guide to helping children develop
self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and problem-solving skills. New
York: Ballantine books, 1981.
180 Links and resources

INDEX
addictions, gaming addiction 89–90 habit reversal training 149

anger management 155 hair pulling 114–115
anxiety, separation 138–139 happiness 115–117
apologising 99, 155 hearing disabilities, refusal to use
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder hearing aids 66–67
(ADHD) 94–95 hitting see violence
hoarding 126
bedwetting 157–158 homework 117–118
bipolar disorder 95–96
biting 97–98 interrupting 27–28, 84–86, 119–120
biting nails 69–71, 121–122
bullying 98–101 Joy Has Gone Hiding (JHGH) 109
celebrating progress 57–58 Kids’Skills method 12–13

certificates, as motivators 58
checking, OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive low self-esteem 71–73, 120–121
Disorder) 125
concentration problems 75–77, 82–83, masturbation 137–138
101–103 medication, depression 108–109
confabulation 103–104 meltdowns 77–79, 86–88, 146–149
confidence, building in children 47–49 motivating your child 32–38, 53–58
consulting your child 55–56
criticising children 47 nail biting 69–71, 121–122
cursing 73–75, 104–105 nightmares 122–123
daytime wetting (diurnal enuresis) obedience 123–124

65–66, 155–157; see also toileting Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
defiance 105–108 124–128
depression 108–109 oppositional behaviour 106–107
desired behaviour 22–26 ordering 125–126
diet, unhealthy 152–153 overweight 129–130
disruptive mood dysregulation
disorder 96 paediatric bipolar disorder (PBD) 96
diurnal enuresis (daytime wetting) parents, collaboration with 171–172
65–66, 155–157 PBD (paediatric bipolar disorder) 96
divorce 109–110 perfectionism 130–131
picky eating 131–132; see also selective
encopresis (soiling) 144–146 eating
exceptions approach 26–27 playing with fire 132–133
explaining importance of skills 43–47 pooping in pants 63–65; see also toileting
praising your child 54–55, 137
fears 111–112; of dogs 67–69, 111; of progress, celebrating 56–58
fateful mistakes 126; of germs 125 punishing 133–134
finger sucking 112–114
fire, playing with 132–133 refusal to use hearing aids 66–67
following instructions 25–26 reinforcing your child’s learning 53–58
reminding children 49–53
gaming addiction 89–90 repetition 126
gentle reminding method 52–53 resilience 100

screen time 134–136 Steps of Responsibility 133–134
securing, OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive sticking up for friends 98
Disorder) 125 students, collaboration with 168–171
selective eating 62–65 swearing 73–75, 104–105
selective mutism 136–137
self-control 155 tasting game 131–132
self-esteem, low self-esteem 71–73, temper tantrums 77–79, 86–88,
120–121 146–149
self-stimulation 137–138 tics 149–150
separation anxiety 138–139 toileting 14–16; bedwetting 157–
shouting 139 158; day wetting 65–66; pooping
shoving 97–98 in pants 63–65; see also soiling;
shyness 27–28, 139–140 wetting
sibling rivalry 79–81, 140–142 traumatic experiences 151–152
Skilful Class challenge 172–175
sleeping 142–144 unhealthy diet 152–153
smart comebacks 100–101
Sneaky Poo method 144–146 violence 153–155
social bravery 140
soiling 144–146; see also toileting wetting: bedwetting 157–158; daytime
soiling (encopresis) 144–146 wetting (diurnal enuresis) 155–157
182 Index

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‘Ben Furman has done it again – created a step-by-step guide

through the tougher regions of effective parenting. The concept is

Chris Iveson, co-founder of BRIEF

Heli Mustonen, freelance journalist,

Dr Ben Furman is a renowned Finnish psychiatrist, author, and teacher of

CHAPTER 1. The rhyme stone tale................................................. 3

CHAPTER 2. What is the skills approach?................................... 11

CHAPTER 3. How to convert challenges into skills to learn........ 19

CHAPTER 4. How to motivate children to learn skills................ 31

CHAPTER 6. Examples: The skills approach in action................. 61

CHAPTER 7. Children’s challenges from A to Z............................ 93

CHAPTER 8. Things to keep in mind...........................................161

CHAPTER 9. Skills approach in schools......................................167

Links and resources................................................................. 178

I wish to acknowledge my long-time colleague Tapani with whom

THE RHYME STONE TALE

4 The solution-focused parent﻿﻿

Since the beginning of time

If your aim is problems to eliminate,

﻿﻿The rhyme stone tale 5

“With this rhyme, the wizard wants to tell us that we need to

6 The solution-focused parent﻿﻿

For wanting a skill to learn

Give your skill a name,

No matter how easy it may seem,

Before long you’ll be sure to stumble

With the help of your team

Weeks will roll and days will pass,

﻿﻿The rhyme stone tale 7

“The wizard’s rhyme is an answer to our question. It offers us direc-

As the villagers started to follow the directions embedded in the wizard’s

8 The solution-focused parent﻿﻿

WHAT IS THE SKILLS

Children don’t have problems,

The skills approach emerged in the 90s in a kindergarten in Helsinki,

1 The origins of the skills approach

12 The solution-focused parent﻿﻿

Jasmin, 6-year-old girl

﻿﻿What is the skills approach? 13

14 The solution-focused parent﻿﻿

﻿﻿What is the skills approach? 15

Children participate actively,

others support them.

The manner in which Emma partnered with Jasmin’s parents to

16 The solution-focused parent﻿﻿

The word ‘skill’ means that the child can handle

a given challenging situation in the desired manner.

Converting challenges into skills

A prerequisite of skills thinking is converting children’s problems into

20 The solution-focused parent﻿﻿

A better way to handle a

When I help parents convert their child’s challenge into a skill, I

﻿﻿How to convert challenges into skills to learn 21

A skill describes desired behaviour

An important thing to keep in mind when we talk about skills is

22 The solution-focused parent﻿﻿

Sometimes when I have given talks to parents about the skills

“Did you know that there is a filter in children’s auditive nerve,

﻿﻿How to convert challenges into skills to learn 23

4 The solution-focused parent

The rhyme stone tale 5

6 The solution-focused parent

The rhyme stone tale 7

8 The solution-focused parent

1 The origins of the skills approach

12 The solution-focused parent

What is the skills approach? 13

14 The solution-focused parent

What is the skills approach? 15

16 The solution-focused parent

20 The solution-focused parent

How to convert challenges into skills to learn 21

22 The solution-focused parent

How to convert challenges into skills to learn 23

24 The solution-focused parent

How to convert challenges into skills to learn 25

26 The solution-focused parent

How to convert challenges into skills to learn 27

28 The solution-focused parent

How to convert challenges into skills to learn 29

1. Start by talking with your child about

2. Use “we” instead of “I” messages

32 The solution-focused parent

3. Find out what skill your

4. Discuss the benefits of learning

How to motivate children to learn skills 33

5. Join your child in learning new skills

6. Reinforce your child’s self-confidence

34 The solution-focused parent

8. Ask your child to give a name to the skill

9. Ask your child to appoint supporters

How to motivate children to learn skills 35

10. Encourage your child to have

11. Plan to celebrate learning the skill

12. Help your child come up with a

36 The solution-focused parent

13. Discover diverse ways to

14. Find a way to remind your

How to motivate children to learn skills 37

15. Offer your child an opportunity

38 The solution-focused parent

42 The solution-focused parent

44 The solution-focused parent

How to use the skills approach in day-to-day parenting 45

46 The solution-focused parent

How to use the skills approach in day-to-day parenting 47

48 The solution-focused parent

How to use the skills approach in day-to-day parenting 49

50 The solution-focused parent

How to use the skills approach in day-to-day parenting 51

52 The solution-focused parent