Ivy Rodgers

Mrs. Wold

ERWC Period 1

6 January 2024

Scholarship Essay

Rubric

After completing your Scholarship Essay Assignment, highlight in yellow what you believe you earned on

your Scholarship essay on the rubric below.

6 5 4 3 2 1
W 11-12.4 A little Reflection is thoughtful and The student reflects on The student Attempt No
Produce clear and more reveals the author has his/her essay and how reflect on the to reflect evidence
coherent writing successful reflected on specific aspects he/she revised. The changes he/she
in which the than a 5 of the essay and how to student shares some of made but the
development, revise. The writer seems the specific techniques reflection might
organization, and genuinely engaged in the and changes he/she made be more
style are process of reflecting and but could go into more surface-level or
appropriate to revising by writing about detail. to just “get it
task, purpose, and the changes she/he has over with”
audience. made.

W 11-12.5 A little Develop and strengthen Develop and strengthen Develop writing Attempt No
Develop and more writing multiple times as writing as needed by by revision or to revise evidence
strengthen writing successful needed by planning, planning, revising, planning.
as needed by than a 5 revising, editing, rewriting, editing, rewriting, or
planning, or trying a trying a new approach,
revising, editing, new approach, focusing on focusing on addressing
rewriting, or addressing what is most what is most significant
trying a new significant for a for a specific purpose and
approach, specific purpose and audience.
focusing on audience.
addressing what
is most
significant for a
specific purpose
and audience.
 Original Essay

Write the essay’s prompt (recreate to the best of your ability) here:

Is technology a hindrance or benefit to society?

To the best of your knowledge, what scores did you earn on this essay? If you can’t

remember the scores, what were some of the things you struggled with in this essay?

What needs to be improved?

I struggled with the commentary as it did not explain the evidence very well. The

commentary needs to be improved and it needs to sound more professional.

[Put your original, unrevised essay here. It can be typed or pictures of your handwritten

work]

Technology is a hindrance to society because it causes sleep deprivation and lowers teens

self esteem.

Students tend to scroll through social media before they go to bed at night. Smartphones

are made with a light called a blue light, which has a “strong ability to disrupt sleep”(Twenge).

Using a smartphone at night with the bluelight can cause students to get little to no sleep. When

students are trying to do their schoolwork with the lack of sleep, it can cause stress and even lead

to depression. If students get depression in their adolescence, they can “become depressed again

later in life”(Twenge). Getting depression this early in life can hurt their life in the future. This

can be a lifelong fight and people should try to prevent it any way they can such as avoiding their

smartphone before bed. Staying away from electronic devices before bed would help society.
 Many teens spend their free time scrolling through social media. A study linked “social

media with lower self-esteem and higher levels of anxiety”(Scholastic). Free-time is meant to be

enjoyed. Scrolling through hateful posts and comments causes teens to not enjoy themselves and

lowers their self esteem. When posting on social media people often like to hide behind a

“mask”(Scholastic). When people have something to hide behind, they often say things that they

would not normally say in person. Social media is a world full of judgment. Teens are often

scared to post, questioning if it will cause them to be cyber bullied. Staying away from social

media can lift teens' self-esteem rather than lower it.

Some believe otherwise, that technology benefits society. They state that it brings

everyone “closer to each other”(Scholastic). Social media has the power to bring people from all

around the world together. Though this is a valid point, people need to socialize in person.

Staying at home all day socializing through a screen can become very unhealthy both physically

and mentally. Creating this route is very unsafe for future generations to come

Revised Essay

Type your revised essay in this section. Make sure to highlight in yellow the changes you made

from the original. These should be significant, meaningful changes, not just changes to grammar.

In this digital age, technology has become part of our daily lives. Although it offers

numerous benefits, it is important to recognize the damaging effects it has. Technology is shown

to be a hindrance to society due to the sleep deprivation and long-lasting mental health impacts.

It is very common in teens to scroll through their phone or watch television before they

go to sleep at night. These devices contain a blue light which is shown to have a “strong ability
to disrupt sleep” (Twenge). Due to this nightly habit in many teens, it is very easy to lose sleep.

The lack of sleep has caused students to suffer from sleep deprivation, which has a variety of

negative effects. Sleep deprivation can lead teens to be very mentally unhealthy, causing stress

which is a leading cause to depression. Inheriting depression in adolescence, makes it much

easier to “become depressed again later in life”(Twenge). One small habit before bed will create

a lifelong battle with their mental health. Technology has made it very easy for teens to create

permanent damage to their future. By simply stopping the use of technology before bed, students

can prevent lifelong damage to their mental health.

Many teens spend their free time scrolling through the endless rabbit hole of social

media. Some choose to express themselves through posts, often concealing their true identity

behind a metaphorical “mask”, allowing the user to create a version of themselves they may be

hesitant to show face to face (Scholastic). This allows them to engage in negative behaviors

without the worry of receiving any consequences for their actions. With the essentially effortless

creation of these accounts, more people are confident in spreading negative comments and posts

towards one another. These critical comments can completely damage the perception of oneself,

with studies even linking “social media with lower self-esteem and higher levels of anxiety”

(Scholastic). This demonstrates the real-life consequence that society is facing due to the endless

hatred spread. Spending too much time a mentally draining environment full of hatred can and

will hurt the future of our society and how those view themselves.

While some may argue that social media brings us closer together as a whole, it is

important to recognize the importance of in-person socialization. Despite the ability to

communicate globally, reliance on virtual interactions only has terrible effects on one's mental
and physical health. Stepping away from social media will result in a safer and healthier society

for future generations to come.

It is crucial to address the negative impacts technology has on an individual's sleep and

mental health. By raising awareness of the dangers of digital and social media use, society can

be healed as a whole by protecting the health of everyone’s mental and physical state.

Reflection

1st Paragraph: Write a paragraph explaining specifically what you revised in your essay and

why. Go into thoughtful details! How did these choices improve your essay? What skills do

you now have that you were able to use to help enhance your essay?

I revised the commentary on all body paragraphs of my essay. In the original, the commentary

was short and repeated itself. I improved it by creating more ideas and details towards my

argument. I now have the skills to better understand how to write an argumentative essay, even

using more professional grammar.

2nd Paragraph: Write a paragraph explaining how you’ve improved as a writer since your

freshman year: What did you struggle with before? What are you proud that you can do now?

I have heavily improved as a writer since my freshman year. I have improved my writing by

making it more in depth and readable. I struggled to make commentary on the evidence,

where I used to just rewrite the quote rather than explain and go in depth about the evidence. I

am proud I can now integrate and thoroughly explain my evidence while making it sound

readable.