Newspaper
Newspaper
Newspaper
18 JUN 2021
Yet again the global demand for Granny wins ican man retired from exhaustion.
moose will be met largely by the The next seven matches were barely
US and Canada. The recession-hit World Wrestling a contest as the news of Johnson’s
States is taking comfort in its moose supremacy overawed all her oppo-
growth figures with gross production Championship nents who became too indimidated to
expected to break 700,000 and net ex- fight properly.
By ROY MCROYSTON
ports to grow by 2%. The worldwide
Nigerian Tommy Thompson is
dominance of Canada shows no signs
also a relative newcomer to the
of abating though with this year’s
wrestling scene, but with his 210lb
moose population expected to match Records were smashed in
frame he was expected to fare well
last year’s record figures of one hun- Nicaragua’s World Wrestling Cham-
against Johnson who weighs in at
dred million billion. pionship last night as 78-year-old
only 90lb. However Johnson’s lithe
Europe’s rise as an international Maud Johnson, grandmother of five, and slender, some would say scrawny,
moose power will slow slightly this became the first woman for fifty-six figure belies her agility and strength
year as a response to the European years, and the oldest competitor ever, which she demonstrated by holding
Union’s move towards standardising to claim the gold medal. She walked Thompson above her head several
the European moose. Stringent qual- away with her million dollar share of times during the bout and throwing
ity controls are holding back the de- the prize money, runner up Tommy him into the crowd once. With the
velopment of the eastern european Thompson from Nigeria taking half a scores tied at 2-2 time ran out and the
populations compared to last year million, and third place New Zealan- contest went to a panel of judges to be
when they contributed significantly der John Smith receiving a warm assessed. They awarded Thompson a
to europe’s strong growth figures. handshake from the umpire. C grade whilst Johnson received an
Norway, which is not an EU member Having started the tournament a
A, becoming the first grandmother to
but has observer status, strengthed rank outsider she began to impress
ever win the title.
in numbers relative to the Euro area in her second match when she took
with numbers of Norweigian moose, US number three Ron Ronson by sur- The new champion explained her
known locally as elk’’ expected to rise prise and subdued him in twenty sec- success as the result of a strict train-
for the tenth consecutive year, partic- onds with her unique move that has ing regimen instituted by her coach
ularly thanks to a strong showing in been dubbed "Maud’s Death Grip". and grandson five-year-old Sammy
the last quarter. The injection of a new wrestling style Johnson. "I’ve been drinking ten
into the tournament was welcomed raw eggs for breakfast every morning,
As moose season reaches its close, by spectators and Johnson’s pre- and sprinting fifty miles a day and carry-
researchers world wide are turning to post-match breakdances have proved ing my daughter’s car to the end of
science in an attempt to boost next entertaining to fans. However, she the road and back whenever I felt my
year’s figures. NASA stunned the was still not expected to win in arthritis was OK" she said. Sammy
scientific community today with the round three last Wednesday, facing added "I always knew she could do
announcment of their discovery that off against title-holder Paulo "Spine- it. She’s my grandma.". The young-
the moon is significantly smaller than Snapper" Lutti, of Vatican City. Un- ster is also her manager and has re-
previously believed. This conclusion, derdog Johnson was soon showing her portedly arranged sponsorship deals
which is the conclusion of a ten- worth with stamina and agility easily which will dwarf her one million dol-
year collaborative project, will have matching last year’s winner. Lutti’s lar prize fund. Her new contract with
profound implications for the moose experience paid off initially as he took headband designer Nike alone is set
community as the gravitational field the first two rounds, but as John- to earn her fourteen billion dollars
is now known to be of the right son became more confident her su- over the next year. She will also be
strength to support moose in orbit. perior strength came to the fore and promoting Tupperware, Halliburton,
According to John Johnson, head she clawed back two rounds to take the Republic of Macedonia, and Gala
of the NASA Moon Sizing Experi- the contest into a decider. By this Bingo. Her continued participation in
ment the first delivery of moose into time Lutti’s body language indicated the sport is not assured as she wants
low moon orbit could be achieved as that he already felt overawed by the to spend more time on her bungee-
early as the third quarter of next year. pretender to his crown, and the new- jumping business, and knitting. Ev-
The technology to nurture moose in comer took advantage of this to en- eryone here at the World Champi-
space is available now’’, he said, ’’all gage a mutual headlock which she onships, however, hopes for her re-
that is needed is political will’’. held for three hours until the Vat- turn.