WHITE QUEENThat’s the effect of living backwards,it always makes one a little giddy at first -
ALICELiving backwards! I never heard of such a thing!
HITE QUEENBut there’s one great advantage in it- that one’s memory works both ways W . ALICEI’m suremineonly works one way. I can’t rememberthings before they happen . WHITE QUEENIt’s a poor sort of memory that only worksbackwards.
ALICEWhat sort of things do you remember best?
HITE QUEENOh, things that happened the week afternext. For instance now: There’s the W King’s messenger - he’s in prison being punished; and the trial doesn’t even begin till next Wednesday; and of course the crime comes last of all.
ALICESuppose he never commits the crime?
WHITE QUEENThat would be all the better, wouldn’tit?
ALICEOf course it would be all the better, but itwouldn’t be all the better his being punished.
WHITE QUEENYou’re wrongthere, at any rate; wereyouever punished?
ALICEOnly for faults.
WHITE QUEENAnd you were all the better for it, Iknow!
ALICEYes, but then Ihaddone the things I was punishedfor; that makes all the difference. ALICE & HUMPTY DUMPTY UMPTY DUMPTYDon’t stand chattering to yourself likethat, but tell me your name and your H business.
ALICEMynameis Alice, but -
HUMPTY DUMPTYIt’s a stupid name enough, what doesit mean?
ALICEMusta name mean something?
UMPTY DUMPTYOf course it must;myname means theshape I am - and a good, handsome
H shape it is, too. With a name like yours, you might be any shape, almost.
ALICEYou’re Humpty Dumpty! Just like an egg.
HUMPTY DUMPTYIt’sveryprovoking, to be called anegg -very.
ALICEI said youlookedlike an egg, Sir, and someeggs are very pretty, you know.
HUMPTY DUMPTYSome people have no more sense thana baby.
ALICEWhy do you sit here all alone?
UMPTY DUMPTYWhy, because there’s nobody with me.Did you think I didn’t know the H answer tothat? Ask another.
ALICEDon’t you think you’d be safer down on the ground?That wall’s so very narrow.
UMPTY DUMPTYWhat tremendously easy riddles you ask!Of course I don’t think so. Why, if H ever I did fall off – which there’s no chance of – but if I did – if I did fall, the King has promised me – ah, you may turn pale, if you like! You didn’t think I was going to say that, did you? The King has promised me – with his very own mount – to - to
ALICETo send all his horses and all his men
UMPTY DUMPTYNow I declare that’s too bad! You’vebeen listening at doors – and behind H trees – and down chimneys – or you couldn’t have known it!
ALICEI haven’t indeed! It’s in a book.
UMPTY DUMPTYAh, well! They may write such thingsin a book. That’s what you call a H History of England, that is. Now, take a good look at me! I’m one that has spoken to a King, I am: mayhap you’ll never see such another: and to show you I’m not proud, you may shake hands with me![He leans forward to offer ALICE hishand but she is too small to reach it]Yes, all his horses and all his men. They’d pick me up again in a minute, they would! However, this conversation is going on a little too fast; let’s go back to the last remark but one.
ALICEI’m afraid I can’t remember it.
HUMPTY DUMPTYIn that case we start fresh, and it’smy turn to choose a subject. ALICE & WHITE RABBIT WHITE RABBIT Oh! My fan and gloves! Wherearemy -
ALICE Oh! Mr. Rabbit - please help me out - I want to go home - I want to go home -
WHITE RABBIT Oh! The Duchess! Oh! My fur and whiskers! She’ll get me executed, as sure as ferrets are ferrets! Oh!Youhave them!
LICE A I’m sorry - you dropped them, you know -
HITE RABBIT W [picks up fan and gloves and patters off] She’ll chop off your head!
LICE A If you please sir - where am I? - won’t you please - tell me how to get out - I want to get out -
WHITE RABBIT [looking at his watch] h! My ears and whiskers, how late it’s getting. O ALICE, HATTER, MARCH HARE & DORMOUSE HATTERWhy is a raven like a writing-desk?
LICE Come, we shall have some fun now! I’m gladyou’ve begun asking riddles - I believe I A can guess that.
MARCH HARESo you mean that you think you can findout the answer to it?
ALICEExactly so.
MARCH HAREThen you should say what you mean.
ALICEI do; at least - at least I mean what I say- that’s the same thing, you know.
ATTERNot the same thing a bit! Why, you might justas well day that “I see what I eat” is the H same thing as, “I eat what I see!”
ARCH HAREYou might just as well say that “I likewhat I get,” is the same thing as “I get what M I like.”
ORMOUSEYou might just as well say that “I breathewhen I sleep” is the same thing as “I D sleep when I breathe.”
ATTERItisthe same thing with you.[takes out hiswatch, looks at it uneasily, shakes it, holds it H to his ear.]What day of the month is it?
ALICEThe fourth.
HATTERTwo days wrong. I told you butter wouldn’tsuit the works!
MARCH HAREIt was thebestbutter.
ATTERYes, but some crumbs must have got in as well;you shouldn’t have put it in with the H bread-knife -
ARCH HARE[takes the watch, looks at it gloomily,dips it into his cup of tea and looks at it M again but doesn’t know what else to say.]It was thebestbutter, you know.
ALICEWhat a funny watch! It tells the day of themonth, and doesn’t tell what o’clock it is.
HATTERWhy should it? Doesyourwatch tell you whatyear it is?
ALICEOf course not, but that’s because it stays thesame year for such a long time together.
HATTERWhich is just the case withmine.
LICEI don’t quite understand you. What you saidhad no sort of meaning in it and yet it was A certainly English.
HATTER[pouring some hot tea on the DORMOUSE’s nose]The Dormouse is asleep again. ALICE, RED QUEEN & WHITE QUEEN P.1 RED QUEENSpeak when you’re spoken to.
LICEBut if everybody obeyed that rule, and if youonly spoke when you were spoken to, and A the other person always waited for you to begin, you see nobody would ever say anything, so that -
RED QUEENPreposterous.
ALICEI only said “if.”
RED QUEENShe says she only said “if.”
HITE QUEEN[moans and wrings her hands]But she saida great deal more than that. Ah, W yes, so much more than that.
ED QUEENSo you did, you know; always speak the truth- think before you speak - and write R it down afterwards.
ALICEI’m sure I didn’t mean -
ED QUEENThat’s just what I complained of. Youshouldhave meant! What do you suppose is R the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning - and a child’s more important than a joke, I hope. You couldn’t deny that, even if you tried with both hands.
ALICEI don’t deny things with myhands.
RED QUEENNobody said you did. I said you couldn’tif you tried.
HITE QUEENShe’s in that state of mind, that shewants to denysomething- only she doesn’t W know what to deny!
RED QUEENA nasty, vicious temper. I invite you toAlice’s dinner party this afternoon.
WHITE QUEENAnd I inviteyou.
LICEI didn’t know I was to have a party at all;but if there is to be one, I think I ought to invite A the guests.
ED QUEENWe gave you the opportunity of doing it,but I dare say you’ve not had many R lessons in manners yet.
ALICEManners are not taught in lessons; lessons teachyou to do sums, and things of that sort.
HITE QUEENCan you do addition? What’s one and oneand one and one and one and one W and one and one and one and one?
ALICEI don’t know. I lost count.
ALICE, RED QUEEN & WHITE QUEEN P.2 RED QUEENShe can’t do addition; can you do subtraction?Take nine from eight.
ALICENine from eight I can’t, you know, but -
HITE QUEENShe can’t do subtraction. Can you do division?Divide a loaf by a knife - what’s W the answer to that?
ALICEI suppose -
ED QUEEN[answers for her] Bread and butter, ofcourse. Try another subtraction sum. Take R a bone from a dog; what remains?
LICEThe bone wouldn’t remain, of course, if I tookit - and the dog wouldn’t remain; it would A come to bite me - and I’m sure I shouldn’t remain.
RED QUEENThen you think nothing would remain?
ALICEI think that’s the answer.
RED QUEENWrong as usual; the dog’s temper would remain.
ALICEBut I don’t see how -
RED QUEENWhy, look here, the dog would lose its temper,wouldn’t it?
ALICEPerhaps it would.
RED QUEENThen if the dog went away, its temper wouldremain!
ALICEThey might go different ways! What dreadfulnonsense wearetalking.
BOTH QUEENSShe can’t do sums a bit!
ALICECanyoudo sums?
HITE QUEENI can do addition, if you give me time- but I can’t dosubtractionunderany W circumstances. ALICE & CHESHIRE CAT ALICEPlease, will you tell me what sort of peoplelive about here?
CHESHIRE CATAll mad people.
ALICEBut I don’t want to go among mad people.
CHESHIRE CATOh, you can’t help that; we’re all madhere. I’m mad.[a noise is heard]
ALICEAre there any lions or tigers about here?
HESHIRE CATIt’s only the Red King snoring. Comeand look at him. Isn’t he a lovely sight? C Fit to snore his head off.
ALICEI’m afraid he’ll catch cold with lying on thedamp grass.
CHESHIRE CATHe’s dreaming now, and what do you thinkhe’s dreaming about?
ALICENobody could guess that.
HESHIRE CATWhy, about you! And if he left off dreamingabout you, where do you suppose C you’d be?
ALICEWhere I am now, of course.
HESHIRE CATNot you. You’d be nowhere. Why, you’reonly a sort of thing in his dream; and C you’re mad too.
ALICEHow do you know I’m mad?
CHESHIRE CATYou must be, or you wouldn’t have comehere.
ALICEHow do you know that you’re mad?
CHESHIRE CATTo begin with, a dog’s not mad. You grantthat?
ALICEI suppose so.
HESHIRE CATWell then, you see a dog growls whenit’s angry, and wags its tail when it’s C pleased. Now I growl when I’m pleased, and wag my tail when I’m angry. Therefore I’m mad. ALICE, TWEEDLE DEE & TWEEDLE DUM P.1 DEEThe sun was shining-
ALICEIf it’s very long, would you please tell mefirst which road -
DEEThe moon was shining sulkily
DUMThe sea was wet as wet could be -
EEO Oysters, come and walk with us
D The Walrus did beseech -
UM[looks at DEE]A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
D Along the briny beach -
EE[looks at DUM]The eldest Oyster winked his eye
D And shook his heavy head -
UM[looks at DEE]Meaning to say he did not choose
D To leave the oyster bed
EEBut four young Oysters hurried up
D And yet another four -
UMAnd thick and fast they came at last,
D And more, and more, and more -
EEThe Walrus and the Carpenter
D Walked on a mile or so,
UMAnd then they rested on a rock
D Conveniently low,
EEAnd all the little Oysters stood
D And waited ina row.
UM“A loaf of bread,” the Walrus said,
D “Is what we chiefly need.
EENow if you’re ready, Oysters dear,
D We can begin to feed.”
UM“But not on us!” the Oysters cried,
D Turning a little blue.
EE“The night is fine,” the Walrus said,
D “Do you admire the view?” ALICE, TWEEDLE DEE & TWEEDLE DUM P.2
UMThe Carpenter said nothing but
D “Cut us another slice. I wish you were not quite so deaf - I’ve had to ask you twice!”
EE“It seems a shame,” the Walrus said,
D “To play them such a trick, After we’ve brought them out so far, And made them trot so quick!”
UM“O, Oysters,” said the Carpenter,
D “You’ve had a pleasant run!
DEEShall we be trotting home again?”
DUMBut answer came there none -
DEE And this was scarcely odd, because
DUMThey’d eaten every one.[TWEEDLES dissolve intofits of giggles]
ALICEHush! You’ll be waking the Red King, I’m afraid,if you make so much noise.
UMWell, it’s no use your talking about waking him,when you’re only one of the things in his D dream. You know very well you’re not real.
ALICE[cries]I am real!
DEEYou won’t make yourself a bit realer by crying,there’s nothing to cry about.
ALICEIf I wasn’t real, I shouldn’t be able to cry.
DUMI hope you don’t suppose those are real tears?
ALICEAt any rate, I’d better be getting out of here,for really it’s coming on very dark. ALICE & CATERPILLAR
CATERPILLAR Who are you?
ALICE I-I hardly know, sir, just at present. The Queen frightened me so and I’ve had an awfully funny fall down a tunnel or a sort of well. At least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.
CATERPILLAR What do you mean by that? Explain yourself.
ALICE I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, Sir, because I’m not myself, you see. Being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.
CATERPILLAR You! Who are you?
LICE A I think you ought to tell me who you are, first.
CATERPILLAR Why? [as ALICE turns away] Come back. I’ve something important to say. [ALICE comes back] Keep your temper.
ALICE Is that all?
CATERPILLAR No. So you think you’re changed, do you?
ALICE I’m afraid I am, Sir; I don’t keep the same size.
CATERPILLAR What size do you want to be?
LICE A I don’t know. At least I’ve never been so small as a caterpillar.
CATERPILLAR [rears angrily] It is a very good height indeed.
