.. . .

-- -\
I
I
.

I
I
BOYS' LIFE '
A COMEDY
I
BY HOWARD KORDER

,
J
I

I
""
I

.
~

II * I ~~
I

- -·

,, I

I
'

i,
0Nf AC7 DRAMATISTS
* 1-1

f PLAY SERVICE
INC.

l
 '5)P5
DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC.

ESTABLISHED BY MEMBERS OF THE

THEATRE ALBERTA LIBRARY
DRAMATISTS GUILD 3rd Floor, Percy Page Centre
OF THE AUTHORS LEAGUE OF AMERICA
11759 Groat Road
for the
Edmonton, AB T5M 3K6
HANDLING OF THE ACTING RIGHTS OF MEMBERS' PLAYS

"""
THE ENCOURAGEMENT OF THE AMERICAN THEATRE

1
I
440 P.ukA\'Cllue South, New York. NY 10016
www.dramatists.com I
BOYS' LIFE
A COMEDY
BY HOWARD KORDER

*
DRAMATISTS
PIAY SERVICE
INC.
 BOYS' LIFE
Copyright © 1988, Howard !Corder

All Rights Reserved

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned rhac performance of BOYS' LIFE
is subject to payment of a royalcy. le is fully procected under che copyrighc laws of che United
Scares of America, and of all counrries covered by che Inrernacional Copyright U nion For Lois
(including che Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth). and of all
countries covered by che Pan-American Copyright Convenrion, the Universal Copyright
Convenrion, the Berne Convenrion, and of all counrries wich which the United Scares has
reciprocal copyright relacions. All righcs, including without limicarion professional/amaceur
srage righcs, morion picture, recirarion, lecturing. public reading. radio broadcasting.
television, video or sound recording. all ocher forms of mechanical, electronic and digital BOYS' LIFE was presented by Lincoln Center Theater (Gregory
reproduction, transmission and distribution, such as CD, DVD, the Incernet, privace and
file-sharing networks, information storage and retrieval systems, photocopying. and the Mosher, Director; Bernard Gersten, Executive ~roducer). at the
rights of translarion inro fo reign languages are strictly reserved. Parricular emphasis is placed Mitzi E. Newhouse theater in New York City, opem?g on
upon rhe marter of readings, permission for which must be secured from the Author's agent
in writing.
February 29, 1988. The Atlantic Theater Company was directed
by W. H. Macy; the sets were by James Wolk; the costu~es were
The English language stock and amateur stage performance righcs in the Unired States, ics by Donna Zakowska; the lightin~ ~as by ~teve Lawmck; the
cerricories, possessions and Canada for BOYS' LIFE are controlled exclusively by
DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC., 440 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016.
sound was by Aural Fixation; the ongmal music was c~mposed by
No professional or nonprofessional performance of the Play may be given wichouc obcaining David Yazbek; the production manager was Jeff Hamlm; the gen:-
in advance che wrirren permission of DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC., and paying eral manager was Steve C. Callahan; the general press agent was
the requisite fee.
Merle Debuskey; and the production stage manager was Thomas
Inquiries concerning all other righcs should be addressed co William Morris Agency, LLC, A. Kelly. The cast, in order of appearance, was as follows:
1325 Avenue of che Americas, 15ch Floor, New York, NY l 0019. Artn: Jack Tancleff.

SPECIAL NOTE
DON .............................................................. .......... JordardLa~e
Anyone receiving permission co produce BOYS' LIFE is required co give credit to the Author PHIL ................................................................ Steven Go stein
as sole and exclusive Author of the Play on the ticle page of all programs discribuced in JACK ............................................. .......................... Clark Gregg
connection with performances of the Play and in all insrances in which che ride of the Play
appears for purposes of adverrising. publicizing or otherwise exploiting che Play and/or a
KAREN ............................................................... Mary M~an~
production thereof. The name of the Aurhor must appear on a separate line, in which no MAN ·····································································:· !odd ffiee
other name appears, immediately beneath the ride and in size of cype equal co 50% of the MAGGIE ......................................................... Fehc1ty Hu man
LISA .. .............................................. .................... Me!issa ~~~der
siu of the largest, mosc prominent letter used for the tide of the Play. No person, firm or
entity may receive credit larger or more prominent than char accorded che Auchor.
GIRL .................................................................. Robin Sp1e :rg
SPECIAL NOTE ON SONGS AND RECORDINGS CARLA ........................................................ .. ......... Theo Co an
For performances of copyrighted songs, arrangemencs or recordings mentioned in this Play,
the permission of the copyright owner(s) must be obcained. Other songs, arrangemencs or
recordings may be subscituced provided permission from the copyright owner(s) of such
songs, arrangemencs or recordings is obcained; or songs, arrangemencs or recordings in the
public domain may be subsciruted.

SPECIAL NOTE ON ORIGINAL MUSIC

A CD with cue sheer concaining the original music composed by David Yazbck for the New
York production of this play is available through the Play Service for $28.00, plus shipping.
The nonprofessional fee for the use of chis mlllic is $ 10.00 per performance.
3
 CHARACTERS

JACK
DON
PHIL
AMAN
LISA BOYS' LIFE
MAGGIE
KAREN SCENE I
GIRL
CARLA Don's bedroom. Jack smoking a joint. Phil lying on the
floor, wearing a set of headphones. Don sitting in his
All in their late twenties. underwem: Bottles, clothes, books scattered on the floor. 1
A .M.

PLACE JAC K. Remember the nineteen-seventies?

DON . Sure. Sort of.
A large city. JACK. Name three things that happened in the nineteen-
seventies.
DON . This is like a trick question, right?
JAC K. I'll give yo u one minute.
TIME PHIL. (Loudly, tapping phones.) I haven't heard this since
college, you know?
The present. JACK. (Smiling and noddi11g. ) Eat me, Phil.
Various intervals over the course of a year. PHIL. (Not hearing.) Okay!
JAC K. Give up?
DON. T hat wasn't a minute.
JACK. Let's go.
PHIL. Great bass line.
DON . Um .. .
JACK. Do it!
DON . Um ... Watergate? And ... uh . . . (Pause.) The
Sex Pistols .. . and ... uh . . . ( Pause.) Did I say Watergate?
JAC K. I rest my case.
DON. Ah .. . giant leap for a man?
JAC K. Oh, hang it up, Don.
DON . Did I say Watergate?
JAC K. Yo u're losing it, Don. Yo ur m ind is going.
DON. The nineteen-seventies.
JAC K. Yo u're rotting on the vine.
PHIL. (Imitating an electric guitar.) War-raaang! ( Pause.)
JAC K. Well, I'm having fun .
4
5
 DON. Me too.
JACK . I know you are. We live in thrilling days, Don. JACK. Well, no sense in blaming them for it now.
DON. We do. DON . It's a dead issue. .
JACK. And I think that's swell. JACK. It's all said and done. Cause when you come right
DON. I do too. down to it ...
JACK. I know you do. You're an agreeable guy. And I've PHIL. I love this part ...
been meaning to tell you this, really, if someone came up to JACK. A man . ..
me and asked, "Now this Don fellow, what's he all about?" DON. Is a man.
I'd have to tell him, well, darn it, Don, Don 's an agreeable JACK. He is a man.
guy. DON. By any other name.
DON. I'd go along with that. JACK. He'd still smell.
JACK. Would you go along with a toast? DON. Amen.
DON. (Picking up a beer. ) By all means. JACK. Goddamn .
JACK. To you, Don, for being the postmodern kind of nut DON. Goddamn shit.
you are. JACK. Cock.sucking shit. L
DON. Thanks, Jack. DON. Goddamn shiteating asshole scumbags! (jack brea~
JACK. To Phil, a great guy in spite of some desperate out into a wolf howl. Don joins .in. Pause. ) You know, you d
handicaps. never have this kind of talk with a woman.
PHIL. (Not hearing.) Okay! JACK. No, you wouldn't. And I want you. al~ay~ to re-
JACK. And to me, for being perfect. member this, Don. When you're old and p1ssu:1g 111 your
DON. Not easy. daybed, remember who brought you out of the Jungle and
JACK. And Don, to our times together. From campus cut- shaved off your fur. . .
ups to wasted potentials. DON. (In a zombie-like monotone. ) It was you master. You
DON. It feels like years. teach Don to walk like man. . .
JACK. It has been years. JACK And you better be grateful. (He drags on the ;omt.)
DON. We are getting old. Here.· Finish that off. Come on, come on. (He passes the ;omt
JACK. To our parents, Don. To the dream they called to Don. Don takes a hit. Silence. He smiles.) What are you
America. To the Big Kidder upstairs. To, ah . .. smiling about?
PHIL. (Imitating drums.) Da-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum .. . DON. Nah, I was just thinking.
DON. The ladies!
JACK. Uh-huh. k '
JACK. Don, a toast, a very special toast, to the ladies. DON. I used to really want to be an a~trona~t , you now.
DON. Oh my. Be up there. T he quiet. Walter Cronkite talkm.g about me
JACK. Yes indeed. Where would we be without them? to millions of people. But I wouldn 't have to listen.
DON. We'd be nowhere. JACK. So ?
JACK. We wouldn't be here. DON . So I'd still like to be an astronaut. .
DON. We wouldn't even exist. JACK. Maybe you will be, Don. But even if ~ou were .. .
JACK. We would not. ou'd still have to get out of bed in the mornmg.
DON. It's a sobering thought. bON. (Thinking it over. ) Yeah. (Pause. Phil takes off the
JACK. It's food for thought. headphones.) h
DON. It's a thought to think. (Pause. ) PHIL. Emerson, Lake , and Palmer, man, whatever ap-
pened to them ?
6
7
JACK. They al.I died horribly, Phil, in a bus crash. PHIL. Well, I don't want anything. I just wanted to ... say
PHIL. They did? That's really depressing. hello.
JACK. I thoug~t it might be. (Pause. ) Well, gentlemen. KAREN. Hello.
Anybody have a good fuck lately? PHIL. Yes, well. (Pause. ) That's lovely, what you have on,
PHIL. Does masturbation count? (Blackout. ) what is it?
KAREN. A dress.
PHIL. I've always admired your sense of humor, Karen.
S CENE 2 KAREN. What do you want, Phil? ( The door opens and a man
pops his head in. )
A child's bedroom. Phil and Karen standing at opposite MAN. Oh. I'm sorry.
ends of the room, facing e°'!h o~her. The bed is piled with KAREN . We're almost done.
coals. Sounds of a party filler zn from outside. MAN . Oh . Well. Fine. I'll, ah ... fine. (He exits, closing the
door.)
PHIL. Well , there you are. PHIL. What was that all about?
KAREN. Yes. KAREN. What?
PHIL. And here I am. PHIL. That. That guy.
KAREN. Yes. KAREN . I don't know.
PHIL. So here we are, both of us. Together. PHIL. Well, you seemed pretty familiar with him .
KAREN. Talking. KAREN . Are you feeling okay?
PHIL. Right here in the same room. PHIL. Hmm? Oh , sure. Things are going really really great
KAREN. It's pretty amazing. (Pause. ) Enjoying the party' for me right now. Just fine. I have my own partition no~,
PHIL. Oh, yes. Certainly. Yes yes yes. · over at the office, they put up one of those, ah ; .. so th.at s
KAREN. Mmmm. really good. And I'm going to the spa a lot, Im working
PHIL. No. ou-well, I can't use the machines cause you know of my
KAREN. Oh. back, but I love the Jacuzzi, so. actually. it's strange, cause I
PHIL. Not in the larger sense. fell asleep in it, in the whirlpool, and when I woke up I had
KAREN. Why did you come? this incredible headache, I mean it would not go away, I felt
PHIL. I was invited. I mean ... Jack invited me. this thing here like the size of a peach !?it, l w~nt for a blood
KAREN. And you do everything Jack says. test, l was convinced l , you hear all this stuff now, the way
PHIL. No, I ... he's my friend. My oldest friend. (Pause. ) it's spreading. I mean I'm not- but I was sure I had it.
You look great tonight, Karen. KAREN. Had what?
KAREN. Thanks. PHIL. It. You know. (Pause.)
PHIL. No, I mean it. Just wonderful. (Pause.) KAREN. And?
KAREN. You look good. PHIL. I didn't. So. ( Pause. Karen looks at the door.) Anyway.
PHIL. No. it's funny we both happened to tu rn up h~re 1onight, isn't
KAREN. You do. it, cause I was just thinking, I was wondering . . . I mean ,
PHIL. No I don't. it's a couple of months since I last spoke to_YOU and I was
KAREN . Really, you do. just wondering if we were still, you know, seeing each other.
PHIL. Do I ? KAREN . Seeing each other.
KAREN. What do you want, Phil? PHIL. Yes.
8 9
 KAREN. No . ( Pause.)
PHIL. It's not?
PHIL. All right. KARE N. N o. No t at a ll . ( Pause.) You're to uching m y
KAREN. We were never seeing each other, Phil. breasts, Phil. ( The man pops his head through the door. )
PH IL. We ll, no, not actually seeing ... MAN . Oh gosh. Beg pardon . ( /-Ie shuts the door.)
KAREN. We sle pt togeth er once. PHIL. I think about you a lot, Karen .
PHIL. Twice.
KAREN. You do.
KAREN. You le ft before I woke up. PHIL. Yes. At work, you know, the laund romat, in the
PHIL. O kay, Yeah , bu t ... I mean , everybody does that.
I KAREN. And you never called .
showe r . .. places like that . ( Pa-use. ) I mean that in the
positive sense.
PHIL. Now .. . now about that, you see, I was in volved in a KAREN . I'm not worth the trouble.
ver~ .bad kind of situation the n, a nd I wasn't really in a
I pos1t10n to, ah ... as much as I wantfd to ... a nd I did, very,
PHIL I t's just two d ays o ut o f your life , Ka re n. This could
1urn out to be some thing really specia l, it'll be ove r before
ve r y-
KAREN. What do you wa nt? you know it.
KAREN . You 're ma king this ver y difficult.
PH IL. ( Pause. ) Well, I'd like another shot at it. PHIL. I'm ma king it incredibly easy. Come up to the coun-
KAREN. At what?
1ry with me.
PHIL. At you. To get to know you.
KAREN. Phil-
KAREN. I'm really not worth the effort, Phil.
PHIL. Come.
PHI L. You're seeing someon e else, right?
KAREN . Please, Phil-
KAREN. T hat's got nothing to-
PH IL. I'm askin g for a chance.
PHIL. You are seeing someone. KAREN . O h , no. Oh no. T his is coming at a ve ry bad time
KARE N. Not actua lly seeing . .. for me. I d on't thin k I can ha ndle this right now. My life is a
PHIL. No, no, it's fine. Ea rly bird a nd a ll that stuff. I'm real big mess, okay, and ... I read that by the time you're
fine. Ever ything is fine. five yo u've a lread y developed the major patte rns fo r the
KA REN: It's got nothing to do with yo u , Phil. There's just a rest of your life. I mean whether you 're going to be basi-
lot o f thmgs I have to work through right now. But ·1 like cally happy or . .. a fire man , a les bian , whatever. And o f
you , I do. You're ... yo u're a wo nderful person . course it's not fair at all, because nobod y te lls a little kid
PHIL. Yo u're a wonderful pe rson too, Ka ren. anything about that. But that's the way it is. So I've been
KAR EN. Well, so are you , Phil. thinking about this. And it occu rs to me that somewhere
PI:JIL. T hat's rig ht. We both are. ( H e hugs Karen. ) Listen to alon g the line I screwed u p really bad. I mad e a ver y poor
~h1s .. A guy m my office has a cabin upstate. He n ever uses choice about something a nd now the re's nothing I can do to
it. It s on the e?ge of a beautiful freshwater lake. Wh y d o n't
cha nge it.
we go there, JUSt the t.wo of us, we spend the weeke nd,
PHIL. I think I love yo u.
relax, get out o f the city . . . do some straight thin king. KAREN. You haven't even been listening.
Wh at do you say? PHIL. Of cou rse I h ave. You we re talking about your
KA REN. No. childhood , ri ght ? I love you .
PHIL~ ls it beca~1 se o f this guy you're seeing?
I! KA REN. Well , I m not actuall y seeing-
KAREN. No, Phil. I'm really very l1attered -
PH IL. I'm not sayin g it to Clatter you , Karen . We' re not
I PH l L. T he n what is it ? ' talking abo ut your drapes. We're talking abo ut th is ve ry
KA REN . It's j ust not a good idea. real a nd unden iable feeling I h ave fo r you . So you're not
10 11
 happy. I think I can sense that from what you just told me. PHIL. If you want to, just say yes. Don't worry about the
But nobody's happy. That's the way things are supposed to be.
You think I'm happy? I'm not happy, I'm miserable. rest.
KAREN. I am too. KAREN. I can't.
PHIL. Then just say maybe. , .
PHIL. I know you are. That's why I feel so close to you. KAREN. If I say maybe, you'll think Im saymg yes.
Karen? I can make you happy. And you can make me happy. PHIL. I won't. I promise. I'm very clear on may~e. (Pause. )
We can help each other. Please, Karen. Give me a crumb. T~row me a lme.
KAREN . You just said that nobody is happy. KAREN . Oh, let me think about 1t, I have to . .. okay.
PHIL. I didn't mean that. I feel so crazy when I'm with you Maybe. I'd like to-I don't know, maybe. ,
I don't know what I'm saying. I love you. PHIL. Maybe. Maybe. Thank you, Karen. Yo~ won, t be
KAREN. No- please- sorry. I'm crazy about you . You know that, don t you.
PH IL. I love you. I'm sick with needing you. It's an actual KAREN. I'm not worth it, Phil. Really: .
disease. I'm all swollen and rotten inside, my brain is de- PHIL. This is the happiest day of my hfe. (He kisses her and
composing, and it's because of you. eases her down onto the bed. He climbs on top of her and starts to
KAREN . What's wrong with you, Phil?
raress her. The man enters. ) .
PHIL. I'm dying without you , Karen . I'm serious. Has MAN. Look, I'm very sorry about this, but I need my coat.
anyone ever told yo u anything like that? Ever? ( Karen breaks away and sits on the edge of the bed. ) Sorry.
KAREN . No. Never. KAREN . That's all right. We're done.
PHIL. Because no one has ever loved yo u as much as I do.
J esus, Karen, help me! (The man pops his head through the MAN. Are you? , b k h
PHIL. (Rising from the bed. ) Come on. Lets get ac tot e
door. )
MAN. Excuse me ... party.
KAREN. No, you go ahead.
PHIL. What? What do you want? PHIL. You're not coming?
MA . Well ... my coat ...
KAREN . In a minute. . :>
PHIL. In a minute. PHIL. (Moving toward her.) Is ev~rythmg okay. .
MAN. I've been waiting- KAREN. Yes, yes, it's really-Phil, no please, please, JUSL
PHIL. GO AWAY ! (The man shuts the door. ) I love you. sta away-( To the man. ) Look, I'm sorry, I-( Turning
KAREN . For how long? aw!y. ) Oh God I hate myself so much! (She runs out of the
PHIL. Until I'm in my grave. Longer. Forever.
KAREN. No, I mean .. . how lo ng would we have to be
away for?
;~~~- (Following her. ) Karen, wa.it a-( She slams the door.)
Shit. Shit shit shit! (He leans against the door. Silence.)
PHIL. As long as you want. We don't even have to come MAN. Interesting girl, isn't she? In her way?
back.
PHIL. Huh?
KAREN . I was thinking just the weekend. MAN . Personality-wise.
PHIL. Yes, yes, the weekend. A day. An hour. A single PHIL. How would you know?
second. MAN . She was sort of my date.
KAREN . I have pasta class Monday nights.
PHIL. Great. Fabulo us. (Pause.) PH IL. Oh. H. h
MAN . But I don't think it's gonna work out. ig -strung,
KAREN . I wish I could , Phil. It's not that I don't want to you know? I got better things to do. (Pause.)
PHIL. We're in love.
12 13
 ,/11.sely.
) Ah yes. "Question Authority."
MAN. You and her?
PHIL. Yes. MAGGIE. That's what it says. .
MAN. Congratulations. !AC K. You know-excuse ~e-t~at's a bad place . tor . a
1111 1wn. It can restrict your C1rculauon, should I take Jt off?
PHIL. Thanks. (Pause. )
MAN. You want to reimburse me for cab fare or what? MAGGIE. Where'd you get that? . ,
(Blackout) !ACK. I beg your pardon, b~t I did_n't "get 1t" a nywhere. Its
~omething I h ave to know m my lme of work.
MAGGIE. And what might that be?
SCENE 3 !ACK. I'm a cardiologist. (Pause. )
MAGGIE. Please go away.
Lights up on Jr::ck an:d Maggie sitting on a bench opposite !ACK. Pardon? c . ('
MAGGIE. You heard me . I'm not in the mood ior 1t. ,o
a playr;round zn a city park. jack smokes a joint. Maggie,
wheezing heavily, wears a motley exercise suit with race hother somebody else. (Pause. Jack looks at her and turns
number tied around her chest below a small pin-on but- away. Silence. Suddenly he leaps up. ) , ,1
ton. She has a pair of headphones in her ears. !AC K. (Out.) HEY, JASON! YO! OFF THE ~WIN(,S. · · ·
YEAH , THAT'S RIGHT! (Pause:) ~LL COME ~)VE~
MAGGIE. Oh God. Oh God. THERE! I'LL COME OVER THERE! \'.OU _WAN~ M_F.
TO COME O-( Pause. He sits.) Kid's lookmg for a bnck m
J~CK. Been doing some running, huh? (Pause. Maggie pays
him no att~ntwn.) Hey. ( M_aggie turns to him.) Out doing the head.
some running, huh? (Maggie taps her headphones, smiles curtly, MAGGIE. Cute.
and turns away.) Excuse me. (He taps her shoulder.) !ACK. Yah.
MAGGIE. What? 'MAGGIE. How old?
JACK. I'm talking to you. !ACK. I dunno ... five , six maybe. . . )
MAGGIE. Yes? 'MAGGIE. You don't know how old your kid is.
JACK. Asked you a question ? .JACK. Hey. He's ~ot mine.
MAGGIE. What? MAGGIE. Sorry, it-
JACK. What's it for? .JAC K. What do I look like? Come on.
MAGGIE. Huh? MAGGIE. Okay. . d'
JACK. The race. JACK. I wouldn't h ave a kid like that. Give me some ere Jt .
MAGGIE. We're jogging against apartheid. 'c Pause. ) He's my ward.
JACK. Really. MAGGIE. Your ward.
MAGGIE. No. Of course not. JACK. Well, I'm more like his tutor.
J~CK. Oh. (Pause.) Interesting people, the Boers, you ·MAGGIE. What do you teach him? . . ,
thmk? JACK. What do I teach him? I teach hun about life. Don t
MAGGIE. I wouldn't know. (Pause. Maggie coughs violently.) ·play with matches . .. write d own phone messages . ...th<!l
JACK. Something wrong? kind of thing. (Pause.) Ah, sorry I bothered you . I d1dn l
MAGGIE. I'm going Lo die. mean to bother you.
JACK . You should catch your breath. MAGGIE. Yeah , well.
MAGGIE. What I'm trying Lo do. JACK. It's just you looked ... in need .
JACK. ( Noticing the button on her chest. ) May I? ( He leans in ·MAGGIE. I'm not. (Pause.) What's ten k?

14 15
 ll1is beautiful energy flowing out of him. He's like a cheap
JACK. Pardon?
MAGGIE. Ten k, what is it? microwave.
JACK. Well, I think it comes to around six miles. !AC K. Spandex pajamas? .
MAGGIE. It's his outfit. He's got all these . . . outfits, nght?
MAGGIE. Miles. I k neve r just wears anything. (Pause.) Liste n.
JACK. It's, you know, metric.
MAGGIE. Six miles? I'm gonna kill him. !AC K. Yes. . .
MAGGIE. He gets his bod y waxed . I'm not k1ddmg.
JACK. Who?
MAGGIE. Nobody. A friend. !AC K. Well.
MAGGIE. Not a hair on him. H e's from Portugal.
JACK. Must be quite a fella.
MAGGIE. He's an asshole. You know? !ACK. Right. . ,
MAGG IE. So there you h ave it. (Pause. ) Your kid s on the
JACK. Sure. (He offers her the joint.) You want?
monkey bars, is that okay?
MAGGI~. No. Yes. (She takes it.) What am I doing? What
am I domg? !AC K. H e's not my kid.
MAGG IE. Well, your whatever. Christ, I'm stoned . (She
JACK. Well, it looks to me like-JASON! OVER HERE'
J!l~gles.) You're not really a cardiologist.
WHAT ARE YOU, AN IDIOT? HOW MANY TIMES AM
!AC K. Not literally, no. .
I GONNA TELL YOU? STOP ACTING LIKE A MAGGIE . So are you trying to ptek me up or what?
MONGOLOID AND GET OFF THE SWING! (Pause.)
!AC K. I'm just sitting h ere.
WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY? (Pause. ) THAT'S RIGHT
MAGGIE. You sit here ofte n ?
YOU S~ID NOTHING! Let me tell you, that kid has a !AC K. I've got a lot of quality time on my hands. (Pause.)
mouth like.a sewer. I don't know where he gets it from . I'd ll EY! WHAT I SAY ABOUT HAN G I NG UPS IDE
hav~ that k.1d hor~ewhipped . You can't do that though, can t>OWN , HUH? REMEMBER JUSTIN HENRY!
yo~. T~ey re delicate, aren't they? There are all kinds of
soC1olo~1cal factors involved. You smack them in the head
MAGGIE. Who?
!AC K. That punk from Kramer Vs. Krame_r. You kn?w where
n~xt thmg you ~now they're strolling through Arby's with ~ he falls off the jungle gy m? I mad e him watch 1t o_n the
high-powered nfle. And you're to blame. VCR. Now he wants to be in the movies , are you seriously
MAGGIE. Come on.
JACK. \'.Ou think I'm kidding? Nine out of te n experts will mvolved ?
agree with me. Have another hit. MAGGIE . Whe re?
!AC K. Your Portu guese friend.
MAGGIE. I shouldn't. (She takes the joint. They look at each MAGGIE. Yeah , sure. We bought a sofa bed together. T h:it
other. Pause. ) 1 ounts fo r something, d oesn 't it, we both s_ lee p on _it.
JACK. What's on the phones? (Pause. ) Ah, my god . He loves me, a nd I can't liste n to him
MAGGIE. Oh, nothing. ..peak without looking for the carving knife. H e's so .. ·. l
JACK. It's okay, .1:m ecle~tic. Fred Waring Singers? mean, just what is going on? What are we doing? _We dnft
MAGGI~. No , 1t s nothmg. Actual nothing. They're not into record sh ops, we wear nice clothes, w~ eat Ca3~n food,
plu?ged m , see? ( Pause. ) You know how some times youjust and what is all that? It's garbage, that's all it really 1s. Abso-
cant stand to talk to someo ne? You know? lute ... Where's the foundation, eh ? Whe re's the ... Look,
JACK. Your frie nd. l read th e papers. H e doesn't know it. The world_is coming
M~GGIE. I~'s not enough h~'s pra ncing around in spandex 10 an end . I'm not kidding. We need to be gettmg hetter,
paJa~as, hes got to keep tellmg me how wonderful it feels to don't we? As a species? We should be improving. But we're
be alive on a day like this. And how he feels all this energy,
17
16

I~========:::==~::::;;:;=:::========------- ---------------------------
---------
1\
IM :K. Well .. . (Pause.) It would be interesting, wouldn't
not. The world is coming to an end and I'm spe d . II (
last moments. thinking about · . . ach • wh o knows, n mg my
sugar MAGGIE. Yes. Very. But that's really not a reason. Besides
cones, skm cream, nonsense. Do you follow me;> . you're married.
JACK. Yes. Yes, I- . IM :K. No I'm not.
MAG~IE. ~don't want to help other people. I say I do but MAGGIE. And you've got a kid.
I d~n t. I ~1sh they would go away. Why doesn't that bother IA< :K. No, I don't.
me. I don t know. I don't know. (Pause.) MAGGIE. And I think you're just kind of stoned and
JACK. Great dope, huh? l1111cd. (Pause.) Sorry. (Silence. Jack stares out.)
MAGGIE. Yeah. (Silence. ) IA< :K. Look at that kid. I swear he's living with his head up
JACK. You ever see It's a Wonderful Life' 111~ ass.
MAGGIE. No. . MAGGIE. Maybe he'll become a proctologisL
JACK. It's on TV all the time. IA< :K. Yah.
MAGGIE. I ha_ven't seen it. It's not a crime. MAGGIE. I'm Maggie.
~~K. Okay? Jimmy Stew_art w~nts to kill himself, right? !ACK. Jack. Hello, Maggie.
es gonna JUmp off a bndge. fhen this angel bear with MAGGIE. Hello, J ack.
~e, a~ge~ con;ies down~ shows what the world ~ould have !ACK. Hi. (Maggie starts out, turns back.)
~en hke if ~e d never ~1ved. And Jimmy Stewart realizes all MAGGIE. Um . . . (She looks at him. Pause. She shakes her
t e good hes done, without even knowing it l11•11d and exits. Jack watches her go. Silence. fie looks at his
MAGGIE. Uh-huh. .
watch.)
JACK. Didn't even know it. !ACK. ALL RIGHT, JASON, HAUL IT IN , T IM E'S UP
MAGGIE. So · · · what good have you done? . . HEY, DID YOU HEAR ME? I SAID HAUL IT IN!
JACK. Well, there you go. I might be another Mother JASON, YOU GET OVER HERE PRONTO OR I'M
Theresa, who can say? <:ONNA DECK YOU , UNDERSTAND ? DADDY 'S
MAGGIE. Or you might just be selfish. <:ONNA BREAK YOUR UTILE HEINIE! I'M GONNA
JbeACfiK.. Yeah, that's another possibility. (Pause. ) I'm going to COUNT TO FIVE, JASON . ONE ... TWO ... THREE
1mshed here pretty soon. . .. (Pause. ) FOUR . .. (Pause.) ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
MAGGIE. How nice for you. l'M CALLING MOMMY! (Bla.ckout. )
JACK. Maybe we could get together.
MAGGIE. How do you mean?
JACK. you kn~w, get· · · together. See what happens. I'm S C ENE 4
not trym~ to pick you up.
MAGGIE. What are you trying to do? Lights up. Don and L isa sitting at a table in a restaurant.
~~ ~- We could just talk. (Pause. ) Would you like to talk ? I
m we could talk about some things. (Pause. ) Listen. I DON. Would you like another drink?
want to talk to you. (Pause. ) USA. No. (Pause. ) Do you understand what I mean?
MAGGIE. What about your ward? DON . Uh-huh.
JACK. I'll drop him off. USA. So why do they do it?
MAGGIE. Where? DON. I don't know.
JACK. Where he lives. LISA. Like these men going around with all this. what,
MAGGIE. And where is that? (Pause.)
19
18
-- - - ......
 milita_ry shit, you know, zippers everywhere, combat boots 1.ISA. Actually I'm not. (Pause.) Not talented enough.
flak Jackets, ~ mea? people died in those things. And thei; I)( >N . Maybe I could see your work.
heads, they tilt their heads back just a little looki d 1.ISA. Maybe you could.
at you like "H b b ' • ng own I)( >N . I love sculpture.
k . h • ,, ey, a y, you 1ike this? I'm dangerous. Don't
fiuc wit me. Who are they kidding? Those peo le I mean l ,ISA. Huh.
really dan ge;ous people, they don't look like that. th~y laugh l>ON. It's very rich, very sensuous. Humanistically speak-
at peop1e like that. "Hey baby." Come on. 1111(.
DON. Sure. l.ISA. Don.
Ll~A. J\nd you s~e them in the stores, or the 're ettin IH >N. Yeah?
I I their h~zr cut, gomg, "I w~nt to look like so Ind wi:
kno~, like a rock star, or a killer." Right? Like a killer.
~ o~
is
l.ISA. Don't try so hard, okay? (Pause.)
l>ON . How about another drink?
that. Why do they want to look like that? y l.ISA . No.
DON. You mean those guys? l>ON. Come on .
LISA. Yes. I .ISA. No, it's okay.
DON . I don't know. l>ON . One more ...
LISA. Do they think it's attractive? 1.ISA. Are you trying to get me drunk?
DON. I don't know. l>ON. Of course.
LISA. Am I supposed to fall to my knees:> I .ISA. And then what happens?
DON. I don't know. · I>< >N. We go back to my place and I show you my flak
'I LISA. Tell me, can't they see how crude they are' 1.1ckct. (Pause. )
DON. Probably not. · 1.ISA. I know that was supposed to be endearing.
LISA. Really? (Pause.) l>ON. I was only making a joke.
DON. I don't know. I .I SA. Who gave you the idea that was funny? (Pause.)
LISA. Well, I don't know. l>ON. I don't seem to be able to say the right thing to you.
DON. You want another? I .ISA. I'm sorry.
LISA. No. Thanks. (Pause. ) DON. I mean, you were talking before-
1.ISA. I know. I'm ... thanks for asking me out. I had a
~gNA. SHo whdat do you do when you're not waiting tables?
· ow o you mean? l(OOd time. Really.
DON. I mean that's not all you do. DON. If you think I'm trying to offend you- .
LISA. Yes it is. I.ISA. Yes, yes, it's all right. Shall we _go? (Pause. Lis_a reaches
DON. Well, what do you wanna do for the check. Don grabs it at the same time. They hoUl zt between
LISA. When I grow up? .·· them. ) Please, Don, let me pay for this.
DON. Yeah. DON. No, I've got it.
LISA. I.am gr?wn up. This is as big as I get. (Pause.) I don't I .ISA. I'd like to. You paid for the film.
know, I m takmg some classes. DON. This is more.
DON. You are. LISA. Don't be silly.
LISA. Over at the Art Students' League DON. It's covered.
DON. Well. . LISA. Don, please.
LISA. Sculpture. DON. I've got plenty of money, okay? You're my date, I'm
DON. You must be really talented. paying for the fucking check! All right? (Pause. ) I'm sorry,

20 21
 Lisa. I'm very sorry. You, ah ... you ... I can't figure yoi 1111r parade of pleasure?
ou t. l>ON. I don't know.
LISA. I'm not that complicated. !ACK. Twisted sex? Substance abuse? Senseless acts of vio-
DON . We're not really hitting it off, are we? lc·11ce?
LISA. We don't appear to be. I)( )N . Maybe we should pack it in.
DON . I do like sculpture. !ACK. What?
LISA. Yes. l>ON . Well . ..
I DON . ,1 don:t know much about it. (Pause.) I don 't kno11
what I m saymg. (Pause. )
LISA. D? you enjoy being a man?
!ACK. You didn't mean that.
l>ON. That's right, I didn't.
!ACK. No, what we're going to do is, we're going to have a
II DON. Its okay. (Pause.) Do you enjoy being a woman?
LISA. Not really. (Pause. )
c 011test.
l>ON. Why not.
!ACK. I want you to reach back, Do~, deep into that rav-
DON. Would you like to come home with me:>
LISA. Only if you let me pay the check. ( Pause..H e ha ds I ·•i.:cd brain of yours, I want you ~o thmk _hard and tell ~e
the check. B /,ackout. ) n iei . . three things that happened m the nmeteen-sevenues.
( /•ause. )
DON. We already did that, Jack.
Scene 5 !ACK. We did?
I >ON. We did that one like a month ago.
D~n s room. Don sits on t~e ked in his undenvear, strug- IA K. Oh . (Pause. ) Did we enjoy it?
I' gling. to stay awake. Phil is asleep in a chair, head
hangmg back. Jack stands over him, watching.
l'lllL. (In his sleep. ) Mom, I'm home.
l>ON . What?
!ACK. Oh, this is great, he's talking in his sleep.
JACK. Don. (Louder. ) Don. Come here. DON . Makes two of us.
DON. What is it? !ACK. Phil's really a fascinating guy when h~'s unconscio~~·
JACK. ~ou go~ta see this. Come here. Come on. (Don get1> l.iving next doo r to him expanded my horizons. (In Phil s
up. ) Quiet, quiet ... (Don joins Jack. ) Look at him ( D l'UT. ) Philip, this is your mother.
Looks at Phil.) · 011 PHIL. Mom ...
DON. So? !ACK. I have something to tell you. You 're not really our
JACK. Look at his eyes. (Don looks at Phil more closely. Pause. ) son. You're adopted.
DON. Oh man. DON. Hey, don't do that. .
JACK. What did I tell you ? JACK. We found you in the hold of a Lebanese freighter
DON. That is weird. His eyes are open.
JACK. It was all the talk of Boys' Bunk Twelve. l)ON. Jack, leave him alone.
DON. Yo~ .sure he can't see us? (jack wriggles his fingers iu JACK. Gosh , Mrs. Cleaver, Theodore and I were only play-
front of Phils face) How can he sleep like that? I mean ... ing. . . .
JACK. I kno~. Its a ~ery disturbing concept. DON. You might be domg somethmg to him.
~ON. Yeah , 1t sure 1s. (Pause. Don yawns. J ack lights up JACK. Not Phil. He's got an iron constitutio n . .
JOznt.) a ·ooN. You treat him like that when you guys were growmg
JACK. So, Don, you vicious party beast, what's up next in up?
22 23
 JACK. Yes, as a matter of fact.
DON. You ever think he might not like it? l/\C :K. Don, let me as k YOu a question.
JACK. I always assumed he'd be grateful for the attention. I
know I would be. (Pause. ) Anything on the tube? IC IN
Il/\C :K.. Every
Uhm. time
. I come h ere, you're always in your under-
DON. There's a guide thing under the clothes there. IYl',11'.
JACK. You expect me to touch those? llCIN . So?
DON. It's clean, I just haven't folded it yet. Hey, come on, ll\C :K. Don't you own any pants.1
don't start throwing everything around. It's not in the I IC IN . I like to be prepared.
books-
IAC :K. For what?
JACK. (Picking up a paperback.) Clans of the Alphane Moon. I IC >N . Going to sleep. . ;>
Spaceships, how can you read this stuff? ll\C :K. Are we. hinting at something.
DON. I like it.
llC >N . Forget it. don'tj"ust sit there in your
JACK. (Reading off the back. ) "A planet of madmen was the 'K H "f you want me to go . d ay
key to Earth's survival!" ll\C. . ey, I . II Look me m the eye an s ,
•l1111·ts insinuatmg. Just te m\. late I can see you've got
I Nc·n here Jack.• I'mb s~;~Y;a~hser g~ to sleep than sit here
DON. (Reaching for it.) Come on, Jack, put it down.
JACK. (Opening a page at random.) "His efforts to make a tl1111gs on your mind ut l" . g to you Be honest, Don.
sensible equation out of the situation-" tt underwear istenm · f om
DON. Jack come on- my
IIlllo11 . . f4or f uc k's sake. Keep me away r
ra yall ironic
't get
JACK. "-out of the situation-" 11011y. k
DON. J ack- 1IC >N . Now listen here, Jae · · ·
JACK. "-the situation had borne fruit-"
DON. You're bending the cover! (Pause.) l/\CK. Yes? ( He hands j ack a beer. )
I IC )N . Have anotherHbeeopr. it but does not drink. Pause. )
JACK. (Dropping the book. ) Nothing personal, Don, but !ACK. Thank you. ( e e"'!5 d ;i
you 're one of the most anal slobs I know. l>ON So what's on your mm . . d;i
DON. Thank you. ll\CK·. Did I say som~t~ing_was on my mm .
JACK. I mean, it was fine when we Jived like this in college l>ON . You hinted at it iromca~y. g about me at all, you'd
. . . (He finds the listings.) Here we are. Let's see, we got, 11\CK. Don, if you knew anyt m
hmm, "Famine '88" ... "World at War" ... whoa, tits and .. N o thing ever bothers me .
k11ow t h 1s.
car crashes on HBO!
DON. I don't get cable. l>ON. You're lucky th~t wayd "th it It's a matter of style.
JACK. What? Are you serious? !ACK. Luck's got nothmg t~ ~u:~ ask. yourself one_ simple
DON. I'm not paying to watch TV. Image.
1 · You havewould
. What ay c'JharJes do. in a situation hke
a probRle
JACK. 1
l t ~e~t~~d Ray• I think,
;i hipster that he is-
around You
here.gotta get cable, Don. You 're showing your age llS .

DON. Okay, boss. DON . The

JACK. What problem.h
problem, w atever problem you're talking about,
PHIL. (In his sleep.) It's like your tongue. (They both look at ·1 don't know. But Ray, Badass Ray- ;>
Phil. He rolls over. The alarm clock n'ngs. Don shuts it off. Pause.) l•HIL I don't know, is this my house. h
DON. T ime to get up. JACK.· Fucking myna b"ir d m
· a sport coat ere.
JACK. Working the night shift?
DON. Guess I set it wrong. ·ooN. What problems. ;i , . he's been seeing her
JACK. You heard the latest. This g1r 1, I .ght they talk
·a week, every night he goes to her p ace, n ,
24
25
 about the whales or something, he gets to sleep on the lt\C '. K. Nah . Actually ... actually she's out of town right
couch . She says she's frigid. He says it doesn't matter. She
llllW,
says her uncle ra ped her when she was ten. H e says I love
you. She says maybe you sho uldn't come by anymore. He l>C >N . ls she? h oh·
lt\C :K. Her bank sent her out there, ~ut to, a ' to.
says let's ~!ve it t~me. She says I'm screwing somebody else.
c ~01111a finance another goddamn shopping mall. .
He says 1t s all nght, we can work around it. Isn't that so I)( >N . She must be doing pretty well, they trust her with
typical?
DON. Poor guy.
'"····
lt\C :K. Somebody's gotta put bread on t hetable.
JACK. Calls me up, he says J ack, listen , I'm scared to be
alone tonight- I tC >N . You guys have a great arrangement.
DON. When ? lt\C:K . I thank Jesus every day. (Pa~e.)
JAC K. This, tonight. What am I gonna do, say no? I mean , I >c >N . So who's taking care of Jason.
a friend 's a friend . No matter how you look at it. (Pause. lt\C :K. Well, he's out there with her.
Lowering his voice. ) But I'll tell you something about Phil.
!)ON Out there in Ohio. ,
DON. Yeah ? lt\CK·. It's the kind of place you want to see when you re
JACK. He's a homo. y111111g.
DON. What? HON . Sure.
JACK. Gay as a coot. It\< :K. They'll be back pretty soon.
DON. Are you kidding? He told you ? l>C >N. Yeah. (Pause.)
JACK. No he didn't tell me, he doesn't even know it. IACK. How's your sex life, Don?
DON. How do you know it? I>< )N. Well, you know. .
JACK. Don, look at the women he goes Out with. They eat !AC K. I don't know, th~t's w~y l'.m askmg.
Kai Kan for breakfast. And they all dump him. That's not l>ON. It's fine, I'm seemg this girl.
normal. IAC K. Well well.
DON. Is this for real ? l>ON. Yeah. . :>
JACK. Look at the facts. (Pause. ) IACK. Well well well. What's she hke. , k. d f
DON. Well ... so? l>ON She's ah . .. she's sort of .. . I guess shes m o
JACK. So? 1orrio~s. You know? Very ... thoughtful. We talk a lot.
DON. So he's, you know, so what? (Pause. ) jACK. I bet. · Wh do
JACK. Exactly, so what? l>ON. No, it's ... she's always asking me questions. y
DON. I mean in this day and age ... I do this, do I say that ... we talk about ho~ we feel, about
. and .. · I'm learning to be responsible ... and, ah
JAc_:K. At t~is point in ti me, yes, Don, I know what yo u're 1Iungs,
saymg, you re n ght, absolutely right. Absolutely.
DON . So what are we arguing? !ACK. Tits?
JACK. We're not arguing, we're discussing. ·ooN . They're okay.
DON. What are we discussing? !AC K. Hmm. Well, I wish you luck. (Pause .. )
J ACK. We're not discussing anything. (Pause. ) ·ooN. Actually she may be coming ov~r a httle lat~r.
DON. Won 't your wife be worried ? IACK. A little later ? It's fucking three m th~ mornmg.
.JACK. About what? °DON . She's a waitress over by the park, fimshes at four.
DON. Where you are. JAC K. Sounds pretty devoted .
·ooN . Well.
26
27
 JACK. So why you been keeping her a secret?
DON. She's not a secret, she's ... you know ... 11 M11 111 your head or you'll wind up ~etting yanked around
JACK . A waitress. l1y 1lu· wiener. (Pause. ) As they say m the vernacular.
DON. She's really a sculptor. I H >N . I am not getting "yanked around."
JACK. Does she get paid for that? AC :K. I didn't say you were, I merely-
DON. Not yet, no. H >N . Then take it back.
JACK. Is she in a museum? AC :K. Okay, I hit a sore spot-
DON. She just started ... ' H >N. ' fake it back.
JACK. So ~he's a dabbler, right? She's a waitress who dab-
AC:K. Please, don't be this way-
bles, ;110thmg to be ashamed of. Why don't you say that, ' H >N . Take it back! (Pause.)
does It embarrass you ? ft\C :K. All right, Don. Shhh. All right. This is childish. ~e
DON. No ... , 11111. Be cool. It's me, remember? Not some lady you re
11' y111K to bring home. We know each othe~. We ~now wh~t
JACK. Really? (He ":'bs his face. Phil mutters in his sleep.) Hey
you wanna go bowlmg? That's right, you can't. ' wr u·ally are. We're men, Don. We do terrible thmgs. Lets
,11 1mit we like them and start from there. You want to _ be a
DON. What did you mean by that?
JACK. Bowling. Duck pins. Sport of Kings. 1hlk1cnt person? Get a hug, all the bad tho_u ghts d1s~p­
DON. About being a waitress. l""·•r? I'm sorry, it, won't '!'1ork that way. It's n~t h~e changmg
JACK. Huh~ I don't know, that's what she is, right? I didn't
v• 1111' shirt, we can t promise to be better. T hat s a he. What do
mean anythmg. You wanna go? v1111 want, Don? Be honest. Do what you want. Please. I beg
DON. It was insulting, Jack. v• 111 . Because if you don't, what kind of ma .. . ~hat are you
JACK. I didn't mean it to be. w111na be then? (Don says nothing. ) I am your fnend, Don. I
, .11 t' about you. I really do. Okay? (Don says nothing. ) So you
J?ON. No, okay, you didn't, but it was. You do that all the
time. w.111 na go bowling? Hey, I got some amyl, you wanna do
JACK. What's this about? .1111yl? Don?
I'll IL. All my shoes ... line 'em up . . . . .
J?ON. Listen, you could be a little more considerate all
nght? ' JAC K. (To Don.) What you want, Don. Just thmk about 1t.
JACK. What am I, your therapist? ( l'ause. )
DON. Jesus, you're doing it again! DON. Yeah. .
JACK. What? fACK . (Poking Phil.) Phil, wake up, we gotta go. (Phil rolls
DON . You're insulting me! 1111/'r. jack looks at him. To Don. ) H~y, .Y?u wanna see some-

JACK. Oh come on, don't be an asshole . . 1hing? You'll get a kick out of t~1s, its up you~ alley. (!fe
DON. Stop it! luinds Don a piece of notepaper with crayon markings on it. )
f:1son left that. Go ahead, read it aloud. .
JACK. . I'm not doing anything, Don. Why are you getting
so ~xc1ted~ Are you under orders? This is not like you. DON. "Dear Daddy, Mommy is taki~g me on jet. We are
Shes a waitress, she's a sculptress, fuck do I care I never 1o1oing to planet light blue. It has a n ver, ~nd some ca_ves
even met her, tell me- <'ailed feeling caves, a waterfall, beds, and shd~s. There is a
DON. I feel you really- city there called 'girls are for you.' I know that 1s true. I love
JACK. Yo u feet, everybody feels, fuck that. What are you are you but I think I am going to stay here." (Pause. ) Sounds
hctter than Ohio.
you ,a ma?? Can'~ _you control yourself? You're opening up.
Yo u re bemg sensitive. That's a nice trick, Don. But don't let JACK. Yeah right. (Pause. ) You know, I read tha~ and ~
'1 hought ... what the fuck does this mean? Is he msane.
28
29
 What is going on inside this kid's head? I watch him, right,
he's this tiny guy, really, his sneakers are like this big ... but 11\C :K. In order to be funny.
something's going on in there. Something's going on. I ISA. Well. So you're the funn y one.
(Pause. ) When he was born, did I tell you this? ... He- 11\C:K. Have we met before?
DON. (Handing back the note. ) She's an artist, Jack. Not a I ISA. No. But we know who we are.
waitress. Understand? (Pause.) I IC >N. You want me to call you a cab? Jack? (jack walks up to
JACK. Yes, Don. Of course. Thank you. I'm glad we could I 1111. H e puts his arm around Don. He smiles. )
have this little moment together. Only listen, Don ... l.\C:K. Don te lls me you 're a very talented sculpt ress.
(Pause. ) Don't forget who your friends are. (He leans into I 11 ltu:kout. )
Phil's ear.) Phil.
PHIL Huh?
JACK. Time to go home. SC ENE 6
PHIL. Go?
JACK. Come on. The park. jack and Phil sitting on a bench. j ack with a
PHIL Fell asleep. child's toy in his hand. Phil looking out front.
JACK. No kidding. (A knock on the door. )
DON. (Getting up.) Oh Jesus. 1'1 llL. I would have de stroyed m yself for this ~oman.
PHIL. Feel rotten. (Don meets Lisa at the door and blocks her 1 .J.adly. I would have eaten garbage. I would have shc~d my
entrance.) 11•11.its open. Under the right ciri;:umstances, I m~an , 1f sh~
LISA. Hi. •11d, "Hey, Phil, why don't you JUSt cu_ t your wnsts open,
DON. You're early. 11rll, come on, but if seriously . .. We clicked , we connected
LISA. You're right. Nice legs. 1111 so many things, right off the bat, we tal~ed _ about God
PHIL I'm never looking at another woman again. l11r three hours once, I don't know what good It d1~ , b~t that
JACK. Very practical. 111 tmsity . . . and the first time we went to bed, I ~1dn t ~ve~
LISA. What's going on? 111uch her. I didn't want to, understand what Im say_mg.
DON. Some friends came by. And you know, I played it very casually, because, all .nght,
PHIL I've done bad things, Jack. So many bad things. I've had some rough experiences, I'm the first to admit, but
LISA. Sorry to disturb you. .i her a couple of weeks I could feel we were right there, so I
DON. Don't start. l.1id it down, everything I wanted to tell her, and .. . and
LISA. I only ran over here in the middle of the night. ~he says to me ... she says . .. "Nobody should ever need
JACK. (Singing.) "Well, I used to be disgusted ... " another person that badly." Do you believe tha.t? " Nobo~y
LISA. Are you going to introduce us? should ever . .. "! What is that? Is that somethmg you saw
DON. Guys, this is Lisa. Lisa, this is Jack. That's Phil. He on TV? I dump my heart on the table, you give me Joyce D~.
sleeps with his eyes open. Fucking Brothers? "Need, need," I'm saying I love you, is
JACK. Young Theodore is afraid of the dark. that wrong? Is that not allowed anymore? (Pause. Jack looks
LISA. Excuse me? at him.) And so what if I did need her? Is that. so bad? All
JACK. I said he's afraid of the dark. right crucify me, I needed her! So what! I don t want to be
1

LISA. I thought his name was Phil. by m yself, I'm by myself I feel like I'm ~oi~g out of my
JACK. I was making a joke. mind, I do. I sit there, I'm thinking fo~get It, I, m not ~onna
LISA. Why? make it through the next ten seconds, I JUSt can t stand 1t. But
I do, somehow, I get through the ten seconds, but then I
30
31
 have to do it all over ag~in, cause l_hey just keep coming, all PHIL. Whatever it was. Between you.
th~se ... seconds, floatmg by, while I'm waiting for some- JACK. There was noth ing "between" us, Phil.
thing to hapJX'.n, I don't know whal, a car wre k, a nuclear PHIL. Oh. Okay.
w~r or somethmg, that sounds awful bul al least Lhcrc'd be JACK. If there was something "between" us, we'd sil down
this zr:stant wh_e n I'd know I was alive. Jusl on c. Cause I .ind discuss it like reasonable adults. We'd come to an
loo~ m ~he m1rr~r, and. I ~an 't believe I'm rea lly lhere. I .1greement. We'd draw up certain rules, and then we'd
cant believe thats me: Its hke my body, righl, is Lhe size of, follow them . Our feelings don't have to enter into it.
what, lhe Statue of Liberty, and I'm inside it I'm down in ( Pause. )
~>n~ of the legs, this &igantic hairy leg, I'm scr~ping around PHIL. Well, she's a lovely girl, Jack.
ms1de my own foot hke some tiny fetus. And J d on't know JACK. She is, Phil. She certainly is. And I'm the luckiest
who I am, or where I'm going. And I wish I'd never been palooka . (Pause. ) So ... you heard from Don lately?
born. (Pause. ) Not only that, my hair is falling out, and that PHI L. No. What's he u p to?
really sucks. (Pause. ) .JACK. That's what I'm asking you.
JACK. You know, Phil , in Cambodia ... lhey d on'L have time PH IL. ' do n't know, he doesn't call me. Why would he call
to worry about things like thal. me?
PHIL. Maybe I'll move there. JACK. He mighl be trying to get in louch with me.
JACK. Well, keep in touch. PHIL. Why wouldn't he jusl call you?
PHIL. Or maybe I'll just kill myself. JACK. Well, maybe he has, but I've been busy, Phil. I don'l
JACK. Hmm. ( Pause.) Hey, Phil. have time to sit around staring at the phone. I have things lo
PHIL. What. do. I have food to eat and records to play. I've got places I
JACK. Let's see that smile. have to be at and then come back from. I've got miles lo go
PHIL. Leave me alone. before I sleep. All sorts of stuff. ( Pause. ) Darn it, who needs
JACK. Ah, come on. him ? Let him play wilh his dolls. We're having a heck of a
PHIL. Get away. lime all by ourselves, aren't we little fella?
JACK. Come on, Phil, I see it, I see that smile come on PHIL. I guess.
come on, ooo, here it comes- ' ' JACK. H o, you bet we are. ( Pause.) You bet we are. (Pause.)
PHIL. I'm not gonna. You know, Phil, what was the biggest mistake we ever made
JACK. Yes you ar~, come on, just a little, jusl a weensy, just in our lives ?
an unsey bu~sey, JUSt a meensee neensee, just a- PHIL. What? (Maggie enters, in running gear. j ack sees her.
PHIL. All ,nght, God damn it! I'm smiling, okay? I'm Pause.)
happy, oh I m so happy, ha ha ha! I hate when you do this. JACK. (To Phil. ) What?
JACK. One day you'll miss me, Phil. PHIL. You were gonna say-
PHIL: P~obab_Iy. (Pause. He Looks out.) Well, Jason seems to JACK. Was I ? (To Maggie. ) That's our face!
be eOJoymg himself. MAGG IE. (Seeing him. ) Well, hello.
JACK. Why wouldn't he be? JACK. Miss, I've never seen you before, but how would you
PHIL. I don't know. He just seems .. . glad to be back. like to be a star?
JACK. I do~ 't see what you're getting at. PHIL. Jack . . .
PHIL. I'm J':'st saying it's . . . good that ... you and Carla MAGGIE. Might be fun .
. . . worked It out. JACK. Fun? My friend here is too shy to mention il, but he
JACK. Worked what out? happens to be the associate producer of a new major mo-
32 33
 tion pict~re. And frankly you've just saved him a trip across MAGGIE. Ever feel you're about to do something you're
the comment. (To Phil. ) Go ahead, tell her about the pic- really going to regret?
ture. JACK. Never. (Pause. )
PHIL. I, ah ... um . .. PHIL. Well, hey ... so you been out doing some running,
J~CK. Th~ picture is a modern picture. h 's an An1erican h.uh? (Maggie and jack look al each other. They smile. Blackout. )
picture. Its th~ modern story of American men and their
modern American women, set against a backdrop as mod-
~~n and American as all in~oors. h's a spectacle, il's an epic, ScEN:E 7
1l s the story of a generauon that had it all and couldn't
figu~e o~t what to do with it. And it's the story of a girl, one f:ights up. Don and a girl in bed. Night. A lit candle sits
special girl, and her quest for meaning in a world she never in a saucer.
made. And of the man who wouldn't rest until he tracked
her down . GIRL. Something is coming to get me. I've never seen it,
MAGGIE. Why would he do that? hut I know it's there. It thinks about me all the time. One
JAC~. H e couldn't think of anything better to do. night I'll wake up for no reason and it will be with me. And
MAGGIE. Sounds stupid. in that moment I will realize that this is my last minute on
JACK. That's wh y I say. I keep telling him to make a Earth. (Pause. ) Are you still up?
t~enage sex farce, but does he listen? (To Phil.) Do you DON. Yeah.
I/ hsten? GIRL. I have visions. I close my eyes and see things.
PHIL. What? There's nothing I can do about it. Once I closed my eyes
I JACK. He never listens!
MAGGIE. How's your ward?
and I saw a plane going down in a jungle. Inside a boy and
girl were sucking on an orange. Their bodies were eaten by
JACK. Discreet as ever. monkeys. Another time I saw an old man sitting on a
MAGGIE. Good to know. porch. He had just put pomade in his hair. He said, Mike,
JACK. How's life at the waxworks? clean that blade and stick it in the garage. I have no idea
MAGGIE. Don't ask me. what that was about at all.
JACK. Believe me, I won't. (Pause.) DON. You saw this?
MAGGIE. Mind if I sit? GIRL. I didn't see it, but I saw it, you know? ( Patl..l~. )
JACK. Mind if she sits? DON . Do you like working in the record store?
PHIL. No ... I - GIRL. I don't work in a record store.
JA~K. We d on't mind if you sit. (Maggi,e sits between jack and DON. I bought a record from you.
Plul. Pause. ) GIRL. I was only pretending to work there. I do that
PHIL. My name's Phil, by the way. sometimes, go into a place and pretend I work there.
MAGGIE. Hello, Phil DON . Why?
PHIL. This is my friend Jack. GIRL. I'm mentally ill.
MAGGIE. (Laughing. ) Hello, Jack. (jack nods. ) DON. Oh.
PH IL. You two know each other? GIRL. Does that disturb you?
MAGGIE. Do we know each other? DON. It de pends.
JACK. We don 't know each other. GIRL. On what?
PHIL. O h . DON . Whether it's true or not.
34 35

L
 ~IRL. I used to be a lo t wo rse. Wh e n I was fo urteen I weirrhed strange. I can't help it ... Listen, I can tell fortunes. Did
c1~h.ty pounds ..r d idn 't ca t. l was u·ying to make m yse lf disap- you know that? I can . Would you let me tell your fortune ?
p~a1. Geumg nd of ~ny flesh seem ed easy. But I couldn 't fig- DON . What?
lll e out how LO gee nd of my bo nes. Th a t's the hardest part. GIRL. Give me your hand. Please? I know this is upsetting
DO N. I imag ine it would be . you . I can't help it. Just give me your hand. Then you can
GIRL. You d on 't believe m e, do you? go. (Pause. ) Please? (Pause. Don gives her his hand. ) There,
DON . I didn 't say th at. yes. That's better. This is very good. Now ... calm yourself.
GlR L. What wou ld you think if' I wlcl you m y fa th er tried to Clear your mind. Yes . .. yes. Are you relaxed? Nod your
run m e over with a steamrolle r ) head. (Don nods his head. ) Ah, yes. This is the hand of a
DON. Hmm . . . well ... man. Very strong. Very powerful. This is a hand that will
GIRL H e was a dar edevil. There were six capes in his close t. perform great acts. Terrible, but great. It will hurt many
I was pa rt of th e ac t. H e would tic m e up and put m e in a Ja un- people. But it will seldom be raised in anger. It is the hand
dr.y bag. T hen he wou ld com e at me in a steam rolle r. I had of a compassionate man. A man with a large soul. (Pause. )
th1ny second s to escape. What yo u have to do is to tally re lax Should I go on?
yo ur m uscles. T hen the cords slip rig ht off. Bu t my fathe r DON . Okay.
would Lie dou ble kno ts. GIRL. You feel that you have yet to live. That the years are
DO . Why? passing like a dream. This is true. But soon all that will
GIRL. He wanted to kill m e. change. People will flock to you. Men ...
DO . Why did he want to do that? DON . Women?
GlRL. Beca use he wasn' t a llowed to fuck me. (Silenre. Don looks GIRL. Women, yes. They will be drawn to you. To your
uncomfortable. Suddenly he gets out of bed and reaches for !tis shirt)
power. It cannot be hidden. (Pause.)
Wh at's wrong? . DON. How will I die?
DON. No thing . Excuse m e. GIRL. At sea. When you are very old. Your body will never
GlRL. Wher e are you going? be found . (Pause.)
DON. You're scaring the shit out of me.
DON. Out'. Don ' t wor ry. I j ust have to go. Uh , liste n , the front
door loc ks Itself so just slam it o n your way o ut.
GIRL. Everything will be all right.
DON. Do you work in the record store or not?
GIRL. I d on't understand, yo u 're leavin g?
GIRL. It doesn't matter. Come here.
DO~. I think I . .. .um, tl;ere 's som e Hi~C in the fridge, help DON. I'm not going to able to see you again ...
you1 self, okay, and I II, we II talk late r ...
GIRL. Yes.
GIRL. Have I upset you?
DON. No, no .. .
DON. I shouldn't be doing this ... I'm gonna get in trou-
ble . ..
GIRL. Was it something I said ?
GIRL. A man can do anything he wants. I'm blowing out
D?1.. Look, I'm so rry, it was n ice meeting yo u , but I do n ' t the candle now. Are you going to stay?
thmK ... yo u and I should ... Don. Well ...
GIRL. Do n 't yo u li ke me?
GIRL. Then come to bed. (Don gets into bed. Pause. )
DO:\'. It's not a question of th:it- DON. Are any of the things you told me true?
GIRL. What d id I d o ,,·rnng) GIRL. They're true if you think they're true. (Pause. )
DO N. ;\;0 1hing. Really. DON. Do you think they're true? (The girl loo/cs at DON.
C IR L. Please. ah . . · . pl Pa~c. •come her<:. ( J...now I' m Pause. She blows out the candle. Blaclwut. )
~7
 SCENE 8 LISA. A condom. You know what they are. You see them on
TV all the time.
Lights up on Don's room. Lisa stands, Don sits on the DON. Wha-why? .
edge of the bed. They are both in their underwear. Lisa LISA. Because you slept with her, and then you slept with
holds a pair of panties. Silence. ) me, and you don't know who she's been fucking, do you,
Don. DO YOU . (Pause. ) I'm going.
LISA. And that's all you have to say about it? DON . Where?
DON. What else do you want me to say? LISA. I'm going to lie down in traffic, Don. I'm going to let
LISA. How about sorry? a crosstown bus roll over me because my life is meaningless
DON. Well, of course I'm sorry. How could I not be sorry? since you betrayed me. I'm going to my apartment, you
LISA . You haven't said it. stupid shitheadl
DON. I'm sorry. DON . Lisa, it was j ust a very casual thing. It's over.
~ISA. No you 're not. (Pause. ) I'm going. (She starts gather- LISA. What do I care?
ing her clothes.) DON. I made a mistake, I admit that, but . ..
DON . Um-
LISA. But what?
LISA. What? DON . It made me realize something, someth ing very
DON . I, ah-
impo rtant.
LISA. YES? WHAT? WHAT IS IT? LISA. Yes?
DON. I just think you should realize that I've been under a DON. (Very softly.) I love you.
lo t of strain lately. LISA. What? I can't hear you.
LISA. I see. DON. I said 1-
DON. And maybe, I've, you know, handled some things LISA. I heard what you said! "You love ~e"! That ~oesn't
badly- mean shit! T his isn't high school, I'm weanng your pm. You
LISA. You're under a lot of strain so you go off and fuck want me to tell you what really counts? Out here with the
somebody else. graduates?
DON. That's unnecessarily blunt. DON. What?
LISA. Christ but you're a cheeky bastard. Couldn't you LISA. It's not worth it! Do what you want, it doesn't matter
I even bother to clean up before I came? Put away the odd to me. I don't even know you, Don. After four months I
pair of panties? don't know who you are o r why you do what yo~ do. You
111 DON. I thought they were yours. keep getting your dick stuck in things. "".hat 1s that all
I LISA ..I ?on't buy my panties at j ob Lot, Do n. And I have a
low opm1~n of peo ple who do. (She throws the panties at him.
about, anyway? Will someone please explain that to me?
(Pause. ) Don't look at me that way.
H e fools with them and puts them over his head like a cap. ) DON. What way?
DON . They keep your ears warm. LISA. Like a whipped dog. It's just pathetic.
L!S~._ You th.ink I'~ kidding, don't you? You think, well, DON. Lisa, please. I did something very stupid. I won't do
Lisa s J.u st havmg a little episode, it'll all blow over, chalk it up it again. . .
to. boyish exuberance, hit the sack? Who the fuck do you LISA. Do you have any idea what you re saymg?
thmk you are, J ames Bond ? (Pause.) Did you use a con- DON. I'm saying I feel bad. .
dom? LISA. I'm sorry, but "I feel bad" isn't even in the runmr.g.
DON. Huh? Not at all. We're talking abou t faith. Semper fidelis, like the
38 39
Marines. They don't leave people lying in foxholes. They don't know why you were there. I didn't ask. You kn~lt
just do it. They don't "feel bad." down and gave me nectar from a gourd. You healed ~e m
DON. How do you know so much about the Marines? the shade of the trees. And you never spoke. And neither
LISA. It's not the Marines, Don . It's got nothing to do with did I. I had forgotten how. Later on we b':1ilt a shelte~. You
the fucking Marines. It's the idea. (Pause.) You don't un- bore many children while I caught fish with a spear m the
derstand what I'm talking about, do you? You're just afraid blue light of three moons. And then, one day, we lay our-
of being punished. I'm not you're mother. I don't spank. selves down together on the sand. The breath eased from
(Pause. ) I'm going. Have fun fucking your bargain shop- our bodies. And we died. And the ocean ate our bones.
per and cracking jokes with your creepy friends .
DON . Lisa, wait, I have to tell you something. (Pause.) b 1· h /
LISA. What a crock of shit. You expect me to e 1eve t at.
LISA. No you don't. DON . It's true. I dreamt it.
DON . I had this dream about yo u last night. LISA. You've got a vivid imagination, 1:n grant you that
LISA. How inconvenient. much . Very. .. . charming. Very romantic.
DON . Can I tell you this? Just for a minute? Please? DON. It's an omen . It's like a prophecy.
(Pause.) LISA. Of what?
LISA. Start. DON. Of us. The two of us, together.
DON. Okay ... okay ... now ... I was ... flying. In a LISA. Well. (Pause. ) You'd probably make me do the fish-
plane, I mean a rocket. It was a rocket ship. And I was all ing. '
alone inside. With nothing to eat but junk food in rocks DON . I wouldn't. I promise. ( Pa~e._) . ,
along the walls-sandwich cremes, Raisinets, boxes and LISA. Wait. Wait. This is not it. This 1s nothu1:g. I cant ev~n
boxes of crap. The smell was nauseating. talk to you until you tell me the truth. Why did you do this,
LISA. Does this go on much longer? Don? When you knew I trusted you? Wa~ it her breasts, he~
DON. Anyway I looked outside and there was this tiny buttocks the smell of her sweat? Was tt her underwear·
planet floating by me like a blue Nerf ball. So I opened a Was it b~cause she wasn't me? Did you have a reason ? Any
bottle of Yoohoo and sat down to relax. But it must have reason at all? ·h·
been doped because it knocked me right out. When I woke DON. I wanted to see . .. if I could get away wit 1t.
up ... the cabin was on fire! I tried to move but someone LISA. Why? )L •
had tied me to the chair with piano wire, it was slicing into DON. Because that's what a man would do. ( Pause. . ets
my wrists like they were chunks of ham. The ship was in a get married, Lisa. I want to marry you. I want to be faithful
nosedive and I was slammed against the seat. Suddenly, to you forever. I want to put my head on your lap. Can I do
barn, the whole port side blew away. I could see the planet that? I want to bury my face in your lap. I don't want to
rolling beneath me. A new world, Lisa. Pristine, unsullied. think about anything. Is that okay? (Pause.)
Virgin. I reached out ... and the ship broke up around me LISA. Would you like to play a little game, Don ?
in a sheet of flames. I was tied to a chair falling through the DON. What kind of game?
void. My mind left me. (Pause. ) When I came to I was lying LISA. A pretend game. Let's prete nd y~u could d o any-
on a beach half buried in the sand. My right hand was thing you wanted to. And whatever you did, nobody could
gone. The wire had severed it at the wrist. Leeches sucked blame you for it. Not me or anyone else. Y~u would be
on the stump. I rolled over and waited for death. And then totally free. You wouldn't have to mak~ prom1.ses and you
... you rose from the water on a bed of seaweed. On the wouldn't have to lie. All you would have to do 1s know ho':
white sands your hips swayed with an animal rhythm. I you feel. Just that. How would that be? ·
40 41
DON . I don't know. PHIL. T hat is so childish, Jack.
LISA. Just pretend. What would you do? (Pause. ) JACK. Is it?
DON. I think I would be ... different? PHIL. You don't think so?
LISA . Would you? JACK. Well ... ( H e pauses and bursts out laughing.)
DON. I'd like to be. PHIL. Why don 't you grow up?
LISA. Different how? (Pause.) JACK. You need some more dope. You'll feel better.
DON. Well ... I would ... I think I would ... I think PHIL. I don't want to feel better. I wish I was dead.
maybe I .. . (He pauses and falls inlo a long silence. Blackout.) JACK. You gotten laid lately, Phil?
PHIL. What do you care?
JACK. I like to know my friends are happy.
SCENE 9 PHIL. I think that's incredibly tactless.
JACK. Well, I'm sorry you see it that way. ( Pause. ) So you
In lhe blackout, the bandleader's voice. haven't gotten laid ? . .
PHIL. You're so curious, yes, yes, I have gotten laid, 1s that
BANDLEADER. All right, everybody, before you get too okay?
comfortable in your chairs, let's see if we can work off a JACK. Yes, that's fine. ( Pause. )
little of that delicious roast beef with some of today's young PHI L. You do n't have any idea what it's like, J ack. You're
sounds. (A small, accordian-led combo strikes up with "Beal completely out of it. You've got your wife and your kid.
ft ."* Lights up on Phil and Jack sealed al a ro":'nd banquet table You've got stability. Yo u don't have to make yourself crawl
tillered with napkins, glasses, and halfealen dinners. Jack '1:as a through the gutter to get regul~r. sex. When I think. of
row of sodafilled glasses lined up in front of.him. He methodically some of the things I've done . . . 1t JUSt makes me feel sick.
pours sugar into lhem one by one, walchmg as they foam up (Pause.)
explosively. Phil stares straigh! ahead. ) . , JACK. Like for instance?
PH IL. (After a while. ) Chnst, I h~te weddu:gs. They re so PHIL. Oh, please.
depressing, you know? They remmd me of funerals. JACK. No, I mean what things?
JACK. Weddings remind you of funerals? PHIL. I'm not here to provide yo u with titillation .
PHIL. They remind me of death. . JACK. Yes you are, Phil. You just don't know it. ( Pause. O~t
JACK. £verything reminds you of death, Phil. front. ) There she goes, the old Earth Mo ther ... 1-11 ,
PHIL. No it doesn't. Honey! No, we're doing fine, we're dandy ... Look at her,
JACK. What are you thinking about right now? she's plastered across the walls. One drink and she's ready
PHIL. Well, I'm thinking about death. But only because for pearl diving without a loinclo~h . S~e ~on't keep booze
you brought it up. . in the house, you know. J ason might mv1te some nursery
JACK. I didn't bring it up, you brought 1t up. buddies in for an afternoon mixer. Not to mention she
PHIL. No I didn't. wants the VCR disconnected, she thinks he needs more
JACK. You said you hate weddings because they remind creative playtime so she bought these toys fro m Scand inavia,
you of death. and you know what they are, they're unpainted blocks of
PHIL. People are drinking those, you know. wood, yo u're supposed to have fun arranging them . Yo u
JACK. Not anymore. look at these things and you know why the Swedes kee p
offing themselves. So I tell her-
*See Special Note on copyright page. PHIL. If you must know, I fucked a girl while she was
42 43
r

unconsoous . was able to charge it-so, I thought, isn't this great, this is
JACK. Beg pardon) just the way I wanted to spend my evening. I was pretty
PHIL. You want to know so I'm tell ing you! pissed off.
JACK . You ... fucked a girl while she was ... unconscious? JACK. So you fucked her anyway, huh?
PHIL. Yes. PHIL. No! What do you think I am? ... I decided to put
JACK. How ? her to bed. I'd sleep on the floor and keep an eye on her. So
PHI L. I d esene lo die. I did that, but she was sweating so much, it looked unheal-
JACK. I'll decide that, Phil. Just what have you d one? thy, so I , ah ...
PHIL. I d idn't do anything. She blin keci ')ff. JACK. You undressed her, right?
JACK . When? Where? PH IL. I took her shoes off: that's all! I took off her shoes,
PHIL. We we nt o ut, we ca me back to he r place- and she had on these tights, so I thought I better take those
JACK . Who is this? off too ...
PH I L. Yo u do n't know her. JACK. And then you fucked her.
JACK . What d oes she look like? PHIL. I had her undressed and I thought, what the hell , I
PHIL. You don't know her. don't want to sleep on the floor, so I got into bed with her,
JACK. Did she have nice tits? Just tell m e abo ut the tits. and . . . . I don 't know. I don't know. I wa lked ho me after-
PHIL. It doesn't matter. wards, sixteen blocks at three in the morning. I was hoping
JACK. Just tell me! somebody would kill me. I felt like ... you know what's
PHIL. They we re okay. really te rrifying? Everyone's worried about the world get-
JACK. Only okay? ting blown up or something, right, but ... what if it
PHIL. No, they were fine. doesn't? What if it just goes on like this, forever? What are
JACK . Good. Go on. we gonna do then? (Pause. )
PHIL. So we came back to her place, o ne of these sub- JACK. You sly old dog.
divided closets, right, and the radiato rs are howling . IL was PHIL. What?
like a pizza oven in there. She pours a couple. of Scolc~es, JACK. What an operator, huh ? You old dog.
we talk a li ttle. Pretty soon I can tell I wont be commg PHIL. I feel awful.
home tonight. JACK. Ah, come on, Phil, drop the Hamlet routine. Did
1, JACK. You bounder. you speak to her yet?
PHIL. So I get her blouse off- PHIL. Yeah. She called me. She said she was sorry she fell
JACK. Wa it, wait, how'd that happen? . asleep and maybe we could go out again.
PHIL. Just, you know, in the course of conversation. It's JACK. And nothing about . ..
time to make m y move , I take he r in my arms ... PHIL. No.
JACK. Uh-huh . . . . JACK. So? Everything's fine . You had a li ttle fun , you
PHIL. She keels right over. Wham. Right down o n the covered your ass, and no one's the wiser. What's the prob-
futon. lem? (Pause.)
JACK. Geez. BANDLEADER. (Offstage. ) Don and Lisa, we wish you the
PHIL. I'm telling you it was hot in there. very best of luck, life, and happiness This song is just for
JACK. I guess so. you. (The combo plays "When I'm Sixty{our." )*
PHI L. Anyway, I tried to bring her arou?d , but she'd h~d a
lot to drink, you sho uld have seen the liquor tab, luckil y I *See Special Note on copyright page.
44 45
 PHIL. Whal did you gel lhe m ? claytime.
JAC K. A blender. We had il lying around . l'l IIL. Oh. Well, sure. Why not. ( Pause.) How. come? .
PHIL. I wish I'd Lhoug hL of that. I boughL them a cheese JAC K. Because I need to be able to be alo ne m Lhe afte r-
wheel. noons.
.JAC K. A whaL? l'l IIL. What's wrong with your apartment?
PHIL. A cheese wheel. A wheel of cheese. IL comes in the JACK. It's no good .
mail. 1'1 IIL. Why's that?
JACK. Uh-huh. JACK. Why do you think?
PHIL. It's Yarlsberg. Most people like Yarlsberg, don'l l'HIL. I d on't know.
they? JACK. You don't have to know, you just have to d o me a
JACK. I couldn't say, Phil. I know a lot but I don 't know lavo r. .,
lhal. l'HIL. It's my apartment, Jack. I'd like to know what it s
PHIL. Whal Lhe hell , it's not like I see him every day. You heing used for.
calch I he bride? JACK. All right, don't do iL Jesus.
JACK . Yeah , she's a real bowzer, huh ? l'HIL. I mean I trust you, but-
PHIL Jack ... .JACK. Are you my friend ?
JACK. Whal? l'HIL. Sure.
PH IL. T hat's so rude . JACK. The n I need your help. I've got to meet somebody
.JAC K. Would Y?U say Lhat girl is attracti ve? .md I can't do it at my place.
PHIL. Your all1tude towards wo me n- PHIL. A woman.
JACK. Hey, I don'Lhave an allitur/1' towards wome n. I'm no t .JACK. Yes. She is a woman.
question in~ her right to exisr. I'm simply asking if you find PHIL. I see.
her attractive. JAC K. You'll appreciate the difficulty.
PHIL. No, I don't. PHIL. Right.
JAC K. So wh y are you ge uing upset? .JACK. So you'll do it?
PH_IL. M ~ybe he l?ves her, did that ever occur to you? PHIL. Um ...
JAC K. Of course ll ocrurred to me. I'm nol an idiot. Bul JACK. Don 't "um ," Phil, come on. I'd do it for you.
that:s n.ot going .to n~ake he r any better looking, is it? So ·PHIL. That's a little differe nt, isn't it? I mean ... ~·m
don t give me t.h1s a.tt1tude bull.shit, Phil. I'm j_ust telling the single. I'm supposed to do things like that. You're talkmg
tr~th. Nobody s gomg to punish you for telling the truth. about adultery.
( Szlmce. j ack moves lo pour sugar in Phil'.~ driuk. ) JACK. Oh, please.
PHIL. Don't do that. PHIL. You and another woman, I don't know- .
JACK. I'm just kidding. ( PamP. ) Hey, you 're slill working at JACK. Let's not get melodramatic. This ~as noth1_ng lo d o
that place, aren't you ? with adultery. This is just a nice lit~le affair_I'm gomg to !~t
PHIL. Unfortunately. myself have. A quick to ur of foreign panues and lhen 1t s
JAC K. Nine to five ? back o n the bus home. Everybody's happy and no o ne gets
PHIL. Uh-huh. hurt. What could be simpler? .
JACK. I want you to do me a favor. PHIL. I don't think I can do it, Jack. I'd just feel too guilty.
PHIL. Like what? I'd be helping you to ruin your life.
JACK. .Like ' letting me use your . apartment during the JACK. Yo u're joking, right?
i46 47
 PHIL. Did you tell this girl you're ma rried ? more important things on your mind.
JAC K. I've implied as such. DO N. We ll, yeah ...
PHIL. But you haven't told her. JACK. You couldn't be expected to bother with these little
JACK. Why am I having this discussion ? details.
PHIL. You're so big on the truth, why didn't you tell her ? DO N . I didn't look too stupid, d id I?
JAC K. Well, we're up on our little throne , are we? You and JACK. No, not too stupid.
your fucking sexual sob stories, you think you know the DON Did you notice when my collar button popped off?
answer ? JACK. Actually, Big Don, I did not notice that. Actually I
PH IL. Yes, I do. missed most of the ceremony, lovely as I know it must have
JAC K. No you don't. Absolutely not. You want to know the been, actually since I was not part of the wedding party,
truth , yo~ ~ant to kno~ w_h at I have fimnd out while you sit that is the wedding party per se, I did not actually think it
the re tw1stmg your gu1lt-ndden nuts off? It doesn't matter! It was that important for me to-
d o~sn't matter wh~t you d o because nobody is watching, PH IL. Well, this is quite a rece ption. I love the, ah .. . and
Phil! Nobod y's takmg notes, nobody is heating up a pitch- the music . ..
fork, there is nobody there! So don't d are tell me that I'm DON. Yeah, Lisa's parents, they're very . . . you know, they
d_oing something wrong, because I decide that , and I de- wanted a big thing.
cide there is nothing wrong. I'm going to commit adultery, JACK. And they're certainly getting a big thing, e h, Big
Phil! I'm actually going against the Ten Command me nts, Don?
and ~s long as I'm careful and don't get caught I d on't give DON. Ho ho.
~ slut :( Pause.) Not hing 's happe ning, Phil. Where's the JACK. Yep. (Pause. ) So, Donerooney, this is the day for you,
hghtnmg ? (Don enters in a tuxedo. ) hu h. Tying that wacky old knot. Strolling down that goofy
DON . We can't go on meeting like this. aisle of matrimony. Seuing down to a big heap o' domestic
JAC K. Hey, he re he is, the ma n o f the minute. bliss.
DON . You two loo k like a couple of' derelicts. How you DON. Well, I hope so.
doing, Philly? JACK . You're gonna love it, kid. Take it from me. Be
PH IL. Okay, I'm great. fruitful and multiply.
JACK. Put 'er there, Don. Big Do n. Old Big Don. PHIL. She's a lovely girl, Do n.
DON. Wh y am I Big Don ? DON. Huh ?
JAC K. Because you are, that's why. You loo k like a waiter. PHI L. Lisa.
Here you go. (He hands Don a gargantuan joint. ) DON . Well, thanks.
DON . Is this for real? JACK. Big Don, let me ask you something.
JACK. You can smoke some now and sublet the rest. DON. Shoot.
PHIL. Congratulations, Don. I'm really happy for you. JACK. You and the little woman , you're off on a honey-
JAC K. Don't get maudlin, Phil. moon?
DON . Yo u guys having a good time? DON. Uh-huh.
JAC K. Yo u bet. I love eating next to the men's room . JACK. So what's happening with your a partment while
DON . Huh? Oh, look, I'm really sorry about that ... you're away?
PHIL. Doesn't bother me ... DON. My folks are gonna stay the re.
DON. See, I didn't know, Lisa did the seating ... JACK. Well, isn't that tho ughtful.
JAC K. No need to apologize, Big Don. I'm sure you had DON. Did you-
48 49
 JACK. Me? Don't concern yourself with me. (Pause.) sorry.
PHIL. Well, it's hard to believe. JACK. you know what I always like about you, Don? You're
so fuckmg eager to please. It's really pathetic. (Pause. ) In a
JACK. What?
PHIL. That we're here, all three of us. And that we've zany kind of way. (Pause. )
DON. I better go. I have to wheel my aunt around.
kno~n ~ach other, all these years. I mean we were younger,
we d1dn t know what we were gonna do, or what was gonna JACK. Go get her, cowboy.
11 DON. I'm glad you guys came. I am. Listen, when I get
happen, and_ now w~'re all older, you've got a kid, you're
back-
gettmg married ... JUSt think.
JACK. It's not that difficult a concept, Phil. .JACK. You know it.
PHIL. I hope you and Lisa will be very happy together, PHIL. Great.
Don. DON . Okay. Rest easy. (He exits. Pause. )
DON. I do n't see why not. JACK. Don of the Living Dead.
JACK. You can always get a divorce. (Phil look.s al him. ) PHIL. Huh?
JACK. Guy's walking around like a fucking zombie.
What I say?
PHIL. He looked all right to me.
PHIL. He just got married, Jack.
JACK. ~·m aware of that. I'm just saying it's an option. It's JACK. Did he? Did he now?
somethmg to take mto account. Right, Don? PHIL. He looked happy.
DON. Well, I suppose it's always a possibility. JACK. Phil, and I hate to be the one to break this to you,
~ut_you're_ hopelessly out of date. Happiness, that was the
J ACK. You see? It's a possibility. (Pause.) You wanna smoke
s1x~1e~. Paisley trousers, peace marches, that whole thing.
that reefer now?
This 1s the modern world. It's kinda young, kinda kooky,
DON. You have it. I'm not really supposed to.
JACK. Oh? kinda-
DON. I sort of promised myself It's no big deal. PHIL. ~hy don't you shut the fuck up. I'm sick of you and
your miserable sarcastic bullshit. (Pause. ) I'm gonna go
JACK. No, certainly not.
DON. It's something I've been wanting to do. dance the Hokey-Pokey.
JACK. By all means. JACK. Phil.
DON. Anyway they're just as bad as cigarettes. PHIL. Don't say it.
JACK. Yet another significant consideration. When do you JACK. No, Phil, wait, come here. Look at me, come on.
learn to tie your shoes? PHIL. What?
DON. I'm wearing slip-ons. JACK. This is bad. This is all wrong. I'm kidding, doesn't
JACK. The bedrock of a lasting marriage. anybody know I'm kidding? Look at me, do I look serious?
DON. (Casually.) Fuck you, Jack. PHIL. No.
JACK. Does that mean you don't love me anymore? JACK. No, of course not, no, how long do we know each
DON. Not if you're gonna talk like that. other?
JAC K. I thought we were discussing footwear. (Pause. ) PHIL. A long time.
DON . Jack, I'm sorry. JACK: Since we were midgets, Phil. Now, all right, we have
JACK. About what? our differences, our points of view, but basically-
DON. I don't know. PHIL. Yeah.
JACK. Basically we're friends, you and me, friends, yes?
JACK. Then why did you say it?
DON. I don't know, I thought . .. I don't know, I'm just PHIL. We're friends.
51
50
JACK. That's right we are, and we're not gonna forget that CARLA. No you're not. I'm afraid you're just not. (Pause.)
cause of a little-I'm not. I swear I'm not. I know what's But you'd like to be ... (She rests against his shoulder with her
right, Phil, I do, and I know what's wrong, and ... so ... so eyes closed. jack looks out front. Fade out. )
... don't be mad at me, okay?
PHIL. I'm not mad at you. END.
JACK. You're not? I knew it Phil, you big hunk, I love you.
(He hugs Phil. Pause.) So ... can I have the apartment?
(Phil looks at him. Pause. H e turns to go.) Phil .. . (Phil starts
off) Hey, Phil ... Phil! What is that supposed to be, an
answer? I'm talking to you, Phil! (Phil keeps walking. ) Oh
yeah? Then fuck you. I will make my arrangements. And
you know nothing. Live with that. (Phil exits. ) You fucking
... child. (Pause. H e sits. Silence. Carla enters in evening dress.
She stands next to j ack. )
CA RLA . Howdy stranger.
JACK. Hi.
CARLA. Guess wha1.
JACK. What.
CARLA. I'm having a good time. How about you? (jack
nods. ) Ah, the silent type. I like that in a fella. Wanna get
married?
JACK. Sure. (She sits. )
CARLA. I'm a little drunk.
JACK. No.
CARLA. Yeah. I'm just gonna close my eyes a sec.
JACK. You do that.
CARLA. I will. (She leans her head on his shoulder. ) Did I tell
you how nice you look?
JACK. No.
CARLA. Well, I'm going to. You look very nice. I was
watching you sit here saying how nice he can look. Why
does he look so nice. (She smiles to herself. Pause. )
JACK. We should get going.
CARLA. Mmmm.
JACK. The sitter's waiting.
CARLA. Home home. Home with you. Know what I'm
thinking?
JACK. Uh-uh.
CARLA. You're not the worst man in the world.
J ACK. I'm not, huh?
 PROPERTY LIST Scene 8
Panties
Scene 1
Scene 9
Joint
Headphones Round banquet table
Bottles Napkins
Clothes Glasses
Books Half-eaten dinners
Row of soda-filled glasses
Scene 2 Sugar
Bed Gargantuan joint
Coats

Scene 3
Bench
joint
Empty bottle of imported beer
Headphones

Scene 4
Table
Check

Scene 5
Joint
Paperback
Alarm clock
Bell
Piece of paper

Scene 6
Bench
Child's toy

Scene 7
Lit candle in a saucer

54 55
 NEW PLAYS
*GUARDIANS by Peter Morris. In this unflinching look at war, a disgraced
American soldier discloses the truth about Abu Ghraib prison, and a clever
English journalist reveals how he faked a similar story for che London cabloids.
"Compelling, sympathecic and powerful." -NY Times. "Sends you into a state
of moral curbulence." -Sunday Times (UK). "Noching shore of remarkable."
- Village \/Oice. [1 M , 1W] ISBN: 978-0-8222-2177-7

*BLUE DOOR by Tanya Bar6dd. Three generations of men (all played by

one actor), from slavery through Black Power, challenge Lewis, a cenured pro-
fessor of mathematics, co embark on a journey combining past and present. "A
teasing flare for words." -Village \/Oice. "Unfailingly chought-provoking." -LA
Times. 'The play moves with the speed and logic of a dream. " - Seattle W?ekry.
[2M] ISBN: 978-0-8222-2209-5

*THE INTELLIGENT DESIGN OF JENNY CHOW by Rolin Jones. This

irreverent "techno-comedy" chronicles one brilliant woman's quest co determine
her heritage and face her fears wich the help of her ascounding creadon called
Jenny C how. "Boldly imagined." - NY Times. "Fancastical and funny. " - Vtzriety.
" Harvests many laughs and finally a few tears." - LA Times. [3M, 3W] ISBN:
978-0-8222-207 1-8

* SOUVENIR by Stephen Temperley. Florence Foscer Jenkins, a wealchy

society eccentric, suffers under the delusion char she is a grear coloratura sopra-
no--when in fact the opposice is crue. "Hilarious and deeply couching.
Incredibly moving and breathtaking." - NY Dairy News. "A sweet love lecrer of a
play." - NY Times. "Wildly funny. Completely charming." - Star-Ledger. [ IM,
IW] ISBN: 978-0-8222-2 157-9

*ICE GLEN by Joan Ackermann. In this couching period comedy, a beauti-

ful poetess dwells in idyllic obscurity on a Berkshire estate wirh a band of unlikely
cohorcs. "A beautifully wrinen story of nacure and change." - Ta/kin' Broadway.
"A lovely play which will leave you with a lot to think about." -Curtain Up. "Funny,
moving and winy." - Metro/and (Boston). [4M, 3W] ISBN: 978-0-8222-2 175-3

*THE LAST DAYS OF JUDAS ISCARIOT by Stephen Adly Guirgis. Sec

in a time-bending, darkly comic world between heaven and hell, this play reex-
amines the plighr and fate of che New Tescament's most infamous sinner. "An
unforced eloquence char finds the poecry in lowdown sueec talk." - NY Times.
"A real jaw-d ropper." - Vtzriety. "An extraordinary play." - Guardian (UK). [! OM,
SW] ISBN: 978-0-8222-2082-4

DRAMAT ISTS P LAY SERVI C E, INC .

440 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016 212-683-8960 Fax 212-213-1539
postmaster@dra matist s. co m www.dramatists .com
 BOYS' LIFE
by Howard Korder
4M,5W
' the misadven-
Told in a series of fast-paced, sharply etched scenes, the play traces
tures of three former college buddies now seeking co make their way in the big city
- and with various women of their acquaintance. There is the cynical Jack, who
is already married and a father, bur is not above pursuing daytime adulteries while
babysitting in the park; the innocent, vulnerable Phil, who grows weary of not
being taken serio~ly and concludes that being unhaRPY is the way things are sup-
posed co be; and the handsome, amoral Don, who risks a solid relationship with
his girlfriend by sleeping with another, simply to see ifhe "could get away with it."
Moving along briskly, with its mood of satirical ·humor brilliantly sustained, the
play dissects and anatomizes the male narcissism - and protracted adolescence -
which characterizes its procagonists and, in the end, makes ic hilariously clear that
ic is actually the women who possess the qualities of "manhood" and maturity
which their deluded lovers so desperately lay claim to.

"Howard Kordus BOYS' LIFE puts stxUal insecurity among under-thirty 11l4ks under
I the comic microscope and the result is a satisfying and thoughtfal worlt by 11 frtsh p'4y-
f writing voice." -Variety

"... BOYS' LIFE is the most balanced and intelligent comment on the battle of the
sexes I've seen in a long time . .. " -The New Yorker

"... it maim How.trd Korder a presence to tafte seriously in the theater. "
-The Village Voice

"BOYS' LIFE is the .freshest thing I've seen in ages." -The New York Daily News

Also by Howard Korder

FUN AND NOBODY ISBN 978-0-3222-01~
THE LIGHTS 90000
THE POPE'S NOSE
and many ochers

DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC. • 180822111111

7 201403111111