BEING WITH OTHERS: FORMING

RELATIONSHIPS IN YOUNG AND MIDDLE

ADULTHOOD
Friendships

• Three themes of friendship:

➢Affective or emotional: self-disclosure, expressions of intimacy, appreciation, and support; requires trust
and commitment
➢Shared or communal nature: mutual interests
➢Sociability and compatibility: source of fun and entertainment
• Friendship quality: satisfaction one derives from the relationship
Friendships In Adulthood

• Adult friendships develop over several stages (ABCDE model):

➢Acquaintanceship: people from different backgrounds will become aware of each other. This first stage begins after identifying a new
personality in a crowd or group either accidentally or by chance
➢Buildup: the relationship becomes so intense. It involves mores sharing and caring for each other
➢Continuation: depends on commitment and trust among the people involved. This stage requires mutual trust amongst each other in
maintaining or continuing the relationship.
➢Deterioration: boredom, loss of trust, dissatisfaction, lack of hope, failure in communication, change in atmosphere, proximity, etc. are some of
the major factors for creating deterioration in relationships.
➢Ending: This may occur due to death, separation, breakup, etc.
• With online friendships, trust is an important factor and develops on the basis of four sources:
➢Reputation
➢Performance, or what users do online
➢Precommitment (gained through self-disclosure)
➢Situational factors
Love Relationships

• Sternberg’s three basic components of love:

➢Passion: motivational drives relating to sex, physical closeness, and romance.
➢Intimacy: feeling of closeness, affection, and connectedness.
➢Commitment: embodies both the initial cognition that one loves another person and the
longer-term determination to maintain that love.
• Couples are happier when each feels the same types of love to a similar degree
• The longer a relationship lasts, the lower its intimacy and passion, but the greater its
commitment
Love Through Adulthood

• Early in romantic relationships: characterizes early stages of romance when passion is high,
but intimacy and commitment are lower
➢Higher divorce rates in couples who marry based primarily on infatuation
• Assortative mating: selecting one’s partner based on similarity across many dimensions
➢Homogamy: degree to which people are similar; greater when couples meet through
school or a religious setting
Love Through Adulthood: Speed Dating and Online Dating

• Speed dating has become popular: Date selection and date satisfaction are higher when the
date is attractive, outgoing, self-assured, and moderately self-focused
• Online dating is more common in the United States (1 in 5) than other countries (1 in 10–20)
• Physical attractiveness strongly affects partner selection in online and offline contexts
• Emerging hookup culture is increasing
➢Both men and women are interested in having hookup sex
➢Both men and women prefer a more romantic relationship
➢Three-fourths of both men and women eventually expressed some level of regret at having
hookup sex
Love Through Adulthood: What Women Want

• Men and women in various cultures display unique orderings of their preferences. Two main
dimensions emerged:
➢Traditional cultures emphasize chastity and homemaking in women and ambition,
industry, and financial prospects in men
➢Western cultures value these qualities to a much lesser extent
• Nearly all cultures place importance on love and attraction
Developmental Forces and Love Relationships

• Love is a function of biopsychosocial forces

• Love is a distinct neurological emotion system, with different stages of love involving
different neurochemicals
• Erikson: mature love is impossible without a capacity for intimacy
➢The kinds of relationships you saw and experienced as a child affect how you define and
act in relationships you develop as an adult
Violence in Relationships

• Abusive relationship: when one partner becomes violent or aggressive

• Battered woman syndrome: when a woman believes she cannot leave an abusive situation;
may go so far as to kill her abuser
• Aggressive behavior is a continuum (verbal aggression ➔ physical aggression ➔severe
physical aggression ➔ murder)
• Causes are more numerous and complex as its severity increases
 Type of Abuse Causes

Verbal abuse Need to control

Misuse of power
Jealousy
Marital discord

Physical abuse Acceptance of violence as

Causes of Abuse means of control
Physically aggressive
models
Abuse as a child
Aggressive personality style
Alcohol abuse

Severe physical abuse Personality disorders

Emotional swings
Poor self-esteem
• Culture is also an important contextual factor.
➢Violence against women worldwide reflects cultural traditions
➢International data indicate rates of abuse higher in cultures that
emphasize female purity, male status, and family honor
➢Cultures that emphasize honor and portray females as passive, nurturing
supporters of men’s activities and that emphasize loyalty and sacrifice
for the family may contribute to tolerating abuse
Activity
• What are the challenges and advantages of being single?
• Why do people cohabit?
• What are LGBTQ relationships like?
• What is marriage like across adulthood?
Singlehood

• 70% of women and 80% of men are

single between the ages of 20 and 24
• Men tend to remain single longer
than women, but men are likelier to
marry
• Cultures differ in their expectations
of marrying and marriage
• Millennials are remaining single
longer and are more likely to forgo
marriage and cohabitate
Cohabitation

• Cohabitation: when two people in a committed, intimate, sexual relationship live

together but are not married
➢Couples cohabitate part-time as a step toward marriage, and to replace
marriage
➢Couples who cohabitated first have a higher divorce rate, and tend to be less
happy.
➢Couples that are happy share financial and child care responsibilities
Gay and Lesbian Couples

• Most research shows no differences between homosexual and heterosexual couples

on virtually all dimensions (e.g., relationship issues, satisfaction)
• Gay and lesbian couples report less support from family than do married or
cohabiting couples
• Legalized same-sex marriage has opened up discussion on end-of-life issues and
caregiving
Marriage

• The most important factors in creating stable marriages are creating a stable sense of
identity as a foundation for intimacy:
➢Marital success, which is an umbrella term referring to any marital outcome
➢Marital quality, which is a subjective evaluation of the couple’s relationship
➢Marital adjustment, which is the degree to which a husband and wife
accommodate
➢Marital satisfaction, which is a global assessment of one’s marriage
What is a Successful Marriage, and What Predicts It?

• Marriages are likelier to succeed when:

➢Both partners are relatively mature: This may be why marriages in one’s early
20s or younger tend to fail
➢Homogamy
➢Each partner contributes equitably (exchange theory)
➢Couples are honest and committed, they trust and consult each other, and they
make decisions jointly
Do Married Couples Stay Happy?

• Satisfaction (in marriage and cohabitation) is highest in the beginning, falls

until children begin leaving home, and rises again in later life
• When dependence is more equal, marriage tends to stay strong and close
• Vulnerability-stress adaptation model: marital satisfaction is a function
of the couple’s ability to deal with stress, given its vulnerabilities and
resources at each particular point in time
The Early Years of Marriage

• Discussing financial matters, adjusting to expectations, and good conflict resolution

skills are important in the early years
• Disillusionment and ambivalence are key predictors of marital dissatisfaction
• Rearing children results in less satisfaction:
➢Child’s temperament matters
➢However, childless couples’ satisfaction declines as well
Keeping Marriages Happy

• Enduring marital satisfaction is likelier when couples:

➢Are forgiving, understanding, flexible, adaptive, and available for, and interested in,
the other
➢Keep the romance alive and express love
➢Confide in each other; communicate constructively and positively
➢Share spirituality and/or religious beliefs, particularly in lower SES groups
Family Dynamics and the Life Course

• The nuclear family consists only of parents and children (common in Western
societies)
• The extended family consists of parents, children, grandparents, and other
relatives living together (common in many countries): Very strong among Latino
families
• Familism: the family’s well-being takes precedence over an individual family
member’s concerns (strong in lower SES Latino families)
The Parental Role

• Couples are having fewer children and waiting longer to have them
• Older parents are more at ease, affectionate, sensitive, and supportive
• More than 70% of women with children under 18 are employed outside the home and
still perform most of the child rearing tasks
• Men who become fathers in their 30s spend up to 3 times as much time caring for
their preschool children
Deciding Whether to Have Children

• Deciding whether to have children:

➢Although having children is stressful and very expensive, most people do it
anyway
➢People may decide to stay child-free for a variety of voluntary and involuntary
reasons
➢For women, higher levels of education and economic factors increase the
likelihood of remaining child-free
➢For men, neither education nor economic factors predict deciding to remain
child-free
Diverse Family Forms

• Single Parents:
➢Single parents are faced with many unique problems, especially if they are women
and divorced
➢The main problem is significantly reduced financial resources
• Single mothers are the hardest hit financially
• Dating is a concern for many divorced single parents
Step-, Foster, Adoptive, and Same-Sex Couple Parenting

• Foster and adoptive parents are concerned about how strongly the child will bond
with them
• Foster parents have the most difficulty developing and maintaining bonds with their
foster children
• Society resists gays or lesbians having children and passes laws against it
Divorce

• U.S. couples have a 50/50 chance of divorce and a 60% chance if married between
age 20–24
• The U.S. divorce rate is 54.8%
• Asian Americans have the lowest rates of divorce
• African Americans have the highest rates
• Reasons for divorce: Infidelity, incompatibility, drinking/drug use, and growing
apart are the most common reasons
Who Gets Divorced and Why?

• Gottman and Levenson developed two models that predict divorce early and later:
➢Negative emotions displayed during conflict between the couple predict early
divorce, but not later divorce
➢The lack of positive emotions in a discussion of events of the day and during
conflict predicts later divorce, but not early divorce
Who Gets Divorced?

• Approaches to increasing the likelihood that marriages will last include:

➢Covenant marriage: expands the marriage contract to a lifelong commitment within a
supportive community
• Couple will go to counseling
• Grounds for divorce are very restrictive
• Healthy Marriage Initiative: Stresses marriage’s positive aspects and marital education
Effects of Divorce on the Couple

• Divorce causes financial and child support problems for women

• Women who initiate the divorce report self-focused growth and optimism
• Adjustment to single life is better for people less preoccupied with, less hostile toward, and more
forgiving of the ex
• Remarriage is less likely for middle-aged or older women
Relationships with Young Children

• Both parents pay a price for divorce:

➢Mothers tend to get custody of children but often lack sufficient financial resources to support
them
➢Fathers’ contact with their children is often limited, and as a result their involvement in their
children’s lives decreases
• Collaborative divorce: voluntary agreement for couples to negotiate their divorce rather than having a
court impose the terms
Relationships with Adult Children

• Parental divorce negatively affects young adults in many ways, including their:
➢Views on intimate and marital relationships
➢Ability to achieve love, sexual intimacy, and commitment to marriage and parenthood
➢Relationships with fathers, while bringing them closer to their mothers
Remarriage

• On average, men and women wait about 3.5 years before remarrying
• European Americans, military veterans, and those with less education remarry more often
• Remarriages have a 25% higher rate of divorce than original marriages: Higher rate for remarriages
involving stepchildren
• Women are more likely to initiate a divorce, but are less likely to remarry (unless poor)
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